Please Stop Talking - Dear Aslan | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: June 1, 2019

The local Arby's was never the same after the swamp incident... PICTURES MENTIONED: http://bit.ly/PSTEP37 Support the podcast and David on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/SirMeowMusic Humble Bundle Monthly: http://humble.pleasestopshopping.com/ Humble Bundle: https://www.humblebundle.com/?partner=pstpodcast/ Join the PST Discord server!: https://discord.gg/YNqTT65 Links: Avery - https://twitter.com/ShammyTV David - https://twitter.com/SirMeowMusic Brendan - https://twitter.com/BrendanielH Mandy - https://twitter.com/Lord_Mandalore Podcast - https://twitter.com/PSTPodcast Podcast also available on Spotify and iTunes! iTunes: https://goo.gl/X1C3nG Spotify: https://goo.gl/fdVg9V Art by Madbuns: Twitter - https://twitter.com/mad_buns DA - https://madbuns.deviantart.com Other links: David's Spotify - https://spoti.fi/2gAtGSJ #ComedyPodcast #PleaseStopTalking #Narnia #TheatreStories Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Savor the new small and mighty Cortado. Cozy up with the familiar flavors of pistachio. Or shake up your mood with an iced brown sugar oat shaken espresso whatever you choose your espresso will be handcrafted with care at starbucks and it's just like the shittiest metaphor for it like if being gay gave me fire hands i think putting me on a registry is fair game you know And I'm saying that if being gay gives you fire hands, it's definitely a fucking choice. That's... You know what? Whatever. Pull over here. We need to get gas.

I know. Shut up, Cameron. Where are we going anyways? I don't know. The only other person who knows about this shit is some weirdo who called me on the phone fucking ages ago. A weirdo on the phone? Did he sound like...ambiguously sad and sleepy? Yeah, that's the guy. Did you talk to him?

Yeah, he called me on the phone after I saw the first one. He said I got...activated or some shit. I thought about redialing, but like...bit weird, you know? Oh shit, give me your phone. You must know something about all this bullshit. I'm not interested in whatever you're selling. Wait, sir, you could be playing great new video games for just $12 a month. Who is this?

It's Cameron. You called me months ago about the ads. I was wondering if you could help us. What? Hello? Who are you? I'm Avery. Is there a British guy nearby?

Oh yeah, here. Cameron, it's for you. Hello? You need to get the fuck out of there. Where are we supposed to go? We've been driving for an undisclosed amount of time. Stop driving when 3.6 is 15,000. What? Can't you just tell me where the fuck to go? Ready to weather your visual needs.

Don't call me again. She'll come for you. Hello lovely is your subscription service where you can get a budget video game for 12 American dollars in money fucking christ okay come on avery let's go where to fuck knows by using the link in the description you can support the podcast bang oh sorry future david i didn't know. Welcome to the podcast. Wait, you just played tunes?

Yes. Okay. What are you doing? How are you... We're not even asking you to play chords for it. All right, all right. I'll fucking... Here. Okay.

All right. All right. Go from the bottom. All right. I believe in me. I believe in the me that believes in me. I'm so scared. Okay.

Go from the bottom. Oh. even the me that believes in me i'm so scared okay welcome to the podcast oh man god i think david should have kept on looking for a synth on his phone. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking now. Oh my god. Holy fucking shit. How long have you had that guitar? It's my girlfriend's, so six years. You should have called her in. Why didn't you have her? She doesn't know how to play it either.

Why do you have a guitar that neither of you can play? Because her mom gave it to her a while ago and then she just was like, eh. If I'm honest, I bought a guitar like a year ago and I still don't know how to play it. So. I was given a guitar when I was 17 and I haven't learned how to play it. Everybody

owns a guitar but doesn't know how to play it and the people who know, good job. I know a guy who said he played guitar and he changed his profile picture to him holding his guitar on the couch except he could see the uh fucking guitar hero buttons between his fingers so

there we go I'm just gonna I'm not even gonna put my fingers on it I'm just gonna play the fucking three notes okay wait we're doing it again? are we? well we um I didn't think so I thought we had an intro again? Are we? Well, we... I didn't think so. I thought we had an intro going. I thought we were just going.

Okay, I guess we're just going. All right. Yeah, it's good. Welcome to the podcast. We already did that. I'm all distraught now. We can't do that twice. We got like...

We started to get on a roll a little bit, and then Brendan was like, all right, this time I'm... This time, for real. It's like, oh shit. This time I'm gonna blow your mind. It kind of worked. I was impressed. It went from zero to hero

in no fucking time. Holy fucking shit. Like the Hercules. Hercules! Oh god. Yo, speaking of musicals, man, do you have a fucking play saga to share? It might not be musical. I may have seen a play once.

Mm-hmm. I said like that just to frustrate Avery and I could hear it. I was drinking water, so you weren't really frustrating me. It sounded like that voice you do when you're getting fucking irritated. You just go, mm-hmm. You sound like that voice you do when you're getting fucking irritated. You just go, You sound like

Marge Simpson a bit. Tell the story. I want a bit. Oh, okay. It kind of sounds like Yoda. Yeah. Smoke weed, I must. I love white Yoda. I love white Yoda. What do white yoda what he sounds like i guess i need to tell the place

away then yeah it certainly sounds like it to get us away from white yoda move us away from me please somebody take us away wasn't there a white yoda in the phantom menace though when like what at the very end they have the parade and there's like the tall Yoda looking creature standing next to Yoda a human? when they give the big glowing orb to boss Nass and he's like peace

and Yoda has like a larger more Aryan Yoda standing next to him I'm not familiar with that I'll take your word for it it sounds like it could be real I think your mind palace is having a breakdown after all that Yoda standing next to him. I don't, I'm not familiar with that. I'll take your word for it. It sounds like it could be real. I think your mind palace is having a breakdown after all that's all.

