Please Stop Talking - Kvantsprång | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: December 24, 2021

What if one day you woke up and you were European? How messed up would that be? Check out our new merch store! ▶ https://pleasestopshopping.com  Support the podcast and Patreon ▶ https://www.patreon.com/SirMeowMusic  Join the PST Discord server! ▶ https://discord.gg/YNqTT65  Links:  David ▶ https://twitter.com/SirMeowMusic Brendan ▶ https://twitter.com/BrendanielH Ed ▶ https://twitter.com/Punkduck_ Shayne ▶ https://twitter.com/SuperFoxcade Podcast ▶ https://twitter.com/PSTPodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Savor the new small and mighty Cortado. Cozy up with the familiar flavors of pistachio. Or shake up your mood with an iced brown sugar oat shaken espresso. Whatever you choose, your espresso will be handcrafted with care at Starbucks. Howdy! Are you still looking for gifts to give to your besties and worsties for the holidays? Well, look no further than our merch store. We just updated it with better quality and lower prices for all the designs and accessories and they all ship internationally. Head on down to Well, look no further than our merch store. We just updated it with better quality and lower prices for all the designs and accessories,

and they all ship internationally. Head on down to PleaseStopShopping.com and check out the new store and buy a mug for everyone on your list, naughty or nice. Three, two, one. And Shane, you do an extra one because you're a guest. Oh, yeah.

So you do listen to the podcast? Yeah. Ed's like his sister. He doesn do listen to the podcast? Yeah. Ed's like his sister. He doesn't listen to any podcast that he's not on. I listen to them. You're thinking of Cameron. Cameron's the one that self-admitted to being like, Oh, I only listen to the episodes

I'm on. Nah, that's me. I only listen to the episodes I'm on. I heard that Cameron, he only listens to the episodes he's on and he jerks off yeah he does well he told me that in confidence welcome to the podcast he only listens to hear it he's been mentioned why he should not have that much confidence when he talks about that shit though that's fucked up that's gross i don't want to hear it cameron makes big comes come to yourself you fucking animal you can. You can hear them go

splish splash while we're recording. Is that the sound of jacking off? The big cums make a splish splash. How fucking wet is your cum? How fucking watery is your cum? You need to eat better fruits. Eat more

fucking mango. I don't eat any fruits. My bones are sand. Thick like milk. That's why you eat mango because it makes mango. Welcome to Please Stop Talking where we won't. Does fruit make your cum thicker? Probably. I don't fucking know.

That's what I think. I think it makes it sweeter. That's what I'd imagine. It definitely does make it sweeter, but I imagine it makes it thick like eggnog i think it'd be thicker it'd be like heavy cream you know what i'm talking about making some heavy creams you can make some alfredo with that welcome to the podcast we have a special i did that bit twice you can say as many times as you want welcome to the podcast it doesn't matter welcome to the podcast. It doesn't matter. That's how you summon the clapping demons. There's all the extra

claps. Thank you. I'll add them to the claps. Can you add sounds of feet stomping on puddles? That's me visiting Cameron's room. You're fucking nasty, dude. You gotta put your galoshes on. me visiting Cameron's room. You're fucking nasty, dude.

You gotta put your galoshes on. You got your waiting boots on. Wait, what are they called again? The pussy boots? No, yes. Waiters? No, remember, it was like, oh, put your wellies on, because you're browning in puss. That's what we used to say in college.

Your wellies. Put your flashlight on your feet. What? Walk around with it. What are you talking about? It's a party design. We have a guest today for the podcast. Would the guests like to

introduce themselves before we go the whole podcast? Talking about big cums. Hi, I'm Shane with a Y, but you might know me as Foxcade. I'm some cracker in Canada who makes YouTube videos.

Whoa! Time out! We gotta hit a time out. This isn't going on Twitch. It's fine. I don't know if you know this. This is an audio-only podcast. People don't know what you know this you can i can call this is an audio only podcast people don't know what you look like so before we continue we have to verify that you're actually

white everybody point at shane and say caucasian no we don't know yet we don't know we don't know the the test is shane what is your favorite muse album oh i'm actually gonna out myself as a fake white person you're going to jail it's okay i'll ask the second question shane is ryan reynolds hot oh of course how many times have you seen the red notice you fucking triscuit head ass uh every every uh 10 views on netflix or oh dude is, dude. Is Rhett noticed that legendary movie where Ed Sheeran says, I'm fucking Ed Sheeran? Yes!

That fucking Ed Sheeran bitch. What a legendary moment in a legendary movie on Netflix right now. I love that WWE had to promote the movie by giving Vince McMahon an egg. What? That was the whole bit.

WWE had on a pay-per-view, Vince McMahon had one of the Fabergé eggs and they kept promoting Red Notice and The Rock's 25th anniversary for his career. And then The Rock never showed up and there was just a storyline about Vince McMahon's egg being stolen. Wait, is The

Rock the egg because he's bald? You sound... That's so fucking unhinged yeah it sounded really unhinged right but like absolutely insane that's that's most stories involving yeah no wwe yeah but this is on screen psycho dude vince mcmahon thinks sneezing is a sign of weakness yes i've heard of that yeah i have yes yes that for those who don't know vince mcmahon is a fucking crackhead psycho for those who don't know he's a wrestling he's the wrestling owner right he owns the wwe he's the he's the ceo of wrestling he is and insanity and egg the CEO of Egg. And one Fabergé Egg made of gold. And the next host of the Please Stop Talking podcast.

