Please Stop Talking - Simps & Gimps (feat. Boo_Rad13y) | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: July 5, 2020

Keep your figs away from the donkeys.   Support the podcast and Patreon ▶ https://www.patreon.com/SirMeowMusic   Humble Bundle Monthly ▶ http://humble.pleasestopshopping.com/ Humble Bundle ▶ https://www.humblebundle.com/?partner=pstpodcast/   Join the PST Discord server! ▶ https://discord.gg/YNqTT65   Links:  David ▶ https://twitter.com/SirMeowMusic  Ed ▶ https://twitter.com/PunkDuck_  Brendan ▶ https://twitter.com/BrendanielH  Boo ▶ https://twitter.com/Boo_Rad13y  Podcast ▶ https://twitter.com/PSTPodcast  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Must be legal drinking age. Welcome back, everybody, to The Game, the only game show where you just lost. Now, Mr. Winkle-a-Dinkle-opolis, you have one more question to go before becoming the next gamist. Oh my God. Here goes. What is the best way to support Please Stop Talking? I would like to use a lifeline and call my wife, Mrs. Winkle of Dinkleopolis. All righty.

Hello, this is Mrs. Winkle of Dinkleopolis. Hey, you toots, it's your husband. And I'm on the last question on the game. I gotta know what's the best way to support. Please stop talking. Don't fuck this up for me, baby. Oh my god, oh my god! Okay, uh, I think it might be their Patreon, yeah? Ya think so?

Yeah, cause you can send them money in exchange for rewards like naming an NPC on Perilous Storytelling and asking a question for the patron Q&A. But what about the merch store, PleaseStopShopping.com? I really think you should try www.patreon.com slash Surnyamusic, puddin'. So, Mr. Winkle-a-Dinkle-opolis, is patreon.com slash Surnyamusic your final answer? Yes. Well, I'm happy to say that you're the next gay man.

Holy fucking shit. I can't believe that Punk Duck is moonlighting as a police psychic. You're saying I'm the bald chick from Minority Report? Is that who I am? I can feel it. I'm living in the bathtub. I can feel it.

The corpse is right there. Person missing. is that who I am? I can feel it. I'm living in the bathtub. I can feel it. There's a person missing and they're sad. Brendan, that's literally the plot of Minority Report. The ghost is fondling my balls. They're sad. You're just missing Tom Cruise running. No, isn't there Minority Report the one where

there's like a bunch of billiards? Minority Report is Minority Report is the reason minority to report the one where there's like a bunch of billiards billiards minority report minority minority ghost minority report is the reason that ed's gonna get canceled no there's a bunch of balls fucking list i need to talk about the ghosts no shut the fuck up the police own psychics that are swimming in like evil within two bathtubs. And then some. Yeah basically. And then they go murder. And then balls come out of their organs. And they roll into Tom Cruise's digital hands.

How the fuck is not real? You're making us up. What's worse? What's worse? Fucking shitting out a murder ball. Or having a fucking. What's it called? Imagine it.

Imagine Tom Cruise. No you have to piss out a fucking... What's it called? Imagine they were beating up the crews. No, you have to piss out a fucking salt thing. A fucking... What? Kidney stone? That's not Minority Report. Yeah, what's worse, kidney stone or shitting out a murder ball? Oh, I don't know if they're actually shitting it out. The ball just shows up.

I assume it comes out of their brain. Imagine if those people got fired and they had to reuse them. They could use them for the lottery. Again, this is also the plot of Minority Report. Tom Cruise kidnaps one of them and then uses her to find the guy who killed his son. Why doesn't he use her for the winning lottery numbers?

He's a fucking idiot. Like you could make so much bank off of a psychic. Is everybody recording right now? I'm recording, yeah. Yeah, I'm recording. Okay. Yeah. Welcome to the podcast.

Tom Cruise, you're a short fucking hack. Oh, no. Now Scientologists are going to come after us in the comments. I hope when Scientologists finally catch me, they plate me in gold and bury me in the desert for future generations to find and worship. I just want to be buried in the desert. Let's be real here.

There are people who are like, yeah, just feed me to the wolves. But I want to be embalmed in gold and placed into the desert. That's an Egyptian as fuck way to go. That's what Nick Cage is doing. Nick Cage bought a pyramid. Well, yes. No way. No, yeah.

Nick Cage bought a pyramid and he's going to be buried in it when he dies. We should be a Harry Potter franchise. Are we talking about as big as the Las Vegas pyramid? I don't know how big it is, but I do know for a fact that he bought a pyramid. He also got in trouble for stealing a dinosaur skull that he later had to return. Okay, but where did he get it though? I don't think he stole it. I think he bought it from, like, a dealer

not knowing it was stolen and had to return it because it was stolen. Yes. That sounds more accurate. The first question is, who are fossil dealers? Like, where do you even find those? Yeah, where the... You just find them behind the Kmart.

Where do you find... Yeah. Behind the Kmart? Behind the Kmart, yeah. Dude, I need to get my hands on a stick of Swarceleg. I mean, to be honest, Kmart is a fossil. If you're behind a the Kmart. Behind the Kmart, yeah. Kmart is dead. I mean, to be honest, Kmart is a fossil. If you're behind a fucking Kmart, you can find anything. You're a local Kmart right now.

You get the fossil dealers behind the Kmart, you get the crack cocaine dealers behind the Denny's, and you get the balloon dealers behind the Waffle House. It's all common knowledge. The balloon dealers? I mean, hey, some people can get high off helium. I think we should make it legal. Oh, right, yeah.

Is laughing gas legal? Yeah, I mean, not like to just do casually. You can't just get it. I mean, let's come on. Ed, have you seen the Joker? Oh, true. You guys? People might think I have a mental disorder.

He never once went to a hospital and bought laughing gas from the hospital gift shop. That's how I know The Joker was the shittiest movie I've ever seen. Hey man, I'm going to the hospital. You want me to bring you a souvenir? Oh yeah, just bring some laughing gas.

Can you get me a couple canisters of laughing gas, a syringe filled with mysterious liquid, and a bone saw? I'm just going to be having some fun later. Isn't that like 90% of Joker's plans, though? Oh, I'm going to replace the water with laughing gas. I'm going to replace the water supply with gas. Yeah, but it's like poison laughing gas. That doesn't sound too bad.

So it kills you. So everybody laughs until they piss and shit out their organs or something? I think it's more like the blood vessels. You laugh so hard, the blood vessels in your brain start bursting. It's like, it's more like the blood vessels. You laugh so hard, the blood vessels in your brain start bursting. It's like instant aneurysm. Is that how it works? Yeah.

It's like aneurysm. Can you actually die? Is it actually possible to die of laughter? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent.

You can die of fucking anything. Well, cause you could have a pre, you could have a pre-existing condition. You could have a pre-existing condition and then the laugh can set you over. Asphyxiation, I guess. No i guess no not right no you won't you won't asphyxiate from laughing i'm saying like the stress from laughing can set off like a pre-existing condition like let's say if you have a heart condition or if your brain big hurdy it can set off a heart attack it can set off a brain attack

it can set off a cock attack but it's not gonna kill you because you can't stop laughing i i googled death from laughter and there there's just like a picture of a greek statue that says chris chris chris sippis cripple chris allegedly yeah chris chris hippis of sold allegedly died of laughter after witnessing a donkey eating his figs oh fuck it's fig time baby yeah he fucking he he went into cardiac heart attack brother heart attack That's so fucking crazy. I hope I die laughing. First recorded man in history died of donkey. I'm pretty sure donkeys are bastards.

