Please Stop Talking - Coke & Poop Socks | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: August 30, 2020

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redo? Welcome to the podcast. No, that's fine. I think that's perfect. We already have the clapping sound effect. It's over. We're in. Welcome to the podcast. I already said that, you fuck. We're not gonna have two clapping sound effects how many intros are we gonna have i feel like we're gonna have as many clapping sound effects as david wants to edit in if somebody says welcome to the podcast there's a fucking it's gonna play a third one now no that's gonna be the fourth i said it you said it you said it yeah i say it? welcome to the podcast that's not special anymore

it's never been special it's been clapping well we all got our applause this is where we have the astronaut with the gun going it's not special and then the other astronaut going it never has been and he's looking at the planet with the planets the PST logo I really don't like you

can I be the one with the gun and Ed is the one in front of me so that I can kill him? No. Okay. I figured that was David that said that. Thanks, David. I didn't say that. Maybe it doesn't... That memes... Maybe he won't

shoot him. Maybe it's just threatening. You know? Yeah? Can we go on? What are you doing? I thought it was fine. It was fine until you did that. I just...

I just thought about it. I was like, you know... The man with the gun is Sam's? Wait, wait, hang on. Because if f***ing isn't a thing... It's a billion dollar idea. No, it's definitely a thing, it's a billion dollar idea. No, it's definitely a thing. I swear I saw a fucking video.

No, I swear I saw a video of somebody explaining why the fish was going No, there's just behind the meme. Behind the meme, yeah. No fucking way. Yo, David, cut that out. Ed's got a new venture. I'm just going to censor it. What the fuck is behind the meme?

It just explains memes. Is that like the before they were dead thing, but for memes? What's up with that channel that does before they were dead videos and they just talk about celebrities that have died recently? I don't know.

I've never heard of that. I thought it was before they were famous. They also do before they were dead. I think it's the same channel. Before they were famous, they also do before they were dead i think it's the same channel oh before they were famous pyrocynical yeah yeah before they were dead pyrocynical oh but isn't that like not only super creepy but also really exploitative yeah that's incredibly wrong ed are you about to be shocked that someone is being creepy and exploitative on youtube what do you mean i love love enter sex pest here.

Ed, it is, as we talked about before recording the podcast, it is spread to Netflix being creepy and exploitative. Yeah. It's just the internet age, baby. Keep up. You don't know that. Not yet. Oh, God.

No. It's already awful. Everything just takes time. Oh, wait! Wait, okay, so, you know how, like, we have Patreon questions at the end? What does that mean, Corbin? Also, this is Corbin. What did you say?

Introduce yourself? Hi, I'm Corbin, aka LaviMemes. I can't read. That's about it. Yeah, Corbin said everything just takes time when When we were talking about the kids being dead. I mean, was I wrong? Are you like the fucking origami killer? You have these kids in a pipe and you're waiting for the rain to drown them?

Daddy. Yeah, daddy is in the pipe, daddy. He's in the pipe, daddy. He's in the pipe. Sean is in the pipe. But no, I was going to say, I know we have Patreon questions at the end. But I wanted to have a fun segment, which in hindsight is probably going to get completely

removed by David. And me and Avery have played this game. Do we want to take bets on who the next YouTube sex pest is going to be? Because I have my way. We have played this game. David is absolutely editing this out. No, we're not going to start incriminating

people that have nothing incriminating yet. And what you're suggesting right now, by the way, is a crime. You stupid motherfucker. I think it's going to be machinima.com. That's a corporation. I win. Corporations can be sex

pests. Corporations can be fed of pedophiles. Have you seen Netflix? let me tell you about cuties Ed please don't how much information do you have about it you fucking pervert you fucking weirdo can you defame Netflix?

yeah that's what I was thinking like can I defame machinima cause first of all it doesn't even exist anymore well machinima you're fine I think to defame machinima you can say anything you want about machinima because first of all it doesn't even exist anymore well you're fine i think to defend machinima you can say anything you want about machinima without okay throughout this entire episode since we didn't actually defame anyone david's not gonna cut this i will be dropping hints as to who my guess is oh my god that's still a crime. And listeners will be able to put it together. Place an Ed series we think is a sex fest.

Can you slander dead people? Is this just going to be a bit? Every episode that you're on, are you just going to give them new Ed theories? We're done with the first arc. That one's over. I have a question. Now we're on to sex. Sex fest is unbreakable. That's what we're on.

Can you slander dead people? Yes! Yes. Yes, you can. What the fuck were you... What? Who's on the list? Who's on your fucking list? I don't know. I get a lot of people. Jesus. I think the next sex criminal that's gonna be exposed

is Edward Luigi. Edward Luigi. fucking shut up jesus fucking christ man there's so much context needed to understand the first 10 minutes of this episode this is going very well no it's pretty awful no it's fine david this is your favorite part of the podcast i do think it's the podcast like how can you how can you make these types of videos where you you talk about dead people that just died and you're literally just riding the wave of news coming out of that person being dead how can you how can a

person function like that and think yes this is okay to do because they like have a social disorder yeah generally i guess it's just like do you value money that much? Yes, they're narcissists. And or they have APD or sociopathy. Unfortunate. Good subject for the Please Stop Talking podcast. Jesus. When are we going to talk about stories?

Oh, right. I don't know. I just let my brain go. I just talk. I mean, that's fair. I also just have a valve that i open sometimes in my brain canal i don't think anyone would say you were you know what what i mean it's fine i already fucked up what i was gonna say to be honest to be honest i had salmonella poisoning like and i i think i just like i think i just shed out all the brain matter i had sorry guys we're gonna have to

cancel the podcast I ate a lot of raw chicken I feel that way every time I have food poisoning after I'm done shitting out all the liquid in my body it's like the brain matter's gone dude I feel like a new person am I the same Avery that ate that chicken? no

all the water's gone and what am I if not thevery that ate that chicken? No, probably not. You're new. All the water is gone. And what am I if not the water? How much of your brain is water? Isn't it like all of it? Like really fucked up question to ask. Isn't it most of it? It's like most of it is water. The rest of it is goo, like brain goo.

The rest of it is electricity. Yeah, the electrodes. Yeah. Oh, like that one fucking Jimmy Neutron episode where they go into the brain and the brain is like electric. No, no, that's Jojo. They go into Joseph Joestar's brain and they get the standout. I thought that was the Magic

School Bus. No, Magic School Bus, that's all of them. They're always going to a house. We cannot keep doing this. Doing what? Like going into people's bodies? Yes. Why? It's an invasion of personal privacy. It's so we can understand the human body more.

You know what? You know what? If anyone in the podcast ever has to go, if anyone on the podcast has to go into my brain to try and save me, I pick Ed because I think he will fail and we will both die. No, I wouldn't die with you.

I'd probably just give you an irreparable brain game. My brain would collapse on you. I think Ed at one point would fuck up super bad and be like, oh fuck, I'm getting out. Why am I the fuck up? You're forgetting. That's not actually why I picked Ed. Everybody would fuck up. I picked Ed because

if there's anyone I trust to see the shit that goes on in my head and be like, and not like, it'd be Ed. No, yeah. I don't judge people. I just laugh at them. Exactly. I would definitely lose the mission.

And I appreciate that. If I had a brain... So is it like Operation Save Me From a Brain Tumor and we shrink down somebody to go exterminate the brain tumor? Yes. Like something like that. Yeah. I feel like I could do it.

I would get... How do you kill a brain tumor with a gun? Yes. Like something like that, yeah. I feel like I could do it. I would get... How do you kill a brain tumor with a gun? Yes, typically. I believe that is the typical procedure. Well, I just... Who's good with... I mean, who's good with a gun?

Maybe the astronaut in the front had a tumor and the other guy was just helping him. I'm sure. Just CS go that tumor. Who has the best spray control? CS go away tumor. Yeah. I need to memorize the spray patterns of my electrolytes.

That makes no sense. What are you talking about? Isn't that the thing in your... Oh, it's the... No. No, Ed. That's the shit that's in Gatorade. I thought it was the information in your brain that gets passed around. You thought the information in your brain was electrolytes?

Is that why they put it in Gatorade? So your brain works faster? What? No. Do you think that Gatorade has thoughts in it? I just drank like energy drinks. Is Gatorade a living in it? I just drank like energy drinks. Is Gatorade a living organism? Are you fucking real, dude?

