Plumbing the Death Star - Does Emperor Palpatine's Plan or Any of his Plans Make a Lick of Sense? with Alexei Toliopoulos

Episode Date: October 3, 2021

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San Spence Radio, Australia's most family-friendly podcast network. Hi everyone. Before we start, just a very quick message from me to you. Due to some personal tragedies in my life, I'm taking a leave of absence for a while. In the last four months, my wife and I have experienced two miscarriages. One was very traumatic and the other a little less so. If you want to hear more of that tragic story, I talk about it on our sister show, Why Am I Sad? Rather gratefully, we have some very good friends who will be filling in for me while I take this time to recuperate and heal. I hope to you listening never have to experience anything like this. It is heartbreaking. To those that already have, you know exactly what it's like.

And to those that will unfortunately experience this in the future, you're not alone. You will get through it. Just take it day by day and be there for each other. Now that I've successfully brought down the tone, I hope you enjoy our comedy show. Hey everyone, and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm Alexi Toleopoulos.

Today we're asking important questions, like, does Emperor Palpatine's plan, or any of his plans, make a lick of sense. So this question came around because initially I was thinking about Snoke in the sequel trilogy. And I was like, Emperor Palpatine named that guy. And that's pretty funny. Emperor Palpatine made a big gangly clone. And he's like, what to call this motherfucker? What about Snoke? I don't know why he picked that name.

And then it made me spiral out thinking about all of his plans. And not one of them makes a damn lick of sense. He's the galaxy's biggest idiot. Okay, but all big claim second fiery how do you think how do you think names work everyone's name is a name that's someone yeah of course but why did he call him snoke is that like a name in star wars are there other people named snoke or was he like he looks like a snoke well it's weird if he's like yes yes, I shall call him Matthew. And it's like the first, like, one of the weird normal names they have in Star Wars. When your name is fucking Sheev, you're not naming some cunt Matthew.

Snoke makes sense. Sheev Palpatine. Do you think, because, you know, he made Snoke to be kind of a puppet for him. Was he like, it's an intimidating name? Did he think it's an intimidating name? Because it's not. I think it's intimidating. It's one letter away from smoke,

which is one of the most deadly substances to the human lung. And, oh, hang on. We've blown this wide open already. Snoke, one letter away from smoke. Snoke was a smoke show because of the real threat, Emperor Palpatine, as was always clearly planned in the sequel series. Yeah, absolutely. That's what they meant. That's what they intended.

I like that he was like, not only will he be named Snoke, which is scary, I'll make him really big because that's scary as well. And I'm going to give him a big old disgusting head. Yeah. I'm going to make this guy look so goddamn yucky that's gonna be great everyone's gonna be so scared of him yeah i kept that off by dressing him like the villain of my favorite film in a trilogy gold member i love that i love that he's full-on gold member i've made the scariest guy be so awesome if Snoke you just see him eating his own skin gold picking that big old scar that crevice in his head that's great does that mean

Emperor Palpatine cloned the crevice in or was that a thing that happened when they're just like patching that tank too tight they get a dent in their head like why is he a crevice I think the crevice was a attack on snoke to make him more sympathetic to people because that's probably how he gets in those good graces with mr benjamin solo he's talking to benny boy and he's slowly slowly bringing him over to the dark side and i think that scar in his head made him more sympathetic yeah so okay so i guess so epipalpatine's plan in the sequel trilogy he's he's he's cactus his body's cactus so he goes into a bad clone attached to machines huh but he wants to come back and the only way

he can come back is if he's struck down by someone he can send his soul into their body he picks ben solo he then makes a guy to turn ben solo to the dark side the guy he picks is snoke you know the most trustworthy looking man in existence if i was young ben solo and this gangly fucking gecko in human skin came over to me and was like hey you want to hang out i would be like yeah this guy looks like he's got a good head on his shoulders, sure. It's real like Doc Brown, Marty McFly, strange old man hanging out with a teenage boy kind of style, you know? Ben, we gotta turn on the dark side, Ben. And then, that was Ben Solo playing the guitar

like Marty McFly. Yeah, it was Ben Solo. Yeah, exactly. And then another interesting thing, Palpatine has backup Snokes, which I like, just in case. Just in case he keeps them in the tank. Or duds, I don't know. I thought they were failed Snokes. For me, they were like Pickling's failed Snokes.

Like, these were the ones that we didn't... It's really hard to get rid of these things. So we just got them stewing here. I don't know where to dump them here I don't know what to dump them surely if there's replacement Snokes maybe this was not well thought out but surely if you've got

replacement Snokes when your Snoke dies you replace him that's what a replacement is for was not Snoke dying part of the plan cause Ben Solo strikes down his master fully turns to the dark side then Palpatine lets the galaxy know

he's ready can I just say perhaps the genius of Palpatine is that his plans are in depth odd strange which is one of the reasons why people don't detect that there's a plan going on but they are extremely malleable is like his greatest strength.

Like if you look at his plans in the prequel trilogy, he makes it so he can't lose. He's leading both sides. That's true. I've got the Separatists and I'm as Darth Sidious playing my evil hand over them all. And on the other hand, my also evil hand, I am playing as the Chancellor. I am doing everything I can to win this war that I've created.

Yeah. Jackson, before we get too tied up in this, because the moment that Ben... Yeah. Because in The Last Jedi, when Ben Solois strikes down pal snook snook that isn't him turning to the dark side it's him deflecting the other way which is why like it's a tragic scene and then why the last jedi works so much is because ray's like there's good in him there's good in him there's good in him he does this then they have that moment and then there's

that look on the ship a great film an incredible movie yeah beautiful film i've seen it many a time it's i've seen two times yes me also yeah um but yeah let's let's wind it back all right let's put a pin in that let's put a pin in that that's fair okay a young sheath a senator of n Naboo with a beautiful future ahead of him feels the call to the dark side. He joins up Darth Plagueis, one of the wisest Darths that have ever lived. That Darth is from the banking clan planet where they've got those long noodle boy heads and long ass arms and body.

