Please Stop Talking - Rotten Apples | Lost File

Episode Date: May 17, 2018

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we're going to have a new show where we play Dungeons & Dragons. How neat. Very neat. Okay, David out. This episode of the PST Podcast is so horrific, so awful that they wanted to scrap it. This episode may in fact give you PST PTSD. Who knows? The only way to find out is to sit back, try to relax and enjoy these painful proceedings.

As always, I am your host Avery, but you might know me better as Shammy. Didn't fuck it up that time. Hey, listen, my friend David, you cunt who is also here. David talks just so he can get introduced early. Doesn't David always get introduced second? I always get introduced second. But like before the actual introduction.

It's by importance, that's why you're last. Kyle's not last, Kyle's third. Also, what the fuck, David? David? Okay, so the other people on this podcast are Kyle. Say hello. And the one with the accent, say hello. Oh my god, it's me.

And if it wasn't immediately obvious, well, okay, this episode was supposed to be us talking about drunk stories. And I think David took that as... It's become a drunk story. Yeah, David took that as, get drunk before recording this episode of the podcast. So David's a little bit intoxicated right now. I mean, I'm sorry I said that. and the best thing is we realized uh right before we started recording the proper episode

david's the only one who really has stories he can tell for this episode hey i've got a story that i can tell okay would you like to start cameron or are we gonna start with someone other than david do you want to buffer do you want wanna buffer between two David stories oh have we got two David stories I assume I'm like the rule of twos what was the rule of twos four

are you talking about the rule of threes fuck don't worry Cameron's got the rule of one so it balances out wait what does that mean I honestly don't know all right David so you tell your first story then I tell my story then you tell your okay um thank you for explaining the order to him Cameron I don't think he understood what Cameron's in the middle means. I actually don't know if he did. I don't know. I was not joking.

So this one time, I was at my friend's house. Real name? Really? Is that a real name? Okay, his name is but his- Wait, does he want his name in the story? does he want his name in the story does he want his name in the story he doesn't care he was okay well i mean i was more thinking cam i think cameron and i were both on the page of is this a criminal story no it's no it's not it's not okay okay then you're fine i'm not a criminal cameron is why but go ahead what what did i do what i don't worry you're fine i'm not a criminal camera news why but go ahead what what did i do what

i don't want to bring it up because it was the other story that got deleted on that podcast was it what you never told it on a podcast i don't remember oh i'm not gonna reference it right now refresh it refresh my memory and i'll fucking know i'm not referring no this is david i really want to hear your story i want to hear your drum really want to hear yes please david okay so i was at his house and we it was like around when we were 18 so we we started being able to actually drink and i was in canada well yeah because i'm in canada what i just wanted to i mean who's wanted to make that clear new zealand also has that every episode of someone's hey hang hey david everywhere every episode is someone's first episode

okay hey guys i'm david i'm french i'm canadian the worst type of both of those things true and uh we were playing we got beer and we got a lot of beer actually and we could not handle alcohol at all because it was our first like i can tell times drinking alcohol motherfucker i swear to god and and um we decided to play the uh the don't drink and drive game for mario kart where you i was like so fucking concerned i was so concerned you're like you said this wasn't a legal game game no no okay uh we played that game and i i can i i cannot handle carbonation at all so everybody we started playing the game and i just i chugged it and i felt like shit and i think i lost i don't i think i lost and the moment ended, I just could not handle the carbonation.

I had to fucking puke. So I just ran to his sink because we were in a downstairs area that was never really used in his house. And I just go to the sink. I fucking vomit my life out of my mouth and for like i every time we would go out to bars or whatever we would keep talking about that one time i got really fucking drunk and vomited in his um sink thing is maybe a year or two after like when i mean they never used that that part i mean they never went

there at all okay and they were moving out like just moving from that house to another and they went to his mom went to the sink and there was fucking vomit in it. You didn't clean it? You didn't clean it? Are you insane? I was drunk out of my mind. You didn't wake up the next morning? Did you stay at that house? No, I did not. That's the thing. I did not. And they

asked him, they were like, what the fuck is this? And he could not for the life of him remember and then at one point we were at a party and i said hey remember that one time you played that and i just could i fucking died and he was like just had this eureka moment oh my god it you. It was always you. Holy shit. How disgusting is that though?

