Please Stop Talking - Fiscally Gay, Socially Straight | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: February 11, 2022

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Or shake up your mood with an iced brown sugar oat shaken espresso. Whatever you choose, your espresso will be handcrafted with care at Starbucks. Howdy! This episode wouldn't have been possible without the support we got from our patrons on Patreon. Check out patreon.com slash sirmeowmusic for more info on how you can keep the show going and get some neat rewards too. I'm holding my coffee cup for warmth right now like a babushka.

Babushka means grandma. Yeah, like a babushka. You hold your grandma like a coffee cup? No, I'm holding it like a grandma. Picture a grandma holding a coffee cup and it's like snowing outside and she's holding it like up to the corner. Why a grandma?

Why'd you say babushka? Why didn't you just say grandma? Welcome to season six, everyone. I love my grandma like a yearn. Earn. What are you doing? Nice one. Oh, just like a yearn.

Yo, talking about dead grandmas. I went to my grandmother's funeral recently. What the fuck? So David Cermiao Music Me was at my grandmother's funeral. I'm so sorry funeral it was the burial why you keep hold up because i just now realized that corbin is still streaming audacity and all of us are still watching it why are we doing that can we stop doing that you can stop yourself i don't want to touch anything on my desk dude thanks for checking me thanks for stopping me

wave jesus jesus can dav can David fucking tell a story? Why do you cut him off to be like, guys, he's still streaming Audition. This is going to fucking cut my kids. I feel like it'll cause problems. I'd rather see what's happening on his screen. I'm going to be real. I'm looking at it

and I'm looking at the radar image and I'm like, this is somehow relaxing me. The radar image. Anyways, so we were... The thermal? Yeah. Corbin got that thermal scope on. So we were burying my grandma.

Is that what the thermals are on? She's not going to show up on those. I don't on she's not gonna show up on those I don't think she's gonna show up I mean I think the the urn is a bit too cold anyways so right before right before that like everybody was like talking I don't know I was talking with my sisters about

a fucking Mario party or some shit I can't remember my mom and my classic funeral discussion classic funeral talk with my sisters about a fucking Mario party or some shit. I can't remember. Classic funeral discussion. Yeah, classic funeral talk. My uncle and my mom just came up to me. They looked very somber and they were like, we have something to show you. And I was like, oh, that's really weird to say in the middle of a fucking burial service. okay so what's up they were like you need to follow us behind her tombstone and i was like oh shit all right uh sure lead the way and i photo i did at that point i had no idea what it could have been like it could have been anything

but i had a sneaking suspicion uh we uncle and my mom just led the way, and then they pointed towards the tombstone straight at my name, and it had my date of birth, and it said to be announced, and I was shitting my pants. What would you do if there was a date of death and it was a week ago? Dude, oh my god. No, no, no. What would you do if there was a date of death

and it was a week from now? Dude, I don't know what I would do. I'd just fucking get real drunk. Dude, I'd die in a week. I'd use all my expenses on alcohol and just have a big ol' party. I don't fucking know. What else am I gonna do? I'd try to speed it up, I'd die in a week. I'd use all my expenses on alcohol and just have a big old party. I don't fucking know. What else am I going to do? I'd try to speed it up, I'm going to be honest.

Just speed it up? Yeah. What happens if you die before... What happens if you die before death? What? Good question. Good question? Like, die before you're slated to die? Like, yeah.

Like, say that you're supposed to die on a certain date, but you die before that date. It's a reverse final. You just die. You just die. That's lame. That's lame. Either way, my uncle just started smiling at me, like, really weirdly.

And he was like, and he just said, He, he just said, you'll be with your family. And then he started chiseling the data and right in front of you. Oh, so they were showing you like your family has a burial plot for you. Is that what you're saying? Instead of telling me like a normal person, they wanted to surprise me. And they waited until the burial to show me shock me this is when you die dude i don't i didn't want to know what do you mean oh okay yeah if i can tell me i got a burial plot at my wake

when you're already dead yeah yeah how do you guys want to celebrate resuscitate me because let's be real we're gonna oh i i actually have my death completely planned out oh dude i want to know so bad so i'm gonna buy once i like am an adult no you're gonna be dead you can't know once i'm an adult i plan on like buying a like a property in like the middle of farmland Texas to have a little farmhouse, right? And then obviously raise my kids going up there all the time. And then when I die, I want to be buried. And then I want them to plant a tree on top of me. And then my wife will die probably after me.

Plant a tree right there. And then all of our kids are just continually planted in this forest so generations down the line I have created a haunted forest I was going to say this is like a Pixar movie until you got to the last part

this is some psycho shit dude I want my great great grandchildren to be playing on the ranch and having a fire at night and then they're like oh we need to get sticks. Don't grab from those trees. You'll be burning their souls. And then I'm like, woo! Carmen, if you need somebody to live, there's an old

man to tell them that kind of information like an horror movie. I'm available. You're going to live that long? I'm going to live forever. Dude, I... Because I didn't plan out live forever. Dude, I fucking... Because I didn't plan out my death. What if your fucking grandchildren listen to the podcast and they know that you fucking

did this? You sowed the seeds to haunt them? What do you mean, if they know? It'll be a family tradition. It'll keep going. Their grandchildren will be buried alongside him. I gotcha. I think, Corbin, the only problem I see with this plan is that this will take hundreds of years, and I don't know if there are still going to be forests. I mean, future?

Wow, way to fucking bring it down. Jesus Christ. If I own the property, what are they going to do? Take my trees away? Fucked up that Corbin's haunted tree is going to turn into a haunted piece of paper. That's not what he meant, Corbin. Yeah, Corbin, first they'll take your guns, then they'll take your trees. God damn it.

You can't have anything today in these social climates. Well, you know, you can't have anything in 100 years in the social climate. Can't have anything tomorrow. Can you imagine how woke it'll be? Did you not watch the Lorax? God, President Jojo Siwa really fucked everything up. What?

Is she going to be the president in 100 years? Is she also living forever? I think so. I'm not saying in 100 years? Is she also living forever? I think so. I'm not saying in 100 years, but eventually. She's got my vote. I can see it. Anything's possible. Corbin, speaking of things that you made up,

you had a story you made up, right? Yeah, I did make up this story. It is completely fictional. It's an alleged dream that I had. Excuse me? I had this alleged dream about breaking a personal record of getting kicked out of the most amount of bars in one night oh yeah you told me about that dream oh oh good good thing it was a dream yeah it was a really crazy dream it was actually really detailed it felt so real so i

guess um i was really upset that one of my friends couldn't make it to my birthday party um i'm sorry dude no david it wasn't you i said friend um i'm sorry that was a joke what are we fucking don't apologize i'm not like that you're our boss um but yeah so uh i it was the saturday after my birthday party and he was in town allegedly and uh he had texted me corbin you've established that this is a dream and you made it up you don't have to keep saying it like oh my god this is true no yeah none of this is true okay you can just you're free to say your story so So he had texted me saying like, Hey, we are like at the clubs. He had come to surprise me because he missed my birthday. And I was already drinking with some friends.

