Please Stop Talking - The Problem With Being Half-Circumcised (feat. Boo_Rad13y) | Please Stop Talking

Episode Date: February 23, 2020

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along with all the other rewards, like naming an NPC for Folk and Dagger and asking a question or hypothetical for the patron Q&A at the end of Please Stop Talking. If you're interested in supporting the show and getting all these rad rewards, go to patreon.com slash Sermiao Music for more info. Let's do the, it's an electric guitar, so I don't have a resonance box. Oh, that's your wife's box. Beautiful. Welcome to the podcast. Hello, everybody, and welcome to another exciting episode of the podcast. Hey, so we have a guest on this episode. Boo, you should introduce yourself.

Oh, shit. What's up? I'm the guy who's been doing the art lately. That's pretty much all I do. Yeah, the art for Perilous. Yeah. And that one fucking thumbnail need i need to ask i haven't watched a single episode wow why is it called folk and dagger but also perilous

uh is the campaign yeah so season one is called folk and dagger because it's the first campaign season two will be called something else. So it's like JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. It's like JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, yeah. JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Diamond is Unbreakable. That kind of thing. Perilous Storytelling, Folk and Dagger. You don't wonder who's going to play JoJo? Call it part one.

We can call it part one, you know? Yeah, sure. No, Diamond is Unbreakable is part four. So we're starting at part four. Falcon Dagger is part four of Paraless Storytelling. Okay, can I name the second season? No. No.

Maybe. It depends. Okay, I'll name the second season. Okay, that sounds good to me. And also, can I be part of the second season and I'll be the DM, right? But how about we schedule everything around me and then I don't show up?

That sounds like a good deal. I like that Cameron didn't even fuck this episode. And we're still doing it. Oh no, that wasn't even a Cameron bit. That was just, I want to waste everyone's time bit. So Cameron fucking goes. Um, boo, do you want to go with your

story? Wait, which one? I don't know. Who cares? God, we're jaded. Hey, welcome to the podcast. We got a guest. Start talking, asshole. Did I ever tell you about the time I met the spider monkey woman what the spider monkey

woman yeah well you have my attention okay so just to set the scene i was in high school and like in florida so let's say something uh it's just a regular high school but there's like this parking lot next to a wooded area and between the portables and like the main building so when like one day like i think in the like around the afternoon going to another class uh we were like sorry i just looked up what a spider monkey is continue okay all right put that picture in your mind. Okay, so I was walking between the main building and the portables along the sidewalk to the wooded area and everyone was like crowding along the fence. And I was like, what the fuck's going on?

And they were just like looking at this turtle. He was just chilling there. He came out of the woods. He just wanted to say hi. How big was the turtle? Was it like one of those huge ass like old ass turtles? It was not a Galapagos turtle.

Dude, I wish it was a Galapagos turtle. That would make the speed even more impressive. I've never seen a tortoise. I have fucking pedants in the comment section. Yeah, I know it's a tortoise. Shut up. I think it was a snapping turtle, but that's too cool. I'm pretty sure Galapagos is an island. God, I hate you. remember that time at avatar when

avatar just randomly talked to a big fucking turtle that told him hey you're a big pussy what was that about where did that fucking turtle come from dude just the avatar was like man i don't want to kill the fire lord and i gotta go talk to this big turtle and then it never gets brought up ever again i just thought that was weird continue boo my apologies okay speaking no it was a good bit it was a good question to ask it was just fucking stupid the turtle shows up in season two of korra it does he cares korra imagine fucking korra Who fucking cares? Cora. Cora. Imagine fucking Cora. Please continue, Moo. So we were all just looking at the turtle,

and this fucking redneck spider monkey of a woman just shows up, clambers the fence, picks up the turtle, and brings it to the back of her truck. And I was curious, like, what the fuck's she doing with that? So I go up to her and say, hey, are you going to keep that thing as a pet? And she dead ass looked me in the eyes and said it's good meat and she just walked away i knew where that was going the second you said it was a redneck oh yeah and the first

clue was florida so yeah like i didn't know what to do so so I just walked back to class, and the next day, in the back of her truck, I saw sun-dried meat just stuck at the bottom of it. Wait, why was she still in the school parking lot? No, like, it was like we were walking in between classes, so she had to, like, go to classes. She just left the turtled in there all day. Wait, she had to go to classes? She was a student?

She was a student. Yeah. Oh, I was picturing, like, this old crow. Yeah,, this old woman crawling out of the fucking roots of one of the trees. Yeah, just a fucking old cryptid. The fucking swamp woman just crawling out of the muck. Yeah, well, it's Florida, like you said. Yeah, exactly. This fucking muck woman cryptid just crawling out.

That's like the American version of the witch, but instead of a baby, it's that fucking tortoise. If anyone's seen The Witch, that's a huge spoiler. My god. I can get a glimpse of what the plot is when you say the baby is the tortoise. The tortoise? The tortoise. Poor toys.

