Please Stop Talking - Mike's Hard Giggle Brew (feat. Brendaniel) | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: November 24, 2023

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That's PleaseStopShopping.com. You ever think about how, like, fucked up it is that people, like, grow, they were, like, growing a mustache and then it just became, like, no shave November and, like, the, like, trajectory of it from, like, November is the month

where you grow your mustache. Okay, now November is the month where you don't shave. Okay, now November is the month where you don't cum. And then some people are like, November is the month where you should come a lot actually the trajectory of all of this i know i thought i thought from like mustache hair to hair to come to no come to come i thought december was was the one where it's like oh you have to come all the time gotta get

it out of your system wasn't it like the first day you come once the second day you come twice the third one you thrice. Right now, to my knowledge, the one I've seen more than No Nut November or only Nut November is No Nostalgia Critic November. Have y'all seen that? I've seen that, yes. I've been struggling. I have also. It's been really hard.

It's been really hard this month. One, the wife and the kids are starving. Two, I can't feed the dog. Three, I just saw nostalgia critics the wall last week and it ruined no nostalgia critic november what's with this this is weird this fucking november is weirdly like um it denies you of all your rights as a man they just keep taking it away just keep taking away no shaving then no coming then no doug walker these things are the fucking pillars of man these are the three things that are akin to water air and shelter for a normal human why do you

shelter i thought you were gonna say shit not shelter by porter robinson somebody said the word come once and now we've hit our stride yeah see i literally i just had to ask permission can i flip the psycho switch canide yeah see i literally i just had to ask permission can i flip the psycho switch can i say hey guys can i say come to start the podcast like i gotta you gotta fucking come switch i could no it's not a cum switch like i don't have like this well i mean no that's the prostate yeah you know the prostate is the cum switch inside the human. Just like the G-spot on a horse. On a horse? What?

No, on a woman. What? I thought you were going to say horse. What the hell are you talking about? If you don't know what we're talking about, go ask your parents right now. Have them explain it to you. The G-spot or the prostate? Whatever you want. Whatever you're feeling. And if your parents are dead, go and create an AI chatbot and ask them i mean i'm gonna be honest if you go if you go ask like

your parents like hey what's the prostate i feel like they're gonna go clinical with it i don't think they're gonna say anything weird they're gonna be like well sometimes it gets cancer no but like really who the fuck who the fuck talks about the fucking prostate in any other way than either gay sex or fucking like, I went to the doctor's office to get my prostate examined. I have cancer. Hey, dad, what's a prostate? Well, son, Dr. Milk.

Did you just say Dr. Milk? Dr. Milk. What the fuck are you talking about? if your legal guardian says that to you shake your head very disprovingly right in the face what are we fucking talking about me when i have to talk to my legal guardian but it's zavala from destiny 2 okay do you guys even know what a prostate is because i don't i'm gonna go google it right now we're starting off on a hot button issue. Welcome to the podcast.

Literally, that's what it is. You explained it, Ted. The prostate is your hot button. Your prostate is a small walnut-shaped organ below the bladder and in front of your rectum. The primary functions are to create fluids in your semen. Oh. Yeah, it's a guy button. That's why women don't have a oh yeah it's a guy but that's why women

don't have a prostate it's a guy button for cum dude i think i've dude dead ass i think i've learned more about the human body on this show than i have like in school because i swear to god there are so many times when we're we name an organ and then we laugh because the organ name is funny and then we're like wait where is that. And then we're like, wait, where is that? And then we're like, wait, what the fuck is this about? Hello, everybody. Welcome to Prostate Science Talking. We're always like, hey, man, what's this thing about?

I don't know. What's a funny organ name? Have you heard? Have you seen the news? Have you heard about this? Have you seen this? The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell funny body part names can you identify these funny bone the pharynx that's a classic the frenulum thyroid fucks me up because it sounds like a pokemon

the thyroid was the thing that can get enlarged and fuck your life yeah that's about what happened to brendan fraser's the whale you're fucking whale pilled you fucking love pizza i need a big that reminds me of fucking every time i think about that the the whale and he's like i dirt bird pizza i always think about that one lady who was like i gotta like the ninja turtles and then she would just like pour mayonnaise like a bucket of mayonnaise on like pizza and shit like is that one of the my strange addiction things i i think so i swear to god i i remember she was like i only eat a medium-sized pizza pepperoni pizza with mayonnaise and then she would just fucking glomp the... glomp? Glomp? Gulp? Syrup? Yeah, she would just gulp. She would just pour down

a fucking big old tub of mayonnaise on it. It's disgusting. Honestly, I think everybody left after the prostate talk so I think we can literally talk about anything we want. Oh, God, for sure. No, they want to learn. Speaking of this, I heard a little astronaut told me he had some news for

a little astronaut i would think it's a big astronaut who needs a big pizza all all-time segue are there any famous astronauts that we can name right now michael b jordan i can name a famous astronaut. His name is Joshua Dobbs. One of our friends talked about the whale and started this big pizza joke and it's been stuck in my head

for the last two weeks. Where it's like, oh yeah, Brendan Fraser's the whale. I watched that. All he does is like fucking walk around huffing and puffing and saying, I need a big pizza. So I've been saying it on stream a lot and it's been a problem to the point where um one of my one of the people that watches me uh sent me a message um and they uh europa there's a nasa trip to europa where they're asking for messages to put it in a bottle and then send it in a probe to Europa. And Brindaniel Big Pizza was chosen to be sent to Europa.

So I am timeless. I am eternal. As is Big Pizza. We are sending Brindaniel Big Pizza to Europa. I can't believe Jupiter 2 is getting fucking Big Pizza. They're shooting another moon into that atmosphere. Because if you really think about it, that means that the whale will stand the test of time

and it will outlive humanity. That's it. Darren Aronofsky is going to survive through Brent Daniel Big Pizza. Spoiler for the whale, but that is what happens at the end of it he flies off to fucking europa because they sent the big pizza there yeah that's why he flies away at the end of the movie yeah in a few years time uh europa is gonna have a fucking a pizza shame gonna have a dominoes well

that's that's that's actually where uh have you seen wally yeah did you know that the ship from wally is just circling europa and all those people oh my god because they were trying to get to the big pizza no fucking way no fucking way you know what's sad though nothing could survive on europa so nobody's there's never going to be a fucking there's never going to be life on Europa. You can put a biodome with Pauly Shore on Europa. It'd be funny. Is it an ocean world? I swear to God.