We're having a little wine night. And so I had, I was like, Oh, like, you know, I'm hanging out with these friends right now, but afterwards, you know, I'll meet you up. So I chugged a whole bottle of wine and was like, all right, peace out later skaters. I'm going to hang out with another friend and go to bars. So I get an Uber, go to the bar district and they're in this one like really popular bar that I personally hate. It's like, we're all like the freshmen go in our college town. And so I'm standing in line and behind me,'s you know the like stereotypical college station freshmen

they're a mix of a frat boy in a yee-ass country motherfucker so they're talking about um nfts and their pickup trucks holy yo this is tight sounds that sounds very much like what I would expect to run into In a dream In a dream If I was dreaming that I was there And I am just standing there doing nothing And my friends are already in the club So I have nothing else to do So I start listening to their conversation And the shit they were talking about

Was so fucking just strange Because they're talking about NFTs And they're like oh yeah how do you get your money for the bars And this one guy goes oh I've got a sugar daddy. He goes, I'm not gay, but I send him pictures of my penis for money. Classic. And in my head. We've all been there.

In my head. Wait, did you find out where that guy got the hookup? Yeah, dude. Did you dream a proper hookup for him, dude, I'll fucking send dick pics. Did you dream a proper hookup for him? Dude, they all had hookups. Like, the one guy was like, oh, yeah, I sent pictures of my dick. And then one guy was like, oh, yeah, I sent pictures of my feet.

And then the third guy was like, oh, dude, I just meet up with this one guy, and we get coffee, and he always tries to kiss me. And... What the fuck? I don't remember this is a dream and they're they trade crypto on grinder they're all standing there and they keep saying but i'm not gay but i'm not gay and i'm like no you're fucking gay dude like it sounds to me like they weren't gay they're business gay casual straight so

socially straight fiscally gay you can't yeah exactly so I get to the point where I'm like I'm fucking done listening to these conversations and I have not moved in line the last 30 minutes so I text my friend and I'm like hey like let's move and I have not moved in line the last 30 minutes. So I text my friend and I'm like, hey, let's move bars. I can't

get in. So they walk outside. We go into the next bar and I meet up with my friend and he is visibly shit-faced. Incredibly drunk. The first thing he tries to do is tackle me.

Sick. By the way, this man is built like Houston Jones. Very tall, very powerful man. Very wide man. I'm fighting him off and eventually he's like, alright, I'm so glad to see you. Let's go to the bar.

I'm ordering my drink. He sticks his tongue in my ear as I'm ordering my drink and I realize, oh in my ear as I'm ordering my drink. And I realize, oh, it's going to be one of those nights. Tongue in the ear night. Classic bro moment. And so we get our drinks and we're just like walking around the bar and like, you know,

talking to people. And he starts doing this thing where he's, we're walking around and he was walking in front of me and to strangers, he would just put his finger in their butt. They would turn around, obviously upset and confused. All guys, by the way,

he's doing it too. They would turn around confused and my friend would look at me and just shrug and be like, why'd you do that? Hold that, hold that. Hold on to that finger in the butthole because now I have stories.

Dude, what the fuck? Continue. Wait, stories or dreams? that like hold on to that finger in the butthole because now i have stories dude what continue wait stories or dreams no real stories unrelated to this dream uh but continue corbin i apologize for interrupting you all good so he is just like consistently doing that and um eventually all of the group of people that we were with were like, hey, we're going to move to the next bar. Go get your friend. And we're bouncing. I was like, okay. And so I tell him, like, hey, we're leaving. And he goes, all right, let me go grab my girlfriend. And so he runs to the back of the bar and I tried to stop him because I just talked to his girlfriend and she said, let's leave this bar, and walked outside.

So he's going to look for no one. And as I'm trying to stop him, I see a friend from high school, and he walks up to me, and we just start talking, you know, just like, oh, like, it's been a while. And he comes back to me and goes, we need to leave.

We're being asked to leave. And I go, what happened? And he goes, I thought you were following me when we were looking for my girlfriend and i tried to grab your like wrist and as a joke i was slapping myself in the ass with your wrist and he goes but you were fighting too much so i turned around in confusion and it was the bouncer and he said yo bro i'm not your girl you need to leave so we left that bar and went to the next one and uh this next bar i is like the shittiest bar no one goes to it and uh me and my me and this friend same friend had been to that bar before

and it's been empty. And we just started talking to the DJ and it was literally just us dancing on the dance floor at the beginning of the night. And then we stayed there for like an hour and by the time we left the place was like live as fuck. Super fun. We were like hyping everyone up. It was a great night.

So we walk in and it is dead empty. And we go, this is fucking perfect. This is where we thrive we're gonna bring this bar so much business by just us doing dumbass shit and people wanting to watch dude it happened before what do you mean David I would absolutely be drawn

to an environment like that it's a jackass the stage play it's literally just like you the second someone walked what we did is the second someone walked into the bar we'd instantly just start like dancing and like with them and like hyping them up. Oh dude, okay, I get it, I get it. It made like a super fun environment and it was incredibly fun the first time we did it. And so we're like, let's do that again.

So he immediately runs up and gets on the, there's a stripper pole and he gets up on it and starts dropping it like it's hot you know we're just dancing i'm pretending to throw single dollar bills on him and um the bouncer walks up and like pulls him off the bar and he's like what the fuck are you doing and he's like oh bro i'm just like dancing like having a good time and he's like you can't fucking do that shit and he goes well why can't i do that he goes because you're a fucking dude. And so I walk up to him. I walk up to the pastor and I go, hey bro, don't you think that's like a little homophobic? And he's like, I don't give a fuck. I don't want to see that. And I go,

well, I mean, we're like the only people in the bar. Like, what do you mean? And he's like, that's fucking like bullshit. That's gay as hell. And we're like, oh dude, what the fuck? And so, him and my friend just start like fucking screaming at each other and one of the girls that we're with we're like hey like sir like you need to calm down

like we're sorry uh please don't speak to my friend like that you're being incredibly disrespectful and he just like gets his hand and puts it right next to the face and he goes i wasn't talking to you and uh he he put his face up to them no put her hand to her face like almost touching her nose and was like I wasn't talking to you and we're like alright we are fucking leaving this stream sucks

I might have thrown a punch dude no my friend was legitimately gonna punch this guy cause he's being an all around asshole for like no reason I mean yeah no that's putting it nicely this guy's fucking so we end up going like all right man like your only customers are now leaving solely because you're an asshole and a bad person and so then we walked and we stood outside of that bar and

we just started chanting like this bar hates gays this bar hates gays. This bar hates gays. And eventually we had two more people come and join us. And we were just screaming like, fuck this bar. This is tight. And anyone who was trying to get into the bar, we just got up to them like, dude, they're incredibly homophobic. And they're like, oh, what the fuck? And I'm like, dude, just don't

go here. It's just not a good time. After a while, we just got bored being heroes. So we decided to go to another bar. And we're walking to the next bar. And the rest of our friend group had kind of migrated ahead of us. And we were falling behind. And my friend looks at me and goes, bro, we're like gay icons. And I'm like, what do you mean?

