Please Stop Talking - Pass The Cath | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: April 3, 2020

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That's the clapping, but bottles. Sorry, I stopped talking because I was about to sneeze i'm sorry wait are we really going with that wait are we recording is the episode starting i don't know yeah we all said we're recording i mean i'm recording i'm saying are we is this the episode i blew it to the bottle and i said welcome to the podcast all right that didn't register as you're doing intro. Yeah, that sounded more like you going... I can't... It sounded like you struggling

to breathe and then saying welcome to the podcast. Yeah, it sounded like me turning on my catheter. Give me a second. Turning on your catheter? What? Isn't that that thing for your lungs that helps you breathe? Yeah, the CPAP machine for your piss. That's the one.

Doesn't the C stand for catheter? No, I guess we are starting with this. Ed, do you want to know what a catheter is? It's either, okay, I might be mistaken. It might either be artificial lungs or artificial anus. No, it's neither. Oh, it's neither? Catheter is the tube that goes up your pee-hee.

Oh, it's my pee-pee tube. Yeah, exactly. It's medical sounding. Well, I definitely can't blow into that. Yeah. Or turn it on, whatever the fuck that means. I've got a catheter with a generator. I've got to pull the cord and rev it. Shit, dude, I can't get hard. Let me power got a catheter with a generator. I gotta pull the cord and rev it.

Gotta rev up the catheter. Let me power cycle my catheter. I gotta go to Dollar General and get double A batteries for Poppy's catheter. No, you know that thing takes D's. I guess we are starting with this. Hang on, my mic is too loud.

I gotta drop it to 50%. There it is. I can tell when my mic is loud when I laugh and it hits the ceiling. I'm revving it up again. Give me a second. Are you? No, that was the intro.

We're not cutting the part where you say turn on the catheter. We're not cutting that. We're doing it again for realsies. We are doing it for realsies. I We're doing it again for realsies. We are doing it for realsies. I know we're doing it for... I know the podcast meat of it is for realsies, but I'm... Because the intro was weak, I do agree. Those were some weak revs.

But the... What the fuck? Never, bro. And we can't cut you doing the intro because the entire opening... We're not cutting it. I'm not saying let's cut it. Oh my god, why did you do it again then? Because I was doing it for real. I was. I'm going to lose my goddamn life.

I fucking hate this episode already. Hey Ed, remember that one time we got kicked out of a bar at PAX and we forgot to say it on the last episode of the podcast? I do remember that. But while I'm at it, I might as well rev this up again because now I feel like the spotlight's on me. Give me a second. I'm not going I might as well rev this up again, because now I feel like the spotlight's on me. Give me a second. I'm not going to let it go.

I swear there's like a perfect angle for this. I'm just not finding it. And I swear to God, I'm going to beat the shit out of you, please. Oh my God. What if I get decals on my catheter? Like, just flames on it? It's a racing catheter.

Dude, you're going to cathet so fast. Because I'm confused. What's it for? Why am I getting a tube in my wiener? Are you going to be a professional cath racer? It's for when you can't control when you're peeing. But how does a tube help? Because it goes into your bladder.

Because it just goes out on its own into the tube and into the fucking catheter bag. Oh, there's a bag involved? Yeah. What did you think it was for? It's a goo tube. I thought it was like for jazzling, but for Weiner. No. You just put a tube in it.

It's medical. You put a tube in your jacket. Oh, I need a prescription? I don't think you need a prescription. I think you just need to have... You need a prescription for my catheter. Is that medical or recreational catheters? You have to be bedridden.

It's for bedridden patients. Recreational catheters is just sounding. It's just bad sounding. I know it. Sounding, I do know what it is. Congratulations, Ed. I'm proud of you. Hey, no problem.

I mean, no problem. I didn't thank you. Can you guys tell I'm tired? I'm tired and hungover, and I can tell you're fucked. I mean, I don't know. It's not every day you find out what a catheter is. It took me, like, years to find out what constipated meant. Bro, same.

Same. What do you mean it took you years? Both of you. Were you on a fucking spiritual journey trying to understand constipation? Because, motherfucker, I learned English when I was very young, right? But there was a couple words that had the same equivalent in Portuguese. So constipated is a word in English. And constipado, which is spelled the same way,

like almost the same way except for the last couple letters, means you have a cold. Constipa? So I went around my fucking school sneezing, sorry, I'm constipated. And no one told me for years what i was telling them because they just forgot that you told me you told me about this on the road trip to colorado and people just thought oh it's that

weird kid that can't shit and he goes around telling people that he can't shit every time he sneezes and i and i did that for years until I was like 13 and someone told me are you sure? Do you know what you're saying? And I went yeah I have a cold I'm constipated and they went oh no and then I found out

I love that you knew have a cold was how you say it in English and you were still walking around saying sorry I'm constipated You knew have a cold Yeah constipated is one word constipated is more syllables than you go to the doctor and tell them you can't shit no you tell them you're constipated same principle no you tell them you have a cold do you talk to random people the same way you talk to your doctor? Do you not? I'm trying to be polite here.

Yeah, do the bottle intro again. Okay, one second. Rev it up, bro. Wait, no, that'd be four. Are you sure? What? I can't find the right angle. I keep trying, like, different distances. Dude, am i still

dreaming am i going to wake up dude fuck me i got a good one fuck okay whatever welcome to the podcast all right david i heard you had a story where you and ed got kicked out of a bar at pax yeah we did get uh fucking kicked out of a bar right ed please tell it i don't remember it i was drunk as shit is this gonna be another beaver story where the the point of the story is that you got kicked out and you gave the game away immediately no no no no no so we were at pax let me try to recollect everything so i don't miss out on any details basically we were at pax we went to the uh the main hotel bar you told him to tell the story and then immediately cut him off.

Well, I cut him off so I could tell him the context until I forget. Okay. Ed, put the bottles down. Damn it! You gotta put them down. Ed, turn off your fucking catheter.

