Please Stop Talking - Calculating Route | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: October 23, 2017

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Must be legal drinking age. Today's podcast is brought to you by Audible. Get a free audiobook download and 30-day free trial at www.audibletrial.com slash PST podcast. There are over 180,000 titles to choose from for your iPhone, Android, Kindle, or MP3 player. Cameron, go ahead and recommend a book. I recommend American Gods by Neil Gaiman. It's a book about what if gods were actually real? Oh, God.

Wow. You just got rid of all the atheism and shit. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Welcome to this... Fuck! Hello everybody and welcome to the Please Stop Talking Podcast. I am your host, Shammy, but you...

Avery, but you may know me better as Shammy. I'm joined today, as always always by my lovely co-host uh what order i do it david don't okay fucking it's halloween uh cameron hey no kyle wait welcome to a super spooky edition of the please stop talking podcast we're not doing anything spooky for the fucking halloween episode starts and ends with a fucking intro god damn so um a couple weeks ago our buddy are you not okay what a transition you're just launching straight into it what do you want me to say

so this week this week what we're gonna talk about oh excuse me i'm sorry you're right provide never context for anyone ever provide never I was gonna fucking do it. But you I was gonna do it. I was gonna say no by all means good I mean you did whatever it's not important. What do you want me speaking of? This week on the plea on the fucking podcast david is gonna tell stories about uh our friend charlie who visited but you you didn't you were a fucking weirdo about it you just went into the story david you could have said that but you didn't very clearly decided not to fucking provide any context whatsoever you just we were you were gonna launch right into it, so a couple weeks ago, our friend Charlie-

Like, it's not- it's not the same, but that's not important. Tell the fucking Charlie stories. This week we're talking about, uh, the time when Charlie came and hang out with David. David. Did David leave? Did he leave why did you leave why did you leave because shit happened anyways start your story welcome back. We took a week off. It's going to take two weeks off. Okay, okay, okay. Cameron, listen, they don't need your help. Okay, so a couple weeks ago, our buddy Charlie, which I was going to say, but everybody fucking stopped me from saying Charlie.

That wasn't the... Just go ahead. Because that's not the problem. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. Visited me in Montreal. We had a fucking blast. Oh, yeah. And now I'm going to.

Why are we laughing? There's already so much venom in all this. Because we cut him off immediately. I know. And yeah, he visited me in Montreal. And a lot happened. A lot happened. Basically, basically this is gonna be a David tells stories episode like episode

two or episode six but since David trying to tell a story yeah it already started but since this is in Vegas it means I can fucking disclose what the fuck happened so uh saving that what if you've been waiting to say

that yeah wait what never mind go ahead never go ahead okay anyways so uh before like the day before uh charlie got like What the fuck Kyle? What are you laughing at? Sorry. Sorry. Go ahead. The day before Charlie took the plane here I received a package from

fucking good boy Khalid. He sent me pants. Pants? fucking good boy khalif he sent me pants pants he sent me oh i know what these pants are yeah i know i am familiar with these kyle i sent you the picture of the pants when did you send me the okay they're um they're the american flag oh yeah yeah yeah just really fucking big baggy american flag pants and i was like yeah you know what would be funny if i wore those while i went to the airport to get charlie so i put on those big fucking baggy american pants i put on my nicest pussy game strong shirt your nicest of your selection.

Yeah, the classy selection. And I put on my fucking ramen hat. And I went there. I got him. And since I couldn't drive because I didn't pay for my license, my mom had to bring me there to go get Charlie. And all along, she was like, you're going to fucking regret this. You're going to regret this. You're going to get charlie and all along she was like you're gonna fucking regret this you're gonna regret this you're gonna get there you're not met you yeah no i don't know

you have the most regrettable personality of anyone i've ever met in my life oh my god jesus shit jesus christ that dude is telling our story dude come on you want to calm down until he's done providing content please yeah i just i went to fucking get him and uh the mo like i i fucking see him from far far away and i just like my mom's like you're not gonna get out you're not gonna get out you're not gonna you're not going getting out of this car and i'm like oh fucking watch me and i just went out. There's like a bunch of people.

There's a bunch of police. I fucking get out there. Can I be you? Fucking baggy, baggy American pants. I see Charlie from afar. He looks towards me and then he looks away. And then he got back on the plane. And then he looks back. He's like, no, plane and then he looks back he's like no it's

okay i'll go wherever this is going next it's fine and then he looks back at me and i just say charlie and he starts fucking laughing and he's like oh no i'm pretty sure it was like nervous laughter because he was like i've made a huge mistake and yeah yeah absolutely oh yeah i just he just gets in the car and he's like you know that look well don't you oh yeah oh my god after a week of seeing it i fucking know it well and uh in the car he's just like just a week he's just like how long have you been planning on wearing these and i was like dude i just received just received them last night. And yeah. Last day.

