Please Stop Talking - Breaking Dad | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: September 27, 2019

I WANT A STEELIIIIIIX! PICS MENTIONED: http://bit.ly/PSTEP40 Support the podcast and David on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/SirMeowMusic Humble Bundle Monthly: http://humble.pleasestopshopping.com/ Humble Bundle: https://www.humblebundle.com/?partner... Join the PST Discord server!: https://discord.gg/YNqTT65 Links: Avery - https://twitter.com/ShammyTV David - https://twitter.com/SirMeowMusic David's Spotify - https://spoti.fi/2gAtGSJ Brendan - https://twitter.com/BrendanielH Mandy - https://twitter.com/Lord_Mandalore Podcast - https://twitter.com/PSTPodcast Podcast also available on Spotify and iTunes! iTunes: https://goo.gl/X1C3nG Spotify: https://goo.gl/fdVg9V Art by Madbuns: Twitter - https://twitter.com/mad_buns DA - https://madbuns.deviantart.com #PleaseStopTalking #PSTPodcast #ComedyPodcast #StorytimePodcast #PokémonStories Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Just shred our teeth through them. I think Welcome to the podcast what the fuck you're gonna do that okay welcome i certainly think so welcome to the podcast everyone the last three times i have like i've been in recording sessions for the podcast it has always been a nightmare yeah it's always a nightmare to start three times so we put out the Chinese rocket just keeps blowing up in the pad no like no hang on really quick I

want to say David put out the fucking blooper episode the other day and everyone was like why do you even cut this stuff this stuff's funny it's because it's in the run up to trying to actually start the podcast there's like 30 minutes of us false starting in every episode that doesn't get published i don't think i've ever taken out anything inside the actual podcast except the racist stuff

just the ed episodes yeah yeah just the episodes that's not true you're right it's mostly cameron yeah fucking cameron's a fucking freak it's insane he has so many thoughts on the maori people yeah i never heard the term until ed that's getting beeped hey brendan what about your meat stories? Really seamless, David. It was a really good transition, David. Thank you so much.

So I haven't been on the podcast in a little while. Hello, boys. Welcome back. Hello, Brendan. I have a bunch of stories, but I wanted to talk. I'm sorry, you're doing the Brendan thing. Where he goes into youtuber voice mode he goes in youtuber yeah no he's talked about we've we've mentioned this briefly on

the podcast before yeah and it was in the blooper episode it's easier for me to present when i go into the presenter mode that's how my brain works i don't i let you go with it david's the one judging david's like brendan could you be more natural? And I'm like, okay, David. Brendan doesn't have a natural state. I don't. I am all everything. I am everything and nothing. You've met him in person, David.

How can you think this man is a default state? I am fluid. I'm fluidity for the Nintendo Wii, David. How fucking dare you? What the fuck? Brendan's a liquid. I am a liquid. I'm the liquid human being. How fucking dare you? What the fuck? Brendan's a liquid. That's right. I am a liquid. I'm the liquid human being.

How dare you take my fucking fluidity and use it on me? Brendan's the kid from Sky High who melts. Yes, yes, and I get into the vents and I make things really sticky. I am the one who melts. Is it because of the burgers? See, personally, I think that I just embody Melt Man from the one nick television show

you know the one where it's like melt man with the power to melt i think they have kablam yeah it's kablam it's from kablam thank you mandy thank you for recognizing kablam as soon as you mentioned melting action figures i just thought of kablam dude kablam was sick i want to talk about kablam at some point. Like just a full on like just a weird episode of the podcast. I mean, what are we doing right now? Prometheus and Bob were culturally important to me as a child. Personally, the culture of one. I feel like this is a I will say I will talk about Prometheus and Bob.

It was really cool. All right. say i will talk about prometheus and bob it was really cool all right so i have a couple stories but i i lament on the fact that i want to talk about something that happened to me at work recently um that's a little bit shorter but honestly it leads into another meat story they're both stories about meat is it when someone threatened your life that's a completely different thing um someone did threaten my life recently as well, but it was like a weird joke. This 90-year-old man came up to the counter and he's like making jokes and he's like,

and if you're wrong, I'll come back in here and I'll kill you. Dead silence. You just straight up said, I'll come back in here. Well, if you kill me, I guess that means it's free. No, I straight up was like, well, I guess I better haunt you. Ha ha ha.

But on the inside i'm like this old man could hold a gun he probably owns several i don't know if he can hold a gun maybe he has weak well i mean it'll be shaky but he'll he'll get there i don't know if he can hold a gun maybe he has fingers oh yeah sorry some old people they lose their fingers as they age no thank you david maybe he has fingers. Maybe he has weak fingies. He can't use the gun, David. He can't hold anything. Brendan, don't you have a story?

So I have a meat-based story. That leads, like I said, it leads into a different meat-based story that is not related except for the fact that it involves meat. I hate how frequently your stories involve meat. Alright, well, I thought, you know what? Sealing burgers, it's a callback. And this is something that happened to me like last week.

So I do this. Oh, it's worse than that. So I work at the customer service desk at the store. Yeah, I work at Walmart at the customer service desk. I work at the retail store I work at. I work at the customer service desk. I do returns and I process returns. For those of you who do not know, retail is a nightmare.

