Please Stop Talking - It's My Birthday (feat. Noodle) | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: February 7, 2021

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welcome to the podcast welcome to the podcast how is it possible that every single time we do an intro, we just ran out of ideas for the music part and we just fucking go? Just go, Moe. How many episodes are we in? And you're surprised that we are running thin on ideas the further we get in? We, says the guest. Uh-huh. Is he going down a slide?

Listen, it's a communal experience the get the listeners are along with us 59 we're on 60 this is episode 60 congratulations everybody we can get our nine more episodes until nice we can oh shit you're right we can get the uh golden age card the one that lets us go to the movie theater and shit our diapers while watching avatar for free avatar 2 hey by the time avatar 2 comes out we're all gonna be ancient so oh we are anybody else scared to be old nope i look forward to it why are you telling me you're scared to being able to shit in a diaper while staring someone in the eyes and then they have to clean it up you're scared of that?

I mean, I don't know. I'm not really down to shit my pants in front of people, if I'm honest. Maybe that's your thing, Mr. Julian. You're telling me that you are not looking forward to having the ability to gaslight literally anybody by just being like, what? And then you just don't have to. You could just end the conversation there i'm really looking forward to um like playing it ain't me or sorry fortunate son while i have like memories like one second i'm remembering just there now

and it's just me like checking somebody out at best buy i ain't no fortunate son the only thing i'm excited for with being growing old is just using my my my golden age card to do things for free so what i said no you said so you said you wanted to gaslight people which is fucked up and crazy i'm just saying it right now. Being old is like the best free pass for being an asshole. Is it though? I punch an old person. People just look at you and you're like, he's old, whatever. You're going to be like that.

As you put on your MAGA hat. And then as the pain starts to set in, you're going to be like, fuck, younger me was dumb. Yeah, I already have that feeling. I'd rather be a funny, funny 20s in my 20s than anything else. This is a good time to be alive. This is a great time to be alive. It just, you know. Just can't go outside.

Just can't go outside. I want to be a grumpy old man. My elderly dream is to just sit at a diddy's reading newspapers and drinking black coffee but naked right yo but naked in my diaper in my diaper uh who's that guy over there well they call him the boss baby why he keeps trading stocks while naked he's he's trading game stop stocks he just he just came in here and he started shouting synergy synergy synergy we couldn't do fucking anything about it every time i hear denny's he just writes every every time i hear denny's at this point my mind immediately goes to probably the saddest crushed dreams story i've ever been told which

was a co-worker of mine who went to school to be a culinary chef no and he and like i worked at like a fucking call center and he was like middle like middle level performance there and he was like yeah for thanksgiving i'm gonna go to denny's oh my god i feel so bad i laughed that's so sad yeah okay you're gonna say you're gonna laugh at me um i've gone to golden corral for thanksgiving twice in my life in my 20s fuck yeah bro hell yeah dude they have some bomb fried chicken. The first time I went was because my grandma was fighting with my mom and I wanted to go to Thanksgiving with my grandma. So we went and picked her up. We went to the Golden Corral in Omaha and that was Thanksgiving.

And then the next year, my grandma had made up with my mom. And this is when, let's see, I think I was like 24. So for context, my brother would be 21 at the time. And we went to Golden corral and i had to work black friday so it was like kind of not early in the morning but like daytime like lunch time and my brother wouldn't get out of the car he just said fuck you i'm gonna sleep in the car i'm so mad that i had to wake up at 1 p.m to go hang out with his family my brother i love my brother to death i do he is he is he is one of my favorite people he's he's the the fucking beautiful i love my brother but

waking him up is an absolute fucking nightmare i'm gonna be honest he's me he i'm the same way this is literally me yeah bro this is literally me don't talk to me before i have my i've had my golden corral fried chicken wing in my mouth in the morning he just he just he just fights he like absolutely like just wants to like like like throw hands immediately right when trying to wake him up, even as an adult, this Christmas, I literally had to say, no, you're sleeping with me and Shelby at my mom's so that we don't have to go and wake you up later.

Like we don't have to go to Nana's and wake you up at my grandma's house. You're staying here. You're not going anywhere. You're staying here. I refuse to have to go into that place and have to wake you up speaking of uh speaking of grandmas and the elderly speaking of the elderly huh yeah here's the story i just perked up because i'm older what here's a story that i have oh tell me the story david so when i Cue the dramatic music. Oh, cue the flashback

music. It ain't me! When I was working in secondary school, which is like, it's kind of like middle school, I guess, for the US. Listen, I was a little, I was a little, I was a little fry cook. I was a little McDonald's fry cook. I was on fry cook i was a little mcdonald's fry cook i was on the line and for for a short time while i was working there i was one of the people that was um mentoring the new people the ones that came by the like the the kids that would like have their first day second day whatever i would you were in the mcdonald's advanced class yeah i was i was the teacher i was teaching you were you were in the mcdonald's ap class that's that's dr mcdonald to you that's professor donald to you and while i was working there there was i was i was like teaching this kid how to do like a bunch of shit like how to make salads in

the morning because in every mcdonald's set and like salad that you had to make in the morning you had to cut the fucking tomatoes cut the fucking cucumbers and all that and while i was explaining to him how to how to do everything i showed him like okay so this is how you cut a cucumber you know and eventually i need to turn around to make some orders because we hadn't it was like during the morning and eventually like i'm just doing this order and he turns around really fucking fast and he says mr mr dr mcdonald's doctor and he just fucking stabs me with a knife what my god he had he he had he was like he had a knife in his hand and when he turned around he turned around super fast and did like a motion

and he just fucking stabbed my hand i'm not a cucumber go on i just started fucking yeah i i've never been this pissed at anybody in my fucking life. I just looked at him. I was like, what the fuck were you thinking? What the fuck is happening? I was so fucking mad and I bled all over a fucking McDonald's sandwich. I was so upset. I still sent it. Oh, my God. That's not true.