You just hear his fucking theme song, No Chance! No, isn't that his son? Oh no, his son is Money Money. Shane McMahon's theme is Here Comes the Money. This is awful because I know everybody else knows a lot about wrestling and I know absolutely nothing. Brendan, I'm very happy I was thinking about it. And I was like, if Brendan's on with me when I'm on, how quickly is it going to devolve into wrestling talk?

Immediately. I told David the second he asked me to be on like a week ago. I was like, I'm going to talk about wrestling and you can't stop me, especially if Ed's here. All you need to know about wrestling is Rey Mysterio killed a man. Rey Mysterio actually got his eye gouged out in a match. It wasn't a real

eye, but they had a match called an eye for an eye match where you're supposed to remove the eye of your opponent. And it was like a fake like plastic toy. Remember the when the woman gave birth to a giant hand? Yeah, well, she gave birth to a normal sized hand and the hand grew up

11 years later to become a 20 year old man in a hand costume. Yeah, sorry, sorry. And he was called the hand. Remember when Vince McMahon sacrificed a goat on stage to revive Chris benoit's wife oh my god ed fucking holy shit so i'm guessing that didn't actually happen no chris benoit is the wrestler who murdered his wife and kid ed is making a benoit joke yeah

remember when cm punk played basketball with paul bearer's ashes see that's funnier i see now you what you do is you cut out the other one these jokes are so fucking niche dude holy fuck remember when triple h dressed up like kane and then had sex with a corpse in a fucking coffin but But that was actually a thing that happened in WWE and not an Ed joke. Remember when Triple H had a battle with Booker T who was black and

the whole time was being racist as fuck and then still beat Booker T? Remember when Booker T said a slur? Remember when he fought God and won? Oh yeah, that one's a fucking classic remember when shane was on the police stop talking

podcast and told a really funny story that was great he should do it again yeah i'll do that thing encore so the original story i pitched to ed that got me uh brought on here is how i had to legally take defensive driving classes to keep my license.

What? Yeah. What is a defensive driving class? Basically, it's just like retaking driver's ed, essentially. Dude, that is not what I thought that was. How are you getting a twisted metal, David? Yeah, I had to take a day's course my head was like oh dude you're doing like

fucking speed racer car foo no no no no no this is like hey you've earned enough demerits on your driver's license that you have to take this course or you're losing your driver's license basically it's saying you fucking suck at driving and you need to be

retaught i'm glad you i'm glad you're telling this after you helped us drive and fucking from fucking chicago all the way to brendan's wedding well i only drove the van out out of chicago dude you drove downtown chicago man yeah that's funny i hated driving in the city and that's when i drove the van the most anyways this is a uh two-part story because uh a lot of the points i earned were just stupid little speeding tickets um because i when i was in high school uh that's the time these stories pretty much are isolated to i was really bad at keeping an eye on what the speed limit was so i was always going a little over without realizing it but uh the first ticket i got it was in winter of my grade 11 year in high school and at the time I had a spare right before lunch period.

So usually that meant I would fuck off for two hours to get high with friends. Classic. Just because it was like there's nothing to do in this town, especially middle of the day on a weekday. We usually just fuck off going somewhere so yeah this uh the the important reason i bring up that it was winter is that uh where i lived it got especially icy and so a thing we did a lot in high school drift uh please say it's drifting yeah we would go drifting everybody we out drifting because it was like fuck it we're just gonna kill time by driving around town and drifting we're canadian it's

winter we got a car let's drift baby yeah so me and a couple friends pile into my car one uh one day and we're just driving around town drifting and eventually we end up in this one small mall's parking lot and we're just fucking doing like basically circles around this mall and important detail is that this wasn't like high schoolers driving like dodge neon or like a honda civic or something i was driving my grandparents 1992 buick century i was riding in a boat isn't that like that one really fucking long ass car uh i can't remember if it was long but it really felt very wide oh jesus i'm looking at it now dude i am i'm imagining drifting in that oh oh it was actually really fun it was really fun because the emergency break wasn't a

hand one. It was one that you kicked. So I'd just be rounding corners and kicking in the e-brake and just drifting around. Dude, that sounds fun as hell. We're doing this for 20 minutes around this fucking little mall.

There were definitely people around. This was pretty unsafe but we're just like going around just doing laps because it's like that's what we do for fun and I actually almost hit a fucking telephone pole oh my god dude because we really hit a bad patch of ice and I was like

I stopped and we were like I want to say like six inches from hitting just like a fucking the cement base of a telephone pole or no, it wasn't a telephone pole. It was like a, like a light, a light fixture.

Yeah. So it's almost that time where we got to start heading back to school. So it's like, okay, a couple more and then we'll, you know, call it a day. Oh boy.

So I, I hit this last, this last drift and it felt really satisfying just something about it like it hit just right and i'm rounding around this corner i'm just fucking initial being around this corner yes and as the other side of the as as i can see around the corner i see a fucking police car sitting there waiting for me caucasian like they knew exactly where i was gonna be and they're just sitting there and i'm like i come to a stop about like i want to say like 10 feet away like fortunately i was able to stop without hitting them but so they're just in there and they'll like second i stop like momentum lights come on i'm caught dead to rights they

they not only knew what i was doing they literally saw me do in front of them so i'm just fucking sitting there and i'm just like i can't reasonably make this worse or can i oh Yes! I want to know! So I started doing donuts. So I'm sitting there. No, I'm sitting there. The car is in park and we're just waiting. The officer, for some reason, is just letting us stew.