So I have this guy. He came up to me and he has a microwave and he sets it down. And I'm working on this microwave and I'm looking at it. I'm like, okay, well, what do you want to do? Well, I want to exchange it for a working one. Okay, yeah, the heating element went out. That's fine and dandy. All right.

I'm looking over this microwave. It's in pristine condition. No dust, no issues. It looks like it will perfectly turn on and work i'm like all right cool so i do the exchange he heads out with his brand new lg fancy smart microwave and i'm sitting there and we have to do these these checks on on items certain items that come into the store we have to check them and make sure that they're non-functional or functional so i i grab a one of the people that does the the checks on these items because i i technically am not supposed to do that since i'm just a sweet customer service baby boy and i grab

them and they come over and and they open it and in my in my stupidity in my it just massive ignorance in my big dumb stupid brain head uh i did not open the microwave during the return at all. He opens it up and there is, sitting on top of the circular plate, there is a ceramic plate piled high with barbecue. And I mean, to the top of the microwave, this microwave is almost stuffed full of meat. And I just almost scream. I'm like, how do you leave all this meat in a return? Wouldn't you feel it be heavier? Who microwaves barbecue?

Just a ceramic plate full of barbecue. Who leaves it in their fucking microwave for a return? Brings it all the way back to the store and says, Yeah, I gotta return this. The meat wouldn't cook. I was like, okay, all right, cool. Didn't know you'd leave the fucking meat inside, dog. He wanted to show you.

Look at all this barbecue. Look at all this barbecue look at look at all this my meat is don't mind me just gonna nuke some brisket that dude's a sociopath that old man might have threatened your life but this return guy he's way more dangerous just you don't know what he's capable psycho the meat bandit the meat yeah cousin to the hamburglar oh oh it's a family tree second nephew of the poop bandit jesus there's so much lore call back to brent daniel reads their family tree is shaped like a dream catcher steak dream catcher so and i and during this whole like thing i i was thinking about a story that my grandmother told me that leads me into my second story about meat.

Back in the day, my grandmother and my grandfather worked at a meat processing plant in the town of, it doesn't matter, Denison, Iowa. They worked at a meat packing plant. And I remember vividly this story. My grand-grand sat me down. My nana sat me down and she said, you know it's pretty messed up uh the other day we had a we had a pigeon flying and i'm like oh we had a pigeon flying like a bird flying i'm like oh that's weird yeah so we had this guy he came in with a bb gun and he shot it down and it fell into one of the meat vets they just kept going what what they the bird with a bb died fell into a vat of meat at the processing plant my

grandma worked at and they just kept going god it's like the jungle they just process the meat it's like what someone got feathers in their hot dog someone out there i think most hot dogs have feathers in them. Most hot dogs. Hot dogs are 95% feathers. That's why they're light for you. That's why they call it a light snack. They have low caloric value. Nice little tube of plumes. I'm like bursting at the seams with stories.

They're all so small. It's like a shotgun blast of stories. It feels so good. Your story skeet shooting. You know what? That's my special ability. One of the pellets will hit. One of the pellets. One of them will hit and someone will be like,

Brendan, that was pretty funny. I'm proud of you. One clap. Brendan, I snored. Brendan, I feel like your entire existence is for the one clap. know what i live for the clap well nope all right okay my little brother got chlamydia my little brother got chlamydia and i played the wiggles song the clap for an entire week he would wake up and i just start playing the clap on my i'm like outside his door you're a monster me and my little brother

my little brother is such a dick but i love him he's he's such a he works it he works at burger king my uncle works at burger king it's a family business now it's it's so fucking weird that my little brother works under my uncle so he just smokes pot at work and my uncle's just like well i can't fire you you live with me do you think next time i go to iowa i could get like some free mac andetos. I could probably wrangle it. They bring Whoppers home all the time, like a bag full of Whoppers, both of them. Do they apologize?

No. In this household, we eat mac and cheetos and only mac and cheetos. I don't think they have those on the menu anymore, David. I don't want you to say that to me right now. I want to believe. I want to burn

your dreams down the lowest rung of fast food yeah but nowhere else except in europe apparently it's weird that burger king's menu the one thing i will give burger king is their their amount of experimentation because they don't know what the fuck to do they don't know how to make human food well they have tacos on their menu right now yeah they make human food. Well, they have tacos on their menu right now. Yeah, they make bat food. It's weird. They have tacos. They have the Impossible Burger on their menu, which is very okay. It's a vegan burger, yeah.

Oh, is it the one that bleeds? No. What? Did you listen to the thing I said a second ago? I didn't hear you. Brendan was talking over it. It's a vegan burger. It's fake meat.

There is a vegan burger that bleeds. It's made of all beets. It's called the Beyond Burger and they have it at A&W in Canada. The Beyond Burgers. It's a burger that just bleeds and apparently it tastes exactly like meat. They have turnips in it, I think, to make

the blood effect. Wait, isn't it beet? No, you're right. It's beets. No, it's beets. I don't know. Because turnips are white. You're right. The Impossible Burger is weird because it feels like it's encased. You know how a sausage has its casing? Yeah.

It's like a hamburger with a slight casing, so it's very odd to eat. That sounds fucking disgusting you know what vegan sausage is actually not bad because the flavor of sausage is entirely the seasoning yeah that does sound nice but it's not the same when it's just a fucking beef patty that has like jello skin around it you want to get the hamburger skin speaking of like peeling the flesh away burger king there King, there's a guy who comes to my workplace and he just follows people around and he works at Burger King.

