Plumbing the Death Star - Cereal Mascots, F**kable? (Ft. @StopTweetingMia)

Episode Date: June 9, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio. Los Polos Hermanos. hear more of her just search for cynical cartoons on itunes wherever you find good podcasts or you can listen directly from our website sanspantsradio.com hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like serial mascots fuckable Well, yes, obviously. Short answer, yes. No, no! Long answer, maybe with caveats. There are a lot of serial mascots, Cass.

We can find one. You'll fuck. Okay, you know what? Let's set that as today's challenge. I just wonder, do you guys have vastly different serial mascots in Australia to what we have here? There's no doubt we can't not. We have what? Kellogg's Special K, which I think is a chicken.

So, Rastretta, I'm going to go with no. Hang on. Because there are fewer Australian cereal mascots. So, I'll just get some of those up. There's Toucan Sam. Toucan Sam, I think, is intercontinental. He's worldwide. He's global.

Exactly. I think some of them are. So, we got, what's the Coco Pops? A monkey. A monkey. Oh, he's a bird here. Oh, Coco Puffs. No, Coco Pops? A monkey. A monkey. Oh, there's a bird here. Oh, Coco Puffs. No, Coco Pops.

That's different. We have the puffs. And that's a bird. Okay, let's go. What's his name? The Coco Pop Monkey. He's just called the Coco Pops Monkey. The Coco Pop Monkey.

All right. Well, let's have a look at him. Okay. Look, he looks more like a bear, frankly. Okay. Would you mind if, okay, I know we're saying caveats and stuff, and I know the challenge is to find Cass a mascot spouse. A serial lover.

It's the bachelor for serial for Cass, and I want to just add my first deal breaker. Yeah. Animal? But it's just talking, and it's sapient. So many of them are animals. Oh, my God. It's talking, Cass.

I hate this company. It can give consent. Here's sapient. So many of them are animals. I hate this company. It can give consent. Here's the thing. Some of those animals are much sexier than their human counterpart. Captain Crunch, an old man. Tony the Tiger, tall, buff, and nice. Tony the Tiger can get it.

He doesn't hold rank. So let's look at this. This is the Coco Pops monkey from Kellogg's brand. First candidate for Cass here. Is he wearing a baseball uniform? He's wearing a baseball uniform. No shoes. He needs his shoes for climbing.

So he's got a sense of fashion, not amazing fashion, but a sense of. He clearly likes baseball, so he's a sporting chimp. And that's pretty nice. Although no shoes, bit of a deal-breaker for me. No shoes. Okay, can I ask you a question? Look, in the very specific image I have, is the Cocoa Puffs monkey holding that bowl with its

foot? Or with another hand? Foot. It's holding the spoon with its tail. Where's that other hand? I'm baffled. That's pretty good. Actually, so my first deal-breaker would have been tail. So for American listeners, this is the equivalent of Cocoa Pebbles. That's what we have here.

Oh. Because I thought it would be a Cocoa Puffs equivalent. I guess a pop is not a thing. A pop is not. Well, what's interesting? Here's some cereal mascot discourse. So Cocoa Puffs, right, are basically chocolate. Rice bubbles? here's some cereal mascot discourse so Coco Pops right are basically

chocolate um rice bubbles rice bubbles snap crackle and pop is it all popped rice yes it's puffed rice which is why they're Coco Puffs that makes sense

Coco Puffs are a ball they're like a sphere. What? Yeah, I wish I had all these to sort of display. So they're not little rice. We have no cereal that's a ball in Australia. That's a bold claim. We have so many ball cereals.

We have kicks. I bet we don't. Pops. No spherical. We have spherical ones. No, we don't. We have ones that are kind of like cinder blocks. That's pretty cool.

Oh, the cinder blocks. Okay, hang on. You held up like a baseball-sized cereal in your hand. I don't think that's the size. It is. It's like, okay, so I'm guessing Cocoa Pop Monkey. No one's finding that fuckable. No, I'll fuck it.

Okay. All right. You mentioned this. He's so happy. He is very happy. Look um there is no sad cereal to it's he's it is humanoid yeah which is pretty like i know we're gonna go other places and look right now that's a pretty like low bar i'm setting but humanoid is a bar i want to clear i'm fucking him all right but then we did say what you know you did did say A cinder block kind of style

We have like Wheat Bix That's not what I was going for The mascot of Wheat Bix Is usually The Australian cricket team So Cass They are people There's a lot of them

And there are a lot of them The entire team though at one time Or it's one at a time they're featured I would say you are the whole team Isn't it footballers too? It's the footballers I always associate it with cricketers So

Maybe Obviously we're talking about Wheat Bix Which is an Australian kind of rectangle cereal There was also Wheater Bix Yeah The garbage ones that I hate Yeah And they can eat my whole ass.

But they have an awesome mask. Oh, boy. Oh, that's cool. An angry cube. That's like hash brown. What is that? Is that a potato cereal? I don't know.