So anyways. Can we call it yesterday last day? I mean, you can. My friend David is trying to tell a story right now, though, Kyle. Fast forward to that night. We were really fucking wasted. We went to a fucking bar. It was me, me, Charles, my my friend ferds and my friend david oh and uh yeah he has the same name as me but uh that's not important you get their permission to

name drop them on this podcast they don't give a shit ferds doesn't ferds doesn't give a shit anyway uh we're really fucking wasted we're at a fast food place and it's like drunk food you know a drunk food place and uh it's the first time he's gonna get poutine in his life and we go there me and david or the order for our poutine canadian bar mitzvah we invite everyone in town me and me and david order first and we get our food first so we go sit down elsewhere in the restaurant and uh i like i sit down and uh so i need to i need to disclose this so basically it was david is a huge black guy. So like, I'm just sitting there with him.

I, and I'm looking from where I'm sitting. I see Charles and Charles and I, we had a thing where we would just not fucking stop dabbing. And yeah, that's you. We were just looking at each other and he was waiting for his shit. He was sitting next to a woman

and like he just I don't know why he started fucking staring at her intensely. Like really fucking intensely. And I was looking at him and eating my poutine and I just stopped eating. I just looked at him.

I was like what the fuck is he doing to that poor woman? Isn't that how you're supposed to flirt? You just stare at them until you have eye contact and then bing bang boom married your son? Bing bang boom married? Kyle, is that where you've been

all day? Just staring at women hoping they'll fucking propose to him? Yeah, I was shooting for a bing a bing bang boom for tonight, but uh, now I'm here. I mean, I'm 18. Oh my god, that's so sad. High time it's happened, you know? Our parents are getting antsy, they think it's never gonna happen.

I don't want my parents to think I'm gay, I got a bing bang boom, you feel me? Hell, I'm starting to wonder. Oh my fucking God. Kidding. After like solid one minute, he just fucking does the quickest and deepest dab known to man. It was insane. It was just like he just why why is that funny i haven't even seen anything he's like hearing you say quickest dab because

he's really far away and he he just keep he was staring at her fucking drops the dab he's a really fast dabber he just dab dabbed really quick. But the moment he dabbed, he like, the woman just fucking turns around. Kyle, you start laughing at the weirdest fucking parts of stories. It's just the way he says, but the moment he dabbed.

Kyle, he hadn't even got to the punchline yet and you're like fucking dying. You're the worst fucking person to tell a joke to because like you just won't be able to finish it so i woke up right that's a fucking knee slapper holy shit so charlie hit the fucking he hit the fucking dab and then addq the woman the woman like just like she jumps and look it looks at him and he just oh like he freaks out he he looks at his phone and he he starts like fucking i don't know just looking at memes or whatever and she she looks at him for an even longer like amount of. She just stares him down. Bing, bang, boom.

I don't think so. I think she was like... Are you about to assume intent? Okay. He was shooting for the bing, bang, boom. I'm sure she was expecting it. The story gets a bit crazy.

Listen, David, you need to wear wear american flag pants you don't know american culture though don't even step to me with that shit please what what the fuck are you on about it was in canada avery please she just stares at him and then she likes for like a minute i'm not even fucking joking it was so long i was fucking crying i was laughing so hard i was drunk maybe it wasn't that funny anyways she gets she gets up wait she gets up there there's another woman at the counter and she's like she just finished ordering she gets up and like the lady that was staring at him has a uh her like poutine in a bag and she's ready to go. She looks at the older woman at the counter.

She says, just so you know, these two guys over there are racist homophobes. What? What? What? Charlie and Ferds are just look at each other. And Charlie's just like,

Oh, I guess I am wait what i don't know i don't know and then she just leaves she just leaves and then the older woman just starts staring at ferns and charlie and like we don't know what happened but then dave is dabbing a hate crime wait wait wait dave david thinks he knows what happened it's because me and david were both sitting at man that's a lot of redundancy with the david anyways we were just sitting there no i just i love the sentence david thinks he knows what happened that's been my favorite part so far yeah he thinks that he because he's black so that's the homophobe part and since we were two guys backtrack explain the logic there no you meant the racist part not the not the homophobe part the homophobe part the homophobe part was

because we were both eating poutine alone at in the back of the fucking room oh okay so you said because he's black that's the homophobe part which wait oh yeah that's that's what we were that's where that's where you got some uh you got some preconceptions about black people you want to talk about please don't fucking do this to me no it's cool you have a black friend right like it's cool it's cool you have a black david yeah he's the same name as you so basically the same person right no no wait david david's the black one yes oh okay wait what it's charlie david and david how it's charlie there's furs there's furs oh sorry i forgot about the one David's the black one? Yes. Oh, okay. Wait, what? It's Charlie, David, and David. How?

It's Charlie, David, David, Ferds. There's Ferds. Oh, sorry. I forgot about the one with the weird name. Ferds is... Well, it's Fred. His name is Fred, but nobody calls him Fred, so it's Ferds. Got it. Yeah.

