Pints With Aquinas - Bonus Episode: Encountering Jesus by Emma Fradd

Episode Date: May 17, 2018

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G'day, g'day, and welcome to this special episode of Pints with Aquinas. Glad you could make it. Today, I want to share with you a fantastic talk my sister Emma Fradd gave about encountering Jesus Christ. In our previous episode on the Summa Theologiae here at Pints with Aquinas, I said that as faithful sons and daughters of Thomas Aquinas, our goal isn't merely more head knowledge about the Catholic faith and God, right? Rather, that head knowledge, which is a good thing, ought to propel us into a love relationship with Jesus

Christ. And in this talk, Emma explains how she grew up in a Catholic home, like me, because, you know, we grew up in the same home, how she became an atheist and how eventually she gave her life to Jesus Christ. Really proud of her. If you're not aware, it's actually, many of you have asked this, at the start of every episode of Pints with Aquinas, you know that song I play. That one? I'll play it in a minute for you. That one, Emma wrote that song, right? She's actually part of a band called Heaps Good Friends in Australia. Heaps Good Friends, check them out. They were the 14th most downloaded on Spotify at one point in Australia.

So she's doing quite well. Very proud of her. You're going to love this episode. Do me a favor and let me know what you thought. If you just write to me over Twitter, at Matt Fradd, just let me know. I would love to get your opinion on it. And let me just quickly look up my sister's Twitter handle too, because if you bloody tell you what, if you told her you liked it, I think that'd make her very happy. All right, here it is, at Emma Fradd. There you go. So,

at Matt Fradd is me, at Emma Fradd is her. So, if you were to tell her what you thought of this talk, I'm sure she'd like it. All right? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Thank you, Lorraine. Thanks, everyone. Thanks for having me. It's such a nice, cool evening.

Yeah, tonight I'm kind of going to be talking a bit about encountering Jesus, which I feel like is the title of every cool talk these days. But I kind of have assumed you guys perhaps already have that relationship with Jesus in some way. You've already encountered him. So I hope just to share a little bit of my story and some insights. But I thought I'd kick it off with a song. Let it be confirmed and engraved on your heart That I am always with you Even if you don't feel I'm near At the time of battle

Do not be absorbed in your misery But rather gaze upon my heart. Do not be absorbed in your misery, but rather gaze upon my heart. But rather gaze upon my heart. May I want holiness more than I want pleasure May I want holiness more than I want pleasure You will be sorrowful but it will turn to joy And no one will take that from you Asking you would receive that your joy would be full before Do not be absorbed in your misery but rather gaze upon my heart

Do not be absorbed in your misery but rather gaze upon my heart but rather gaze upon my heart. But rather gaze upon my heart. May I want holiness more than I want pleasure. May I want holiness more than I want pleasure Trying to take My own will back from you While you wait In my very gift to renew

Trying to take My own will back from you While you wait In my labyrinth to renew May I want holiness More than I want pleasure May I want holiness More than I want pleasure May I want holiness

More than I want pleasure May I want holiness More than I want pleasure Pleasure Thank you. I always get hair in my mouth, no matter how little I headbang. Oh my gosh. Yeah, so the chorus in that song sings, May I want holiness more than I want pleasure. And last year I did something called the Whole30.

Have you guys heard of Whole30? It's kind of a challenge-ish thing. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle. That's what they tell you. Basically, you eat whole foods for 30 days. So pretty much meat, vegetables, and fruits and nuts. So no bread, no grains, no dairy, no sugar, no alcohol, no legumes. And my goodness, the first seven days, I just wanted to kill my roommates and suck the sugar from their intestines. You don't realize how addicted you are to sugar until you give it up. And, you know, it's often said that sin means to miss the mark, you know.

When we go to sin, we're not going there looking for something bad. We actually have this desire for something good, but we're taking it to the wrong place. So that's kind of where that song comes from, you know. May I want, it's almost a prayer, Lord, may I want holiness more than I want just pleasure. than I want just pleasure. So encountering Jesus. Jesus is someone who is encounterable. You can encounter Jesus. Tonight through this talk, come Holy Spirit, please speak through me.