And he's been gone for like a month. And I asked my uncle, because he works there now. And I was like, hey, where does this guy, where does this guy work? Like, where is this guy at? He got hit by a car, apparently, just like walking in the street, like nonchalantly. It was like, it blew my mind that someone can get hit by a car in this day and age just just kind of like yeah there's a car there okay cool let me just go my mom got hit by a car oh these are fucking strange stories fellas i i'm like we're just talking about burger king right now we're just talking about what's your

guys's weirdest Burger King experience? Because mine is like walking and smelling blood. Not many, because I learned from my mistakes. Walking and smelling blood? What were they fucking slaughtering in the back? Not knowing where it came from, but just the smell of iron. Like, hmm, what's that? Okay, cool.

I don't know. I never went to Burger King, really. I mean, I remember one, but... Yeah, because there's only one Burger King. really. I mean, I remember one. Yeah, because there's only one Burger King. No, hang on. Mandy can't say, I remember one, but, and get away with it. We cannot let that happen. Mandy, tell your Burger King story. I was not

finished. Okay. Did you have a story? Okay. I didn't have a story. Okay, what the fuck? I just wanted to say that we only have one Burger King because Burger King went out do they call it the Burger Emperor? no

because it's the only one it was called Roi Bourgeois okay so I do have a story because I remember it a little more vividly now that I'm thinking about it it's not really a story because I remember it a little more vividly now that I'm thinking about it. It's not really a story, but back in either 19... When did Pokemon the first movie come out? Was it 99? Oh my god.

Wasn't it Pokemon 2000? No, no, no. Where's that another Pokemon? Burger King had a... It was for the first Pokemon movie. But Burger King had a tie-in with the movie. Where you could get like

instead of like the toy with your whatever meal was called they'd give you like a pokeball and it would have like a gold a gold plated Pokemon card in it I have a story related to your story continue yeah and so and so you know that shit was hot Pokemon was hot

and I remember because we rarely went out to fast food and I remember me and a friend we went to Burger King because his dad took us and it's not much of a story but I just remember we passed the table to go up to the counter I don't remember what Pokemon card I got but I remember this kid who might have been a little

bit younger than me and he was crying and yelling at his mom and trying incessantly yelling at his mom and trying incessantly to plug his Game Boy Link cable into a burger with his game playing to the side. Like, he was, and I remember he was

screaming, he was saying something like, What the fuck? Yeah, because I remember he was saying some shit like... I remember Pokemon. It was like he was trying to evolve it. You can only trade. I remember what he was saying. He's like, I want Steelix! He's trying to shove it into his burger.

It needs nutrients. It needs to feed. I need those IVs. Because as a kid too, I didn't think he was stupid. I was worried. I was like, what if mine won't work? This kid's onto something. Holy shit.

When I saw Felix, I was like, do you have to plug into the burger? What's going on? It felt like he knew more than I did. There was some way to plug into the burger and I didn't understand how. His older brother definitely told him he needed to do that. Yeah. Oh man. So I was fucking panicking.

I'm like, I don't know what I'm going to do when I get mine. I don't know how to tap through the burger. I was thinking like you had to do something to the burger to get your fucking Pokemon and the toys in the bag. I'm like, Oh, that guy was just dumb. That's fucking insane.

Yeah, that's like my only Burger King story. It's just watching a child try to shove his cable into his burger to get his fucking Pokemon. Thinking about those gold, were they the ones with the gold cards? Yeah, they had the shitty little plastic Pokeball. And there was like a card. And they had the gold card inside, yeah. So my, I want to say like maybe about five years ago so when i was 21 um i had i had a fight with what just the fact that this is related to the last story and you were 21 that's all i'm laughing okay all right all right so this is this is a brendan's dad story all right so pace yourself

here so when i turned 21 my dad wanted to go to the fucking casino and he left my my little sister uh my little sister taryn and uh my little brother to watch her at my mom's house and he he came up to my town and he picked me up and we went to the casino and he's just handing me money like hundred dollar bills that i'm like i pocketed one and then i just kept putting them into the like penny slots i think i spent about nine hundred dollars worth of his money just wasting it because i was pissed off at him for being a shit dad and i was like fuck you i'm just gonna drain your fucking money i'm gonna put it into all the slots and waste it and they got incredibly mad at me and he turns to me because he's like you're just wasting my fucking money and he turns

to me and he says you're never getting those pokemon cards back i keep them in the vault i'm keeping them there and i'm never giving them to you and it was the full suite that i had as a kid of all the gold cards i had the full set of all the gold cards and i was so fucking angry so i just kept spending his money and he kept handing me money It was like 4 a.m. Or in this casino I'm in this casino with my dad who I fucking hate and I spent like $1,200 instead of just pocketing all of it because I was mad at him His dad's blood money, where's the Burger King I did want his dad's blood money Where's the Burger King? I didn't want his fucking How is that related to Mandy's story?

The Pokemon cards, the gold cards I just said, I had all the gold cards My dad kept them in his safe He would not give them back He thinks they're worth like a ton of money And he was like, I'm just gonna hold these over your head Forever As kind of like a weird guilt thing

To make him money at the casino. Did he expect me to go psychic and win 21? I don't know what he wanted from me. You're not even a psychic type, bro. I'm not. I'm like a steel type. You're like a nightmare type. You could do fairy type. Oh, maybe fairy type.

