Plumbing the Death Star - Could You Physically Beat World 1-1?

Episode Date: February 23, 2020

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Sants Pants Radio, Australia's most biased podcast network. In the summer of 2019, Joel Zammett turned to me and said, what can we do for this year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival that isn't just a live podcast like we always do? And I turned to him and I said, what if I did a quiz show that heavily featured my belly and hucked a loogie at everything that is good and decent? And from that conversation big deal was born and we did it at that year's melbourne international comedy festival and no one called

the cops and so we're doing it again that's right you have another chance to see the greatest show on earth big deal at this year's melbourne international comedy festival head to sans pants radio.com forward slash live right this fucking instant to grab yourself some tickets and make sure you're there to witness what i'm sure critics will call a sin hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask important questions like could you physically beat World 1-1? So, World 1-1. Mario.

Super Mario Brothers. Super Mario Bros. Yes. Mario couldn't make it that day. Yeah, so the funny voice. Do we also start off with one line? Yeah, we start off little. Yeah, how big?

All right. Well, us, we're half us. Well, how much bigger does Mario get? He doubles in size. Well, then we're half our height. From your torso down, but it's all you. Okay. Do we get overalls? Yeah, we can be dressed like Mario.

So Princess Peach or Princess Toad still has been kidnapped. Mario plumbing. He's plumbing. He's off plumbing. Yeah. They've opened the phone book and they've looked for a plumber. They've accidentally called plumbing the Death Star. We roll.

It doesn't sound like plumbing. Yeah, whatever. Sure. Okay. It's got nothing to do with plumbing. All right. Challenge one is the Goomba. Yes.

There's one single Goomba walking very gently towards us. Now, remember, if we touch this Goomba anywhere but on the head. We die. We die. Also, it's also as big or as. We die. Also, it is- We die instantly. It's also as big or as tall as us. Yeah, that's- Oh, no.

I forgot about that. I can't jump that high. None of us can jump as high as Mario can. Oh, no. Oh, no, run away. Maybe we should probably start at Mario's big height because we physically also can't shrink. That's true.

That's a good point. So we start. All right, look. I reckon I could maybe do a hop over the Goomba. You could hop over something that is as tall as you. What about, okay, we see the Goomba coming towards us. You jump on Douche's shoulder, and then people's elbows into the Goomba. Yeah, yeah.

Squashing it and giving us $1. I'm trying to think how much of a box jump I can do. It's not my height. I can do waist height. Yeah, well, I know, so that's what I mean. I reckon, because if we're going from the fact Mario can do things that unfortunately

us as plumbing the Death Star cannot. I agree. So, but we're not shrunk. We're just at normal height. But then what happens when we eat a mushroom? I suspect Because that's going to be another problem When we get the mushroom, we'll deal with the problem Exactly, so we have to be Mario height

As is You get on Dusha's shoulders, your people's elbow into the Goomba It squishes, disappears It's gone How does it feel when I lay my elbow into it? Not good Why are you falling on it He was getting on you

If Dermot gets on your back And you people's elbows I'm tied Doucher is down to two lives If I elbow him on the head Is that okay Does it need to be your shoes At no point does Mario

Perform the people's elbows. All right. So straight off the bat. All right. Climbing Dusha, struggle one. Yeah. Get off me. Goomba slowly walking towards him.

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. Get off me. Dusha will die. Don't get on my shoulders. Okay. I guess I'll get on. I'll give you a piggyback We'll turn around and drop you Butt first onto the Goomba

I'll feel like falling on a big cushion It'll be good Okay You're gonna end up with Goomba in your ass Does it have bones? It's got legs How does it It doesn't have knees, surely

Is it mushrooms? Does it feel like a mushroom? I feel like it'll it doesn't have knees, surely. Is it mushrooms? Like, does it feel like a mushroom? I feel like it'll feel like a mushroom. Yeah, mushroom with bones. Yeah, it's got bones. So I am in pain. Because I've landed ass first on a small animal. Not a small animal, an animal that's big.

That's like landing ass first on a moose. It's not good for you. All right, so we've killed the Goomba It's like a moose with a weird crumple zone It crumples in when you land on top How is it like a moose? Just because it's tall? I mean anything, a bear

A big dog, whatever Anything that's like a big dog I guess a big dog does have a crumple zone If you landed on a big dog's spine from on high It would die Especially when you're thinking about a big dog does have a crumple zone, if you landed on a big dog's spine from on height, it would die. Especially when you're thinking about a big sausage dog. Yeah.

Those poor things. Although, if you land on a goomba, where's its spine? Directly in the middle? Yeah. Oh. I have a spine a little bit in my bum. That's okay. I'll be all right.