No, no, that just sounds like what the prequels would look like. I'm going to be honest. No, there's this large like Giga Yoda standing next to him. What? Does Giga Yoda have a Wikipedia page? Hang on a second. There he is.

I found a picture of him. I found it. Put it in general. Evan with two A's. Evan with two A's. Evan with two A's. Oh, yeah. Look at that.

I mean, it's not quite a Yoda. It's like a bit different. Like I said, it's like the Prometheus engineer of Yodas. Yoda perfected. His ears are drooping instead of opposite drooping. Yoda is imperfect compared to Promethean

Yoda. I put in Evan in Star Wars, but it's just a girl. Yeah, that's what I saw. It's like a girl going around. People are saying it may be a woman, it may what I saw. It's like a girl, like, going around. Oh, people are saying it may be a woman, it may be a lady. I didn't notice the ponytail.

Because that wasn't in that image. That's not the lady they're referring to. No, the lady we're referring to is a humanoid woman with blonde hair. Oh, it's maybe even peel. Like, he and peel, but even. He has a ponytail. Why is hair only growing on the top?

It's a top knot. Oh, no, it's a male. It's a male. It's I find the wikipedia article Evan even even peel e-v-e-n the hit sketch comedy show even peel What's your fucking play story did you know even peel made a holo video about a lot of allegories about why the greens and the pinks couldn't get along I don't remember anyways

what was the play story are you serious no I remember What was the play story? Are you serious? No, I'm not. So, a few weeks, maybe months ago. Months. It's hard to remember. It happens when you don't eat food for eight days, man. My girlfriend, I'm going to refer to her as Red, because that's a good name.

Okay. So, me and Red are like talking about shit and she's like oh i've wanted you know we haven't seen a play any theater thing in a while and she found this one for um the horse and his boy and if you haven't heard of that it's a uh it's one of the narnia narnia things i can't remember where in the chronology it's like a one of the narnia books. I can't remember where in the chronology it is. It's like one of the Narnia books? Yeah. Yeah, they didn't make it into a movie because there's not much to make into a movie, really.

But, um... And so we're like, oh, that looks neat. And they're using these huge puppet mechanical horses and puppet mechanical cats. They're really neat looking. It was because they, they ripped off the schematics from war horse and Broadway,

but that's, that doesn't matter for now. Okay. It's like, Oh, cool. Like they're using these, these huge puppets and she's like,

Oh yeah, we should go. But it was an, it was fairly deep in the south side of South Carolina. So it was a bit of a road trip to get there. And so we drove down there. And the area wasn't like, it wasn't the worst I've seen in the state. But it wasn't, it was a little rundown in areas.

I was like, okay. You know, there's like an Arby's next to a Bojangles next to a McDonald's next to a Wendy's. You're describing every Midwestern town. Describing every small American town in the country. Yeah, exactly. Just like roads falling apart and we're like, okay, we'll keep going. We turn into like this off-road

and it turns into kind of a swamp that has like rotting train tracks. Like, oh, alright. And then we find the theater and it looks like it may have been a church at one point it probably was or say oh okay and we couldn't find parking initially because it was in like this kind of gravel lot that looked like in any other place where like employee parking would be like behind the building it's like oh okay that's a little fine odd but all right and so we go in and we go in it's like oh it looks pretty nice in here there's a lot of people around we're having a good time it sounds

incredibly suspicious how you're describing it no yeah because like they have like the snack bar off to the like everything looks fine yeah they even had these um they had like an auction because they had actual um props from them like the movies on display they had like from a line which in the wardrobe they had like the peter's armor and his sword they had like all these movie props like there was tons probably a significant amount of stuff like it just in this hallway for people to look at and like but the stuff you can auction on was shitty one was like yeah do you remember um i guess this is judging your memory of narnia when the evil dwarf at the

end pulls out a dagger and goes and goes to try and attack somebody and he just fucking dies from an arrow. You could auction that for that arrow. You could put a bit on it. The arrow? It sounds like something you would want to own. You specifically. Well, the thing is, it was like a Halloween prop. It looked like plastic. Behind the glass they had the fucking

engraved Peter sword that's really finely made and all this other stuff. But they have like no one back there. Like if I was more crafty and more dangerous someone could have easily like robbed them. Easily. Like they had no one

like standing around like constantly watching it which was fucking bonkers. Now you sound suspicious. Well it's fucking weird like like these weren't like oh it's you know a shoe from star wars it's like oh you know chronicles of narnia like here's all the main cast costumes here's like all the main props they use in the movie and they're just behind like they haven't locked glass cases they're like the ones where you you twist the little thing i mean how are you gonna sneak a sword and armor out of there

there were multiple exits in the building. It's like you could grab the sword and just like run out. Better hope there's no security camera. There wasn't. It's like... Oh, it was a church. Yeah. There's nothing. They don't need security. God will protect them. I worked in a community theater and let me tell you, there's nothing

worth stealing to have security cameras in there. Yeah, it was like a temporary display because Christopher whoever's the heir to the C.S. Lewis people he donated them temporarily so they could have it on display there.

It was not planned for. Are there Narnia super fans, you think? Yeah. They're just movie fans in general. It's like Disneyney it's like hey uh i have this oh it is a disney using the chronicles of narnia basically like narnia is like harry potter for very conservative christian people yeah oh my dad loves it it fills that yeah it fills the demographics it's like it's young adult adventure stuff, but it is it is centered around Jesus. But it's about Jesus.

But Jesus is a cat. Exactly. What? We'll get we'll get to that. Oh, no. Oh, no. Anyways. Bad.

Anyways. So we we don't get any snacks. We we go to our seats and I remember buying the tickets online, and it was like, oh, you could buy a regular seat or a premium seat, but there was no difference between the seatings you could choose, which struck me as odd. And we go to the chairs, and they're all wooden. They look like baseball stadium bleachers, but they're made of wood.

