Please Stop Talking - Cocaine and Nutella (feat. Punk Duck) | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: February 22, 2018

This episode disproves every single religion known to man and then some. Humble Bundle Monthly: www.humblebundle.com/monthly?partner=pstpodcast Humble Bundle: www.humblebundle.com/?partner=pstpodcast Podcast also available on iTunes and YouTube! iTunes - apple.co/2slCqTT YouTube - bit.ly/2sjmCAT Rating us on iTunes is extremely helpful for us and a great way to grow the podcast! Links: Smite Car: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxyXSnnMkDo Art by Madbuns: Twitter - twitter.com/mad_buns DA - madbuns.deviantart.com Other links: Also Smite Car: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxyXSnnMkDo Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm, like, so worried about my sister. Randy, you cannot marry a murderer. I was sick, but I am healed. Returning to W Network and Stack TV. The West Side Ripper is back. If you're not killing these people, then who is? That's what I want to know. Starring Kaley Cuoco and Chris Messina.

The only investigating I'm doing these days is who shit their pants. Killer messaged you yesterday? This is so dangerous. I gotta get out of this. Based on a true story. New season Mondays at 9, Eastern and Pacific. Only on W. This is so dangerous. I got to get out of this based on a true story new season Mondays at 9 Eastern and Pacific only on W stream on stack TV Hey Ed, how do you feel about video games hate him? Oh, well, how do you feel about great white sharks? Okay Well, if you have some kind of major change of heart or are abducted by body snatchers,

you should check out HumbleBundle.com. I don't know what that is. Really? Okay, well, HumbleBundle is a website in which you can buy video games and support charities. Oh, that sounds gross. Okay, fuck, well then, if you don't like that, I guess you can sign up for humble monthly Which is a monthly curation service in which you can get really nice deals and bundles for $12 a month Oftentimes a triple-a games like the most recent one for instance includes Dark Souls 3 in the first DLC ashes of Ariandel

There's not the second one. Nope. Second one's not included. Good, I hate that one. Okay, well, if you hate us, you can also use the sliders on the website to give more money to the Atlantic White Shark Conservancy, who are conserving the white shark population in the Atlantic Ocean for future generations. White sharks made my wife get addicted to crack. Welcome to the podcast. Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of Please Stop Talking. I'm your host Avery but you might know me better as Shammy. I'm joined today as always by my lovely friend David. Hello. My other lovely friend Cameron. Hey.

And the fabled Super Meat Boy Let's Player, PunkDuck007, Ed Eduardo, PunkDuck. Get him! Wait, do you hate being called Eduardo? Yes, he does. Oh, God, because I hate that language. It's just

gross. It's just fucking gross. Yes. I thought you only hated it. I thought you only hated the Brazilian accent. There's only one language, and it's American. Oh, my God. Shut up. Shut the fuck up, Ed. And our special guest, Edouard. I'm actually more fine with that.

Really? So, why do you hate it, Eduardo? It's way worse. Why do you hate it? Yeah, I agree with David. That's way worse. It's just a very long name. Eduardo sounds like it could be a Tekken character. I was supposed to be called Franciszko, by the way. Franciszko?

I'm glad you're not. Yeah, Franciszko, Francis, whatever, Frank. That's the name my parents had for me. But then they were like, nah. You know what? That is a shit name. like you know what that is a shit name that is a shit name sorry to the fish she's since i didn't mention it before that's probably why they got divorced oh my god oh ed ed i'm trying to properly reintroduce you right now hey what's up what's going on everybody this is the divorce episode? Oh my god. Is everyone here's parents divorced?

Howdy. What up, squad? Wait, really? Everybody's... Oh, hell yeah! Shout out! We fucking did it. Hey, okay. Children of sadness. That's what we are. I was gonna say, I was four at the time. Does that mean it's my fault? Probably, right? Yes. Yeah, probably. Oh, dude, I was like eight.

Oh, dude! Hell yeah. I think I was was 10 i think i was about 8 or 10 what let's okay this is not the divorce episode of the fucking hey guys welcome to divorce cast it's your fault anyways hey any parents watching if you guys divorce this is what happens yeah everyone thinks it's their fault they discuss whether or not it was their fault. Listen, I'm a middle child. It could have been anyone's fault. Statistically, 80% of kids of divorced parents are furries. Don't let it happen. Oh my fucking god.

Oops. Alright, well, Ed has burst back his grand fucking return to the podcast. Bless. Back by popular demand to share more stories about how he's a terrible person, which I guess is the subject for this episode of the podcast. Being terrible.

Because every time, every fucking time Cameron and I tried to start a conversation with David and Kyle at the time, because we couldn't figure out whether it was going to be Kyle or Ed on this episode of the podcast, but what the topic was going to be. David just said, I have a story. What about, I have a story.

Well, my about the whole day, my story is about trying to think of my stories about being a bad person. No, it's the opposite. Oh, so you're just going to brag about how good of a person you are. Oh, no.

How? How fucking endearing. Okay, okay, okay. I'm going to start, okay? You know what? Yeah, just go ahead and start. This is the story about how my great, great- Your life got flipped, turned upside down?

