Please Stop Talking - PST Storytime: A Christmas Owl

Episode Date: January 2, 2018

THIS EPISODE IS MEANT TO BE LISTENED TO WITH HEADPHONES! In this spin off episode we read a story written by FreeAsschaps for the 2017 Christmas contest on the Shammy Fan Discord! Thank you so much for supporting us this past year and we hope to see you in the next! Ko-Fi: ko-fi.com/pstpodcast US Amazon Link: bit.ly/PSTAmazonUS CA Amazon Link: bit.ly/PSTAmazonCA Podcast also available on iTunes and YouTube! iTunes - apple.co/2slCqTT YouTube - bit.ly/2sjmCAT Rating us on ITunes is extremely helpful for us and a great way to grow the podcast! Big thank you to @Mad_Buns and brendaniel (https://www.youtube.com/user/BrendanielReads) for helping with this episode of the podcast! Links: Avery - twitter.com/ShammyTV David - twitter.com/SirMeowMusic Cameron - twitter.com/SuperSneakSheep Kyle - twitter.com/SirZulu_ Podcast - twitter.com/PSTPodcast Art by Madbuns: Twitter - twitter.com/mad_buns DA - madbuns.deviantart.com Other links: YouTube - youtube.com/c/shammytv Twitch - twitch.tv/ShammyYT Reddit - reddit.com/r/Shammy David's Spotify - spoti.fi/2gAtGSJ David's Soundcloud - @sirmeowmusic Audio in this video was mixed and mastered by David Tremblay (bit.ly/SirMeowMixing) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm, like, so worried about my sister. Randy, you cannot marry a murderer. I was sick, but I am healed. Returning to W Network and Stack TV. The West Side Ripper is back. If you're not killing these people, then who is? That's what I want to know. Starring Kaley Cuoco and Chris Messina.

The only investigating I'm doing these days is who shit their pants. Killer messaged you yesterday? This is so dangerous. I gotta get out of this. Based on a true story. New season Mondays at 9 Eastern and Pacific. Only on W. Stream on Stack TV. Hello, my children.

Just gather around me. Let me tell you a story with this cup of warm coffee. A Christmas tale with your very special boys with Christmas things like Santa and toys. A Christmas Owl by Free Ass Chaps Twas the night before Christmas when all throughout the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The cold winter breeze that danced through the streets, the singing and dancing of joyful peeps.

It was in this small brick house where no decorations stood. One particular owl was up to no good. David, come here right now! Avery called out, his feathers white as snow and his voice sounding quite flout. And from the shadows a figure came forth to respond, tittering, trembling, shaking from head to toes. Christmas is upon us and my review is not out. Where is that damn edited audio file, you lout? David bowed his head sadly, the room only getting colder. He didn't want to deal with this with the angry feathered scolder.

But alas, Avery was right. He'd taken too damn long. He'd been watching Fullmetal Alchemist all week and he knew it to be wrong. Dude, I promise I'll soon get it done. Just give me until next week after the holidays are gone. No! Avery cried, nearly smacking David with his wing. The video should have gone up a week ago! I won't wait until bloody spring! David hugged his body pillow, one of the few things that brought him joy. But not even the power of the winery rock bell pillow was enough to calm the poor boy. But tomorrow's Christmas. With a sad pout, he whispered out. The time of

cheer, presents, family, and bout. Well, too fucking bad, David, replied the angry owl, his face set in a terrifying scowl. Go back to your music bay until you are bloody done. This is no time for merriment, joy, or fun. But what about Steve? I can't leave my son alone. David responded, but he was soon set back by the owl's thunderous groan. Ugh, for crying out! And as much as it pained him, Avery knew David was right. Separating them both was cruelty, and Avery wasn't an owl of spite. Most of the time. Fine.

The owl agreed, albeit quite begrudgingly. Let it not be said I'm one to separate family. Go home, take care of your son, I'll somehow get all of this done. David squeaked out in joy, his incredible cheer uncontainable. Whether they sound insane or not, well, that was debatable. Yeah, yeah, go home now you slacking feline. But if your pay goes down, I don't want to hear no whine. And without wasting a second, the gray cat was gone,

leaving Avery to work on the editing all by his loan. The owl sat in front of it, and tiredly he sighed, his monitor screen with the utmost attention he eyed. And thus Avery worked for hours and hours without end. But long it didn't take until his eyelids felt heavy, and his neck started to bend. And as the moon shined through the windows and the cold winter breeze filled the room whole, a Christmas miracle was soon to be laid upon the owl's grumpy soul.