He goes, we're just like heroes. You know, like we're such great people. And I'm like, yeah. I'm like, we are pretty based. And then he immediately tries to start kissing me. Oh, fuck. Damn. and then and then he immediately tries to start kissing me oh damn and so i'm like fighting him off right um and i eventually got him to stop trying and then he goes fine fuck you and he runs to uh bouncers of a different club that we weren't even going to. And he goes, this fucking guy won't kiss me. And the bouncer's looking at me, he go, what are you, fucking homophobic?

And I'm like, no, I'm a gay icon. Like, what are you talking about? And I go, I just don't want to kiss him. Like, he's my friend. I love him. I'm not going to kiss him. And they go, I don't know, bro. That's pretty fucking homophobic.

You won't kiss your homie. And he was like, well, will y'all kiss? And they're like, yeah, we'll kiss if y'all kiss. So we all just start looking at each other. It's four of us, two bouncers and me and my friend. And I go, well, hold up. How do I know if we kiss that y'all will kiss? And the bouncers go, all right.

If y'all kiss and we don't kiss we will give y'all both a free beer like all right fuck it and i just kiss them and then i i start walking into the club expecting to get a free beer and the bouncers go whoa whoa and then they just start making out it's like playing gay chicken but everybody's a winner and it clicked in my head that i was literally making fun of these guys at the beginning of the night for being like oh dude you send feet pics to a guy for beer money that's gay but i kissed the guy for one beer and then we got kicked out of one more bar um oh actually yeah no so we went the next bar we went to i can't believe this this dream isn't over yet yeah also corbin i think

your subconscious might be telling you something probably got a dream journal that i'm a gay icon so we go into the next bar and we instantly just start doing shots to sanitize our mouth. Because I have a lot of diseases. So we're doing shots and he goes, bro, I gotta piss. Come with me. And I'm like, I don't need to pee. I don't want to come with you.

He's like, bro, fuck you. Come with me. I'm very easy to convince. And so we go into the bathroom.'s pissing and another crypto bro like kicks open the fucking bathroom door and he's like fucking move i gotta piss and there's only one toilet and my friend's currently pissing i love the vision of someone kicking a door down and violently yelling at you in a bathroom you're so funny and you know he's a crypto bro i i like uh put my hand on the guy that just walked in shoulder like yo bro chill like my homie he's just going piss there's only one toilet and i was like it's all good like let's just just calm down we all get a piss sometime you know and he's like alright

alright okay and he calms down and we're just talking and my friend finishes pissing and starts to go to wash his hand my friend has not said a single word this entire time by the way and he's washing his hands and he goes the stranger looks at us and he says

so be honest y'all y'all ever done anal? And I go, no, no. I mean, well, he has a lot. He does anal all the time. And so he, the stranger looks at my friend, he goes, oh, bro, you fuck girls in the ass?

And I go, whoa, girls? I go, no, no, no, we fuck guys in the ass. And he's like, what the fuck? Y'all are gay. Like, that's some gay shit. And my friend makes his chest like super fucking big, walks up to him, gets super close and goes, let me guess, sophomore?

Oh my God. And this kid's really short he's like this kid's like david david's height by the way what the fuck my friend is like six three six four holy shit and uh so he's like he's like shivering in his shadow and goes yeah and oh, bro, that's the problem. And I slap my friend on the shoulder and I go, this guy's a fucking sophomore. I go, dude, just wait until your junior year. Everyone says they won't do it, but junior year rolls around and you're fucking guys in the ass left and right.

You can't even make yourself stop. Oh my fucking God. And he just goes, bro, no, I i'm not gonna fuck a guy in the ass like i'm not gonna do it like i don't care like if i'm a sophomore or a junior i'm not gay i'm not even if i'm a senior i'm not gonna fuck a guy in the ass and i go i don't know man that sounds exactly like what a sophomore would say and i was like didn't you say the same thing your sophomore year and he he goes, yeah. And I was like, alright, man.

You have a great night. And I was like, I'm going to go get some more drinks. I'll talk to you later. Talk to you when you're a junior. And then I leave. Yo, hit me up. And there's this tiny little area that's like a disco floor. And I go and start dancing on the disco floor. And it's just me. It's only me on the disco floor and I'm vibing and then my friend's girlfriend walked up

to me and goes hey have you seen our friend have you seen him and I'm like uh yeah I think I left him in the bathroom I go has he has he not come out of the bathroom yet and she's like no y'all went in there and he hasn't it's been like 10 minutes and he's still in there and i'm like oh all right i'll go check on him so i walk back into the into the restroom and they are like freaking four inches apart and he's my friend is big chested, like posted up. And this guy is just screaming at him. My friend has still not said a word. And he's just fucking screaming. And so I go and I step in between them and I push him apart.

I'm like, yo, like, let's calm down. We just pissing. Yo, yo, we just pissing. We're all pissers. We're all pissers. Y'all, y'all, y'all. We all pissers. We're all pissers. Y'all, y'all, y'all. We all pissing. I knew something was like about to go down because I could feel my friend's heartbeat like through his chest and it was fucking like 150 beats per minute.

That shit was moving. Dude. Dude, his chest was pumping out a dance beat. Dude, he was doing fucking drumstep in there. 50 is drumstep. Let's go. So I instantly go from like, oh, yeah, let's calm down to, I'm fucking terrified. He is going to tear this little kid apart.

And I look at him and go, bro, you need to shut the fuck up right now and step back. He's going to hurt you. And he's like, I don't give a fuck. This kid's a fucking pussy. He won't do shit. And my friend is just not moving and just starts like growling. He starts growling? Corbin, you were not his friend at that point.

You were his handler. I was terrified because I know what this man can do. And I go, he is going to destroy you. And I go, dude, I am saying this to the stranger. I go, I'm saying this in your best interest. Please shut the fuck up right now and just walk away. Just leave. And

he keeps just fucking like jawing like, I'm not going to do shit. This kid's a fucking pussy. Let's go outside. Let's go outside. And fucking straighto. We call them breathers. All of the girls that were in our group were outside

of the bathroom. They could hear this kid fucking screaming. And so they walk inside. And so now it's like three guys and like eight girls shoved in a tiny one-stall bathroom. And he keeps trying to fight him. My friend's not doing anything. Just like literally using all of his strength to hold himself back to not murder this man.

Because if he wanted to, I couldn't stop him. And eventually I talked to his girlfriend and get her to talk him to going and like waiting outside. And he's like, I want to fucking fight this kid. And he like is like trying to push through the door and like knocked two girls over. And I went, all right, like, fuck it. Like I'm kid. And he like, is like trying to push through the door and like knocked two girls over. And I went, all right, like, fuck it. Like I'm done.

And so I went to the owner. I went, yo, this guy's hitting women. And then the owner grabbed him and took him into the back office. But I saw him leave earlier. He didn't get arrested or anything. They probably just gave him a stern talking to. Then we went to one more bar, but it was pretty chill. We saw the owner again. And then it was two o'clock and we had to go more bar but it was pretty chill we saw the owner again and then

it was two o'clock we had to go home then you woke up and then uh yeah sorry there's two o'clock and i woke up yeah allegedly what what a what a cool fictional story of yours that was awesome and you said you had a non-fictional story i had two short non-fictional stories about fingers and butts one is one is more just a little bit uh what one is can i is it a crime no okay also i'm gonna no that would be fictional that would have been fine even if it wasn't a dream well it was the way he told it when it wasn't a dream last time he didn't tell it the same way and it sounded more like a crime yeah crimes had been committed now just dreams have been committed um yeah

yeah it was it was but like you you told you told it you told me this time and it sounded a little more real, I'm going to be honest. It's like 51% dream, 49% real. If Brendan doesn't show up, I don't think it's a dream. Yeah, exactly. If I'm not there, it's not a dream. So back in middle school, how familiar are all of you with credit card? Best Buy credit card?