And of course, he has the power of reincarnation and the power to create life itself. So this Sheev, young Sheev, creates a war so that he can declare himself Galactic Emperor. That's the end goal here. Before that, do they create Anakin's life? Does Sheev and Plagueis go, the end goal here before that do they create anakin's life does she even play just go we're gonna knock up shmi as far as step one we're gonna knock up shmi with a little budding baby we're gonna find some desert woman okay we're gonna fill her with bad force uh-huh step two

we just wait a bit step two is like a break presumably it's not plagues because surely palpatine's killed plagues by the time anakin's born yes he's killed plagues at this point i would say yeah so his plan to make a really strong jedi step one kill plagues still plagues the wise he's dead he's the one who can run away from death. Not so wise now. Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. Fucking enjoy Star Wars hell, dickhead. Yeah. More like Darth Plagueis the Demised. Because he's dead. Step two, knock up a desert woman.

Yeah. Use everything I learned from Plagueis to conjure the life of a sweet little boy inside her belly. Step three, wait. Is Anakin nine? I would say there's a step in there where it's like corrupt Jedi Sifo-Dyas to then go create the clone army, have a couple of meetings with the Kaminoans

and getting Jango Fett involved and then giving Jango Fett an unaltered clone son for him to raise. Or maybe that's a little bit later, but this is the same part of the plan. It's a lot of stuff. Although surely wouldn't that happen? That must happen in between episode one and two.

Anakin would be born before the- Clone war. Oh, okay. Sorry, let me get back a little bit we'll then go do student politics at naboo university build up connections in the political worlds become a political hack for sometimes enough to get a stable position as eventually i would assume local politics at nab, and then eventually go on to federal politics, and then intergalactic politics. So that actually, already, you know, from living in a country and going to university where you see the budding grassroots of politics form, then you see those people eventually go on to state and federal.

It is kind of crazy, and would a presumably a long time to go all the way to intergalactic from international to intergalactic presumably okay so that okay so we're going to revisit the plan step one decide that you're going to need to get into intergalactic politics do you think that's happening currently yeah you gotta do it beforehand you can't do it afterwards because and also you've got to be into you got to be an intergalactic politician by the time anakin comes of age for you to get him you've given yourself quite a short window there like if if if things went wrong of elections like you'd be shitting yourself because you need to be at a certain point in how old is anakin by the time they go and collect him is he like like nine? So he's given himself like nine years

to reach intergalactic politics from local Naboo council. But he's probably like 60 years old by the time Anakin is nine. So he's probably done a few things, done a few things here or there. Alexei, we know that at some

point around this time though, based on ages, that Palpatine's still capable of fucking because he himself has a son, which is revealed much later in the series. But for the ages to work and the fact that his death is not that far away, and presumably it's pre him getting electrocuted and having a burnt dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't fuck with a burnt dick, dude. Come on. I think it's electrocuted and having a burnt dick yeah yeah yeah you can't fuck with a burnt dick dude come on i forget it's electrocuted as fuck surely yeah no no no no no i'm trying to um read up on how this happens so i oh this is what i'm currently doing i am on wikipedia i do have a great knowledge of star wars but there's a few things I don't know. On the Legends page for Sheev Palpatine,

he has some relationships, including one with Sly Moore, who is a bald-headed lady who is... You do see her in the movie. She goes to the opera with him, where we learn about Darth Plagueis in the Return of Revenge of the Sith. We learn about her there. She has a romance of Palpatine and she is often described as

the Queen of the Empire. Okay. But now back into canon, I'm reading about the Emperor's son who we do see in the movie in The Rise of Skywalker. This is what they have to say the sith cultists labored to replace sidious's cloned body with a more suitable host leading to the

creation of various failed strand cast which i assume are snokes these artificial contracts were engineered from the emperor's cloned tissue samples but none of them were considered a sufficient host for the progenitor's dark side essence one such strand cast was the emperor's son a non-identical clone who was healthy but not force sensitive like his father so that's a so wait so wait so wait the plan was so wait the plan on this changes things what maybe i'm an idiot. So his son is a clone. It's a Jango Fett and Boba Fett again. As prophesied by the Tamira Morrison character, Jango Fett. So Rey isn't actually Palpatine's granddaughter. Rey is-

The daughter of his clone. Clone, yeah. Which we don't have a word for. Sidious, who relished his power into the- Let me continue with this. Sidious, who relished his power in the force, was disappointed in the son that he sired through science. Nevertheless, he permitted his son to live

for the sake of continuing the Palpatine bloodline, hoping to achieve more favourable results through... Ew! Hoping to achieve more favourable results through natural methods. Oh, okay. Ew! Hoping to achieve more favorable results through natural methods Okay But that's crazy because But there are no other children So that means Snoke, I mean not Snoke

Palpatine was just shooting blanks into people For ages being like I can't do it through science Time to get my fuck on I guess Time to get my fuck on Good lord Do you know what this is insane Because to me it was like watching that

movie and finding out that there's a palpatine lineage i was like yuck he's getting laid he's getting his fucking suck on it's like yeah any any any rationale behind that it's truly disgusting okay whatever they're doing they're disgusting reading, okay, he's a clone. At least I don't have to imagine Palpatine. At least I'm not forced to imagine Palpatine hooking up and doing the deeds around town. And then they close off the stint as we're going, like, the clone was a failure, so we did have to do some of more natural methods.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good heavens. Don't worry, he did hop, yeah. Palpatine's like my son sucks time for me to go fuck i guess yeah exactly i got that powerful force sensitive semen my midichlorians i'm gonna bust some midichlorians into someone but what's fucked about this is that snoke was not so snoke's are failed uh palpatine clones yes i know that look snoke's are failed Palpatine clones. Yes. I know that, look. Snoke's consuming me.