That's not true. Yeah, I was really pissed. I've worked enough fast food to know that was really very possible yeah well i i was really pissed and they sent me back home because i was bleeding too much they just gave me like shitty fucking first aid kit stuff and sent me home and i never saw the guy again i think that guy lost his job because he stabbed me honestly based i legit still have the mark too of where he stabbed me i have a fucking corbin mark that's right we're blood we're we're stabbed brothers where is yours on my hand like where on the hand it's like at a bottom palm

wait you can probably oh like you have a jesus mark yeah i have a jesus mark jesus is in my hands i have jesus hands look at this shit you got one of those uh stigmatisms fuck oh fuck oh there was one time when i worked at taco bell it was like a really late shift all the weird people are usually like during the late shifts but i was like working the cash register and some dudes who are clearly hot boxing drive up and they're like yo dude fucking it was this one guy the first

time he comes in and he's like yo can you get can you give me change for like a couple 20s but like make it all ones and I'm like why and he's like because i'm going on a date later and i i want it to seem like i've got like a lot of money in my wallet you know wow what a fucking loser and i was like sure did i did it for him you actually did it i would have been like no fuck off well i was new i was

in training so it's like i didn't know how to say no to people yet so i was just like you learned to say you learned to say no to people so fucking fast when you work service jobs and shit like that but like this was like within the first month so um i was still like afraid of the customer instead of tired of the customer but yeah the same dude comes by um like an hour later with another dude who he had been hotboxing with clearly and they drive up and maybe that was his date it may be but um they just drive by and they like hand me the food that we served them from an hour ago and they're just like and it's like they hand me the box and i open it up and it's like half eaten and they're like you didn't do it right and i'm like okay do. Do you want us to? Yeah, then we made it for them again, and they went away, and we didn't see them again.

That's the story. Thanks for listening. Thanks for sharing. Double food. To be fair, I used to do the same shit when I was high, so I get that. Do we drive high, David? Actually, no, I don't drive high. Okay, good.

Whenever someone messes up my order, I just go, oh, well, this is what I'm eating now. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, exactly, right? Like, I'm not like that. I'm a fucking bitch. God, you're such a fucking straight mom. Yeah, I'm a super straight mom. You mess up my order, I mess up your 10 minutes with me while I reorder I already didn't care

but like after working fast food I care like so little it's just like these guys don't give a shit I care actually more cause I was I'd never fucked up orders and I would redo orders all the time and they like I didn't

it's not hard to not fuck up an order but you still do it you little weenie it depends on where you're working me off i was working at mcdonald's i don't know i worked at taco bell and uh the time the time limit that we had to work through the drive-thru was like so tight it's really tight yeah it forced you like sometimes you would just forget stuff of the orders because you just had to get it out the door. Maybe that's because your brain doesn't function at 110%

like that one movie, Transcendence, or whatever the fuck it's called with the pill. Yeah, Julian, I got cinnamon twists in my order. I want to ask for chips and cheese to substitute it. Can you fucking fix this? Make it right? I'm so sorry, sir. I'll get right on that. Just if you could pull up to the front for me,

we'll have a ride. Yeah, I'm riding. I'm riding a quad. I'm riding an ATV. So just throw it at me. We'll go by. Does it have brakes?

Wow. I'm riding an ATM. Just you are from fucking, you are from fucking Iowa. Jesus. Are there a lot of Iowans going around in ATVs and quad bikes on and off? It depends on where you are because if you're in like one of the smaller country towns you're gonna see people like driving

halfway on the sidewalk in like a golf cart it's like whatever that's how it is i lived in um denison for a while and i just i gotta say that um denison is famous for methamphetamine and being the birthplace of actress Donna Reed. And I'm just trying to get like to the point where they make like a big giant sign of me and have a yearly parade for me. Because I think I have more subs on YouTube than Donna Reed. Fuck. It's a wonderful life. Yeah.

Fuck Donna Reed. She's dead. Okay. I don't give a shit. Ain't a wonderful life. You're in the ground. A wonderful afterlife yeah a wonderful afterlife it's like it's like she played a background actor in so-and-so movie

what an amazing career fuck off donna reed i don't give a shit so i'm really upset brendan you need to calm down a bit okay having to go to the Donna Reed Parade every year in town because it was the only thing. They had a parade for her every year. Imagine if the town where Ashton Kutcher was born in, in Iowa, by the way, had a parade for him every year. They have a Donna Reed Parade for Donna Reed every year. And she was like the wife in It's a Wonderful Life. God damn it, they should have a fucking Brendan brendaniel parade meet a mountain dew parade my ego my ego is collapsing why doesn't pewdiepie's hometown have a pewdiepie parade it takes place

on the bridge every year yes god damn it gotta be quicker than that david i'm fucking i'm on i'm on fucking nothing i'm on no brain mode right now i I have like zero IQ. I woke up early. I fucking, last night I was like, I wanted to go to bed and I got these new like CBD slash melatonin sleep pill things. And it says to take two. And I was like, I'll take four instead. Cause I really want to sleep tonight. Wow.

You're a moron. I just like, I've been feeling woozy all day, but let me tell you when I fuck it, when my head touched the fucking pillow, it was like that scene in get out where the guy just sinks into his seat. Except I've was sinking into, uh, uh, I was sinking into sleep instead of sleep. Yeah. CBD stands for come to bed, David. Yeah, exactly. And I did. I fucking came on bed. I came to bed. Oh, fuck. Did I say that?

Had a real podcast. Fuck the bed moment, huh? Yeah. I stayed up until three last night just watching TikToks that were just titled TikToks to cure your mental health. Or TikToks that radiate vine energy. And I was just like, it's 3 a.m. and I want to die. I health. Or TikToks that radiate Vine energy. And I was just like, it's 3 a.m. and I want to die. I went on to TikTok

and I kept accidentally running into racist TikToks. It just kept recommending me racist TikToks. Do you want to see blackface? No! What the fuck? No, I don't!