They've probably killed people. Oh, they absolutely do. Oh, yeah, yeah. Donkeys are like fucking kangaroos. You seen those legs? They fucking kick. They fucking kick your chest in in this case

was the donkey the murderer yes absolutely oh cause he died of no don't you get it I wouldn't say he was the murderer I don't know if he was baiting him into seeing him then maybe

he got pushed over a line and said, that's it, I'm going to eat these figs. That's it, I'm eating these figs. You're going to fucking laugh at it. You're going to pay. If I saw a donkey eating my figs, I'd chuckle. Minimum chuckle.

Speaking of donkeys eating figs, y'all got grinder stories? I mean, yeah, but... Yeah. The fuck was that? Yeah, that was a great... Well, I mean, that was a great transition. Are you sure about that?

Yeah, I don't know. I found it... I mean, yeah. Today, I'm on David's side. That's the plan today. Oh, actually, if the transition was in reference to that one steve crowder shirt then that was a genius transition what oh oh nice one dude david you're a genius you prepared this script and executed it perfectly thank you i i i actually took a few liberties from the script that avery sent me

because he's the one that writes all these jokes yeah cameron's the one that cameron does the first draft we scrap everything oh yeah by the way listeners the maddie mccann joke that i make in about 40 minutes that was also written by avery i take no responsibility man i hope you remember to do that i mean i got the script oh right right right why would avery write in the script you reminding me oh that's kind of fucked speaking of scripted events anybody want to speaking of quick time hang on i'm checking the script i mean the topics chat oh right oh well, I'm fucking stupid. You ask it. Do you guys have any Grindr stories? I checked the topics chat.

All I wrote down is Grindr story. And also because I know Boo has a fucking Grindr story. Wasn't I supposed to go first? Yeah, you can go first. Things tend to derail when you... What's with this podcast? Why is this podcast so fucking gay? Let's do it alphabetically.

Go ahead. ahead no come on i'm a guest come on we all know what happened that's how it's supposed to be it was shit cast but come on was it yeah yeah but the don't worry too far to the right i'm here i'm help you. I'm going to be honest. It's going to be a while until I top that story. Don't worry. We're talking like in a year. Listen, just in case, you can go first.

Okay. I don't want to afford that moment. My Grindr story happened when I was in college. Oh, did you have a gay phase in college? No. My whole life's a gay phase. Oh, I get you. In retrospect now, I'm genuinely surprised

that I was in college for about four months and I have so many stories about it. That's because college is fucking eventful. Yeah, especially your first year of college. At least it was for me. It's because of the fucking huge transition from being the child of your parents to becoming a fucking degenerate. And it's also the everybody's first.

And this is the advice I got, because at first I was like reluctant to meet like all these fucking new people. But then I got this advice like, hey, everybody's on the same boat as you. Everybody that's here right now knows nobody. So just if you start talking to someone they'll most likely just like not act weird they'll just go oh thank god somebody that wants to talk to me yeah so everybody's just trying to be their least amount of weird and try to look normal but like the moment they get drunk they just go like bro i fucking love vocaloids oh dude bro i fucking love dominoes atsunemiku app i still have it you know i had like i had like a i had like a thing written down and it was

how long is it going to take david to bring up dominoes hatsune miku again no it's all written on the script remember yeah yeah yeah i know just read just wait right right here dude it's like it's right there david how how enamored you are with the dominoes hatsune miku ad i just honestly ever since it got disconnected delisted i've been trying dude it's just so fucking weird why dominoes anyways ed ed continue i mean now i want to know about the app what is it like this is a hatsune miku selling you pizza no it's papa john posing with satsumi miku and you order no it's not papa john it's dominoes there was just a dominoes hatsune miku collaboration that's literally it there was a dominoes hatsune miku collaboration and that's it nothing? He was awkwardly posing.

No, there was an app. There was like a little hologram app that would like have Hatsune Miku dance on the pizza or something. Yeah, it was like if you opened one of those pizza things, there would be like a QR code or whatever. And if you'd used your phone and you put like you use your camera on the QR code thing, Hatsune Miku would pop up and just like. Damn, she got some greasy feet. Yeah, she she would start dancing and singing Gangsta's Paradise. And like then she would then she would burst in flames and you could eat your pizza. Can that be the thumbnail, please?

Hatsune Miku pizza delivery man sorry you're obsessed i gotta keep dressing all of our employees like hatsune miku get the blue wigs get oh dude this is when you go to fucking anime when you go to anime conventions, you just see all these fucking dudes, like these sweaty motherfuckers with those caps that are just like the ponytails of Hatsune Miku. And they just walk around and slap everybody constantly. When I went to Nebraska, it was just a sea of overweight men dressed as Misty from Pokemon, like 50 to 60 of them. You could hear the wheezing from outside. You could. The smell. The worst was the smell.

The smell. It permeated the air like a bad cheese pizza. Ed, you were talking about college being an interesting experience. I was speaking about an interesting experience. Why don't you being an interesting experience i was speaking about an interesting experience why don't you continue your interesting experience for me well um so as i was saying this uh this little bad boy happened in college so you were born in college no no i call you this little bad boy oh no no no no you are mistaken but uh i'm setting the stage because okay this is the context that it's that is needed um back in college i made this video where it was just one of those q and a vids

and somebody asked me because like multiple people were asking me to make a fucking different social media like why don't you have an instagram why don't you blah blah and then every time i would get a question i like as a joke i would make the account instantly like live and then somebody asked me like you know as a joke do you have a grinder i just went yeah i do and i just it was just like a one second gag but i actually made an account for it so basically you actually put pictures of yourself on Grindr? No, I just made an account. I called it PunkDuck and I just had a Grindr account. For fun, I was like

I'm just going to start using it and see what happens. Got a lot of dick pics. Of course. I don't know if that sounds surprising. No. It's not surprising, yeah. No, it's not.

You literally... You either get conversation... Grindr is well known. You either get conversation initiated with a dick pic, or you get conversation initiated with, hey, handsome. And you go, hey, what's up? And then he just sends you a picture of his cock,

and he goes, I'm hard. What about you? No one, no. All right, cool. I'm at the grocery store. This is an app on my phone I'm just trying to engage in discussion

what are you up to oh I'm just I'm just using the Domino's Hatsune Miku app to fucking virtually have Hatsune Miku singing

Gangsta's Paradise dude it's fine she's dancing on my pepperonis I wanna dance on your pepperonis hey here's a picture

of my cock and there you go and then Hatsune Miku yeah and Hatsune's half my conversations. And then Hatsune Miku. Yeah, and Hatsune Miku's on your cock. Yeah, Hatsune Miku's on my balls. I filtered out for one second. We're already talking about Hatsune Miku and cock. All right.

Listen, listen to Christ. Listen, we're sticking to the script. Hatsune Miku grinder ass. This is why I just, when David's like, hey, do you want to record? I'm like, I'm going to be the dad today. I'm just going to put my foot down and be Brynden. It's only fair because I was the dad last time. Okay.

I'll be a hearty dad stew. During your fucking stream, I was the dad. I'm sorry. I get drunk really freaking easily. I apologize. It was my birthday. Your birthday. My birthday.

You only had like two shots of vodka. I had four shots of vodka. Okay. He kept, no, he kept, he kept stealing it from. I did. I did. I got a little wet. I got a little wet.