You're like, oh, I got a new power. It's a tail. Jackson, you should see a doctor. Am I going to have to do this again? Because I don't think I can. There's not much room for another tail up here. I'll pull the spine out and add it to my inventory. One bloody anus, one Goomba spine.

Challenge number two is the first question mark block. I reckon we just keep walking past them. But we know there's stuff in there. So we know how... Oh, yeah, we know we're doing 1-1. Oh, then I guess... Wait, I can't... It's so high. It's too high.

We're going to have to get on people's shoulders. And then even then, it's still too high. What if I throw the spine at it? It makes a wet slap and nothing happens. Could I pick up the Goomba carefully? Yeah. No, dead. I think you gotta, if you touch it, you're done. Although we don't know, because Mario

never touches the Goomba's little boots. So, maybe if you can pick the Goomba up. No, if a Goomba falls on your head, you die. Oh, that's true. That's true. Maybe we just gotta take off your shoe and throw it can i throw that will that be hard enough because like again if you look at mario yeah and then if you look at the distance of where mario is it's like it's two of mario we can't get the momentum as well to do a lot of the big gaps i see coming up okay well let's ignore it then.

All right, we're not gonna get those because we just can't. We just can't, we're incapable. But what about, okay, so we've hit a pipe. A pipe is huge. Pipe! All right, first pipe, the smallest pipe. Challenge three, the smallest pipe in the map.

So difficult. No, but I reckon we might be okay because I think Mario's small, but we have longer arms than Mario does. I reckon we could probably pull ourselves up. I reckon we might be okay, because I think Mario's small, but we have longer arms than Mario does. I reckon we could probably pull ourselves up. I reckon we could, like, hoik. One of us does a thing when you put your... Some orienteering, get ourselves up there.

Do the, like, foot thing. Climb up. You're missing a shoe from throwing it at the block. Which did nothing. You didn't pick it up for some reason, I guess. No, wait. I'm going to pick up my shoe, because I'm thinking I had to deal with those Goomba problems coming up.

Squash it with your shoe like a bug. All right, so on top of the pipe. It's like killing a big moose with a boot. Absolutely. You hit a moose in its crumple zone with your boot and it dies. So the pipes that don't go into anywhere, can you still go down them? Can you fall?

Is there a cover on them? No, there's a cover, I presume. So I get on top and try and do the Mario fall down, but I just squat. Yes. Nothing happens. It's not working.

Yeah, there's a grate. All right. I reckon with a bunch of, I guess, us helping each other out and teamwork, we could probably make sure we could definitely get

to the second one. Yeah, the third pipe's causing us. The third and the fourth is so big. After the second pipe, there's another Goomba, but we have the height this time. We just fall on it. Spines. Another spine to the adventure. Can we use two spines as like whips?

A lot of. Great idea. Whips. Look out! I'm a menace! Hey. Yeah. here's something. Pipe. Physical 3D object.

Mario, 2D. Us, 3D. Oh, yeah. Can we just walk around the pipes? Can we go around the pipe? I feel like Mario can't, so we can't. Okay. So we can only do what Mario can do,

but we also can't do the things that we can't do now that Mario can do. Yes. Eloquently pushed. I'm a master of words and using few. Then we climb the third pipe. I reckon we can get up that, but that's our limit of pipe height. There's two Goombas in between the third and the fourth pipe. Well, Mario can just land on them, but can we land on multiple Goombas?

Okay. Hang on a second. Going back one, if we fall on a Goomba, that's a lot of height. That's true. Broken leg. Unless it's a Goomba a little bit soft. No, it's got bones. It's a big moose.

It's our height. It's about 12 feet That's a lot to fall That's a lot to climb That's a lot to fall when we're like 3 feet currently Oh no if we're 3 feet then it's a 6 foot drop Yeah that's not too bad

6 foot's alright dropping one dad that's okay We can do that I'm doing it And we could also like climb Down the side of the pipe so that we're only dropping. We have the benefit of, however, the pipes are slippy. Yeah, that's true. Well, that's fine.

I mean, the goomba then becomes an issue, but it means we're not going to die. We're not breaking our legs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to get some friction burns on our fingertips. Absolutely. We've got sore fingers. Jack's still got a sore anus.

He's trying to hug the pipe as we slide down. Can we hug our shoes at the Goomba? I don't know. Here's a question. How heavy is Mario? Because he, with his weight, can crush the Goomba. He's a little plump Italian. You need to throw your shoe as hard as the impact of someone landing on someone.

I reckon I could at least. We have six shoes between us. That's true all right, but we have, you know, six shoes between us. That's true. Okay, so we get all of our shoes together in my T-shirt. I was thinking of hucking one at a time. Because surely at one point the Goomba's going to be like, ah, ah, and like chip away at its health.

