Please Stop Talking - Let's Get Sinister | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: January 10, 2021

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and badly thought-out ad reads. If you'd like more information on these buggers, check out patreon.com slash sirmeowmusic. G'day! Welcome to the podcast. Hi. You ever play the game Burn the Rope? Burn the Rope? No.

No, that sounds abusive. No, it's a game. You burn a rope burn the rope no no that sounds abusive no it's a game you burn a rope you kill a monster and then it plays a two and a half minute song yeah flash is dead oh flash is oh yeah now i'm never gonna be able to replay uh uh fucking uh what were the hentai games called again? You're never going to be able to play. Meat and fuck is gone. Meat and fuck will never live again. Meat and fuck is the saddest shit ever, bro. Fuck.

You can download. There's a 500 gigabyte archive on Flashpoint that you can download. Of meat and fuck? No, of flash games. Every single gig is a part of history. There's this one. i was cranking it today and there was one like porn ad i got for like oh what they call it it was like it's tiktok for

people who want to fuck thick dick or something i think it was called thick dick oh then it was just like and the footage they use was of like a. You know those Snapchat filters where it's something that tracks your face? Yeah. She had a pair of nuts on her forehead. And I just went, I don't know how this is selling me on it. Dude, do a duet with your dick in your mouth. Is that like a TikTok duet? Why isn't there a TikTok for sex?

That's what it was. They called it Thick Dick. Thick Dick? That's awful. You could call it Dick Doc. Yeah. Dick Doc. So you can dock dicks together yeah it's all about docking imagine like a role play where like two people are pretending to be star trek characters yeah and they dock their cocks yeah i call my cock the uss enterprise i was gonna go at all i'm glad i'm gonna take it wherever i'll

put it in your mouth. Why do they have to be Star Trek characters? I don't know. Because it's part of the reason. Because it's spaceship's dock. Because it's part of the bit. That's not what docking is. Do you put...

You dock your cock to the other person's dock, dick. Fuck you, Ed. We're docking while docking. I agree. Fuck you, Ed. I don't know why we got so mean. I got mean because you gaslit me earlier, and now I'm just fucking...

I'm really, really... I'm feeling real sinister today. You... Oh, my God. That's your fucking word of the week. Brendan, you're not being gaslit. You're being trolled. The word of the week for Brendan has been sinister.

I think I heard him say, I am sinister for like. No, no. The phrase is I'm feeling sinister, David, because I'm feeling sinister. I have a couple stories. Sinister. I guess. None about me being sinister, but I do want to like.

Sinister. I don't know. People probably have more interesting stories, but I do want to talk about something I thought about the other day, which is the Best Buy Burger King guy uh what is that here we go so again back at best buy i want to say like a year ago right there was this guy who would come in all the time and he'd come in and he'd grab an employee grab a sales employee happen for like an hour and and no fucking shit just walking me like uh do you um i uh I'm thinking about buying this TV and I want to come over here

and buy this TV and dude probably had some kind of condition I'm not 100% sure but like I would try to be as patient with him as possible until I realized and he realized that I told him to fuck off while I worked at GameStop so he's like

would hide from me. What? So then he'd go around like... GameStop? So when I worked at GameStop, he would just constantly try to talk to me about shit. Like, just the weirdest shit. And I just told him to fuck off.

And so he just kept coming in and annoying like all the other employees. And people just kept fucking getting pissed off. And he always had this catchphrase that sticks in my mind. And it's I'll be back Friday. I'll be back Friday. I'm going to I'll be I'll be back Friday. I'll be back.

Did he even buy anything on Friday? Never. Never. And this this story culminates in me like wandering around like two months later, like, where is that guy? I wonder what happened to him and then finding out from my uncle because my uncle worked at the burger king he worked at uh he got hit by a car oh brendan that's not funny he died no he's alive oh well it is kind of funny then i guess i don't know why he just stopped coming into the Best Buy. He just got hit by a car. As a member of the vehicular accident community, I finally feel represented.

Thank you, Brendan. I'm glad I had my non-story to get us started here because I don't know what the fuck else I'm supposed to talk about. I don't have like fucking... That wasn't a non-story. That was a David story. It starts off captivating, and then at the end somebody gets like hurt

or mortally injured. Well, he's not mortally injured. He's just been hit by a car. You get back from it. You got back from it. And then David downplays it at the end, but this time he actually did it for you. Shit, you're right. Why do I always downplay death and injury?

What the fuck is wrong with me? I think the worst one was the mom that got cancer and then we asked you if she was alive and you went, probably. I mean, I've never checked back. I just assumed that she's probably fine. Like, if we're being honest, I've never checked back to see if,

you know, I only assumed that she's fine. I don't have any stories about people being mortally injured, thank God. Speaking of mortal injuries, I have two stories. Oh! Yeah! Mortal injury?

Well, I wouldn't say mortal injury, but there has been some sort of injury involved. Mortal injury is when you get injured at a Mortal Kombat tournament, right? Yeah, exactly. Oh, Brendan. Oh, Brendan. You are hard. Come on the podcast, you silly fuck both of these stories involved a time when i used to work as a security guard in the shitty mall so if you have a choice would you rather prefer the pretzel grease chase or the

peter griffin fender bender incident peter griffin peter griffin paid her Peter Griffin Peter Griffin Remember that time I killed that Twitter artist What What Lois Okay just to like frame it This is one of my first week when I actually Started off because I was an easy hire and I had nowhere

Else to go so like Because I'm like almost seven feet tall So literally On my first day and just to like give a frame of how shitty this place was literally on my first day we ran like not even the first day the first fucking hour we had an incident where someone tried to like run out of a store and like they were shoplifting so i had to spend like the majority of watch over that guy and on the first week of the job i had to learn how to do why didn't you just kick him out no like the thing is like here in the u.s you can't really like do anything physical because like of like lawsuits and like liability and shit so most of you really do just like just just like fucking uh just stare at them to make sure and tell them you did a bad thing and wait for the police to show up

or whatever like a dog that pisses on a carpet yeah okay yeah it was mostly uneventful except for these few times so at this mall it was kind of shitty but it did have a mobile route where you had to like go into the outer perimeter and just like check places in the car so on the first week of my job i had to learn that mobile route and the first in the guy who taught me a bit wait it was a wait in a in a car yeah in a car in a inside of the mall no no okay first there's the mall i was i got so confused no no first there's the mall then there's the parking lot and then there's the outer perimeter around the mall where you have to like drive the car and check the places so on my first week i learned the route for that and the guy who fucking i had to ride along with

was a fucking one-to-one recreation of peter griffin he was shaped like a ball he had the chin he had the round glasses and the haircut. You didn't really have the voice, but he just sounded like a more like pre- Peter Griffin. Yeah. I like to think.

