Please Stop Talking - How The Cat Stole Christmas: A PST Story Time

Episode Date: January 18, 2019

THIS EPISODE IS BETTER WITH HEADPHONES! Thank you so much to everybody who participated in the PST holiday event! Big congratulations to Free Asschaps for the amazing story and Fuji for the equally as amazing art! Thanks to everybody for making our 2018 something special that we'll remember forever. Join the PST Discord server!: http://discord.gg/YNqTT65 Support the podcast and David on Patreon: http://www.patreon.com/SirMeowMusic Humble Bundle Monthly: http://humble.pleasestopshopping.com/ Humble Bundle: http://www.humblebundle.com/?partner=pstpodcast Links: Free Asschaps - https://twitter.com/FreeAsschaps Fuji - https://twitter.com/FujiTheApple David - https://twitter.com/SirMeowMusic Avery - https://twitter.com/ShammyTV Cameron - https://twitter.com/SuperSneakSheep Kyle - https://twitter.com/SirZulu_ Brendaniel - https://twitter.com/BrendanielH Mandy - https://twitter.com/Lord_Mandalore Podcast - https://twitter.com/PSTPodcast Podcast also available on Spotify, iTunes, and SoundCloud! iTunes🎙️https://goo.gl/X1C3nG Spotify🎙️https://goo.gl/fdVg9V Soundcloud🎙️https://goo.gl/i1zNgC Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm, like, so worried about my sister. Randy, you cannot marry a murderer. I was sick, but I am healed. Returning to W Network and Stack TV. The West Side Ripper is back. If you're not killing these people, then who is? That's what I want to know. Starring Kaley Cuoco and Chris Messina.

The only investigating I'm doing these days is who shit their pants. Killer messaged you yesterday? This is so dangerous. I gotta get out of this. Based on a true story. New season Mondays at 9 Eastern and Pacific. Only on W. Stream on Stack TV. Clear your schedule for you time with a handcrafted espresso beverage from Starbucks.

Savor the new small and mighty Cortado. Cozy up with the familiar flavors of pistachio. Or shake up your mood with an iced brown sugar oat shaken espresso whatever you choose your espresso will be handcrafted with care at starbucks how the cat stole christmas by lord s chaps oh christmas eve what a wonderful time full of kids laughing and dancing, singing all sorts of rhyme, of snow gracefully falling over homes, roads, and heads, and parents with their little ones riding on their sleds. But none shone brighter than one particular fellow, his smile joyful and his hums oh so soft and mellow.

For many years he'd been waiting for this night, the night where he'd finally make all things right. David was his name of considerable podcast fame, known also for his music and reviewing that one game. A quirky yet lovable feline, albeit a bit of a klutz, and the kind of guy to on accident show others hardcore furry smuts. He strolled through town, careless and full of joy, truly one heck of a fluffy music boy. But the seemingly innocent cat a dark secret he held, for a dangerous mission deeply he upheld. Deep underground in a basement he had built, an evil invention of which he held no guilt,

funded by his Patreon a big flying machine, unlike the kinds anyone in town had ever freaking seen. He reached his invention with one thought in mind. Tonight I won't rest until the big fat man I find. Luckily though, alone he was not in his mission, for his friend Avery kept on looking at him with suspicion. Are you sure this thing can even get off the ground? Avery quirked his brow over his eyes. The machine was thick and made of metal, how would it fly through the skies? Yet it somehow housed a sofa, PC, and an EPIC

Gamer Monitor screen! Hey, trust me, I got this. David said with a cocky grin, jumping aboard the great sleigh-like machine. With a sigh and a facepalm, Avery gave up trying to reason with the cat, so he jumped into the device and on the surprisingly soft sofa he sat. Okay, now what? This thing is nothing to take it off the ground, so- What's up? A far too familiar voice spoke up from the front side.

You guys ready to go? Attached to the machine by leather reins and a bridle, a muscular shirtless duck stood there, idle. Why am I not surprised that you're here? Avery sighed as he moved back to his place. He was already getting tired of this goddamn nutcase. Ed, you do realize that not all ducks can fly, right? Well, now that you said that, I'm gonna fucking do it, just out of spite.