I'm a fan. Weetabix skins? I don't know. I'm shocked to find out the amount of variation of mascots. It's a minion now. Minions can get it. Hard no from Cass. This minion is a criminal. It's a minion now. Minions can get it. Hard no from Cass. This minion is a criminal. That's sexy.

Come on. He's a bad boy, Cass. No, he's the worst boy. He's a bad boy. He's a criminal and you know as a minion he's going to be pretty subservient, just saying. Oh, yuck. You have bad ideas of what is good. Should we list off as many as we can think of

and then just say yes or no on each of them? Or is it that we're finding the most fuckable cereal mascot? I think the aim is to find the most fuck... Okay, I have an option. I was going to say the Iron Man of Iron Man food. Nutri-Grain, which is our sort of sports cereal. The ads always end with a man screaming. Oh, and it's the best.

It's like a... Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. I've actually practiced. Nutri-Grain, I think it's called the Iron Man. It's like a scream, but he's saying yeah, isn't it? Yeah. Okay. You guys have like angry cereal masks.

Oh, yeah. We've got to grow up strong. All the ones here in America are either like, they're really, really happy or sometimes they are sad. Sometimes they are foiled constantly and their life is very depressing. Please tell us about the sad mascots. Yeah.

Well, the wolf from the cocoa, from the, from the cookie crisps. Okay. Cookie crisps. Okay. Cereal.

Amazing. Cookie crisps. That's a cereal? Amazing. Cookie crisps, it's cookies for breakfast. It's not good. It's like graham crackers, basically. Cookie crisps is incredible because it used to be, it was like a wizard way back in the day, and it became a cop that was stopping the wizard. Then it became the robber that was running away from the cop.

Then it became, and he had a dog. Then it became his dog, and now it's his wolf. And that's over the course of like 40 years. They're like 12 mascots. So now it's a named chip but you can you know follow the progression of mascot which is kind of nice yeah i'm feeling this immediately i love this i'm looking at the cookie crisp mascot so the wizard the wizard was like in the 70s i think okay the wizard wouldn't get it i'm just saying look i'm probably not gonna fuck the wizard which seems a bit too out of my age bracket yeah i mean who knows, shape-shifting capabilities?

What could he do with that wand? And if he uses, like, magic to make me, like, have a great time, then maybe I'm for it. The nose is phallic. I don't know if that changes anyone's opinion. I mean, he could do a lot with it. That affects his decision. Stimulate my prostate with his nose while he's just...

I'm just letting everyone know what's going on here. I don't reckon I could get that on board yet. Cash? What a thing to have to deal with when you've asked me a question. I have to hear that and then you're like, Cass, it's your turn to speak. Time to do your job. That's not fair.

That's not fair at all. Whoa. You can't drop something like that on me and expect me to go to work in less than a second. That is a cruel thing for you to do. Keep up, Cash. Keep up. Come on.

Well, look, I am leaning toward anyone that's a human. Why is that such a radical idea for this fucking company? Humans. Lucky the Leprechaun, kind of human. Humanoid. Let's get Lucky the Leprechaun up for you. And again, all of these, like, there. Let's get Lucky the Leprechaun up for you. There's currently no mascot that isn't sapient.

Can I just point out, I'm online and I'm trying to find I've got the Cookie Crisp Wolf, but I've also got a sexy version of the Cookie Crisp Wolf with an eye patch that only turns up occasionally. I don't know if it's weird fan art,

because frankly, it's sexy as hell. He's hiding from you. Where is it? Now, do you have Wheaties here? Yeah, we have Wheaties. You know King Willie Wheatie? Mm-mm. What?

We always just have sports guys on the front. Oh, really? Yeah. That's your Nutri-Grain. That is your Nutri-Grain. Who is King Willie Wheatie? King Willie Wheatie is like a giant piece of wheat. Okay.

Jack, if you could please quickly do a bit of a Google of that. King Willy Weedy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's royalty, so that definitely... Whoa! Right? He's royalty, so already cast. He's got a rank, and the rank is very high.

He looks like a corndog. Oh, that is a high rank. It's a king, and he's got a cape, usually. Oh. Look at that smile. I would prefer not to. Tell me you don't want to sit on that face, because I know I do.

Hey, you know what? I was about to call that bluff and say it, but I don't want to say those words. King Willy Witty, may I point out, only wears pants and leaves his barrel chest visible for everybody. Is he me? Yeah, he's the Joe Zammett of cereal mascots. He looks like, you know when you have a mango

and you eat the outside of the mango and you leave what my family for some reason calls the slime bug? Oh, no. The middle bit, the pip. I don't know why they call it the slime bug. They always have. It makes me sick. So, so a point here,

I feel like we're getting away from humanoid. I said, lucky the leprechaun. You said King Willy Weedy. Let's think snap, crackle, pop discerning. I don't,

I don't appreciate that idea. Yeah. Look, well, I always assume that snap, snap, crackle and pop were boys. Like, pop discerning. I don't appreciate that idea. I always assumed that Snap, Crackle, and Pop were boys. Well, they're elves. Let's assume consensual adults. They're elves, so they're going to be

smaller. It's still a no from me. Why am I on this episode? They'll stand on each other's shoulders in a trench coat and they'll seem to be normal human height. We need a dissenting opinion, Kat. Otherwise it's going to be all of us reaming these serial mass insults. Okay, other humans.