You can actually use them. What is that? It was called credit card in other schools at our school we called it pizza cutter so this is post 9-11 kingdom hearts 2 i know i know yeah i don't know what that is yeah so yeah i know you're talking about yeah i'm about to explain it uh post 9-11, pre-Kingdom Hearts 2, I was in a school in Iowa in the deep, deep Midwest. And this was during my time on the farm. At this school, I think my class was maybe 15 to 16 kids for the whole school, for my class. So it was kindergartners all the way up to like right, like eighth grade, like right pre high school. So essentially kindergartners grade one all the way up to eighth graders.

And somebody got the idea that it would be really funny if all the guys started going around any grade. And credit card is a game where you swipe your hand through somebody's butt really fast yeah okay however pizza cutter is much more involved and because iowa is a culture cesspit you have to skip it afterwards it was much much no no it was much much more involved than credit card was uh to the point where it became a problem that kids were playing pizza cutter. But let me explain. Credit card is where you swipe your hand

through somebody's ass. I never participated. I always got got. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I always got got, but I never participated. That's what you just said. And you gotta go, credit card. I blanked out. You go credit card, you swipe them in the ass.. And you got to go credit card. Blanked out. That fucking hit me like a truck.

You go credit card, you swipe them in the ass. However, we didn't have credit cards. Somebody came up with pizza cutter where you take your hand, you make an open palm, you stick it in their ass between their ass cheeks and you go up and down three times and yell pizza cutter and run away. Oh my God. That is more involved. That is horrible. That's a lot. Dude, kids are fucking weird. The only reason it stopped,

this went on for months, like I was getting pizza cutters left and right. Like my cheeks were getting split. I was not happy. It went on for like a month and a half, two months. And the only reason it got stopped is because one of the fourth graders ran up to a teacher. A female teacher wearing a dress.

It gets even worse. The kid ran up to the teacher, did the pizza cutter thing, and her teal dress came away brown. Oh no! Oh no! It was so horrifying. I saw it live. I watched it happen right there.

And I wanted to die I was just shook it's horrifying hearing the play by play holy fuck and then pizza cutter was completely banned like teachers were patrolling the hallways looking out for kids

trying to pizza cutter other kids not the pizza patrol I'm just picturing your school as shadow Moses now trying to pizza cutter other kids. Not the pizza patrol. I'm just picturing your school as Shadow Moses now. That reminded me of a similar story.

I have one more finger butthole story that happened in college. I love it when we get Corbin and Brendan together. It's just a shorter one. So my friends, my friends, Chad and Shauna, stayed in Chad's dorm.

In the dorms where I went to college at, there were two people to a room. The dorms were separated into four people rooms. So it was almost like a small apartment with two rooms, two people in each, right? Right.

So Chad's roommate was this guy. And this guy was one of the worst people I've ever met. He was somebody that was in the game design program because he loved playing video games, but was scared of C++. So he didn't go to any of his programming classes, and he just sat in one of the booths and played games all day. So he was the definitive boothie,

if you understand my college lore. He would do a couple things that were incredibly irritating. One of them was make candied bacon every single week and just leave it out all week and eat it as it went by. In no container.

He would make candied bacon once he left it out all week, and eat it as it went by. In no container. He would make candy bacon once he left it out for a month and a half, and then I saw him eat a piece of it. He had numerous badges and pins all across his body that were anywhere from furry pins to brony pins to like, I'm a gamer pins.

Yes. The worst thing ever was Chad slept on a bunk bed on the bottom bunk. He was on the top bunk. Shauna stayed in the dorm with Chad so Shauna slept on the bottom bunk with Chad. One night, Chad wakes up because

Damien is fidgeting up above him and he is yelling stop fingering my butthole. Stop. Stop fingering my butthole. Fully asleep. And it kept happening night after night after night, to the point where Chad's like,

Brendan, you gotta come see this. He comes to Shelby's dorm, where I'm staying, opens up the door, comes inside. He's like, Brendan, you gotta come over to my dorm. He's asleep, and he's doing it right now. And we peek inside door, comes inside. He's like, Brendan, you gotta come over to my dorm. He's asleep and he's doing it right now. And we like peek inside. We peek inside. We pop our heads in and he's just like fucking

full throttle, just fucking rummaging around his bed yelling stop bingering my butthole! Stop bingering my butthole! What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? To the point where I was worried we'd have to call like some sort of like a gay exorcist. A gay exorcist?

I don't know what demons possessed him, but just not to mention the smell it was also one of those guys that used ax body spray instead of showering oh god about smelling another butthole story i got worried this became a running joke between me and my wife for many years um she would poke me in the butt and she'd look at me and she'd say, stop fingering my butthole and she'd chase me around the apartment. What?

What? What? I don't know. Dude, I love my wife. We were both psychos. It's insane. It wasn't like she poked me. It's not like she got her finger all the way up in there and I got shorts in the prostate.

It was like a quick poke. She didn't pizza cutter him. No, I didn't get pizza cutter. And thank God you don't want her ruining all your dresses. Jesus Christ. Should I tell the story or I've got one that's super super quick Brendan just reminded me

Of it It was one day And I'm sitting in my language arts class in middle school And if you remember the layout Of my middle school from getting stabbed In the hand It's there's like windows That lead out into the hallway And the hand. There's like windows that lead out into the hallway and the bottom of it is

like wood. So you can't see like about nipple length down. But if someone's walking down the hallway, you can like see their head. And I'm just staring out the window one class period. And this very strange kid is walking down,

disappears, and then like about a minute later, pops back up and keeps walking. And I went, that was fucking hilarious. That was the funniest shit I've ever seen. I'm going to start doing that. And I just kept thinking about how funny it was, and I didn't really say anything. And then that period ended, and we're standing by the door to get out. And I open the door, and I look, and there's a giant pile of shit on the ground exactly where they squatted down and i immediately went nope and i just turned back around and i went back to the teacheritting the whole way. At this point, I feel like we almost need

Pooping Bandit merch. Like, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely fucking not. Just know, we need to get a police composite sketch of Corbin. Just a police composite sketch of Corbin that just says, have you seen this man? Just a picture of Corbin and then a picture of me next to Corbin that says

have you seen this man in your dreams oh my god oh my god that's so good they can't be photos and they need to be composite sketches no one who has seen either of your faces we just describe you that's an amazing idea holy shit we just describe you. That's an amazing idea. Holy shit. Can we start committing crimes to get free police sketches? Allegedly.

Allegedly, yeah. I haven't committed any crimes. I only commit crimes in my dreams. Officer, it's for exposure. Please. It is for exposure. Bazinga. Bazinga. Officer, can you draw me?