Put your catheter down immediately. Ed, you're really constipating me here. your fucking catheter. Put your catheter down. And you're really constipating me here. I gotta replace the oil. Oh, God. Grease up the catheter. My catheter's oil-sweaking. If you do it recreationally, you call it a cath, bro.

Take my catheter to the garage. They're gonna rip me off. Can we ever listen to Oh No again and then go, Oh, it's so quaint that we thought this was gonna be yeah we thought this episode yeah i actually i don't think i've ever went back to listen to an episode i do all the time come back and listen to oh no um i listen to the ones mandy's mandy's on i don't i don't think i can go back to oh no because i'm i'm you're the no I'm the no

See I like to just turn it on and then I'll Turn off the lights and I'll be like man I love my friends Sitting in the dark What did you put in your catheter I'll be Caffeine You'll be caffeine all night I'll be caffeine with all night listening to your boys.

I'll be capping with the boys. Sorry, Karen, honey. I gotta leave. I gotta cath. What are you guys doing after this? Okay. Ed and David, bar, drink, alcohol.

Wait, hold up. You're serious? No cath? No cath. No cath. No shit! Let's go. Okay. Tell me the

story. So we were at PAX and we went to this, uh, the main hotel bar, which was like, it was like in the lobby there was like the actual bar part and then you could sit down like a bit farther from that. And we just sat down there and waited for like somebody to just tell us like oh we have a party going on or something because

yeah we were pretty much waiting for anything that wasn't just sitting at a bar because i didn't feel like doing it but that was like plan z i mean we we went i mean we did go like super early to the fucking bar though we were yeah we went to like seven we went, I mean, we did go like super early to the fucking bar though. We were. Yeah, we went at like seven. We went, we started drinking at seven. Although most nights we started drinking at like six, seven. So.

Dude, I got so many business cards from losers. That was fun. I know, right? Fuck me. I still have like. I'm a streamer. I still have a few. Hey man, I'm a streamer.

I do, I do League of Legends commentary. It was, yeah, there's the fucking pocket full of business cards by the end of that night because people just hand those out like catheters, just fucking left and right. Just like, it's like catheters, bro. It was fucking crazy. Business cath. So we decided to just sit down at the uh the restaurant portion like this i guess the the sit down is it called a sit down david you could just say we sat at a table and we didn't

sit at the bar what are you saying if a bar has a table and chairs i literally don't know what david just said because my brain went this is nonsense i'm dumping all of this we sat at a table we just sat at a table and david's like there's a table and a chair is this a restaurant you go ahead then i have no fucking idea okay so we sat at a table that was next to the bar counter and then we got id'd we got our ids out and they said all good i didn't we didn't even get any funny laughs because back when i um back when i lived with every time i showed my id the person would just go oh this will be cool this will be fun no yeah that's uh at the liquor store we'd always go to

like ed would pull out his id and then one of the tellers would be like, ooh, fun! No one knows what Portugal is. Oh, I gotta get my ID renewed. Uh-oh. It expired like last year. I forgot about that. But anyway. You can buy booze with an expired ID? No. No, god no. Okay, well, how have you been

buying your booze? Oh. Shit! Shit! okay well how have you been buying your booze oh shit I guess they didn't notice um um wow I can't believe they didn't notice you guys are getting fired

um but yeah so we got ID'd we each got um I got like a stout David got a whatever and we were just waiting i got a run girl we were waiting there for ages for like any of the people to hit us back up to see if there was anything going on um and then let me remember we were just waiting for somebody to say that there was a party and meanwhile i prefer usually like sitting at as uh like at the bar proper just because that's where the weird shit happens

like a bunch of people like at the table i wasn't getting any business cards so we wanted to go to the counter because that's when the people come up to you and they talk about the dumbest shit especially since you're at pax, they just want to do fucking networking in the most awkward, dumbass way. And then you have to put on the white guy face and pretend you care. You're interested in knowing his fucking smite rank. Wait, that was me.

Yeah. I think I was telling a guy about Ranked Duel and how it sucks now. Fucking shut up. But anyways, eventually, eventually we, we, uh, we look at, I look at the counter and I see that there's a spot. So I'm like, hey, Ed, let's go sit at the counter.

And that's when... And then David leaves me hanging and he's like, I gotta go pee pee. Yeah, I had to piss real bad. I was getting really hammered. And then he goes piss. And then the weirdest shit happened, which was a lady came up to me and she was like, hey, I know you guys have already been ID'd, but since you're moving to the bar, I need

to ID you again. And I was like, okay, weird. I've never had this happen to me especially yeah me neither the weirdest part is that you still had we were still drinking yeah we still had drinks in our hands when we switched well you had my drink because i went to piss yeah and then i'm like okay weird so i take out my id which I didn't know apparently was expired. Oops. Actually, I think maybe I gave her my Belgian one.

Because I think my, because my Belgian one is still fine. I don't think I'm that much of an idiot. Probably. So I give her my ID. And then she goes, oh, I'm sorry, sir. This won't do. No, this doesn't work. You're not American.

And we're allowed to say no. And then she pretty much said that we're barred and we're not going to be served at all for the rest of the night. And then I also forget kind of what happened. I eventually I eventually David comes back from the piss and then i see ed is just like he's he's looking sweaty he's looking sweaty as shit and he just tells me they took my id oh yeah they wouldn't give it back to me yeah they wouldn't give him back and he just told me david they took my id and we're barred. We're kicked out. And we're barred.

And then they just took my ID because I think I faintly remember being like this, telling her, no, we just got served and my ID is fine. Like we literally have drinks right now. And plus, like on top of that, two days ago, we were at this same bar and we were served at the bar counter and no one bitched at us right and then she was like one second let me get my supervisor to sort this out and then they left probably for like yeah they left for a while a while we were we were just left hanging there just wondering what the fuck was happening for a long time. And then they come back to me, that lady and now her supervisor. And they ask me, holding my ID, like carrot on a stick, going, who served you?

