Please Stop Talking - Dungeons And Dragons Horror Stories: A PST Side-Note

Episode Date: November 30, 2018

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Hey, hey, Timmy, get away from the dysentery hole. Oh my God. Greetings, adventurers, and welcome to an episode of the Please Stop Talking podcast. This is in relation to a previous episode where we talked about D&D horror stories, or a fan asked about D&D horror stories, and we're continuing that with some horror stories of our own. Today, we have David. Howdy. A level 15 paladin who knows what he loves.

We have Mandy. Hey. A level 472 ranger who loves shooting arrows at animals. We have Creel as well. Hey. A level 1 peasant. That's it. Was I a paladin? How am I a paladin? I don't know dude.

I just like to think of you as like completely opposite of what I would normally think of you. I like to think of you as like completely opposite of what i would normally think of you i like to think of you in shining armor and mandy with a bow and arrow ravenously just just killing things i mean i guess so this is how my friend invented the choke slam in the 1950s uh this is a call of cthulhu story so it was oh fuck do i have to explain what call of cthulhu is it's a spooky i don't know it's a spooky it's a spooky game it's a spooky it's a it's a horror story of an horror rpg yeah we can put it like that they were really late into an investigation i was dming this and it was with a few friends.

And some, I don't remember how, but they were in the sewers. And my players would always go out of their way to actually like lower their sanity. They were basically chasing this monster's shadow. And eventually they found the monster. And one of them went completely insane and started screaming and wailing. And the monsters like started running after them so they started running away and they found the exit to the sewers and when they ex like they exited they caught the attention of a shop owner and his like worried wife and like the guy just looks at them come out of the sewers and he's like worried so he comes up to them and he's like

hey you guys okay and he he notices that there's something not quite right about them because they're all insane all of them are insane and he he starts saying like hey maybe i should call the cops or the hospital because you guys are clearly insane and my friend just looks me dead in the eye and he says, I want to chokeslam him into the sewer. And his character is like this frail, insane psychologist. There is no way he is nearly strong enough to do this. So I'm thinking to myself, like, there's no way I can let him get away with this. Like, come on, man, you're derailing the game.

You're going to kill somebody for no reason. I told him he could roll, but honestly, whatever he would have rolled, I would still have made it an automatic fail. And he actually got a natural 99, which is a critical hit in Call of Cthulhu, because in Call of Cthulhu, you use the percentileulhu you use the uh the percentile die okay so that means it's an automatic success no matter what so i tell him well your dude grabs the man's neck with insane strength he lifts him up with ease and he fucking slams him into the sewers where the monsters were but i didn't i didn't want to let them all off easy

with that because fuck that like the woman is still there so the wife starts screaming for help and she's like panicking because she just saw she just saw this fucking psychologist joke slam her fucking her husband in the sewers so since she was screaming they all look at me and they say well we can't have her screaming that's crazy let's just all throw her down with him so they all cooperated to fucking throw him into the sewers with her with her husband and of course they succeeded because for some reason they kept getting like insane rolls maybe they were using weighted dice who the fuck knows dude she did a tabletop rpd with weighted dice maybe dude and they put back the lid on top of the sewers but i still didn't want to because they were like derailing the game

and killing people like at random so i was like like, I can't let them do that. So I was like, well, the, the, the cops are there. Cause like, fuck man, I don't know. I don't want this to, I don't want them to get away with it. So I say, there's two policemen that are coming towards you guys and they look like they want to confront you about what's happening. And right before the cops have a chance to say anything or anybody has a chance to say anything my friend he just turns to me and he says are there any cars around here so i'm like well yes there are cars you're like on the street and he says i steal a car and make a break for it and i was like fuck i guess roll and somehow they once again got a fucking automatic success and that's when i realized we weren't playing call of cthulhu anymore we were playing fucking

grand theft auto reverse la noir it was like the call of cthulhu actually has a rule set like a not a rule set a system for car chases and since i never thought that we would have that this would be a possibility in my mind i never thought there would be a car chase in the game i set up i had to call a fucking break just to read how a car chase would work that shit sucks dude it derailed completely i think i've read those rules the car chases are not even fun to play because you have to roll for so many things and it's like all of combat and dnd yeah and they got into the car they start this whole police chase in the city and that's like around when their streak of insanely good roles just ended i just had to make them roll for basic things and they would fail miserably so they crashed into newsstands and at one point they got like a

critical fail and i said well fuck I guess you ran over a grandma. Oh my God. Wait, back up. They ran over a grandma? They ran over a grandma. Just to give them something. Yeah, because I was like, I need to give them something. Because if there's nothing to like swerve or like dodge, what's the point?

So I was like, oh, there's a grandma on the street you guys have to roll to not hit her they fucking rolled a one and i was like well this clearly means that somebody dies and it's the grandma that dies so they ran over the grandma and a bunch of fucking insane doctors in a car somehow got out of it unscathed and that's how the chokeslam was invented I feel like the chokeslam

may have been around before that was it? I think so I mean wrestling's been a thing since the Romans the cowboys were always chokeslamming cowboys you know that reminds me of my my favorite christmas song oh grandma got ran over by a reindeer grandma was chokeslammed by an automobile oh my god well david thank you for your your rousing call of cthulhu story.

