Plumbing the Death Star - Do You Still Fear Crime in the Marvel Cinematic Universe?

Episode Date: August 1, 2021

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's hottest podcast network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, do you still fear crime in the Marvel Cinematic Universe? Me? No. What kind of crime? What kind of crime do I need to be fearing?

Sir, I mean, you live in a world now. Okay. In a world. Where either you blinked out of existence or definitely someone you knew. Half the people you knew. Half the people I knew, gone. But then back. In a world where 50% of the population went,

and then they're back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you still fear crime? So basically what I'm trying to say with this question is the Marvel Cinematic Universe is full of superheroes. Yes, sure. Usually when you associate superheroes, they're fighting crime. Right. But the MCU has created an interesting problem for, I guess, its citizens, which is like, do you really give a shit about someone robbing your shop when you know that there is like aliens and galactic races that are wiping out? And also you also are now aware that superheroes are real and that superheroes are capable of pretty much anything,

including bringing 50% of the population back. So if someone's like, a man comes into your store with a gun, you're like, Iron Man will probably kill you the moment you walk out. No, but he won't. Didn't you just say that he won't? Like, none of the MCU heroes fight crime. So in fact, I'm actually more frightened of crime because the people who are out there who are like,

we're protecting you are actually not protecting me. Yeah, they're doing with bigger shit, especially military. And also, again, it's like S.H.I.E.L.D. who were meant to protect us were revealed to just to be villains. And then their helicarrier crashed and then all my tax money, where'd that go to? I'm irate. And then like, it's all right.

But then SWORD comes along. Oh, no, they're bad too. It's kind of like saying like, hey, dude, there's the army. So do you fear crime? Yeah. It's like, hey, there's a space army or alien army. I think I would, like living in Australia, do I, what is my experience of superheroes in the MCU?

Because a lot of it is American-centric. Except for the stuff that happens in Slovakia. Sokovia? Sokovia. Yeah. Slovenia. And Wakanda as well. So it's like Wakanda.

Wakanda stuff, not on the news. That's true. Eventually it goes on the news, though. What, sorry? Eventually it goes on the news, because the king got blown up, and then he's like, we're doing an outreach program. That's true. Wakanda on the news.

Wakanda news being like, they got vibranium? So they revealed that they have powers and vibranium in a super city, yeah? Yeah. That's crazy. That would be huge news. I mean, I guess it's Thanos, so it's kind of... There's a lot of huge news happening. And I'm just like, I don't know what's going on.

Every time you turn on the TV, you're like, click, huge news! The 24-hour news cycle is the one-hour news cycle. Okay, let's just... Again, you're going through... You're right, because do you fear crime? Because you're like, okay, hey, remember that time that purple gunk just grew for a bit and attacked our citizens? Yeah.

What the fuck was that? But you wouldn't, us here in Down Under, we wouldn't remember it like that. We would be like, bad thing happening in Philadelphia, and we'd be like, oh, I hope they're okay, and then change the channel to Better Homes and Gardens. Yeah, I guess. Let's see if Harry can see a koala or whatever.

And then a Spider-Man comes like, where's our Spider-Man? It's that guy, Tom, from Better Homes and Gardens. He was on Dancing with the Stars. He won because he took off his shirt and everyone went, hubba hubba. Yeah, really got that mum demographic. Yeah. We don't know anything that's happening in the MCU because we're watching

Better Homes and Gardens and Dancing with the Stars. So I guess, okay, Yeah, we don't know anything that's happening. Yeah, because we're watching So I guess okay, so let's let's face this we're in the Marvel Cinematic Universe But we're in Australia just for the time being obviously we'll explore what will happen if we of course it's it's Jackson It's do sure examine and we're in New York now I'm eating this pizza I'm not milk By way of Transylvania By way of Transylvania One and a half of my body Is just disappearing I'm fucking here So okay In Australia

Yeah The events are happening We're turning on the news We're like oh shit Yeah Cause like Cause stuff like Avengers Yeah

Cause this I know we've done this With Covetous before Like what with the John Q citizen. And we're going to touch on bits of that, but we won't do the whole episode again. Surprise. Well, maybe we will. Bonus sneaky episode.

What if we did it again, but good and didn't invite that foul mouth James fellow? I'm pretty sure it was in that episode. Don't fact check me. Anyway, in Australia, a lot of the early stuff doesn't touch us so like the first Avengers film we're just like oh shit

New York I mean well we're probably not nonchalant about it like oh shit aliens are real The thing is it would have been

I love doing Iron Man 1 happens we're like oh yeah that war criminal Tony Stark he got a big suit good for him I guess

But even that that would just be like a weird thing But you know Hulk was a happening Yeah Hulk Good for him, I guess. But even that, that would just be a weird thing to do. But you know what? Hulk was a happening. Yeah. Hulk was a happening. So I'm going to be more scared of the Hulk thing. What's that?