Tonight, tomorrow, you can leave right now and go have a pray in the church. He is always with us and he is encounterable. But I think if you're anything like me, I forget this daily and I take this desire elsewhere. There's this beautiful quote by Henry Nowen. And he says, Aren't you like me, hoping that some person, thing, event will come along and give you that final feeling of inner well-being you desire. Don't you often hope, may this book, idea, course, trip, country, or relationship

fulfill my deepest desire. But as long as you are waiting for that mysterious moment, you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy, but at the same time makes us wonder whether we're getting anywhere in the long run. This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burnout. This is the way to spiritual death. Wow, thanks a lot, Henry. It's a pretty intense quote, but I love it because, oh my goodness, I can look back on today. I had more coffee than I needed, for example. But yeah, if you're anything like me, I say that to you now.

Have you ever thought that a book or an idea or a course or a trip or a person could fulfill all of you? And if you were, it's because you were searching. And we're often searching because we have this need. I often joke, I don't know if you've ever done this, you know when you open the fridge but you're not hungry, you're just kind of bored. I always joke that I'm looking for God in the fridge. We're always looking for God, always. And it's because we were made for him. It's not a bad thing. It's actually a beautiful thing. So in this talk today, I want to break apart some beautiful scripture, some stories about some people who have encountered Jesus

that really illustrate this need in our search. And I want to talk about who Jesus is and what happens when we encounter him. So I'd like to break open the scripture of the leper, when Jesus heals the leper. So perhaps we'll just ask the Holy Spirit to come now into our hearts. Holy Spirit, we just pray that everyone here would hear your voice and not mine. You would really open our hearts to hear what you want to say to us. Because whenever we read scripture, God has something to say to us, but he also has something to say to you personally.

So Holy Spirit, we're open for that. also has something to say to you personally. So Holy Spirit, we're open for that. So we're just going to look at four lines. If you'd like to close your eyes, you can, you don't have to. A leper came to Jesus and pleaded on his knees and said, if you want to, you can cure me. Feeling sorry for him, he stretched out his hand and touched him and said, of course I want to be cured. The leprosy left him immediately and he was cured. All right, let's just bust this open because that's really beautiful, but I feel like I've heard that story so often I can kind of become numb to what's actually going on here. but I feel like I've heard that story so often,

I can kind of become numb to what's actually going on here. A leper came to Jesus. How was this guy feeling? Maybe hopeless, maybe hopeful, probably feeling a bit unwanted. You know, as we know, leprosy eats the flesh, probably left him looking a bit deformed. Perhaps he was living on the streets. You know, how do people in society feel about this guy?

I don't know about you, but sometimes when I see homeless people, sometimes I feel really comfortable, but sometimes I feel a bit scared. Maybe some people felt this way about this leper. So he pleaded on his knees. I don't know if anyone's ever done that before i've never done that before but i imagine that body language would be so powerful to get on your knees and to plead and he says if you want to if you want to you can cure me and if not it's all good feeling sorry for him he stretched out his hand what do you think the last time was that this guy was reached out towards? When was the last time he was touched?

I feel like just alone to be touched would have brought about conversion. But more than that, Jesus cures him. In my Bible, it says that Jesus says, Of course I want to! With an exclamation mark. Of course I want to, it says that Jesus says, of course I want to, with an exclamation mark. Of course I want to, Jesus says. Sometimes I can fall into this trap of thinking that God is holding out on me. God, you know what I want.

I'm asking for it. Why won't you give it to me? Are you playing games with me, God? No. Jesus says, of course I want to. But God's timing is not always our timing. And the leper understood this when he said, if you want to. And this leper's life was changed.

He experienced a miracle. He experienced Christianity. And Jesus, he makes a way where there is no way. And he makes a path where there is no path. He makes an exit where there is no exit. So before we go on this search, as I know we all have been on in many ways, we need to recognize this need that we have. I don't know if you guys have ever just sat perhaps in the presence

of the Blessed Sacrament and just really been in touch with that need for God. Do you guys feel that you need Jesus? I do. Oh, my gosh. I need Jesus. I ache for Jesus. I think we all ache for something, whether it's healing of a hurt or we ache for forgiveness or for intimacy. You know, and it's Jesus who said, it's not the healthy that need the doctor, but the sick.