Call of Cthulhu is an interesting role-playing system. I recommend anybody check out Delta Green if you're going to get into Call of Cthulhu, because that's like X-Files type shit. Oh yeah, I've heard that's good. Yeah, I really want to try that out. Delta Green is really good. I had a friend who was running a campaign that is, I think she is still running it, that is SCP I think she is still running it that is SCP based.

Although we were really bad players, so we're not doing that anymore. I want to talk about Shadowrun, I guess. Well, actually, should I just tell my really awful, horrible D&D story and then maybe later Shadowrun? Oh yeah, sure.

I'm going to get a hard lemonade. Cool, dude. Back in high school is when i started playing dnd and we were playing fourth edition around then fourth edition is garbage by the way you use a card system it's all ability based everyone is a goddamn wizard everyone is a wizard and it's awful and i hate it i've only played one game before because yeah most people are playing 3.5. I don't remember. You're supposed to have cards with abilities on them. So technically it's a card system but not really. It's like all abilities.

I did play D&D 4th edition but I really don't remember the cards. Nobody ever used the cards. I believe there were cards you could get that had all your abilities on them. I think the only cool thing from 4th edition was Spellscard.

Did they try to make a trading card system with it? No, it wasn't a trading. It was like little, imagine notes for your essay. They had note cards you could buy because your abilities were so varied that you couldn't keep track of them just on your character sheet. And if you tried to keep track of them just on your character sheet and if you tried to

you would need like a 15 page character sheet 3.5 would have been a lot better with cards I mean you could have cards in a lot of yeah 4.0 was garbage it was the worst thing ever to exist in the entire world and that's what I started on baby I started on 4th edition

back in high school with some friends really? yep we uh we were I started on baby. I started on fourth edition back in high school with some friends. Really? Yep. We we were terrible and everyone was awful. I was in a DM until years later in community college when I could finally get people together to actually play and let me create and craft because I had one of those friends that was very like controlling and very. Well, I'm going to be the DM because we play at my house with my friends and my mom makes us snacks like very stereotypical like he's the reason i don't play magic the gathering because he was one of those kids that would be like i have this shitty deck for you to play against my really cool new deck so i i hate all tcgs when you go to his house he says it's my

house my rules when he goes to your house he says i'm the guest so you have to honor me i'm the guest you have to well no. I'm the guest. You have to. Well, no, I didn't have any guests over. I was white trash, dude. My mattress was on the floor. Like, we don't take too kindly to guests around here. We got warm Pepsi and water.

What you like? So we had a group of about four or five. One of them was this, the dm's butt buddy so he did whatever he asked one of them was i would call him chaotic evil and his name rhymes with blavid so i i can't really say his name what the fuck because it would be confusing to the audio listeners if i'm talking about blavid uh with with david here so we'll just call him we'll just we'll just say his name is Bobber. What is that, from Adventure Time?

No, that's from... I don't know. No, that's from Gumball. We'll just call him Bob. We'll just say his name is Bob for now. Bob was an asshole. He was already in high school. He was a raging alcoholic. And he... In high school?

Yeah, you know, sophomore year of high school. Gotta get that raging. Because he was also white trash like me, except his parents were worse. So we were playing and I built this character that was like a lawful, good rogue. Imagine Antonio Banderas with a with a rapier like like like Spanish conquistador, kind of like just the nicest man ever. Imagine the guy from The Princess Bride who is looking for the guy who killed his dad. That's kind of exactly what I built. And we rescue some orphans from a like evil castle that he had built that the DM had built that was stupid and awful.

So we rescue these orphans and I take them under my wing and I train them and I'm training them and then I'm gone for a couple sessions and I come back and I build a new character. Unbeknownst to me, Bob Blavid had taken one of my characters, one of the kids that I'd raised, killed one of them in front of them to establish dominance and then took the

other one and made them a, they enchanted them into a bag of holding. God, that's fucking edgy. They took the child and made it their a bag of holding god that's fucking edgy they they took the child and made it their personal bag of holding that's like space station 13 shit or god yes so okay so he was just walking around with a kid following him yep just just tied tied rope waist to waist and they would grab things out of any orifice from this child. Out of any

orifice. Not like bag of holding like carrying a bag of holding. The child had a bag of holding enchantment on it so he would thrust his sword down into his stomach. So he was the bag of holding. Yeah the child's body is the bag of holding. What?

