Plumbing the Death Star - Could You Survive the Kafka's Metamorphosis Experience?

Episode Date: January 1, 2023

We're starting the new year strong by stepping into Gregor Samsa's vermin like shoes and asking if we'd survive the metamorphosis experience when we wake up as bug. Collectively one third of this handsome trio has read exactly one half (later revealed to be one third) of Franz Kafka's book but that doesn't stop us as we all have whatever the opposite of an existential crisis is. An existential catharsis? Either way JD immediately goes bug world, Jackson just wants to catch the night bus to the beach and Zammit either dies or survives a trash compactor. It's a very big point of contention of the episode. Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Hey everyone! New year, same stupid fuck ass! Welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm your host, Joel, and I'm joined by my two good friends, Jackson. I don't like this. He's doing this to me in Tom Graves, I'm not letting him do it to me in Plumbing. I'm your host, Jackson. And I'm also your host, Joel.

Plumbing the Death Star is the podcast where we ask the important questions like, could you survive Frank Kafka's... Frank Kafka's? Franz? Franz Kafka's metamorphosis. Gregor Samsor wakes up in bed as a gigantic beetle, unable to even rotate onto his front without incredible effort. He takes up, by and large,

the majority of the bed. He has hundreds of, well not hundreds, but he has the appropriate beetle amount. Which is? Six. Beetle's got six legs. You didn't even know what I was going to say. Yeah, I was like, I was wondering where you were going to go. The beetle's amount of eyes? No, he's got six legs, which kind of writhe and

twist and are constantly jittering as he lies in bed. I'm assuming he's doing that, right? Well, no, he describes them as sort of jittering by themselves. And it's only when he finally flips himself onto his front does he realize that's because they were so ready to locomotive

him around the bedroom. So, like, legs just do that for beetles. For when you become metamorphosis, maybe that's the truth. At the start, he's just stuck up on his bed for ages. His family are like, breakfast time. For a while, like an hour or two. Because he misses his train.

Oh, no. Because he's a beetle. Yeah, and he assumes at first that it's a... Three bears next to each other. We all wake up. We all look over. We're's a beetle Yeah and he assumes At first that it's a Three bears next to each other We all wake up We all look over We're all a beetle Oh we've all been

Metamorphosis I knew this was coming Well I guess the only way For this to work is Can we speak? I guess no No well here's the trick You can speak for a bit

So Gregor Samsor starts He communicates with his family But when finally His family As well as his I don't know if it's Specifically his boss But it's the person Higher as well as his, I don't know if it's specifically his boss, but it's the person higher than him in his work, finally opened the door to reveal to him.

He tries to explain the situation, but he's too far gone. He just squeaks at them. So you got like a good hour of human speech. All right. Fucked human speech, but human speech. And I guess for this to work best yeah rather than three beds next to each other it's three bedrooms next to each other yes because i think if it's if i look over in your beetles i'm like something awesome well yeah because if it happens all three of us were we

blessed by a witch did we anger or please a beetle last night because uh i guess like the the first part of it is all about the fact that he's very alone and just stuck with his thoughts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would you think had happened? When you wake up, look down at your body, you are a beetle. Well, he does the thing that I think that I would do, which is like, well, this obviously isn't a forever thing.

And spoilers of Metamorphosis, it is. Why would you think it wasn't forever? I don't know. This, like all things, is temporary. This too shall pass. What too shall pass? Oh, I'm a big beetle. It'll go.

It's fine. Let's see. I would assume either one, it's just a dream, a beautiful, beautiful dream. Or two, I guess I've always been a beetle and I've finally woken up. That's disturbing. But then... I was dreaming I was a man. Awesome. But surely that

illusion would be shattered straight away when your family yell out to you. Well, maybe they're beetles. I guess when the door opens and it's revealed that's when the illusion is shattered for you. That's when it's not a beetle. That's the sad. Well, maybe I was adopted, like a Stuart Little situation.

Did I scream? Yes. Okay, then I'd be like, okay, so this is clearly wrong. Nothing would be more scary than opening the door to Zamet's room and Zamet, as our big beetle, being like, Was I always a beetle? I wouldn't know what to do with that. I think that being yelled at, I always a beetle Would scare me less Than

I reckon a hundred other phrases What would be the scariest phrase For him to say then Awesome jam No just like I guess just like If it was just like normal Any kind of normal conversations

Way worse than Was I always a beetle If he was like shower free Scary Cause it's normal for him More like What up Jesus Not much What up with you like shower free. Scary, because it's normal for him. More like, what up?

Jesus, not much what up with you. You're a real fucking big bug. Oh, yeah, I thought I was. Well, you can see that too.

Are you Joel Zahmer? Yeah. Oh, no, dude. Well, Jackson, you're a big metamorphosis head.

Yeah, I love it. You survived the metamorphosis experience. Do you want to talk us through a couple of key things that I guess happened? Okay, well, when he is finally... Bearing in mind, I've only read half of Metamorphosis. I got distracted. I'm reading Moby Dick at the same time. Anyway, so...

Is Metamorphosis a short story? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. I'm also readingoby Dick at the same time. Okay. Anyway. Is the Metamorphosis a short story? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. It is. I'm also reading Fall of the House of Usher. I'm reading three stories at the same time. None of them with my whole ass. Look, hey. I said I'd only read half of it.