Yeah, I can tell because, and the audience needs to know this, you're waving around soundproofing material that presumably ripped from your wall? Yes. I thought it was a Furby. No, it's... It's soundproofing that I've torn from my wall in a blind rage. And waving at me and Alexei. I'm too full of passion! It's outproofing that I've torn from my wall in a blind rage. And waving at me in a like- I'm too full of passion!

Because if the Snokes are failed Palpatines, that means he didn't make it to seduce Kylo. He just was like, well, I got all these fucking guys doing nothing. These are meant to continue my bloodline. And tragically, they're hideous but they have the power of the force the only hot one i've got has no powers whatsoever i reckon this fucking gross one a boy would love oh lord that makes this looks like the kind of face only a young boy would love to talk to and then also it's a fake out anyway because ben solo is not the part of the fucking prophecy it's ray yeah so i don't know why he did any of that because ray's the one that

whose body because they're a force triad dude and that's why he can suck their guts because they're a force triad which i don't know what the hell i thought they were only a dyad they're two of them is she part of the triads i thought they were a triad or three of them or maybe they're a forced triad which i don't know what the hell i thought they were only a dyad they're two of them is she part of the triads i thought they were a triad or three of them or maybe they're a forced dyad oh i listen i don't know i don't know is the answer he's like this is a thing with sheath okay palpatine he goes with the flow he always is there to adapt his plan he sees that his clone does not have the powers heck let's adapt and let's

fucking get me some he can adapt his plan at every point along the way yes of course he begins his plan trying to start intergalactic war so either way he can win and control the galaxy. He had to train a young Zabrak

who unfortunately was killed in the battle with Obi-Wan Kenobi. Then he must get a retired Jedi on his side, Count Dooku. You can't fucking retire from being a Jedi, Count Dooku, you fuck. He did do it. Count Dooku left the Jedi Order and then was corrupted later on in civilian life. Yeah, that's crazy. And became Darth Tyranus.

Alexei, I don't know. In refutation of your Palpatine Goes With the Flow, and maybe this is refutation, but it is funny. He tries the Death Star twice. That's great. Fucks up the first time. When he's on to a winner. He's like, no, the Death Star idea is good, guys.

It's actually great. The first one was perfect. I don't know, dude. I think they'll, the Death Star idea is good, guys. It's actually great. They fucking, they got, the first one was perfect. I don't know, dude. I think they'll see another Death Star coming. But no, he tries again. But Jackson, you gotta remember that going with the plan, that actually, it is Palpatine's plan for the Death Star to be discovered because he wants Luke on the Death Star.

And also the Endor moon base is guarded because they know they're going to do it. Also, Palpatine is the one that leaked the plans to the rebels. That's a good point. But none of it makes sense. Because then the plan is

spend insane amounts of money making a Death Star to lure one guy. He has a lot of cash. one guy he has a lot of cash he's got like a lot of cash and resources what else is he gonna do public credits yeah yeah that's true he cares for his hunger and power and to be stronger and more powerful he doesn't have any other luxuries in his life like every other luxury is like oh i love to go to the opera where i see those big old balls those mixed fears with them with a little fish that swims through them to create music it's funny it's funny if you assume that palpatine just like has no

gauge for what a young person would like he's like kids love snoke they love the big balls anakin i got a treat for you yeah you know the big balls we're gonna go see them oh okay the big ball show where a fish swims through all of them to great sound oh and let me tell you a boring story in the middle of this like you're not even gonna get a chance to enjoy the fishbowls, you know? God, how awesome would it be if they go to the fishbowl show and he doesn't tell them a thing there. It's like their post-conversation. They go to have dinner afterwards. Get a coffee.

They go to freaking Dexter Jetster's little freaking diner and he goes, oh, what a great show. BT dubs. I've got a fun story from my past, I can tell you. I like the idea of him going to tell that story in the fishbowl show and somebody behind him just being like shh, and he'd be like, oh, I'll whisper it to you. Fucking fishbowl, God. I can still hear you

if you're fucking whispering, okay? How about we just fucking shut up? Just shut up for fucking two hours. Some of us are trying to enjoy the fish. No, I must tell my story. Tell it outside. Excuse me, Usherher this guy will not shut the fuck up i'm trying to tell a story here i'm the most powerful man in the galaxy for all you know and even though you don't know i'm the second most powerful man in the galaxy as well i don't know if that makes sense sir please. Please leave. I don't usually do this.

I'm not one to complain, but this is very frustrating. I paid thousands of credits to be here. We've got an incredible spot, and you just... It seems like you don't even respect the art form of balls and fish, okay? I'm a connoisseur. I love my ball. I love the giant balls that sing with the fish but unfortunately

I have powerful exposition to give to this young lad also I think from this guy's story that he killed a guy I think that's what he's saying

yeah I think he's admitting to murder I don't know if you can do anything about that Osho but yeah he's admitted to murder and then he fucked this guy's mum

or something yeah yeah this is fucked up full blown it's full actually you know what Yeah, he submitted to murder and then he fucked this guy's mum or something. Yeah. Yeah, this is fucked up. Full blown. Actually, you know what? Maybe this story is worth me listening to as well. Someone shut that fucking fish thing up.

I've got to hear this story. This is a fucking juicy story. So Palpatine's playing with Anakin also kind of crumbles because Anakin gets larved, right? And he's going to pivot again, you know? Yeah, he does go with the flow. He's freaking Jeremy Pivot over here, dude. He's the original entourage. That's fucked up. Yeah. That would be so fucking annoying, though. Like, you made a guy.

