Plumbing the Death Star - Cars What?!

Episode Date: October 30, 2016

In which our heroes rev their engines, lick their lips, and melt their brains in confusion and fear as we ask Cars! What? We try to explain cars as bugs, attempt to explain the Car Pope, and try to comprehend the logistics of hollowing out a plane. Zammit goes into too much detail about Car Hitler, Jackson thinks cars bone like wolves, and Duscher just doesn’t want anyone to worry. So go to the infosphere to get your career, milk a tractor for its mystery milk, and grow a baby car in your trunk. Its a confusing, terrifying world, and we come to basically no conclusions. Help.Want to help us get to the bottom of this? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can start working on a plausible theory today.In Melbourne and want to see the Plumbing Boys live? You can purchase your tickets right here https://www.trybooking.com/NIPH.And don’t forget to check out our Super Gym Friends and Dinosaur Park: The 1986 Tabletop RPG on iTunes today! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Where to begin? What is a car? Well, Jackson, a car is an automobile. Not of that kind. Why have they got mouths and a tongue? Sentient. What do they eat? Are they made of metal? I don't know.

Or is it like flesh that looks like metal? Is it like a carapace? Are they an insect? Their tyres can move independently. Yeah, they can crawl on their tires. So along with the ability to drive, they can also kind of crawl. All right. So I'm assuming that they're...

Why do they need to crawl if they can drive? To sneak. Got you good, Dickhead. But the engine would still be running. No, they can quiet it. They can take it down. They're a hybrid. And then they do a little crawl to sneak around the bad guys.

You drive a hybrid, Zammett. Does your car sneak? Sometimes. Oh, that's good. Gotta get around the bad guys. My car is broken. It makes lots of noises at the moment. And then I lose it sometimes. You don't know where your car is. Yeah, I park my car, then I leave it, and then I'm like, where'd I park my car? And then I spend like two hours

wandering around. Okay, first question I have. First what? First question I have like two hours wandering around. Yeah. Okay, first question I have. First what? What what? First question I have, because then color other questions. Are there windows? Yes. But as in like, do you see through those windows? In fact, those windows are just entirely blank.

I've got a picture of Lightning McQueen here. Yeah. The protagonist race car, Ka-chow. And yeah, you can look and he's got windows on the side of his head. Yeah. But they're just white. You can't see inside. And the windshield is just eyeballs.

So I would say that they're not windows at all, okay? So they're not windows. What do you think they are? So we've got, like, the eyes are where his eyes are. There is his, like, eye sockets or whatever. That's his, like, the front, what we would consider the windscreen. So in the back, there would have to be his head. That's where his brain would have to be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's got like a mouth and a tongue. So that's where the front, where the engine would be. Yeah, where the grill would be. So I'm guessing his heart would sort of be where our nose, like sinus would be, right? So that's that. His exhaust is just a butthole.

Yeah, I figured the exhaust was a butthole. That's too easy. But cars don't poop, they fart. That's how they get rid of their excess nastiness. So are they eating? They have oil. Well, that's the thing. Okay, so they're consuming oil and then they're getting rid of vapor.

But if they're consuming oil, why do they have mouths? What's the mouth for? To talk. Talking. Talking, of course. So that is the evolution of a car Until we got involved And it wasn't made

Was like No mouths for ages When there were cave cars Yeah And then when they started To evolve the need For a complex society Mouths grew

Well yeah I mean How do you get oil? You grind up dinosaurs Yes Over millions of years Oh man They're gonna have

Like a food shortage Yeah that's true They're gonna run out of oil It's not a renewable resource Idiots That's sad Yes. Over millions of years. Oh, man, they're going to have a food shortage. Yeah, that's true. They're going to run out of oil. It's not a renewable resource, idiots. That's sad. Although sometimes in the Cars universe, they use a biofuel.

Is that still dinosaurs? Doucher? Sorry, I've been very quiet because I've just been looking at pictures of cars. Not Pixar cars, just cars. Just basic cars. Do biofuels come from dinosaurs? Hard to say I don't think there's any way of us ever knowing

One of those mysteries Okay, do they get their tires replaced? Yes Okay, so the tires are not part of them Okay They can sneak with the tires, remember? Yeah, I know So they move like hands and feet

The axle Think of a gross T-Rex, right? I'm there And so then they've just put like arm extenders on it and that's how they get around. So if you look like a baby car, it would just be axles. It would just be axles, it wouldn't have tires. Tires are like big, thick gloves.

Yes. Yes, except that axles, the axles are just like little knobs that don't move where the tires can like pinch almost. Bullshit. Well, maybe it's like the central nervous system of the cars hooks into the tires so that they can manipulate. Like prosthetics.

It's like a bionic hand. There you go, solve the riddle. You said it's like a butt on a can. Is that what you said? It's like a butt on a can? No, it's like a bionic hand. Oh! No, it's like a butt on a can riddle solve.

No, no, it's not riddle created. Like a bionic hand. Like a bionic hand. So we've all, maybe initially, maybe like the cave cars, they had like some primitive like fleshy wheel. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So in the Cars one, the founder of Radiator Springs is like an old-timey car, which has like big, like no ax.