Please tell me it was actually the Peter Griffin in real life guy. Oh. Is that guy still happening? Is he still doing his shtick? Is he still doing his shtick? Yeah, is he still doing his shtick? What does he do? Does he Twitch now?

Is he on Twitch now? I think he's on TikTok. No, he does. He posts his own version of Grind My Gears. That's Grind My Gears. Oh, no. Four months ago. You know what Grinds my gears?

Masks. Oh. Uh-oh. Go on, dude. Hey, Lois. Uh-oh. You know what grinds my gears? Politics.

Real life Peter Griffin streamed Among Us for one hour. Fucking pog. This is worse than the time I was sus. This is worse than the time I was sus. This is worse than the time I was sus. Sus. You can sus. Why the fuck are we talking about Peter Griffin?

Please go into story. We were talking about Peter Griffin because I met Peter Griffin. Except he wasn't Peter Griffin. He had sounded like a pre-invested Peter Griffin. And he was fatter too. I had no idea how he managed to fit inside the car. But, like...

Listen, we can only have two fat-shaming people on the podcast. There's not enough room for one of us. Anyways. I'm trying to remember. So, on the first day, he showed me around. And he seemed like a pretty nice dude. And, like, the way it works is that we have to like take shifts so like you would usually spend an hour like in one place or you'd spend an hour like outside in the car so like on that first

day when he told me the route i had to like go inside for a few hours and just like walk around just like do some boring shit in there and when i came out i saw like at the part of the mall where we had to like switch off there was a scene and there i saw the peter griffin look-alike just getting screamed at by some guy and with a child grabbing at his leg and i was like what the fuck is going on and he's and peter griffin's like don't about it. And I just got back into the car. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. So, like, I just continued the rest of my shift

as usual. Like, went to the car, went back inside, went back into the car again, without much issue. But at the end of the day, I went to my boss, and I was like, do you know what the fuck happened? Because it seemed like something bad happened. And the boss told me like, oh, yeah, you see, there was a little incident. And what it turns out, during the hour that he took over, when I immediately got out, he fucking reversed and rear ended a kid.

Whoa. Oh. Yeah. And the guy that was screaming at him was the father and he was just like standing there like a little like a fucking sad dog that pissed on the floor and there was nothing he could really do but you know that grinds my gears kids in my blind blind spot dude okay something something similar happened to me when i was uh first day on the job uh at mcdonald's fucking eons ago i remember it was like the first day it was during christmas the first for first

i just want to clarify the kid was perfectly fine he just got like bumped a little bit and that's it but for some reason that the peter griffin guy had his job for the entirety when i fucking had that job too he didn't get fired at all he still had his job i mean entirety when I fucking had that job too. He didn't get fired at all. He still had his job. I mean, the kid wasn't working there, was he? The Peter Griffin or the kid? No. No, the kid.

No. What the fuck are you talking about? Well, because why would he get fired for hitting a kid that has nothing to do with the... Because he hit a kid. What do you mean? What do you fucking mean, Ed? What are you fucking on? It's okay. You killed this kid, but this eight-year-old didn't work here, so it's fine.

I mean, I don't know. It's like an outside-of-work offense. It was literally outside... It's a customer! What do you want? It was in the parking lot. What do you mean? It was at work.

He hit him with the company car, Ed. What do you mean it was at work he hit him with the company car ed what do you mean i think we will have to agree to disagree there's nothing whatever whatever kids you kill in your own time that's your own time even if they're on company property it's fine there was an escalation there fucking went from zero injury to injury to kill. You kill a couple of kids, people start getting mad at you. Anyways. Listen, all he did was use a kid like a little speed bump, right? I don't think that's a fireable offense. Welcome to PSP. Funny thing is, this is a podcast about hurting children.

Funny thing is, it's actually really hard to get fired from that place but that's a story for another time possibly later in this podcast but uh david as you were saying yeah so yeah uh as i was saying uh first day on the job at mcdonald's i was too young uh at the time because i think i was like 15 and you have to be 16 to be able to use the grill and stuff like that actually be in the kitchen so they would make me do like uh the front and the side kitchen because it was in a mall it was like a mcdonald's in a mall so they would make me like go clean up uh fucking tables pick up shit get yelled at you know a classic and at one point uh the lady was like

the the lady that was like uh not instructing me what would you say uh training you mentoring at a mcdonald's my mcdonald yeah yeah fuck it my mcdonald mentor was like okay we have to take the trash uh from inside the restaurant outside uh on the other end of the fucking mall so mentor was like, okay, we have to take the trash, uh, from inside the restaurant outside, uh, on the other end of the fucking mall. So I was like, okay. Uh,

she, she, she tells me and another guy to like put all the fucking trash bags on a huge fucking thing on wheels. And there, there was like a map. Yeah. It's,

it was like a huge trolley like fucking high up full of trash i was i was like uh i was in the front and like like i was like holding it from the front so that shit wouldn't fall and behind me i had uh the guy that was pushing the trolley was like fucking high as shit and i just remembered what like at one point I tell the guy, OK, I'm going to open the door because you had to go open a door to go through maintenance tunnels to go to the place where you have to dump the shit. So like I open the fucking door and while I'm opening the door, the guy just fucking pummels three kids with the fucking garbage bags. I just like I just up like using like a weapon or did you like throw the like push the cart no he was he pushed the cart right onto those three kids they i just hear like like i i was just opening the door and then i just hear like