Okay. They're very small, and I was fucking lost for words. Wait, do you mean like church benches? No, not like pews. They're like armrest baseball stadium chairs. But wood instead of plastic. They look like they would

fold up, but they did not. Okay. And so we sit down and we're like man these chairs are pretty uncomfortable and i look in front of me and the very front row has actual like cushion theater chairs but the row right in front of us some of them have like these um they brought like these seating pads with them And then we realized this is a regular thing. And then we looked back and they're fucking selling seating pads for you to buy as a separate add-on. Was it expensive? It was like 10 bucks or something per pad.

It's like you got to the seat. It would be like going to the movie theater. It's like, where do I put my drink? Oh, you can get a cup holder for 10 bucks if you want. It's like where do i put my drink oh you can get a cup holder for a 10 bucks if you want it's like a father john misty song yeah jesus and so we're just we're sitting there like okay this is kind of weird and and we're looking at the programs the uh the person the front gave us and that's when the warning signs start because it has uh advertisements for local business and the very

first thing i see on the first page is a guy who looks like the um i can't remember his name but he has the orange hair and like the original planet of the apes he's like the orangutan like high priest dr zeus yeah the guy looks exactly like dr zeus Dr. Zane. Jesus Christ. He's advertising his dental clinic. And he's like, I do great dentistry. And I'm looking at the, and at the bottom it has this big, also learn the truth about autism,

vaccinations, and other medical conditions at my seminars. Yikes. I know about teeths. No, because I'm just like, why the fuck would you put this on your dental ad? Like, also learn the truth about autism and vaccinations. While he's in your mouth,

he just starts fucking talking about autism. All the brain killers. You don't need Novocaine. You just need some essential oils all he does is use placebos when he's drilling into your fucking teeth yeah and so i hope red keeps the brochure later because like i think she kept it because i'd love to have a picture of that guy because and we're sitting there waiting and so she's kind of flipping through it still and i look up his uh his clinic and there are like reviews

for it on Google which are actually fairly high but then I found the one star review and she's like yeah I've never been to him before and I started talking about how my post people had I was waiting for a package because like my post people kept being late and then he leaned close to me and he

whispered were they black people oh she's like I could not believe he said And then he leaned close to me and he whispered, Were they black people? Oh! She's like, I could not believe he said this to me, and I was so offended. I'll never come here again. And, like, there were a bunch of good reviews from locals, like, yeah, he's the best and only man we have

in town. I was like, well, that is kind of a default. And there were, like, these one- and two-star reviews from people who were, like, very questionable about him. It would be stuff like, yeah, it was a pretty good dentist experience, but for some

reason he kept saying my son might have evil spirits or something, but I'd go back, honestly. What the fuck? Yeah, and so I'm, like like what the fuck is going on here and like the other businesses in the they were being advertised were very not on that level but very similar and energy there was like one was like selling a yard equipment but the guy looked like he had fought in... He looked like Wolverine, like he had fought in possibly every war. But it would be like, clean your lawn.

I know about doing the dirty work and cleaning stuff up for our country. It's like, oh, fuck. What the fuck? And so, finally, they had this huge screen above the actual stage. And they started playing like...

They started showing images of a new theater they were going to build. And they were like, hey, you know, we're going to try and move locations because the theater is getting so popular that we need to... We're going to need to make our location bigger. Was the theater full? Oh, yeah. It was packed oh in fact just recently um they announced they're like running more showings of the play until like late summer because it's been packed every time like it was extremely popular and so they're talking about

that and then they have this man this man comes up and he's a key character i don't know his name i'm just gonna call him the pastor because the first thing he says he said was i'm not a pastor in the saint of church but those become challenged very soon and so he's like we're all ready to see the play and have a good time you know he's like yeah i know he's trying to hype up the audience yeah he's like you ready to see a war horse? Yeah! Okay. And then out of nowhere, these two stagehands bring out a huge American flag. Everyone rise for the pledge.

Oh my god! Assuming direct control. Holy fuck. Oh my god. And so the audience stands up. And me and Ren are just looking at each other like, what the fuck is happening? Because she probably hasn't, like, started to say the pledge since fucking elementary school.

Like, we're so fucking baffled by this. And so everyone says the pledge. It's like, we're saying the pledge. And he's like, all right, now let us pray. And everyone immediately bows their heads but i'm like i'm kind of like a little i'm not really weirded out by this like it's the south like sure this isn't crazy what was crazy is how he starts heads. Dear Aslan. Oh my god. This is in the swamps, right?

No, Aslan is the fucking lion. No, I know, but like this town is in the middle of the swamps, right? Yeah, well, yeah. Explains fucking everything. But the swamp is like it's not far off the main road. It's like a two minute drive off the main road it's it's like a two minute drive off the main road isn't aslan the jesus he's the big lion in narnia the lion for nobody isn't he supposed yes he's an allegory for jesus yes he's an allegory but he's the prayer of your aslan

you don't pray to aslan david don't you usually pray to god though yeah exactly that's what makes it really fucking weird Not the fictional character. That is an allegory for Jesus David. No, how are you stuck on this? How are you not understanding what I'm saying? I do understand what you're saying. I'm explaining what you're wrong You don't play to Aslan I'm saying it's weird that they pray to Jesus because you're supposed to pray to God. Jesus is God. Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Jesus is God.

In some Christianity, they're separate and some are the same person. It doesn't matter. If he said Jesus, I would not have bat an eye. Yeah, because that's not the weird part. When he prayed to the lion, I raised the diaper out. I love, I love, love oh dear aslan wait a minute you're not supposed to pray to jesus well this is over here it's separate i don't know man

i thought i thought both were weird it's like layers all i'm getting from this is that the christian the furry christian community came from the bayou i don't know because the problem is now me and red are trying really hard not to laugh because this has already been i've never been to a play where you stand for the pledge and then segues into a prayer and the second he said dear aslan it's like we're trying to hold it together and he's like dear aslan protect us. You are the lion of the tribe of Judah. And he's going on about it. And he's like, please, please protect our people who are constantly under attack in these times. And I'm like, what?

