Plumbing the Death Star - Are Horror Movie Villains Scary? (Feat. Zoe)

Episode Date: May 27, 2014

In which our heroes celebrate halloween by looking at horror villains and try to stifle a laugh. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pans Radio, because humans can lick too. Hi there, and welcome to a very special Halloween edition of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, Are horror movie villains really that scary? Not all horror movie villains are scary. No, a lot are. No, like, okay, okay, let's take, uh, Sc are. No, look at the Scream franchise. It's just a teenager with a knife. Call the cops.

Done. That's sold. I think if you've got a villain and the way to stop that villain is call the cops, you're not a scary villain. Like they say Ginger Dead Man. The Ginger Dead Man? The Ginger Dead Man? Yeah.

That's the one? Yeah. If I can eat. Okay, the ginger dead man is like, you know the ginger bread man, the story? Yeah. Yeah. I know all of it. Yeah, so you know that, but imagine if instead of coming out as like a casual little ginger

bread man who just runs, he came out as like a psychopath. Oh, okay. I think they kill him with milk. I can't quite remember how it ends. If that's like your weakness, you're a bad fucking villain. Pick a new job. Yeah. Murder?

Not your forte. But yeah, classic vampire films. I mean, just don't invite people into your house. I think if you have a weakness as a villain, you're already undone. The instant it's like, if he touches grapes, he'll die. Ruined. You've sown your own demise. You just spend the whole film pegging grapes at him.

He's like, ah! I didn't think they'd have grapes in the house. I think that would mean that the protagonist of that film would then turn into the antagonist, because you're like, I feel sorry for that guy being pelted with grapes. Wait, is it just a dude? I would like it to be a grape allergy. Wherever it hits, there's this nasty rash.

Stop it! I was just trying to sell you insurance, why? Yeah, no, I agree. Okay, but before we've got to sort of discuss what's not scary, what is a scary horror movie villain? Nice to have like a control group that we can compare stuff to. I mean, zombies are overdone, but they are kind of scary because there's

usually... No, no, no, no, no. Don't make that fucking face, Jackson. You piece of shit. I agree with Joel. I think zombies can be scary because... One zombie? Not scary? Lots of zombies? I'm gonna fucking take a shit right on your head if you keep interrupting me. I think one zombie is scarier than a lot of zombies

How? That mathematically doesn't make any sense What is wrong with you? You've got one zombie and he's scary times that by ten, shut the fuck up for a second That's ten times scarier It's like, there's a giant fucking shark Now there's two giant sharks, I'm less scared

Alright, let's say one zombie trying to get through a door,. One zombie trying to get through a door. Terrifying. Twenty zombies trying to get through one door. Hilarious as they all try and push together at once. Creating their own zombie-made door. Exactly. And then you are stuck in the room.

Where's the exit, guys? It's a thing full of zombies that are wanting to tear you apart and eat you. But also with zombies, I'm pretty sure nature will take care of them. No, but that's... Birds of prey. It's not... But nature also takes...

Nature also fucking takes care of humans. If you're stuck somewhere and you don't eat or drink, you're gonna die. Just yell. In this scenario, just yell. Or it won't happen. I'm waiting for my turn to talk. No. No, just yell. Do you know what you've my turn to talk i know no all right you know we

established zombies are scary and jackson and joel are fucked i think i think zombies are scary like as a viewer because it makes you think of your own mortality like what would you do in that no fuck viewers i'm talking about real life no but that's the fucking thing i agree with zowie and then you're there and you're like i I'm going to die eventually because of these fucking zombies. But that's why it's not scary for me. Because I'm like, one zombie, I'm going to be like, oh, yeah, yeah. Cancer has made me immune to zombies. No, but it's like one zombie.