Can Gatorade feel fear? Consume thoughts. It's because I didn't drink Monster to go out running. I drank it to help me study. You don't drink Gatorade. That's not Gatorade, though. What are you talking about? We don't have Gatorade here. I thought Gatorade was an energy drink.

No! Ed, when you're drinking, like, Monster, what's activating your brain is caffeine, not electrolytes. Oh. So caffeine or thoughts. But it is making me smarter. It's, yeah, sure. We'll say that. But, yes, because fucking Avery, I'm glad you mentioned, no, actually, avery i'm glad you mentioned no actually david i'm glad you mentioned

salmonella because this reminded me of one time of of a time somebody got food poisoning maybe it was me it was somebody in the story who knows was it you did you shit um so i went uh not a cruise ship what's the opposite of a cruise ship it's's like a cruise ship, but it's on land. What? An opposite of a cruise ship? A road trip. No, not a road trip. It's like fancy, but it's in a building. A fucking resort? Resort, thank you.

Holy shit. How is that how you described a resort? That's awful, dude. A cruise ship, but the opposite. You know, on land, but a cruise. Do you know what cruises are? Yeah, they're boats. Big boats. Yeah, they're the opposite of a resort.

Duh. The resort's on water. Corbin, I'm so happy you're on. Oh, thank you, thank you. Finally, somebody who understands me. Low IQ place. No. No IQ place.

We're beyond these simpletons. Ed, if you think that Corbin is going to say, yeah, I understand you because I'm smart, then you really don't know Corbin. Corbin literally introduced himself by saying he doesn't know how to read. Okay, but listen. That's unfortunate, but you can go to school for that.

I forget where we were, but I think it's... No, we were in Tunisia. And it was like an all-inclusive resort because my dad splurged on this place. And we were on i think it's no we were in tunisia and uh it was like an all-inclusive resort because my dad splurged on this place and we were on like summer vacation and i kept eating just garbage just bottom of the barrel i don't care i'm like 14 so you really don't care what you put in your mouth and then oh like shitty okay weird that's because i remembered i remembered when i got food anyways yeah i don't think you want to finish that sentence no i just remembered when i when i got food poisoning in

cuba and it was because i ate too many pizza was david gonna react to uh is david gonna edit out him reacting to being 14 and wanting to put anything in your mouth what no one else laughed i really just want to tell this story sorry go ahead so i was just eating trash and my dad is like a huge germaphobe and he's like oh and you got to stop eating that you should eat like like this place gives you food for free and you're not eating the salad you're not eating the fruits you're just eating garbage is this how you want to be you want to get diabetes like your grandma like he fucking like he just went in on me i was like i don't know i was just like the pizza so i just so i just got eating trash and my dad like my dad literally almost exclusively just ate the the fruit salad because they had like a huge salad bar and whatever and then i didn't like i'd wake up in the mornings like feeling a little bit sick because, you know, I ate pizza all day. That was about it.

And then on the one time, I think it was like the third day of the resort because we were there for like a week and a half. I wake up and I'm like, oh, I got to go fucking vomit again because of all the pizza. And then my dad's in the bathroom. I'm like, OK, I'll just wait. And then he was there for like two hours. And then I just start knocking like, Dad, are you OK? Oh, no. Oh, my God.

And I'm like, what's happening? And he just comes out and he goes, I just had diarrhea for like two straight hours. Oh, God. Two hours, dude. Jesus Christ. Turns out when you go to Tunisia, and this is what we found out later, never eat watermelon. I don't know what the fuck they do to it uh watermelon yeah i think specifically watermelon i bet it's because it's very like

there's a lot of water in it and sometimes when you go to another country the water can be contaminated or just completely different from the one in your home country and it can give you massive shits. Isn't that what it's called? My dad spent the rest of the day drinking coke because when you have diarrhea or a stomachache, drinking coke helps, I guess.

I don't think that's true. I'm fine with that. Okay. David, if someone takes medical advice from this podcast, they deserve what's happening to them. That's all I'm going to say. If you take medical advice from this fucking podcast, you deserve it.

If what you take out of this podcast is if my grandma has a tumor, I should shoot her in the back of the head, then yeah. Are you dehydrated from shitting too much? Drink corn syrup. Oh, God. But yeah, my dad spent the rest of the day shitting. And then he went, I'm never eating this fucking watermelon ever again.

I'm just going to keep eating this salad. And then he instead just kept eating the salad. And now what you're saying there makes a lot of sense. The fact that, you know, the water in different places, like not the same water as what you used to. Yeah. Salad makes a lot of sense. The fact that the water in different places is not the same water as what you're used to. Salad has a lot of water. I was about to say, so he started shitting himself again. So the next day,

it was even worse. Because he cut off the watermelon and all the fruit. We couldn't pinpoint what exact fruit it was. We pinpointed later that it was actually the watermelon. Because my dad started using me as a fucking guinea pig. was like ed today you're gonna try this peach and if you shit yourself then we figured it out yeah no it's called it's i think it's called like la la turista but i don't know if that's just a fucking quebec slang for it but it's just like it's uh i know what exactly we're talking about.

Trelli's dad said that as well when we were going to the Dominican Republic. He told all of us to not drink the water and he called it something like that as well, but I forgot what it's called. Yeah, it's something like that. It's just because your body's not used to the water there. I thought it was cholera. And then my dad just started eating salad all day and then the next day i don't think he even left his room i think it was

his entire day was shitting himself and watching top gear on the tv that was on the other side of the fucking hotel room what a day god And I just felt really vindicated because I just ate pizza all day and I was like, Johnny shits himself over here having his nice watermelon. I've had to shit really bad before. I did have to shit myself later because I also

ate the watermelon and then we went, yep, there it is. Everybody has to shit from time to time, though. That doesn't prove anything anything but have you ever shit in a sock explosive diarrhea what'd you just say what that count as food poisoning though if you eat something yes that is food poisoning if you get abdominal cramps and just diarrhea usually it's food poisoning gotcha have you wait so what's going on what did corbin say have you ever shit in a sock just diarrhea. Usually it's food poisoning. Gotcha. Wait, so what's going on? What did Corbin say?

Have you ever shit in a sock? What the fuck, man? Goddamn poop sucking. What's up with every... What's up with poop socks, bro? I didn't shit in a sock. I shat in the bathtub. Like, behind a bathtub. What?

What is behind a... Corbin, you go first. No one... I mean, this is just the poop and see i'm just telling you where i shit oh it's poop and see okay we've already got you said you shat behind a fridge or something ed what is with you and just magnetizing plug up your ass yeah i i hid my shit behind a magnet i put the magnet on the fridge oh god oh okay corbin what's your story about shitting in a sock well let me preface this by saying i'm not a plumber um no you're not clearly not uh no so it

was my seventh birthday and uh it was the day after my seventh birthday just had a kick-ass slumber party eating nothing but pop tarts and mountain dew and it was like the after my seventh birthday. I just had a kick-ass slumber party, eating nothing but Pop-Tarts and Mountain Dew. And it was like the next morning. We didn't know what to do. So we went to go hang out by the sewer, like good youths do. And so basically, we crawled into the sewer. And we were walking around there for a really long time. And then it hit me, all the icing and carbonation.

It came at me at once and i was like guys we have a problem i have to shit really bad and i'm not gonna make it home and so like okay go shit in the sewer and so we're already in the sewer so i go off into this little like side door and um wait what the sewer had side doors yeah it was really fucking dope. You know, like Gloomwood? It looked exactly like Gloomwood. Those are some fucking bougie sewers. It was really cool. We were like underground. Yeah, that's why we always went down there, because it was like underground.

You can see where we spent so much time in the sewer as a youth. It had side doors, dude. Are you sure it was the sewers and not the undead burg? I have no idea. You had a fucking side door. Unlocked a shortcut back to your bedroom through the sewer? And you're like, oh my god, this totally makes sense.

Oh, the sewer's awesome. But I was really paranoid that they were going to come and look at my poop. Your friends? Yeah. Just start pointing and laughing? Like what? Like, would they judge it?