Who cares? The tortoise. That scene in Avatar was fucking bullshit. Also, this was a fucking like, that was a swerve because I really thought this was going to be a story about you seeing a spider monkey. I'm kind of disappointed because after googling what they look like

I was so excited. For a wild Floridian spider monkey. But how good did she climb the fence? Like, we're talking The Exorcist? No! What do you mean? talking the exorcist more taken three dude I fucking wish no she's just like clambered up a fucking 12-foot fence it's just like picked up the turtle one in one arm and just like

single it was a football yeah lucky was was a football she took that thing all the way home you're just describing my sleep paralysis demon right now i'm getting fucking ptsd i'm sorry about that david but it had to be said anyways let's let's not worry about that story that's that's in the past anyone else got anything on the mind I mean I guess I have an experience I've been keeping it and not saying it when Mandy's around because I know that Mandy would be very uncomfortable

if I told this story oh no I'm probably going to be uncomfortable too everybody's going to be uncomfortable why the fuck have you only been saving it for whatever fuck you because it's funny that's okay so this this happened when i went to midwest fur fest which is i know it's gonna be a story every time i hear about furries i hear something i find out like a new term or like a new ritual you are definitely going to there is definitely a new ritual that you're gonna learn oh no so this is this is a story of this was my

first furry convention i went to the biggest one it's called midwest fur fest in chicago and i was rooming at like one of the hotels that was like pretty fucking separate, like pretty not too far, but it was like the farthest that. or some shit. We were high as fuck in a Taco Bell. And one of the people that was in our little fucking group just started talking to me about something called diaper furs. Oh, no. So diaper furs are furries that are you can gather it from the name their embodiments are sin

no go on no kink shaming here no we'll do that one I'll kink shame that one that's gross we all can kink shame that one let's be real oh buddy it gets even worse so apparently if there's any diaper furs listening We all can keep shame. Oh, no. Let's be real. Oh, buddy, it gets even worse. So apparently...

You go on then. Hey, if there's any diaper furs listening, I think you guys are doing great. Continue, David. So this guy starts telling me about how... I don't know how he got this information, but he did. And he told me that the diaper furries

at every major furry convention, they all rent out the same floor at a hotel. Oh, no. And at night, atrocities happen. Can I veto a story? Can I veto a story? Can I veto a story? Can I veto a story?

I'm genuinely asking. I'm too curious. I'm too curious. Come on. I'm a centrist. I'm a man denied of my spider monkey. I need to know about the furry diapers. Listen, I'm sorry, Ed, but really, you gotta reconsider here.

Think about this logically, Ed. You really gotta reconsider. Are we vetoing this? David please continue please okay so basically David

hang on yes David put timestamps to when this story is over in the description please like yes

if you're listening and you don't want to hear the rest of this go to the fucking timestamp I'm doing this for don't want to hear the rest of this go to the fucking time stamp i'm doing this for you well i have this story i want david to continue because i want someone to also have a gross story so i don't feel oh no oh no oh god imagine this is the first podcast i'm ever on yeah okay fine your fucking topics. Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hey, hey, skip to the entire fucking episode if you want to

not be hear the rest of the story. So basically skip to the entire fucking episode if you don't hate yourself. So basically he tells me that they rent out this whole floor so that they can have these baby fur diaper furs.

I mean, exchanges. I'm not liking that term. I'm not liking that. I'm not liking that. David, you are pushing me to drink right now just go on basically they shit their pants and they walk around the whole floor

and go into other rooms and it's just a fucking weird shit I don't know what happens there I thought they would like trade used diapers no well I mean I don't fucking know i've never i've never been to those okay oh well this is anyways this is vanilla i oh no anyways he tells me this and i'm i just tell him that sounds like fucking bullshit like that seems like a lot of work just to fucking

do your little fetish shit like imagine that was your problem with it that's really interesting no but imagine the logistics of renting an entire floor in a hotel room that was your problem with it well that was david you're asking these questions at a furry convention yeah david you're not thinking about this like a human being i was it was the first time i I didn't know it. David, I've never been to a furry convention. And I'm saying you're asking these questions at a furry convention. Anyways, so that happened.

We do whatever. And then the night keeps going. We have a good time. I'm really drunk. And then at the end of it, my friend and I go back to our hotel room. We're drunk as shit. We get into the elevator and there's this other dude. And this other dude smells like fucking shit.

Did you pay attention to what floor he was getting off on? Answer the question, David. I did, because when the door... We were at the top floor, and when the door opened for his floor, which was two floors under us... Oh, so it just rose up from the floorboards.

Okay. The fucking... I've never smelled something like that in my life it was like the fucking door opened the dude got out and the fucking smell got in i'm pretty sure the smell was already in david yeah yeah my eyes were fucking watering. It was so fucking bad. And I couldn't sleep at all that night because I was just thinking of the atrocities happening two floors under. That's what you get for going to a fur convention, David. That's it. That's my story. That story didn't even go anywhere. That was literally you just decided, what if I explained what diaper furs were on the podcast?

That story was beeper tier. A guy who shit his pants got in the elevator and then got out It was beaver tear, but to be fair. I can't walk out of my house right now and see a hallway full of shit so There's the novel It's like that elevator scene from the shiningining, but it's shit. Think of that. Exactly. Pretty much. That's fucking awful. So timestamp comes after that comment from Boo.