Oh, boy. I looked around. There was only white people there, really. Of course. Yeah. And so we're trying to like decipher what this prayer means because we had a good idea but we kept going on he's like and please protect our values which are constantly being challenged

by your enemies great aslan amen and the problem is the kid i'm like are these kids thinking of like the witch or are they thinking of like the devil i genuinely didn't know and so we're like okay that was weird the play will start right wrong he starts talking with the theater and like how great the staff and the actors are and everything. And he goes, okay, remember, this isn't a church. Everyone laugh. And he did like that Final Fantasy fucking like forced laugh.

Yeah, exactly. He's like, everyone else laugh with me. And then everyone starts laughing like that. The whole audience is like, ha ha ha ha ha. My fucking God. Did you laugh? Of course we laughed. You're the only people that are really laughing. Of course we laughed.

And at this point, I was wondering if it was a dream. Like, wow. I dreamed about that play we were going to go to tomorrow. It was really fucking weird. Like, wow. I dreamed about that play we were going to go to tomorrow. It was really fucking weird. Oh my god. And so we finish the laugh to reinforce this is not a church.

And he starts to talk about the theater school that some of these people came from. He's like, well, they came from a theater school off north, but you know, we did a lot of good work there because the school was very prestigious but the school was in spiritual trouble if you know what i mean but i didn't

but i we had we have a guess and that was do you think there might have been do you think there were any gay people to theater school do you think there might have been, do you think there were any gay people at a theater school? Yeah, I think there might have been. Do you think that's possible? I think it's very possible. I mean, it was pretty much confirmed a moment later when he was like, well, we all must be together, and marriage between man and a woman are so sacred. And I was like, ah. Oh my god god gay conversion there

i was like there may have been some homos at the theater school say it ain't so i mean i what was more surprising was the fact that he seemed like so so shaken by it like he was he's running you know a theater and he was shocked to find that there were others among the theater staff. Gaming. But we don't know what he meant by we like, he's like, you know, it was in spiritual trouble, but we cleaned it up. What does that mean? I don't know. You left that bit out.

That's like either murder or gay conversion therapy. You know, they might have said they might have kicked them out or they might have electrocuted everybody. You right i don't know i don't know the chair for you mandy doesn't have the answers to these questions a lot of rainbow flags out there in the swamp yeah and i was like i love the idea of gay people emerging from the swamp muck like monsters to destroy this small Christian town.

They're under attack. They all flood into the Arby's parking lot. They're holding hands. The thing was, he implied the school was very, like, the Cedar School was very far away. Like, he's, like, up north. And I'm like, what is the reach of this man? And I started thinking about it. Because I'm like, there's this huge, like, display case of all these fucking, probably hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not millions worth of, like, movie props.

That you could just steal. Yeah. Millions of dollars of movie props are just hanging out in like this unguarded alley. This guy's talking about this school that he has some sort of influence over.

And then they show a film of the, I can't remember his name, but it's the C.S. Lewis inheritor. It's like his step grandson or whatever. And he's like addressing

the theater staff directly and he was like consulting for it. So I'm wondering like how much power does this man really have like if you were a very powerful man you could make a blip or you could hide out in the swamp yeah you could you could either make a blip in the world or own the swamp right that. That's like in Far Cry 5. Core reference. Far Cry 5 is in Montana.

It's not swampy at all. It's not swampy in Montana at all, David. That's all I know about the America. It's good enough. It's good enough. Yeah, so he gives this very, very long talk about all this stuff. Like, it's honestly just a blur to remember it it was like roll under attack and aslan will protect us and it was getting really hard because the problem was he was starting to like switch

between like talk about jesus and god to aslan like just like interchangeably yeah interchangeably like you're like oh god watches over all of us and don't worry because Aslan will smite our enemies and I'm like the thing is he was only using Aslan in a really fucking vengeful context yeah he's he's like the idea of

Jesus without having to actually be but he would mention Jesus too. No, I know. I know, I'm saying. Aslan will fuck him up though. He's using Aslan as like Jesus who can fucking destroy people. Like vengeful Jesus because that's technically not blaspheming. He found a really good loophole.

I guess, but the problem was I started thinking about the movie fucking split when he's talking about that I started imagining Aslan with like a split personality disorder so now I'm trying not to laugh when he's like talking more about everything going on and going wrong in America it's like okay and we're just saying like just please

just please start the play and then finally finally the play starts and it finally, finally the play starts. And it was really good. The only problem was for the, because they copied the design for the mechanical horses from War Horse. So they looked fantastic. The thing was they hadn't mastered the other animals, which was a cat. And there was also a dog i think i don't remember

i remember the cat specifically because you know a cat is a very small animal right right now you have your little cat has little moving parts the question is uh you know you you have the horse which had i think three puppeteers for a life-size mechanical horse. The cat had five. You couldn't see the cat. She's five men. Yeah, the actors would be like, oh, kitty, you're back. And you'd hear like, meow.

You'd just see this little huddle crowd of people shuffle across the stage and they're all like because like they had like one moving like the front paws one was moving the head one was doing the back legs one was moving like the middle part of it so it could articulate and one was controlling the tail and you could not see the goddamn cat so it's just all these men in black just no they're not in black they're not in black no the stagehands weren't in black they're wearing like they're like the same color right no no they're wearing like mixes of like browns blacks and grays like different colored pants they weren't dressed like ninja stagehands they were dressed i mean that's not even that's just how you have to dress when you're a stage hand like in basically every production you know they're dressed like they're at a renaissance

fair okay like whoever's directing it was like oh let's not go there but yeah and so you'd hear like meow meow and like maybe petting it and stuff and it's like i can't see the cat it's like a major it's a major part of this but when they had um i think i heard this kid in the front of me and he's like i can't see the cat and his mom's like yes you can i didn't know what to i didn't know what to... I didn't know what to think of it. Because he shut up afterwards. He was like, no, I can't. When a kid's that young,

they would probably do that. That kid knew he was going to get hit when they got home if he said it again. Oh, no. I'm pretty sure everyone was whispering about Aslan to their kids because they did have an Aslan. And kids because they did have an Aslan and he looked fucking terrifying he was

I'm actually gonna see if I could yeah there are pictures of it it's so fucking terrifying link these in the description their Aslan didn't look like a lion it looked like a skeletal vengeful tree.

