Plumbing the Death Star - Could You Handle The 12 Days of Christmas?

Episode Date: December 22, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most procedurally generated podcast network. land then do we have great news for you dinosaur land is coming to sanspantsplus.com on january 1st 2020 all you have to do is sign up to sanspantsplus.com at any level from now until january 31st and you'll get access to the complete playthrough new year's morn get in quick because come february it'll only be available to Sandspants Kings. So just head to sandspantsplus.com today and sign up so you can enter the new year listening to the terrible atrocities that Adam and Cass unleash onto an unsuspecting dinosaur land. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star where we ask the important questions like first of all happy Christmas, second of, could you handle the 12 days of Christmas?

So I guess the three of us are dating a maniac, yes. I said happy, not merry. That was intentional. Hope your Christmas is good. Smile. But not jolly. Yes, we are all dating. Our true love.

Our Christmas maniac. They just love the hell out of Christmas. But I have to assume that they are overseas and we are receiving packages. It's the war. The year is 1942. We're in the trenches. It's Christmas. The trenches.

It was written in like the early 1900s. So if anything, it is like the World War I. World War I, we're still in the trenches. Rewind. When did you say it was written? Early 1900s. So if anything, it is like the World War I. World War I, we're still in the trenches. Rewind. When did you say it was written? Early 1900s. 1909. You know 1990? You know when we were fighting the Kaiser? You know.

1991, I'm pretty sure. I thought you said 19th century in my brain. I was like, hang on, when did World War I happen to me? But it turns out it was me, in fact, that was the dumb one. So, the first thing that arrives in the trench. I was like, hang on, when did World War I happen to me? But it turns out it was me, in fact, that was the dumb one. So, the first thing that arrived in the trudge. Day one! Day one!

On the first day of Christmas, my true love said to me, a partridge in a pear tree. Don't look up what a partridge is. It's a bird. Yeah, but what kind? A partridge. Yeah, that doesn't help. Describe a partridge, JD. Two wings, a beak, a head.

Two legs. That's any bird. Yeah. Medium sized. Okay, they are medium sized. And how many wings? Two. How many legs?

Well, two. Can you confirm it has a head? Yeah. I have nailed this description. It looks pissed off. It does look quite mad. Yeah, it's got like an anger to it. You've shown me a picture and it's exactly how I imagined it

and described it. Well, okay, now I can look up a pear tree, I guess. It's a tree that grows pears. Yeah, but I gotta know what kind... Christ, you two. Holy shit, pear trees are huge! Yeah. Yeah, well, obviously well, guess... Well, I thought it might be like an apple tree, which isn't as big. Yeah, well, obviously, well, yes.

Well, I thought it might be like an apple tree, which isn't as big. Well, obviously, they're giving us probably like a sapling. Oh, that makes sense. I wouldn't be like, here is a fully formed. But the partridge is in it. The partridge is in it. Yes, but a partridge could be on the pot. Yeah, I don't know if that's the implication.

Because, again, you don't, when you're moving, I mean, I guess you could lift up the whole tree, roots and all, then plant it. Yeah. But that seems insane, which is going in our Christmas maniacs theme. So, okay. I mean, they wrote a song, so digging a hole and stealing a tree is child's play compared to that.

Okay, so we hear the wonderful sounds of construction work as it beep, beep, beep, beep. It's cool that they invented trucks as well. Trucks existed. Trucks already existed. I forgot you don't know what history was. Do trucks beep when they're reversed, though? Probably not.

Got a tree. He sat on the back and went beep. Oi, oi, oi, oi. All right. So I reckon I can handle someone building a tree with a bird in it. Building a tree. Planting a tree, whatever. Presumably the moment the tree plants, the partridge flies away.

And I'm like, was that part of the gift? Thanks for the pear tree. Surely it's got to be a smaller pear tree just to fit one partridge. Well, no, because you could have one partridge in any tree. I mean, yes, but it is being specific. The tree needs to be big enough for the bird to fit in it. Yes, but it also needs to be small enough for just the one. No, that's insane.

That's right. Yeah, no, that is insane. If there was one magpie in a gargantuan tree, bigger than anything that had ever been seen, you would be like, that tree that is insane. If there was one magpie in a gargantuan tree bigger than anything that had ever been seen, you would be like, that tree's too big. Before we start screaming at each other, what Joel Zabit means is statistically, if the tree is big, it will have more than one bird.

What I'm saying is if our lover is making a point to be like, this has a partridge in it, then it must mean that the partridge is kind of relative to the pear tree. Oh, no, he's lost me again. Yeah, I don't agree. That's insane. The tree could be of any size. Because if our lover gave us a giant fucking elm

and was like, there's a squirrel in that. I'm like, you've just given me an elm. Shut the fuck up. You don't know if there's a squirrel. But he's like, hey. No, but he specifically put a squirrel in. I'm back, there's a squirrel in that. I'm like, you've just given me an elm. Shut the fuck up. You don't know if there's a squirrel. But he's like, hey. No, but he specifically put a squirrel in. I'm back on Joel's. Well, I'm back on Jackson's side.

Because Joel's being like, there's a partridge in a pear tree. The partridge needs to be significant. And if the tree's too big, then you're just like, it doesn't matter. Because the tree is the gift. Like, who gives a shit about the pear tree? No, but specifically, our maniac partner has said, there's a partridge in the tree. The partridge is part is the gift. Like, who gives a shit about the bird tree? No, but specifically, our maniac partner has said, there's a partridge in the tree. The partridge is part of the gift.