It's a yes all the way down. Snap, Crackle, and Pop all have the same face. So it might be a no from me. Although, who's this one? I think, okay, quick question. Which one's the hottest? I'm personally saying Snap. Does it go

Snap, Crackle, Pop in that picture that you have? Because over the middle one is for me. Well, they have the classic, like, redhead, brunette, and blonde. Like, you can kind of discern from that, like, adjusting the pussycat style. Like, okay, so this one's the quirky one, this one's the front one, this one's the dumb one. I think Snap's just got a cool...

Look at Snap's jacket. Plus Snap's wearing a kerchief, which is hot as hell. Snap looks awesome. Not in the way that I will know. Pop kind of looks like he's got some edge to him. He's like the bad boy.

Pop looks like he'd front an emo band and I'd listen to it. Pop has joined the black parade. He's got the little epa Pop looks like he'd front an emo band and I'd listen to it. Pop has joined the black parade. And he's got the little epaulets or whatever. Epaulets? They're looking very, very funny. I'm nervous to do this, but I'm just going to type in Snap, Crackle, Pop, hot. Oh, that's a good idea. So surely currently for Cass, we found at least the Iron Man.

The Iron Man. Anyone who can scream like that. It's okay. We've got it. Cap'n Crunch, again, pulling rank. Okay, so we Anyone who can scream like that. It's okay. We got it. Alright. Cap'n Crunch, again, pulling rank. Okay, so we got Cap'n Crunch. Let's get Cap'n Crunch up. Look, just the idea of, are they all

orbs? Yeah, they're all orbs. Well, the berries are orbs. The Cap'n Crunch itself is a flake? It's square. It's like a little pillow. It's something. It's like a little pillow. It's something. See, I don't know how fuckable

Captain Crunch is. He looks more like a dad. Has a lot of money, owns a boat, is in the military, probably gets like a discount and can park places you usually can't. See, I'd marry Captain Crunch. But I guess that's not the question we're asking here today.

Is he fuckable? Yeah, we should have done a fuck, marry, kill for all the cereal mascots. Okay, we'll marry Captain Crunch. Okay, that's fair. So far I think we're fucking the Iron Man Nutri-Grain mascot. Is there a Crispix mascot? The Nutri-Grain mascot, because he's just basically a shredded dude with a swimming cap.

Yeah, and Speedos. And Speedos. And Speedos. Made of Iron Man food. Yeah. He's very strong. And he's very, like, sleek. He almost looks slippy. Yeah, absolutely.

I would describe his body as smooth. I think the logo, as it comes on in Australian TV, he's swimming during the Iron Man challenge and then turns into the logo. Yeah, absolutely. But he's a very smooth, muscular man. I think the Cookie Crisp Fox can sometimes get it. It's weird.

Sometimes he's hot, sometimes he's not. The Cookie Cream Fox? The Cookie Crisp Wolf chip. He's gone through a lot of redesigns. I know this doesn't look hot, but I did find something I can't re-find where he was red and had an eye patch. Look, I'm going to be on the caster side here and say I'm not fucking that wolf.

Maybe kill it. Why are you not fucking that wolf? Hang on. Hang on. Which of the Cookie Crisp mascot Iliad, which would make what death would be the most convenient to help the story? If I could kill one to make something else happen faster.

Well, the Cookie Crisp criminal was a criminal. Okay. So she's a bad boy. But he's a bad boy. Yeah, that's hard as hell. Well, actually, look, when you look at him, he can die. No, I'm not. No, he's gross. Looks like a tomato made flesh.

I'm not a fan. So, what's the story again, Mia? Of what? The Cookie Crisps. They've just gone through a thousand redesigns. That's the whole thing. It was a wizard. It became a cop that was chasing after a robber. Is there any canon here? Are you talking about Cookie Crisps the animated series? What? It does not exist. No. In my mind. I am now. that was chasing after a robber. Is there any canon here? Are you talking about Cookie Chris the Animated Series?

What? It does not exist. No, in my mind. Alternate universes. So, okay. So I'm guessing like the wizard somehow became a cop or a robber.

Which one is he more resembling? Or is the wizard like the future cop? I don't... And the cop and robber is a prequel. I don't know if it's clear. Hey, wait.

I know a sexy... It's not a Hey, wait, I know a sexy... It's not a cereal mascot, but it's a sexy confectionery mascot. Green M&M, baby. Green M&M. It's insane that its job was to... They were like, oh, no, we haven't made it yet. That's a hot M&M.

I will say, you can say green M&M if you pour a bowl of M&Ms in milk and eat it. That's true. You have to prove that's a cereal. Yeah, that does count, unfortunately. It probably has about as much nutritional value as Lucky Charms. Absolutely. It's fine.