What? It had empty soulless eye sockets. Vengeful tree. Oh, there it is. Here's, here's Aslan. Oh, what the fuck? Oh my god. What is that?

That's Aslan. Why is he made of wood? I don't know. Who are the men inside? are so that see that's those are the puppeteers you see what i mean they just have them yeah yeah they're just like in costume they're just in tunic yeah they're just like in costumes they're not like stagehands that is fucking horrifying does the mouth move no which actually made it much scarier because um i heard we heard kids crying very quickly you know as you know the movie is like aslan's voiced by liam neeson yeah he's very

like i've come to protect you yeah they're aslan sounded like when it came out who awakens me hazlan he was like fucking whisper it was like a smoker voice whispering it was really it's really unsettling because everything else hazlan's like oh jesus is here like this is good who disturbs me

hazlan and this big fucking skull like walks out of the fog he's like, I will smite my enemies. Your kid's fucking losing it. Point me towards the gaze.

Secure the border. Yeah. Ah, little Jim Jam, you stop crying. That there's the good guy. There's a side view of it, too. It had these fucking exposed ribs. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

It's this fucking monster. All the kids are screaming. And their parents are desperately trying to tell them, that's the good guy. That's Jesus. That's Jesus. Here's Jesus, the kingdom hearts boss oh my yeah just get liam neeson for fuck's sake but that fucking place the only place that's gonna hire him these days oh to be fair liam neeson would be welcome there. He would be very welcome. That's exactly what I'm saying.

I love that scene in The Phantom Menace where you talk to Mace Windu and reach for your lightsaber. But anyways. Jesus fucking Christ. So yeah, the play was really good. But the point Aslan came, there was a very, very sudden shift in the audience that's

holy fuck why are the ribs open I don't know that's like really weird yeah it's like this weird and like his face has like holes in it he's like rotting the creature design is really cool but I don't think that's what they're going for

no it looks like it's fucking getting like the fucking The creature design is really cool, but I don't think that's what they're going for. No. It looks like it's fucking getting... Like the fucking... Ugh. And it's like... That's fucking weird shit. And it's really a shift because the cat, when we saw it, did look like a cat. And the horses are like...

They look great. Like everything else was very like... Was very like, oh, it looks... They look cute. They look magical. And then fucking emerges from the fog we're just like what the fuck is happening

like I thought it was supposed to be Tash at first I thought it was supposed to be like their Muslim fucking evil god that C.S. Lewis wrote about like a four armed bird thing I think it was Tash whatever it is but then this thing fucking lumbers out evil god that C.S. Lewis wrote about. Oh, yeah. The four-armed bird thing, I think. I think it was a tash, whatever it is.

But then this thing fucking lumbers out. And, you know, the ribs are exposed. It has, like, steam pouring off of it. You can't see the puppeteers at first because it's, like, bathed in fog and smoke and shadow. And the kids are flipping shit. So it just looks alive? Yeah, it looked alive. And, like, it rears up.

Like, you just see the rib cage. It's like it's like a fucking beast. It's like a wild animal. Do you think this was C.S. Lewis's step grandson's idea? I don't know how much input he had on it, but I know that the puppets mostly existed before he was like doing anything. Because he was impressed by like a previous play and he's like oh that's neat i like their aslan because they might they think they did another narnia thing where they use the same creepy puppet but they didn't make it look i don't know if it's

like just rotting from like being in the back or something or what's happening is it made of flesh how would that happen i didn't touch it i don't know they say you could touch the puppets at the end we're like we're leaving because we're not touching the puppets no touch the touch the puppets become cursed so yeah like we hear the parents desperately like whispering like it's okay it's you it's okay you know and there's there's so many little like like around us because like i would be too i was feeling that inside looking at it because the boy's like who are you i was the cat in the garden i was the voice on the wind i rendered the flesh of your friend

which he did because one of the characters like i was chased by lions and he cut me but he's he's introducing this like you know jesus is always there he's always watching over you i rendered the flesh of your friend i am everywhere i am all just touch the puppets and get sent to the sunken place. And so, like, even when he wasn't, like, sounding like he was about to smite this child on stage, he would always talk this really creepy whisper. It was just like, I am Aslan.

He turned like fucking Igor. And we're just like, this is a really strange voice direction because the guy who voiced the horse was like the talking horse he's like we'll have an adventure and have fun and I'm like oh he could have played Aslan could have dual parted but we have

possibly a smoking technician just like fucking with people. You think the actor was sick? No because they choreographed it too so i thought of that at first so i was like is this like a last minute thing because this is this is so bizarre but no it's choreographed because like would go like the head would like shake around and stuff like it looked like an ant like it's like when you see those um like those old like when animals attack stuff you see a clearly agitated animal about to go ape shit aslan was doing that a lot

yikes so yeah and then so after aslan's appearance like all the fog disappears he's like fuck the gays And then he gets off stage. Like, the fog clears, and this lady comes out, this chipper lady. Okay, everyone, it's time for intermission. And so,

and then I realized it. I realized it was probably fucking genius. Because all of a sudden, all these parents are rushing off to the side hallway to take their kids to the snack bar. I was like, oh, that's why. Why they made him fucking terrifying? Yeah.