I guess. I don't know. I was seven. And I was like, oh no. They're going to see my poop and they're going to make fun of me. They're going to bully me for pooping, even though they were the ones to tell me to poop. And so I would I'd already taken off a sock in preparation to wipe. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my fucking god. And I was like, well, if I don't want to see it and I need the sock to wipe, I'll just do it in one solid motion where I just poop in the sock. And so that's what I did. I tied it up and I

just threw it. And that's why I pooped in the sock. That's the end of the story. I mean, he did say he pooped in a sock. Oh my god, that's a me story. That's a Kyle story. I mean, pooping in a sock is more eventful than seeing a badger. Come on.

It wasn't a badger. It was a beaver. That was a bit of... It was very awkward when I got home. My mom was like, why do you only have one sock? I was just like, I lost it. Okay. Lost it in the sewer, mom.

It's crazy down there. When, when can you bully somebody for their shit? If they poop on a sock. That's a really good question. I mean, I don't, I just call the guy a legend.

Oh, fucking legend. Oh, you shat in the sewer? That was fucking dope. Corbin, I love that you were so concerned about people making fun of your shit that instead of just shitting and like dealing with

that weird fear, you went, I know what'll make this normal and not worth making fun of. I'm shitting my fucking sock. And the worst part is they still went to go look at it. Really? It was all for nothing. They still pointed and laughed yeah they did are you

okay are you okay do you have like i don't know ptsd i mean a little bit issues i haven't pooped in socks since actually that's a lie what the fuck why wait is there a second pooping in a sock story there is i was at a camp and I was telling someone the poop sock story. And then they didn't believe me. So I did it again to prove them wrong. What? Oh, wow. What? How does that prove them wrong?

That just proves you're willing. It proves them... Yeah, they didn't think I would do that. They're like, no one in their right mind would poop in a sock. And I was like, well, I gotta poop now. So I did it again. I know too many fucking people that have shit in socks now

I haven't done it yet I recommend it actually I know one person cause the other person I didn't actually know the other person is from the Mandy story but I don't think Mandy was the one shitting Mandy did that classic I knew a guy who shat in a sock at a party

he did do that Mandy plays Eve or he played Eve like there's no telling oh yeah that wasn't me that was someone I knew a guy who shat in a soccer party. He did do that. Mandy plays Eve or he played Eve. There's no telling. That wasn't me. That was someone I knew. I didn't do that. Oh, okay. Christ. I don't think you can hate on poop socks unless you try it.

That's a man who is without poop socks. Cash the first sock. The worst part is the one at the camp is probably still there. What does that mean? Where did you put it? I put it behind a little bush right off the main trail. It was a ways off the main trail. It's probably not there anymore.

It's like me in the puzzle ball. Someone probably ate it. Like an animal. No. No? Or it decomposed. No, but it's in a sock. Oh yeah. Someone probably ate it. I mean like an animal. No, no. Or it decomposed. No, but it's in a sock.

Rain. What the fuck? It probably rained or decomposed. It definitely didn't decompose. The sock's still there. Wait. Well,

maybe the sock decomposed. You know, maybe it's one of those bamboo socks. No, it was a good sock. Cloth decomposes. What are you guys talking about?

Yeah, but bamboo decomposes faster, right? It's a plant. Not in the last five years. Did you know the mummies were actually wrapped in pharaoh socks? That's how they managed to stay together all this time. They put embalming fluid.

They pulled their brains out through their nose. What is embalming fluid. They pulled their brains out through their nose. What is embalming fluid? Is it like... It's just, you know when you rain out a poop sock? Oh, the essence of life. Embalming solution. Cadaver's arterial system. He's reading it.

Why are you reading what embalming solution is right now? I'm just curious. I mean, back then, what the fuck would they use cum what what i don't know cum is sticky except yours apparently david do you think that fluids were invented like recently do you think that prior to like the 1850s do you think prior to the 1850s they were like saliva is a fluid you got spit, you got water, you got cum, you got blood. That's it. There's nothing else. Is that what you think

happened? You forgot piss. Do you think there was a great fucking I forgot. How could I possibly forget the sixth fluid? The sixth great fluids. fluids i mean everything stems from that all fluids stem from one of these well yeah because i i put water in there yeah do you think that all fluid juice stems from water david uh what what fluid stems from water. David, what fluid stems from cum?

Life stems from cum. Is life a fluid? That's not a fluid. Well, life is not a fluid. Well, I mean, you're 90% water, right? Something like that? I've got that pulled up. It's 90%.

It's exactly 90%. Yeah, 90%. You nailed it. Yeah, something like that. No, in some organisms, up to 60% of the human body is water. That does that. 90% water. Up to 60% of the human body is water. Life of fluid. Well, it's kind of a fluid.

David, are you a fluid? Well, yeah. I'm 90% water. 90% of me is fluid. No, you're 60% water at most. 60%? That's so much less than I thought. I guess it wouldn't make sense or else we would all be like water people

like those slimes in those video games. You played those? Splatoon? No, just slimes. I was thinking of Osmosis Jones. That's not a video game? It could be. Maybe there's

an Osmosis Jones Game Boy game boy game corbin you have another story that you can tell right yeah i want to i want to hear the rivalry story the rivalry oh yeah there was a osmosis jones video game i knew it i'm gonna buy it gonna speed run it yeah it is a game boy game i fucking knew it it's always game boy buy it. You're going to speed run it? Yeah. It is a Game Boy game. I fucking knew it. It's always Game Boy games. Game Boy game. I don't really have a good segue for it. That's fine.

Yeah. You want me to give you one? Yeah, I do. Tell your story. Okay. Wait. Oh, okay. Yeah.

So this story also takes place. Let's see. Only like one or two years after the poop sock. What? Post poop sock. P post poop sock pps in a post yeah so two years pps i was in sixth grade i believe yeah sixth grade and i had this class teacher hated me and we were taking a quiz that day and so i was sitting in the front because the teacher would always like bully me um because she was so much cooler than I was. And so she had to keep an eye on me because I was a problem maker, a troublemaker, problem child.

A delinquent. Exactly, yeah. A young savage, as they called me. And so the other problem child was also sitting next to me. And that created some conflict between us. We were button heads to see who was most savage. And so this day we're taking a quiz and he asked if he can cheat off me. And I said no, because I didn't want to get in trouble because I'm trying to change my ways, you know.

Be a better person for tomorrow. Trying to be reformed. I just didn't want to get yelled at uh a reformed delinquent exactly yeah um and so i told him no and he's like if you don't let me cheat off of you i'm gonna stab you and so obviously like i'm gonna call this kid's bluff because we're in the middle of a quiz i don don't think he's going to stab me. He probably... Was it the 80s? Was it the 80s, man? No, it was the...

Oh, man. Yeah, so a few moments later, I have a pin in my hand and he stabbed me. What the fuck? Like, how stabby was it? I still have the scar. A poke?

Oh my God. I was bleeding. And I was also panicking because I had actually never been stabbed before. Really? Yeah, it was the first. Oh. So there was a pin sticking out of my hand and I was just. And he got really close.

He's like, if you tell the teacher i'm gonna kill you and i wasn't about to call his bluff again jesus what the goddamn shit what the fuck yeah so at this point i'm having a hard time focusing on the quiz um what class is this this was uh my science class in sixth grade science so we're probably learning about biology i don't remember no oh yeah so i'm freaking out and i was like i need the teacher to know that i'm bleeding and not okay and probably gonna get killed so i well first thing i do is i try just staring at her and she never looks up from her Facebook game. She's playing Farmville. And I realized at this point, oh, I definitely could have just let him cheat and not got

caught because she's not paying any attention to me when I need it most. So basically I end up like trying to speed through my test and I'm smearing blood on my paper. So hopefully when I turn it in, she can see it and understand that I'm not okay. So I'm writing out SOS my my last living words in blood did you wait how old were you again like sixth grade that's like uh 12 grade 12 yeah 12 jesus what a psychopath yeah no actually i think at this point i might have been 11 uh whatever doesn't matter oh my god. So I go to turn in the paper and I try and hand it to her and she tells me

no. She's like, no, put it in the tray. And I was like, okay. And so I put it in the tray and I just stood there and I didn't say anything because I was like I'm technically not going to tell on her. I just want her to see that I'm bleeding. You just want her to see the blood. And so I'm just standing there and she looks up. She's like, go sit down. I was like, shit.