This is an aside, and it won't really lead to anything. Please. I did find Sour Patch Kids cereal earlier this year. What? It tastes incredible without milk. Eat it with milk, and you will want to die. What the hell? I can only imagine that would kill you.

Oh, it was great. Who would eat? Was it sour? It was sour. That's the thing is you eat it with milk and you're like, it's just like sour milk. It tastes like sour fruit loops kind of. And like dry, you're like, this is great. I love this.

I'm just looking at the M&M's now in terms of fuckability. So we're going to like looking at the M&Ms now in terms of fuckability. Well, okay. So we're going to like fuck the green M&M. Well, I'm going to fuck multiple. So I don't know if marry, fuck, kill works. So orange one can't get it. I don't know.

Not into it. That's the crispy one, yeah? We need to say their insides because it is on the inside that counts. Crispy M&M, I will not fuck. Red M&M can get it. Yellow M&M will not fuck uh red eminem can get it yellow eminem can get it green eminem can get it blue eminem can get it big time what a daddy and then brown eminem is like a sexy librarian so it's one of seven eminems or six sorry that you're like no every other eminem you will fuck yeah it's only just now occurring to

me that they're kind of ninja turtles like the red one is like angry and like put upon that's true that's weird although normally like you've got that four what is it like you got the four character types but there are six m&ms to be fair i don't know the character type of the blue m&m is the blue m&M the almond M&M? Maybe. What's the brown M&M? No, isn't the... Dark chocolate?

No, isn't the yellow M&M almond? No. Yellow M&M is peanut. Crispy, regular, peanut, mint? Oh, hang on. No. Gotta be. Maybe.

I don't know, but it seems, looking at it, crispy, regular, peanut, crispy, regular, peanut woman, almond. I mean, there are two female M&Ms. That's true. Who's the other female? The brown one's female. Yeah. She's like a sexy librarian.

That's the thing is they're both defined by their sexiness. Yeah, absolutely. Although, yeah, there's kind of like Dom vibes from the brown one. Oh, the two kinds of woman. Yeah. Sexy and Dom. What cereals have women as mascots? Special K.

Sometimes they'll get like a 60-year-old woman in there to be like, I eat this because it helps me poop. I was going to say like throwing another hat into the ring, adding to my Iron Man, very small collection. The women of Special K who are strong and shit good. All the brand. Okay. Absolutely, they can get it.

They have their lives so together. Oh, God. We have the sugar golden crisp bear. Whoa, look at that chin. I'll show you guys all the American ones. He looks like he eats the things he's selling. Like he wouldn't get it because he looks a little high. He looks like a surly teen.

Hang on, hang on. Has he got heaps of chin or no chin? Hey, does he have Shrek ears? Yes. That's not a bear's face. Look at his eyebrows. He looks surprised. He looks surprised.

But also very tired. Yeah. The expression that he has, so in the cereal box we're looking at, he is adding honey to honey crisps. He looks like this is frowned upon and we've just busted in on him what is this is the honeycombs mascot no i hide it it's when you as a human being eat honeycombs and you turn into this this little gremlin he ate a piano in this one is he desirable no looks like if a crash Bandicoot fucked a bush.

Does everyone have a Honeycomb Crisp Sona? Yeah. Oh, like they're different for different people. Does it change? Because I'm assuming we're seeing the ones in ads. So what would my Honeycomb Crisp Sona? They do all turn into a uniform, the Honeycrisp Sona. And he runs around and he says, Honeycombs.

Or he's like, Honeycombs, honeycombs. We want honeycombs. It's honeycombs. Okay, can I sell you on? Yeah. How about this? I'm ready to go. I'm looking at the photo and shaking my head.

It's Kane. They're smiley. Yeah, that's good to hear. So you know it's all smiles. We're in for a good time. We're going to treat you right. Blonde. So if you like blonde hair, that's for you.

Blondes have more fun Always comes with two scoops Of raisins It's a sun It's a giant sun With a happy face Raisin brand mascot What do we think?

Fuckable? Grabbing that mouth? How do the mechanics work? What is the biology? Is there parts and bits? Where are the genitals on the sun? Again, they've got hands and a mouth. I'm good.

Fuckable. Put them on the list. Is it warm? Is it sun heat? Or is it just kind of warm? Will I get my genitals burned? Well, they're holding the scoops with raisins and they're not catching fire or melting.

The scoops are metal. Also, fruit doesn't melt. If it was the heat of the sun. It would definitely do something. I guess they're drying it out. So, you know. I think Cheerios had some female mascots at some point. They're just women. They're not like had some female mascots at some point.

They're just women. They're not like a cartoon. They're just three ladies. So that's something. All right. All right. All right. All right.

We're looking at Timon and Pumbaa. There was a Timon and Pumbaa. And Simba. And Simba. And the bugs. Chocolate mud and bugs. Timon, yes. Pumbaa, yes. Simba. Adult Simba. No. Adult Simba, yes. Pumba, yes. Simba.