How do you come up with this shit? I don't know. He thought it would be he thought it'd be hilarious if he's grabbing everything out of this child directly i mean out of this orphaned little girl oh girl too yep oh no i don't have to explain anything you guys understand how edgy and awful this is right off the bat i'm not gonna explain any further because it was so awful and my warforged ended up just killing him he had to keep all that pedophilia in that bag why is there always that fucking guy who has to insert there's always that guy into the oh there's always that guy that tries to do something really fucking weird and everybody has to stop him

ahmad mandy oh ahmad where ahmad tried to fuck a bed where ahmad tried to fuck a mimic bed that i built in my monster tavern and he can i can i fuck a bed can you fuck a bed can you can you fuck a bed what a question only in dnd dude you can definitely you can definitely fuck a bed. What a question. Only in D&D, dude. Christ. You can definitely fuck a bed. You can definitely fuck a bed in D&D. I'm going to vote yes on fucking a bed. Vote yes on Prop 19. Fuck a bed today.

Wouldn't that hurt you if it was a box? Whatever. It's certainly possible, and I don't think the government should tell me what to do with my bed. A fucking men. Amen, brother. government should tell me what to do with my bed a fucking men hey man brother i think uh mandy has a story about uh one specific player pushing the envelope this is this isn't even a story it's a string of events that just led to god it was actually like a horror movie when when it's like they meet someone everything seems fine and there's little things and it finally just it builds up to it i think i'm i'm not gonna use his real name because he would be the kind of

person who would listen to this podcast uh what's a really what's a really fucking annoying kid name nicholas nicholas she okay sheen i was gonna say sheen could be good too sheen is pretty bad dusty i like that i'll do dusty dusty's close so we over like the um how many years ago was this i don't know a few years ago we over the summer we'd um we'd have like a weekly game night or dnd thing we'd switch off depending on what people were in the mood for and then one day there was a new person and there were i want to say about between six to eight regulars but like people would switch off enough that it was manageable for the DM. And then one week we had a new person and he's like, oh, I'm dusty. We're like, oh, okay.

Like dusty seemed a little off, but he was like, fine. He's like, oh, he seems a little awkward. Okay. Just because when we would, um, if you ever like gone to these things, you know, like you're getting dinner, you know, you might get like takeout or something delivered and everyone pitches in some money. The first bad sign was him just looking around. He's like, he's like, I don't have money on me.

We're like, oh, that's fine. Because our system was like, oh oh if someone doesn't have money you know we'll cover you this time then next time you cover somebody else oh there was no next time well to this day he still owes someone 20 who keeps talking about it are you kidding me he still talks about it yeah he's fucking vengeful like whenever an asshole like there's a there's a list of stuff he did but whenever i mention him he always goes and you still owes me twenty dollars let that go twenty dollars christ yeah but it was like oh but he's like guys i don't have any money

and we're just like oh it's fine but, like, really fucking serious when he said it. Like, he said it like he was going to have to kill somebody. And that's when I really looked at his eyes for the first time. Oh, my God. Have you ever seen, like, Tom Cruise in interviews, like, in the 90s when he was really into Scientology? Yeah. There's definitely a spark, and it's not a good one. Kind of. It's like, they're just kind of dead eyes and i was like oh

what she's like i don't have any money there's a honey he's joking and that's my first time i looked at him like oh he's he's serious he's not joking he didn't he didn't say that in a really in a really somber tone as a joke oh it's fine and then like alright we'll get to we were playing I think Munchkin or something some kind of like some tabletop game like alright let's do some D&D like we'll make our characters what are you gonna be

it's like I'm gonna be an elf and she has two blades and a bow what class is that gonna be and for some reason he got really fucking angry what so he's like i could be a ranger warrior and he i don't know he was getting really miffed about it and it was just like all right and then he finally like picked one he's like all right you know we're all doing the languages and stuff.

And the DMs, you know, giving the setting like you're in this dwarf. You're going to be starting this dwarven city. There's this and that around. He's like, oh, don't forget to pick your languages. He's instantly like a draconic and infernal. It's like, of course. Oh. But when you played the game, he was like he was fine.

So I let everything else go. I was like, all right. It went everything else go i was like all right it went okay and this this kind of thing went on for a few weeks but when i realized there was something off was when he did it we did it at his house for once and we were playing i i think it's called descent it's a pretty fun um board game and his older sister and her fiancé had come back to the house. And I don't know where they had... I think he was in the army or something. Like, they had been...

He had been off doing something important. I'll just say that. And so they come home. And she's like, oh, hi he goes like oh hi i what's this what's your sister me kayla hi kayla check this out and he grabs a card off the table and he runs up and he shows it to them he goes this card allows you to put down three traps at once per game oh my god really fucking excited about it. Is he a fucking goblin?