End scene! Few were the things that could surprise Avery nowadays. He considered himself unshakable and set in his own ways. So imagine the shock when he opened up his eyes and suddenly he realized. Holy shit! I'm outside! How could this happen? Had he been kidnapped?

Was this revenge from the high elves and their plague of lips chapped? But soon his questions would come to a halt as a familiar face nearby made him realize who was probably at fault. A round kiwi bird casually laying on the snow. What the hell Cameron? Was all Avery wanted to know. Hey what's up dude? The kiwi bird said.

Don't worry about a thing, you're totally not dead. Had he not been furious Avery would have most definitely been panicking. But seeing the damned bird laying there like it was nothing. It was just too maddening Cameron you better have a good explanation. This better not be a prank I swear if this is some sort of stupid joke what you'll give me a good old spank Cameron I swear to God relax you fucking moron. This isn't a fucking prank and I'm not Cameron I'm the ghost of Christmas past A Avery just stared, his eyes full of rage. He was this close to just grabbing the bloody bird and putting him in a cage. Cameron, you better start making fucking sense, otherwise I'll walk over there and punt you over the fence.

Jeez, calm down dude. It's almost Christmas time. You act like enjoying yourself is some sort of fucking crime. I am literally freezing, Cameron! It's like 10 below! Just shut up and tell me where the hell we're supposed to go. Follow me, dude. I'm about to show you something grand and keep your eyes open. This is sort of just a one-night stand. Cameron, your words hurt my brain. Like, stop. No. Now follow me, dammit. And so the two moved onwards through this strange snowy land. And as Avery walked further, he was soon able to understand.

He knew this place, that much was for sure. It was his old home, but why was it blurred? Cameron, is this supposed to be my hometown? If so, well, I'm from fucking Texas, you clown! Where the heck did all this snow come from? Christmas is over there as hot as they bloody come! Shhh, let the ghost handle everything. The kiwi whispered out, his clawed talon shutting Avery up as he covered the owl's snout.

Now stay put. Come over here and stand. And when you see what I want to show you, I am sure you'll understand. Cameron, can you be any more cryptic? Whispered the white feathered bird, leaning closer to the window, careful to not be heard. Inside he saw two figures surrounding a wooden crib, looming over the silhouette of a sleeping baby birb. Is that supposed to be- Look and behold, your very first Christmas.

Of the first time you laughed, you're about to be a witness. That was definitely not the first time I- And lo and behold, like the ghost had spoken, a beautiful, childish laughter from the baby that had just awoken. And Avery had to admit that was pretty damn cute, especially when his mother had decided to boop his snoot. That doesn't look remotely close to my mother. Avery softly sighed, ruffling his snow-covered feathers as his tired eyes dried. Cameron, what is the point of this?

It really feels like you're just taking the piss. Honestly, I was just told like an hour ago that I needed to do this, and to be fair, I'm running out of rhymes and I legit know crap about your past. Cameron. But Kyle was all like, we need to do something for Avery. Cameron. But I was like, this sounds like the worst fucking idea and that's the story of how I broke my arm

trying out wheelies. Cameron, I swear to god, if you don't stop talking. What were we talking about again? Just get to the point of all this so that I can finally go home. I can't afford to let your senseless monologue roam. The Kiwi nodded for he knew it to be true. Avery had a video to post, his schedule he could not screw. So by taking a deep breath and looking into his eyes, Cameron spoke up, speaking no lies. Dude, it's almost Christmas time, and you're still fucking editing.

To the point where what you once loved is now deadening. Well, duh. Avery spoke as his frustrated eyes rolled back. I need to finish before Christmas to get more revenue, you hack. Everything is demonetized. I'm barely making bank. So I'll be wasting Christmas if I have to, if I'm being frank. What about all the cheer you felt through your past Christmas times?

Singing and dancing with holiday songs and rhymes. I lost my ability to feel a long time ago. Look, can we just wrap all this up and go? Cameron bowed his head, for he had nothing more to say. Fine, but don't be surprised if two other idiots show up as I send you on your way. Wait, what are you- But questions none could Avery ask, for before he realized it, he was back. Back in his cozy home, the fireplace burning hot.