Yeah, I don't know if Goombas have a health. They're a one and done. They got one health. They got one health, which is get hit on the top. What if we just avoid it? We just jump, damage our legs, and try and climb up the next pipe. But there's two Goombas. Oh, man.

We'll be killed by Goomba. If we try that, someone dies. That's true. Yeah, so on the next pipe, it's going to be hard. Okay, yeah, sure. One of us dies, and obviously we've still got another two lives left. But then that person is stuck trying to get over the second pipe by themselves, which will not happen.

So, yeah, sure, we've got other lives, but we... We're going to get trapped so many times. I just think we almost get stuck on the third pipe, because I don't know how well we're going to be able to climb that. I also still think we're going to do a lot of damage on the second pipe when we go across the other side. Absolutely. We're going to sprain to climb that. I also still think we're going to do a lot of damage on the second pipe when we go across the other side. Absolutely. We're going to sprain something.

None of us are very fit. Yeah, that's true. None of us are in good shape. I've got another Goomba spine. Oh, no, that's still my second one. That's good. All right. So it's the moment we get to the third pipe,

and then we fall off. The problem is that we can only fall on one Goomba at a time. And we can't fall off because that will kill us. We are we. We are so tiny. Alright. I'll jump off and sacrifice one of my three lives. That's like five of us.

Or do we have three lives between us? We have three lives between us. Yeah, that's okay. Well, I can sacrifice one of our three lives to kill one Goomba. Well, actually, what we, I think, should probably do is go back, get that mushroom because then we're big. That's true, then we're going to be huge. Because then we're big and the pipe's on an inch.

How do we get that mushroom? We're going to have to do the same strategy we did to climb the second pipe, which is just stack on and someone punch up. Who's breaking their bloody knuckles? Mario can punch through the blocks. That's true, but we aren't Mario. He can jump and we can't the blocks. That's true, but we aren't Mario. Yeah, he can jump and we can't do that.

That's true, but also a question mark. So we have to also like, okay, so yes, we have the pipes and that's helping us up. Yeah. But here it's just the open air. I don't know if any of us could support two of us. What about, okay, we get on the first pipe, all right? You two being stronger than me, grab me by the hands and legs. I reckon

you swing me onto the block and then I climb along to the question mark and just kick it from above. Yeah, I reckon you have to do a ground pound. I'll have to do a ground pound on my poor bloody anus, but I'll do it. I reckon I could probably jump

from the first pipe and probably just hit those bricks. I like Jackson's idea of us throwing him. I feel like you're not going to be able to do it with your- That's so many yous. That's a while. I reckon I could do it. You could jump three across whilst jumping one up of your-

I could stretch out my arms longish. Or we throw Jackson. Just huck me, boys. I just think jump- I'll give that a red hot go, and if we can't get it, I will huck Jack. So good news. Even hucking Jack.

Good news, bad news. We're not going to huck Jack that distance. I could jump further than I could huck Jackson. That's crazy. Momentum. Absolutely not. You're going to swing me. We'll test this off of you.

You grab me by my hands and feet, and you do a big swing, and then you let go and momentum and my own weight carries me in a beautiful arc. Yeah, but I meant we could throw him so much further than you could throw me fucking miles, boys. You could throw me such a distance. I reckon

50 meters. There needs to be an Olympic sport where you grab my hands and legs and run along and then throw me like a long jump distance. Can we? It's like shot putting a man. Can we? Yes.

Maybe pick up some of the bricks that we're walking on and use them as a ladder. Or you still got those two bloody spines? Make a bridge. Tie them to Jackson's feet. We hammer throw him. Using your own combined strength spin me around try not to overshoot

okay now that we have the spines what about we whip the mushroom oh okay jump faster Jackson whip me in shape oh I feel like doing it now

alright are we ignoring the thing and going back and trying to whip can we whip it? Whip me in shape. Well, I feel like doing it now. All right. Are we ignoring the thing and going back and trying to whip? Can we whip it? I reckon we could whip it. We could whip the mushroom out. Yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

We'll go back. I don't think we could kill a Goomba with a whip, but I reckon we could get the mushroom. All right, cool. So we get one mushroom. Who's getting big? One mushroom, three boys. Who's getting big?

Do we get a third of a mushroom each and we get a third bigger? No, I'd be scared it wouldn't work. I would be like, nope, one of you take it. I reckon Jackson. Let's make Jackson big. I don't know, but you're the tallest. Yeah, you're already the biggest. You double in size.

You take it. I eat a mushroom as big as my body. We wait for like an hour. You slowly eat away Can you do that? Can you eat something The size of half you? I want you to imagine a steak

Just a cow, just imagine a cow Can you eat A whole cow Boys, you're going to have to give me two days to do this I think I could eat a whole cow in two, you're gonna have to give me two days to do this, I think. A whole cow, I could eat a whole cow in two days is that claim apparently.

