Please Stop Talking - Colloquial Metaphor | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: October 12, 2018

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This is the ad read? Yes! Are you shitting me right now? Oh, it's starting! Oh my god! Welcome to the podcast! Yay! Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of Please Stop Talking, a serious podcast

about serious issues. Our topics for this week are the resignation of non-HLAD Nene over the Gupta scandal in welcome to another episode of please stop talking a serious podcast about serious issues our topics for this week are the resignation of non-h lad nene over the gupta scandal in south africa the couple in mexico arrested for pushing a baby stroller full of human body parts and the ongoing existence of star wars the last jedi i'm your host avery but you might know me better as shammy and i'm joined today by world-renowned professor of poli-sci and ethics, Cameron. Oh my god, I got the first billing. Look at me. I'm moving on. Notorious pedophile, David Tremblay. Please.

And gaming YouTuber, PunkDuck. How are y'all doing tonight? I might as well be a pedophile. Oh my god. I'm glad we get such differing opinions for our political podcasts, you know. Pedophiles need a voice too, you know. I agree. We had no transition between the ad. And touch them.

Wow, Ed. Yeah. Well, anyways. Jesus. I've got. I've got. You're going to follow that one up, Avery? Jesus. I've got... I've got... Are you going to follow that one up, Avery? Jesus.

I forgot what I said. Of course you did. I feel like you blacked out for a few minutes there. That went for a while. Yeah. A little bit concerning. That's what they said. I think I'm going to have to cut, like, maybe 15 minutes.

Avery, you walked right into that one. I fucking hate you. What happened? Nothing happened. I didn't say anything. Don't worry. Oh, don't worry. Not Cameron.

David, I'm sure you'll be intimately familiar with what Ed said while editing this episode. What the fuck? Don't worry about it. We're trying to move on i'm trying to fucking i had a fucking family a couple weeks ago uh because my grandmother was my grandmother's birthday and it was 80 so it was a big one so my immediate family was there and also some of my extended family was there. And, um, one of those people was, uh,

my, my aunt, uh, my aunt was there and everyone was, had been drinking some wine. Uh, the adults had been drinking some wine, no underage drinking.

Um, what kind of wine? It was red wine. Cause I wasn't having any, cause I didn't feel like it. Fair enough. Yeah. One of those.

And they were complete, they weretalking white wine the entire time. And I was like, white wine's not even... You're going to say white people. No, no, no. They were white people. Let me get that straight. No, they were shit-talking white wine the entire time. And I was like, white wine's not even here.

What are you doing? So, anyways, we had been... I was sitting, like, I was just hanging out in the kitchen and i was like talking to my mom and uh i'm like leaning on the island in the kitchen and all of a sudden my uh my aunt likes like slides up next to me and she just like, you want some menage a trois? What? And my immediate reaction was, excuse me? Because she had been drinking wine, but she didn't seem drunk. And also, what?

So I'm kind of dumbstruck. And she starts like laughing starts like laughing like oh he doesn't know what to do being offered wine like oh that's the name of the wine jesus christ so everyone in my family is like fucking like they're they're asking because my my my aunt and my mom started cracking. No, they didn't. So they start cracking up. And then because I had still not explained what was upsetting to me about this because my family's from the south. So I guess I have to explain why that would be upsetting to me. so uh my entire so they're they're all they all ask um my cousins and my other family uh all ask what like what what they're laughing about and they're like i

she just offered him wine he like freaked out like look at when i'll bug-eyed and pale. Look at him. And I was like, okay, can I give my side of this story really quick? Because my aunt has just sidled up next to me and popped open a bottle of wine and went, hey, threesome? But in French, so a more disgusting threesome. That is really

fucking disgusting. Oh, man. That is really fucking disgusting. Yeah. Oh, man. That's pretty much all the interesting things that happened there. What else happened? Whoa. Oh, shit. Okay.

I was going to say. Cameron first. Cameron first. When we were in France, I went over with my dad. So I was traveling with my dad most of the time. But when we were in France, my dad was trying his, like, because he grew up in England, and they teach

French as, like, mandatory. Disgusting. I'm pretty sure. But, like, the entire time he was in France. For a split second, I thought you were saying, learning French is mandatory in France. That was so unnecessary. I was really upset for a second that you were telling the story i was like it was weird

everyone was speaking french there i was like come on learn the fucking language but anyway he was trying his best the entire time that whenever we spoke to like a local he would try and like speak in french and he would try and order his own meals and stuff and his like pronunciation was awful like just the worst and uh on the on so we we took the ferry over but on the way back we're going going to they have this like buffet thing and we go across and you um you order food and then you order food from the chef and he just like puts it on a plate and gives it to you right um but wild so how wild is that you're crazy that's a really weird concept that's such a that's so foreign to me it's okay it's a look shut up they're wearing they're wearing canada because french canada is really like it it's devolved french basically do they do they does the chef put the plate

and then give it to you but it sounds gross? To be fair in Japan they serve it on women. Sorry. They do. They do. It doesn't have to be a lady. Have you been to Japan?