What the fuck? I was like, whoa! Jesus fucking Christ. Do you think one of the best recommendation systems of any platform i've never what are you watching brendan uh i just was going through recommended i don't follow any channels on tiktok all i do is you're in iowa oh yeah oh my god you're right we noticed that you're in Iowa. We noticed you're in Iowa. Do you want to see Boy Gets Eaten by Corn Mace 4? What? Is that a horror movie?

We noticed that you are a good old boy. Would you like to see Top Tractors? Fucking absolutely not. All right. I can tell a story, or if Corbin has a story. I have a story, but I would like for you to go first okay all right we'll tell my story i'm curious about your funny story the night before my 13th birthday is what this story is titled uh just to make it like give you give me some ambiance can you make

it can you make it rhyme so that it's like a christmas tale i can try my best um thank you please tell me you poop in a sock no i don. I don't poop in a sock in this story. God, please. No longer interested. Please tell me you shit. One night, it was during the day, June 28th. My birthday is June 29th. For anybody who wants to mark that in their calendar, just please.

June 28th, my uncle is driving this disgustingly shitty little car and the motel my grandparents lived at at the time, they needed something from Omaha. So Omaha to Denison was an hour and a half drive. And like, I'm going to be honest, this car, it sticks so, so, so heavily the image of this car in my mind because it's rusty. It's like powder blue and all four of the tires you can see the tubing on each one and so my uncle's like oh do you want to come with me i'm like sure yeah i'll come with you i get to go to omaha like that sounds awesome big city we're gonna stop at gamers which is a local game place in omaha that's gonna be fucking sick yeah gamers gamers we had

those in texas for a bit fucking absolutely i was like fuck yeah let's go to gamers so we get in the car make it to omaha without a hitch no problem i go to gamers i don't buy anything but i look and gamers like just a quick note about gamers gamers always had like eight to ten people staffed and they would never be doing anything they'd never ask you a question they'd just be behind the counter like hanging out and i was like god that's so cool i want to work at a video game store when I'm older. We're driving back and both back tires go out at the same time. We are 60 miles outside of town. 12 year old and 364

year old day, Brendan and his 35 year old uncle. Okay, we're trapped. My uncle didn't have a 64 year old day Brendan and his 35 year old uncle. Okay. Uh, we're trapped. My uncle didn't have a cell phone. So what do we do? Literally we walk probably for around an hour and a half to two hours of walking to get to the next town.

So my uncle can go into a gas station and call his friend who comes and picks us up. Not like an hour later, like an hour drive that it would be. It takes him four hours to get there. So it's like, Oh my God. It's like 10 at night and we are both. I'm cold.

I'm a child and we're at this like kiddie gym, right? We're like in a park and we're just waiting for this dude to pick us up. Dude picks us up. He's disgusting. His name is Dudley. And I hated him. I hated him so much. He was one of my grandpa's friends. He owned like the softball field in that town. And I hated he smelled so disgusting. He was like 400 pounds, had like 15 chins. Literally, if you if you looked up obese American in the dictionary dictionary it would be him

like forehead fat like that shelf of forehead fat I'm just painting a pretty picture here head fat yeah yeah like a shelf of fat on his forehead like a droopy fat shelf of forehead fat okay

it's like it's like 1159 when we'd roll into town because it takes him fucking forever we have to stop at like five fucking places on the way we get back to the motel my grandparents are living at and my grandparents are staying in number 14. so we go inside and um i should mention i was living with my dad at the time, but I stayed like summers. I lived with my grandparents to like avoid my dad because I went inside the corridor and 1159 12 o'clock rolls around and the door to 13 opens. And my dad comes out with like two meth pipes of the of the of the people who live in the next motel room. He's like, hey hey to the people inside and i look at my dad and i'm sitting there like dad he's like oh hey brendan and then he goes

back inside that room oh my god and so i walk into my grandparents room and i'm 13 years old and i sit down and i just play on my GameCube and cry. Oh my fuck. Because my dad doesn't mention, oh hey, it's your birthday. And I didn't get me anything for my birthday that year. He just like, oh hey. And I was living with him. Living with him when it wasn't the summer. So like when I got back to the farm,

it was just like, fucking no. So that was my 13th birthday and it uh it was uh was that funny i don't know if it was funny i thought i think that was just sad and i i just i'm not very sad for 13 year old you i'm not i'm not laughing i'm just just having a having a moment. I'm really sorry. No, it's fine.

I don't give a shit. It was funny as fuck. How is it funny as fuck? That was not funny at all. That was not funny. I didn't say I had a funny story to tell. I said I had a story to tell. I was just like reminiscing earlier today before recording.

I'm like, do I have anything to talk about in the podcast? I'm like, I had like a brain blast like Jimmyimmy neutron i was like oh no thanks for listening everyone what the fuck thanks for listening to the pst podcast i was having fun we were talking about come earlier and now we're talking about sadness i don't 90 of my stories are sad david i'm sorry usually usually brendan we can like laugh along and be like haha that's fucked this time i'm just like oh that's fucked yeah that was just like my dad does meth and forgets about me story i don't know about that one that's literally the story that's like 90 of my stories but they're funny when you say the other way like when you wear a clown nose

Brendan I don't want to hear about your terrible sad trauma unless you can make me laugh while doing it Corbin your story please please get us out this is a story about the time I got unzoned by a 5 year old oh fuck yeah let's go

let's go I was working at a church at the time and uh it was like a like a summer camp and i would get there at around 12 and so the kids would always be getting from like off of their lunch and they'd go to their playground for like outside activity time and i'm pooling up and it was uh the day after leg day so i guess i'm kind of being a little dramatic little baby boy and like walking funny basically limping out of my car because i was like sore and my legs were tired how how would you be that sore does nobody do stretching anymore after you finish do you never stretch when you finish working out

no why because i was in high school and i didn't understand anything and my workout routine was like just lift as much weight as possible and then suffer through the pain that follows okay gotcha and so like i'm walking funny just because my legs are tired and hurting and i was like meeting up with the kids like where i do every day like while they're walking and so i'm behind all of them and this one kid stops and turns around and just scares stares at me and goes like why are you walking funny and for some reason this deeply insulted me and i was like i need to teach this kid a lesson. Like, he shouldn't be calling people out just

because of difference. And if my legs weren't hurting, I would have punted him right then and there. What the fuck? But, like, the only thing I can think of that's, like, with what to say, I was just like, oh, I got shot.

