Plumbing the Death Star - Best Fictional Christmas Universe

Episode Date: December 21, 2015

In which our heroes get sweaty in their Christmas sweaters, leave milk and cookies out for Santa and overload on the Christmas spirit while wondering what is the best fictional Christmas universe to live in. We look at the magic powers of coats, explore the horrors of immortality, and replace Santa with Ironman. Zammit accidentally chooses the worst Christmas Universe, Duscher envisions a world that's perfect for dead-beat dads, and Jackson just wants to kill santa with a rock. So join the gang as they explore the holiday multiverse and just end up causing a lot of Christmas themed trauma. Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.Want to get some sweet geeky loot every month? Do us a favour and go to http://www.geekfuel.com/SansPants and sign up to receive your (possible) Harrison Ford today!Want to help jackson run the North Pole wrong? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make his dream your nightmare.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least a book on saving Christmas. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

San Spencer Radio Subway still hasn't paid me for its endorsements. Today's episode has been brought to you by David Bird, Jared Meyer, Dominic Minity, Minnie Dominic, Alan Vikram, Paul Brown, Catherine McKay, Adam O'Grady, and Sam Fraser. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. I had to turn the fan off to record this, so I hope you appreciate what I'm doing here. It's like 40 plus degrees, and the air con's broken,

and our landlord's all like, nah, it's not an emergency, we'll fix it sometime later, is what I'm assuming he'd say if we could get in fucking contact with him. It's been over two weeks now, and we have to go through our useless fucking real estate agent who just doesn't seem to care about this little baby boy roasting alive

because, and I can't make this up, but because we have a separate heater, it's not a dual system, which means if one isn't working and the other one is, it's fine. So it's not an emergency, and we'll get repaired when they can be bloody well bothered with it because we have a fucking working heater on a 44 goddamn degree day and it's like 111 to you americans you know it's just a long waiting period now

fuck this bullshit fucking shitty hot christmases and fucking so hot. So fucking hot. I hate it. One more thing. Today's show is sponsored by geekfuel.com. Geekfuel is a box delivered to your door every month filled with toys, comics, collectibles, and each one comes with an exclusive t-shirt. It's like a geeky gift from yourself to yourself every month, and you never know what you're going to get. It's a fun little surprise, and you like surprises, don't you? What kind of person hates surprises? Me, actually, like, fucking really hate surprises. Like, if you ever throw me a surprise birthday party, I will probably smack you in the mouth. But you know who won't smack you in the mouth? GeekFuel. Just go to geekfuel.com slash sans pants and sign up today and they'll even throw you in a special star wars bonus item what will that item be plans the death star a tube of

whatever it was they used to make jabba's gross mouth goop an actual harrison ford who knows go to geekfuel.com slash sans pants and maybe you can be a proud owner of a living breathing harrison ford hey guys and welcome to a very special christmas edition of plumbing the death star but we ask important questions like which fictional christmas universe would you like to live in it's beginning to look a lot like christmas everywhere you go Everywhere you go Take a look at the five and ten It's glistening once again With candy canes and silver lanes that glow

Home Alone. Yes! Good! Straight off the bat. Oh, I'm sold. Zammu Twins. No. Shut up. Why? Shut up why?

Shut up why? Because in Home Alone 1, you can't die. Like, you're basically like a Highlander. I think you only die of old age. Like, nothing kills you. Sure, stuff will hurt you, but you don't die. A world where pain exists, but death doesn't frightens me. Yeah, that sounds like a fresh hell.

It actually sounds like hell you're getting tortured to death you just tortured forever i just realized i've just i've made death almost meaningless because i just realized think of all the important things that have happened because we die and like in terms of human evolution like it's hey lick this frog oh he's dead don't lick that frog that's true everybody's just licking the. Like, it's, hey, lick this frog. Oh, he's dead. Don't lick that frog. That's true. Everybody's just licking the poison. Oh, my God, it's gross. Oh, my God, my heart's beating at a million miles an hour,

and, like, my eyes are spazzing out, and I'm bleeding from my mouth, but I can't escape the pain. Can you imagine being in a massive car crash? Almost every limb and bone is broken and mangled, but you're still alive. Plus, the cops are appalling for, like, if anybody catches you, if anybody tortures you. You've got no police force to look after you.

The cops in Home Alone don't even fucking... They don't even care. The mom calls up and she's like, hey, I left my son home alone. Can you check on him? The cop knocks on the door and he's like, hey, you okay in there, kid? Doesn't get a reply. He's like, ah, you okay in there, kid? Doesn't get a reply. He's like, Oh, that's crazy. Yeah.

So, a world where you're in pain. You're constantly in pain. It'd be like those... No one can help you. It'd be like those guys and gals that are born with that illness or that sort of mutation. Oh, the non-death mutation. No, no, no.