And this car had a tape deck, but I had one of those tapes that were fake and had the aux cord that you could plug an iPod in. I know what you did. So, I'm just sitting there waiting, and I see the police officer get out of their car, and they're walking over,

and I look at my friends, and I look at my iPod that's in my hand, and I go, wouldn't it be funny if I played the cops theme? Oh! Oh, no! that's not what i thought i thought you were gonna play fuck the police yeah that's what i thought oh my god that's kind of funny you're still an idiot i love the cops oh yeah no i'm way more funny that's what my friends immediately said they looked at me and they're like are you retarded are you fucking crazy and i went yeah okay i shouldn't but to this day i still think whatever that's still one of them if i ever think if i could go back in time and see what the alternate

history was that's the moment i'd go to because i'd love to see just the cop being like turn that off if that were me i would have looked up fucking cops theme song plugged in the aux hit play and it would have somehow still been the Nazi national anthem. Oh no. All you gotta do is a good thing I had this wav

of 15 minutes of pig squealing. This is great for this occasion. Here's an hour here's an hour farting loop. No no I play the fucking wake up wake up wake up wake up uh what a classic so yeah the cop uh saunters over i roll the window down he's like you know why you're getting this ticket i'm like yeah because you're i think it's specifically called a stunting ticket stunting which is basically a form of it's it's a four it's it's it's a classification under like reckless driving so i think that was like five points on

my license or something like that and um so that was basically the end of that part of it like him finding you like it's a bullet storm move yeah uh so fast forward uh about a year uh it's it's may now uh i'm driving an entire other vehicle because the other one got uh wrecked in an unrelated incident and it was just i i hit a bad patch of ice and in like actual never drive ever again um never drive so i it's may long and where i was i i lived in who's may long uh central may long the like uh the uh long weekend oh okay talk about like a virtual fighter character called may long may long oh my god, no. May long is like, is that only in Canada? I've never heard of this.

I think for Americans, they have Memorial Day. Yeah, but for us, it's Victoria Day. Rest in peace. It's our long weekend. Continue. Yeah, rest in peace.

So where I lived, I lived in northern Saskatchewan up until the end of high school. For any Canadians listening, I lived in northern saskatchewan uh up until the end of high school uh for any canadians for any canadians listening uh i lived in prince albert and that's only important to the story because um it's a fucking shithole but one plus it has is that you drive 20 minutes north and you have just this wide selection of lakes to go to, which is perfect during the summer. So with May long, whenever we

had this weekend, the trend for high schoolers was to go up and get drunk for the weekend. Just pick a lake that someone has a cabin at and just get shot for three days. That's better than the usual trend, which is just to be

really hot. Fuck! Continue. So, the thing is that this was so well known that the police started setting up police checks going into the popular lakes. Come on. Because they knew it was all high schoolers going up the route. Because they knew there was a notorious drifter

on the loose. I was on a board. Notorious speed racer foxcade so the counter response to this was people would figure out ways to sneak their booze in a lot of people did the smart thing and just went up like two weeks ahead of time and just left booze there at like their friend's cabin or their parents cabin what have you me and my friends were not that smart we were not able to do that so we're like okay how do we how do we sneak it in how do we sneak our booze in past this police check that we have to stop at we're like playing around with ideas like oh can we like take the take the spare wheel out of the trunk and put the booze where the emergency

spare tire would be. And it's like, no, that's no, no, that's a bad idea. So we're playing around with all these ideas and we come to, we're going to fill this backpack just full of booze and we're going to stop about like a kilometer away from the police check

because it's going right into the lake we were going to and it's surrounded by trees and we're gonna have uh darren just walk around the police check we're going to literally go around the police check and then me and jack will just drive through. You guys were fucking asking for it. But we didn't get that far. So it doesn't even matter. Remember how I said I got a lot of speeding tickets because I didn't properly pay attention to the speed limits that were posted? We're driving down the highway to the lake we were headed to.

The posted speed limit was 110. I thought it was 120 so i was going 130 oh dude that's criminal yeah that's criminal speed so i'm just i'm just cruising and for some reason my friend didn't like properly articulate to me that i was like going way too fast because he just said something to the degree of, hey, you know this is a highway speed limit, right? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because in my head, I was like, okay, there's kind of like an unwritten rule

that on the highway police will give you like a little bit of a leniency if you're going like over. It's not like, oh, you're like one over the speed limit. We're going to nail you. It's like, yeah, you get like, I think 10 kilometers or something like that. It is 10. Unless you're dealing with a dickhead who's like really strict about it but it's the end of the and it's the fucking end of the month and they're like i'm i'm just fucking

cruising down the uh down the highway in this little uh blue cavalier and And it's me, my friend Jack, and my friend Darren, who's in the backseat with the backpack full of booze. And we're getting closer to the lake and I distinctly remember one detail was

there was this fucking RV that was going like 80 kilometers. And I was just like, oh, fucking move and I just drive right around them and just you do that thing where you like when you pass a slow person and you