It can be men. That's a story. I took a bus and ended up in Japan. It can be men. That's a story. I took a bus and ended up in Japan. It can't be men in Japan. Anyway. I guess you're right. I'm sorry, Cameron. Let's get back to Cameron's dad speaks French poorly, the story.

No, go ahead. I want to hear it. Give me a fucking sick Jesus Christ. What happened? Welcome back to the podcast podcast cameron i'm fucking never coming back on please if you are um if you are you know they're all wearing the fucking big chef hats you know the this the the ones you know the ones you know the ones yeah but we're like looking at what we should order and i and i'm just like uh i think i'm just gonna go with like the the fish fish and chips and he's like yeah yeah that sounds good

so then he goes up to the guy and like he fits on this like big french accent it goes it goes uh two filet oh fish and i'm just like i my my fucking eyes go so wide and i'm just like staring at him like what the fuck and the guy by the count is like uh so you want two fish and chips then and my dad's just like sheepishly is like yes english yeah he said it in english oh man oh my god i'm like to my dad like you realize you said two and not duh right he's like and he's like no i didn't and I'm like no dad that was awful I'm just like I'm like I couldn't fucking believe it like this guy fucking learned fridge in class like for all out of high school isn't filet of fish that mcdonald's sandwich that's that's a mcdonald's thing it's just it's just a fillet of fish it's a fillet don't say fillet it's a filet of fish yes it's just. It's just a fillet of fish. It's a fillet of fish. Don't say fillet. It's a fillet of fish. It's a dish.

It's not just a McDonald's meal. It's actually a fish, Avery. It's just fish and chips though. That's literally I mean So I've told the story on the podcast about when I snuck and cheated my way onto the French trip that my school's

French club took, right? Yeah. Yeah. On the podcast before? Yeah, that was like the first episode. That was one of the first episodes, yeah. Oh, okay. So, um...

Hey, David, mute this. Okay, continue. Okay. Enhanced. No, when I was on the French trip. So, naturally, if I cheated and snuck my way onto the French trip, I didn't speak any French. But I was in France, and I was sitting at a table

with a bunch of people I had met on this French trip that all spoke French. And we were at a burger place. But there was a waiter, and he came, and he took our orders, and everyone ordered. And then it got to me, but they had all been speaking French, and that activated something in my brain oh no so i just said oh can i get a cheeseburger and i didn't notice i did it that was the worst part i didn't notice i did it at all and then everyone's face everyone said turned to me at the same time. And I was like, sorry, I don't speak French, guys.

No need to be intolerant. You're the assholes. It's actually so funny when you do try and speak French, but then like they just come back at you of English. You're like, ah, it was that bad, huh? Like my fucking pronunciation was so terrible. I feel bad because that happens sometimes to me where somebody that's clearly, like, it's not their first language, I just, like, sit and I'm like, yeah, keep going.

You're doing great. For me, what I did was whenever I'd speak to someone that's, like, not a native English speaker, like, I had a bunch of friends that were Swedish in my school. Because, like, we talk in English. And for some reason, this just happened naturally to me.

They all had shitty accents in English. For some reason, I'd also make my accent shitty while talking. Yeah. No, that happens. That happens to me as well. If I'm talking to someone

for a long time and they have, like, a really thick accent of some time, I will start doing the accent. Even though English, English is my native language. Like, you're not making fun of them. For some reason, I'm like... No, I'm not. It's just... I just get, like,

pushed in that direction. You're just an accent sponge, dude. Yeah. I think it's just a psychological thing of, like, wanting to be one with, like, whoever you're talking about or whatever. I don't fucking know. Fuck everybody. I did that when I was in England.

There was this huge fucking chav walking past and he was staring at me and I was like, alright mate. Just to try and make myself look like I belong. I feel threatened. You did that to the chav? Yeah, he was just like fucking walking down the street and he was like looking at me and i just met and i was like all right man and then you

made out how did how did you know he was chav there's a look what there's a you know what chav means i don't think i know what chav means i don't think you know what chav means wait what do you think chav means that's something you can tell i'm gonna be honest i and chav did you think it was just chad with a like no no it kind of is a little bit yeah it's like english chad british chad yeah british chad pretty much essentially Pretty much. Essentially. Wow. That's sick. Did he say hello back? I think he nodded at me. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. You got the chav nod.

There you go. You got the chav approval. You're now a chav. You're good. You're now a chav. That's how it works. I've been inducted. The torch has passed.

You got to get a tracksuit. Oh, those guys. How do you know I don't already have one? Yes. Well, the tracksuit people. Well, I guys! How do you know I don't already have one? Yes, the tracksuit people. Well, I mean, depends where you are in Europe. Tracksuit people can be like Chavs or like Gopniks. Tracksuit people could be Chavs or every

Eastern European person. Like a Gopnik. Yeah, Gopniks. I don't know, what'd you say? Gopnik? Gottlieb? The Nazi scientist? Sure, you know what you're saying Godly? Godly? The Nazi scientist? You know what? Fuck it. Yes. Absolutely Everyone in Eastern Europe is a Nazi scientist

What a turnaround this podcast took I'm not Mute that Wow Do we need to mute that? Nah, that's brave That's fine So in that's brave ed you are so fucking brave right now um so hang on what hey david you shut up it's my turn

i'm holding the cards okay he's past the ticky-toe. Because I need to tell a story before I forget it. So, Avery, your story of an aunt asking you to have a threesome with her reminded me of a story I have. That's not exactly what happened. I'm paraphrasing. It's a colloquial metaphor. Colloquial metaphor!

