Plumbing the Death Star - Does Jon Hammond Understand Theme Parks?

Episode Date: May 26, 2014

In which our heroes go to Jurassic Park and have an expensive bad time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sanspence Radio, because the safe word is not, I forget the safe word. Welcome to Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, does John Hammond even understand how theme parks are meant to work? Alright, so, because I was watching Jurassic Park a while back, and I realized that as a theme park, Jurassic Park kind of makes no sense, right? It's not really commercially viable. There's dinosaurs. Well, there's dinosaurs.

Yeah, great. Dinosaurs as well. But I want to do the math, all right? Okay. So where is it? Where is Jurassic Park happening? It's just outside Costa Rica. All right.

Isla Sorna. All right. Okay. So how do you get there? By plane. And then helicopter. Okay, so let's imagine for a second that Jurassic Park, it's come out, all the testing's been done, it's fine,

and us three, we're like, let's go to Jurassic Park. Let's go see some dinosaurs. So first we're going to have to go to Costa Rica, right? So that's a plane ticket there. How much do you

reckon that's going to set us back? I don't know, what? A cup of hundy? A cup of hundy to Costa Rica? I want to say at least two grand.

Nah, it's not that expensive. A plane, I mean, to get to Thailand. A return, I guess, would be somewhere between $1,000 and $2,000.

Let's just say on like off-peak. $1,000 and $2,000. Let's just say on off-peak. $1,000. $1,000. So we got a deal. We got a deal. We went to flights. Yeah. We got a pretty good deal.

Hey, we're going to Jurassic Park. Help us out here. Yeah, I know. All right. So three grand return for us. That's nice. Okay, so three grand return. Yes.

All right, so we're already three grand down. All right, so we've arrived in Costa Rica. Sick. Now we've got to pay for the helicopter trip. Fuck. Right? Okay, so how much is that going to set us back? Well, I mean, considering that's the only way in for people who go to Jurassic Park to go across,

I'm sure that's not going to be that expensive, and that will probably be built into the cost of the ticket of Jurassic Park itself. All right, cool. You've raised a decent point. So how much is the ticket going to cost us? All right, well, if you We're seeing dinosaurs, remember we are seeing dinosaurs Real life

Well, if you remember in the film The greedy lawyer dick is like We could charge anywhere between $2,000 Or we could charge $10,000 Yeah, exactly So let's go somewhere in between Let's say $7,000 $7,000

That's each, because that's a ticket So let's go somewhere in between Let's say seven Seven grand That's each because that's a ticket Add that on to the plane ticket I would expect The ticket of Jurassic Park To cover my ticket to Costa Rica There's no guarantee Because then what about people living in Costa Rica

And it's going to be different for everyone But that's okay We're already sinking ten grand Into going to be different for everyone. But that's okay. We're already sinking $10,000 into going to Jurassic Park. Each. $10,000 each. Because that's a plane ticket each, and that's an island ticket. How long am I there for? Is this like a day pass? That's another question. How long do you want to spend?

Do you want to spend $10,000 to go to Jurassic Park for a day? God no. I want to spend at least two weeks. At least two weeks. Okay, so we've got to factor in accommodation now What are we paying for accommodation? Also This doesn't cover the ten grand?

No This is terrible Alright Is Is there accommodation in Jurassic Park? I don't You never see any Well no

Because whenever anything bad comes happen Like there's a storm Everyone fuck off out of the island It's like not Not everybody get to the house Or the shelter that we've built No no no I like that their only escape strategy Was just a out of the island. Not everybody get to the house or the shelter that we've built. I like that their only escape strategy was just a boat off the island.

They weren't like, let's build a safe shelter in case the dinosaurs get out. Just go. Just everyone go. So, accommodation. You'd have to go back to Costa Rica for accommodation. I guess you would. How many hours are you spending? What's the flight time by helicopter?

Costa Rica, it's an island off the coast, say, what, an hour? Two? Two hours, four hours every day. We're going there for two weeks. Oh my God, frustrating. We're probably paying another, I'd say, two weeks in Costa Rica, another at least two, three grand. If you're viable, you would have to build a resort on the island itself.