And I'd like to take a moment to sit right there. I'll tell you how I got addicted to crack cocaine. David, none of your stories ever end with you being the hero. None of your stories have ever ended with you being the good guy. Yeah. So this is... Mine's all right. This one, I end up looking pretty good.

Okay, but through the links... Looking or actually being? No, I have a question. Is it looking good to a human or looking good to David? Looking good to God. So looking good to Ed. Okay, so basically, when should I start this? I think I should just talk about first...

The divorce. Oh. first the divorce oh they're in mont in montreal there's a very big important uh oratory called the saint fuck is it saint joseph oratory i don't even remember now i think it's called the saint joseph or doesn't matter that's the real question kind of because it's really important to the story okay the name yeah okay okay saint then how did you forget it well it's really important to the story. Okay. The name? Yeah, okay, okay. Then how did you forget it? Well, it's because if people want the truth, because I'm not fucking lying, they can actually go there and see. Anyways.

What? Okay. Okay. My, shut the frick. my great great great great or whatever great really fucking far away uncle uh was a I guess is it monk or brother at the oratory

like it's the male version of a nun what is that again that's a monk sure it's not definitely not a monk it's not monk but it i don't know i guess he was a monk there right right and um he didn't do that mind over matter shit i don't even know light himself on fire that kind of thing apparently allegedly he um i don't like allegations

this makes me uncomfortable i mean it's not it's good allegations in the church divorce is it good it's good allegations is there such a thing as good allegations well it's because okay i don't believe in it, but apparently he did miracles and he cured a lot of people of their blindness. Oh, so he was a doctor. Or an optometrist.

Oh, no. Not at all. He just put his hands on people's faces and went, you're cured now. Oh, did he do like one of those dudes where they go like one of those do miracles miracle you guys not rise demon rise like one of them I understand no I understand the concept of miracles he made miracles happen I've had so he doesn't like yell at the spirits to like please go no no that was a funny fucking

70s or 50s I think what does that have to do what is the time well whatever anyways and he is super fucking revered at the oratory because the Pope actually made him a saint guys

I have saint blood you have saint blood I have saint blood and and not only blood. I have saint blood. And not only that, he's like one of the most famous saints. He's one of the most famous saints. Like if you actually go to the oratory, there's pictures of him everywhere. They have like wax figures of him. What's his saint name? Oh, it's Saint Andre.

Saint Andre. Like Andre the Giant? Fuck you. of him what's his what's his saint name saint oh it's uh saint andre saint andre the giant like andre the giant fucking i fucking thought of that as well god damn it shout out to andre the giant i fucking love him shout out to dead wrestlers see i wasn't gonna say that because i thought it was a shit joke see cameron this is why you talk significantly less than me you stop your shit jokes and yeah is there a saint benoit saint last time last time i went there was with charlie and they have my great-great-great-uncle's heart in a case inside the oratory. What? Does it cure blindness? I don't know, but apparently it gives good luck.

Yeah, but only if you can see it. But, like, I was wondering, do I get hyperluck if I go next to it? Because I have saint blood. Listen, if anything, you having saint blood disproves religion, I feel. Oh no. Based on your personality. Saint David, please heal my foreskin. Let me just play duck duck goose with the head.

It's hurt! What? Jesus Christ! And then heal the foreskin? Oh right! Listen, if you enjoy your job, you'll never work a day in your life. How did we get here? I don't know!

This is the worst, it's Ed! I want back! What did I do? I don't know, but damn if it isn't you let me out i don't think you can put the blame squarely on ed you can put it on his parents for divorcing just because my boy's got half a foreskin doesn't mean

oh my god can we get off the divorce thing anyways okay so david divorcee child with saint blood what is the rest of this story? Oh, that's it. That's not a story.

That's not a story. I said afterwards that it wasn't that long. What do you want from me? Honesty. Saint. Look, I'm just saying. My eye's back. I'm just saying, if you guys listening need a miracle,

you know where to find it. It's on Twitter. It's at Sherm Young Music. What? Never mind. I don't even fucking care anymore. Settle down, everybody. Papa's going to take you on a wild journey.

Okay, great. And also tell you a story. I feel like I'm sitting on your lap right now and I really wish I could get off. I'm rubbing your right ear, Avery. Your left ear, I'm leaving it alone. I didn't mean to get off in that way. So one time, I was 17 years old

and this is the third time I'm telling this story. I was 17 years old and I went to a party in Manchester England because I had yes it was yeah because I had friends and friends that went to college there and I was like oh let's go see what college

it was what the fuck I'm not gonna say it but you did think about it. I did for a second. Okay, what were your friends' names? Oh, hey, hey, hey, you sneaky motherfucker. Can you give him fake names so he can understand the story?

Shut up. Oh, my God. Fucking, it doesn't matter. Bob and Timmy. So, um. Oh, that's better. Fuck yes! So, um, I stayed at their place for like a week, and then on the

before last day, it was Halloween, it was a big Halloween party at a nightclub. And one of their roommates was Italian. Ooh, exotic. Um, so... Oh my god. And we already told you the last time you told this story that we had

to fucking delete not to mention he's italian when you bring up the drugs he's italian his name was falco which is fucking sick by the way falco's a sick name that is pretty cool that sounds like a drug dealer's name alright you know what

you know what i take it all back and he had to fucking do it to him outfit. He was super rich, but he was also a drug dealer and it's like, why do you need the money? But anyway. How do you think he gets the money? How the fuck do you think he gets the money?