What? What? Why? why is that where your brain goes because i wanted to make him feel bad that he had called me out for being different i was trying to teach him you could have so easily just said i have a walking disability yeah but he knew he knew that he would see through that also i didn't want to think I was disabled. I wanted him to think I was cool. So I told him I got shot. So disabled people aren't cool. No, that's not true.

No, shot people are cool. Yeah, people who get shot are cool. Or dead. And I was like, I was helping out these kids. They're about your age. And there was a drive-by. And I jumped in front of the the kid and I took a bullet and it shot me in the leg. What the fuck kind of lie is that? I don't know.

I wanted to think I was a badass. And he just goes, OK, and then runs away. And I was like, I'm a fucking great counselor. Taught that kid a lesson. Oh, man. You sound like when I... Never mind. No, go on. Basically, I pretty much

forget about that entire interaction and the day completes and it was a Friday and so the whole next week I was off because I was going on a family vacation and so... Oh no. I come back a week after being gone and I show up a little bit early because I was excited to see every like all the kids again. I was like, I kind of, you know, miss my job. It'll be fun to see them all again.

So I was excited. So I get a little bit early and I walk into the to the cafeteria and all the kids just start like screaming freaking out and they're like corman oh my god and they just like swarmed me and start like hugging me and i'm like i am the best fucking counselor ever this kid's missing so much and this one little kid looks up at me and goes, we thought you died. And I was like, okay, like, relatable. I struggle with object permanence too. Yeah. Object permanence is difficult and I struggle with it too. And then this one girl goes, you got shot and you died.

And I was like, what? I was like, who told you that? And they're like, John. And John's like the one kid just sitting at the table alone, just eating his fucking, what are they called? Peas? Dunkaroos. Green peas? Dunkaroos.

That one shitter doesn't even acknowledge that you're here. No, he's just sitting there alone at the table eating his peas. And I was like, why is this kid telling everyone i got shot and died and so i walk up to him and i'm like hey man any reason you're telling everyone i died and he goes you told me i got shot you got shot and i was like oh oh okay i was like hey i was like i was just trying to teach you a lesson that you shouldn't like make people feel bad or call them out just because they're different. Oh, and he goes, I know that. I was just trying to teach you the lesson that you shouldn't lie to me. Oh, my God.

I was back at his place and continued to do this fucking piece. You got fucking annihilated. I was so torn in half because I was like, on one hand, I was like, oh, well, I'm going nowhere in life because I was just outsmarted by a five year old. On the other hand, I was like, this kid's a fucking genius. He fucking bodied the shit out of you. And he never, ever fucking flinched. Everything he said to me was just immediate. Like, OK, okay yeah you're dead

i was i just stood there for like 30 seconds this fucking kid is cool as ice oh my god he's horrifying so much cooler than i was and i'm like after this it all happened i was like nervous because i was like am I going to get fired for lying to a kid because he 100% knows I lied oh I thought you were going to be like I was nervous around the kid I wanted to impress him oh no no no that was straight up

the only time I ever saw that kid oh because most of the kids most of the kids would stay for the entire summer but there was people who just went like for like a week or not yeah the only two times i ever talked to that kid was him just absolutely tearing me to shreds he was there you know and he's nuts and like fucking in 20 years you're gonna be you're

gonna be at a fucking inauguration parade for the new president. And he's going to, he's going to point at you and he's going to say, remember me, Corbin, you lied to me. And it's, you're going to say, I'm sorry, Mr.

President. No, my biggest fear, my biggest fear is that like when the inevitability happens where I have to go to court to court that I did. Yeah. I don't know. If he's going to be

the accusing lawyer, even if I didn't do it, I'd be like, yeah, I'm taking the plea deal. That's a legitimate view that I have. That kid is going to be a lawyer and he's going to, he can put anybody to jail. He was fucking like five or six

and just own zoned a 17 year old kid i don't where is he now where is he now somebody find i don't know i have i have not seen him since probably cracking dogecoin over over at his he's on the stock exchange yeah he, he's manipulating GMB right now. He's now Texas Senator Ted Cruz. Good job. Dude, good job, Texas Senator. Be careful what you like on Twitter, though. Because, Jesus, you're kind of a kinky fuck. I'm always fucking horrified of accidentally liking porn on my main account.

Coward. Just like, Julian, if I go on your likes right right now am i going to see like big titty porn you'll find some questionable stuff if you look far enough really yeah i mean good art is questionably safe no no no no no no no no no not like not like not like like i'm talking smut like i'm talking smut i'm not talking fucking art smut coward he's talking real porn not cartoon porn thank you very much porn you're fucking henty not your henty go to julian's twitter and all of his likes are from the craft macaroni and cheese page every single one every 10 years down is the craft easy being cheesy does the Kraft macaroni and cheese have like a