So, like, dinosaurs just acted as sort of the secondary function. Yeah, it's almost like Disneyland. There are Disneyland resorts, but okay, they're not included in a ticket to Disneyland. No. So, I'm going to say a resort in Jurassic Park for two weeks, I mean, that's got to be at least five grand. Like, you're at Jurassic Park. Yeah, meals are covered, right? Yeah, meals are covered. But not booze. But not booze. That's from the be at least five grand. Like, you're at Jurassic Park. Yeah, meals are covered, right? Yeah, yeah, meals are covered.

But not booze. But not booze. That's from the minibus. So we've already spent 15 grand to just go to the island and stay. And what sort of entertainment do they have? Exactly. Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs.

That's it? Just do dinosaur stuff? I guess you go on the ride once. And then you're like... Okay, but I'm there for two weeks I go out and I see some dinosaurs and just doing their stuff and dinosauring around

Do you see dinosaurs, Sam? Because if you remember in the film Sam Neill, his wife and all of they go through they see a sick dinosaur Not even that Only see that because they get out of the car that they're not meant to get out of.

And also, like, the velociraptors are in cage, so you can't see them at all. The T-Rex is, like, it's huge. You see when Sam Neill... It's in a paddock. Yeah, it's miles away. You're not going to see that. It's just gone.

It's elsewhere. So we've sunk 15 grand, not including booze and extra, like, I don't know, there's, a tiki fire show or something. Is there a petting zoo where I can pet some of the less vicious dinosaurs? I don't... Think so. I doubt it. Somehow I think that would be a PR nightmare.

Maybe. Why not? Well, if you... A little tiny herbivore one. John Hammond seems to have a clear disregard for PR because when they're shipping dinosaurs, one of the guys gets killed and he gets sued for $20 million.

That's true. They bring up the fact there's a lawsuit. He just soldiers on. He don't care. He's like, ah, I just lost $20 million. Who cares? Whatever. People are going to die.

I'm building dinosaurs. My favorite part in that whole film is when it all falls to shit. Rather than John Hammond going, oh man, I've made a mistake, he just sits in the dining room and he starts eating ice cream like a motherfucker. And it's just like, I think like ten different flavours of ice cream. Like, is John Hammond actually crazy? John Hammond, in a weird way, is a bit like George Lucas.

That's exciting. Like the prequels, you know, he's like, I've got this idea, and everybody's scared of him, so nobody's standing in his way. Nobody's like, uh, John. At first, people try and tell him it's a bad idea. And he's just like, no. I am sold on this idea. Let's try this. Let's do a little roleplay. I'll be John Hammond.

Alright. Gotta get British. He kind of talks like this life. He's David Attenborough's brother in real life. Life will find a way. That good? Yes. We're happy with it? Except he does not say that. Shut up. Does it matter? No. What does he say? Sam Neill says Life will find a way. That good? Yes. We're happy with it? Except he does not say that. Shut up. Does it matter? No. What does he say? Sam Neill says life will find a way. No, that's not my question. Jeff Goldblum. Yeah, well, what

does John Hammond say? Life will find a way. Life will find a way. Alright, so I'm drawing up the plans for Jurassic Park. You're all the investors, because you have had to have some. I want to be your brother. Alright.

Your younger brother. The more level-headed one. I'll be George Hammond. Good. George, and who are you in my office now? George, Jeff, I intend... The actor? Yeah, the actor. Not the character.

The character is totally different. I want to be the actor. George, Jeff, thank you. Not the character. The character is totally different. The actor. I want to be the actor. George, Jeff, thank you for coming, Jeff. I have a plan. Yes, John. I'm going to build an island, and I'm going to fill it with dinosaurs. I've got InGen.

You know InGen? They make their clone. I'm going to clone dinosaurs, and then children can come and see them and maybe touch them. I love this. I'm a huge... Isn't it good?

Oh, John, we've been thinking of this since childhood. This is amazing. We used to play with all the toy dinosaurs. This is great. Well, it's kind of my baby.

I know. This is fantastic. I'm so looking forward to this. Yes. I'm so supportive. I know. It's not really... I know.

I'm not trying to take any of that. I'm just so supportive of you. I'm happy because I love you as a brother. I love the fact that you're getting these herbivore dinosaurs that can't harm any children. Brother dearest. I intend to give children the entire experience.

T-Rexes, Velociraptors, Pterodactyls, all dinosaurs. Whatever I can clone, I will clone, brother. But John, T-Rexes can kill with one chop. We'll electrify fences and we'll keep the dinosaurs in the fences. But then what's the point of having them? And I'll hire Newman from Seinfeld and he can be in charge of my security. Jeff, you've been unreasonably quiet. What are your thoughts? Well, as an actor, I'm not 100% qualified to comment, but it seems like a really fucking bad idea.