I can Google pictures of Beaver without consequences. You can't picture... Yeah, that's right. You can't... This is not going in. That doesn't make it a good story. I don't think this story should have been in there. I'm not saying it was a good story. I don't think this story should have been in there. I'm not saying it was a good story.

I don't think that story should go in either. Because where's the comedy? The comedy was... The comedy was us just making fun of David. That's what it is. That's not a story! Yo, guys, let me tell you about this one time when I was in preschool. This is going in another way.

Stupidly fucking shit his pants. Shitting your pants in preschool is totally adequate. Never mind. And when I was in middle school one time, one time when I was in middle school. I think you guys are bigots. One time when I was in middle school, a guy in my computer literature class shit his goddamn pants and refused to admit that he shit his pants. So there was like a

dead silence throughout the entire room because everyone like slowly stopped typing and like once we were realizing what had happened and everyone was kind of looking around and the teacher just went why did he shit his pants like as a joke

as a joke does anyone need to go to the restroom no but no no no no Why did he shit his pants? Like, as a joke? As a joke? Does anyone need to go to the restroom? No, but, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Ed. And no one fucking moved. And so we're all just sitting there in our fucking computer lit class

making Excel documents about the Iditarod, the Alaskan dog sledding race because that's what we did in computer literature class for some reason with shit just in the room the aroma of shit just around us and it reached a point where like no one needs to go to the restroom huh silence and then they went, okay. And so she stood up and she started walking around the room

like, oh no. She's sniffing it out. What the fuck kind of detective work is she doing? No, I know where this is going. She rented out the hotel floor. Bullshit.

Literally. No, she just sent one of the kids to the fucking nurse to go get some new pants because he shit his goddamn pants in computer lit class. Did he say why? I didn't ask.

He didn't need a reason. It's not like when he stood up to leave i went pardon me why would you do that in my school one of the british kids would go fucking legend oh man oh fuck that's that's actually embarrassing imagine shitting yourself and not just owning up to it oh yeah no I mean like it would be embarrassing even if you did own up to it

would you be like yeah it was me yeah no I'm just saying like fucking be a man about it yeah I shit my pants so what why are you smelling it faggot you got a problem i'm so mad that i told that story and it led to jokes i know david's not cutting the fucking diaper for his shit you're fucking it no it was your fault for bringing it up in the first place david it was my fault for allowing it everybody wanted the first place david it was my fault for allowing

it everybody wanted to skip it except me but i wanted to know we went from spider monkeys to diapers and shit there was no spider monkey there was no spider monkey what are you talking about it was a spider monkey woman it's close enough at least david's shit hallway story had a shit hallway. I'm not disagreeing with that. Listen. You weren't there. You don't understand. It's not real. I think Ed fully understands that there was no...

You didn't see the spider monkey woman with your own eyes clamber the 12-foot fence. I think Ed... You didn't see it. Ed, without being there, can be pretty sure that there were no spider monkeys. Dude, I fucking wish there was a spider monkey. Me too! That's my point! I mean, technically, it was kind of a story,

because I went and then I learned something. No, David, it wasn't. There was no lesson to be learned, David. There was no story. There was not a story there. Don't fucking defend it. The lesson was that I learned that that is a thing that happens. David, do you think that learning something existing is a story there. Don't fucking defend it. The lesson was that I learned that that is the thing that happens. David, do you think that learning

something existing is a story? I found out about quantum physics the other day. Right, guys? Huh? Hey, what do I gotta do for the next 30 minutes? I gotta sit down for that one. Go on.

Ed, tell your goddamn poop story. We're already in it. Okay, so this is just... I guess this is turning into the... The shitcast. The Jon Apatow gross-out movie episode. Oh, God. I wonder what we're going to call this one. Don't listen to this.

Don't smell this. I can't believe we're getting Oh No 3 already. I can't believe Oh No 3 was my first podcast. It's great. I'm so sorry. Funny thing is, whenever he was like, Oh, which one do you think it is? Airplane turbulence.

Funny you ask. Here's the airplane turbulence story. So, I fly a lot on planes. And I don't do well in planes. Speaking of big guy, I don't do well in planes because I am 6'4".

And it is very uncomfortable. Those are rookie numbers, boo. How tall are you? 6'9". I'm a sex number. Ay. Ay. Ay.

So go on, Ed. Yeah, go on. You fucking midge. Go on, you fucking man. I don't really want to go on anymore. No, go on. You started it. You got to follow through to the end.

Whatever. I shit myself on a plane. Whatever. Ed, whatever you're really gonna turn down a real man like that All right, listen David this fall do the duck with the fucking diaper shit for her story. You can at least do this No, everybody nobody wanted that. Yeah, nobody Anyway, no, I wanted it. I wanted to stop really badly. I want why didn't you stop? Wanted it. I got what I wanted. I'm happy. But didn't you stop? Because Ed wanted it. I got what I wanted. I'm happy. But anyway.

You sound like a couple agreeing to do BDSM for the first time. Shut up and tell your fucking story. I'm trying to. The safe word. The safe word. The safe word is spider monkey. Shut up. Oh my god.