You just weren't listening. You know, you just kept yelling that you wanted to do a Metamorphosis episode. Where are you up to? You've brought it up multiple times. I'm up to his family. He's been revealed to his family. They're like, you shouldn't go to work. You are a big Beatle.

And then they're like, we're going to leave you in here. You're sick. And they close the door on him. And he's like, no, I'm not sick. I need to get to work because he needs to earn money for his family. Okay. First off, that's where me and definitely me and Sandor's his name? Gregor Samsa.

Yeah. Samsa. All right. So this is where me and Samsa will definitely divert because I'm like, I'm having a sick day. Hand me the telephone. I will call in. But are you having a sick day or are you just a giant beetle? You know what I mean?

You're not really sick. I mean, I guess you can't. Something's happened. I'm gonna say that I'm sick. That's funny because you are the boss. Well, yeah. I assumed that I had Sam's job here. Yeah, that's fair. Because if it was, it'd be, boys,

I got my human mouth. Whatever. Let me scurry into the studio. Would Plummy the Death Star be any different if Zammett was a gigantic beetle? It'd be a dangerous energy in the air. A fright. Because what if he de-evolves further?

That's right, I believe that humans evolve from bugs. He's gonna devolve. What? What do you mean, dude? You mean the beetle's gonna become an ape? No, no, no. The missing link. When we went from bugs to guys. When were we apes? Never!

Apes are a beautiful specimen that has nothing to do with humanity. We will become apes if we're lucky. I hope one day that I will evolve into an ape. Why do you ask? I hate today's episode. It's a beetle. A douche has gone insane. It's going to be really hard to talk about the Hulk.

It's easy. Go on. So, Jackson, I would say, look, this is a little rude because, like, I've read the plot synopsis of Metamorphosis. I've watched a movie that's sort of based off it. Yeah. But you did... Misremember it?

No, no, no, no, no. You just suggest you want to do this episode heaps. And we're going to have to talk about how it ends and what happens next. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like... That's okay. I don't mind spoilers for Kafka's Metamorphosis. If you did care, I would be angry at you because this was your idea.

This is 100% on you. Oh, yeah. Be it on my head. And also, Zamit and listeners, to give an indication for Jackson how deep into the book he is. Yeah. The thing he described as the end of the first paragraph of the Wikipedia summary, there is three paragraphs. Well, there's three parts to the book.

Okay. So I guess I'm a third of the way through Kafka's metamorphosis. All right. That's plenty. To get that I'm a big beetle, that's all I need. You tricked us. You just wanted to do an episode Where you get to think about being a big beetle

And how funny it is Oh I'm a big fucking beetle Well Jackson I don't mean to So I understand where the appeal for you To be a giant Or to be a beetle from But the thing is here

You're a giant beetle So you can't scurry into a drain pipe Or be sliddle or spill It's still awesome Imagine getting on the bus. Well, he doesn't. He gets... How do you fit on the bus? I just squeeze in. Okay, so

this is what happens to Gregor. So, he stays locked in his room and begins to accept his new identity and adapts to his new body. His sister is the only one who brings him food. That's nice. And this is the part where you're going to be back in. Yeah.

But then they find out that he starts only liking food once it's become rotten. Oh, nice. Then he spends much of his time crawling around on the floors, the walls, and the ceiling. Yeah, I guess so. Hell yeah. And then his sister removes all the furniture from his room

because they're like- So he can just scurry about. It doesn't even matter if you're a big beetle. Yeah. If anything, if you could put in what I would think is a fridge so I can scurry underneath. Wow, they actually do something similar. They keep a sofa in the room because they realize that he loves to hide under the sofa when someone comes in the house.

Perfect. Awesome. Good stuff, good stuff. This is all exactly what I want out of life. Yeah. Seems like it's not such a bad thing to be a giant beetle. To be a giant beetle, yeah. Big worry is I'm currently not on the couch, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's easily solved by being on the couch. Yeah, but the couch, you're a big beetle, so you can't really get under the couch. Yeah. Apparently Gregor can. Yeah, he gets on the couch. He then makes his mom so disgusted she loses consciousness. Father gets angry at him, Throws apples at him.

Hits a sensitive spot in his back. Severely wounds him. Suffers from injuries for the rest of his life. Takes very little food. His mom, his dad, and his sister all get jobs and start to neglect him. They start using his room for storage and ignoring him.

Perfect to hide under. They move out of the house. New people move in. Yeah. Yeah. Once again, this is not sounding like a meat problem. It's sounding like my family problem. Yeah.

This is sounding like a Gregor. Look, this happened to Gregor Samson. Yeah. When he became a giant beetle. That's no guarantee it'll happen to me. That's true. He then kills himself. Okay.

There's no guarantee that'll happen to me. Yeah. He's like, I am. Basically, he's like, my existence is a burden on everyone in this house, my entire family. Well, that's what Gregor Sams is thinking. Oh, yeah. My experience, my- I'm living in a story. And then his family is stoked that he died.