Okay. An improvement. Yeah, it is. So Charlie is a racist homophobe. Yeah. So why? The fucking crazy lady just fucking called him out. Because, it is. So Charlie's a racist homophobe. Yeah. So why? The fucking crazy lady just fucking called him out. Because he dabbed. Because he dabbed at a

gay couple with a black guy. I don't know. What does that even mean? What is it, David? I don't know. Does she think dabbing's like fucking pulling the finger or some shit? I don't fucking know. she might have thought he was sick hailing it's similar motion oh shit oh shit she might have that's fucking crazy anyways she's

she was a fucking crazy bitch like she was so fucking rude like what the fuck anyways is that the story yeah all. All of it? Wait, you told us that this would take up the whole entire podcast. Oh no, that's not the only one. Oh, okay. There's a bunch of stories, dude. For a second I was like, holy shit, we got bamboozled.

Oh no, my son, it's a bunch of stories. So, um, wait, not the next day. Two days after that me and charlie went to a uh esports bar and um i got almost blackout oh my god almost blackout almost blackout like because the okay here's the thing charlie can charlie goes to penn state and charlie is a he's in a 20 year old he's a frat he's a frat boy dude he's a frat dad he drinks beer like he drinks fucking water like and i cannot i can't catch up to him

and when i tried that was the night. I was fucking wasted. And we were on a couch. We were playing Smash Brothers. And we were pretty evenly matched. And I just kept telling him, dude, I'm wasted. Like, fuck, man. And two guys just come up to us. They're like, hey, can we join your game?

We were like, well, I didn't answer because I was fucked. Charlie was like, yeah. I was in a catatonic state at this point. Dude, I was so fucked. I like that you can't speak, but you got the muscle memory to play some Smash Bros. I mean, yeah, because it's a game for babies.

So anyways. Yeah, we've said some things today that, uh. Look, you can attack French people and that's it on this podcast. Oh, yeah. You're right. Sorry. And yeah, Charlie's like, yeah, yeah, sure. Join.

You can join. You can join. You can join. Just go get a controller and just hook it up. And I'm just there like, okay. And they come, they fucking plug their controller, getting the game ready. How much of this do you think is actually accurate? Because it doesn't sound like you're drugged more than anything.

Charlie told me everything that happened. Okay. Yeah, but that's charlie sober charlie is like a drunk person he wasn't sober exactly oh shit maybe i'm telling something that didn't even happen but i'm pretty sure it happened so we we start playing against them and i'm like i'm fucking destroying them and apparently i keep telling i i'm like, I'm fucking destroying them. And apparently, I keep telling, I'm like, guys, I'm so wasted every time I fucking kill them. And at one point, at one point, I tell,

I tell, like, I fucking destroy one of them, and I'm just like, dude, you must feel really bad because I'm wasted. Oh my god, David. You are definitely a Dota 2 player. I felt, dude, I feel bad now thinking back at it cause they were super nice.

But yeah. And, and like after one game, they're just like, it was fun guys. See ya. And like Charlie, Charlie looks at me and he's like,

I think it's time to go home. Give me your keys. Yeah. And yeah, I i got we got back home and i don't remember anything after that honestly so you did not almost get blackout drunk oh yeah you're right i was blackout drunk yeah there you go i helped you get there eventually and that's what matters why did you send this send what I just wanted you guys to see what I was seeing oh yeah okay anyways okay okay I'm gonna come oh yeah I just was staring at it I mean it's not sure this is... It's attractive. I'd suck a tit.

I'm cutting that out. Anyways, next story. Are you cutting all that out? Are you going to cut out the thing where you talked about how you would suck on punk duck's tit? No. Are you still going to cut it out if I bring it up like four more times? Will you hunt it?

I'm going to replace it with something else. I'll figure it out. Okay. So, yeah. And let's fast forward a couple of days. We went to the Montreal Old Port because it's like super historic. It's super nice. And it was like super sunny.

And we were walking around. I was just showing him around because it's a nice place. Yeah, showing him the sights. Yeah, yeah. And we go to... We cross a bridge to another island and there's just somebody on the ground and two young girls, like 20s, that are just looking straight at us

and they seem to want something from us and i'm just i'm like i'm like oh no did they do something to the person on the ground what is happening so charlie and i we get there we just we just see the two girls they don't even talk to us. They just look at the person on the ground. Looks like a hobo. It was a hobo. I'm just looking. Not only did he look like a hobo, but he was a hobo. Can you believe it?

Amazing. I look at him and I look at Char chart i don't even know if it was a him anyways i look at you what the fuck the person had like a bunch of scarves on and i wasn't sure and i was just looking at so you say scars are feminine i'm so confused as to where we are in this story now. Okay. We were next to the person on the ground and the two girls were like looking at the person on the hobo and like, they were looking back at us and they were like, the person on the hobo.

We're going to be here all day. The person on the hobo giving him the big, big move. Okay. Anyways. And like, on the hobo giving him the big bang move okay anyways sorry and like i just look at charlie because and he looks back at me and like i i could see in his eyes he was like oh no something bad is going to happen and like the girl opens up her fucking mouth. She says like, do you guys think he's okay? And we're like, oh no.