So, I have this friend in high school called Phil. Really good friend of mine, and what we'd usually do is whenever we'd go out with a lot of people, he would always be the guy that I'd sleep over with because his house... I know this story. Yeah, because his house was on the way to mine,

and I didn't feel like fucking walking for hours while hammered. So, this was just another night and whatever and for a little bit of context, in my last two years of high school, I had,

oh my god, I just remember what the band was called. I had a band with him. Phil, fucking mute all these names. Actually, don't.

Just change the name. Don't say fucking. No, I could say Phil. I need to say Phil because I'm going to forget. It doesn't matter. Just Phil and two other guys.

Trelli and David. Just two guys. We had a band called The Ryan Secrets. Were all of your songs based on Ryan Secrets? No. And his secret life? I don't know. What did you play?

We played fucking a lot of Green Day. Big fans of Green Day. Oh, you were a guitarist, I'd imagine. Yes. Were you the singer? No, I was not the singer. Oh. But anyway, we were in a band and we were walking home

to his place, as usual and then phil suddenly goes shit dude i need to warn you uh my uh my aunt is over at the house and phil was irish i mean is irish i hope he's still alive uh phil is you're gonna say I hope he's still alive. I actually just found out Phil has cancer. Oh, come on. One episode. I'm back. Please. Rest in peace, Phil. Rest in peace, that mom.

Stop. I'm ending it here. We're stopping it here. I'm sure she's fine. Ed, finish your fucking story okay uh what was i saying okay talking about ed just a big warning because phil's irish and he's saying my aunt is over and whenever she's over her and my mom like to drink a lot every night before going to sleep so i'm like yeah that's fair i mean we're pretty hammered too i'm sure they're not gonna mind he's like no we're gonna mind i'm just warning you because they get weird i was like all right i've been

around drunk old people before so we get to his place transition to this story what never mind go ahead yeah so i get to his place and like i just cross paths with dion i say hey i'm ed he's like oh nice to meet you then she goes upstairs and i ever fucking see her again and then it's just me and phil are going to the living room to eat before we go to before we go to sleep and if if Phil's mom is there, she's like, oh, hi, Ed, and whatever. We catch up. She's clearly drunk. Me and Phil eat real quick while his mom is talking to me. And then Phil goes, oh, Ed, I'm going to

go prep your mattress in my room. And I go, alright, sick. So I just stay down there because she's still talking to me. And then she asks, so Phil told me you guys are in a band, right? I go, yeah, yeah. And she goes, wait, so what do you do?

And then I go, oh, I'm a lead guitarist. Phil's backup. Then the other two guys are drums and vocals. And then she goes, oh, God. So you're a lead guitarist above Phil, right? You're better than him at guitar? And I was like, I mean, by not much, but yeah. And she goes,

Oh, I bet you're really good with your fingers. Oh, boy. Oh. What did you say? I said, Yeah. Phil? Wait, was he with you? What I said, uh Yeah Wait was he with you?

Oh, right. He doesn't know about this. I've been telling everyone but he doesn't know Phil was like, oh like oh yeah it's ready i think he was just like zoned out in his room like i'm pretty sure he got the mattress on like in a second he forgot to call me and i just went upstairs a little bit like zoned out and then i just went to sleep and then morning i left that was it just you know a little brief encounter with his mom asking me if, you know. Wait, his mom or his aunt? No, his mom. His mom. His aunt was upstairs.

Yeah, that was his mom. There's a layer of separation. If it was his aunt, I probably would have gone for it. Yeah, exactly. There's a layer of separation. Those are the rules. His aunt comes over, just like whispers, it seems to both you and his mom, like, you want a little menage a trois that would have been funny

honestly if that had happened and Phil wasn't there honestly also would have gone for it you are such a class act I'm never introducing you to my mother. Phil. No. Listen, his mom, for her age, was pretty attractive.

Okay. All right. Okay. Well. Phil, if you're listening to this, you got good genes. You got a hot mom. Do you remember when I introduced you to my mom and she insulted face off? All that.

Wait. The movie Face Off? Yeah, your mom's safe. David, your mom isn't. Well, I mean, i feel weird this is such an innocent story but i feel really weird telling it now based on that and the lead-in but it was just it was just we were sitting we were eating fucking burgers i'm all my stories involve eating burgers i guess we're eating fucking burgers and and ed was there and my mom was there.

Now that I've set the stage, I can tell the story. And you're upstairs blowing up his mattress. So I forget how, but somehow Face Off came up. The Nicolas Cage movie? My mom had kind of been like, she was kind of looking around, like, oh, what's going on at the TV? But the second Face Off was said, my mom snapped to attention and went, Face Off? the TV. But the second face-off was said, my mom snapped to attention and went, face-off? That is the gayest movie of all

time. What? Exact quote. Face-off, the gayest movie of all time. And then Ed was like, I like face-off. Oh, no. I really like face-off. And I was like, I also like face-off.