Awesome. And his sister, despite all the hardships, the parents are like, our daughter has grown up to be a beautiful young lady and she will find a good husband and we will be financially fine. We're glad our son's dead. Yeah, well that's how Gregor Samser engages with the metamorphosis experience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also again, a lot of this seems to be less on Gregor

and more on family. Exactly. Who he turned apples at. Yeah, that's Gregor. Well, he was the breadwinner of the family. He was the breadwinner of the family, so... He was the breadwinner of the family. Yeah, yeah. He got apples thrown at him

in retaliation to him knocking out his mum, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But only by being disgusting. Yeah, that's not... Once again, that's not on him. He didn't attack her. There's a picture on the wall

of a lady in fur, and he's like, I guess, horny for it. And they try and take it off the wall, and he clings to it, and then the mum passes out because he's horrible to look at. Horny for a and they try and take it off the wall and he clings to it and then the mom passes out because he's horny for a painting all right whatever leave the horny painting for me

yeah this will also add to it the first sentence of the book is often considered mistranslated oh yeah the closest translation kind of implies bug but often when you read the whole thing it could also be like a monstrous rat yeah yeah yeah I can see that or like because yeah it's like monstrous vermin

is also a fine way to translate it or like not even necessarily a rat just like a creature basically as long as it's loathed and disgusting

yeah yeah yeah goblin man yeah yeah yeah well not a definitely not he can't be humanoid yeah so no like oh ape wrong no, not a goblin. Yeah, so no. Like, oh, ape.

Wrong. No, incorrect. No, no, no, no, no, no. Gross little goblin. No, no, no, no, no. Beetle. Let's stick with beetle. Cockroach or rat is pretty much the only two things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, yeah, but it must be cockroach because you can't get on the roof as a rat. Yeah, I think it's either you're a horrible insect or you're just like some kind of fucked monster. But I think sticking with beetle is the way to go. Well, yeah, because the problem is, Jackson, we'll put you in the Kafka's metamorphosis experience. Things go pretty much the same for you because you too would cling on to the picture that makes you horny. Absolutely. Yeah.

And I get to experience bug horny. Yeah. Not with you, Jack. That's new and exciting. Don't you dare take away that photo. Yeah. But then, Jackson, that means you still get hit with the apple. I could get hit with 100 apples. Yeah. Not with you, Jack. That's new and exciting. Don't you dare take away that photo. But then, Jackson, that means you still get hit with the apple. I could get hit with a hundred apples. But that's good for me,

because there's apples all right. No, it's bad for you, because you have a spot. It's pretty much like getting hit by a car. Oh, Dad! Who's hitting me with apples? You guys? Dad. Why did I move home? Alright, we're in a... Who's hitting me with apples? You guys? Dad. Why did I move home? All right.

We're in a... All right. Fine. In your house right now, you wake up as a beetle. Yeah. You get metamorphosis. For one day, for no reason at all, you'll wish you woke up as a beetle. I got a window to go outside, so I'll just leave.

Where are you going? The bug world. What is bug world? Wherever the fucking cockroaches live. See everyone, I'm going to bug world. What? In the garden? What?

You digging? You getting hit by a car? You going underground? The drains? You going in the drain? Into the dirt? So you're digging. I'll dig.

I'm a bug. Dusha goes down. Dusha goes bug mode straight away. He accepts his bug life. I would do the same thing as Gregor Samson. Gregor Samson would lie there and be like, well, this is temporary and it's fine. Oh, it's not. And I start losing my humanity.

Time to go to bug world. Let's just go bug mode. Scurry out the window and start digging the backyard. Housemates looking out the backyard being like, oh, there's a giant beetle. Joel! Dusha! Oh, my God, he's not here.

The beetle must have eaten him. We're going to kill that beetle that killed our friend. Your friends hit you with a thousand shovels. A thousand shovels? While I die quicker, so that's all right, I guess. If you came across a giant beetle yeah in your backyard say oh yeah

because it's the same size as me I guess it's six foot it's digging down though so it's going away I'm calling I think I would just it also depends

I'd call it exterminator that's a rough day for the exterminator he's like you got what's the problem I got one beetle I got um dude I'm actually here for

like that doesn't sound no you need to come down I will pay you I'll, I'm actually here for... No, you need to come down. I will pay you. I'll double what... What's your hourly rate? I'll give it double. How big could a beetle... This is the whole...

Are you poking your head out with white waving with one little feel? I'm going to bug world. I'm a problem to nobody. Also, it talks like a man does. I think this might be above my pay grade if I'm honest with you. So what kind of bug gas do you use to kill it? Also, an exterminator using bug

gas outside is hard. What if we throw rocks at it? Yeah, if you try dropping a brick on it. I'm scared it will attack me. Well, me too. I will. He said he will. Now, I don't know if the bug knows what it's saying or if that's

just air escaping its lips. Is it imitating human speech or is it conscious? It's really hard to tell. I'm going to bug world. I don't know if this is a mimic situation or a man is a bug situation. Well, I guess because I know that in Metamorphosis, I become more and more bug. More bug as time goes on.

Being in bug world's good. But I guess there's a brief moment where I'm not bug, but just a man living in bug world. If you don't know that you're going to get worse. Also, bug world is just underground. Also, a bug world is just... Dirt. I don't know.

At this point. Initially underground, it was in a sewer. It was know bug world I don't know what that is I don't know what you're talking about oh no he's gone towards a bug zapper it's doing nothing

he's draining the batteries oh shit okay never mind just you sitting under the earth crushed enjoying life this is awesome just like burying dirt on you

being like yeah eating rotten food maybe oh go to the tip. Yeah. The tip's the perfect place. Metamorphosis. Yeah.