I agree. But you wouldn't phrase a sentence like that again. Why would I not? The partridge is probably pretty expensive. You'd be just like, this is a pear tree. And I've heard, I've put a partridge in it. If I bought you a gold box and said, there's a sneeze in here, you're not like, the sneeze is the gift.

It's more like, if you bought me a gold box that had one ant in it, and you were like, there's a sneeze in here. You're not like, the sneeze is the gift. It's more like if you bought me a gold box that had one ant in it, and you were like there's an ant in this box, there's still an ant in the box. But I wouldn't be like, for the first day of Christmas, I got you an ant in this gold box. Yeah, you idiot. Why would you not? If the ant is a specific part of the gift.

Because the ant is so tiny and insignificant. And hates us. How does size have anything to do with any of this? I stand by what I've said. It's because the ant is so tiny and insignificant. And hates us. How does size have anything to do with any of this? I stand by what I've said. It's because the significant... So you're thinking of just... They've said there's a partridge, so there's a partridge. But human beings don't work like that.

They place significance on the most significant thing. So if the tree is eight stories tall and there's one bird in it, who gives a flying fuck... But the bird was specifically placed by our partner. Fine. Right? So if I bought a partridge and I brought a pear tree and I'm like, the Joles would love this.

And I put the partridge in the pear tree despite how big the tree is. Also, they're giving it to us. So even though they are a maniac and we say, yes, they could dig up a whole tree roots and all, it makes more sense if they give us a potted pear tree. Then they would say a pear sapling, not a pear tree. I'm with

Jackson here. Because, you're right, it's not a sapling. It has to be a tree because also it hasn't bared fruit. Yeah, absolutely. And to fit a bird in a partridge, as I described earlier, medium size, two birds, two wings. Two birds, two a bird in a partridge, as I described earlier, medium size. Yeah. Two birds, two wings.

Two birds, two wings, two a partridge. Hey, there's valid points on both sides. Anyway, so clearly that first gift tears us apart. And it's the first of many to come. On the second day of Christmas. My question is, before we move on. I know we want to. I would love to.

I'm already at the second day. Are we stacking? On the first day of Christmas, sure, he gives us a portion of pear tree. On the second day of Christmas, yes. Two turtle doves and a partridge, and I think it's stacked. So every day we're getting another fucking pear tree? Yeah. And another partridge.

That's basically an orchard. That's cool. Yeah, we're getting a forest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where am I going to put this, you insane maniac lover of ours? Well, we'll find a place in the backyard. Look, well, just to ease Joel Zammett's mind, let's say that it's a tree, but let's just call it Christmas tree size.

Well, let's say it's an immature pear tree. Yeah, it's still a tree. It's not a sapling. It's not in a little pot. Yeah. It's a tree. It's taller than you. Yeah.

But let's say it's not it's eight foot yeah it's the beginnings of an orchard but give us time yes then it'll be a proper one so i have to assume it stacks because two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree on the second day on the second day they gave me two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree yeah i think later in the song you find the things that stacked are actually just actions so that's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the gifts stack. The partridge and the pear tree, we're getting that every day. He's wrangled a lot of partridges

and a lot of pear trees. Yeah, because if it didn't stack then the line would be... Okay, look, maybe our maniac love is alright. Maybe they've gone to a pear tree salesman and they've been like, I would like a pear tree. And he's like, well, you can get like for 12. For the price of 10.

Our partner loves a bargain. For the price of 10, you can get 12. Maybe he started off like, oh, I want one Pairtree. He's like, well, you know, if you buy two, you can get a third one free. He's like, really? And each Pairtree comes with its own partridge. Who they now? You know when you go to a baker and they give you a dozen bread rolls or whatever?

Same deal on trees. But isn't a baker's dozen 13? Yes. They got 13 trees. They kept one for themselves. Yes, to remind them of us. Yeah. Yeah, because if it didn't stack, it would say on the second day of Christmas, if you

love to come to me, two turtle doves in addition to the earlier partridge in a pear tree. And that's not how the line goes. You're right. So what's a turtle dove? A dove. Yeah, but let's have a... Why do So what's a turtle dove? A dove Why do you not want me to look? You can look, it's a dove It's more like a pigeon

That's a turtle dove It is a dove But it looks more like a pigeon It's a dove with turtle shell wigs It's kind of pretty He's won over And then you looked at it again, and you're like, oh.

That's all right. I wasn't criticising. I'd be happier if it was a pigeon. Just keep looking. Look up pigeon. So again, as with any bird, it goes. I'm like, what's this? And I open the packet, and they're like, and I'm like, oh.

You've given us pear trees. Are these birds eating our pears? I mean, we can eat them. Well, no, because they just left. They play quick enough. Are they also attracting more birds? Is that how birds work? Well, when there's a pear tree or a fruit tree, yes.

Oh, no, yeah. I thought you meant are the turtle doves attracting more birds? Do birds attract more birds? Sometimes they do And how, you know, attractive And their particular mating call So, yes Yeah, look, personally I think when it comes to handling the two turtle doves

They go away I don't know how to look after birds Unless they're homing pigeons No, they're turtle doves Are they homing turtle doves? I'm sorry Fuck me Have they been trained to be homed?