I think what is probably going to happen is up until the first Avengers film, the government and S.H.I.E.L.D. are keeping things under wraps. There would be crypto zoologists being like, you hear about this weird green monster? Yeah. Or like, hey, do you remember that energy drink that they got pulled off the market? Yeah. Because it made Stan Lee a monster. No, it made Stan Lee die.

Oh, that's sad. Goodbye, true believers. That bit probably doesn't play as well now that he's dead in real life. It was gonna happen. Yeah. It's not controversial to say Stan Lee was gonna die. Maybe in Yeah. Yeah. It's not controversial to say Stanley was going to die.

Maybe in poor taste, but it's not controversial. No, but the thing is that you're right. It's so weird. Obviously, we watch these films and you're not thinking about the fact that they all take place in America. But we would be, even though we're in Australia. And as it got worse and worse over the years we would be like something is wrong we should probably cancel our tour

yeah but yeah I'm not we're not I don't want to go like it's just it doesn't happen anywhere else

I mean I guess Thor 2 happened in Britain a bit yeah it was a bit in London yeah we're like I thought I was safe in there

yeah but like see Thor on the news be like he sounds a bit like us keep tabs on that isn't he on Neighbours isn't he on Home and Away that's the one I mean wasn't he on Dancing with the be like, he sounds a bit like us. Keep tabs on that. Isn't he on Neighbours? Isn't he on Home and Away?

That's the one I mean. Wasn't he on Dancing with the Stars? Doesn't he have brothers? Yeah. Aren't they also from us? Yeah. So you fast forward a bunch of stuff that's in the news

that we sort of getting when we were horrified because at first, well, aliens definitely exist. Yeah, I think what happens, what blows the doors off

is the first Avengers film because you're like, aliens exist, New York's fucked. But it doesn't though because there is still, there is like, I think it happens, what blows the doors off is the first Avengers film, because, like, aliens exist, New York's fucked. But it doesn't, though. Because there is still, there is, like, I think it's in maybe Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. People being like, it's a conspiracy theory. No one should know what happens in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Because I refuse to believe that a single person on Earth watched that television program.

But that might have actually been, wasn't that, like, at the end of Avengers? I mean, I kind of remember the scene where it's like, people are like, oh, I refuse to believe any of that happened. And like, it was, it was like an afternoon. You know what I mean? So like, maybe we would. Didn't Loki go to Germany as well? So maybe some stuff happens in Germany

briefly. Yeah. Captain America was a guy, like a thing historically. A mascot. Yeah, but he was a mascot. We don't know about his secret. But then he pops back up. He pops back up and we're just like, oh, it's. Because we know about the super serum works. We knew that because there's a whole museum about it.

Doping would be off the charts. You're telling me that like anyone trying to get an edge in, just like sports wise, they would be trying to recreate the super Soldier Serum, whatever it is. Yeah, not enough of the superheroes that come about because of a recreated Super Soldier Serum are like athletes. But they should be, yeah. Because of the Super Soldier thing and it being very public knowledge, I guess everyone would just constantly be referring to Steve Rogers

as having small balls. Small balls Rogers, found in ice. Because you have like, you know, with Falcon and the Winter Soldier, where you have all these like different, like people trying to recreate the super soldier serum and it kind of gets out there. It's like a man thing, baby. Exactly.

But the thing is like, it wouldn't just be called the super soldier serum. There'd be like offshoots. There'd be so many more people. They'd be like, we know that there is a thing we can do to the human body that kind of transforms a like fivefoot-two dweeb boy into a six-foot-two hunk.

I don't like the way he dressed it to me when he said dweeb boy. Did you see that? Yeah, I think it was. And then he dressed it to no one when he said hunk. He moved his arm. Fair call. Yeah, no, that's fair. Is this worse?

A five-foot-two dweeb boy and a six-foot-two hunk. I pointed a jacks at the dweeb boy and a six foot two hunk. I pointed a jacks at the dweeb boy and then myself at hunk. Was that more insulting? Because it was you. I was like, yeah. I can't imagine that interaction would have gone. So again, so you have like just the signs there of like, oh, it can happen. So there would be so many, like so many more people.

But it wouldn't affect us. Well, no, no. I'm just putting that out there. It wouldn't affect us well no no I'm just putting that out there it wouldn't affect us well I don't know what if I got government officials like putting the water supply let's see what happens

fluoride made their teeth good what the fuck chuck that in see what happens make them supermans this doesn't really tie back into the crime thing yet but I guess

it would definitely make conspiracy theories way more I mean one out there and two even the more fox conspiracies would be way easier to believe because we're like okay but we live in a world

where the super soldier serum transformed the guy yeah yeah so like well i mean i'm finding out that the queen is a reptile or whatever like well maybe also eventually probably yes when scrolls happen you know what i mean like so a lot of these conspiracy theories actually do get proven true. Oh, S.H.I.E.L.D., I hear, because there's no way you can keep it a secret forever, I hear they're Nazis. But S.H.I.E.L.D. you're not meant to know exists. We probably wouldn't know about S.H.I.E.L.D. Yeah, we would, because Black Widow was like, hey, this.