Yeah, they don't want your cancer in your body. I'm like, fuck, one zombie, I might be able to outrun. And now I'm panicked. Now I'm stressed. Am I going to get out of the house? Am I not? 50 zombies, I'm like, oh, well. I'll make a sandwich. I had a good run. I'm panicked. Now I'm stressed. Am I going to get out of the house? Am I not? 50 zombies. I'm like, oh, well.

I'll make a sandwich. I had a good run. I'm not escaping this. Open the door. Accept my fate, motherfucker. You'd be one of those shit movies where, like, the protagonist sacrifices himself. And I'd be like, no, no. I'm not doing it for anyone.

But I'm just like, well, goodbye. And I open the door and all the zombies rush in. And you and everyone else. We could have waited it out, but no. Fuck you. Fuck you all! Fuck you, Jackson.

You just ruined it for everyone. Okay, so zombies are only kind of scary if there's one you're frightened because you might die. Alien? As in xenomorphs? Yeah, xenomorphs are terrifying. Yeah, they'res? Yeah, yeah, xenomorphs. Yeah, they're scary. Yeah, I guess xenomorphs kind of have that thing where okay, you're like, okay, finally I've got a weapon. Shoot it.

Oh god, their blood is acid. They just keep getting worse. And it's like, if it gets you, like a werewolf gets you, you're dead. No way, hang on, you become a werewolf. Wrong one. A zombie gets you, you're dead. You're dead. No, you're also not a one. A zombie gets you, you're dead. No, you're also not a zombie.

Not necessarily! Well, not necessarily werewolf either. A skeleton gets you, you're dead. There you go, prime example of not terrifying villain. Agreed, but a xenomorph gets you and then leaves and you're like, oh no. I'm gonna belly birth the thing.

That's very true. Right, that's I reckon going to belly birth a thing. That's very true. Right, that's, I reckon, why xenomorphs are scary. So zombies and xenomorphs. Yeah, I think they're top echelon of terrifying. You guys seen The Descent? Yes. Those, they're called the creepers. They are the worst.

Because they're little and, not little, but they're... They're like humanoid. They've got like weird little red eyeballs. Are they green? No, they're like pale and hairless. I think it's... And they're... They're, like, humanoid. They've got, like, weird little red eyeballs. Are they green? No, they're, like, pale and hairless. I think it's... And they're really creepy. And it's also that idea that they live underground

and you have to be stuck underground with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what claustrophobia is. Yeah, but the thing is, like, the things aren't terrifying. It's the being underground that terrifies me. Yeah. He's saying those things. You ran into one of those things in the street,

you'd just be like, eh. Yeah, the street. Like, I don't give a fuck. Like, I can't see. Plus, it's blind. If there's blind now, start smacking it a bit. Yeah, because it's the underground. Because if, you'd just be like, eh. Yeah, the street. Like, I don't give a fuck. Like, I can't see. Plus it's blind. If it's blind now, start smacking it a bit. Yeah, because that's the underground. Because if I was underground with, like, a thousand bears,

I'd be terrified. Equally, if I was, like, climbing through a little narrow crowd, I'd be like, I'd be fine with a thousand bears in general. Yeah. A thousand bears in the street? Whatever! Bears can't open doors. A thousand blind bears, I might be okay. Yeah, right? That's because you're facing these little creeper things in their own was a blind bear, I might be okay. Yeah, right?

That's because you're facing these little creeper things in their own territory. It'd be like fighting me in my home where the winner was the most laziest. Do you know what would be a scary horror movie villain? What? Swarm of Bees. No. A vengeful swarm of bees. I'll put on a beekeeper's outfit and now I'm okay. Yeah, beekeeper, done.

Yeah. That's not terrifying at all. All right, okay. Giant hornets, though. Yeah, okay. You've got something to be terrified about. Giant ants? Insects.

Is that scary? I think insects. Oh, there's giant ants in a movie. Like an old movie. I know. What's wrong with giant ants? Giant ants wouldn't survive because ants actually, they don't breathe. They don't have a lung capacity to breathe.