His computer up and running, ready to make his holiday cheer rot. It'll all be worth it once the review is out. He thought out loud, his mind too angry at those ungrateful louts. He brushed those thoughts aside and gave a firm nod. He had coffee and good music. He was ready to go. With newfound determination, he clipped, chopped, and pasted. Who needs friends when afterwards he could just go get wasted? And with all the stress up in his head, he soon came to know he could really use a glass

of wine to make those thoughts go. Suddenly, his ears perked up. A strange noise his attention caught. He turned his eyes to see what was happening. And what he saw, well, it was truly baffling. A glass of wine, just like he wanted, just laying there on the table. Was his house now haunted? Against the best of his judgement, Avery moved close, of this strange mystery he would find the source. But as he approached the strange glass, he sure did not expect, a thunderous shout that nearly got his pants wet.

A ghastly voice cried out. A voice which of who it belonged to gave Avery no doubt. Ed? The baffled owl sputtered in confusion, the sight of the hunky, duck-headed man making him think this was all an illusion. Just like his ability to enjoy a AAA game, the day that that died had been such a freaking shame. You're gonna get Christmased? The duck spat it all over, his right hand busy with a jug and a massive piece of ham in the other. And you're smashed. Of course, why am I not surprised? For Ed was quite the drinker, a fact that Avery had long recognized.

But dressing up with a Greek toga carrying a jug of wine? He was almost waiting for the dumb comedic punchline. Avery had long recognized, but dressing up with a Greek toga carrying a jug of wine, he was almost waiting for the dumb comedic punchline. Avery immediately regretted his words, for that was without a doubt of all his worst pun. Avery, shut the fuck up and listen, cause we're about to have some fun. But first there's something important you must do. Just come a little closer and... Ed, I'm not gonna kiss you. As alcohol fogged his head, Ed blinked a few times,

refusing to kiss such a godlike hunk that must have been a crime. And for a moment, his spirits were sunk. Then he drank a sip of his wine, and all those thoughts were frickin' gone. Avery, I am here with an important mission. I'm going to take you out of this shithole and change your frickin' vision. No more shall you despair and work and slave away. I'm going to show you the true meaning of fucking Christmas Day. Yay!

You just threw wine all over my carpet. Grab my sweaty hands, Avery, cause we're taking a trip to the market. And without asking for permission or even aiming for his hand, Ed pulled on Avery's leg and dragged him across the land. Well, more like his house, but the point still stands. They reached the front door, which the duck man threw open, and instantly Avery was in a world of commotion. All around him, he could hear the conversations flying, the prices being thrown about from what looked like people buying.

Fixings for the dinner treats for the guests and everywhere he looked he saw the public doing their holiday best the mood was upbeat uplifting cheery it even managed to make him for a moment not feel so dreary but then that short window of warmth and joyful peace by punk ducks incessant ramblings were put to a cease. I think this is the place, but I could be mistaken. Well, we won't really find out until we go ahead and break in. Ed, no! Avery cried out in panic when he got drunk like this. He tended to be a bit manic.

What even is this place? What fucking house is this? Why, you're Buddy David's place, of course. God, I need to take a piss. David's... You... Ed! Avery screamed with a pissed-off frown.

Why did he even let this duck go out in town? But it'll be fine, trust me. Plus, it's not like either one of us is something they can see. Wait, what do you mean? Oh, gods, I really needed to pee. You go in and I'll follow. I'll BRB. Before he could complain, the duck had already left,

and begrudgingly Avery did as Ed had said. He was pretty sure this could count as theft. He had to admit this place could look better. The least offensive thing was an ugly Christmas sweater. As soon as Ed comes back, I swear I'll fucking kill him. Could the lights here be any more fucking dim? It didn't take long for Avery to find a light, and as soon as he reached it,

his eyes widened at the strange sight. There he saw David, next to his keyboard he was sitting, and of his presence the catman was entirely unwitting. His thoughts with something else tonight they were occupied, a small tabby cat cuddling by David's side. But how? Could this be? How is he so calm? To know he'd delayed the video by at least two weeks, he should feel calm. There it is. I knew you'd find him. Quite a cute sight, that is. I guess. Avery talked back to the duck man. He was still unsure of this damn drunk idiot's plan. There. Is that better? David's voice caught his attention, and even though his tone was soft and sweet, Avery

could still feel some sort of tension. Steve let out a soft meow as he nuzzled David's face, his movements carrying the utmost class and grace. I'll get you your meds next week, I promise, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to afford much else if I have to be honest. What the hell is he talking about? Avery softly whispered to Ed. That cat looked perfectly healthy and well-fed. Ed didn't say much. He just smiled and chuckled.