I'll find your picture. So it's like an old timey, like 1920s car, which means that older cars were older models, which means were there cave cars? Were the cave cars Flintstones cars? That's just feet. Radiator Springs founder. All right. So what I'm trying to get at is

They're an insect You can see through the founder's face Oh damn Wait what are you talking about Oh wait I'm looking at a statue of him I would argue You can see through his eyes Oh that's not good

I was going to say before that information I would say that these are like an insect Slash mammal hybrid We've got sort of like the The mammal parts and everything for that information, I would say that these are like an insect slash mammal hybrid. Okay. We've got sort of like the mammal parts and everything, like the eyes, the tongue, the mouth, all that kind of stuff, the anomaly. But we've got like an outer shell carapace.

Okay. I can kind of dig that. Or like an armadillo. Yeah. So you've got like a thick chitin instead of skin or metal, which contains the organs and then all the outside bits are like kind of buggy and therefore swappable

I guess Wait, therefore swappable because they're buggy? I just said yes, bugs don't do that Some bugs Not all bugs Hashtag not all bugs I guess that solves that somewhat Alright

So cars are bugs, done Cars are bugs, next question Hashtag not all bugs. I guess that solves that somewhat. All right. Except... So cars are bugs. Done. Cars are bugs. Next question. Except a car's skin can move. Because if you think about its mouth, that talks, which moves all the metal around it. Plus it has teeth and a tongue.

So more like an armadillo. More like an armadillo, I guess. Yeah. Can a car change its shell? So, like, you can take the tyres off What else can you take off? I'm fairly sure Lightning McQueen gets shit removed and put on all the time For different races

Or is it just tyres? Also A little Liguini or whatever his name is The little forklift guy Mater? Not mater The forklift

Yeah the forklift guy Yeah His whole deal is that he replaces the tires of other cars. That's his job. Yeah. He's a doctor. Yeah, but he's designed, he's been built for it. There is death in the Cars universe.

You can die. The founder of Radiator Springs is dead. And Doc Hudson dies between films. And Bruce Campbell dies in Cars 2. Yeah, people die left and right. They explode, yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

I wish people were like that. Although, what's super weird is that Doc Hudson, he's fine at the end of Cars 1. The actor dies, so then he's dead. What happened to him? Like, did he get sick? Did he get sick and die? Maybe he just crashed. That's sad.

That's like an old man just stumbling off a cliff and you're like, yeah. His mind is gone. Well, they've got a brain. That means that they're susceptible to maybe some brain diseases like Alzheimer's. You don't want a car with Alzheimer's. Do cars have brains? Do cars have Alzheimer's? Are there motorbike cars?

It moves and it thinks. Yeah, it moves and it thinks. But there's planes and helicopters. Well, there's everything everything There's fucking cranes Boats Guys Cars what Not boats what

Same universe mate Same universe Alive boats and cars Yeah cause there's cars We're still on one Cars Cars 2 We're still on the first one

We've got so many what's to go Cars Cars 2 That's alright They're just cars But then you've got planes Then you've got planes fire and rescue Yep

Then you've got the little car stories're just cars. Then you've got planes. Then you've got planes fire and rescue. Then you've got the little car stories or whatever the fuck. Then you've got Mike's new car. Shut the fuck up. That's a Pixar film and as people have stated, it's United Universe Theory or whatever, so that car should also be able to talk. I guess.

That's not how it works. Isn't it? No. What is a car? Let's figure out what a car is. I'll give you my theory of what a car talk. I guess. No. That's not how it works. Isn't it? No. Okay, so let's figure out what a car is. I'll give you my theory of what a car is. I always thought, after Cars 2, and in Cars 2 there's a scene with a crane on like an oil rig. Yep. And that blew my fucking brain off because I was like...

I remember. I was like, yeah, I came in. Yes. And I had a lot of feet. And also you just had no top of your head, because your brain was fucking blown right off. Whoa, where'd it go? It's out. It's in space.

You look like, you know, the Candy Warheads. Yeah. You look like the main dude on that. Or like a broken Pez. No. So this crane, he lives in a fucking... Yeah. Oil rig.

Oil derrick or whatever. Oil rig. Derrick. What? Oil rig. Oil rig. So how the fuck did he An oil derrick's out in the desert Fuck you guys

How did that crane get on the oil rig Was he shipped there because he was connected to the rig Or was he Created on that rig to forever live on that rig And as we've shown All the cars and all the planes have thoughts and feelings and emotions So is that guy just in prison First question How is a new car All the cars and all the planes have thoughts and feelings and emotions. So is that guy just in prison?

Can, first question. Yes. Do they get, how is a new car are born? Well, here's my hot slippery theory. Yes. So I was like, how's this guy, how's this crane here? What's he doing here? And then it occurred to me, I'm like, imagine this.