And I'll never forget the look on his sister's face when she goes Oh, that's really cool, Dusty. And then I realize it's like, you know, they don't, it's very clear, they don't give a shit. But this entire game one player is basically the the evil dungeon master and like

they try to stop you when you're going through the dungeon and he had been very quiet during this game but then when like his family came then he like grabs a card runs up and starts bragging about like how he's gonna get all of us and it was just really just kind of strange. Yeah. And then but then after that happened during the rest of the game, he got really, really sadistic. Like he was laughing like a supervillain after everything he did, like rubbing his hands together. And then like he picked up his cat and was like petting it in his lap. And the cat was like trying to get out of his lap. He'd pull it back like, like oh this is getting weird but then you know then we left and i saw his friends like uh i asked one of my friends i was like do you know where you know where dusty came from he's like ah

thank you it was like uh he's bill's friend i think he's like oh alright I guess to go to the same school that makes sense and then like he would DM because he didn't want to be class railroaded again but then he was a very railroading person and apparently he had written this huge thing of lore

for us to explore but instead we wanted to form a restaurant inside one of the cities and started seriously preparing for it. Like, oh no, we need to get friars. Like, alright, I'll get some gold. And he gets... He slams his fists on the table.

A dragon attacks the city. It's burning everything to the ground. Roll, like, roll, roll, roll, roll. And then the city ended up burning down. And then we're like... He's like, to the ground. Roll, like, roll, roll, roll, roll. And then the city ended up burning down. And then we're like, it's like, now the adventure begins. And this one fucking hero just goes, man, this campaign's shitty. I think other boys should DM next time. And he looked really unhappy and the next time we saw him to dm he sat like in this chair slumped down

and he just had these he had the dead eyes again and we're like you know dusty what's wrong he's like i'm sorry i'm just i'm really fucking tired from work today and then one of the other people bill he's like uh dusty didn't you work like three hours today he's like yeah i work from nine to noon but work is just really it's hard dusty worked at a call center and so he's sitting there and then we realized it's oh it's because other guys said that his campaign was shitty now he's mad about it. So after he half-heartedly went through it, we're like, oh, we'll have someone else DM.

And this was the beginning of the end. Because I don't know how he could... At the time, I didn't know how he convinced him of it. But looking back, it was, oh, he just wanted to appease him to get him away from him. He had a custom class that was basically tony stark he's like i have a powerful suit of cursed dwarven armor or something like that he's like oh but as a drawback whenever i take actions it generates heat tokens and then i have to take a single turn to vent heat and so i'll be like oh no we get on our mount. He's just like, activate my super speed.

It's like, oh, okay. I roll a strength check to lift up the rock. I roll using heat, which allows me to add plus ten strength. And then we're just like... And we're looking at the DM and he looks at me and his eyes,

he looks so fucking helpless. And I understand he's trapped with the shit. This is... And then finally, in the middle of a fight, I don't remember what happened, but I just remember the sentence, I crush its head in my hands. And then Bill goes,

Hey Dusty, I think your class is a little overpowered. And then he goes, No, it's not. And I'm like, yeah, Dusty, it is. He goes, you think it's overpowered and he goes no it's not like yeah yeah dusty it is he goes you think it's overpowered he stands up he grabs a wine bottle off the table and he goes all right i'm gonna go outside for a while and then he takes the bottle opens the front door and just shuts it and we're like oh what yo what the fuck do we do i was anti-dusty up until that point

that that rule no it doesn't because so i just stole wine well because we know no it's not and i'll tell you why he's like what we do oh okay i know let's just play the game and so we played the game without him and we had a great time we played in four hours kept playing god it must have been nearly 5 a.m we were having so much fun we're like we're not working tomorrow like this is great like okay you know it's it's getting late now we need to go for the sun rises we open the porch turn the light before the sun rises. We open the porch, turn the light. He was still there. He's fucking on the porch, laying there with the dead eyes.

And he just looks up at us. He hadn't touched the wine bottle. All right, man. Fuck Dusty. Fuck Dusty, dude. Yeah, forget Dusty. And so we just landed looking up at us and we're like, you're still here? Like, we thought you went home.

He's like, no, I just came outside to think about my class a little bit more. Like, Dusty, it's been like four or five hours. Think about my class? Yeah. He needed some time. He needed some time. Four hours. And he's like, and he looks up, he's like, well, I didn't know how

long it had been. I sometimes lose track of time when i start thinking as critically and as deeply as i do like okay dusty like i'll see you later you know good luck tomorrow and then a week later it was one of the sessions he didn't show up we had most regular crew there and we're like you know Dusty's class is fucking bullshit who allowed it the DM's like well I wasn't gonna have to deal with his shit like so I just I tried to tolerate it but he won more

and more stuff and I don't want him like this and then he's like you know it's all Bill's fault anyways he's like what are you talking about I don't know Dusty Dusty came with Kevin then Kevin's like what do you mean I thought he was your friend and then everyone's talking like what the fuck and then we all go silent we realize

no one fucking knew how we got there he was just like everyone just kind of there were like four people who kind of knew him from school and we figured out eventually that like he was talking with three of them and they were going to like their car or something

and they all and I guess they all had assumed that he was with one of the other people so they didn't bring it up and then they just let him go with them that wow so it was just like oh there's three people and it's like oh you know it's

like a car you know it could fit all four of us like oh we're going there like cool it's gonna be great and it's like oh you know if one of my friends came with somebody and like we're going somewhere i wouldn't be like oh yeah it's just like oh yeah someone knows him though that's fucking crazy yeah did he like mastermind this i don't know because i asked the dm about if he knew him at all he was like well the first time i saw him he was wearing a fedora and a coat from the 18th century. With a bunch of big buttons on it.