I started telling you this story last night and I was like, hold on. I bet I could save this. To preface this, I have British genes so naturally my teeth are fucked right up fucking Levi's are they

so thank you Brendan I had to get my wisdom teeth removed a couple years back and shit was whack because they were like doing the x-ray thing and they look in and they're like yo you got an extra one and I'm like what the fuck does that mean and it's like no look and it's like no there's four wisdom teeth and they're going in sideways and then there's a fifth tooth the fucking vigilante behind one of them the secret

tooth yo human easter egg what you guys don't have a secret tooth so um they're like yeah we gotta get out five uh we're gonna do it all at once. And it's like, oh, OK, cool. We set an appointment. I go in there. And I recently learned that this is not standard practice. But what they did was they were like, OK, so this is going to be intensive. So we don't want you to feel anything. So they did a triple whammy to uh to make sure that that

that would be the case uh you know the rub they give you though they rub the stuff on your gums and it makes it numb yeah so they rub they rub my gums uh and then they get the injector stuff they inject my gums with like the local areas so it's like yeah doubled and then they put me on laughing gas yeah jesus and um my favorite thing about this is that uh they don't just put me on it they say everyone's different so um we're just gonna turn it up and uh tell us when. I really like approaching putting someone under for surgery the same way you approach peppering

someone's salad. I like that a lot. Everyone's a little different. Say when, bro. Say when. You pass out, they keep going. Yeah, no. I mean, you're funny when this guy wakes up so i'm gonna have a laughing okay i i i pull out my phone and i grab my headphones because i don't really want to be hearing this i put on pink floyd and I was like alright just keep going for a bit and they sure did

I don't I think I got beyond the point of not feeling anything you're comfortably numb to the point where I could hardly tell what was happening but of the very few things that I remember one of them was like, I started feeling guilty that I was making the job harder for the dentist.

So while they were working on me, I was like, you guys are doing a great job. That's a very you thing to do. I'm going to be honest. I really wanted them to know that i appreciated what they were doing i hate how genuine it would have sounded too yeah no because it was genuine i know i can just hear it but julian you forgot that they were doing great i mean that's i thought

they were doing great there were a few times wherever like i heard a like a crunch and they were like uh-oh and it happened right after you got done telling them you guys are doing a great job i really i really like them picturing them their fingers in your fucking mouth when you when you're saying it so it just comes out they well they were yeah dennis do that all the time like they'll ask you questions while they're operating on you're like so how's your tuesday take your hand out of my mouth and gonna answer you maybe i just thought of a vintage story um no yeah it was it was unpleasant um what else oh yeah dude oh fuck there was a point where they needed like i was looking the wrong direction so like hey we need to move your head and i'm like so they grabbed my head and like rotate it 90 degrees um but for me it felt like it rotated 90 degrees and then kept going

for like the next hour my head was spinning to the right it was really intense so they had to like stitch up where where the uh where the teeth were oh my god and uh afterwards if you just looked at my face it looked like i had gained 50 pounds uh because my entire face was so swollen um and uh like a day later once i was you know recovering on pain meds and all that uh i'm sitting uh i'm sitting uh in the in a hallway my dad's hallway has a mirror and i look at myself in the mirror and i'm like huh i wonder what like i wonder what that looks like so i like i lean over and i'm like i'm not squeamish i don't give a shit it's just gonna be a wound whatever i open up my mouth and i like look in wherever like the stitches were and i'm like oh yeah that sure is that sure is a wound where

a tooth used to be and uh and uh i get a fucking cold flash out of nowhere and i go into fight or flight and like my eyes dilate and i get tunnel vision and i fucking collapse and i can't breathe very well for a second and i learned that i can uh just summon a pan attack in three easy steps um and it was gone within a minute and i was like wow that was whack i need to know like scientific method dictates that i need to make sure that is uh that is indeed what caused it so i get up i look at it again it happens again brute force looking at my wound. Just making sure I can pass out on command. Yeah, well, I mean, you know. Yeah, I'm gonna use that shit all the time.

When you said, I gotta make sure. When you said fight or flight, I was so sure that you were going to fucking punch and shatter the mirror. First time flight, second time fight. I fucking... I fucking hate the dentist. When I was in middle school, I had to get braces.

And I knew, like, the day that I was going, I knew, like, this is going to be my last meal without braces. So I wanted to eat a shit ton of pizza rolls. And so I just gorged myself with pizza rolls, which was not a very good idea. I don't know why I thought that would be the best last meal to have with normal teeth. Why wouldn't you pick something you can't eat

with braces like apples or chewing gum? I don't know. I ate like half a bag of the giant Tostitos rolls and then I went to the dentist and they were going to do the mold on my mouth. And, uh,

they're just like, just letting you know, like, it's going to feel like it's going down your throat, but it's not, it's fine. And I went, I'm just going to let you know,

I have probably one of the worst gag reflexes that you have ever seen in your entire life. And she went, Oh no, literally everyone says that. And so they put that thing in your mouth. I'm a gay icon. Yeah, I was going to say, you're a gay icon.

She puts that thing in your mouth that holds your mouth open. She put the mold in. Oh, I hate that shit. I couldn't close my mouth and just projectile vomit. Oh! All of my pizza rolls. All of my pizza rolls.

All of my pizza rolls directly down like the front of her face and down her face. And she's just looking at me and she goes, and I go, sorry. Dude, quit. I think anybody would cry a little bit on the subject of food and wisdom teeth um when i got my wisdom teeth removed it was halloween and the last year i

could be on free health care uh i had the same experience as julian except they gave me four needles because i'm a big boy and i told them you got to give me a bunch of needles because you gotta do it um they gave me the laughing gas and i don't remember a single thing it was like a level transition i got the gas and i woke up my mom's like laughing at me and i'm like why are you laughing at me they give me hydros they give me hydros and they send me home and i'm like loopy as hell like i'm i barely remember any of this a lot of this is third hand from my mom. I apparently went upstairs and I was playing Xbox 360, but the TV wasn't on. Like my mom would just come in and check on me and I've just got the controller and I'm just yelling, yeah, high score.

Like a fucking psycho sitting there. My sister goes trick or treating-treating with my mom because my little sister is 15 years younger than me. So she's a little bappy, and she goes with my mom. They come back with like a trash bag full of candy. And apparently at some point during the night, I snuck downstairs,

grabbed a bunch of chocolate. This is the day of when I got my wisdom teeth removed. Like handfuls of chocolate ran upstairs to my room closed the door and my mom says she walked in on me mouth covered in chocolate blood and chocolate dripping down my mouth oh my god just making the most disgusting gurgling noises What is this? That reminded me. Holy shit. Like a demon. I did something similar while I was still loopy leaving.