Yeah, they're all creepy. I do remember trading the Togatek card as kid, though, for a hamster. What? For a hamster? Hang on. A natural living being? So in the Pokemon first promotional tie-on, there was like a Togepi or a Togetic card, I think, for the gold cards.

I vividly remember this. It might have just been the Pikachu card, but I swear there was a Togepi card. And there was this... I think I mentioned my uncle johnny on the podcast or not my uncle my cousin johnny on the podcast before um i think i talked about like how we killed a mongoose at one point yes yeah so we talked about how me and my cousin johnny killed a mongoose call of duty throwing random knife style and so i went over to his house and this is like you know 19 2001 i think and i had this card 2001 2002 and i went

over to his house and his sister had this hamster that was super sick and she would not take care of it and i was like crying sad at this hamster and she looked at me and she says you must give me your most prized possession and like probably not this dramatic but in my head this is how i remember it is you must give me your most prized possession to get this hamster, because she knew I wanted it. So I just pulled out my Pokeball out of my backpack, swung it open, and I said, I will give you this gold card if you give me the life of that dear, sweet hamster. And then I took it to my grandparents' house, and he died a year later. Yeah. You buy a hamster to teach your kid about death.

I can't remember. Did I tell the hamster smashing story in this podcast? No. I feel like I did. A hamster smashing? No. Never mind. No, no, no, no.

I want to hear it. Mandy, go ahead. You cannot start something. Are you sure I didn't tell a story? I'm sure you did not say that. I would remember the hamster smashing story. I'm fucking shocked I didn't. Okay.

When Avery said that you buy a hamster to teach your kids about death, that was unironically what one of my friend's dads did. What? He went through about seven hamsters and gerbils in the space of about three years. What happened was... Dude, that kid knew the fuck about death. No. For some reason, his dad never wanted to take it to a vet or get medicine or anything.

So the first one, he'd be like you know dad like nibbles hurt his leg and so his dad sighs he was like let's go to the garage son did he have like a beer crush one of those beer can crushing things oh no no no he just like he had like this huge work table he had like equipment in there he had like a big hammer he had like i don't i don't want i don't want to fix not sure the surface is but i just gotta call it an anvil he had an anvil in there what the fuck he had some kind of like he works like a mechanic so he puts the um he puts the critter on top of the anvil and he just smashes it with a sledgehammer the thing is the fuck this became

such a pattern with him that kid's a psychopath now no what happened to the second and third one fuck he started like hiding them when they were six you know would go to that's so fuck because i can start would come in and he'd be like, okay, like, where's Mr. Nibbles number four? He'll get better, dad. His dad just is like, size. Give him to me.

No way. Mandy, you know how you always tell me that you grew up in JRPG Starter Village? Yeah. That dude was the boss you had to beat to get to the actual game yeah like when he told me about it he's like it was never like a variation like he would never he would never like crack its neck or like stop it he would always put it on the same table and destroy it with a sledgehammer that is fucking that's horrific He said that he gave up on the seventh one because

he said, and I quote, he put on the sledge... He put on the anvil, and this time when he hit it with a sledgehammer, it became a fine mist, and I realized that he could take any life he wanted. I'm in fucking shock. Yeah, it's so odd.

It's like, not only was he killing them it is not odd it is fucking terrifying he wasn't just killing them it was that he did it in the exact same way every time it's not that he did it the same way every time Mandy it's the method specifically yeah it's fucking weird

and he made his child watch oh no he didn't have to watch I think he hid for 4, five, and five. I don't know about six. But six and seven he had to learn. I think by the time, by six, it was like, he's, like, playing GameCube or whatever, and his dad comes in, just, like, takes a hamster out of its cage,

goes down to the garage, you just hear a... And that's it. He didn't even, like, look up from smash or whatever just like whatever why does dad keep buying hamsters I mean they're not an expensive pet I don't think that dad wanted to smash hamsters with a mallet that's my takeaway from this

that dad wanted to kill things his JRPG name would be bloody Gallagher it's the fact that on number 7 he's like I guess I'll watch out for curiosity and it becomes a mist and he's like, I guess I'll watch out for curiosity and it becomes a mist. And he's like, you know what? No more of these.

Whatever room the hamster was held in, that dad would sneak in in the dead of night, grab his little leg and like a toothpick. I mean, I was fucking surprised by it too. He's like,

oh yeah, I used to have hamsters, but you know, my dad would completely obliterate them. Like, what are you talking about? What do you mean your dad would obliterate them? Oh, you know, you take them What do you mean your dad would obliterate them? Oh, you know.

Oh, you know, he'd take them in the garage and just destroy it with a hammer. You know, how you get rid of hamsters. That's somehow even worse than having one of those can-crushing, like, cranks in your garage and just shoving it in. He'd be like, oh yeah, like some drops

of blood would sometimes, like, spray on the walls and shit. And it's like, he didn't seem to give a shit. He was trying to cover his bases. He was totally murdering people in that garage. He wanted to diffuse the amount of blood on the walls. I wouldn't know because I never actually met him. I only met his mom. I never met his dad.