Can you point out the waitress who served you? And I was like, I don't fucking know. Yeah, we're not going to put our waitress under the fucking bus dude yeah and then she goes give me a moment and then she goes around asking different waitresses did you serve this man yeah they just keep pointing at us like did you serve these people did you serve these people and then finally these terrorists and then finally she finds the lady that did serve us. They talk for a little bit. And then she comes back to me and she goes, I'm sorry, sir.

Policy says if you have a foreign ID, we are allowed to deny you service. And then she hands me my ID back. And I go, okay, whatever. And then she goes, but don't worry, sir. We chewed out the waitress who served you she has been reprimanded and we're just like what we what do you mean don't we're we didn't want to we did not want that oh don't worry we're punishing the homemade yeah we're punishing the only cool person also can i just say i know we're denying you service and we're basically stealing your ID for 50 minutes,

but the helpful person, she got yelled at. Also, the fucking, the waitress that was, that wanted to see our IDs again, the really, she was a fucking bitch. Sounds like it. She was a Karen. Rude as fuck. Big Karen. She was, yeah. a fucking bitch sounds like she was a karen rude as fuck big karen was yeah and she she just she just looks back at us gives him back his id and says well come back with your passport sometime and she gives us the fucking she gives us this smile like this smug fucking smile and i just wanted to fucking hate women

god i hate women dude why did she was such a bitch and at that point we didn't have anything else to do this was the only bar that like wasn't super shit and we just like a bunch of idiots this is the best part we get in an uber pissed as fuck literally and figuratively we're so mad we're just seething and like even the uber driver catches our conversation and he's like yo that's that's fucking stupid like he chimes in and calls the bartender an asshole yeah we just we just go back to our fucking airbnb dude we go back to our airbnb we get our passports we get the uber back to the bar wait wait wait while we're getting yeah okay sorry we get to our airbnb so this is an Airbnb that is, it's apartments, but the rooms are all split. It's apartments in a house and there's a shared room, which is the main hall, the living room and the bathroom.

Those spaces are all shared and you kind of got like, for the bathroom, you kind of like take turns. And me and David are just, we got back to the airbnb at like 10 p.m or nine no it was 9 40 i specifically remember it was 9 40 p.m because we kept yelling like we kept we weren't we weren't even yelling right no not even i think we were we were talking but laughing loudly yeah and then we're just laughing and we're just still yelling about how stupid what just happened is. And then David goes, I got to go pee again. Are you OK? Because you peed a lot.

Whatever. Yeah. I just I just. You'll pass the calf. No, I just piss a fuck ton when I drink, bro so david goes pee again and then he closes the door and then i'm looking at my phone and then i hear the door open again and i'm thinking damn that was a quick cath so i look up and it's just a guy in the next room just opens the door he looks like he just he looks like the foam adventure people, by the way.

He just opened the door and he just fucking scowls at me. And I'm like, and I just like do like a default shrug pose. Like, what's up? Default wide shrug. And then he goes back in his room and then I check my watch and I'm like, it's 940. Are you trying to sleep at 940? He was a gamer. He was one of the PAX people, man.

He was one of those. Oh, God. He was probably trying to binge clan ad. He was probably trying to watch. He was just trying to watch Promare, bro. He was just trying to have an night. Well, that's getting cut. That's getting cut. But yes cut um but yeah so after that i tell david and then he starts laughing and starts calling

that guy a virgin and i'm like hey if you could hear us laughing you could definitely hear you calling him a virgin um so because we're petty bitches this is the funniest part at least to me we get an uber back to that bar with our passports we have our passports in our pockets we get an uber back to the bar we see the lady and she's like y'all got your passports now fucking bitch so give her my passport david gives it to her too she She goes, okay, yeah, good job. Ha ha. Yeah, she's like, oh, good job. Ha ha.

Like, fuck you, bitch. We're not your fucking dogs. Don't talk to us like that. We each get a cocktail. And then we instantly get the check. Oh, sorry, go ahead. She gives me the check. She gives me the checkbook.

And then I take my card. I look at her straight in the face. I take my card and I give it back to her and I fuck off. I was so pissed. We wrote zero dollars in tips. Fuck you. I just gave her back the fucking receipt. I was so pissed, dude.

She looked mad as fuck when I gave it back to her. And that's how, that's that. Then we got called to Quight's party and we got even more hammered and yeah was that threesome night that might have been threesome night that was threesome night yeah all right cool we didn't have a threesome we just i know you didn't have a threesome it was like a third degree threesome you don't know that i do know that a third person threesome i know that because if ed had a threesome he would't know that i do know that a third person threesome i know that because if ed had a threesome he would be quoting seinfeld right now oh yeah um but yeah that was our oh my

god dude i gotta sneeze again somebody take it somebody constipated bro you constipated what do you say to somebody when they're constipated like you can't really say bless you i mean you could it's like knowing i love that knowing no matter what stories get told on this episode it's going to be called past the cath you know that uh like i don't know old people uh old people have like mobile catheters i found that out at work one day when i went to the bathroom to do like a check catheter like a mobile suit gundam is that like a shisha at work at work uh we have to do like bathroom checks sometimes because i work at a retail store so i went to the bathroom there's nobody in there and then i you know i check the garbage liner and i check the bag so you have to check it to make sure that if there's any like shoplifted product

the usually they would throw the packaging away so that they wouldn't beep at the doors. And a lot of people like to go into the bathroom to do this, even though all stores have a bathroom check. And if you're looking shady as hell going into a bathroom, you always get an employee in there. So I was in the bathroom and I was checking the liner and I like see a piece of paper on the floor next to like behind the garbage can. I think it's product and I pull it up and it's a bag that's like a mobile like portable catheter tube like medical lining I'm like oh fuck someone cast in the bathroom call that a cath room I was waiting for silence I could say that you fucker