He walked up to me at school and asked me about dragons. And so I answered, of course. And I was like, god damn it. That's nutty, dude. That's so nutty. And so we figured out that it's like, oh, why the fuck would he do that? Like, he didn't even know they were going for D&D. Apparently they were going to a, um...

They were going to, like, some youth group. Not even a youth group. It was some kind of non-D&D function that he just attached himself to. And so I'm scratching my head, and I'm like, how the fuck did this happen? How does this happen? That's crazy. Have you considered that Dusty is an angel in disguise? Well, we asked, like, the kid we blame like kevin

like kevin how could you do this to us he's like i don't know like we have to we have to ask him some stuff like what's his phone number he's like i don't know like what the fuck what do you know i know his steam name fine and so i type his steam name into google so i'm like i'm thinking the first link will be to a steam like his steam link and no oh no the first the first link is a forum that said you're my town looking for a master willing slave like what the fuck is that it's so of course i click on it and it's a large it's some kind of forum my fucking god and the picture is quite clearly him i get except he has a fedora on but he's he was he was dressed differently than we usually see him oh yeah and he had like he was like i'm he's like i am i'm looking for something good i'm like what

the fuck he's like here's some things I want you to do. I want you to cover a wooden spoon in Colgate toothpaste and shove it up my ass. Oh, what the fuck? What the fuck? I can't forget that specifically. That's a piece of... He wanted a wooden spoon with Colgate toothpaste.

Very specifically. That is some next level shit. That is such a precise fetish. You'd have to jerk off over 2 million times before that becomes attractive to you. Probably over

10 million times. All his preferences were not related. It was like a dartboard. He's like, I want the toothpaste to spoon, but I'm also really into diapers. I want to wear a diaper. He's like, also, you can whip me,

but if you do, you gotta make me mac and cheese after. Just like this really weird, really specific shit. Alright, you can't fault the man for mac and cheese. you can't fault anybody for mac and cheese but he's like if you don't make the mac and cheese after the whipping like it's not gonna work it was very specific and so i can't get over the colgate dude

yeah and so get over that oh well that's what the diaper is for like it loosens you up you need the diaper after i look and there's like the two or three like it loosens you up you need the diaper after i look and there's like the two or three more links below it and it's like similar like ads like he's going every local forum and it's like it's not like secret it's like his his internet name i guess it's him it's his face like all of them that's and so're just like, what the fuck do we do about this now? You know, you can know someone who has a really, really fucking weird fetish,

but it's like, you know, if they can't go to him and be like, what is this? Oh, well, well, we didn't think we didn't think clearly about that.

Oh no. Because we're like, it's like, okay, now we're, we're just tired of him at this. Because we're like, it's like, okay, now we're, we're just tired of him at this point. We're like, what do we do?

And so we sat on it for a week and then it turned out that he had been starting to shit talk the people who didn't approve of his, uh, his, his Tony Stark class. Oh, and we're like, okay,

now he's trying to divide and conquer. Like we have to get rid of him now. And we're like, okay, now he's trying to divide and conquer. Like, we have to get rid of him now. And so we said, hey, you know, Dusty, we tried to find your Steam name the other night. We found some of your ads. We're not sure we could be really comfortable with someone like that. And so we're messaging him on steam and it

looks like a fucking crisis center in the white house because we're all like gathered around this computer like what do we say next like i don't know he's like wow i know you guys could be kind of shitty but i didn't think that you couldn't be open-minded i was like look each other like what does he mean that what does he mean that he thought we'd be open minded I mean that is shitty but you're still you could have still just kicked him out

that's okay because we didn't want to just ghost him we need to tell him why this is fucking weird like hey you know you've been you're talking shit about people after everything that's been going on and we found all this and it's weird weirding people out and but then we we steadily realized that that might have been his end game

and we didn't know what to feel about it what because we're like that's because because when people were like oh myy, stop it. Cut it out, fucking Dusty. I can't take this. It's like, oh God, was he getting off on that? When he was on the porch for five hours, he didn't have his phone. He didn't have...

The wine wasn't touched. What was he doing on that porch for all those hours after everyone shamed him? He was thinking about brushing his teeth dude that's like a good psychological thriller yeah but the mind is it's like if it was someone i'd known for a long time but like a weird thing like that it wouldn't be like okay but this was moments after finding out that no one knew who he was and they just yeah exactly it's like so many weird things it's like okay who is he like no one knows who he was and they just yeah exactly it's like so many weird things it's like okay

who is he like no one knows who he is and now we have too much very blatant like you know whip me and give me the mac and cheese and it's like very very shamelessly publicly. But we all missed it. And to this day, I don't think any of us have run into him again. I mean, I don't know where anyone would. Let's reconnect. Let's get him on the podcast. Let's get him on the podcast. I mean, I know that he ran into him once.

