Please Stop Talking - Beerkkake | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: October 11, 2020

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Must be legal drinking age. Hey, instead of an ad this week, I just wanted to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for letting me work on PST full-time. It's been my dream since I was a kid to make YouTube videos as a living, and as sad as that sounds in retrospect, it actually does mean the world to me

that i get to actually do it so whether you're please stop talking fan perilous storytelling fan patron an avid listener or this is the first time you actually try us out uh thank you so so much and now on with season four finale. This is all in the first episode. This is caveman music. I dig it. What is happening? It's new age.

I'm spicing it up. It's a clarity album. This just sounded like Grimes music. New age is like the fucking bronze age. Grimes? When Hogar makes his bronze cutlass. When Shungli goes with Hunga to get berries without you. Honestly, welcome

to the podcast, but also I went to a festival and once they said, you know, welcome on stage, Grimes, I fucking left. Really? Yeah. I went there for like Skepta, Jamie, Tyra the Creator, and went there for like skepta jamie tyra the creator and then there was like two two shows at the end and one of them was grimes and i didn't know it was grimes so when they said that i just went hey let's leave and then we just fucking left man a friend

made me leave for churches once fucking hates women yes hates women. Yes. I also don't like her music. But I did find that exchange where she was like desperately asking Elon to stop making fun of pronouns. I found that fucking hilarious. Then they named her baby like an aircraft serial number, right? No, that was beforehand.

Oh, okay. I'm pretty sure that was after the baby. Yeah, I'm saying sure that was after the baby. Yeah, I'm saying that naming the baby the serial number was way before the... Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, this happened after they named the baby after Nintendo's support

email code. Yo, what's your friend code? Just give me your friend code, brother. It's my baby's name. That way I can remember it what if you lose your switch account oh shit that's pretty wholesome 100 seeking you're gonna post your mom to big chungus um people were very confused last episode because they thought wait a minute i thought ed was in the hospital no i got hit with a car now. This is the post-car episode.

Get your facts straight. Anyways, anybody else got hit by a car? I mean, I'm just... I don't know. I mean, you know, a while ago. Did you interrupt Ed transitioning into it naturally? What the fuck was that? What was that? Oh, whoops.

Yeah. Like, David is literally starting to talk about it, and David's like, does anyone else get hit by a car? Anyone? That felt like an auction. I got one guy hit by a car, does anyone else hit by a car? Anyone? That felt like an auction. I got one guy hit by a car. Anybody else got hit by a car?

Can I get two? It's like he desperately doesn't want me to talk about it. Any reason you don't want me to talk about the car, David? You got something to say? It just hurts to hear you in pain. David was the driver. No, I never drive a car. Dude, that was fucking awful.

Not well, apparently. The last thing I remember listening to was Blinded by the Lights. I came out of the hospital hating two things, The Weeknd and Among Us. I'm a cheat, man. The Weeknd? Why The Weeknd, specifically? What did he do to you?

I just said that because I was listening to Blinded by the Lights before I got hit. And then you were blinded by taillights. Literally, yes. I was trying to put it on and then my phone's battery died and then I saw headlights on the floor. I was going to say ceiling, but the opposite. You were blindsided by the lights.

And then I looked behind me and I saw a car and I went, oh, I should probably go to the side of the road. And then the guy just fucking hit my side and threw me off the bike and the reason my spleen took so much damage is once I got out of the hospital we tested it when I stand up my spleen is perfectly aligned

with the side mirror of a car so it just went straight into my fucking yeah I still have a gash that sometimes when I scratch my back I'll just randomly like in calls, I'll randomly go, ah, fucker. And I because I forget it's there. I'm on painkillers like all the time. It's great.

Dude, that's so fucking sick, dude. I love painkillers. The best part about this is you can come out of this max pain. Yes. They don't work as fast as i thought they would you um you should start an addiction dude yeah you can do both you can do bullet that would be so fucking sick try this like like buying a timeshare you should start an addiction go to your priest to talk about your marriage falling apart what should i do father well i

think you should start an addiction here's some methamphetamine get at it they they really don't overestimate how good morphine is do that shit once it hits you feel it like go into the funny tube and then once it hits oh yeah your fucking head just goes it's a good time um but yeah the my favorite part of this story is telling people that once the guy hit me, I looked around and I didn't see anyone and my phone was dead. I just picked up my mangled body and I got

back on the scooter and I went, I should probably go home. Then I looked in the mirror once I got home and I went, I'll sleep this off. The adrenaline I'll sleep this off dude the adrenaline is fucking nuts dude I woke up and I couldn't move my arm or my legs so I just

charged my phone for a couple minutes and I text my mom and I go hey don't freak out I need to ride to the hospital. And then she just goes, what? And then she goes up the stairs and she sees me and she goes, I need a lie down. Oh, fuck.

Terrible. My fucking elbow was backwards. My fucking... Oh my god, what the fuck? My fucking, what do you call it my my side like my fucking hip was just ass my chin uh i don't know i don't know how accurate this is this could be my mom like freaking out but i don't think she was but apparently under my chin you could see bone so that was oh my god fucking yikes and then i had like the entire left side of my face well not entire

left side but a lot of it you could see it on stream once i got home afterwards but there was a big chunk of it that was just scraped off because i slid on the asphalt and apparently that's no bueno jesus good to know um but um and then that's when i got taken to the hospital uh and i just want to say to any americans watching, I don't want to politicize this, but you know that like the one of the big arguments that I see against socialized health care. It's like, oh, Europeans, when they need when they go to the emergencies, they have to wait in line. You're full of shit. Well, to be fair, you got hit by a car. Yes, but their argument is always that like, oh, if I need to go to the hospital for like an emergency, I have to wait in line.

Oh, no. If it's an emergency, usually you're like, they're like, oh, fuck, dude. I don't know why people say that, but whatever. It's because they hear, oh, if you have a non-essential operation, you'll need to wait in line compared to... Oh, sorry, if you're bleeding out, you have to wait in line. Yeah. I mean, okay, that's what I thought they were saying. Well, if you have head injury or any trauma, they're like, oh, shit, bro, get on that.

Luckily, I didn't have a head injury, but at the cost of my right arm, which is actually fine now, which is good. Bro, hell yeah. I remember when I fell off the scooter, all the damage went straight to my elbow because I put my right arm in front of my face. So my head was fine. I didn't get any concussions or anything. You did have bone showing out of your chin, so I don't know about that.

No, that's from the sliding. That's from the slam. I'm just saying that that counts as part of your head yeah but you know it's not the bad it's not the bad time yeah i'm glad your brain was fine it's like that image oh your regular big brain gets a concussion takes damage my small, can dodge. But yeah, and then they took me in. And then what's weird is that when they took me in, I didn't get seen. I didn't get taken in by a doctor. I got taken in by like two interns in a row.

And when they fucking felt me up, they both like back to back went, I don't see anything wrong with you besides the superficial stuff. And then a doctor actually came in and then she touched a specific part of my back and i just fucking yelled and she went oh that's not good um and then that's when they gave me a stomach scan and they went okay so your spleen is on the verge of collapsing um because it took the brunt of the damage. So we're gonna give you a cast for your arm, blah blah, a bunch of other shit,

and then we're gonna keep you hospitalized and monitor you to make sure that nothing bad happens. So I stayed one night in the ICU where I couldn't move at all and I had to pee in a tube. But I had full control of my dick and balls.

So keen-eyed, keen-eared listeners might be wondering, where does the catheter come in? The twist is, I didn't have a pee catheter. I had a blood catheter. And did you know that blood catheters are the worst thing invented by a human being? Because it is a big fucking tube that gets shoved into your wrist, down your entire fucking artery, on your forearm. And the reason they had to do that was because they had to take blood tests every two hours.

And they didn't want to have to prick my arm every two hours. So they just had a big fucking tube in me. And then they just turn a valve whenever they need to take my blood. But that was just for the first 24 hours. After that, I just had to take blood tests every like eight or ten hours or whatever. That's still a lot. Yeah. every like eight or ten hours or whatever um it's still a lot yeah so afterwards they have to take the catheter out right so they wheel me into my room and they go okay the icu needs the catheter back so how they do it is it's actually doesn't hurt that much they just fucking pull the tube

out instantly uh the problem is it comes out of't hurt that much. They just fucking pull the tube out instantly. The problem is it comes out of your artery and out of your wrist. So there's going to be a lot of blood coming out. So what the woman did was the moment she took it out, she put pressure on my wrist and then she wrapped a piece of cloth around my wrist like super fucking tight. Like I instantly stopped feeling my hand because all the circulation got cut off. Oh, and then she looked at her watch and she went, okay, I'm going to leave now. But in 15 minutes, you got to call me again to get this out. Because if you don't, your hand, it's going to be bad for your hand. Because, you know, getting blood cut off is not good.