I'm going to go to the beach and just hassle people for their food like a seagull. Got a chip or whatever. I'm seeing like a six foot cockroach lunging at seagulls and bringing them down waking up looking down at my bog body and being like

well there's seagulls at the beach I'm not gonna go hungry the seagulls have chips sometimes if they don't I can eat them birds of food plus there's bins at the beach I just scavenge through them or whatever

how am I gonna get to the beach i'll take the bus one ticket please to the beach please but my voice is going oh you can just hold on to the back of the boss yeah that's true bosses have bugs that's that's true i guess you gotta avoid getting run over yeah Yeah, that's... Oh, yeah. But you could quickly, if it's at night, I think you've got maybe a bit more of a chance of success. Yeah, just catch the night bus. Yeah, that's true. Because you could scurry...

Train? Oh, oh, oh, a garbage truck. Oh, that's true. Garbage trucks do crush things. But, like, how deep? What? What? How deep is what?

Like, if I'm... So you've got, like, say, the back of the garbage truck, and you've got the front bit where, you know, and then it pushes it. How deep is it pushing? Is there enough room for me just to be chill? No, it crushes everything. It's not empty.

What do you mean, to what point? Two things come together, press together, and then pull back. Like, does it go like, you know... If I am in the garbage, the garbage will compress around me. Until I am crushed. Yeah, but I'm a bug. That's even what bugs get crushed all the time. Yeah, but I can move and fit in.

I feel like you're thinking about it like they put a thing in the garbage truck and then the equivalent of a broom just brushes into the back of the box. No, no, no, kind of like, uh, uh, if you ever used to, if you've worked at like a, like a, a Woolies or a Coles and they had like the, the car, like the cardboard crush thing. Yeah. There'd be a spot down the bottom where it wouldn't like hit, you know, metal to floor. There'd be like a gap. But if I'm in the stuff that's getting crushed, it will crush me. Yeah, because it's crushing the stuff on top of you and into the... If I've got garbage on top or below me and that is compressed... No, because if it's soft, it will go into you. It will push hard because there's no...

But what is the... The garbage is what stops it from touching metal to metal. If you put in, say for example, you have a body. I want to dispose of this dead body, and you put it in the trash, and it goes into a garbage truck. What happens? Does it get squished completely?

Well, it gets squished completely, yeah. It would become compacted like the rest of the trash. How compact? Compacted enough to kill me. This is one of those conversations where people have stopped listening and been like, okay, this week's episode wasn't for me. If there's like a little space. I got deep.

It made me so much stupider. I stopped. I'll try again next week. Is there a little bit of space that I could maybe jam? I don't know. Like an iron rod? I don't. I still.

That doesn't destroy me Completely and utterly What do you think will happen If you get into a garbage truck Put a metal rod Somehow that you've just acquired In to stop the compactor They press the button, the compactor fucks up

Because the compactor is trying to get the The compactor Thing to hit the back wall of the truck. Because again, the more it fills up, it's going to be less around the stuff. It stops at a certain resistance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm in the stuff that's getting compacted. But I can scurry.

Well, then you're not in the garbage truck anymore. Where are you scurrying? In the top. Do you mean the top? Then how much space? What? Do you mean the top? I'm serious.

Do you mean the top? I'm just wondering the top of the trash so you can kind of... The top of the... So you think when you look at a garbage truck that they compact

that doesn't go all the way... They don't have an open top. Yeah. On the inside. Yeah, so you think that when they compact rubbish... Some rubbish is on top and goes behind the thing that's... Yeah, and then when the compressor comes back out it shoots it out of the...

What do you mean? It compacts it. It compacts the rubbish. How much give is there? No! That's part of the compactor. There's not meant to be give. People die in compactors all the time.

If there's meant to be give, it's not working properly. Because then it's like compacting. Think about all the shit you put in the bin. Yeah. That has to be squashed. You put something in the bin, and then you put your foot over the trash and press down. Yeah. And there's a bug in there.

It's going to get squished. The bug doesn't get squished because it can survive that. The bug can survive being pushed in. The bug doesn't get squished because the bug can survive that. Well, yeah, it depends. Are you about to say that's what the bugs are for? No. What?

I'm so afraid and confused. If you have a bunch of trash, yes, and there's like a cockroach in that trash and you push it to compact, you're not going to kill

the cockroach. Not with my foot, but if I have a metal fucking industrial thing squishing down, the cockroach will probably die. Probably not, because there'll be gaps

and stuff it can scurry around. That's the point of the compactors to not have gaps. That's what the compactor does, it gets rid of probably die. Probably not, because there'll be gaps and stuff it can scurry around. That's the point of the compactors, to not have gaps. It doesn't get rid of the gaps. There's going to be a limit. It can't be a completely zero gap. The limit is smaller than a cockroach. I don't think that's true. I think there'll be

definitely space for a cockroach. Maybe not a six foot cockroach. You're also the same size as a guy. I know that. I've never been so strong. This is your fucking fault. This is my fault. I wish I never suggested this episode.

I'm just saying. I want to think about being a big cockroach. Now I'm trying to figure out bins. If you, okay, say a big rat got into a garbage truck, like the compactor, it would die. I would imagine yes. I don't think it would. I think the rat would die because I think they would almost, in a garbage truck, like the compactor, it would die? I would imagine yes. I don't think it would. I think the rat would die

because I think they would almost, in a weird way, want the rat to die so that when they took the trash out of the tin... It's not full of rats. I don't think it would die. It's not touching metal to metal. No, but it'll be in between a fucking...

End carton and a fucking old can. I just don't think it would... just don't think the rat will survive. This is crazy. This is crazy to me. And you're dead if you're a cockroach in a truck. Especially if you're six foot tall. Well, look. I found a video called Trash Compactors, How Do They Work?