Every time I walk up to a CEO, I'm like, why do you even need this job? You have so much money. Cameron's always at the top of his game, keeping me in check. That's why I love him. But yeah. Ed, you just forgot people have to fucking do something to get money. What do you mean? Because he's a YouTuber. Ed, are you trying to get yourself shipped with every member of the podcast right now?

What's going on? Because you talked about caressing my ear and now you're flirting with Cameron. Hey, David, show me that cock. right we're done yeah it's the second time you've asked David to touch your cock I didn't ask him to touch I said show me you said oh yeah for a fucking scientific purpose maybe as lumps down there God what you you were talking't talking about your penis, not my penis, what?! You asked him to fix your foreskin! With his saint blood.

Wait, did I tell you it was infec- I did tell you it was infected after I had a big lump on the side of it. And I had to put ice on it. What?! Oh my fucking- No! You didn't- You didn't tell us about your dick lumps.

Dick lump singular. Please refrain from telling us about your fucking dick lumps. Please. That was it. I mean, there's no more details, it was about your fucking dick lumps. Please. That was it. I mean, there's no more details. It was just a big dick lump. Great. I guess we have a title for this episode.

Can we go back to talking about cocaine? I like that topic a lot. Can we please go back to the cocaine? Falco was the local drug dealer. We actually, if you, nevermind. I was going to say if you mix- Nobody cares! Nobody cares who's the actual local drug dealer i'm saying maybe if you mix the letters in falco you get local but there's an f in

there so never mind it's easy to forget about the f in falco it's fairly silent god damn it. Helico was a drug dealer. And we all went to that party. He was there. And then my friends, I already forgotten the names I made up. Bob and Timmy were there too. And at some point, Bob, Timmy, and Falco were all dancing. But then they disappeared. And I'm just dancing with these two girls.

I don't even remember their fucking names. One of them ended up started dating Bob. So that's nice. Or Billy. I forgot the name. Shout out to Billy. Shout out to Bob for getting badged. And then.

Shout out. Shout out. With a name like Bob, you need all the help you can get. Oh. Sorry. Shout out to the Bobs out there. Unless you're a boobie, feel me? Actually, the only Bob I've ever known in my life was quite handsome, so I take it back. Hey, thanks, man.

Shut the fuck up, Ed. Bob's my middle name. Eduardo Bob. Oh, I guess you're lying. But anyway, Bob, Timmy, Falco disappear. And I was like, oh, where did they go? Just dancing with two chicks. And they come back and they're all wearing t-shirts. And I'm like, it's England in

November. Why are you wearing t-shirts? Because Cameron knows England's a very cold country. It's a very cold country. I think everyone knows that, though. It's a very cold country. I think everyone knows. I think everyone knows that, though. I think that's pretty common knowledge. It's pretty common knowledge.

Hey, listeners, England's a cold country. I'm just looking out for the 1%, you know? I'm always looking out for the big guy. Classic Ed. You can only know with a forecast if you've actually been to the country, by the way. There's another way to figure it out. Another way? You can't just predict that based on fucking latitude

No, anyway, that's what it was magic, and then Bob just leans me over and he's like dude Falco made us do coke and I was like what? It was like that's pretty fucking funny. I'm not really down for that. That's the most fucking... That is the most Ed reaction ever to your friend, a friend stumbling on being like, Falco made us do coke.

That's pretty funny. Fucking drug dealers. They were enjoying it. Creating the demand for their supply. They fucking know economics. Holy shit. I gotta write this shit down like i'll force people to watch smite car and then they're like i gotta i need more

then we chase the dragon the dragon of smite car too anyway they're um i'm just like looking at him like going fucking crazy so finally we they get an uber back and i'm staying at timmy's place and to describe timmy timmy is taller than me okay wow yeah timmy's taller than me and he's built like a fucking wardrobe oh he is fucking he's well not really jack not really like the the the jack like bodybuilding i'm saying like strong jacked you know yeah i got you i understand so he is fucking huge he's the guy that like we hang out with him because fights will not happen if a fight starts to maybe break out he literally just walks over and they're like we're good fuck his personality we're only there to stop fights oh no no he was a he's a great lad

i still talk to him he's fantastic but anyway what a hero but anyway um uh he's like i'm staying in his place and he goes ed we can't take the u. And I'm like, what the fuck, dude? It's freezing. He's like, I need to walk this off. So we're walking all the way home at 3 a.m. in England. And he's wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Naturally. Jesus.

The coke just builds up the heat in his body and i'm fucking i'm what i'm shivering and i'm like how are you not freezing and he's speed walking he's like i've actually never felt as hot ever in my life yeah that's uh yeah that's pretty much it just my friends did coke and i was just there to witness it and it was beautiful don't do great don't do coke that's a perfect way to transition ed saying ed telling hang on hang on a second ed telling the audience not to do coke is a really good way for him to transition into the story about how he got someone addicted to cocaine but quick thing you can't tell people not to do coke when you literally get shown no downsides to doing coke in your fucking story. He gets warm.