So I give it like 13 minutes and then I ring it because I know it takes a little bit of time to get to my room. And then on the dot, she gets here at the 15-minute mark. But it's not her. It's a different nurse. And I go, hey, my hand's blue. We need to take this thing out, like, right now. And she just looks at my hand and she goes, ooh, I'm going to go call the nurse that did that.

You stay right there. And I go, okay. Another 15 minutes pass. I call the button again. I go, hey, can't feel my hand. It's purple. Can I get this out, please? It's another nurse this time.

And she goes, ooh, I don't know what that is. I'm going to go call the nurse that did that. No! And then at this point, I wait 30 minutes. And then I call it again. And then she finally shows up. And the moment she sees my hand, she goes, Nobody cut it out? No!

And then she literally just grabs scissors and cuts it out. She goes, anybody could have done this. I don't know why they didn't. Free healthcare. Yes. God damn it. Thanks, Denmark. I'd like to speak to the healthcare manager. God damn it. Thanks, Denmark. I'd like to speak to the healthcare manager.

This is unacceptable. Another fun thing about being in a hospital room for a couple days is, I assume this is also a thing in America, you don't have a room to yourself. You always have a roommate. Not always. Not always. It depends. Depends on the hospital.

I had my own room and my appendix almost exploded oh okay oh the appendix baby's first spleen i gotcha yep yeah i've been there too um we had a lot of covid cases and still do so i think that's why all the rooms are pretty full but my guy my guy didn't have covid um my guy uh i don't know what he had something to do with his stomach but he but like his entire like lower half was completely bandaged up so i assume it was bad uh and he couldn't move from his bed at all which means that he did actually have the pee and poo catheter he had the the classic um here's the problem though the way the rooms are organized are you got the door and then you got two beds

I got the bed that's next to the door my roommate got the bed that's next to the window so the bathroom that we have in the room that's shared is next to the door so which is good for me I don't have to walk a lot to get to it

and he doesn't and he can't use it. So I'm like, oh cool, bathroom all to myself. The problem is every once in a while, the, the, his shit and piss bags have to be replaced. So he calls the nurses

and, you know, they pull up the curtains so I don't have to see it. But they have to go empty the bags. Oh no! No! Who's in the route to go empty the bags?

It's me. So every couple hours I'd have to watch a nurse walk back and forth with a bag full of piss and shit. And for the first couple days I actually saw a bit of meat chunks in there

so that was cool. Oh my god. What the fuck? Meat chunks? Soup. That guy was not having a good time. And I'm pretty sure I caught him watching porn once, but... What? I mean, can you fault the guy?

Look at what he's going through. I can't fault him at all. I was just like, I mean, can you wait for the nurses to pull the curtains up? Well, no, because then the nurses will be there. That'd be rude. Do you think like... Do you think like, you know how there's that bean that they feed to that one animal and then it poops it out and then they then they make coffee out of that you

mean bat guano wait do you think like yeah no there's talking about civet shit coffee that's a thing i have actually that's well it's like the most delicious coffee and the most expensive coffee on the planet but because they make the animal eat the beans and then it shits them out. It shits them out as full beans and it removes all the acidity. Whoa, that's so weird. So they wash the beans and then you fucking grind them up and put them in your coffee

and it is the most delicious coffee I've ever had. And I've had it once. He had shit coffee. I did shit coffee and it was delicious. He had shit coffee. I did have shit coffee and it was delicious. He ate shit. But do you think the hospital was doing that but for like progressive stew? Stop.

Shut the fuck up. Progresso, not progressive shit. I was thinking progressive stew. Was this another healthcare joke? I didn't know you thought brendan's joke was a little bit too advanced if i ever make a joke that sounds too advanced it's a mistake just so i'm very intelligent ed continue oh sorry i was just trying to remember more details. I think that was about it for my hospital stay. The fun part is when on the last day they came up to me and they went, OK, before we let you go, we're going to do a blood test and we're going to do an ultrasound to check if everything's OK.

And I went, all right, bring it on. And then I waited for like an hour and then nobody showed up. And then a nurse showed up to like clean my sheets or something and I said hey are you guys gonna take a blood test or and she went oh no turns out we're not gonna do a blood test because your previous blood tests were so good that we're gonna assume nothing's wrong now free health care and I went Avery I hate you you said that to her that's fucked um and i went oh okay we're still doing the ultrasound right she went yeah okay and then i waited like another hour and then the doctor showed up and i went all right here we go take me to the wheelhouse and then they went all right mr eduardo you're free to go what am i and i went oh yeah you? And I went, oh, yeah, you can just leave.

We're done. You're good. You can go home and rest. And I went, what about the ultrasound? And they went, no, but your previous ultrasounds were so good that we're actually going to skip on all of this. And you just go home. And I went, huh. At that moment, I was just riding the high that I was going to get to go home.

So I just fucking went with it um and I went home spent a couple days just hanging out not taking it easy eating food in bed every once in a while I had to sit because otherwise the I didn't circulate blood through my body properly and then I had a conversation with Avery about the new Sherlock Holmes movie about his daughter starring Henry Cavill. And then Avery kept telling me that movie didn't exist. And that really, really upset me. So my spleen burst. What the fuck?

That's not a joke. Avery, what the fuck you got so angry that you're when he was on drugs after getting hit by a car listen I was trying to recoup my losses it didn't work the first time I had to try something else

but we were just talking about the new Enola Holmes movie on Netflix and I got really really upset and then I at a point moment I went I'm not feeling well I'm gonna go really upset and then I at a point moment I went I'm not feeling well I'm gonna go lie down and then at first it was just a really aggressive like stomachache and I was like oh man I must have eaten a lot and then it kept getting really really bad and that's when I started sweating and and going I don't want to go back I'm just gonna wait it out um turns out spleen pain when it ruptures

is the worst pain on the fucking planet because it's like a really sensitive organ that just implodes inside you and all the blood just starts gushing out and it just I mean the rupture itself really really hurts um so that's when i text my mom and i go hey don't freak out but we gotta go back uh the problem with your spleen bursting is that um it's not constant pain but the spleen is pretty much glued to the diaphragm. So every time you breathe, the pain gets worse. Oh, man. So I had to take really, really short breaths, which really didn't help the stress of one of my organs melting inside my body. Because I was breathing really fast because of stress.

And also because if I took long breaths, uh, it would be like unbearable. Um, the pain was so bad that, um, when I got to the hospital and then they treated me and they went, Oh yeah, you're definitely, you definitely have an internal hemorrhage. And then they took me in, gave me, they gave me one dose of morphine and then the nurse left. I rang the bell and I go, I need more. Then she gave me more nurse left. I rang the bell and I go, I need more. Then she gave me more. Nurse left. I rang the bell. I need more. Blah, blah, blah.

I had to do that 11 times before I stopped feeling pain. I took 11 doses of morphine before I stopped feeling it. Holy fuck. It was very bad pain. And then they took me in for a stomach scan and they said, oh yeah, you need surgery. The problem with the surgery was that two things. First of all, I was like, okay, whatever. They're going to put me under and I'm going to get a cool scar. Both lies, straight up lies, by the way, because I asked the, before, when they told me I was going to get surgery and they

were going to wheel me out, I asked like, oh, okay, me I was going to get surgery and they were going to wheel me out I asked like okay what are you gonna are you gonna do like a general anesthetic and I went oh no we're gonna like put you to sleep I went oh cool so they wheel me in and they're telling me what the procedure is gonna be blah blah hey we're gonna cut you open shove a tube in you and then we're gonna shove a tube through your whatever until we reach your spleen and then we're gonna reinforce the walls of your spleen i went all right that sounds great when do i get knocked out and then they went you don't i went what oh no oh yeah this is just going to be local we're just going to put up a curtain and you're not going to see anything and then i had flashbacks to my circumcision and um it wasn't as bad and i wasn't listening to late 2013's dubstep so it

definitely wasn't as bad um but yeah they pull up the curtain they gave me the anesthetic anesthetic was a fucking bitch but whatever and i felt the tube go in me and then every once in a while i had to hold my breath it was like a it was like a tube with a camera. It was actually kind of cool. But I didn't even. Not only did I not get put to sleep. I didn't even get a cool scar. Well I did get a scar technically. But one it's not cool.

Two I'm not going to be able to show it off casually. Because it's right next to my fucking right testicle. They cut me open next to my nuts. And then they shoved the tube. From my nuts. To my fucking spleen. I don't know why they didn't just cut open closer to it. But I guess they didn't want like a visible scar. Which makes sense.