and i'm like oh god why are these kids yelling i turn around and i hear wait why were they hanging out by the garbage anyway because it was like well it's because the guy had to go through like the uh the front of the place where all the tables were to go to the we you had to like go through oh so you had to wheel it out through the front yeah you have to wheel it out through the front and he just like pummeled three kids they fell on the ground and next thing i know like i open the door i turn around and this fucking fat bitch just grabs my arm and she's like what the fuck did you do and i'm like what the whoa what the fuck and like she just starts fucking she she just starts fucking screeching at me and i'm like i don't know what the fuck happened i'm like i'm sorry ma'am i was just opening the door i don't know what happened it was my first day fucking 15

year old i think i fucking i was like on the verge of crying man like first day ever working holy shit that was scary yeah when you got fucking god's like yelling at you yeah that would cost ptsd and then my manager my manager is like just fucking runs and she he's like apologizing just like crazy to this fucking fat bitch and like the guy the guy behind the guy behind the the the trash fucking trolley just like comes out like fucking super chilled as fuck and he's like oh whoops tweets doesn't even doesn't even yeah you're just fucking monkey emojis and i got reprimanded on my first fucking day and he wait did he get punished oh that's no he did not he did not that's the worst fucking part my manager's that is a bro move i

can't okay david i can't believe you hit those children yeah i fucking hit those children with a with a trolley with my fucking mind also Also, I want to clear my name. What I said earlier was I called Ed Boon a fat fuck. You guys are fat shaming victims. I'm in the clear. He's not fat. Yeah, he's not. That's just a term of endearment.

Did Ed Boon get mentioned once in this podcast? No, it's because Brendan said something about Mortal Kombat. And then I asked Ed Boon to come on, and then I called him a fat fuck. I don't think he's going to come on anymore. I don't, yeah. I think that's that. He'll do it to advertise Mortal Kombat 12. We're never getting the Booner here.

We'll never get FGC reputation like this. Yeah. This is so sad. I was shit I don't have any mortal injuries or fat people in my story it's just it's just a classic ed's a moron story that still works too

let's hear it you fucking moron this might have happened exactly 10 years ago me and my friends back in high school when we when we were 13 to 14 we kind of pioneered the getting shit faced in front of your computer thing and just gaming with people like this was so long ago team speak or discord didn't even exist we had to use skype and um i I thought TeamSpeak was older than Skype. Isn't it? Yeah, I think it was

TeamSpeak, Skype, and Discord. Oh, yeah. No, no, TeamSpeak probably did exist because that shit is old. It's just old as fuck. Yeah, it barely has a fucking interface. It's just a notepad file you have on that's somehow clogged.

It's a notepad file that connects to other gamers online. It's malware, but it's useful. It is malware. Is it malware? I thought it was music. Who fucking cares? Please. So we were on Skype, and

since we were 13th or 14th like Belgium rules, but like the on paper rule is anyone below 16 or looks under 16 isn't allowed to drink. So we couldn't actually we couldn't exactly go out to bars yet and shit. So what we would do is we would just get shitfaced at our homes and just play like worms or something because all of our computers were trash so all so the only game we couldn't handle was worms armageddon um i mean to be fair that game slaps i game does fuck yes so fuck yeah um i have a i had a problem where then, uh, my mom would always insist that I have dinner with her. So I knew ahead of time, um, that I couldn't drink too much

because eventually I'd have to have dinner with my mom and, you know, I was 14. So I, I don't think I'd be good at disguising it. So I'm just at my computer. I'm drinking every once in a while. And I'm really fucking. Actually, this isn't that stupid. So my computer wasn't in my room. It was in a room one floor below it. And I was scared of my mom like walking into that room and finding out that I was drinking in front of my computer.

So I would just drink one beer at a time. So I'd drink one beer, go upstairs, grab a new one, and then come back. And then once I was like four... No, actually less, because I was 14. Once I was like two beers in, I always consistently fell down the stairs and hit my head on the wall.

What the fuck? But it was fine, because I was drunk and didn't feel it. I woke up with a headache instead i just specifically remember because i have to go down the stairs and then make a left i was in my socks so i consistently slipped and hit my head on the ground doesn't matter that's a little bonus fact um after a while i lose track of how much I drink and they all kind of hit me at the same time so I am shit-faced and then I hear the distinct sounds of my mom calling me down to dinner and I am shitting myself so I make it downstairs without falling I get to the dinner table and i'm i'm keeping it together no problem here and then like when i get a couple bites into my food my mom notices there is definitely something wrong with me because i'm

just like not talking and i have like bulging eyes trying to stay focused i'm pretty sure i was like pretty sure i had veins coming out of most of my muscles oh like that one fucking picture of the guy with the veins yeah yeah no i looked like that because i was focusing so hard on just moving a fork and a knife and then she asks me if i'm okay and then time kind of just slows down and my brain goes okay she's gonna notice you're drunk but there is no way in hell that i'm not grounded forever if my mom finds out i was drinking at my fucking computer at age 14 what do i do so my fight or flight instinct kicks in and i instantly start crying my eyes out. Like I start bawling like a baby. And my mom goes, oh, my God, baby, what's wrong?

And I just spew out. I got the shit kicked out of me at school. Dude. What a save what a fucking save holy shit and I just start like spewing total bullshit that I got bullied at school

and I just feel really bad and I didn't want to show her my bruises or fucking whatever so I just went I'll just eat dinner later and I went back to my room then you beat the shit out of yourself or some shit no nothing I just went back to my room and then I just went downstairs and I sobered up did you never talk about it again? Nope. She has no idea. Hi, Mom. What the fuck? Hell no. That's a fucking funny chess maneuver.