It's okay. He kept stealing the vodka bottle from Shelby. She, she got upset. He did. I'm a, I'm a nightmare. I don't drink. So anyways, Ed, about dick pics on Grindr. Yeah.

I was just going to let this keep going. No, I want to hear about dicks. Uh, but yeah, I was getting a lot of dick pics. I was just like using it for fun. Uh,

I can't remember my username for the life of me, but yeah. And then I noticed that a lot of, uh, people didn't have profile pictures, which is weird. I don't know. I don't know why that's even allowed

especially for like dating apps i'm pretty sure a profile picture is like required uh but a lot of these dudes just had like defalto mode um so whenever i would either initiate or get initiated by or like reply to a conversation always be a guy with a profile picture. And just... Really, long story short, one of my flatmates was on there. And... I just remembered, my username was not PunkDuck. My username was just something, because he knew that

my alias on the internet was PunkDuck. What was my username? I think it was CockGarage. I want to say it was he was he just started talking to me and then i was and then uh i checked his profile picture and went that guy looks really familiar and that's when i realized a grinder actually uses people that are near you yeah and

it was just one of my flatmates he was very and you just found some to this day he has no idea but i have seen his shaft oh did he did he was he one of the shaft boys one of the all of them were shaft boys david it was oh nice dude i literally he just said, hey, hey, stud. I was like, yo, what's up? And then he just fucking just picture of his cock and balls. Like, which just, what are you doing right now? Gaming? I don't know.

What about you? I mean, what year was that? Fucking 2016? I want to say. Kingdom Hearts. I'm installing Fallout 4 or something. What about you damn it was only after the cock and balls that i noticed the profile picture and like i enlarged it

and yeah just one of my flatmates and now it makes sense why uh pressuring him into like getting with some chick at parties just wouldn't work damn it'd be the way it do be did you pressure him to getting into some guys at the party? I mean, after that I knew, but the thing is, I couldn't... He was very clearly hiding it from everybody, and I couldn't suddenly be like, hey, that guy's hot

without him being like, how do you know I am Cock Garage? Maybe he still remembers. What if he asked me like how do you know and i just pull up a picture of his cock and balls maybe he's still out there thinking about cock garage and being like man i really wonder what that was the one that night. Yeah, that was the one that got away. Yeah, the one that got away. Cock Garage 96. I'll never meet another man that likes Fallout 4. Speaking of tragic. Yeah, that was my Grindr story.

Didn't use it much, really. It was mostly like just, I'm going to see a bunch of dudes' cocks. I wanted to see if there was like one guy that i could talk to without seeing his penis but mission failed for the most part when i was using dating apps it's mostly dick pics and then the odd one dude that just talks to you and it's fucking awkward as shit oh if we're gonna make this about dating apps i got plenty of those but i want to hear booze grind grinder story first i also do okay okay this is gonna be all right so this isn't as late as ed's story this is sometime

last year like around like august or july before i even met david so yeah i wasn't really looking for a relationship at the time but i want to try new things get out there and have a little quick hookup see what it was like because i mean when you go to grinder what else do you fucking expect like you get you're putting yourself out there hoagie so you're so you went into it knowing it would just be like casual sex yeah pretty much dude when i okay when i'm on grinder when i'm on grinder i'm just they send me a dick pic, I'm like, so it's going to be a number nine line. I want a good, delicious sandwich, please. Can I have a Philly

cheesesteak? Here's my address. When I got a dick pic, I replied with, bro, fix matchmaking. He showed me his balls. I was like, when are you going to implement rollback netcode anyways i sign up for grinder make my profile and whatnot and just like browse for a few days there's nothing but a bunch of grody looking grandpas and creepozoids

because like i'm in the middle of upstate new york right in between buffalo and like some of the other cities. So you're kind of deprived of options. But eventually I did see this one guy. He actually messaged me. That's the thing. Nearly every single message I got, people were messaging me for some reason.

Yeah, same here. And he looked somewhat decent. I was like, all right, let's see where this goes. So we were talking for a few weeks, for a couple of days, and started doing the Grindr thing. alright, let's see where this goes. So we were like talking for a few weeks, like for a couple days, and like started talking, you know, doing the Grindr thing, and you messaged back and forth and whatnot, and we wanted to

arrange a meeting. What's the Grindr thing? I'm got, you lost me there. You know, dick swaps. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, dude, come on, what do you expect? I mean, okay, we gotta specify here, did you say dick swaps or dick swabs? Dick swabs.

Those are two very different things. Let me send you, let me send you a tissue sample and you can examine it and see if I'm a worthy mate. Oh, yeah. I fucking hate that idea.

That's a pick up line I've ever seen. That's fucking awful. David, I'm going to use that on you someday. Anyways. Yo,

yo, bro, you swabbed me. Why did you say that? Listen, you're going to fucking that on you one someday. Anyways. Yo, bro, you swabbed? Why did you say that? Listen, you're going to fucking cut it anyway. Who cares? Anyways. No, I don't cut anything anymore.

I'm above. I'm not above anything. Are you sure about that? Yeah. Okay, we'll see. So we do the grinder thing, dick swabs and whatnot getting the knowledge getting getting information and whatnot and eventually we tried to arrange a meeting for like like we couldn't like schedule up so we had to like do it for a few weeks so in between that time he would uh he would like message me some stuff

and he occasionally mentioned that he has a sex swing so yeah like What does that mean? A sex swing? You don't know what a sex swing is? Is that a device? It's a device that you fuck on. No, it's actually... Amazon bestsellers. Oh! Oh my god! Continue!

It's like this. It's basically a but ramps and ramshackles. It's like this. It's basically a swing that the bottom sits on and the top is like fucking, I guess. I mean, technically, yeah, but this time he had a full-on stand

and everything. It was weird. A what? A stand for it. It was like a sole stand. He didn't hook it up to the ceiling. It was just like fucking standing by itself. It was like a designated sex swing. Yeah, pretty much. Was it? Okay.

Okay, so. Aren't they all designated? I don't know. I thought of like, what else can you use a sex swing for? Like, you're not going to use it like an appliance. Oh, you can use it like a hammock? You and your partner's sex life gets stale, so you just

put it in a pantry. It kind of seems fun to just swing around. You don't have to have sex on it. You can just... What's that? Wee-hee! Woo-hoo! Using my sex swing while finishing

Ender's game. The 50 shades of boo, please. Oh my god! Why? Why? Why? What the fuck, man? Hey, in case David doesn't cut this,

he just posted a man's balls. Oh, I didn't see it. Thank goodness. I missed that. No, he was swinging and having a good time. Was he, though? I mean, I don't know. He looked so bored. He seemed pretty happy about it. I know.

Dude, I'm going to rate that one out of five stars. Anyways, I was a little bit weirded out at first because like, oh, what the fuck is this? But eventually like, hey, you know what? I might as well try new things. Why not? And that was the first red flag. A few days later,

he brings up another thing that he does and he mentions that he has like a leather mask. Oh god. Something like that. Specifically those fucking neoprene ones that look like a fucking dog head or something. Oh no! This is just gonna turn into Specifically those fucking neoprene ones that look like a fucking dog head or something. Oh, no. This is just going to turn into the Bruce Willis chapter in Pulp Fiction.

I can already tell where this is going. Yeah, you fucking joke. But yeah, hold on. I got to find a picture of this. No, I know exactly what it looks like. For some reason, it's really popular. I'm still recovering from that guy's balls and asshole. I think I'm good.