They just get the air pushed in through their exoskeleton. So if you've got giant ants, the wind pressure wouldn't be forceful enough for them to breathe, so they'd die straight away. Fuck them. They're dead. And then we'd have awesome giant ants that climb on. Duh. Duh.

Duh. Come on. It'd be great. Yeah, douche, you're wrong again. Fuck you. I'm right about everything Now Okay, so zombies aren't scary

Fucking bees aren't scary But fucking Xenomorphs are scary Actually, no Xenomorphs are pretty scary Yeah, terrifying I guess like The whole first alien film

Is I shit my pants The whole time There's only one of those Motherfuckers See, yeah Actually That's why two was terrifying No, no, no

There's a swarm No, no Jackson, you're right About the zombie things First alien Scary Aliens Don't give a shit And there's a swarm. No, no. Jackson, you're right about the zombie things. First alien, scary. Aliens? Don't give a shit. And there's a million of them then. Yeah, it's just

the one. Because you might be able to survive. Yeah, exactly. You've got that hope. It gives you that hope. Ha! Do you know what is scary? I just gave you like a horrorgasm. Ha! No, do you know what is scary? The thing. Like the thing from the John Carpenter film. Yeah. One. The titular thing

from The Thing? Yeah, yeah. The Thing from The Thing. The Thing, made famous by John Carpenter in the 1982 film, The Thing. Yeah. The Thing. Yeah, no, The Thing is frightening, because like... We're talking about the FF Orange Monster, right?

Yeah, oh, yeah. Cool. No, absolutely. Yeah, The Thing. You know, the guy made of bricks Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, the thing. The guy made of bricks. Terrifying. The thing. The horror movie thing. What does he say? It's rumbling time. It's clobbering time.

The idea of like, when you'd already opened it up with a knife. It's clobbering time. The scariest part about the thing is it's sort of like Invasion of the Body Snatchers where anyone could be the thing. But rather than Invasion of the Body Snatchers

where they just point and go, or whatever the fuck they do. There we go, that noise. The thing is just like tentacles and shit. Just fuck your shit up. Yeah, the thing's scary. So really, is it the fear of the known? It's something that's there, but it the fear of the known? Like things that,

it's something that's there, but it's sort of been twisted in. It's just a fraction. It's the fear of the very unknown. Yeah, but it's, it's taking like the thing, how it sort of,

it takes the appearance of something like your best friend, your buddy. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's, it's sort of like taking something that you would know and then just twisting it a little bit. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So just to summarise, we're scared of like two horror movie villains. All up. And one is less scary when there's more of them. And the other one... Is in space.

What? No! If the thing was in space, I wouldn't care. I'd be like, it's in space. I'm safe. Let's take some classic horror films, villains, and let's try and sort of dismantle and see, are they kind of terrifying or kind of lame? So, who wants to go first?

Godzilla is not scary. What's frightening about Godzilla? Maybe the fact that he's a giant lizard monster that fucks up buildings that people live in. All right, so... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Should people live in. Alright, so, um... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wait a second. You're in your house. All of a sudden, a giant foot

comes through the roof, kills one of your family members, the other one's cut in half and bleeding. Don't worry about my family members. Am I alive, right? You're alive, but your house is like... Were you at my house? Is the house insured? No.

Is it Godzilla insurance? No. There is no Godzilla insurance. No, but this is why that's not scary. It stops on your house. It sees that there's people alive and it tries to eat you. Why?

Why would it? Because it feeds on... Okay, Dusha, Dusha, shut the fuck up. All right, no, okay. Dusha, Dusha. All right! You gonna listen to me? Yes.

You are walking. You stand on an ant Do you then turn around and eat the ant's family? No, but Godzilla No, you carry on your way because Godzilla eats people though There's probably people that eat ants as well Godzilla eats people

No, but he's not gonna notice me No, I know it's not his thing, but he still eats people Does he be like, I'm hungry so I'm gonna eat a person Or is he just like, they're attacking me If Godzilla is running and he crushes my house Yeah, he's confused Does it be like, I'm hungry so I'm gonna eat a person? Or is it more like, they're attacking me. If Godzilla is running and he crushes my house, yeah, he's confused. It's like being angry at a bear who is rampaging around the house. It's just scared and doesn't know what it's doing.