Like, you made a full-on guy. Also, to be honest, Palpatine has one trick, really, doesn't he? Make a guy. But anyway, you made a guy. That guy's gonna become your apprentice. Somebody? Make a guy. But anyway, you made a guy. That guy's going to become your apprentice. Somebody puts that guy in lava. Now you got a guy, you got to make robot bits for him. Not as good a guy.

Hope that guy's son is a better guy. That's your next plan. You know? For the original trilogy, that's your plan, right? Thank God that guy busted a couple of nuts before he lost them. Tell me. Tell me, Anakin, you busted a fat nut before they laughed at you. That's him in pain on the operating table. Before I give you arms and legs,

you gotta fucking promise me, Anakin. Oh my God. That's, yeah. Otherwise we're gonna have to use a cattle prod to extrude some of that. I busted a nut, I busted a nut! Good. Good. Yes, yes, yes. Perfect. How much time

Palpatine in his plan spends waiting for kids to grow up is very funny. It's like his main time waster is just goddamn waiting for kids to grow up. We kind of did this before, but then we got distracted with the romance stuff. Yeah. But yeah, if we go back to the start, just to like try and figure out the plan, I think Jackson absolutely nailed it palpatine's plan is mostly just waiting

for a guy or trying to create a guy yes yeah he's so he kills darth plagueis so that he becomes the number one guy but his number him being the number one guy he needs a number two guy yeah he's constantly just getting a number two guy that he doesn't really want. That number two guy can help him get the best number two guy. But then he knows from being a Sith, this is another thing with the fucking Sith and why Palpatine's plans are dog shit. And it does happen to him in episode six, even though maybe that was also part of his plan. Yeah. But fucking, he knows that when he gets a good number two guy, number two guy is going to kill him anyway yeah for sure but that's why he spends so much of his time becoming more powerful so he can kill that number two guy when it comes to it he wants he gets it fix it up

dude the heart wants what the heart wants you can't argue with that the heart wants what the heart wants which is the best number two guy. But the brain knows that best number two guy is going to come for me. Kill me. But I can't deny the heart. So my brain, I'm going to get super powerful so that when this number two guy breaks my heart and turns on me and tries to kill me, I will kill him. And then I'll just get another number two guy. I love how he's got

different types as well like he's got young anakin that's who he ends up with for a long last time yeah but then like you know darth maul he's like this punk kid this little zap rack with all the tattoos that's quite punk dooku is someone who is more in line with himself, like this older couple. Yeah, they probably have way more in common. Yeah, exactly. They probably wake up with the same aches and pains in the morning, you know?

They've got more to talk about. But it's hard to tell. So, like, Palpatine, throughout the prequel trilogy, he has Anakin as a kind of, like, on the back burner, Dooku, and Maul. Now, did he, like, in his head, before Maul was killed, was he like, it's me and Maul to the end? Like, Maul's my guy.

Yeah, he's my ride or die number two. He's my ride. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or was he like, none of them are my ride or die. I've just got my fingers in a lot of pies. Just in case. Just in case. I think, and this is risky because it is star wars and therefore there is an answer but i think darth maul was not the ideal number two guy but it was his number two

guy because darth maul has like an enforcer energy about yeah yeah of course he's awesome to go fuck up some shit you know get your shit so you know he's that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think at the same time, Count Dooku has, like, left the Jedi Council, and Palpatine's like, look, he's not going to be my number two guy, but he'll just be kind of like a guy I'm talking to. We've got similar business interests. But surely, because he put all of those midichlorians in Shmi, so clearly he's like, but really, Anakin's my guy like but really Anakin's my guy like Anakin's my guy these are just like other

guys that I'm having in the interim he needs like 15 to 20 years of midichlorians in Shmi to become a guy so that's where I think that Darth Maul is like he's my guy he's my number 2 guy he's not my grand plan number 2 guy and then he's gotta wait all of this time and for Anakin

and he puts in all that effort getting Anakin over to the dark side, and then Anakin falls in lava, and he's got to start from the fucking beginning again. He finds out Anakin busted a fat nut, and he's like, I've got to wait another fucking 20 years. I'm 60, okay? I think that is, to him, good. He's like, okay, well, he's got other things going on.

He's not just obsessive Jedis. I can manipulate him by going like, oh, you think your chick is awesome. How about I give you power that feels more awesome than that? You know how good busting a nut is? What if I could give you a power that felt twice as good? That is what is so enticing about the dark side. It feels like you're always like on a climax shooting force lightning feels like coming twice at the

same time that's what i'm hearing that's it yeah that's your freaking nuts getting busted and the bussy blowing up dude that's what that's what it feels like to shoot electricity from your hands man it just absolutely blew up my pussy, baby.

Yeah, my pussy's on fire, but in a good way. Not in the I should see a doctor way. Not in like a hemorrhoids way, I mean. Please stop explaining it. Yeah, yeah. It's not my pussy. It's not in pain in a way where I probably should have been more smarter with my last lover. Maybe use more protection or at least a sexual health check.

No, no, no. This is an awesome burn. It feels awesome. It feels incredible, dude. Not like an anal fissure kind of burn. That's not what we're talking here, okay? No, no, no. Please, Palpatine.

Please, for the love of God. I just really want you to understand it if you're going to be seduced to the dark side. It's not working. At the opera, he's whispering. opera he's whispering it feels fucking amazing feels like your pussy's blowing up the guy in the back's just like this story has taken a turn Usher come back

talk about murdering again that was good fucking dick and balls you you old cunt. You fucking asshole. So, original trilogy. Stop whispering about your asshole. And watch the fucking balls and the fish.