I had just gotten home, and I didn't really understand what was happening for a while, but I just pull out my phone and start scrolling, and I see something that really shocks me, and I'm like, see something that really shocks me and i'm like whoa hold on i look at my mom and i'm like i put her i show her my phone and i'm like have you seen this and she tells me that there's my phone is off at some point you were looking at your fucking reflection, you moron. What the fuck is this? At some point during this too,

my mom said I went downstairs to my little brother's room in the basement and I started pointing at him and yelling slut for like five minutes straight. And I have no recollection of most of this except for when I kind of came to in my chocolate fugue

like looking down at myself realizing what i have become dude i want laughing gas it it's it's something i did laughing gas once uh when i got surgery on my leg and my mom was really excited to see how i react because she's like you've never come home drunk before or anything she goes i'm really excited to see what you're like under the influence. I didn't say a single word to her the entire car ride. And then she goes, do you want something to eat? Because I wasn't allowed to have

food for the surgery. And I went, Chick-fil-A. This was before I was a gay icon. And... I don't know. So she went to Chick-fil-A. She me food i just drank my dr pepper and i hadn't even touched the food yet because my stomach was so empty that i was like too nauseous i threw it up into a clear bag and since it was nothing but dr pepper it still smelled exactly like Dr. Pepper. Yo, 24 flavors. And my mom,

my mom said, she goes, you were completely fine and normal. But she goes, I had to keep convincing you not to drink your vomit. And you kept saying, no, I can do it. I can do it.

No, I swear, I swear, I can do it. I can do it. Oh my God. Yo, hang on. You have another story about substances and your first time experiencing them that you told me the other day. I can do it. I can do it. Oh my God. Yo, hang on. Oh my God. You have another story about substances and your first time experiencing them that you told me the other day.

Yeah. Um, oh my God. So I, I am not a, uh, drug person. I drink. Um, but one time in high school, I, it was on four 20 and, uh, all of my friends at the time were all complete stoners. Allegedly. No, this is true.

But they were super cool about it, and they never ever peer pressured me into smoking. But one day, it was 420, and I went, guys, we're sitting at lunch, and I went, guys, I think I want to celebrate the holiday today. And so they all got fucking ecstatic. And my friend was like, yo, I've already been

chilling this cucumber. We're going to go smoke out of a cucumber and it's going to be super fun. You made a fucking cucumber pipe? Yes. And it was awesome. Dude, that's sick. Let's go. So school ends and we walk to his house because he lived right next

to our high school. And I, he takes the cucumber out. We like, you know, get a drill and turn it into a pipe. And we start smoking it and I'm like not getting high. So I just keep hitting it and we're passing it around. And eventually I just started staring at this brick wall in front of me. You did the same thing I did. And they go, they go,

Corbin, Corbin, it's your turn. Hit it. And I just look at him and I go, when am I? And I went, I was like, oh, guys, I just realized I might be high. No, I did the same shit. Nothing gets stoners more excited than getting somebody high for the first time.

You know, Corbin, finish your story. I'll talk about mine in a minute. They finished smoking and I tapped out. And we're just sitting in the backyard, like, just chilling and laughing. And then my friend whose house it was he goes guys stop do you hear that and it's like dead silent we're like no he goes i think my dad just got home and so i start freaking out because i'm like i'm not i go i'm not gonna get caught smoking weed my very first time doing it.

So I immediately like panic and I jump his backyard fence. And this fence is like double my height. So it's not like, it's not a clean jump. It's a me jump, grab the top of it, pull myself over, throw myself to the ground, stand up. I look and I see this old lady just standing in her backyard. And we're just staring at each other for what feels like 30 minutes dude it's probably only a few seconds oh my god that woman must have had a fucking heart attack and i just go fuck and so i jump back over the fence into my friend's yard and they're panicking and i'm like what's going on he, my dad just got home and I go,

fuck. So I jump over the fence again and the lady is slightly closer. What the fuck? And we're both just frozen staring at each other and when I forgot about the lady. So I jump back over the fence again

and they go, what are you doing? Why do you keep jumping the fence? And I go, wrong fence. And I run to the other side of his yard and jump over the fence

into his front yard and there's a lady just walking her dog just staring at me and I go, wrong fence. And I run to the other side of his yard and jump over the fence into his front yard and there's a lady just walking her dog just staring at me and I feel like no one else is moving. And I go, fuck.

And so I run back into the backyard and I jump back into the backyard and they go, we gotta get inside but we can't use the back door.

And I go, there's a window right there that leads into your room. And he goes, okay. So we try and lift it but it gets stuck halfway through and I go, fuck it window right there that leads into your room he goes okay so we try and lift it but it gets stuck halfway through and I go fucking I'm diving in so I dive into his room the back of my foot comes up hits the glass it shatters it shatters all over his bed it shatters like all over his bed I roll off into the ground and sit in his desk and then the two other guys we were with

jump in through the window and they go, fuck it, I don't even care, the window's broken and they both get into his bed. I'm sitting there pretending to type on the computer, trying to act sober and his dad just walks in and they're both laying down and my friend just shoots up and they

stare at each other and he goes, what are y'all doing? And my friend just goes, homework. And he's like, okay. And his dad closes the door and walks away. And we're like, we fucking did it.

He has no idea we're high. Oh dude, the fucking class. And then, so they get up, they get out of bed and they're just like, you know, trying to... He had a ton of really cool, like, random shit in his room, and we're all just like fucking around.

And then one of our friends grabs a gun off of his wall. Because he had a gun hanging on his wall. And my other friend goes, bro, where... Boy, that is escalated. Where? What do you mean, where? Where are we going? Oh.

Well, Corbin's going back to school. I haven't gotten there yet. Uh-oh. And so he goes, bro, that's like a really expensive, like, that's just like a, you know, like a old antique gun. It's like, put it back. You're going to fuck it up. You're high. And he's like, I'm not, like, I know what to do with guns.

Like, I'm not going to fuck it up. He goes, no, like, give me the gun. And so he tries to grab the gun and they're like cartoon style going back and forth, like fighting between each other. Oh my God, no! And I'm just sitting there on the bed just watching and it clicks in my head. They're fighting over a gun.

Oh my God. I run up and I grab the gun and we're all three doing it in the circle now and i go guys stop and we all just stop and i go we are too high to be touching a gun let's just all put it down at the same time and so we like mexican standoff slowly put the gun down and i just slide it under the bed with my foot and i go go, okay, we made it. Crisis averted. And I am really high. And I'm just sitting there staring at the clock, trying to figure out what time

is. And then my friend goes, my friend's like, why are you staring at the clock? And I go, I have no idea how time moves anymore. And he goes, oh, well, do you have anything to do today? And I go, I don't idea how time moves anymore. And he goes, oh, well, do you have anything to do today? And I go, I don't think so. And then it dawns on me, I do have something to do today.

I have to go perform a dance in front of my school at the spring show. No. In less than an hour. So I'm sitting there and we don't have food or water and we're too afraid to go outside because his dad's there and I'm realizing that Cottonmouth's the thing and I was like I need water and he's like you have to go get it the only water is in our kitchen and I'm like all right I'm gonna go on a secret mission anyone else need water and they were all like yeah like bring us water and so I get on the floor and I start army crawling,

just on my elbows, down his hallway. I get to where the hallway splits into either the living room or the kitchen. I look to my right, and his little sister is just staring at me. And I just go, shh. And then continue to crawl to the kitchen. What the fuck, man?

Make two glasses of water, crawl back spilling them. I get in and we all drink our water. And I was like, guys, I have to be there in 45 minutes. I have to go back to school. And they're like, you need to leave now. So I walk out of his house. I walk back to school. And it was the coolest fucking walk I've ever been on in my entire life.

