Please Stop Talking - Children of the Björn (feat. Brendaniel & Punk Duck) | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: April 22, 2023

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Savor the new small and mighty Cortado. Cozy up with the familiar flavors of pistachio. Or shake up your mood with an iced brown sugar oat shaken espresso whatever you choose your espresso will be handcrafted with care at starbucks what's the book about angels that sounds like maximum overdrive i always get confused by it book about angels the bible yeah there's a ya novel about like angels that's something something maximum something something overdrive no i'm thinking of a different not the bible for minecraft kids i'm thinking about like a weird novel calling the bible a ya novel uh if the bible was a novel jesus would get

sucked off a lot more my grandmother would spontaneously combust dude why novels are so horny jesus books I actually had this realization recently where I was just like thinking about all these YA novels I used to read as a kid, like at school, whatever. Why are they all so f***ing horny and like everybody's on drugs

and doing so much f***ing crazy? It really depends on, there are kind of like, at least from that time period, there are a lot of YA novels. And if you see anything that mentions the fae or fairy, like anything involving the fae, there's going to be a lot of sex.

The fae? It's like those movies. YA novels and fucking movies like Project X, to me, occupy the same space in my head of, oh, we need to appeal to teenagers. The monkey movie? No, Project X, the one where these guys try to throw... appeal the monkey teenagers no project x the one where like the these guys oh the other is that the one with the curb stop no no brother it's the one where they try to throw a big house party oh that's the other the other project x

duh two of them yeah there's a monkey movie i just said so x monkey movie there's a monkey movie. There's a monkey movie. It's with Matthew Broderick. That dude killed... Matthew Broderick killed a guy! Matthew Broderick killed a guy. Actually, didn't he kill two people in a car? Go, go, Gadget. Make driving more fun.

Uh-oh. Oh, no. Get this guy behind a steering wheel. Oh, dude. Project X had miles... Oh, no. Get this guy behind a steering wheel. Oh, dude. Project X had miles. Oh, my God. Oh, wait. The tagline for Project X, the monkey movie is following orders isn't the only way to

become a hero. Oh, my God. The name of the monkey is Virgil, by the way. Oh, my. That's the name of the monkey in Virgil, by the way. That's the monkey in Project X. Another good news. It was nominated for a Political Film Society Award for Human Rights. Damn, Project X is a fucking minefield.

Good for you, Matthew. Good for you. How are those human rights? Where was that? Scotland? That guy he killed he like uh collided head-on with the volvo and killed two people oh god he killed a mother and daughter oh god 1987 yeah in 1987 yeah wait that's what project that's when the monkey movie came out holy shit not even yeah what the fuck yeah project x came out in 1987 and he got

nominated for a human a human rights award the same year oh my god dude for the two people he killed he got fined 100 bucks yeah because he's matthew broadwick damn you know that you know who he is the guy from the chip the. It's the guy from Project X. I mean, if he went to prison, it's not like Ferris Bueller gets another day off, right? Oh, Brendan. I know. I'm a silly little guy. Put me in a crate and send me off to a different country.

What? welcome to the podcast making a little joke and i go oh brendan as i sellotape the box shut, no air holes, no nothing. I don't need air holes. Put a bong in there. Tomorrow is 420. I'm going to get fucking ripped and ruined. Oh, it is 420. Hey, happy birthday, Hitler. That's not real.

That's not real. It's real, but we don't have to talk about that. It's April 20th, 1889. Do you think he liked weed? Okay. Okay. Sheena, it's always a joy to have you here. I'm sorry, Sheena.

It's okay. I'm not like, I just came back from my vacation and I'm on like I just came back from my vacation and I'm still he was trying to light the fattest spliff and the oven was on no Ed oh

Ed be respectful it was his birthday I'm sorry I apologize to the fucking Hitler foundation estate whatever did they have to change their names Oh, I'm sorry. I apologize to the fucking Hitler Foundation. Estate. Whatever. Did they have to change their names? I would also probably. I mean, what if they really like their grandpa? Oh, this is a bad conversation.

It is. I'm just sitting here and I'm like, I was like, do I say anything to try to like segue us into something? But I'm like, where do I segue like this from? Sitting here waiting. I'm full gripping my chair like it's clockwork orange. Pastor Brendan, give me my Hail Marys. Give me my Hail Marys and God's big father. Love him.

Think about him when I masturbate. Love to eat cheese. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, Jesus is pretty hot, like, right? I mean, it depends which depiction of Jesus. He's always ripped on the cross. The Jesus from fucking, what's that fighting game? Fight of Gods.

Oh, Fight of Gods. Dude, he's a sweaty little hunk of a man. He's a little himbo. That's my preferred depiction of Christ. Ed, let me pitch something to you. I'm listening. I'm like the guys in Shark Tank. He's a little himbo. That's my preferred depiction of Christ. Let me pitch something to you. I'm like the guys in Shark Tank. This may be a blast theme. I'm going to pitch a game to you.

Everybody get a character for this pitch. I'm going to pitch it. Wait, wait, wait. My character is called Gregory. My character is called Adolf Hitler. My character is called Gregory. He got rich off of coal mines in Thailand. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's where all those... Sheena, what's your character? I'm Gregory, too. And I'm Gregory's son. Okay. All right. Hello, son. Sit at the table with us on Shark Tank.

Okay, father. It's awesome to be here. Awesome to be here, to be here gregory uh gregory and uh mr hitler uh i today i am asking for half a million dollars for my amazing souls like video game idea you've heard of jesus now i've heard of him now the big thing about jesus is we can't get a lot of kids getting with Christ, getting jiggy with Christ. Now we're mumbling, we're mumbling to each other.

Yeah, that's true. People do definitively get really, really, really into the dark souls and from software type games. Now I'm writing, I have a notepad and I just wrote Jesus question mark equals synergy. I have a notepad too and I'm writing a smiling face.

I have a, I have a note. I have a notepad too and I'm writing a smiling face. I have an op-ed too and I'm drawing the cool S I used to draw in high school. Don't draw two of them though, Ed. Oh, Mr. Hitler, not again. Now, let me get to the crux or the crucifix to this game idea that I have here. Let me jump right into it. We all know Jesus.

We all know Souls-like games. And we all know that Jesus has the stigmata, but he doesn't really use them for a lot. So what I'm pitching to you is a Souls-borne game where Jesus' hands are stuck together, but the holes are there, and he carries the weapons in the hole. So he grabs the hammer,

and he hilts the hammer in the holes of the stigmata, and then he hammer-hits, like hammer fists people, but with the weapons. So he does, like, crazy psycho moves, like he's playing with some kind of mind fushigi while he's hitting the enemies. So, Mr. Brindaniel, what you're suggesting is... No, sorry, that's not my name. My name is John. Mr. John, sir.

So what you're suggesting is... That's not my last name. My last name is Johnson. Can you please get it right? It was on mr john johnson sir uh so what you're suggesting is a type of from software ish adjacent game where jesus is a type of chainsaw man adjacent amalgamation that can uh uh equip weapons through the holes of the crucifixion and that's how he beats ass well we have uh we actually have some synergy here um I've talked with a big-time game developer and Jesus will actually have an assistant that will equip the weapons to him.

I'm very familiar with Mr. Levine's work. No, no, no, no. His name is... Jesus is going to have an assistant that will equip the weapons into the holes of the Stigmata. I think you've heard of a little character named Freddy Fazbear.

Oh, yes. No, I have, I have. He's really hot. He's going to be right behind Jesus every step of the way as like a shadow companion. Jesus is going to fight amazing villains. We're going to have the four horsemen.

We're going to give them huge rocking titties and call them the four horsewomen. We're going to have the seven deadly sins, but we're going to get rid of greed. And here's the awesome part. When you go to fight greed, you open up the door. Boom, opens up the cash shop for the game. The micros for the game. Boom. Right there. The more money you spend, the lower his health bar goes. Right now what I'm doing is I'm leading

over to one of the Gregs and I'm showing them the really cool S I just drew. And I'm going, you fuck with this? I fuck with this. Mr. John Johnson? Yes. What are you asking for? I'm asking for half a million dollars and free access to

any vending machine in the state of idaho what do we got i think we need to i think we need to quickly like i think the jury needs to convene real quick mr john johnson just stay right there and look pretty okay i'm posing and doing a gay little dance okay uh mr mr gregory what seems to be the objection what What's this capital? I don't know. I don't know what that means. I don't know either. I don't know.

I'm going to be honest. I'm flat broke, dude. I spent all my money trying to change my name and they didn't let me. Dude, I thought there were mines in Thailand. I'm pretty sure. Isn't that where all the people that Elon Musk had to, like he had to dig a hole in whatever and he called that guy a pedo for no reason? Yeah.

Didn't he build his, he built built a submarine for one of them. What am I going to have for dinner tonight? Can we have McDonald's after this? I think we'd stop by McDonald's on the way. Okay, I think we got it. Mr. John Johnson, I think we have come to a decision

regarding your project. You are not going home with half a million dollars. You are going home with a million dollars. Congratulations. We love your idea. We love your idea. Awesome. I didn't even tell you the name.