I have since come out to my mother, so now she understands. What? Yeah, and you've got some explaining to do. Yeah. Oh. Uh, fucking, what am I? I mean, and then, uh, well, there was a very brief altercation. Not even an altercation.

It was like a conversation. And she definitely stood her ground. She stood her ground. She was like, definitely gay movie. Definitely gay. Watch that movie. You like dick. Sorry.

Those are the rules. I don't make the rules. She didn't say that. I enforce them. She enforces them? She enforces gay. Listen, Cameron. How would she do that, Avery?

Keep my mother's fucking name out of your mouth, okay? Shut up. I don't even know her name. How would she do that, Avery? Keep my mother's fucking name out of your mouth, okay? Shut up. I don't even know her name. Exactly. Keep it that way. So, a few hours later, Ed and I are back at our place, and we're just chilling, and we're probably watching Face Off again. We were.

Oh my god, we actually were. What do you mean, again? How many times have you watched it i watched it like seven times i've never watched a good film it is a good important movie says a lot about having a face off but uh so we're sitting and then my fucking my my phone buzzes and uh it's my mom and she's texting me and it's just this message of oh my my God, will you please tell Ed I'm sorry for calling Face Off gay? I just realized that that's why he likes it. Oh my God. She made it worse.

She wasn't even saying he likes it because he's gay. She's like, oh, he just likes it because it's gay. I don't get the gay thing nicholas cage and john travolta together swapping faces pretty gay and they talk about well i guess i'm the sexy brother now brother you remember that scene face off yeah and he's like touché brother is that the word of passing the cigarette i don't remember there's so many scenes in that movie ed what are you doing tonight same thing you're doing watching a gay movie we get a video essay on how gay face off is. Oh, wait, that just reminded me.

I have another fucking family oriented story. This one doesn't involve sexual orientation in any way. So that's face off or face off. Unfortunately. Yes, that's fine. You already know the story anyways. But so when I was when I was younger, just for context, I have a brother. When I was younger, I was I was just sitting in my fucking room. I was minding my own goddamn little 12 year old business.

I was playing Halo. Never seen really into it. We know I was 13. It doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter. But I was sitting in my room. I was fucking playing Halo. I was 13 it doesn't matter it doesn't fucking matter but I was sitting in my room I was fucking playing Halo I was really fucking into it I was god I was fucking pwning some noobs but

but uh I worked up a fucking sweat and I needed to get something to drink um and I just decide I stand up and I walk out the door and instantly I get punched in the throat as hard because my brother had been waiting around the corner of my doorway for fuck knows how long at

that point waiting for me to walk out the door so that he could just punch me in the throat when i least expected it as hard as he could. How many years younger is your brother than you? Uh, some. What are you, a cop? Well, I just want to know, like... He's a younger brother. I'm not going to give exact fucking age differences.

But, no, he's my younger brother, and so he punched me in the throat as hard as he could. Then he runs away crying and he goes and gets my mom and says avery just hit me if you just started punching me and i my mind is like stall it's stalling at this point because I have no idea what's going on. I'm like staggered. It was like

I was stunned for lack of a better word. I was just standing in my room like I have no idea what's going on right now but I am in pain and so I stumble out and my mom comes and gets me and she was like why did you punch your brother? And I said what

he was i didn't punch him he punched me and she was like why did he punch you and i was like i don't know he was just waiting around the corner to punch me in the throat the second i left my bedroom and she went do you really think i'm gonna believe that and i realized as i was saying it i wouldn't believe that that's ridiculous didn't your brother say that why would anyone do that no my brother didn't say anything he was just fucking crocodile tears like a motherfucker oh my god it's like that fucking bill murray story where it's like no no, no, no. But years later, down the line,

I think I was 20 at this point. This is so, so much later. I bring the story back up and it just starts... My brother starts cackling. What the fuck? He's just fucking laughing his ass off and he's like, yeah, I did do that.

And then my mom was like oh that's pretty funny i was like i can't win and it's like it's the statue of limitations is up he can't be punished for it at this point he knew he got away with it and that's it there's nothing else there's nothing else to that story. There was no motivation like What it's like it breaks the rules of a story because there's no reason for any of it to have happened There's no setup it just happened That's chaotic evil David. What do you mean it's chaotic neutral? How's that neutral? You fucking hit his brother then lied about it and got him in trouble

what do you think my moral compass makes sense that's a fair point actually you say moral compass when we're talking about D&D alignments yeah he did did I just roll with the punches Avery god

three sixes you're such a dickhead for that Just roll with the punches, Avery. God. Three sixes. You're such a dickhead for that joke. Yeah. But hey, I got a crypt success. Go. David, you said anyways. You said you had a story.

Please dig us out of this hole. This one time when I was dating my ex a woman a woman disgusting oh very important very disgusting keep them out of my video games i i was meeting her dad for the first time her dad and his new wife or whatever and And we went to nice supper. It was very nice. We like, he's such a fucking bro. Like we just hit it off really well.