So instead of cars being individual things, they're like an AI. Okay. Instead of cars being individual things, they're like an AI, okay? And there's some big fucking mass AI brain out there somewhere in the cars world. All right. Sure. And you are just an AI until your career is decided, and then you're popped into a car to live that career in the cars world. So this guy, maybe he's living as a crane on an oil derrick break for like six months like you know people are like i'll go work on a on a oil rig for six months make some money come back so he's

like maybe he before that he's just like a little fucking toyota and he goes up to the job robots and he's like look i'd like to be an oil i'm just gonna make some money they whoop take his ai up whoop put it in the the crane but being but a bitch is we're good so basically what you're trying to say is that the cars world is kind of like a matrix that we're all on board with like if you were like right now Joel Zammett you're like you know what I want to be a doctor

and they're like that's fine we'll take your brain out of your head and put it in a doctor's head rather than putting brains out let's use the I reckon more phenomenal film Surrogate okay good reference with bruce willis yeah i was gonna say will smith but i meant bruce willis so will smith so we all got avatars yeah yeah so we're all just sitting out in our home plugged into our avatar machine and then we get like a younger version of ourselves with hair but instead of a younger

version of ourselves with hair it's a car yeah i Yeah, I guess. Side note, I like that Bruce Willis just for a bit was like, I'll do this movie if you give me hair. That was like his fucking, his only, what do you call it? Fucking ride or whatever. It's just like hair. Claws, he's claws. Santa claws, yes. I mean, effectively, that's what I'm,

I never imagined they were people. I just sort of imagined it was like. It could be. Like if you're thinking something happened and then there was just some sort of, like, we all just uploaded ourselves into some kind of AI. Yeah. Kind of like that Doctor Who episode in the library

where we all get beamed to, like... Silence in the library. That's the one. All the people just get beamed somewhere. And so what if that, and then the computer's like, you know, be good. Car people. Car people.

And then somehow manufactured cars, and then just everyone went back in the cars everyone's like hang on but it doesn't seem like any of the cars are aware that they were once people or are still people very true so i just think it's kind of like explain death then well that's just like far corruption i was gonna say you just fucked up your host body like so if i'm like an AI in the AI fucking education sphere, like the cloud, and I'm learning how to be a doctor,

and they're like, Jackson, you're in an ambulance. You're like, yes, Matt. I'm like, Matt, gonna go fucking sort some car medicine problems. And then whilst I'm driving my ambulance, I fucking crash in the river and die. I'd probably just beam back to the fucking infosphere and they'll be like, you fucked that one up.

But then why are they sad that Doug Hudson's dead? They're just being beamed up back up. Because I reckon once you hop into a car, you forget. So it's like reincarnation. Yeah, but reincarnation. Maybe that was the original title of the film and they're like, that's too long.

We don't want to push it down this point. What was that Robin Williams one about? Patch patch adams no the one where he goes to heaven jumanji no what dreams may come or some shit yeah jumanji is my heaven like what what dreams may come yeah that's one which is like oh best representation of heaven in a film in a scene beautiful so when they get reincarnated they figure their memories yeah the whole idea is so so is it that? I guess. So it's kind of like- They're going to keep learning that lesson?

No, it can't be because my whole point was that that crane could stop being a Toyota and be a crane for a month. Yeah. To get some money. But he can't because he'll forget who he is. He'll be like, this is my life now, which would be sad, which brings you back to the original point of why it blew your fucking brain off. Yeah, that's a good point.

So maybe- Also, what are they spending money on? Yeah, I was going to say original point of why it blew your fucking brain off. Yeah, that's a good point. So maybe... Also, what are they spending money on? Yeah, I was gonna say that, actually. I don't know if cars get money. Is there ambulances? Yeah. Is there ambulances in your films? Is the ambulance big enough to fit another car in? Yeah, well, there's plenty...

All cars that are meant to hold cars do. No, but an ambulance isn't meant to hold a car. No, but in the cars world, they hold a car. That was a big ambulance. But then, what's Mater then? Because he's a tow truck. Wouldn't that just be a car ambulance?

No, well, I guess. Are there car surgeons then? I guess a car surgeon would just be a mechanic. But you don't get a car to work on a car. You get a dude to work on a car. No, actually, I mean, this is the second or fucking ninth car. But you get dudes to work on dudes. And i don't know how many watts deep we are but the uh forklift people are a slave race let's talk about that for a moment excuse me so the

forklifts in cars are the only ones dexterous enough to do anything that requires thumbs and so the forklifts do all of the heavy lifting in the car's world what's the rest of the cars just boop boop around the car's world like every building must have been built like a by a forklift because they can maneuver shit whereas cars have fucking big dumb wheel hands so i can't do the fucking hands yeah yeah put a butt can like you should say button a can um yeah so the forklift so if anybody's a car surgeon it's a forklift i was about to ask the dumbest question like what's a car's end goal in life and i remembered that like humans don't have been going like it's not like you're like congratulations

you did it you did the best human thing there is to do you beat the game of life think about lightning mcqueen lightning m Lightning McQueen is a race car. So Lightning McQueen's desire in life is to race. That's pretty good because cars can race. That's great. That's like Usain Bolt being like, my desire is to run. Yeah, but that's not like Usain Bolt wasn't born a runner. He trained.

Yeah, but Lightning McQueen was born a race car. Surely. He doesn't have lights. Because he doesn't have... He's got lights. No, Surely. He doesn't have lights. Because he doesn't have... Well, no, he's got lights. No, no, he doesn't have headlights. No, not fucking high beams or something. It's a whole fucking point.

They're like, why don't you have that? He's like, because I'm a fucking race car dickhead. Oh, probably no blinkers. And he's got a rear spoiler. Can you feel with that rear spoiler? If I was to grab that rear spoiler and yank it... And just shift him around, would it hurt him? And pull it off his body, would that be like amputating him?