Where they can't feel pain. It's a classic one. But they can't feel any stimulus. Oh, yeah. So they put their hand in a hot bath. They just don't feel anything. And sometimes they burn themselves. But they can't feel any stimulus. Oh, yeah. So they put their hand in a hot bath and they just don't feel anything and sometimes they burn themselves and stuff

so they really need to be really careful what they do because they do a lot of damage to themselves. But, of course, they do the damage, they hurt, or they do die.

Yeah. Whereas this one is kind of the opposite. It's like you just have all that pain but you can't die. Would you get used to the pain? I guess you would.

Like, would eventually just not give a shit. Because you think about how much the wet bandits go through. They get fucked on hard. Think about, like, Would you get used to the pain? I guess you would. Like, would eventually just not give a shit. Because you think about how much the wet bandits go through. They get fucked on hard. Think about, like, the doorknob in particular. It's glowing red.

It's almost... It burns a huge, like, brand into his hand. But it could be more than that. His hand should catch on fire. Like, melt his bone. If it's, like, red hot steel. It's funny that they are all like superman because like um i think harry gets uh like a blowtorch to the skull yeah yeah and it

just cooked like just balds him up on the top so it's like that would cook his flesh yeah and maybe burn his skull and the paint can just straight to the noggin think about it brain damage in home alone 2 there's that glorious scene where Kevin McCallister is just hurling bricks at Marv. Have I got them the wrong way around? Marv's the tall one. Yeah, good. I was right then.

So he's just hurling bricks at Marv. And Marv still gets knocked out. So you've still got the sweet release of unconsciousness. Actually, wait, no, he doesn't get knocked out. He's just, like, dizzy and brain damaged. So this is a universe where... You've chosen hell. I've chosen hell.

So I'm thinking, how great would it be, you know, there's almost no risk, but there's pain. So much pain. Because pain is, like, the bigger risk than death a lot of the time. Yeah, like, you think about, you take away death from a universe or death from a world and you're kind of like, no, no, no, everyone's in trauma. Yeah, exactly. Everyone's constantly having a shit one.

Heroin. Heroin addict. That's what I've selected in store for old Zamzam is I'd be up to my eyeballs in opiates. Just being like... Constantly. Just constantly numb. Just numb. What happened?

I don't know. What happened? People are like, what's happening? I don't know. People are like, what's happening? You wouldn't even respond. Look at that one. No, he's... He's just drooling. Drooling.

Just face a smiling, drooling mess. I'm trying to think of other implications. So you've pretty much picked a trainspotting universe of choose life? Nah, choose heroin. Nah, heroin.

So that would... I'm trying to think of other... I mean, you're also forgettable. Like, in that universe, you are clearly forgettable. Yeah, that's true. Parents don't love their children. Yeah. Enough.

Parents are forgettable of their children. They don't give a shit. They're like, ah. Because there's no risk. Worst case scenario, the kid does something dumb and gets hurt. Yeah, that's true. Like, you're never going to lose the kid because he's immortal. He's just going to come back and be like ow mom and dad you left and

i stood on a glass what's fucked up is that um marv still stands on like a pointing up nail like as you remember from when we watched it like that's still like you could fill your body with rocks yeah you could just cut you open fill you with rocks and bricks and mashed potato and sew you back up and you just have to cope. You still feel it all. I guess the BDSM community would just skyrocket. They'd have a good time. There's a lot of kindly old people. That's true. That's nice.

It's so long that they're just... They welcome death. Because I'm assuming old age is still a thing in this universe. How nice would it be to die? Right? It's a little bit like reverse Highlander. Because I'm assuming old age is still a thing in this universe. Yeah, I feel like, oh man, how nice would it be to die? Right? I think it's a little bit like reverse Highlander, you know?

I think you can die of old age and maybe your head gets cut off. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure if Kevin McCallister severed Harry's head from his body, he'd die. His head wouldn't be like, ah, gee. That fucking kid. Yeah. So, as a universe, not the best. Not the best.

Maybe the worst. Maybe the worst. Like, just wow. I just realized all the problems concerning that nonsense. Yeah. Not great. No. Also, very much to be like, violence is the answer yeah that's true also

not great not like hey kevin mccallister call the cops maybe you know and he steals a lot as well because he's like true so crime rules the cops are dumb yeah it's anarchy the home alone universe is no death there's no sweet release of death a lot of pain. Crime is just everyone's doing it. It's rampant. Rampant. Because the Wet Bandits, they're like, we're striking everywhere. Yeah. And Halftime, it looks like they're not even doing it for the money.

They're just doing it for the kicks. This sounds like a really shitty punk album now. Fuck cops. They're all dumb. Can't die. Always in pain. It's the Wet Bandits. Crime rules.

Wet Bandits. If they had just been like, you know what? There's a kid in there. Fuck that house. Yeah, I know. Move on. Not go there. Wet bandits. If they had just been like, you know what, there's a kid in there. Fuck that house. Yeah, I know. Move on. Not go there. Move on.

They would have been like, they would have made out like bandits. Yeah, exactly. Wet bandits. Whoa. They would have made a lot of money. Should have just burned down the house. That's also true. Cooked Kevin McCallister.