Well, I did the works already. I've bought the island. What am I going to do with the island now? You've already started cloning? I've cloned at least two. Why not start with, like, small... I've got a velociraptor and a pterodactyl in the back. Why not start with smaller dinosaurs?

Well, in retrospect, that would have been a good idea, but I've already bought the island So we're soldiering on Imagine it would have gone something a bit like that That's the point You're not just building You're not cloning these smaller dinosaurs Easier to maintain dinosaurs No no no

T-fucking-rex and velociraptors I feel like the biggest issue with Hammond, having the lawyers come in and be like, you're sued for $20 million, and him still just brushing that off. Oh, well. Okay. Who cares?

My problem. Just like, John. Yeah, John Hammond. It's just like, knock, knock, knock, knock. John, oh my God, there's been a terrible, terrible accident.

One of the people that is shipping the dinosaurs has been mauled to death and eaten by your dinosaur the family's suing you for 20 million well never mind that have you have you sent it have you have you prepared my helicopter so i could go and get archaeologists because i feel like archaeologists will be able to tell me if a theme park is good i feel like they're the most qualified right have you at least called your grandchildren and told them they're coming? Of course they're coming. Also, John, I just want to... Paleontologist,

not archaeologist. John Hammond doesn't know. John, I just want to ask, how many people are staffing this whole thing? There's just me, there's Samuel L. Jackson. I'm getting him.

I'm sure somebody's got to cook the food, so a chef. At least one. And that'll do me. Wayne Knight. He'll be coming. I just want to point out, this whole new state-of-the-art security system

of trying to keep giant dinosaurs from eating everybody. And you've hired two people. One who has had constant bickering with you about paycheck and pay scale. Yes. Maybe. So what? I mean, it just seems that you've got 20. Did you see I got Newman from time?

That's who we're talking about. I want to point out, you get a $20 million lawsuit, you brush that off like nothing. Newman bitches about a pay scale, and you're like, I do not want to hear about your money issues again. I was just sick of Newman's bullshit by that point.

But okay. Why don't you pay him? Actually, that's a good point, though. So Wayne Knight, he's the actor that played him. I can't remember his character's name in Jurassic Park. We're going with Newman. Newman from Seinfeld. Dennis Nedry is the name of the character. Which is an awful name, so I'm going to go with Newman.

Newman, after Seinfeld finished, he was like, I need a job. Fuck being a mailman. And he became a hacker or whatever he is. So your boss is being sued for $20 million. You have the balls to go up to him He became a hacker or whatever he is. So your boss is being sued for $20 million. $20 million. You have the balls to go up to him and then ask for a pay rise.

Well, yeah, because he doesn't seem to be caring about the fact that he's being sued for $20 million. And the thing about it, John Hammond's got a lot of money. Yeah, well, he must. I mean, it's not like... They obviously probably weren't investors. If you were a clever investor,

you wouldn't invest in Jurassic Park. He just must have the money, I guess. Is InGen his company? Sure, let's go with yes. Yeah, all right. So InGen's his company. They've got cloning technology. They're cloning dinosaurs.

But, okay, going back. So we've sunk what? How much money into visiting Jurassic Park? It was like 15 grand each. 15 grand each. So all up, what are we looking at? 30, 45 grand. Three people got that math, Jackson.

Okay. Yes, yes, 45 grand. 45 grand. Shut up. Hang on. 15 plus 15. Carry the 80. If I add an X.

Plus the five. Dinosaurs. We can find that way. Dinosaurs. Cloning. Genetics. Well, how much is it then? Was I right?

Yes. I don't know. You're fucking scaring me. Okay, so we've sunk 45 grand. Is that worth it to maybe see a dinosaur? No. No, not at all. Maybe not.

And like... But also, what's the point of your velociraptor? I mean, why clone them? No one sees them. They're in a cage that's sort of shut out from sunlight. And if you notice, I just think John Hammond's bad with money. Because he lowers the cow in, the Velociraptors just tear the shit out of the harness, the metal rigging. So every time he feeds them, he's going to have to replace that harness

There must be just a shed full of them I know it's a small detail But that would build up after time Where's keeping the cows and goats? That's a good question Because I guess Once it pops up from under the ground What the f...