Can we help Dusty find somebody to shove a Colgate up his ass? He had takers. he had takers excuse me we saw we saw some responses but they're like i'll like i'll message you my picture and it was like a guy with like a fucking acdc logo and 53 year old man like okay good luck maybe that's what he wants yeah no one saw him again except for a brief encounter where he tried to attach himself again through two other people,

but then the third person was someone who was aware. He was like, oh, yeah, Dusty tried to get back because I was meeting two friends and Dusty was with one of them and he just said hi and talked to me like nothing happened. Wow. It's like, yeah, you't it's i never really thought about that but yeah if you were slightly acquaintanced with somebody you could probably sneak your way into a friend group like that because who's gonna like you know bring it up

like who the fuck is that he can't come i'm like i'm actually speechless. That's amazing. That's a great story. Yeah. He just came and then, you know, a few months later he was gone. It was just like that one summer. Like the wind. He appeared and he was gone. He came, he saw, he didn't come. God, I hope not.

Hopefully not. God, I hope not. That's one of the worst that guys we've had. Top two at least. What? That's for another day. Boys, while you're telling

all these stories, I came up with the three rules of D&D while I was drinking this hard lemonade. I think it's a good three rules. D&D. Oh, my God. While I was drinking this hard lemonade. So I think it's a good three rules. Let's see. This whole trajectory of my childhood D&D group. So when I moved to South Carolina in seventh grade, I didn't make any friends.

Because, you know, you know how it be. Yeah. So in eighth grade, I finally met two friends. And this is how everybody gets into D&D. You just read the rule books over and over again and have nobody to play with. Pretty much. And then when you meet somebody else who does that, it's amazing. That never happens.

You have to force everybody in your friend group. I met two people. One of them is really tall, so we'll call him Big Homie. And one of them them's really tall so we'll call him big homie and one of them's my size so we'll call him uh little homie so uh little homie decides to run a game and uh me and big homie are like all right cool uh i made a ninja elf uh i was also a ranger which confused the dm because of the range no he was just like why are you a ninja and i was like because they're cool i'm a ninja i was in eighth grade so i'm weave status yeah so we were tasked with uh taking a carriage with the mayor to the next town over and while we were doing that we were attacked by goblins who were uh uh using uh

fire tipped bows or arrows sorry and two of the goblins got crits on hitting the mayor's carriage so within the first round before we can even act the uh carriage was lit on fire the mayor stumbles out of the carriage on fire and he just describes this mayor uh slowly burning to death in front of us before we can even act uh so this is my first dnd encounter in my life by the way uh so things immediately went well dude uh we kill the goblins and then we're like, well, shit, what do we do? So we bring the mayor to town, and they're like,

murderers! You're going to court! And they think we killed the mayor. You guys were fucking playing law and order. So the judge was asking us what happened, uh my friend immediately says well everybody got killed and then we took all the gold off their bodies wow and

so the first lesson is never talk to the police. That's my first lesson. That's a pretty good rule. Yeah, flash forward a few years, okay, folks? We're playing in high school now, and we meet a kid who is really into God. Big God person. So we'll call him... Yeah, big God fan.

So we'll call him. Yeah, big God fan. So we'll call him God homie. So big homie runs a campaign. Me and little homie and God homie are in this campaign. And we have such a great time. We play all night. We stay up to four in the morning. You know, you like play till 3.30 in the morning. Yeah.

And then you stay up to 4.30 just talking on the floor. Because it's like you're you're like 14 yeah yeah and life is crazy life is crazy so we meet this kid and he's so cool and then the next day uh his parents call his parents and say uh the dnd is for the devil your children are devil worshipers so my kid is not allowed to hang out with them anymore. And so that's the second rule is stay away from Christians. That's the second rule. Oh, my God. The third rule, we're going to fast forward.

This is after college now. We're much older. Keep in mind, I'm like 28. So this is like a span of fucking let's you can do the math yeah 14 to 28 that's you can do the math if you if you can do the math i'll give you a like on twitter for that uh you can send me that i'm just fucking joking please don't send me that anyway oh no um So we decided to get together cause we haven't seen each other since everybody went off to do,

you know, adult life. Yeah. And so we're like, so hyped little homies got this nice campaign planned out for both of us. And big homie calls the day of and says, Hey, can my girlfriend come?

And we say, yeah, that's cool. problem dude i think i can see so i i see the rule in the stars right now his his girlfriend his girlfriend comes and uh she is does not want to be there oh yeah just it is so obvious it is so obvious to us that she does not want to be there she's complaining already by the time she walks in the door uh jesus and uh so we decide to like let her create a character and she decides to be a badger a badger yeah she just finds the badger stats in the monster manual oh so you guys guys kind of homebrewed it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Just a regular badger. She looked in the monster manual and decided all these races are dumb. I want to be a badger and looked up the badger stats. And the DM was like, no, you can't be a badger. And she was like, started to like pout she's very very bizarre started to she started to pout like a little child and my friend immediately slammed his slammed his dm guide shut and was like all right we're not playing let's just let's just watch a movie or something and And then the girl was like, are you sure? And he was like, yeah.