How much hamster blood is it going to take to diffuse a human body? Like six or seven? Yeah, that's good. But this was like over a period of like a few years that's how you cover a murder mandy yeah but it's like take to the same spot every time like once you want to spread it around it's like the cat guy from ancient magus bride that's not how you get rid of a body anyways like i know it's not how you get rid of a body shut up mandy it's how you get it's how you it's how you dilute the human blood particles in your garage

because you are worried that they're still around. I mean, the only thing you need to dilute is the teeth, which you could do with, like, fucking household soda. You just take teeth and identifying bones and you just let them dissolve in Coca-Cola over three days. Soda works so fucking fast, it's unreal. Take notes, audience. You want the vitamins in small pieces that police,

law enforcement, and dogs can't find. Little pieces that animals will eat that are scattered around a wide area. I think this is illegal. This is getting cut from the podcast. Yeah, I think this is very illegal. I don't think you're allowed to give people advice on how to get rid of bodies, Mandy. I don't know. That might be free speech.

At least in this country. Free speech? That might depend on state. I don't know that might be free speech at least in this country that might depend on state I don't think so is it like a finances can you tell people how to get rid of a body

10 ways to dispose of a dead body if you really needed to yeah so there's articles on it Mandy just say theoretically you are the auditory whatculture.com dispose of a dead body if you really needed to. Okay, I think we're fine. Yeah, so there's articles on it. Mandy, just say theoretically real quick. Mandy, you are the auditory whatculture.com What? Make it a listicle and then it's all fun and games.

Rebel Circus? The real secret is the proto-cultures and the yogurt. Let's move on. The only weird animal thing I can think of is like, back on the farm, my dad had a ton of guns and he had this, you know, an Uzi?

Yeah. My dad had an Uzi. Why? Because, alright, so one of the things that my dad got charged with when he was arrested. First off, my father was arrested for like threatening to pipe bomb someone what yeah so my dad the meth maker was was originally charged with threatening to pipe bomb someone and apparently according to my mom they had a fight back when i was a kid at some point and

he got his right to bear arms taken away because they had a fight like when I was a kid at some point, and he got his right to bear arms taken away. Because they had a fight. Like, this is something my mom tells me constantly is that, and I don't know if it's a thing, but that's just something my mom constantly told me as a kid now. And so he had a ton of, I guess, illegal guns, and they all got impounded. But back in the day on the farm, my dad had this Uzi, and he would take it outside, and we had a slew of farm cats. And he would just spray it at the farm cats and never hit a single one of them. What the fuck? He'd just go outside like methed up, like jittery, like 15 cups of coffee

or one whole cup of meth and he'd just brr, brr, brr, brr. Nope, nothing. My childhood might be a little fucked honestly. I'm really happy none of the cats got hit. Brendan, I promise not to make dad jokes on the podcast anymore you can't you're fine my dad can't do this to me my dad's absolutely

fucked i did i haven't mentioned the podcast my grandma got arrested uh recently for uh selling methamphetamine oh selling i thought it was possession no she got arrested so they did two controlled buys where an undercover officer went down and like they tricked my grandma on her new boyfriend twice and now they're trying to get married her and her boyfriend are trying to get married and they offered her a plea deal and she turned it down and she's going to try to represent herself so i guess i'm going to have a grandma in prison for the rest of her life you're going to have a grandma in prison for the rest of her life yeah it's so so fucking weird.

We all told her. The entire family talked to her and called her a dumbass and she's just like, I'm very intelligent. I need to take care of this. Didn't Dimitri tell you this story about his grandpa or uncle who was obliterating raccoons with a shotgun? He did tell me, yeah.

I had a vague memory pop up. I was like, did he tell him that story? I heard about the raccoon obliteration. I heard about you and Dimitri breaking your arm, sledding down a hill in the same day. I was just thinking, since we're on the topic of guns

and animal obliteration. Dimitri's not here, so it's not really a story for the podcast. No, it's not. It'll be the spinoff podcast of him, Ahmed, other David. What else is there? Just put it in there.

The dark PST. Yeah, the dark PST. Bleep that, David. Okay. If you're alive, doesn't everybody have like a sledding accident story? I don't have a sledding accident story. If you have snow, yeah when i'm sometime when i'm sober remind me to tell the pokemon card heist on the podcast because i just remembered that story it's from when i was like 10

pokemon cards i i think i tried to steal pokemon cards at once and i got to the walmart bathroom and i started crying and then i went out already yeah I know I'm like that's the only Pokemon card story I have actually hamster friend did that too except he stole he stole Yu-Gi-Oh cards and they put up like a Kirito camera footage like photo of him up on the door he's like oh I can't go to that food line anymore

Mandy in your area was Yu-Gi-Oh like like was it it was there no Pokemon was it just Yu-Gi-Oh the thing is I can't remember if it was Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh like was it it? Was there no Pokemon? Was it just Yu-Gi-Oh? The thing is I can't remember if it was Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh with him because Pokemon was like the starting thing Yeah and then you got into Yu-Gi-Oh when you grew up Yu-Gi-Oh became like the cooler

thing with like middle it's like all I mean Pokemon you lose your fucking soul when you play Yu-Gi-Oh Mandy's quartz mind reminds me of the time when i was a kid and i paid uh two kids to bodyguard me on the playground with yugioh cards did i mention we visited the quartz mine while i was there and mandy walked over picked up a piece of

quartz and handed it to me what do you have a picture uh no i can take a picture of it i have it please oh no yeah because we drove there i was like fuck it we're in. I was like, fuck it. We're in the area. We're like, whoa.