He led Avery to a small wooden table, making sure his toga was well-buckled. Air! The duck mumbled with unfitting drunken glee, giving him a small piece of paper for the owl to see. Begrudgingly, but with no other choice, Avery glanced at the sheet, and the sight of all those numbers made his shriveled heart beat. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't comprehend. This was a vet bill no sane vet would defend. Why hasn't he told me about this? I could have helped. Well, Avery, friend of mine, he wanted to, he did. Until you got pissed at him on his pay, you forbid. The owl was stunned. This couldn't be true.

Had he truly acted like some asshole to rue? Yes, David had made a mistake, but don't we all? Maybe, perhaps he had truly dropped the ball. Taking a deep breath and looking deep inside, he pushed his feathers up and stood up with pride. Well, that's too bad. The owl huffed strongly. That's what the idiot gets for acting so wrongly. Seriously?

Was all Ed could really say. All his hard work just gone to waste. It's Christmas time, you jackass. Don't you have a heart? Not since life tore it all apart. Ed wanted to scream, what was wrong with this dude? But another quick sip of his wine immediately changed his mood. Well, fuck, I at least tried, you're a wronger, oh no.

When you see the next guy you'll at least have a cow. That's a weird expression now that I think about it. How do you even get a cow? Your house is definitely not gonna fit. I need another drink. Can you at least drop me home? Oh yeah sure dude. Ed snapped his fingers as he burped out loud, but little did he know the darkness that in

which his head would be enshroud. And by the time he realized that something was wrong, his mind was unable to think of it long, for it was too late. Avery's body was gone. Ed, you stupid, drunken fuck. I swear as soon as I see him, I'm going to kill that damn duck. Avery, his eyes opened, his body trembling to the ground. But the only thing he could see?

A dark, whirling void all around. Beyond it, at the edge of the darkness, the town he could see. But someone was waiting there in the blackness, just for Avery. He was the size of a small dog, but looked like a wig-wearing flea. Just what manner of beast was he? Ayo! The small creature smiled and waved, his legs crossed majestically, and somehow incredibly well shaved. Oh, it's you, Kyle. Avery soon realized he still wasn't used to seeing a flea be so stylized, but at least he figured this was better than the last two.

Unlike the others, Kyle wasn't missing a screw. So, welcome to Limbo. Never mind, his grip on sanity clearly had been the first thing to go. Kyle, just tell me where the hell we're going and what you're trying to teach. With all the things that have happened today, I'm in no mood for you to preach.

So, Avery, you may be wondering what you could be doing here. Stop. Why I'm going to mood for you to preach. So, Avery, you may be wondering what you could be doing here. Stop. Why I'm going to tell you a story, so come with me in here. I really don't want this, Kyle. But this story is not of your past or your present, you see. Kyle, foreplay does not equal consent, damn it. So, stop right now before-

This is a story about the future, so you better not flee. I hate you so much. And as Kyle finished ignoring what Avery complained, he simply stretched out one of his legs and made the scene change. Avery blinked in surprise. Was Kyle actually listening? The excitement of going back home had got Avery's eyes nearly glistening. Hurry up, Avery.

We're late. The flea mumbled at him, and his tone had suddenly changed. It was suddenly so... grim. What are you talking about? Avery raised his brow in fear, a sudden sense of dread clawing its way near. What are we late for? A funeral, of course. Kyle said without jest, and a powerful jolt of worry soon filled Avery's chest.

A funeral? Of who? Was this someone he cared for? Was he responsible for whatever lay beyond the graveyard's iron door? Kyle stepped in and his hand motioned forwards, every move up close, his steps short and awkward. A tombstone he spotted, one covered with thick fog, his feathers set on point by raven's screeches and the howling of dogs. Whose tomb is this?

Is it someone I care for? That it was. Until you killed it, you whore. And as Kyle spoke up, the fog cloud dissipated, and Avery, with fear filling his heart, simply waited. And once it was over, he could finally read, Please Stop Talking Podcast. Rest in peace.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Kyle. The fog suddenly vanished and Avery's foot stomped on the ground. He was clearly not happy at being jerked around. Tell me, for hell's sake, how I could possibly be the one responsible for the podcast's final decree? Kyle was pushed back by Avery's rageful shouting of whether this was a good idea in the first place he was doubting. Well, you see, when mommy and daddy love each other very much- Okay, okay, fine, geez, just, can you please stop talking and sit? Please? Avery was annoyed, but he did as told. He didn't look the least bit happy, his arms firmly fold.