Probably the downside to doing coke was he was warm. Yeah? If you hate being warm, don't do coke, I guess. Did I ever tell you guys that one time I did MDMA? No, you didn't. What? This is...Lithfield it's got drugs well it's because he was talking about drugs and then I remember that one time I did drugs and it was at a college it was at a college party and like everybody's a musician so everybody already does like MDMA and speed all the

time and I was like huh I want to try it and I tried MDMA and I was just sitting on the couch. And the moment somebody sat next to me, it felt like heaven. And I'm never going to feel as happy as that time. Is that the end of the story? I didn't know you could get any more pro drugs. You just endorsed MDMA on our podcast. You just endorsed MDMA. After I thought, I thought.

Oh, hell no. Afterwards, you feel like shit. You want to fucking actually die. Don't do MDMA on our podcast. You just endorsed MDMA. After I thought it. Oh, hell no. Afterwards, you feel like shit. You want to fucking actually die. Don't do MDMA. Holy fuck. It's terrible. You have like stomach pains and you want to fucking vomit everywhere. It's terrible.

Don't do that shit. Straight up. Unless you want to experience the happiest moment of your entire life. Unless you want to experience someone sitting next to you. Go for it. Jesus Christ, David. David. Experience somebody sitting

next to you. Oh my God. Listen, if they're listening to our podcast, that might not be a common occurrence for them. Oh my God. Avery's just shitting on the fan. Holy shit. Holy shit. This is the worst. We're like...

First we endorse drugs, then we tell them where their fucking loan is. MDMA is worse than making a tongue-in-cheek joke about the audience of our podcast. I don't think those are MDMA. But Avery, maybe if they're lonely, they will try MDMA to get someone to sit next to them. Don't try MDMA.

Go to a party. Go to a fucking park if you want somebody to sit I don't know man you sit next to people fuck alright can I tell the story about that one weekend I stayed in Amsterdam once oh no

and there's not too many drugs in this this feels too many too many drugs cause there's no such thing as too many. Too many drugs? Too many drugs? Cause there's no such thing as too many drugs. How many is too many? How much does it take to lose a fucking Humble Bundle affiliation? I feel like we're getting close.

I feel like we should test it. No! Avery is driving the car and he's looking at the gas meter and the gas is on E and he's like, I'm gonna keep going. What a fucking lad. Um, anyway, me and my friends, which include Billy and Timmy and Richie. I'm running out of names.

Billy, Timmy, and Richie. You only know three names? His real name's Richard. He's like, shit., and Richard. You only know three names? His real name's Richard. He's like, shit. Oh, shit. We all decided, hey, let's stick a bus to Amsterdam, because from Belgium, it's like a fucking two-hour ride, so that's sick.

And I have a bunch of funny-ass stories from this. So, for the longest time, this trip was basically dead in the water. But then, out of nowhere, fuck, one of them was bob wasn't it okay bob messages us like you actually one of my friends's friends's cousins has a flat in uh amsterdam and he's not here this uh that weekend so we could rent it out we were like sick let's give it a shot so we message him We split the money in four people and then we give him the money and then we're like, all right, dope. We nailed it. And then we're on the bus to Amsterdam and then

Bob starts messaging the guy like, yo, we're on our way. Guy doesn't reply. Yo, yo, we're like an hour away. He does reply again. We're 30 minutes away in your applies. Yo, dude. Are you okay? We were there and then he like jokingly writes. Haha. Wouldn't he be funny if I asked him? Hey, listen, I don't want to wait outside the apartment for hours you cunt And he accidentally sent it This is a guy that none of us know so then we start jokingly saying like oh my god what if he just like never shows up because you called a guy you've never met a cunt right so then we get to the apartment and and one's there. And we don't have the keys. So we're like, you know, let's give him the benefit of the doubt.

Let's wait an hour. He doesn't show up. I think... It starts to rain a lot. You were the cunts all along. It starts to rain a lot and we're like, he's not showing up. He's not fucking showing up what are we gonna do so i start messaging people that i know in amsterdam but like they live there we're

like listen man our guy might have canceled on us quote unquote can we crash at your place he was like i mean yeah sure but like make sure you actually got like bailed on we're like yeah for sure and then fucking finally some dude shows up on a bike and he's like are you the guys like oh my god thank god where because like that wasn't even the guy who owns the place that was some dude he was like yeah i'm his friend uh he he can't answer because he has work all all the weekend we're like okay we got worried because we accidentally called him a cunt and he was like what and then we showed him the phone number and he was like

that's not his phone number so basically my friend called some random guy in Amsterdam a cunt anyway that's chapter one of Amsterdam chapter two was is this a tale in three acts

chapter two was... Is this a tale in three acts? Chapter two was you know in Amsterdam what do you do? We were doing that. We were on that. Hookers. No, not the hookers bit. We all had girlfriends. So hookers. But secretly.

But not on the podcast hookers. Hey, no hookers for me, okay? If I'm gonna pay a woman it's only for post marital sex know what I'm saying that makes sense Russian wives is that a real thing yes I have known

someone who got a Russian mail order bride that's I don't have any there's no more to that story it's just a weird thing i don't think so do they have like an expiry date like where they go back what does that mean they get like recall to the factory or something no no they're milk dude oh my god shout out to milk and russian wives i love milk hey guys let's david please don't derail the podcast even more. Okay.

