Pints With Aquinas - 3 Ways to Make Better FRIENDSHIPS! | Fr. Gregory Pine, O.P.

Episode Date: July 27, 2024

Fr. Pine talks about ways to build friendships that will work for Catholic and non-Catholics Support The Show: https://mattfradd.locals.com 📖 Fr. Pine's Book: https://bit.ly/3lEsP8F 🖥️ Website: https://pintswithaquinas.com/ 🟢 Rumble: https://rumble.com/c/pintswithaquinas 👕 Merch: https://shop.pintswithaquinas.com 🚫 FREE 21 Day Detox From Porn Course: https://www.strive21.com/ 🔵 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mattfradd 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mattfradd  

Hello, my name is Father Gregory Pine and I'm a Dominican friar of the province of St. Joseph. I teach at the Dominican House of Studies and I work for the Thomistic Institute and this is Pines of the Aquinas. Recently I was invited to the apartment of a friend for like a little house preaching event. So she had invited maybe a dozen of her friends, many of whom are not Christian. And so my task was to set forward something that was you know

charismatic that is to say which proclaimed our Lord Jesus Christ but also appealing to those who may have never heard Christ proclaimed before or may have heard Christ proclaimed before but you know weren't drawn by that or weren't attracted by that. So I decided to speak a little bit about relationships because in these circumstances, my kind of instinct is to try to find a handhold in their humanity because, yeah, the natural laws at work in each human heart and we are, all of us, driven by similar instincts or by a similar openness to reality. And I think one thing that resonates with all of us

is the desire to be in meaningful relationships or purposeful relationships. So I thought that having thought about these things I might share them with you as well. So these are three approaches to relationships. Here we go. Okay, so we would like to have good relationships. I think many of us would like to have good relationships. I think many of us would like to have good relationships.

That's a starting point. And I think that you can just assert that because many people just recognize it as, yeah, okay, totally, for sure, self-evident. There are some people who will not concede that, who will say, no, not interested in meaningful or purposeful relationships. But I think it's only after having had or having suffered many failed attempts, right? So after having suffered abuse or trauma or disappointment or dismay of whatever sort.

But I think that like, when you kind of get through the layers of sadness and anger, you'll find still a kind of openness to relationship because we're made for relationship. So you've heard it said like man is a political animal That's Aristotle or you've heard it said man is a social animal. That's a lot of people but same time it says it We are made to live in relationships and we only come to our perfection in relationships Okay, so then what makes for a good relationship here? We could get super specific or super fine-grained

But I think it think it's almost better to describe it with broad brush strokes or to paint with broad brush strokes. I think a lot of us want to be close to another. We want to share our lives. We want to experience a modicum of freedom in relationships. We want to delight. I think like most basically or most instinctually I want somebody else closer to me than my sadness and anger. Like I want somebody near to me so that I know that I'm not alone. I don't think any of us want to be alone. Because when we experience our lives as alone it's kind of terrible. So yeah, I want somebody to be close, I want someone with whom to share, I want someone who encourages in me a certain freedom and for whom I encourage a certain freedom and I want somebody with whom I can delight in life, in experience, in God.

So here are my three kind of proposals or my three ways of going about it and they get better and better. So the first would be like common courtesy. This is just a most basic way in which to interact with another person or to have a relationship with another person. And you know, this would be the kind of relationship of pleasantries, the kind of relationship that you have with the cashier or the kind of relationship that you have with the bank teller. And the point here is just kind of like get through life together. Or to get through this encounter together.

And so we're largely contented if we avoid conflict. Like we don't want to get upset. We don't want to, let's say we're driving down the highway and there are other people on the road. We just don't want to get in an accident. Or we don't want to have our road rage stirred up. Or we don't want to have an unpleasant experience which will stick with us for many minutes or for many hours hence yeah that'll distract us or otherwise disperse us okay so in these situations we kind of just like focus on the boundaries of the other and I try not to

transgress those boundaries the virtue here is you can kind of tell us is tolerance all right so people are doing their, I'm doing my thing, we're just trying not to get in the way. We're just trying not to cause conflict. So it's fine, it's not bad. I think it's good to be tolerant of certain differences, but tolerance doesn't really seek to change oneself or the other because there's just a kind of understanding that it's really hard to change both one self and the other

and that you're probably not going to change either yourself or the other. And so tolerance can only get you so far. It gets you a kind of low grade closeness. It's like here we are both on the highway and we are not running into each other or a kind of low grade delight. You know, you can have like a pleasant encounter

with a bank teller and you're like, yeah, that was a pleasant encounter with a bank teller. Cheers're like, yeah, that was a pleasant encounter with a bank teller. Cheers to us. The image that I want to use to describe all three is two people in boats. Two little boaters. So here, you know, under this standard of common courtesy, the two little boaters are focusing on not crashing, okay? Not getting into an accident or not causing a wake that will swamp the other boats.