The name of the game crucifix you. You're going home with $2 million. Congratulations. Now get the fuck out of my face. We got to go to McDonald's. I hop onto the Segway and I jump onto the Segway And I keep ramming myself directly Into the door over and over and over again Ow, ow, ow

Oh man, I really hope Justin Roiland sees this This could be a banger episode of Rick and Morty An epic skit of interdimensional cable Oh yeah I'm Shark Man, I'm Shark Guy I'm in the yeah. I'm Shark Man. I'm Shark Guy. I'm in the shark. I'm Shark

Shark. I'm Shark Guy. Have you seen the Vat of Acid episode where they drop them in the acid and it's a whole joke about a Vat of Acid? We're going to drop you in a tank of sharks. That's right. I'm going in a Vat of Acid, man. We're dropping you into a Vat of Sharks. Oh, shit. You're being eaten.

I'm being eaten by sharks. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, shit. You're being eaten. Oh, no. I'm being eaten by sharks. Oh, no. This is... Oh, no. Oh, fuck. Hey, I'm one of the sharks. Dude, this is actually... That actually sounds like a fucking skip from one of those. I fucking hate Rick and Morty.

Oh, this is a weird episode. Dude, we should make our own cartoon. That's because I'm at 100% today. I'm sorry. I feel like I'm on 50% because I just came back from my fucking vacation. this is a weird episode dude we should make our own cartoon that's because i'm at 100 today i'm sorry i feel like i'm on 50 because i just came back from my fucking vacation tell me about your thetan level because i saw your picture that you like popped by the church of scientology and i'm really interested in three things your level what that ass do and your feet and level my dude my ass do a lot my ass do be clapping let me tell you something he's got try to buy

pants yeah try to try to buy pants when your fat ass is just clapping non-stop you think like if you got really cheap ass implants anytime you put on pants it'd be like a big your butt would be like a big bag filled with yogurt or pudding you just gotta slurp it in there a yogurt bag yeah like i'm not like a bag you know what you know what ed got on my ass one time for like a tub of yogurt i'm not getting i don't want i don't want him on my ass for a fucking bag of yogurt yo i think that that was the last episode i was on i don't remember i don't remember this oh my god it was yeah you got really mad at me because you were saying tubs of yogurt don't exist. Tubs of yogurt definitely do exist.

Like bathtubs? What? No, little tubby. We're not having this conversation again. I don't even remember what we talked about. Yogurt with an H or the right way? Yogurt? I spell it without the H.

That's what I'm thinking. All I'm saying is I passed the Scientology place. I took a picture with the Scientology thing and I'm pretty sure everybody inside that Scientology building was like rushing towards the door to get me in. I like to imagine that their device to test your Thetan level

is just two theremins taped together. You gotta... What is Thetan? I keep hearing Thetan. Thetan? Your Thetan level is what they test you for in Scientology. It's like a stress level, basically. They're testing you for your thetan energy. Is it like your hyperlink to the whatever thing they worship?

Your hyperlink? What do they worship? Neuralink is what I was trying to, like, remember. It's like a big pyramid in the space, right? So a thetan, a specific thetan, like a body thetan, is part of the dead alien soul that grabs onto your body.

So when you're tested for thetan levels, because Scientology is built on the idea of alien ghosts, thetans grab onto your body and they're like dead alien souls that grab onto your body and they're like dead alien souls That like grab onto your body And they've lost free will And the higher your Thetan level

The higher you get up into the church This is not what I expected At all I'm getting converted right now She's being on my camera She hovered on my Ron till I held Dude it's weird cause right before We started recording,

we were already talking about Jesus and other things. I was talking about Governor Jesse Ventura. I was thinking about conspiracy theories again. No, you've been on a weird roll. I told you. You know, David, a couple years back, I was feeling sinister. Today, I'm feeling diabolical. You do have a diabolical little aura out of you i can feel

like you're you're an evil little guy i'm a little all right even though i'm six foot five i like to describe myself as an evil little goblin and i'm letting that all out today it's all about the energy yeah your energy is really fucking stinky it's fucking stanky today if you looked at my aura my aura would look back at you i think the scariest part about seeing all of you guys in Chicago was when I was kind of sloshed and I was hugging everyone and telling them how thankful I was to have them in my life. But when I hugged Brandon, I am so sorry. Wow!

Thank you! When I hugged Brandon, he grabbed me by the back of my skull and he kept whispering my whispering in my ear about how hard he's gonna kill me and i'm gonna fucking i'm gonna pop i'm gonna pop you like a pimple i'm gonna pop you like i just wanna i just want to mention i i gotta apologize to ed on air for this uh when when uh when you were hugging me uh i i'm gonna be on i was like fucking i was fucking biting your neck dude i was biting so hard i was like oh no you don't remember when we fucking like i pushed you onto the fridge and i fucking grabbed your thigh and i grabbed you around my back dude i remember i i grabbed i dude i grabbed your hands and i i i

kissed both of your palms and then i, I gave you love stigmata. These hands are mine. Remember, I said that. And then I said, like, I want you to meet my dad. I came out as bisexual on that same day. I was so fucking hard. Dude, your girlfriend did not like that one. Well, you know, our girlfriend.

That's true. We have big announcements to make. Related to that, I came out on Twitter like two weeks ago and my wife said, look at my little gay boy. That's stolen valor. I'm a little gay boy. Actually, I'm

married. I'm a little gay boy actually i'm married i'm a little gay man we're two married guys just hanging out oh dude isn't it hanging dong isn't it funny that paint hole is probably the only let's play channel where two the two co-hosts are married to different people white two different people what the fuck well yeah because wife. Oh, what is that? Are they both married to two? I don't know. Wait. No, I was saying like, we are both married to two separate people. I'm not talking about like a quadruple here.

I'm talking about you are married to your husband. I'm married to my wife. Yes. I don't know if there's another Let's Play channel where the two co-hosts are married at the same time or together. Here we are again. You, me, and an ExpressVPN sponsored segment in the middle of your favorite podcast.

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Some of you might not know this, but English is not my first language. It's actually French, which made things a bit difficult for my husband when we got married and he moved in with me up in Quebec, where the main language is French. Learning a new language is not easy. So I'm very glad for this episode's sponsor, Babbel. Babbel is a language learning app that sold more than 10 million subscriptions and it's a super easy and addictive way of learning thanks to its bite-sized

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Right now, when you purchase a three-month Babbel subscription, you'll get an additional three months for free. That's six months for the price of three. Just go to babbel.com and use promo code PSTPOD. That's B-A-B-B-E-L.com, code PSTPOD. Start your new language learning journey today with Babbel. Two months ago, I wrote down a bunch of random stories in the topics chat here, and I just want

one of you to pick one, and I'll just go off on it, because I think I'll remember what it's about. You said two months ago, yeah? Oh, I see. Yeah, if you scroll up to February, I got really blasted on Gas Station Yaya, and I had like a memory flooding back, so i was just writing shit down wait also before we choose a story can you please tell me what gas station yaya

is delta it's like it's it's weed you get out of the gas station delta eight delta eight is legal and because delta eight is legal because of a loophole. And because Delta 8 is legal because of a loophole, gas stations will sell it. So I call it gas station ya-ya, even though it's just Delta 8. I did not get it from a gas station that is stolen valor. What's with you and stealing valor? Me? I don't know. I was thinking about it the other day because Shelby and I were in Minneapolis a couple weeks ago.

And I was commenting that I was in an Ikea and somebody's like, oh, you should get the Blage and then somebody else commented, Brendan, that's stolen valor. So it's been stuck in my head since then. Oh, I see. Because that's for the trans plush, right? Wait, is it bi or trans?

It is trans, okay. Yeah, Blage, the trans shark. Oh, is it Blage? I always pronounce it Blahage. Blahage? I always pronounce it like Blash. Blash. You got to add some oomph in there. You got to put a little pepper on it.

You got to Blash. Put a little pepper on you. Put a little pepper on me. Oh, my God. I didn't know you were a food freak. Come on down. I'll make a whole ice cream sundae on my chest. Wow.

Tell your fucking... Hey, how about you tell my mom's wedding sunday what okay so my mom's wedding oh god i don't know what i wrote i wrote i wrote three things i gotta take my shirt off dude all i'm saying is if you make a sunday on your chest and you put two cherries on your nipples i'm there i'm there i'm sorry oh i'm so hungry so there are three separate things. I don't remember one of them. I wrote my mom's wedding and then parentheses I wrote smoke weed comma food comma drear and I don't remember

why I wrote drear. Like I don't like I legitimately don't remember writing drear. So it's not even that amazing. I went to my mom's wedding. This is a couple years back my my stepdad he's like a psychopath uh but he's like the least psychopathic person my mom has ever married or

been with um so we went for your mom good for good for my mom ish uh so we went to me and my brother and my family you know we all went to my mom's wedding. I dressed up nice. Shelby was there. Uh, there's two encounters. I know the first two. It's the smoke weed and the food. First up, my mom had the most Midwestern buffet, which was horrible. It was vile and there was cornflake casserole and I wanted to throw up.

What is cornflake casserole? Cornflake casserole is literally, and it's like an Iowa delicacy, and I fucking hate it with every fiber of my being, and you will understand why. It's literally cheesy potatoes with a layer of cornflakes on top, and the cornflakes get all soggy and mushy. I mean, that doesn't look that bad. I'm looking at it.