I know my sister listens to the podcast, so I'm expecting a call from my mother a couple hours after this episode comes back. Oh, God. Oh, God. She's the fucking worst I think I already told this but like I asked her which episodes do you listen to do you listen to all of them

she goes oh no don't worry just the ones you're in that's fucking awful dude Jesus speaking of siblings I want psyopt my brother what the fuck what the fuck

what the fuck what do you mean all right um so back when we were kids um both me and my little brother got in trouble around the same time for stealing my grandpa's credit card so we both stole it in different instances i'm already in love where are we going where are we going here's what he did all right i'm gonna say what he did and then what i did this is within like months apart right so this is this is how i got away with it and how he didn't um my brother is three years younger than me at the time i think i was 12 or 13 he would have been 9 10. So he took my grandpa's credit card, memorized it, gave him back the card and then went onto Facebook and like bought a bunch,

a bunch of like money in like these mafia games on Facebook. And I mean like, like a $1,200 worth of like mafia money and he immediately immediately like immediate was like i did it yeah he took responsibility for it uh me on the other hand i god maybe this was more like when I was like 14, honestly, with the time period 14 or 15, maybe,

but I, this is essentially like I, it was a ridiculous amount of money. Right. And like a month later, I, he, he got in trouble,

got in a fuck ton of trouble. And like, I think like a month later, I didn't do the exact same thing but i did end up spending four hundred dollars total oh my god damn so let me tell you what i did and and how like i got away with it because i was a shit fucking teenager and a $200 of it was on Gaia Online to buy items on Gaia Online. The other $200 was all softcore

ecchi anime on Xbox and Xbox Live. Buying the individual episodes. You were buying? What the fuck? Who does that? Is that the one where it's boys making out no ecchi ecchi is like softcore hentai where there's no like there's not a lot of like nudity

There's no sex, but there's a lot of like boobies and titties She's like softcore porn They sell that on bill gates they sold that they sold episodes of icky tosen on uh on xbox yeah and i bought all of them and watched it because i was like yeah xbox live what the fuck like 360 i got away with it kids use that yeah the 360 the 360 i remember the 360 no no no i i know i remember the 360 had some fucking garbo on there i like i love that sony censors trish's ass and dmc5 and xbox goes ah fuck it anime chicks making let's go go nuts so like the way i got away with it was I basically lied and said that I

had one of my friends message me on Xbox Live with like a fake message on like a separate account saying that I would get free stuff in a game. And so I started crying when my parents and my grandparents confronted me. I started crying and then I showed

them the message. They were like, oh honey. Because I tricked them into thinking that I got tricked into giving my grandpa's credit card information and then they never questioned the gaia stuff either oh my god it was just a really sad man pornography mom look they took grandpa's credit card and they bought big mommy gf i i wonder like sometimes i wonder why my little brother works at burger king and smokes Mom, look, they took grandpa's credit card and they bought big mommy GF. I, I wonder, like, sometimes I wonder why my little brother works at Burger King and smokes weed and just lives his life chill. But then I remember that I was a shitty fucking brother. Like some nights I, when we lived at the apartments as a kid, I would make really big, like bang sounds outside of his room and say it was gunshots going off. Jesus Christ. And they. They're coming for

him. No wonder he blew up a corn crib. I was a shitty brother. Brendan, you sounds like a white Eric Andre. One time I convinced my brother to run around the trailer park naked because fucking Santa

would bring him better gifts that year. Wow. He would say to fuck with a guest. He ran around naked in like freezing weather for like an hour i got in a lot of trouble that day and i felt really shitty was it worth it though i wish i i wish i did shit like that i was i was too fucking i was too much of a good kid i should have been more of an asshole i wish i had a shit like that but i was like seven years older than me so i'm the one that always got trolled in my defense have i ever talked about

the piss on this podcast like the living like sleeping in the same bed with my brothers no man i don't want you to tell that story i mean well there's no story there he just said piss and sleeping in the same bed so i'm pretty sure everybody can connect the fucking but i can build i can build a story okay i can build a story from this. Back when I was a kid, me and my brother had bunk beds when we lived with my dad and he would sleep on the top bunk. Now my little brother Now my little brother

used to watch a lot of horror movies. Snoop Dogg's Bones, Freddy Krueger, Jason, loved horror movies but he was terrified of them. So one night I'm sleeping in the bottom bunk and I just feel this wet like dripping on my face and I go oh my

fucking god wake him up wake him up say no no no this isn't happening oh my god like called my dad my dad was like fucking deal with it close the door on me and I just had to sleep with piss dripping down on my forehead my brother got scared and said I'm to sleep with piss dripping down on my forehead.

My brother got scared and said, I'm going to sleep with you. My piss-soaked little brother came down and slept in the same bed with me. This isn't the end of it. And then every night since then, for three fucking years, he would sleep with me in the same bed

and piss the bed. What the fuck? So I slept in a piss-soaked bed for two and a half to three years are you sure you want to do this right now you sure want to say that about your brother my little brother's a fucking moron i love him to death but i've already told the piss story on twitch so many fucking times that i don't care what do you think the p stands for david i thought oh piss I thought the word

trickle was gonna get involved somehow. My grandparents gifted us like kid pampers so that when he peed, at least it would stay in the pampers. Oh, and my dad never cleaned that bed, by the way.

Not once in the four years I lived with him. Because I lived on a farm and my dad made meth boo. Oh yeah, that's right. Carry on. Mr. White, we gotta clean your son's bed. Jesse, I gotta hit him. I was sitting stuck from all the piss and trickle down. Jesus!

I was sitting stuck from the piss, I realized about the other nightmare. What the fuck, man? This isn't fun anymore. I thought we were having fun, but then we were talking about you fucking dad kicking your ass. I don't know about this. Brendan is one elaborate set away from being like, I used to tie this retarded girl around a bench and just yell nightmare,

nightmare, nightmare. God. Holy shit. I, uh, I don't know. I had like a,

I, I, I don't feel like I had elaborate schemes, but I felt like I like fell into them. Like, um, one time in high school, I, uh,

went out with this girl and we went to homecoming. And so we went to homecoming. It was an okay time. The worst part was is like a dude that really liked her was in the friend group. So he kept staring daggers at me and then going. And so like fucking Final Fantasy to get to get back at her to get back at her. I was in choir with one of her friends and so i would loudly talk about how much like because she wouldn't go out with me after and i was pissed about it because i was a fucking virgin like idiot and i would loudly like talk about how

much i regretted going and i fucking was like oh my god i wish i just had the money back from what I spent that night. What a fucking waste. Like loudly talk about it in front of her friend. And then one day she came and like tried to give me money. And I was like, oh no, I'm an awful person. I said, no, no, I'm sorry. I was being a dick. Like I'm so, I'm fucking sorry. Like I, no.