Europa's a moon. It's a moon. I'm a dumb ass. They got too many fucking moon. I got too many moons. Take some of these moons away. They got extra. You know what you're thinking of?

I'm pretty sure Europa from Destiny is an ocean oh my god please don't please tell me i'm wrong no i think you're right whether we want it or not we're in we're in a fight with cabal on mars oh i really don't want to be right about a destiny fucking thing i would fucking guardians you need to secure the big pizza audience secure that big pizza. I think it's really funny just trying to imagine in the distant future, it's going to be aliens. They collected a little disc that we sent out into space with our human knowledge. Alien archaeologists are going to be discussing the big pizza tablet for years. Why are we sending a disc without a disc player?

No, we already did that. We sent them a disc player? No, we sent a fucking record into space. And I'm pretty sure it's playing all the time. The golden record. On the Voyager, there's a golden record. What I'm saying is, for Europa, are they going to have a record that plays

non-stop and just says, I need a different pizza. I need a different pizza. Because Are they gonna have like a record that plays non-stop and just says Because Humans keep fucking humans keep fucking sending physical media around It's like a it's like a it's like a message in a bottle that just says brin daniel space big pizza Oh, so now But what about a dictionary or something like what now figure it out. They have to fucking discover language as well? It's like when archaeologists first discovered the pyramids and were trying to decipher hieroglyphics.

It's going to be a bunch of alien archaeologists panning for gold on Europa, and they find the probe, and it's just, what is this? What is this? And they pull it up, and it's like, cinematically, Brent Daniel, big pizza, and they're like, and they find a big pepperoni and a pasta sauce. Could you imagine, like, fighting the golden disc

and then learning all the language you can from it? Putting it together. Brynn Daniel, big pizza. And you're just like, okay, we're onto something. We found civilization. We gotta follow the track. We gotta follow the track. We gotta find the clues. And you finally make it to Europa.

You find this thing. What has humanity left for you? And you open it, and that's just what it says. You did all of that. That's so much work. Thank you, the old doc, for being a revered Bryn Daniel fan. Yeah, that's awesome much work thank you thank you the old doc for being a a revered brendaniel fan the biggest brendaniel fan is going to be an alien like eat decades decades fuck that millennia away dude have you seen i recovered more of the brendaniel streams that he does this joke where

he says spiders and cum and I lose my fucking mind. I don't know what a spiders is and I don't know what a cum is, but it's fucking awesome, dude. Aliens, aliens would figure out cum, I feel. No, but what if they have nitrogen? What if they have gaseous cum? Thank you to our friend for inventing the big pizza gig

for wasting centuries of aliens time. Aliens, if you're listening to this, centuries in the future after wasting your time, welcome. Yeah, if the internet, if the human internet is still alive somehow and you've somehow found this and you've wasted your you're still wasting your time as we talk about this right because you don't fucking know some pst fan is going to do just a boatload of math and put this episode specifically on a flash drive and it's going to be attached to a weather balloon throw it really fucking throw it throw it really fucking hard up in the space and let's hope to be attached to a weather balloon throw it really fucking throw it throw it

really fucking hard up in the space and let's hope that they have usb all right pst fans this is a call to action download this episode flash drive and bury it in your backyard it's like the word it's a time capsule that starts with the fucking a conversation about not knowing what a prostate is. Hold on. No, aliens could really use that. We talked about biology. We talked about the prostate and the funny bone.

Actually, you're right. The most important things in the human body. The funny bone. Dude, I want one day for us to get a nuclear fucking disaster or whatever. And then there's only a few humans left alive. And then they just have to, to you know like fallout type shit and that but except we forgot about the human body and we just

actually think there's a funny bone that make you laugh no there is oh okay it's it's it's a bone in your elbow called the humorous it is very humorous um like a fallout style apocalyptic civilization and you go to the doctor like okay you wake up you're in this apocalyptic civilization and you go to the doctor like, okay, you wake up

you're in this apocalyptic scenario and you are from the past. You go to the doctor and you're like, I don't know what's happening. And the doctor pulls out something. Uh, it's, it's the operation board, like the board from the board game operation. And he's like looking at you and looking at the operation board, like, Hmm board like interesting and he reaches for the funny bone and he's like ah yikes is operations still like popular do kids these days play the classic game operation no they didn't put them in fortnite do kids these days play ball in a cup or is that just me never mind apparently pop it there's a paw patrol operation but you oh never you don't operate on the on the dogs you operate on a picture of the dogs like around the dogs you don't operate the dog mother i've done something to fluffy i didn't

understand what you meant by that and i was gonna say i've got horrible news and operation you don't operate on a man you operate on a picture of a man oh there's another one where it's a pet scan and you do take things out of the dude there's so many versions of operation what the fuck oh it's a pet scan and you do take things out of the... Dude, there's so many versions of Operation. What the fuck? Oh, it's like the board. It's like... We should... That started happening a... Brendan Fraser, the whale. I was going to say a Brendan Daniel.

I was going to say I would love to have a Brendan Daniel Operation board. That'd be fucking awesome. What would be on the Brendan Operation board? In the brain? In the brain, I've already got it, bees. I i mean there's got to be a mountain dew unfortunately for you mountain dew in the stomach mountain dew in the stomach a funny bone piece is always missing lego man in your shoulder oh yeah lego man in your shoulder or your elbow oh that's cute in your elbow yeah the uh the the pipe from world one two uh from Mario. Why that one specifically?

So that you can be suspiciously pipe-shaped Mario. Send me that image on Twitter. It's just Mario. Why are you suspiciously pipe-shaped? Yeah, he just looks like the pipe from World 1-2 in Mario. My hungry ass could never travel between worlds. I would eat all the pipes. Now, that's something I would send to fucking aliens.

Just the fucking picture of world suspiciously pipe shaped Mario. See what they think. They're going to think all humans were suspiciously pipe shaped. You're going to travel forward in time and go to like an alien museum of human history. And it's going to be like the T-Rex in the Smithsonian. But instead of that, it's just fucking it's the it's suspicious. It's a pipe shaped skeleton. Hey, man, they didn't look like that.