Wendy's style twitter where they tell people that they're fucking bitches I don't know what Wendy's does nowadays I just assume that Wendy's is just like we have square burgers and hot takes Wendy's be like we're sarcastic Wendy's Arby's be like

we'll get our it's us anime Arby's Kraft mac and cheese be like it's us, Anime Arby's Kraft Mac and Cheese be like we're gonna be racist on Twitter advance the brand Wendy's dropped a mixtape and it always gets mixed into my Spotify daily mix and some of the most annoying shit ever

how the fuck does that happen what the fuck are you listening wendy says infinite money and a lot of power to commission artists no i mean no i not that i mean how the why the fuck are you getting that in your daily mix what are you listening to corbin yeah my daily mix is fucked the other day i was listening to my rap daily mix and it was just, I was just driving around like trying to clear my mind and then it just starts playing Obama

singing Creeper. Oh man. Don't weigh back in the mine. And I was like, all right, this is what my life is. Clear your mind from this five year old see you didn't skip it that's telling Spotify that you're like ah yeah I'm vibing

more of this please my number three genre on Spotify was show tunes I mean show tunes are nice I mean it's mainly because I listen to a lot of Drake Bell how's his Spanish album the aye aye aye I think you just opened a can of worms yeah for those of you who don't know drake bell fled to

mexico he did he did it's a wild story what did he fled to mexico because of some some allegations yeah there was a lot of allegations yeah i was like i would like you told me about it and then i was like oh this seems like a fun read and then i read about it and i was like oh i'm the mistake yeah it was like we feel bad listening to drake now it was like listening to uh it was like researching the korean war exactly like that same level of gravity researching the korean war was oh this is gonna be fun yeah well i don't know i was like oh those koreans there's this uh what kind of wacky hijinks they get into well it's because i i was watching i watched the there's this movie called the host it's made by the guy who made parasite um bong joon-ho it's like a horror movie and it it there's a lot of allusions to the um

you know the korean war and i was like oh this will be a fun time researching the korean war and i just looked i just you know i started looking up the korean war and it was not that fun wow war this is gonna be fun oh man war wasn't fun this is nothing like what a story what a twist like there were no kill streaks there were no like if you saw that coming in the comments don't comment because you're fucking lying no one could see that coming i could always uh talk about uh my 21st birthday when i got stopped by the cops. Congrats on being older. What's your story about that? Let me create a good segue for this so that we can

streamline this. By the way, Corbin, congrats on getting older. You mentioned earlier you had a story about that. Yeah, I actually do. I just turned 21, which is the legal drinking age in the United States.

David, don't part the cut about the segue. Oh, no, I was not going to cut the part about the segue. Of course, I'm not going to do that. This guy thinks he can come over here on fucking the Please Stop Talking podcast and try to streamline all the

shitty, boring parts out of the podcast. Sorry. How fucking dare you come on the podcast and called it shitty? Yeah, thanks for calling my childhood trauma shitty. Thanks so much. No, not that! Actually, yeah. Fuck you, Brendan.

What the fuck? Corbin and I are going to have to, as Best Buy alumni, we're going to have to get together and beat the shit out of you. Hey, Corbin, how are your BPs, bud? I got 23 this last month. Pick it up, bud. You better pick it up. You tell them about that 10% back.

Sir, I was leaving the store. Now you're going to work three extra hours. We're keeping the store open. Everybody take your masks off. Let's go. I worked at Best Buy for seven months. I got one BP card. You fucking suck, dude. No, it's because I hated promoting it.

What the fuck are you talking about? One of my favorite things is right when I started working there, I did the same thing as Julian, where I was like, I feel icky promoting a Best Buy card. And so I went to the most morally just person I could find there. And I go, because he's Mormon mormon and like doesn't swear and is like the perfect human being and i was like hey man how do you like like morally sell the best buy card he goes you should get used to it wow pretty much yeah pretty much it's

legitimately you're just like uh whatever i want the cool wrestling belt because we had a wrestling belt with like the the brand and payment like card on it in our store so it's like a real replica title belt but it was like with a best by card on the center i requested one of those because i got eight bps in one day and i was like i want holy shit i showed him a picture of it can somebody please explain what the fuck bp is i'm like it's a credit card it's a best Best Buy credit card. Imagine not getting the Best Buy talk. Sorry, David. Some of us work at Best Buy. We would sell.

We would. We would. There were like two main things. Well, actually, no. There were three things in checkout that you had to try to give every customer. You'd have to give them. You'd have to sign them up for the rewards or if they already have it, make sure they use it. You'd have to try to sell them on warranty and you would have to try to give them a best buy credit card

give them a kiss can i can i tell you about my my daily numbers when i was checkout at best buy julian can i fucking tell you let me tell you about my fucking my protection attachment let me tell you about my fucking protection attachment 25 when i work checkout oh my god he's an animal i was at like 10 if that nah 25 literally i was like the top like 500 or 400 employees in the company holy shit yeah yeah see julian i don't think you worked there when we had to sell total tech support i think you just i think you just have a fucking advantage because you have a good voice so people just trust you no it's because i don't think you worked there when we had to sell total tech support. I think you just have a fucking advantage because you have a good voice. Some people just trust you.

No, it's because I don't give a shit about morals. If people want to make terrible fucking financial decisions, that's not on me. I told them about it. I offered it to them. They can do it if they want to. Their finances aren't my fucking problem. Well, I mean, that's why you're just like, hey, you want a protection plan? And they're like, no, you're done.

You don't have to sell it to them. Nah, then I got to be like, are you sure? No, you don't done you don't have to sell it to them nah then i gotta be like are you sure no you don't you don't have to do that i literally put a hammer over their device at this point i was like a gamestop refugee so i was like i'll do anything you want me to do sir please just don't make me sell power up rewards cards wait you don't sell those what yeah you do wait what gamestop power rewards cards well at gamest you don't sell those. What? Yeah, you do. Wait, what? GameStop. Power up rewards cards. Well, at GameStop, yeah, you sell those. What the fuck?