Don't worry. it's just this it's just for people listening it's basically like a bondage thing that looks like a dog face it's a fucking gimp suit it's an animal gimp suit yeah pretty much

and I was extremely weirded out because like can you fucking blame me but i was like hey look i was trying to like rationalize because like one part like i could like first off i was horny so i didn't like just glossed over it no brain no brain just go i got full cum brain going on anyways uh just try to like try to rationalize it like hey maybe it's not so weird i'm trying new things what's the worst that could happen and that was the second red flag so after getting weirded out by that a few days speak passed by and he like mentioned something

about like and he mentions about the location of the sex swing he tells me he fucking tells me uh we got yeah my my roommates don't allow people in the house we're gonna have to do it in the garage oh no yeah but the thing is the picture he showed the picture he showed me was like it looked like a fully furnished place like and I figured like just a little bit of context like back when I lived in my parents house in Florida like throughout my childhood we converted our old garage into a livable room like we put in like carpets put on lighting stuff like that so i figured hey he was talking about the same thing so so that was the third third red flag or four i don't really know i kind of lost track this is better than this is better

than what i was picturing boo i thought you going to say the sex swing was at his parents' place. Oh, my God. It's my dad's, but we can borrow it, so... Oh, God! No! Don't worry, he showed me... Don't worry, he showed me how to use it. Oh, my God! Oh, that's so much worse!

Shut up! Are you sure you're going to fucking cut this, David? Yeah, that's why I wasn't that... No, it'sid yeah that's why i wasn't that fine that's why i wasn't that uh revolted when you said garage because in my head it was much much worse yeah like i like from the pictures you show me i thought he was like it was like a fully furnished one like the one i had so i so i freaking rationalized like hey that's not so bad there could be worse places to do it so anyways a few days later we finally arrange a date and he and he gives me an address and it's not in the main in the closest town or just actual

civilization it's a little bit outwards on the fucking freeway you were gonna die like it was like it was on one of the fucking houses and like it was a little bit ways away So I was like, uh, okay But considering like the investment already put into this as I heard a I'm also just show up see what happens Fuck it. Why not? So like in the night of I just in case some sectioning against we're gonna happen I brought up I brought a pocket knife and put it in my back pocket look could you fucking blame me though no no no because i i would have probably done i mean i kind of blame you the moment he said oh yeah i have this dog's head that i put on that's when i

would yeah i don't fucking king shame people unless they're like fucking pedophiles so i fucking love i fucking love i fucking love paw patrol dude this makes it so much fucking worse for context david just posted a paw patrol mask i just i want to make that very clear i want to i want to i want to just say that david is saying that maybe if you use the paw patrol mask as a sex mask it would be replacing the get mask i'm explaining the joke that happened here hey baby you want to come over i got my street sharks costume in the garage i got all seasons of paw patrol on blu-ray let's go listen while the dog's on there were a lot of while the dogs are on my raw dog let's go anyway continue the hills have eyes yes i will unfortunately i will so anyway the night finally

came around like one like 11 p.m i fucking say goodbye to my dog just in case anything happens. I put the knife back into my pocket and then I drive off into town. And when I arrived there, the fucking... Okay, so there was the house and there was a side garage. And the house was completely fucking dead dark.

It was completely silent. The only thing you could hear was like the chirps and toads like in the swamps and in the back so there's there's swamps in new york well i not really but it just sounded like one uh so i sat i sat in the car for a few minutes debating is this gonna be fucking worth it? Should I get this? No. Yeah. That's the thought I should have followed through on, but I figured, listen, I came all this way.

I might as well just see what the fuck the deal is and just gauge it. He told you what the deal is. It's a garage with a Paw Patrol mask and a fucking sex circuit. No, no, he didn't. Listen, listen, listen. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt Paw Patrol mask and a fucking sex circuit. Listen! I was giving him the benefit of the doubt because you don't know how

fucking... It was my first time of it. There was no benefit or doubt. He laid his cards out on the table. He went, oh, by the way, I have really weird shit in my house. My brain might be so broken, but I don't know. I don think a sex swing and like a gimp dog mask is like that bad like if he like bopped out like the inflatable latex suit then i'd be like oh my

fucking god that's a lot but like a sex swing and a dog mask is without a real dog skin yeah like something like that but like just a dog mask and a sex swing i don't think that's too far i think that's like pretty normal kink territory there ah i guess that's the mindset i had but then i fucking saw what really happened so i fucking went into the into the garage and it was just a fucking mess there were like trap there were like fucking tractors lawnmowers, piles of fucking sod all over the place. And I was like, what the fuck? And I went, are you here? It was an actual garage, so the fucking image I had in my head

was completely wrong. But I fucking call out to the guy, hey, anybody here? And I fucking hear upstairs, hey, I'm up here. I'm ready when you are and i was like and they fucking i was extremely hesitant but i just i didn't know what what was fucking going to my mind but okay i just have to see this i have to see i have to see it to the end i have to double down like brendan does on

fallout 76 yeah so all right so i went up the stairs which i could barely fit in it was like extremely narrow even narrow than my regular door so i could barely fit up the stairs and when i came up there what i saw was it was a fucking horror it was it was the imagery of it was literally just an attic it was a fucking attic of like insulation coming out of the walls like fucking uh christmas decorations some other fucking miscellaneous stuff and in the center was this fucking guy and he was just sitting there no he wasn't even sitting there he was fucking on his knees just waiting looking up of his pearly blue eyes and a fucking long gangly

beard fucking growing underneath the mask in a fucking gremlin-oid body with the sex swing ominous with the sex swing ominously shaking and creaking behind him and when I came there, I fucking gazed the surroundings

just to see oh, fuck. At this point, I knew I definitely couldn't fucking do this. Yeah. You think? What was it that tipped you off that you couldn't do it? The horror movie setting? Yeah, that and the

fucking mask. The moment I go to a house and I see a fucking tractor, I go, I'm not getting laid. I'm not paying whoever owns this home. They own a tractor. You have a point. You have a fucking point. So I was just standing there for like a solid two minutes just like mouth agape and eyes wide open and he was just sitting there as silent as he could be waiting at the command

and i was like what the fuck and he finally was like in the night in a fucking decent and actually normal voice is everything okay i was like oh yeah i just i just gotta sit down for a moment and i fucking sat down over by the fucking he had a couple chairs set up they were like not the fucking dingy wrestling set up no like apparently like this is his hangout pad so he just had regular like a sofa just up there for some reason so i fucking sat down and this fucking gremlin abberation skitters across the floor on all fours and starts rubbing his head against my thigh oh nice and for a split second my hand went over to my back pocket to grab the pocket knife but then i fucking came back to my senses got him and was like okay dude I can't fucking do this I'm sorry, and he just looks so fucking sad and I did but I didn't care at all I fucking

sprinted down the stairs got into my car before he can get out and grab the guns and I just drove off and When I got back into the town there was a Wendy's still open So I fucking got some fries got a little frosty just sat there for 30 minutes while i deleted my entire grinder account and then i went home i can't believe you i can't believe you did that when he was doing his sad puppy eyes dude dude there's there's a line you gotta cross man there's a line you never have to cross man i know you can't cross so yeah that's my first and last time of grinding like the setting was different like if it was like a normal garage with the same like

person and sex wing yeah exactly like but it was a complete deception he played me like a fool i just i expected you to just go and then i got punched in the back of the head while an old guy said welcome to the family, son. That was where I thought this was going to go. It just turns into fucking Resident Evil fucking 7. Yeah. No, that would have been the more interesting one. The moment you said, house on the freeway,

tractor, sex swing in the attic. Like, that's the prologue. That's like Texas Chainsaw Massacre vibes, dude. Yeah, it really was. I don't know what I was fucking thinking. You are lucky to be alive. I am very lucky.