damn it why would you wait for silence just saying this say that, you fucker! Damn it! Why would you wait for silence to say it? On this fucking podcast. Because I was just going to go more like a cath room. I was going to get real close. God, I hate old people at work. Speaking of catheters. I have a story from

like a month ago that I wanted to tell. All this talk of catheters just has Brendan seething in rage boomers and their catheters and their fucking tom cruise roto scooters fuck you and your hover around grandpa i got legs he got fucking activated jesus yeah all right so i'm at work and i you know i work at a retail store i don't give a shit i work at best buy i don't care like anymore like i do not care uh and i don't i don't because i don't know what's happening with my job i don't give a shit ed activated me i no longer give a

fuck i could be taken in so many ways the way my brain took it at first was i don't give a fuck. I could be taken in so many ways. The way my brain took it at first was, I don't give a fuck. I'm going to work at Best Buy now. Fuck it. I'm done. I don't give a shit. I do not give a shit. I have a cold, as Ed would say. Get it?

I get it. I get it. So I'm at work and I sell TVs at work. So I'm on my lunch break and there are a bunch of people at uh our our fucking mobile desk and there's a bunch of people in the store working and it's slow as shit and i'm on my lunch break and i'm one of the like the tv sales guys so i come up my lunch break and a manager comes over it's like brendan there's a there's a customer who's been waiting for like 20 minutes for help and i'm like why didn't anybody else help them what what do you mean waiting 20 minutes i'm on my lunch break are you like are you stupid so i go over to the the home theater and there's a

there's an old man screaming at one of them like uh mobile associates uh who is like oh i don't know i don't know tvs i don't know and i'm like what okay so i go over and I settle the old dude down and he's like this 80 year old man and literally just wants a universal remote. That's it. Waiting 20 minutes for like the TV guy because he wanted to look at a universal remote and a soundbar. So I go over and I'm talking to him about the soundbars and he just starts like talking to me like, those ladies over there man i'm a i'm a i'm an older gentleman but man i if i was 10 years younger you know i couldn't stop myself from hugging and squeezing and kissing i'm like oh shit there is a subset of old people who won't stop being fucking horny dude right i know that because I used to work

at McDonald's all those years ago. I remember getting people, like, you would just help them and then they would just point out a woman and be like, she's gonna make me act up. First guy. I'm gonna do it this time.

I'm gonna do something. I'm gonna do something. First, I'm gonna cath, then I'm going to do it this time. I'm going to fuck. I'm going to do something. I'm going to grit. I'm going to. I'm going to. First, I'm going to cath. Then I'm going to fuck. So this guy, and I'm talking to him about soundbars. And at this point, I just want to get him as far away from me as physically possible. Like, I just don't want to deal with him at all.

Like, I'm donezo. Like, immediately when someone starts acting like that, I immediately shut down and go into 0% energy mode where I just try to conserve as much of my energy as possible and just help them out in the most robotic way. It's basically full retail shutdown. So I, I, I tell shut down retail shutdown.

Yeah. So I'm talking to him about soundbars and I just get him like a basic one. And he's like, this will make me hear better. Cause you know, my ears don't work so well. Unless I'm trying to hear a pretty lady. I'm what hear them what hear them shit i don't know what that

means are you listening to them shit i don't know i am confused all right i'm genuinely upset so i i helped this guy out and he's got his fucking like double double fucking walker that he's like moving over to the fucking checkout counter and i'm checking him out and he's like you know that lady over there if she wasn't mexican and i was like dude he's going down he's taking all the boxes fucking tube he's hitting every fucking base he's got a fucking he's revving up he's hit a whole fucking home run oh my god and and like and like immediately afterwards you know i've got him checked out and he's like you know those ladies over there just laughing about catheters those ladies over there i'm imagining a silly straw but

it's cath bro what if when you came you shot silly string instead of cum anyway what if when you came it was one big one and you had to fight it what are you coming stay puffed this guy this this this guy immediately after like going on a racist diatribe was like you know when my wife died 10 years ago and i'm like oh god he knows he said too much now he's trying to get the the funny pity points and i'm just like yeah man absolutely if you ever need assistance just come on in and i'll take care of it and in my head afterwards i said just so nobody else will have to deal with your bullshit because that's essentially my job at work is to deal with people nobody else wants to just because so this guy leaves and i'm like exhausted and

thankfully i leave and i'm just thinking about it the whole day i've been thinking about it for like the last month there's just this this horny old man being infuriating rent free i hate retail i really do i feel like brendan the more i hear old people are fucking horror the more i hear from your retail stories the more i realize where your inspiration for all your dnd npcs comes from it's just because i deal with just the shittiest people like the the most white trash like weirdos all get sent to me like there's someone who comes in once a goddamn week and doesn't stop talking about how they're a streamer and how they're giving up their life to be a streamer and how like they're asking for tips they never buy anything at the bar they never buy

anything oh we definitely saw that guy buy anything they're all they're gonna be a street it's gonna be big and i'm gonna be a big stream and everybody's going to watch my, you know, I watch my channel and I've been working with a couple of big people and you know, it's, it's like also back at GameStop, a guy wouldn't stop talking to me about how he had two terabytes of Ram in his fucking computer built for Minecraft. And I literally got so fed up. I was like, that's not, you can't have two terabytes of Ram. Well, yeah, but I'm running a server now shut the fuck up please shut the fuck up oh my god that was not sorry one terabyte

people do not work in fucking retail unless you absolutely fucking have to because you will deal with the most brain dead people and i'm a magnet for this shit so already like the normal level is pretty bad i just get the fucking weird truckers who want to talk to you for an hour about their fucking cat the fucking incredibly racist old people i'm heard something else. I'm sorry. I know exactly what you heard, Ed. Truckers just want to talk about their fucking cats. Not cats. They don't want to talk about their