So I refused the money. Cause I was like, I'm being a huge asshole. She actually did the I'm going to give you $20 to fuck off move. Basically, yeah, because I was fucking special. My best friend and roommate, James, I basically tricked him into being my best friend because he hated me freshman year of high school. Actually, if you go, because he was a year older than me, if you go through his sophomore year yearbook, my face is the only face in it that's cut out with a knife

and scratched out serial killer style. No fucking joke. My best friend of 11 years fucking cut my face out of his sophomore yearbook. That's how much he hated me. And I was like, this guy's going to be my friend. Brendan, are you saying you didn't want,

you said at the beginning of the fucking recording you didn't want to be sinister, and yet here we are. I'm feeling sinister is what I fucking said, boo. That is what he said. He did say he wanted to be sinister, and it's been a sinister... It's very sinister. It's been a very sinister fucking episode.

I've been sitting around a lot since I quit at Best Buy, and I've just been, like like ruminating. So I just am full of... I'm fat with the wealth of many stories. That's poetic. I didn't have... Huh. I thought I had it colorful. No, you win. Should I talk talk about magnet man too now yeah sure

all right all right i don't like this story i'm so since i was like a dumpy like idiot uh trap like white trash fucking like like kid um i thought that magic was real for like an incredibly long time until i was like 12 i believed in santa until i was 13 legitimately believed in santa until i was 13 and thought magic was real until i was 12 when i was around 9 or 10 uh at my grandparents trailer park i was in one of the trailers and i my grandma was very crafty she she had like little sewing kits and yarn and she was also a hoarder. So like these things were covered in cat shit and cat piss.

But like she had a lot of crafty things. And I was like, I had this idea. I looked, I went into the kitchen and I looked at the fridge and I said, I'm going to climb this fridge. I'm going to climb this fridge. So I went into my grandma's computer room and i grabbed a hot glue gun and this little baggie of magnets and i thought i'm gonna fucking glue these magnets to my hands and my head and climb the fridge oh my god put hot glue on one of the magnets sealed it to my forehead and you just heard like a you heard like

and i went i went ah mommy why you i fucking had a burn so bad on my fucking forehead it looked like i was like a bulbous unicorn like i fucking like was such a stupid fucking kid didn't you not already talk about this story? I don't think I talked about this. Well, you know what? In that same trailer park, this is just like a quick anecdote. I did once drink out of the toilet

with a Tasmanian, not Tasmanian, no, Tasmanian devil like cup. I used to drink out of the toilet because I thought the toilet water was cleaner. Brendan, your story so far made me think you were gonna end that sentence at tasmanian devil i was drinking out of a fucking toilet with a tasmanian devil next to me and i would have believed you dude no no i uh i i don't know like i've just been like ruminating on a lot of this shit lately

because i i don't think about like the the weird fucking shit that i did as a kid very often but sometimes i just like i like my brain blasts and i've just tried to like keep anytime my brain has blasted lately so that i can remember because i keep a lot of this shit under lock and key because otherwise i don't think I'd be able to function in society without all this shit under lock and key. So I like I just I just have been brain blasting a lot lately since I've had a lot of time

and I've just been saving it for the podcast. Like I'm starting to think Lord of the Flies was based on you or something that happened to you back up children. It was more think Lord of the Flies was based on you or something that happened to you. Back on children. It was more like children of the corn.

Speaking of like Lord of the Flies, back when I was in foster care in eighth grade, I was in foster care for a year because of some fucked up shit that happened. And I was bullied pretty often. And a couple things of note while I was in foster care, I wrote down like a list of kids I wanted to kill. And then I got my like planner taken away, which sucked because like my daily planner, if you got to keep your daily planner, if you kept it, you got like, you got to got to keep your daily planner if you kept it

you got like you got to go to adventureland but if you lost it you you could well no it was free homework passes the daily planner had free homework passes in them that if you didn't turn in homework you got four fucking whoopsies and if you didn't turn in homework you had to sit outside of adventureland at the end of the school year trip for 10 minutes for each not turned in assignment but i got mine taken away but adventureland sounds the fakest the school year trip for 10 minutes for each not turned in assignment. But I got mine taken away. But Adventureland sounds like the fakiest shit ever that they would make up for. Adventureland. Come on.

Doesn't seem real. Adventureland. We're gonna have a fun-filled day. Brendan, are you sure that's not just the figment of your memory? In Iowa? Yeah. In Iowa? Yeah, it's Adventureland.

Adventureland, Iowa. Well, I don't know. Yeah, it was in Iowa. It's the theme park. It's Adventureland. It even had Iowa. Yeah, it was in Iowa. It's the theme park. It's Adventureland. It even had a jingle. I used to go there a lot as a kid. Shut the fuck up. Oh, sorry, Brent. Oh, sorry, boo.

I can't speak too much good anymore on account of my island dialect. I mean, I can see that, but still. Quinting his job is the best thing to happen to this fucking podcast. He broke the limit of his time. I feel like I'm not sure who's okay right now.

I'm not sure I'm okay. I'm not sure he's okay. I literally just, I have my elbows on my desk and my head in my hands, and I've just been staring at Brendan's name on the voice channel. Yeah, I've been doing the same. I don't think I even should say my other story. We should just keep this going.