It's like, oh, it's OK. OK, we're going to get we're going to get a candy bar. We're going to get we're going to get some popcorn. Come on, Caleb. Come on. We're going to get popcorn. You like popcorn and parents desperately getting their kids like little treats to try to calm them down for this

fucking traumatic experience with this undead dark souls lion it was working so many so like every parent rushed off to the snack bar holding their terrified children. That's the perfect crime. That's fucking genius. Because watching him just like, what the fuck? How are they doing this? And it's like, oh, that's why. Was he less terrifying afterwards?

Yes. Well, mostly. Oh, I mean, he's still a rotting tree. Yes! Well, mostly. Oh. I mean, he's still a rotting tree. No, there was a point where he, um... Yeah, when he came back, Rest of the Planet was fine. Aslan comes back once, and he's like, You have served me well,

horse, and you will be in the kingdom of Narnia. But then, he confronts the main bad guy at the end. And I thought for sure, like, they were going to kill him in real life on stage. Because I didn't know what kind of play this was anymore. And he's like, Aslan, I will defy you.

I spit on your name. And then Aslan actually, like, it's going to chill up my spine. It was so fucking terrifying. It was, it turned into fire and brimstone. So he goes, your doom is approaching rapidly and the guys like still talking I want to be free your doom is at the door Your fate is in great peril, Infidel. Did they fucking bring out Aslan when they fucking... You know when the sound people pump it up the bass?

They're like... They're playing these fucking... Fury Road war drums. As Aslan's talking about how he's's gonna rip him apart from the molecular level. And I'm at this point like main writer holding hands. We're preparing for this guy to actually die on stage. And then he goes and all the lights go out. All of them.

We're starting this. Kids are already crying again and the lights turn back on he's fucking no he's not gone the people on stage are going ha ha ha and kind of laughing like ha ha look what Aslan did

what the fuck the villain has been turned into a donkey which in the book when you read it as a book it's very like whimsical but he has like donkey ears and like they threw like a mask on him so he's like a donkey but he still has human limbs he's crawling on all fours and he's making these really pained brays like They're like, ha ha ha ha. He's going, none of the people with the eyes are laughing. He's like,

he's like, I have turned you into a donkey. Then your form will remain in this way. It's fucking terrifying. Is that what they did to the gazays at arby's i don't know he's like he's been transformed in like this really visceral like fucking cronenberg way this really horrible man like if they're gonna make cute you know you'd like put like you could have one on his hands

and legs like maybe put like some some shit around his limbs so it looks like hoves put the funny mask on the tail on him have him go like hee haw hee haw hee haw yeah he's yeah he's just like wearing like big socks with fake yeah you make something? Yeah, you make it funny. They didn't do that. This play was entirely designed to scare kids about sinning. Maybe! Because it's like, you can return to your form, but you may never venture more than five miles from one of my temples,

or your form will remain this way permanently. Oh, fucking Christ! And people on stage are like, take this silly donkey to the like, Ha ha ha! Take this silly donkey to the temple! Ha ha ha! Let's lead him away! Ha ha ha!

NOOOOOO! Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. We're sitting there fucking stunned by this. And then they do the happily ever after Mary... Happily ever after ending. Like ending like oh they so and so got married they were friends the end and they end on a very happy note but i i kept thinking

of the donkey i couldn't stop thinking about the donkey that fucking that play just sounds like swamp essence boiled into, like, performance. And it wasn't, what's weird, it wasn't like the whole play was, oh, this is fucking weird. It's just like, oh, this is really good. But then, but then these moments come. Fucking weird moments. These moments are really, really memorable. I left the theater and I turned around and the theater was gone.

Like a bad creepypasta. Swallowed into the swamp. I looked back and it wasn't Arby's. I looked back with my hyper-realistic eyes and an Arby's parking lot was there. The mud men were holding hands. realistic eyes and an Arby's parking lot was there. So when the curtains finally dropped and they're like, oh, that's a play. Thank you for coming. You can donate.

We have snacks still. There's the auction. And you can come up and see the mechanical puppets, see our puppets, our amazing puppets and our amazing crew. And then... Jesus. And some kids, they go up. And they have the horses on the left side of the stage.

And all the little kids trying to pet them and stuff. But when they're petting them, they're all looking over at Aslan. Aslan has no one petting him. There's a few male adults that are hanging out by him like there's like a few like male adults are like hanging out by him like kind of looking him over like oh that's a neat puppet

the kids don't want to go near Aslan huh yeah like weird I see this one mom like pulling her child by the arm she's like come on let's see Aslan and he's like he's not even standing anymore he's like his

knees are dragging across the carpet oh my god he's just going I don't want to see Aslan oh my god he's like Aslan won't hurt you if you're a good boy and he's like I don't know if i am

holy shit dude his mother mom's just like well when we go to ass land we'll find out i'm like oh no this poor fucking kid's imagining his life as a donkey as he's being dragged to this puppet. Oh my god. It's fucking terrifying.

Yeah, and so and so we just kind of look at each other and we're like, let's see what's on auction. I kind of want Peter's sword. And then we look and it's like's like oh wait the only things are auctioning are the dwarf arrow and the dwarf dagger and uh i guess i guess in the beginning when they have like their tags before they go on the train like they're wearing their their war tags

you could buy one of those and i was like oh fuck it let's get out of here you didn't want any memorabilia from this night no i i hope she has the uh the brochure somewhere but other than that no just memories that will never go away because that are how hard to try we're walking out and they have this huge image of the new theater they're making it's gigantic on like the screen and they have like this donation meter because I guess they're building it like it's already very far into construction apparently oh yeah someone already donated the land for free

and we're building on it and so I'm imagining like what are these people going to do with a higher budget like Aslan will breathe fire I was about to say that exactly is Aslan going to breathe fire. Like, is someone going to die in the audience?