It looks totally fine. That was like the food bit. Like, there wasn't like a crazy, there wasn't like a food fight, so I don't know why I wrote food, but the smoke weed part is the real meat and potatoes of the story the real cheesy potatoes of the story uh my brother and i uh were talking we went out back uh behind the dumpster

behind the like place where the wedding was being held this little convention center we're having like a really heartfelt talk and he like pulled out a joint he's smoking weed i i take it i'm smoking weed and then my mom's fucking friend uh stephanie her her boyfriend her longtime boyfriend rob like breaks into this like heartfelt like moment me and my brother are having talking about my mom and our past and like our lives and he breaks in while my brother is like crying and he's like he just starts like talking he just doesn't even give me a chance to talk to my brother he just starts rattling off random shit like oh i've known you boys since you were kids and you boys are great and can i get a hit of that and my brother's like crying he's like don't cry bud don't cry

like give me a hug give me a hit of that and i'm fucking like losing my mind standing there like this he takes he takes the joint from my brother and he just all of it in one go and he's you boys are awesome he walks away in one go like one go holy shit that's like like the cartoon i'm not like a dubious luxurious weed smoker normally right like i i i don't really imbibe in a lot of like forbidden fruit uh so i i had like one puff of it and then this this guy takes it. I'm like, that was like my one chance that you're to like smoke weed. And he smoked it all away. He smoked it all away. Smoking the entire fucking thing all in one go is like actually like Looney Tunes shit.

Oh, my God. Yeah, that is exactly what I imagined. Like that is so weird. Because isn't that like a bit in Tom and Jerry where like they're all cowboys. He smoked the cigar, yeah. Yeah, he smoked the cigar in one puff and that's also like uh a thing you can do in a king's cup slash ring of fire whatever uh if you get like the fourth king a new rule that we added is um instead of doing like the big chug or doing a dare you

could also uh you have to do a cigarette in one minute dude that oh my god why would you do that what the fuck Because some of them are heavy smokers. I don't want to go out with you. I don't want to go drinking with you. You fucking weirdo, man. That's fucking weird as shit. I mean, we don't force you. That's why there's the, hey, more options is always good. Player choice. Oh, that's true.

You can't play King's Cup with me. To bring back what we, the improv bit from earlier, more choice is always good that's what i'm saying because video the video game the life is the branch the point is and it's a moral choice sensor and it's a good one man i didn't hear a single thing uh is there is there no more at mom wedding that's like i don't remember what drear was about i oh i'm so excited for drear i couldn't i can't remember what drear was my like uncle was there

and i can talk about my uncle for literally hours my my Uncle Jamie. He's the piss jar uncle. Have I ever talked about him on the podcast? Piss jar uncle? Yes, we know about the piss jar. We know. So he used to cavort and hoard bottles, like empty bottles of Mountain Dew and jars of piss in my grandparents' basement. You already told this story before.

I've talked about him before. It's like the third time. He was like really stinky. He kept walking around and he smelled like decayed trash. I can't remember what i wrote for dreer like i really wish i knew i wish i could like discombobulate my brain and remember what dreer means i want to know about the orb that kills old people because that's just a plot to phantasm okay wait wait wait wait before we do that brendan i really want you to fucking go up to your uncle.

He's got a piss jar and you go, I've known you for so long. Can I get a hit of that? No, no. Please get a hit of that. No, tell us what you want. I'm going to make a piss jar bong. Let's go. Oh, God.

No. That'd be something they do on like Psy Talk or something. They make a fucking bong out of piss drink the heady David are you ready for the orb that kills old people because I don't know I don't I also don't want to like Bogart the episode with my like diabolical like nefarious

schemes I don't know it just sounds like the plot to phantasm and I like phantasm yeah okay I have to like prepare myself the glass ball okay let's brace ourselves here i'm strapping in i got my jar everybody knows about the theory or the the brain think from the last couple of years especially like there was a tiktok trend where it's like when did you become sentient what was your first like memory right like everybody's familiar with you like your first memory when did you become sentient i remember mine mine is very quick i was at a fucking christmas thing in a mall i saw an

elf looking down on me and i got i fucking pissed my pants because i was scared of elves oh mine's not funny hey let's move on i'm still waiting on mine but let's hear about the storm it'll happen my my very first memory has become corrupted throughout the ages uh because i'm 29 years old turning 30 and because i had a bad brain and i have bad brain so throughout the years it's gotten partially corrupted and mixed together with a dream uh making my very first memory at three years old this nightmare. So my very first memory was at an amusement park. And at this amusement park, I remember having fun and playing-ish, like a vague memory of having fun, being in a little toy ride. But there was a Berenstain Bear Science Center in this amusement park. And in the Berenstain Bears Science Center, I walk inside and there is Papa Bear.

And he has an orb in front of him. It's a plasma orb. And I go up. And in the memory, as I remember it, I walk up and I touch the orb and I can feel its energy pulsing. And I look at my hand and I can feel the energy from the orb

in this memory, mind you. And I look to my right. There's an old man in a brown sweater. He's got graying bald hair. He has big, thick, like round glasses. And he has, I think it was either jeans or some kind of like blue pant. I remember him very vividly

because I look at my hand and I point to him and I go, I like point directly at him and electricity shoots out of my hand and I point to him and I go, I like point directly at him and electricity shoots out of my hand and vaporizes him. And nobody said anything about it. And like- This is so telling of who you are as a person. Yeah, this is your first memory.

I like rubbed my eyes and I looked and there was no pile of ash, no nothing. That orb vaporized an old man. He's gone. And like i said i preface this by like memory and dreams kind of interacted to form this orb who like the orb that kills old i feel like when you're that young you just like dreams and memories kind of just become the same thing and then you just kind of also your imagination is fucking crazy at that age so you just kind of imagine things being weird i can't i can't really relate to that experience that sounds scary

though if you tried to search back into your mind and see what your first memory is and it's just you the old man the worst part was of the memory is i was like that was awesome and i kept trying to touch the orb to do it again and it wouldn't work and so uh i've had it in my head throughout like until you know like 14 where i really processed this memory it was like that wasn't real i did believe that memory was true until i was like 14 15 that is crazy and i was like I was always like you know reading books about magic and shit and I was like dude what if everybody only got one what if everybody got

one orb they got one zap and you wasted it on some random old person that I vaporized outside of reality but you didn't even vaporize them you kind of just popped them out of existence.

Oh my goodness. I'm a dreamwalker and a smooth talker and if you come to me, I'm gonna hit you with the orb. Their grandkids were looking for you for years and now they know where you are. People are gonna be fucking checking like missing persons

cases in 1996. 1986, I own the fucking cold case. Oh my, I mean, what's the, yeah, what's the, what's the word fucking, when the case goes wrong. Statue of limitations. Statue of limitations on

vaporizing an old person. Oh my god. You might be safe. Brendan, dude, imagine this like, it's all actually within statute of limitations and all that, and that old person's family tries to sue you, but then you realize, wait, everybody in the jury's really old, and then you go, excuse me, I'd like to request,

instead of a phone call, I'd like to request my one orb i have the right and then i just palpatine everybody in the jury unlimited power but does everybody only get a vaporization or like is it is it everybody so the way i've thought about it like since i was a kid was everybody gets one magic moment and my magic moment was vaporizing an old person your magic moment could be like, an ice cream sundae appeared right in front of me. Awesome! Or it could be my dad's a truck now.

I'm pretty sure that's an anime. Is that a plot to something? Isikide with my dad but he's turned into a truck. Wait, no. Reborn in another world with my father but he's a truck now my dad reincarnated as a semi

brendan the image of you at like age 13 just thinking to yourself like how do i get it back like how do i do it again oh trust me like i so i there was a lot of escapism in my childhood like that's why my imagination like runs in overdrive that's why i like talk and act the way that i am and so like there were moments where i would try to like make magic real like on the farm i would run outside with my yugioh cards and throw them out in the ground and imagine they were real and fighting each other in a big yugioh war oh i remember doing stuff like that but also i spray painted magic runes on my grandparents trailer and got in trouble. I was definitely the kid that just like stood outside by themselves during recess. Like if it was on like a windy day and just like looking at just staring at leaves with my hand out, just like flexing my fingers. And like if the gust happened to blow at a certain time, I was like, I knew it.

I fucking planned it. I knew it. I fucking planned it. I knew it. I made it so. The power has been within me. I assume that my sister, Brendan, I used to fucking pretend I was doing pagan rituals and I take like these flies and then I don't know how I did it.

I think I was like in tune with the flies. I must've been like a bug in a previous life. Like whenever I approach a fly that's on a window, they never fly away. They just chill. I don't know what that is about my aura, but flies fuck with me. So what I would do is-

Maybe it's because you have like- Do you have poor circulation? Do you have like cold fingers? Wait, is that a thing? Yeah. Oh, maybe. Maybe my blood is quiet. No, not, that's not it.

It's maybe your, maybe your hands are cold so they don't feel you because no i'm not touching them i'm just going up to them and they don't fly away i'm not touching them at all but what i would do is i i would freak my sister out and pretend i was doing like a pagan ritual and then i keep telling her like oh you're going to hell you're going to hell you're so fucked and then what i would do is i would go up to flies that were like in my mind you i was a little fucking psycho when i was five like i was doing weird shit uh i don't do this anymore often i would go up to flies grab like a book or something and i'd fucking like crush them slowly enough not to ruin their composure but enough so that like they can't fly anymore like i'd hear like a little snap and then not to ruin their composure, but enough so that like they can't fly anymore.

Like I'd hear like a little snap and then they drop on the ground. And then what I would do is I would take a toothpick and like impale them. Oh my God. And then I would stab them into like the door of my sister's room in like a fucking pentagram shape. And I keep telling her like, you are so fucked. You're going straight to hell.