Cooked the rat. Flame bandits. Let's just use it differently. Instead, they're like wet bandits, sticky bandits. Flame bandits and... Flame bandits. You didn't even choose a universe with like a real santa like you had all of the christmas movies and you chose the one that didn't have santa

speaking of universes that doesn't have a santa in it i picked jingle all the way the arnold schwarzenegger classic sure do that movie where arnold schwarzenegger is clearly an austrian bodybuilder but everybody treats him just like a dude. He's just like an American dad. I love in that movie that he has a kid who just speaks with a regular American accent. Nobody brings it up, but you're like, surely everybody's like, dang, Susan's just dating this giant bodybuilder

from Austria. What's that about? Now, I have not seen Jingle the Whale in a long, long time. It's a classic. I watched it recently. It probably was a wee lad when it was made for me.

In 1998? Yeah. Sure. Why have you chosen it as the universe to be? It's a universe where deadbeat dads can do nothing

and then come through for their kid and get to wear a sick suit. That's true. In the end of... Turbo Man? Yeah. It's Turbo Time.

At the end of Jingle All The Way, he does fly the Turbo Man? Yeah. Yeah. It's Turbo Time. At the end of Jingle All The Way, he does fly the Turbo Man outfit around. So this is a world with like... Does he have to keep it? Oh, who cares? He doesn't go to jails. He does it on top. And his kid's like,

it's like if you're just a piece of shit dad and then you just do one thing. Like, it's not even like he suffered. Like, he was like, I've made like a sacrifice for my kid he's like i had the sickest time and now my kid thinks i'm rad my wife probably loves me again doesn't he it's not like he went through a lot of turmoil he struggles to find the turbo he doesn't find turbo man he becomes turbo man that's the solution yeah if you can't find that toy, become that toy. It's like, damn, my kid really wants a Nintendo this year.

I can't find it. Become a Nintendo. Just get in a Nintendo suit. I like that we all made just pros. Son! I'm a Wiimote now. Papa became the Wii U. Just for you. Put Super

Mario in Daddy's mouth. Child crying. It's working. It's working. I like that the kids didn't do it. I got the best dad. See what I mean? Best dad. And dad has a good time. Makes an enemy, but that's alright. Fuck that guy. Who's the enemy in that? I mean best dad and dad has good time makes it enemy

but that's alright fuck that guy who's the enemy in that I can't remember his name oh the actor's someone relative it's not I want to say Arsenio Hall

who Arsenio Hall I thought it was like one of the guys from the Simpsons Hank Azaria yeah I don't think it's Hank Azaria

let's just say it's both Mr. Burns. No, what I love about the... It's Sinbad. Not even close. Well, we... Oh, wait. Hang on.

Sinbad's in it, but... No, I think it is Sinbad. Phil Hartman's also in it, so I was not an idiot. Oh, that's good. I'm flipping you off. The audience couldn't see that's a bird flipping sound um i was loving jingle all the way that for a parade they made a working turbo man outfit yeah that's kind of amazing and i like that in this universe they're

making a working jet pack like a working because it was just a jetpack and it can fly dude yeah exactly there's that great oh i'm just flying around screaming yeah use it for a parade like there was no need for turboman to be doing that they could have just had like a little catapult tripwire thing and whoo and nobody's like even that really impressed that's just like a basic thing in their land like what else is good about that universe what jake lloyd is the kid in it so if i wanted i could just go smack jake lloyd in the mouth no look he's had a rough time not in 1998 he hadn't he was about to give me a rough time have you seen like i've seen what he looks like yeah he's he's had a rough time guys look it's not his fault he's just he was a kid he didn't even know.

He had no idea. Do you know who has no excuse for hating Christensen? And Christensen, come the fuck on. He was just a kid. He had no idea. He was only 19. I love how Ewan McGregor's like, yeah, I'm sorry. Ewan McGregor's like, I gave it my best shot. And everyone's like, good on you, Ewan.

He's like, I grew up being what you did. Ewan, you gave it your fucking all. And big ups for that. Trying to think of other benefits of the Jingle All The Way universe. Well, if the suit is designed to do that kind of thing. It's kind of like living in a world where they're like, hey, there's an Iron Man toy, and then you go to the shop, and then there's like, hey, put this suit on,

and then you are Iron Man for a bit. But not just for a bit. Clearly if it works and it works well, you could maybe buy that? Here's a hot theory. Sinbad? He's just a mailman. Arnold Schwarzenegger is an

Austrian bodybuilder. Just crush him alive, Arnold. They have so many fights. But that means that if you're a piece of shit, you can still compete with giant men. There's lots of benefits in this universe. Exactly, so if you're... You should just

throw this water bottle into our birdhouse that happens to be in the room. We're recording in the study of my house after you joined us a few weeks ago, or last week. I've lost track of time. We're recording in my backyard. We're currently in my study. We're after you joined us a few weeks ago or last week i've lost track of time where we're recording my backyard uh we're currently in my study we're just moving through douches yeah yeah we're getting closer to my bedroom um which is my end goal i get to

record whilst in bed uh and yeah there's a dollhouse that i think is my sister's and there's holes in it for some reason and now there's a water bottle in one of them birdhouse it is mysterious looks like a birdhouse man It is mysterious. It looks like a birdhouse, man. It's a dollhouse. Definitely a dollhouse. With giant circular holes everywhere. I think it's so that you can put your hands into play with the dolls. Ah, sick.