You ruined my life. I bet his mom made him clean it up as well. Yeah, she absolutely did. I can't even imagine what two-year-old throw up. Yeah, two-year-old. That sounds horrifying. It's so gross. How did they not smell it like

I feel like at a point nobody stops smelling actually yeah no it'd probably dry up a little bit a lot of it

entirely I would say all the moisture is gone maybe oh god why did you vomit in the sink you're asking

drunk David that question how did drunk David I'm drunk David yeah I am asking drunk David that question you're asking drunk david that question how did drunk david i'm drunk david yeah i am asking drunk david that question we're asking the cult we're asking the culprit right now i don't know i don't know i was it was like oh the sink's there i i think it's because actually you know what i think it wasn't like oh maybe i should go find a better place like the toilet it was i couldn't make it.

I don't think I could have made it. I think I would have been on the ground. How far was the sink from the toilet? What kind of MC Escher-ass fucking bathroom were you in? It was not a bathroom. What? It was a downstairs area with... I don't know.

It was just a random... Like a kitchenette? Was it like a kitchenette? I assume like a wash sink for like clothes. Yeah, for clothes. Yeah, like the ones that you had. But they didn't use that room and they

didn't have washing machines there. But can we also talk about how the fact that if you buy a house and don't use a room for literally two years to where you don't see the sink with throw up in it. Like that's insane as well. Yeah.

I think that's more insane. Actually, that's misusing the house. Okay. Let me tell you, actually, that reminds me of another thing. This one.

Oh, shit. I need to ask if I can use his name, actually. Oh, no. So when I asked, would he like his name actually oh no so when I asked Would he like his name?

Can we pause real quick because my cat is actually yelling really fucking loud, okay? We'll use that not the actual be right back noise my cat keeps he kept meowing so I Yeah, what do you want no because are you you sound like a madman we're not keeping this can we keep the part we should keep the part where you say I'm sorry my cat and you come back I mean it didn't take long I could anyways so I'll ask if he's okay with this if not just censor his name like he's a god damn gremlin

actually I think I'm gonna have to censor his name because you know I'm gonna censor his name it's fine I mean that's it's not even his real name I'm really glad that this podcast is steadily making David unhirable. I think that's my favorite thing about it. That's not true.

I'm okay. I'm doing good. Yeah. I mean, they don't know about it though. Okay. So this one time we went to his, I lived in his stepdad's apartment because his stepdad was in india i lived there for a month because we were like oh one day we might live together like as roommates and it's gonna be fucking sick and so i lived there for a month while i was attending

college for shits and giggles and one time we were like let's smoke some weed kyle sorry and we did not have paper so we but we saw this one video where they made a bong with an apple so we made when not a bong a pipe i'm sorry a pipe with an apple so we made wait not a bong a pipe I'm sorry a pipe with an apple so we made a an apple pipe a pipe apple pineapple we made a pineapple strictly for tobacco only

equivalent exchange and what we nevermind go ahead he's being an idiot and saying like oh we used it for weed ha ha got him no no pineapple but we made a pie tell the fucking story it was an apple anyways apple and um he was making a full meal we smoked we smoked in it and eventually i was like oh we just finished all smoking all our weed so let's just

i'm just gonna eat the apple now and i as a joke wait as a joke so i i didn't bite where we smoked i i bit like because you have to do a hole in everything i bit on the opposite side like really far and i took a small small part we got crossfaded that night and i we didn't notice but the apple was um very very old and very very run and it was hang on yeah so you got crossfaded did you get high or drunk first? Drunk, I think Okay So I was about to say, how did you not notice you were sober when you made the apple pipe? We're not smart, people

That is true You got three-way crossfaded, it was one of those fucked Venn diagrams with three circles And right in the middle was you What fucked him up the most was the fucking apples, super fermented. Dude, maybe. Who the fuck knows, man? Nature is crazy.

Hang on, David, have you continued drinking since we started? Oh, dude, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Jesus. So go on, David. I'm excited for you to edit this and start messaging me. God, I'm so fucking annoying.

What the fuck? I thought I was a fun drunk. You are a fun drunk. I'm not going to be a sad drunk because of you. You are a fun drunk. I just don't know anyone who can listen to themselves while drunk and not go, God, I'm obnoxious. Me. Oh, that's not a good

trait, but go ahead. That's great. Go ahead. I have the power. I mean, what we are waiting on you to continue the story. Is the story done? Is that both of your stories is that both of your stories

these are some Kyle ass stories right now what oh my god what they don't conclude what do you mean okay do you want a conclusion I bit the apple it was gross

and I fucking spit it on the ground that's what I'm saying it's like a Kyle story Kyle stories are like I went to this concert and there's all this build up and then I saw a man's balls and that's it there's no closure

you can not steal my shtick this isn't a story his first story was I mean the first story was I'm a bad person. Was that it? Cameron, would you like to tell a top-tile story? Those stories were just connected, right?