You sell a rewards membership thing? You don't just get it? Well, it's the basic membership and then the pro membership and then the pro elite membership. Yeah, when you buy... See, Best Buy does this so much better. Just the more money you spend buying shit at Best Buy, they just automatically upgrade your account because they value you more because you spend more money there makes way more sense always win oh sir you're an elite pro member bro pull out your dick you got that 15 dollar discount damn you must spend at least three grand here

okay hey i checked your tinder i saw you had a power-ups rewards card maxed out oh i see you have best buy elite plus membership can i fucking suck your dick could could i you know bro you bought four thousand dollars worth of yamaha speakers i'm gonna fucking rip just wreck your shaft let's fucking go it's anyway sorry corbin for interrupting the story thursday let's go i saw that your bby credit card has a five thousand dollar limit oh wouldn't it wouldn't it be amazing if you just spent all of it right now fuck do you want to buy this fucking children's racing car bed on the best buy website because oh my fucking god i saw that you're 21 now corbin let's go yeah what happened there mistakes oh fun so i invited a ton of friends over to to celebrate and um because i was finally able to now go to bar

and order alchema halls oh alchema hall go on so one of the difficult things about turning 21 is beforehand whenever i would go out to like bars i would have to get drunk like before you leave because i couldn't get drinks at the bar wait you could still go you could still go to a bar even though you're not of age to drink? Yeah, you can be in a bar. You just can't spend money. Yeah, you just can't buy alcohol. You can order waters and food if they have it.

Not in Canada. What the fuck? Well, not in Quebec at least. I've never heard of something like that. I've been in bars when I'm like 15. I was in a Hooters when I was 12. Hooters? I just realized I was stupid after I said it.

How was it, Julian? How were those tits? I didn't know that it was a titty bar. I thought it was just a titty bar. It's a titty restaurant. Oh my god, this guy. I didn't realize it was a titty restaurant. I thought it was just a wing place where the women dressed weird you know what's fucked up hooters knows that that's a common thing because we had like they gave us a kid's uh a kid's menu and

like a fill in the blanks thing like well my ex-girlfriend specifically catering to family members hooters is catering to families i don't understand that what the fuck no my ex-girlfriend was like yeah every sunday my family used to go to hooters together why what the fuck what the fuck every sunday day of our lord yes what the fuck their post-church meal was at Hooters. And I was like, that's not normal. That's not a post-church meal. You could go to any wing place for that.

Father, would you like your chicken? How would you like your chicken wings? Your shitty fucking garbage chicken wings. I want them crud. Hooters wings aren't even good. Father. Go to fucking

Wingstop and look at porn later. God damn. Just look at porn inside the Wingstop. Thank you. It's not hard. You seriously watch porn alone? Just go on. Now I'm in Wingstop. So I had ended up getting um basically probably slightly more drunk than i usually am to go to the bars because it was my 21st birthday the thing that i did not calculate in to my drinking process

was now i can get drinks at the bar. So once I got there, and first of all, the place didn't even freaking ID me. I was so excited. I walked up to the bar and I was like, one alcohol, please. And they're like, okay. And they just handed it to me.

And I was like, wait, but it's my birthday. They just straight up didn't ID me. So I went down and I just sat down next to Avery because Avery was there. And I just finished my Jack and Coke. And I was sad. And I was was like i need to order something fun uh like what should i order he goes ask for their like drink special and so he was telling me to ask for like a list of their specials but since it was a shitty college station bar i just went up and i went give me this special and she goes yeah we don't we don't have a special.

And so it was just like one bad thing after another. And so awkward interactions. I ended up getting pretty intoxicated. You know the perfect save for that? You go over, you're like, what's a special? They're like, we don't have a special. So you're like, okay, what would you recommend? That's what I said. Oh, cool. That's what I said. And she made me the grossest thing ever. specials you're like okay what would you recommend is there now it's a conversation oh cool that's

what i said she made me she made me the grossest thing ever ah well you know at least you saved it from being an awkward interaction you pulled it back that's what's important um but basically what ended up happening is we all were very drunk um Avery lost his ID. The rest of my friends. Classic Avery. The rest of my friends are just falling over the ground. Jesus Christ. And Avery's sitting at this little corner booth, and I go to talk to him and hang out.

And so I go to sit on the table that's in front of it. And soon as I sit down there's a metal table and just all the legs fall off what and I just fall on the ground and I'm just laying on the table and I look up and the bouncer's just staring at me just shaking his head and so I'm like drunkenly trying to put the legs back on the table and it is not working because they just snapped clean off. So in a panic, I just go, fuck it. I'm just going to take one of the legs. What? So I take the metal leg of the table and I just shove it down my pants.

What? Did you steal a fucking metal leg from a table i tried to oh my god i love the visual of corbin blackout drunk stumbling over to a fucking table trying to sit down on it the table collapsing him trying to save this by attaching the legs back on and then failing this frantically shoving it down his pants i'm just trying to see why like how this was a good idea it was like oh fuck i can't i can't build i can't rebuild this if i hide the leg then he like, Oh fuck. I can't, I can't build, I can't rebuild this. If I hide the leg,

then he won't know. He won't know what happened. What if I hid it in my pants? He doesn't have object permanence. He's going to look at it. He's going to be like, where'd it go? No,

like those kids that thought you were dead. Unfortunately, unfortunately, I did have object permanence this night because then, so I look over at Avery and I just see my friends just like falling all over the place. And I'm like, we probably, and the bouncer's just shaking his head at me still. And I'm like, we probably need to leave before we get kicked out. And Avery's like, that's a good idea.

And so we walk out and I still have a drink in my hand because my brain was turned off. And I was like, I'm 21. I'm allowed to drink. But you can't open carry outside. And the second I step outside, there's just a cop right there. Oh, my God. There's three cops that walk up to us. No fucking way.

They probably called the cops on you to have your moved prior to that. And he does like the give it to me like hand motion. And so since I had just stolen a metal leg, I assumed he was talking about the metal leg. No way!

What the fuck? No! Instead of handing him my drink, I go yeah one second lift up my shirt reach into my pants pull out a giant metal bar and just hand it to him the look of confusion on his face the smile that i had that i was like, I knew exactly what he was talking about. You're so fucking... Oh, I really wish Avery was here to give his side of this story.