Avery didn't know why he kept on trying. These two just wouldn't hear reason. But at least he now knew he wasn't going anywhere this holiday season. Oh, this is going to be epic. David grabbed the reins with an excited little shout. Get up, Ed. We're going to fuck out. This is so dumb. I'm getting off. Wait, holy fuck. Why is this shaking? Holding onto his seat, Avery glanced forwards and what he saw, there was no mistaking. Ed flew through the goddamn roof without moving a muscle, and the machine followed soon after, causing quite the bustle.

David simply smirked, proud of what he'd created. As they passed through the air, the turbulence soon abated. Ed seemed to care little, arms folded and grin unchanged. Yet Avery, on the other hand, was starting to look deranged. Wind blowing through his feathers, his claws buried into the seat, while some banging Christmas tunes were put on repeat. But whether it was from the music or the passing of time, Avery slowly began to grow used to the shaking ship and the cold winter climb.

Hell, when he really got down to it, this sheer speed was kind of dope. A small smile growing on his beak, he left behind all his nope. And then the ship simply stopped, Ed's abs no longer shining. Well shit, ran out of gamer juice. I hope you guys like skydiving. I fucking hate you sometimes. Avery sighed as his deadpan resurfaced. All his short-lived excitement was into anger repurposed.

With a mighty scream, the trio fell towards the below, their fall luckily broken by the fresh white cold snow. Head spinning and beset by the cold and the wind, Avery had to wonder, just where had he sinned? He stood up grunting, his head and muscles in pain, and already he'd decided to never help David again. His eyes glanced around him, all he could see was white and green. He had no idea what to make of this bizarre scene. Where the fuck is everyone? He couldn't help but wonder.

Hopefully he didn't end up lost here, forever thanks to that stupid blunder. But as hard as he tried, of his friends there was no sight, only the eerie sounds hidden in the forest and under the cold snowy white. But his search soon he stopped, a thunderous howl echoing throughout. His body froze and feathers shuddered, something was going about. His head quickly he buried under the snow he stayed out of sight, just in time for a mighty goat-like beast to come roaring in from the night. And from his clenched claw a familiar sight swung limply, a chattering, tittering cat crying out his plea.

Okay, listen, you really don't want to eat me. I'm a furry and Canadian, I'm like the worst thing there can be. The goat creature stopped for a second, before shrugging it off. He'd gotten worse meals in his metaphorical trough. Oh, for fuck's sake. Avery groaned, stealthily following the strange creature. Why the hell was there a rescue scene in this Christmas feature? The beast up the tallest hill climbed, and into a cave he threw his prey, before moving back outside to continue on his way.

Seemed like he wasn't in the mood to eat cat today, nor would he ever if Avery had his say. David! The owl whispered out loud, rushing towards the bound cat with but a sharp stick and his claw. Oh, hey, Avery, what's up? David waved back at him with a paw. And that's when Avery realized the cat wasn't even properly tied.

It caused him to groan, and his mental fatigue was realized. What the fuck are you doing? Let's get out of here! The owl rushed back out to make sure they were in the clear, before realizing David wasn't moving an inch. David! Avery shouted, making the chilled out cat flinch. We can't just leave, Avery. That'd be so rude. What if the goat monster thingy just

went out to get some food? You are the food, David! The owl sighed and rubbed his eye. Look, I'm getting out of here. Up to you if you want to fucking die. But when the owl turned to leave, his face immediately went pale. Seemed like his plan of being sneaky had ended a fail. With a shriek and a swing, the beast tried to grab hold,

but Avery's fear made him slip and fall onto the cold. The goat creature swung again to try a second strike, and Avery barely felt how the beast graced his feathers with his spike. Damn it! Avery shrieked out at his friend.