just kind of like look in to be like what the fuck are they doing I lived with Avery so yeah there was just this old elderly couple just going up to the lake to have like a nice time and me being like a fucking stupid high school like oh fucking move your ass yeah old man get with the times and you drift fucking re-rend them yeah i drift around you re-rend them so i i'm i'm continuing to go down the road they're like a fucking dot in my um rearview

mirror at this point five minutes later i noticed this car that's like right on my fucking ass and i don't really think anything of it because i'm like oh yeah they're heading up to the lake oh yeah oh no fucking lights come on it's the cops oh dude and i was like oh for fuck's sakes so i pull over uh and police officer walks up roll roll the window down it's like yeah you were uh do you know how fast you're going i was like oh yeah like uh one one one 25 and they're like yeah you know the speed limit's 110 right i was like oh oh i just had an american moment i look at my friend and i was like yeah kilometers i was american i was like i was like wait a minute everybody in this call except for me

is non-american i was like one i was like shane holy shit shane just going at it I'm just speeding down this road Yeah like how could you tell those old people They would have been just A gas They would have been fucking cool So I look at my friend And I was like oh that's what she meant And the cops Oh I noticed you were

Kind of swerving a little bit You been drinking? I was like no no no no I wasn't he was like okay license and registration I handed to him and then he kind of like leans in to kind of like look at my party

the people with me he sees my friend Jack next to me and then he looks in the back and sees my friend Darren and this backpack that is clearly stuffed with something. You can visibly tell it's packed. And he looks at it and he's like,

what you got there? And my friend Darren looks at it, looks back at the cop, I don't know. What a fucking moron. He just looks at it, I don't know. And then he goes, I have to see what's in that bag so i get i get out i get out i i i uh lean my front seat forward because it was a two-door uh car my friend uh darren passes the bag to the cop he grabs he grabs the top and then as soon as Darren lets go of his end, it immediately drags him down because the full weight of this bag finally kicks in. And he kind of gets dragged down for a second, and he goes, whole lot of nothing.

Yeah. Oh, man. oh man and he brings it to the front of the uh the hood plops it down and just starts taking out beer cans this is so sad and he looks at this fucking hood that's basically covered in beer cans

and uh looks at me and he's like yeah so that's one speeding ticket and one uh oh what was it it was like a minor possession of alcohol or something like that and i was like okay and he's like okay so while i'm writing this uh you and your friends uh uh start pouring these out so there's me and my two friends on the road to the... That's important detail.

So there's me and my two friends on the side of the road leading to this lake that everyone's going to as they're just passing by me. I just see multiple friends that I know drive past us as we're just pouring out

all our alcohol on the side of the street. And one of the people that passed by me. Is the fucking old couple. With the RV. Slowly drove past you. And I was like. That must have been so vindicating for them personally.

Just I can think of. In their side. This fucking stupid ass kid. That like was speeding past them and just been like, oh, that fucking irresponsible piece of shit got what he deserved. So yeah, we're pouring out

alcohol. I didn't do this, but while we were pouring out alcohol and the officer was paying attention to writing out the stuff, my friends started just shotgunning beers. They're like, well, it's already going to waste. And I was like, I would have going to waste and i was like i would have joined them but i was like okay well i'm i'm you're already so it'd be very it would be even more irresponsible if i did that so um i think they got like three beers in without getting caught by the officer doing it

so uh yeah that was uh even more demerits on my uh license that eventually led to me having to take defensive driving lessons on how not to be a shitty driver and uh a final little detail is uh when we actually got to the lake i got to the police check and it was like oh do you have uh anything uh like they were gonna like search the car and i just showed them the ticket and i was like i already got caught and they're like oh okay and they just let me through they're like you already got caught but that night

we were wandering around the lake kind of just like as you do teenagers getting drunk at the lake and I actually ran into that same officer oh my god and he was so fucking smokey he's like oh how was your weekend oh it's like you what a fucking rude officer. Oh my god. And he was so fucking smug. He was like, oh, how was your weekend? It's like, you motherfucker.

What a piece of shit. Glad you didn't run into that old people. That's basically the end of the story. Yeah, that would have been really funny. Run to the old people on the beach and they run you over with their RV. That's what you get. Fucking whippersnapper. So yeah, that's the end of that saga

Jesus Christ David I need to rip ass mute this oh god that was so loud dude what the fuck can you add reverb to that dude I'm gonna add fart with reverb I'm gonna make it soloed right here

so that people can use it for their own works. Shane, I'm not going to lie. I'm going to download edfart.wav. Oh my god! You're doing it? Oh my god, he did it again! Oh, it just smells like shit

and I'm leaning in my chair so I'm level with it. Level with the shit? It's in my face. It's like physical. It's blocking my face it's like physical blocking my view um yeah the one that i want to tell is definitely the other one don't read the topic out loud because it's going to be a smoyler i'm not i've been saving blackface what david i deleted that one for a reason. Gosh. Oh, shit. Adam.

Yeah, this is one I've had in the bag for a while. And I think I've told one person. And thankfully, that person isn't here. So you guys all get to hear it firsthand. Oh, shit. World premiere. Shut up. Where's Jeff Keighley to intro this? No, Jeff Keighley wouldn't intro this.

This includes a lot of sexual harassment. No, he definitely wouldn't. Okay, of course it does. No, but it's funny sexual harassment, David. Oh, okay. That makes a whole lot of difference. It's one of those Kujima funny sexual harassments. He didn't harass anybody.