Have they? Well, that's up to us. Oh, really? It's up to our maniac lover. How are we getting them? In a cage? Because if they're in a cage, then they're already in a cage. We're not losing them. I'm assuming... Have they got an aviary? Well, if you get... We don't.

We have... Your backyard. The studio's backyard. Which could fit one tree. Less than one pear tree. Also, I just think the partridges are going. Because it's like, I'm not catching them. Partridge because it's just a tree. Do we have an aviary?

Or can we get an aviary? We can buy one. And can we put a partridge in one? How much are aviaries? Google it. If you want to go and catch, if you want to climb the pear trees to catch the partridge. How are they delivering the partridge? The partridge comes in the pear tree.

Okay. Okay. Okay. I've got a pear tree with partridge in it at the pear store. Yes. And the partridge store. Okay. We put it in what?

The car? No, I imagine when the big man delivered the tree to us, they lay it down. Then one of them comes with a little cage and he takes the partridge out and he places it in the tree. And then we're like, oh, okay. And then he writes the tree and the partridge flies away. How much is an aviary? So they've already collected the partridge.

About four, Hondo. We're not buying an aviary. I'm certainly not spending. I'm just releasing the turtledoves. I'm buying another Nintendo Switch Now I can play multiplayer with myself Lucky Alright we ready for the third day of Christmas

So we've still got the turtle doves Because again if you buy someone birds as a present Are we holding these doves No we're not they're in a cage I was imagining them coming in a present. Yeah, but like... Like a wrapped present. So we've got bird cages.

Like we put a canary in? This is going to alarm you. Yes, exactly like that. Okay. Except the partridge, which is in the pear tree. You don't put a cage... Unless the cage is hanging from the tree. Yeah.

Because then you would still say that's a partridge in a pear tree. Now I've got to go feed it? Yeah. Of course. What do you think happens when someone gives you a pet? You let it die. I'll keep mine. You can open the door and let yours fly away because I have a feeling more

are to come. I might go and buy an aviary. I can find out how they deliver turtle doves from turtle doves. You find that out. I'm going to buy an aviary because I just have a sinking suspicion that we're going to get a lot of fucking birds. Yeah, you can do that. I'm going to buy an Avery because I just have a sinking suspicion that we're going to get a lot of fucking birds. Yeah, well, you can do that.

I'm releasing them. Yeah, this might pave its way into Jackson's theory of birds attract birds. Because we had no birds, then we had Bonbird, now we have three birds. And get ready, on the third day of Christmas, the website I found was for scarves, my true love sent to me three French hens,

two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Our three birds are now... Let me get a calculator out. No. So... Ten. We've got ten birds. Provided, but the partridge flew away, so we've got eight birds.

Because both partridges are gone. French hens don't fly if they're just normal hens. I put them on the curb. No, boys! Three hens don't fly If they're just normal hens I put them on the curb No boys Free hens Chickens would be good, maybe they lay eggs Yeah, I don't like eggs Jack, look, I live in

Suburbia, we're going to your folks Because they live a little bit in the country I'm pretty sure there's a paddock Yeah, release the hens I reckon I could probably look after hens in this household Yeah? Three hens, there's a paddock. Yeah, release the hens. I reckon I could probably look after hens in this household. Yeah? Three hens. There's a backyard.

What do hens need? Seed. Seed? Oh, they need a hatch. A hatch. A home to shit eggs. All right. So there is currently construction happening next door to us, right?

They've probably done the surveying stuff. And in the middle of the night, I reckon what we can do is we'll get our fence, pick it up, push it back a little. Suddenly we've got now more room for hens. We're expanding the backyard by stealing the neighbor's land. They will be none of the wiser. The next day they'll be like, hang on a minute, wasn't this bigger? And we'll be like, no.

I don't think so. Fun kind of story about that. When my parents built their house 15 years ago, the builders fucked up and one room was just one metre shorter. They didn't realise until three years later when they were trying to put in a bigger bed. That's amazing. That rules. Builders just build wall wrong.

And then just didn't say anything. I just googled three French hands. I hope they look like this. I'm going to start committing property theft. So you're three days in, you're already stealing people's backyards. I assume we've got 12 days of this. So we're down three. It's nine more days.

There's going to be lawyers involved. I reckon that won't be. It's already Christmas. It's December. So they're going to be lawyers involved i reckon that won't be in it's already christmas yeah it's december so they're gonna look we're fine for a bit does the 12th day i always get confused with the 12 days of christmas is the 12th day christmas day i would assume i guess so yes so it starts on the 13th of december yeah i would imagine so um hey so just just to remind me how many how many birds do we currently have? So have the partridges left? For me, yes.

No, but like, can we agree that if we've got a bird in a tree, that they're gone? It's gone, yeah. So we had 10, but now we've got eight. Okay, cool. Just checking. All right. You ready for the fourth day?

Yep. On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Hey, you know how you said that birds attract birds? I reckon calling birds absolutely attract more birds. Three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Hey, you know how you said that birds attract birds? I reckon calling birds absolutely attract more birds. A hundred percent. So we're letting them go, right?

The calling birds? But they're just going to hang out in the pear trees. That's true. So. Oh, no. The partridges come back. The partridges may come back. Does that leave us with 20 birds? No. How many partridges come back. The partridges may come back. Does that leave us with 20 birds?