Wow. Jesus. Ed is in the middle of his- Who steps on your toes? Ed, I'm literally trying to get us back on track on your Amsterdam story after I distracted with the mail order brides. Anyways, we were on hookers. We were on the other thing.

And then- Prostitutes. Come on, man. Just think of this because your parents are divorced hey that's why they got divorced my dad's wife expiry date came up oh my god can stop. Anyway. Yeah. So you were snorting hookers? Yes, all day. And doing your fucking coke.

All up in there. And then we, my friend, fuck, Richie? Yeah, Richie. Because I'm trying to keep him to actually the names of the people that they are. Richie was like, yo, have you guys ever played poop and seek what oh no and we're like we have no idea what poop and seek is and he's like dude it's funny as shit i play it back with my friends in georgia all the time so basically you just you're in a we were in a hotel and what we did was we just shat in different places but

you got to shit in like a really hidden place so the other guys have to find where your poop is and the last guy and the last guy to find it and the last guy that gets his found wins you know and we were like come on let's have some fun um what you you were down for it you were down for it you were like if I was sober I wouldn't have been down but you know in the moment carpe diem when you're on hookers carpe diem

carpe bear oh my god no fucking way you're such a fucking degenerate you were disgusting I shit in the bathtub

wait that's the worst place to shit that's so obvious did you have to waffle stomp your shit no no no no I just like sat on the edge and then I put the shower curtains on so like they think oh maybe it's not here you know you're a moron

you're an idiot one guy one guy shat on the floor but then pushed it onto the bed wait wait wait oh my god jesus christ oh my fucking god how do you get into this situation

oh dude one guy okay then the third guy what the fuck Oh my fucking god. How do you get into this situation? Oh, dude. One guy. Okay, then the third guy. What the fuck? The third guy shit on the kitchen floor, but then hit it behind the fridge. That one was the second hardest one to find. Oh, why? How is that only the second hardest? Because the story's not over.

Oh my god. Because remember, we're four people, and we only found three. No! And then we kept asking Richie, the guy that proposed the game, like, okay, it's been like two hours of us looking for it. We can't even smell it.

What? You fucking spent four hours? No, two hours. I said two hours. Did I say four? Oh, two hours. Two hours in a shit-filled hotel room. In a shit-filled hotel room. In a shit-filled hotel room. We found the three in ten minutes. Did you clean them up? Of course. As soon as we found them, we cleaned them up.

But then... They're not degenerates, Cameron. Sorry. I don't know if you just hired out a hotel room. There's still a fucking society. There's a certain etiquette to playing poop and sink. I thought you just hired out a hotel room, There's still a fucking society. There's a certain etiquette to playing poop and seek. I thought you just hide out a hotel room, shed in it, and they're like, ah, that was pretty fun. Then fucking leave.

It was actually an apartment. It was in an apartment? I'm partially upset because it's called poop and seek and not hide and shit. That's another reason I'm upset. No, because you're not hiding. No, that would explain that you're hiding and then shitting. You're hiding the shit. Hide in shit.

The shit. Here, let me type it for you're hiding and then shitting. You're hiding the shit. You're hiding the shit. The shit. Here, let me type it for you. Hide. It's poop and seek. It doesn't work anyways. I don't fucking care. Anyway. Whatever.

After two hours, you're like, okay, Richie, it's not funny anymore. You need to tell us where you pooped. And he's like, you gotta find it. A whole fucking day goes by. And we're like, we just, at some point point we're like, okay, I fucking give up. He probably, he probably like shat down the sink. So that doesn't matter. Right?

Oh my God. So. He shit in your fucking luggage? So we're, we're, we're packing everything up. No, he didn't shit in our luggage. And we're like. Wait, you slept there? Yeah.

So we're like, okay, Richie, like we we're literally leaving you might as well tell us where the fuck you you pooped okay um so when uh when we got there obviously what you do when you're like staying at a place with friends is you go grocery shopping no no no we um we ate breakfast at the apartment every day we made pancakes a lot wait hang on no no and what you'd like to put on pancakes no i just realized you fucking told me about this story one time, what you put in the pancakes is Nutella. No! No! Wait! Wait! Wait!

I just had the most horrifying realization when you said grocery shopping and then pancakes. Wait, did you have breakfast that morning? What Richie did was to make sure that we couldn't find it He opened the Nutella jar

Managed to carve a hole In the middle of the chocolate So that the sides wouldn't be suspicious And placed his shit Inside that Oh my fucking god Why are you friends with this guy What the fuck Ed Did you have breakfast Oh my fucking god! Why are you friends with this guy?!

What the fuck? Ed, Ed, Ed. Did you have breakfast the day that you left? What the fuck? Ed, did anyone eat the shit? Did anyone eat the shit? We are not sure. Oh my god! Holy shit! Okay, no, fuck this. Give us the guy's real name.

Fucking out him. Out him. Out him right now. If a man shits in your Nutella, you out the man. Hey, Avery, remember that guy that Trelli said, yo, Avery, I want to meet that Ed's friend that he's always talking about? Because that was earlier today, and that's when I heard the story about how he shat in Nutella. You didn't explain to me that he shat in Nutella that... Oh my fucking god.

I am fucking outraged. Did you have breakfast the day that you left? I need to know. Cameron, we brought those groceries the day that we got to Amsterdam. They were there all weekend. But did you have...