Yeah. It's a short video. I'm going to skim through it and hope that I get footage where I can be like, see? Do you see what we mean? Anyway, right now, I guess that's my move. Immediately. Let's not forget that. You'll go in a bug world and I'm dead.

That's funny because initially we brought up the garbage truck because you were like, that's what I could get in on my trip to the beach. You're just going in it for no reason. To prove a point, I guess. I was going to go, because again, if I eat trash, and then I'm going to go hopefully to the tip. I eat trash, and then I'm going to go hopefully

to the tip. So I'm there eating trash, hopefully going to go to the tip, and maybe like, I guess Luke Skywalker in the Star Wars. Oh, nicely done. It is funny to imagine the garbage people getting out that compacted trash at the end of the- That was a big- What the fuck?

There's a lot of bug guts in this trash for some reason. getting out that compacted trash at the end of the... That was a big... What the fuck? There's a lot of bug guts in this trash for some reason. And I'm there being like, I thought I could survive this. I don't understand how trash compacts work. I thought there was like a bit of give. All right, so. Yeah. No, not yeah. Because this is going to look like you think you're right.

No, maybe. I hope so. All right. So see how the rubbish is in the hole and then it's compacting. It's going to feel good in my carapace. I could scurry in between that. Oh yeah.

Rat could survive. Still pushing. Six foot man, no. A rat could survive that. And then it's going to pull back and reveal that that's actually a big drop and it's a big metal wall that was survive that. And then it's going to pull back and reveal that that's actually a big drop, and it's a big metal wall that was doing that, and not just a little platform. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

A rat could survive that. We're going to have to agree to disagree. A rat could survive that 100%. Still, we can put a rat in a trash compactor. A rat could 100% survive that. They don't lose scurry around. I haven't seen the video. A cockroach could 100% survive that. They are a little scurry around. I haven't seen the video. A cockroach could 100% survive that.

I gotta see the video now. A rat, I would say, 90%. I gotta show you the video. I'm just gonna quickly Google, can a rat survive a trash compactor? If Zamas vindicated, I'll kill myself. Yeah, I'm pretty much up there with you. But that's not Zamas' right. There's nothing left for me on this earth, okay?

There's just like... That's it, I'll jump off a bridge. A rat can survive a trash compactor. Never mind. I think I could. Apparently trash compactors are really often used because it prevents rats, which makes me think that's because the rats would die. Because if you just got like a skip, for instance,

or like a big garbage bin. Well, because the rats could get in there, right? No, because is it the compactors? Like, you know, those bins that you open it up and you put it in there, whatever. No, no, no. It's because compressing the trash would kill the rats, I'm assuming, is why they do it.

Well, as you make an assumption, is it saying that's the reason why? It says, rodent repulsing says trash feeds rats because there's a broken garbage compactor. How trash compactors can help growing trash issues. Yeah, because you're compacting the trash. That's about like, it's more about attracting the rats. Why is the compacted trash not attracting the rats? Well, look, because it's compacted and also- So they can't get to it.

They're like, I don't want it. But if you put a rat in there, would it survive? Uh-oh. Is that a rat? Is Jackson killing himself? Am I going to have to jump off a bridge? No. Okay, thank goodness.

But it's not so cut and dry. It's enough to give him some satisfaction. As for the rat population, the trash compactor won't eliminate the pests. Okay. But its design will deny them a source of food and shelter. Well, I don't even know of that. That's not talking about crushing them.

That sounds like a bit of a dedication. Well, no rat could survive. Anyway, I guess the jury's still out. So, like a rat, I could crawl into a ground compactor. As a 5'10 cockroach squished to death.

The garbage people are like, we don't know what this was. We made a horrible popping noise. We're not going to tell anybody what we saw today. We're like, where's Zalman? And you're like, I saw him as a big beetle. He jumped in a garbage truck straight away. He said, I can survive this like a rat. I'm going to go to the trash, the tip and eat trash.

Oh, I think he popped in there. What are you doing? I said, I'm going to the beach. I'll go to the beach. I'll eat from trash cans. I'll steal people's chips and seagulls. I'll go wash myself in the sea. Yeah, so Gregor doesn't survive.

He gets hit with an apple, yeah. He gets hit with an apple. That isn't what kills him. He kills himself through Star Wars. How does he hunt? That makes sense. I was just trying to imagine a beetle hanging itself. No, so he realizes he's a burden and everyone hates him.

How is he a burden? Because he's a giant cockroach living in a house. Because he's a giant cockroach and he was the breadwinner of the family. But then they moved on. Well, yeah, they have at this point, but they've moved on because he wasn't there to support them. Yeah. Is the idea. But now he's like, oh, there's a new family in.

They've just piled up bullshit in this room and I'm a beard. No, but then they're complaining it to the landlord. Because he's annoying in that room, doing nothing, he contributes nothing to society, i.e. the metaphor of Franz Kafka's metamorphosis, Gregor Samson's a big bug now. Yeah, yeah, so he's a

burden, so he starves himself to death. I don't see myself as a burden. Yeah, I don't also see yourself, he's like, he's not doing much. No, I think Gregor Samson was a bird, but I'm not. I'm just a guy at the beach. I think you're more of a nuisance. Yeah, they might send guys to get me or whatever, but I'm not in anyone's way.