Would he feel it? It'd be like if you had a tail and I pulled it off. Well, what's weird is that he has the fucking 90 million. He crashes at some point, doesn't he? Yeah. Well, that's what I was going to say. Cars what? Number 56?

Yeah. Do cars feel pain? Because they're scared when the bulls are chasing them. But if they don't feel pain, what of? And if they do feel pain, why? The cars are scared of death, but I don't understand why they would be their cars. Well, would you still be scared of

death if you couldn't feel pain? Yeah. Yeah, but I wouldn't be scared of like... Not me, but that's okay. That's a story for another day. Because when Lightning McQueen and Mater, Termator, there you go, are getting chased by detractor cows, which is another one entirely. Why are some

cars not cars and cows? Why is the bull of the tractors a fucking combine harvester? Does the combine harvester fuck one of the tractors? Are they milking the tractors? If they're not milking the tractors, what are the tractors doing in a field?

Who's milking them? What are they going to do with the milk, Jackson? I don't know! Is that what they get the oilors? If they're not milking the tractors, what are the tractors doing in a field? Who's milking them? What are they going to do with the milk, Jackson? I don't know! Is that what they get the oil from? I don't know. Oh, the milk tractors get oil. So the tractors will eat the grass and turn that grass into oil we milk. Biofuel, I guess. And then they milk that. The forklifts milk the tractors.

Well, the car can't. The car's got big dumb hands. Yeah. But then why is the combine half... Does the combine half... Is it like the stud? Yeah. Yes, it's penis. Where are they...

Where are they... Where's Lightning McQueen's penis? Lightning McQueen is sexually attracted to Porsche. Yes. That means that car banging is going to happen. They joke about it. They car flirt. So...

So cars can bang. Or at least want to. Maybe the exhaust pipe isn't for shitting. It's for fucking. Maybe it's for both. Maybe it's like Avatar. You just connect. No, like when two fucking wolves fuck. What?

When two wolves, or it might be foxes fuck, they go butt to butt. And the dude's fucking wolf cock goes in the lady wolf's vagina. And then they're locked together. And then the wolf runs and the lady wolf runs and the dude's like, fuck! He's dragged around the fucking snow. By your dick. By your hog.

So is that what happens with cars? Lightning McQueen drives one way. Fucking Porsche. They reverse into each other. Lock. Fucking Porsche panics and runs.? Lightning McQueen drives one way, fucking Porsche, and they reverse into each other, lock, fucking Porsche panics and runs, and Lightning's like behind her and is like, go down the fucking highway. Don't like that. Is that your car? I really like that, yes.

Don't like that at all, but yeah, I imagine so. I'm assuming cars fuck like wolves. So then is she birthing out of her, is it like a cloaca? Maybe it's the boot. Maybe like a car birth. It's like just a forklift. It's just like...

It pops up and they're like, there it is, pull it out. There you go, baby. Grew it inside you. That's pretty good. That makes a lot of... It makes more sense than it growing inside it somewhere. Yeah.

What else is the boot for? Plus that's right near the exhaust. So when his car sperm goes up in, it's into the boot. Car sperm. Good. That means there's exhaust So when his car sperm goes up in It's into the boot That means there's a car egg And car sperm Car cocks, they're my favourite So would it be one birth

Or like a litter? One Would it differ for different cars? And planes And boats Well a tugboat would be kind of useful. I can't wait for like, get the bigger boats together to line up there. Boats don't have exhausts, so back at square one. They've got the...

So what, they get side by side, they breach themselves? Breach themselves, like connect fucking... What are they called? Spouts? Yeah. Smokestacks? Smokestacks. No one could see what my hand did, but it went up. Well, would they have... No.

I'm thinking like a gangplank. So like, what, like the boats go up next to each other and a gangplank goes down and just sperm walks between the boats. Yep, on our way to make a baby. But then I'm like, I don't know what happens next. Well, here's an interesting thing. So in Cars 2, which is an espionage film.

Mater's the main character. Mater is. Lightning McQueen does shit all in that movie. That movie's garbage, but like mind blowing. Bruce Campbell's in it, so it's all right. He dies though. Does he play a car? Yeah.

Yeah, he's the good spy car that gets tortured in the toilet Yeah, he gets tortured, he gets the shit beat out of him in the toilet and dies, he sacrifices himself It's fucked up That's a classic Bruce Campbell move But in that movie, there are two what do you call those big military

boats? Aircraft carriers They have a flat top but there's nothing on top of them. So no planes land on there. No. Why? Aren't there planes in the next few films?

Yes. Also, in one of the films... If we have planes, you could have a shitty crop duster, you could have a 747 or you could have a military jet. There's also stunt have a 747 or you could have like a military jet there's also stunt planes and shit because the stunt planes he's a main character yeah yeah yeah but you could have a military yeah yeah he's like there's just no superior like no planes i mean maybe planes are mentally in on him i just think it's weird that but i'm not saying like in that

situation that there is one which is clearly superior yeah well yeah exactly everything else yeah but there's same with cars. Same with people. But nobody is born a sergeant. You know what I mean? No, but in like... They're raised a sergeant though. Yeah, but in cars, you're born a military jeep.