Not my hands. Giant grown-up man hands. Here's my theory about the Jingle All The Way universe. I reckon Turboman's a real guy. Cool. Yeah. I reckon that in the Jingle All The Way universe, Turboman is like an Iron Man.

Like, he's a superhero. And that the armor that Arnold Schwarzenegger gets in, it's not like, oh, they built one for the parade. No, the actual Turboman was meant to turn up. No, because it's a bit shit.

Maybe he's not a great superhero. No, because like, because when Arnold's flying, he's like, and there's like sparks and shit flying from his feet It's not real smooth But I don't think it was finished In fact I kind of remember somebody saying that

When he gets in Also was it designed for a person of Arnie's build? Yeah exactly Arnold Schwarzenegger has a huge Austrian bodybuilder body Especially in the 90s He was fucked So the actual turbo man was just like a, like a tiny,

tiny dude. Yeah, like, maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger just got in and broke it. And that's why, just, I'm guessing,

I can't remember why he gets in the suit. Because his son is like, hanging off a building or some shit. Hmm. Why? Because he's trying to iron,

I don't know. I don't fucking know. He's trying to be Iron Man and just be like, From memory, the evil mailman kidnapped his son? I think he does. Are you confusing it with the opening scene of Last Action Hero?

I've never seen Last Action Hero. It's a great film. Can we talk about that for a moment? Yes. Great film. It's the worst that it got critically panned because people were like, who's the audience for? The audience is now. In 2015, if you watch that film, it's magnificent.

It is just a fucking hot delight. Yeah, the problem with the film for someone who hasn't seen it is that there's really like childish elements of it. The movie has quite a bit of swearing and violence. It's one of those movies that's perfectly crafted for a 14 year old. Yeah, I dig.

But then there's also really clever stuff where it's like 14 year olds. It's perfectly crafted for a a 14 year old yeah i dig i dig but then there's also like really clever stuff where it's like 14 year olds crafted for like a 28 year old yeah exactly like in 2015 to watch and be like it was like that yeah yes yes you've nailed correct times no it's just a really and it was a mess to make and they were expected to be like the biggest film of the year and a bomb but it was phenomenal anyway arnold schwarzenegger's character's son gets thrown off a roof at the start of the film well see because i think here's what i remember the mailman is super mad that fucking arnie schwartzy got um the jingle the he got the jingle all the way he jingled all the way he jingled to the end no he got the turbo man and so he's like mad at the his son so he takes him to the end. No, he got the Turbo Man, and so he's mad at his son,

so he takes him to the other building, and from memory, Arnie flies up and lands, and he's like, yes, I'm Turbo Man, and his kid's super jazzed about the whole situation. And he's like, I'm sorry, I couldn't get you a Turbo Man. Turbo Man is me. I couldn't get you a Turbo Man figure, but I am the Turbo Man. Because if you replace Turbo Man with iron man in that situation

makes sense it like checks out like oh the kid like the avengers happened so i think it's funny again asides here we are um that avengers happens right like i mean the events of the movie avengers and then um afterwards there's merchandise of all of the avengers yes but the avengers wasn't like a tv show the avengers't like a TV show. The Avengers was like a real world event. So that's like, if they were like, Hey,

um, do you want to know one of the soldiers that killed, uh, some of them? Here he is. It's a toy. Hooray. They have them.

You can get of those lads. I think so. Really? I don't want to commit to this, but I, I think you definitely can or at least you get like US Marine I know you can get US Marine guys

but not specifically the little dog that has the titanium jaws and shit that's awesome toys, that's like how there was Robocop toys when I was a kid, don't give your kid Robocop toys, he shoots a man in the dick have you ever, you haven't have you read the Watchmen

as in, like the, Watchmen Watchmen, as in the thing It's a man in a dick Have you ever You haven't Have you read The Watchman? As in Like the Watchman Watchman Watchman Watchman As in the thing You've Yes You know what

I'm not even gonna Yes Yes I'm not even gonna get into that Yes I have read it Jack you haven't Have you?

No I've never read it I've got like three copies Would you like one? Yeah why not Merry Christmas buddy It's in my car Shit I'll take one as well Merry Christmas to the two of us

You said you had three Yeah I do but Two of them are expensive So? The other one's real beat up Because I've read it heaps Merry Christmas, buddy. It's in my car. Shit, I'll take one as well. Merry Christmas to the two of us. No, I'm only giving away three. Yeah, I do, but two of them are expensive. The other one's real beat up because of Reddit heaps. Winner! It's in my car. So actually, the last time someone got in my car, they're like, why is Watchmen in your car? That was me.