Where did it wait? Where, where, where, where is that? Where did the stab you? My hand. Yeah. Like, like I seem like from the back to the palm, right? No, it was actually just like my pinky or like below my pinky. Oh yeah.

Weird. Yeah. He wasn't very accurate. That's a really shit stabbing. Poor spray control. Wouldn't let him handle my tumor. So then I had to go sit down next to the kid again. And it's just, it's pretty awkward.

You know, I had just been stabbed. He had just stabbed me. I still didn't let him cheat. You know, I still had my dignity. And I'm bleeding. So I'm just like, I don't know what to do. And everyone else is taking a quiz. So I can't like say anything or else I get yelled at. And I wasn't about to get yelled at. I just got stabbed. still had my dignity yeah and i'm bleeding so i'm just like i don't know what to do and everyone else is taking a quiz so i can't like say anything or else i get yelled at and i wasn't about to get

yelled at i just got stabbed so just be adding insult to injury so basically the period ends everyone leaves and i just stay sitting there and uh he stays sitting down as well for a while so we're the last two in the classroom. And eventually I get up and I just go stand by her desk and he walks outside. And the way our classrooms looked was obviously there was a door in which you would enter and exit. And then along the sides, it was all glass. So you could see out into the hallway. And he's just standing there waiting for me.

And so I'm like, yes can I have a bandaid and she was like sure and she got us a bandaid and she was like why do you need a bandaid and I was like I was stabbed and she was like what she didn't believe me at first and she's like what are you talking about and I was like yeah you know Kyle stabbed me

in the hand cause I wouldn't let him cheat and I was like he told me if I told you he would kill me and she was like, yeah, you know, Kyle stabbed me in the hand because I wouldn't let him cheat. And I was like, he told me if I told you he would kill me. And she was like, uh, okay. And I was like, he's standing outside waiting for me. And we both look outside and he's pretending to stab himself in the stomach. And like, he's got like two hands and like stabbing himself. And then just like the classic, you know, finger to the throat, like I'm going to kill you. And at this point I'm shitting my pants yo this kid is fucking

mobis i was also out of socks so we were having a real bad day you were out of socks what were the previous periods like this sucks bro uh and so she's like okay go lock the door and i was like i don't want to get that close to him i was like yeah she told me to lock the door because this guy's pretending to stab himself and has already stabbed me once and she wanted me to go up to the thin piece of glass to go lock the door jesus christ and i was like would you mind locking it because i don't want to get that close to him i'm terrified so. So she did. Then she called the principal. The principal came and took him down to the office.

You know, the usual. And then she's like, okay, go to class. And I was like, is it safe? Like, can I leave? She's like, yeah. And she wouldn't even write me a late pass. So I ended up getting written up as late to the next period. Wow. Yeah. And that's fucking nuts. Yeah. And so about 10 minutes

past the next period and the phone in the classroom rings so about 10 minutes pass in the next period and the phone in the classroom rings and I get called down to the office and I'm like shit I'm probably gonna get expelled for being stabbed so I go down there I sit down and she's like so uh Kyle stabbed you in the hand right

and I'm like yeah I was like I just didn't want him to cheat off me and he stabbed me in the hand, right? And I'm like, yeah, I was like, it hurt. I was like, I just didn't want him to cheat off me. And he stabbed me in the hand and then threatened to kill me. And she's like, do you plan on pressing charges?

I was like, no, I just, you know, I really don't want to get stabbed again. It's like, dang, I could get a new game boy.

If I charged him, should have thought about that. I really didn a new Game Boy if I charged him. Should have thought about that. I really didn't think this through. I would have charged. Listen, you could have played Osmosis Jones. I could have. When in Rome, dude, when in Rome.

I wasn't about to. When in Rome, press charges. I didn't really care that much. I just wanted to make sure I didn't get stabbed again. You didn't die. So I was like, no, I don't want to press charges. And she's like, okay, well, we're going to go ahead. Oh, no, she actually didn't die so i was like no i don't want to press charges and she's like okay well we're gonna go ahead oh no she actually didn't i think this time yeah she told me she said we're gonna go ahead and give him a suspension uh just letting you know this isn't the first time something like

this has happened with kyle and i was like what the fuck i feel like this should be raising more flags than just like a three week suspension. But, uh, you know, that's what happened. And, uh, surprisingly enough, it didn't solve the problem.

He kept stabbing. Is he still stabbing to this day? You think? No, no, no, no. We had, we had a reunion.

We met up again. We're good friends. Uh, I mean, you don't, you don't know, man. Everybody has a secret life.

Maybe he's just like stabbing people in his spare time. Oh, yeah, he probably is. So about three weeks. Shout out to Kyle. Three weeks and winter break pass. And I'm back at school. And so is Kyle. And I had just gotten my new lit Kindle Fire, which was absolutely awesome because I could play Flappy Birds in class and people thought I was reading.

I have just gotten stabbed again. And I looked down at my hand and oh look, another pen. So I'm about to go to English class and so I'm at my locker pulling out my Kindle Fire and Kyle walks up to me and he just grabs it out of my hand. And so basically, inter-middle school fight sequence here. Big circle of people walk around and I'm like, give me back my candle fire. And he's like, no, it's mine now.

So then, you know, pushing turns to crying and. Damn, this is realistic. Oh, yeah, I know. It was he pushed me into a window and I freaked out again because I was like, I could have fallen out of that window and fall damage is on. I probably would have hurt my ankle. It was on the second story. That's pretty high up when you're small.

Yeah, it was very high. I was terrified. And I knew that the windows could be broken because someone broke a window in the week previous by throwing a ball and it just shattered and there was a giant gap in the wall it's really cool what the hell kind of schools are you guys going to jesus the stabby ones the ones with

really sharp pencils i mean any pencil can be sharp yeah it's just like the mind shut up wow wow that was horrible uh so eventually a teacher a teacher ends up breaking up the fight and I thought you were gonna say breaking the window like give it another shot Kyle pure rage it was that same science teacher that hated me she tried to throw me out the window

I think she had money on Kyle she was betting on him uh really shit so teacher breaks it up and then we get into the the classic whose kindle fire is this and it's mine it's mine but the the password was my lunch number for school so i had it in the bag so then he gets called down to the office next period i get called down to the office and she's like okay like obviously this is like a reoccurring pattern with more than just you and I was like yeah rumor has it this has

been happening kind of a lot with a lot of different people all because of Kyle hmm maybe he should not be here but she's like okay just letting you know like as long as you're okay not pressing charges again I was like I had looking back at

it I had so many chances to buy Osmosis Jones for the Game Boy. She was like, you could probably, I mean, you know, when you sue somebody, you make way more money than that. You could buy like two Osmosis Jones. I could have bought so many Osmosis Jones copies. Yeah. Fuck. You regretting now? I kind of am.

You think I can go back and be like, yeah, I changed my mind. I changed my mind. Fuck. You regretting now? I kind of am. You think I can go back? In fact, yeah, I changed my mind. I changed my mind. Fuck that. I think the Statue of Limitations has probably ended. You don't know that. How old are you? You're right.

I don't know. I'm 20. When did this happen? Nine years ago. Yeah. What's the Statue of Limitations? I think it's five. I think it's five.

On stabbing. it has to be five oh I love this I stab someone how long does he have to press charges I live in Georgia oh right it depends on the answer a stabbing should be an aggravated assault the statue of limitations is seven years

seven that's more than five that's in Georgia an aggravated assault. The statute of limitations is seven years. You just fucking missed it, Corbin. That's more than five. That's in Georgia. Let Lawrence Lewis fight for you. I'm on a really weird weapon. I'm going to get out of here. So yeah, he ended up getting expelled. So he was gone

and I finally felt safe again. My hands were freed. I was no longer in fear of getting stabbed. But for how long? Not very long. Oh, God. Well, so he was expelled. Somehow he beat his dad home that day from school, answered the phone and I guess faked

the call or something or just deleted the voicemail. I don't know how they contact you when you get expelled. I personally have not been through it. somehow he stopped him his dad from finding out that he got expelled so his dad continued to drop him off every single day at school and he would hide and he was hiding in our school for about two to three weeks yeah he hid in the school did he hide in the walls like that one movie with the boy the Brian's the boy too was Brendan feeding him

why wouldn't he just I assume his dad was a working man so why wouldn't he just go home after his dad dropped him off I don't know cause he wanted he hungered for more stabbing. Ed, this is a man who stabs you when you won't let him cheat.