Are you fucking serious right now, cunt? We paid so much money and you're whispering to this fucking guy about your asshole. Pack it in. So, original trilogy. He's in power now. He is the Galactic Emperor.

What's that new plan? It's wait till Luke is old enough, so Jason to the dark side gets struck down, right? See, I think that at this point, the plan's kind of just like, well, yes, that is the plan. But also, this has been like 20 years of things just being chill. It's actually worked out for him.

Plan's over. He's now reaping the rewards. He's like the rewards. He's an old man sitting on a beautiful couch and stuff. He's got complete power and control over almost the entire galaxy. Apart from some of the outer rim and the rebellion that is coming up against him every now and then. And now a quick word from our sponsors.

Because I suppose, good point, he actually doesn't know where Luke is, right? Because Luke's hit on Tatooine. So he's like, don't worry about it. And then classic Palpatine, classic Sheev, he finds out Luke's around. He's like, holy shit, I can trade you in, Vader, for a younger better model

because you're fucking cactus dude let's do it let's i think he's even like fully he's at this point in the original trilogy he's like not even thinking about this shit he's like yeah i'm happy and i'm comfortable i've basically retired i've got a cushy job of just controlling everything and everyone else does all the work he's like a couple of stars yeah he's ceo basically he doesn't have to worry about the day-to-day yeah so much so that even princess leia organa is right under his nose the supposed daughter of bail organa he who i guess kind of works with him in like the freaking politics area I mean I actually don't know how it goes from dictate from galactic republic to the empire where he's a dictator

do all of those guys retain their jobs even though he's got a human like mon mothma and shit are doing like rebellion stuff underneath as a side hustle yeah they're still working for the empire do they still have to like yeah do like paperwork and like all of that kind of like the nitty-gritty of of running a space and it's kind of like how if you're an australian listener of this podcast where like you know they're kind of a bit of the opposition like where their state so that could be victoria held by mr daniel andrews a premier of the labor party slightly more progressive or and then to call him on plumbing the death star dictator dan yeah of course but the real dictator is sheev morrison the top tier and he doesn't

quite get along with dan and stuff like that is it kind of like that is it like that do you reckon i don't know there's got to be a bit of tension because like no one builds a death star with good intentions you know what i mean like any the first thing he does is destroy that guy's planet as soon as the death he doesn't destroy the guy he literally kills that guy yeah he gets blown the fuck up he doesn't actually know what's happening he's like you know what some people talk a lot of shit about sheath but he's a pretty good boss planet exploded just that he gets freaking murk dude in front of his daughter yeah so then are we saying that palpatine's plan only becomes oh actually you know what well maybe i'll get struck down by anakin and fully get him like later on like last movie in the trilogy return of the jedi he's like well well i'm here

i think what kind of happens i could be giving sheev palpatine a bit too much credit here yeah but i think that yeah get the best number two guy that plan is a success with vader yeah stoked with it he relaxes with his number two guy too happy about it and then after the events of a new hope when obi-wan gets struck down becomes more powerful than you could ever imagine or whatever yeah then you mix that with the death star getting blown the fuck up palpatine's like i'm getting old that's when the luke thing comes into it i think he's like all right oh okay you got on the scene new guy and then that guy strikes him down whoa how does that movie end because let's not forget

that i remember him dying from a heart attack so well you're imagining i think you're thinking of godfather part three when michael corleone dies of a heart attack years later yeah it's because um luke comes in and convinces vader like hey man come hang out we're family you know like you you're my papa so you should come be on my side instead of me flipping over to your side and then that is when Vader's like oh god I'm gonna fucking kill my boss dude I'm gonna kill this sucker. Ice him yeah which would have been a shock for sheev like if she was just doing this on a kind of whim it's just backfired on him pretty badly well yeah i think that's what it is he's playing catch up at this point because he became so comfortable in how things were going too cushy

his plan brain has freaking not come back on it's atrophied yeah like what you said when they destroy the death star he's like oh oh, God, I got nothing. Let's do it again. Let's just go for it again. Roll that dice, baby. Well, there is- He rolls into a meeting. He's like, right, for the second Death Star,

and everybody's just quietly like, oh, okay, we're going to do another Death Star. And he clues that hole up. Clues that up. Well, yeah, again, like, there is the, like, it's meant to be a death trap for the rebels like it's he's thought about it's a plan it's just a very good plan yeah his plan brain has clicked back on yeah and yeah i think return of the jedi is she rubbing his hands together i mean like

we got another plan going on here but this time it just fucks up in every imaginable direction yeah she by the way when you're rubbing your hands together, put some lotion on them. Your skin's disgusting. It makes me sick. Moisturize, you motherfucker. And then he gets, from memory, knocked down a chute, right? Yeah, Sheev gets knocked down a chute. Thrown down the reactor core

whilst he shoots lightning directly up into the sky, which is constantly raining down on Vader, which is also what kills Vader. But now it's time for plan number three. The greatest place to devise your third plan is at the bottom of a reactor chute dying from broken bones.

Does he die completely? I don't understand. In the background, he's had a shit clone this whole time. And I think during this time, he's meant to have been making Snokes as well. But he's got a bad clone this whole time and i think during this time he's meant to have been making snokes as well yeah but he's got a bad a dud clone right but one that looks exactly like him but is attached to machines so as he hits the bottom and his bones break uh-uh it's not a problem because he's got this brand new guy that he can zoop on into his consciousness or

whatever oh okay so is that what happens i think so i'm pretty pretty sure god were you around were you playing that fortnight game where they revealed all that stuff i think he falls down the chute and he puts his consciousness either he puts his consciousness into a bad clone or the bad clone just takes over after him and this was maybe the plan all along it's unclear because i guess that makes sense like if you like the cloning of snoke and whatever that's happening because palpatine's like i'm getting old like my body is dog shit now yeah i need a fresh new big headed giant fuck clone yeah do you think as well this is something i've just thought of then It's kind of actually a cool thing in Star Wars that Jango Fett was cloned almost with no problem.