What the fuck? Beelzebub is coming for you. Okay. But to be fair, And I keep telling her, like, you are so fucked. You're going straight to hell. What the fuck? Beelzebub's coming for you. Okay, but to be fair, I remember being cruel to insects a lot as a kid. Just, like, finding those little... Those fucking nasty-ass bugs. What were they fucking called, dude? Roly-polies? Oh, I love them.

Horses. I don't think it's roly-poly. Horses. I would go up to horses and i cut them up imagine if a horse had a carapace and an exoskeleton you wouldn't be fucking fighting horses then they become butterflies but not those ones uh they're like caterpillars but not caterpillars i can't remember i know what you mean yeah i don't know the name they were fucking gross i just i just remember they were are they like gooey like white things they're like oh wait no they're woolly bear caterpillars

I just found them wait do woolly bear caterpillars become things cause I'm gonna be honest I'm not an etymologist I was a little psychopath and I killed a lot oh wait these little guys are so cute though yeah but they bleed like I just remember being obsessed with the fact that those things

bleed like white and we were just like at recess a bunch of a bunch of like kids just being little weird psychopaths finding woolly bear caterpillars and just looking at them and being like what if we squish them and then we would just squish them and then be like they're white. Me going to the Tekken World Tour. Kids are fucking crazy. What the fuck? When I was a kid we would kill fireflies and we'd take their butts and we'd like take the firefly part and we'd rip it off

and rub it on our foreheads and run around outside. Oh my goodness. So our foreheads would like glow in the dark fucking war paint dark war paint that's super weird because now i'm looking at woolly bear caterpillars and i'm like those things are so cute why did i do that i was scared of them for a little bit because i was like on some science trip and some kid i was like looking at them like hanging out on a leaf and i was like whoa and so some kid came up to me and was like, hey, don't look at those.

They'll make you blind if you look at them for too long. I was like, oh, God. I'm just looking at pictures of them. They're literally just fucking puffy little balls. Yeah, they're kind of like, they kind of remind me of like bees. They're so, they're just puffy little guys. They're just a puffy little ball. They don't even look like they would move or do anything. They're just puffy little guys little ball they don't even look like

they would move or do anything they're just like a thing oh maybe that's why i had no fear they're so helpless small oh god kids are fucking crazy what the fuck oh yeah no we i i was a little psycho i feel like it might it might be just like when you're a kid, you just have that curiosity and you just do it, I guess. Yeah, when you're a little kid, there are no rules to the world. You just do whatever. I remember for Roly-Polys, I don't think I did anything like you guys did. I didn't stick them on toothpick pikes or use their blood and put them on my forehead. I did not do that. I did not do that.

I did not do that because it looked like... David just mercilessly killed them. I killed them. We killed them and then we would make... Oh, God. I just had this realization how fucked it is. We made soup. Bug soup.

Oh, God. That's so fucked up. Dude, being a kid is really fucked up cause you're like you're just like haha we're playing house and then you just kill a bug and use it's blood with mud and you're like this is soup oh my god

what the fuck I think the things I did I was like for really pulleys I'd make them roll up into a ball and I'd just throw them. Because of ball shape. Ball throw. But I didn't kill them. To be fair, those would definitely survive.

Like, roly-polies would survive that. I think the worst... They're like little carapace dudes. Yeah, they roll up like that because their shells Meant to be protective and good And I was a little kid They're like armadillos Would you throw an armadillo? No

Why did you throw a roly poly then? Because I was like four And it was ball shaped Double standards In the animal kingdom again I used to Kill spiders and then tear their legs off. And then I'd leave the legs around corners of my sister's room. So you'd only see the legs and not see what it's attached to.

And make her think her room is full of spiders. I'm going to be honest. Everybody is just like, haha. We're tame. We don't understand what we're doing. And you were just like,'t understand what we're doing and you're you were just like you knew what you were doing that's why you're the creepy one i i would do like anything to fuck with my sister i think i told i told i told you guys about this but one time i fucking

i ran like head first into like a uh like a not a power outlet but you know that box the fuse box that's what it was i ran head first into it and i cut up my forehead like real bad i was bleeding everywhere back then you know you're fucking invincible it didn't even hurt so i was just like you know whatever my parents were like frantically calling the hospital my sister was like about to vomit so i just chased her around jesus christ there's just so much energy just going into tormenting your sister just killing bugs like positioning their body parts in a certain way just to spook her yeah just to spook her yeah just to be a little did you know roly polies get to live up to five years that's crazy not

not around me not not around me jesus christ dude i can't believe how fucking psychotic we all were what is up with children when i was little gunshots would be in my neighborhood when i lived in the apartment with my mom and my brother and i'd tell my brother that they're coming for him every single time it was like uh if it was like a car backfiring or a gunshot sound i'd look at him and be like run they're coming run run oh my goodness oh my god i used to go up to the little autistic kid in my school and telling him the cia was coming for him it's not real we know that's not real goodness sometimes i look back on like my life i i am an older sister i have a younger brother and sometimes i look back on i was

like man maybe some some of the things i did were not very nice when i was little and then i'm hearing about this and i was like you know maybe it wasn't so bad man i know some of the things i did weren't very nice but then i remember what my sister my older sister would pull off pull off and i'm like oh i'm good yeah i i look back on it and i go uh at least none of the things i did were racially charged so thumbs up can't say can't say that for a lot of the other kids i grew up with because we were all european and uh boy did they do some sketchy shit oh yeah did i tell you guys that i fucking uh i've been this whole time i i guess brendan came out as bisexual i guess i'll come out as not racist uh this whole time i thought uh this whole time i thought this whole time i thought that like

fucking like throughout my like eight through whatever ages i was like a turbo racist but i recently uh uh one of our mutual friends average pixel he taught me how to um go through like all of your literally all of your youtube comments because i've only ever had the one channel i made piece of lore i made the punk duck channel because i wanted to subscribe to dsp because i was like man this guy's funny i need to watch all of his videos that's the account I've had since forever. And I went through literally every single one of my comments. None of them were racist. A couple of them,

you know, I used to hate women. Oh, I did the same. I did the same thing, actually. Well, I didn't. No, no, that part, no. I, I, oh, Ed, I was there. I went through my comments. When you were reviewing your comments, a lot of them were just like, I will never play this game, but this game sucks.

Like half of them were me going to trailers to random games and going, this game is shit. I haven't played it. I remember doing it afterwards. Like you guys left and I was like, I'm curious. I'm going gonna do it and i just went through and it was like lol waffle xd this part in the video is fucking epic and yeah there was that like epic onage and whatever my personal favorite and i and i'll remember this forever i watched a video of like a lady doing like a lore breakdown of borderlands and my comment was just hyperion is a brand not a planet you dumb bimbo

actually i did the math dude i was like 12 i i remember my first comment well because i saw it recently and also because it marked me for for life on youtube i just remember watching a g4 video on like some fucking video game was like e3 coverage yeah and some dude like in the in the comments some dude said some shit about like was there a fucking black dude here or something and i just remember i was like super young way too young to be on on fucking youtube and i just typed in like racist question mark and the dude like dude the dude answer was yes i am racist you fucking and then a bunch of slurs and then he went off on me and i remember reading that as a little boy and being like oh my word man i wish i could meet this guy slap his belly and say this bad boy can fit so many slurs in it.

Dude, I was just like... David, really hit me with my word. I don't know. I just remember reading that and being like, oh my. It really set me up for the future, though, because now I'm a YouTuber and I read shit like that on the daily.

It's kind of awesome, actually. Yeah, you should reach out to that guy again. They'll tell you like, yo, no way, I'm a huge fan of the podcast. Oh, no way, I'm a huge racist. I'm even more racist now. I'm trying to find a way to segue into talking about the thing that happened to me, but I don't know how to do it.

So I'm just going to do it, dude. dude because i know sheena wanted to say something sheena the floor is yours and so is mine i mean so i'm i'm the sheena go ahead uh i was just gonna say i think uh this comment is lost to time but i'm pretty sure my first comment ever was on a...Tabuscus video, sadly. Oh my gosh. Oh. Moment of silence. But it was on a Tabuscus video, I'm pretty sure it was on one of his Slenderman videos, and I accidentally disliked it, and I was like, oh god. Did you apologize? No. So I commented on his video, I was like, like hey tobuscus i accidentally disliked your video but

i took it back i'm really sorry and i'm pretty sure that's the first comment i ever i ever posted kids are funny i love i love this shit i mean they're funny until they kill bugs and do ritual sacrifices, but you know. Yeah, they're freaking out all kids. It's mostly Ed. My sister's soul is irreparably damaged. She will burn. Yeah, it is going to hell. Too many rituals.

I made sure of that. That wasn't even the only one sorry this has nothing to do with the story but i'm pretty sure one time i busted up my knee really bad dude yeah we had like a parkour craze at my school uh-huh and we were like nine or ten and there was like these walls you could fall we all got super into parkour and all that shit. And one time I was fucking doing it at our apartment. And I fucking busted up my knee trying to vault over our table. Like, oh, like tons of blood. And I was like, wait, no, this could be funny.