Wait, in the T-Rex cage? Yeah Yeah, it just pops up under the ground It's a goat It just pops up from under the ground Well, I guess You see cloning sheep and cows or goats and cows as well. Are they going to be cloning them just to feed them?

Because that seems like a lot of waste. But I guess, think about it like this. After we've gotten sick of the dinosaurs, padding food. That's true. That's nice. The velociraptors, he started off with eight or something. And he says, we've cloned this other one who's a bit of a cunt and just lets rips to shred the other ones it only leaves two so he's like that's his a death to like six other

raptors right there that's that's true that's not cheap he is sinking a lot of money into jurassic park bad with this coin and also like the like the t-rex goes to eat some of the other dinosaurs again that's a lot of money but he wasn't counting on the part that's true there is that but you've got to question his hiring choices when he gets dennis nadry or newman in you can see when newman's sitting there at the computer he's just a dick it's like he's also been he belittles he's like he belittles him for being a fat slob yeah which is hilarious i know so so he's kind of his own Yeah, he's sort of like breeding a workplace Of just contempt

And okay, here's another question So at the end of Jurassic Park When the park's destroyed How does John Hammond get out of that? How does he get out of the What? Helicopter No, not physically

How many people die? We've got the lawyer you've got the Samuel Jackson and the hunter guy the hunter guy who's seen what was his thing

I don't I don't was that their only security in case the dinosaurs got out he's got a shotgun one guy with a rifle exactly one guy with a rifle

he sees a dinosaur he just goes clever girl and then gets like face eaten. Rather than go like, bang. He didn't have a security force. I must admire this raptor before it kills me.

Yeah, because we are equals. Yes. So, okay, there's a storm coming, right? Yes. And over the sound system, it's like, everybody get to the boat. Everybody get to the boat. Did the security team just go too? they're like yeah it's probably talking about us

right? we're not important also a really really big issue again with money and it just being an awful awful idea not only for a theme park but logically the dinosaur you see that's dying that is sick is implied it's dying because it's just allergic

to it's environment because it's just allergic to its environment because things that went extinct a long time ago went extinct for a reason. Also the giant long neck dinosaur the Diplodocus. Sneezes. Sneezes. All the dinosaurs

are dying. They're all incredibly sick. John Hammond just sinks money in like whatever the fuck, I'll buy buying fucking dinosaurs. They all die. He's probably happy. He can just abandon the project. It's like, that was bad. I'm gonna go and just breed lions

to put into middle class suburbia. That will be safer. Just a lion army. Alright, good. Here's Don. Was there any research or any common sense on John Hammond's life? There's no, like, dino vet there. But there were heaps of scientists.

Did one of them not go, John, sorry, buddy, but did you know that dinosaurs were around? The oxygen, like, the whole environment was very different. Probably the moment we clone them, they'll just die. They can't breathe this atmosphere. No, no, you see, because i've got frog dna which is again another awful thing that he should have actually he he used dna from a frog that has been known

to change its sex yeah but that said i mean if you're gonna go with like that kind of stuff it's sort of like well yes recently there was a snake that gave a virgin birth as well yeah no no no no no but it's in like no that frog that they chose to, that isn't like a recent development. No, no, no, no, but that then is like, oh, fucking Sam Neill, it's not like that frog is like, he said, oh, oh, maybe some frogs are known to in the, like,

just in general as frogs. Basically, maybe. It's like saying some humans are known to have red hair. Life will find a way. And going back to the fact that it's a terrible theme park, right? So imagine we've arrived. We've sunk 45 grand. We're here.

We're about to go on the tour. What's the first thing we do? We're itching to see some dinosaurs. He's like, yeah, but first, hop in this chair and watch this shittily animated video. Yes. Does John Hammond go there for every single one? Yes, because the screen...

Because he has to script it. He has to talk to it. Yeah. Yeah. How mad would you be sitting in that booth being like, Because he has to script it. He has to talk to it. Yeah. Yeah. How mad would you be sitting in that booth being like, I just don't care. I just want to see a dinosaur. The security measures in that instance were superb.

Yeah, that's very true. Although then again, actually no, because Sam Neill just pushes it off and walks off. He just gets up and leaves. Why were they even strapped in? I think that's pretty much an indication of his poor security. It's not like it moved much. It just swung. Like Disneyland.