Oh yeah, the leak. She became Julian Assange. I forgot about that. There's a lot. Or whoever the... Julian Assange's the bad. there's a lot or whoever the Julian Assange the bad there was two leakers one's bad

and one's less bad one's Snowden one's Julian Assange I don't know one of the look listeners one of them is bad

and one of them is good and I know that but I don't know which is which it's hard to say nah because one of them there's a whole

it doesn't matter guess one is Chelsea Madden her no she did good I think yeah maybe maybe they both anyway One of them, there's a whole, it doesn't matter. Chelsea Madden? Her? No. She did good, I think. Yeah, maybe. Or maybe they both.

Anyway. One of them pushed an agenda, one didn't. I don't know. But then also one maybe was. With the geopolitical issues of what I will. Anyway, Black Widow was probably the good version of that. Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. I'm an ignorant man, JD. Which means that once that happens. Yeah. Everything's fucked. Yeah, sure. Yeah. I forgot about- I'm an ignorant man, JD. Which means that once that happens, everything's fucked. Well, yeah. And then the thing is, when Black Widow

releases that, right? Yeah, it's encrypted, but people kind of decipher it. That's what happens with Baron Zemo. He deciphers it, realizes all this bullshit happens, and that's how he gets information

to try and split up the Avengers. For sure. So again, it's that kind of thing where you're like- Why'd she release- That's weird. She gives like info dump. up the Avengers. For sure. So again, it's that kind of thing where you're like, That's weird. She gives like info dump. Just like, there it is.

Just quicker maybe. Info dumping encrypted, Mr. Either post it or don't. Yeah. Well, maybe she was like, she'll do it like this. And then the clever people who deserve to find out. Exactly. The intelligent people of the world, like Baron Zemo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank God. Anyway, so once that happens. So it's like, all the information's out there. And that happens during civil. No, yeah, yeah. Thank God. Anyway, so once that happens. All the information's out there. And that happens during civil. No, that happens post Winter Soldier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So before Age of Ultron, which again, the Ultron stuff we knew about because their robots went everywhere.

Yeah. But is your argument about crime, Dusha, that we would have. It just gets to a point where you're like, look, I'm not worried about crime, Dusha, that we would have- It just gets to a point where you're like, look, I'm not worried about crime. I'm so existentially terrified all the time that the idea of being robbed at gunpoint doesn't even make my heart beat a little bit. Well, that and mixed with the fact that there's superheroes out there

and it's getting to the point now where there's so many. And, I mean, like, Tony Stark and whatever doesn't fight just like a guy with a gun, but Spider-Man does. Yeah, name anyone else, though. Yeah, because this is a- Captain America. No, not Captain America.

Are we looking at the Netflix series at all in terms of canon? No, no, no. Not the Netflix series. No, because I think there's a trick where they're not really- Ronan. Ronan? Ronan. Hawkeye.

Hawkeye. Yeah, but he's like- He kills Yakuza. He kills Yakuza. He kills Yakuza. And a lot of other- He kills organized crime. Yeah, but that's just organized crime. Yeah, but-

No, but you know what I mean? So that's not street-level crime. Organized crime is like- If you found out right now there was a guy killing mafia men, would you feel safer? Or would you just be like, oh, that's just mafia shit. No, no, no. I think that if I found out that there was a guy going around

killing mafia men in my area. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're living underbelly. All right. If I find out. Well, actually, yeah, that's a fucking good point. It happened in Victoria. Did you feel safer?

No, it was worse. So that's what I mean. Finding out that someone got shot in the head in their car at a footy oval within a 20-minute drive from wherever I was at the time. I was like, oh, yeah, that's bad news. So it's fucking terrifying. Yeah, finding me like, oh, I like that bar. Oh, I don't like that bar.

Yeah, so you wouldn't feel safer knowing that Ronan was out there, Ronan, and you'd be like, God fucking damn it. There's storms brewing. Yeah, because the thing is- I've got to get out of Tokyo. There's that line, and I think it is in Civil War, where Vision is like, hey, the number of super villains, basically, that have risen up when we've joined is like,

it's explicitly grown because there's people who are meeting us in terms of a challenge. Yeah. And so there's a whole concept of like, are we breeding? But what's crazy is the Avengers. So Marvel Comics characters say, say, say like your immediate borough is like a one. Right. And then your, your immediate neighborhood is like a two. And then three for like your area of the city.

Four for your, the city itself. Five for the city and surrounds. You know what I mean? And Spider-Man say, is that like a five for the city itself and surrounds? I would say Spider-Man's at a four. Well, sure, sure, he starts at a four. The Avengers, most of the Avengers in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, the superheroes we're introduced

to, start at like a nine. Yeah. So, actually, the idea of a superhero being something that defends us, the everyman, doesn't exist. It's not a thing. You're like, oh, this guy who's robbed me at gunpoint, who's maybe trying to carjack me, I hope the Hulk turns up? no i hope the hulk stays away take my car just don't tell the hulk aren't you glad the hulk's not here and the guy who's robbing your house like yes i'm

so glad just pace this car would be gone yeah so like there's actually a superhero has a completely different meaning in the world of the MCU. I mean, this isn't the question anymore. But it's crazy to think about. It's weird to the point where I don't understand why anyone would like superheroes. Yeah. I guess you're looking at it in the same way. Yeah.