Every archaeologist ever. Hey, man, they didn't look like that. Why are we trying so hard to fuck up humanity in the eyes of the aliens? You know what? It just came across my mind. It makes me so mad. What if aliens get the bones right and they're like, oh, this is exactly what humans look like. And like 50 years later, somebody's like, actually, they had feathers and they were a lot smaller.

Yes. I was just thinking, actually, they had feathers. It's the only time I'm anti-science. I hate feathered dinosaurs. Why did every animal have to have feathers? Why would they keep warm? Fuck feathers. I wouldn't fuck around with that.

That sounds awful. It's like plucky. Isn't it because they were looking at fossils that they found and there were little imprints of where feathers used to be? Maybe. No, because it doesn't go to the bone, does it? Chickens don't have that. Yeah, no, chickens don't have that. You cook it off the

epidermis. We gotta be really careful if we're in dinosaur talk because there is going to be someone incredibly steamed in the comment section just fucking typing up three paragraph essays about why we are right or why we are fucking wrong. i dare you to fucking

do that i dare you do don't you dare dinosaur kids dude that's like fucking 80 of our audience hey they can be they can be paleontologist adults what i'm saying is that if you're a fucking dinosaur kid you can fucking drop your little fucking paragraph or whatever the hell you want and all i'm gonna answer with is fucking big chungus and i'll read it i'll be informed i'm just gonna say i can't read we'll be informed can't read dinosaur fan 34 please don't be mad at us feel free to drop your knowledge but do it nicely because i'll cry. XX Diphthiosaurus, please don't send me hate mail again. I'm so sick of it. I just said that dinosaurs are fucking stupid once

and you've come to my house three times. Please stop messaging me. I do like the feathers though because dinosaurs were just various shades of like green, brown, and orange orange before but apparently the feathers are really colorful i'm a big fan of that i think like casually casually not professionally in terms of like dinosaur speak i think there's two types of people people who think that feathered dinosaurs are rad and people who think that reptoid dinosaurs are rad i'm camp feather i think

they look way more rad with the feathers but i do respect and understand that the classic uh green brown red dinosaur like motherfucking tree stars dumb fuck motherfucker is is pretty cool as well and like the godzilla way couldn't even have the decency to call them little foot i said dumb fuck motherfucker we eat the tree stars good enough for me oh they did dude those look so good like land before time it made leaves look good, and Lion King made eating bugs look good, and that's why I am at 30 years old. I am as fucked up as I am.

Not for any other reason, only because of those two movies. Would you go, if you had, like, suspiciously star-shaped leaves in front of you, would you eat them? Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. Would you eat them? Yeah. Okay. I eat them? Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. Would you eat them?

Yeah. Okay. I love salad. Yeah, okay. Yeah. I don't. Fuck salad. My hungry ass could never stand fall.

I would get down on all fours and start eating all the leaves. I hoover them up. I save so much money on rakes and bags. My wife is so mad at me. I keep bringing the leaves to the bedroom. I've got my appendix working overdrive, eating twigs and rocks. You're building yourself a house of leaves.

Aren't we supposed to be leaving leaves where they are and not rake them up? No. I mean, no, they're biodegradable. They go into the soil. All right. As somebody who rakes, no, you shouldn't just leave the leaves because they build up and then you're going to have to take care of them anyway

whenever the winter thaws. Don't they kill your lawn? Yeah, that's why people do it. Because they dehydrate the lawn or something. You can leave a little leaf onto your lawn as a little grass snack, but you have to rake like one leaf at least a fair amount brendan absolutely foiling my

plot in the war on lawns yeah i was gonna spread misinformation why do we even have like lawns why can't we just have cool rocks and he found out he figured it out there's nothing that stops us from like having awesome marble well that's the the thing in thing in Arizona is a lot of people don't have... I mean, when I visited Arizona, too, a lot of people don't have lawns. They just have... Not concrete, babe, but gravel or sand or rock or fake lawns. I had a neighbor back when I lived at my house with my family who had obsidian. They just had obsidian.

What the fuck? Yeah, I don't know what the... That's so bleak. Crazy. That neighbor goes to the nether every fucking week. It's fucked up. They were really big pieces too. There was like three of them just sitting there.

Imagine sleeping at night from your neighbor's house to just hear the gassed Minecraft noise. Just really loudly. Would you be upset if you woke up one day and there was another portal on your lawn i'd be so fucking pissed off i would be so pissed i i don't know what i would do i'd be i mean i i'd call my landlord and be like what the hell is that catch my ass with a diamond pickaxe just out in front of my house yelling at my neighbors who the fuck put this up who the fuck put this up? Who the fuck put this up? I'd block their fucking door.

I think I'd be upset if it had the cobblestone corners, because then I know that whoever put it there is too broke for a diamond pickaxe still. Oh, yeah, because they put it up with a fucking, yeah, they use the bucket. Yeah, that'd be scary, because what if a little penguin comes out? What if somebody puts a nether portal in your lawn and it's just 40 to 50 feral fucking hogs or javelinas just starting to walk out of there? My lawn.

Are they aggroed? They are aggroed, 100% aggroed. Okay, I was going to say, if they weren't, I'd make them. I'm going to my front lawn and I'm swinging. Imagine all the rotten flesh you would get. Wait, no, they don't drop rotten flesh. They drop pork chops. Dude, holy shit.

I haven't played so much Minecraft for the last week. You'd be loaded, honestly. I don't know why we're not fucking doing this. Why we're not putting nether portals in front of our house? Yeah, why aren't we all doing this? This is such a hack. This is like a click hole article. This one easy hack will save you tons of money on groceries.

Put a nether portal in your lawn. GTA money hack real life. So the aliens today, they learned about prostate. They learned about nether and they learned about how we got us to. We're just talking like the nether portal from Minecraft is real. It's just like. It is. I've seen it.