Did we stumble upon a dead fucking body? And like, we're like, were you sober at the time? Yeah, it was during the day. It was during the day. That doesn't change anything.

Also, really quick. For some reason, I don't know why when you said she opened her mouth i thought you're gonna say she opened her mouth and fucking horde of wasps flew out what the fuck are you are you okay i'm actually on painkillers because of the fucking sore i told you about earlier okay they're doing their job i guess me and charlie are just like are just like next to a fucking hobo that we that's probably fucking dead two girls are like poking at the hobo and like asking excuse me are you okay and we're i'm just like oh my god this is going to end so badly and like i i i'm like i

can't let these two girls fucking deal with the dead hobo so like i'm just like i go so you remove the body i i crouch next to the fucking next to the fucking hobo and i'm like i i i tell him in french like excuse francais or english do you speak english french hello are you okay do you need help do i need to call the police and i like doesn't move at all does it doesn't look like he's breathing or her it just looks like a fucking dead body and i i start freaking out a bit i'm like holy shit what the fuck are we gonna do and like and like the girl starts the yeah the cops the cops the girl starts like starts poking the hobo and eventually like it starts moving and i'm like oh my god fuck yes like i'm not gonna have to fucking deal with this

enjoy that soundbite internet that's not what that sounded like that that sound should not come from a hobo movie Yeah, but the hobo starts moving it just I'm like I just like whoa holy shit going through a digi evolution That's the dumbest joke. I fucking hate you, Avery. I hate you. How did you think of that?

Fucking Hoboman evolves into Hoboman. Hoboman evolves into Hobogaman. Why are we still on this fuck why are we still on this and like just the fucking screech and like I'm like oh fuck I'm gonna have to call

the cops anyways and like we just start I'm just like I tell him in French like do you need me to call the ambulance are you okay and then and I'm like I tell him in French, do you need me to call the ambulance? Are you okay? And then... And I'm like, oh my God.

But since you're a goblin, you speak fluent screeching. And you were just like, ah, he's cool. Ah, this person is in immense pain. No. I'll leave now. I've been a goblin for years, so I know this. I'm just like i'm just like okay fuck

uh she like and and then another hobo on a bike just fucking rolls by and he's like i don't i don't i don't know hang on a... No, no, no. Why does... When Charlie comes to fucking Montreal, why does it sound like a fucking D&D campaign? Honestly... That's fair. Because he's with me and my life as a D&D campaign gone wrong. That's true.

That's fair. And yeah, another hobo just fucking rolls by on a fucking bike just saying don't worry about him he's always fucking wasted and I'm just Tony he's always fucked

yeah and I'm just like okay and I tell them what the other hobo said and the girls are like yeah but he doesn't seem okay. And I'm like, fuck, I guess I'm going to have to stay here. And like, I just... How is Charlie not doing anything?

Charlie is definitely like the hero of the story. But like, I don't understand where he comes in. Well, Charlie doesn't speak French. So he isn't... Oh, this is all in French? Yeah, he's just fucking freaking out. Because he thinks there's a dead body on the ground. Even after he's screeched? Yeah.

It's like he screeches. I'm like, I don't speak French. It's a death screech. It's a death screech. A blood-curdling scream. And yeah, and eventually, like he says, I'm just like do you look look we can help you just do you need help and he eventually the fucking hobo says fuck off and i'm like okay and so everybody did yeah i don't see you in conclusion.

That was my random encounter with the maybe dead person. Definitely not dead. I'm going to definitely not clear that one up for you, David. Definitely not dead. I mean, maybe now, maybe now. Okay. We don't know. Yeah, that was grim.

That was grim. What's your other story david let's move on okay this is my this is my last story happened on the last day and this one had better be long then are we i mean a lot of that is pre-show when we're trying to set up and uh maybe i there's okay so in montreal uber is being a fucking bitch and that's not just in montreal that's everywhere it's it's pretty much every i know that in london there's some something about like yeah no i used to be an uber driver uber has always been a bitch company they're terrible yeah fuck you uber not even in my city absolute bitches but fucking uh you're gonna be okay cameron no oh my god taxis are so fucking expensive you guys don't know what you're fucking you've got i have a car well

anyways ubers don't exist anymore in montreal which isn't really true, but they're illegal right now. They're still operating, but they're 100% illegal. So if the police catches you, you're fucked. And I'm like, well, we're going to use the Quebec version, well, the Montreal version of uber which is called teo taxi and uh basically their shtick is that they're uber except they have like free wi-fi in the thing and every car is an electric car like tesla s's they're fucking beautiful cars oh yeah beautiful cars and also a stick to have

i know that's one hell of a stick yeah i mean it it's yeah they're usually pretty nice usually when i work at my company they use to taxis and i've never had a bad experience, but oh man, was that was horrible. Like we call an Uber cause it's, uh, I mean a Tio taxi and, uh, he gets there on time and everything. But I realized something weird, like with the Tio taxi app, there's always a description of the guy, like the driver and it's always like this he's been driving taxis for like 20 years and or he has his taxi license or whatever and uh this guy his bio was teaches karate i knew you were gonna say teaches karate