You would see superheroes, if you're living in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, the superheroes are pretty much just like the same way you'd see like special forces in the army. Yeah. You're like, okay, cool. Yeah, I guess they're probably maybe doing the right thing. I don't trust that. I don't know. pretty much just like the same way you'd see like special forces in the army yeah yeah like okay cool yeah i guess they're probably maybe doing the right thing i don't trust that i don't know that's the thing like when they stop when slokovia is risen out of the earth and that in somebody tells you the news they're like oh the avengers made sure that it landed safely i'm like this is too crazy a situation for my terrible meaty brain to even comprehend. I don't know.

And then there'd be a lot of, again, depending on what story goes out there, because you'd get press release from the military, from America, from Tony Stark himself. You'd just get a lot of, they would spin the story how they do it, but then we would have a lot of eyes on the street of Sokovian citizens filming stuff. And again, you have that kind of thing where it's like Baron Zemo gets really shitty because it's like, we traveled outside of the city. I thought we would be safe, but we weren't. My wife and child died, and my dad, all because of you interfereded all because of you did this and the others sure like they don't know that

Ultron was going to drop it and then cause an extinction level event but at the same time like at what point do you have like believe everyone and also it's the I think we discussed it when we talked about what does the general public know about the DCEU

and we had the famous snake man argument but moving beyond that it's a it's a superman zod situation where if i'm watching superman and zod fight i don't know what i'm watching no you know what i mean it's just a lot of flashing guys yeah and then and destruction so you're like maybe they're both bad and i don't think they're both bad this is what it would lead to either conspiracy theories or rights groups popping up to be just like, what gives them the right to use where we live as their battlegrounds? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is where the Sokovia Accords come up,

where I'm like, sign them, you shits. Oh, yeah, sign those goddamn accords. Well, we've seen from the Marvel Cinematic Universe that press releases are constantly lying. Yeah. As in, you see the heroes be like, oh, we're not actually going to win out.

Like the end of Spider-Man, like Tony Stark's like, and now it's just Spider-Man. He's like, no. And he's like, all right, we're announcing we're engaged or whatever.

And everyone's like, oh yeah, well done. So if you think about them, so we, you know, we've gone through them in the, in terms of like the movies and what we know about the movies,

but what about the people? So what do you, just as a guy know about what Tony Stark is and does? I know he's clever because he does, like, tech shows and stuff. Yeah, clever tech shit. And I know he fights guys. He got his house bombed by that Mandarin. Yeah.

Did you hear? It was, like, apparently that guy that was, like, the terrorist, it was all up front. He was was like the terror it was all front he was like a british guy classic it's the same as if we found out that like what does elon musk do at the moment yeah imagine you found out he had an iron man suit yeah yeah yeah you'd be like okay but then he goes and kills people but then you're like well that's a bit much but also it's such a an echelon above me that I'm not thinking about. Now a quick word from our sponsor. Hey, handsome and handsomeettes. Today's episode is proudly sponsored by our good friends over at the Hard Dice Podcast.

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He's just like a powerful soldier. What? He's a powerful soldier. I heard, like, he was, isn't he the same guy in World War II? I think he was frozen, like cryogenic freezing or something. I don't know.

But even then, like, you just get to a point where you're like, well, I guess he's just a big soldier for the government. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the mantle, well, then the mantle, when he dies, well, retires,

because they never say, they don't do the whole aging thing. They don't announce it. Again, tricking the public. They're like, we're passing the mantle, when he dies, well, retires, because they never say, they don't do the whole aging thing. They don't announce it. Again, tricking the public. They're like, we're passing the mantle on. Steve Rogers has retired. So you're like, okay, this is the new Captain America. And then that would cover up the fact he did bad.

They'd be like, actually, this is the new Captain America. Like, oh, shit, we're going through him quick now. Yeah. We're burning through Captain America. But with that, I'd be like, oh, so I guess that the Captain America that was on the Avengers probably wasn't the same one from the 1940s? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You would assume it was just like a role. I would assume Steve Rogers was also a code name, and I would call Falcon Steve Rogers. Embarrass yourself. Steve Rogers. Sam Wilson. What? What? What is your name now, Steve?

Don't you become a Steve? My name's Sam Wilson. What? And then two other people who are better handle of the situation move in front of you. Huh? Captain America. Yeah, but you're on the name Steve Rogers, right? You're the new Steven, aren't you?

No. Steven Rogers. Well, speaking of Steven, Doctor Strange, we had no idea about. No, no clue. Ant-Man. But there is a magic temple in the middle of. Ant-Man we would know about because he got really big that one time. Those two times.