From your nuts to your spleen. That's because you didn't ask for it to be visible. You should have asked before they started. I don't think that's an option. That was the mistake. Hey, can you do this bit cool? This is the problem. There that's an option that was the mistake hey can you do this there's there's always a problem there is always an option buddy you just this is the problem with socialized medicine if i go to my doctor with a gaping wound i tell him that i'll pay the five

thousand dollar surcharge to get the cool scar the cool search um yeah so then that surgery was done i was a bit doozy from all the morphine and the anesthetic and then they wheeled me back to the icu and the nurses went welcome back and i went you're fucking funny this is a funny bit and then they wheeled me back to the same room that i was in five days ago and then um when i was out of the morph, a woman showed up to give me the sit rep, and she was like, okay, so right now you have another blood catheter, but don't worry,

because we went ahead and we used the hole that's next to your balls for it, so yay. So now I have a giant catheter. Great so now i have no no because they went you know we didn't have to shove it in we the hole was there so we just used that to put the catheter great news it's next to your nads uh no so they tell me you definitely can't stand up because if you put any weight on this right leg at all it'll hurt like a bitch because i have the tube goes into my the catheter goes into my nuts and then down the vein of my uh thigh my right man jesus this is great news to be fair it kind

of was because putting in the catheter in my wrist hurt a lot yeah removing it was fine so i'm actually kind of glad but we'll get to that um so back to peeing in a tube back to the every two hour blood tests classic um but now they tell me that i should be fine in theory whatever so you know same procedure i gotta spend 24 hours in the icu and then the nurses straight up tell me in the morning the most you can do is either lie down or sit up on your bed you cannot bend your legs because you have a tube in there um and i went you got it so that's when the um orderly i think those that's what those are calling you the nurses that show up to get you to shit or piss are those orderlies

am i using the right word i think that works sure yeah so then the orderly lady shows up and she goes, oh, yeah, for context, they make patients sit on a chair at least once a day. So blood flows better through your body. And she goes, all right, patient, dumbass, time to sit in your chair. I go, what? And they go, yes, you have to sit in the chair for your legs. And I go, no, I know. I can't. I have a tube in my leg

and they go it's fine it's not gonna hurt and they forced me to sit in the chair it hurt a lot so that was fun uh i i even said can't we remove the we're not getting the catheter anymore because i'm going to a room soon can't we remove this and then she goes no no no you got to move your legs i'm not paid enough for this and i go okay so i have to sit in the fucking chair with a tube in my fucking thighs artery uh it hurts so much and i literally just sat down for 30 minutes and i got back on the bed. Fuck her. Jesus Christ. Um, and then the lady shows up and she goes, okay, time to remove the catheter. So here's, so here's the problem with the leg catheter. Um, I, in my head I was like, okay, so in theory, putting it in hurts, I didn't get to feel that. And then removing it doesn't hurt so i was chilling but then the lady says okay i gotta warn

you this is gonna hurt a lot and i went oh why why is that and she went well we can't um because of the way the because it's a hole in your fucking balls we can't just wrap a piece of cloth around your entire waist because it's gonna crush your fucking cock and ball um so i'm gonna have to put pressure on it and then i went for how long and she went oh at least 20 minutes so she took out the catheter i didn't feel anything but then i had to feel a woman's fingers on my fucking open artery for 20 minutes it hurt so much dude that was awful dude oh my fucking god dude that was awful but yeah she had to do that for 20 minutes and then put like a giant fucking she put like seven bandages on it. Because it was a hole. Yeah.

But yeah, and then she did that. And then she went, okay, you're ready to go to your room. We're just going to give you lunch before you go. I went, alright, sick. And then as I'm waiting for my lunch, a cleaning lady shows up. Pushing one of those big carts with like the broom in it.

And then she stops at the front cleans my piss tube and then she grabs the thing pushes it over next to me to clean the floor she hits my bed she hit

my fucking bed with the cleaning cart and I freak out because the entire thing shook and i'm not supposed to hit anything or shake so i'm freaking out and i start texting my mom like you're white get her fired i was so mad holy shit no I've never been more angry

as to when that lady hit my fucking bed cause I was literally like less than 24 hours after surgery what a moron. But whatever. It was probably a mistake, dude. Yeah, I mean, no.

No, they get the, oh, sorry, I'm the bed smasher. It's my shift. Oh, dude. What if she was, though? That would be super fucked. The bed smasher? Yeah, she just goes out and fucking destroys beds while you're on it dude that freaked me out because like i already like literally they told me that it was just like the

reason my spleen burst was because uh it was already there was a chance that it would happen like regardless no matter how careful i was because I was careful but I have a feeling that it's because I was sneezing a lot and then when I asked my doctor he was like yeah there's a chance because every time I sneeze there's like big abdominal pressure so you're at a point where this is the second time you're in the fucking hospital

you just got done with surgery on your spleen that you were told you wouldn't need and then a woman shows up and goes lol and then just fucking hip checks you like what that's fucking horrible dude yeah it freaked me out oh my god so yeah in the heat of the moment she was the driver in the heat of the moment no i straight up texted my mom like get her fired um but yeah so i get taken to my new room and my room at this time is a very very old man uh who didn't let me sleep ever and i don't blame him uh he had like some weird fucking breathing apparatus that went like into his like nose holes and then it just the machine like every five seconds went

so yeah i barely slept that second uh hospital stay but a couple more funny things happened uh namely how many sorry i i just want to cut how many uh how many days did you actually stay in the hospital like in total uh the the like about a week the accident happened on the 17th i got out of round two on the 29th or 30th so like two weeks yeah that's horrible yeah but yeah the the the second room you know i had the old guy that didn't let me sleep but it was very nice we we we talked shit every once in a while yeah do you guys know that machine how do i explain this you know that machine where like they wrap this piece of velcro around one of your limbs and then it gets like really really tight oh the blood pressure machine yeah so they you know they do that like every 30

minutes but that's like regardless of what condition you have. They just do that to make sure you're not like passing out or anything. Yeah. So, oh, right. Another piece of context as to how bad the pain was for the first day. It was so fucking bad that not only did I need 11 doses of morphine to stop feeling anything. They also said, hey, we're going to go ahead and give you two IV tubes for the rest

of this hospital stay because it looks like you're not having fun, which was great by the way. So I had two of them. So basically my left arm was completely just jacked up with every needle known to man. My right arm had a cast.

So my blood pressure, they had to wrap the piece of Velcro around either of my legs, which I assume the nurses aren't used to, because one time a nurse showed up, took my temperature, took whatever, and then she fucking wrapped a piece of thing around my my leg as like the last thing she was supposed to do because it's a whole like routine and then it started tightening and then it loosened up and then so do you guys know the setup right like it's like a little

machine you have to push it's on wheels and they push like from room to room and it's got everything on it um so she checks the machine and says oh okay fucking 13080 you're good. And then she starts wheeling out the machine. She didn't take the Velcro out. Oh god damn it. Oh jeez.

So I start going Hey! She almost fucking pulled me out of my bed. Holy shit, dude. Yo, she's fucking powerful as shit. Yeah, I don't know what happened. I think in that second hospital stay, they got extremely more incompetent.

Because there were even bits where I would have a lady just... I'd be on the bed, cast on one hand, left arm completely, like, just jacked up to shit. And then I'd have a woman bringing my lunch. And then she'd put it on the table in front of me. Like, not the table on the bed. She'd put it in front of me. And then she'd say, bon appetit and fuck off. And I'd just sit there like, um, what?

What the fuck? And then I'd have to, like, ring to like ring a new nurse like hey can you give me my food it's over there yeah i i don't know i think they just i i think they thought i was unironically that guy on twitter go like that goes like oh hi one surgery please i don't need it i just want free stuff uh socialism what have you not seen that i can't stop getting surgeries it's that tweet that's like a guy pulls up to the hospital and he goes hi can i have one surgery oh i don't need it i just like free stuff and then the doctor shakes his fist and goes because of socialism i must comply i think the nurse like surgery is getting a breath mint yeah I think the nurse just thought I was that guy

so they just stopped giving a fuck just started trolling me um oh man he's just doing this for the free catheter I think I did ironically get trolled once because they uh

the nurse showed up to my room and she went, Hi, I'm the nurse that's going to take your COVID test. And I'm like, okay, fair enough. And then she said, okay, so we're going to have to take DNA samples from your nose, your mouth, whatever. And then she said, I'm really, really sorry. I'm going to have to say this in French after because it's way funnier. But she went,'m really really sorry uh i i'm gonna have to say this in french after because it's way funnier but she went i'm really sorry one of the tests is in your ass and then allow me to say that allow me to say the french version because it's way funnier she was

genuinely if she was saying it like i could feel that she was heartbroken while she while she said that she went oh my god so far i don't know why but it's so much funnier because she said just you never. Exactly. That is so fucking, dude, I felt it. Holy shit. All I caught was anus, but it was pretty funny hearing anus in French.

It's because she, for people who don't understand french like it's just the most somber way to say that possible it's like she's saying it's like it's like she's going to fucking it's like she's going to take you out back and fucking it's like she's saying the french version of this is so sad. And yeah, I'm pretty sure I got trolled because then my sister came to visit and I was like, oh yeah, they had to do the COVID test. It was in my ass lol. And she went, what?