So I'm very uncomfortable on planes, constantly. It's the worst. Because my knees are stabbing the person in front of me. And the biggest problem is always getting up. Because when I sit down on a plane, I intend to sit down for the rest of the flight. So I make sure I, you know, I do my business. I go to that specific floor at the airport to get rid of everything. And then I get in the

plane and I just sit down. Unfortunately for me, this flight was going to be 13 hours. So I don't think it's humanly possible for anyone to either not shit or piss for 13 hours. It's not possible. Especially for a man like me. I don't know about that, coward. Especially for a man

like me who, for some reason, I can't sleep on planes, no matter how tired I am, no matter like me who for some reason I can't sleep on planes no matter how tired I am no matter how long the flight is I can't sleep I think a part of my brain is just scared that someone's going to kill me while I sleep so that's a rational fear go on

so we're talking like 8 hours into this flight I've had so much apple juice and i start going all right well i i lose i i need to go piss so bad so i do the old like i don't want to like stand up and queue in front of the bathroom so i started leaning like my head behind me like is this sort of the bathroom open and then it. Unluckily for me, this specific flight, which I had forgotten about, I took a

flight to Hong Kong like a year ago when a big fucking cyclone was hitting Hong Kong that week. So keep that in mind. I get in the bathroom

and I go, I only had a lot of apple juice. Keep that in mind. I get in the bathroom. And I go, I only had a lot of apple juice. I only got it. I just do it standing up. Right. That's when I hear the seatbelt side. And that's when I hear. Oh, hey, ladies and gentlemen, we're hitting we're hitting a big patch of turbulence. You might want to take your seats.

That's like my biggest fucking nightmare. Every time I go take a piss at a fucking airplane, I'm always like, it's going to ring. It's going to ring. The problem wasn't really, what the? Okay, I'm sorry. A guy on Steam just added me and his Steam username is a link to a porn vid. Hell yeah. Which one?

Which one? Which one? We'll post it. Hell yeah. Which one? Which one? We'll post it in the description. Which one? It'll be right below the fucking timestamp. What the fuck? It'll be the fucking title. We figured out the title.

I was about to say. Below the timestamp? What the fuck is this? Look and guess. That's a virus. That's a virus. That is absolutely, that's a virus. That is not. That's the coronavirus out there.

I'm gonna politely decline. Thank you for the invitation. Everything after dot com is written in subtitles. That's how you know it's good. But yeah, I hear the seatbelt sign. I hear the... Hey, if anyone's pissing right now, you should probably sit down.

But I'm stubborn. And I'm like, if I go back there, not only am I going to have to wobble my way back to my seat because it's going to be shaking. Like, fuck that. I'm already here. I already made the trek. I'm just going to do it right here.

So, a couple problems. Number one, I have a tendency to split piss. Like, a lot. So, without the rumble pack... So, without the rumble on i already have trouble um you know i've never heard anybody say that they have a tendency to split this oh recently i had a triple uh i don't know how that

happened but the problem the problem side note problem with triple pissing is that yes none of them go in the center i had a i had to clean a lot is what i'm saying um but basically i have a tendency to split piss and um the problem with being half circumcised is that sometimes when you're not paying attention and it's just me with crossed arms please yeah that's perfect

I will draw that for you oh that's so much better the problem with being half-circumcised is that sometimes when you're not paying attention, you have a little bit of leftover skin blocking the shaft.

How is that not a problem for fully uncircumcised folk? You have less skin than them. Because I forget. Because with the circumcised folk, you don't forget. You have more skin than them? No, no. How do you forget about that?

No, I'm saying I forget that I have more skin. Easily. Yeah, that's exactly what I fucking said. How do you forget you have more skin? Because he's half circumcised. Because I'm half circumcised. Only half of it is gone it's just it's right under the ring that

used to choke the shit out of my cock ah so it was a bunk job so it wasn't a bunk job Ed requested it I requested they were gonna get rid of it all but then I said hey maybe if they only get rid of half it'll hurt less it was an intentionally botched job

um so yeah combine all that with the fact that a cyclone hit the fucking plane. We're talking You know those fucking rides at Disney Disney World where you get in like a fake

spaceship and you do like the simulation where it just fucking shakes you around? Yeah. Imagine that but you're standing. You're standing. Your cock is out and you're pissing. That shit went everywhere and I kept and I didn't know where to put

my hands. I didn't know where to hold my cock or to fucking grab onto the fucking wall so I didn't know where to put my hands I didn't know where to hold my cock or to fucking grab onto the fucking wall so I don't fall you're not one of those I can stop pissing while I'm pissing

so my cock no no no I could not stop I drink a lot of apple juice I made sure you want to see how hard I can piss I made sure to say

how much apple juice I drank and I drank a fuckload say how much apple juice I drank. And I drank a fuckload. I really like apple juice. I can tell. So yeah, the main problem was, like, I didn't know what to do with my hands. So at a point I just accepted it and I had one hand doing damage control, the other hand on my jaw. Trying to salvage what I could.