No. How many partridges have we caught? So that's seven. Yeah. We're on 17 birds. That's too many fucking birds. I'm sure my math's going to just collapse on me at some point. Hang on.

So there was, what, four calling birds. Yeah. Three French hens. That's seven. Yeah. Two turtle doves. That's nine. And a partridge in a pear tree. That's ten. There was, what, four calling birds, three French hens, that's seven, two turtle doves, that's nine, and a partridge and a pear tree, that's ten. So we just added ten to eight, but then two birds came back due to the calling birds.

There were 20 birds. There were three birds. And even 20. And four trees. And four trees. And you know what? Maybe even more birds, because there's probably going to be some birds in the area that have're like oh like oh pears and also calling birds and also being like

that's the noise they make and i'm assuming if they're like little tiny calling birds they may get like predators so we're getting like bigger birds okay let's say maybe like a magpie shall i add another 10 birds and also stray cats and now a quick word from our sponsors also hey plumbing is all cranberries and spice but did you know that we produce at least eight other podcasts like maybe you wish dusha was missing presumed dead and instead it was just zamit jackson and their good friends adam and cass immersing themselves in the fantasy world of Dungeons & Dragons and pretending to be elves or whatever. If this sounds like you, then why not head to sanspantsradio.com

and search for D&D is for Nerds, our Dungeons & Dragons real-play podcast that's far better than it is any right to be. So add two cats. Okay, hang on, I've got to get a notepad out on my phone. So 20 birds. My phone and laptop. Okay, yeah.

20 to 30 birds. 20 to 30. 20 to 30 birds. Two and laptop. Okay, yeah. 20 to 30 birds. 20 to 30. 20 to 30 birds. Two cats. Two cats. Four trees. Okay, four trees. Yes. Alright. Stolen backyard. Oh yeah,

stolen backyard. Just to remember. Okay. Okay. Day five. Day five. Boom, boom. On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love said to me, this is the first time it's a non-bird gift. Five golden rings? Oh, that's sick.

Hang on. First off, before we get to these lovely rings, we all get one each and then two we have to fight over. Two we have to throw out so we don't fight over them. Two we give to the birds. No, those two cats. Put a ring on their tail. A magpie steals two.

Why does our lover love birds? I don't know. Why do we love our lover? Why does our lover think we love birds? Did we say something? Yeah, did we accidentally mention, like, were we at the zoo? And I was like, I actually quite like birds. Now we're fucking in it.

I like eggs. Did I offhandedly say one time to be like, it'd be nice if we had our own hens to lay eggs? I've never mentioned birds. I just kept talking about Nintendo Switch. Yeah. Okay. Wait, is this a proposal?

Is he proposing to us? Where's my Switch? Five golden rings. Yep. Hey, is this a proposal? Where's my switch? Five golden rings. Yep. Hey, is this a proposal? Is this a proposal? Are there two other people involved in this relationship we don't know about?

Or is it meant to be for like a hand? Oh, yeah. Whoever they like most get two and I presumably get one. On your thumb. It doesn't fit. Is this big one but not big enough for me on my thumb? My thumb is red. Then, obviously, four calling birds.

So then another ten birds. Another ten birds. Plus one they attract. Minus maybe a couple because the cat's got them. So let's call it currently. I reckon the partridges look pretty plump. I reckon the cat's got them. Let's call call it currently. I reckon the partridge look pretty plump. Yeah. I reckon the cat's got them. Let's call it 30 to 35 birds we're currently rocking.

Yeah. And five golden rings. Couple more cats probably. All the strays are coming in. Yeah, okay. More cats. At the pace of all the pear trees just mewing. We've got four cats now, I reckon.

Four cats. Yeah, five trees. Five trees. Still got a stolen backyard. Yeah, yeah. Five golden rings, which we're confused about. I'll write next to that in my notes are we married

engaged potentially engaged question mark okay so how are we how are we coping so far we're struggling I'm stressed

because I know that like lawyers are going to be banging down the door soon I've got some angry construction workers yelling at me. I'm stressed because I want to let all the birds go, but clearly you guys don't.

Well, try and let them go now. See what happens. I'll have to chop down the tree. Jackson, we've never not let the birds go. Jackson, in fact, we have. We have. Well, let's burn down the pear trees. You'll burn down the house.

How about this? We'll make a fire pit. Cut down some of the trees and make a fire pit. On the fifth night of Christmas it will have a lovely fire pit. One week remains. We burn everything.

Look, we burn the pear trees and guess what's for dinner? Yeah, okay. Lovely roast turtle doves. Bringing us back to zero birds. Why are we eating the hens? People eat hens. I assume we're eating all the birds. We're having an avian feast.

Look, we'll invite everyone around. Look, this is going to be, I assume now, the first of May. We'll have a sans pants feast. Yeah. All right? We'll put it out to everyone. everyone around. Look, this is going to be, I assume now, the first of the Sands Pants Feast. Alright? We'll put it out to everyone. Hey guys, we're having a roast bird. Bring a plate. Yes, we'll say yes. It's all chicken

baby. It's all chicken in the dark. The dinner's in the dark. You're lit by the burning fire In the background So zero birds Five cats Because I assume another one came

Because they're feeding them now Let's call it six cats They can smell the cook and chicken Zero trees, stolen backyard Five golden rings I could probably a letter from the council Letter from the council at this point. Letter from the council.