We're just talking like aliens are going to find this for real what do you mean this civilization could summon hogs that we need to figure out their hog summoning rituals yeah they don't know what a hog is and these hogs are fucking evil too these aren't the good hogs these are the evil hogs watch out if a zombie pigman came out of the nether portal and knocked on your door and politely asked for sugar would you give him some why would i give him sugar what does he need well he just needs to borrow some imagine if that's how history isn't that just kind of like how history really works like if you actually went back in time and talked to alchemists and you talked to them about like oh how do i turn shit into gold they'd be like

that's just a joke dude that's just a bit nobody believes that you're a fucking idiot and then now in the future everybody's like yeah they were trying to like turn shit into gold were they i don't know i can't go back and ask that's like a in common parlance that's like uh one of the tropey things that's brought up whenever alchemy is brought up it's like i gotta turn uh i gotta turn silver or steel into gold i gotta turn uh human girl into dog no i get I get it. That's from the anime. A full metal alchemist. Full metal alchemist. That's how we should

have the podcast segmented like that. Just like, please stop talking. Did you know that in the US, your ISB or internet service provider can see every single website you visit? Not only that, but they can also legally sell this information without your consent to ad companies and tech giants who use this data to target you.

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Oh, fuck. Such a weird, deranged episode. I don't know. I don't even know what the fuck is going on. We just keep jumping from apples to oranges, oranges to apples. I'm so happy because we were all so tired, low energy, and now we're just like going. Did you, speaking of apples, did I talk about the, fuck, I'm bringing up Brendan History, Bristery.

I talked about my grandpa tricks, right? Like he tricked me into eating the sticker of the apple and now I do it every time I eat the apple sticker first. Yeah. So like I eat the stickers off the apple. I stopped doing it for a while. But when my grandpa passed, I keep doing it in his honor now. And then I also eat the fortune out of the fortune cookie because my grandpa told me that's the only way it can come true. You're supposed to eat the fortune out the fortune cookie for it to come true.

I don't know if this is a bit anymore This isn't a bit this is a real story And now since my grandpa passed I eat the fortune every time I got a belly full of paper Put a stamp on me and you could mail me A new thing to add to the branded operation board Put a book of stamps in it

What are you doing What are you talking about? You're fucking lying. I'm not lying. This is not a lie. He's doing the Brendan lie. He's doing a Brendan lie. You could message my wife right now.

No. Is she home? She's at work, but she might respond, but she could literally, she could literally vouch. I eat the paper out of the fortune cookie

every time. It's not a bad. No, you fucking don't. Yes, I do. Dude, I will turn on my camera and I time it's not a bad no you fucking don't yes i do dude i will turn on my camera and i will eat paper right now no i don't yeah well i could fucking do it too if you prompt me i like i'm not above eating paper for entertainment fortune cookie every time that's not a that's not a brendan gaslight that's a real thing one time in middle school we had a kid eat a styrofoam plate because we thought he wouldn't do it. And then he just did it just to prove us wrong. Oh, my God.

Belly full of napalm. I feel like I've done something like that to a kid as well. I made a kid make a cigarette with grass clippings. I need to clarify. We didn't make this kid do it. We said, hey, you wouldn't eat that paper plate. And he folded it up like a taco and just took chunks out of it and actually swallowed it. We said, hey, you wouldn't eat that paper plate. And he folded it up like a taco and just took chunks out of it

and like actually swallowed it. We were like, you need to stop doing that. Yeah, for us, it was the same. We didn't, we didn't go to the guy

and we're like, hold him down and force feed him paper. Did I ever talk about the time me and my friends in high school pranked one of our friends so bad that we made him cry? That's not funny.

Okay, but it is funny because it has a happy ending. We got him pizza and we, we, we, we promised to never do it is funny because it has a happy ending we got him pizza and we we we promised to never do it again that's pretty awesome okay actually um so this is in high school this is like senior year of high school it's myself my friend david uh and my my friend austin um and we all are bored uh austin is like watching their their grandparents house so we've been over there a bunch because their grandparents are gone like

we were like dude we could so watch captain america the first captain america movie like five times that we couldn't get in trouble or anything so So I devised, David and I, because he would bring out the worst in me, we devised this prank on our friend Sam. And we were going to hang out with Sam after, like we were going to invite him over, but we wanted to like prank him first. So first I call him on my cell phone and then I cut it off immediately.

I'm like, hey, Sam, what's up? Oh my God. And then I fucking turned my phone off. Like I closed it, I end the call. I have David call him back pretending to be me carrying a conversation on for like three to five minutes and sam just keeps asking why do you sound weird why do you brendan and then we call sam from the austin's grandpa's house phone pretending to be the police investigating my death. What?

And then I have David call him again. I have David call him again acting really suspicious like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And only saying like, yeah, and no, yeah. I tell him, get really breathy with it. Start sounding really weird. Sam calls me again freaking out thinking that I had been murdered.

He had built this narrative in his head from this little like, oh, we're stupid high schoolers. We're going to do something dumb. And he is like panic attack, freaking out. And I have to be like, okay, end, end, end. So we go, we pick him up, we get him pizza, we apologize. But for a moment there, he did legitimately think that I had been killed and the serial killer was calling him. Oh, my God. I still feel bad about that. Every time I see Sam around town, I apologize for it.

That's a little intense. That's really intense, but at least you got pizza so i guess it's okay you did get pizza and we did apologize profusely throughout the night we watched so much captain america dude i don't know the only pranks i do are like super tame and like borderline gas lighting uh at work sometimes i like to just like see people leave their golf carts somewhere when they're doing stuff because i work in a park uh and i'll just go over turn them on and turn them around and then leave when they're not looking that's like the extent of it like you like they're parked somewhere and you just park it backwards i don't know i

think i mean i get bored at work man what the hell what a lot of golf carts in my work right i work in a park no but what do you mean reverse like i it's parked facing one way and i take it and i turn it around and i park it facing the other way i don't think i would even i don't think i don't even realize if you do you're gonna get confused if you do i've never stuck around to see people get confused i leave that wasn't that way before 10 that's a good one do you think they all call you the like the card they're like oh that card i mean i don't do it that often when i was at gamestop we had this big cardboard cutout of shack that was life-sized and

i would try to find ways to scare my manager with it so i would place it directly behind the door i would hang it on the ceiling like above the break room i like put it in the uh the defective room like the storeroom i'd put it in the bathroom i would hide it out back when he was taking out trash any night he would close while we had this cutout i would try to hide it ways that a wouldn't damage the cutout b ways that would make him go oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck it's just shack again god damn it i'll be mean to there's a cardboard cutout of kevin hart in somebody's office that did that to me a couple of times but they don't move it so now i'm just used to it but the first couple times i was like jesus fucking christ i don't know who that is and i

turned it to kevin hart who would own a fucking kevin because we we had it for an event and it was just left over so somebody just took it and put it in an office what was the event did you put him in a fucking zoo no it was like uh advertising tequila or something oh it was like an event where people just show up and get trashed it's like the whole point of a lot of events like that at zoos i don't know why It's like the whole point of a lot of things like that at zoos. I don't know why it's like a great fundraising event. Hundred dollars come and get fucking tanked at the zoo. No, I mean, like every zoo has so many different events that are always like beer.