We'll wait around for like three. Oh, it doesn't work. Because Mario doesn't eat the mushroom, he just touches it. That's true, he just runs into it and it disappears. Yeah, and if the Goomba disappeared when we crushed it. Yeah, okay, we'll just push it. Rub it into your body.

Yeah, I like embrace it. Yeah, and it disappears into you and you get twice into your body. Yeah, I like embrace it. Yeah. Hug it. And it disappears into you and you get twice as big. That's not the noise it makes. Do you sure what? Like the start of a transformer. What's happening? What's the noise Mario makes when he gets big?

No, that's Zelda noise. That was the Pac-Man noise, but for World 2. One, two. Waka, waka, waka. Waka, waka, waka. Waka, waka, waka. Okay, so Duscha is big now. Pipe, first two pipes easy.

Can just climb over. Third pipe, you could probably pick us up and drop us on top of it. Yes. Okay, I'm going down this pipe. All right, so if he picks us up, right, and then pushes us up, we have to lift him up. Wait, wait, wait. We've still got to kill these two Goombas.

You can stand on them. You are so big. Stop complaining. You're the hero now. All right, so we're back at the two Goombas. The first part where there's multiple enemies. I kill them. Yes.

Good. Then you put us on the pipe. Jackson disappears. I go down and break my legs. Well, okay, yeah, see? Because you put us on there. I assume it's just like an open grate. So me and you just fall.

Wop, wop, wop. So we go down the pipe. Wop, wop, wop. As we go down the pipe. Wop, wop, wop. And then he... Broken leg. Ah! Oh, my fucking God! Da-da-da-da-da-da.

Da-da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. So me and Jack are on the bottom of this sewer. Yeah. Getting sewer water into our broken legs. Oh my fucking God, man. If I survive this, they're going to be so infected. How am I going to get out?

Okay, Dusha, can you get down the pipe? Your best bet is to kill yourselves. We still have three lives. Or alternatively, I go down the pipe, land on top of you, you both die anyway. That's no good, you fool. You know what you've just done? Put me in the back of the bikini. Is there another mushroom?

No! You've got to get out of the pipe now, which, let I remind you, is right straight up. Can you climb a pipe straight up? Have you doomed yourself? If you do it yourself, are you going to have to smack your head against the brick wall so that you die as well? I'll get small first if I do that. Are we down to one life?

If I killed both of you by falling down that pipe, then yes. We are on one life. I reckon the pipe has suction, though. I reckon I can get out. What am I going to do with these coins? Fill my pockets. All right. Well, I reckon there might be a ladder. Oh, yeah. Mario reckon I can get out. What am I going to do with these coins? Fill my pockets. All right.

Well, I reckon there might be a ladder. Oh yeah. Mario gets sucked up the pipe. Yeah, Mario can't jump that high. Yeah, because when Mario goes down the pipe, he just falls. But he gets sucked up.

But he's clearly climbing a ladder up. So I get back out. All right. Now behind me is a hole. Yeah. Yes. You could probably jump it.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I could jump that. Now that you're twice as big yeah i could jump that it was lucky we gave you the mushroom all right so you're coming back for us oh yeah i gotta save you climb back over the other four oh you're gonna have a bit of a truck i reckon still oh wait or does it work one one world where i go i get some point i go back to that first, the fourth pipe, and then the screen just doesn't move. It's just black. I'm like, oh, no.

Oh, no. Are the boys dead? We're stuck at pipe number three, looking up, being like, fuck. Now, was there only one red mushroom in those first five or four blocks? Yes. Is there anything else in there? The coins? Okay. Let's break them open there? The coins? Okay.

Let's break them open. You can hammer throw me. Hey, you've now got our spines, JD. Lucky. Spine douche. That's what it's called. All right. So let's collect the coins

and we can use these to drop on Goombas and pile up to make ladders. So in those first four blocks that you have access to, there's three coins. Okay, that's pretty good. We can bribe the Goombas to leave us alone. Well, the coins, let's not forget, are as big as the Goombas.

So they'll crush one of... Actually, the coins are bigger than Mario. Yeah, they're huge coins. Oh, they're gonna be so heavy. We lean one against a pipe to climb up the more difficult pipe. We drop a pipe down on the Goomba. We drop a pipe on another Goomba. Well, those Goombas are dead.

Yeah, that's true. Dusha killed them. Then we... Yeah, we just use those coins to give us a little bit more height, a lot of steady. Okay, there's going to be a bit of balance work, but I reckon we got this. We did a bit of teamwork and a bit of...

Okay, you get to where I'm standing. Our old enemy, the pipe again. Yeah, so you- Avoid the hole. Avoid the hole this time. Avoid the hole. You get over that pipe. Yeah.