Back that year in the eighth grade, that was the year that I was in foster care. I wrote down a list of names I wanted to kill. I hired two big Hispanic kids and paid them in Pokemon cards to like protect me on the playground

from bullies. So like, all right, Angel and Juvenile were fucking two of my best fucking friends and like they were so fucking cool, but I also gave them like Yu-Gi-Oh cards to keep me safe on the playground so I wouldn't

get my ass kicked, even though I was taller than them, but were wider than me oh my god go on my uh my friend my friend Dean from eighth grade still talks to me and he fucking like is like we used to just walk around town and just like just just talk like nothing weird i i had normal eighth grader moments i i walked around town i would sneak away from school and go to my grandparents because they lived down the street from my school and i wasn't technically allowed to see them while i was in foster care but i would spend like 20 minutes like basically half of my recess period at my grandma's just like chilling playing fucking flash games i'm not supposed to be doing this right now but i'm doing this right now i uh i i that was the eighth grade was like a wild time for me because that was like when i had to

like visit my dad in prison uh i had to like be in like court ordered places like talking to people about like, who could like take care of me. And that was just eighth grade is when I peaked. I think honestly. Do we let Brendan talk or do we do Patreon questions? I don't know. It just keeps going and we're,

we're, we're done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm not done. I can be done. Your brain is the wild west of fucking brains. I can be done. I'm so like, I'm sorry. I can not done. I can be done. Your brain is the wild west of fucking brains. I can be done. I'm sorry. I can be done. I'm just

like, I'm just remembering so fucking much. Like, I'm just like getting Jimmy Neutron brain blasted into the next hemisphere. This isn't Let's Get Sad. This is Let's Get Sinister. No, this is Let's Get Meth. One last one last tidbit that No, this is let's get meth.

One last tidbit that I think of, because I wrote it down in the topics chat getting out of the date. In eighth grade, my foster parents, this girl lived up the street from my foster parents, and she was really interested in me. She would invite me over to play Wii Sports and shit. Yes! Pussy magnet! I was very not interested in me. She would invite me over to play Wii Sports and shit. I was very not interested in her because she had a very long

elephant man style face. Wow. Oh my god. And she talked like hell. Wow. Wow. Wow. What the fuck?

Only in fucking... Only in Tractor Town. What does the elephant man look like? I need to look at this image while... She didn't really. She looked like a stereotypical horse girl. All right? Elephant man didn't have a long face.

It was just bulging. So would she be the elephant girl? No, no, no. It'd be like more like if Plank from Ed, Edd n Eddy was a person. Okay. So like she was really interested in me and I don't know. I just was not interested. Like I didn't have like a like a sex drive until I was like 17.

So I just didn't have like a like a sex drive until i was like 17 so i just didn't care about this shit i wanted to go home and play secretly play wrestling games on my dvd player under my bed i uh well because i had to hide it because my foster parents didn't allow video games so i had to hide like a dvd player and a ps2 under my bed so i could play wwe smackdown WWE Smackdown versus Raw 2006. But I digress. I got out of like, she wanted to like, her parents wanted to like take us out on like, like a lunch date,

like a cute little lunch date. And I made up, I made up this convoluted story that I was grieving. I, I was like, I'm so sorry. I think, I think her name was like Carrie or something.

Like Kyrie. Like literally like Kyrie or Carrie or Caitlin or something. It was a K name. It was a K name. I don't remember. Like I literally like just at the back of my fucking head. I was like, oh, Caitlin, I can't go out on a date with you because I'm still grieving my girlfriend, Sonia. And she's like, what, Caitlin, I can't go on this date with you because I'm still grieving my girlfriend, Sonia.

And she's like, what? My girlfriend, Sonia Blade. Two weeks ago, she got hit by a truck. What the fuck? By a fucking truck. And I don't know why I wanted to advance this story, but I was like, yeah, her ghost still talks to me and it kind of fucks me up. So I can't, I can't,

I can't go out with you. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. You can't keep doing this shit, Brendan. Hey, I adjusted. You can't keep doing this shit.

I lied so fucking much back then because I just didn't know how to communicate with human beings. I got okay after high school, I promise. Still went over to her house and played Wii Sports with her. Did you play Wii Sports Resort though? I mean, I'm laughing, but I'm not going to give you a lecture. Wii Sports Resort came out in high school.

Oh, that's unfortunate. I forget who it was, but there was one guy that kept messaging me, so I just told him I had somebody in my family died leave me alone I used to lie all the time at Best Buy that I have to watch my little sister like oh no I can't come into work I gotta watch my sister like no I fucking don't

oh I remember what it was it was one of the dipshits that I met at that YouTube event I talked about like a bunch of episodes ago the one that I was fucking blazed at there was this one guy that I met there that we followed each other

and he kept trying to DM me and be my friend and I just wasn't interested and I noticed that he tweeted all the time and one time he tweeted about something and I just messaged them saying hey this tweet is really fucked up because that's how my mom died and then i never talked to him ever again oh my god wait are you talking about are you talking about packs no not

no no oh i was like i was like what i was like dude that's really fucked no okay i was like, I was like, what the fuck? I was like, dude, that's really fucked. No, okay, I was like, dude, I was like, what the fuck? You can't say that shit to those guys. What the fuck? That's so bad. I was like, dude, that's so messed up. What the fuck? It was a YouTube event when I was like 18 or 19.

Okay, okay. No. Yeah, I did that to quite. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Like, what the fuck are you that to quite yeah that's what I was gonna say like what the fuck are you saying to quite Minecraft Steve my dad died to a creeper it's really disrespectful oh my god speaking of dead parents

Patreon questions Patreon questions $5 tier yeah you okay if you're part of the $5 tier yeah you okay yeah that's it if you're part of the $5 tier you can ask a patron question or a hypothetical for the patron Q&A

what am I doing what am I going what does Brendan do this isn't going in Brendan just DM'd me an article of a man committing a crime, and then he said, this is my dad, by the way.