It's a bear in a house. Why is he in my house? He's just frightened. I'll open up a door. The problem with that is that we're attacking Godzilla and that's why he's attacking and eating humans. Yeah, so if somebody shoots a missile into Godzilla's back, and he crushes my house, he's not sticking around. He's running from the missile. Oh, that's good.

So he takes another step on your house and kills you. Is he just doing a little dance on my house? Yes. Fuck you, Jackson! Fuck this one guy in particular. Fuck you, Godzilla. If somehow the ants were somehow, you know... No!

It's got nothing to do with ants! Yeah, if ants... That's why Godzilla's not scary. Yeah, because he's too big to give a fuck about us. And then, like, an ant had, like, an attack against me. Yeah. Oh, it bit me! Fuck you, ants!

I'd be stepping on him. Yeah, like, if you stepped on, like, a bull ant and it bit you... Yeah, I'd take out that ant. Yeah, but you take out the ant that bit you, not, like, just the Jackson ant who's chilling in his house eating sandwiches. If there's like an ant that bites you and there's other ants around it, you'd probably kill the other ants. Well, maybe.

You'd take it out in the whole coffin. Maybe a couple. Yeah, all right. So if a lot of it is a reckoning to ants. Fuck you, ants. But yeah, yeah. I mean, if he's going out of Godzilla's way, Godzilla's not going out of his way to attack me.

Yeah. That's why Godzilla's not scary. And once Godzilla has run through my city, he's off. And I don't have to worry about him anymore. He's not vindictive, you know? You know who you've got to be frightened of in that movie? The government who drops a fucking nuke on you.

That's who you've got to be afraid of. Not Godzilla. I'll just be like, Godzilla! Godzilla, do you want to go back to the sea? And he'll be like, and I'll be like, exactly! Fucking right! And then he'll go back to the sea? And he'll be like, and I'll be like, exactly. Fucking right. And then he'll go back to the sea and it's not a problem. Godzilla's not scary.

Godzilla, true victim of that film. Also, he protects Japan all the time from Mothra and shit. Yeah, man. What have you ever done? I've done a fucking lot of things. I haven't seen you protecting Japan from Mothra, douche. Because I don't care about Japan. Actually, I do care. I don't care about Japan. Actually, I do care.

I guess I care about Japan as much as I care about any other country. I don't really care about, like, Germany. Hey, man. I'd be dead if it wasn't for Germany. Actually, I wouldn't be dead. I just wouldn't exist. Anyway, point of the story is, fuck you, Godzilla can fuck up a whole city. Yeah, but it's not...

No, but it's not... Just because it's not a personal attack doesn't mean it's not scary. Yeah, but same way that a bear can rip through a caravan park. It's not, like, terrifying. It's just like, oh, it's something that happened and it's unfortunate. There's an angry bear in your house clawing at your

housebeats. But... Why are you not fighting it? No, you know what it's more like? There's a tornado coming for you. It's coming for your city. Yeah. Godzilla is a natural disaster. No, you can't it's more like? There's a tornado coming for you. It's coming for your city. Yeah. Godzilla is a natural disaster. I can't be angry at that. No, you can't be angry! It just needs to be like...

Fuck you guys. I'm not terrified. I give up. I gotta take precautions and be like, alright, I gotta put my Godzilla... Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Go underground, get my Godzilla bunker.

If you stay inside of a doorway, that's the safest place in a Godzilla attack. See? We have plans. Okay. Yeah, hide's the safest place in a Godzilla attack. See? We have plans. Okay. Yeah, hide in the bathtub. Okay. Fuck Godzilla.