Would a bird be able to kill you? If the bird knew where my sensitive spot was, maybe. What about a fish? Well, the water would kill him. Because you just said, I'm going to go into the sea to wash. How are you good with ties? Well, can beetles swim?

No. No. They cannot. Not beetles. Cockroaches, right? They'll survive anything. I think you can drown a cockroach still, though. Including this?

I think you can drown a cockroach. Eventually. After enough time. A cockroach can live without its head. Yeah, that is true. Maybe I'll be fine. Like, not sentient. No longer alive. I'll be living around. I'll die of starvation. That's true, because you can no longer

eat. Yeah, good point. Fair enough. I wonder what's going on. Okay, yeah, yeah. Oh, he'll die of starvation. That's true because you can no longer eat. Yeah, good point. Fair enough. I don't know what's going on. Okay, they do drown. Some of them take ages to drown, but they do drown. They can float, sort of. How long do they take? 15 minutes is like a long time.

Well, I'm not going to be underwater for 15 minutes. I'm just going into the shallows and washing my feelers and stuff. You don't have a choice. The moment you're in the water, you're underwater. Well, I'm on the beach, so I'm just where the waves are crashing. You're not a guy anymore. I know, I'm a beetle. Where's the beetle's head?

Oh, the beetle. I can lift it up a little bit. Just lift it up a little bit, yeah. Or I just back into the sea. Keep my face to the shore. Okay, I'll pay that. I can clean your beetle ass. Yeah, I can clean my beetle asshole in the sea.

Who do you think the people would call? Wait, does salt hurt cockroaches? It probably isn't. No, it's fine. It'd make me tough. Leathery. He's not a slug. Yeah.

You know what might kill me? A dog. Yeah. So I'll be at the beach just like scrounging for chips and stuff. And somebody with like a big Rottweiler will be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I'll be like, turn around and be like, oh, fuck. And then the dog would just start attacking me. It'll tear off one of my arms.

Then the lady will be like, I don't know if you're not a citizen, so this isn't murder. That's what they'll say. I would say youths and other folk might just throw rocks at you. I reckon you might also get gulped by crabs. Oh, shit. When I sleep, the crabs come. And I might get graffitied.

Yeah, you get graffitied on. When you sleep, do you sleep on your back? Also, people are seeing you, considering that Gregor is so disgusting that his mum passes out. Yeah. That's only because she didn't want the bug man masturbating. Yeah, there's nothing sexual about my beachside existence. She's not fainting because she's like, oh, a horny bug. A horny bug, oh no.

He's just like, awful to look at. But surely an element of the mother's disgust is, look what's happened to my son. Well, no, they don't seem to care about that. Well, then, yeah, never mind. Because they do abandon him and not give a shit. That's a good point. They're happy he dies. What are people going to,

was he saying people are going to kill me on the beach? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. Also, how much of, like, a cockroach's brain do we have? Well, we are slowly devolving. Because you don't want to be out in sunlight because you are now scared of birds and light.

Well, yeah, that's true. You'll be trying to scurry under stuff. Well, I could go hide under the docks or whatever bridge under the under the pier and then like oh what a cave like if i find like a sort of like a pirate's cove or whatever i'll hide in there and then when the sun comes down that actually works in my favor because then i can kind of like you know unmolested explore the beach gather whatever chips people have left no one goes to the beach at night oh yeah famously and people that go to the beach, get whatever chips people have left over. Do you know how no one goes to the beach at night? Oh yeah, famously. And people that go to the beach at night, I mean, they don't exist, but they always... But if they were to.

Oh, and if they were, they would definitely always behave themselves and not kill a big bug they saw. You're gonna come find me the next day and I'm gonna be covered in dick and nuts and swastikas, aren't I? And cut in half with a shovel. They really fucked him up. Yeah. You're just going to get like someone's going to freak out

and go get some bug spray come back and just spray the shit out of you. And I'm going to be screeching and screeching. You two are going to arrive at the beach to hang out with me. We had a day planned.

Yeah, a bug day. I'm like, alright, so I've got the bug spray you got the shovel? Oh, you're going to kill me. Then you arrive and you see just like a bunch of seagulls surrounding something on the beach.

And you're like, oh, someone got there first. Motherfuckers. Damn. What am I going to do with this bug spray? Birds eat bugs. Yes, that's true. So you're going to hassle a seagull and it might just bite off your leg. Oh, yeah.

How strong are your legs? They're not so strong. Yeah. And in fact, there's a scene where Gregor Samson tries to get through a doorway, I think. And this is just maneuvering his bug body through a doorway. And he cuts himself already on just blunt wood. You're not very strong. You're pretty weak.

You're getting crushed in the garbage. Yeah, and he gets hurt by an apple. I'm aware. Dumb question, maybe. Say a cockroach. Okay. It'm aware. Dumb question, maybe. With, say, a cockroach. Okay. It gets cut. How does it heal?

The same way a fella does. Cells re-knit themselves? Yeah, but it's a carapace, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's all cells. It's like if you stab a crab, but only a little bit. It'll heal back up. Yeah.

I don't know if that's strictly true, but... Don't they molt? Crabs. 2023, baby. I got a good feeling about it. It's going to be our year. We've done it again. Woo!

What has become of us? Sometimes we just, you know, one of us has to become the dance of the episode. And today that's me. No, today it's everyone, apparently. Including the listeners. Happy 2023. We're all dumb cunts.

We're big hats. Fuck it. But do crabs molt? No! Crabs don't molt. But if you damage a crab's shell. The shell's like their skin, basically, yeah? It's an exoskeleton.