They will pay for death row inmates to play the characters of the villains. The executions will be on stage. Yeah. Are you willing to go back to this this town to go see a play someday? Maybe because I would love to do that they're showing it again through fucking the end of summer still for whatever reason and they'll have more

plays I really want to see that I mean I it's all very it was just it was odd it was all very odd and then like we're walking out we're hearing people's little conversations like about about the play they're just like well are that that mr pastor some really good ideas oh my god just like what do they mean by that he didn't he didn't really

say any ideas just like pastors are pretty good are pretty good ideas. I mean, you wouldn't know. Didn't you fucking you passed out for a moment? Maybe during his ramble he said something that I just missed because it was like so much at once. And I heard like other people saying like, oh, we should go to Dr. Zaius's you know, autism

seminar. Oh my god. Okay, Mandy. Follow up question. are you willing to go with me to the autism seminar i wish i had because it wasn't just like it wasn't just those it was like those were the ones that like stick with you the most because it's like, oh, you know, vaccines, autism, of course. But there were weird ones on there like AIDS and I think SARS. And I think it had some really exotic diseases listed on there. Like, learn the truth about malaria. What?

And it's just like, what truth? What does that mean? How are you not interested how do you not want to go to the seminar i'm interested but i don't want to i don't know what'll happen there i really don't what do you think is gonna happen something terrifying like it wasn't like it didn't specify because it's like call for more info it didn't specify like oh is this like a public thing like a bunch of Or is this, like, a one-on-one confrontation? You just go to this man's house.

I think so. You go into his garage, and he shows you his graphs. Yeah. It seemed like a one-on-one thing, which was fucking baffling. The wife won't let me hold these in the house anymore, so we're going to go out to the shack out back. Maybe. It's right next to the swamp so mind the gas please mind the gas

I wish I could remember the name I could probably look it up later mind the gas and the mudman but like the reviews were so fascinating just like oh these like four or five high scores and like the it was a one or a five like oh these these like four five high scores than like the constant it was a one or a five like oh yeah the uh the equipment he uses is really ancient and i looked on his wall and he had

like this big corkscrew device and he didn't say what it was for but he just had it on the desk and it made me uncomfortable just like so yeah it was like a medieval torture device and just on his on the counter you know it kind of made me uncomfortable because I was staring at it like during my whole procedure It's like I did not understand anything And so we we left We went to the cookout. Everything was undercooked and then we left town. I Don't know how this story man this fucking my brain dude yeah it's probably shit it was really something like the full experience yeah like I

feel like I lived it all the pro images like really really cute like oh here's the play it looks like it'll no those are some neat looking puppets and then you get in there and death and murder dear Aslan they kept calling him the lion of the tribe of Judah like afterwards when they were talking about it just like remember

Aslan of the tribe of Judah these are like no these fucking horses look really good oh yeah like they look fucking great as a yeah like as a puppet the aslan looks good too it's just conceptually the horses are great because they were like a one-to-one ripoff of the broadway production like they had these uh schematics in the back where they talked about, like, oh, who built so-and-so built the puppet, but they did not say who designed it, which, because they were not

going to, I, there were questionable things going on, but they weren't going to say, oh, we designed that puppet. Like, oh, we'll go there for the horses, then we go there, and it's like, it's fucking good. That picture's the fucking weirdest. I i don't know why imagine waking up to that yeah that girl in the brown hair is like what the fuck look at his cold dead eyes the skeletal rib cage his leaf i'm glad his leaf mane it looks looks like a... I hate when people say this, but it looks like a

Souls boss. It does. It really does. It really does, yeah. It's terrifying. And it's like... It has to be intentional, but it's like, no. They could not have made this just to make people go to the snack bar. What art of this has Len as a souls boss?

I don't get it. I don't know if they're like, oh, it'll be like nature. And like they didn't, they're making it like a really bright like warehouse. And they weren't like, oh, they didn't think of it. That's what I guess. That's what I'm guessing. We'll get like a mane of leaves. So he'll look like he's part of nature and part of the world.

Yeah. We'll get a mane of leaves so he'll look like he's part of nature and part of the world. That doesn't explain the open ribcage or the rotting holes in his face. That is true. The leaf mane looking like a tree spirit wouldn't bother me if it wasn't for the way it was

executed. I guess they had to keep it a bit open. Cloth. Yeah, but I don't know, man. They could have draped like fur over it. Like it's a lot, but then it's like, no, that go against the rotting tree bark aesthetic. I'm glad that a podcast is an audio format because people on SoundCloud are going to be like I want to see this fucking lion it's going to be linked

it's so fucking creepy looking it's so big I was worried I'd have nightmares about it just their voice their most like creepy voice actor when they had on hand, let's go on an adventure.

We're going to have fun in a far away land. I'll smite you. Your doom is at the door. Your doom approaches rapidly. It is at the door. Did you find the website to the theater? Yeah, I did. I saw this puppet. I was like, what is at the door. Did you find the website to the theater? Yeah, I did. I saw this puppet.

I was like, what is this thing? It has a Christmas hat. God began to plan a vision for the future in his mind. Okay. All right. Wow, that looks fun. I like the glowing red eyes. That's going to make the snack horse crazy.

By the way, if I type the name of the theater Google auto completes it to the horse and his boy yeah like it's everyone's gonna be able to find the theater yeah I'm just not gonna say it in case people inevitably leave reviews about like you know Aslan scared the shit out of my kids I'd love to come back

I'll check the Google reviews again in like a week. It's going to be like Mystery of the Druids. It's all Lowry references. I have no clue how to go into Patreon questions. You can literally just say Patreon questions. I know, but I feel like I've been drained out of life essence after that fucking story.