But Jesus wasn't just this leper's doctor. He wasn't just someone that did something for him. He is so much more. He was his everything. What's your everything? Let's take a moment maybe to think about today in your life. What is your everything? Sometimes for me, it's Netflix. I can be so convinced that relaxing will cure all of my problems. And it's not bad, obviously. Sometimes we need that, but I can definitely overindulge.

God doesn't see us through the scope of our past sins. God doesn't see us through the scope of our temptation. He sees us through the scope of the precious blood of Jesus. And God's love, my old spiritual director used to say to me, is magnanimous, which means to be generous or forgiving towards a rival or a less powerful person. God can't help but love us so much. You know, God is interested in you. He finds you very interesting. And more than that, he's fascinated with you.

Just encourage you, if you've never felt in touch with that deep need, perhaps it's something to bring to prayer and ask for the Lord to awaken in you. Saint Augustine describes this need as a restlessness, you know. Our search often begins with this desire for more truth, more fulfillment, more meaning, perhaps accompanied by a discontent or a crisis or something just doesn't sit right in our life. And there are so many examples in Scripture where Jesus is sought out and he personally responds to people. You know, after the resurrection, when Mary Magdalene goes to the tomb, it says she was weeping. I like to think that she had this ugly cry going on, just like snot everywhere, like really getting into her cry. And she has this encounter with Jesus when he says her name. He says her name, Mary.

And then she becomes the disciple to the disciples. He is risen, she tells them. In the book of Mark, chapter 8, when Jesus heals the blind man, you'll notice it says he took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the town. And when he had, he spit on his eyes and put his hands on him and asked him if he saw anything. If you don't know, several Roman writers or rabbis at that time, Jewish rabbis, considered saliva to be a valid treatment for blindness. So Jesus is using spit to communicate his intention to heal. And he takes the blind man out of the city. Imagine being blind all your life

and suddenly you wake up in the busy streets of Sydney. No, Jesus takes him away to a quiet place where it's just him and Jesus. The woman at the well, I love her. I just really love hearing and reflecting on that scripture. If you don't know, the woman at the well, she chooses to go to the well at the hottest part of the day, noon. And the reason she does is because no one is there, because everyone's already gotten the water from the well, because no one goes out at that time of day because it's so hot. But she goes out because she's ashamed of who she is. And she encounters Jesus there.

Yeah, and Jesus says, you know, go and get your husband. And she says, I don't have a husband. And he says, you're right. You've had five, and the man you know, go and get your husband. And she says, I don't have a husband. And he says, you're right. You've had five and the man you're with now isn't your husband. Can you imagine being married five times, five separations? And then the guy she's with now, she's just given up on marriage altogether. But Jesus is her number seven. And he says, give me a drink.

She says, you've got nothing to draw water from the well from. And he says, if you knew, if you only knew who was asking you for a drink, you would ask him for a drink. And I would give you the water welling up in you to eternal life. And she has this conversion and she runs away and tells people, come and see this man who told me all I ever did. And when Jesus is explaining to her, you've actually had five husbands, he's not being like, excuse me, you've got it all wrong. You're bad and you need to stop it. He's saying, hey, you don't need to hide from me. You don't need to hide what you've done,

he's saying, hey, you don't need to hide from me. You don't need to hide what you've done, who you feel you are, your shame. Like Jesus, if there's anywhere we can bring that, it is to the Lord because he makes our shame into something else. Doubting Thomas just couldn't cope with the fact that Jesus is risen. Nah, nah, he's not risen. He just didn't believe it. And Jesus says, all right, buddy. Nah, he doesn't say it like that. He says, come and place your hands in mine and feel the hole in my side. Jesus isn't being as smart, Alec. He's saying, Thomas, get to know me. Get to know me, and obviously lastly on the walk to Emmaus man these two guys were just totally oblivious to the fact that Jesus was among them walking with them and when they finally realized they say to one another we're not our hearts

burning burning I imagine, with that need. Jesus was personal for each of these biblical characters. And I assume in some way you having encountered Jesus in that personal way in your own life. But it's not just one event that he wants in your life. He wants you every day, on your good days, on your bad days, on your smelly days, all the days. So just ask ourselves, is my heart restless? Am I in touch with that need? Do I want more? Do I want more of God? And if so, buckle up, because when we invite God in, he comes in. And if you don't feel ready, perhaps just saying that prayer, Jesus, make my heart burn. Give me a hunger for you or help me to direct my hunger at you.