There's only a few dud clones and stuff like that. Yeah. I think it is the midichlorians and stuff that makes it more complicated to clone. Because this guy's probably got some of the most powerful force inside of him. Some of them probably the highest rank of midichlorians next to Master Yoda. and Anakin Skywalker himself, that it's very difficult to get the clones

right. They come out looking like Snokes, I reckon. I reckon that's it. That's maybe my favorite thing in Star Wars now. Yeah, it's cool. It's cool to think that the midichlorians, because they're little guys, right? They're little dudes just running around in there. I think it's like Osmosis Jones, but I don't know.

I've never thought about it too much. I like to think of a lot of things like Osmosis Jones. Yeah, me too. I love Osmosis Jones. It's one of the coolest movies that describes what my body looks like on the inside with Will Smith in the lead. It was like, what if the magic school bus was a bit raunchier and a bit funnier, hey? Yeah, yeah. Would that be good in your guts? It would be awesome. It would be really awesome. And they were right. if what if the magic school bus was uh a bit raunchier and a bit funnier hey yeah yeah would that be good in your guts it would be awesome it would be really awesome they were right they were

right so wait i like that the three kinds of clones palpatine got out of his cloning regime was bad versions of him snokes and another guy that's well no one i think that's his kid leads into alexis theory as well because his bad like the other guy that is not force sensitive is a perfect clone like when we see a glimpse of them there's no perfection perfect when i saw him come on the screen in those movies i was like oh my god that's perfection i have to paint him hold on i must capture him on the canvas yeah yeah when you find out he's not force sensitive that's when you repulse you're like oh my god perfection no not quite lord yeah yeah but then he gives birth to a big full of midichlorian baby so i don't really know how that works the midichlorians they just skip a generation i guess yeah then well he wasn't force sensitive but i

guess his balls were full of the force yeah yeah yeah well maybe he was but not like didn't realize it or it never activated or whatever imagine if he is actually force sensitive but he just didn't know he didn't realize oh shit just as he dies he finds out or he becomes a force ghost but he's like i could have done so much cool shit fucking hell well fuck this shit i guess yeah well the other thing is yeah if it's just these balls like do these dick and balls become a force ghost just floating around just a little dick and balls sitting next to master yoda master yoda's like yuck that's gross i'm impressed with this dick and balls. I just, I'm still on Sheev Palpatine's canon Wikipedia page.

And there's an awesome section that is just family tree. It's got like the diagram of family tree. At the top of it, it says Darth Sidious Sheev Palpatine. And the next layer down is just cloning in brackets. Then the next layer down is just cloning in brackets. And that produces Snoke, Rey's father, and then Rey's mother. Wait. Wait, he cloned Rey's mother? No, no, no.

She's just some lady. She's some lady. There's no connection on her. I got very scared there. And then it's got Rey. And then underneath her name in brackets, it says ren, because she renounces her Palpatine heritage. That's right. She says she's Rey Skywalker at the end.

Good point. If you renounce your family, I don't think that goes on the family tree. I think it just says your name. I don't think you can really renounce it to that degree. I think that's awesome. I think that to me just goes man this guy had it all and he became such a big fat loser at the end of it all well if you think about his final plan his sequel trilogy plan is like a snoke who's been like i mean sorry a snoke a palpatine

who's been like i've been through so fucking much already like i i don't know what this plan will be like i'm so sick of trying to get another guy, get a second guy. Yeah. So he just shits one out that isn't very good. And it uses, if you think about it, a lot of parts from his old plans. Like, he's like, all right, I'm sitting here dying at the bottom of the chute. Okay, I got a lot of Snokes lying around, you know? Because what are they doing?

Chuck me in a Snoke or whatever. Chuck my brain in one. And I had that kid and he's somewhere. So let's keep an eye on him. How does he... Where does Ben Solo fit into all this? Where does the plan start? Like how...

You know? It's like... So he's... So I think his sequel plan is pretty much a combination of his first plan which is get the best number two guy and his second plan which is find a new number one guy for me like find a new body for me the number one guy and he's on like exegol which is like a crazy ancient sith world even worse than moraband formerly korriban so he on his ancient sith world even worse than moriband formerly korriban so he on his ancient sith on exegol he learns about ben solo right because he wouldn't know about it previously while he was

in the shoot because ben solo hadn't been born yet and he's there building like star destroyers and shit like that he's making a zombie army or whatever he's got richard e grant for some reason hanging out there jackson does it change the plan if his plan is the best number two guy is Ben Solo and he wants Rey as him? Yeah, but there's got to be a period of time. And so he can finally do what Snoke never could and hook up with Ben Solo. I put Snoke out there to be Ben Solo's boyfriend. And that never worked out for some reason That explains the gold robe Sexy

A gold robe has the energy of a man who fucks Yet unfortunately Snoke radiates big I do not fuck energy Yeah Poor Snoke So hang on Palpatine puts Snoke in charge of the new order, right? You know I don't know, brother. I think he does.