The fight at the airport we'd know about as well. Looking out the window. Oh my God. Would we know about the fight in the airport? Probably not. We might know about the one in Ant-Man and the Wasp though. Like an abandoned airport in Germany? In Ant-Man and the Wasp, he gets real big near Tim Heidecker.

Yeah. Forget that. After being fired by Greg Turkington in the first movie. But we'd know maybe because there's like Lawrence Fishburne. Like he got big in the 70s. Yeah. What happened there? He got big in the 70s.

Didn't he? He did. No, he did. He got big in the 70s. Yeah. Well, I wouldn't know what was going on with Ant-Man and the Wasp. Again, you have those conspiracy theories of being like, no he did, he got big in the 70s I wouldn't know what was going on with Ant-Man So again, you have those conspiracy theories Of being like, oh yeah, you hear about that tiny fella That fought in Nam, maybe?

So I guess all of this stuff is coming together But it's not making you It just means that the world you're living in You're way more uneasy But you'd just be confused I'd be like, every conspiracy, why not? Sure, I guess But then, the moment Blade just be confused. I'd be like, every conspiracy, why not? Yeah, sure. Sure, I guess. Yeah.

But then- At the moment Blade pops up, I'm going to be like, fuck this. Are you telling me there's vampires? What the fuck? Imagine a multiverse. I think you'd be like, imagine a mole man. A mole man pops out of the ground, I'm like, that's- No, that's it.

That's just a short guy. I don't- Is he under the ground? Oh, he's got moloids. That seems wrong. If a little guy popped out of the ground, I would just think he was a small guy who had been underground. I was underground.

Is he popping up under those big monster creatures? Oh, yeah, I suppose he wouldn't just pop up. He's not going to pop up like a fucking diglet. Oh, hey. Because he's got his little moloids and then he's got those big are they also called molloids? I don't know. I couldn't say. I don't know enough about them. Why are you wearing those weird

steel glasses? They're like the glasses for snow blindness. That's weird. He's underground. Borrowing through ground. That's not what those glasses are for. I thought it was. Well, snow glasses are because you can get snow blind. Which is when the sun hits the snow and it makes it so bright that it burns your retinas. I thought it was. Well, snow glasses are because you can get snow blind. Yeah.

Which is when the sun hits the snow and it makes it so bright that it burns your retinas. So it's actually for a lot of light. So Mole Man, he shouldn't have the glasses. I thought he was wearing those big square ones because he's like, ah, the sunlight hurts my eyes because I'm underground all the time. Could be that. Maybe. I guess that makes sense. Anyway.

He could get snow blindness from regular- He could get ground blindness. Yeah. What about Thor is a crazy one to imagine. What? I guess the resurgence in Norse religion. Norse mythology, yeah, yeah, yeah. It would also just be, I think it would just fall into the category of like,

we know aliens are real, this is just another alien, it's fucked up, they're like guys. There are so many stories about these guns. So I'll be like, they're the gods. It's just we'd be living through a situation where unfortunately we'd just find out that one religion was right. We'd be like, the North's the right religion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That Jane Foster, she was dating a god. That's crazy. That's like, oh my God, you were Jesus' girlfriend is pretty much the equivalent of that. Yeah, yeah equivalent of that but the thing is with north religion though is that okay yeah these guys are real guys but they're not gods they're aliens they call themselves gods but they're aliens yeah but who says that yeah nobody's like we know so you would know but even if people said they were aliens you can't you're not going to as god so you could be like well the it's you could do the opposite well science says they're aliens but clearly they're gods

but even then he flies yeah no one else can lift his hammer he is a god yeah but then all of that stuff you're like oh yeah but like what so like that doesn't change anything so i think that what would happen is it would take that you would prove that that's right but it also take the shine off like as in like it'd be like if you found out that Jesus actually resurrected and then was like, oh yeah, no, I was just kicking it in space. And then you're like, oh, okay, there's no, it's not that there's no heaven.

Thor considers himself a god. So if you spoke to Thor, he's like, yeah, I'm a god from Asgard. I'd be like, yeah, well, how did you create? And they'd be like, oh, we have a story about this. We created a big god like this. Yeah, yeah, you'd be like, well, okay. I guess they're old enough.

That checks out. You would have people on either side, I think is what would end up happening. Nothing happens And I'd be like, well, I guess they're old enough. Maybe they're not. That checks out. You would have people on either side, I think, is what would end up happening. Nothing happens. You'd have like, there's, is it not Helheim? Where's the big flame boy from? That. Like a Satan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you've got like, you know, you've got that. But you don't need to wait on that. I would be scared that Earth was going to get Ragnarok if I heard about that. We do get new Asgard. Yeah, that's true. They built a town on us. We was going to get Ragnarok if I heard about that. We do get new Asgard. Yeah, that's true. They built a town on us.

We're going to get Ragnarok. I don't fear crime. I might move to new Asgard. Maybe I am. I don't think you're allowed to move to new Asgard. You're not an Asgardian. Yeah, so they can't always intermingle. Thor dated one of us.