I love to imagine damage control is just you punching whichever wall you're falling toward at that given moment. It was a combination of punching and push slapping. Oh my god. I also ended up hitting my head on hitting my head on um hitting my head on like yeah on the mirror

in the process i'm guessing all of this was i there and then lastly um so as you can imagine of course say that it's fine it's censored. Anyway. Anyway. Long story short, piss went absolutely everywhere. I touched a lot of it sadly because, you know, with the plane moving around. I mean, this looks like a crime scene. Especially with the blood on the mirror.

Oh no. Oh, no. Wait, you actually bled. No, no. I hit my head really hard on the mirror. Holy shit. And speaking of blood, I then went, no, I was really dizzy. And then the plane was shaking. But my thought process was, okay, this looks like this is a mess.

I need to get like toilet paper now. For some reason, the toilet paper in this bathroom was, I don't even know what material this was. It wasn't metal. Sandpaper? It was kind of like sandpaper-ish wood. But that was- Oh, it was probably like construction papery? No, no, no.

I'm not talking about the paper itself. I'm saying the container the paper was in. So I had to like open a lid that was made of that and then shove my hand in and get the paper. But when I shoved my hand in, I was so dizzy because I hit my fucking head that I scraped along the skin of my fingers

on the sandpaper-ish surface. Oh my god. I cut the fuck out of my hand. Getting my hand in and then getting my hand out, I cut myself fuck out of my hand getting my hand in and then getting my hand out I cut myself even further so

there was probably I probably missed a couple stains of piss so I just want you to picture I just want you to picture the next person that goes in fuckload of piss how is there piss on the ceiling just everywhere dude that's an is there piss on the ceiling? Just

everywhere. Dude, that's an impressive feat. Blood on the mirror and a fuckton of blood and skin flakes next to the toilet. Skin flakes? Yeah, no. There's just meat in the toilet paper dispenser. There's just

fucking dandruff everywhere. What the fuck? There's a fucking sirloin of ed in the fucking toilet paper. Yeah, that was my airplane turbulence piss experience. That was an experience.

I wasn't sure. It's not a good one. And that's not even the grossest story I have on this podcast. On this episode. Alright, well time for your second story, Ed. Oh, we're jumping right into it? I feel fucking awful after saying that. Alright, Boo, it's your turn.

Wait, what? You're our cushion. Oh no. No, I'm terrible under pressure. Okay. I got a under pressure. Okay. I got a list here. Did I tell you about the time we annihilated a hamster? Why is this the second time we have a story about annihilating hamsters on this podcast?

David. It's because I. Listen, David told me to tell these stories. So you pinned this on him. It's because Boo was really fucking drunk and just telling me stories out of nowhere. I feel like the first part is not, like, necessary

to understand. Like, you don't need to mention the first part when you say the second part. I feel like most of the time when Boo has told me stories, he's been fucking hammered. Yeah, there's an implication there. Nobody else knows you, what? Listen,

the only people that matter are the people that do know. There you go. That doesn't make sense. No, it did. Fuck the audience, I agree. Yeah, fuck the audience. Anyways, I was four years old. Don't worry, I'm a guest. You can pin it all on me. I was four years old. Don't worry, I'm a guest.

You can pin it all on me. Okay. I was four years old, and I was chilling at my cousin's house. My mom got me a hamster as an early birthday present. It was just a, like, literally right out of the box. You really should have called this story, oh, this story had destroyed the hamster. I know how this ends. Oh, my God.

You're going to suplex it or something four-year-old me did a fucking lariat okay okay so we brought it out to the porch because like like again this is in florida so it was like one of those like dinky little porches like the thin screen it's flor's Florida, so that hammer was going to eventually get destroyed. Oh yeah, absolutely. Did I say hammer? Yeah, hammered. Okay, so we were just chilling out on the porch, letting it run around

and I picked it up I screamed and fucking four year old smooth brain me instinctively threw it to the side and I threw it I threw it so fucking hard it left a dent in the porch wall and it died on impact

I got so fucking sad and we buried it in the backyard and never spoke of it again happy birthday that's it? why is every fucking story... You know what? I should have been suspicious when David was the one who was like, dude,

Boo has so many stories. Yeah, that was a good suspicion. Don't be mean to Boo, be mean to me. I am being mean to you! Listen, I have more stories, but I'm horrible under pressure, so blame David. And what do you want to blame David for on this podcast?

I'm good. I'm good with David. I don't know about that. I'm not even good with myself right now. No, I'm good with David on this episode. So far, I mean, his was my favorite out of the ones that aren't me. Yeah, it was mine too. That wasn't a story.

No, but it led to fucking horrible things. Anything that has to do with me finding out new furry rituals, I'm happy. Rituals. I don't know. They draw pentagram and shit on the floor and sacrifice a diaper. I don't know what... If you want to be another candy guy, do the sacrifice.

I don't know. I just don't want to be a nerd when they... When they're like, oh, wow. Look at this fucking idiot. I bet he doesn't shit his pants. And then all the furries will make fun of me. What a fucking nightmare situation where furries are mocking you. That's a fever dream.