Like, oh, you get local beers and get shit faced while looking at a panda. And it's like, I mean, maybe not a panda. I don't because because a lot of them also call it brew at the zoo. It's that easy. Yeah, brew at the zoo. Wow. Me when I... Because a lot of them also call it brew at the zoo. It's that easy? Yeah, brew at the zoo. Wow. Me when I'm a witch and I'm so excited about brew at the zoo, but actually I'm not allowed to take the animals and put them in my cauldron.

I show up and it's a fucking micro-brews, not a big bubbling cauldron. Why are they drinking beer? I wanted to make a cackling brew. What does a cackling brew do? What if you drink the brew? It's a giggle brew. You ain't never drink aackling brew. What does a cackling brew do? What if you drink the brew? It's a giggle brew. You ain't never drinking giggle brew. Never drinking butter beer.

Never drinking giggle brew. I've never had a brr-brr beer. No, never mind. Mike's hard giggle brew. Yeah, dude, I'd fucking go crazy. I'd go nutso for that. I would love that. Just have a little bit of giggle brew. What if you went to the store,

you walk into the gas station or the liquor store, you go over to the refrigerator and it's full of one flavor and it's just Mike's hard ass. What do you mean, Mike's? It just says ass in it. Does it just have a picture of a butt? And every time you open

it, instead of making the crisp bottle open sound, it makes a fart sound. Nice. Nice. I'm on some real dubious giggle brew right now. What's the label on there? Just a big old fart? It just says Mike's Hard Ass and it's a clean black label with white

text, no images, no calories. And when you open it, the liquid disappears. Yeah, because it's a gas dumbass your mom's in a gaseous form a can is it just a can full of laughing gas no it's a can full of laughing ass it's not funny it's funny for me holy shit i'm slapping my hands on the fucking desk and yelling it's funny to me damn it it's I'm slapping my hands on the fucking desk and yelling. It's funny to me. Damn it.

It's nonny. It's nonny. It's nonny. Snoozy and so bad. Hopefully it's a big piss. I'm sorry. Oh my God. Too big of a piss.

It's a regular piss. What's happening? What if you went up? What if you're at a sporting event and you walk into the bathroom and somebody's at the urinal, but they're just pissing so hard that the flow is pushing them back up against the wall? It's like they're holding a fire hose. I would be so upset if it was one of those stadium troughs where you just gather around and piss in a circle. You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah. It would bother me. I'd be like, hey man, could you do that somewhere somewhere else but this motherfucker got the spray and pray somewhere else when i when i was a kid and we were on a road trip one time my grandpa refused to stop to let us like piss on the side of the road and my little brother really had to go so we just rolled down the window and just started pissing off the side of the car man i hope there was there was somebody behind them they were not behind them for long because they saw the spray of liquid and they slowed the fuck down i'm pretty sure piss got

all over their windshield oh no that's awful do you think at first they just thought that uh you guys did the like windshield wiper fluid like when i think at first and then they were like oh fuck oh there's a lot of it. Oh, okay. Windshield's on. Back up, back up. They're spraying some kind of liquid. I don't think they realized it was piss probably until they got home. Why does my car smell

suspiciously like piss? That's awful. That's horrible. I asked permission at the beginning of this episode can i flip the psycho switch uh i mean thinking of like awful and speaking of this podcast sheena you had a story you wanted to tell oh man hey guys this is where i brought the show until today oh shoot in high school my school offered the option to learn Japanese as your language.

And, you know, a Japanese class will attract a certain kind of people. I absolutely understand. Like the itty-dokie-moss kind of people. Yes. There was a guy in there who said he didn't want to associate with anyone who wasn't Japanese. We get those type of people in there. I understand intimately. So this was probably freshman year or sophomore year of high school. I was 14, 15, roughly.

And I was just hanging out with my friend, talking about games. And I guess like Steam was mentioned at some point and this guy he he's pretty he's pretty big the big guy kind of leans in on the conversation like did you guys just say steam i mean my friend yeah gamer yeah he says like he didn't say that but it was very much like a girl gamer kind of yeah and we were just like confused like what are you and he said can can i add you and we can play games sometime and this was during a period where i was trying to reform myself i admit that middle school me not a very nice person sometimes so this was me during a time where i was trying to over correct so even though this guy was giving off weird vibes i was like okay i'll add you on steam and we can play games sometimes maybe he's just like nervous

and he's looking to make friends i'll call this person what's your name jumumbo chumbo so yeah i add chumbo on steam and i still have screenshots yeah oh my god the the dude's name yeah it's just like it's really long japanese it's like it's like it's you can't say we can't say it but my name is jonathan the shining brilliance yeah basically basically and uh so i we add each other i go home and we have like a conversation like maybe like three days into being added on on steam and we talked about games that we liked and i think he mentioned tf2 and i said oh i don't really like tf2 and i think it was because i tried playing it with a friend at the time and it didn't work so i freaking disliked the game and i also said how things looked and felt didn't really fit

me and he said yeah you're more of a 32 double a and i for those of you who were like me and don't understand what that means that is a bra size and that is a very small bra size i i read that in the messages and my eyes like bulged out of my head i forgot about that part and i said i have no idea what that means he explains further 32 is a band size xd and i said band like a group of people band rubber band no this is not even me trying to deflect i just didn't understand where his mind was at because that is such a weird thing to say. It's so off the cuff. It's completely out of nowhere. He clears it up more like broadband. I say, I'm sorry, what?