Just his games are weird. But regardless. What the fuck? What is happening? What are you fucking... I'm trying to get to it. I'm doing a lot of preamble. You know how like a sitcom special

will have like the one random cracker that shows up and says jokes for like five minutes and then the main act starts? Main act is starting now. You mean Seinfeld? This is the Seinfeld opening. I'm pretty sure Seinfeld, only Seinfeld did that. No. And then they stopped because apparently it wasn't funny.

I've been to like tons of stand-up. Other series did it. I'm not talking about series, I'm talking about stand-up specials. Oh. I thought you were talking about... No, I literally said stand-up specials you guys listening this is a podcast all you know is shit okay um but yeah so this story is set in the good old town of brussels when i was uh hanging out with some friends and what we've been doing lately uh these guys names are dave and victor. And what we've been doing lately is we go out in the town,

we get some drinks in, we try to talk shit with new people that we meet, try to make new quote-unquote friends, but we all know it's people we're going to see that night and then never again. We usually exchange numbers, but then nothing happens. That's like every fucking party, though. So we go out to this bar area.

We get really drunk, and then everybody else is kind of calling it early except me and my two homies. And then Victor says, oh, I heard this urban legend through the grapevine that there's a party where women might be so we all go on all three of us go on this journey together to try to find this mythical party that's definitely gonna have tons of babes you fucking you fucking live through a harold and kumar oh dude no that's

just that's just straight guy that's just straight guys going to parks. And before we headed out, we stopped at a night shop and we picked up a bottle of orange juice and a bottle of gin. So as we were walking, every cup... Gin and orange juice. Tasted horrible. Every couple minutes, we stopped to take shots. And then at one... Was vodka not an option? No, I fucking hate vodka oh it's like petrol

but anyway we come to this like i guess it's not a fork in the road but it's basically like where four roads kind of intersect but they're all like it's like european roads so you can just walk through them yeah and in the middle it was like a tiny park with a couple benches and a place for dogs to shit in and we've run run into like a group of like dudes like two separate groups of dudes like just hanging and they had no relation to one another it was just two groups of dudes and for some reason me dave and victor instinctively split up and i hung out with one group of dudes introducing us and all both of them hung out with the other group of dudes it's like we um telepathically went three two one break and we each covered different groups of dudes that's

that bro shit though and i was talking bros are, and I was talking to these guys and I was doing like the, the classic, like fucking, Oh, where are you guys from? What are you studying? Slash? What do you do?

I'm from Portugal. My friends from England and the other guys, German, blah, blah, blah. We're looking for babes. And that was like pretty much my whole conversation.

Um, and from what I remember, the guys that i was speaking to i think they were i think they were all palestinian and they all had spoke really good english and we just like they all had american accents we were just like talking a bunch of shit and then i was like hey do you guys want to do shots because we have like really shit shots and they were like dude hell yeah and then we just started doing shots we were all really shit shots and they were like dude hell yeah and then we just started doing shots we were all like shit-faced and then after like 30 minutes we go hey we're kind of freezing our asses off and we're looking for women so we're gonna dip

uh then i join up with dave and victor again the group of homies they were hanging out with they go in the complete opposite direction and then we're back on our journey, right? And then as we keep going, we keep taking shots of gin and orange juice. At some point, we kill the bottle. And then we get to the street where the party is supposed to be. And the guy that we were messaging that told us a party was definitely happening, he just hasn't replied in two hours. Now that we're on the street and freezing our asses off because belgium at night doesn't matter what season it is you're gonna freeze your ass off and we keep texting this guy to no response to the point where dave just starts ringing every door and not even like the the kid thing where like you ring the door and then run he just rings the door and waits

for people and then like we give it the old two minute wait. Nobody shows up. We try the next house. We keep going and going. We literally do the entire street and only one person opened the door and it was like an old woman. We give the guy that we were

texting another 10 minutes and then we go, okay, fuck it. We're not going to be able to get to this party we're probably not even in the right street i say we give up and just head back to dave's because he lives in a fucking mansion with like 10 flatmates and they always have some type of party going on doesn't matter what day it is so me me and vick were like all right sounds good uh on our way back to dave's Vic goes, hey, you know what? I'm fucking tired.

All of this walking killed my legs. I'm just going to head home. So it's just me and Dave heading back to his. We get to his place. There actually was a party going on at his because some friends of his roommates were there. We get way more drunk, and I crash at his. And I usually never crash. I usually try to make it home because I fucking hate waking up and just feeling terrible i don't have my toothbrush i don't have

my fucking colostomy bag it's just there's a lot of admin um so i wake up and my my morning wasn't too eventful right i wake up and i think i wake up in one of his like roommates uh rooms because she was like in berlin or something it doesn't matter and i was just so fucking groggy for a second i thought i got kidnapped like i got really really drunk and then it took me a while to fucking get up and go downstairs and get some water and wait for dave to wake up and then i'm chilling there i'm like making some water and wait for Dave to wake up. And then I'm chilling there. I'm like making some eggs. And then he comes downstairs and he is pale. This man is redheaded. So for me to notice, so for me to see that he's like noticeably pale means that something happened. happened so i go dude what happened and he goes bro i just had the scariest morning i've ever had