You then have a hole. Okay. And I'm on the other side of the hole. What's that flying in the air there? Is that something? Yeah, what's that? Oh, wait, is that a turtle? Is that where the turtle comes into it?

There's a turtle pretty early on. Yeah, that might be the first turtle. Oh no. How are we going to deal with a Koopa? I can kick that. That's easy. You kick it though and it doesn't die. Yeah, no, you have to deal with that as well.

I'm on the other side. Damn, damn, damn. We just got a timeout jump. I can kill a turtle. Yeah, but... Wait, turtle's big as a moose. And has a shell that kills you. Yeah, the shell's going doot, doot, doot, doot. Oh no, it'll just go down the hole. Yeah, that's big as a moose And has a shell that kills you Yeah, the shell's going

Oh no, it'll just go down the hole Yeah, that's true, we just gotta wait till it's running in the other direction We go up and we kick it in the arse Exactly, you gotta wait till it's not facing us Run it behind it, punch in the back of its head Yeah, we coward punch the Koopa And it falls off the edge to its doom Alright, now we're gonna get across this hole

Good news there, boys On the other side of that hole There's a mushroom Somebody else gets big It's doom. All right. Now we're going to get across this hole. Good news there, boys. Yeah. On the other side of that hole, there's a mushroom. Somebody else gets big. All right. How do we get across? How big is that hole? Actually, it's the size of a coin.

Yeah. We could lay a coin across. If we laid a coin across, or if one of us tried to, like, jump into Dusha's waiting arms, he could, like. If we jump that with Dusha's arms yeah he could like we quite if we jump that with douche's outstretched arms

we'll be right we'll be fine okay all right so it's been a while and we've made it nearly halfway yeah

two goombas fall from the sky ah okay onto our heads killing us no they fall into blocks next above our heads

yeah so we probably noticed so we've got time you could punch the blocks you got time You can punch the blocks You're big enough I punch the blocks Break your hand Break your hand

Shrink You're literally It hurts Fuck Damn it Damn it Okay The Goombas then come down

Oh no But we just gotta like You've got Do you still have those coins you can whale them with? Yeah. If we just put them like a coin in the way, but turned upright, right? Yeah.

So the Goomba hits it. Well, the Goomba slams its Goomba nuts on the coin. Split in half. Yeah, split in half. Okay, I was thinking it hits it and it's like, oh, I guess it's got to go the other way. And then just goes down the hole. Oh, I see what you mean.

Create a barrier that the Goombas are going to whack into. Except I'm on the other side of that, so. Mm-hmm. Oh no, I guess we were standing together. No, we're all in the same section. Yeah, yeah, okay. Oh, so you got coins that you filled your pockets with? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh no, they're huge. I turned small, the coins just burst through my pants. No pants. Bloody anus. Oh no, healed. That's nice. Yeah, no shoes. When I died, my anus got good again.

My dick's out, I'm sorry. That's okay, it's not your fault. It was greed that caused your dick to go out. There's a metaphor there. Truly something to be said. Alright, now what's the best strategy here? Is it to climb up on top of the little blocks

And then onto the high up long line of blocks Or just make the little jump We just can't climb that high Because we are all now still little But that middle block there That has a mushroom in it We need that mushroom So again, we'll have to do the same thing

I've stood with your spines Yeah, yeah, yeah, whip it with a spine The mushroom comes out. Who gets it this time? He's the biggest. No, but I'm... He cooked it last time. That's all I'm thinking. All I'm saying. No, whatever.

Give it to him, I guess. He's the tallest. That's fine. There's another mushroom coming up as well, I think. Okay. Good. Is there a fire flower here? Well, I mean, if I hit the block, then yes. We should have kept you big. See? He gets big.

He hits a mushroom that gets one of us a fire flower. That's good. Yes. One of us is big and can fire fire at our fists. Well, Dusha can just pick us up and put us on that block then. Oh, that's true. And then we can whip it. Yeah, and he can hoist himself up. We can do

this. We can get to the top most block. That is a terrible idea. We cannot get that. We will fall and die. Because how do you get down from there, Jackson? And also with the flower stays at the top of that. Yeah. Doesn't fall down.

Well, he got the mushroom. So Duscha got the mushroom from the question block in the three block. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. We need to get, it's the next three block that's up. Yeah. Yeah.

That's where the flower is. That's what we need to get. Flower's a bit further on and it's a bit higher up. Well, let's just make a jump across. We don't need the flower. Yeah. We don't need it. And now a quick word from our sponsors.

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So get on it and help back this award-winning team. From £5 you can receive rewards ranging from the digital comic up to an original page of art from the book. Just head to kickstarter.com and search for A Boxer. Yeah, you guys could have had a mushroom. There's so many Goombas coming. Oh, my God. There's so many fucking Goombas coming.