fucking cats. Yeah, I got a 16-hour drive. I gotta fucking rev the cab up. I gotta cab up. Did I tell the story? This is kind of catheter related um so my grandfather my grandfather uh imagine all this like shortage of ventilators but it's catheters instead and this is a cath related story oh my god so my grandpa when he when he lost his leg

had to come out of the hospital and and he had like a catheter installed at home for a while. In the leg? And yeah, he got his leg amputated. No, but where's the catheter? In his dick. What the fuck do you mean? Like my grandma had to go and empty it and when they removed it, he couldn't

pee right, so they had to put a toilet. They had to put a toilet in the living room oh you told me this there was a toilet in our living room at my grandparents story yeah i did yeah there was a toilet in the living room at my grandparents my grandparents were hoarders so like imagine 15 to 20 fucking cats right a dog shit everywhere and then just a fucking toilet installed in the middle of our living room i'm playing warcraft 3 and i just hear brap papa's on the toilet hi papa hey buddy brendan please tell them this story so oh the story so about my brother grandpa's house is hosting

wrap con so my my my my me and my little brother would go over to my grandparents we basically live there during the summer and we'd be there every weekend because it was like disgusting place to be but I love my grandparents they're my favorite people in the world and so my grandpa one day is

sitting there my grandma's helping him out and I'm on the computer my little brother is watching me try to get oblivion working. Like I've spent like hours trying to get oblivion working on the PC to the point where there's no graphics. Like it looks like it looks like the first Tomb Raider game. Yeah. So there was a program I installed that like D res the graphics to a certain point where it would be playable in my grandma's shitty computer.

So I'm working on like oblivion and everybody looks like butter and there's no textures. And I'm like playing it at five frames per second. And my grandma looks over at my little brother and is like, Garrett, do you want to make 10 bucks? Garrett's like, sure.

Absolutely. Do you want to wipe Papa's ass for him? My grandma didn't want to deal with it for once. So my brother goes over, grabs the wet wipes and starts my grandfather by the way is 350 pounds at this point he's fucking he is he is huge he's 350 pounds he is about five foot seven five foot six so he's like a ball like he had a rascal scooter and he like drove around. Papa was thick.

Okay. I'm losing it. So my brother comes over. I can't stop picturing it. Grabs the wet wipes and starts wiping my grandfather's ass down while my grandma, my nana, and my papa are fucking giggling laughing at him. Like fucking mocking him for wiping my grandpa's ass my grandpa's like thanks half pint

and that's it that's the story of my brother how he made ten dollars I never did that because I'm not a fucking idiot not gonna wipe papa's ass down it's not gonna happen Jesus Christ Brendan is just struggle personified you know struggle tweets on twitter dude you go upstairs and in the living room there's a

toilet you go downstairs where my uncle lived literally literally a field of Mountain Dew bottles filled with piss. Oh, what the fuck? He would not leave the basement someday. So he just... A field. One day. What the fuck? I am thirsty. What? Oh, no.

Oh, no. Brendan, we're stopping. We're cutting you off. I already know how this ends. Everybody knows how this ends. And I drink this water and I'm done. There we go. I never drank piss, all right?

Well. Well, no. That's a different, completely different story. That's not a well you want. That's a different story, but I never drank piss out of a Mountain Dew bottle. Like, that didn't happen. I just wanted to set that up for the joke. It's not like you would notice.

It tastes about the same. Hey, I'm a connoisseur. It would at least be bubbly. I think if anybody's pissing carbonated, if their cat is carbonated, if anybody's pissing carbonated, it's your uncle's. I mean, I do that.

I get the foamy piss sometimes. Bro, you shouldn't say that. He's a manager at Burger King. The foamy piss and carbonated piss is not the same, bro. Is it not? They taste the same. No. No.

Well, the carbonation would have a texture thing, not a flavor thing. Oh. Carbonation. I don't think. A little carbonation. Okay. And I'll see you next time. See you next time.

Hot Dr. Pepper oh my god I'm still a cursed person sometimes I like that old person's story unlocked some trauma there Brendan we're not allowed to describe old people anymore

because I was at the fucking limit he was gonna you revved him up a bit too far. We're gonna have to institute rules for the PST. When he started talking about the rascal scooter. I fucking hate

them. I hate them so much. My grandpa would be looking at fucking catalogs of rascal scooters and he'd just be like, well, time to use my fucking stipend to buy fucking a rascal scooter. Well, now I gotta have matching decals

with the calf. Oh, shit. This one has a built-in calf holder. Why do they call it rascal holders? Rascal scooters? it rascal holders rascal holders hold your little rascal here like a cock sock rascal holder i'm imagining a bunch of really rich old people crowded around a big like tube and they're passing

around the catheter tube like it's a shisha bar. That's what I'm imagining. Oh, this is why old folks are filled with STDs. They're wearing a mask and they're deciding the fate of the world. What is this? They're having a fucking... They're're just asking the they're just all getting

fucking high off piss fumes and asking the oracle what happens next they just have a big orb full of carbonated piss and it tells them the future they have one of the soda streams that they have like taped to the orb the oracle convening with the devil the bouncers on a rascal scooter and it's just all happening in Brendan's living room I was thirsty tombstone is playing the orb is just like getting it's just like on the toilet lid

and everybody's around the toilet just praying to the oracle brendan is the one lying on the table with the pentagram painted on it and he's playing warcraft three bro i used to love demise of brotherhood role playing on fucking warcraft 3 i'd be playing that and gaia online and my grandparents will my grandpa shit time to write more for my zombie rp no it was a fucking it was a shitty like office chair that was like peeling away the cats had like the cats had like ripped it apart i thought i thought you i thought you asked if the toilet in the living