and i went what what happened like you know where your place like he felt like he had an out-of-body experience and then he tells me okay so i didn't crash in my room i crashed in somebody else's room and my experience was i wake up and i go to check my phone and you know the guys that we met at that fucking crossroads i'm in a group chat with them i go what did they add you and he goes no they didn't we've never shared facebook and here's the thing ed not only am i somehow in this group chat i've apparently been sending messages to this group chat for weeks what and i go what show me the group chat messages he goes look that's a fucking horrible he shows me the group chat messages not only has he been texting this group chat for ages remember those guys weren't english they weren't even belgian they were swedish dave has been texting these swedish people in fluent swedish for weeks does dave know how to

fucking speak no he is a british man he only speaks one language so i go dude what the fuck is going on and he goes this is the scary part because i figured it out what happened when we were hanging when me and victor were hanging out with those swedish dudes was one of the guys his phone was dead and he asked me for my phone oh to log into his facebook account so he could message his friends and ask him where they were but because i was so out of it when i woke up this morning i thought i quantum leaped into a swedish man's body that's insane dude and he told me that the first thing he did when he saw his phone was yell and then run to the nearest mirror just look at it i'm swedish dude that's fucking that's fucking scary that would be terrifying you woke up and you weren't European? My worst nightmare.

Well, David, your bed would be wet. You wake up and it's like that moment in Bioshock Infinite where Booker looks at his hand and it's just a horrible tattoo. I thought since you're Ed, I thought for a second you were about to bring up the theater and the throwing the rocks. No, it's a baseball at a carnival. Okay. It is a baseball at a carnival okay it is a baseball at a carnival and i know you know that now i'm writing that information down in my dream journal he knew that

he knows that fucking scene from the ever yeah but i didn't know that he knew that i knew that one time ed forced all of us to watch him play through the beginning section of fucking Bioshock Infinite and he was like verbatim saying every single line in the game and but he kept saying this is so based and I was like based on what Ed? The weird thing is when he

was showing us he would just randomly insert n words and that game doesn't have any. He's like oh this isn't nuanced enough. Ed you did that why are you surprised? No I'm saying that game doesn't have any he's like oh this isn't nuanced enough yeah and you did that why are you surprised no i'm saying that game doesn't have any n words i i was trying to make it historically accurate to quote matthew mitosis well that's getting censored now we're just now we're just saying well that's out of the fucking episode forever. Why would that be out of the episode? He said it.

Oh, okay. Well, it's because usually, like, you'll censor stuff when, like, for example, if I say that Boogie's really fat and ugly, or when I say that... Well, the other one is, like... One of those is a true... Can I be on a podcast where we just start beef with a YouTuber? One of those is a felony.

YouTube slander. You know, right before we were recording, I was hanging out with one of my IRL friends and he was telling me like, why don't you guys stream the podcast? And I told him because we'd get sued. Absolutely not. Because Ed would get us yeah i just gotta remind david to censor

that stuff so fat albert fat albert fat albert fat albert black albert black albert black albert black albert i'm not gonna forget don't worry can a kind of twitch channel get sued for libel yeah yeah probably i would assume so any i don't i think shane told his lake story and i think i've already told my drinking at the lake getting pulled over by cop story on the podcast yeah yeah where the guy like yelled at the cop i'm gonna fucking fight you i'm gonna rip your skin off wouldn't that be fucked up be pretty fucked up i uh i only have he became the cop that's how you become a cop shelby did something recently and then she looked at me and said tell this story on the fucking

podcast and i was like okay why um it's not a very good story but i'm gonna tell it anyway um shelby and i were out uh we had just dropped my sister off we were watching her and it was late at night and shelby was uh like having a woman moment so she really wanted ice cream so we went to dairy queen and we were waiting in line forever they took our order we get up to the uh the window and they're like oh sorry our uh internet's broke so we only take cash we don't have cash so we leave and shelby's sitting there in the car holding the steering wheel going mother fucking god fucking god damn motherfucker like she is like like almost ready to bash her head into the steering wheel like like fucking death grips like get get get get got got got like blood warrior in the car eat shit cocksucker yeah

so we get home and shelby has ice cream at home so she grabs it and i go into the kitchen and she looks at me and she says hammer now and i'm fucking terrified because my wife has never looked at me and said hammer now so i go find her a hammer and she gets her ice cream out and she pulls heath little heath bars out of the cabinet these mini little heath bars and she gets her ice cream out and she pulls little heath bars out of the cabinet, these mini little heath bars, and she takes the hammer and she starts smashing them and fucking yelling, just hammer cooking, hammer cooking,

hammer cooking, and she's fucking screaming it unhinged. What is this fucking man's prep head? The most unhinged I've seen my wife. Energy. Then she looks at me and she says Tell the story on the fucking podcast What the fuck

Why Cause she listens to the podcast Hi Shelby Hi why She's not here But why She put the Heath bars The crumbled up Heath bars in a bowl of ice cream

That's it Oh okay I thought she just smashed Heath bars in a bowl of ice cream. That's it. Oh, okay. I thought you just smashed Heath bars and was like, there, fixed. There, I cooked. Oh, I love my wife. I really like the idea of you being married to like, what are they called

in Resident Evil? The guys that chase you around for like the entire game. You're married to a Mr. X like the you know you're in danger when you start hearing in the distance hammer cooking hammer cooking hammer cooking