You either get up and help me escape! But it was far too late. The beast finally grabbing hold of the owl's nape. Uh, maybe he just wants you to join our Christmas dinner? David smiled a nervous smile. Or maybe he wants to eat us and leave our bones in a pile. No shit! Avery cried out, feeling the beast's hot breath washing over his back. But then, the two were left blinking as they heard one mighty crack,

and the beast fell on his knees, defeated with total ease. Behind the fallen monster, a lone figure stood. On its claw, a large, blunt, club-like weapon made entirely out of wood. It slowly got closer, not speaking a word, until the light finally revealed the face of a familiar kiwi bird. Hey-o! The bird waved happily, eyes lacking a single bit of fear.

What the actual fuck, Cameron? What are you doing here? Uh, duh. The bird replied to Avery as he put his club down. Hunting down mythical Christmas monsters is like a tradition back in my town. You're from New Zealand! You don't even have snow! Y-yeah... so? Avery was left silent. He... really didn't care anymore.

At least things should be less risky with a party of four. Wait... Where the hell was Punk Duck? Hell yes! Now we can... KiwiP going? Get it? Kiwi... Keep... Eh? Eh? punk duck hell yes now we can keep going get it kiwi keep eh eh david nudged avery's side luckily mostly thanks to his friend's shenanigans the owl had long since died inside okay then what are we supposed to do now avery sighed as the trio got moving without your ship to take us to santa i really can't see our situation improving oh so you guys want to go to santa's i know the way there trio got moving. So without waiting for an answer, Cameron led them out of Krampus' lair.

So the party carried on through the forest they kept going, and Avery's doubts and whole trip to see Santa. My intentions are as pure as a bottle of Fanta. Okay, that was not what I wanted to ask you, but now I'm even more concerned. It's just... for too many years for presents I've yearned. Wait, what- But Avery's words were cut short as David struck a dramatic stance. Ever since I was but a tiny kitty cat, I've written eagerly to Santa, wishing for a present by chance.

Year after year, I waited by the tree, ready to catch the bat-bearded man and the wonderful gifts he brings. But he never did come. Never did I get any of the meows he earned for things. So, you're pissed at Santa because he didn't give you stuff? Avery blinked in concern.

All of this for some silly grudge. Just how hard for presents did he yearn? Yo, guys, shut up. We're here. Cameron pointed forwards to where the Christmas legend now resided. And it was no jolly old hut, but a fortress so contrived. Walls made of candy rose several feet tall with Christmas-searching lights up high

and several dozen helicopters manned by Santa's elves in the sky. Well, guess it's time to go back home. Avery spoke out loud with fear, only to be dragged towards the fortress by David, for the end of his mission was near. Good luck gamers. Cameron smiled wisely, watching the two rush towards their demise. Yeah, guess it's time to find new friendly looking guys. Somehow the two had made it through guards, hounds, and lights. Avery wasn't even going to question how they'd slipped through everyone's sights. But alas, they were in.

And to David, that's all that mattered. He would finally heal his heart. That which Santa had so many times... Shattered. They finally did reach it. The Great Mary Hall. that which Santa had so many times... shattered. They finally did reach it, the Great Mary Hall, and at the very end of it, a big red sofa stood tall. Santa!

David called, finally revealing himself to the guards, who simply looked at his slim physique and continued their tasks with disregards. I know you're in there. I'm here for my gifts. And without waiting for an answer, David walked up straight. Oh, poor David. I'm afraid this journey was in vain, for you see you're already far too late. The sofa spun around, revealing a face not expected. They both came here for Santa, and they were both quickly corrected. A tall armored figure sat upon the throne. Mandy? Both Avery and David's mind had been blown. Yes, it is I,

Lord Randall of the Gr- And I'm gonna stop that now it's already getting stale. Okay, Mandy, what the fuck is going on? Of where Sen is, I need detail. But David got an answer he did not like in the slightest. Ah, David's so answer he did not like in the slightest. Ah, David, so kind and dedicated, yet never the brightest.

Wow, that was kinda mean, Mandy. Yeah, dude, like, that was a bit out of place. I'm just trying to be evil here, just let me enjoy this. Okay, fine, but like, don't be so rude, dude. And after that awful rhyme, the conflict did return again, for there was a lot of explaining to be made long ago on the christmas of 2017 with santa i made a trade wait what did you trade with santa david blinked in confusion some quartz crystals and a yugioh instant fusion in exchange for what exactly

avery wasn't even sure if he wanted a reply. His workshop and a title. And he could tell that was no lie. That's a sick trade. David couldn't help but admire. I know right, it was about time for that old man to retire. David sighed in relief. It seemed like things would actually be easier. Though he did have to admit, it did make this whole journey a bit cheesier.