You live in suburbia. You cannot have a bonfire. That's a crime. That's a fire hazard. And it is December, so it's going to be kind of hot here. Yeah, there's probably a total fire. Well, hopefully it wasn't a total fire. And one call from the fire department.

Are you okay? One visit from the fire department pop. Are you okay? One visit from the fire to pop. Okay. Day six. On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love said to me, six geese are laying. Are laying? You get geese eggs?

They're laying constantly. What's wrong with these sick geese? That's what geese do. They lay eggs. But not permanently. But they're currently laying. Yeah, but they're always currently laying. They're always laying?

Yeah. Nah, I think... We get them as they shit an egg. Yeah. Okay, six geese are laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three franken, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Down to one tree, which is manageable.

Uh-huh. One tree we can deal with. Got 16 birds again. 16 birds. Well, we're letting them out. We're back up to the birds. Six eggs. Let's call that 10 cats because they know that occasionally food arrives. We're just watching these cats.

Wholesale slaughter birds. 10 golden rings. Oh, wait, no. Geese. They're big. You scared the cats away. All right. Five cats.

No, no, no. It'll be zero. Zero cats. All right. That's fair. Those geese are huge. Okay. Oh, we got geese eggs now, though.

Yeah, but are they going to hiss at us? Yes. Yeah, I'm not going outside anymore. Okay. And we've lost one backyard. I'm going to hiss at us? Yes. I'm not going outside anymore. Okay. And we've lost one backyard. I'm going to go negative one backyard. Can you put brackets? Geese's yard now.

Geese's yard. Okay. Well, that's a frightening situation to find ourselves in. At least I've got ten rings. Exactly. So I'm wearing a ring on every finger. Can... All right, question.

I've got all ten. I'm So I'm wearing a ring on every finger. Can... All right, question. I've got all ten. I'll not reopen this wound. Yes. Can we fit a pear tree in the house? Yes, if it's... If it's lying down, sure. We can put it in the lounge room. Lying down, a horizontal tree.

All right, when they deliver it, can I hack off the top so it stays inside? Yes. Yes. Yes. All right. We have a. Oh, no. Yeah. There's a bird in the house.

There's a partridge in that pear tree. That's in your house. That's in the house. So 15 birds outside. One bird inside. All right. And remember, boys, birds attract birds. We're in for it.

Oh, yeah, because now there's calling birds again. Is this partridge going to act like, say, a fly where I'll open the door and try to shoo it out and it won't go? If you spend enough time shooing it, it'll leave you eventually. Alternatively, it'll fly into a window and die. Alternatively, because, as we have said,

birds attract other birds. Birds fly in. You'll open the window and get. Alternatively, because, as we have said, birds attract other birds. Birds fly in. You'll open the window and get swarmed by a flock. Oh, wait. Geese. They're unruly. Can you just write down, our home now belonged to Goose?

Okay, negative one backyard, Geese's yard. No, you wouldn't lose. You've lost your backyard. You would keep your house for the time being. You're not coming in through the window. No, if I open the, like in the backyard, the door to outside. Well, you opened the back door. Yeah, I opened that to

shoo out the partridge. I reckon us three grown men could handle six geese. We can handle one goose. We can handle one. Yeah. There's six. So I'm gonna put that down to... Goose is now in the house. Yeah, goose in house. We're cohabiting

The backyard may be their territory But at least that one trapped goose Okay Day seven On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me Seven swans are swimming Six geese are laying Swans are swimming?

Yeah I said swans Seven swans are swimming Has he made a port swans. I was confused. Seven swans are swimming. Has he made a port pond for us? Five golden rings. What's happened? Four calling birds, three French heads, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pet tree. I imagine it's a tub full of water.

Yeah. A bath rocks off. Can you write negative one bathroom? Yeah. It's the swans now. Oh, that's seven swans in that little tub. Swans now. Can somebody do that bird math for me?

We had 15. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. That's too many. Too many. So that's a lot. That's a lot of birds. I'll just write heaps of birds outside. That's 23 we just got delivered.

Yeah. Over the top of our 15. And where are we putting this pear tree? Yeah, are we keeping this one inside as well? I mean, I guess, look, if we can try and, look, we'll open up, we'll huck it. Yeah. We'll huck it for feed for the goose. Yeah, sounds

good. Maybe the goose leaves when we open the door. Yeah. Okay, well, we got the goose, we got our back, no, we got the goose out of the house. We got the house back, but we've got seven. We got the house back, but we lost the bathroom. Yeah, but there's a lot of swans in this. Also, ring, ring. Oh, it's the council.

One phone call from the council. Okay. Oh, man. It went from a letter to a phone call. It's personal now. And now they know that we got it. Okay. And shall we call that two visits from the fire department?

One visit from the police. Yeah. Is there some kind of like animal cop? Yeah. One visit from animal control slash Ace Ventura. Alrighty then. Okay. We are rapidly losing territory in our house.

And all of us are stinky. But wait a second. Geese are laying, right? Does that mean that we don't get an additional six geese, they just keep laying? Oh, that's a good question. So maybe we're just stuck with six geese.