So they don't molt it because it's their skeleton. Do cockroaches molt? Yes, I think cockroaches molt. Okay. But I guess that's their exoskeleton as well, so I don't know what that's about. But also, if you hit a... If you hit a crab with a hammer

and chip a part of the crab off, it's not going to grow that part back. You sure? Pretty sure. A crab? A crab? Crabs. I think a crab will grow back a little bit. Will it?

It won't be perfect, but it'll grow. If a crab loses an arm, it don't grow back. Yeah, but if you lose an arm, you don't grow back. But if you get a little cut on your skin, it'll heal up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. Why don't you say yeah?

Like, that's what, what? So then what, at what point will a crab grow back a little bit of shell? I think it'll just- Will it take time? I don't, I don't think it will. I think it doesn't work for turtles. I know if you damage a turtle shell, it doesn crab grow back a little bit of shell? Will it take time? I don't think it will. I think it doesn't work for turtles. I know if you damage a turtle's shell it doesn't grow back, but I don't know

what that's about. It's good to take this moment to look across the room at our trophy for best comedy podcast at the podcast awards. And be like,

is it? How far we've fallen? All stayed the same. I know a lobster could keep growing. Yeah. Yeah. It can. Where's this going?

What do you mean? A lobster can keep growing. It can keep growing no matter, Where's this going? What do you mean? A lobster can keep growing Yeah like it keeps growing No matter like It just keeps going And it doesn't die of old age So it keeps getting bigger Lobsters do die of old age

That's a myth by the way They do still keep growing though That is true Same with snakes Yeah Yeah Not all snakes But some snakes just continually

Grow, grow, grow, grow Why do some things Malt and some don't? Why snakes shed skin But a lobster don't? Why snakes shed skin, but a lobster don't? Well, because a snake has skin. We also only have shell. I know that, I guess. But not like how a snake does.

You don't see me rubbing up against a tree. A snake doesn't have a shell. What? Well, now we know what's going to happen. I know a snake does well now we know what's gonna happen because again if we take it back to the start of metamorphosis

where Gregor's just lying and thinking about how fucked up his life is we're gonna have a huge existential crisis of how stupid we are and we're all gonna be fucking trying to kill ourselves

just none of us will be able to roll over that's what I'm saying we all just stay on our back try a none of us will be able to roll over. That's what I'm saying. We'll just stay on our back, try a little bit, can't be bothered to die. No, it's not happening. Whatever. Maybe if I go to sleep I'll wake up as a frog or something. Yeah, actually, that might be

a go-to move. Go to sleep, see what else you come back as? Yeah! That's funny you say come back like you died. Oh, I reincarnated wrong? Well, maybe that is what I would think had happened when I woke up as a giant cockroach. You'd be like, you've reincarnated. Cockroach, appropriate.

Yeah, yeah. You're like, given my karmic balance, this is where I'd end up. It makes a lot of sense considering how I live my life. So I guess maybe if I did think that, which would be a surprise, because currently I don't believe in reincarnation, but I guess if it happened to me, I would. Yeah, fair call.

I wouldn't deny my own existence. So then I guess I would try and live a good cockroach life. Do you mean a life good for a cockroach or good for a person? I think it would have to be good karma for a cockroach. What's good morally for a cockroach? What's karmically positive for a cockroach? Well, I guess a cockroach What's comically positive for a cockroach Well I guess that's probably what I'd be thinking about What do cockroaches do

What do cockroaches do that's bad On a comic scale They can rock food sometimes If they go over my sandwich I don't want to eat it anymore Scare your mother when you get too horny Everyone's mom would be scared If their boy got too horny when they're in the womb. Oh, yes, actually, you go in a bug world, makes sense.

You're like, let me just remove myself from the equation. I'll go underground instead. And then maybe I can live a good bug life. Good bug life. I'll watch a bug's life to try and figure out what to do next. What happens in a bug's life? The ant. And the worm. No happens in a bug's life? The ant. Yeah.

And the worm. No. Caterpillar. Big, beautiful butterfly. No, he's a caterpillar first. He's a caterpillar first. Why are we jumping to him? A ladybug voiced by Dennis Leary.

Yes. No, there's ants, and they live under a tree. And they, every fucking summer summer bring a bunch of crap to a big pile. And that's where Hopper or the Hoppers. Are you thinking of ants? No, I'm not thinking of ants! And the grasshoppers come and take all of the

crap that they've fucking harvested. This is an ant! It sounds like an ant. No! Ants is about Woody Allen is an ant. And he's neurotic. And then there's bad ants who want to take over the colony. No, Ants is about Woody Allen is an ant. And he's neurotic. And he's neurotic. Okay. And then there's bad ants who want to take over the colony.

Okay. And he goes and gets in a shoe or whatever. Anyway, you know, Bugs Life, then it's a fucking Seven Samurai. Main ant boy's got to go to the ant city, bug city, I mean. He recruits circus bugs to fight the grasshoppers, and then they come back and fight the grasshoppers, even though they're circus bugs. And they say, hey, forget about it. It's a bug's life.

It's a bug's life, baby. I guess this movie wouldn't help me figure out my current situation. So I guess you've got to go to the bug city. I'll see you there, buddy. And destroy. I guess I go to Bug World. Grasshoppers. What's the enemy of a cockroach?

Nothing. I guess a boot. That's true. Yeah. I think the beach was really the best place for me, to be honest. Bug world is the best. Beach is a terrible idea. I would say a forest.