That was an extra story. That wasn't your second story, right? You had another one. You want the second story? No, no, no. I was going to tell my story. I was just asking if you have another one after hello everybody and welcome to another episode if everyone explains how the podcast

works to david while he drinks himself into a stupor god i am fine okay so i'm gonna tell my story now because i feel like david's done his first one i feel like he has as well we haven't done drunk stories on the podcast before right no i don't think so okay okay so this is the story of the most drunk i've ever gotten nice i want to say uh i've told i think i've told you guys have you ever been blackout drunk this is that we're gonna learn uh so it was near, it was one of the New Years, and, uh, I, uh, I came to this party that I was going to do a New Year's party. Wait, wait. What's up? You too?

Oh, shit, that was my second story. Alright, well, look, okay. Nice. When we cross that bridge, we'll get to it, David. But I went to a New Year's party, and I brought... When we cross that bridge, we'll get to it david but i i went to a new year's party wait and i brought when we cross that bridge we'll get to it cameron have you been drinking it's like it's like 1 p.m for you isn't it i've not been drinking i just fucked up okay it's fine listen listen cameron so everybody makes

mistakes yeah i know everybody has those days oh my god okay so i went to the party with about i want to say eight beers i wasn't planning to drink a lot were you the twink what does that mean something like you said bears. Ignore me. Ignore me at all times. What the fuck is wrong with you? Bears that you drink? Not like that. I've had a bear. That so i and i wasn't planning to

i i was trying to ignore that i wasn't planning to drink a lot that night and so i was that's always how it happens that's always how it happens you're like i'm not gonna drink that much tonight and then you get fucking shit face what's your ed unless you're ed all right tonight i'm getting blackout and then he dies and then he does it it's good god so like i'm i sorry i drink those those eight beers and then i get i'm walking out and it has like a patio and they're playing uh beer pong and i get invited over like hey do you want to come play some beer pong i'm like oh i don't know it's no and i eventually eventually i'm like yeah sure fine why not so

i'm i'm playing this guy in beer pong and i've like played it once before so i'm getting like i'm getting fucked by this guy like I he's hitting all of it and I've like this one of the bears wording Cameron I think do you mean phrasing Kyle but uh sure I mean what you just what you just got mad at Kyle for was wording so all right look guys this is bully camera now i get it we can't really david it's not fair so anyway he's he's beating me and uh beer pong you guys are fucking 12 years old. I can't believe this. I actually... I am...

So, like, fucking... Kyle, shut the fuck up. I'm trying to listen to my friend Cameron's story. Sorry. And I... So, like, I'm halfway through the game. Like, I've lost half. And then it's just been beer in the, in the pong cups, uh, and, uh, then I, I, I lose one more, and then I drink it, and it's just flat Jägermeister, but filled halfway up.

Oh, fuck. i want to say like a quarter of the way up i don't want to say hot but like and i i drink it and i'm like what the fuck is this why is this suddenly different like god we ran out of beer so we just started pouring jagermeister into them like what the fuck and so like it's fine continue it and i'm like slightly like you know not i'm not sober at this point right and i'm like all right whatever dude so i continue playing and i lose the rest of them and then i'm not sober at this point right and i'm like all right whatever dude so i continue playing and i lose the rest of them and then i'm just like absolutely like fuck like fuck i've drunk like a shit ton of jagermeister and it's the worst it's just flat jagermeister there's no red bull like i guess they ran out of red bull as well so like it was just fucking jagermeister and i feel really fucking sick and like i go around to

the back of the house and throw up like a little bit and then uh the rest of this i don't remember so well but uh that's generally how it works for what i so like for what i can piece to tell from what people have told me is that like i then at some point got do you guys know what a goon bag is that sounds racist that sounds really bad it's not racist uh i don't know what a goon bag it's like it's like you know cardboard boxes of of wine yeah oh boxed wine it's box it's boxed wine but you take it out of the box and it's just a bag of wine yes um so in in austral New Zealand, like people just walk around with those. And at some point I got my hands on one and started drinking that. And I finished the goon bag.