So the basic idea is like get along in life without causing other people problems. Okay, so you know, pleasant enough. You know the difference between a good boater or a respectful boater and a bad boater, a disrespectful boater, and you want to avoid the latter. Okay, boating, what a blessing. If you are interested in boats and boating, there's a God-splending want to avoid the latter. Okay. Boating. What a blessing. If you are

interested in boats and boating, there's a God-splitting episode about just that theme. Alright, so that's the first. Common courtesy. The second then would be the standard of common interests. Okay? It goes beyond mere tolerance if we want to host a real conversation and you know, talk about real things. Okay, so not just trying to avoid conflict here, I'm actually trying to invest, all right? And the other person is trying to invest or I'm trying to engage and the other person is trying to engage.

And the focus here is typically on common insights or common experiences. So you've heard it said before that friends see the same thing or that friends embrace the same thing. that friends see the same thing or that friends embrace the same thing. In effect, we're going to make some kind of effort to share our experience or to share our lives. And the hope is that the other person would receive that and that they would reciprocate that and that we could receive it in turn, their kind of engagement or their investment. So it might be that your interests aren't especially interesting or the other's interests

aren't especially interesting, fine. You might exhaust your interests and come to discover that you don't have too terribly much to stay and pass a lot of time in silence. But at root or kind of at its foundation, there's an effort. There's an effort to invest, an effort to engage. All right, and the virtue here, we can call it like friendliness. You might have heard it described in fancier terms

like affability or amicability. All right, but we can see already at the outset that this gets you further. All right, this gets you a kind of like medium grade closeness or a medium grade delight. And we enjoy a kind of relationship like this with many of our friends. So it's not bad, it's good, but then we can also see that there are certain limitations. Okay, so then returning to our image of two little boaters.

I don't know why I'm just killing myself right now. Here you have, you know, know guys which will they'll squad up right? I'll lash to my I'll lash my boat to your boat you'll lash your boat to my boat and we'll for whatever period of time kind of float together. Whether down the river you know we're thinking here like the Great American beer float which I just witnessed people doing on the Danube River the other day or whatever else right? So it's just some kind of spending of time or sharing of insights or seeing the same thing embracing the same thing

but still we're each staying in our boats because they're little boats our little lives aren't too terribly capacious in this kind of understanding as it were of relationship but there's there's a real attempt to share at some level I lash my boat to yours, you lash your boat to mine, and we float on together while hosting a common conversation and seeing what comes of it. Okay, so those are our first two. Common courtesy and common interests. Then we arrive at our third standard, which is a common goal. So in this understanding, we set out together towards a common horizon, or we actually take up together

a common purpose, right, a common meaning. And what we find is that when this is your standard, you get the other two things, alright? So you avoid conflict, and you're able to share interests, whether that be insights or experiences or whatever else. Okay, so let's bop over to our boater here for a second. Let's say that like two boaters spend all their time trying to avoid conflict. They're just going to make a lot of adjustments, right?

They're going to be like paddling this way and paddling that way so as to avoid knocking into each other. Because the water is somewhat tempestuous or the water is somewhat choppy and they're going to have to make those constant adjustments but they're really spending all of their energy making those adjustments because otherwise they're just floating. Okay? Then when it comes to common interests, yeah, my boat is lashed to yours, your boat is lashed to mine, we're sharing, we're enjoying, but you see how we can have a richer sharing or a richer enjoyment when we proceed towards a common horizon because we're taking for our view of life the same

thing. All right, so we're trying to see life in the same way, we're trying to proceed in life according to the same way. So obviously that's going to generate more in the way of common interests or more in the way of common experiences because we're trying to live life after the same manner. So then in being governed by a common pursuit we have a greater certainty or confidence in the other because we're both drawn to something beyond us that organizes, as it were, our relationship and we can become one as a result in a more profound way or in a more meaningful, purposeful way.

So you see how the virtue at work here, especially in the Christian sense, would be love. Alright, so I will the good for myself and I will the same good for you. I also will my sharing it, your sharing it, our sharing in it. All right? So it's like we both see a thing as estimable, as worthy, as good for pursuit and then that animates our response. I go out towards it kind of ecstatically as it were and you go out towards it ecstatically as it were. So we go out towards it and we can share in it. By virtue of the fact that you proceed towards that horizon, it doesn't diminish my proceeding towards that horizon. We're both caught up in the same pursuit and so we can

share in it. So you see here like there's something else that's going on. There's something bigger, bolder, more beautiful still that's going on. And so turning towards our two little boaters, we've already mentioned some of their pursuits, but you can see how like when they proceed towards the same point on the horizon, they're going to have to make fewer adjustments. And they're not going to have to worry about lashing their boats together because they'll be drawn together by that common point on the horizon. If they proceed towards the same port, then they can trust that when they arrive there together, that they'll be together. But the excellence of the pursuit, it's a matter of the excellence of the actual goal,