It was you, because it's behind the driver's seat. Just in case you want to stop and have a read. Just in case you want a real quick read of Watchmen. Fuck, it's so good. Anyway, so my point being we have in the watchman universe they actually have superheroes dr manhattan is a fixture of the universe yeah uh of that reality so comic books don't have a golden age of actual superheroes like they don't have a they don't have a superman or a thought yeah that kind of stuff because in

the in the real world they already have them so pirate comics become like the fad the thing that people care about so in a universe where there is an Iron Man or an Avengers

really the merch shouldn't be about the Avengers because you know those are just like a part of world but then in the Avengers universe there's Avengers figurines

exactly that's what I'm saying that's weird that is weird especially because they flattened New York. Yeah, like those are... That's like having

terrorist action figures. That's what I was saying. Like, those are... Like, for the majority of people who saw that, they were just part of the mess. So, like, when you get an action...

Like, someone's like, I got you an Iron Man figure and you're like, he destroyed, like, my house. Yeah, but think of it... A Tony Stark figurine, I'd be like,

Mum, this is boring. This is her man he's on TV now and now I'm throwing it at the TV because I hate you mum mum buy me better presents buy me a turbo man

get me a pirate ship but you're right but it's very strange because in the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. episode one I think yeah there is like

there's figurines of the there is an episode one I remember that's bizarre and I only saw half of it, and then left. Smart choices. Left.

Like, walked out of my own house. I'm done with this. Like, I need to go for a good long walk. So I forget everything I saw, but I didn't walk long enough, because I still remember the opening scene. So, yeah, it's very odd that they would have action figures. In Watchmen, they have Watchmen action figures as well, but Nidale looks at them and he's like, that's weird.

Except in the movie where he looks at them and he's like, huh, I'm chuffed. But in the book he's like, eh, gross. Yeah, true. So I guess they would be... If Turboman is a superhero, though. Yes. Back to Turboman. Oh, good.

Watchmen, jingle all the way, this is my favourite episode yet. He's not a great one, clearly, because he's attending a parade in a small town like it's like he was like town no i'm gonna say it's similar to mall santa's in universes where santa exists okay so there is a real turbo man but this is just a lesser turbo man who gives messages from kids to the real Turbo Man. This is your moral Turbo Man. Yeah. It's shitty small town parade Turbo Man. With like sparky flying boots. So like if your kid's like, I know, I figured it out.

And you're like, oh shit, my kid knows Turbo Man's not real. He's like, this Turbo Man works for the other Turbo Man. You're like, thank God, yes. No, because Turbo Man is real. Yeah, but as an adult in universes like that You always just assume that Santa or Turboman's not real And then your kids just get gifts anyway I want to live in a world where Turboman just has taken the place

You're like, Turboman Oh, what's the sound? Is that the sound of Turboman's rocket boots landing on the roof? Oh! Leave out a glass of cola Also, good for the real Turbo Man To have all these decoy Turbo Mans Or his villains to fight, attack and kill

There is a villain in it And I think that's what the mailman jumps into But the suit Oh yeah, that's right But I don't remember for the life of me What the villain looks like Do sure Quickly save the day

Get this done The plumbing boys vaguely remember Jingle All the Way. Have I remembered it wrong? That would be funny. Also, in that film, correct me again if I'm wrong, Arnold Schwarzenegger punches a reindeer in the mouth. Like an actual reindeer? Yeah.

Like, it's like a puppet, or like animatronic. They wouldn't. Even in the 90s. You got me excited. Like an actual reindeer. He's just like shitting on his lord and he's just had enough. It's like... It's like a reindeer.

Imagine like the shocked film audience just being like... What the fuck? Imagine the shocked face of the reindeer. Just being like... Galloping off. Well, according to the villain's wiki, which apparently is a thing that exists,

Dementor is Turbo Man's arch nemesis and the main villain of the fictional show Turbo Man. He only appears in the Christmas

themed film Jingle All The Way. Fun fact. Thank you, villain wiki. Well, of course. I felt like he only appears in the holiday film jingle all the way,

and Spider-Man 2. He looks a little... Amazing Spider-Man. Yeah, amazing Spider-Man 2. He looks kind of like someone out of Mystery Man. Show it to us. Like the guy in Mystery Man that has a diamond. Oh, he's got a dumb helmet.

And, yes, Sinbad does wear the Dementor outfit. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. Oh, he's got a dumb helmet. And yeah, Sinbad does wear the Dementor outfit. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. Oh, yes, he does. Good. What happened to Sinbad? He died? He died?