Alright, okay, that's good. But twelve eggs. The egg number rises. Yes. Okay. Minus maybe two eggs for me for breakfast. Make that four. I'm curious to try goose eggs. Let's call that eight eggs currently then. Alright.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, eight maids are milking. What? What are they milking? Are they milking themselves? Oh no. Do we have eight lactating maids? Yes, I assume so. Or are they trying to milk the swans?

If our lover mentioned the partridge in the pear tree, they would mention a cow. So I have to assume that they're milking themselves. Okay. Why is our lover dumb? Is this a threat? Seven swans are swimming, six geese are laying, five golden rings four calling

birds three french ones two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree i think i think that the swans are still swimming i don't think it's another i think that yeah just like the the geese are laying same thing yeah same swans are swimming do we have anything here that the maids could be milking or are they milking themselves or they just there to milk whatever's available like are they there to milk say if we had a cow but we don't but we have a geese and maybe the neighbor's cats i don't can you milk a cat you can milk a cat you can milk pretty much anything but should you know and you god hates it milk a cat let's find a dangerous thing to milking a cat and this is from the milkitapp.com. Can you milk it?

Yes. Yeah. Can we milk a cat? You can milk any mammal except a platypus. Yes, even a cat. Great news. All right, cool. Because while the geese may be controlling the backyard,

the cats are still going to be wily and may want to either tussle with those geese or wait for those calling birds. As you recall... Oh, okay. So you're saying the cats are back. I reckon the cats will be on the fence line staring up at those birds with delicious hangry grins. I reckon all of them, if not more. Let's call it ten cats.

How many glasses of milk is that? At least three. Okay. Let's call that three glasses of cat milk. It's good for kittens. That's what I say. I drink it in the kitchen. Kittens drink this shit all the time. I throw up.

It's thick as hell. And furry. Can you add one spew to the list? I never realized that milk could be gamey. But it's a little gamey. We call it a savory milk. But I have it in my coffee. Oh, somehow it curdled. That's weird because itoury milk. Yeah. But I have it in my coffee. Oh, somehow it curdled.

That's weird because it is a milk. Pour it over cereal. Yeah. Now my cereal has the same consistency as steak. That's cool. It's good in protein, I say. Yeah. I'm still spewing, presumably.

Maybe I'll go straight to the source. Find myself amongst some kittens at a stray mama cat. Let's not forget. Sucking on a dirty cat. Just sucking on a dirty cat. Merry Christmas. Wearing a sweater. Christmas sweater, giving a thumbs up.

It's good. It's thick. It's like a toothpaste kind of. Comes out in like a cube toothpaste Kind of Comes out Like a cube Kind of like clack You chew it More than suck it Yeah

You remember Milk duds Yeah Yeah I remember them Right now Because it feels like I'm drinking them I can't even get it

On my moustache Like a milk moustache Because it's so thick Here watch me try it It's so bad Because I know you're describing It as kind of a solid, and the only liquid that looks kind of solid I can think of is pus.

Oh, that is bad. I was thinking like a thick eggnog. Oh. Also bad. Not as bad as pus, though. None of these are ideal. Yeah, stop sucking off that dirty cat. Okay.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me nine ladies dancing. Hey, that's all right. That'll cheer us up. Yeah. Are they trying to be like, have a party? Yeah, I don't know. Do we have some rowdy lasses in the house right now? We're like, get out.

We have too many birds. Oh, no. They just heard the like, and they were like, something's going down at the studio. Let's go and have a good time. Now I guess we've got to feed these ladies. I guess we're having another Avarian feast. Yes, Avarian cleanse.

Okay, so going from heaps of birds outside. Sand Spans Radio is famous. It's all chicken in the dark feast. All right, we get our backyard and bathroom back. Oh, look, I think with the nine ladies dancing, providing a distraction for the geese, I think we might be able to get a couple of them. I reckon I could kill a goose with an umbrella and a golf club.

Yeah. I distract it with the umbrella and I just hit it with a golf club. I reckon the way I do it is I would wait on the roof until the geese walked past and drop a brick on it. That's good. And it would be like, Got another one Cook it up I might try and strangle one

Yeah that's good too Sneak up behind it, grab it around the neck Alright so we've got nine ladies dancing Can you add beak bite to me? Okay Let's call that Open wounds Honk wounds Okay to me. Okay. Let's call that... Open wounds. Six open wounds.

Okay. That's great. So, Nine Ladies Dancing. Shall I write in three tired boys? Yeah. Because we're very tired. It's been a long party. Cats are now back, by the way. Because someone sucked one off. Cats are now

back because, A, they're getting more chicken. Chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were already at 10 cats So now we're at 20 Tired as well from the constant You're tired because you're full of so much milk Oh man it makes you sick But your sleep

Boy is it working I feel like I have heaps of energy Or will after a nap The big sleep After I die I feel like I have heaps of energy or will after a nap. The big sleep. The big sleep. After I die. I hope the council have given us a bit of a breather. Yeah.

The council have let us alone. They're like, oh, the chirping stopped. Yeah, that's good. They lit another bonfire. Another visit from the fireys. Yeah. Two visits. I'll just, I'll up it from.

They threatened to spray us with their hose. Two visits from the fire. Their quote is, it hurts, you know. Alright, we ready for the 10th day? On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, 10 lords are leaping. Are they sent by the council?