why what is that a stereotype teaches no the second you said teaches for some reason i immediately thought karate he teaches karate tell me karate i don't know yeah i don't know why but it's fucking it said teaches karate and i was like that's kind of weird usually they have something relevant but he it's just teaches karate and anyways he just is relevant sit the fuck down shut up he just he gets there on time me and charlie are like i let's get in we get in and the guy's like okay so um how long is your how long does it take to get to your place and i'm like um it should it should tell you on the main panel of the tesla because i know that they like the app like the teo taxi app is on the main panel of the tesla i don't know if you guys know how

what a tesla looks like inside but there's like yeah a front panel that is huge like it's a big big touch screen yeah it's a huge touch screen and usually it shows like the gps with like the price and the destination and everything but it's turned off and i'm like right there i'm like oh no this is gonna be really fucking sketchy and i'm like really fucking wasted every story so far it's like a fucking twist let me tell you something it was a week of drinking like me and charlie was it i had not picked up on that probably probably like 20 bars in a week i'm not like i'm not even exaggerating we were like always drinking you proud no

no i'm not you sound a little proud geez avery way to hurt you sound a little proud i mean i mean? Pretty good number. How long is it by the time he got murdered in a Tesla? Go ahead. And I'm just like, yeah, you should have it on your fucking main screen, which is closed right now. I mentioned to him. Can't curse. This is the ad read. Okay, I mentioned to him like your curse This is the address, okay, go ahead was that your joke Holy shit. Do you not care for this man's feelings? Holy fuck.

I'll be gone next week, guys. Do you need me to talk to David after this recording? Is Avery our HR? Someone's going to have to talk to me after this podcast. Let's make Ed our HR. That's a worse call.

That way no one will ever get kicked off because ed'll just be like shut the fuck up oh yeah brendan is our hr oh yeah it would be a good hr hr whatever finish your fucking story what are we even talking about i don't know anyways and like he he just like he's just oh yeah i don't like using that gps i just use my phone and i'm like oh can i see your phone i'm just like what do you mean and he's just like anyways we're gonna we're gonna roll because like your counter's rolling and i'm like what what the fuck and he just i'm like okay and he just okay he has a he has like five bricks in his shoes like He accelerates in like nanoseconds. Fucking vroom!

And I'm like extremely easily car sick. I don't know if you guys remember when we were in Colorado, but like I get extremely, extremely motion sick. Fuck off, Cameron. Like I get extremely motion sick and, uh, I'm like, I'm getting drowsy.

And like, he, he just stops really fucking quick. And also the alcohol didn't fucking help. And he just accelerates and goes fucking like, and I'm like, Oh no. And Charlie's laughing.

Cause he's like, he doesn't know what the fuck is happening. And like, I completely forgot know what the fuck is happening. And like... I completely forgot Charlie was in this story. Yeah, I'm saying. Like, the driver just turns around. He's a passenger in his own life. The driver turns around.

Jesus, fuck. He just turns around and he's like, you guys like music? And then we're like, yeah. And then he's just like, let's fucking listen to music it's on fucking music okay okay you guys like music is the dumbest fucking question ever like why that's that you're literally getting no information if they say yes or no you're like you don't know what to play nothing why would you ask that question it's so stupid You put on some fucking... I don't even remember when you put on... How long have you been holding that one in?

Yeah, I guess so. Cameron frequently gets asked if he likes music and it fucking frustrates him. Would it be better if I said, Cameron, how do you feel about music? I hate you. Die, die, die. How does music make you feel? Oh my God.

And yeah. And he just puts on fucking blasts hip hop. And I'm like, okay, I guess we're listening to the fucking hip hop. And then he's like, so are you enjoying your ride so far? And it's been like two minutes. And I'm like, it's okay. I'm like, it's okay i'm like i'm like it's okay and he he i i answer in english because i want charlie to understand what's happening and he just does not answer back in english he keeps

going in on in french and he charlie's just laughing and he doesn't understand and he's like a giant baby the driver's a big old happy baby the driver's like a big old happy baby. The driver's like, so like, what's your name? And I'm like, David. Oh,

Dave, is your first time with Teotaxi? I'm like, no, no. And he's like, oh, okay.

And he just keep fucking raises the volume. And I'm like, he's like trying to strike a conversation with you. He fails one. He's like, all right, it's over. Good boys boys turn the music up it's not even failing to start a conversation it's just he was a fucking idiot i have no fucking idea what he was trying to do and like okay we're

we're like crossing because i don't live in montreal i live like on one bridge away, like in a suburb, I guess. Is that what you guys call them? Yeah. Like, yeah, I live on the Southern shore of a suburb and like, we have to cross a bridge and like,

eventually like, he's like, he just tells me, um, I thought you said this was going to be 10 minutes. And I'm like, what the fuck um i i just answer him like uh well usually it should take 10 minutes because he got fucking lost while we were in the fucking gay village for like a solid yeah how did that happen again because the bar the okay okay because we all know how he feels about the game

that is not true avery that is not true avery please don't say that. Because basically we were in the Latin district and the Latin district is next to the gay village and we have to cross it to go to the bridge. Are all the cities and sexual orientations quarantined in Montreal? Is that how it works?