room was a dx that's what i asked oh i think yeah it was a damn my grandpa was a gamer your uncle sounds like the real gamer my uncle my uncle literally did i tell so my uncle and my grandma same same uncle and grandma were the ones to raid my ruinscape account and steal my dragon whip and all my goals why did i tell this story no my grandma my grandma my uncle i got super into ruinscape because my uncle brandon was super into it and so he was my dad's brother and he would talk to me about it so i got into it and then my uncle got really into it and then my grandma got really into it because she used to play a lot of facebook games and i stopped playing for a period of time and i get back on my hulk hogan 311 account and i get back on i get back on the hulk hogan 311 and all of my shit is gone

my gold my dragon whip and i'm like nana my obby whip, my obby whip is gone. Nana, what happened to my obby whip? Oh, I took it. I needed it. Nana, why'd you take my obby whip, Nana? Nana, I needed it. To be fair, it was cool they paid for my membership, but like, they got way too into it. Wait, RuneScape needs a membership?

You can get a premium membership oh right a jagged a jag x plus account right it's like my uncle currently like every year for some reason he makes me pay for it on paypal and then he'll send me the money so he pays for a year of it and he'll he'll call me to be like hey i need to re-up my runescape account and he'll send me a hundred dollars on paypal and i have to buy it with my card and then take the money on paypal and put it in my account because he doesn't want to use banks i don't i don't he he doesn't want to use banks and he he has a pay card from like his work that he transfers to paypal but it won't let him buy it through his PayPal account. It's a weird,

weird, not money laundering thing. Every time you talk about your family, I realized you were actually, you were actually born into the fucking boom, boom family from part seven of Jojo. The fucking boom, boom family.

Shut up. Sorry. I had to quickly make a Google Keep Notes thing for a video idea. Moves like Shag X. Song parody. Okay. So, are we at Patreon questions i don't know some patreon questions i need a fucking break i've cursed this podcast yeah we we went we revved up today it's been a while and i had a lot of pent-up aggression so yeah i felt the a lot of pent-up piss i was constipated with piss. No, the piss doesn't pent up because he's cathed.

If you're not cathed right now, what are you doing? If you're not cathed, unsubscribe. Are you a fucking dog pound? Is this dog cathed? So, Patreon questions, if you're part of the $5 and above tier, you can ask a question.

We might answer on a podcast and we'll probably just complain about your question being shit. Yeah. Give us hypotheticals if you're going to do the Patreon question. Those are fun. Those are really fun. We prefer hypotheticals, honestly. Honestly. Also, generally, we only really read the questions that make for interesting content on the podcast,

not just, what's your favorite color? Don't ask me weird shit. Ask Ed weird shit specifically. No, as in weird personal shit. Yeah, not weird personal shit. There's a lot of them like this. Ask me how much money I should put in my 401k

because i don't know ask me how many subs i have i love i love ask me because i want to know and i'll figure it out i'm really curious really curious how that works out in your head no i was gonna say also put the answer in there oh okay i like this one i found a good one finally i'll put a face on it your boy will asks all of the objects in your room are now alive and to bring them back to their regular state you must fuck at least one of them oh fuck which object 18 titty figure which object do you fuck why Why and why not? Android 18 titty figure. See, this is a good one. Yes, this one is fantastic. All of the objects are rumor-like.

Let me look around. So, first we should clarify. Oh, how do you fuck an object? What is counting as fucking in this? Oh, you gotta stick your dick in it. What do you mean? Okay, there are two options. Stick your dick in it or insert it, I think.

Do you have to cum? I think you have to cum. Is it like Toy Story or insert it? I think. Do you have to come? I think you have to come. Is it like the object has to make you come? Oh, fuck. That makes it hard. Mine is so easy. Mine is not. Nintendo 64.

Oh, wait. Mine is. I got my risotto from part five figurine. I'll fuck that. Easy money. What's the process of that? Like, how are you getting in there i don't care he can fuck me i don't care i'll let him he's alive he's alive by the way he's

gonna be like oh no or something oh and he's exactly like risotto yeah yeah does he have metallica yeah oh you're in for you're in for a fucking rough night yeah you're not gonna be able to shit for weeks my two other choices were Fugo and Kira Kira would just run away and so would Fugo I mean they're small just hold them and what? that sounds bad

what? nevermind I mean I don't want to make it weird I assume when they come alive they get life sized no no I mean I don't want to make it weird I assume when they come alive they get life sized no no they're the size they are you clown it's like toy story rules

oh god that's weird yeah welcome to the fucking question dumbass okay well obviously he'd have to be on top yeah he's he's crawling in. It's going to be... It's time. He's stuck in the bag.

It's going to be... Dude, it has to be so hard to, like, fuck an object. Oh, hang on. I got to write another thing down. Horror movie idea. Someone is stuck in a catheter bag. And then the poster is just somebody's

face pressed up against the bag. Oh god. Shut up. It has to be so hard though to like have sex with only one object when every other object is like fucking alive. Because every other object

is all of them wouldn't yeah they're all they're all watching and yelling and going like peewee's playhouse it's peewee's playhouse dude big planet david i have a question what the fuck is in your room where that is the

default sound that you assume they're all going to be making i have i have i have all of a sudden i have i have a i have a few anime figurines so i just expect that they're all going to be like they're gonna be like what are they figurines of i have one of uh ryuk i guess ryuk doesn't do that ryuk does not do that i have one of chun lee but she's gonna be stuck in her plastic because she's still in she's still in there that's a ticking that's a ticking clock because she's gonna suffocate if you don't fuck fast yeah she's just like she's just like because she's dying i have i have sora but he

has two keyblades so i'm fucked totally just watch he's not a kid i have the i have the one from kingdom hearts 3 he's 18 i think much better i thought you said he's 18 i was like wait let me i didn't say i was gonna fuck him no. No, I know, but I was saying, yeah, no, good reason not to fuck him. He's a child. And you went, well, technically. I was like looking around and being like, what would my dick fit in? Yeah, no, same.