I've been infected by cum brain. I'm pretty sure Matty McCann is buried under that tractor. Oh, he absolutely is. Oh, nice! Nice! 40 minutes! That was perfect. I was too distracted by the goblin, his fucking five foot beard to notice. But yeah, he was totally there. I like that no one laughed.

I just went, nice, Ed. You remembered. Nice. Good shit. Don't worry. David will add laughs in post. Don't worry about it. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I'll add like crowd laughing. Nobody should laugh at this. Can we stop real quick? Because the thing is, I need to go refund. I just bought like a fuck ton of sex swings and Paw Patrol masks because I thought you'd like it. David.

David, don't. It was for our anniversary. I'm sorry. David, clearly, as long as the lighting's fine, you're good. Yeah. As long as the lighting's fine and you don't have a beard. The beard is apparently the fucking line. Listen, just lay down some carpet, keep everything nice and tidy,

spray some Febreze, and we're good to go. Like, how the fuck? Like, for me, like, I'm fine. The rest of this stuff is kinky, sure. But, like, how can you contemplate fucking a farmer? That, I'm, no. He wasn't even a farmer. He was just some guy.

He never told me he was a farmer. The moment you have a tractor, you're a farmer. What, are you, like, against farmers only? It's just weird. I mean, Ed, I lived on a farm, and, like, we weren't farmers. We just rented the farm, but there were tractors there that weren't ours. So like, I'm not a farmer. Yeah.

Plus the fact, plus that tractor could have belonged to one of his roommates that was sleeping soundly in the house next door. Yeah. He used that to get to his like day job at the dentist. He was sleeping soundly on the swing. Yeah. No dead ass. People fucking drive their tractors to work in the area. I am. I'm in. It fucking happens their tractors to work in the area i am i i'm in it fucking happens it's plausible what the fuck i just can't i live in like i just don't

like the image of horny farmer i live in the fucking butthole of the midwest and i've never seen anyone drive a fucking tractor to work that offended me so much that offended me i have lived in farming communities, boo, like throughout my entire life, and I've never seen, well, once. I've seen it once. I've had too many fucking instances of driving on the freeway, and some fucking asshole

in his tractor was slowing down to like 20 miles per hour. Well, it's like they're not going, they're not wearing like a Burger King outfit while they're doing it. They're going to their farm job on the farm. Yeah, that's exactly what I it. They're going to their farm job on the farm. Yeah, that's exactly what I said. They're going to work on the farm because they have a tractor. Yeah.

I love a tractor on the freeway. In my head when you said that, I imagined someone in a full McDonald's uniform driving a tractor into the city to work. That's what my head came up with. I can outpace a tractor by walking. Why would you take it to the freeway listen they don't have any other choice they're out in bumfuck nowhere and they got and they got a fucking horse would be faster exactly but they're not gonna a house a horse can't till your crops how are you gonna get the horse there i mean you can tell you can tell a good farmer by

a shitty farmer if they pull over to the side of the road if people are getting too much on their ass on the freeway and they never do they never fucking do they do here but like i don't know we're we got we got some nice nice people down here sometimes i don't know listen overall the drivers in the fucking south are way fucking worse but there are tractor folk just roaming around so yeah it is plausible i'm not fucking crazy you're not crazy you're not crazy i i like i said i misinterpreted what you said so i will apologize it's cool it's cool okay all right we gucci okay we gucci yeah hell yeah all right uh i don't know i don't have like any dating app stories like i shelby and i've been together for seven years so like the time when dating apps started to become

like a really big thing was around the time when we started dating so like i never used tinder or grinder uh i once had like a like an encounter on my yearbook my oh so what is that it was like a website that like i used because one of my cousins used it and she like basically was one of these people who's like oh no you got to get on there and play like the games and like give me the points so i like would get on there and i'd like friend people in the area and there was this one like girl in high school who uh when i was in high school uh just would constantly like message me asking to play the basketball game. And it was just like, it was just a really weird experience because like she would flirt and

then just, all right, Hey, we're going to play the basketball game. Like it's like, it's 4 PM. It's 4 AM, honey. It's time for the basketball game. You got to rack up some points. Like, I don't know. I'm like, and like relationship wise in high school i don't know like i just i i i i'm a bit old i guess i'm 27 now so i i didn't have a cell phone until college so i didn't really experience the like fun and exciting world of being catfished so or dog fished as as you're so lucky oh my god i fucking hate that term dog fished as you're lucky. Oh my God. I fucking hate that term dog fish. There was like I kind of like it. There was like a

dinosaur girl I guess. What? So okay. I fossil dealer. I maybe she was the fossil dealer. I had her in my phone as dinosaur dinosaur girl all the way up until when I changed my number and I got rid of like a lot of numbers. I had her in my phone as dinosaur girl all the way up until when I changed my number and I got rid of like a lot of numbers.

I had this girl's phone number until like then just out of sheer like, oh, I forgot dinosaur girl. Who the fuck? Oh, and I deleted it last year when I changed my number. So back when I was in high school, I used to do like speech. Now, for those of you who don't know what speech is, essentially, it could be like a speech class. Ours was like a club.

So in speech, what it did, what you did was you would go and you do like individual improv, group improv, radio announcing. Basically, you would pick something that involved like public speaking or comedy or like one act. Some people did monologues and it was like a state and the national competition right to to set the setting so i did individual improv and group improv because i you know i thought i was the funniest fucking thing on the planet um and i uh went to a uh state competition for group improv with with my group uh one of my it was me my ex-girlfriend's twin sister and uh one of my, it was me, my ex-girlfriend's twin sister, and, uh, one of the, one of the juniors, uh, Colby, uh, who's the funniest guy in the goddamn world, but one of the most awkward people in the world. So we had to use him because he was our powerhouse. So we, we went, we did the competition and this is a different school. So when you do these competitions, you drive to a different school. And one of the things was you interact with a lot of kids from a lot of different high schools.

And a lot of them are doing like the general edgy shit. Like some people are doing individual improv and their whole joke is, I'm Justin Bieber. Ha ha. Yeah. Ha ha. Ha ha. I'm Justin Bieber. It's like, okay, you're a grocery store worker at the grocery store.