Adult Simba. No. Adult Simba, yes. Adult Simba can get it. Adult Simba, wow. Can we take a brief moment to talk about how hot Adult Simba is? Only if we can afterwards talk about how much I'd love to plow Pumba. Oh, yeah.

I guess. Must we? Look, I was honestly going to say maybe to the Raisin Bran mascot because it's the sun and it would kill me. And then I'd be free. What about California raisins? They seem old. But there's a lot of them.

What? What? What? What? Okay, okay. What? All right, all right, all right. Oh, my God.

We have Buzz the bee from Cheerios. Such a little twig. Here he is actually looking sexy. Is he in denim cutoffs? He is being sexy. Okay, yes, absolutely. That's hot as hell. So human-sized bee.

No. Oh, my God, I'd die. Okay. Yeah, that's fair. Okay, okay. How about then? All right, so we do like maybe someone who might be brooding Sure

Generally wears a lot of dark colours Alright Big buck teeth Sort of gone Count Chocula Alright, yeah, the general mills Humanoid Cass Let me get a picture up for you, Cash

Again, he has a title It's weird to find out this is your type. Do you know how hard it is for me to do this? Look at that. Look at that. Whoa. I do really like chocolate. Woody share.

Yeah. The question is, do you have to interact with Frankenberry? Yeah. The rest of the crew. I mean, they're just his friends. Yeah. But are they always around you do have a room but it's like a room

he shares with Frankenberry and then Frankenberry leaves for 20 minutes I come home from the end of a very hard day of trying not to do this and I walk in and Count Chocola's there with all his buds and I'm like hey babe and he's like

look at this photo of Frankenberry though. Maybe Frankenberry can get it. Photo. It's a draw. So Frankenberry is just like a pink Frankenstein and look, he a bit sexy. Yeah, he's alright. Frankenstein's in general is one of the sexier

kind of monsters, I think. I don't know, something about... He's well put together. You know it. Now, here don't know, something about... He's well put together. Oh, ho, ho. You know it. And now, here's a quick word from our sponsor. Or just a bit of silence. Either way, I just want to let you guys know that you can listen to myself and Jackson on this week's Cynical Cartoons,

where we chat to Mia about the reboot of Reboot. Search for Cynical Cartoons wherever you listen to podcasts or directly from our website, sanspansradio.com. All right, more General Mills. Boo Barry, just a ghost, just a basic ghost. I'm getting a lot of like... Yes. That's an old design, though.

That looks like a 1920s Boo Barry. Is there a later, sexier version? Is Boo Barry doing like an equivalent of the DreamWorks smirk for some reason? Okay. He looks funny. Funny, sexy. This Boo-Berry, upset with us for some reason.

He's almost flipping us off. I like this Boo-Berry. Inside, I'm on a bike spinner. Man, cereal's changed. So I do just want to say, we did sort of brush over Tony the Tiger earlier, which I think is the clear answer.

I think you're right. I know he's a tiger. He has such a kind heart. I would be Tony the Tiger's best friend. I would die for Tony the Tiger. Do you know what I wouldn't do for Tony the Tiger? Here's the question. Shrek style, all of these mascots, just their personality, they're turned human.

So Tony the Tiger, the human. Yes, come on. Buzz the human. Look at that jaw. Look at that chest. Look at those arms. And a kerchief again, which we've already established for some reason I like.

As a man, just a kerchief. He's great. Let's see if I can find a Tony the Tiger human sonar. Okay, for whatever reason, the humanoid Tony the Tiger, if it was like anti-Shrek, is like if Parcher and Yzma's sidekick had a baby. What if we... I'm getting close.

Searching Tony the Tiger on Google Images is just dangerous. What if we come on big nips full package I don't know what I'm seeing here he doesn't look like a man but what if we shaved him a bit okay so you've grossly

misinterpreted my problem with this just straight up I think you've done it on purpose. What? No. I searched human Tony the Tiger and I hate what I found. But doesn't it look like a mix between Parcher and Yzma's sidekick? Sort of, I guess. Yeah, I'm not wrong.

Yeah, look, for me, currently Tony the Tiger is the clear winner. Yeah, look, Tony the Tiger to me is like number one. Actually, number two, Iron Man man is number one currently because he's just so slippy and like smooth. I found another Tony the Tiger thing where he's slowly becoming a man. Oh, that's good. No.

Wait, okay. So is the serial turning him human or turning him into a tiger? I don't really know. It's bad to go on the internet. I found so many people becoming tigers. I have to go. So where were I've found so many people becoming tigers. I have to go.

Where were we on Lucky the Leprechaun from Lucky Charms? Cass? Look, he's Irish. That's neat. May have brought up an interesting point by calling them humanoid and not a human. The Lucky Charms Leprechaun. They're just a leprechaun. Generally. Okay, so generally not talking about the Lucky Charms Leprechaun. Are leprechaun. They're just a leprechaun. Generally, okay, so generally not talking about the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

Are leprechauns fuckable or are they not human enough for you? Look, I have seen the movie Leprechaun, the Jennifer Aniston classic. And I'm going to, again, I don't mean to be a downer here, but aha, no. I know you just said no, but I don't quite understand. I don't know what's causing this. Did you accidentally mean yes? No. All right.