And she was like, okay. So we haven't played D&D with that guy pretty much since then. Which is very heartbreaking because it was a childhood friend. But that's the third lesson is don't be a weird weirdo who forces your girlfriend to come to D&D. If your girlfriend wants to come to dnd that's cool but don't be a weirdo and force your girlfriend to do something what the fuck anyway that's my three lessons of dnd i am reminded of my dm rules that i have

out of your out of your lessons that are in relation to campaigns as a dm i've had to come up with a couple rules uh one of them that i no longer stick by uh but i i stuck by it for a while uh and that was uh one i never say no or i try to never say no because it's really it's really hard it's really hard that rule is really hard to follow that rule is really hard and i i've kind of changed it to where say no sometimes but only when they're being awful could somebody be a badger yeah sure i'll i'll build a homebrew for them and let them do it damn yeah i well yeah you're gonna die instantly you're gonna have like five hp you're not gonna have a leveling system or a class you're gonna be a dumb ass badger who can't talk. Yeah, exactly. One of my rules

is a rule, like I said, that I no longer stick by and that is, if you are a dude, you have to play a dude. I understand that rule completely. And that was very like high school times that I had to come up with that rule

and there's a reason. I completely understand. Everybody that played D&D in high school knew a guy that played a girl on D&D and it always ends the same way I'm pretty sure. He wanted to roll for his bus size so that

he could kill a pirate captain with his tits. There it fucking is. They were on a ship that I had built and they were all captured and he was trying to seduce the pirate captain which of course if if you're a high school like horny dude and you're playing a girl the first thing you think of is oh girls gotta seduce everybody right oh my god that's just that's just how it works right you just gotta have i have i just use your your most powerful weapon in your arsenal the opposite sex that's how women work dude sweet that's that's how women

work dude i've never seen a woman in my entire life and like i know that's stereotypical but he he rolled i gave him giant tits and he killed the pirate captain with him and i said you're changing your character i'm not doing this anymore another rule is uh no druids and that's just like something that i stick by well that's because i the fucking partner the fucking animal partner is annoying no that's that's rangers druids it's the it's the i have a player and i love him to death don't get me wrong he's one of my favorite dudes of all time however sometimes he gets bored and tries to just do whatever the fuck he wants even when i'm like going through like oh oh, I wrote all this stuff. And I get that as a DM.

Like, yeah, you let your characters do whatever it's your world. But they're the ones living out the story. It's their choices that matter. But I was getting really frustrated because he kept turning into a bird and just wanting to fly away in any direction. And I'm like, I get like player freedom. A hundred percent. That's that's totally cool. But not just

y'all i'm gonna be a bird and fly the fuck over there i built this wonderful world completely corrupted by the undead with one or two last shining beacons of light and there's just a giant bubble dome covering the like the the last city trying to trying to mount this resistance against an undead king and this motherfucker wants to i want to go over there i was working on siege mechanics and recruiting mechanics and whole like oh i was i was just trying to make 5e like the most ridiculous big like army simulator near the end because i i sometimes take a little bit more off than what i can chew but he just i want to go over there that there's nothing over

there you'll go through the dome and you might die yeah i'm gonna go through there okay i guess and just narrating everything that's happening it's less uh it's like no no you're fine i was gonna say entangles like one of the most overpowered spells at least in 3.5 it was so no druids allowed because i hate them and i hate that they can turn into birds no no multi-classing either because the same dude ended up multi-classing into a wizard and a rogue and sneak attacking everything like i said love him to death one of my best friends but he just tried to break the game i how about a rule that's just no metagaming? No metagaming?

It's so boring. We're all like, I think some of us are a little guilty of metagaming, and Granite is a character in Shadowrun that I kind of built and metagamed. You ever play Shadowrun? Yeah, love Shadowrun. How familiar is everyone in here with shadow run i've only i've only played the pc games i've played tabletop about a few times so i've never gotten to like later stages of it i dm it so i have not I've only played it. We to make it short, because like I like to talk and talking is fun.