So does this mean I'll finally get all the gifts I never got? Oh hell no, dude. Your wishes have been left to rot. David's heart shattered for one last time. Even his own friend rejected him and for that he didn't even have a rhyme. Okay, so first of all, fuck you.

And also this does mean I have to beat you up. Bring it. You're about as strong as a paper cup i am not so are well you're a nerd and you're an even bigger nerd can we please get this over with avery groaned in frustration his patience running slow getting tired of this situation fine mandy smiled as he clapped his armored hands if you beat my elf army, I will hear all your demands. Oh please, how many of those tiny things could there even be? And then David's question was immediately answered as the room filled with a pissed off elf sea.

Hey we gonna make your head look like a Christmas light, Catboy. Wow, elves are kinda rude huh? David giggled all nervously. There was no way in hell this fight could be won by he. When up on the rooftop there arose such a clatter, Mandy looked up to see what was the matter. Bazinga! A crazed laughter echoed throughout the halls as a hunky, flashy figure a bunch of elves sent flying to the walls. Yo.

Ed saluted the elves confused by the strange sight. Why were this weird-ass duck man's muscles so damn bright? Oh Ed my savior. David sighed full of relief. Whether he actually did say that, well that was mostly a drunk Ed's belief. Where the fuck have you been? Avery couldn't even blink. Eh you know around just getting a drink.

Okay cool stuff. Yeah, sure, whatever. Now go get him, elves! The little helpers cried out bravely and lunged forward by the 12s. Yet not a minute passed until they were all nearly dead as Ed struck pose after pose as light gleamed from toes to head.

Soon no elf could stand on their feet and Mandy simply shrugged his shoulders and accepted defeat. Well, that was kind of lame. He had to admit. But you did beat my army and a deal is a deal. No elf could stand on their feet, and Mandy simply shrugged his shoulders and accepted defeat. Well that was kinda lame. He had to admit. But you did beat my army, and a deal is a deal. Woohoo!

David shouted, glad he hadn't eaten his last meal. But because my budget's short and the elves only really run on Capri Sun, I can only give you a single gift, and no more than one. David was a little let down, lies he could not tell. But one was better than nothing, so he might as well. They all got a little closer, expecting the grand reply, the gift that would give this journey a nice goodbye.

For this Christmas... David mused in thought. All the things he wanted, well, they were quite a lot. He could ask for enough food to never have to worry about his lunch, or a brand new workstation. That would help him a whole bunch. No, it was all nice. That much he knew.

But there was only one thing. The biggest gift he could pursue. Santa Lore, for this Christmas, I ask you from the bottom of my heart, that super extra keyboard thingy from the Game Awards, the anthem performance, that one? Yeah, right at the start. The room went silent, Avery's eyes the size of platters. But, at the end of the day, if that made David's Christmas, isn't that all that matters?

A large square gift box from the sky slowly came down. A chorus of voices could be heard all around. And with an excited squeal, the catboy opened his present. And there it was, the sight of the extra flashy keyboard thing was just, oh, so pleasant. And so it finally ended, David's long and quite pointless journey, and considering they'd broken into Manny's new place, now they even had to find an attorney.

But to them it mattered little, for all that really mattered were all those elven heads Ed had shattered. And their friendship or whatever, I dunno. Merry Christmas to all, whether it be from YouTube or the server, and may Santalore give you the best gifts-er-ver. Because that's clearly the true meaning of Christmas, obviously. The end.

Uncle Brendan, why'd you name the asshole character after me? I don't know! I don't write this stuff! I just find it outside! Why am I just a plot device, Uncle Brendan? I don't know! I don't know! Your mom just put me here! She said, read to the kids! I said, alright, do it! I have to do it again this year! I just want to go get drunk with my wife! You look like daddy smells. I'm gonna break you in half.