Love itself. Because the cool thing is that encountering Jesus is all a grace. And in some sense, it's not really us who have anything to do with it because he's the one that makes it happen. God is always more than we think he is. Sometimes I forget God. I often have these nice moments. I'll be listening to a talk or talking to a friend or in prayer and I'm like, oh, I had this revelation

about God and it's almost like my vision has expanded. But then slowly and slowly, through my own humanness, I can bring it back down and can kind of box God into who I think he is or how I think he's treating me. But we need to remember that God is always more than we think he is. And the benefit of this is that our relationship with him is inexhaustible. There's always more for us to know and experience. God is generous. He wants us, as I said, not just once, but every day. I don't know if you guys know this, but at the wedding of Cana, did the math mini wedding, my spiritual director shared with me that obviously Jesus makes a lot of wine, not just any wine, but the finest. Like I've never had a bottle of wine over $30, but a $30 bottle of wine

for me is like heaven. Nice red wine. I imagine this was much more priceless than that. But if you do the math, Jesus made enough wine at the wedding of Cana for everyone to go home with nine bottles of wine. Nine bottles of wine. Isn't that insane? Last wedding I went to, I got a handful of jelly beans that were kind of old and gross and had people's names on them. Nine bottles of wine. Our God is a generous God. He is over the top generous and he is over the top in love with you. Nine bottles worth. And St. John, you know, is written in his book. It doesn't say God is lovable, although he is. It doesn't say God is loving, although he is. He says God is love and love helps us to see that we are lovable. Helps us to see not who we think we are on a good day or a bad day, not who other people see us as.

You know, I'm not Emma the musician or Emma who likes wine. I'm actually not Emma who really struggles sometimes to, I don't know, not swear or any of my other habits, you know. I'm actually just Emma the beloved. Nice to meet you. And that's who you guys are as well. That's your first identity. And I think for me, I'm a deep thinker. I love to just sit and pray and have a good think. And I can list, I can tell God all of my weaknesses. Lord, look at all these sins I've

struggled with. Oh man, look at this bloody thing. It's come up in my life again. If you could just fix that, Lord, then I think I'd be a much holier person. But God, he's not about the quick fix. He's in it for the long run. And we can still love and live our lives while we are wounded or while we're growing. You know, we're a work in progress. we're a work in progress. And again, I think when I'm hurting, I can fall into this trap of somehow thinking God doesn't care, you know, so I go to other places. I go to other things to fill me. John 11.35 says, Jesus wept. Those two words when Lazarus dies, Jesus wept for him. I'm going to guess

this was an ugly cry. The translation for Jesus wept is actually more something like this. Jesus snorted in spirit, like a war horse getting ready to charge. Hey, like a war horse getting ready to charge. Hey? Jesus doesn't just sit around while we suffer. He doesn't not care. He's already taken charge on the cross. That was Jesus charging.

That's why he died. But God's timing is a thing, you know? Your ways are above my ways. Your thoughts are above my thoughts, Lord. I was sitting in prayer and just a line came to me, you know, let not the weight twist our view of who God is. Sometimes we can be waiting, you know, God, I'm asking you for something good. You know, why won't you give it to me? Do you even care?

Do you even listen? Well, yeah. He died for me, Emma, so just calm down. And the more we encounter God, we're changed and we want more. It's like a good sugar addiction. I've had many encounters with God, but I thought I could just share my initial one. When I was younger, I considered myself an atheist. I was in an atheist band. We'd play like guitar solos and sing about how God wasn't real. Pretty cool.

I had a beautiful, beautiful Catholic mum and a Catholic family, Catholic school. I just didn't get it. I was like, Mass is just boring to me. I don't get what it means. And I would pretty much go around saying, you know, that the church was all bulldust and it wasn't worth pursuing. My brother, who was very much into his faith, challenged me one day and said, Emma, you can't say God isn't real if you've never tried praying to him. And I said, I have tried. I pray

like, I'm supposed to pray like grace before every meal. And at school, you know, they make me pray like all the time. And it's just, it's not for me, Matt. It might be for you, but it's not for me. And he said, okay, well, if anyone forced you to do anything, it probably wouldn't be enjoyable, but why don't you make your own space in your own time, in your own way, pray to God and just say that prayer, God, if you're real, show me. So I undertook this in desire to prove my brother wrong. And that was my prayer every day for a few weeks. Father, Son, Holy Spirit, hey God, if you're there, you're probably not.