Didn't he appear in an episode of Always Funny? Sick. Sick. When Dennis is like, goes into like a crack den. Oh, yeah, Sinbad's there. Yeah, yeah, he does. Sinbad's getting work,

and that makes me happy. Sinbad bad no actually that but that but that throws in good hey good that throws my theory out in you know in the fucking episode of comedy bang bang this year good which is one of my favorite things also he plays mr smiley on steven Oh, what do you know? He was also in Planes. Anyway. Great. Just in general, when you're in a plane, Sinbad will be there.

You just say hi, he'll be like, thank you, thank you for noticing me. Did he ever play Genie? Why do I associate his name with Genie? Kazam? Is it Kazam? The movie Kazam?

Sick! Was that Sinbad or was that Shaq? I think that's Shaq. Oh no, I can remember both of them. Give me a second. There was a Shaq in a Genie film. Why are there no Genies? There was like a period in the 90s of about

five years where we just... African American magic. Yeah, like it happened. That was a weird time for us. It was kind of like white America apologizing and being like, is this good? Is this working? Is this like saying sorry for the whole, African American, for the whole state?

America, like, no, you, no, you misinterpreted it. Try again. Shaq is Kazams.

Alright. What was Sinbad? Wasn't he a, cause Sinbad sounds, He was on American Dad for an episode as a ghost. Sinbad sounds like a genie name. It does, it does.

Maybe that's why. holy, isn't, isn't Sinbadbad Sinbad's a fucking sailor In the like Adventure of Sinbad Cause that's where the name comes from He's like a He's like a mythical sailor

Yeah And he Maybe fights a genie Cause Sinbad Cause if you're like Hi I'm a genie Like hi genie What's your name

Like Sinbad I'm like cool It would make sense If a genie's like Steve You're gonna be like Fuck off Steve Fuck off You're not a genie

he's gonna be like i got the wiggly tail i got i'm shirtless but i got no nipples i'm like pure genie you'd be like no no i know genie named steve well all right we've gotten far enough away from jingle all the way that i i think i'm i'm ready to jump in um tim allen's the santa clause good you want to live in a universe where you can murder and only get positive consequences? Yes! Of mythical beings, presumably. Is it of mythical or, say for example, you're walking down the street,

I come behind you with a snow shovel, cold clock you in the back of the neck, and just wear your jacket, now I become you? No, I don't think that's the case, because Tim Allen is too shocked when he kills Santa. Like, he feels bad, where if he could just kill people and become them, it would happen all the time. But I reckon he could probably kill the president and become the president.

I feel like it's anybody who has enough gravitas. I reckon in that universe, the dude, what's his name, the guy that assassinated JFK, he was president for a bit. Yeah. No, because you've got to wear the, if he assassinated his president, and then put the suit on, yes, Lee Harvey Oswald would have become the on yes why does Tim Allen put on the suit?

he just does that's a movie I love and they never really explain it so he's like Santa, Santa oh god you're dead Santa's like oh shit but Santa gives this like

before Santa dies in that movie he gives this look like thank god he's just like good and then he dies no there is I mean that's great like don't get And he dies. No, there is, I mean, that's great.

Like, don't get me wrong. I can kill Santa. That's awesome. But when I become Santa, like the havoc I can wreak. Then someone will kill you. You'll be assassinated. No, but Tim Allen's not like, oh, Santa's on the roof. Sick.

Nobody believes in Santa. I kill Santa. But I reckon if you create havoc as Santa, people would be like. What kind of havoc, though? Well, I get, like, Santa powers. That's pretty good. So you always have a beard and fat? Fat, beard, love cookies.

Oh, God. I'm on the way! Santa can break into anyone's house. Yes. He does this weird thing where his, like, big sack inflates and he, like, goes down the chimney. Yeah, yeah.

I can break into anyone's house, steal whatever I want. I got a sick pad at the North Pole. A lot of elves to do my bidding. You've got a wife now. And I have to get a wife or I die. Yeah, that's right. What happens if you just don't deliver presents? Do you also die?

What if you're like, fuck it. No, I'm not doing it. Well, I don't know. Like, what could happen? What can the elves do? They're little. They could kill you. They're so small.

They could kill you. They'll swarm you. Swarm me, stab me to death with candy canes. Well, think about it. What else do you have to do? I deliver presents with other than that. Or like two days a year or whatever. As long as they don't have a shit son

like Tim Allen does. I don't care. I'm just going to live in the North Pole. Deal with it. I'm going to kick it with my homies. My elves and my reindeer. Yeah, exactly. He gets, like... And my wife. He gets, like, a whole team that he gets to tell what to do. He gets to, like...

It's just like if you killed the CEO of a company, and they were like, company's yours. Do what you fucking like, mate. So, with the whole having to find a wife as well... Yeah, the Mrs. Claus. Mrs. Claus. Could he be like, alright, need to find a wife, need to find a wife... Need to find a wife. Need to find a wife.

Need to find a rifle. Need to find a rifle. Don't want to be sent no more. That's better than being married. Am I right, fellas? The old Baldwin chain. That was frightening. Nightmares right there.