Whoa. It grew grass and they moved the fence down. They moved the fence to the quartz mines outside of the playground now. But it's like they were there here and I just looked down and went, look. And I just picked up a huge piece of quartz and just handed it to Avery. Like this would have fetched a fine price back in the day. This would have been a blise. You fine price back in the day this would have been really fucking disappointed oh god school in the middle of the woods

yeah granted everything's in the middle of the woods yeah that that one really is the middle of the woods though just like a ring of trees around it then school. Yeah. Kind of nice, though. I forget you don't have trees in Houston. I've sent you pictures. Yeah. It's just a desolate swamp. It's a swamp and or concrete nightmare, depending on where you

are. Nightmare. Yeah. Damn. I'm trying to think how I can even... Just go ahead. My story has nothing to do with animals. Tell me about meat, David.

I'll tell you about airport. Oh, okay. That's fine. Tangentially related to meat. Meat goes inside the airport, gets in airplanes and flies away. Tell me. You can just eat at the food court.

So when I was coming back from colorado i went through security in canada and i was very scared of getting arrested because i well arrested more like stopped and just like having a lot of trouble like just going back into canada because i have i bought these two mini synth synths and they look like bombs little bombs yeah and so i went through i got my bags i i went to do the paper stuff because when you get back you just have these like you have to go through customs and there's like these machines and you just press the buttons and everything that you need to declare how much money you spent and how much you're bringing back whatever i and then they give you the paper you go see a lady or a dude or whatever and you you i just go i walk towards the the counter and

then i and then she's she asking my name what do i do and nowadays i don't know what to say when i i have a question for you guys what do you guys say when you get asked what do i do and nowadays i don't know what to say when i i have a question for you guys what do you guys say when you get asked what do you do by fucking custom contract work contract work retail oh yeah i say i'm a writer i say i'm a content creator because i just don't want to say say you're david don't say that say you're a contract audio engineer well that's not all really true it doesn't matter engineer when I go through

customs when I go through customs tomorrow David you know what I'm going to tell him what are you going to Germany for I'm going to a party you're not saying that yes I am well I mean they'll think it's a pleasure pleasure what are you doing there going to a party i thought it was business though no it's not because it's not technically

business there's no expectation from me uh anyways i go through and then she she starts asking me questions and she just has she just starts getting very aggressive with her questions and like she looks like a bit I don't know she looks at me like I'm a fucking criminal because you said content creator yeah maybe that's what if you don't know what that means it's what the fuck does that mean

if you know what it means it's kind of like it's like oh you're a piece of shit you're a piece of shit professional next time I'll just say influencer let's see what that brings me influencer is the only thing worse to call yourself than content creator

I hate both of those titles so much David say you work in entertainment and then try and narrow them down the hallway of gay porn star and they'll stop asking questions oh that would be funny as shit. They would totally believe me.

I look gay. You look like such a twink. Yeah. So she gets really shady and she just, she just takes my paper. She gets shady or she treats you like you're shady. Well, well, well, she, she, I was more saying like shifty. Shifty is like, well, I don't know about this guy yeah it's shifty she gets shifty she's super suspicious about me and she just takes her fucking big old big old sharpie and she just does a big fat x on my check and says go through

customs and then i'm like oh no i go down i take my luggage and then I go back to see another like thing of like custom agents. I go to the custom agent. He looks at me and I see fear. I'm like immediately, oh no, shit's going to go fucking bad. He's like, you need to go get inspected. And I'm like, oh no, I go into a fucking secluded room. There's just a bunch of families with like food and you're not allowed to bring back food into the country in like different ways. And basically I get put with them,

but I get put like in a separate room. In the bomb room. Basically I go there, I bring my luggage in, I sit down and then the guy just starts asking me a fuck ton of question he's just like he's the first question like i not even not even name anything i i sit down i put my my passport down he looks at the passport just like starts reading it you ever shot a gun before i was like what the fuck dude i wish we went to a shooting range in colorado now fuck dude no i really don't wish that i was

dude i've never been more scared in my fucking life it was just this massive fucking dude like do you ever shot a gun before yeah basically he was just this big massive dude in front of me asking these questions and then he was like have you did you go to school there oh okay did you go to school there and then it was like he was just going through like a list of schools and i was like what the fuck is going on and as he as he keeps going he's like have you ever been charged for's like, have you ever been charged for possession of drugs? Have you ever been charged for this? Then just like everything possible. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. And then he looks at my tattoo. He says, when did you get this tattoo? And I'm like,