And there was a lot of wine, just so much fucking wine. I think we drank like three bottles of wine, just him and I, plus a six pack of beer oh my god we got so fucking turbo trashed and then we went like we both like at one point like my ex just looks at me she's like hey you don't look so good are you okay i was like i'm not fucking doing okay and i just ran to the fucking restroom i just fucking

ran to the restroom face first started vomiting my life i've never vomited as much you vomited your life dude i don't have a life anymore it fucking gone and like i've never heard that expression what vomiting my life well i guess it's a French Canadian thing whatever that's probably a David thing no and then her fucking father

just barges into the fucking bathroom are you vomiting your life right now while I'm vomiting my life and he just like he's just like scoot over and I just fucking bathroom. Son, are you vomiting your life right now? While I'm vomiting my life. And he just like he's just like scoot over and I just scoot over and we're both vomiting in the toilet for like hours.

We vomited and we bonded that night. Holy shit. What a fucking bonding experience. Holy fuck. We vomited so much. I would love that. That was sick. Pretty sure we were holding hands too. I'm on better terms than...

Is that when you realized? He looked into his crying face while he vomits out of season. Yeah, this is what I really want. This is the future I dream of. We were fist bumping each other mid-vomit. I'm pretty sure we... Bro, you see that last one I just did?

Fuck yeah, man! We were like... At one point, we just started laughing while we were vomiting. It was sick. Fuck yeah. Literally sick romantic. That sounds pretty lit. Yeah.

I get that, though. I think I'm on better terms with my ex's dads than I am with my ex's. My ex's dads were sick. I'll tell you about that one chick I did for like a week, but like I met her dad on two occasions and we were just

talking about movies and you know what he fucking said? Oh my god. He said Face Off is the gayest movie of all time said face off is one of his favorite movies ever and that was the no wait I need to tell this fucking story okay okay bringing it way back I'm like I was are we having a time job hang on this I've been doing this for literally three days and I'm just like coming over to her place because i told her i can't cook for shit and she was like oh i'm gonna teach you how to cook it'll be cute and i

was like all right cool so we're making fucking pancakes and she's like you know uh when are you when are you leaving and i'm like i'll leave i'll leave it like you know like seven or something she's like okay cool my parents are coming back later because like three days isn't really the time period you should be meeting the parents, right? But then at, like, fucking five, her parents come home. And they're like, oh, who is this? And she goes, uh, this is my boyfriend. And they go, oh, do you want to stay for dinner? And then I just look at her, and she's like, I mean, yeah, I guess.

I mean, fuck it. Like, now that the barrier's been broken might as well so so we just like go back to her room we're just talking and i'm kind of like panicking because i'm about to meet the fucking parents in the first three days of dating someone but i'm like okay we're cool i never had a bad parents meeting the parents experience so it's gonna be fine oh no so know, we're no. Trust me. Spoiler alert. This goes really well.

Oh, shit. So we're just having dinner. And, you know, they're talking to me. They're asking me, like, what I want to do in college. This is my last year of high school when this happened. So like, oh, what do you want to study? Blah, blah. And I mentioned film and her dad.

You know, those that he goes, I fucking love action movies. Face off is a masterpiece. And I go, I agree. We just start talking about face off. is your life just like a bunch of like face off it's a series we start talking about face off we start talking about face off for like one or two hours like our favorite scenes our favorite shots and whatever longer than the movie dude it was fuck? Dude, it was the longest dinner. And I can tell the mom's getting so pissed because her husband probably talks about face-off all the fucking time. Why wouldn't you?

Oh my god. And then at the end of that conversation, my dad goes, Hey, it was really nice meeting you. FYI, for context, this was a Wednesday. And then he goes, Do you want to sleep over? What? That was when his dad realized.

Oh my god, face off is gay. No, but he meant like, yeah, I'm sure Lynette wouldn't mind if you stayed in her room. Like, same bed. And then I went, what? What? What a bro. He's like, please have sex with my daughter. Please switch faces with my daughter.

I looked at her, she was just like. I would like to kiss that face to bed every night. I've always wanted a son. I'm going to adopt you. And she's just like, her eyes are wide open. And that's going to make it really weird. So I turn back and I just go, well, it's this weekday, I should probably go home. And he's, like, genuinely disappointed.

Oh, okay. Oh my god. You should have said yes. Oh, such an asshole. No, that would have been fucking weird. But yeah, so I just went home and I told everybody about it. Okay.

What did we, why did we time jump, though? What was happening in the other timeline? and I told everybody about it. Okay. Why did we time jump, though? What was happening in the other timeline? The other one was they met up at a random other occasion and talked about Face Off again. Is that real? This was the same one. This was the same Face Off talking. Why did you time jump then?