Look, maybe cereal mascots isn't the way to go. Let's look at some fast food mascots. Oh, that's a good idea. The Burger King. Ronald. Ronald, a clown? Are you kidding me? That's where you jump immediately.

Yeah. All right. KF, the Colonel. Again, what's my issue with rank here I hate this but he does pull rank and that logo looks like he bow ties his arms

and legs very funny is Wendy from Wendy's like as she appears in the commercials which you guys may not have seen we don't know what that means is an adult now is the most conventionally attractive fast food mascot? Yeah, look, this is not me searching

sexy Wendy's. I literally just Googled fast food mascots and they're all hot. Look at that. Oh, look at the Colonel. Hello, Daddy, again. Yeah. I think every... What about Ronald McDonald? Not Ronald McDonald

Sorry, the Hamburglar No I don't know He's a bandit That's sexy I mean, criminals are sexy Yeah He's got a dark side

Exactly Here we go This is the Wendy's girl In the commercials for some reason What? They're like, yeah She just loves She loves cheeseburgers

She can tell a joke Why have they not given her pigtails Like the Wendy's girl normally has? That just might be a photo of the actress. Well, no, this is her in the commercial because she's an adult. For some reason, I don't know why this exists. Again, I wasn't

searching for this. Here we are, though. Every serial mascot mooning... I don't know why this exists. Do you have a different internet than we do what are you doing i just touched it only not safe it's jackson brows it's like i know what else you're searching jackson is this what you want hey do you do you want inexplicably another drawing of the mooning the camera why and also can i point out

i actually didn't search fast food mascots. I searched fast foid mascots. See, that's your folly. But yeah, Ronald McDonald. Let's go through him. Ronald McDonald. Can he get it? No.

I don't like clowns that way. I want to see what he looks like under the makeup and under the suit. Who is Ronald the man? He doesn't take it off. I don't think he does. Yeah, I think that's his skin. What? He hangs out with way too many kids. Yeah, that's true. Have you ever seen Ronald the Man? He doesn't take it off. I don't think he does. Yeah, I think that's his skin. Also, he hangs out with way too many kids.

Yeah, that's true. Like, have you ever seen Ronald McDonald Cannon hangs out with kids all the time? Creepy. Creepy, strange guy. And his friends, Birdie? Birdie? Birdie.

No, that's super messed up. If he's friends with Birdie and then turning her family into nugs. No, no. His friends are mostly food. They're like French fry guys. They're chicken nugget guys. Milkshake.

Gremlin. Who's the milkshake? Grimace. Grimace. Milkshake. I thought Grimace was a taste bud. What? I don't.

No, he was meant to be a milkshake. He's a milkshake? Yeah. Why is he purple? Was there a great milkshake? Because it looks more like a taste bud than a milkshake. Like a zoomed in taste. A singular taste bud.

Yeah. Hey, what about the Cheetos Cheeto? What do we think? Nah. He's too cool for me. He's too cool. I'm just. I don't think the Cheetos Cheeto looks cool.

No. I think the Cheetos Cheeto looks like he was cool 20, 30 years ago. Oh, yeah. It looks like he wants, yeah, he wants to think where he is cool. The Cheetos Cheeto is like a 60 or 70-year-old guy who's given us weed for free for friendship. It's Matthew McConaughey. Yes!

Well, the Cheetos Cheeto has big Matthew McConaughey energy. All right, all right, all right. But like aged another further 20 years. That's real upsetting. Still hanging out with high school girls and someone should call the cops on that. Oh my God. I watched that movie recently.

That's no good. Do you know that cheetah balls apparently look like Cheetos? What? Oh, yeah. I just found a picture of some cheetah balls. As in testicles. Yeah, cheetah testicles, sorry. And they look like Cheetos.

Yeah, here, do you want to see? I mean, sure. Okay, yeah, yeah, they do. There you go. That's not photoshopped? I don't know. You can never be too sure these days. Fine, I'll search cheetah testicles, but this is on you.

I don't want to do this, but for the, you know, so that my integrity remains. It did look very photoshopped and I can't imagine that. Not cheetah festivals, cheetah testicles. I'm not here for cheetah festivals. I can't imagine. Yeah, they're

orange. They're just... Wait, this ones aren't orange, but this ones are. It's almost like maybe one is photoshopped and one aren't. No, but they're different pictures. I'm just getting animal genitals now. I gotta go. Um. I feel like we didn't give the fast food. Okay, Ronald McDonald, no.

Mayor McCheese. Mayor McCheese. Has a title, Cass. Has a title. Has the head of a cheeseburger, but the body of a man. What do we think? Is it the body of a muscular cut man, or is it like a 45-year-old? It's the body of a mayor.