And then some girl, I think she ran away from the party or something. And then her boyfriend called the cops on her and then like i'm like walking around and then someone says oh we're gonna go try and find her and i'm like really drunk at this point i'm like hell yeah and she's like run away from the party with them like with a with my phone flashlight out just like yelling out like where are you and then and then because someone called the cops the cops arrive and they they're like uh they're like asking like oh where do you think she might have gone to stuff like that and i don't i don't know her like like well so i have got no clue and then they like ask me like oh how old are you because like i'm drunk and i and like i'm 18 at the time but i but i asked them like 18

and they just like look at me sideways and i'm like and then they get fucking then they continue talking to her boyfriend or something that i'm like running around my friends god it was the fucking weirdest night that i've ever had uh i i can't actually remember how i got home i think it was a taxi i would hope it was a taxi taxi or an uber yeah we don't have ubers oh right i forgot you live on a prison continent yeah that's nice but it was just like the way like there's a fucking video of me um that my friend took of me like like looking splice it in no splice it no but me looking listen david at this point what i've heard from this story is cameron had a wild night that he can't remember with eight bears and a goon bag and he there might be a video of it oh my god no

it was me sitting it was me sitting down like looking fucking out of my mind and then like i look at the camera and like give it like this fucking hot this cheesy smile and then i like try and get up from the chair and like like fucking like like really fucking unbalanced just like wheeling as i get up and then i just fall back into the chair and like go oh i'm just like fucking i can't stand god i'm so surprised i fuck that was a fucking weird time and i have never got that drunk again because i'm fucking clueless of what I might do. It's pretty good, though. Wait, hang on.

Was this so? OK, so a little peek behind the curtain about the history of this podcast for like episode four or something. I think we wanted to do drunk stories, but Cameron went and then Cameron went. I don't really have any drunk stories I can tell. And then I said, all right, well, what are you doing tonight? And he's like, I'm getting, I'm going to make some drunk stories. No, this is New Year's. No, this is New Year's, so it was before.

I do, I mean, I would have a story from that night. It's just that it's like, I know those people and it's kind of like bad on me. It's a bad light of the inside can't use their real names yeah but their names is james i hear it that no it's the end yeah so they know you know the story what is what is the knowing that you told a story about them that i mean are you gonna shit talk them uh okay hey hey all of cameron's friends cast now you know how he feels about you there has to be like three friends three of your friends i listen to podcasts now they know you're gonna say i've heard you're gonna say you have to have like three friends

no it's like a small amount of your friends are going to listen to this podcast right unless all of your friends listen to it in which case oh no what i don't understand your point david do you not understand that people that means other people things no but you just saying that you're gonna talk shit about them yeah no nothing no you're gonna talk shit about that's separate from i don't understand what your point about. What is your point? About not all of his friends listen to the podcast. That's what I'm not understanding. I don't

get that because they can just tell all the people it's, fuck, this is a weird point. Do you want to tell your story, David? Unless Kyle I don't want Cameron to get away with this that easily. I feel like I should get away with this very easily. Please get away with this very easily please keep Cameron talking cause I forgot

my story it's really good that you decided to get David hey David stop drinking stop drinking you've had enough we're still recording the podcast David you need to stop drinking take another shot man Kyle you shot, man. Kyle.

Kyle! What the fuck is wrong with you? You're a bad friend! You're a bad friend! I'm not a bad friend. I'm just... Kyle! I look out for the podcast, alright? Oh my god. What do you mean you look out for the podcast? He doesn't remember his story. The podcast can't happen if he keeps drinking. Nah, he'll get

drunk enough to remember. Hey, David. What? Come up with a story and tell it right now. No. This one time I was very, very young. I went to the mall and it was during Christmas time. There were the little Christmas clowns around this mechanical igloo. Elves? Elves.

I was so scared of those fucking clowns i went to a clown i told him i fucking told him i told him my look at me again never come back to this igloo it is mine now i usurped santa claus i took his fucking throne i became santa claus throne. I became Santa Claus and since then I am Iron Man. To me it sounds like David was not Iron Man, but he was the king of the north.

The David I know would leave a fucking Yelp review, not kick him in the shins and shit. You're so fucking... You're so Santa and... The David I know would leave a fucking Yelp review, not kick him in the shins and shit. You're so fucking... You're so tentative. Jesus fucking Christ. Honestly, bravo, David. Honestly, that was...