Oh my god. What the fuck? That's not going in, Brendan. You need to move on. Please. Somebody pick a fucking question. I knew you'd appreciate that, and i wanted to fucking get i don't think he appreciates it i mean i'm gonna read that later yeah uh there's one for please save this question for an episode with brendan yeah

cast is thrown into a wwestyle wrestling tournament. What is everyone's wrestling persona, character, and who would win the tournament? I've talked about what I want to do for a wrestling character, and I want to run the indie circuit for five years wearing a beef morph suit covered in PNGs of meat,

and I want to call myself the Beef Boy. I don't want to talk at all until like five years in and then finally I'll be like you've done me wrong like fucking just full on Brendan YouTuber voice and just have people fucking pop the fuck

out that's what I want to do for my wrestling it sounds fucking cringe as hell but in my head that sounds like the tightest thing ever I want to be the i want to be this the spank that's my my wrestling name the spank heel or baby face david heel or baby face i don't know what that means heel is bad guy baby face is good guy oh i want to be i want to be a heel i want to be a heel i want to be uh i want to be the spank and i want to extremely edgy and uh oh oh i have tattoos right and it's all like it's all like you know when you spank somebody really really hard and it leaves an imprint like a red imprint of a

hand that's all the tattoos on my body what have you got a tattoo of an ass on your ass yeah and i i had like everything it's just spanks everywhere and uh i'm called the spank my oh and my my um my my slogan the thing i i say when i i go in is uh are you ready i'm ready i'm ready david i'm ready i don't fucking know i don't fucking know i can't think of a slogan right now but i'm the spank um i'd be the technomancer and it would just be willem dafoe's green goblin but as a wrestler that's not bad that's not bad. And I would just get on a giant drone and talk so much shit to my opponent. And my TitanTron intro song is

you guys know that video of the girl slapping her ass in the D.Va costume and going nerf this and then there's a giant fart sound? It would be that. With a beat behind it. Oh. Alright. Downloading Fire Pro again right now.

I'm setting up the Technomancer right now for Bryn Daniel Funny Wrestling. Yeah, it's literally just the Green Goblin. I show up on a hoverboard and I talk mad shit. Oh my god. Mine would probably be called something like the fucking big steez

and I would like go out into the fucking ring playing the fucking the fucking lizard squad rap as my theme song and I would just get jobbed in every scene yeah I would get jobbed in every like I would act like a big deal but then I'd get jobbed in every single fight. Yeah. I would get jobbed in every... I would act like a big deal, but then I'd get jobbed in every single fight.

Yeah, but then you could work your way up and be like John Simba. Yeah, exactly. I gotta get my own redemption arc, man. The song remains the same. Hustle, loyalty, respect. Word life. This is basic thugonomics. Basic thugonomics is basic thugonomics

basic thugonomics Leo Campbell asks wait wait Brandon didn't say didn't Brandon say his yeah at the beginning yeah isn't there a second part to that no

I thought there was a second part to the question who would win the tournament if there was a tournament we were all in it uh i want to be number two i don't want to win i don't i mean i'm not winning i'm not winning either also i don't like avery avery i see as a manager style character cameron i see as like a luchador but like he just gets thrown out immediately uh kyle kyle i could see you i i you know what i could see. Kyle, I could see, you know what? I could see Kyle winning. I could see Kyle being like a white hot baby face. Kyle would win. Corbin's

Vince McMahon. Corbin is just wearing Vince's skin. Corbin is wearing his skin. Vince McMahon explodes and Corbin is just sitting in the desk chair being like, hey, that's a cool T-Rex skull. Because Vince McMahon has a T-Rex skull in his office. That's good.

A real one? Wow. Yeah, a real one. I want to see the worm. That's good shit. All right, I got this fucking angle, right? You're going to dress up like Kane and fuck this dead body. It's going to be hot.

Oh, my God. Jesus. That's a going to be hot. Oh my god, Jesus. That's a real thing that happened. No. Triple H dressed up like Kane and pretend fucked a dead body. Also, Edge and Lita had sex in the ring. Come on, Terry.

K-fabe. K-fabe sex sex. Not really sex, but they got under the covers and did like the Sims woohoo thing in the middle of the ring on a bed. Also, just to know, like this fucking, just to like drop wrestling knowledge, Lita and Matt

Hardy were together and Edge is only with Lita because she actually cheated on Matt Hardy with Edge and they built a storyline out of that cheating angle that ended up with Matt Hardy getting actually fired for getting cheated on. What? Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Matt Hardy got cheated on, and then the dude that stole his GF got over in their feud and fucking beat him in the feud, even though he was the man who cheated on him. Can we move on from... next patreon question somebody pick one marmalude asks what is the worst

meal you have ever eaten like something that is absolutely revolting mine's kind of a story I went downstairs in the middle of the night once and I was fucking hungry it was like 5am and my eyes were just blurry. So I grabbed something out of the fridge that looked like meat. I heated it up and I ate it. And every bite I took,

I went, this tastes like shit, but I'm hungry. So I kept eating it. And then the next day, my mom came to me laughing and she went did you eat the thing that was in the fridge i went uh yeah that tasted like shit was that like bad meat and she went no that was liver uh so yeah for me it's liver liver fucking sucks liver fucking sucks yeah liver tastes i don't like shit uh i don't know i don't usually i don't fucking eat bad meals i'm gonna Liver fucking sucks. Liver fucking sucks, yeah. Liver tastes like dog shit. I don't know. Usually I don't fucking eat bad meals. I'm going to be honest.

Yeah. Come on. There has to be more. Maybe, but I don't think... I'm not going to remember. I don't remember what the fuck... You have to think. You got to use your brain. If I eat something shitty,

I'm immediately gonna be like, oh, this is shitty. I'm not gonna finish eating it. I'm gonna eat something else. I'm not gonna eat a fucking liver. I'm not that desperate. I'm not in fucking college. Even in college, I wasn't that bad. I've accidentally bitten into plastic fruit

like five times in my life what was the best plastic fruit you've eaten grapes small immediate grapes at least small no because that technically that's the only one that was a meal because i swallowed one so uh yeah uh the one the worst thing i've had is like another vegetable it's like fucking frozen okra i thought like i didn't know what okra was when i was like a fucking 12 year old and i just saw it in the fridge so i thought it was like warm-up peas or beans or whatever so i just like put it in the put it in the microwave took it out took a bite and it was just the slimiest most fucking foul thing ever like it felt like phlegm in your mouth just like oozing out it just