I, at least a far less scarier villain, if you can call it that, is in the ring, the VHS. The ring girl or the actual VHS? The VHS. Because the ring girl only comes out after the VHS. She never fucks anyone up shit unless they watch the tape. This is something I always wondered about the ring. Tape something over it. Problem solved.

No, but say it's been saved by an episode of Two and a Half Men. The ring girl is a bit of a cunt, but go on, Jack. Say it's been seven days. Yeah. And my TV turns on and I'm like, oh shit, Ringo's coming out. And then I just tip my TV over so that the screen's on the floor. And she's just like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

See? Although then I guess I can just never watch TV again. Bob, that's pretty scary. You may as well just lift it up and let it take you. What if, okay, so you put the VHS in, you watch it, it's like, oh, in seven days, you're like, I'm going to buy a new TV.

Doesn't she follow you screen to screen? Yeah. Can she come out of her phone? What if I kill myself first? Will she be tiny? Okay, that's a good way to combat any horror villain. You can't take me, I'm out. Like if you had like on your iPod,

and she came out out but she was just tiny and you just squashed her with your hand. How does she kill you out of curiosity? Also the client is like, hey, someone comes to me like, hey, let's watch this VHS. I'm going to be like, how? I'm just like,

good one, dickhead. This isn't 1998 anymore. Can you download the Ring movie from like Pirate Bay? Will that still work? I don't know. I like to think that the Ringo would come out but she'd be like retarded. Yeah, like, because it was badly done. Yeah, why is she

not VHS quality? Can I pause her? She's like sort of jittering. Oh, she just comes out as those bars. Did she live in that well? I hope not. No, she died in the well. Oh, okay.

Yeah, she was drowned, wasn't she? I thought she got pushed in the well. Yeah, she got pushed in the well, so she died. Why is she mad at people watching TV? This is my point. She's a bit of a dick because it's sort of like rather than, you know, I think is it Naomi Watts in the English one where she frees her and it's like, no, you're free.

And she's like, no, I'm still going on a rampage. She'll kill me. She's like, well, that's a dick move, you dick. I think she's just a spirit. She's been a spirit for so long that she's just angry. She's just furious? I think it might be because it's a movie. Oh!

Plus, and I mean, it brings to a larger point, there's nothing scary about a little kid. No, no, no, there's plenty of things scary about a little child. They're sticky and weird. Not an actual, like an evil child. Nah, all children are evil. Going on that, like you talk about the exorcist.

Yeah. Where the main antagonist is a 12-year-old girl who's possessed. The main antagonist of the exorcist is the devil. Yeah, but he's the devil confined to a little girl in an apartment. I don't even have to get involved in that. also possesses another he possesses like if we're taking this approach you're obviously like um involved yeah you're involved wait am i the exorcist no okay you can be the plucky neighbor you're the mom i'm the mom okay i'll be the plucky neighbor yeah and it's not the devil it's because she's possessed by a demon neighbor. Yeah, and it's not the devil. She's possessed by a demon.

Like, it says that... The demon says, like, I'm the devil, I'm the devil, but it's not actually the devil. It's just a run-of-the-mill demon. See, that would actually, like... To me, if someone was to specify an actual demon devil, that would be more comforting than terrifying. Because it's like, oh, cool. Better you than me.

No, not just that, but yes, demons exist, which means angels must exist, which means there's heaven and earth. Not necessarily. This is beautiful. This is amazing. I'm loving this. There is something else out there. That's comforting to me. Good.

How would you deal with being the neighbour of the people who had the would you hear the noises? Through the wall, just like, fuck me! Fuck me! Turning up the TV. Let Jesus fuck you! Let Jesus fuck you! Let Jesus fuck you!

Let me! Let me! Hang on, let's play this out. You guys, Zoe, you be the two of your girl. Do she, Zamet, you be the mum. And I'm just gonna, like, be the neighbour, and I'm just gonna, okay, so I'm just gonna... What's the mum do? Crying? Yeah, crying a lot.