No, it's not. It's just in your nostril. It goes like way up in your nostril. What the fuck happened, dude? And I went, yeah, no, they did that. And then she went, why do you have to put cotton in your ass? I went, I don't know. It happened.

What the fuck, dude? What the fuck, dude? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I just got fucked with. Oh, well. Man, I see why people don't want to do that COVID test. You got lich rolled, bro. I'm trying to think of anything else that might have happened but i think that pretty much wraps it up and then oh yeah i i think i think the other i've told avery this but i think the only other time that

i genuinely feared for my spleen because i i barely felt any pain past that it was mostly um well no actually that's not very true. For the first three days after the surgery, I could barely breathe because now my spleen didn't hurt. But the problem is I bled so much that I had a giant clot, like a giant blood clot on my spleen that hardened. So every time, you know, same deal. Every time I inhaled, it would move the clot and it would hurt. So the doctor said, we can't really do anything about that you just have to like wait it out and i did like three days later i was like progressively breathing better better and better um but on like day four or something of round two i i saw the news that the new borat movie

was like greenlit and whatever i don't know if you guys saw but i saw the news that the new Borat movie was like greenlit and whatever. And I don't know if you guys saw, but I saw the headline of the title that they went with. Do you guys know what the, you thought you were hallucinating? No, I just started laughing so much. It's a long fucking title.

Have you guys seen it? No, I have not. I can read it out for you. Yeah, please do. I read it in the hospital bed and I, I was laughing so much. And the first thing he, he sent it to me and he said, I'm you. Please do. I read it in the hospital bed and I was laughing so much.

He sent it to me and he said I'm dying. Literally dying. It hurts so much because I couldn't laugh. I literally warned everybody, don't make me laugh because it hurts my spleen. This is written in phonetics. Borat, gift of pornographic monkey

to Vice Premier Michaelence to make benefit recently diminished nation of kazakhstan i couldn't even read the whole thing initially i just saw the words gift of pornographic monkey and that was it that's fucking funny as shit side note i know if you guys have seen the trailer because now a trailer's out that movie looks fucking perfect i can't wait to see that movie i have not i'm excited to see the people who didn't know who borat was. The plot of the movie is Borat comes to America again, but he's under disguise so he doesn't get found. But he's trying to sell off his daughter

to marry Michael Pence. Mike Pence, sorry. So that begs the question, why is it called Gift of Pornographic Monkey? the question why is it called gift of pornographic monkey i can't question sasha baron cohen he knows what he's doing so whatever um but yeah fair and then um i had a friend of mine coming to visit as well because he was in town. And he told me something. Because, like, the night before that.

So the reason I was out in the first place at, like, 2 a.m. was because that night my friend had finished his dissertation. And he wanted to. It was a fucking Wednesday. So nobody wanted to go out. But he wanted to because, you know, he wanted to celebrate. Because he's, like, done with his studies his studies for like the fucking for ages now and he was like come on let's go out let's have a few and I was like all right fine but I'm not gonna

drink much because I was saving myself for Friday um so me and him went out along with two other people that we were really close to we were having having a good time. And then we went to like a few bars and he just started fucking pounding shots of tequila. And me and everybody else were like, we're good. You have fun, though. And then and then, you know, I just left it and that happened. And then he told me that, like, dude, this is so funny because right before you texted me saying that you got hit by a car i was literally typing out a message saying dude i woke up and i can't move but then you said that to me literally like i just had a really bad hang, but you literally got hit by a car.

And it was just weird because he visited me on round two. So he visited me like on the like the 26th or the 28th. And we had gone out on the 17th. Like it had been so long at that point. And so much should have happened like in between that and now fucking Belgium went into lockdown again. So everything's closed again. We can't go out. Yeah. Same thing here. Yeah yeah but yeah after that

I uh oh good lord I think I think that's about it though uh they took out the leg catheter my scar my balls um oh right no and then I mean the biggest piece of anxiety

was the fact that they told me okay so, so we're just gonna, we're gonna give you a stomach scan on Monday. And if there's any amount of, we detected on the first scan that you have tiny wounds on your spleen that aren't the major ones, but there's a chance they might enlarge and bleed more. So if by that stomach, so if the next stomach scan happens on Monday and any of those wounds got bigger, we gotta get rid of it. Like, we gotta remove your spleen. Jesus. What happens if they remove your spleen? What does the spleen do exactly?

It just severely restricts your diet, like what you can eat and stuff. Not just that, the spleen takes a huge part in your immune system. So not only would it extremely restrict your diet, if you were to have your spleen removed, you could live fine. But you would have to add like 20 new vaccines to your list because your immune system would be just ass without a spleen. You could not live deliciously no not at all um damn but yeah no they did the stomach scan on monday and i was fine and then they said all right you can technically go home but we're gonna wait for the uh scan on tuesday for your arm

and then they scanned my arm uh and then they said oh okay we think this will heal better if we take the cast off because they think if i uh they said that if, okay, we think this will heal better if we take the cast off. Because they said that if I got movement back on my arm, it would be better to get used to moving my elbow again. Because it was the elbow that was fucked. The fucking tendons turned into spaghetti. Damn, I wish that was me. So I've just been having physiotherapy every other day. I've been having physiotherapy every other day, and it's going well,

but I still can't bend it properly. My wrist is also pretty fucked, but we're gamers. Whose wrist isn't fucked? At least you have a vertical mouse. Hey, man. Ergonomics, shut up. I mean, that's a good thing.

Being serious. Yeah, no no i got extremely lucky that i bought an ergonomic mouse like right before the accident because i probably wouldn't be able to use a regular one because i'd have to twist my wrist into it and i can't do that to be fair i'm making i was making a joke i i've been using my fucking mixer for everything to the ergonomic community i'm so sorry i'm so sorry it's more for avery because avery was the one this is the one that keeps recommending me to actually be careful about that shit yeah wrist pain sucks yeah i have carpal tunnel so oh that's not good yeah no it's not good but it's fine actually it's actually carpal tunnel that I have

is comparable to getting hit by a car and staying for two weeks actually but yeah the moral of the story is you can do hit and runs because apparently you can get away with it because today I got confirmation that they can't find the guy

so oh really? how many points are you worth what's 50 bucks 50 bucks um yeah i mean that's about it i don't think there's a i don't think there's a knee slapper on the conclusion is there oh well there is no oh shit yo this one was and this was actually the worst one okay so um do you guys know oh my god i could i blocked this out of my memory that's how fucking bad it is okay i'm gonna stop hyping it up um so again for uh so the ritual was in the mornings they'd give me blood tests and then every 30 minutes they'd have a woman or a guy pull up and measure my blood pressure uh take my temperature

and there was a third one that doesn't matter but whatever so that was the ritual so one blood test a day right so i wake up this is like a monday i think i wake up guy pulls up does my regular blood test fucks off like all right sick i personally i don't know about you guys i don't think blood tests hurt but i hate them because they make me queasy doesn't matter how much they take yeah they make after they do it yeah um actually i uh i get queasy but just like at the beginning because i i don't hate needles that's the weird part i just get queasy about anything that goes into my veins yeah exactly i don't know i don't mind them is it what else goes into your veins a lot of things chocolate like i don't know. Fucking.

Dirt and mud from the old industrial factory. Yeah. Blue collar jobs. I'm not scared of needles. I'm unsettled by them. I didn't say you were scared of needles. I'm not scared, Avery! I'm not scared! I've never been scared.

For someone who's not scared of needles. I've never been scared. For the needle community, I'm so sorry. My thing is, is like, as long as I look away, like, I'm fine. Because I've had so much Novocaine in my mouth at this point that it's just like, just poke me, bro. Yeah, no, I also do the look away thing. In your mouth? Yeah, I have 15 fillings.

Oh, really? Wow. Shit. Jesus. Yeah, I was poor as a kid. I didn't brush my teeth. So then I have a bunch of metal in my mouth holy frank that's sick you're like metal mouth yeah i have a fake tooth and

everything like my teeth are fucked they look fine though so i mean that's yeah yeah i've never i've never noticed that's why i'm so surprised yeah i broke my teeth look nice yeah i got lucky yeah brush your teeth fuckers um yeah fuck what was i gonna say uh yeah so the guy did the blood test and for me so every time somebody takes a blood test my head hurts and i sweat a lot i don't know why the sweating happens but i don't know either um and then actually sorry when you got tattooed do you also get the do you also get like super sweaty for no fucking reason? I don't remember being sweaty for the tattoo. Because every time I've gotten a tattoo, I always get insanely, insanely sweaty and it's fucking disgusting. And she keeps having to wipe my fucking arm off.

I might have. It's so gross. I don't remember. arm off i might have actually it's so gross i don't remember but i i probably did yeah it's nasty yeah but yeah uh so guy takes my blood test i get all sweaty and whatever and then fucks off um and then woman shows up for the ritual uh and then takes my blood pressure uh and then she puts the thermometer in me and then she looks at my hand and she goes oh they still haven't taken the iv out they went no they haven't and she went okay let me take it out real quick so for context for people that haven't been in the hospital so iv is something everybody has that just fucking, it goes in your wrist and they give you like, it's like sugary water, basically. It keeps you fed, quote unquote.