I don't know, like a few years back. And eventually right, right after the tattoo question, he's like, okay, I'll be right back. So he leaves and I'm just alone with myself and my luggage. I am fucking terrified to even look at my phone at that point. Because it's just like this room and it's all spooky. So I just sit there and i just wait and then i wait and wait and wait and wait it took like probably 30 fucking minutes until the guy comes back he makes me stand up and then he makes me like he starts inspecting my face and then he he says he he just starts asking me do you have a do you have a scar on your arm

i'm like no do you have a scar on your eye like under your eye and i i i'm like no you can you can see i don't have a scar under my eye and he's like okay you're good he gives back my stuff and then i get plastic surgery he made himself look like a twink he just says okay you're good and when he says nobody could possibly look that gay he's like look at his hair you can you can go but when he says that i'm i i nervously i don't know why i fucking said that but i nervously say like haha do i look like a criminal david you david if you're in america they could legally shoot you and then he's like oh well yeah there's actually a guy with the same name as you going around and he he looks exactly like you but he has a scar under your eyes what my clone is out there my clone is out there anti david is out there

and i know where he went to school what the fuck he looks just like me but he has a scar under his it's like jim and i man but gay how fucking crazy is it though holy shit he's out there dude that's you from the future you become a terrorist that's how this arc ends what why would i become a terrorist we'll push me we don't know yet discontent with the french language falling out of fashion in canada if anything it's for dav, what if Kingdom Hearts 4 is bad? What if Kingdom Hearts 4 is a Call of Duty tie-in? David, what if Kingdom Hearts 4 is just a VR experience?

God knows what I'll do to myself. No, not to yourself. Why is it so bad? To the people. To the world. I will make the world the Kingdom Hearts. Oh, I'm going to open the door to darkness. I'm going to become Xehanort.

I'm mad that I even helped us down this path. David North. David North. David North. And then I'm going to have another David inside of me, and his name is going to be Davidus. My Colorado return trip, everybody's talked about theirs. We just saw

a fuck ton of animals on our drive back. We drove. Were we the only people who drove? I guess the whole, all the way across state. We saw so many animals. Most people just came by plane. Most people flew yeah David and I

drove to the airport everyone else went to Denver there's um there was a moment I remember clearly on the drive and I think I messaged Avery right after and it was we were driving on this small like Nebraska back road and

in the middle of the road was an owl and this owl sat there and flew away into the night sky. And it was just sitting in the middle of the road and it just sticks in my brain, just incredibly hard stuck in my fucking brain. And I just immediately was like, Avery,

okay. I think that happened as I was dying in DFW. Yeah, I think I messaged you when you were dying, yeah. I saw an owl fly away and I was like, Avery, I have to make sure he's okay. It was a symbol. It was a sign. The owl was letting

me know of your state. Lost in the dark, alone, somber. At world's end. Hey, David, I have a world's end. At world's end. Hey, David, I have a question for you. A question about Patreon. Do you want to do the Patreon questions? A question about Patreon? Patron questions? I would like to do

the Patreon questions. Questions about Patreon. Brendan? Well, then absolutely. Let's do some patron questions, David, my patron saint. Thank you. I am a patron saint, blood. If you're part of the what tier is it now it's five sorry if you're part of the I haven't stopped drinking

I feel sober I'm halfway through this Miller and I drank the whole White Claw and I'm so sorry which is a French liqueur I got the Miller that my girlfriend handed to me I'm drinking it like a degenerate I'm just necking the bottle yeah patreon questions if you're part of the five dollars and above tiers you can ask a question

on the patreon q a bella b basson asks any games you're really excited about if so why fucking outer worlds outer worlds outer worlds i'm excited about. Is Outer Worlds the Fallout game? That's the Obsidian game. Yeah, it's the Obsidian game. It's the Fallout game. It's Space Fallout. It's not Fallout, you know? It might as, you know. It looks pretty similar to New Vegas,

which I'm down for more of that. And that game I sent you, Mandy, also, Jesus Christ, Disco Elysium looks so good. It looks fun. Disco Elysium? They said they're going to put, there's going to be like 90 fucking hours of content in their fucking game.

It's like a top-down isometric RPG, but it's like this weird detective RPG. And I saw it and I thought Mandy needs to know. Mandy must know. Mine would probably, oh, sorry. Go ahead. Okay, mine would probably be, I have two.

Is that cheating? No, it's fine. I have Animal Crossing. It's Game of Games, isn't it? Is it? Oh, yeah, Games. I'm really excited about Animal Crossing, and I'm really excited about the new Pokemon game

because I just got back into Pokemon games. I'm super excited for After Party. Fuck yes. I just saw the launch trailer. It looks so fucking good. After Party. I'm. I just saw the launch trailer. It looks so fucking good. I'm a huge night school booster. They are such good boys.

Oxenfree is so good. After Party looks like my shit. I'm usually not like super into the walk around and then press and then select one of four dialogue options and ooh maybe it'll change the story. But Oxenfree is so fucking good and after party i mean really really really to me oxen free to me oxen free just looks like a game that i mean it is that but it's wholly focused on

there's not really a gameplay loop but yeah there's a lot going on in the narrative itself yeah no there's a lot going on and the narrative itself. Oh, yeah, no, there's a lot going on. And also, that story only works in a game. That's super interesting. God, Oxenfree is so good. Yeah, I really need to get into that. I think that's one of my biggest things in a video that I've gone back on, is Oxenfree being number three in my Top 10 Games of 2016 list. That shit deserved to be higher.

You want to put it back. Oxenfree is so good. What was your number one? Oh wait no I think it was number four because number three was Owlboy. Number two was Dark Souls 3 and number wait no number two was Fury and then number one was wait

I don't remember. I don't Titanfall was number one. Yeah Titanfall 2 was number one. Whatever. Oxenfree was too low on that list. Oxenfree is one of my favorite games. Oxenfree is so good. Yeah. After Party I'm super excited about.