Brennan's walking down the hall and then Shelby just comes bursting through through a fucking wall hammer the demand of the hammer now thing is like kind of fucking nuts i can't even imagine shelby yelling hammer now shelby is so i she said she's boring but she's so like evil and chaotic she's like i'm just a boring human being i love my wife she's fucking evil

listen our first i think our first week together we were sleeping in the same bed and she dutch oven me brought me up and said yeah i'm gonna marry you and then was that was that her mark eight years later you turned around looked at you said put that on the podcast listen the first time i had sex was in the basement basement of my ex's house with shelby she's just she's fucking evil my wife be be farting i got okay we're done brendan weren't lying his wife be farting i'm vetoing i'm vetoing the farts dude i can't dealing psychic damage i'm vetoing farts don't count we don't have a judge i don't give a shit what the fuck do you mean the veto system doesn't work when Avery's not there

I don't care do I look like somebody who cares I don't care David's a little baby and the moment we start getting a little gassy he's like oh guys stop this is hypocritical because I know for a fact yesterday on Spotify David was

listening to hour-long loops of farting was he kept messaging me and said ed click listen along ed click listen with you yeah we were we were watching football and i thought it could be gassier yeah he was literally complaining he's like oh these farts don't sound as good as they... Yeah, these aren't good farts. It's like, yeah, David? I can't believe you actually quoted me, dude. I legit said that about the fart compilation. I was listening.

I was like, dude, these farts suck. Actually meeting my wife, I don't think I've told the zombie master story before, and that's one that I can kind of end up on. Dude, you want to know something really lame this is gonna take like a second zombie master zombie master was what people called me in fucking uh elementary school because my yugioh deck was only zombie cards

yo in elementary and middle school i got my my homework passes taken away because i wrote a list of people that i wanted to kill. Class. Legend. Fucking epic legend. That's when 8th grade was when I paid Juvenile and Angel in Yu-Gi-Oh cards to be my bodyguards. That's sick. I told that story.

You already told that story. Yeah, I told that story. You're an old man with Alzheimer's. I am. I have dementia. Back in college, we used to play Humans vs. Zombies, or we started a Humans vs. Zombies game, and...

I don't think I've told this one. Yeah, Humans vs. Zombies looks like Nerf Tag, but it's all campus. So there were about 80 to 90... Oh, fuck. I think, honestly, like 100 students participating. So essentially, there was one zombie picked as the initial zombie

and you got a green headband if you're a zombie and you use the headband as an armband if you're a human and it would take place over three days um the first day i helped organize all of it because i was part of the uh the the group um it was like the group was called like the fun arts uh committee for the university or like facu fun because the head person wanted to be like fuck you very smart so i was in the group and i helped organize all this uh and but i was poor i was a poor college kid and an even poorer kid so the only nerf gun i had was a small like one dollar. You have to pump it and shoot the Nerf dart. And the first zombie we picked was somebody who was very, very athletic.

Well, I went to classes that morning and I was walking from the bottom dorms up the hill, up to the top dorms. And in the parking lot was the first zombie and he spots me. And I'm like, am I going to be the second fucking person turned at this event? I'm going to be so mad.

So I start running, but it's icy and I slip and he tags me. And I am pissed beyond belief. I am incredibly mad. This game, by the way, you couldn't actually play it in the university building. You couldn't play it on direct campus. So you couldn't do it during classes. It was only in the dorms and outside of the main building where all the classes were held. Gotcha. So I was pissed and I started formulating a plan. Um, I decided to gather with the first

zombie and me and him, I would have him and me tag people as we got out of our classes and we started converting more and more people and the plan was that night that was that we were going to end the day end the game on day one because i was pissed off uh i didn't tell him that's why but i was really really really angry that i got tagged on day one and had to be a zombie for the next three days so i think we got about 10 people for the first day like for the first like class day up till 3 p.m but then we all started stalking the parking lots and then we went into the nicer dorm rooms and the nicer dorm rooms everywhere is fair game except for the actual dorm rooms yeah and i would

start walking around i i sectioned up squads of zombies to patrol, and they were all into it. They were like, oh, fuck yeah. And I sectioned off patrol times for them to wander the hallways. So they would go back and forth here, back and forth there, back and forth there. And we turned more and more and more and more people. I think near the end of the night, we had turned about half of the players into zombies on the first night. So my wife and her roommates at the time in her dorm were trying to go and get food, but they were playing and they were really scared because I would sit outside their door and bang and go. fucking terrified by the end by the actual like full end of the night it's like 2 a.m i think

we've gotten 75 of the people turned into zombies my wife uh included and we had to restart the game the next day and then i did it again all for not you gotta you had to fucking keep going like if you're a zombie and you got shot you were out for i think an hour but the only people who ended up surviving were a bunch of nerds like sweaty nerds like eight sweaty smash players who just hid in their room the whole day and didn't even go to classes for the game. That's so creepy. Dude, glued to the fucking CRT. That's all they do. They don't shower. They don't go to classes.

They just get escorted to a bathroom by an adult. Those fucking guys talked me into playing League of Legends once and I'm never doing it again. And also they tried to get me to play Guild Wars 2. Hey, I heard that game's pretty good.

I like Guild Wars 2. It's funny. It's, it's funny too. Cause these like seven to eight sweaty nerds, they were super nice, but they had a huge crush on my wife who was, uh,

almost my girlfriend at the time. And she didn't realize that she's like, why are they met? Why don't they talk to you now that we're dating? And I had to explain to her that all these eight sweaty smash nerds had a crush on her because she was girl woman woman guild wars i made you in guild wars speaking of woman playing guild wars let's go to patreon questions i haven't thought about guild wars in like years. Dude, same. Fucking same. The guest chooses the questions

that they want to see. Oh, I get to choose questions? Yeah, you get to choose questions. Okay. Just say their name before. Ratoran? You get to choose to remove anything, concept, individual item, material, etc.