Why can't I date one of them? Thor's different. I'm just like a match with lady sif on tinder i'm like oh yeah cool yeah i'll come hang out and what's most like a party boy match with mole man why do you wear those unmatched oh no um so, so most of these superheroes, you don't think of as superheroes You think of as like a new branch of not necessarily the military, but like if if you've got Air Force, Navy You know Army. Avengers. You've also got Avengers. But you don't though because you have people that don't adhere to anything No, I don't necessarily mean that the government runs them. I just mean in that they're like a new facet of global protection. Yeah, yeah.

And then most of the time you probably wouldn't think about them. I think that what would happen is like even if you know, even if someone is like they don't listen to the government, in your head you'd be like, yeah, okay, whatever. But like sometimes the army don't listen to the government. And like all of them are like All of the military can go rogue. The Avengers, I would be like, yeah, whatever. It's a different division.

I just don't think in my day-to-day life- Don't Ragnarok me. I would be thinking about them. They wouldn't concern me. If somebody pulls a gun on me, I'm like, well, I hope I don't get shot. This is very scary. I might go the other way of realizing because of all the existential threats, I would take out a lot of insurance.

Oh, yeah. So maybe I'd be just- Praying that you get robbed every day to pay your excess. Not excess. Excess would go up. Yeah, excess would go up. I don't want that. But no, I think I'd be more cautious in that, but I probably wouldn't care too much about being shot.

If I knew someone or if I myself had been blinked away, I'd be like, whatever. Well, yeah, that's another thing. Like, are you going to fear crime if you've got blipped?

I'm going to also, yeah, I see other things. I would still fear crime because the blip is like, you don't know what happened. That would be like an intense thing that happened in my life. But that's like, if I fell into a coma and then I woke up and you're like,

Hey Jackson, welcome back. It's 2021. Do you fear crime? I'm like, what? For some reason I thought you were going to say, do you fear Christ? A little. Is he back?

A little. He has a hammer now. Why did you ask? You've got to understand that I have, you've just told me it's five years later, and then you've followed that up with, do you fear Christ? I know I'm still currently in a hospital bed. Are you sure it's the five years?

Is Christ responsible? I'm so scared you're about to step aside and Christ is behind you. You've got to understand how intense this is for me right now. I need you to tell me. Christ is back, dude. I need you to tell me christ is back dude i need you to tell me this is gonna change a lot in my mind you're just like hovering over my face with wild eyes you seem like you seem like you're really unwell okay i just came out of a coma let's not forget oh yeah because like when you like the blip just to you, it's a bad thing that happened.

But it is, the thing is, the Avengers are unrelated to crime. Yes. They're not. They've got nothing to do with crime. And so does the blip. The blip has nothing to do with crime. It's just a thing that happened to you that either it was like a traumatic period where you lost people for five years, or it was just like a confusing thing.

So still I'm scared of getting mugged. You're right, though, when it comes down to the idea of like what you said at the top where it's like, hey, when there was some gangland killings in Melbourne, it's that same kind of thing. If we had a Spider-Man looking after the areas we live in, would I feel safer? Well, not really because, one, it's one person, and two, that seems like a child, and they're just doing what they think is good,

but sometimes are they making the situation better or worse? I don't know. What's the proper training there? If you're about to get mugged by someone, right, and then somebody saves you from getting mugged by mugging the mugger, I am like, I might get mugged twice now. Okay, he beat that person up. Am I going to get beat up as well?

Yeah, I would be more scared of Spider-Man than I would be. Someone's holding a gun at you. Spider-Man kicks him away. You're like, oh, thank God. And then Spider-Man just pulls up his fist and turns to you. And you're like, oh, what? Come on. Give me your wallet.

Fuck it all. Yeah, all right. Damn it. Spider-Man swips away. Yeah. That's how he buys the pizza. Fuck it all. Yeah, all right. Damn it. Spider-Man swips away. That's how he buys the pizza. That's how he buys the pizzas he delivers. Spider-Man eats pizza. He does.

I just thought you were somehow conflating. Spider-Man's not a pizza delivery guy. He does it out of the goodness of his heart. He's a pizza thief. He steals a pizza, gives a pizza to the poor. Pizza robber. Here's a guy. He does it out of the goodness of his heart. He's a pizza thief. He steals a pizza, gives a pizza to the poor. Here's a question. If you were a criminal, a robber, a person who got by on nothing but crime, would you be more

frightened living in an Avengers world? Depends where I live. Yes, if it's somewhere that Spider-Man's around, because I think that the chances of me getting kicked in the head by... You got the gun, Spider-Man from offscreen, his foot... What kind of gun Spider-Man from off screen is? Foot? Whoa!

You go flying. What kind of crime? They're just going after very visible crime. But it's not even, like, Spider-Man is the anomaly. Yeah. There's no one else. That's what I mean. He's going after, like, Spider-Man is the anomaly, but he's going after, like, armed crime.