And I took like a big, like fucking, like not a wet wipe, but, you know, something that could absorb blood. And I drew another pentagram with my blood on my sister's door. I just remembered that. You're fucking crazy. You little freak. You need to take the time and make your sister a little card. Maybe draw all the bugs that you killed alive and

dancing and being like, sorry. You just tormented her so hard. I hate all the curses I put on you with these guys. Yeah, you should make a blood letter where you apologize in blood and then finish it

with a little pentagram. And then, P.S. I got rid of all the curses. Don't worry. Your daughter's fine. Oh my god. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I overdid it and it's like perma-stuck to her bloodline too

so yeah i gotta do something about that uh the past couple weeks have been a fucking complete wash uh because every single one of my friends uh we're going through some um some lady troubles let's leave it at that so uh for example one of my friends uh his date like do you want to go into examples no i mean it's i'm just giving an example of like by what i mean by lady troubles as you know one of them got stood up uh the other ones been having problems with his with his partner etc etc so we all were like you know what we know we know it's a weekday but how about we just all convene and go grab a couple drinks yeah a couple of babes with the couple babes yay kick the ball we uh we go uh we go to like some fucking hole in the wall uh in the middle of town at like

7 p.m like we're talking like pretty early startage so the bar is empty it's pretty much us and uh we're five in total three of them single and we're just talking like they're all miserable and i remember like the attitude going into this night was um if you'll forgive my candor is uh my friend saying well guys my fucking date stood me up and then another one of my friends goes you're kidding and then the guy goes yep tonight we're shitting on women and then the other guy goes same as usual so the attitude for this night we're we went into it very misogynistic like to the point where like we'd be telling like stories related to old partners uh where we were like total like we were not the good guys of those stories but we were just like recanting and then uh right when we'd be done telling the story

we'd huddle around like a football team and start yelling dudes rock dudes rock dudes rock over and over what the fuck is your life god what the fuck is your life and uh you know we were like two maybe three drinks in it's like 9 p.m at this point and we even start like uh perusing the idea of a maybe we should switch locations and right on the dot bar is still empty by the way right on the dot fucking ding ding door opens women 10 identical swedish women walk in oh my god and then 10 identical swedish women walk in and then 10 identical swedish women walk in and then this is not a safe space anymore i shit you not 50 identical swedish women walked in at once and the whole time we're just looking

at each other like what is happening what? What is this Twilight Zone shit? What is going on? And then we notice in the last batch of women, one of them that walks in has a little bag that says bright to be. So we go bachelorette party. That explains that. Why the fuck they picked this place of all places? I mean, if you were pondering changing bars, it was probably late enough where you were like,

just, you know, hopping around. Like bar hopping. I gotta say something, because it popped in my head. Children of the Bjorn. Oh, that's much better than what we called it. I don't know if I want to know what you called it. We called it the Night of the Long Swedes.

Based on the Night of the Long Knives. Which was a hate crime. Oh, I thought it was an album by Everything Everything. Yeah, they named it after the hate crime. Oh, that's really... Oh! He googled it um but damn no children of the bjorn yep no that's yep that's you honestly you should have you should have made them jealous by like kissing each other like let me finish my story oh god fucking no way no fucking way so um me and uh me and my other friend we're both in

relationships so you know we're abstaining but the other three they're fucking chomping at the bit they're fucking gripping the chair they got that dog in them do they oh do they go like pretty much yeah like that like the wolf from Tex Avery type shit. Yeah. Arugua! But, you know, they're doing it as a bit because none of them are in any mood to do anything right now. Because everybody's miserable at this table, right? It's misogyny night. Yeah, exactly. It's misogyny night.

You can't... That's a precious boy time. We go like, hey, let's ruin our chances real quick and do another dude's rock chance. And then we do... Oh my do another dude's rock chance and then especially because like none of us came out dressed well we all looked like shit me especially like at that point i hadn't done laundry in forever so i was pulling out the clothes i never wear um so whatever we end up just staying there for like i want to say three more hours pretty much till closing time by that point uh all the swes had left and then we walk out and we're like, all right, what's the plan now? We're, we're kind of tipsy, whatever. We each had like, I want to say five, we had a

lot of drinks and we go, uh, is anybody hungry? Cause I'm fucking starving. And then most of them said no. One of them said yes. So me and my one friend, we go into the McDonald's and then the other three, they stay outside, uh, smoking cigs. Uh, me and my one friend, we go into the McDonald's. And then the other three, they stay outside smoking cigs. Me and my friend order our food. And we're like, oh, let's get a takeaway because I'm just going to fucking head home now. And we walk outside and the other three guys are gone. And we go, oh, for fuck's sake, what now? What could possibly happen now?

We turn around and we realize, oh, okay, they're there. They're at the McDonald's. They're ordering food. We walk back in and we're like, why didn't you guys fucking get food when we got it and they went yeah we all saw you guys ordering food and got jealous but now me and my friend we have fucking we might as well eat here uh yeah we go sit at a table i'm about to take a bite out of a burger and a david you'll enjoy this part a random random girl walks up to us and she goes i'm sorry you guys aren't french right we go no not at all and she goes oh okay because one of my friends is teaching me french and i you guys

need to tell me what this sentence means we go okay what is it she goes je m'appelle mi popo that's so childish and then and then me friend just look at each other and we go what and then she says it again je m'appelle mi poopoo and then we both just go I mean that doesn't mean anything that's barely French that means my name is mi poopoo and she goes

wait are you sure and then she says it again with like a heavier French accent je m'appelle mi poopoo yeah like the third or fourth time she said it, I start cackling like, your friend's fucking with you. This means nothing.

I know. What the fuck? She keeps insisting like, no, no, no. Let me say it again. She was off her ass. Was she drunk? Yeah, no, she was off her ass was it was she oh she was drunk yeah no she was very drunk and then she keeps talking that she goes like wait i swear i saw you guys somewhere or like uh maybe and she goes and then she goes wait yeah weren't you guys at the other bar

oh my god wait are you part of the fucking group of 50 people that was in and she goes yeah yeah my friends are over there and then she moves out of the way out of an out of fucking nowhere 50 fucking swedish women sitting in mcdonald's and they all start waving at us we're like oh Oh, weird. And then we ask her like, so why, why, why are you guys? First of all, why Brussels? And second of all, what is happening? And she goes, oh, we're doing a pretend bachelor party because it's my friend's birthday.

So we're like, oh, okay. And then they all took a trip here they're all they're all like in law school and they wanted to have like a big gals trip because they've never been to brussels and they hear like all types of crazy shit which fair enough one guy jumped in front of the fucking train tracks today to try and kill himself when i was on the way here to record the podcast i feel you you may i feel like you keep saying that and it never gets funny i'm not saying it no i'm just telling you how fucking belgium when you were telling us earlier you were literally

laughing you you are laughing right now i hate him i'm just trying to say brussels is fucking weird because yeah on the way here guy tried to fucking jump for the train tracks. And then in my block, as I'm walking into my apartment, one guy leaves the bank dressed exactly like revolver ocelot, but like specifically MGS three, like red beret, the whole shebang.

And I was just, dude, I fucking hate it here. It's just weird shit after weird shit. Anyway, fun. We're It's fun. We're talking to her. And then all three of our friends show up.

They sit at the table too. And one of them who's like the extra misogynist. Every time he asks her a question or like says a sentence to her, he takes a bite out of his burger and he goes, you should leave by the way. Oh my God. He got too into it. He kept looking. By the way way i really want to eat my food

so please leave and she kept asking us all this all these questions whatever and then i make like a i i forget what joke i said but i said something and she laughed and she goes you're funny i like you and then my friend who i sat down with initially, who's barely said a word, she turns to him and she goes, you, you're not funny. I don't like you. What? And he just looks at me like, what the fuck?

Here's an important detail. They're Swedish, right? My friend that she pointed at is a black gentleman. Oh no. So for the rest of the night, every time she makes was um every time she makes a joke about how oh he's not funny i don't like him he just keeps whispering racially motivated racially motivated

oh my god why would you say that to someone multiple times tonight. Because after, because the thing is, after my friend sat down, the misogynist on my right was like, so wait, aren't there supposed to be like 50 of you? And she's like, yeah, they're over there. And he's like, oh, what, are they gonna fucking come over too? And then one of them does, and he goes, great, a third one, and then a third one does.

He is so bad. What? And every time one of our friends would join, she a recap like this guy's portuguese this guy's this this guy's this and this guy's not funny we don't like him that's so weird what the fuck and then of course as it happens in every night when we start talking to strangers uh one of my friends this time it also happened to be the misogynist uh he points at me fucking mouth mouth full of burger and goes by the way he does youtube youtube guy he outed you what the freak it happens to be fair nowadays nowadays it happens to me too

but instead of saying youtuber they say podcaster which is like so demeaning dude i'd rather i'd rather be called a podcast i would no because every white dude you know has a podcast every one of those podcasts is about hanging out with your cool and intelligent friend on misogyny night by the way watch bodies bodies bodies banger movie yeah and then they go oh youtube you have tiktok right and i go no i i i'm an adult and then they go no no no but like you you need to make a tiktok oh we we have to take a tiktok right now do you know that oh no and then they

fucking like they set up the phone on on the fucking table that my friends are trying to eat at. And they're like, oh, do you know this dance? Do you know this dance? And I was really off my ass because they were going to teach me. But I just went, oh, this one? Oh, yeah, I know it by heart. Oh, my God. And basically, we shoot a little TikTok.

Here you go. I'm dropping it in general. Here's the behind the scenes. Oh my god, there's so many women. He's a celebrity. He's a celebrity. One of them just keeps saying that.