I'm confused now. I just said I gotta go back in the story in the timeline story in the timeline exactly like the last season lost what do you think a time jump is i have to go back in the timeline what do you fucking yeah i didn't go back a week i went back a couple hours okay okay that was the same day we didn't talk about face off more than once you said you dated a girl for one week and then you wait you said wait no let You made it sound like you ran into her dad after you

and her broke up. That's what was confusing. That would have been sick. Grab a beer with that man. I was more sad I wasn't going to see her dad again. Yeah. You can hear the beer bottles in the background. I think I

have so I have dated i have three girlfriends throughout um high school and i think two of them guy two of them i had met their parents like months before we started dating really yeah damn i don't know why I brought that up that's not interesting and like PTA meetings or something like no just like hanging out of their houses this one time I did oh right like when you're friends before you're dating yeah this one time I dated a girl for like about a week and turns out she was lesbian how was that were you crushed like your ex was well imagine if you had dated her for a year and found that out

oh my god oh geez i like how, almost everything you say, David, can be turned and spun into you being, like, a terrible person. Like, crazy. I wonder why that is. Must be something about us. We must be just really good at spinning things. You guys are fucking mean. Cameron, what the fuck is wrong with you? I actually don't know.

I feel like you're a bad person, and you make me a worse person when I'm around you. That's fair enough. Do you want to go on to Patreon questions? The transition. we've only got like 35 minutes of stories we can do like another 10 minutes you know let's talk about that one time a beaver broke into my fucking garden oh yeah you said you wanted to talk about that the most canadian story ever yeah so this one time I should have I shouldn't have said the beaver then uh this one time you're such a moral what oh wait I spoiled the story well I kind of did yeah but this one time I was I I woke up that was back when I was in college I woke up I was, I woke up, that was back when I was in college. I woke up, I was getting ready to go to fucking college and I was making coffee and my cat

was like, cause how, how like the, I was in the kitchen and in the kitchen you could see the patio door and the patio and everything like our backyard. And my cat was on like next to the patio door and just meowing fucking loudly. And like, he was clearly upset. And I was like next to the patio door and just meowing fucking loudly. And like he was clearly upset. And I was like, what the fuck, Steve? Like, what do you want? And I just turn around and I just see this big ass fucking beaver. There's glass everywhere on the fucking ground.

The pool's empty. The fucking like the what's the what's the wood? But the straight wood around the house to ward off the enemies yes fence the fence was fucking I'm not gonna go into that which is fine the fence was completely chewed off and

there was just this big ass fucking creature right there and I started fucking what type of creature was it a beaver wow oh my god a beaver dude fucking beavers are scary i didn't know they were that huge like they were like he was like huge and i just stayed all day and i had to call animal services and I had to like basically I went outside and I tried to not trap it

because I couldn't really trap it but like we had to keep it. You threw the fucking cage. Well we didn't have a cage and he wouldn't fit in Steve's cage so we just kind of Did you not have a cage or was the cage not going to work? It wasn't big enough. Do you know how big a beaver is?

Okay, so you... Never mind. Okay, you know what? Fuck it. Never mind. Forget what I was asking. Jesus Christ. What cage?

I called animal services. They were coming eventually, but we had to like keep the beaver in our backyard somehow. So we just started piling things up like around the beaver so it wouldn't move. And it broke everything. Okay. Alex, what that asks... Oh my god. Well.

Are you guys ready to face the sun? Was that really a moon kill or Jesus? It didn't go anywhere. It started nowhere and ended nowhere. Well, the beaver broke things.

Alright. Which question are we doing? What lesson? What was the moral of the story, David? What did we learn? The moral of the story is get better fences in Canada because

wood can be eaten. Okay. Wow. You wake up in the last single player game you played. Who asked this? Also, wait. I need to do the thing where I explain what

this is. This is Patreon questions. These are questions from people of the $10 and above tier, and we're going to answer them. Thank God. I'm glad that you felt like we needed to explain beyond Patreon questions. That would have been confusing. It's like, why is Patreon emailing them?

Why is it about the last single-player game they played? Yeah Patreon emailing them? Do I say the last single player game they played? Yes, say the name. Do I say the last name? Yes. I mean, yes. What do you mean, I mean? Just fucking read it! John Chapman asks,

you wake up to the last single player game you played, what do you do, and how long do you last? So how's Spider-Man, Cameron? the last single player game you played, what do you do, and how long do you last? So, how's Spider-Man, Cameron? Uh, okay. So, um, I mean, I assume I'm just normal Cameron. Wait, are you normal?

It depends. Do we take the powers of the... No, you're in the world of the last game. You're not even the protagonist. Because that's why it's asking how long do you last. If you were the main protagonist, you just don't die. Or you do, and then it's fine. Yeah.

Well. Okay, Cameron Powell. So you're just a normal New Yorker. Working. How long could you last in New York? I want to work for the Daily Bugle. Because J. Jonah Jameson just sounds like such a laugh. He's not even working at the Daily Bugle in the game

oh my god sorry I messed up the lore already he has a podcast dude yeah oh my god I'm just on a podcast you're just on Jameson everything is the same you're inserting it instead of your dad failing to speak French

instead of face off so yeah I just do that, and I don't know, what's, like, I mean, unless, like, New York gets bombed. No, in the game universe. I feel like that's a hypothesis for every answer. Well, unless the game world I'm in gets nuked, I think I'll be fine.

No, as in, like, unless I'm, like, caught up in some weird Spider-Man villain plot. Like, I don't know, like normal human living age, I guess. Okay. My last single player game was Bully, so I'm pretty sure everybody knows what's going to happen to me. Oh no. You're going to get the shit kicked out of you.