We ate pancakes every breakfast. Oh, fuck you. Did you have Nutella on your pancakes? Did you have Nutella on the day that you left? Did you have Nutella? Not even on the day that he left, Cameron. I don't know why you're fixated on the day he left. Did you have Nutella on your pancakes, Ed?

We all did. Someone ate shit. You ate shit. Ed, you ate shit. When did you play the shit game when did you play poop and seek we got there

the first day we got there friday we played it on saturday oh my god jesus fucking christ you ate shit you ate fucking shit your fucking friend richie is such why is he your friend You ate shit. You ate shit. You ate fucking shit. Your fucking friend Richie is such Why is he your friend?

I'm gonna love it when you're in Amsterdam. Listen, Ed. Listen to me for a second. Your friend Richie is into that. That's what I think. I'm not surprised. You're like, how come every time I'm eating pancakes

I get fuck me eyes from Richard Oh my god I have been friends with Richard Since I was Hold the fuck I've been friends with Richard for 11 years You've been friends with Richard For 11 too many years

Yeah we were gonna watch Justice League together He visited me He lives in Georgia So there you go Ed Why are you still friends with this guy You ate his shit That's a bond that can't be broken

Oh I guess Oh I'm sorry Jesus Christ Holy shit Yeah Ed how am I just I mean if it was you it would have been holy shit Ed I have a question

you know what i don't have a question what because i don't i don't know the words to the questions i want to ask right now honestly all ears honestly same i ate shit ask me anything oh my god what did it taste like Nutella I don't remember I was literally never sober that weekend so yeah kids don't do drugs cause you might end up eating so much shit don't do hookers don't eat shit or do it's a free country who fucking cares

is it Amsterdam it's a very free country you can do hookers yeah prostitution is legal in New Zealand why do you what what do you mean why do I know that

that's fair I was gonna I was gonna ask why do you know that and then I realized if that was the case I would know that yeah yeah that's the um I got one more Amsterdam story but I don't think it's gonna top that one it's about it so wait are you transitioning directly into you getting someone addicted to crack cocaine well i well unless you guys want to hear about the first and only time i did shrooms

that was pretty funny sure why not who the fuck cares it literally cannot be any worse than what you just told us it has a funny ending no no no It has a funny ending. No, no, no. It has a funny ending. There's no few shits in this. So, this is the third day, the start of the third day. It's like 10am and there's literally

stores that sell like fucking legalized. It's so weird. Amsterdam is nuts because shrooms are also legal. So we just literally went into a store that looked really nice. We were like, hey, we want to buy fucking Dragon's Dream or whatever that one was called. It was Dragon something. I feel like

I feel like I'm in fucking Majora's Mask, Dawn of the Third Day. And the moon is just a giant Nutella jar slowly spilling. I never played Majora's Mosque. Me neither. Best Zelda game. Skyward Sword's alright. You didn't even play what you mean.

Shut up, Ed. Skull. What do you mean? Shut up, Ed. Um, anyway, um, we bought shrooms, and then my friend, fuck, fucking Jimmy, whatever, he said, hey, um, it's better if you do them on a full stomach.

So, you know, we ate a lot of pancakes. That, god, dude. So we ate a lot of pancakes, and we did, we did the shrooms and he was like oh actually it's on an empty stomach because it hits you faster it's our first time anyway so we're all kind of like panicking

we're just kind of nervous of what's going to happen wait what's up shouldn't you eat first because afterwards you get extreme stomach pain I'd like to clarify that all of these are alleged acts that Ed performed. To anyone at Humble Bundle who is listening to this podcast. And if they are, even if they were true,

which they're probably not, I would have done them in a country where it is legal. In no way affiliated to a Nutella shit. Yes. Anyway, so we were like, oh, let's watch a really flashy movie. So we put on the Lego movie, but then 30 minutes in, we were like, let's watch a really flashy movie so we put on the lego movie but then 30 minutes in we were like this is i'm bored out of my mind and then we were like fuck

it let's go to the park let's see what's going on and um we're walking to the park and we noticed that richie is getting hit faster than all of us because he keeps walking into oncoming traffic and then we all just huddle together and we're like guys we gotta stop him from fucking doing that we get to the park she should have been stopped a long time ago we get to the park it's 11 a.m and then the thing about shrooms is that they all hit you in different ways i my the effect on me was it felt like the contrast slider on my eyeballs got turned all the way up so i just spent most of my time just staring at grass like look how green this shit is um my friend saturation yes my friend jimmy was saying how much he uh hated his course. So that was nice. His course? My friend

Bob What was he doing? He was just freaking out and everything. He was just looking at stuff going like holy shit look at that holy shit look at that. I've heard this story. And then Richie, yeah I mean I assume Cameron and David haven't heard it. And then Richie was freaking the fuck

out. He thought he had figured out the meaning of life and he was like guys in rooms while in rooms yes uh and then he was like guys i figured it out it's all just one big loop we're born and we just live and then we start talking about shit but then we all start talking but then i really it got really fucking confusing and i'll be honest i remember most of it but the funniest part was he started crying and then he just put his head in the ground we were all laying stomach flat on the grass he just started crying and then he grabbed my head just pulled me into his face and he said ed i think i'm going insane tears streaming down his face like fucking red as a tomato yeah and then he started like he just

started crying like we were like all right oops and then i started fucking with bob because there was a kid blowing bubbles and then bob pointed to bubbles and went yo hey look at those huge ass bubbles and i told him there's no bubbles there. He was like, what? Yeah, you just, you just, hi, dude. Like, there's no bubbles there. And he was like, dude, I swear to God, I just saw bubbles. Ed! You're the worst. You don't do that. You shat in his Nutella.