He has the gall to say, never mind. I'm being fed false information. Oh, whatever that means. Okay. Then he asks what my bra size is. i've only known this guy for like three days i make a typo and then the the conversation derails i mean it just changes and we don't really talk i like that i like that it ends with this dude just going away chumbo was now away he just fucking set himself as a way to not get notified anymore oh this dude got fucking got so i was like okay um you know maybe because i was trying to like

be nice and more understanding i figured you know maybe today was an off day for Jumbo. I'll just let it be. It's a bad day for Jumbo. It's an off day for Jumbo. Oh, my God. The convenience store was out of Ramune, and I couldn't get any Pocky. All my days are ruined, and I cannot feast upon this day. I'm going to go ask this girl what their bra size is. I have had a terrible day. My mother has confiscated all my instant ramen i must ask

this m'lady about her bra size oh my god me looking at that message you're talking about 32 aa no i don't have 32 double a batteries what are you talking about we stay friends on steam and eventually we start we do start playing games together it's mostly payday 2 we played a lot of payday 2 um he and his friends would invite me to play and it was fun like his friends are genuinely like kind of cool and oh my god this was back on skype days days before discord oh man yeah but sometimes he would kind of like have to push me into playing or he would ask me hey you want to play payday 2 with the boys and i said uh not today i got like some homework to do i should probably do that and he said no you can't do that can't leave the boys

waiting and i was like you're so right but it's just kind of weird and one night after all the boys left the the call and it was just me and Chumbo, Chumbo said, hey, I have a proposition. This is not going to be a business proposition where it's like, do you want to run a takoyaki stand in the middle of town with me? I can guarantee. Good ending is to run a takoyaki stand with me, but I'm excited to hear the bad ending. This is most definitely the bad ending this is most definitely the bad ending i said yeah what's your what's the proposition he says i think it would be really funny if we pretended to i'm i'm like oh my god

it's so much weirder and this is not like in dms this is in a call this guy had the strength to say that out loud to me oh my god and i didn't have the strength to say anything back i was shocked so i was my immediate reaction would be okay i have a proposition for you what if we fight on top of millennium tower and i throw you off i don't even know i don't even know how to process any of this i think brendan's got the best response yeah that ever yakuza fight on top of millennium all of this is so much but they're not getting seven health bars they're getting half a health bar and i'm getting the heat action right away so i was in the same spot billy where i just didn't know how to process that so i was just

sitting there silently trying to process what he just asked me and he said great i'll see you tomorrow honey and hung up what do you mean great what do you mean what do you mean honey i'm getting a heartburn i'm getting a heartburn actually what the hell what the fuck oh i left did my homework and it was cool the next day i don't think it could i don't think i would be able to sleep after that i just have it stuck in my head i was just so tired oh man school comes along guess who has japanese that day us me and chumbo chumbo time chumbo comes along says hey honey i i got i got these m&ms for you and i said thanks i took the m&ms because if i'm gonna get anything out of this i'll take some m&ms break this you said i got sorry i got the same energy of that have you have y'all seen the the

deku asmr role play where they're, hey, hey, puppy, I just got back from Popeye's. And I have the same energy. You want a bite of my chicken breast? I've never seen that. That's awful. Both of these are awful. Sorry, I did not mean to interrupt you. I just immediately thought of that.

It's funny um yeah i i take the m&ms because like you know if i'm gonna go through this situation if i'm gonna suffer through this my prize might as well be some m&ms so i i took them i ate them across the the classroom from him we have our we have our little class and he just kind of kept calling me honey like it was a couple more times because i was trying to stay away from him and he just like wasn't getting the message so i unfriended him and all of his friends on steam and it was a peaceful week until japanese class until the next week i come home from school and I see a bunch of notifications on Skype. And it's everyone adding me back. And I said, I have to put an end to this.

I accept Chumbo's friend request and start messaging him. I said, amen. I don't want to be like rude or anything, but I have to tell you that I don't really want to talk to you anymore because you're being weird to me. I, I'm tired of playing, playing Fade A. The bra thing was weird and your proposition was really weird here we go his response is sorry about that i was uh not exactly sober in quotation marks not sober what do you mean i was at a religious holiday earlier i guess i can't handle a tiny cup of wine i was supposed to have me when i blame it on the alcohol.

I floored. Oh my god. I was going to church and getting fucking crunked out my mind off the communion wine. Instead I decided to just take the whole bottle

i'm all wafered out dude i see because back then i was a lot more blunt so even though this guy was not my closest friend i just say dude what what he then explained they have this wine you're supposed to offer they let yeah the communion wine, right? I don't know nothing about any religion. I don't know much. I vaguely think that there is wine. Yeah, he says, they have this wine you're supposed to offer. They let the spirits drink the soul of it.

Then you drink it yourself. Man, what the fuck? What is he talking about? They let the spirits drink the soul of it then you drink it yourself man what the fuck i what is he talking about let the spirits drink the soul of it i don't yeah i for a second i was like i mean yeah that is a thing church jumbo's going crazy jumbo's a yumbie i asked him so when was this he responds that day sorry about all of this i guess i asked him why did you continue this at school what still still drunk offline he did i i doubt you could not be sober for like three days and the conversation leads up to like kind of like understanding is like i understand it was weird i'm sorry his explanation does not make sense like he was just trying he was just panicking

he came up with something because when he says that day i'm thinking like which one there are multiple days where you're being weird to me the conversation begins to close off and he says thanks for being there though um and i i tell him you know just let let your friends know why i don't want to play anymore why i'm not going to talk to them or you um i know you're freaking lying but i'll just i'll just take it at face value and be done with it it's not even worth it yeah and he says i i lied because i can't handle telling the truth man this is really hard for me can you can you give me some answers for why i had to go through all of this oh man i feel bad he says in all caps i love you you spelled with the letter u sorry he said there we go can't talk to girls and i feel bad for this too but my only response was oh

oh he types more and i i i ask are you are you gonna be okay and the conversation ends never it's okay though it's supposed to be painful so I don't forget oh my god Howard oh my god after that message

I would never speak to him again until senior year when we had to do a history project together and I was freaking shaking in my boots, but nothing weird happened. Oh, Chumbo. That is strange, Chumbo. Weird guy. I hope he learned to talk to people.

Chumbo was lost at sea two years ago. It's unfortunate, but Chumbo picked up crab fishing and they were lost at sea. It's supposed to hurt. Speaking of supposed to hurt, Patreon questions. If you're part of the $5 and above tiers, you can ask our bra sizes. Don't do that. You're going to be disappointed when I tell you. You're going to be so disappointed. It's not even near 32 a 44 h i just said letters

letters numbers oh fuck wasabi asks you're surrounded by an angry mob which pst members limb do you tear off for a weapon uh i think honestly yours is the tallest i'm gonna no 10 is taller than me that is taller than i'm gonna no 10 is taller than me that is taller than me by an inch 10 is taller yes 10 is also younger and i would i would i would not grab a limb i'm grabbing billy by the feet and swinging billy around why because one yakuza heat action two i would assume why would i be a yakuza heat action i think if there's a mob i think hitting people one i, I think hitting people... One, I just think hitting people with people is fucking awesome.