Here's your setting. Do this. And there's a famous football player who comes to visit the grocery store and you awkwardly react i'm justin bieber i'm at the grocery store famous tennis player yeah you will never look up extremely accurate that sounds extremely accurate to when i was doing it look ups like speech competitions if you can find videos and it's some of the most awkward most horrible shit but then again you got to remember this is all high school so like we're all kids we don't know what to do uh i was pretty okay like we got all ones for our group which was great we just didn't get to go to uh like like the

the national competitions like we didn't get to go to like the big place but we got a good score so i leave and i'm like talking with some other kids and there's this girl sitting down and she's playing with dinosaurs like plastic little dinosaurs right oh my god and she like gets up and she is like the the tiniest like little high schooler she's older than me i'm a junior at this point she's a senior and we're like talking and she's like laughing at everything i'm saying and at this point i hadn't like dated really like like i said my ex-girlfriend sister but it was the ex-girlfriend after so i didn't know how to interact with girls because i grew up pretty sheltered so we're just like talking and i'm like hey can i have your facebook number she's like

what yeah sure here you go here's facebook so we you know got on facebook messenger i got her phone number but then she just starts like doing the whole like i miss you i can't live without you oh oh i'm like we're not like dating we're just talking i don't know how to handle this so just like there's a story that i read on my channel a long time ago uh called denko and in denko the the protagonist or antagonist was sending this girl 500 emails a day i was getting 30 to 40 texts a day from this girl and then 30 to 40 facebook messages from this girl just a constant stream of hey what are you doing hey how's it going hey what do you think about this picture what do you think about this picture and she was not um not completely like all there so i just no contact like i just went fully i went danny phantom i fully went ghost um but like just weird bursts of contact

would appear after she'd like see my like facebook uh relationship status change on on facebook when i did start dating and i did start like getting with girls and breaking up with him and every time it would be like a burst of messages and then stop and then a burst of messages and then stop. And then just, you know, it just went no contact. And I just, I just had fear. I just had a lot of like, just a lot of fear. Like I didn't want to wake up and hear like the clicking of plastic dinosaurs

because she was just absolutely obsessed with them. Wait, did she make noises too? Yeah, yeah. She would make like the... And sometimes like, like she'd call and we'd talk and then like it'd be like a 10 minute phone conversation with nine minutes of silence and like i'm a pretty talkative guy so it was just me trying to be like i went to mcdonald's i'm justin bieber went to mcdon McDonald's recently. How was that? Like ate a delicious burger. Silence.

Breathing. I don't know. Like I don't know how still to communicate with people, but it was just an experience for me. I think that just sits in the back of my head. Like one day she's just going to appear and then I'm just going to have to deal with it.

Don't go away. You would hear the fucking plastic dinosaurs. I would hear them coming. I hear the clicking and the clacking. You would be prepared. That's my experience with dating.

I don't think I ever really shopped around, really. So a lot of the awkward stories and nightmare stories really come if you're shopping around or if you're dating. But I just kind of fall into relationships like, whoop, here we go, whoop, here we go, whoop, here we go. I'm going to be real, Brendan. That story actually made me more uneasy than booze. Because with booze, I started just imagining that oh this

is all of this is fiction and like any rational human being would have you know dropped out after hearing about the dog mask yeah here's the thing is like i wanted to be nice and i wanted to keep contact because she had like no i feel that she had wrist scars too so it was one of those things where you want to be like supportive of someone and i i can be someone who's very like um i i i don't want to be mean to someone who's like broken because you want to make sure that they don't do anything rash so a lot of it was just me like never dating but just like being supportive and being like oh yeah no i'm listening uh yeah we're friends just friends zoning her constantly it's like it's like it's like making sure you keep the equilibrium. Like you have to keep the equal.

You don't want it to date, but you don't want to like set someone off to the point where like they're going to do something drastic. So very, very anxiety induced, like very anxiety. Thing is, it's like I get in a relationship and just all contact would disappear. Like just she would go Danny Phantom just off into the ether. But like the second I was single, it's like, boom, she was there. I've already talked about this story, Brendan, but I was going to mention, I was going to mention how, um, cause that, that made me really uncomfortable. Cause it kept reminding me of, I don't think you were on this episode, but I told this story.

No, you weren't. It was actually, it was one of the, it was one of the first episodes in a while. It's been a while. Oh really? Okay. It was like, yeah, I think it was like, please stop talking 19 or some shit jesus you know the number it's a while ago um but yeah i was thinking i remember because it was a hassle it was a fucking nightmare to edit that's the only reason why um yeah of this one time that i was it was in my days of i don't want

to tell a story again but basically it reminded me of this girl that i made out with and she got like super attached like oh we're dating now right and i was like haha no but let's stay friends because you look crazy yeah that reminded me of that quite a lot nothing is like i don't know what i dating in high school like i i still am i'm happy that like i found shelby because i think i'm just such a human mess that like i don't want to be in like in some kind of like weird relationship because like before Shelby like my dating experience was after my ex from high school broke up with me in college there was this girl that like I I never understood like the the people who were obsessed with people like until like I met this girl and this is going to,

this will be a little cringy, but it's nothing like so bad. It's terrible. There was this girl and we'll say school. You got to pass. No, this is, this is college.

Now we, me and my out of high school girlfriend dated for two years. So in community college, there was this girl. I just got broken up with, with, with my long distance girlfriend at the time. Cause we were,

you know, different people, different folks, different strokes. There was this girl, we'll call her Katie. Cause I were, you know, different people, different folks, different strokes. There was this girl, we'll call her Katie cause I don't want to say her real name. So Katie was interested in me. And I, and I heard about this from her mutual friends and our mutual friends.

And it was one of those situations where like, I was into her, she was kind of into me, but like our friends were pushing us together so much. So in my head, I got like this, oh, we're going to be dating and it's going to be so cool and it's going to be the best. And so like I was full blown. I have never been such a simp in my goddamn life until that moment. I was.

Here's the thing. I didn't drive. I still don't drive. So I would walk down to the grocery store, buy her chocolates, walk back up like a 40 minute walk, set them on her car. I bought her roses like once a week and would set them on her car i bought her roses like once a week and would set them on her car because we all lived in the dorms i was i was texting her all in haiku i was like writing her poetry oh yeah i was texting her only in haikus like a couple days because i thought oh this is the cutest thing in the world this is this is so cute

you went to uber sip mode i went like an uber sip mode and i knew i was because like it was at the point where like snapchat had just started to become a thing and so like when i would snap her and i wouldn't get like a snap back i would get queasy and like throw up and like i i couldn't handle like the anxiety of like waiting for someone to text back and message me back like i was i was in such a bad place like we we would um like i think the the farthest we got was like we went to uh we used to go to this uh like like uh beach and this beach was near a campsite so cops didn't patrol it and me and this friend group we would go and get drunk and hang out and uh essentially like we we would hang out and chill

out and you know we we we got a little bit far we had a conversation and it was really cute and you know i asked her out on a date we went on a couple little like we went on like a little date and she was she was still like hung up over her ex and and and so we were talking like we watched like five episodes of nichi joe in my dorm, you know, watching anime in the dorm. Pretty epic. And then like it got to this like boiling point where I was just so frustrated. And then like the obsession disappeared. Like it just was gone.

Like I was like, why am I putting this much effort? Because this is like a two month period where I'm like, like, like trying my hardest, like to initiate something because I just didn't understand because i hadn't had sex at this point either like we did like a we did like a that group did like a drinking game where it's like oh time to tell like weird sex stories and then drink and i was just like out of 15 people there all in our like 19 we were all like 19 20 21 i i was the only virgin so i was like i don't know how to do any of this stuff. So like it all came to a boil and then I just stopped. Like I stopped like simping. I stopped caring.

You know, I tried to be like, hey, do you want to actually make this a relationship? Do you want to do something with this? And then one day I heard that there was this girl that I kind of had a crush on in college. And this girl was someone that I like would look at from afar and be like, oh, she cute. And but I was dating my long distance girlfriend at the time. So like I didn't want to do anything because I was like, oh, you know, I'm I'm with I'm with him. I don't want to do anything weird. So this girl's like, oh, you know, this girl also has a crush on you.

Her name is Shelby. And and then it's all good stuff. Stop simping. Got with Shelby. Goodping. Got with Shelby. Good times. Still with Shelby. Love her to death. Best decision I made in my life.