Can I say? Yeah, absolutely.? It's the body of a mare. Can I say Yeah, absolutely. His tongue's a bit of cheese. If we're still doing the bed as to her may I kill him through eating his face? Oh no, that looks

like I'm having a bad dream. Mare McCheese has a fever dream, you're right. I feel I'm sweating now. I can feel me being sweaty and needing sugar and mum's in the other room and I don't want to bother her, but I've got to cry. It's really easy to imagine Mayor McCheese walking down a hallway at you, but sort of like stop motion style, you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah. He's got a hat though. Yeah, I'll take it from his corpse he would make a really great like horror movie villain oh yeah like honestly just take like all the defunct mascots and bring them all into a horror movie where they're like coming up coming back to get their revenge in society i like that as well because i think the those various like fast food places can make burgers or whatever around that horror movie. What do we think about Birdie?

She seems fun. She seems fun, but I don't know. Yeah. Isn't she a kid? She's wearing like a little kid's romp. Yeah, but she's a pilot. You can't be a pilot and be a child. Maybe date.

What is wrong with all of you? She doesn't look like she wants to fuck. If she doesn't want to fuck, that's on her. It's just would you? If given the opportunity, would you? I don't know why, but I get... Look, if she's up for it, I guess...

Wait, does she have a cloaca? Yeah, she's a bird. Stop! I have to ask a question, guys. Grimace. The rat from a bird. Stop. I have to ask a question, guys. Grimace. Oh, the rat from Chuck E. Cheese. Yeah. Chuck Entertainment Cheese himself. Yes, please. No, guys.

The Noid from Domino's. Yes. He's a rebel. I love him. The Noid looks zippy. I don't know why, but he looks zippy. Grimace the taste bud slash milkshake. How is it not obvious what he is?

He looks like a big purple tongue. Yeah, maybe he's a tongue meant to lick the food. He's definitely a thick shake. Yeah. Is that just because he's thick? No, it's because he was meant to be a thick shake. Hey, that's bad. Jack from Jack in the Box.

What the hell is Jack in the Box? He's a businessman. You guys don't have it, I don't think. No. What the hell is Jack in the Box? He's a businessman. You guys don't have it, I don't think. It's bad. Don't go there. He's a businessman. He has a good voice and he has a head that goes on the top of your car antenna.

What is the good voice? Is it like a sexy voice? He's kind of like a Jon Hamm. He's like, hey, this is a guy from Jack in the Box. Today we're talking about this is uh this guy from jack in the box i'm uh today we're talking about our new deals and uh maybe okay maybe yeah jack in the box is is he called jack in the box yeah he's jack either way you can get it i think there's very few serial mascots that i'm just not keen for mascots in general frankly those mascots in general look

to your credit a lot of them are sapient i think I'm just not very discerning, frankly. Surely there are some mascots we've yet to cover that we really should. What about sporting mascots? Sport mascot. Oh, that's good. Oh my god, there are so many I don't understand. Yes, I'm just going to give it a blanket, yes. Okay, alright,

so Cass, let's just, I feel this is going to be a bit easier. Alright, so Cass, we all know it's going to be like the Ironman Nutri-Grain mascot. Oh yeah. Wait, one more, one more sports mascot, please. Sorry to interrupt. It's Grady. I don't know if you guys know Grady in Australia.

He looks like a Sasquatch that just had the face shaved. He looks so happy. Yeah. He's very good. He's very fuckable. Yeah, absolutely. You can get it. Look, I'd be best friends, maybe marry him. We don't have to have that kind of relationship, but I never

want him to leave my side. Alright, you're going through, Zahmed. I'm feeling cast. The only ones really are going to be either very, very human, or at least have a ranking. Can we settle down to say five? Five is so many.

The Colonel? Yes. At one time. Cap'n Crunch. That's up to Cass. Cap'n Crunch. The Iron Man. Yeah.

From Nutri-Grain. I don't know why I went for five. Yeah, I don't know why either. Count Chocula. Count Chocula. Oh, yeah. She's a Count. Jack from Jack in the Box.

Jack from Jack in the Box. No. The Burger King. The Burger King. That's a king. Is it a person? He's like King Willy Weedy, but not a wheat. Okay, let's rank him then.

Let's go number five. There's the Burger King, just so you can have a peep. He's got a very plasticky face. I don't know why. It doesn't change. Yeah, no expression. But I guess it's better than the alternative.

All right, so out of all of those, who are your top three? Okay, Burger King. I'm just trying to think. I have to write them all down because it's surprising that they're just not always at the forefront of my mind. So Burger King, Iron Man, Colonel colonel sounders count chalk you love yes captain crunch captain crunch don't forget the crunch man okay that crunch so looking looking at them now sure um let's rank them five to one okay burger king a new addition i'm gonna put him

at five okay that's yeah plasticky face Plastic-y face. Highest rank. So let it be known. I'm not all about ranks, but four out of five of these are rankable. They have authority to sell me a biscuit and a milk. We're going to go Burger King. Yeah. That's number five.