I like the very end where he said, TikTok girl. And then I just look like a bouncer at the end. With the TikTok girl. And then I just look like a bouncer at the end. With the TikTok girl. Her hands in front of you. Oh my god. Next time I see you, Ed, I'm going to walk up to strangers and then point to you and say,

he's a celebrity. Anyway, she did end up posting it, by the way. I was going to ask that next. Oh my god. I hate this so much. Oh, you look oh my god that's awesome you look so unhappy i was i uh this conversation had gone on for like three hours i really wanted it to be over and eat my food my food was cold now no shit you were tick-tocking when you could have been eating you dumbass and

uh so i uh so my friend uh my friend who's who was recording the behind the scenes video he tells her like you gotta send me this shit right now because i am gonna have this on loop it's gonna be my fucking phone background. You got to send it right away. And she does. And then we're saying bye or whatever. And then they're like, oh my God, by the way, it's our last day tomorrow for like hanging out in Brussels

because we have a flight the next day. What are you guys doing tomorrow? Then we go like, what are you guys doing tomorrow? And they go, well, tomorrow at 7 a.m., we're going to go to the European Embassy. And I just turn to my friends and I go, bet, bet right now.

No fucking way. 7 a.m. sharp. And they go like, oh yeah, then afterwards we're going to go clubbing if you guys are interested. And we're all just like, eh. At 7 a.m.? No, not at 7 a.m., but like later that night.

And I'm just like, eh. We're all going like, eh, we'll see. Whatever. Get out of here. Let us eat. For fuck's sake. Let me eat my food. And then they leave.

And we're just chatting and whatever. And then I'm asking my black friend. I go like, dude, that was so weird, though. Why didn't they like you? And he just goes, Ed, they're Swedish. Why do you think they didn't like me? And I go, ah. Very nice. Yeah. they're swedish why do you think they didn't like me oh and i go ah very nice yeah yeah and learns about racism yeah then later that night uh the guy who got the link

from the girl uh he sends us the tiktok and me and two of my other friends they ended up crashing at mine and uh I'm chatting to one of them and the other guy is just watching the TikTok over and over and over and over. And then while I'm in the bathroom, he starts busting, busting his fucking gut laughing. So I come out, pee still coming out of my penis going, what happened? And he goes, dude, have you seen her profile? And I go, what, what is it? He clicks on it and he goes dude have you seen her profile and i go what what is it he clicks on it and he goes she posted all of them oh she posted every single one of the single take was live thankfully in the morning she took them down but dude for like the entire night every single take

we took and we took like seven god was like very live in public i was i was not well i was even telling them like we're hanging out with them tomorrow some of you need to get laid because i did not just do that fucking tiktok for nothing like this something needs to come out of this like i i want i want to shoot myself because this is going to be... This is just here. This is on my permanent record. Permanent record. I just want to fucking... Am I full enough? I don't know. Are you?

Let me shake that belly around. Yeah. Do it gurgle? Do it gurgle? Does that shit sound like a Keurig machine if I press my ear close to it I like it when that thing A sloshes B percolates and C

shit do it fart do it come do it squirt what if there was a Dr. Seuss book called Dr. Sex that'd be fucked up I don't think i like it as much as you you like it everyone welcome to part two of ed's story okay so wake up the next day um and then one of our friends is in touch with one of the girls i'm messaging her like hey uh

me and the guys are thinking of going out blah blah do you guys want to link up at any point and she's being very coy like they're they're replying like after an hour of sending them a message and they're like oh maybe i don't know we're gonna get dinner we'll see we're just like all right well it's probably not gonna happen and and like it gets to a point where like fucking 5 p.m ish so oh by the way our black friend not joining us for some reason i don't know why he doesn't want to see them again uh so it's just us four and then it gets like 5 p.m and two of them are thinking of bailing and i just message both of them i make a group chat just to fucking yell at them and i tell them what i was telling you guys uh earlier which is just i didn't just do that fucking tiktok just for you guys to bail the next day we're gonna see this through to the end i need oh my god i need to get i need something here okay yeah something needs to happen because i did not do that shit for free

and then you go okay all right i'll see how i feel and then they end up you know they end up getting into line okay i end up convincing them so we decide like all right let's go to this big like area near the center uh the area is called Saint-Gerry. Feel free to find me. Oh. And we go to a bar there. And it's just, like, us four. Fucking one of them is like, oh, the misogynist, actually.

He's telling me, you know, okay, Ed, we got to figure this out already. Because here's the thing. The black gentleman, he's the other guy in our relationship. Now it's just me. So my misogynist friend is like, okay, Ed, here's the other guy in a relationship now it's just me so my misogynist friend is like okay ed here's the thing if all three of us pull tonight can we use your place for a giant orgy and i'm just like dude whatever man i'll fuck it i'll give you my keys whoa i'm sorry for being a good friend guys uh and there's and then they start arguing amongst each other it's like okay clean up okay i'll take the kitchen counter you take the table and then and then like uh and i but i told him like okay the one rule is none of

you guys can use my bed but then they're like okay so so what can we use i'll just like okay i mean if you guys if there's actually an orgy happening i could just quickly drop by my place uh move all the monitors around and then like it'll it'll like i'll put some pillows on the desk set up the cameras oh the key lights too but i figured like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then and then fucking like one of the other guys just went i love that we're doing all this shit but like you are aware they're not gonna fucking show up right we're wasting our fucking time right now like nah nah they'll they'll love to see a couple of funny guys tonight before they go back to Sweden, surely. And then I have the idea of like, oh, what we could do is we can hit him up on Snapchat again. Just send like a group picture and tell him like, hey, we're at this bar, whatever.

Like not make a big deal about like, you know, oh, if you guys want, like we're at this bar. It's a pretty fucking cool bar. So we take a group picture. We send it her way and we keep talking trash blah blah and then at one point the guy who sent the picture he's like guys they took a screenshot we're just okay okay all right simmer down simmer down that's a good sign a screenshot ain't a bad sign because because here's the thing we thought our chances actually increased because our fifth guy didn't show up and even if he did we were saying, if he does show up, we'll just take the picture without him. Because that might kill our chances.

This feels freaking grimy. Oh, it was. So they take the screenshot, but they don't say anything. So we're thinking, okay, it's pretty much Jover. And all of them smoke cigarettes except me. And we're like, all right, let's split up into teams of two. You guys go first, and then me and the other guy will go, and I'll keep them company outside.

So they go ahead, they smoke their cigarettes. When they come back, we do the hot swap. Me and the Irish guy, we go downstairs. He starts rolling his cig. And then I look across the street and it's a big bar plaza type deal. And the bar right in front of us, fucking three identical blonde women walk out of it. i and i crack a joke i say something like oh fucking like this bar's infected too right like same shit and then all three of them just start staring at me oh no on fucking cue as i'm tapping the irish skin on the shoulder and i'm like hey i think i think that might be them they all fucking just point at me and they yell, YouTube! YouTube! Oh, no! That's all they say? To refer to you?

They, the three of them call over all of their friends who were hiding inside that bar, all 50 of them and dude, you know what I felt like? I felt like fucking Simba during the Lion King. I got to see the fucking emus rush down the hill. irish kids my dad and dude all of them just fucking they don't they don't even look both ways dude they just

bum rush across the street screaming youtube can i get a leopard dead horde sound effect dude dude straight up we alerted the horde i fucking like accidentally shot the car. And so they all fucking surround me. And they're all just asking me these questions. Like, oh my God, what fish do you make? What games do you play? And I'm just fucking looking left and right.

I'm replaying like five people at once. And my friend, the Irish guy, he's just by himself rolling a cig. And in this next part, I wasn't here for, but I tell them from their perspective. My two friends who were upstairs waiting for us, they heard the commotion and they go downstairs. They see the Irish kid by himself. And they're like, oh, what? Oh, I guess all the Swedish women are here. By the way, where's Ed?

Where'd he go? And the Irish kid goes, well, if you look at the crowd of women in front of us and look between the long hair you will see ed slightly off in the distance god dude it was brazy actually brazy and then after a while they're asking us like oh uh do you guys know a cool club because we want to go clubbing and i'm looking at my friends and i'm like, we're like, all right, boys, huddle up. Let's do another dude's rock chant. We huddle up. Dude, I really don't want to fucking go to a club. And one of my friends, the Estonian guy goes, okay, how about we lie to them? We tell them we're going to a club, but we're not. And I'm just like, yes, dude, we love lying to women. Yes, yes.

So I back off and I'm like, hey hey i know this great club uh it's called the big game it's actually a sports bar that sometimes plays music thankfully it was playing music that night so they didn't fucking hate us uh and i was like hey we know this great club called the big game you guys want to go to that it's got really cheap drinks like yeah let's go so we so we start heading there oh and. There was another rule I forgot to mention. My friends told me that like, because I'm YouTube guy, that they're all like fucking,

just fucking chomping at the bit to talk to. I wasn't allowed to tell them that I had a girlfriend because if I do that, they might just lose interest in everybody. So I had to be like fucking like on the defensive, like Hajime no whatever. What's that boxing anime called? Boku no Pico? Hajime no I like Hajime no whatever. What's that boxing anime called? Boku no Pico? Hajime no Ippou?

That one. What's that stance call? You know where you got your fucking hands up? Just like dodging left and right, but answering questions like, oh yeah. Oh, you like this? My friend loves this. And then just fucking like send them their way. It's like I was trying to herd them, basically.