Yeah. He's going after, like, that kind of stuff. But most crime. If I'm doing a very public mugging. Sure. I might be scared. Yeah. If I'm doing a very public mugging, sure, I might be scared. If I'm robbing a bank, yes. If I'm standing there in the middle of Times Square

and I'm like, I might mug a guy. Sure. But what kind of crime am I dealing drugs? Is Spider-Man punching me for my sweet weed side hustle? Well, Spider-Man hates drug dealers, so maybe. If I'm shoplifting a candy bar, a Babe Ruth, let's say, is Spider-Man hates drug dealers, so maybe. If I'm shoplifting a candy bar, I'll bet you Bruce, let's say.

Is Spider-Man stopping me? Probably not. If I'm cheating on my taxes, if I'm cheating on my wife. If I'm fucking Jackson's wife. If he's fucking my wife and I'm fucking Dusha. Is Spider-Man stopping that? No. He probably doesn't even know what's happening.

It's an ethical crime, maybe. It doesn't seem like a crime. Neither me nor my wife know about's happening. It's an ethical crime, maybe. It doesn't seem like a crime. Neither me nor my wife know about the other. That's the truth. It's still not a crime. I know about everything. What a sweet deal. It's a sweet deal for JD, I guess.

Spider-Man coming in is like, should I stop this? You're like, no. I just keep telling you and your wife that I'm making a cock out of the other one. Yeah, I'm making a cock out of Jackson. Yeah, I'm making a cock out of the other one. Yeah, I'm making a cock out of Jackson. Yeah, I'm making a cock out of your wife, Jackson. Yeah, you are. Yeah, I am. Yeah, I am.

And Spider-Man can't stop me. That's a weird thing to say. Spider-Man there in the window. I can't. It's not a crime. I don't know what it is. But also, how much does, like, say, again, using the nominative Spider-Man, how much does Spider-Man know what is and isn't a crime

Yeah Or like how much of the city New York's big Like He's quick Yeah but like Not quick enough He can get pretty quick

Is he gonna Okay okay So it's a 60 It's not gonna It's a 60 zone Alright It's a 60 zone That goes into a 50 right

And I'm there I'm going like 62 Yeah And I go from 62 And then I hit that threshold into the 50 zone and I'm still going back to 62. Is Spider-Man there? Flip, flip by like the back wheels,

I flip into a school or something. What the fuck, Spidey? Job all done. Other crime stopped. Yeah, I run a red. But also the thing with Spider-Man is that he can only deal with crime that he can see and he can only deal with one crime at a time.

So presumably Spider-Man must have a threshold below which he doesn't stop. Yeah. So, i.e. speeding. Probably Spider-Man doesn't worry himself with speeding. It's probably mugging, outright murder, and that's it. Really. Drink driving. Another crime.

How does Spider-Man know? How does he know? He can't breathalyze. Erratic driving, you keep an eye on that. That's true. But then what's he going to do? So you're over the.05. You're there erratically driving.

Having a cruisy drive down Main Street. Having a sweet cruise. You've hit the curb. You're like, oopsie daisy. There you go. Don't worry. Pants off. Pants off.

Sure. Pants off. Don't sprite on your wiener. There you go. I'm fucking that large drink. You're eating a six pack of nugs. You've poured barbecue sauce directly in your mouth because it's quicker. What's Spider-Man going to do?

Nothing. Well, I mean, Spider-Man pulls people out of cars all the time. That's true. Wow. That's going to be a shock, mate. That's the situation. So what does he do? You have a large sprite wrapped around your penis.

I was fucking Spider-Man. So without does he do? There's a large spider wrapped around your penis. So Spider-Man, so without any cops around, so Spider-Man thwips a guy out of a car, stops the car? Yeah, he would have to. He usually, so the way that it usually happens is he thwips like a pole or something and then thwips the guy so then the car keeps going

and the guy gets ripped out of the car and then he flips off the roof of the car and then he flips off the roof of the car and then just stops yeah yeah okay so any damage done like probably okay well yeah two handprints in the front i guess uh-huh and so now what happens like legally he goes away oh legally well nothing you you're like spider-man did it the cops are like we don't know who that is spider-man did it there's no proof that you were driving that car at the time. Oh yeah, you won't go to jail. No, you're just in trouble. For what? No, it isn't like you're in trouble

not from the police, you're just in trouble from... Oh yeah, because my dick's in a Sprite and I'm out in the cold. My mouth's full of barbecue sauce and there's no nuggets in my mouth. Your pants are in the car, you're stuck to a light pole. The police have to get you down. Your car's got two Spider-Man handprints on the front.

You're in trouble. Okay, yeah, definitely in trouble, but in terms of legally, I'm definitely not. So now Spider-Man actually stops a crime. To what end, though? He just stops it like that, but there's no other repercussions because there's no other footage or any kind of- I suppose Spider-Man's not really most of the time trying to stop crime.