Do you think he's much of a thinker? It just feels like so asinine. Like, why would I hide for eight hours at a school instead of just going home if no one's home? Well, he ended up getting caught because one day we're just sitting at lunch and everyone's in the cafeteria it's just like different like there's just like you know the random kid like just sprinting no it was a i'm pretty sure it was raining too so it was a dark and stormy afternoon and kids were going ape shit like it's usually really loud but it was just like eerie and quiet and there was just like, like, darting across the room.

And the cafeteria. Do you know what apeshit means? Apeshit for middle schoolers. Sorry, go ahead. Okay, apeshit for middle schoolers is different than apeshit. Gotcha. Because middle schoolers' default state is apeshit. Yes.

But when they're apeshit. Gotcha. Yeah, yeah, okay. It felt like a noir film. The fuck does that mean? Your vision went to black and white and you started hearing yourself monologue? Yes, the stabbings.

It's been two weeks. I hate the smell of the canteen. There's just some boys snapping in the back. Weird kid was hiding in the Fortnite bush again. I ignored him. Goddamn Tuesdays. Walked past that baby hiding in the fortnight bush again. I ignored him. Goddamn Tuesdays. Walked past that baby statue in the... Cafeteria was out of milk cartons again.

Fuck. Had to get shot that long. Shawty city. In the courtyard. Gonna come back later tonight, bash that shit with a baseball bat. Becky never replied to the note I left at her locker fucking slide whore but at least i got my kindle fire she's my flame oh god sorry i didn't i didn't want to stop that i was into it i was like where's this gonna go i was um it went everywhere so

eventually i realized that there's not as many people in the lunchroom as there is usually and it's like all girls there's like no guys in there and so when we we grab one of the girls that's just sprinting around table to table and we're like what's going on she's like you don't know you haven't heard the news and we're like obviously not what the fuck did me spill the damn beans it's true she's like kyle is hiding in the bathroom right now and he's been sneaking around the school for the last two or so weeks and we're like fuck and i'm like super fuck he's probably planning to stab me again. What's he got to lose? I don't know. Nothing really.

Because you're not going to press charges. He knows this and what are they going to do? Double expel him? That'd just be letting him back in. Maybe it was the play. Big brain. So he's hiding in the bathroom and I walk outside into the courtyard and I see that everyone's just like huddled around the bathroom. So I walk in there.

I check everything out and he's just hiding. So I'm like, OK, I'm probably not going to get stabbed. A teacher walks in. Police escort him out. And that's basically the story. So moral of the story is just let people cheat off you. It's not worth getting stabbed. If you know that there seems that way and they say, I'm going to stab you, just let people cheat off you it's not worth getting stabbed if you know that there seems that way and they say i'm gonna stab you just let them cheat hey corbin i have a question that i

already know the answer to why did that teacher hate you she hated me because it was so it's my first year in middle school so i didn't really know how shit worked and it was our very first project in that class um and my teacher had her the year my teacher my sister had had her the year before and she got 100 on that project and I was like oh easy way for me to get 100 is just to turn in exactly what my sister did and it was a drawing project oh god and my sister's a drawing project so you just we had to draw some kind of sciencey thing and also something that i didn't notice and i did not tell you avery my sister's drawing was hanging on the wall in that classroom

oh my god dude no so i turned in the same exact thing with her name just covered in white out and my name's just written so shittily over it and i'm like boom automatic 100 i'm a fucking genius and she did not like me after that i love that this entire story started because you're like no my moral code does not allow for cheating cor Corbin, why did the teacher hate you? I cheated. I became the very thing I swore to destroy. You were the very thing you swore to destroy already. From the very beginning, too. Yeah, I told you.

I was changing. I was trying to be better, okay? That's true. You were going through your arc. This is when your character arc was tested. I was willing to get stabbed in order to not cheat again. Trial by Kindle Fire. Oh my fucking God.

I was not very good at school. Yeah? Yeah. I went through a lot of cheating and then not cheating phases. Everybody does. Everybody does. Actually, I really didn't cheat. cheating and then not cheating phases. Everybody does. Everybody does. Actually, I really didn't cheat. I was really bad at cheating.

I went through a huge not cheating phase until I realized that, oh, none of the shit in high school really matters. Yeah, exactly. That's when shit hits the fan. The moment you realize that. Yeah. Yeah. That's when you just stop caring. The moment you realize how the system works and it's like, no one fucking cares what you do right now.

If you just get good numbers, you'll be fine. Fuck this. I'll become a YouTuber. I think a lot about how my senior year of high school, I took AP English, which for anyone who's not American, AP is advanced placement. It's a college level class, but in high school. And the reason that you take it is because if you take it and then you do the AP test at the end of the year and you get above a certain grade threshold, depending on which college you go

to, you get a college credit for doing it. So it's like, it's a much harder class. You do a lot more fucking work, but the payoff is you don't have to take that class in college anymore. Two birds, one stone kind of shit. I got put in a special math class. Yo,

same. Well, I'm fucking dumb as shit. I'm horrible. My senior year of high school. Um, I went to, uh,

I went to that English class one day and as I was getting ready to leave and it was my last class of the day. So I was getting ready to go home. I was, I was getting ready to leave. My teacher called last class of the day so I was getting ready to go home I was getting ready to leave my teacher called me up and he was like hey hey Avery can you what can you come here really quick and I was like yeah sure what's up teach and he was like um I wanted to double check and ask if this was a mistake but yesterday was the deadline to sign up for the AP test and you were the only student who didn't what? I went that was yesterday?

oh mmm so you did that class for no reason that meant two things by the way Ed and you're gonna wanna beat me up after school for this because this is fucking like this is the saddest shit That meant two things, by the way, Ed. And you're going to want to beat me up after school for this. Because this is fucking... This is the saddest shit.

Corbin, pass the pencil. No. What happened was, one, I took that class that was, by the way, probably like five times more work than a grade level English class. At least five times more work. Uh- level like english class at least five times more work uh um i took that class i got good grades like one of the few classes in high school that i got good grades in i did not get the college credit not only that but one of the benefits of taking an ap class is because you have to take the ap test at the end of the year

you don't have to take a final but if you don't take the ap test you still have to take the fucking final so i had to show up during senior skip week of my senior year of high school to this fucking class and sit down in a room alone with my fucking teacher while he stares at me angry that he has to be here right now and I just scribble down about fucking Heart of Darkness

of course of course it's Heart of Darkness it was either Heart of Darkness or Lord of the Flies I didn't read Lord of the Flies for school did you? I had to I had to read like a bunch of Animal Farm in 19... I never forget the order of the flies.

And I had like this one really fucked up book about the IRA that we also had to do. My teacher in high school, my English teacher was not like... For me, by the way, for people who don't know uh english is english is my second language so it was my second language class and uh she she was

like super proud because she would always make us read banned books like books that are banned in the u.s so we would be like really like yeah like fucking oh no no no yeah no no like like bad nads books books books that you're books that americans aren't weren't allowed at one point like uh fucking what was the one it was like bell curve alice alice this alice alice through the looking glass alice no it was like... Alice in Wonderland. No, that's a band. Alice in Wonderland. Cannibal Holocaust.

Cannibal Holocaust is bad. The live-action JoJo Phantom Blood movie. Yeah, that's the one we had to read. It was awful. I had my AP teacher junior year of high school. She made us say the N-word when we were reading Huckleberry Finn. What the fuck? Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, God. She was a Mormon. Did people get to the part and stop and she was like, No, you could say it. It wasn't no, you can say it. She wanted us to say it. She started recording. So it was more like a, why'd you stop can say it. It wasn't no, you can say it. She wanted us to say it. She started recording.

So it was more like a, why'd you stop? Do it. Well, it was more anytime anyone would say, or inward, she would say, no, you can say it. Say it. Say it, come on. Jeez, that'd be so uncomfortable. It was incredibly uncomfortable.