No. No. It's like Chinatown and shit. I don't know. No, no, no. No, no, we haven't done that for years. It's like Chinatown and shit. I don't know. Okay. And it's not even Latino anymore. So you guys got lost in gay Chinatown.

So it took longer than 10 minutes. Thank God you didn't make a fucking... Whatever. Sure. We got lost there. Thank God you didn't make a fucking trip to a non-binary fucking ville. While we were crossing the fucking bridge, he tells me, why is it taking,

it's longer than 10 minutes, and I'm like, well, I'm sorry, but it usually takes that amount of time to get to my place, and he's like, huh, and while we cross the bridge he stops the music i don't know why he just stops it swerves off into the river he just stops the music and then it's silence and um

he took longer than expected so he had to remove the music why is that where you left cause you guys won't fucking shut the fuck up and let me finish go ahead go ahead you just you were gonna fucking you were gonna just say fucking gayville and then move on like you can't

do that okay so where was I bridge he stopped he turned off the music he turned off the music and then it's just like really awkward silence and me and charlie just look at each other and like we're like okay well and we start talking and then i i had my window down because i i was feeling so drowsy and i just had to have fresh air and he he just he the guy the driver he's like uh i'm cold and he just raises the fucking window and i'm like okay and he locks them oh nice oh so and then i i try to step one and i'm like okay and i i don't i'm like i give up i give up

i don't even want to fucking tell him like can you open the windows because i know he's gonna be a jackass about it and uh quick quick we finish yeah why does he care like how long it takes to get to your place like surely he wants to to be longer. I'm getting to it. We cross the bridge. Well, we're close to crossing the bridge and he's like, I have bad news. And I'm like, okay.

What the fuck does that mean? And he's like, my cell phone battery died and I have no more GPS and the Teotaxi app is closed. I'm like. At that point. I'm just like.

Of course. Of course. What the fuck else. That doesn't sound that tragic. Because don't you know where you are? You guys have GPS? I know where I am. But he's a fucking retard.

And like, okay, we get to a road that splits right, left. Right is where we have to go. I'm like, you have to turn right. And he's like, he ignores what I say. And he's like, well, yeah, I don't have any more GPS so you're going to have to tell me where I have to go. And I'm like, turn right.

And he's like, yeah, like that. And I'm like, what the fuck do you mean? I'm not fucking making an example. Fucking dumbass. Yeah, dude,

man, you do great. He fucking turns left. What the fuck? But the thing thing is if you turn left you're on a fucking boulevard that does that you have to like go all the way at the end of the boulevard which can take five fucking minutes to go back and i'm like oh my god this fucking idiot. And Charles is still laughing. Yeah, he's fucking crying. He's laughing so hard. He's a little baby.

He's in one of two states at any given time. Laughing or crying. He sees me freaking the fuck out. And he knows the way back home. Because this is our last day. He has some kind of fucking spatial awareness and like we go to the end of the boulevard and i'm i i keep telling the the

driver like dude you fuck this is you're not you're not gonna make me fucking pay for this like dude i was supposed to get home 20 minutes ago. It's been like 30 minutes. This is insane. And like, he's just like, I'm sorry, dude. I'm just going to put music so you can relax. And I'm like, what? He says, you like music, right?

He talks in English for the first time. And he talks to Charlie. He's like do you like bob marley oh my god and like he he take he he turn he fucking turns like a maniac and he like he we go back on the right way to go back to my house and like he he's like he puts he puts fucking bub marley on and fucking super fucking loud like i can't even speak to him anymore and he starts fucking like singing and it was like oh what's the fucking bubley song? The one that goes... Oh my god. He sings it. But he's like...

Charlie and I just start fucking laughing. I just accept it at that point. We get to the auto route and he gets he gets cold

still which is crazy because it was super fucking hot outside. He puts the heat on with all and it fogs up every single window on the auto route. You have to roll at like 100 kilometers per hour.

And he just stops on the fucking auto route because every window is fogged up like straight in the middle of the fucking auto route. I think this dude murdered the original driver, if I'm going to be honest. And like, and at that point. He was a karate teacher after all he could have done it there was there was no fucking phone app it's just he just wanted an excuse for like why there isn't a big thing telling you that this is all above the fucking thing but the thing is oh yeah the thing is teo taxis are like teslas that are green and have the teotaxi logo on it so you're right he fucking killed the person there's no way kill the person stole his car he killed someone yeah i mean because he couldn't

anyways uh and yeah he just stops and we're we're just there he cuts the music and he just stands there he doesn't even move for like five minutes. Actually, it was more like one minute, but damn, did it fucking feel long on my fucking meter? Wait, were you at the destination? No, we were on the fucking autoroute. It's a highway,

dude. And he just stopped? Yeah. And he was waiting for the fucking windows to stop fucking up and we were there for a minute and then he just like go and he just starts rolling again and I'm