i'll be honest with my with my dumb ass imagination i immediately got this idea and this is so vivid in my mind boo of your your avatar grabbing oprah from the fridge putting her in the microwave turning it on waiting for it oprah melting and then you pulling the oprah goop out of the microwave and eating it clawing it with your hands and i was like this is nasty this is the worst podcast and i'm so fucking sorry that i'm like activated why are you activated on oprah goop the fuck have you smunked i feel like avery is it and Avery has like a calming influence on me Avery's like my limiter

and I've taken the chains off I probably ate raw chicken once but I had a bite I said oh that's raw and I stopped there's no story I don't have a fucking there's no story he's just asking about the meals it doesn't have to be

probably just raw chicken that one time the chicken was raw no no anyone else got bad food I mean like actually bad food the only thing that comes to mind was you told me that one time the fucking frozen thing

yeah the frozen pretzel thing. But then also the one time I boiled cereal. Did I tell that story? No. What the fuck? So, all right. My mom was always waking up like an hour before me for like high school stuff. Before you do one, I need you to understand what I'm picturing.

You know how like people like they put meth in a spoon and they heat the spoon? That's what I'm picturing in my head right now. With fucking Cheerios? That's heroin. You don't put meth in the spoon. That's heroin. You put meth in a tube and you smoke it out of the tube. That's why my dad always had little tubes around.

Little test tubes. Please tell your story. I don't know how people consume meth. I just assume it's tube-based. Tube-based. It's tube-based. You remember that? You remember in Bioshock, the tube puzzle? That's how you smoke.

You have to do the hacking puzzles in Bioshock to smoke meth um so my mom would always wake up an hour before me and she unbeknownst to me she left the oven on and i woke up a little early to go to school and i was like i'm gonna eat something because i never eat breakfast so i grab a ceramic bowl and i like put cereal in it and i set it on the oven and i didn't realize like the burner was on so i just set it on the like on the like top of the stove and i walk away because i like my cereal to get soggy because i'm a fucking psychopath of course and i walk away i like go upstairs i get ready in

the bathroom i'm like i'm like oh i'll brush my teeth after i eat and like 10 minutes passes and i go downstairs and i like smell like i smell like something's fucked up and crazy. I go over and the milk is bubbling. I had boiled the cereal. I grab pot, like the little oven mitts, and I grab the bowl off of the oven, set it down, turn the oven

off, and I'm just like, I'm just going to eat it. I'm not going to waste it. It was fucking awful, but I ate it. What cereal was it? It wasn't Captain Crunchy. It was one of the grainy ones. The grainy ones? Lucky Charms.

It was Lucky Charms. Oh, no. It was the knockoff Lucky Charms. It was Mighty Mighty Mighty Mighty Mighty Marshmallow Maties. Marshmallow Maties are better than Lucky Charms. It was a matey, matey, matey, mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty, marshmallow mateys. Marshmallow mateys are better than the fucking

Lucky Charms, I'm going to say right now. They were way better. Marshmallow mateys slap. They come in the fucking big sack. Fuck yeah. Big sack boy. I keep reading that as cryotic. I'm sorry. Clayotic asks,

you are given the opportunity to eradicate an entire species from the planet. What do you choose and why? Bedbugs. White women. YouTubers. Fucking gnats, probably. No, gnats serve a purpose in the ecosystem.

Bedbugs. Bedbugs. Bedbugs serve no fucking purpose. Bedbugs serve nothing. I think that's a good one. I think... Oh, Instagram models. There you go. Fuck those.

TikTokers. I already said white women. People who edit... People who edit Wikipedia articles. Minecraft YouTubers. Chaos, David. People who edit Wikipedia articles as Julian slowly turns to dust.

No! I don't feel so good, Mr. Stark. He looks at his Iron Man Funko Pop. I don't feel so good, Mr. Stark. Should we do one more? I think I'm't feel so good mr stark should we do one more i think i'm really upset yeah we should probably do that more david you pick one last one oh fuck people are always make fun of me when i pick one give me a minute david you got it you got it you got this i believe oh my god david's gonna pick such a good one I can tell he's pointing at the stands you can do it I believe in you

he's pointing at the orphans in the stands everyone is standing up he's pointing at the Wrestlemania sign they're waiting for the question he's pointing at the Wrestlemania sign David's gonna win the rumble he's doing gang signs I'm not doing gang signs He's doing gang signs. I'm not doing gang signs.

He's doing gang signs at the Wrestlemania sign. Oh, David's gonna team up with Hacksaw Jim Duggan and kill Hulk Hogan. Wheelchair bound orphan feels hope for the first time in years as he waits for the question. You are filled with determination.

And then David takes his wheelchair and uses it to smash fucking John Cena. The Undertale Asriel theme starts blasting through the speakers. You know, Brock Lesnar once threw like a one-legged guy down the stairs. He found a good one.

No, I'm just listening. I'm just trying so hard. What the fuck was that then? The parents of the orphans Because you guys are fucking talking weird shit Boo, you keep saying Wrestlemania And you keep activating my wrestling genes You need to stop

Wrestlemania, Brendan Oh, good This is just like that time I threw Mankind off the hell in a cell in 1998 This is that one time when I ran over that kid. Jeez, Lois, this is just like that time I killed a guy by doing a 619.

I don't fucking know. I like this one because of the answer I have in my head. Then say it. Just do it. Okay. Your boy Gustavo says, pick a tattoo and a member of the podcast who has to get it done you can pick the size location etc i would every single person here would get a okay

everybody Hey, I drank way too much coffee and now I'm shaking. Here's a special thanks to all our top supporters such as... AJ Wigglesworth Alan Diver Alex Steer Ben Krizmanic Byke Boo Poo Lou Buckshot Papaya Cap Zed Playotic Dead Dreams Desiree Gothroy, Dreams of Ice, Ducky Madness, Eric Scott Gillies, Fang Jade, Generic Phoenix, I run faster than

bullets you dumb idiot I'd like to see you try and then they fight and it's real cool and Shadow has a katana, Jeff Smith, Jonathan Soberan, Manuel Martinez, Miyako, Notoriety, Thanks so much for listening and we'll see you super soon.