I said it. I didn't know what to do. Canceled. Canceled. There's no recording. If there's no uncomfortable. I said it. I didn't know what to do. Canceled. There's no recording. If there's no recording, I'm fine. There's cameras in the school. It was Huck Finn. It was Huck Finn. This is the time I'm allowed to do it. I was made to do it.

Huck Finn has the n-word. I was born to say it. I had a teacher who tried to expel me for playing cool math games. What? Bitch, I gotta... Oh, I... You know, I had a fucking teacher that put me in detention for like a week because I opened up Garfield.com on the library computer. Oh, that fucking reminds me. Garfield.com was sick!

The games on there were so sick! Yeah, dude! Yeah, dude! We were doing an assignment about fucking religion or some shit, some gay shit. And I just like, I just started. I was like, yo, fuck this. I'm going on Garfield.com, man. Religion just got blown the fuck out because David said some gay shit.

Yeah, exactly. Religion is over. Religion is over. I fucking decided to go on Garfield.com and she like she was the fucking craziest bitch she actually grabbed my hand from the mouse and she took me up and she brought me to the fucking principal

and I got like a week she was like yelling yeah a week dude fuck that shit I didn't deserve that shit she called me a clown too she probably went on Garfield.com when she got home she was like damn yeah she was like fuck man this sick this sick i like the i was a problem the principal yeah dude that i had to go to when my teacher tried to expel me for playing cool math games uh was actually the it was in high school but it was still the same

principal that i went to when i got stabbed in the hand oh look at that yeah so it really is the undead berg it all comes together yeah so she's like oh you're good you've been stabbed you've paid your dues you've taken your life if you get yeah if you get stabbed you can do anything afterwards yeah she only yelled at me once and that's because i jaywalked i fucking okay she just saw me jaywalking and she started screaming at me i don't know if you guys know this but i have um i have this uh disease or condition i guess it's a condition called a urinary reflux where the valves of my kidneys are like permanently damaged and they've been fucked since birth so like my p doesn't only go one way it can go back and and whenever it does go back it like nukes my uh

nukes my liver for and i'm out of commission yeah and i'm out of commission for like a good while yeah it's not great uh it's pretty much gone now but um because i uh i need to like i think i told avery about this i have to drink like two liters of water every day yep otherwise there's a chance yeah and i mean that when i when i was getting that good practice i basically had to go to the hospital like every other week because they were constantly checking up on me if the procedure was going well because if it wasn't i'd have to get operated again and um uh one of the classes that i started having in one of my late years of high school physics um i had this teacher that had been teaching me since i was a fucking 12 years old and i was 17 at this point and we

got a substitute guy that i always had a feeling he didn't like me and uh i was like uh one time the physics lesson was when i had to go to the hospital to get uh checked out and the way they do it is with the um it's it's the same shit that they do for pregnant women. Sonar? No. Ultrasound? Yeah. Ultrasound. Yeah, they had to do an ultrasound on my kidneys

to check if everything was fine. So then I like tell the guy like, oh, hey, I need it. Sorry, I need to leave. Sorry, I have like a slip. I need to go to the hospital. And then he just asked me like, oh, what are you doing?

And I went, oh, I'm getting an ultrasound for my kidneys. And then he went, oh, you're getting an ultrasound? What are you doing and i went oh i'm getting an ultrasound for my kidneys and he went oh you're getting an ultrasound what are you a pregnant woman you got a vagina down there and i was like no i could die i have to go yeah he was just an asshole i don't know why he hated me so much dude i had a fucking i had a i had a teacher i Dude, I had a fucking... I had a teacher. I had a Belgian teacher that was teaching French. And he called me a faggot once.

And I was like... Like in French? Yeah, and I was like, what the fuck? No, that's pedophile. No, pédé is faggot. Is it? Yes. He called me tapette.

Oh, that's the same thing then yeah maybe yeah and i was like what the fuck and he he was like telling to he was like he was such a fucking clown he was like going around the classroom and just being like oh he's he's a faggot he's a faggot i was like what the fuck is happening here i put it in i don't remember why he was just an asshole that's definitely bad oh i didn't know that was also that okay well yeah he called me that and i was like that's fucked yeah that's that's like you can't fire for that i yeah i hang on i'm sorry this is just this is something that's happening right fucking now mandy's messaging me he just messaged me is it raining or windy i'm in darkness inside my closet and i said yes

also what he's probably recording no he's not because he records at his desk he responds oh the maintenance guy called out and i'm hiding in the closet little does he know i'm here he's using my fucking soap but i thought the rattling might have been hit might have been him Wi-Fi bad in the closet. Couldn't check whether. Jesus fucking Christ. He's a strange man. What a strange fucking man, dude. I don't know. You never know what the maintenance man

is capable of, man. Maintenance people are capable of shit, dude. Also, I'm reading these messages on the podcast say hello so i've been going out when i think i've given context this basically friends are back in town because of confinement blah blah we've been going out a lot um last time we went out we decided hey let's mix it up a little bit because we've been going out a lot let's not go

to the the bar zone that has like a plaza where we just sit down we have access to everything and uh the prices are really good you can get like this thing called a meter where it's literally a meter of cups and it's yeah i know what those are it's 19 euros and it's about like 25 cups of 33 centiliters each. It's a fantastic deal. So we just get rounds of that. And we went, hey, that sounds great. Let's stop doing that.

Let's go downtown instead where there's like way more restrictions and it just sucks. I don't know who had that idea, but one of my friends did. So they're all, they all live on like the other side of Brussels. So they're all pre-gaming, but they said, yeah, just meet us there. So I started heading there and they said,

we're going to be like five minutes late. Cause there was like a traffic jam. And I was like, all right, cool. I get to the bar that we always go to and no one's there. So I go to the bar, like next to it. And I go, Hey, what happened to that place? And he went, Oh, that closed a month ago. So I went, okay,, bad start. And then they get here and they go, what the fuck's going on? And I go, well, it turns out it closed a month ago, like our favorite place. They went, huh. All right. Let's just sit down here then. We're a group of six. We sit down. Instantly, a group of cops come over and we're like, oh, boy, it's because fucking Nash is here. Nash is black, by the way. But no, it wasn't him. It was

they just came over and they went, you can't sit down together. And we were like, because of Nash? And they went, no, you're over five. Because apparently in town, you can't sit down in a table with more than five people. Yeah, that's been the rule around here as well. So we go, okay, let's just separate the tables and we'll have to yell at each other if we ever have to talk to each other from the other table. That's fine. And then we go, this kind of sucks.

Let's just go to a bar that has like happy hour, happy hour on right now. So we get up and we leave. And then we go to that bar. Turns out ever since confinement started, they can't do happy hour anymore. So we go, ah, fuck it. Let's just get a beer. I don't care. And they go, um, uh, yeah, that'll be a 450 please for one and we go uh

i guess i'll get one fuck it and then we go to sit down and only me and two of my friends can sit down because they're out of chairs and there's like another confinement rule where there can only be an x amount of chairs outside for the bar. So we go, Jesus Christ. So at this point, none of us are drunk. We go to a different place that doesn't have seats outside, but their beer is six euros a beer. By the way, six euros is about eight dollars. Fuck me, dude, six euros.

It's about eight dollars, US dollars at least. Yeah, it's fucking, dude, it's fucking, that means it's like $10 a beer. For Canada?ada yeah it's fucking nuts that's so at this point only my friend phil and another guy get a beer because everybody else is like fuck this let's just go to the bar place we always go to like we just give up so at this point we go let's just go to the place we should have fucking gone to in the first place because everything here sucks um but none of us are drunk and the bars are going to close in an hour. So we're definitely not going to get drunk within the hour.

And I could be like impossible. So my friend James makes a phone call and I'm like, what was that? It's like, oh, I just ordered something. Oh, OK. Not beer, by the way. And I went, OK, sketchy. But in my head, I go, oh, he probably got like a weed dealer or something. So we pack up. We go to the bar place whatever uh we order like three meters on the spot so to try to try like

because like in an hour everything's gonna close because usually everything's open till fucking i feel that till fucking like 5 a.m but in an hour we're done so we order three meters on the spot we sit down we start drinking we just start pounding them back. And then James like taps me on the shoulder and he goes, he's here. And I go, okay, I don't know what this means. That's ominous as fuck. Incredibly ominous. So then we just go.