I'm like dude we're like so close to home and yet so fucking far and he just turns around looks straight at me and he says i hope you had a good time with toe taxi today because you know what i i was i was being cool with the music and all right like i put music on i was super i was super cool with you guys

what the fuck is wrong with this dude and he says that in english and charlie's like yeah you were fucking you were fucking lit oh my god charles i was like charlie don't encourage don't don't encourage him he's a fucking idiot and like and like he's just like he's just like yeah i just hope you guys appreciate what i did there and he just he puts back he puts back his fucking bob marley mixtape and starts singing again and yeah we dude definitely had like a checklist for like every interaction one ask them how the ride's going to ask them if they like music three ask them how the ride's going two ask them if they like music three ask them how the ride's going pretty much

and all the while all the while by the way he was driving like fucking like crazy like he was like 50 above at all times it was nuts and he was breaking

he was breaking. He was breaking super. And it still took you guys long. Yeah, because he kept fucking going like in circles and getting lost, even though he had a GPS at one point. And we get close to where I live. We were like in the neighborhood. And he's like, so like, do you live close to here? And I'm like,

yeah, I actually live like right over there. Like just turn right. And he's like, okay. He just stops. And he's like, I hope I look,

I hope you guys like your ride. Um, I'm going to open the door. I'm going to, and I'm like, I'm like i'm like we're not fuck it fuck it i i can see my home from where i am i who fucking cares like i i could see him from i could see my fucking window from my room so i'm like whatever i'll just fucking walk dude and we're just sitting in the taxi and he doesn't stop the

meter. It just keeps going. And I, I like, I see the meter and it keeps going and he, he gets out of the car and I'm like, I want to get out this fucking car. Cause I'm, I, I, I'm feeling like so fucking drowsy. I'm going to fucking vomit on the ground. Like I feeling, I'm feeling like so fucking drowsy I'm gonna fucking vomit on the ground I'm feeling really really shitty so like I turn around and like do you guys know how Teslas work like on the insides okay the door

handles don't go out unless the person in front like lets you like unlocks them so we can't go out unless the person in front, like, lets you. Like, unlocks them. So, we can't get out. This dude had every opportunity to kill you guys. Yeah, yeah.

And, like, I'm just, like, I'm going to be honest. At that point. He gave him a five-star rating. He could have murdered you. Yeah. At that point, I'm like, dude, is he actually going to fucking kill us because like this is really sketchy and like he's just outside my i see him from my window he's just right there and he just like looks at the looks at the door handle and he's like so fucking baffled by that fucking door handle. And he's... You can open them from the inside

without them doing that. It's just for them to open it from the outside, they have to, like, tap the handle and it'll pop out. I didn't know that. Yeah, you can open it from the inside. Yeah, he locked them anyway, so I couldn't open.

And, like, I'm like, he's so fucking baffled by the door handle i'm like does he not know this dude murdered the original driver i'm convinced of it yeah that's my head yeah he's a fucking freak and i'm like does he know how to open like that he has to tap on the door handle because like he's so fucking baffled he goes back in and then he like unlocks it and then it automatically like get like he he eventually figures it out and like wow we get out and he's like he we go on at the back we get our fucking stuff from the trunk and he's like well guys i hope you i he he he looks at me he talks to me in french he's like i hope you had a fantastic ride uh how do you get back to montreal oh my god holy this dude's not from town this is a

fuck yeah this is a this is a fucking drifter who's murdered the taxi driver was like you know what i could do this life i'm just i can make it just like i'm just like dude i i like i i don't want to be mean i i don't want to be any mean to that guy like he's such a fucking retard he needs all the fucking help he fucking needs i i tell him like you go over there fucking literally do what we did in reverse, but don't turn, don't take that turn that you took. I'm going to be real with you, David. That's not good directions. I gave him, I didn't say that.

I actually gave him directions, but all the while the fucking meter is still going. And I'm like looking at my phone and I see the Teotaxi app and I while the fucking meter is still going and i'm like looking at my phone and i see the teo taxi app and i see the fucking meter going and i'm like i'm like i i tell him like dude by the way the meter's running and he's like oh yeah yeah sorry sorry and he just like he goes in his car and he's like i'm gonna deal with it all right thank you very much thank you very much i'm like yeah thanks we get back to my house fucking i i come in and he's there he's there he's there his penis is out what no i don't know man i don't know man i was trying to make it scary was something about you sucking on Ed's nipple I go to

the restroom and I'm like really sick I just like I feel like vomiting I take some gravels and I just like I take a glass of water. I fucking chug that shit. And I go check on Charlie if he needs anything like more blankets or whatever. And like.

He's a literal baby. No, I'm being a good host, Avery. I'm being better than you were. I like the one. Oh, okay. Fuck off with that, David. That's not comparable. Fuck off.