That was my job that night. So we're heading towards big game. And two of them just hound me the entire time that we're walking there i can't even fucking get close to my friends one of them who was to my left she's like oh uh she was like actually like asking questions that i could tell that she was like moderately online because she was like asking about what games i play and actually giving examples of modern shit she was telling me that like, oh, do you play League of Legends? Because that'd be awesome. I used to play League of Legends like way back in the day, whatever. I was like, oh, that's cool. And then the one to my

right, dude, my God, one of the most boring human beings I've ever spoken to. I don't remember her name. I don't remember what we talked about. I just know that it was shocking so so we get to big game and uh we're getting drinks and whatever and then my friend the estonian guy he comes up to me he goes like all right ed we got we got to huddle up real quick again the girl on the left can you send her my way and i'm just like oh god am i gonna be stuck with the fucking boring one so i'm just like okay yeah sure man you got it so uh i i uh the the fucking girl who was like you know playing the legends oh she also told me that in so do you guys know about the drinking laws in sweden or is it safe to assume no i yeah yeah you can assume okay so in sweden they have very strict weird drinking laws where you have to be 18 to drink, but 21 to buy.

That's how they distinguish it. Oh, that is weird. Yeah. And they're super, like you get ID'd everywhere. So if you go to a restaurant and you want to order like, I don't know, a beer, you have to be 21? I'm not sure. I'm not sure about the details. I'm pretty sure to buy it just means like liquor stores and grocery stores.

I think at bars it's 18. That's even weirder because then it's okay that's even weirder but yeah i don't know it's just so you can don't you're not able to buy a bowl yeah yeah it's really specific and weird and super like enforced and i remember like talking to her about that and she's just like oh no that's all good i've never had to deal with that because i'm part of my team's national chugging uh team oh my god i was part of my school's national chugging team and i was like you're fucking what she goes a national chugging team yeah and she's telling me that like yeah in sweden national in sweden there's a loophole you can do where if you join the local school's like chugging team uh because it's for a sport they let you drink and the school just looks the other way sport yeah and no way i was tell her

like brother you're shitting me you're actually fucking with me right now and then i point at the drink she's holding and i go chug that right now then i want to see it and she goes well no it has to be a bottle and the moment there's like goalposts being moved, I'm like, okay, she's full of shit. This is just a lie. But then I call her out. I go like, well, you know, the bar also sells bottles, right? I can just get one right now. And she goes, yeah, yeah, do it.

Oh, shit. I go up to the bar. I buy her a bottle of Stella, a 33. I hand it to her. My Irish friend, I tell him about this while we're ordering. And he's just like, I'm going to fucking time it. I i'm gonna time it because i also don't believe that for a second dude her she had this technique where you put like does she do the you do like is it like the swirl technique yeah yeah you do like a fucking vulcan salute you shove the bottle between like your ring finger

and your middle finger yeah i dude i've seen that yes place your lips around the rim suck all of the air out and then just tilt your head full 180 degrees and just swirl the bottle around yes guys because then you then there's no air so like it just drops all in your yeah i know i know this because tan has been trying to learn how to do that, I think. My Irish friend timed it 1.2 seconds. Oh my god! Oh my god. It is a sport.

Dude. Fuck you, love! Fuck you, love! Holy shit! So yeah, no fucking wonder my Estonian friend was interested in her and i was like well okay all right how do i how do i how do i fucking sneak this in and i'll be stuck talking to the other one and he was talking to the other one while i was talking to the league of legends one so she mentioned it again she's like and then i like i start like fucking saying some shit like

oh yeah no i used to play league all the time dude ergot top lane that was my shit i was just making shit up i was i was just talking out of my ass and she goes oh i've been playing since season one and then i tell her wait really because dude if you want to talk league my friend estonian guy he's unironically like a giant league nerd like it's fucked up bro he's super good looking built like a brick shit house go goes home and plays league like almost every day it's nuts i constantly see like ads from our group chat like hey anybody want to flex right now it's just so weird like he he straight up looks like the chad meme like the yes guy he looks like him and he just fucking like gets home and plays league he's fucking crazy at it too but anyway so i send her like towards my estonian friend and then the fucking the other

one turbo boring does the hot swap i'm like oh boy okay here we go and dude it was like a fucking two hour long conversation and how and how i describe it every time i tell this story it's like it was like having a conversation to someone you're sitting next to on an airplane. Oh, yeah. Dude, it was fucking horrible. And the whole time, my misogynist friend, God bless his heart, he kept coming up to us and being like, hey, do you guys want to dance? Do you guys want to go get drinks? Because I kept fucking making signals at him like, dude, get me the fuck out of here.

Get me the fuck out of here. My God. signals at him like dude get me the fuck out of here get me the fuck out of here my god and every time she'd fucking jump between us and get in his face and go hey i'm sorry i don't know if that was part of the story or not it wasn't i fucking oh sorry i'm still eating i choked on a chicken yeah maybe don't eat that chicken so fast you stupid fuck sorry it's really delicious and boiled but yeah she she fucking every time he did it, she'd jump between us and go, hey, we're actually having a very nice conversation.

Thank you very much. Leave us alone. I'm just, oh, oh God, how long am I going to fucking be here? I just make up the fact that I had to piss and I say it straight up, like I'm trying to like fucking get around my face. Like, hey, sorry, I really have to piss out of my penis.

I'll be right back. Like I straight up say that. And, I'm trying to, like, fucking get her out of my face. Like, hey, sorry. I really have to piss out of my penis. I'll be right back. Like, I straight up say that. And then I head to the bathroom. And the whole time I'm texting my friends, like, guys, you need to get this fucking woman away from me. Because, like, this is not a bullet I'm ready to take. But a detail I need to mention is the whole time I'm talking to her, every once in a a while my Estonian friend walks behind us well walks behind her and just stares me down and flips me off and I'm just like why the fuck is he mad so I get out of the bathroom I text him like dude where are you like you got to save me from this

woman and he comes up to me and he goes and I'm gonna fucking kill you you know that and I go what do you mean bro what do you mean you're gonna kill me and he goes bro you've been talking to the one i want for like two hours i said the one on the left so turns out he meant his left oh you did a little party foul you stupid fuck and i was like but but the other one you guys both play league he just goes you think i want to play you think i want to talk about league right now which to be fair made sense he just goes i don't want to fucking talk about league i don't just tell him yeah actually that's a good point and then i tell him like okay okay all right hear me out she's on the dance floor right now just go over there and work your magic he goes okay all right but like dude what an awful misunderstanding i was talking for like two hours and right now she thinks i'm in love with her like straight up she thinks oh my god

two hours two fucking hours on a table so she's on the dance floor i fucking slap my friend on the ass send him to the dance floor too and i go like you know go go king go work your magic and they start dancing a bit so i'm just over here like i feel like the the you know i feel like i'm playing starcraft and all my units are in the right place so now i'm trying to find my um either of my friends either the misogynist or the irish and i'm thinking like okay i'll just get on like the dance floor for a bit do the white guy shuffle while i look for them because i don't want to like fucking actually go like oh where the fuck is whatever because like there's a chance that they're chatting up women too so i didn't want to like interrupt or anything so i go on the dance floor i'm doing the white guy shuffle i'm looking for my friends and dude the moment i joined the dance floor she instantly abandons the conversation she

was having with my friend and comes to dance with me instead oh and i'm just oh it's too late you fucked it up obviously it's too late i already knew that like there's a chance that yeah and and then fucking dude the estonian guy is just fucking, he is fuming. He is so mad right now. And I'm just like, I'm just mouthing the words. I'm sorry. Right when I was about to leave, this fucking like Spanish song starts playing. Like proper like Spanish, like salsa type shit.

And she goes, wait, you're Portuguese, right? She puts her hands out and she goes, want to dance? And I'm just, oh. And then you said, see. So here's the problem. One, I didn't think to just say no. Two, part of me was like, oh, actually, this might be fun. I haven't done this in a while.

Because when I was eight years old, my parents taught me how to fucking salsa properly. Like, truth be told, I'm kind of nuts at it. I just learned how to do that recently when I went to one of my friend's girlfriend's birthday party. And then she was like, I'll show you how to salsa, bitch. And then she just did a shot of tequila didn't and then i learned actually dance at all she just did all she did i danced no it's good and the third problem is did you guys know that salsa songs are really long oh you know i was dancing with this woman i borderline hated for like 10 minutes

good lord and and dude she was also pretty good at it so i got to a point where like people were clearing the dance floor to get on they're clapping bro we were like there was a circle of space just around us and we were fucking b there was a circle of space just around us. And we were fucking busting it down white boy style. No, it was insane. One of those movie moments where like, make way, make way. Yeah, no, they all started clearing. Every once in a while, I'd make like eye contact with my Estonian friend.

And at this point, he's sitting down and he looks disheveled and he told me later that like he told me like i was so angry not only because you did that but also because you you're kind of good at it you know how much i hate you you were kind of sick with it man yeah that's what he said oh my god you fucking oh my god i'm just dancing with this woman i hate and she keeps by the way just uh just as a heads up while we were on the table the whole time she's asking me like oh by the way like you live in brussels right like whereabouts is your apartment and then i tell her and she goes wow that's really close she said that oh no she said that oh no man she was into

you huh so we're dancing we're dancing she keeps fucking putting her face up to my face and i can't and then like every time she does that i crack some like dumb ass joke to fucking like get her off my face I forget what I said Oh also another specific detail We were doing that salsa thing as well Where like I fucking throw her And then twirl her back around Then I catch her

She like fully archers her back Then I pull her back up You know that one That's an important detail for later But yeah and then the song ends I'm fucking covered in sweat So is she And then she goes

So what happens now and then i go i'm gonna go get a drink do you want anything and before she before she can even get a word in i'm out of there fucking speedy gonzalez just ran to the bar to get a drink and dude from the bar i i just start like looking around like i need to find my fucking friends i need to get away from this woman yeah i need to get away from this fucking woman and i'm just looking around and guess who i see staring me down no i imagine while you're fucking running away from her the fucking pizza tower theme is just playing so i'm looking around for my friend and i see the estonian

guy and there is no emotion left in that face that man has gone through all five stages of grief so he's just looking at me like you know the neutral emoji that purely just that. Would you guys believe that for the rest of that night, that lady was a bit fucking pissed at me. No way. Understandably, to be fair. I just wasted like three hours of her night. And I noticed that she was pissed at me because she would do two things. One, every time we bumped into each other outside of the dance floor, she would always say in the biggest, most sarcastic tone you can imagine. Wait, don't I know you?