If you're getting mocked by furries. If you're getting mocked by furries, you're probably doing all right. Yeah. Speaking of that, do you want to tell the poop story? No. There's another one? Jesus. How many of these do you want to tell the poop story? No. There's another one? Jesus. How many of these do you have loaded?

Okay, so that one is old. That one was... So, did you guys notice that before we recorded this episode, I completely... I looked at the word poop and I totally forgot what it was. Yes. That story happened like five or six years ago okay and i had so a lot of stories on this podcast and i know but the thing is i went through therapy to forget that story why'd you put it in topics chat because on that day i remembered it and i told my now current girlfriend

that story and she loved it and she said you should tell it on the podcast and i was like yeah fuck it yeah but then afterwards like the therapy kicked back in and i just looked at poop and i went i have no idea what that is. All right, you know what? I was trying to cover for him. Ed was the guy in my computer literacy class. No, I wasn't. If I was, I would have owned up to it. God, you're such a Chad.

I mean, I would have. It's funny. Yeah, I shit myself. But no. Yeah, you would think that's funny. But no, that's not worth this story is it all um so five years ago i was like 17 17 16 so 17 16 is when i started being like hey sex is pretty nice and that's when i also started i hate this already i really fucking don't like where this is going david the veto to not hear the fucking diaper

first story was overwritten so you don't get a say in this ed tell your fucking sex story so i so i'm like 16 17 and there is no way we make money off of this episode. No, there is already no way. That's a foregone conclusion. Go ahead. Go crazy. Because I'm going to be talking about underage sex here. So yeah, that's gone. Why did you have to put it like that?

Are you sure we should veto this? Are you sure we should veto this? Anyway, so at also 16 and 17, not only are you like, sex is nice, you're also like, things that you can do in sex, I'm about to discover them.

Is this the first episode we cancel because of the fucking content? No, absolutely not. Also, it literally wouldn't be because of the fucking Cameron episode. absolutely not also it literally wouldn't be because of the fucking cameron episode so at this point i'm dating a girl who is a quiet girl if you catch what i'm saying oh what no no oh okay in case people actually don't get that quiet girls are usually super kinky that's what i'm getting at so i'm i get the fucking shit david david you said your story let ed continue yes reluctantly

me and her we usually joke about, you know. Go ahead. How close were you to your microphone? What do you joke about? We usually joke about, you know, not doing it in the way God intended. Oh, yeah. So we would. would the ass you could you could put it that way yeah we would joke about that and then on a faithful night she asked me oh my god i mean we could try it. Oh no! Oh no!

She didn't clean it out. Oh no! Oh no! Well, we were young and dumb and we didn't do our research. I'll put that mildly. Oh my fucking god.

So, you know, she's in my place. We get in bed. And, you know, things start getting frisky. And we're doing my place because, you know, her parents were like... Because if you're gonna do anal, you might as well be courteous.

You might as well do it at the Portuguese guy's place. Oh my god. They have the best rehab centers in the world. So, we're getting in bed, and you know, we're getting the foreplay going, and we start with some regular ones.

Because she starts having second thoughts, you know, pussy shit. So, So, So, finally, we work up to it, because i'm also not looking forward to it because why'd you do it because if you weren't looking forward to it why'd you do it because i know that quote which is like you can't smell porn right so important

i've heard that no i'll come to your defense said i've heard that because important you can't smell porn yeah well it's not even just an anal thing it's the fact that apparently porn sets smell fucking vile yeah oh wow okay yeah i can see that so you catch my drift so i'm being like yeah maybe we'll try another day. You know, but then we're like, I know. Let's give it a shot. So all we know is we need lube. Because duh. But that's all we know. So we just, you know.

I mean, how much detail you guys want me to go in here? Basically, we use any of it. We use the lube and then, you know, we get started slowly and so far so good. No problem. I'm constantly checking in on it to see if we're clean and so far so good. So then we keep going and it's going great she obviously says it kind of hurts blah blah blah but then she starts going because what do you care but then she starts lying to me and telling me that it feels good and i go thanks appreciate it champ and then and I go, thanks. Appreciate it, champ. And then

we keep going and then we try one or two positions. So far, excellent. And then you know, we're at the home stretch. I'm laughing but I'm laughing at how

low we just hit today. So I'm at the home of this episode. David, fucking pretend that you did not bring us here. I know that I brought us here, and that's why I'm crying. It's all your fault, David. I fucking hate it.

Basically, you know, I'm about to pull the devil trigger. You know, my sister found out I have a podcast tonight. Oh, my God. That was her mistake. I didn't tell her the name, but she might find it. Hi.

Hey. So I'm about to pull the devil trigger and then bang bang well this part's embarrassing uh how do i oh man i didn't think i didn't think this far ahead i didn't oh god you thought you didn't get this far um so i'm about to pull the old devil trigger but oh god how in detail am I allowed to go? As in detail as you want friendo. I don't want. I mean obviously I'm not a fucking caveman

so I pull out. What would you need to pull out for Adolette? So I pull out and then it was common courtesy. come on how do i explain this what if she got pregnant just no i mean i mean i'm pulling out and you know she had

to lay an egg fucking shut up i i pull out and i'm literally at the edge and I'm staring at her. She's fucking her head. She's on her knees. Her head is on the bed and she's got her ass her hands on her ass cheeks and I stare and I stare at the damage I just did and everything's fine

until it winks at me Oh no! The damage I just did. And everything's fine until it winks at me. Oh no! Why did you say that? David fucking deafened. I can't do this. And the moment it winked.