I think Snoke's in charge. He's like the new Palpatine. He fills the same role. Does Snoke have any power or is Snoke just a freaking smoke? No, he's in charge, but palpatine's working through him i think do you think snoke's doing the day-to-day like does he have his own brain and shit like or i don't know because palpatine also talks to ben solo through darth vader's mask because there's that line where he's like you know all these voices that you listen to

they've been this fucking guy so palpatine's just sitting there in exegol being like ben solo come to the dark side hey benny boy you fuck hey kill your uncle i'm still your uncle dude kill that fucking uncle of yours and then ben solo cuts down snoke and was that part of the plan or not because i thought it was but you told me maybe it wasn't does that mean no no i think no i think that that could be part of the plan but it's not part of the plan it's so i think it's part of the plan but i don't think that that's the point of the plan where it's like you kill snoke you become a bad guy you become a bad guy i think

that the way that he killed snoke was meant to kind of like it kind of is like hey Ray join me that's part of the plan okay he doesn't even know that he's a number two he's meant to just be like now the rule of two is me I'm a big bad guy now yeah yeah little do I know Ray's grandpa is out there being an extremely big bad guy what do you think is a

clone I I still think then if it's a clone, I still think that if it's a clone, this is not Ray's... He's not grandpapa, he's dad. He's just, wow. But like, skipped one generation kind of. Yeah. This is my analogy for who I think Sheev

is, okay? I think Palpatine is an auteur not unlike Academy award-winning filmmaker michael cimino he comes right out of the gate and makes the d hunter in 1978 wins all the best picture oscars yeah absolute masterpiece of a film then the next thing he does is heaven's gate it's interesting movie but it's an utter failure and completely destroys the American New Wave movement, setting back cinema many, many years

and putting everything in charge of studios and so we get blockbusters and stuff like that. The guy can never come back and recapture the magic after that. I think Sheev is like that. First plan out of the gate, put so much effort into every single little thing that he ever did. You know, maybe also an M. Night Shyamalan is quite a good example of this. Yeah.

Where he makes like this perfectly constructed plan. Everything is so well thought out and so multi-layered, all of it. And then when he has to start doing it again he's just like you know what i got no fucking idea i blew it all at once never expecting this shit you know i got none of this shit left and so at the end he's scrambling and all these other people in there heck even george lucas is a good example for this i'd say he's got all these people he's got all these people going like don't worry we can we got it we got it covered for you we're gonna make this cool for you and then just like each time like nah it's just like and there's a lot of like you know like same with sheev the

last plan it's just kind of lots of combinations of stuff from his old plans yeah brought back together in an attempt to make something new but uh in the end they just seems lazy and they've just got some figurehead there like yeah we love georgie boy i mean our sheath we love sheath we've got him up there and now we're all doing it all these little underlings we're doing everything and it's like well yeah it sucks shit it sucks heavily shit dude your plan sucks stupid It's a dumb plan Maybe Maybe Sheev Palpatine Was a genius Yeah The wheels fell off

And he died a loathed moron Yeah Much like is For many people In this world I'd say Yes That's a description of

Yeah A great number of people I think Even the smartest people Their wits about They might not have All their wits about them By the time they

the demise yeah you get old and as a consequence you get stupid and that's just life babe and loathed and loathed

you know absolutely people don't like old people they suck yeah I mean I love a lot of old people

but you know they vote incorrectly a lot of the time I'd say they vote incorrectly they're of the time, I'd say. They vote incorrectly. They're upset about stuff that doesn't make sense. They don't know how to turn on a phone. Yeah, exactly.

It's annoying. So, his plan did suck, but the guy had a couple of good innings in it. He did. I mean, look, the last plan just seems like a guy at the end of his rope making it up as he goes along oh i'll send this snoke out to seduce ben solo oh my god it worked i didn't expect that oh he fucking killed him all right time to come out of the woodwork and tell the galaxy i'm here and maybe he'll come to me oh holy shit he did all right hey can you kill ray skywalker i mean ray me my daughter oh okay you're gonna do that sick and then he finds

out they're a force dyad and he's like actually this works out great for me because i can go into one of you and then they strike him down and he's like well thank god it's finally over you know my lord i wonder if i'm ever gonna watch the rise of skywalker ever again this is i don't reckon yeah thinking about star wars is always a dangerous place for me because i get there's there's parts that excite me yeah so i'm like what if i just watched all nine films again and then probably also watched rogue one and solo and watched i don't know the mandalorian season one and two again star wars visions perhaps is on the high line for you it's true star wars visions is very much on my radar and for you it's true Star Wars Visions is

very much on my radar yeah if you're listening to this and you haven't heard me mention it on anything else please don't ask me about it because I clearly haven't seen it I've seen it it's cool yeah yeah it looks cool I just looked up a little bit then just out of curiosity I don't think he was trying to go into Rey's body I think he needed to use the life force of the dyad to make his body good again oh really which i don't know if that changes anything but that was the the goal it's a worse plan it's more lame it's way more lame as well and it also it's not a plan he kicks off literally until they're in exegol with him fighting him yeah and then he's like this actually works really well for me because i can i can suck your life force and become alive again i don't know what the next step after that is but it seems like he's at the point where he's not really planning he's improvising so he really

is rupert murdoch where he's like fully dead and shit it's like please let me control everything still and like yeah god i guess so yeah i guess everyone on the fucking planet has to suck up for this old guy to have a couple more laughs. You know, who gives a shit? I fucking hate Palpatine. And also this news, I think, has pushed me back into the, I'm probably not going to rewatch Star Wars right now. But I might. You might. I would love you to.

That's a tough thing. Like, I've never been more obsessed with anything in my life than my love for Star Wars. I don't know if I'll ever have a rewatch in me because I hate that Rise of Skywalker so much. What in Rise of Skywalker was the point of the knife map? Remind me. That is when they go- They've found Ochi, who is the- The bounty hunter bad guy, yeah.