But yeah, I went really, really hardcore into Simp mode. It was a lot. I would also draw pictures and like post them on post-it notes around like her friend's dorm. When she came over, she would see them. Yeah, I was. because i don't know i i i don't understand how people work still sometimes so like my life is like i didn't like understand social relationships until college like college beat beat the beat the idea of how to deal with people into me i think the worst thing i i did for somebody was uh i used to i used to go around and kill rats and send them to boo yeah i used to send them to boo in the mail

okay jesus christ you're just doing a funny you're just trying to be he's just doing a funny bit i was like oh david he's a rat killer. Great. The weirdest simpy thing I did for someone. I mean, I think mine was just the classic give her chocolates. That's about it. I mean, when I'm talking like when I say I went down to like the grocery store and like set like gifts down, it was like every day for a month. Yeah, I'm talking like like obsessive like oh she'll love this she'll love this so i understand why like things didn't work out because i was pretty much i feel like almost

in psycho territory i was i think i was pretty simpy before we started dating what mean you yeah no with boo i was pretty simpy. Simpy how? I just remember going. Like going to the quickie mart? Like pretty simpy? No, I think I was a bit simpy. Right? What's simp anyways? That's like white knighting.

Like worshiping. No, it's not the same as white knighting. White knighting is defending. Simping is worshiping. Simping is worshiping, yeah. What would gay simping be called? Gimping. You laid it out right there. Nice. I just remembered my worst one.

And it doesn't even go in the way that you think it's going to go. So for me, I was around like 12 or 13. There was this girl that was on my bus route. Super cute. And oh my god, I just had a fucking epiphany all right but i'll get to it oh boy um super uh cute girl who's on my bus round we always sat next to each other we always talked about like our days whatever it was great we were very clearly into each other and then she tells me that oh my parents are going to be away uh and i'm gonna have a party and i'm only inviting my uh my closest friends do you want to go and i'm like oh yeah hell yeah and i told my mom that this like girl i liked invited me to

a party and she went oh you should bring her something nice when you go to the party so i bought her these like really nice earrings and then I showed up at the party she answered the door she's like oh my god oh you're here and then I gave her the earrings she loved them and then uh that was I was not aware as a 12 year old that this was the moment of my life where parties would start to

have alcohol in them considering I was 12 to 13 and then I got pretty drunk and I made out with every single girl except for her. Oh, Jesus Christ. That sounds like Ed, dude. You know what my epiphany was? What?

You remember that story I mentioned a while back where I saw some college friends recently and behind the group of people was a girl that looked like the grudge? That was her. Oh, my fucking God. Holy shit. the group of people was a girl that looked like the grudge that was her oh my god holy shit these episodes really are full circle that's crazy it all comes back speaking of everything coming back let's go to patron questions. Yeah. Speaking of people that look like the grudge. Let's go to patron questions. So if you're part of the $5 and above tiers.

David, they know. It's in the name. It's for new people. Wait, who? These fellow gimps and simps ask. No. Yellow snub asks, you all shrink to 1% in size what do you do now oh i start a podcast called please stop talking wow nice nice dude i get it it's because i get it because i'm

short yeah no it's fine he's short yeah thanks avery i just realized everybody here is like above six and i'm just five. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're surrounded by giants. I don't know how, I don't know how Avery could capitalize on that joke even more. Like, I don't think he knew the people that were going to be on the podcast, but he wrote this script like a month ago.

Yeah. That's crazy. The craziest part is that we all, we, we, he wrote like, he didn't even write names. He just,

we're, we're all like number one, number two, number four, number three. Why did I say that? I can tell what part would be for Mandy though because he wrote it in the Oblivion Daydrick Alphabet song. Oh, okay. But yeah. Feel free to answer Yellow Snub's question.

I just picked it because I wanted to do that joke answer. Let's have a tiny adventure. Yeah. I'm going to have a tiny adventure. Recreate Stuart Little. Fuck Stuart Little. I hate Stuart Little. Fuck Stuart Little.

I would fucking love. No, shut up. I would fucking love. I would fucking love to go in one of those like race cars. Yeah, that are made of cheese. That Stuart. Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm talking about Mousetrap. I'm not talking about Stuart Little anymore no like Stuart Little had his fucking little car he would drive around that's sick dude where the fuck did they find that I would find the actors that were in Mousetrap and I would haunt them

1% size is like actually 1% size is fucking tiny Mousetrap is two guys strapped in a mansion, and there's a mouse fucking with them. I'd just be a little man fucking with them again. All right, I have a Patreon question. From Devin the Sauce,

every one podcast member is put in the situation of Until Dawn. If you're unfamiliar, all of you on top of a mountain with a monster in the middle of the night, and the only way to survive is to wait until dawn. I'm just going to start running. Pick a direction and run. Yeah, that's pretty much the only thing you can do. Wait, wait. Oh, so, I mean, this is basically just like we're in a fight Friday the 13th. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's a Wendigo? Yeah. Well, you know what? I'm just going to start fucking. Like, I'd rather, I just want to die. I'll just start fucking. That's how you die in movies number one rule of movie i mean i'd start i start fucking with people not fucking them per se never drink or smoke drugs i mean if we're at like hunter s thompson's if we're at like hunter

s thompson's like mountaintop retreat i'm just gonna find his ghillie suit and hide in the woods you can never have sex you can never drink i would make i would i would start fucking with people and make them like hate each other make them all like kill and eat each other and then i'd be the last man standing and then the wendigo can just have the sloppy seconds when is it wait is the way can i talk to the wendigo or is the wendigo in until why because it's a wendigo because it's a wendigo what's a wendigo it's like a weird zombie that can jump fast i mean honestly here's the thing start a forest fire fuck it i almost fucked the wendigo in the fucking tractor garage here's the thing you start a forest fire and there will be someone monitoring

the situation like if you are out in the woods and there is some fucked up shit and you have the the capacity and the tools if you're in a house's going to be some way to start a fire. You start a fire out in the woods and someone will find it. But I thought Until Dawn had like a, not a Wendigo. I thought there was also a serial killer, like an actual serial killer in that game. So the three things that were in Until Dawn is there was a dude at like the mental asylum. The psycho. things that were until dawn is there was there was a dude at like the the mental asylum one of the the psycho one of the one of the guys there was a quote-unquote serial killer but it was one of the like group mates uh spoiler for until dawn because his sisters died and he was angry at the group and

he was originally the reason why they brought the group to the uh mountain for the in the first place and he was dressing up as a as a killer and like and like fake death thing and like trying to like scare the shit out of them and also maybe kill them. But there was also a Wendigo. He definitely kills people because I saw him kill people. No, it was all fake. He never killed anyone. Oh shit. Dang.

Because I know there was like the patient, the killer, and then the Wendigo. Oh well. I don't know much about that game. Anyways, how sure are you that... How many Wendigos... There's a fuck ton of Wendigos, right? There's not one. There's like a bunch. There's two. Not really.

There's like two, yeah. Oh, shit. One of them is like the cannibal, and then I think the other one is like a cannibal. One of them is patient zero. The other one is the girl that died at the start of the game. Do they not want to just like... What if I had a piece of steak and I just drop it? They don't.

They crave human flesh. They're also... They have T-Rex rules. They don't see you if you're not moving. Oh, well, I would just die. And then I wouldn't move. Wouldn't you just not move so you don't die? Oh, I could do that as well, I guess.

I mean, here's the thing. Game mechanics, then you're going to just have to take a shit. David, David Cage, David Cage. You're not moving yourself, bro. Fucking.