Because I'm seeing my neighborhood in an entirely different way. Dude, I get that. It hits different. It hits different. It feels nice. I get into the school. I start to walk into the auditorium. And my principal is just standing there. And I just into the school. I start to walk into the auditorium and my principal is just standing

there. And I just go, hello. And she's like, hi. And I don't remember a single other word I said to her. But I talked to her for a while. Oh, no. She must have thought, dude, this kid is stoned out of his mind.

I get in and we do our dance and it is fucking atrocious. It is so bad. Even high, you can tell. Oh, I mean, I was having the time of my life. I was having a lot of fun. The only thing was, it was 420, so

I was not the only person who was high. Oh, God. Nice, dude. We were all horrible. And my parents were there. My grandparents were there. They saw me after the show and they went, that was a dance. Y'all did that.

What it was was for our drill team, if you were dating someone or related to someone on the drill team, you would sign up for this guy's dance. It was supposed to be pretty bad. It was atrocious but then i had to talk to them while high and i played it off pretty well i think um

and then the next day was the second showing of the show and after the show i talked to my parents again and they went that was incredible the amount of improvement y'all all made from day one to day two was uncanny i don't know how y'all did it they went a lack of weed i did not i didn't say that but that's what i said in my head yeah corbin i mine didn't have a gun to be fair but uh my my first time smoking it was like the exact same experience um my one friend uh recently got like a whole ton of it just like an absurd amount and he calls me he's like hey you want to come over um our other friend who lives across the street from him was going to be there too and like his girlfriend and stuff it's like yeah you know what sure like i am at the point where i

don't have to do like drug tests for anything i'm doing anymore it's like i'll i'll swing by so like we all get in a circle we go through like two or three passes and i'm still feeling like perfectly fine everybody's like oh you know how you feeling how you feeling so yeah you know like i i don't feel it that much you know sometimes like it just doesn't work uh especially like first time like maybe just doesn't do anything we go through like another half a pass and i'm staring at my one friend and i just start like laughing uncontrollably and i'm like trying to figure out what i think is so fucking funny um it's probably like 10 30 at night pitch black outside uh and my friend kevin is sitting there and he's got uh sunglasses on because they were like, oh, they're my smoking glasses.

And it's like, I'm sitting there for like five minutes. It feels like 15 minutes. Just trying to be like, I need you to take the glasses off. It's like, I can't look at you if you're wearing the sunglasses right now. So like belligerently, he finally takes them off. I'm having the time of my life. I'm just like sitting back in my chair.

He's like, oh, you doing good? I was like, I have never felt better uh and then the thing that snapped me back to is my two friends are like wrestling over something um they both fall into a bush and start fighting in a bush and i like leaned into my friend's girlfriend like hey like they they good i haven't paid attention and i I noticed that the peanut butter filled pretzels that we were all kind of snacking on are just all over the floor. And she goes, oh, yeah, no, it's fine. He just stood up and kicked over the pretzels. It's like this happens sometimes.

So I'm sitting up just like watching my one friend get his ass beat in a bush by my other friend. We all sit back down and it's like nothing happened. Wow. We're sitting there, we're chilling for a little bit longer and all of a sudden, like, I hear somebody just, like, scream my friend's name. I'm sitting with my back towards where the fence is, but my friend

who lives across the street's mom, like, came over and caught us and I'm thinking, like, fuck, I, like, I'm thinking like fuck i like i'm immediately planning my escape like how am i gonna get out of here uh because i am not doing this one time getting the cops called on me uh my friend from across the street just like stands up sprints into the house my other friend goes hold on he just got up and went inside i'll go get him uh and i guess he had to go inside and stop him

from opening the front window and jumping out of it run down the street to another person's house so we're sitting there quietly like my friend's mom is asking us a bunch of questions and i'm wearing a hoodie and like slouched down so i'm like i hope she doesn't notice who i am me i i have a very distinct uh silhouette we need to reiterate that tin is six foot seven and built like a tank yeah i and this this was when i was um i was like maybe an inch and a half shorter two inches shorter uh like high school senior like still lifted regularly playing football it's like you could tell it was me and actually you know what no i'm wearing the same hoodie right now my name is on the back of it it's it's the exact same hoodie

actually i know because i have a picture of that night um so like i'm sitting there i'm waiting uh eventually my friend comes back with the other friend like in tow it just like sends him on his way it's like you know just get the fuck out of here bro like it's fine don't worry about it right now like we'll worry about it later and i'm sitting there i'm like should i like go like she's not gonna call the cops or nothing is she like oh no this happens like almost every time we do this it's fine um eventually i do end up leaving my friends like hey if you want to make sure that you don't smell just drive around for a little bit oh so i do uh don't drive under the influence no don't do that i only have to drive like down the street um it does not windows open i drive i drive around for a little bit just to make sure i don't smell it's like all right i just gotta walk like by my parents

um just don't say anything like don't look weird just don't be vis just gotta walk, like, by my parents. Just don't say anything. Like, don't look weird. Just don't be visibly high. Walk past and go to your room. You're just going to bed for the night. I make it, like, to my room, lay down. My mom, like, pokes her head in the room. She's like, hey, I made some, like, I think it was, like, bread pudding or something.

Do you want any? Like, I should just say no. So I, like, don't have to walk downstairs but like i'm really fucking hungry now so so i agree and i walk downstairs and i'm sitting there and i'm eating it and it's like a fucking um it's like an extra test it's like i have to sit here and i have to eat this and i have to not like act like i'm fucked up because i am uh and at some point i was thinking too hard about it it like puts them in my mouth didn't close my mouth and just spat it like all back

i'm like looking around and i'm like do they see me do that do they watch that and then i made it back to bed and they never noticed oh my god i would always get fucking caught when i would do that first time i ever smoked weed and and got high was like i was way too young i was like 16 or some shit probably why i have brain issues uh i just remember coming back home and at that time my room was like in the basement and i had to like walk down the stairs and my mom was just like i didn't even notice it my mom was just staring at me while i was just stumbling down the fucking stairs and she she just randomly yelled like you fucking high dude i i thought i was gonna fucking piss my pants live there she was

really okay with it yeah because i don't know because it's funny. Watch him freak out a little bit. I think she actually did that to fucking startle me, because then I looked up and she was smiling and laughing. I was like, oh, damn. I would do that shit if I had kids. I don't care, but it's like, I am going to fuck with you if you come home like that.

Dude, I was fucked up, man. I was real bad. I had so much fucking craft. Speaking of almost pissing your pants, I have to piss my pants. Dude, I have to piss my pants. You want to shave your balls on stream? I will. I'll do it right now. I'll do it right now. Thank you, Manscaped.

Let me look at my lawnmower. I can trim my nostril hair. Imagine having a stream titled Shaving My Balls Live on Stream and it's just two coconuts and you and a razor. What if it's you actually shaving your balls but the camera is chest up? Is that TOS?