And you're the exorcist. You're the priest. Knock, knock. Fuck me! Fuck me! Yes? Look, where... The power of Christ compels you.

I've got some friends around. We're trying to watch the game. There's a lot of curse words coming from your apartment. Can you tone it down a bit? Fuck me! Guys! Fuck you! Can you... Look, I've got a complaint from your apartment. Can you tone it down a bit? Guys! Fuck you! Can you, uh, look,

I've got a complaint from the neighbor. The power of Christ can pounce you! I don't want to get to the building super involved. It's all. What do you want to deal with? Have you got a possession? Possession of marijuana? No.

You're doing drugs in your apartment. There's a demon in there. The power of Christ can pounce you! The power of Christ can pounce you! Guys, I don't think we can watch the, doing drugs in your apartment. There's a demon in the park! I want the Antichrist! I want the Antichrist! Guys, I don't think we can watch the game. I think we should go. Hey, are you single? I will kill your family!

I need to leave this place. So, like, in this version of The Exorcist, the mum just goes. It would not be great if you were the neighbour, is my point. No, it wouldn't be the best idea. I think you'd just end up turning up a volume. Yeah, I'll just, like, block it out. Also, like, it's...

That sucked, doing that voice, just for, like, a minute. My throat hurts like a motherfucker. That poor girl who had to do it through the whole film. She didn't actually do it. It was a voice actor that dubbed over Linda Blair. Good. Apparently also, just fun fact,

Linda Bear was absolutely terrified of the dummy that did the 360 head spin. And so when she was a little kid, they'd just follow her around and sit with her. It's nice when people

are mean to children. So yeah, getting back to the exes girl little being, again, it's not terrifying because again,

it's sort of like, well, look, I've got a priest. I think the stuff she does, if you saw it, the'll be, again, it's not terrifying, because, again, it's sort of like, well, look, I've got a priest. I think, like, the stuff she does, like, if you saw it, like, you know, like the head spin, the vomit, the stare backwards crawl, like, I think if you saw someone kind of do that, like someone that you knew couldn't do that, if that makes sense, because, like, if you saw a circus before me, you'd be like, eh.

Nah, still terrifying. Yay, the circus. But if you saw, like, your 12-year-old daughter doing that, you'd kind of be like, ah, I've got to take care of that. I think the vomiting is... Like old Geller style. Back of the shed.

I've got to take care of this. I'm a man now. I'm a man. Yeah, no, I feel like out of those things you listed, the vomiting is really not near the top of my list of my worries. I'm like, no, my daughter's vomiting, and the doctor's like, oh, she's probably just a stomach bug.

Also, she was stabbing herself in the vagina with a crucifix, and her head was rotating 360 degrees. Probably a nasty cold. Head cold. Just put a bandaid on that. It'll be fine. I think Freddy Krueger, for me, is just not a terrifying villain. He comes into your dreams, Zam Zam.

Big fucking whoop. You know what Q was dreaming? What? Meth. Up for weeks. You know what ruins lives? Meth. Do you know who's going to die either What? Meth. Up for weeks. You know what ruins lives? Meth. Do you know who's

going to die either way? You. But would you rather die by Freddy Krueger or just doing like a world record for meth? If he takes

a Guinness book and calls you up they're like congratulations you've done the most meth ever. Thank you. I haven't slept

for a year. Also I tore off my own case. Freddy Krueger's really bored. You've done so much math that somehow it's come to the attention of Guinness World Records. You're not in prison for it either, they're just

impressed. Yeah, he's the biggest meth head in the world. This is amazing. Well done. We'd arrest you, but no, no, we're congratulating you. I've been awake for a year, entirely straight. I tore off my own face. It's good. It's great. Because Freddy Krueger would be kind of I think he'd be bored after