I'm going to get the shit kicked out of me. As long as they don't find out you like boys. Uh oh. Well, as long as they don't find out you like boys. Uh-oh. Well, as long as they don't find out you're David. Oh. Which clique would you belong to? Pretend to be Ed, you'll be fine. What do you mean, which clique?

Yeah, I had tons of friends. The nerds, the greasers, and the jerks, right? And the bullies. Which one? Fucking, which one do you say? You're the greaser. Greaser? Or which clique were you in?

I would absolutely... Greaser? Yeah. Yeah. You guys think I'm... You definitely look like a greaser. You look greasy. For sure.

You look very greasy. I don't... You guys are fucking assholes. What the fuck? Okay, fucking sorry. What do you want to hear, David? I don't know. You're in the girls.

How about that? I'm into it. The last single player game I played was the Yakuza team's Fist of the North Star, and that's in the post-apocalypse. You're going to die instantly. I'm dead. I'm already dead, some would say. Mine was Half-Life 2, so dead instantly as well.

What happened? The last single player game you played was yeah i played i've been playing it recently why i i don't what do you want from me why is david playing bully bully is also old what what the fuck why am i getting really old yeah yeah but bully's good. Oh Almost forgot about this shit. I the whole PST crew is sent to prison for 20 years What is each of your plans to become top dog of this person? That was a question from Phyllis? affiliate yeah Hmm. Thank you Philippe from Philip. Yeah. Hmm.

Thank you, Philippe. Sorry. I didn't say your name at the beginning. Good catch. Ed. Hey, no problem.

The whole cast. The whole cast. Yeah. So everyone. So let's go in order of importance. So starting with Mandy. Wait, do we also have to answer for people that aren't here?

Yeah. The whole cast. Oh, I think. Oh, shit. Mandy would find a way. Mandy already instantly. wait do we also have to answer for people that aren't here yeah it's the whole cast oh shit Mandy would find a way Mandy would instantly have it I don't know how I feel like he already has a plan for this

eventuality and like we're kind of ruining his plan if we stop yeah we should just not he's gonna get it next time he's on the podcast, let's ask him this question because there's nothing I don't think there's anything we could come up with that would match his actual plan that

he definitely has. The weird part is that he probably anyways. I feel like Brendan would just accept that he's not top dog. Yeah, he would become. I still say he'd enslave the warden. He'd find some way to manipulate the warden to doing whatever he wanted. He would convince the warden.

No, no, no, no. What would happen is Brendan would convince the warden to let him live in his office, and he makes all of the PA announcements. That booming voice coming out of the PA, you know? Yeah. Get the fuck back to your cells. What would Kyle's... Let's talk about Garfield.

What would Kyle... He'd torment all of the prisoners. What would... Kyle would What would Kyle... What would Kyle's psychology, everyone? Oh, yeah. He's the most dangerous because he's unassuming. Hey, man, I see what you're trying to do with that shiv, and I think that's going to really fuck you up later in life. I don't think it's a good idea to try and kill me.

And then he gets him to hand over the shiv and he guts him with it how does that make you feel oh my god that's life jesus this is a good listen for you learn from it this would have fucked you up later but i'm gonna fuck you up now i hear that quote and i'm hearing the Stardust Crusaders theme playing. Oh my god. What would mine be? To become top dog? I feel like so nobody fucks with me.

Like the first day of prison, I'll just like get like a big pan and a spoon and I just smash them together. And I'll be like, all right alright motherfuckers, listen up. And then I just shit my pants. Insulate. That is a fucking power play. And I just squat and go, who wants to fuck with this? And yeah.

Nobody would fuck with me. That's a pretty good plan. Be so shameless that nobody fucks with you. You're not going to be top dog. You're just going to be dog. You's a pretty good plan. Jesus. Be so shameless that nobody fucks with you. You're not going to be top dog. You're just going to be dog. You're not going to be top dog. You're just going to be the freak that everyone stays away from. Listen, not getting shanked is being top dog.

I mean, I guess it is all a matter of perspective. Fuck. Avery? Cameron? No, no, no, no. I don't know. It's hard to figure. I don't know it's hard to like figure it I don't know

I try and like play people off each other I guess just like spread rumors spread rumors but like you know try and make it so

you're the bitchy white girl in the prison oh yeah hey you hear what Samantha said about you last night Cameron shows up in orange is the new black Oh yeah. Hey, you hear what Samantha said about you last night? Cameron shows up in orange is the new black

That guard was totally looking at you weird. I Think you should do something about it David? I don't know. I think I just give my pudding to people so that I'm under their side. That makes you the bottom bitch, not top dog! I guess you're right, I'll take their pudding. You'll take their pudding? Yeah, I'll take their pudding, I'll be like, you give me that pudding. Cause we know prisoners are probably attached to their pudding. Dude, honestly my plan was kind of also to do something fucked up and weird so people wouldn't mess with me

But banging a pan. Where are you getting the pan? The tray. From the kitchen. I'll do it in like the canteen where everyone's gonna be at the canteen. How do you think you're getting your hands on a fucking pan? You're not getting your hands on the pan. I'm not getting the pan, the fucking tray, the eating tray. Oh, okay, so you're gonna take somebody in there. I said pan, you said pan, I corrected the train and you were like no, fuck you, pan. It doesn't matter what it said pant. You said pant. I corrected the train. You were like, no, fuck you, pant. It makes noise when you hit it.