Are they jumping the back fence to yell at us? 10 lords are leaping to yell at us. Ten lords are leaping to yell. Oi! Don't light a fire, you maniacs. It's summer. There's so many fucking birds. The smell of burnt feathers coming off of your property

is making everyone sick. It's devalued our castle. Would you like some roast goose, sir? Please eat this swan. Oh, no. That's why the l eat this swan. Oh, no. That's why the lords are leaping. Oh, no, because we're like, hey, here's his army. Oh, yeah.

It's illegal to cook up a swan or something. Yeah, two lords from England are leaping to yell. Yeah, not two. Ten lords from England are leaping to yell. Yeah, that's good. You've upset the queen. Can we placate them with a plate of partridge meat, some swan eggs? Distract them with nine ladies dancing.

Nine ladies dancing and the tenth one we can distract with some forbidden swan meat. Absolutely. And some cat milk. Also, we've just got a fresh delivery of everything again. Not really, because we've dealt with the swans, and we've dealt with the geese. We're no longer having to deal with them. It's just ten more birds. Okay, can you write, so nine ladies dancing,

sore feet. Yes, okay. I'll write 18 sore feet. Yes. Okay. That's good. They're dancing, basically, all night. They've been dancing this whole time. Yeah. That's intense for them. So we've got 10 birds. We've got 10 birds. And 16 sore hands from milking.

Yes. Okay. Wow. We're getting a lot of pained body parts. Because I can't imagine milking a cat's going to be easy. Yeah. And also cat scratch wounds. One sore lips from me.

Yeah. Suck. Yeah. Suck. Yes. And yes, scratch wounds on the ladies, because I'm assuming a lot of cats probably don't want to get milk me. Yeah, suck. Yeah, suck. Yes. And yes, scratch wounds on the ladies, because I'm assuming a lot of cats probably don't want to get milked. Yeah, that's good.

Several scratch wounds. Or sucked off by Jackson. Yeah. Oh, can you put on your face some scratch wounds? Yeah, okay. Yeah. You know when they kick? Yes.

Their back leg? Jackson, you probably also have diarrhea. Yeah, okay. One case of diarrhea. How bad is it to eat nothing but bird meat? Probably bad. Let's call that three cases of diarrhea. I have diarrhea.

I'm like, but I didn't drink the cat milk. This seems unfair. Oh, mixing like a chicken wing with cat milk is very unpleasant. Dipping it in. I imagine Jackson's got the meat of the swan neck and he's dipping it in his milk. The swan neck's the best bit because it's like a straw. Yeah.

Guys, I made cat milk mayonnaise. Drinking nice, fresh, warm cat milk through a swan neck straw that's still muscly. We have so much cat milk. I'm making cat milk mayonnaise. Absolutely. I'm making cat milk mayonnaise. I'm making cat milk cheese. Cat cake. Cat cake.

We're making like, oh, so- Yogurt? Cat milk ice cream. At this point, if someone dropped the bomb on us, I would celebrate. All right, we ready for that one there? I'm furiously tweeting all of the powerful world leaders on Twitter being like, can someone drop the bomb?

Please drop the bomb on your boys. Hashtag get it trending. I'm going to try and have a discussion with the lords that are leaping to be like, hey, we want to go in business. I've got this artisan cat milk idea. Jackson sucks it out and then spits it into a bucket. We make lots of dairy, in quotation mark, products. It's good.

It's all cow milk in the dark. You're not supporting the beef industry. You're supporting, you know, the cattle industry. You're supporting the cat industry. It's good. Yeah. Okay. On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love said to me.

Christmas Eve. Yeah. Christmas Eve, baby. 11 Pipers Piper. Son of a bitch. Shut up. Son of a bitch. Shut up. Son of a bitch. My belly hurts from all the cat milk.

All right. Oi! The queen sends her regards and her regards are bad. Chinkel, chinkle from the coins. I mean, the rings. Oh, yeah. I get so many rings. Maybe we'll be paying off. All right, we're paying off the council and those the coins. I mean, the rings. Oh, yeah. I get so many rings. Maybe we'll be paying off.

All right, we're paying off the counts on those gold rings. I'm sorry, boys. I know you want these. Minus all those rings. All right. Jackson, no, we have to keep one. We've got to keep at least three. No, we've got to keep one because Jackson's got it stuck in his thumb.

Yeah. His thumb's swollen. It hurts. I got to sleep with it raised above my head like I'm giving a thumbs up to the roof. It's all purple. How many trees are we at? I'll just write heaps of. No, because we're back to like three.

Yeah. All right. I'll write. Because we had a bonfire. We had another cookout. Yeah. Yeah. The cookout was day nine.

Yeah. Let's write just. So 10, 11. Yeah. We got three trees. Three trees. All right. Okay.

So the Piper's Piping is going to make sleeping- Cats have gone. They hate it. Yeah, they've run off. Maybe the birds as well. Calling birds are fucked off. Or gotten attracted to- Jackson's screaming, my cat milk!

Come back! I'm so hungry. I'm addicted to it. I think the birds are chuffed off. I need a cat to suck off. But we still got these hens because we keep getting them. Yeah, that's true. And hens aren't going to leave.

There's so many eggs. Look, hens do lay eggs. Yeah. That's good. Eggs are good. A bunch of birds outside. I prefer to eat that than drink cat milk and eat swan eggs. I've sort of developed a taste for it.