three months. Is he going after you specifically? Yeah, after me specifically. I feel like after a year of you being on meth, you'd just join him. Hey, Freddy, can we just kill shit? Let's do it. Hey, Michael, we got this. I'm fine. It's going to be great. Well, I'll dream warrior the fuck out of you. Or if we don't want to do meth, because

apparently meth is bad, according to Doucher and a lot of other things. And science. Doucher and science. Yeah, I can dream warrior that shit. You're in my dream. I'm going to dream that, you know, you're a baby. Sleeping pills? Would that work? Like getting

such a deep sleep you're not dreaming? Maybe. I feel like that might be something that happens in one of the films. I know that Johnny Depp is like, I'll stay awake and fall asleep watching You idiot Johnny Depp. Then he gets sucked into a bed and there's blood everywhere and everyone's like Yay! Fuck you Johnny Depp.

Homoeroticism. Side note! I feel like if you could just, what is it? Lucid dreaming? Yeah man. Lucid dreaming and you'd be like Freddy Krueger in a tutu and it's so fun now then he would stab you with his claws and then we make out yeah no because literally the third nightmare on elm street is all about them being like wait a second yeah dream warriors yeah yeah dream warriors yeah the title literally gives away what's gonna happen oh yeah i was like yeah dream warriors like all of our viewers like anybody who's anybody will know the plot of Dream Warriors.

Come on. Just Dream Warriors and you're done. So therefore, yeah, Freddy Krueger. And plus, just as a guy, he's not... Even if you were trapped in a room with him, yeah. Yeah, he's multi-faced with knives. I mean, the biggest problem there is I am terrified so I don't do anything. You wear an old man hat.

That's not scary. And a gross sweater. When I look at it, I feel sick. That's still so true. He's still just a guy with a knife. If you had a gun... He's not an actual guy, though. He's already dead.

He's like a demon. And a melty face. Wouldn't that just make you so uncomfortable? Yeah. If it was still melting, you'd be like... You guys are approaching this like Yeah, because remember, Freddy Krueger is already dead Like he was a guy

He's dead, so he's now like an evil spirit So you salt him and then burn him Okay, you're asleep, best of luck Because he doesn't come into the real world Does he? Sometimes To kill Jason he did Jason

Is an easy horror movie villain to evade. Just don't go to Camp Crystal Lake or space and you're fine. Don't have sex either and you're pretty safe. You know, they actually use the Camp Crystal Lake camp for like a little, it's for like. Like it's an actual camp. It's an actual camp and they use like, what's the boy equivalent of girl guy? Scouts. For scouts. They send scouts there. Why use like what's the boy equivalent of girl guys scouts for scouts they send scouts there why would you have

a boy girl scouts yeah no no but scouts like just scouts scouts are young Friday the 13th is an old movie series they wouldn't know what Cam Crystal Lake is and the sign doesn't say Jason X only came out in 2002 or some shit and it was in space

they did a remake what's Jason's deal? They did a remake of Friday the 13th with Mr. Jared Padalecki a couple years ago. That was 2007, I think. And it was directed by Rob Zombie. And no one saw it. It had Jared Padalecki in it, so I saw it. I thought the guy was in Clockwork Orange. Was he in that?

Malcolm McDowell. Yeah. I don't know. Was there any rape in the movie? Because he rapes things in everything he's in. Caligula fist rape. Well, that's Caligula. Caligula loved that shit.

Apparently Caligula and all that stuff didn't happen. Propaganda? Propaganda. But the historians are like, fuck Caligula. Let's make some bullshit up. What about Jaws? Yeah. You know what I'm going to do?

What? I'm not going to gonna go swimming i'm just not gonna even really change my life habits i'm gonna pull i'll just swim in that i don't think i've been to the beach in at least three years so at least i went to the beach earlier in the year but it's still like even jaws level of them like who goes out that deep seriously i go like up to maybe my knees and i'm like good yeah true it's, true. It's not like Jaws is going to be like, uh, onto the shallows. I'm a sucker for that, because, like, when I'm at the beach,

I'm like, I'm deep now. The water's above my head. Ah, well, you're going to get Jaws. Yeah, you would get Jaws. But there's nothing scary about, like, an animal attacking. Nah, sharks aren't terrifying. Yeah, sharks aren't scary.