I'm having that exact same thing. I could probably fit it in like the cartridge slot of the Nintendo 64. I just discovered that Sora is 15. It's got a hole in it. I just discovered that Sora is 15 in Kingdom Hearts 3 so he's out of the question. David's just like setting himself up for these at this point. We didn't even call him a pedophile

once for the entire episode. Fuck you. God damn it. If we don't call him a pedophile he'll do it himself. I can't believe I'm still the one getting blamed for this. Oh no I didn't say you I said we all the time

I haven't okay I know what I would fuck Brendan I'm sorry but I'm gonna fuck the Kirby automaton it's way too easy it has a mouth it has a mouth yeah I was gonna say my automaton too it's gonna go like but you know whatever

it might go like, but you know, whatever. It might go like, fucking your automaton. It's yeah. It's silicone. And it has a mouth while suddenly suffocates. MacGyver, a fucking DIY flashlight out of your living automaton.

That's the, I think, the worst sentence I've ever said in my life. Where am I going to fuck? Am I doing my office or my bedroom? I would say where you are currently. So, uh... Um...

I have a figurine of the Arbiter. I guess. Ah! Word, word, word. I have a figurine of the Arbiter. I guess. What? What? Your Arbiter comes pre-stocked with plasma condoms. I could have also picked my bong, but would it still have the bong water in?

Because I feel like it would fit better than the automaton oh dude that bong is a squirter oh dude I need to empty my bong why do I still have water let's see I saw one you guys already do did you answer

yeah I answered I said my Nintendo 64 yeah he was like the first one to answer yeah well first I said my Android 18 64 yeah he was like the first one to answer yeah well first i said my android 18 figure and then i remembered oh fuck size brendan's been giving that controller some weird looks no it's the cold console brendan has always known what the weird third stick is for because i'm pretty sure i could fit my dick somewhat into the cartridge slot like that's literally okay that's another thing I think we need to figure... Are they still, like, the same...

Wait, no. Do they have emotions? Is there a possibility that the console would cry? I think... Toy Story rules. They're the same texture, but their parts are more maneuverable.

Technically, you don't have to fuck them if you want them to stay alive. Yeah, if you just want them to stay... Oh, yeah. Oh, that's... This got really dark all of a sudden. Now it's like... Oh, shit, you might kill all of them. Do they know?

Do they know that they're going to die? No, you just start edging. So you force them to watch. What? What? They're in a constant state of euphoria. Ed. What about have we done this one?

Are there any specific food items you've had an absolute trash time with, refuse to eat now due to a bad experience? Food items. We did do that, I think. I don't think so. It sounds like one that Ed would make fun of and then scroll past. Yeah.

I was just thinking, like, are we really going to do this? I'm not emotionally 10 years old, so I just go again at some point. I mean, yeah, eventually I go again as well. It just takes a bit of time. I guess tequila. What? We're doing this? Yeah.

No, I think that's the end of the conversation. We need to expand on that. I can't eat frozen pretzels. I know why. Yeah, I think that's the I think that's the end of the conversation. Well, I need to expand on that. I can't eat. I can't eat frozen pretzels. I know why. Yep. I had eaten a frostbitten one and I had project.

I project I vomited for like two days. Another smell of them makes me like gag. And my girlfriend loves pretzels. She loves soft pretzels. I just every time I smell them, I just. loves pretzels. She loves soft pretzels. I just, every time I smell them, I just makes me want to die. Yum, yum. It's like an autoimmune

response. They're not good food anyway. Big pretzels suck. I agree. It's just big bread. Big salty bread. It's just big salty bread. That's it. It's fucking bread's fucking honestly bread kind of sucks bro fuck bread bring it a fucking guys are fucking dumb fuck bread who the fuck says bread yeah shut the fuck up we don't like bread we don't like bread restaurant they give you

bread as an entree you spit in their face yes why would they i don't eat it i don't eat it because bread just tastes like nothing. It tastes like... I push it away and I take you. I don't want to eat it. What the fuck bread are you eating? I'm actually losing my mind. How the fuck?

Oh, you're not a real French person. Never mind. I don't like baguette. I only like baguette if there's cheese on it or else it's nothing. Bread is fucking sucks on its own. Baguette bread is some of the best bread ever made. It tastes so nice. You have to so nice i don't have to add shit you don't have to you really don't you could just eat sliced baguette

yeah baguette on its own is fucking delicious yes this is a you thing i didn't even want to answer this question and i'm fucking pissed i can't believe like this is like double upsetting for ed right now. Yes! Because we ended up doing it, and I'm hearing this bullshit. Ew, big Ed tastes like nothing. Have you ever fucking had one? Yes. Do you think all bread tastes the same, David? Yes.

Okay. This is a fucking pointless conversation. We're talking to an Indian. Wow. That is the dumbest thing you've ever said on this podcast. No, I really thought, like, that was going to be your limit. That you're going to say no, but they all taste pretty much the same. No, you actually think they taste the same.

Well, white bread tastes like white bread. What do you mean? What does that mean in this context? White bread is going to taste like white bread and brown bread is going to taste like brown bread. Oh my god. So the answer to Ed's question then, David, was no.

But it all tastes the same. What? You just said they don't! This is genuinely the angriest I've ever been on this podcast. I don't understand where we're going. I'm so fucking upset. Bread tastes like nothing. I mean, white bread tastes like white bread. Brown bread tastes like brown bread.

I get some people saying they don't like bread. I don't like cheese. I've been in that camp, right? But your reasons for not liking it are so fucking stupid. You're not... I mean... I don't hate bread. I just don't like it.