But the excellence of the pursuit, it's a matter of the excellence of the actual goal, right? The thing that they choose to pursue. So, you know, like your goal might be the accumulation of money, right? Business partners do just this. Or your goal might be the accumulation of delightful experiences, right? There are plenty of members of, you know, intramural teams or pickup sports teams that have this for their goal. But when you take for your end God Himself, you can see how it outpaces all of our human pursuits and as a result of which it can beget a union and then a sharing, a closeness, a nearness, a delight, a freedom, which outpaces every other human experience. So then, within our Christian understanding, we speak of our pursuits as just such, right, that we pursue God and we do so in the setting of the mystical body and that we enjoy a real

union as an organic feature of our Christian lives, which spells for us the end of jealousy and envy. I don't begrudge you the gifts that you have because I see them as pertaining to my own salvation and you don't begrudge me the gifts that I have because I see them as pertaining to my own salvation and you don't begrudge me the gifts that I have because you see them as pertaining to your own salvation. And it's also the end of alienation because we take up our place and we play our role in the mystical body. So we actually have each other in differentiated fashion. Mind you, God gives different gifts, but we have each other in a real way, in an abiding way. And this

begets in us a closeness, a sharing, a freedom, a delight, which is awesome, which is transcendent. And I think about this by way of concluding point. I was thinking about this recently because I was preaching to some women who have sons in religious life, so moms of religious brothers and religious priests. And I think that like for a lot of parents whose sons become priests or whose sons become religious, you know, whose daughters become religious as well, there can be like a kind of, on the one hand, excitement if they're pious and devout, it's like, cool, this like faith thing that I have embraced has taken real root in the life of my son or daughter.

But there also can be like a kind of sadness and anger because family life, the logic of family life is like we're together, let's stay together. And then here comes God and says, whoop, I'm going to pluck up your favorite son or your favorite daughter and deal with it. You're like, what the heck? All right. And so the temptation, I think, for a parent is to say, ah, I'm not going to talk about the fact that I feel sad and angry because that's embarrassing and it doesn't fit within the pious or the devout story. But I'm just going to try to hold on to my son or hold on to my daughter so I can keep what little of him or her is left to me by virtue of this vocation. And so you'll see parents trying to pull their kids back, trying to perpetuate family traditions that just don't fit in religious life, or trying to get extra vacations that just don't fit in religious life or trying to like you know get extra vacations that just don't

fit in religious... whatever else. Okay you can see how this works out. And so I was encouraging these women to not fall into that trap because when that happens then you're in conflict, right? When that happens then you lack common interests, right? What's actually happening is that you're drifting apart in trying to stay together. Whereas you see the efficacy of this common goal paradigm or this common goal standard that if that mother chooses to give herself more wholeheartedly to God then she gets her son, albeit in a very different way. There might still be sadness, there might still be anger, but provided that she is proceeding towards the same horizon, then she has that son or daughter who is also proceeding towards, you know, that horizon. And so I

think about it in these terms, it's like, yeah, when your son makes a sacrifice, your daughter makes a sacrifice, you can make a sacrifice not only of yourself, but you can make a sacrifice of your son or daughter. You can give God your son or daughter in a new way, right? You did a baptism, you did a confirmation, but here you can do it in a new way and you can give yourself in giving your son or daughter and then you can have your daughter on those terms, as an offering, as a sacrifice, because you are then united in the same pursuit, towards the same horizon. That is to say the embrace of the same God. So, why do I bring all this up? Because I think that in our experience of relationships suit, right, towards the same horizon, that is to say the embrace of the same God.

So, why do I bring all this up? Because I think that in our experience of relationships, we want to be close, right, we want to share, we want to experience some modicum of freedom, we want to experience some modicum of delight. But if we're always focused on avoiding conflict or just simply abiding at the level of shared interests, that is to say, seeing the same thing, embracing the same thing, there'll always be something lacking to our relationships because you can only have each other wholly and fully if you proceed towards the same goal and if you find each other in the same God because God is the only good that cannot be

exhausted by our pursuits or in whom we ourselves are undiminished as we are taken up into Him. That might sound a little abstract but the basic point is that in God you get God, you get yourself, and you get the beloved. And you can do so with a kind of reckless abandon and freedom, with a kind of wild delight, right? In a way that abides, or in a way that that begets a true sharing and a true closeness. Because only God, you know, like defies the somewhat materialistic or reductionistic terms of our experience at present. So, yeah, I hope that's somewhat helpful to you, and I hope that was somewhat helpful to the people at my friend's apartment. Alright, squad, know my prayers for you, please pray for me, and I'll look forward to chatting with you next time on Pines with Aquinas.

Although I'm supposed to make announcements at the end. I don't know that I'm too terribly interested in those announcements, so, uh, yeah. Catch you later. Peace.