We've got a pretty big gap. Yeah. Yeah, that's quite large. That is what, like four of us? So this is a long jump for us. I could make... Well, what I'm imagining, Doucher, is that you, like you're

kicking us out of a bar, grab us by the seat of our pants and the scruff of our shirt and fling us across. Yeah. We land on the hard bricks and scrape our faces. Terribly grazed, chipped tooth, but alive. Yes. Then you do a big jump.

Yeah, I could probably make that, yeah. Yeah, all right. Yeah, you got, like, a whole big, like, run up as well. And, yeah, I only need to make, like, four of me. Like, so not even four of my, like, leg span. It's just four of me. I could probably do that. I think you could at the very least bodily

slam into the other side and climb up. And then you've got ass on either side. We'll pull you up if we need. Now you need to start kicking Goomba's quick smile. Oh, we're dead. Or me throw it. You guys have already had to deal with those. Oh no, I'm gonna

run back as you bodily slam across. Get him, get him, to run back as you bodily slam across. Get him, get him, get him! I'm going to fucking die! I will crawl under your legs. Alright. So I guess I jump on these goombas. Yeah, he's good. Okay, are you going to crack open that fire flower?

I reckon you could climb that. I don't think you could. I reckon he could. I reckon you could maybe hoist one of us up. One of us gets up there jackson out yeah throw me out no way he's big now yeah but you're like only a little like you're not you're not clearing the first block you know you're still underneath that even with their kids would be underneath that he could shift me up onto the block i could climb precariously stand you then you might be able to like maybe if you jump and whip,

get the fire. All right, I will jump and fall. Yeah, that's fine. You will fall. What I've got to hope is that I fall. Oh, the fire's on top, though. That's what I've been trying to say. And if you hit the block, a mushroom comes out.

If I hit the block, I fall. But if you hit the block, a mushroom comes out and it falls down. Mushroom's probably more. We need mushroom now. We need mushroom. Okay. So I'm bruised and bloody, grazed down my front, titties and belly out as my overalls have come

unstuck by my sliding. Oh, when I did that long jump, my dick was out. I forgot. Slammed into the brick. Oh, my nuts! Oh, me ghoulies. Just run to some brickwork. The mushroom comes out, lands on the ground. You, I guess, get it.

You should get it. If you would fall and slam your face into it, no longer do you have grey titties. That's true. I'm big now. And healthy. All right. Two big boys.

Two big boys. We then probably just grab the three coins that are also there because Zammert can't reach them, but we can. Absolutely. Huck them at any remaining Goombas. Yes. Which there is. There's quite a few.

There are six Goombas coming up. Six and a turtle. If you like shot putted like a coin. Yeah. I reckon you get a lot of those Goombas. I thought you were going to say we shot putted you. We're so big now. What if we did the one, two, three hoist of Zammert in our big form,

tried to make him clear the goombas and then we can deal with them? What if we hit that? Because it's two goombas and a turtle. You deal with them and I'll follow. I don't like having him on the ground. There's two goombas which we've already killed. Then it's a turtle.

Then another two goombas. Then another four goombas before there is any other. So we have to deal with all of those. Okay, that's true. Hit the first... Put me up high. Oh, that's a good idea. We'll put Zammert on a

question block. And I will supervise. Yeah, okay. I'll be a tactician. Hit the turtle with a coin so it goes into its shell. Then we kick the turtle in the direction of the goombas. It kills the goombas then we run into a panic as the turtle shell comes back. Oh, fuck!

We can jump over it. If we mis-time it, we die. Yeah. Oh, no, we don't die, we just get little. Who do you reckon's going to mistime it? Who's the least coordinated? Who in this room has been hit by a car? I've been hit by a car.

All right, you're both a little now. Three little boys. Damn it! Dude, look out, the turtle's coming. What? Doo, doo, doo. Fuck. Oh, my God.

Yeah, that turtle. Oh, man. I'm calling. Oh, yeah, there was a turtle. Hey, Zamit, so we can't get you down now? You're going to have to jump. Yeah, and it hurts. As someone who's done it, it hurts

Alright, look Someone catch me I guess I could probably stand underneath and try and catch you I will like slowly Just precariously slide my belly and titties Down that question mark And try and, you know, just Yeah, okay

Fall down Alright, now we've got a staircase of blocks I'm limping Easy to blocks. I'm limping. Easy to climb. But I'm limping. We get to the top. Big hole. Big hole that if we fall in.

We die. No, because it's not a hole to the ground. We're stuck. We die. We just can't get out. Time runs out. We die. We die of starvation.

I forgot about time. Oh, no. Oh, shit, boys. We're fine. We're fine so far. Okay. So, yes. That jump. Now, that jump.