I didn't shit in his Nutella. Like, metaphorically, you did. I mean, no. You can't do shit. You got shit all up in his Nutella. I didn't put it in. That was Richie. over Richie oh my god getting you not understand metaphors I it a stone friends to the yeah you are you on hookers right now it's 420 a.m. hey hey holy shit It actually is.

It actually is. Hey, guys, take a big sip of water. Okay, so basically, you're a bad friend to someone on shrooms. Is there anything else? Anyway, yeah, and then we're like, reminder that we got there at 11 a.m., and then we laid in this one patch of grass the entire time. We didn't move at all, and then suddenly we're like, reminder that we got there at 11am. We laid in this one patch of

grass the entire time. We didn't move at all. And then suddenly we're like, man, I'm kind of hungry. I could definitely go for a bite. Fucking Jimmy checks his watch. It's 8pm. Yep. You guys were sitting in that park tripping balls on mushrooms.

In the same patch of the park. We didn't move for fucking like nine hours yep yep that sounds like they were like man i'm kind of hungry sounds like shrooms and then we went to uh the first pizza place that we saw and then we started eating it and then while eating it the we we sobered up and then we went like, wow, this tastes like shit. Yeah. Because it was a pizza place that wasn't Italian. It was one of those like shitty, hey, I'll give you free drinks.

Come here. Come to my shop. And then we ordered. We all ordered the same fucking pizza. It was literally wet paper. That was the pizza. It was cheese on wet paper. Nice. Fucking beautiful. Anyway, Amsterdam was fun. that was the pizza it was cheese on wet paper nice fucking beautiful

anyway Amsterdam was fun do recommend good times all around bless you're literally endorsing drugs right now good times all around except the drugs sightseeing is beautiful beautiful city

expect for the thing that people go there for listen if you do drugs you'll end up eating shit and paper pizza. That is true. There you go. There you go. There we go. We have a moral. We found it.

You saved it at the end. If you do drugs, you'll eat shit on your pancakes and then paper pizza. You'll become fucking Ed. If you do drugs, you'll become PunkDuck007. If you do drugs, Smite Car 2 will fucking happen. If you do drugs, you'll make Smite Car. That's all you need. I was sober when I made that, unfortunately.

Yeah. I, I'm, I, I. It is, it is very over right now. Wait, what? Ed hasn't told the story about how he got someone addicted to crack. We keep, Avery keeps hyping it up. I gotta finish it with this.

That can be a next time. No. Also, I really need to fucking pee. I really need to pee. I'll be right back. I'm gonna fucking piss myself. What?

In the middle of a podcast? Avery, hold it in. David, you've done this before. I don't need it from you. David, you have done this before. I'm going to the restroom. Hey, can you add in the b right from the eric andre show to this right now david

i would have been i would have been so upset okay walls are empty are we good, that's not where Pete comes from. You thought about that one while taking a piss. I hate you. Wait, I think he stole that from Trelli because Trelli made the exact same joke a couple hours ago. I didn't steal it from Trelli. I was not there when that happened. We were about to record something and Trelli said,

hang on it, I gotta go drain my balls. You feel me? Sorry. And then it was gone for 15 minutes. It was weird. We back. balls you feel me sorry are we getting back into it 15 minutes it was weird we back there you go that's the noise of coming back is it are we not keeping my

balls are empty line we are keeping that on the scene that was a wheeze and a half balls empty lungs empty balls, lungs empty Balls empty, lungs empty It's the way to go And explain how you fucking got someone addicted to crack

Oh wait, is this also Progeria Girl? Is this the same story? Who the fuck is Progeria Girl? What? Wait, no, you spoiled it That's the ending Fuck You fucker

Sorry, ignore me You fucker I could totally ignore me. You fucker. I could totally save that for another podcast. Wait. Okay, pick. You guys got to pick. That one or the crack addict. Oh my God, the phone's ringing.

I got to be honest. No, crack addict. No, do crack addict for this episode. Progeria Girl. But the other one's so funny. The other one's so... That'll be next episode. I already hyped up crack.

I already hyped up crack in this one. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Yeah, this little tease. This little... Do I go on to the phone? Do I go on to the phone? Wait, oh, stop ringing. Wait, Yeah, that's true. This little tease. Do I go answer the phone? Wait, no I haven't.

Hold up. No way! I'm gonna rub David's grandpa's heart to get the shit out of my system. Ed, cocaine, now! Why are you in a rush all of a sudden? I don't know, I'm hungry. Okay, dad. I'm hungry. Okay, Falco.