I'm eating eggs. Hoping that it slows down my diarrhea. It doesn't. Eggs, bird meat, various bird meats, and cat milk products. Ten lords are leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids are milking, seven swans are swimming,

six geese are laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves that are partridge in a pantry. I reckon the dancing girls have also left because it's Christmas Eve They can get a better party They gotta go home To their families Although

Pipers have just come in More music The tunes are banging Yeah It's a party So look And plus now that Lords are there

Like in the lords Where they'd yell at us But now I think They're like oh Maybe I can get Some sweet Christmas Honeys happening Yeah

Absolutely Alright we ready For the final day? So we've got now nine ladies and ten lords, though. So are we dealing with one sad lord? Why did the wider lord? Because nine and nine. He's going stag. It's cool.

He's got the eight maids of Milken. Yeah, exactly. I'm sure it evens out. And the lords are leaping. Oh, that's what you're talking about. But don't worry, because we got the pipers as well, and on the 12th day of Christmas. Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everybody! We wake up Christmas morning being like, I'm sorry I didn't get anyone a gift. We're dealing with this. I'm very upset to see... All the gifts I'd bought before, I think was it by a goose. I shat the bed. I'm having cat milk withdrawal. I shat the bed.

I'm having cat milk withdrawal. I check my phone and see that I've been banned from Twitter for trying to get a bomb dropped on us. Okay, one ban from Twitter. Okay, on the 12th day of Christmas, my true love sent to me 12 drummers drumming, so the party's getting fucking hard on me. It's good again now. It's got some sweet beats

What I like is that the drummer's drumming is 12 But there are 11 pipers I feel like it's going to be out of sync Oh is it the little drummer boys? Yes 11 pipers piping 10 lords are leaping, 9 ladies dancing 8 maids are milking, 7 swans are swimming

6 geese are laying, 5 golden rings 4 calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. But we've gotten rid of the geese a-laying, we've gotten rid of swans a-swimming. I'm glad that there's a tree, because I can finally hang myself again. I'm going to leave

and search the alleyways for more cats. I found my limit and the moment the drummers walk in, I'm like, I can't do it. What if it doesn't stop? I make another roast.

Joel Zalmut gives in to the 12 days of Christmas lifestyle. We cut down all the remaining. I get the lords to help me. Oh no, I'm about to jump off the tree. You cut it down. I'm like, damn it me. Oh, no. I'm about to jump off the tree. You cut it down. I'm like, damn it. Oh, you shit.

Would you like to hear what we acquired, but like in the form of the 12 days of Christmas? Yes, please. So on the first day of Christmas, I guess I'll just do it. On the next day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a bunch of birds outside. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a bunch of birds outside. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave

to me one bird inside and a bunch of birds outside. On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three sets of trees, one bird inside, and a bunch of birds outside. This is gonna go beyond

12, but whatever. On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me one stolen backyard, three sets of trees, one bird outside, and a bunch of birds outside. On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ten golden

rings that are douches, a stolen backyard, three sets of trees, one bird outside, and a bunch of birds outside. On the Three sets of trees, one bird outside, and a bunch of birds outside. On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a letter from the council. Ten golden rings with the douches. One stolen backyard. Three sets of trees, one bird outside, and a bunch of birds outside.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a phone call from the council. A letter from the council, ten golden rings with the douches, a stolen backyard, three sets of trees, one bird outside and a bunch of birds outside. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two visits from the fire department,

one phone call from the council, one letter from the council, ten golden rings with the douches, one stolen backyard, three sets of trees, one bird outside and a bunch of birds outside. One letter from the council. Ten golden rings that are douches. One stolen backyard. Three sets of trees. One bird outside. And a bunch of birds outside. On the next day of Christmas, much love.

Give to me two visits from the police. Two visits from the party department. A focal from the council. A letter from the council. Ten golden rings that are douches. A stolen backyard. Three sets of trees. One bird outside.

And a bunch of birds outside. On the next day of Christmas, much love love gave to me two visits from animal control slash Ace Ventura, two visits from the police two visits from the fire department, a focal from the council, a letter from the council, ten golden rings that are douches, one stolen backyard three sets of trees, one bird outside and a bunch of birds

outside. I'm gonna go from the very end up so we're not here all day on the last day of Christmas my true love gave to me one band outside. I'm gonna go from the very end up so we're not here all day. On the last day of Christmas, my true love gave to me one band from Twitter, 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers, 3 cases of diarrhea, several scratch wounds on Jackson and the ladies, 1 sore

lip, 16 sore hands, 18 sore hands, 10 lords from England are leaping to yell, 3 tired boys, 6 open wounds, 9 ladies are leaping, 1. Three tired boys. Six open wounds. Nine ladies are leaping. One sick boy. Three glasses of cat milk. Too many eggs.

Two visits from animal control slash face intruder. Two visits from the police. Two visits from the fire department. A phone call from the council. A letter from the council. Ten golden rings that are douches. A stolen backyard. Three sets of trees.

One bird outside. And a bunch of birds outside Merry Christmas To one and all From Plumbing the Death Star to you Straight to you Oh boy, make sure you get appropriate gifts If we've learnt anything

It's that, know your audience Don't buy trees Or birds And on that note note I've been Joel I've been Jackson and I've also been Joel Merry Christmas Merry Christmas

thank you keep subscribing thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at SansPantsRadio or you can find us

individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsADad and I'm at GodDammitZammit if you want to hear our other shows you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com

Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.