You know, vitamin water. That's literally what they put in your veins, bro. Pretty much it. And the way they set it up is they put it in your, they put it in your wrist and then they like cover the entry point in tape so it doesn't come off and then they bend it inside the tape so how do i explain this so like if the cable falls it doesn't fucking hurt you know what i mean like there's a bending yeah that's inside the tape so when you remove it what you do is you slowly peel off the tape until it's not a contact in the skin anymore and then you grab you know the iv entry point like that and you just pull it like instantly

like in one motions and then that's it like there's barely any blood that comes out when it doesn't it doesn't even hurt yeah i mean it's because the needle's so fucking tiny yeah and the the thing is you you've had the needle in you for so long because it's the IV that your skin is so used to it that when it gets removed you barely feel it right so I don't know what was up with her or her experience but she

thought that it would be better that you rip out the tape like a fucking band-aid? No. Which meant that when she ripped out the tape in one go, I was looking away when this happened, but she went, oh, no.

And then I felt a lot of pressure on my wrist. And I went, what's going on? And I look over. There is so much blood No! What the fuck! Because when she ripped out the tape the IV2 went with it and there is so much blood Fuck that!

Fuck that! Dude what the fuck! You know what they say you get what you pay for So Ba da ba ba da ba What the fuck? You know what they say. You get what you pay for. So I see that. And I just fucking grab the bed with my right hand. And I start going, oh, my God. Yeah, dude.

This is awful. And then she goes, it's okay. It's going to be fine. I'm just putting pressure on it. And I feel myself going pale because of what I just saw and then I start hearing beeping I start hearing beeping and I go what the fuck is that and she goes oh that's the thermometer it's done oh no you have 38.5

and in my head I don't see but in my head I'm like no shit I'm dying here I just saw my fucking wrist explode and then she went oh 38.5 oh sometimes after surgery you have fever it's a side effect i'm like no you ripped my wrist open i'm freaking out this has nothing to do with the surgery and she goes well we can't be too careful i'm gonna have to take more blood tests oh my god no oh no and you're being harvested

so i've already lost blood from the first blood test i am dying because of my open wrist and then she pressures the wrist puts a band puts like two three band-aids on it fucks off the guy when he took when you take a blood test it's like three milliliters tops it's like a tube she comes back with three cups uh you got the david special hell yeah being harvested dude you have a clone too this is sick so she fucking drains me for ages and then she just leaves so for the next three hours my body is just white and shaking i am shaking yeah so much and i can't stop and that was the worst it was the worst and the best part about it is you know how like when you go take like a give blood they always give

you a donut so you get your blood sugar back you know uh get fucked retard uh lunches in three hours so what yeah I didn't have food I mean I mean I thought the IV were you plugged to an IV because that does the

same thing right doesn't it give you electrolytes and a bit of like blood sugar no she took it out because that was my last day oh no and she ripped it out do you know did you miss that part that's why he's bleeding so much no i thought i thought she ripped it out i thought she she ripped out the uh the blood test i didn't i didn't think she ripped out the iv no no no the guy took tests and then fucked off and then she was just all she going to do was take the IV out and give me the routine thermostat, blood pressure, whatever.

I said blood pressure, not blood tests, I hope. Okay, sorry, sorry. That's awful. That's fucking awful. And then they told me, hey, they actually did a final stomach scan this fine and then everything turned out fine and then they told me like hey you're you're uh they actually did a final stomach scan this fine and then everything turned out fine then they told me to go home and i took the cast off

that's good and now i've been at home for like a week now and i had a really funny not funny at all jesus christ this is so tragic um but i had a really funny conversation with my mom on um the first thursday after I came back again. And she went, are you sure everything's OK? And I went, yeah, why? And then she went, OK, because the accident happened on a Thursday. And then your spleen ruptured the next Thursday. I'm just making sure that today you're OK.

I was like, yes, I'm fine. I'll be fine. And yeah, so now so far so good. I'm not too worried about the spleen anymore because like what they did, they fucking reinforced the walls of it. I have tightened spleen now. That's good. So. Your spleen is so fucking powerful.

Chad spleen. Yeah. I'm just, it's just my arm now before I can properly use a computer again. And I also, I was telling this to either Cameron or someone earlier today, but ever since the hospital, I have a tendency to get tired way faster. Like way more often than usual. I don't know if that's normal. I mean, that's just because, yeah, I mean, that's just because you're recuperating.

Yeah, that's what he said too, but it's Cameron, so I was wary. No, he's right this time. He might have been trying to bait me into something i don't know man oh god that's horrible yeah that's what talking to cameron yeah uh but yeah that's my uh that's my hospital story it was terrible and i never want to I never. I never want to get hit by a car again. That's for sure. But I also never want to get hospitalized anymore. Like, good Lord, that shit was the worst. I don't know. That seemed kind of fun, bro.

No. That was kind of a funny story. I also had to. I also had to see the old. Oh, one time the nurses, when they were cleaning out the old guy, they cleaned him out and whatever. Because they have to clean out his snort bag. Because he had a bag that... His what?

Yeah, because he had a snort bag. Is he DSP? His snort bag. No. I was sitting next to Snort Franklin. But no, I think... Because every once in a while, would hear him wretch like constantly i think like one of the tubes gave him oxygen then the other one just took out like any phlegm or whatever

because basically what i'm trying to get at is one time when the nurses cleaned out his retching bag i guess they left it in the they forgot to take it out of the bathroom and they just left it in so one time i went to go pee and i just see like a huge fucking like container that's full of green things and i didn't like that tell us about the bachelor party yeah i had a very different week than ed after i uh ruptured his spleen um after i ruptured ed's spleen, I went to a bachelor party. Yeah, so normally I wouldn't go to a bachelor party in the middle of a pandemic, but it's a family thing. So I kind of had to or I would never hear the end of it. So the bachelor party was in Colorado in the same town that we always that we're usually go to like every year yeah yeah it

was there and I didn't know anyone there outside of like my brother and my future brother-in-law so it was strange it was eventful, I guess. On the, uh, on the first night, I wanted to make a good first impression because I was going to be spending a week here. Wait, first night? How long was this bachelor party? I'll get to that. What? So, uh, first night, well, it's because it was like a fucking interstate travel kind of thing like it wasn't just like a one night affair like it was in colorado so on the first night i just decide

that i want to win these guys over and i get a vibe over the course of the first day i get really really fucking drunk to the point where i am in a hot tub shaking up cans of cheap beer and then crushing them and then so that there's a hole open in the side of them and then spraying them in my face what and then the dude next to me shakes up a can crushes it on the side and then starts spraying that in my face as well. Holy shit. This is the college experience. That's beer cockade. It was like a fucking frat party.

Beer cockade. Most people call it a beer shower, but yeah, sure. Fuck it. Beer cockade. Well, it's a beer shower if there's only one doing it. If it's a bunch of people, then it's a beer cockay. That's fair. That's fair.

And you got to realize, anytime I come up with a good, like, awful pun, I'm so proud of myself. Yeah. So I get a beer cockay. Do you know how long I rode the high of coming up with the heat of the moment, the stand? I'm still writing it. Yeah. That got you through that hospital stay. No, it didn't.

Go on. No, but so the first night, not much else. Oh, no. One other thing does happen. This is establishing, which is that one of the guys starts telling a bunch of stories while we're drinking. And I realized very quickly that this man is definitely mob connected because oh he tells uh he tells a story about uh how he was in some super like bougie like fucking place and because he's a rat he got he was getting kicked

out and then one of the like one of the guys working at I think it was like a restaurant or like a country club or some shit and the guy's like hey wait a minute what's your last name again he's like oh it's fucking Tony and he's like oh you Tony's kid he's like yeah I'm Tony's kid and the guy's like ah nah let him in that kid can

stay he's fucking Tony's kid and then later on in the same story he goes to Mar-a-lago and kicks a dude down a set of stairs and doesn't get kicked out oh so i think this man is mob connected or some other way connected a hundred percent so fast forward to day two which is the day where i was like all right i we're i don't't, today, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hang out downstairs, I'm gonna do some work, I'm gonna get some writing done, and I do that for, like, a few hours, I mean, I go up, I hang out with everybody, whatever,

and I go upstairs at, like, 7, 6, 7 p.m., and I see the Mob connected guy he comes up to me and he's got a knife and he like raises it to me and there's a little bit of white powder on the end of the knife and he's like hey bro damn and i went yeah fuck it why not so it would be rude to say no it would be rude to say no and also i had a knife in my face and i felt pressured a little bit so i uh i tried cocaine for the first time on the second night and i was really really curious about what cocaine felt like to do uh and the best way that i could describe it is that things that are supposed to be slow get fast and things that are supposed to be fast get slow so all that does to me because i'm like the most boring dude on the, I'm like the most boring white dude on the planet. I do cocaine.