Don't you dare fucking call me- Oh, wait, no. Hold up. Nooooo. What? What happened? Oh, I thought you fucking left again. I thought you left again. Okay, wait fucking love Tell ya story. Okay. So anyway one time

This summer actually it was this summer. I had a shit ton of friends from my high school here for like a month So I was going out every day. We have this bar place this bar area. Can I name drop it yeah you can't find it it's a it's a if you live in brussels you know exactly what it is it's called alma it's just a little like square just it's only bars it's sick so we always go there and hang out and you know drink whatever talk shoot the shit whatever you call it right Right. And then as we were leaving, because we usually leave around like 2, 3 a.m., depending on how good the night is, we bump into a guy that was a year above us

as we're leaving the bar, and he's like, oh, hey, guys. We're like, oh, hey, I haven't seen you in ages. Fun fact, he's actually a SoundCloud rapper. Nice. Oh, hell. And then behind him, behind him, if you guys want, I can give it to him after the podcast not comfortable dropping that name here because people could very easily find my school from that but anyway

um behind him i see this fucking gremlin right i see this hunchback pale ass this is a fat person again no not fat not fat no it's Ed's ex-girlfriend no come on man I'm getting I'm getting to it hunchback pale fucking the ring but it's also the hunchback of Notre Dame you feel me?

I got you wait did I cut off again? am I cutting off? no you're fine oh god can Ed hear us? Wait, did I cut off again? Am I cutting off? No, you're fine. Oh, God. Can Ed hear us? My CPU is going haywire. Hang on.

Burn it up. I hate my life. Wait, did you guys catch what I said? She's basically the girl from The Ring. Yes, the girl from The Ring. Perfect. And then I say, sounds like you hate this person. Cameron, nobody cares.

Okay, continue from Cameron saying that. Okay. We are. And then as we leave, I'm like, is that who I think it is? So I look behind me, and then I ask my two friends, is that blank? And they go, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Fuck.

And I'm like, what the fuck happened? And then they and then they're like oh yeah she's into really hard drugs right now dude it's pretty fucked and then one of my friends said i'm pretty sure she didn't even finish high school and i'm like does that have to do with the way i broke up with her and the way i broke up with her guys you guys are gonna remember i've told you guys the story i yet no i know i remember for the viewers at home i was dating her but then uh she kept me she was french and i fucking hate the french but she was super hot so i was down with it so but she kept making me hang out with her french friends and i was like i really don't want to hang out with her french friends so since i thought hey i don't want to hang out with her French friends. So since I thought, Hey, I don't want to hang out with your French friends. Wasn't a good enough excuse. Instead I broke up. I was, I was 12. Okay. So I didn't have any self-respect

and the French still don't. Um, so, so when I, so when I broke up with her i messaged her on good old msn and i said and i said yo uh let's break up because your teeth suck and your breath smells and you're telling the story it was way less racist way less racist you're like the story. It was way less racist. Way less racist. You're like, I just don't like her friends. I find them all annoying. It wasn't, I don't like her French friends. They were literally annoying because they were French. Because hanging out with her would mean I'd have to speak more French.

I'm trying to dig you out of this hole. No. You dug yourself further in. I'm digging myself into this. I hate the French hole? No. You duck yourself further in. I'm digging myself into this. I hate the French hole. Anyway. How do you get more sponsorship deals than I do?

How do you get more sponsorship offers? I have the, I theory crafted that maybe she got into hard drugs because I ruined her self esteem when I said her teeth suck. Which, to be honest, her teeth did suck, and she did have bad breath. She literally walked around

every day with a water bottle, because ooh, I gotta drink this water every once in a while because my breath smells. Fucking freak. So you knew it was something she was really insecure about, and you targeted that as your reason to break up with her. Seemed reasonable. God, you caused a gremlin.

Avery, Avery, look, dude. When he's breaking up with someone, it's got to make logical sense. She's got to look at him and be like, you're right. He's right. You're right. I do have bad teeth and my breast does smell. If I said you're French, not exactly. I'm talking shit.

That's not what Cameron's trying to say. Oh, I guess. I'm not on your side like I'm not on your side No one is on your side Ed Yeah certainly not the French The French are on no one's side They gave up Exactly that's why We have French listeners

What the fuck You have a French podcast member French Canadian it's a French light. No, Canadians are great. French light? Yeah. It's like the trial version of French. Diet French.

I've actually, when I was in France, that's actually a funny thing. Like, there's a, if they hear you speaking French-Canadian, they like fucking stick their noses up at it because they see it as a lesser form of French. Yeah, it is. Well, that's a fucking- They're fucking full of shit, motherfucker. Let me tell you something. Oh my god.

Oh, I'm not the only one that hates the French. I'm not doing that, actually. We're good. I'm not doing that. You're not doing that? You want Ed to be the bad guy this episode universally? Well, it's cause- David, I have a question. I can't do that.

I have a question. David, I have a question. You have saint blood. Is Ed Beyond saving? Come on, that. I have a question David. I have a question you saint blood is it beyond saving? Come on man, I'm right here Give me your hand Reach through your computer. I'm like so much. Oh, no Satan has intervened Says like he's one of mine you piece of shit! No!

Oh no, this is bad. Windows is installing an update! Oh no, we have to record the outro fast! Uh, fuck. Uh, Id, plug your shit. Oh my god. Um, just link Smite Cart, don't even link my channel. Okay, link Smite Cart, finished! Mario Kart, baby!