I like how the one thing that Charlie has done this entire time you guys are on the verge of getting murdered is laugh and say, yeah, man, this is a good ride. Laugh, cry, compliment the driver. The Charlie trilogy.

He just cannot acknowledge what might go wrong with this dude i look i look at my phone and the meter's still going and it's been like 50 minutes and like i'm guys it's 60 okay this ride is 60 with a fucking $30 coupon. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. What the fuck? How far did you go? How long was the drive?

It was like almost 45 minutes. Plus like, oh, I don't know. T.O. taxis are already pretty expensive because they're like uh electric cars and but there were the only ones that were available because uber doesn't exist i i i'm like is that fucking guy still out there i go in my room i open my fucking window i see him in his car. I just, I'm, and he's just like, he's looking ahead at his steering wheel. And I'm just like, oh my God, this guy is an actual infant. He's just looking at his steering wheel and doing nothing.

And if like, I'm just like, fuck it. I'll deal with this tomorrow. And I just go to bed. I don't know how long the fucking meter went up. So I paid the fuck. I wake up the next morning and it's like $120 or something like with. And I'm like, I'm not paying this.

This is insane. I could have fucking died. Like that guy was a fucking maniac i just like i fucking like i called the i called teo taxi to tell them what happened because i'm like dude he might have he might kill somebody i'm dead like it's dead serious could fucking kill somebody and uh i called teotaxi i told them what happened and i'm like by the way i'm gonna i'm gonna fucking like i'm gonna tell my bank to fucking refund me this because this is not okay what happened to me last night this wasn't they said they said we completely agree with you this is fucking nuts we're gonna we're gonna investigate the driver wow they've got some fucking nice linguists technician australian what the fuck no they didn't say this is fucking nuts come

no he was he was like she she was like oh we're really sorry we're gonna we're sorry that that happened we're gonna see what would happen like you won't pay a dime we're gonna like see what happened and uh we're gonna talk to our driver and that's that's that that's my story of how I fucking my the worst taxi experience I've ever had and I hope it's to be fair when you started this I definitely thought it was going to be you and Charlie hijacking an Uber or

a Teotaxi but this works too how would we hijack the car I don't know I was waiting to hear the story of how you would. Yeah. I mean, if anyone could do it,

it'd be you. If anyone could do it, it would be David. And then he wouldn't remember how he did it because he was fucking shit face at the time. And while he was hijacking the car, he would be rubbing it in their face. Well,

you must be getting your car. And then calling. No. And then on top of that you would call whoever owned the car and like complain about how shitty the driver was for letting him hijack we should get fucking drunk david to fucking rob a bank wouldn't yeah record a podcast from the courtroom i feel like we're done i don't know where we can go from yeah i think we're done we're done yeah i think we're done. I don't know where we can go from here. I think we're done. I feel like I was fair.

No, that's fair. You almost died. You were in a car with a murderer and you handled it well. And he knew karate. His hands are classified as weapons of mass destruction. But fuck you in. Watch out. Everyone just fucking plug your shit wait uh

please rate us on itunes oh right right right review us on itunes or podbean fucking podcast addict any any where you hear us give us a thumb up on soundcloud or however that works give give us a kiss on the cheek give us a kiss on the you see us in real life make eye contact for a really long time you know what to do yeah give us the bing bang boom give us a bing bang married all right um all right david you want to go first uh yeah you can follow me you can find find me. You can tweet at me at twitter.net.com.tv at Sermiao Music. You can follow me, follow my music on Spotify.

I'm Sermiao on there. You can find me on SoundCloud at Sermiao Music and you can can see me play Real Estate Agent HD remake on twitch.tv slash Sermia Music.

You can give me a kiss in real life if you see me. Are you done yet? Jesus Christ. You can follow my cat Steve on Twitter Steve doesn't have a Twitter account. No, he does not. You can also find David on Spotify.

He already said that. You can also find me on Spotify. Can we be done with David's fucking social media? This has already been a David episode. I thought David didn't say Spotify. Oh my god, Cameron. Super sneaky. You can also follow me on Spotify. Oh my god, Cameron. Super Snake Sheep. You can also follow me on Spotify.

Oh my god. Alright, you can find me on Twitter at Super Snake Sheep. You can't at me like you can David. That's about it. What? Don't at me. Don't at me.

Spotify, Cameron. Huh? Kyle. Can I just use my time to plug Don't at me. What's Spotify, Cameron? Huh? Never mind. Kyle? Can I just use my time to plug David's Spotify? Yeah, go ahead. Hey, can we use this time to plug David wanting to lick its nipples? Yeah, oh yeah.

We should talk about that a little bit more. If you want to tweet at David... I need to tell him I'm sorry. If you want to let Ed know that David wants to suckle his nipples, tweet him at punkduck underscore on Twitter. And you can follow me on Twitter at... Yeah, at SirZulu. You can follow me on Twitter at ShammyTV. These are all in the fucking video if you're on YouTube.

I don't... Fucking end it. End it all, please. Have fun!