If you skip 20 years, it's fine. It's the same thing for people. Don't worry about that. Don't worry about that out of everything. No,'t that's the main problem the main problem you have is that people are birthed into professions it's just gattaca i guess it is just gattaca well with my ai theory it works they're like we need some military people so take them out of the info sphere ai theory works for the first half like why an AI theory would be a good idea, but then the rest makes no sense. Or are you all born, like, just a generic car? Okay.

And then if the outer stuff is malleable, and we can change a tyre, we can change, like, the plating and that kind of stuff, so maybe we can, as you grow up, and I guess be a growing car, like, the shitty shell is, like, soft and stuff, and guess, be a growing car, like your shitty shell is like soft and stuff and then we kind of like put... Even like actually if you just start off as like a generic piece of garbage car,

like just like it's nothing. You start off as a Ford Focus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every car starts off... But if you're just a generic piece of shit car and then you go to car university and at car university you learn how to be a doctor. Yeah.

They just take your brain out, your chip, plug it into something else. I figured you'd kind of, all right. I mean, like, you could just be the chassis, could be what your car is, and then the shell is just nothing. Or are you the engine? Maybe you're the engine. They take your engine out, they plonk it in something else.

So you're like, oh, I'm still studying, I need to make some money. So take you out, put you in a crate for six months. Like muscle cars with the engine. They take your engine out, they plonk it in something else. So you're like, oh, I'm still studying, I need to make some money. Take you out, put you in a crane for six months. Like muscle cars with exposed engine. Real dangerous. Everyone's just like, that's gross.

Plus, if you think about it, remember in the first Cars film, oh, you probably don't, but in the first Cars film, there are like four street cars, like street racing cars. Are they like illegal chassis? Like illegal chassis?

Chassis is the outside bit. So is that like they've gone somewhere? Isn't chassis the, with the wheels? No, chassis is the chassis? Chassis is the outside bit. Yeah. So is that like they've gone somewhere? Isn't chassis with the wheels? No, chassis is the shell. What's the thing with the wheels called? You mean the axles? No, no, no, no. Like the whole base of the car.

The body? No, the body is the shell again. Isn't the chassis the shell? But the body of the car is also the shell or the chassis. I'm sitting on my keys. Hang on. Okay, Google. Okay, Google. Okay, Google.

What's a chassis? Yeah, you knew. The base frame of a car carriage or other wheeled vehicle. That was right. Yeah, those got us good. So the chassis is the bottom. And the body is the bottom. So your body dictates what you are. So the chassis and body. I think it's your engine. I think your engine is your core. The chassis isn't the body. The chassis is the bottom. And the body is the bottom. So your body dictates what you are.

So the chassis and body. I think it's your engine. I think your engine is your core. The chassis isn't the body. The chassis is the... No, I'm saying the chassis and the body feel like that's what you are. But you can't be your engine. You can't be because if you're like a shitty V1

and you want to be a race car, which is whatever, and then it's kind of like you can't. You're not gonna. So I reckon cars must have a brain. Cars can get dizzy. And the only way you can get dizzy is if you've got a brain and your ears mess with it. Cars have ears as well then.

So cars have a brain. Maybe they are very good at brain transport. Yeah, so you transmit that brain output in a crane. Maybe they're like the Futurama floating brain and they're like the Futurama floating brain. And they're like the... How do you explain eyes, Jack? That's just part of the machine. So without a car, I cannot see?

Yeah. You're just a brain. I don't like that. Or you're like a mechanical brain that they just swap between cars. Is this like an AI world that has gone out of control? It's like Skynet. It's like, imagine if it's like you had Skynet Skynet wins there's like a hundred years everyone's like

what do we do and Skynet discovers a car automobiles the rest is history so it's kind of like humanity gets wiped out because of that everything goes back to kind of sick oh where the fuel okay oh they got us good anyway yeah cuz you know how we farm dinosaurs yeah yeah, yeah, they're farming us. Oh, well. People make good oil, apparently. I guess we did. Oh, boy.

So, we say, like, fast forward, you know, like, millennia or whatever. And so then it's like the AI are like, we're bored. Chuck ourselves in cars. Chuck ourselves in cars, yeah. Here's another car spot. So, in cars 2, there's a pope. A cars pope.

So cars got organized religion. Does that mean they're a car Jesus? Yes. Does that mean they're a car Allah? Well no, they'd be the story of a car Jesus. They don't necessarily exist, but they also might. Car atheists?

Car cults? Are you into it? That's alright. I guess actually these are all just... But like that's... How did that happen? Same way it happened

with people. Yeah. We've got that thing in our brain which has got to worship a thing. Yeah but... And we're like

hey look a sun. Then we're like oh no I'm like hey look a mirror. But why is it Jesus? Why is it the Pope? Well because I mean if you look at religion,

they all share similarities and you can be like, But this is exactly the Pope. He's a Popemobile. Jesus is kind of similar. He's an actual Catholic Pope as a car. Well, maybe they found some ancient texts. And they just decided this is the go. God made us in his own image.

So he's like, well, God's a car. Does that mean that cars and planes have different religions? I was going to say that's another car's what. Is there car typeism? You're going to say Satanism for some reason. Probably.

It would be humanist to be car-ers. So, like, if you're a boat, can you fall in love with a car? Is that forbidden? The boat in love? I mean, the boat in love. So you could kind of breach yourself and the car could reverse.