Disgusting. A pellet... A... No... Nonchalant pellet of shit... Squeezed out of her ass. Did she... Did she shoot it out like the Mega Man Buster? And dribbled onto her cooch.

Oh no, I can't do this. Oh no. David Deppened again. He can't do this. And that's where I had to make a choice. Do I finish? Or do I warn her? Oh no. David's story's not over. Or do I warn her?

David, the story's not over. Oh, God. I just... So I'm looking up and down. Down onto my dong. And up onto ground zero. And at this point, it's like a cartoon cartoon i keep looking at one and then the other one and then the other and i'm grimacing i'm like the choice i have to make it why did you say grimacing that makes it so much worse and that's when i let go and i tell her hey, we gotta stop. And she goes, why?

And then I tell her, you need to go clean yourself up. I think I'm done. And she goes, oh, why? And then I go, I just think we're done professionally. I'm sorry, guys. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry I did this. I brought this story. And then she stands up. And that's when she feels it on her leg and realizes what just transpired. David's having a fucking experience over here.

I am hating this. She starts sprinting towards the bathroom. Not before slipping. No. No. slipping no no cause she starts sprinting but also reaching for the doorknob of my bathroom at the same time

and she basically slipped with her hand like reaching out to the doorknob and she fucking knocked her jaw on the floor with shit drooping down her leg oh no and that's my story okay drooping down her leg. Oh, no. And that's my story.

Okay, I have a few shorter ones in case you need to cut all that, David. We're just in it now. Fuck it, you know? I don't think I like this at all. On the positive side of things,

I was clean. So, that was nice. I'm sorry to anybody that fucking got this far. We're only just beginning. Hello, new listeners. Hello, I just beginning. Hello, new listeners. Hello, I'm new.

Goodbye, old listeners. Oh my fucking god. But yeah, that's my... I'm just kind of like... I'm on this weird high where I just... I don't know. That was a lot of things off my chest.

Yeah. Well, I'm glad you feel better. I feel like the most unsafe I've ever felt in my fucking life right now. Ed had to go to therapy because someone shit herself when they're having sex. I don't think you understand that this traumatized me.

I do, and that's why I'm laughing. That's fucked, David. You're laughing too, David. Could you imagine seeing a winking asshole? Yes. Pushing. I don't want. I don't want

it was like oh man I'm with Ed on this I would it was so fucking gross oh why did you fucking describe it like that I'm censoring that that's actually called

Santorum excuse me yeah the mixture of shit and lube in an asshole. Why do you know that? Avery, why do you know that? Why do you think he knows that? That's actually not the case, Ed. It's the fact that Rick Santorum was a super

homophobic politician. And so they named it after him as a way to get back at him. Oh, okay. The more you know. That's nice. Also, it sounds like a fucking Lovecraftian beast. The Santorum coming out of

her asshole. I'm gonna cry. I feel like I think I'm already crying. I'm gonna be honest. Patreon questions. Pillows, the cow farmer asks what are you most excited to happen for this year patreon questions if you're part of the five dollars and above tiers you can ask a question for the patreon at the end of the episode are

you sure you want to listen i'm sorry to everybody whose name is going to be named after all that i'm most excited for signing up to therapy again what am i excited what was the question again can you say it again most excited to happen for this year i'm excited to go to the conventions I have to go to for a bunch of reasons. I'm moving halfway across the country in like a week and a half. Oh, actually, you know what? You know what? That's probably my thing. I'm excited to move out.

Oh, yeah. I'm excited for Hi-Rez Expo, brought to you by INAP. You're going to Hi-Rez Expo? Nope. Ed ed got his announcer back now he's a loose cannon oh yeah i got what i want i'm excited to be on more podcasts so i can try this shit again i'm sorry that this was the first one no no no it's a good first impression anyways what's the next one don It's Logan Hawkins asks. Don't worry, Boo. The first one I was on, I went way

too deep into how much I hate fat women. So you're good. It's true. Okay, then. I believe you on that. It's Logan Hawkins asks, What's a guilty pleasure you have? I know what Santorum is. Fuck.

I don't have any guilty pleasures, really, because I if we're being, like, serious and honest, I don't have any guilty pleasures because usually if I like something, I won't feel guilty about liking it. Yeah, like diapers. To be honest.

I fucking hate you. Why are you being so defensive fuck off my guilty pleasure is fire force that's not even true you couldn't finish it I mean it's not that I couldn't finish it

because it was bad I couldn't finish it because I ran out of space on my phone I only had 9 episodes the animation's good it's a shame about the everything bad. I couldn't finish it because I ran out of space on my phone. I only had nine episodes. The animation is good. It's a shame about the everything. I don't care. I'm a piece of shit. You didn't watch Firefall. Anime is for losers.