And two, I think I could probably swing you the best. Real answer, I'm going to jump on Ten's back and we're going to form a Megatron. Brenten. Brenten. Oh, Brenten. I like Brenten. But nobody's things were ripped.

Yeah, I mean, I took some creative liberty on the question. If I was going to really rip off a limb, it'd probably be my own arm because I don't want to hurt my friends. I don't know. I don't feel like I would be able to. Do I have a saw or do I have to do it with sheer fucking force of will? I think it would just pop off like a Lego. In this instance, you have one limited time superpower.

So there's no blood or anything. You could just pop off somebody's arm or limb like a Lego. I can instance you have one there's no blood or anything it just goes off somebody's arm or limb like a lego i can barely lift my own arm i don't know about lifting someone else's what's a limb what's a limb somebody doesn't need i clearly we're not thinking mandy is armored so do the most damage so real for the we could take the leg off like you don't we're all gamers we don't walk i have to walk for my job me too i i need my legs you know well you go on disability then you don't have a leg anymore think about how cool all right like i don't know i losing losing a limb the coolest part about losing a limb is you get to make up all kinds of fucked up stories about how you lost the limb my

grandpa lost his leg when i was a kid and he would constantly make up stories about how a shark bit his leg off at the local lake. I feel like you don't even need to do that. Like invent a crazy thing that might've happened to your limb when it's literally, oh, I was in a giant fight against a mob and somebody just popped it off

like it was a Lego piece. I feel like that's enough of a story of its own to be fair it doesn't say that you can't put it back on so can you put it back on if you pop it up like a lego with a limited time superpower you need no we need like we need consequences to our actions i say it doesn't come back on you're thinking that balder's gate i'm thinking starfield no consequences to any of my actions i get to experience all the content no i don't think you should be able to experience all the content if it happens you should be fucking okay i'll remember this i'll remember this you think consequences should

happen i'll remember this because there will be consequences i'll work and no play makes brendan a dull boy oh he's doing the thing i'll remember this i'm always i'm just fine i'll survive i'd pop off somebody's legs because we're gamers and we don't walk. That's my final answer. I don't know. I feel like Julians are wiggly enough you could use them like a whip. I like the thing they would do.

You know when you wiggle aluminum when you wiggle aluminum to make lightning noises, that's what it would sound like. You know? Level 3 Ranger asks asks you get to hit one thing really hard with a baseball bat with no negative repercussions what is it and why declaration of independence yeah just be really fucking funny to like break something that's uh all revered so high i mean if it's paper though if you hit paper with a baseball bat is it gonna

break really no but it's behind a case. So, I mean... Oh, you mean like smash the case? Yeah, I mean like smash the case and ruin the paper. I don't know why. I'd probably just get in a washing ton of trouble. Well, no, because there's no negative repercussions. I mean, yeah, exactly, if I did it normal style, but I'm not doing it normal style.

What's something that would usually start a war between nations, but since there are no negative repercussions, I could just do it. I feel like if we answer this, we could get in a lot of trouble. Me fucking. All right. All right.

Real, real answer. Me bad at the ready. They put my ass inside the particle accelerator and the atoms are coming really fast at me. I'm going to fucking knock one out of the park. I'm going to set us back on course. That fucking particle accelerator i don't even know what a particle accelerator dude i'll show you how to split an atom bitch

does it just kind of tickle with the particle accelerator i assume being in there would probably like either kill you well i mean quantum break literally is a video game about getting stuck inside the particle accelerator so you get stuck in it and then you get out you get time power yeah you get a time power that doesn't sound too bad like i'd love to be in better call saul or something i could i don't know lawyer i've never seen the show call saul yeah i've never seen the show okay i don't fucking know i don't know what they do they i know there's a lawyer and some drugs i think good job what i want this is nothing to do with anything i kind of want to get one of those marble mazes that when you when when i was a kid you guys know what i mean where it's like uh it's the little silver balls

and they're in a maze and you have to get the ball into the maze like in the hole no it's just like it's just like uh from the top and there's like multiple little things and you make a maze out of it like what you're talking about like one of these like imagine the toddler is me okay one of these oh like oh yeah like at the doctor's office these are so fucking cool dude i would fucking go crazy we had um we had those in talented and gifted we actually had a like a competition to see who could make like the most fucked up one, I think, back in fourth grade. This has nothing to do with anything. We got to get back on track.

Let me look up some bongs real quick. Oh, yes. Oh, fuck. Okay, let's do one last question. There's a weirdly... There's two cryptid questions. Two cryptid. Yeah, I was going to say.

It's my fault. Did you talk about having sex with cryptids? I talked about dating monsters once, and I talked about fighting monsters once, so it's probably my fault. Did you talk about having sex with cryptids? I talked about dating monsters once, and I talked about fighting monsters once, so it's probably my fault. That would explain it. Clydeus? Clydeus the Koi.

Clydeus the Koi asks, Oh no, you got lost in the woods and were never heard from ever again. What cryptid would sprout from the legends of each of your disappearances is it a cryptid that already exists are we making up the cryptid right now no you become a cryptid because you did like i did i was stick man i thought i was stick man was a real one definitely a real one absolutely now you have to figure out another one i'm trying to muddy

the water here yeah i'm trying to figure out like it. I'm trying to muddy the water here. Yeah. I'm trying to figure out, like... It's fucked up, but I have literally a list of made-up cryptids. Oh, I mean, give us your list. Oh, I can't be... Well, it's for a canceled video, so I guess I can. Oh, I mean, you decide, gamer. You're the gamer. You're the gamer.

I can. Let me see if I can find it. We'll build upon the foundation you lay. Give me a state. Arkansas. Arkansas. Arkansas. will build upon the foundation you lay uh give me a state arkansas uh arkansas uh the cryptids name is guy who's lived there his whole life but still thinks it's a sub-state of kansas that's not a cryptid what maryland maryland uh the cruster they say that a child they say that you say the cruster cruster they say that a child died in maryland after eating

the only eating only the crusts off of other sandwiches. That's good. I like that one. No, New Jersey. Well, there's a Jersey devil in New Jersey. The Jersey angel. Yeah, it is. The Jersey angel is what I have right now.