But like because at this point, because like nobody went to town. We were morons. But when we got to this bar place, like everybody from our like our friend group was here. We were morons. But when we got to this bar place, everybody from our friend group was here. We were around 20 people. They were all here. So I kind of just got lost in the shuffle from sitting down at the bar to going to these benches that are a little bit more on the outskirts. We usually migrate there to just finish up, and then we get an Uber and we go home. So in the transition from bar to benches i lose track

of where everyone is so i end up just sitting next to these like two girls and this other guy i don't even remember their names but they were like friend of friends so we were just talking and chilling jamming to music and then james and phil and four of my other close friends come back and i'm like what the fuck just happened and they went don't don't ask and i'll go okay so then i'm just sailing i'm chilling i'm talking talking in ash again and he's like telling me uh he's a he's a music producer as well and he's just like telling me about all this stuff he's doing and i'm like oh yeah that's sick that's sick they're really passionate about what you do he's like yeah yeah and then james brushes over and he taps on the shoulder and he goes oh i gotta go and then i go what what is going on what are you doing

and then exactly like that instagram guy who hates the military he goes cocaína oh my god oh no so you're so mad that you didn't get to get drunk you just started snorting coke i mean i was sad that i didn't get drunk too but i'm not gonna start doing fucking cocaine i'm never fucking touching cocaine by the way that shit is sketchy and that's the heart disease drug so i'm like i mean most hard drugs are fucking sketchy so eventually like kind of panicking when i go all right have fun and he went no no come with and i'm like oh god so i go with them and they just crowd around a fucking credit card that james is holding while phil keeps telling me dude you gotta fucking watch because now i understand why And they just crowd around a fucking credit card that James is holding.

While Phil keeps telling me, dude, you gotta fucking watch Peaky. Because now I understand why Nash sounded so passionate about his fucking job. That's because he was fucking coked up. And Phil's telling me, Phil's driving me by the fucking collar and he's going, you have to watch Peaky Blinders. Oh, give me a second. Dude, it's so good jesus christ i am so uncomfortable that's fucking nuts dude i don't understand what that adds an entire new dimension to the part of this story you told me earlier which is what which is a picky boy which is a people kept fighting. Yeah.

Yeah. The fights kept breaking out and then Phil would just grab all of them by the collar and go you're behaving like a fucking child. Oh Jesus. That shit was wild. And then I just said oh man it's getting late. It was like midnight. I gotta catch an uber i was just so fucking uncomfortable like everybody just doing a fucking key and i was just there like

holding a beer that shit was just god i'm getting a head rush just thinking back to like that fucking moment i started like stressing out like i don't want to i don't want to get stabbed because that sounded like a stabbing just waiting to happen that's the fucking theme this episode stabbing yeah thank you for understanding my pain i love that the way ed's potential stabbing starts is a bunch of people doing fucking cocaine which is like yeah that's probably how a stabbing starts how corbin actually started was let me cheat on your test or I will stab you. Middle school. Fucking middle school. It wasn't even a test, it was a quiz.

Oh, sorry, Corbin. Did you get a good grade? No, I was like borderline failing in that class. I don't know why he wanted to cheat off me. You should have let him cheat. Bring him down with you. Actually, that's not true. I made hundreds on all my quizzes and tests in that class.

It was the homework that fucked me. Oh, you were like me. Yeah. Everybody was like that. Fuck homework. I ain't doing work at home. Whoa, she gave me zeros on completion grades. This teacher actually fucking hated me.

Did you complete the homework? Yeah, I bubbled all the answers. And she would give me zeros. I remember one time I turned in a completion work, a completion grade thing, that I actually did, and she opened, she was maintaining eye contact with me as

I handed it in, opened it up, flipped it to a random page, and she goes, the first problem I read is incorrect. That means they're all incorrect you get a zero she did that to no one else only me I had a math teacher do that to me I had a math teacher do that exact same fucking shit to me I

never fucking did homework in high school except one time I did homework in my math in one of my math classes and it was the first time I had done homework all year and I turned it in and he looks at it and he goes I can see that number that problem number three is wrong zero and i'm like you're okay you're confirming that i'm never going to do it again like you know that right i used to just never do my fucking homework and then go to detention and that was when i started

listening to ping floyd and i would just like when they wouldn't they would make you write like i will do my homework and i will do my homework and i would just instead of writing that i would write i am not a machine a hundred times yeah i was super fight the power when i was in high school. Bro, I bet you loved Pink Floyd's the We Don't Need No Education song. Oh, fuck. My microphone just fell. Oh my God. What is happening?

But yeah, I just wanted to conclude that if I hadn't gotten lost in the shuffle and started just talking to people I've never met, either two things would happen i would have either done coke against my will or i would have like just made everything really weird for them so i'm just i'm actually glad i got lost in the shuffle because then that that sent to be fair that did send james the message of oh he probably doesn't want to do coke so good instincts j James. Good shit, James. Shout out to James, homie.

Yeah, he is. I'm sure David's cutting that because this is an incredibly boring conversation. Fair enough. Patreon questions. Speaking of boring conversations. But now we have to keep the other part. No, you can just keep the end of it, where I say it's boring. Yeah, just keep the end of it, yeah.

If you're part of the $5 and above tiers, you can ask questions on Patreon, Q&A, blah, blah, blah. No, they don't. I get people ask me on Patreon, in my DMs, where do I, how do I, what tier I need to be. You say, read the tiers, retard. I'm nice. I don't say that David if they're DMing you on Patreon they are actually fucking stupid they are one step away from just reading

what how it works it's there it's public information it's on the tears what about the Patreon subscribers that can't read your song Corbin asks. I don't want to ask a question. This one is going to be so fucked up. Kane Dingo asks,

if you could legally murder one person, who would it be and why? I'm not incriminating myself. I would never kill anybody. I would kill David. That's not true. I wouldn't kill David. I would kill Cameron. Ooh, i would kill david that's not true i wouldn't kill david i would kill cameron oh i would kill why would i kill cameron oh right he asks why because then i don't think we'll have a weak link on the of a person who never shows up on time

that's not he's not weak he's a weak link for showing up on time. He's not a weakling, David. Weren't we supposed to have Cameron on this episode? Well, that wasn't, no, that wasn't because of him not showing up. No, that's not, that's not. I'm making a joke. Okay, cut me correcting him. I want Cameron to be mad at us later. A joke that literally three people would get.

Yeah, but I want Cameron to be mad at me later. I've never seen Cameron mad. He takes so David that's where you splice in audio baby going oh that's crazy Ed I'm sure you have plenty of audio of me going oh that's crazy Ed I got it now got it now

I don't think I'd ever kill anyone wait is it people we have killed? I mean, you know... What? Oh, one to kill. Okay, never mind. Yeah, if you could legally murder one person, who and why?

The thing is, you get stabbed once, and then you get the fear of death. You get the murder pass. Oh, you went the other way with this. Oh, God. Is the murder pass like the inward pass where it's like a consumable? Yes.

Gotcha. The inward pass is consumable? Yeah, it's like a one-time use thing. If you've ever been given the inward pass and you just kept saying it, you fucking, you fucked it. No, not only, I mean...

That shit's a potion. None of them are permanent. None of them are permanent. It's like a big slur. The best case scenario inward pass you're going to have has an expiration date, but most of them are by uses of them it's like a permanent like the the best case scenario n-word pass you're gonna have has an expiration date but most of them are by uses yeah i see and almost all of them are one time yeah i i took a child development class and i had to read a whole article on n-word passes for school that's not real it was no i'm not joking it was talking

about like no kids are getting bullied in today's world and it was no i'm not joking it was talking about like no kids are getting bullied in today's world and it was like one cause of bullying is called an inward pass okay so we have an actual inward pass expert on the on the podcast corbin can you educate the masses on the inward pass well the the problem wasn't the inward pass itself, it was the counterfeits. And they were getting out of hand. The economy of inward passes is a fucking problem. Oh, it was bad. Oh, Jesus Christ.

What the fuck? The fucking transmorphers of inward passes destroying the economy. Oh, fucking hell. I ended up writing a paper about how it would actually just correct itself because eventually, you know, no one's going to respect an inward pass

if they're all being fake. Corbin, stop. Ed kept choosing the good questions off the air and answering them when we had banter I got really mad we wasted like actually the best Patreon question segment since DSP

lived with Dimitri oh come on it wasn't that good no I said since it wasn't that good I know oh okay right someone unironically asks what do you like more Lord of the Rings or Star Wars? These notes.