He's mostly trying to save people from harm. That's true. That's the difference. So Spider-Man, when he stops a mugging, doesn't intend to arrest the mugger. He just doesn't want the person that's getting mugged to get mugged. Well, the thing is, in that situation, it's a bit different because you've got the witness. Oh, yeah, 100%. You've got witnesses of like drink driving and whatever.

If there's no witnesses, yeah, it's different. Spider-Man's like, well, I don't care. Don't give this guy the chair. Yeah, yeah. He's hanging out by this light post upside down wiener in a large spry. Then that's like punishment enough. No one got hurt. That's a lesson we learned.

That's great. That's what Spider-Man was doing, like in terms of just like keeping the streets safe. Public humiliation. But also the thing with Spider-Man is that, so say in Queens, I'm taking a public shit, middle of the road, causing a lot of problems. Whips it back into your bum.

Oh! Like flips your turd, grabs it, whips it around into your face. Jesus! But then, say, Statue of Liberty, someone's getting mugged. Yeah. Spider-Man has to pick. Well, he's going to pick the mugging. Well, okay, say I'm mugging someone in Queens, and someone's getting mugged at the-man can pick he has to pick well he's gonna pick the mugging well okay say i'm mugging someone in queens and someone's getting mugged at the statue of liberty where's spider-man he's but that's what i mean but he's right in the middle

he's got a pick or so what i'm saying is that spider-man is patrolling new york for crime but spider-man has a very limited range really which means that if i was a criminal i would be like my odds are probably pretty good. Is that like Spider-Man has like a, like a, you know, omnipotent view or an omniscient view of New York. A hundred percent. So one, I would be the same amount of scared of crime. I would be hoping Spider-Man would be around, but just like I might be hoping that like a cop or someone

that could help me might be around. Because there's a lot more police than there is Spider-Man. Yeah. In fact, I probably wouldn't be thinking, if Spider-Man happened, I would be like, oh, neat. But it wouldn't be like what I'd expect. Yeah. Yeah. So ultimately, I would fear crime basically the same amount.

Maybe more. Yeah, maybe more. I think, yeah, I'd probably fear crime, and I'd probably fear collateral damage. Yeah, yeah. Okay. After, look, I originally came into this, and I was like, I wouldn't fear shit.

But now I'm thinking that I would fear crime, but not the regular crime that people would fear. Like'm not worried if i'm working in a shop someone's gonna pull a gun i'm worried that a drill is gonna come out of the ground and suck me into it yeah yeah yeah and or alternatively smaller criminals like well no one's paying attention to me because there's a guy with a giant drill that's come out of the middle anytime there was like a like an avengers level threat i'd be like wow regular crime is gonna rise. Oh yeah, as soon as like the aliens start appearing and like tearing up New York, I'm like, I'm gonna get me a new TV or something. Oh yeah. Oh, I'd loot, don't you worry.

We're obviously all pro-looting. I mean, that's taking out a huge TV. Thanos snaps everyone. One and a half of us go with the TV. We're gonna get another one. One and a half of us go with the TV. We're going to get another one. One and a half of us. Does that mean like what? Doucher and half my body? I wish they took your top off.

You'd be less lippy. In my mind they took me right down the side. Their mouths are gape all the time. But from the side. Gross. So yeah, in the side. Their mouths are gape all the time, but from the side. Gross. Yeah. So, yeah, in the end, I just think I'd fear crime more. I'd fear crime basically the same, and I just wouldn't do much.

If anything, I'd be probably more mad, because I'm like, I don't give a shit about the space stuff. Sure, that might affect me, but it might not. And like this, though, this guy with a gun in my face, I'm scared now. That's the immediate problem. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right.

So that makes sense. I guess you're more fearful of existence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right, so that makes sense. I guess you're more fearful of existence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Existentially. Yeah, existentially I'm more afraid. Life is bad in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. For the regular fella, you would be sucking up so much hero juice. What?

That's it for such a serum, I mean. You would be doing your best to make yourself as strong as you could. But then also so are the criminals. Everything, much like what Baron Zemo was saying, everyone just becomes bigger, ratter, badder dudes. Yeah, so Baron Zemo was right, basically, as I guess the takeaway. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel. Crime. It's cool in MCU, I guess. Well, not cool. It pays. It pays. Crime pays in the MCU.

Crime pays now. Yeah, that's true. I don't know if it's short term or long term. It pays. Crime pays in the MCU. Crime pays now. Yeah, that's true. I don't know if it's short term or long term. It depends what kind of crime I get. Depends how you feel about jail. If you love jail, crime pays 100% of the time. Oh, yeah. But sometimes it might just only pay 50% of the time.

That's true. Stop fucking Jackson's wife. No. Stop fucking Jackson's wife. No. Hey, dickhead, are you thirsty for more Sandspants? Let us shoot our long, hot ropes of content right into your gaping ear holes. Head to Sandspantsradio.com to check out all 26 of our public podcasts and become a member of Sandspants Plus to check out 20 more bonus shows

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