But if you are, could you just show yourself to me? Amen, bye. So I prayed this prayer. I was really trying to be open, you know. I'd go along to my brother's youth groups, sing in his praise and worship sessions. People got a bit crazy there, didn't know what was really going on there. And he actually led me to NET training.

So I know we shared a little bit about NET before, but it's National Evangelization Teams. Every year we train up 50 young adults, 50 young adults who are super on fire for their faith. And they do a 10-month mission around the country. So my brother worked for them at the time, and he kind of snuck me into net training as a babysitter for his kid. He didn't tell me that, like, from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m.

it was, like, all talking about Jesus. This is great, Matt. Anyway, they had a prayer session, very expressive, a lot of hands in the air, a lot of singing. I thought it was a cult. I didn't know where I was. And after a few songs, I just thought I'd take a look around the room, and I noticed, wow, these people who are singing,

they actually look pretty happy. They look pretty genuine. I can't really argue with the experience that they're having. And it led me to contemplate my own life and how I wasn't happy. I was in touch with my need. Yeah, I knew I wasn't happy. I was going on searches, but I was going to the wrong places. I was getting involved in some pretty heavy drugs, impure relationships, just anything that people were doing. I was just trying everything, but it wasn't working. Being in the room with these 50 young adults on fire for God made me go into the chapel by my own and say what I believed to be my

first real prayer to God, which was actually being honest and pretty much saying that, yeah, God, I'm not happy. I don't feel happy. I don't know if you're real, but let me just give you the real me at least. I'm not happy and I'm not fulfilled. And I don't know what the answer is, but if you're real, if you actually created me and my arm hairs and my leg hairs and my thoughts and my desire for wine, if you actually made me and everyone and you want this relationship with me, if that's the truth, then that's, how could I say no to that? The next day I sat in on a talk, talking about the love of God. You know, God loves us so much. He sent his son to die for us.

Things I'd been told my whole life. But this time, this time when I heard it, something clicked in me. A part I'd left out of my story, I was praying a lot to Mary. She just seemed like less scary than Jesus. But it was in that moment, I really believe Mary answered my prayers. And I just, I had this encounter with God. And every time I tell this story, I never feel like I'm giving it enough justice because, oh my gosh, it was just like, I couldn't see. And then I could see. And then just thinking about my whole life, everyone that God had tried to place in my life to encourage me and help me. And I just wouldn't have a bar of it.

one that God had tried to place in my life to encourage me and help me and I just wouldn't have a bar of it. And I just knew without a doubt that God was real. I knew it and fight me for it. Like God is real and I experienced him. And for the past 10 years, I've been trying as much as I can to get to know this God and what his plan is for me and what he wants me to do with my life. this God and what his plan is for me and what he wants me to do with my life. But you know, at the time, people in my, I'm from Port Pirie. I don't know if you've heard of Port Pirie. Some people call it Potpourri, say it smells nice there. There is like no Catholic youth that I know of anyway. And people thought I was weird, you know, my friends, some of my friends were like, thanks, but no thanks. And it was bloody tough, but I couldn't deny this experience I had with God.

And undeniable experiences of God are truthful ones, and God wants those for you as well. But, you know, prayer is not just about feeling. It's not just about feeling good. Most of the time when I pray, I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat for dinner or if I'll have cute babies one day. But it's about just refocusing, bringing my mind back to that person of Jesus, trying to make space in my heart for him.

A beautiful quote, If your prayer is stripped of tender feelings, you will know that we don't reach God through our nerve endings. Do you guys want to hum with me? Let's go again. If your prayer is stripped of tender feelings, you will know that we don't reach God through our nerve endings. Good one. Steak. Nah, it's tastier than steak, isn't it? Jesus can access a part of you that no one else can. Hey, I don't know if you've

ever heard of the song, Fall Afresh. It's like my favorite worship song right now. There's this beautiful lyric, inviting the spirit, fall afresh on me, blow through the caverns of my soul. When I think of a cavern, I just think of this huge empty cave where no one goes. I don't know if you've ever found one of those on a hike before. You kind of like follow the cave in and then the hole becomes too small. You like can't keep going. But there's this part of you that no human, no thing can touch but God and it's your soul. My boss could turn Buddhist tomorrow and I'd be out of a job. You know, loved ones pass away, friends change. God can't. God cannot change. friends change. God can't. God cannot change.