A forest is good. A forest is a good place to be. Even a sewer. Would a fox get you? Would a fox get you? No, you're too big for a fox. Foxes are little. Okay.

Do you think if I became a beetle, like, would you kill me? Yeah. What? What do you mean? I wouldn't kill you if you became a beetle. How much of a beetle am I? Okay, so we're on tour. That's a funny change of situation.

We're on tour. We're all sleeping in the same hotel. You knock on my door. I'm like, boys, come in'm like boys come in You come in I still have human speech enough To be like hey I've become a big beetle I'm still Jackson I'm just a big beetle as well

I wouldn't kill you Because you've spoken to me But if I was But if you were just a giant beetle I'd be like ah okay we you were just a giant beetle, I'd be like, ah, okay, we've got to kill that. This giant beetle killed Jackson. But I lose the ability to speak after a bit. That's going to be when we're on stage, isn't it?

That's embarrassing. And then you're just going to only want to scurry onto the ceiling. Yeah. Is that because Sansa accepts this? How long until the audience noticed? No, it just happens to him gradually. Because he thinks he's talking. He thinks he's speaking.

But he's actually just making squeaking sounds. So I'd be the same. We'd be riffing and you'd be telling jokes and I'd just be like We wouldn't notice for a good ten minutes. It's good that you just kept the riff going. That's good. Good on you. Professionals. Then would you kill me? We'd probably just abandon you

I'd be like Dude Do you still think you're speaking? Because you're not What do you want? Yeah dude I think you've become more of a bug Do you still think man thoughts or bug thoughts?

And then all I can say is Okay Tap this I'll put like a yes no in front of you And you get to tap which one I just put a yes, no in front of you, and you get to tap which one. I just suck eat both of them into my mouth. Bug thoughts.

Wait, is that just Jackson? Is he saying yes and no at the same time? Do you think it would be funny, or is he just hungry? Seems like eating those plastic things have made him very sick. I'm going to do yes, no, maybe, and see what happens. Eat all three again. Yeah, bug thoughts. It's all bug thoughts, baby.

All bug thoughts. What do you want? I don't think I'm killing you. I'm just leaving you behind. I'm abandoning you for sure. Where are you abandoning me? Wherever you are. The pub that we're performing in?

Okay, fair enough. Their problem now. The hotel. The hotel. I might drive you to a tip. Oh, okay. That's kind of you. You're going to put a giant bug in your car.

Yeah. It was Jackson. It's just me. I would be so. You're going to put a giant bug in your car. Yeah. What's Jackson? It's just me. I would be so scared. No way. You've got bug thoughts. Yeah. He's just going to be scurrying around the roof of your car.

Yeah, it's true. Put me in the boot. Yeah. I don't know if you could. You wouldn't be able to fit him because you can't crush up a car. I can fit him. You can't. You're going to damage me.

You're going to open the boot and be like. I don't care at this point. Sorry, Jackson. About damaging him. You're going to get snapped in half. He'll fit in the boot. Instead of taking me out of the boot so I can feast, you just slop me onto that.

And I'll be like, right, cockroaches heal. They molt, yeah. They molt like a crab. You both get in the car, drive away, rest in peace me, dead at the tip. Well, you'll be dead as a person. That's where I want it. Yeah, that's true. But that's what maybe you'll say you'll be like

that's probably where he's going to die anyway yeah bug or no bug bug or no bug Jackson was going to be dead at the tip one way or another

so hey you know Sailor V they just continued the tour as normal I guess yeah that's cool

well yeah it's nice that we all kind of like well me and you ended up at the same place I guess I got there quicker and it depends on how bug world goes.

They could just dig down and find a power cord and die. Yeah, but it's clever going down because you're going underground while you still have man thoughts. And then once you're underground, the bug thoughts kick in. Bugs are meant to be underground. You've just got to find

rotten food to eat. That's also what bugs do. You're eating worms and stuff. to find like rotten food to eat. Yeah. That's easy. That's also what bugs do. Yeah. You're eating worms and stuff. Worms. I'll get into a bit. But you're a big roach. So it's like, how many worms you got to eat?

What do cockroaches eat? Garbage. Yeah. You probably actually have to get out of bug world and go to tip world, to be honest. I think tip, good for bug. Yeah. Good for bug. Tip, great for bug.

Really good for bug. Really good for bug. Yeah for bug really good for bug so I guess if you wake up and you become a giant cockroach get to the tip or the garbage dump

which is what some people would call it don't take the compactor don't take the compactor don't take the compactor don't take the boss don't go to the beach I've got a brilliant idea

I'm gonna I'm gonna get into like the bin and I'm gonna get someone to wheel me out and I'm gonna wait there with a big grin on my face. I'm going to be bug-faced like I've got a garbage can, so I'm going to go as a free ride to the tip and dead.

I'll just go between the garbage. Oh, wait. The compactor doesn't compact at all. It doesn't go all the way. There's give. There'll be enough. There's give. There's give.

I've got a hard caramel. There's give. There was no got a hard caramel There's give There was no give And then a rat can survive in my guts Because rats can survive being compacted Yeah I'm furious once again Well

On that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson And I've also been Joel 2023 Jackson maybe it's a year you don't suggest fucking stupid topics, eh? I don't know if this was the topic's fault, to be honest with you. Well, the expert has read one third of the book.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. 2023, baby, It's all you.