You'd have to get into the shadows. No, it's not gonna... You're a fucking tailpipe. Your car would... You'd be, like, going into its penis-slash-vagina. Land on an aircraft carrier. Drive off on... Like, drive on the jump and then just land on the aircraft carrier. off like drive on the jump and then just

land on the aircraft carrier worse for a plane in a car oh plane pick you up you'd be right lady plane she flies away you're connected still ah tasty plane pussy it's a disturbing world i don't like this So another cause what Mater rusts So does that mean if you don't maintain your body He's incontinent Yeah he pisses himself a bunch That's fucked up

Actually no he doesn't The other car pisses himself But blames it on Mater But Mater assumes he did it And doesn't like question it He's just like, oh, gee, I pissed myself. Live action. That's a little Turtle Man reference for everybody.

Well, I guess a lot of those things would come with having a car brain. So if car brains are a thing, then you don't need to really stress about those because it's just a consequence of having a car brain. I guess you're just like, cars leak oil. Cars leak oil. I guess they don't like, cars leak oil. Cars leak oil. I guess they don't have a sphincter, internal or external. Hang on, if cars don't pay money,

so in Cars 2 they go around the world. Mater and Lightning McQueen take a plane. That's a dude. It's a guy. It's a fella. That'd be getting on someone's back. Inside someone. Hey, fella, let me crawl in.

Take me home. Here's a question. Here's a fucked up question Uh oh So the aircraft carriers are solid Does that mean at what point The plane was solid And one of the little forklifts is like

We're hollowing you out And turning you into Something to move cars Oh boy. Well, no, maybe. Wait, how do you know an aircraft is solid? What? There's no entrances. There's no doorway.

With the plane, there's windows you can see inside. No, no, no, the aircraft, because it has a big old mouth at the front. I'll find you a photo. It's got a big old mouth at the front. It's got two eyes. Military. No, because it's got a big old mouth at the front. He's got two eyes. Um. Military. No.

Cause it might just be like similar to how like Mater has an open back and like that doesn't hurt him. Okay. So just, this is just the way. He grew. I guess. That's just how the fella grew. He grew a bit wrong and now you can put things in him. Now you can hop inside his back. Here you go.

I'll just pass that around. Yeah. That doesn't look hollow to me. No. That's just a fella. He's going to another boat. Now I'm in boating forums. Ah, Jackson, I don't know how to use your phone. Ah, there we are.

I bought a boat. Oh, dear. Yeah, there's yeah. There's no holes in him Like there's windows but Like a car ain't getting in that Where's the plane It's real empty I mean like planes could land on that boat So maybe it's just don't stress

No I reckon Maybe a little man They hollowed out A little little man They hollowed out The plane What does the plane say or do? He's like the pilot So he's like Welcome aboard

He's not like being lobotomized He's all good That's good I reckon it's just grown like that Mater is a tow truck His back is open Wait how big is the jet? It's huge

It's ginormous And there's places for the cars to sit inside Cars sit by the way They kind of shuffle down Here you go There he is Everybody should be googling along with me Sorry cars sit? shuffled down. Here you go. There he is. There's another.

Everybody should be Googling along with me. Sorry, cars sit? They kind of crunch down. They hunch. They get on their haunches. Like they're upright and they kind of crunch down. No, no. They're lying on their stomach.

They don't really sit. They just kind of like push. Lower themselves a bit. Lower themselves. All right. That's all right. Because they've still got those little axles. Yeah. Kind of like, you know, when you push your arms back.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That's fine. So here's another car's what. There's a plane's what. In planes, I like that I know the most about these worlds for some reason. In planes, there are crop dusters. Yeah.

Why are they dusting a crop? For who? The tractors to eat. No, it's plants. It's like tomatoes. Yeah, for the... Fire and rescue. You did it!

For the cows to eat. Yeah, the tractors. No, no, it's like it's not like a field. We're talking plants on a planter with tomatoes lined up. It's crops

So maybe they let the You don't see it But they let the tractors in there And the tractors just Why not just Give them What are you giving them tomatoes for? Maybe cars like tomatoes also

Maybe the cow tomatoes Car tomatoes Wait Car cows love tomatoes I guess Yeah And they have mouths So there's nothing to say

Nothing to say I guess That they're not Wait Do the tractors have mouths? No I mean Cars have mouths, so there's nothing to say that... Nothing to say, I guess, that they're not... Wait, do the tractors have mouths? No, I mean, cars have mouths, so it doesn't matter. Tomatoes could be for cars. I mean, we never really... They only have oil.

Did they go to a diner at one point? They go to a diner, but that diner is... You drink oil. It's the best oil there is. Yeah. Oh, yeah, the tractors do have mouths so i'm guessing you feed in why don't you give tractors oil unless they take the tomatoes and then break them down and mix them with some other shit and then oh more oil oh it's like but it's like a like a tomato oil

like italian oil yeah a passata oil it's a passata oil mama mia good. There are cultures. Like, there's Japan, which has Japanese cars. And Italy, which has Italian cars. And they just are Italian and Japanese. Well, that's... Look, culture's fine. That's... We can't... That's good.