Not like that. By the way, it's a hell of a hassle, isn't it, for him? He's got gotta be like Oh he's gotta find Like the perfect woman And he's getting thin again And he hates it That's the worst

Like to be You have to You have to marry The perfect woman Look at you Ah It's not happening You're fat and beardy

But does it have to be The perfect woman Or can he just put like I don't know Craigslist Like yo Want to be Mrs. claws m m for mc you needed a fucking master ceremony

no i'm looking for a mrs claws i thought it'd be clear oh no because it just you said i thought this was like a no and then afterwards i'd blow you is that m for mc m for man for male cholo man for sc for m uh no sc for mc was what it should be people just like the line of mrs clauses but he's super fucking i hate like tim allen me too i love tim allen he's amazing wild did you know there was a period of time where Tim Allen had the number one best-selling movie in America? The number one best-selling book and the number one best-selling TV show? There was a year where that was happening to Tim Allen. Tim Allen.

What a champ. Hero. Who? No, I'm just doing a Goron noise. I meant it to be like... I miss when he was in jail for cocaine. We all do. Why do people just forget about celebrity crimes?

Because they're better than us, Tusha. They're celebrities. Hey, Sandspans fans, if I commit a crime, forget about it. I already have. I already have. Plus, the elves and shit in the Tim Allens, the Santa Claus, all have technology we don't know. They have jetpacks.

They can make you break into a house. Yeah. Think about how good that would be for, say, house fires, evacuating people. Well, if you want to do good with it, sure. Jax, I reckon you're going to do too bad. Someone's going to catch on. Who? The Santa police? The government?

The government? Santa police? The government? The government? It's the straightest fucking face. Not even a smile. The government. But do the government believe in Santa? No, nobody does.

Santa fucking drops presents under their trees, and everyone's like, yeah, sick. So that means you live in a universe where the general public the general public believe that presents are naturally occurring exactly good yeah good fuck yes good what happened did i buy you an xbox yeah i did great plug it in and it's weird because that's how he proves he's santa to people like an idiot but he's like what do you mean well in the film because um tim Allen's like, I'm Santa. Yeah. And they're like, no, you're not.

You're a crazy man. Get away from my child. And he's like, okay. And then everybody tells him the present they never got and that's why they hate Christmas and then he gets them the present they never got. So does that mean

that the previous Santa had just been like running out on his duties to be like, fuck this. That's really interesting, actually, because it makes you wonder what was happening

in that period of Santa history for just no one to get their presents. Because if everyone's been like, we didn't get any presents when I was, I prayed for, like, Santa, or whatever. I prayed to Santa. Please, Santa. Dear Santa, oh Lord Santa, give me a new present. Our Santa who art in the North Pole. So does that mean that that Santa was just a shit Santa?

Yeah, or, like, just didn't do his job. Was that Santa me? People will be like, I've actually lost presents this Christmas. Like, the milk and cookies, they were there, but all the cheese in our fridge kept getting etched. Here's what I'd do if I got Santa powers.

So, I kill Santa. I hear Santa coming, I wait outside a child's house That's a good Santa Jack I hear the Jingle bells Does Santa only give to kids? How old are you when you stop getting presents?

18? 21? 25? What's the legalities? What's the legalities of a Santa Claus? 16? Well I'll find that out when I get to the North Pole. Alright. Till then, I wait... Can you murder a man and have that on your conscience?

Yes. It's not a stress. He's not a man, he's Santa Claus. He's a Santa, it's different. It's different. Anyway, he's like... You walk on the roof... They are meant to be killed because...

Throw a rock... If they weren't meant to be killed, you wouldn't be able to steal their powers. Yeah, exactly. It's in place for that very purpose. Because Santas are immortal and so they need an end game. Or, unlike fucking Home Alone, they welcome death. Exactly.

Maybe they've like, you know, jumped over from the Home Alone universe being like, I need to die. I'll just hassle people's roofs in precarious costumes until I trip and fall. Why is Tim Allen out so late? It's a whole...

Watch the goddamn movie, Dusha. I don't have time. It's because his kid hears Santa and he's like, Dad, Dad, Santa's here. Tim Allen's like, Shut the fuck up. And he goes outside to be like...

And he sees him and he thinks it's just like a homeless lad. And he's like, Oh, mate, get off my roof. And then he falls and dies. Whereas I'd throw a rock and just knock him down so yes so you're you've you've rocked rock santa's world of raining him dead if he's not quite dead yet i have to get the rock and just smack him a couple

more times i put on the coat yeah then i'm like so in the movie first off do you know that this happens Like, so in the movie... First off, do you know that this happens? Because Tim Allen does it. I'm just like... Just like, waiting outside somebody's house. Other reasons. See Santa. I'm like, I'm going to get that fuck with a rock. What's that guy's coat?

I'm going to murder this man for that coat. A homeless man break into that coat and he's got the sickest coat so Tim Allen when he puts on that coat he just does and then he also just gets in the sleigh so I suppose I just do them as well maybe it's got like

sorry I'm gone maybe it has like it would have to have maybe some like magical allure yeah like as in like once Santa died he was just like, wait! What?