And they're not making those teeth. They never stop making teeth. They're teeth machines. They're just mouths and teeth. So, wait, have we come to the conclusion that no horror movie villains are scary? You just need to not be an idiot and you'll be fine. You just need to not be in the area. Or not care in the case you're like, Godzilla stepped on your house and wrecked all

your shit. You still don't give a shit. It's a series of unfortunate events, but it's not terrifying. Assuming you had some kind of Godzilla insurance. You'd be sweet. You'd be fine. So most horror movies, either you get that or- Either ignore it. Either ignore it. You don't go wherever it's coming from. You don't watch the VHS. You confront it head on, because I'm pretty sure, again, a teenager with a ghost mask and a knife, if I was just to attack him with a gun,

or even my own knife... Would you get in trouble? Well, he was attacking me first. That's true. Self-defense. Self-defense. That's a sad conclusion to come to, though. Yeah, I think we've just ruined horror movies for everyone,

because it's all dumb. What about paranormal activity? Dumb. Avoid the house. Okay, yeah think we've just ruined horror movies for everyone because it's all dumb. What about paranormal activity? Dumb. Avoid the house. I get it! Yeah, that's right. They're being haunted. Get in your fucking house!

No, it's you who's being haunted. Yeah, like The Conjuring, right? They were like, this house is haunted. It's all shit's gone fucked up. Can we leave? And they're like, no, it's attached to you now.

That's kind of scary. That's a worry. Ghosts are actually the scariest in this situation. But you've got to remember... Oh, the clap clapping. You've got to remember scary. That's a worry. Ghosts are actually the scariest in this situation. Oh, the clap clapping. No thank you. The conjuring, the mother is tortured in the end, sort of.

But they all escape relatively... I guess ghosts are scary, but they're not dangerous. Godzilla is dangerous, but not scary. So either you're going to be dead and not be scared, or you're going to be scared and then be fine. So either you're going to be dead and not be scared, or you're going to be scared and then be fine. So... Either way, like at the end of

it, either it doesn't matter because you're dead, or it doesn't matter because you're okay and you've got a great story to tell. That's true. Horror movies are bullshit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like, again, if like, going back to The Conjuring, if you were your child and your mum tried to stab you...

Yeah, and then at the end of The Conjuring, the child hugs her, I'd just be very scared. Because as a child, I don't think you... Even though you've got all the adults around you saying, that ghost is real, in the back of your head it's kind of like, nah, but mum tried to kill me. Yeah, mum tried to kill me. Where's that phone? I'm going to call child services.

Huh. Well, that's ruined the entire horror genre for me. Thanks a lot, you fucks. I don't think I'll ever be able to watch a horror movie without being like, it's gonna fall into one of these two categories. So, hoops. Yep. Well, I've been Joel. I've been Joel. I've been Zoe. I've been Jackson.

Let's go watch some horror films. Yeah. Wait! Evil Dead 2. He has to cut off his own hand. He's possessed. So he lives, yes, but he's not just, like, scared. He's fucked up and went through a lot of pain. That's why I said psychological scars before.

No, but that's not a psychological scar. That's physical scars. Yeah, it's some psychological. It's a bit both. It's a chainsaw hand. It's both. Fine. I don't know if it counts. I don't know if it counts.

If I had a chainsaw hand, I'd be like, things turned out pretty well. I'm really going to take my headphones off. Fine. I don't know if it counts. I don't know if it counts. If I had to take your hand, I'd be like, things turned out pretty well. I'm really going to take my headphones off. Yeah. Sorry, Dusha. Better luck next time. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.