Sarge, from Cars 1, is a World War II veteran. You saved that one for late in the game. I did. That was my late in the game I did That was my ace in the hole Riddle me this one, cunts How? Car brains are human brains He fought in World War 2

Is it World War 2 as in our World War II or their World War II? He does not mention a car Hitler. Could be their World War II. What are cars having a war over?

Land disputes. Car Hitler. Car Hitler? Their version of Round and Optum. Franz Ferdinand. Yeah. Wait, that was

World War I? Which they'd lead to World War II. I guess. Yeah. Germany. They hate him. Get, that was World War I? Which they'd lead to World War II. I guess. Yeah. Germany. They hate them. Get rid of them.

National pride? Hate crimes. What? All these creepy things. Like one, like, there were just a couple people in a beer hall. Uh-huh. Being like, this particular car. Where he had no idea.

Okay. There's a couple of Volkswagen. Uh-huh. Yep. Sitting in an oil haul. Yep. Being like, man, I don't have a job or what kind of make. Like, he's a Jewish car. What do Israel export car-wise?

I'm so afraid of where we are. Does anyone know? Let's just say... Chrysler? Can I say Chrysler? Is that alright? Yes, I don't know. Yes.

So a couple of Volkswagen's will be like, you know what the problem is? These fucking Chryslers. Chryslers come in and they take all our money, they take all this bullshit. All their problems

are the Chryslers. Let's round them up and get rid of them let down their tires and gas them and gas them and then and that was World War 2 that's the thing that happened in the Cars world

it had to have, does that mean? because World War 1 was fought by horses what is a car equivalent of a horse? A car is the equivalent of a horse. It's a better horse. It's a metal horse. Wait. One last Cars what?

Yes. So they occasionally in Cars 1 show flies that are also cars. So were there actual car horses upon which the cars rode? Sorry, excuse me. I'm just going to be like... What? Yes! They're little flies. But they're actually little cars.

They actually show that. Yes. They zoom in. They zoom in. Bam! This fly is a car. Which means that... Do we have anything else that is a car? C cars cows but do they look birds are cars so we look okay animals are cars everything's a car jack so this the ai theory is maybe some people want to be bees either more more fucked up because you could be like what's that you're a crane no no you're a bird taking your brain putting you in a fly suck a dick

oh what's that you're a ball boy look at you being putting you in a fly. Suck a dick, idiot. Oh, what's that? You're a bull boy. Oh, look at you being a combine hop. Maybe that's why he's so angry. Let me out. What have I become? And then they have no mouth, they can't speak. Yeah. What are you, cars? So I'm guessing maybe they were like a horse that was ridden by,

like a car horse ridden by a car car. That's all right. I'm good. Yeah, that's good. I'm happy with that. Like a pickup truck with a car in the back Yeah, and a gun But like galloping A bayonet

The trenches, what were the trenches like? Oh, plows Just digging them We're all easy to make them trenches Cars people No fellas getting wet and dying in our trenches No, no trench tyre Yeah

Not happy, Jack. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. I still don't understand. I've learnt nothing and learnt everything. I am the Alpha and the Omega.

Just what's a car? We never figured it out. Tweet us, Pixar, at SansPenceRadio. Please. Don't tweet us any of your Pixar Unified Universe bullshit. I don't want any of that. Somebody draw a picture of a car riding a car horse. That'd be good for me.

Because I just can't picture it. I can imagine if it's like a pickup truck. All I imagine is like a trailer. I was thinking like a ute with a car on the back. I guess. That's good. That's a big ute. Cowboys and Indians.

Cowboys and aliens. What if we go even further back? What if it was like Alexander the Great equivalent? Chariots. Guys. What about like- First ever fake out ending? Are we still going?

What about- What? Like, getting- We're back. Getting elephants? Surprise. Getting elephants

and going all the way around the world? Oh, the fucking thing crossing the- Hannibal? Hannibal crossing the- Alps?

Alps with elephant cars. Can he? Sure do he. Well, his name would be Cannibal and that's stressful because everything is a car. Yes. Carnival. It'd be carnival. Do cars rule?

Like a car's in charge and planes are like second class citizens. What's the structure here? Cars, planes, boats? Yeah. It just makes sense. Well, it really should be planes cars boats no no no no no it's planes planes are in the sky yeah bigger sure no planes are better more complex no but shut up the planes are in the sky any idiot can drive yeah no but shut your fucking mouth yeah all right cause cars go in planes yeah cars go in copters Right? Good use of the word copters

Thank you So I'm assuming that means the cars could choose to Or it's like a mutual thing Because what do the cars give the planes? Gobbies I don't know What do the planes get out of it? When Lightning McQueen's like

Put my mate Mater inside your belly and fly around Does the helicopter have to? Does he want to? Well, yeah, because there's no money so you can't be like, oh, he's just doing it because it's his job. Because, like, he's probably not. He's doing it because... Well, I guess there has to be money. I think he'd want to be a boat because the boats don't have to deal with this. Is there money?

Just like, I'm going to fuck off. Is there money? Is there money? There's no evidence to suggest one way or the other, but... But they've all got jobs. Wait. Yes? One of the cars in Cars 2 has a nightclub, and it's sort of implied that he's rich.