I mean, I think, I think that. Oh my fucking God. That is getting censored. I'm not even with that guy. I'm not even. Okay.

Are we doing, are we doing the next question? Yeah, next question. Alright. Rancis Grand Lupu says, what would the podcast members' real life stats be? D&D stats, but in real life? Mine would be Brains 100. Intelligence 12,

Charisma 13, Wisdom 1. I don't know. What the fuck would I... I feel like y'all gotta choose for me because I don't know. My dexterity would be I feel like y'all gotta choose for me because I don't know. My dexterity would be pretty... Let's each pick a stat for David and we just, like, fucking roll a new character for him. Charisma 10. Eyesight minus 7.

That's... Dexterity fucking 15. 15 dexterity. Have you ever seen me try to do any... I can't even... When I'm writing... Yesterday I was writing a letter with a pen and I was just struggling hard because I just keep shaking. You're going to give the guy that can't reach the cookie jar

15 dexterity? Yeah. He was skating while drunk. Oh yeah. When I called you at 4am or whatever. I was really wasted. I can't do that. I crashed That's actually pretty impressive. I was really wasted. I crashed a Lime scooter multiple times when I was drunk.

It's because I used to do it when I was super fucking high. Now I can just skateboard anytime, anywhere under the influence or not. It's my superpower. Wisdom 4, intelligence 4. Strength 5.

I'm nothing. I'm a bad roll i gotta re somebody gotta re-roll this shit we can give you a boner oh but like you're not gonna be able to know what target you're supposed to hit oh this one's good especially because uh he gets cheeky with it at the start. Vanderick asks, all the PST hosts, including Cameron, move in together. Who's the first one to move out and how long does it take? I'd say me the first week because I'd rather live with Shelby. Okay, but let's say

that's not a thing. Let's say we're all single and miserable. We're all single and miserable. Do we do it with the main hosts or with guests I'd say main hosts that would be cheating for me um

who I feel like I want to say it'd be Cameron but at the same time we give Cameron so much shit and he's still smiling through it all to say it'd be Cameron, but at the same time, we give Cameron so much shit and he's still smiling through it all. I think he'd be the last person. I think he'd be the last person in that house just to spite all of us.

But the thing is, I don't give a shit at all ever. And I don't think I care much about what people do. I don't have a problem with anybody, I don't think. I think I'll be i'll be dirt honest i think i get kicked out because i'm a little messy you're not that messy you're always the one that that's cleaning up after we get drunk only because i'm so messy at home so maybe mandy no see if mandy left he would come back and hide in the crawl space me and david like the board bed for like almost a week hiding wait what fucking we would share a bed no

as in i'm talking about packs oh yeah we i mean i i didn't have any problems exactly so i think me and you would be good i'm trying to think of who move out first i think i think i'd be good with avery avery's really not difficult i live with avery for like half a year no he's perfect he's not hard absolutely no i don't think any but any i don't think any of us is hard to live with. Kyle, did you start a fire again in the middle of the house? I mean, okay, maybe Kyle would leave because we're fucking immature and he would be like, I'm done with this. I don't know.

This is hard because you don't know what your friends like. If you base it off of bad living habits, you don't know what your friends like here's like if you base it off of bad living habits you don't know what your friends are like capable of in terms of like how awful they can be no here's the thing i think it would be cameron but he wouldn't move out because we were tilting him i think we would kick him out because he would start tilt him he was no he would start... You tilt him. No, he would start treating the house like he treats showing up on time. Oh, my God. Holy shit, dude. That's fucked that you just said that.

Yeah, I would kick the fuck out of him. Cameron, did you pay rent? Kick him out. Yeah, yeah, I'll pay rent tomorrow. I mean, rent wouldn't be expensive if we're like 20 people living in a fucking tiny apartment how big is the apartment that's another it's a studio it's a one bed one bathroom it's a studio and the toilet is in the living room oh now that's different who who who takes the worst shit the toilet isn't in the living room the toilet is the living room. Oh, God.

What the fuck? Everybody's shaming. I was reading like a Reddit story the other day where someone broke up with their significant other because he wanted to make a human sized litter box to save water. What? Is that media? I was going through relationship advice because I was bored. And he like apparently this this girl's like significant other was just like getting obsessed with the idea of a human sized litter box. And she kept telling no, don't do that until she came home, opened up the bedroom door and there was a giant kiddie pool filled with sand and he was naked leaning over it, taking a shit.

And then he started screaming. That's not real, dude. That's not real. That's on Reddit. There's a lot of i don't give a shit i i treat everything as here's the thing is life is boring if you say everything is that happen you i think the wrong idea it's powerful imagery but you gotta set some realistic standards at the same time too you gotta realize that people are fucking weird and stupid so i almost believe it like the fact that i've seen two people try to put on their mask over a cigarette over a lit cigarette

gives me no hope for this world wait a second stuff like actual like scientific and medical progress i do actually look that shit up to see if it's real because people will go on twitter and go oh scientists just found out how to make cells not age or whatever and i'll be like yeah okay finally yeah but when it's shit like and this might have to be censored but when it's shit like oh my god like i know it's fake now but it's real that shit's real. That shit is real. No, that shit is real, but that shit is also getting fucking censored. I think with Internet stories, unless they're way too farcical and the writing is too like flowery. Generally, everybody on the bus. Yeah.

Yeah. Like it like that. Generally, I try to treat things as real until proven fictional. Like, I'll read through comments, and then I'll see, like, the comic poster's history. And a lot of that stuff is because people are weird. People are weirdos. They're degenerates. Like, people are just a nightmare soup.

And I don't know. I think, like, if you're taking everything as, like, oh, that was fake. Oh, that happened. Like, it kind of makes life boring. We literally have a podcast yeah that's all we do all of our stories people could just go oh that didn't happen yeah yeah oh you saw you saw your girl shit herself and then the bus clapped yeah okay dude i dude a lot of people always i i love reading the comments because i read every comment on under the fucking videos and oftentimes i just read somebody that's like that's fucking bullshit and i'm like i if it's one of my stories i'm like dude there were like 20 people there it's a it's

not even fake you have witnesses or if it's somebody else's story or a Colorado story. I think the fuck... Okay, okay. This is a tangent that's completely opposite. But people on fucking YouTube don't know what it's like to be drunk. They tell you like... We're like, oh yeah, we were drunk and we were acting like this. And they're like, you weren't really drunk.

That's not how drunk people act. And it's like, dude, what the fuck do you know, you 12-year-old? You're forgetting that people that watch YouTube videos are 12-year year olds that their only experience with drunk people is through movies do you know how many comments i fucking got when i had the paladins drunk lore show of people telling me that i was faking it i know that's the thing that's fucking crazy because i i know you were drunk because then you would go into our fucking friends channel and you would be fucking hammered. It's just... And you'd be like...

He doesn't sound drunk. He's talking way too coherently and he's not hiccuping and burping all the time. I have like the opposite thing where like when I get drunk, I start like slurring a little bit and I get like almost

the stereotypical... No, that's the thing. I did slur my words. But guess what? I had to say the same fucking I did slur my words but guess what I had to say the same fucking sentence over and over and cut the ones where you wouldn't understand what the fuck I was saying because

those videos were edited but I was very clearly under the influence I don't I don't I don't fucking get it like I said people people are desensitized to the reality that like things are stupid yeah and so are you but you know who's really stupid? Who? What? The girl reading this.

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