What do you mean the Jersey angel? This is a cool cat who wears sunglasses and compliments you when he sees you, but you gotta admit that you're still gonna shit your pants when a talking cat says, hey, nice shoes. He walks around in the woods and wears a black-white feeder and a gold chain with his initials on it. What's a fucked up state? We gotta go for one of the fucked up states. Wyoming. Wasn't done with the

script, so I didn't have one for that one. That's one of the alphabetical. Kansas. Kansas. Tornado Ally. Kansas tornado ally what does that mean if you find this little cyclone romping around the hell that is Kansas you can use him to get a jump boost to the next level like the

wind flute from Mario 3 yeah it's like a little cyclone and you jump on it to get a jump boost I like that one a lot I love the name it's like a little cyclone and you jump on it to get a jump boost. I like that one a lot. I love the name. It's so good. We're just talking about Brendan's made of crimson. Give me a state. Yeah.

Ohio. Ohio. The loaf-oaf. The loaf-oaf. A child accidentally baked into a big loaf of bread in a horrible bakery accident. A child accidentally baked into a big loaf of bread in a horrible bakery. It's the loaf of. Oh, I feel like he would make like the worst sandwich. You make the worst sandwich.

We all bumpy and fucked up. I'm not like a lot of people on this podcast. I'm not six feet tall. Sorry, I can't stop thinking about the low so stupid so dumb oh fuck yeah i don't have the qualities to be scary but i i think i can pull off being like a creepy voice echoing throughout the the woods recently when whenever i'm just in distress and it could be over the smallest thing i i will i would just start like whisper screaming help or saying i'm a i'm going to throw up so that's probably the things i the kind of things i would be saying in the woods and uh i guess the legend would be um yeah if you

follow that voice you will become one of the many voices i have captured and you will also start screaming help and saying i'm going to throw up become a big pizza that's my legend i don't know what the name would be i would be the glomp romp and i would just i can't fucking believe you're just building rainforest lives oh shut up i don't like it anymore i'm taking it back no if you go camping in the woods and you have beer in your cooler you'll wake up the next morning and they'll all have been shotgunned me i'm just in the woods now not even a monster not a monster just an alcoholic just a hey for the term party dude regular old party dude better not go into the woods they say there's a craft brewery out there whoa that was so good i love that i i think i would also dress up as a old appellation like mountain man and warn people

on the trail and then steal all their beer in the middle of the night. Just really lean into it. You would just warn them and then just fuck with them. You just warn them and then do it anyways. You better not bring no alcohol into the hills. You gotta be careful. They got the grog grabber up there. Oh, grog gobbler.

You got the grog gobbler. Oh, the grog gobbler. I love that one. You've gotta take a bottle of gin and pour it all the way around in a protective circle and i won't care anymore i hate gin too floral i like to think it's like the georgia the georgia grog gobbler this is a good answer georgia grog gobbler and then he just fucking steal yours beers it doesn't do anything other than shot get all the beers in your cooler in the middle like but like and he's if you run out of beers the grog gobbler will shotgun you

oh yeah so you have to keep one at least one one fucking uh keep a six pack on you otherwise the grog gobbler will drink you you've gotta tie him up in a bag and hang him from a tree like you do for bears you wake up and there's just dude

I like to think he's super loud about it too like he yeah oh super fucking loud like after like the 50th one and then he just starts you gotta stay in your 10 or else he comes at you with a shotgun tool just like parentheses car keys he comes at you with car keys what else am i supposed to punch him open i was doing it with my thumb one time when i was uh tailgating i slashed my thumb open and i didn't realize where the fuck would you do that because i dude people kept handing me beers before a browns game and i was in a park i was in the muni lot that dumb as hell yeah it was not good my friend was like hey you're bleeding by the way and he's like here

i got something and he poured mike's heart on it and stopped bleeding but it hurt really bad oh my god oh what it's that's sticky as shit yeah it was but i also had like 15 beers before i even made it to the stadium so i did not give a fuck oh my god it's a silly answer but there is something kind of scary about the thought of like someone as big as 10 freaking beelining it like through the woods towards a camp towards going through your cooler yeah and the person is just like in their tent like he's here he's just here you just hear cans cracking, like, gurgling and chugging. Outside. Absolutely shitting myself around the campfire

because I heard a can crack in the middle of the woods. It's not me. Oh, man, all we're doing is fucking positing Blair Witch, but they're drunk. Blair Witch, but she's crunked out of her fucking mind. No, Blair Witch, but everybody's drunk. Even Witch but she's crunked out of her fucking mind. No, Blair Witch but everybody's drunk. Even the witch. She just half-asses

the little like stick dolls. She just like half-asses it and she's just putting sticks in the ground like I don't fucking care. She puts an extra stick on the crotch area and she laughs. Bro, the stick doll's got a dick now. Instead of tied up it's a bunch of twigs held together by a fucking pop tab off the can.

Oh, fuck. I feel like you would make a pretty good cryptid. I mean, this is the greatest way. This guy just invents cryptids. I do invent cryptids. Like the Iowa stick man, I know it's starting to permeate through, but I have had one experience

and it's Mandy is more cryptid than me. I think we're on the same scale, but on like we're on the same like spectrum, but on like different parts of the, like the cryptid spectrum, like in Chicago where Mandy magically appeared in front of me is like the scariest moment of my life. But also doing that.

Yeah, I'm very weird up front. Mandy is very weird distant. I see what you're saying. You're like Goosebumps and Mandy's like Dark Abyss. Alone in the Dark? Yeah. I'm like Goosebumps.

Mandy's like reading Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis. That guy turns into a big bug. they put bug on the pizza now hey thanks so much for listening. This episode would not have been possible without the help from our patrons, such as... Alan Diver, Art of Vagan, Pure, Bland But Funny, Boo Poo Lou, Caffeine Addicted Chemist, Cheese Dreams, Chris Chapman, Dasul Burt, Delling City, Dreams of Ice, Ducky Madness, DX Studios, Eric Scott Gillies, Ethereal, Generic Phoenix, Handsome Destiny, Hater 115, John Requires Lasagna, Kawaii Boy Toy, Leo the Geotech,

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