So there's money. So... Yeah, but it's also implied, because when they go to Japan and race and stuff like that, that they're also rich. And when they first go on the world circuit, it's sort of also implied that, oh, I don't know if we can afford this. Mate is like, I'm a poor piece of shit.'s right so there's money so there's money there's

wealth what does a nightclub car look like because i don't know but i just remembered that in cars too there's a bit where mater is in like some japanese slums and he sees a car that has three wheels and it's implied to be like deformed so you can lose a wheel and be no it's like or is it one wheel in the middle. Like a Mr. Bean? Yeah. Okay. What's going on? Getting real on edge. I'm stressed.

I don't like it. So, well, I mean, like, what would money be? I guess, like, just, like, credits or some shit. I guess cars don't have wallets. No. They don't have pockets. They don't have pockets. Where could they keep them? In the trunk. But that's where the baby comes from. That's like keeping your wallet in your bottle.

Which you can do, but you shouldn't. You should. If you're going to keep it, just roll your cash up and keep it up there. Not the whole wallet. That's foolish. It'd be stinky. I don't think cars smell. They smell like motor oil.

Wait. They don't have a nose. Of course there's money, because everybody has fucking businesses. And the whole point of Cars 1 is that their businesses are running out of business because a highway was built. Their town's dying. They're building a highway. Other cars. The car government. How does a car government work?

They gotta rule the cars, make the right decisions, don't do car murder, please. Was there Pharaoh cars? Did they build a pyramid? I don't know. In the background of Radiator Springs, there were these big mountains that looked like the backside of fucking, what do you call them? Rushmore? No, no, no.

What's the car? One of the cars. Cheech the car is this. Like a Cheech and a Chong? Yeah. Cheech the car is this. What Cheech in a chong? Yeah Cheech the car is this What do you call it? It's a What are you saying?

Cadillac? Cadillac Cheech in the car is this And the answer was Cadillac Cheech plays a Cadillac in Cars 1 Cheech plays a car But the mountains look like Cadillac backsides.

So what? What is that? So humans never existed in this universe. I guess. But then how do we get the Bible? No, well then it's just a car Bible. It's the same thing. So this is like a parallel universe where instead of

fleshing from apes, we evolve from a proto-car. Yeah, like a parallel universe where instead of Flashing gross people We evolve from a proto car Yeah like a cave car A motor A wheel Man Invented the wheel but never invented fire It all died out And then wheel

Evolved Does that mean they're like I don't know You know we talk about inventing the wheel Talk about inventing the man Wheel evolved into Captain Volvo. Does that mean they're like... It's funny to be like... I don't know. You know, we talk about inventing the wheel. Talk about inventing the man. Because what happens if the cars, like the proto-cars, were for the wheel?

I don't... Were they dinosaur cars? If all cars are animals, then they would have been. Would the flies have wheels? Yeah. Oh, no. Why would the flies play? Because a wheel isn't exactly a natural forming thing But it must be in the land of cars

We've got to accept that for the sake of this universe So wheels just form Just imagine a palm tree but instead of coconuts it's wheels Wheels are a natural occurring phenomena in biology So a wheel evolves No because they're not wheels We can take them on and put them off Wheels are a natural occurring phenomena in biology. Yes. Okay, that's fine. So a wheel evolves. No, because they're not wheels. We can take them on and put them off.

Wheels are a thing. Not the wheel. The wheel isn't a biological thing. Wait, hang on. If there's fly cars, who's changing the wheels? I guess the wheels just get old and they die. What's the lifespan of a fly car? What happens if you're a car and you're driving in the middle of the desert? Yep. And you hit a rock.

All four of your tires gone. You die. From what? Good bloody question. You live forever. Become a sandy fella.

Sandy boys What if you're a car? Yeah Woo into the sea What if you're a car? Oh no the sea one's easy because you'd rust Yeah Oh true

And eventually just become a skeleton If you're a car Yeah And you run out of fuel What happens? Do you die? Because like I'm like If you're in a car And I accidentally don't fill up because my fuel

gauge is broken and it's confusing for me, I'm like, I filled up yesterday. I didn't. Not paying attention. Then I stopped and now I have no fuel in my car. I can just fill it up and then it's good again. But what about this car? Is he just dumb? He's trapped in the desert.

Because cars don't die Do they need someone to come and oil them? Cars don't die Cars are all immortal If cars are immortal that means The whole universe is going to stagnate You never get a new ruling body It's always going to be the same cars in power

But they do die They die if they get fucking crashed. So in any way, the fucking world changes. It's Highlander rules. It's Highlander rules. It's Highlander rules. It's Highlander rules, but with cars. There can be only one.

Car? There can only be quite a few. Cut off their heads. You can't cut off a car's head. It doesn't have a head. There's no heads. You can't cut off a car's head. It doesn't have a head. There's no neck. No neck. You can't cut off a head if there's no neck.

It's semi-Highlander rules. All the cars... Cut out their tongues. The whole car is a head. It really is. There's a head with wheels and a butt and a vag. And a boot, which is a uterus, I guess. What is a boot on a man?

Is that where the sperm is kept? Is that where your organs are? I'm scared to end it in case we come back. Cars, what? And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Joel. I'm not as spooked as the other two fellas, but

cars is a confusing concept. Like I said before, tweet us. Just keep us in the loop. At Sandspanceradio, and Jackson's at AllDogsAreDead, I am at Douche13, and Zaman is at GodDammitZaman. Yeah. Cars wipe.

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