Mandy? Mandy? One branch told me it was good, but I can't really think of anything honestly that's fair it's very obviously call of duty modern warfare it's very mandy oh the most mandy game most mandy game i've ever seen asked if you had to pick tattoos for each other what would you get if i was david i would get a tattoo under his eye what would it be of a

scar i would make a regas youtube url across his fucking arm mandy i'd make sure you'd have damaged on your forehead. Oh, my God. I can picture that. But spelled wrong. Damn gade. Damn gade. Oh, my God. Brendan, I would make you get the Garfield markings on your face.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Dude, it's like Garfield ICP. Yes. Oh, my God. You're a lasagnolo. I'm lasagnolo-ing, fuck.

Unarmed Toaster asked, Everyone play Wedbed Behead with the other co-hosts as the target. Okay. David, you start. I'm gonna die so much uh marry brendan so that painhole can live on forever thank you who's the most fuckable between you two you made it so much worse what that's the game uh oh i made it so much worse. What? That's the game. Oh, I made it weird.

Yes! What if I say who I kill? I can't kill. It's against my blood. Oh my god. You have to kill and fuck one of us, David. You picked this question. What if I have a bullet?

What does that mean? Fuck one one of us kill one of us holy shit what if I just like had a knife and I would just flail it around and close my eyes until somebody dies and then I would fuck the other person David you have to pick I don't want to

fuck Mandy marry Avery kill David but only because I could bring David back to life. What? Oh. How? I'd find a way. Don't worry about it. Fuck Brendan.

Bro. Mandy, marry Mandy, kill David. Bro. No love for twinks anymore. You have to finish. I'm doing it because you're frustrating me right now by refusing to finish yours. I'm gonna kill you, bro.

Okay, fine. Frick. I say everyone fuck me. I married you. I fuck you. We all fuck you. Which one is the shortest again? David.

What the fuck? I still might kill A David. What the fuck? I still might kill Avery. What the fuck? I'm 605. I could reach jars for days. I'd probably marry Brendan. Oh, no. I'm like the Swiss Army man. Don't feel bad about killing me.

Everybody's doing it. Because I can do anything. That's not true. I mean, I'm dead on the inside, but crispy on the outside. You know what you can't do? Extend your arms all the way. Fuck you, Avery. I'm going to shit all over you.

You're going to fucking wake up in Gras-Lorado next year and you're just going to be covered in feces. It's not even going to be feces. It's going to be brown Legos. I'm going to get thousands of brown Legos and just cover your fucking body with them. Oh, it's Brendan even gonna be it's gonna be brown legos i'm gonna get thousands of brown legos and just cover your fucking your fucking body with them oh it's brendan shit no just trap him inside just make a lego coffin lego coffins for the coolest of kids would you kill mandy

i might have to kill avery why i have i'm going to really specific criteria for this what's your specific criteria lay it out for us if i fuck david he'd probably never bring it up again if i fuck avery i'm never gonna hear the end of it i would never bring it up again. What do you mean? No. I've seen what you like when you get drunk. Hey, remember that one time? Hey, hey, Mandy, if you fucked me, I wouldn't remember it if I was drunk.

This is going in a strange direction. David, please end it. Can I pick? Yeah, no, Brendan, if you have one, end it. Can I pick? Yeah, no, Brendan, if you have one, pick it. Yeah, did you guys do the, if you could go back to being an 18-year-old and continue life, what would you change about your life on?

Oh, God. Oh, no, go ahead. I would immediately. Wait, no, no, who said that? Oh, your boy, Will. Your boy, Will. Oh, okay. Thank you, your boy will. I would immediately

get a haircut. First thing, first thing, first. David, I'm going to send you a picture and it's going to be a picture of me being arrested by stormtroopers and my hair is down to my shoulders. Oh, that picture, yeah. That's a fucking golden picture. I would get a haircut immediately.

Fuck any other family drama because I don't give a shit. I need that shit to be who I am today am today right but i would get a haircut for sure because that would just improve my quality of life by 20 i would travel to iowa and punch brendan's dad you couldn't find him i didn't live with my dad when i was 18 he was in the meth hole i would go to the meth hole i'm method launch yourself into the meth void break bad so you could break dad holy shit that's the joke of the podcast oh my god breaking

fucking breaking dad breaking dad is the name of this episode that is totally the name of the episode holy here I'll neck the bottle again for you right there, Brendan. I'll drink some more of this Miller Highlight for you. I'll drink some water too, Brendan. I have nothing.

I will spit all of that out of my keyboard. Brendan, I like that you're drinking tap water because what I'm drinking is 45% alcohol. This is 24 ounces of water. I can't even remember what I was doing is 45% alcohol. This is 24 ounces of water. I can't even remember what I was doing when I was 18. How long ago was that? David, I have your answer for you. Are you the youngest one here? Six.

Yeah. David, get horns installed. Get horns installed? Get horns installed on your head. Then you won't get mistaken for the other David Tremblay. Exactly. The other David would not have horns. totally like you through customs anytime is it that in this world we have you and you're not the nega david spanking and that's the episode

what what go ahead david just a little joke for you editors out there. I hate you so much, Randy. Are we actually done? No one knows what's happening. I'm drunk. I hate you so much. You fucking destroyed it. No one knows what's happening. I'm drunk. I hate you so much. You fucking destroyed it. It's stuck out. It's stuck out like something at 100% opacity. It's stuck out like something you could see.

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