What, what? I'm just, you could make one of those DMC five fucking anime AMVs. You could do it. All, I mean, all it did to me was it made me wind up in the hot tub,

emphatically telling all these dudes about, about lion fights. Lion fights? Yeah. Lion fights. I was, I was drunken on Coke. Okay. I was talking about lion fights. There were worse things that I could have been talking about.

And honestly, that's pretty much all that i remember from that night emphatically talking about lion fights in the hot tub and then night three happened and night three was really interesting because that was the night they went into town and i left that night early because i thought i was going to die because after dinner when they were heading to the bar everyone was already so fucked up and like being loud and like being a bachelor party and they were in town and some some fucking some guys in the town who are very much the good guys in this situation I would like to say these strangers they they are like they like make some comment about how loud and

annoying we're being and then mob guy like goes up to one of them and like grabs him by the collar and points in the dude's face and points in the dude's face and he says I'm gonna hold your fucking eyelids open so that you have to watch my boys beat up your friend

what and that was the point where i went i'm going back home because what the fuck dude so additional additional little tidbit for that night uh and i know i'm kind of blazing through this but there's a reason for that but additional little tidbit for that night is that um they all got back like two and a half three hours later and one of them was missing and when that was pointed out to them they went yeah we don't know where he is oh yeah no and none of them could get in contact with him on his phone

except at one point after they had called him like 40 times he manages to get his phone and call them he's just fucking going nice and everyone was like you just need to get back to the house it's a mortal combat fan get down and then i went to sleep and then i woke up the next morning and he was back

so he survived oh good yeah so he was back and he was fine he He was fine-ish. He didn't look great. But he looked cold from the night before. So... What the fuck, man? Because no one went and got him. And everyone was asking him, how the fuck did you get back? And he was like, I don't really know. I just know I was in a van

at one point. A what? Dude, that guy had a great night was he dude was he getting abducted what the fuck i don't know he got back he has a story not maybe i mean he doesn't know a bunch of fucking yeah maybe he fought off a bunch of a bunch of dudes trying to abduct him he wasn't fighting anyone off in the state he was oh he The hangover four has finished filming. Drunken fist. Never underestimate it. Drunken fist, dude. Hell yeah. Movie slaps.

Usually when you're drunk, usually when you're at the point of drunken fist, you can still speak, though, on some level. He's channeling that energy into his fist. So day three after that is when everyone leaves and that's when my dad shows up oh no you mean our because yes our dad me and ed's dad shows up yes because in the

same in the same place in the same town exactly after the bachelor party was ending my dad was having his cult his cult retreat oh my god dude yes and he asked me he asked me hey do you want to stay a few extra days for the first few days of the cult retreat and i was like yeah fuck it I'm not doing anything which means that I went from doing bumps of coke off a mafia connected dude's knife to proclaiming the love of Christ in 48 hours

I've never felt more like a fucking US senator in my life why'd you say yes because I wasn't fucking doing anything and it's also been a while since i had any stories for the podcast and i went this might be funny so i stayed downstairs for the first presentation of the night 90 of my decisions yeah that's so true man so i stayed downstairs for the uh the first night of the cult retreat for the presentation. And I immediately start taking notes because I'm like, this is fucking strange.

So the presentation starts. My dad says nothing. He turns on the TV and starts playing a different presentation. And the way it starts is first it plays a man of steel trailer and i'm like all right sure no figure whatever way so it plays through the entire man of steel trailer it's like yeah fucking whatever it's art whatever after the man of steel trailer ends it plays a braveheart trailer and i'm, this is a less good allegory. This is not as good.

But I guess it still works. And it's a dad movie. So I get it. Braveheart trailer. It plays through. It ends. Then it plays the trailer for Fury, the tank movie in World War II. Whoa.

This one I don't get. This one I'm pretty confused about. I've seen that movie again recently and I really don't get it. Yeah. The trailer plays through fucking Matt Damon, Shia LaBeouf, other people. Matt Damon's not in there.

Not Matt Damon, fucking Brad Pitt. You know what I meant. Whatever, it doesn't matter. Fury trailer, it fades out fade up second Braveheart trailer is this his whole presentation I thought it might be

when I started watching I thought my dad was just going to play a bunch of trailers and then start talking about God and somehow relate God to Fury and I was locked in at this fury and i want i i was locked in at this point and by the way i was drunk please tell me at some point he plays a cinema sins video because this would just steal it no after the second braveheart trailer it fades up and it's it's the actual presentation that he's playing and it's a white dude talking about how men aren't manly anymore and he's really really fussed about the masculinity thing it is all he seems to be

talking about at all and it's about how men have a masculine soul and if you want to get into heaven you need to you need to embrace your masculine soul and people aren't embracing their masculine soul anymore is he the guy that said leaning is gay leaning is gay maybe you don't know the one no i know yeah i know about the man who's leaning is gay yeah yeah and he's talking about and then he goes from talking about the masculine soul to talking about evolution and he he seems to be talking about how evolution is bullshit because he's talking about how god created man specifically with a masculine soul and he said he was man he didn't say he made a person he said he made man and then he talks about the creation of eve and the entire time

it doesn't sound like he's talking about scripture it sounds like he's talking about Dark Souls item descriptions. And then I got an idea based on some of the things that he was saying when I had that thought of this sounds like Dark Souls item descriptions. And it's a little game that I kind of want to play really quick, if that's okay. Sure. Oh, no way.

I want you guys to guess if what i'm saying i know exactly what this is is something i heard on the retreat or is it a quote from megatron oh i don't know what you're getting at wow megatron okay i watched a lot of transformers as a kid so i might be able to win yeah fair enough if you like which version of megatron we talking about? All versions of Megatron. Doesn't matter. Any version of Megatron. They're all the same. He's a big angry robot. This isn't like different versions of Ganondorf. Megatron is the same across the board. First quote, when he finally is so sick of his life, I am ready for a change. Cult retreat. Yeah, that's not Megatron. Yeah, that sounds cult retreat. Megatron.

It's cult retreat. Everyone has one point but Brendan. Second one. I'm aiming for lowest score. This ain't golf, bro. I'm gonna get a birdie. Power flows to the one who knows how. Desire alone is not enough that's megatron megatron

cult retreat i think i think that's a trick question but it definitely sounds like megatron it's megatron mandy and ed are in the lead mandy and ed are tied for the lead oh my god okay we can make them negotiate. That could be either or. Yeah, that's just ominous history. I think that's still Megatron. I think it's Cult Retreat.

Everyone guess? So it was Cult Retreat for Mandy and David and Megatron for Megatron for Brendan and Ed. You're all wrong. that was a trick question. That's a quote from Braveheart, which is a clip they played halfway through the presentation. Oh, fuck!

God! Oh, shit! Okay. You want your freedom? You'll have to fight for it. That's Braveheart again. That's Cult Retreat. It's Braveheart.

That's Cult Retreat. Okay, no. Megatron would never say that. That's Man Retreat. It's Ray Bart. That's Cult Retreat. Okay, no. Megatron would never say that. That's Man of Steel. That's Cult Retreat, yeah. Megatron does not care about freedom. Megatron, I watched every episode of Transformers. Megatron would never talk about freedom.

Well, what are you waiting for? Think of the glory. Seize the day. That's cult retreat. That's cult retreat. World War II. I'm gonna have to go with Megatron. Mandy's right.

It's Megatron. What? Megatron said seize the day? Yeah, that sounds like Megatron. Who is he? Robin Williams? Megatron says live laugh i consecrate the totality of my role in this fate girl you got that i don't want to pussy i don't want to believe there's no way no way a cult person would have used that fucking word. Wait, say the quote again. I consecrate. There's no way Megatron would.

I consecrate the totality of my role in this fate. Megatron. No way. I'm going to go with Cult Retreat. I think Mandy wins. Cult Retreat. Mandy wins. That was Cult Retreat.

Damn. Oh, man. I can't believe. Say it again. I consecrate the totality of my role in this fate. Those words are too big for a Saturday morning cartoon. That's what I was thinking. It could have been any version of Megatron, though.

It could have been the conicals. You just hit them once. Those words are too big for a Michael Bay movie, too. That's what I was thinking. How many Megatrons are there? Yeah. It could have been a comic book.

Maybe Platinum Game Megatron. Are you ignoring the cartoons? The millions of cartoons? No, because I said it wouldn't be a cartoon. He would never say that in a cartoon. He would. I said it wouldn't be a cartoon. He's like, well, what would it be?

It wouldn't. Dude, Megatron's a lexicon. That's the type of Decepticon he is. You're an idiot. I'm really sorry. I remembered the best part of my stories and now, because

Avery said something that triggered a part of my brain. Can I also fit this in before Patreon questions or whatever? Go for it. Yeah. Yeah, why not? So before I start, you guys remember I said that before I left, I had to do a stomach scan, right?