From the world to fuck with whoever upsets you the most. Who upsets you the most and what would you remove? Wait, wait, individual item, material, etc. from the world to fuck with whoever upsets you the most. Who upsets you the most and what would you remove? Wait, wait, wait. Can you remove an object from the world just to troll someone? Yes.

Gotcha. Concept? Concept, item, or material. Basically, anything. What do you remove from the world to fuck with this one person the most? Me to fuck with my friends. I have one that's kind of fucked up,

but it makes me laugh. Ted Cruz, his shins. What the fuck? So he's just walking around like Bobbyby hill's grandpa so so just imagine ted cruz like normal except he's he's fucking cotton hill he would be why ted cruz would be way more tall he just looks like cotton hill that's such a weird specific i don't know why i was thinking about it earlier i was looking i was looking at our chat i was looking at the questions chat i was just like who does piss me off the most

and i fucking hate ted cruz he fucking pisses me off every time i see him i was like what would be like a funny thing to fuck with him uh ben shapiro his hat that's really that's great because only he would know that bro where's my fucking hat i need my hat for the pictures david it's you and only you i really i think okay it's weird because i there's only one person i genuinely fucking hate and it's patalt. Yes! I also hate him. And his dead wife. Oh my head! Remove his second wife. Brendan had lag right there. Oh my god.

My brain was like spinning and I just had to stop and be like Ed, first Chris Benoit, now Patton Oswalt's dead wife and he didn't even kill her you're having a wife time you're mixing the two how do I ruin Patton Oswalt

take a second one remove her headstone oh my god Ed oh my god it's good to be back oh my god it's good to be back oh my god can i add something to pat and oswald's life instead uh can i just add ed i'm just gonna add ed but add ed like quado imagine how funny it would be he pulls up no

he pulls up to like you know what I'm not going to elaborate on this next question no you add Ed but it's like cheat trick from part 4 where he's just on his yeah I'm just whispering weird shit into his ear you know where do you mysterio kill the guy

Jesus Christ Brendan did you answer yeah yeah i said david i'd remove kingdom hearts oh fuck let's find another you walk away um there was one all of your dads must fight each other in a wwe cage match for the title of biggest dad whose dad wins mine is too fucking wasted by the way oh by the big gay thank you the big gay for your daddy question my dad would be way too drunk to even pull anything my dad's not gonna feel anything he's gonna be fucking pumped up on methamphetamines let's go yeah i don't think my dad's i don't think my dad's winning my my dad would not would not only lose, you would also make up an excuse to not go. Leave a note. Who is he, Cameron?

No, he's my dad. I think he's just saying Cameron's daddy. In Borat voice. My dad. Let me see. You guys said at the same time, kids. Coffee Crest asks, Let me see. You guys said at the same time, kids. Oh, haha. CoffeeCrest asks,

if you had to choose a guest from the podcast to protect you from the rest of the guests, who would you pick and why? The ones you don't pick try and kill you. The one you pick will do everything in their power to protect you. Yeah, everybody. 3, 2, 1, boo. Mandy.

What? No. Mandy has a shotgun. Mandy question. Mandy. What? No. Mandy, Trapmaster. Mandy has a shotgun. Mandy has a shotgun. Have you seen that shit bounces off? Oh, yeah, okay. Boo is like four inches taller than me. I'm not

going to do it. What is Boo going to do? Yeah, he's also fucking white as hell. What do you mean? What is Boo going to do? Play Monster Hunter Rise to fight them? He's going to walk slowly towards you.

Listen, height and girth don't make for a good fighter. I want somebody who's scrappy. I'm picking Cameron now. I'm sticking with him. I mean, Cameron would just abandon you. He'd just be like, oh, sorry, I'm tired. I'm not giving Boo the satisfaction.

All you have to do is take him out at the knees. I'm a tall guy. I know how it works. Cameron is going to be able to fucking fully fight. I expect him to pull out some Avatar shit. No, Cameron would be the type of guy. I'm at the petrol station. Can't come right now.

Cameron would show up. Cameron would be like a Macaulay Culkin. He'd have just a bunch of weirdly elaborate traps set up yeah no that listen i'm not asking them to protect me i just need them to buy time for what you know no you know you understand no i don't i'm making my great escape hammy whammy asks did any of you have a moment where you tried doing something dramatic, but it ended up being cringy and humiliating? My entire online life is my answer.

Something dramatic, but it ended up being humiliating. You ever give a monologue at somebody? No. The fuck am I? I'm not a Disney movie. I feel like there is, but I'm not going to talk about that.

Yeah, no. The only thing I can think of is that time I did Blackface. Wait, what? That's how I end the episode. Holy crap, Lois, it's the last episode of the year! Thanks so much for listening! A huge thank you to all our top patrons, such as... Brawlblee Daxter092 DesertGothroy DreamsOfIce DuckyMadness EthanTheCrypted EricScottGillies FangJade

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ManuelMartinez Mellowolf Maya Notoriety Schizolingvo Seawolf812 ShantanuBatia It's pretty crazy that we're still airing considering the things we say, but we are, so we'll see you next year.