Now that jump is about as big as the first gap we had to cross. Also, we're going to be quite tired. That's quite a climb to make. And injured from turtle shells and falling. We're all in significant pain by the time we arrive at the top of this one. I reckon

we could make it. What's that distance? Is that about as wide as top of this one. I reckon we could make it. What's that distance? What's that distance? Is that about as wide as this desk? Yeah, I reckon we could make it. We could jump that. If we mistime it, though. Look, it's basically just three of our, like, you know,

from sideways foot to foot. Yeah. Yeah. That's easy. I think that a lot of the issues that we're going to have in this is less the length that we have to jump and more the height. Yes's easy. I think that a lot of the issues that we're going to have in this is less the length that we have to jump and more the height. Yes, absolutely. Because as human beings, jumping lengthwise is much easier than jumping high.

We could probably skip it. To be honest, those other holes back before, I reckon they weren't as challenging as we thought. I think the middle one is. Your goalies remain unsquished. That's good news. That's good to hear, dude. Still exposed.

Yeah, yeah. Still visible to the world Getting a dick tan Alright so do we think we could jump the next hole along I reckon So we clear the first one where if we fall down We starve to death But if we mistime that we roll down blocks

And slam into next block That's concerning Yeah that is a worry. I'm wondering if I could jump that distance. I may give it a go. What do we think? We got a bit of a run up with this one. Yeah, I reckon we could do it.

Again, because again, it's lengthwise not up. And we're okay. It's not actually that wide. It's not that far. For a human. I think I've seen what's going to be, and it's crazy I didn't realize this before, what's going to be the most difficult. In the entire 1-1.

We get across those two gaps. We even take care of those two goombas. With excess coins we can hark on. And we don't even need to because we're standing on a pipe. Yeah, that's true. You can just jump on top of them. I've got a bloody anus, but that's okay. That's no big deal.

You've dealt with that before. I'm used to a bloody anus. But then we climb the last slope. Yep. And we are unimaginably, that's got to be like what? Say. Well, it's the height of a flagpole. Yeah.

Wow. Oh, actually, no, but it's the height of a Mario flagpole, which is the height of. Well, say Mario is this. It's like 10 of us. One, two. Yeah. Oh, my, but it's the height of a Mario flagpole, which is the height of... Well, say Mario is this... It's like 10 of us. One, two, yeah. Oh, my God. That is too high up. So it's like five stories.

Yeah. It's like, oh, it's the size of a... Oh, it's bigger than a castle. Yeah. It's twice the size of a castle. It's a little castle. It's a two-story castle. Yeah, it is a two-story castle.

That's at least four to five stories high. And we're going to jump across that, again quite a long distance, further than we've ever had to jump, grab onto a flagpole and slide down and not die. Okay. So let's explore the hammer throw option

from earlier. You won't be able to grab onto the flagpole. Yeah, that's true. You'll just bounce off Slam your side of belly If we make the distance I will get broken ribs and bruised And then fall and die So who's going first?

Okay, um, bags not So we've got one life left Well actually we've technically got two lives left Bad news though, we restart If we die here, we'd restart where those two Goombas are just before the four Goombas. Okay, yeah, okay, alright, that's not too bad. Okay, what

if, I have an idea, do our bodies stay when we die? Do they stick around? Yes, you got our spines earlier. Canonically. So we choose one of us. Oh no, because the Goombas disappear, but we aren't Goombas disappear But we aren't Goombas But we got the Goomba spine

So do we have We have two lives left And then we have one and zero Yeah Yes We're on one currently We lose one life We're down to zero

No yeah fuck We've got one life We've got one life If I jumped Sacrificed myself nobly And landed Would I create enough of a cushion? No.

No, Jackson, have you... Wait, there is another life somewhere on 1-1. Where is it? I don't know, but it's in there. Which blocks haven't we broken? No, it's an invisible block. Oh, God damn. Even within it, I think it's like all the way back

after the fourth pipe. We missed it. We missed our opportunity. Oh, yeah, it is. It's after the fourth pipe. Even with an extra life, we're stuck here. Have we got every single mushroom on the map? Yes. Damn it.

If we were big, maybe. What I was thinking is if we're big, all that happens when we land is we become little so it's no big deal but apparently we've exhausted our mushroom supply who goes first I'll do it I reckon I can jump the furthest alright sure

I think we need someone that is confident that they can hold on to the flagpole because if you hold on to the flagpole enough I reckon I've got that you've probably got the most upper body strength you hold on to the flagpole enough... Yeah. I reckon I've got that. You've probably got the most upper body strength. You would go to the gym the most out of us. So I reckon I could give it a red hot go, but I... Or do we save Zamet for last?

Yeah, is he our saving grace? Or do we need... Either way, I don't think I'm making that jump. Well, with that in in mind you can go first Because then I can come to terms with how fucked I am Yeah like to be honest Although Actually

No we don't have to make the jump Yeah I got this Because it's diagonally down All I gotta do is jump a little bit up And hope the parabola is enough That I can get to carry me. Slam into the base of the flagpole and with your dying breath, grab hold of it with both your hands.