God doesn't want a rest from you. God doesn't get sick of you. He doesn't want space from you. He's infinitely interested in you, in every single thought and desire and fear you have. And we can access more of him through prayer, you know, through daily personal prayer, whether that's 10 minutes a day or an hour a day or popping into the chapel when you can and just sitting. I thought perhaps I could play that song now and maybe we could pray a little bit together If you want to sing along, you can. Feel free to just drink in the words.

Henry Nowen, same guy who had the quote at the start of the talk, he says, the real work of prayer is to become silent and listen to the voice that says good things about me. John Paul II says, in order to see Jesus, we have to first let him look at us. So yeah, let's just take a few minutes now and place ourselves in the presence of God, recognizing that He is so generous. He wants to give us nine bottles of everything.

And it is funny, hey? It's funny, like it's joyful. It's awesome. It's awesome. Awaken, my soul. Come awake. soul come awake to hunger to seek

to thirst awaken first Awaken, first love, come awake And do as you did at first Spirit of the living God Come fall afresh on me Come wake me from my sleep. Blow through the caverns of my soul. Pour in me to overflow.

To overflow. Awaken my soul Come awake To hunger To seek To thirst Awaken First love Come awake Awaken, first love, come awake. And do as you did at first. At first Spirit of the living God

Come fall afresh on me Come wake me from my sleep Blow through the caverns of my soul Pour in me to overflow Spirit of the living God Come full afresh on me Come wake me from my sleep. Blow through the caverns of my soul, pour in me to overflow.

To overflow Just take a moment to open our hearts to God who wants to come and encounter us on our picnic blankets. Even if we've been totally distracted this whole prayer, He doesn't care. He loves you so much. Lord, we just pray that you would change our tastes, that we could really get a taste for you and to believe that we can't get that anywhere else by you. No career, no money,

no coffee, no Netflix, no person can fill us, Lord. Amen. Amen. Father, Son, Holy Spirit. So in conclusion I hope that you've gotten even just a tiny little slice of something from this talk that was from God and not from me but I really pray and I have prayed and will continue to pray that all of you guys can really get in touch with that need for God and go on that search daily and go straight to Jesus.

Not to feel good, but to become the person that you were meant to be. Because when we start to believe more and more that Jesus is who he says he is, that he is love, then we can start to believe that we are his beloved. And we start to see others that way. People become a bit more bearable and easier to love, you know, because we start to see Christ in everyone. People who annoy us can show us Jesus in ways that our best friends can't. So if I had to break it down into two things that perhaps you could take away and think about, the first would be to take time and ask yourself, how do you see Jesus? Maybe you see

him as Lord or Father or Messiah. But if you're anything like me, perhaps sometimes maybe you can fall into the trap of thinking that he's out to get you or that he's not worth being trusted or that he's playing games with you or that he's holding something good back from you. And a good aid for that is to flip that around and to ask God, you know, God, what do you think of me? Second thing I want to say is that, yeah, if we feel perhaps that God is holding out on us or if we feel, I don't know, like we're not where we want to be or there's a hurt in our life that is unresolved or I didn't get that job or anything, these hurts shouldn't paralyze us from living out of love

and for living this life full of purpose that God calls us to. Because God has called you to live a life in a way that I can't live, in a way that the Pope can't live. He has a purpose for you. And it's going to set the world ablaze. So that's my prayer for you guys. And this is the end of my talk. Thank you for having me. All right, all right. Thank you so much for listening to this special episode of Pines with Aquinas.

As I say, do us a favor and tweet me or Emma or both of us, at Matt Fradd, at Emma Fradd. Let us know what you thought about the talk. It's really great to have you listen to that and super proud of Emma. Check out her band, heaps good friends. And I will see you next Tuesday for our regular episode in which I talk to Father Damien Ference about Thomas Aquinas' epistemology. Have a great rest of the week. Selfish flesh. Whose wolves am I feeding myself to? Who's gonna survive?