Then we're going to. This is going down. So one will be the ideal man. Sure. Number four actually will be Colonel Sanders. Okay. Yeah. I would rank Colonel Sanders higher, but it's not my list.

No, no, no. Fair enough. It's too old for me. I know it's a controversial choice, but I'm realizing that the things I love about Colonel Sanders are often replicated in parodies. Okay. And I just think I love the South.

Obviously not what Colonel Sanders represents. Yeah, sure, sure. The ideas of the South. I'm falling for that. I'm not falling for him. You're falling for the Southern The ideas of the South. You know, I'm falling for that. I'm not falling for him. You're falling for the Southern charm rather than the gentleman. That's exactly it. You're so right.

You've hit the nail on the head. It's not fair to the Colonel for me to play with his chicken-crusted heart like that. Next up, we're going to go Captain Crunch. Okay. I'm shocked at how deep into this Captain Crunch has gotten. Yeah, I might actually put him at two. Okay.

Wow. You're second and third. You came for the captain. Equal place. I can't rank one above the other. Captain Crunch, again, rank. And he can take me to the sea. That's pretty exciting.

Has a boat. Has a boat. He's a captain. Authority. I get it. Yeah. I reckon he would have seen lots. He dresses quite smartly.

Yeah, sure, sure. He could fill me with stories until the end of days. Okay. Equal place. Count Chocula. Okay, fair enough. I've always been one for an emo bad boy. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

You know, his title aside. And the wealth I would receive. I just love chocolate and I love the goth aesthetic. Yeah, for sure. Number one, Iron Man. The Iron Man. The scream out ranks are ranked. Oh!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, for sure. I want the cinder block life. I'm happy to just hang off the arm of this slick man. Oh, he's so slick and smooth. And his strength and his screams. I'm happy to just hang off the arm of this slick man. He's so slick and smooth. And his strength and his screams. I want him to be the rooster that wakes me up every day.

Look, I think we all expected that the Iron Man would win, but I'm so shocked at how far down General Mills, Captain and Count found themselves. I also think I'd like to take back, I will fuck the Orange M&M. I've been thinking on it. Yeah, I know. So I guess that was very hard for Cass to rank the ones.

But now, Jack, I want you to rank the ones you wouldn't. Okay. Because I don't think we found one, did we? The Cookie Crisp Wizard, no. All right, I'm going to get my five least fuckables. So Cookie Crisp Wizard, the Noid. No. All right. I'm going to get my five least fuckables. So Cookie Crisp Wizard. The Noid. Yeah.

Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Who just sucks? Like, who would you just not want to be around? Frank and Barry seems annoying. Yeah.

The Cheetos. The Cheetos Tiger. Yeah. And let's get a fifth one in there. Oh, my God. I'm trying to think about the old people maybe the sun because i don't want to raise dick all right so the raisins the raisins so number five least fuckable probably going to be the noise because i don't know what the the noise reminds me of that homunculus they made where it's like, you know, the bigger and more sensitive the area

is, the bigger it is on the body. You've seen this homunculus? Those homunculi, yep. So, Herbinoid, then the California Raisins, because not only are they old, they're also raisins. There's a lot of them. Then maybe the Cookie Crisp Wizard, because something about

him is very sexless. Yeah. That's not really my choice. I think that's the Cookie Crisp Wizard's choice. And then what we'll make, Frankenberry can come next. In terms of that, I reckon the ghost one, he seemed very sexless. Yeah, but not

fast. So Frankenberry and then the son as the most least fuckable or the least most fuckable of all the cereal mascots but every single other one can basically get it i need everything to add i mean i found one that i should have brought up earlier this is tomb guess oh this is the am pm it's like a gas station convenience store he's made up of fast food so his his hair is red vines his face

is a hot dog and a cheeseburger and cookies and then he's got like cheeto beard and chip body wow and then like i've never seen something that encapsulates most and least fuckable person i just want to be his friend like I want to be this guy's fucking best friend. Look at him. I want to live next door to that guy. I want to eat him alive. Look, same. Well, I guess we've learned today that Cass

is just uncontrollably attracted to authority. What? No! is just uncontrollably attracted to authority. What? No. And I'm just not discerning about what I fuck. No, you're doing the thing where it's correlation, not causation. They just keep putting the humanoids in ranks when you do serial.

I guess. I mean, I guess. Stop. You've convinced no one. There are no women and there are all bosses. What about your Wendy? Well, she doesn't have a rank. That's the problem.

So I think we can all agree that Tony the Tiger is the most fuckable mascot. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Kaz. I've been Jackson. I've been Mia.

And where can we find you, Mia? I am on Twitter at StopTweetingMia and I don't know, I used to podcast. Who knows Jackson I've been Mia and where can we find you Mia? I am on Twitter at Stop Tweeting Mia and uh I don't know I used to podcast who knows if I'll ever do it again rock on

you'll be the first to say if you do thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at SansPantsRadio or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13.

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Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.