Because it tastes like nothing? Because it tastes like nothing is your reasoning. I don't think it tastes... Like, it doesn't have enough taste for me to give a fuck. I mean, I'm not the motherfucker who's going to the movies with a bag of bread and just fucking chowing down. Right? Bread tastes

like it doesn't taste enough like something for me to care. It doesn't taste enough like something for me to care. David, you've never rolled up like a slice of bread into a bowl. You've lost Brendan as an ally at this point.

I mean, even I've eaten bread. Of course I've eaten bread. Sometimes I eat a sandwich. But the worst part is the bread. The worst part of a sandwich is the bread? What do you mean? Well, yeah, because the inside is what's... Oh, you're that guy.

You're that guy that makes a fucking sandwich, doesn't finish it, doesn't eat it, just leaves it for the day in the fridge, wakes up in the morning and goes, I'll just eat the ham. Fuck you. I've never done that. I promise you that David is exactly the kind of guy

who just gets up in the dead of night, walks over to his fridge, gets the sliced ham and goes... At the fridge door. At the fridge door open, he's standing there gobbling it down like the goblin he fucking is. And then he eyes the fucking bread and goes,

fuck you. David, are you the type to put a straw in an Uncrustable and just drink it? I don't know what an Uncrustable is. That is the worst thing I've ever pictured, Brendan. Oh, I know what an Uncrustable is. I have no clue. Isn't that the thing that you made me eat on the road trip to...

Yeah, it's like a peanut butter and jelly sealed sandwich. Yeah. That you unfreeze. What did you say was in it? Peanut butter and jelly. No, what did you say I do? No, you put a straw in it and just slurp it out. Oh, God.

David takes a fucking handful of peanut butter and then a handful of jelly and just shoves him in his fucking mouth. He goes, so much better. Well, actually, the actually the first time I had a peanut butter jelly sandwich was sandwich was the incrustable that I ate on that road trip. I'm glad I could pop your PB&J cherry. God, fuck you. So sorry for making you eat a sandwich. Any more Patreon questions? I don't hate...

I just... It's not my preference to eat bread. I don't know. First press have to pay respects is the meme of the decade. Now bread tastes like nothing. It all tastes the same. It's the worst part of the sandwich. It is the worst part of the sandwich.

No, it isn't. Why don't you go fucking eat a loaf, dude? I'm losing my fucking mind. Any more Patreon questions? I don't care. No, hang on. David, you have a sunny side up egg. What do you eat it with? Bacon.

Uh-huh. Sunny side up egg with guacamole. Yeah, dude. What do you do with the yolk? I don't think David knows about toast. Hello? Hello? Do you just

cut it out and just eat it? I do this thing. Oh boy, here we go. I'm ready. Go on, what do you do? What's superior to eating it with toast, David? First he takes out a Sora figurine. I did this thing

where I eat... This is gonna make you sound fucking autistic. Oh, don't worry. You've got that covered. When I eat a sunny- up egg i eat i eat the the this the surrounding white all the surrounding white before like and i'm careful not to pop the yolk and then i just put the yolk in my mouth and pop it in there you just you don't get to talk about food. Okay, the episode's over.

You don't get to talk about food. I need to punch something. The episode is over. You are not allowed to ever talk about food on this podcast again. I'm not the only one to do that. Why would you... No, no.

Yeah, everyone else who does that is seven, David. Now I'm just... Why? Now I'm more pissed at the fact that you don't even pop the yolk best part of the fucking sunny side up egg you eat the white pit David actually tastes

like nothing I put it in my mouth you fucking dipshit I pop it in my mouth like it's fucking it's like David you don't know how to eat sunny side up eggs how does someone not know how to eat a sunny side up egg you can eat anything however you want you pop the yolk and then the yolk mixes up egg? You can eat anything however you want. You pop the yolk and then

the yolk mixes with the whites. You can do that if you want. Because that's where the fucking flavor is. You can do that if you want. I can't believe a person said the bread tastes like nothing and then he's like, oh, actually when I eat a sunny side up egg, I just eat the white bits.

You're insane. You're an insane person. I put maple syrup on my fucking eggs hey david how do you feel about eggs they're good what why really because you have to put something on them for them to taste any good at all according to you because you just eat the fucking white what do you yeah but you can put salt on it you can put spices you can't put spices on that's fucking weird somebody weird. You can't salt bread. Somebody, somebody, there's bread. There's spices baked into it, you dumbass. Stop the presses. He puts salt on his food.

We have a cook. I'm going to lose my real chef here. You put salt on your loaf of bread? David. Oh my god, I'm going to die. There is salt in most bread. Do you know about salted bread? Have you ever baked in your life?

Oh my god. Do you not know that salt is something you put in pretty much every fucking type of bread? My food doesn't taste like nothing. Sometimes I put salt on it. Sometimes I put salt on my egg whites. Oh god. Oh fuck, we need to to stop you're gonna kill me oh fuck these are fucking food nazis

food nazis you're just an idiot i can eat however i want i eat my yolk like okay maybe i am a food nazi because if if Hitler got on stage and was like, alright, listen, people who eat the yolk in one bite, I'd be like, alright, go on. Un-fucking-believable. I'm so upset. The past two podcast

episodes are the only episodes of the podcast where I've actively gotten angry at someone while recording, and both times it was David for being a moron. I'm in a fucking terrible mood now. Me too! It's just eggs. I went from, like, peak laugh when Brendan was talking about old

people, and I have just, I have several holes on my desk. Well, I guess you can change your answer for the fucking inanimate objects one, then. Hey, I guess you can change your answer for the fucking inanimate objects one then. Hey, thanks for listening. This podcast wouldn't be possible without the help from our patrons such as Agrabah451, Alan Diver, Alex Steer, Buckshot Papaya, Q underscore, Dax Richie, Dreams of Ice, Ducky Madness, Dascala, Eric Scott Gillies, Jeff Smith, Manuel Martinez, Marco Sotelo, Thank you so much for making this show possible, and we'll see you next time.