The bounty hunter, assassin, treasure hunter, whatever. Friends with Babu Frick, right? He's Babu Frick's acquaintance. I don't know if they're friends. I don't know if they're friends, yeah. Ochi killed Ray's parents, and then in Ochi's tomb where he died, they find the knife. And then when they go to the Death Star near the ruins,

presumably near Endor, the forest moon of Endor, probably on the big planet around there, they get the knife and they go, hang on a tick, this is exactly the same shape as this fucking object that's sitting in there. I don't know if it was made after that. They go, let's make this knife look exactly like that. Is that where they get it from?

I think so, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then what does it lead them to? To the Death Star. The Holocron's in there. But in the Death Star, oh, the Holocron in the Death Star, which is how they get to Exegol. Yeah, Holocron has a lot of evil power in it. So Palpatine's plan was to make a knife

map, give it to a guy hope that somehow ray and ben would find the knife map use the knife map on the ruins of a death star that had been bobbing around at the ocean for decades then hopefully hadn't changed position go inside get the holocron immediately come to him and then he finds out they're a force dyad and then he's like well i'll jump it it's i just think that part is not part of his plan that's where someone else and he's dead and other people take control and he's like god damn these guys are much worse than me coming with plans too much weird little things going on yeah i was starting to

be like you know what it kind of makes sense like he's just improvising and whatever not a great plan but now we've reached this point and i'm like no he's just a fucking idiot yeah like what the fuck what does that mean how does the what is what does any of that mean you know at this point he should have died way earlier frankly he's been very lucky though let's be honest you know stay dead dickhead yeah this is actually my real life conspiracy that i'm living in right now because you know rupert now i've put the rupert murdoch allegory in there yeah he's the own fox which was produced what produced Star Wars for a long time. That's true. Star Wars, often people of recent love to say that

it went too woke, but the original Star Wars is a criticism of the Vietnam War. Absolutely. Even the freaking 2000s prequels are freaking same thing about Vietnam War. And Richard M. Nixon. That's true. One of the most applauded

presidents in the history of mankind. Yeah. And also you get like a reflection of the Bush era coming through in some of the prequels as well. So maybe. Absolutely, dude. Yeah. Maybe this is about Rupert Murdoch and maybe he should also stay dead. Maybe his plans have been bad.

That's what I think as well. Murdoch realized his plans have been bad about going against climate change and being like, ignore it. It's awesome. I get more money if things are effort. Yeah. I think Rupert Murdoch has, like Sheev Palpatine, found maybe something that gives him immortality. And now he realizes, oh, I'm not going to die.

I better make the planet last around so I can last here too. That is what's going on in both Star Wars and real life. When I look at photos of Rupert Murdoch, it fills me with great joy that just one full body sneeze would end that man's life. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. How is he kicking around still? Wow.

He must have the most hectic vaccine coursing through his face. He looks like if you grabbed his face and pulled, it would be like Laffy Taffy, and you could pull it for like several meters away from his skull. And then if you let go, it would slap back and then hang loosely off his frame. I think, in conclusion, we can come to the fact that yeah, Sheev Palpatine

a fucking idiot in life and in death much like Rupert Murdoch will be he had a couple of good goes at it, he had a couple of good plans but you know, he just, he didn't have what it took to get through to the very end at a certain point you gotta pack it in and

leave it to the next generation, frankly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's not the biggest moron ever. There's worse morons in Star Wars, but he just didn't have what it took. He should have handed off earlier. He should have handed off, pass on, let the Empire do its thing longer, you know? When you've got to quit, you've got to quit. That's the lesson.

Know when... Look, this is advice from Pomodoro star yeah just know when to die yeah yeah listen to kenny rogers you gotta know when to fold them brother yeah exactly he never knew when to stop being in charge and pass shit on he was so obsessive being number one yeah god everybody's got a time everybody's got an expiry date, an expiration date, you know? Yeah, an expiration date probably around the time you look like a freaking white dog turd

getting zapped back from Mr. Mace Windu. That's when you should have been like, listen, okay? Yeah, when you're lying in that chute, your bones broken and your guts falling out of your stomach, your face a little prune you're like do i go into that shitty clone i made or is it do i take the l i'll take the l

i'll take around the time you're making some of the weirdest noises and faces ever while you're fighting little master yoda that you should be like god i'm actually not cut out for this shit anymore yeah when your bussy pop in his butt, a distant memory. Yeah, exactly. Call it in. You're done. It's fine. Yeah, get Thrawn or someone in.

Thrawn can do all the cool stuff and then you suck the power up after. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Alexi Toliopoulos. And Alexi, where can we find you? You can find me on this very here network on Total Reboot with Cameron James where we talk about movies and cinema. We just are in the midst of a big old miniseries about man versus machine,

some of the biggest icons of science fiction cinema. We just did an episode on Robocop with Nick Mason and we did an episode on the Terminator original with Mr. Sunday Movies. So, if you like hearing us talk about big ol' sci-fi products like Star Wars which actually is sci-fi. It's fantasy, not science fiction.

It's sci-fair. It's actually fantasy. It's not science fiction. That's something that I'll talk about any day of the week. You'll love that miniseries. Good point to start off with there you go and also we were just saying before there's an episode that i did with these two boys and cam about mac and me the ripoff of et probably the best podcast i've ever done and be sure to check out the baseless speculation episode on jurassic park fallen kingdom which

no not fallen kingdom dominion yeah which is maybe the best podcast i've ever done also yeah that was real fun that's something else that's actually one of my best hot hangs with you guys is that jurassic world when we just recorded anyway star wars is sick but she's a fucking idiot. Bye. Yeah, bye. Hey, dickhead. Are you thirsty for more Sandspants? Let us shoot our long, hot ropes of content right into your gaping ear holes. Head to Sandspantsradio.com to check out all 26 of our public podcasts and become a member of Sandspants Plus to check out 20 more bonus shows and bonus feeds.

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