Yeah. Okay, well, let me give you some context. So that entire week, my abdomen pretty much hurt all all the time and I couldn't do any abdomen exercise. Well, like, you know, not like, I'm not saying like doing pushups and shit or pull-ups.

I just couldn't do anything that would, um, make my abdomen tense. Yeah. So shitting was a problem. And it got to a point where like on day three, my stomach hurts so fucking much. And I was like, oh God, it's my spleen.

It's rupturing again. And then my nurse told me, no, you just haven't shit in three days and you've been eating solids. And I went, oh yeah, that is bad. And like, I literally just couldn't shit because trying to push it out even by a little bit just hurt so much so at a point i ask a nurse and i say hey uh i'm sorry i can't shit i need something to help and then she gave me a laxative and she told me that like okay you just drink this and in about an hour you go to the toilet and you won't even and you'll barely have to like push at all it'll all just start coming out and let me tell you i didn't develop an addiction to morphine i developed an addiction to laxatives because that shit is nice you go to

the toilet and you don't even have to work for it it's amazing it's just i don't i don't know it's just the instant gratification of feeling empty without any of like the busy work. You cut out the middleman. It's amazing. And it doesn't even taste that bad. What the fuck are you eating normally? Regardless. Get out here.

Get out here eating gravel. Technically, I did. Eat more fiber, bro. But regardless. technically i did more fiber bro um but regardless so every other day i was drinking that laxative to make sure my um my shitting didn't hurt like at all and it was amazing dude also not shitting after three days straight up better than sex it's better period you guys need to try it you guys need to get to a point where you're laxxatives? No, not even laxatives. Just don't shit for three days.

Just get to a point where you've been eating solids constantly and you haven't shit in three days. Get to the point where your stomach just hurts all the time and then take a dump. It's amazing. Seriously. Anyway, I was taking those laxatives every two days to help me shit

and then Monday shows up and he goes alright time for your stomach scan time for your stomach scan and I told him hey I know I'm supposed to be like fasting for four hours prior to this but I still drank my like

day on day off laxative. Is that okay? And they went, oh yeah, no, don't worry about it. Oh no. Okay, cool. So they wheel me out to the stomach scan. And they have two guys transfer me.

Like they fucking, one of them grabs me by the legs. One of them grabs me by the back. And they put me into the scanning bed. And then they go, okay, you remember how this procedure goes. We're going to put you in. We're going to ask you to hold your breath every once in a while. And then during the last scan, we're going to pump this really warm liquid inside you that's going to go from your IV to your stomach. So we can clearly see the walls of your stomach.

Take one final scan and then kick you out. All right. Yeah, perfect. I know how this goes. So the guy goes behind the glass, a machine starts up, I get pushed in, and then this lady on the intercom goes, oh, breathe in, breathe out, whatever. And then the guy on the intercom goes, all right, we're gonna pump the liquid in now. I went, okay, cool. And that liquid is really really warm so you actually feel it go from your fucking wrist through your arm uh through your chest and then into your stomach the thing is i've had this test before and usually the warmth of the liquid just stays inside your stomach area the whole time

oh no this time oh no the warmth went to my stomach for half a second and then all of that warmth was stored

directly into my ass oh my god was stored directly into my ass. Oh my god. Oh no. And when you're on painkillers and you have and just your ass suddenly just feels

extremely warm, you shit yourself. Oh god, no. So I shit myself. And I start dying laughing inside the scanner. And the AI Unicom keeps going, please control your breathing. And I can't. Because I shit myself

and then one final time they go okay breathe in and hold your breath and i do and then they go breathe out and the machine stops and i gotta give props to the two guys that put me back into my hospital bed because they didn't make me feel bad. I assume this type of shit happens all the time because they didn't even get a reaction to seeing a shit stain on the fucking scanning pen. They were so nice, and I thank you for not making it weird,

but I... Thank you for not making it weird when I shat on your equipment. Yeah. Sorry. I had a poopsie whoopsie. Oh, no. But yeah. I shit myself.

I like to imagine... A part of me likes to imagine the fact that they knew I shit myself because they could literally see an x-ray of my body shitting itself on they got to see it live in detail oh no

that's so fucking disgusting dude but yeah Patreon questions? I guess. It's as good a transition as any. We have to hurry with these. I have things to do.

My girlfriend came in and she's like, it's still going. She's like, why do you look so pale? That man asks, if you wereaky friday'd with another podcast member who would it be and what lesson would you learn i was gonna say cameron i'd get to learn about how you know how those movements work from the inside i could tell the police what the fuck I can tell the police. What? What the fuck? Jesus Christ, man.

I was gonna say Cameron so I could learn to relax. I would get Freaky Friday'd with David and my lesson would be music sucks. What? What? What would my lesson be with you then oh wait is that it do we we have to well freaky no because in freaky friday they both learn something what lesson would you learn no it's just what lesson would you learn like mandy didn't say what lesson cameron would learn from being him what would he learn from being you? What would anybody learn?

See, I was going to pick Mandy to Freaky Friday, but then I realized that Mandy is the type to have his bones sealed so that nobody could enter. What? That's not how it works. Freaky Friday isn't like your fucking skeleton goes out of your body and like puts on the other person's body. Oh, then I pick

Ed so he can have a rest. Like a rest? What's your lesson? He wouldn't be able to extend his arms, though. He already can. He would just be the scare one. Yeah. So what's your lesson?

How to be a Lego man? Brendan doesn't need to learn that lesson. I'm so confused. No. Who do you think is learning the lesson in these situations? I didn't even hear Brendan's first one. He was going to learn to not extend his arm?

Was that what you said? No, he just wanted to give you a break. I just wanted to give you a break, and then you could know what it'd be like to be a couple inches taller, Manlet. What? What the hell? Oh, I want to learn what it's like to be tall.

You don't. It just hurts. It's just pain. Let's let's Brandon, let's exchange and you can learn what it's like to be a tiny baby. And then I could look. I don't know. I've been thinking about it this whole fucking time. My first answer was

my first this hurts. My first answer was to get fucking isekai into Cameron's body. so I learned to be less of a bully, but then I went, that sounds boring. You would learn what it's like to be bullied. I know what it's like to be bullied.

I'm going to Freaky Friday with Brendan and then walk in and quit his job for it. Oh, yes! Okay, yes. I would do that. I would do that. I'd pick Brendan. I would do that. I would go into Brendan, and then I would force myself to make a fucking voice acting reel.

This is just a more limited version of the question about where we could get swapped into anyone's body, and we all pick DSP. No, I genuinely would. If I get swapped, I mean, no, let's not do that. That's not a question. What? I was going to start answering that question

and then I went... We've already done that. I became DSP. You became... I don't remember what you became. You probably became DSP. Yeah. Stick Larry's asks,

what is something that each of you hate for no good reason? Among Us. Bob's Burgers. Bob's Burgers. Man, he hates Bob's Burgers. Really? Why? I don't... I'm actually... There's context behind this.

I usually like dry cartoons. I've never seen a full episode of it but it'll be on and whenever I see it it's just like people it's dumb people scream talking at each other like oh my god the burgers are still in

and then like and they'll come back and that makes me mad and they'll come back and there's like this, um, I think he's supposed to be like, I don't know if he's like

supposed to be real special. It seems like Teddy or something. He's like, dog, Bob, I, I,

my boat's on the ground. Help me. I'm like, what the fuck is this show? Whenever I see it, it's just people, it's just, everyone's dumb.

And I don't know why, but for some reason, it really fucking pisses me off. Everything about it. Like, I saw Sia in a boat and they had this girl wears a rabbit hat and they had her ears wiggling a little bit with like this digital effect. Like they thought that was really good animation.

That fucking made me mad. Like, look at our attention to detail when we wiggle this around and flash oh my god dude he's he's reacted to me about this like four times that is so fucking weird i remember you didn't even mention one of my favorites which is the time you asked your girlfriend why is that girl of bunny years and she says oh it's like an homage to bugs bunny and you just like felt all of the muscles in your body tense up for no reason well because she's like i want to kiss this boy in

class it's like oh it's a bugs money homage what how oh my god I don't I don't know why I've seen way worse shows I've seen way worse shows you seen hoops I don't know why hoops no I haven't hoops what is hoops it's the new dog netflix animated show and it's fucking it's just family guy and rick and morty like i don't even think bobs burger's just like oh horrible the premise of the show i hate it basketball coach that's like a fucking basketball coach yeah yeah i saw it well i saw the preview and it looked horrible yeah It is. Yeah, I mean, mine's just Among Us because I was just telling them, but it was the last thing that I was playing a lot before I was hit by a car.

And then while I was in the hospital, I was just like, what the fuck am I doing in my life? That game sucks. That game's so shit. I just came out of the hospital and I hate it. I know what mine is. Oh, what's it fucking called though? I'm blanking out so hard.