This must have been amazing. Avery, so, no, Avery really didn't see most of this because Avery, there was three cops, and so one of them was talking to Avery. They moved me away from Avery because they knew he was my source of power. Your source of power. They were trying to weaken me and so they're they're interrogating they're separately interrogating avery oh my god why not just have you removed why are they interrogating you are

you drunk sir no well the reason they were the reason they started interrogating us is because in their eyes, I just pulled out a crowbar from my pants. Oh, and showed it to a cop. Oh, I see. And so they're like, yeah, we're going to see everyone's IDs. And Avery just hands him his wallet because Avery lost his ID and goes, if you can find it. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. No, that's an extremely avery thing to do.

And so the cop is just like, why do you have a metal bar? I was like, ah, I found it. Why are you lying? Wow. Lie to the police. You're bonkers, bro. I did find it. He found it from the table.

That was not a lie. And he he goes where'd you get it i just pointed at the bar and he goes you just grabbed a metal bar from them i go it's a bar oh my god oh my god you suck and you're so how how did you not get arrested i have no idea and well i'll tell you why oh no because he goes he's like yeah i need to see your id and i pull my id and i show it to him i go it's my birthday oh my god and so he grabs my id he goes congratulations and then. And then he's like, uh, he's like, I'm still just not like connecting the dots on why on earth you thought it would be a good idea to grab a metal bar. And then when I asked for your drink, you would just assumed I was asking for the metal

bar. And I was like, I thought it would be cool if for my birthday I had something to remember it by, because God knows I'm not going to remember this night. So I took the metal bar. Whoa. And he goes, okay, give me one second, and walks back inside, and as he's walking inside,

I'm just staring at Avery talking to this police, and he goes, I genuinely love you. Avery said that to you? No, to the cop. Wait, Avery said he loved the cop? Avery was either fucking hammered or lying or both. No, he was hammered. He was hammered.

What had happened was the cop found his ID and Avery was freaking out because he couldn't find it. Oh, okay. All right. And the cop had found it. And he was so excited. And I was like, so Avery is a Blue Lives Matter fan. Oh, my God. new lives matter fan oh my god and also while all this happening oh my fucking god about like 30 feet down the sidewalk we have two of our friends who had left the bar previous because

they got kicked out and they're just like oh my god on the ground and uh they basically came back they asked the bar if we were causing any trouble, and they're like, no, they're fine. They were cool. And yeah, I ended up not getting any trouble. They didn't give me the metal bar back, which is unfortunate. Oh, that sucks. Yeah.

What the fuck? What the fuck happened? That's fucking nuts. How were you not arrested for stealing what confidence oh yeah i guess i did steal yes you did steal what do you mean you told them straight up that you got a metal bar from the bar and they didn't do anything that's what they sell they're a bar thank you for the silence after that joke I deserve that Jesus fucking Christ

gonna be barred from entry ooh nice one it honestly just registered that I did steal and told a cop that I stole that's why I'm impressed I think it's because you stole something that was completely meaningless and was already broken what we've learned today it's not

like you it's not like you stole anything of value you know corbin will never learn his lesson oh no i won't but he will keep getting away with it i cannot believe i just can't believe you got away with that that's fucking insane i don't know if it was confidence no it's just no it's that he's corbin it's that he showed him the id and proudly declared that it was his birthday that's really that was the moment whenever it was like okay cops like shit I'm not allowed to arrest people on their fucking birthday. God damn it. Yeah, it's like the purge. You can do it like crime.

Every crime is legal on your birthday. You can murder someone. You heard it here first, folks. Yeah, that's right. I'm saying that. I'm sure my manager slash my lawyer will be very happy with what I just said. Speaking of lawyers, this guy thinks he has a lawyer. Patreon question?

Bropuss Bropuss Bropuss asks if your dick could shoot anything other than cum, what would you shoot? Pencil lead. Oh no! Oh my fucking god! Like full mechanical pencil lead. Like imagine graphite popping out your dick like Oh no Fucking God like for mechanic pencil and

Like imagine graphite popping out your dick like this is just reverse sounding Money Like hold up ladies give me a minute uh i'd let baby powder so that it just goes like i liked your other answer more where is this silly string silly string is fun too like the silly string you would put in your spider-man glove when you were a kid and you could go whoops i want mine to be like a party popper so whenever i come it's just like you know it makes the grunt birthday party skull sound yeah exactly oh hell yes that's fucking great isn't that children clapping yeah yeah it's a celebration

yeah but it would be weird as fuck if it was children yeah i'm not saying that children are there i'm just saying that that's what you hear children yeah but imagine someone's outside the door you walk out you're like oh man that was nice imagine if you're fucking somebody and then you know what would they think they'd be happy that we're celebrating what do you what do you what about this is weird David like they would probably think what the fuck was that no they'd be like wow you know I'm really glad

that I'm really glad that we can all enjoy this moment together oh you me and the children me and the children clapping yeah anyway next question stay tuned You, me, and the children. You, me, and the children clapping? Yeah. Anyway, next question. Stay tuned.

Stay tuned for more Twitter drama very soon. Anyway, a small giggle of childlike wonderment and glee asks... Whoa! What is one decision in your life that you believe, had you done things differently, would have resulted in you going down a drastically different path in life, for better or worse? Well, this one time I got hired at a call center and then I never went. I got hired and I just decided, I was like, actually, I be i'm gonna be a dj and instead i just like i never went to my first day and i just started doing djing at shitty bars hell yeah i tend to stumble into most of my decisions yeah end up happening i mean i guess if i guess if I never made the elves video, Ice Cream Sandwich Andy never would have reached out to me.