I built a character who is an orc named Granite, and everything that I put into him was just focused on making him as as as bulletproof as possible. So you were titanium metal. I was just I had to I had to be shot point blank by a tank to do like like 100 percent damage to Christ. So I could absorb almost any kind of damage because I took like like skin plating and titanium bones and an armor vest. I still got I got destroyed by a blood wizard because our DM was awesome and they were totally okay with me trying to build like a walking talking tank with just a sledgehammer because there's a lot of if you're doing combat there's a lot of cyber combat and like gun combat and shadow run and my guy just had a sledgehammer and that's it so that's actually that's actually really cool don't you get like when you play because you were an orc right yes in shadowrun don't you get in the and aren't you allergic to metal when you're an orc

i don't i don't remember that being a thing but we were playing the newest version of shadowrun and there's a lot because i'm playing first edition of rules i was playing first edition and i if i remember correctly there was was, it was something with like, if you're a race, that's not human, you get an allergy and the allergy can be really, really severe to the point where you just cannot get in contact with metal. But that's like first edition kind of like,

like old edition. I don't know. Granite's like a, like a staple character of mine and i brought him from like fantasy dnd uh like he's just an orc like in fantasy like in dnd when i build him he's just an orc that's obsessed with hammers on my uh my old character sheet he had six intelligence oh my god which you know 10 is average 6 is like he's as smart as a wolf. It's instincts, you know?

You don't need... He just needs instincts. Yeah. He just needs instincts and then 15 hammers. All of varying sizes. When you got a small spaghetti brain, all you need is instincts. Have you played Cyberpunk 2033? Oh, no, I haven't. I'm very excited for the new game.

I'm excited for the game, but I played the tabletop, and it's one of the most broken systems I've ever played in my entire life. There's a combat class called the Solo, and every class has its own specific skill that's unique to them that they can put points into. And the Solo class has combat reflexes, which adds one for every skill point in it's unique to them that they can put points into and the solo class has combat reflexes which adds one for every skill point in it you have and that one is added to any attack roll so like the way attack is if you have a skill of six you have 6d10 so basically like my friend

was making a character of a solo and was like hmm what should i put it in oh is this really like plus one for each skill point to an attack roll and i was like yeah and he was like, hmm, what should I put it in? Oh, is this really like plus one for each skill point to an attack roll? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, okay, I'll just put all 12 in there. So he just broke the game. Every encounter he would be like, okay, I attack and get, let's see, 18d10. Dude, what? Yeah, it was fucking crazy.

Yeah, it's really broken. At least the solo class. so every time i play that game i try to like actually change that skill yeah hot tip for all you tabletop gamers out there how many editions of cyberpunk are there not many three or four that's what i thought cyberpunk is isn't it weird that there's actually a video game coming out for Cyberpunk 2077 when it's like one of the smaller RPGs yeah apparently I mean they could have probably

got the IP for cheap and apparently it's pretty big in the early 90s that's probably why since that guy's mad to this day about royalties well I mean I think they do that with the Polish government though that's like a trying to culturally export

Poland to the rest of the world yeah is cyberpunk Polish no no no I'm talking about the Witcher series Witcher's Polish book series that I didn't hear of until the video game so I guess it works

alright that's the episode is it? yeah series that I didn't hear of until the video game. So I guess it works. Alright, that's the episode. Is it? Yeah. You guys want to plug your stuff? Are there questions class? Or is this a bonus? Oh wait, I don't know if bonus episodes have classes. Questions? No, no, we don't. No classes. No classes

in bonus episodes. No classes in bonus episodes. No classes and bonus episodes. Only plug-ins. Mandy, where can people find you? YouTube? Twitter? Hello? Lord Mandalore on YouTube.

That's not right. That's fine. Wait, is it just Mandalore on YouTube. That's not right. That's fine. Wait, is it just Mandalore Gaming? Yeah. Oh, that's my bad. I was mixing up your Twitter. It doesn't matter. Oh, Mandy.

It doesn't matter. I'll be fine. Oh my God. Brendan. You can find me on YouTube at Brendaniel, on Twitter at BrendanielH, on Twitch at Brendaniel. It's a running theme. Uh, Creel?

Uh, mine's are all over the place. You can find me on Twitter at mycreel, M-Y Creel. And then you can find me at www.com.youtube.com www.youtube.com www.youtube.com My turn. You can find me on Spotify at Sermiao. You can find me on Twitter, SoundCloud, and YouTube at Sermiao Music. I was like thinking, which one's...

Alright. Yeah. Oh, wait, David. Hey, I hear something. One sec. Hey, do you hear that? What's that? I hear the rolling of a caravan nearby.

Is Avery not returning ever since we had that fight? He can't appear on the same podcast? Can you hear that? That's not funny. The caravan's coming. It's getting closer. Hello? Oh, it was it.

Oh, but you see it in front of you, a wonderful caravan. Inside are beautiful goblin babes And they all have guns and they're shooting at you One actually one are you shitting me? Man you guys are all dead. Sorry about that. Hey, look, my mom's calling. I gotta go. I can't be part of this podcast anymore. Give me my llama, right?

But the pizza... Yeah. It's fine. My mom's making me a sandwich. It's all good. I didn't bring money for pizza. Also, can my girlfriend come? I want to share what Dean's doing.

No. Are you sure? I think she'll really like it. All right, yeah. Only if she makes me mac and cheese Will she pay for the pizza? She shoves it wouldn't probably not cold He says he wants to go into biology, but she keeps losing her job at the Bojangles. I think she'll be good at What the fuck what what great improv work everybody thanks for listening to the podcast we're ending it now