I want to, hang on, I want to read out this question because there's an implication to this that I think is really fucked. Purple Cucumber asked, alright boys and boyettes, what's the furthest you've ever gone to get laid? If Brendan is there, if you've only been with your

girlfriend, then what's the furthest you've ever gone to get some sweet brendan is there if you've only been with your girlfriend then what's the furthest you've ever gone to get some sweet succulent snack what what the fuck what what um i mean i think i know what he's saying i do but why is it why is the assumption saying it like this what is the assumption that wait no has brendan confirmed that he's never had sex with anyone for this girlfriend i think he has oh i think he has maybe brendan is a fucking virgin no but i'm pretty sure he has but i'm not sure but that is but I'm not sure. But that is still weird. I can't remember. What is the first... I mean, yeah, it's still weird. I have gone to get laid.

Yeah, no, I can definitely answer this. Like, the most desperate thing I've done. Yeah, let's go with that. Most desperate thing you've done. I think I might win this. I mean, the thing is... Oh, this might get into fucking weird territory if I talk about that. Oh, I got one.

Go ahead, Ed. This one, I guess it ties into getting laid, but this is the most desperate I've been with trying to get a... Yeah, no, no, it ties in. This is me trying to get a girl to come over to my place. I was just talking to her and the conversation was trying to get hot and sweaty. And then... I think it's hot and heavy.

Hot and heavy, yes. That's the actual term. And then I was like, ooh, actually, if I want to get her to come over to my place and have sex, what really gets girls going is pictures of penis. But then I sent one, and then she sent some back.

Not of her penis, but of her naked. And then I was like, oh, shit. She still doesn't sound too keen on doing the trek over to my place. So how do I extra convince her? Oh, I'll know. trek over to my place. So how do I... How do I extra convince her? Oh, I'll know. A video of my penis. So I took a video of my penis doing what I assumed she would like.

And then when I went to send it, it told me it was too heavy. So the most desperate thing I've done is I paid for Discord Nitro to send a video of my cock. Oh my god. Wow. And then she left me on red and then she woke up and she went, oh, sorry, I was asleep. Oh my god. I'm demisexual, so I can't, I don't really have a story like that.

Okay. I got in a fight with my girlfriend the other day because she didn't have gushers. I don't know what a gusher is. So that went over my head. It's like a candy. It's like a gummy that has goo in the middle. It's a goo gummy. They're really good. Is that sex?

I don't know if that's an answer to the question, Corbin. It's not an answer to the question at all. It's a succulent snackage. I always wanted gushers but they they didn't exist here yeah my parents never bought me gushers man most desperate thing no i mean they literally didn't exist here that's the thing most desperate thing i've ever done to get laid was uh one time i drove three hours to the tiny town that someone i knew in college lived in to visit for a few days you drove three hours

texas is a big fucking state no but to get laid well in to visit for a few days. You drove three hours? Texas is a big fucking state. No, but to get laid? Well, I stayed there for a few days. But yeah, no, I know. Did you get laid? Yeah, I did. Oh, well, at least you got laid. I fucking paid for Discord Nitro and I got nothing. Yeah, you suck. I didn't get my Gushers.

Imagine paying for Discord Nitro. Fuck this life. I send videos of my coshers no sacks you just use like google drive and get her going here open this google drive link and look at my cock i mean that's kind of that's kind of a pretty baller play though like yeah my dick was too big for yeah regular yeah too heavy leo campbell asks when he one of you gets elected president who would it be and how much of a shit show is it mandy can we do guests as well okay no

mandy yes mandy absolutely mandy it's mandy and um i think the country either goes into unprecedented prosperity or collapses entirely and And there's no in between. I think the first thing... Either way, it's a fun time. I think the first thing to collapse would be the economy. A hundred percent. Economy's fucked. Who's his VP? He can elect anyone.

No, no, no. He already knows about economy shit, right? He fucking did the... He sold rocks. Yeah. I thought Avery sold rocks. There was a rock economy. I think I would be like his economic advisor.

But his... Which means the economy would absolutely collapse. Because I crashed that economy by counterfeiting. But that's not important. I think his VP would be Dimitri. Because Dimitri is kind of like his Igor. He's his right hand man, right? We gotta fit DSP in there. How do we fit DSP in?

He's Secretary of Defense, baby. There was nothing I could do. man right okay we gotta fit dsp in there how do we fit dsp any secretary of defense baby there was nothing i could do i had to bomb the children i was holding nuke they just had to press block fucking since the command over the airwaves online play only the shitty man flying oh god I made my boss eat a banana peel on stream what? last night yeah was it good? the banana peel? no he almost threw up someone gave him 100 bits and he ate a banana peel

100 bits? y'all cheating I was like wow I would have not done that a dollar yeah at least 2 dollars like fuck man I ain't a I ain't a banana hoe I'm not a a banana hoe. You're a bit of a banana hoe. I'm not a fucking banana hoe.

Take it back. It's just the peel. So you could do the Jeff Smith one. Which one is that? If you could remove a single mechanic, story element, character, etc. from one of your favorite games to make it better, what game would you pick and what would you remove? I would remove Disney from Kingdom Hearts.

Is that like... What? Wow. To make it better? So what's left? Sora? Sora! Sora and Grunting. Mickey! Riku has

bugs in him! Children, Grunting, and David. That's why he wants the Disney gone. The Disney characters don't grunt as much. I'd remove the sneak mechanic. No, they go like... Yeah, so they don't grunt as much I'd remove the sneak mechanic no they don't

they go like yeah so they don't grunt no you remove Winnie the Pooh from Kingdom Hearts that's what China did he was removed in China yeah

nah in China they didn't remove it he was just an orb of light yeah yeah he was just an orb of light enlightenment

there's things I would add to Chicken Little oh I got a good one I would add to Chicken Little. Oh, I got a good one. I would remove every cheap character from Tekken 7. So it's just King? The ones I lose to, yes. Yeah.

Oh, I know what I would do. I would remove every gun that wasn't a R8 or an XM from CSGO. That actually makes it a perfect game. Yeah, even the playing field. I would just remove Master Chief from Halo. I want to makes it a perfect game. Even the playing field. I would just remove Master Chief from Halo. I want to see how that plays out. Well, they already did that in Reach. Unless he was in Reach, I'd never finish the campaign.

Oh, so he technically wasn't in it. He was in it. Technically. It was an Easter egg. It's technically in the game, David. What if they made a game that wasn't in Halo? I don't have an answer for this one fuck me I fucking hate you David

you're so annoying it's not true what did I do? I'm so confused what is happening can I podcast again one of your favorite games

I can remove one thing. One of my favorite games. I can remove one thing from one of my favorite games. I would remove the smart pistol from Titanfall. Fuck that thing. Oh, that's a good one. I would remove the Little Mermaid segments from Kingdom Hearts. God fucking damn it. Shut up about Kingdom Hearts.

No, but that's an actual problem with that game. That part sucks. No one cares. It's like a rhythm minigame shit. I care. I care. I care and I hate it. Hello, I'm Mr. Gamerman and I snort rocks. I would remove the water temple from Ocarina of Time.

It's not even that bad. Jeez. Oh my God. No, I'm saying it. Fuck it. I would remove Shiva from Resident Evil 5. Ha ha ha! Alan Diver, Alex Steer, Ark, Buckshot Papaya, Dax Ritchie, Destrick Gothroy, Devin the Sauce, Dreams of Ice, Ducky Madness, Dascala, Eric Scott Gillies, Generic Phoenix, IK Benjam,

Jeff Smith, Manuel Martinez, Marco Sotelo, Miyako, Notoriety, Pyro Pat, Rad Jackal, Rison, Looking Fresh Though, Seeyong, Sky, Spencer, Spooky Ghost, Teague, That Man, The Ultimate Lifeform, Shadow the Hedgehog, Creation of Gerald Robotnik and Black Doom, and Protector of this Damn Planet, Travis Vapes, Unarmed Toaster, Vandrick, Warped Observer, and William Oliver. Thanks so much and we'll see you next time.