So Santa dies. Yeah. Doesn't the curtain just appear on him? Does the curtain just appear on him? No, he puts it on. Second of all, that's Christmas Eve. Yeah. Who delivers presents for the rest of that night?

I guess half the world doesn't get me. I guess Santa delivers presents up till then so that's someone spending years turning into Santa but he hasn't been delivering presents because people have been like

I didn't get my present when I was a kid that was just a shit con Santa that was a very I'm so confused by this universe now the more I think about it

because half the world doesn't get their presents because Santa died yeah but the other half hadn't been getting them anyway because Santa's a shit gun Exactly

Santa's just like Nah Nah Nah fuck it I'm gonna feed my reindeer So then I arrive in the North Pole Just whatever I just jumped in the sleigh

They're like what happened to Santa You like brained him Got him Got him good They're like oh Where are your elves And I'm like fired Fired

Murdered your boss We're hiring you You're all fired Get out And. Murdered your boss, we're firing you. You're all fired, get out. And they're like, this is all we know. I'm like, I don't care. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Send them out into the icy cold, and then I just get a sick pad, I get to grow fat,

I get to survive on nothing but cookies and milk, I get super jolly, which is nice. Find a wife. Which is handy that's very nice find a wife which is handy considering you've just murdered a person and then sent out

multiple people to their death maybe that's the part of the Santa Claus how he copes with having murdered a man is that it kind of gives off a pheromone

to make you feel like nah it's cool well I feel like that Tim Allen can probably rest easy knowing that he it was an accidental death at worst he's getting

pinned for manslaughter I did it on purpose and in fact from, in the film, when Tim Allen arrives at the North Pole, they're like, yo, hey, how you doing? So you're going to be Santa, okay? But we'll give you, you know, until the end of this year to sort it all out.

And then they fuck him off back to Earth or whatever. So then I'd get sent back. Because the North Pole is in space. Yeah, there's Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, North Pole, Jupiter. The Sun. Pluto. In the middle. Of the Sun.

But then, I'd go home, I'd be like, hey, guess what? Plumbing boys. Jackson Bailey's got a sick new pad. You just gotta wait a year. What if I then be like, yeah, then i brained you i'd be like oh sweet hubris then there'd be two i wear your jacket

dushan might brain me no i'm fine dushan's just be like i don't want the responsibilities of being santa santa no santa it's all the same. Also, I think, yeah, then if I send all the elves to their death, nobody's there to tell me that I need to find a wife

or die. True. Then you're gonna die. Wifeless. No one's gonna marry the psychotic fucking Santa Claus. Oh yeah,

I think that'll be alright. Plus I can sell the jetpacks and shit. You can't make them again so you can sell like... How do you get out of being Santa there? I die. Kill myself. Good end goal? Solid?

When I'm sick of it, I just go up onto someone's roof. I pretend that they spooked me. Leap off to my death. And then Tim Allen picks up my coat. That's the plot of the Santa Claus. I'm on the roof, Tim Allen's like hey and I'm like sick oh no

you murdered me you killed me Tim Allen put on my jacket put on my jacket put it on the elves are out in the snow go find them I'll have their last.

Oops. Don't find a wife. There. And then I disappear into Christmas magic. That's good. That's a good life. And that's why I choose the sand. My word.

I won that one, right? I came in a solid second. I picked worst. You don't even come third, you came fourth. Because this world is a better world than your world. Yeah, that's true. Hamelin is a terrible, terrible world. You never go there. Yep.

Void. Well, on that note, SansPants listeners, have a lovely Christmas or holidays or whatever you want me to say. Drink all the fucking eggnog you want. Or alcohol. Or just drink vodka. Have some vodka cruises, mate.

Put some vodka in some eggnog mate put some vodka into my eggnog put some vodka in your shoe live the life celebrate Christmas how you know that I would poorly

make bad life decisions and Joel Dusha's story wait outside till it's Santa's coming knock him off with a rock brain him

brain him live the life that's my advice to you this Christmas and on that note I've been Joel Dusha. I've been Jackson Bailey, the new Santa. I've been Joel L. Zammett. In hell.

In hell. Joel L. in hell. There you go. Fresh hell. So we'll be back next week, because I'm like every other podcast, we never take a break. Never. Except for Movie Maintenance, which is taking a break. So you guys have a

wonderful Christmas and we'll be back here same time next week. New topic. Same faces. Not a bad topic. Or maybe a bad

topic. Ah fuck. Anyway yeah not sick have a good Christmas bye. Scott Calvin that was Tim Allen's name in his articles.

I've been trying to think about it the whole fucking time. Scott Calvin. Cause he says, cause there's a bit where like a girl sees him creeping through giving presents, like a little girl. And she's like Santa Claus.

And he's like Scott Calvin. And that's the best. Merry Christmas. Sure. It's Christmas. Once. Sure it's Christmas once more.