Oh, yeah. Weren't we talking over at that table for like two hours? Oh, my God. And then the second thing she would do is whenever we were on the dance floor, obviously, she would want nothing to do with me at this point which thank god you know mission accomplished but what she would do is she would grab the most if we made eye contact on the dance floor she would instantly grab the nearest white guy and start dancing with him while fucking making eye contact with me the whole time and in my head i'm like wow she thinks i'm mad yeah she was she was fighting a war and you were just watching her so just a 1v0 if it was a war you could have just like gone outside gotten some bugs some paper

yeah hexing this woman um well honestly i didn't need to and i'm really sad that i'm once again gonna have to retell this detail from the perspective of someone else because I wasn't here for this. But I did notice by the end of the night, she looked like she was drenched. She looked like fucking she had just been outside and it had been raining. And I always wondered why that was. And one of my friends told me because I was telling him, you know, oh, yeah, she was mad at me for the rest of the night and kept dancing with random dudes. And then he was like, oh, my God, dude, did you not see what happened to her? I went, no.

Dude, one of the random white boys she started dancing with to make you jealous was really drunk. Oh, no. When another salsa song came on, she started doing it with him too and when she they went for the move where he flings her and he's supposed to catch her all he did was fling her oh no she ate shit and according to him random white boy flung her into like a crowd of five people who were all holding drinks. Oh no! And they all went on her. Poor girl. Oh, she had such a bad night

because of you. Oh god. You did that. I feel so bad for her because like from her perspective she was like, she really liked you. It seems like she put a ton of work into building

some rapport with you. I'm pretty sure you're the bad guy. You were like, gosh, she's so boring. And she's... And you're trying to stick her... God, she's so boring. I wish I could just fucking hex her. Oh my god. And she does all of this

to try to impress you and she doesn't know you're already here to be a pastor i'm just trying to like hey my friend's really cool go talk to him i feel like you were you were trying to be nice to your your friends and it's just a pile of mistakes that's so tough no dude that whole misunderstanding like dude you have no idea like ever since that because that happened like i want to say a week ago the amount of just hatred that that estonian guy has had for me oh no no shit dude bro i just went climbing with him. I was climbing with him when I was on the way up when we were supposed to record. He's still mentioning that. Bro, I'm sorry.

I thought you said the other one. Okay, I feel like he can't be that mad. No, he's pretty mad. He's just confusing left and right. But I just love, dude i i'll never forget that like i'm not just mad that you did that i'm mad because you were kind of sick with it like i could never do that shit just get be better oh god i don't know if i could take anymore that was that was rough to To go from Masonity Night to

Accidental Salsa. What was it again? Night of the Bjorn? No, Children of the Bjorn. Children of the Bjorn. Oh! I didn't get that at all. I didn't get that at all. I'm stupid as fuck.

That's excellent. We're going to start using that. I remembered something that gets worse would you believe that after the girl gets all those beers spilled on her suddenly they all decide that they want to leave no shit and then i'm going up to the estonian guy to apologize profusely right i'm going up to them be like dude i am so sorry that was the world's biggest bag fumble oh god and uh and then the misogynist joins in to ask us what's going on i tell him the story he starts laughing in the estonian guy's face super hard yeah and then as we're chatting this random girl goes comes up to us and she fucking like she's staring at me as she's coming up to us and i'm just oh fuck god what now and i know she's not part of the swedes because she's not blonde yeah so she

just comes i don't know why i said yeah like i i yeah i read it so she comes up to me she doesn't say hi she doesn't introduce herself all she says is um ed where's cat oh? And that's when I completely freeze and realize, oh my God, this probably looks so bad to everyone on the outside. Kat is Ed's girlfriend, by the way. Yeah. So you know what I tell her? Nothing.

You're a dumbass. She says that, and I just dude I didn't I don't full on T-pose but I definitely idle stance and my sprite stops moving I just freeze and I start freaking out in my head thankfully the misogynist comes in

and tells her like oh Kat's in Chicago right now like you just missed her like super casually and then like she goes oh okay oh my god sorry the corn that was stuck in my throat came out and she does that right to you yeah so she goes oh okay and then she goes back to sit down and the whole time like oh my god oh my god oh my god this is terrible this terrible they're all gonna tell her like, oh my God, she was dancing with this, with this chick.

And they were flirting and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, ah, oh God. And I was like, no, no, it's okay. It's okay. You freaking like, it's totally fine. And then I'm like, who the fuck was that? What's going on? My friend, the misogynist goes, by the way, Ed,

I need you to not freak out right now. I go like, what, what's wrong? Oh yeah, that girl. She went to sit back down next to her friends. Don't turn around, but they're all staring at you right now, and one of them's recording you. Oh, my God. That's how that night ended.

We all just went, hey, how about it? That's how you broke up with your girlfriend. Then I just went up to the misogynist and the Estonian, the Irish guy, and I went, hey, do you guys want to go home? Do you guys want to fucking get out of here? For the love of God. Now that's the end of the story.

Well, that was fun. Let's do Patreon questions. There's a couple here that are good. Shut up. I'll do mine first. Mine are really good. If you're part of the $5 and above donations, you too can be insulted live on air. Serm Meow asks,

what's the worst Mike's Hard product you can imagine? Mike's Hard cum. Fuck, I was going to say pee-pee. Yeah, gotcha. Mike's Hard petrol. Mike's Hard corn drink. Oh, dude. You mean like cream corn?

Oh, my God. Mike's Hard cream corn? Oh, my God. Mike's Hard Cream Corn. Oh, my God. Dude, is it just malt alcohol? We could just make Mike's Hard Cream Corn. We could just make that a reality, David. Just take Mike's Hard, put some cream corn in it. Mike's Hard Lemonade in creamed corn.

Oh, God. Who's the hottest fugly? Which one would you fuck? Adrian Monk one. Tony Shalhoub. How do you know them by heart? Tony Shalhoub is the name of the actor who plays the Mr. Fugly. He's the bad guy who becomes a fugly.

I like the yellow one with the long arms. I think he could do some fun things. What do Tony Shalhoub do with those bisected hands And the hands on he head Oh wait no Doesn't he have like multiple twisty heads He has multiple heads but he also has hands on like everywhere Yeah he has so many hands

Oh my god imagine getting fingered by that Oh my lord Next question Wait wait wait I didn't answer What are they called again Fuglies The Fuglies yeah The Fugly I'd fuck is Igor Bogdanoff. I don't know what that means.

Am I stupid? Oh, fucking dumbass. God damn it. I'm really glad I got that delayed reaction from Brendan. I was waiting for it. It took me a moment, then I was like, God damn it. It's the Bogdanoff twins again. What is this shit? 2016? that delayed reaction from brendan i was waiting for it took me a moment that i was like god damn it it's the bogdanoff twins again what is this shit 2016 okay you had it william oliver asks

what's one of your favorite life-changing moments question mark the orb that kills old people the memory in which you gained sentience changed my life forever i fucking hate this take me back to baby you reaped it from the old man and took it for yourself i got mine it's um the moment that changed my life i've already told this story but it was the night that when i was like 15 i drank an entire bottle of vodka by myself and ended up in another in france yes yeah that one changed my life forever because i went yeah yeah, maybe, you know, I shouldn't drink that much. That shit was terrifying. I feel like I don't think about that stuff.

I just kind of do stuff. Yeah, you're like, you're a fucking we ball kind of guy. Yeah, I never go like, ah, this will surely change my life. I guess getting married. I can't pick that one. Damn it.

I don't know. There's not a lot. Shelby's going to be so mad at me. Hey, David, can the title of this episode be called Shelby Don't Listen to This? She watches all of them that I've watched. Shelby didn't mean it. Wait, wait. David, can the title of this episode be Cat Don't Listen to This?

The episode is going to be Cat and Shelby, We Apologize. Hey, thanks so much for listening. This episode would not be possible without the help from our patrons, such as... DX Studios, Eric Scott Gillies, Ethereal, Fang Jade, Generic Phoenix, Handsome Destiny, Hater 115, It's Ducktastic, Jeff Smith, John Requires Lasagna, Kawaii Boy Toy, Leo the Geotech, Loudon Woodworth, Madeline Sawyer, Mr. Shirt, Random Diamonds, Ridge Schwartz, Sinusoidal, Sinusoidal, Samuel, nothing worth mentioning, Shantanu Batia, Smeet Mano, Snake Asylum, Spherical Nathan, Teague, The Frostace, The Snacksolotl, Winnie

Rabb, Will9455, William Oliver, and Winchester Curse. Thanks so much for listening and we'll see you next time.