It doesn't matter what it is. Oh, my God. The pant isn't a crucial part of my plan. Shitting my pants is a crucial part of the plan. I can't do something weirder than shitting my pants. The fucking metallic object that I use to announce my pants shitting isn't important to my plan. Good, we're arguing this point of the story, guys. Avery, I heard Ed said some choice things about you last night, man.

What the fuck? That's all God. Don't mind me, I'm just sharpening a spoon. What would your plan be, Avery? I'll see you in a few months, Ed. What would your plan be, Avery? What do you mean? Come on over, I just had a fucked up beans.

Bring it, bitch! What do you mean, bring it, bitch? I don't have a plan, I don't plan on getting caught. That's- shut up! Have a fucking plan! Don't be a dick about the fucking question. I don't- I don't have- I'm fucking- Mine was to do something weird as shit too. I don't know what the fuck. I don't have a backup plan.

Surely get him good books with the warden or something. Yeah, probably. Be a librarian. Be fine. That one guy in um- Shawshank Redemption? Shawshank, yeah. And then I get to hang myself. That's sick.

What? I forgot he does that! Wow, thanks guys. I haven't seen Prison Break. Oh my god. Yeah. Just be like Wentworth Miller. Go in and I'll be covered in fucking tattoos. It's like, it's a map

to the prison. It's not a map to the prison. It's just tattoos. I try and trick people into breaking me out. Let's do one of Toaster's. Unarmed Toaster asks, that thing you've been dreading will happen that you've been dragging ah fuck david cut that unarmed toaster asks that thing you've been dreading that what the fuck is this english that thing you've been dreading will happen has happened what is it

thank you um oh god something that you've been dreading happening actually happens what do you do? wait it's not even what do you do it's what is it oh that's fucking gay skip this I thought he asked what we do you wanna do what we do instead? yeah? I'm toaster

using you as a springboard buddy thanks uh I don't have a thing hang on do I have a thing I dread cry I'll cry I'll take that honestly I'll probably cry too take that retard you're gonna fuck with a boy with tears streaming down his face no it's fucked up oh it's a thing I've been dreading prison mmm car accident fucking yeah okay car accident you can't what do i do do you even drive no no i'm scared of other people driving me

depending on because i because my mom's a shit driver so every time i get in the car with her it's a it's a fucking ride literally and metaphorically great uh i don't know i get in the car with her is a fucking ride literally and metaphorically great, uh I don't know I get in the car accident. What do I do call the cops? Wow, how are you my leg hurt? Please help how my bones oh my god. Please put them back Cameron what's yours? Uh, fuck, I don't know Like

I guess, you know, plane crash I guess, just cause I was thinking about that No, okay, Cameron, how's this? The thing you've been dreading would happen, like getting fired from a show You were making Oh, dude You know what I would do? I think I'd hang myself

If I ever got fired from a show. That sounds a bit extreme, Cameron. Doesn't it? I don't recommend that as a coping mechanism. Do you think maybe you would learn from it and work on your, like, work ethic, maybe? No, I'd hang myself. Okay. Okay. myself. Trust me, Ed.

He's going to hang himself tomorrow. He swears. Sometime this week. Oh my God. Hey Cameron, you done it yet? I bought the rope. He didn't buy the rope. I found the rope I won on Amazon. Oh yeah., holy shit. I can't believe this is getting way too real Getting way too real have you been buying rope on Amazon Cameron do we need to talk Cameron?

One Kyle to explain why I'm sad. Where is he? You knew what I meant. Love you, Cameron. Is that it? Are we done? Yeah. These jokes actually hurt me. I love you.

I'm sorry. Welcome back, man. You never apologized to me. How was it? Was it as good as you remember? Slightly worse. Is it better for everyone else? Hmm. Hmm. slightly worse so better for everyone else well you can find Cameron on Twitter

where can everyone find you on Twitter you can find me at soupsnakesheep on Twitter Ed shit I didn't have time to go to your room. I knew you were planning to. You can find me on YouTube at PunkDuck. You can find me on Twitter at PunkDuck.

And you can find me on Twitch also at PunkDuck. Thank you very much. Aren't you on Twitter, aren't you? PunkDuck underscore? You are PunkDuck underscore. Sure. David, please. Okay.

I'm SermiaoMusic on Twitter, on SoundCloud, and on Twitch, and I'm just Sermiao on Spotify. And what about you, Avery? Oh, thanks for asking, Ed. No problem, buddy. I'm Shammy on YouTube.

A lot of great content coming there at some point. Is it Shammy TV? Yeah, you're really busy editing the podcast. Don't worry about it. Busy fucking working on the video. This podcast takes two hours out of me every two weeks when I'm on it. But it is absolutely what I'm focusing on instead of videos you're absolutely right about that

I thought you'd have to be honest with your audience at some point well also at shammy tv on twitter nothing else matters it's like I'm gonna wait for prime day to buy that rope yeah can you send me that link