Let's try a bit. Electroswing. I fucking hate Elect's so hard but electro swing i fucking hate electro swing i remember that i fucking hate electro swing so fucking much you're a weeb and i don't know why is that even allowed if you're a weeb and a furry i don't know if it's allowed i just hate electro swing pisses me off man i don't know if it's allowed. I just hate... Electro Swing pisses me off, man. I don't know why, but when I hear Electro Swing, my blood starts fucking boiling. It's so fucking weird. I hear that one fucking Gold Digger song

and I'm like, holy shit. I want to break the speaker in half. The Caravan Palace one? The Kanye one? Yeah. Yeah, I fucking hate Caravan Palace. I don't know why. I think I hate it even more

when people are like, oh, you don't like it? It's like, yes. And it gets worse. I fucking hate it. It's so fucking average. Same thing with Synthwave. Synthwave and Electroswing

pisses me off so fucking much. Synthwave, I haven't heard of this one. Why does synthwave piss you off? Like, you don't like Carpenter's Root? I don't know. No, I... Nah, he's ranted to me about Carpenter's Root. I don't like...

No, I actually don't like Carpenter's Root. Really? That's shocking. I don't know why. I liked, like... No, you know why. I liked it at one point.

You were telling me you just fucking hate him because this, this, and this. You went on for a while. How do you feel about Nightcore? He has one song. I don't agree with that at all. And people have been writing that shit. I fucking hate... Every song is the same.

It's really not. I don't like them. They're really not the same. The songs sound very distinct. Like Electroswing I get. Electroswing sounds like one song over and over again. I don't like them. They're really not the same. The songs sound very distinct. Like Electroswing I get. Electroswing sounds like one song over and over again. Like I can get that. Synthwave also sounds like one song over and over again.

That's where I'm going. Yes it does. Carpenter Brute's two biggest songs literally sound like they were made by two different people. Yeah, what are you fucking talking about? Turbo Killer and Roller Mobster sound pretty fucking... Oh, suddenly David is softening his intonation once he actually thought about the fucking music the second david thought about it he went oh wait a minute i'm gonna sound like a retard if i say this if i say turbo killer and roller mobsters sound the fucking same it's like saying fucking

oh what's his name no no i'm blanking i saw them live and it was fucking awful i think that's why i got angry at them it's been so fucking long since i fucking listened to carpenter brute i remember seeing them live because i loved roller mobster and the show was cheap and i had one of the worst experiences at a concert I've ever had and it pissed me off so fucking much that I just started hating Carpenter Brute because they are awful live. So you really do have no good reason. So fucking bad.

They could have been No, they're awful fucking live. Live once. You're the only person I've ever heard that complaint from. I hated that show. That's fine. I'm not telling you you can't. After the fucking show, we were stuck inside.

We waited two hours to get our fucking coats to get out. And it was just the worst experience ever. And we waited outside in the fucking snow. And it was just shit so i was already pissed because i paid money to see a bad show and then it got even worse why do i hate carpenter i guess i guess that's the reason i guess there's no fucking good reason i just there's no good reason that's literally the question there's no reason i just hate it and that's it oh my god that's the question uh fuck mine's naruto i think i've literally no that's

understandable no reason whatsoever to hate naruto but i do well you hate naruto by association because i tell you about the dumb shit no that, that's not even, I already hated Naruto. Oh, okay. I hated Naruto for no good reason. I had seen one full episode of Naruto and it's the one where he drinks the bad milk. And then in high school, constantly. That's like the second one. Stupid fucking idiot friend, Jacob.

Oh, right. I'm going to call him Jacob because that's his fucking name, Jacob. He fucking kept on showing me these fucking goddamn naruto fights and he was like yeah no you gotta watch it bro you gotta watch it and then i went over to his house one time and instead of watching naruto we watched some other stupid shitty fucking anime where a dude's talking about how fucking sick pink muscle is now there's white muscle and red muscle but this one guy he's super jacked but he's not super big because his entire body is pink muscle and i'm like what the fuck is this and he's like it's anime and i went what does that

mean and so i just developed a fucking such a strong hatred of naruto because of this other fucking this other fucking show that just talked about pink muscle for five minutes of my life that i will never get back and for some reason I associate that with Naruto and every time I think about Naruto I think about Sasuke and his fucking pink muscle and his stupid fucking hair and Naruto's chasing him through the woods going Sasuke that's it that's the fucking pink muscle shit is Kenichi the mighty disciple I haven't heard about that show in forever i thought it was bleach for a long time because i didn't know what bleach was i just knew

that jacob was a big fan of bleach too so i when i knew he was a big fan of bleach and i went that wasn't naruto that was probably bleach there's only three of those right yeah there's one piece naruto and bleach and everything else is one of those. What? Dragon Ball. Dragon Ball as well. Shut up. Dragon Ball is actually Bleach.

Don't fucking disrespect Dragon Ball around me. Shut up, Ed. You hate Dragon Ball. Shut up. Yeah. This joke doesn't work anymore. You do it every single fucking time. Hey, man, leave him alone.

See, I hate Beautiful Joe. Why do you hate beautiful i just fucking really his smug fucking face you hate beautiful joe i fucking hate that game and i hate his stupid what the fucking i guess anyone here loved beautiful joe it would be actually be david but then it would be you after that no i have another one that's not just among us because among us actually has a reason and she's not gonna go baby brandon's saying beautiful joe maybe remember i fucking hate who what did you just call me brendan you called you you called him brandon i heard brandon do i have to fucking kill you yes oh my god finish the job i'm sorry it's fine i it was for comedic purposes i don't care that was just a slip of the tongue um i i'm sorry i just when i get really upset i say things wrong but

brand daniel please please said beautiful joe which you remember this other fucking game with a red guy that That's not funny. It's not fucking funny. And every time I see a trailer, I go, this sucks. And I don't want to know what this game is. Wait, what red guy? It's a red guy. And it's like a wrestler.

His head's a circle. Mario. Mario. And he talks like this. Musha Lucha. Oh, I talk like this. Fucking. Red guy, wrestler, heads a circle.

What are you fucking talking about? You invented that. There's no way that's real. It's this retard. Fucking Strong Bad. Oh, Homestar Runner? Strong Bad? You're making trailers for Strong Bad?

That's not a video game. That's not a game. That's not a game. Whatever this is. That's a web series. I don't fucking care i don't care what it is i don't care it's fucking stupid get it out of my face i think this is the weirdest one strong bad hasn't been relevant over a fucking decade why do you hate him because every time I saw him it was in bits or whatever

and he wasn't funny every time and I hate his voice oh Ed you don't have to hate me like that come on bro and I always thought it was from a fucking game and I hate him it's from a web series

it's from Poker Night in the Inventory Ed you don't have to hate me like that it's from a web series poker night in the inventory i guess and you don't have to hate me like home star runner home star runner who could forget albino black sheep who could forget a butt coconut hat i can't believe i'm hearing about strong bad i I'm hearing it and I'm hearing someone actually fucking hates him. This is such a weird time to talk about Strong Bad. To be fair, this is a cinematic parallel.

I fucking hate character from Static Shock. I go to bed mad about him. I go to bed mad about Gear from Static Shock. Fuck you. Gear is awesome. I know. I'm just saying. It's like hearing that. Oh is awesome. I know. I'm just saying.

It's like hearing that. Oh, yeah. True. It's like, God, I fucking hate this character from Static Shock. I hate him so much. Sometimes I go to bed mad about Jeff the cameraman from Uncharted 2. Oh, yeah. You do.

No, Ed has yelled at me about Jeff the cameraman. I think it happened weekly when we were living together. You brought it up an uncanny amount. Because it kept pissing me off. Because just don't bother naming him. If you're going to call him Jeff the cameraman. It'll give me an entire mission. Where I have to carry his limp fucking body.

For 30 minutes. And then it gets to the end. And then there's a cutscene where Lazarovic goes I'm gonna shoot you in the head now and then he dies what was the point Ed holy shit

I thought of a great joke and it's like related to like 30 minutes ago so bear with me do you remember how like you hate Among Us because you were sitting in your hospital bed like and you were thinking god what has my life come to that I'm sitting here playing Among Us? Do you think that's imposter syndrome? Hey, thank you so much for listening. As always, this episode wouldn't be possible without the help from our patrons, such as... of Ice, Ducky Madness, Fang Jade, Generic Phoenix, IK Benjam, Jeff Smith, Manuel Martinez,

Marco Sotelo, Miyako, Notoriety, Pyro Pat, Seawolf812, Skye, Spooky Ghost, Teague, Varmam, The Foreskin Wizard, The Ultimate Lifeform, Shadow the Hedgehog, Creation of Gerald Robotnik and Black Doom and Protector of This Damn Planet, Travis Vapes, Unarmed Toaster, Vandrick, William Oliver and Winchester Curse. Thank you all so much for the support and for staying with us for another season and hopefully you'll be back for season 5!