I don't know. Surely it can be. I don't know. Let's ask that streamer that got his account terminated because he just whipped his balls out and started he put this entire cock out man i did not he's like no camera trickery just stands up and just whips his balls out dude and there's like the weirdest music playing it's so fucking strange and he keeps going

he keeps going oh my boss yeah he's so bad at it he keeps going oh fuck he's so bad at it it's so fucking weird man it might be my new favorite thing jesus christ

he doesn't fuck around he doesn't like change the camera to be like chest up or anything though he just whips his balls buddy just decided to fucking go dude what the music though the fucking music the way the vocals come in whenever his cock is on camera for the first time. He's got dynamic ball shaving music. When he just goes like, ah cunt. I think the vocals actually only do happen when his dick is just fully exposed. This video's art.

I should download it before it's gone. I should also download it before it's gone I should also download it before it's gone it's really funny when it cuts off he starts dancing to the fucking music he knows what he's doing are we ready for questions? yeah let's go questions Suma Slideshow asked

what is the dumbest thing you ever did? we should probably introduce the question segment first. Oh, we're into questions now. Fuck you. We are into questions now. These are Patreon questions. If you're a Patreon member and you donate money, I don't know how this thing works.

I don't actually read the things. I don't know. It's like $5. Sue A said, asks, no. Who? Dude, you're fucking-

Patreon questions. Sue A. What the fuck is going on? Sue A. Slideshow asked, what is the dumbest thing you ever did as a child that you immediately got in trouble for? As an example, I almost got a grandma killed at Disneyland when I was six. That is not a joke.

I know Corbin's answer. I pissed on the family computer I know this I do know this I love this story I'm pretty sure you told it on the podcast too didn't you? did I?

you did I swear that's still the dumbest thing I did I pissed on the family computer no I don't think I did the dumbest thing I did is I pissed on my family computer because I didn't want to... No, I don't think I did. The dumbest thing I did is a trial. Oh, I know. I think I literally said it

a fucking few episodes ago. I threw rocks on the family car because I was bored and I just destroyed the fucking paint job. Magnet man. Magnet man's pretty fucking

dumb. I feel like we already told all of ours. Mine is probably God, I'm such a moron. So, I'm in the kitchen. I'm like eight. And so, you know how certain doors

will have like stoppers like on the hinge like this little rubber thing the ones that go like it's kind of like that this one's a little different but it functionally is the same so I'm

kid and I'm looking at the closet the pantry door and I'm like I wonder if I throw it like if I slam the door open hard enough, it will bounce back and fully close. I'm going to keep going until that happens. So I try it once. Doesn't work. I try it way harder the next time. It doesn't work i try it way harder the next time it doesn't work um and i try like i almost

don't go in like 10 times until eventually uh the stopper just breaks a hole into the door because of course it would man and the look of disappointment that my dad gave me is unlike anything he's ever done to me before or since i just went i just went to my room he didn't even need to say it dude i was i was wondering what music i was listening to and i just realized i've been looking i've been watching the dude shake his balls it's just white noise dude it was just on the other screen. I didn't fucking realize. I think mine might actually like thinking about it. I think mine is the factory reset that I hit when I was a little kid.

Oh, dude, sick. Yeah, I'm sure I talked about it. I stuck a fork in the first memory I have. Like where my memory starts is an electrical socket exploding in front of me. That's the first memory I have. So like I'm 99% sure that sticking the fork in that electrical socket fried all of my memories that I made up until that point. Because the first memory, I knew

it was my mom, but the first memory I ever had is an electrical socket exploding in my face and then my mom like screeching around the corner and yelling, what the fuck was that? And me looking and going, nothing. And I'm like, charred black face.

My hair is literally blown back. Like, there's smoke filling the room and I have a charred fork in my hand. How did you survive? I fucking cartoon character shit. I don't know how I survived there's two of the same one

and both of the same one are if you would smash another cast member's chest I don't know I think this guy I think the guy posted the same yeah I think this guy just put up the same question twice because he really wants

to know. Again, it's three times. Keep going up. Oh, are you kidding? I haven't been paying attention. Oh, there it is. Oh, my God. You know, I'd smash that guy's balls.

Smash that guy's balls. Hey, HL Longboy, I'd smash your balls with a fucking rock. Collective Boy Trip, give us your address. We're coming with rocks. You don't got to provide them. We'll bring them. Provide the balls. Provide the balls. Give us your address. We're coming with rocks. You don't got to provide them. We'll bring them. Provide the balls. Provide the balls.

Provide the balls. I was talking about the rocks. Yeah, we were. Robley asks, all nine members are stranded on the island a la Lord of the Flies. What role does everyone fill? Dead. Food. King.

Winner. Mascot. Or dead. Mascot. First thing I'm doing coconut bra second thing I'm doing death that's probably accurate I'll probably I'll be food

I'm just gonna team up with Mandy immediately that feels like the safest bet immediately find the highest rock and stand on it and claim to be king. Oh yeah, no, I would. And then while you're doing that, Corbin, Mandy's building like an uphill water irrigation

system out of like tree twigs. Don't worry about it. Corbin and I will get together and we'll make a bunch of sand golems on the beach. Yeah, Avery, I'm a scientist. And the gay icon. Wow, what can't he do? Corbin and I are gonna do the Dragon Ball Fusion dance and just

kill everyone on the island. It'll be that easy. You might have a king, but we have God. Yeah, I think a tribal war breaks out and you guys lose pretty quickly. Oh yeah, guaranteed, but it'd be really funny. We wouldn't spirit though. We've got a mascot for you.

I mean, yeah, you will be spirits, I guess. I'm just okay with dying. I wouldn't let you. Corbin, I'll use your body to plant a palm tree and it'll be the haunted palm tree. Oh, dude. Okay, I'm fine with dying now. I'm on David's side.

What if we all, if we die, you have to put up a palm tree so it'll be the haunted oh dude okay i'm fine with dying now i'm on david's side what if we all if we die you have to put up a palm tree so that if somebody we can just haunt together as a family i want somebody to use my skull as a mace i got a pretty thick skull yeah i can do that probably i don't think i don't think you can kill me i don't think you can bring yourself to do it you can't kill corporate in a way that matters i think you would try and stab it with a knife in your hand which is forciblybly shot. I have a question. What do you mean by that? By a way that matters. Like, non-permanent? Yeah, try and see for yourself, David.

I'm a plot device. Hey, thanks for listening. You probably realized that this isn't the normal ending theme, and that's because I just released a new song! It's called Urgently Jammin' and I made it for the game Cryptid Crush, which I'm producing music for. It's a tabletop-inspired visual novel RPG with cryptids, demons, monsters, and more. If you like turn-based combat, dating cryptids, owning a cat, or just having actual fun, then you're in for some ghostly goodies.

Check the game out on itch.io, follow the CC Twitter, and listen to the music on Spotify. Links are in the description. And a huge thank you to all our patrons for making this show possible, such as... 1-100-5161 Air 109 Alex Steer Ben Krizmanek Bike Bongo Crust Boopoo Lou Brobly Christian B

Dreams of Ice Ducky Madness Ethan with an I Eric Scott Gillies Fang Jade Generic Phoenix Harry Norris Inverted Van Man

John with a B Leo the Geotech Major Beast Jingles the 665th Plus One I Hate Your Name Matthew Riverhead Mellow Wolf Thanks so much for watching and we'll see you next time! សូវាប់បានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបា Bye.