And then he never would have gotten me in contact with Jaden Animations. And I never would have done that, meaning I never would have quit my job. So I'd still probably be working teleservices. That sounds fun actually um one choice i think one choice that would legitimately have changed my life is uh if i decided not to be gay oh my god imagine what if you simply kept doing it what if i simply did? What if there was a world where I kept being Popsicle Savior? That could have been great. I just kept up that channel.

A world where you never read the movie. Imagine. A world where I never rated every Minecraft block. You did do that, didn't you? That's not the world I want to live in. I'm happy knowing that if I ever need to know what rank dirt block is, I can just ask. Nine out of ten. Great.

Someone's going to fact check me now. Like, I don't know off the top of my head what I gave dirt block. Oh, fuck. Oh, no. Son of a bitch. I feel like you rated it lower. It was 8.5. I feel like you rated it lower. I feel like you rated it lower because you preferred the grass block

because the dirt one is just like less interesting or something. No, I made an entire video about the Minecraft dirt block itself. What the fuck are you talking about? Well, maybe I'm just projecting. The video is called Minecraft Dirt Block. Yeah. Yeah. Alright, from

Fang Jade. Hey lads, the podcast is taken to the scp foundation a collection of anomalous people causing strange effects to the listening fan base now under foundation control what classification effects caused by said anomalies containment protocols etc are in place bonus points if you have a serious and or joke variant so if you were an scp what would your effect be um i would be putting people i have no idea what any of those words meant i don't know if you were like an object with an anomalous effect or if you had an anomalous effect that caused harm or good things to happen what would be your anomalous effect like let's say you made everybody within five meters of you taste only cheese in their

mouth oh i um i want to be an anomaly that I want to be an anomaly or whatever the fuck it's called that cancels cancel culture. So if you get canceled on Twitter, I'm like and you touch me, I uncancel your cancel. So you're double negative. I'm a double negative. I would be

I would be Euclid and if I was around people, if I touched your wallet, all your credit cards turn into change of heart Yu-Gi-id and if I was around people if I touched your wallet all your credit cards turn into change of heart Yu-Gi-Oh cards I was really expecting you to say best buy credit cards that would have been better

oh fuck that's really fucking good god damn it oh fuck you're just the best employee your turnover rate That's really fucking good. God damn it. Oh, fuck. You're just the best employee. Your turnover rate is insane. A bar of soap that makes you shit your pants. What?

Because it creates an endless loop. It does. Holy shit. That's crazy. I'd want to be a sampler like like a you know a sampler a lot of people do a lot of people think like a food sampler when you say that oh a charcuterie david i want to be no i don't want to be a medley like uh like the sampler that you can decide like take like like audio clips and just play

them whenever you want i don't know how better to explain that um i want to be that but every sound every sound you put in the sampler it just becomes your parents saying i'm disappointed in you most people who have a sampler can just hear that if they go downstairs just sample that wow i should try this at home i'm never going downstairs never again leo campbell asks you're all frozen and wake up in the year 2121 and find that you're all regarded by society as some of the greatest artists of all time. How long until that impression gets ruined and who does it first? Well, I don't know how long, but I know how I would ruin it.

I would just like... I would just like... Well, if you're one of the greatest artists of all time, I suppose I could go on Ellen 2, which is the sequel to Ellen. I feel like... The show show i feel like corbin would hold it the longest because he would just do weird shit and people would be like ah he's eccentric wow what i would do i was thinking the exact opposite i was thinking that immediately they

would find out that it wasn't a bit and it no i think i think you i with the confidence you can get away with fucking stealing a metal tape yeah no everything you do people would just be like oh it's like it's like a commentary on performance it's performance art it's like a commentary on societal norms yeah exactly but anyways i would go on ellen too and i would just red pill everybody on the uh john tron league of legends youtube channel and the starcraft commentary channel that he had don't forget about the battlefield three video where he was playing battlefield three with the numa numa guy oh yeah i i mean i'm just gonna red pill people on obscure john tron lore that's one way to break the illusion. I'm just imagining Corbin like shoving metal into his pants and

everyone looking at this everyone looks at it like wow cool commentary on societal norms. That really says a lot about society. Arrow goes over the head where it's just wouldn't it be fucked up if someone had metal in his pants?

I think if I woke up and i was loved it as some great artist i'd immediately like tell them to freeze me again why i don't want to deal with it because i don't want to deal with that shit but then then you would wake up again and it would be even more they would be like wow it really it's so deep he sees society but we're not fit for him and And they change for you, Brendan. Society changes for you. And then you wake up and everybody- Brendan chose to reject society, return to ice.

Yeah, you return to ice. And then when you wake up, everybody's like wearing pants on their head and shirts on their feet. And yet, Avatar 2 is still not released. That's fucked up. Whenever you choose to freeze yourself, each time people are like, one day, whenever society has reached his standards, he will remain. He will come back.

I'm just going to have them unfreeze me every 10 years afterwards to like eat a piece of pizza and then go back into the tube. Why are you so sure that it's gonna be a tube you're gonna do longer than corbin purely by virtue of freezing yourself over and over thereby outliving corbin that's fucked up what about you julian noodle i don't know i feel like i would just say something stupid by accident and then get canceled on future Twitter. It's not called Twitter anymore. That's a lame answer. Damn. I should think of something better. It's not called Twitter anymore.

It's called Parler. Oh, no. No. Go back in the tube. Go back in the tube. Hey, thanks so much for listening. I really hope you guys liked the episode this week. A huge thank you to all our top patrons, such as... Lindivar, Alex Steer, Ben Krizmanek, Baik, Bupulu, Buckshot Papaya, Cap Z, KC Bro Now, Klayotic, Dead Dreams, Desiree Gothroy, Dreams of Ice, Ducky Madness, Eric Scott Gillies,

Fang Jade, Generic Phoenix, Jeff Smith, Manuel Martinez, Miyako, Notoriety, Pyro Pat, Schizolingvo, Thank you all so much for tuning in to this episode, and we'll see you next time.