Well then, I'm listening. Tell me how this happened before my eyes start misting. Well, it all started when you were shitting on David, you see. Somehow infecting his life with your brand of misery. It didn't take long until the news got leaked, and well, the whole podcast ran into the longest unlucky streak. First it was the fans abandoning the show, then that asshole Brent Daniel let all the outsiders hate flow. The drama kept getting worse, there was no getting away from that, until you finally decided to fill your second channel with videos of cats. Honestly, your

views grew more than ever before, but that also meant that the podcast was never more. Avery stared at Kyle with nothing but disbelief. He couldn't believe this could all come from some stupid beef, especially the cat part. How could he possibly suggest that he post videos of felines when owls were the fucking

best? Just stop the banter. Tell me what the hell's up. I'm literally a minute away from a fucking mental blow up. Why are you guys doing this? What is the point? I could have had a more enlightening experience from smoking a joint. The point Avery is that this is all wrong.

Trying to make you see your mistakes is what we've been doing all along. Working in Christmas time just for a bigger spike in views, you're only making your brain feel more and more abused. And look at poor David. He's barely making do. Who knows how he and Steve will make it through. I know you care about this review, but what about your own health? Is your body worth the pursuit of fan wealth? That was the laziest rhyme you

could have come up with. And your arguments are great and all, but they still lack pith. After all, all of you idiots are forgetting one crucial detail. None of that is true, you excuse for a shit pail. Yes, I was going to work on Christmas, but that's because I don't have much to do. Don't have plans to call my family soon, so might as well get some work through. And fine, I'll admit, I was perhaps a dick to David, but I was just too pissed for having the review belated. I know how much he cares about Steve. I would never do anything to make him grieve.

If he really does need my help, I'd be happy to balance my karma. And what if the podcast died because of some stupid drama? By the end of the day, I'd still try to be close to all of you, you overdramatic, weird-ass garbage spew. Kyle was left silent, blinking in total surprise, and behind him he could feel the other two dudes' widened eyes. I guess you're right. But then what was the point of this bullshit? Do you know how hard it was to get a drunk Ed to commit? Well, if it's worth anything, I've actually learned a thing or two. For starters, that when it comes to teaching something, you three are as efficient as a hobo's

shoe. That Cameron can't remember shit about my past no matter how many times about my mom he's asked. Or that Ed has a Bacchus outfit lying around for who knows what reason. Like it doesn't even fit the bloody season. Okay, I think that's enough for now. I get your point, I do. But the sly smirk on Avery's face told Kyle that, well, he was screwed. And most important of all of the things I have learned, that I have a group of friends that about me are way too concerned.

Stop it. That beyond all the shit talk, the arguments and memes, Avery, can you not? I still have an amazing group of friends, the team of my dreams. Damn it, Avery. And much to the owl's amusement, he could see there in Kyle's face a single tear of joy, the mark of mirth's grace. Fine.

You win. You didn't have to get all cheesy. Yeah, I admit, that was a bit too much even for me. I'm starting to feel a bit queasy. And with a soft smile that curved Avery's beak, the two broke into a laughter that left their lungs weak. At his friend's shenanigans, Cameron joined in with laughter loud, dragging himself an egg-drunken body,

who was, thanks to all the alcohol, mumbling nonsense on the ground. Well, now that you've effectively wasted my time and killed my mood to work, why don't we give David a visit, you jerk? At Avery's suggestion, Kyle gave a firm nod for what better way to celebrate Christmas than with your favorite idiot squad. And thus was the Christmas of the Owl Avery. As long as he had his friends, not a moment would be unsavory. They got to David's house and cheered for all the good times.

Until a million subs and beyond, where're going to get arrested for dead crimes. And so the night continued onwards just a little bit better, and Avery would deny that his tears of joy made his cheeks wetter. The end. All right, kids, now that was a fun story, wasn't it? All right, go back, go back to your Xboxes and your PlayStations and your Sega Dreamcasts. Have a good time. Daddy's gonna sit here and rest.

Until next Christmas.