You did? Yes. I remember we watched like three episodes and you said it was shit. I didn't watch it with you. What? I did not watch it with you. I was not there. It was in Colorado. I wasn't there. You weren't? I did not watch it with you, David. I promise you. Who did I watch it with you. I was not there. I wasn't there. I did not watch it with you, David. I promise you. Who did I watch it with? I know Cameron was there.

Probably him, then, if you're asking who you watched it with. Oh. I guess. I'm fucking stupid. Dude, all these stories, I think my fucking brain cells just collapsed on themselves. I don't blame you.

I don't blame you. Miyako asks do you have any weird collections? Do you know what Santorum is? Shut the fuck up. David do you have any weird collections? Anything you want to bring to the table? I mean it's not weird.

Eh. I got one. I collect vinyls. It's not I mean, it's not weird. Eh. I got one. I collect vinyls. It's not weird, though. What? That's not weird. Yeah. I collect, well, I don't collect anymore, but I have a complete collection, because I used to collect them, of these, like,

limited edition Raving Rabbids figurines, but they each represent a country what what I gotta find these no this is fake

this is a lie these don't exist I know for a fact that these are real because they were part of a fucking collection called the UBR collection oh I only know this because... There you go, I found a picture of it. Somebody's also got the whole collection.

I only know this because... I'm putting it in Patreon questions. Eat my ass. Yeah, those are the ones I... Yikes. This is really... Oh my god. This is kind of racist.

Yeah, this is kind of racist. This is extremely racist. I don't think so. Okay, if you say so. Where's the Portuguese one? Hey, can I pick a question? The one that's in rehab. Can I pick a question?

Yes, you absolutely may. Oh, there it is. The one all the way on the right with the singing. Okay. Hey, it's Rue says, this one time in college, I shit the bed because I drank Everclear. I swore to everything that was holy to me that I would never touch that stuff again.

On that note, is there a type of liquor that you won't touch and want to share with us and why? Wow, that fits right in with the rest of the episode. A type of liquor that I will not touch? Yeah. What's the kind of liquor that makes you shit yourself?

Oh, no. Makes me shit myself. Well, it doesn't make me shit myself. Bailey's makes me shit myself. Because it's a cream and you have fucking... Yeah. Well, that. It's like Irish coffee.

Well, no, it's just really thick. That and Malibu. Malibu also makes me shit myself. I thought this was just like swearing off an alcohol. This is going places. Oh, well, I only have one sworn off, and that's vodka. I fucking hate vodka.

Yeah, I fucking... No, you go ahead. No, you go ahead. Oh my god. For David, it's fucking tequila. What's yours, boo? Okay, I drink straight... Okay. Okay, I drink straight up vodka once. Not even mixing it with anything, just like neck the

entire bottle. Yeah, me too. That's why I swore it off. I ended up in fucking France. I still drink it, but I only... Yeah, you did. I still drink it, but I only mix it with other shit. That's the rule. Anyways, Avery, what's yours? I have not sworn off any liquors. That's the problem the problem your baby i think it's just that i've never gotten drunk enough to wind up in france yeah you're a baby um let me pick one uh oh hell yeah what's

the most useless thing you've ever bought who asked it who said uh gibbler who asked it who said uh gibbler hell yeah um um that's a good question but i but i can't think of the answer oh shit i mean yeah i can't think of something there's a lot of useless shit my ps4 really if anyone has a diploma there's a really easy answer i dropped out oh oh yeah that's right i got one i have a music diploma. I have a technical certificate. That's like a quarter of a diploma. It's worse. The thing is, I actually used my diploma.

Oh, wait, no. I have an actual good answer. Oh, Avery, you'll like this one. Fuck. Avery, what's that shithole your friend goes to high school in? What? That shithole in Texas?

I... Oh. Lovick? Yeah, tickets to Lovick. Boom. Why do you have typical... What? What's the lore behind lovek i think i get it oh no i get it i get it there's context here that i don't know explain pillows

the cow farmer asked a host of the podcast has been arrested which one was it and what crime would best fit said host david had fucked a child oh it is david for fucking a child ed did that was a good deflection ed masterful some would say he sounds so disappointed i just this episode man Jesus I can't believe everyone it's my first one I can't believe everyone came out swinging at me and I just instantly won

yeah it's true I didn't say shit you're welcome for building up that rapport with the audience about David being a notorious pedophile hey no problem. Otherwise, that deflection wouldn't have worked. Wouldn't it? He watches Moe.

Oh, true. Like a lot of Moe. No, I don't. God, I fucking... You guys fucking... He sounds so defeated. Okay, now, better answer. He plays a lot of BlazBlue.

Oh, no. That's even worse. Oh, no. David's got two monitors specifically so that he can have Moe on the right one and BlazBlue on the left. I fucking hate you guys. The worst is when David's playing cross tag. He only picks the ruby characters oh no

I don't know what to say anymore I'm so fucking done this episode is not coming out. Martinez, Marco Sotelo, Rycen, looking fresh though, Ryan Rankin, Seawolf812, Sky, Spooky Ghost, Teague, The No Ninja, Travis Vapes, Tyler Collins, and On Arm Toaster. Thank you so much for the support and I hope we see you soon.