What if I start with my own question? After the part where Aslan's face split open and scarabs poured out of him. It didn't seem that relevant. You're next. Your doom is at the door. I'll pay an ounce to Aslan for

Mortal Kombat 11. That'd be pretty sick. Oh my god. Patron questions. If you're part of the ten dollars and above tier you can ask a question hypothetical whatever for this part of the podcast and we're gonna answer it nice dude you think you think after this much time you would know how to do it yeah segway you would know how to do it. Yeah. Segwaying is a skill. It takes a lot of time.

So, Boxes of Tacos asks, if you could change one or more traits of a character from any piece of media, who would you choose and what would you change? What? Sorry, if you could fix Luke Skywalker. Yeah, give him three arms that's not a personality trait yeah there's something to darth maul i guess it's just a trait yeah it's just a trait i turn riku into buff riku

oh never mind i make luke skywalker lactose intolerant I turn Riku into Buff Riku. Oh, never mind. I make Luke Skywalker lactose intolerant. So I don't have to remember him drinking milk from the alien that parts a Jar Jar. That's the one thing I want changed. Take the spikes off Darth Maul. Just take them off. Make them removable. Make it so he's

doing the fight and they're just popping off as he's going. Give Jon Snow a lisp. My queen. That won't change his lines, Avery. Only for season 8. You're my queen. I don't want it. No, make Jon Snow sound like a camp homosexual.

Yeah, my queen. She is my queen. I don't like this at all. That's fucking awful. I really hate that. Oh, fuck. this at all that's fucking awful i really hate that oh fuck all right what's next um eric scott gillies asks hey in the event of a catastrophe in which the psd crew is all stranded and alone who do you think is most likely to turn to cat and cannibalism first and who do you think is the first on the choppy block first then david's the one who's dying yeah

any any disagreement i can't david or david or kyle i'd like kyle would sacrifice himself wouldn't what i If you met Kyle, he absolutely would not. He would... Where are we stranded? Kyle would insist on it being a democratic system where we vote and then David is the first to die. He's too busy to look at

his reflection in the water. What? What? I assume you were gonna say that he was distracted by his reflection in the water but that just came out because he always because he always looks at himself in the mirror yeah that's what i'm saying he was too distracted to look at his reflection in the water oh did i what the fuck am i saying ostentat says, the PST crew and all of their guests get their own Smash Bros. style game

and everyone is a character. What is everyone's moveset like and where do they rank on the tier list? Fuck, that's intricate. That's very intricate. I didn't read it before I read it out loud and I don't have an answer for that one. Fuck.

Smash Bros. style game. Let's start with... I'm like the Big Daddy from PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale. What? Literally that moveset. I'm done. I don't know what it did.

I want to move like Claymation. I want them to just put me... I want to look like if I was a Smash Bros. character, either Claymation or I'd want to just put me like, I want to look like if I was a Smash Brothers character, either claymation or I'd want to look like the Mortal Kombat like superimposed images from like the OG Mortal Kombat fighters. I just have

six of these. Mountain Dew and Garfield related. No, God, no. No, Korn related. I want to be an Iowa fighter. I want to fight for my state. Nice, dude. Defend your state's honor. Yeah, won't even be called Brent Daniels. It'll just be Korn-related. I want to be an Iowa fighter. I want to fight for my state. Nice, dude. Defend your state's honor. Yeah, won't even be called Brent Daniels.

I'll just be Kornboy. I want to be like Phoenix Wright in Marvel vs. Capcom 3 where I just fall and hurt myself to hurt others. Alright. I would just be Briggs.

I already have his moveset figured out. We all know that Avery would just want to be Joseph Joestar from JSTAR's Ultimate Victory Versus. What? I don't know anything about JSTAR's. Where his ultimate ability is he pulls out the gem

and then shoots a laser out of it. That's pretty good though. I want to be Ryuk. Avery's final smash as he pulls out the gem and then shoots a laser out of it. That's pretty good though. I want to be Ryuk. He summons the big No Man's Sky symbol. Then everyone falls to the floor and dies. This is such an intricate question. I have no idea

where to bring it. Unarmed Toaster asks Do you have any games that you used to love but can't play anymore because they did not age well what could be done to make them playable again see david when you have nothing left to say on a question you just read the next one you don't have to acknowledge that you don't have anything more to say yeah um kingdom hearts one um Kingdom Hearts 1 okay

because it sucks mine's the mine's the first Ratchet and Clank mine's the original Ratchet and Clank that's a good one actually literally anything on the N64 okay

take that back almost i cannot i cannot play anything golden eye banjo golden golden eye is a really good one actually banjo i think banjo is fine a lot of platformers don't hold up but like yeah my my hand is too dumb like my hands are too dummy thing for the controller honestly Honestly, how could you... Wait, how could you make it playable for Kingdom Hearts? Remove the Dalmatians. Take them all out. All of them.

Just take them out. I don't care. Why would you take out... Because I want them out. Leave, like, six. Six Dalmatians. Change the movie to six Dalmatians. Yeah.

It's a much more manageable amount of like a yeah yeah they have like a puppy hoarding situation it's like a fucking spider dog all these microscopic puppies running around on it oh shut mouth that's disgusting that really grossed me out hey staslyn's smiling in this picture. I'm still just going through these pictures. I don't think lions smile. I think they bare their teeth.

Look at him. Look at him at the top. He's smiling. He's passing judgment upon the sinners in the audience. But he's smiling while he does it. He's doing it with a smile. Service with a smile. Service with a smile.

Aslan works at Best Buy. Aslan works at fucking Chick-fil-A. I don't think Chick-fil-A would even let him in. I'm the general manager. I pass judgment. Hey, can we get that line the fuck out of here?

I'm gonna be so fucking mad when I edit this. Can we please get the line the fuck out of here? To the customers. I like that it's like a fucking hardware store intercom in a Chick-fil-A that's not real you didn't say absolutely at least once I'm scared to touch it

intercom Mandy we done? yeah I'm scared to touch it. Intercommandy. We done? Yeah, that's what I was doing. Alright, thanks for listening, everybody. Shut up, David.