With my hands and my knees. Yeah, I got this. I am confident enough that I reckon I will slam face first into that pole somewhere near the bottom. This will be a rough moment to watch Sam just slam not even close just slam face first into the ground just bleed out and die

I don't see him look up we just see our lives drop to zero well he's gonna he's gonna be back there somewhere and then I'm just like thinking back we took all the coins and the mushrooms he's in trouble I guess And then I'm just like thinking back, I'm like, we took all the coins and the mushrooms. He's in trouble, I guess.

He's just trip over my own feet. Trip over your own feet, fall down, but you don't quite die. You're just lying there bleeding out. Fall down the pipe again. I reckon I could get it with a parabola, but if I fuck up that timing, I am on the ground in front of that bush dying.

Guys, I didn't get it. We know. We can see, dude. And I'll crawl ever so slowly. Well, if you're able to crawl it, just get it. Well, if he jumps and lands in the bush. I reckon, again, if I jump knowing that like with all the confidence that I reckon I'm gonna get it maybe make my legs a little bit jelly so that

yes I wound myself pretty severely but don't die yeah then you can just drag with the adrenaline knowing that once we finish this you're all good hang on I'm just gonna quickly check with Google what is the survival rate for falling?

Five stories. Five stories is what we're talking. It happens. It's not unheard of. People have fallen out of a plane without a parachute. This is unimaginably doable. Okay. Yeah.

Four stories. It's about a 50% survival rate. All right. Seven stories is 90% death rate. That's quite a jump. That is a little bit of a jump. I reckon we got to decide quick because our time is running out. So I reckon if I could, yeah, as I'm crawling down,

trying to reach for that flagpole, what are you two boys doing? Here's my question for you, though. So that flagpole base is as big as you. Oh, no. And you are crawling with broken legs. Oh, no. So I just don't think you're down there. We're like, he's got it.

He's got it. And then you hit that block and you're just like, and then you reach your hands up, touch it, and look back at us. And you just can't. You can't. Your legs are shattered masses. With enough adrenaline, the human body can do marvellous things.

I like to think you look up at us, we look down at you, and then all of us clutch at our hearts because the time's run out and we've had a heart attack. Oh, wait, douche of shit. Oh, my God. Who knew it would hurt this much? Man, we got so close. Here's our problem.

If I can give us some general notes Yeah if you could give us some feedback On how we could potentially survive World 1 Okay We didn't plan ahead ever At no point did we think about the obstacle We were about to encounter Until we were encountering it

And then it became a problem Any other feedback? Height Yeah height was really the main thing that got in the way If we ever try again We're going to need to really work on our Make sure that one person has a mushroom at the end Yeah that's probably clever

Or a lot of coins Try and get the fire flower Why? You can hurt Goombas it's easy I just don't think there was any way It kills a Koopa in them. I just don't think there was any way. Goombas didn't kill us all down the- It kills a Koopa in one go. I just don't understand any feasible way of how he would have gotten that flower. We could have figured it out.

You just love the idea of shooting fire, which I respect, but it wouldn't have helped us. It is, in fact, more helpful for that to be a second mushroom. Yeah, I guess. Okay, we should have also never gone down the pipe. That was a big mistake that cost us two lives. Okay, because we never gone down the pipe. That was a big mistake that cost us two lives. Okay, because we never went down the pipe. We lost our two lives and the knowledge of our good friend crushing us with his feet. Absolutely.

And let's not forget that. But then I ended up with your spines. That's true. That helped us whip some question mark blocks. Let's not forget that in the course of trying to complete 1-1, three of us broke our spine As we fell Three of us broke our legs, sorry, from height So that's just all good stuff to keep in mind

World 1-1 though However, unfortunately Bastard us Princess Peach dies Alone in a castle Mario finds us and he's like Oh my god You should never attempt if you can't do a bigger jump

ever think about jumping real high so many dead bodies he cries a big Italian tear and on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson and I've also been Joel and world 1-1 you have bested us this time

but maybe we'll be better next time maybe we'll come back for World 1-1 you have bested us this time but maybe we'll be better next time. Maybe we'll come back for World 1-2. Okay. Okay, this was a sign off but just very quickly. Jackson how does World 1-2 start? No, no, no. Broken legs.

As we fall down a pipe to our doom. We fall higher than the last jump in World 1-1. We fall. We lose all three lives instantly. Killed. Crushed. Goodbye.

Sayonara. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspan's Radio. Or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsAreDead. And I'm want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsAreDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows,

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But not forever. Kisses. you again for listening and we'll see you again next time good night for now but not forever kisses