They have a lot in terms of security. Disneyland has good security. You can go and you can stay there. You can do a whole heap of different things. It's not on an island in the middle of nowhere. Nothing that can murder you. You can drive to Disneyland.

Look, a lion in theory could just murder you, yes. But, I mean... A T-Rex is, I mean... Okay, was it legal? Was he doing it illegally? Well, I'm guessing it's off the coast of Costa Rica. It's still Costa Rica. If I went to Kangaroo Island...

Are you sure it's not like in the international waters somewhere? I think the UN would still not be happy. Yeah, where's the un in still not be happy where's the un in this or yeah where's any form of government did he go to costa rica or did he just do it just started doing it yeah whatever john hammond don't give a fuck john hammond literally doesn't give a fuck every single person he speaks to is like this is an awful idea and he's just like dinosaurs i like the first thing that happens sam Neill being like You've cloned raptors? What's wrong with you? I know, it's not like raptors were like

Down the list, like after we've Perfected cloning and gotten shit going You know, oh my god Ticket sales are down, we need something Something wild and crazy to bring in the Raptors, that'll do it No, no, no, it's like number two on his list Yeah, he's like raptors will be the second one

Jeff Goldblum as well is just like No, no, no. It's like number two on his list. Yeah, he's like, raptors will be the second one. Jeff Goldblum as well is just like, stop. Stop this. Stop it. I like to imagine that he's like, come grandkids, play with this raptor. I'll hop on this car. It's not perfected. This is my prototype. Like, go. I'm testing this thing.

Where are those kids' parents? Did their parents know those kids were going to Jurassic Park? I don't think so. I hope he kidnapped them. I'm guessing it's like, oh, don't worry, young what-a-mary. That's his daughter's name. Yeah, Marian.

I'll take the kids for the weekend, and you and your husband can go off and have a nice little adventure, and I'll look after them. Let's go see some dinosaurs. And they would be so pumped, and then trauma. Yeah. Okay, so... Yeah, speaking of, that young girl, she has would be so pumped, and then trauma. Okay, so... Yeah, speaking of, that young girl, she has definitely got, like, some PSD.

Oh, she was... Both of them, they were nearly killed by a T-Rex. They should all have PTSD. But, okay, imagine that none of that happened. Imagine Jurassic Park went forward as planned. The security measures were fine. They went through the park. There was...

Nobody fucked up, and it was fine right now imagine like it's like a year down the track and remember it's 45 grand to get in so nobody's coming is it just gonna be like a lot of bored tour guides just kind of kicking around maybe one person there because who'd go surely because of the price and that it's on an island somewhere with dinosaurs, he would probably only open it when they have a booking. I doubt he'd just keep, like, all right, tour guides. No one's coming for the next four and a half years. I reckon for a while it would be viable because you'd have the mega rich going,

I have so much money, I want to see a dinosaur. Hey, John Hammond, I'll give you a billion dollars if you let me put a saddle on that T-Rex. And knowing John Hammond... Yes, that was my plan from the beginning. First a park, then a race. But the thing is, in the film, he's like, I want it to be open to everybody.

Poor Rich, I don't care. Yeah, you're right. He wants the poor to come. That's right. The lawyer is like, it'll cost somewhere between two grand and ten grand and he's like i want everyone to come and the lawyer's like ha ha we can have a coupon day yeah exactly i keep on to die so the poor aren't coming sorry john hammond but that's nobody's if i am like struggling to support my two kids and i'm like working four jobs i'm not

gonna be like kids this christmas we're going to be like, kids, this Christmas we're going to Jurassic Park. I don't know, I reckon. We're not eating again. Yeah, you'd save up to go. Yeah, but you still, like you can save, if I've got a family of four.

True. That's 15 grand each. You'd take on a mortgage just to go to Jurassic Park. 60 grand. And hope, hope that one of your kids would get eaten

so then you could like sue him. Yeah, we could sue him and tell me you wouldn't. But he doesn't care. He'd be like, okay, whatever. Take my money. hope that one of your kids would get eaten so then you could sue him. Yeah, we could sue him and... Tell me you wouldn't. But he doesn't care. He'd be like, okay, whatever. Take my money. I'm going to be rich from Jurassic Park.

It's like, dude, Jurassic Park's been open for two years and we're operating at a loss. Nobody's coming. Why did you build it on an island? Why did you not make a boat service? There's just the helicopter. Why didn't he build it where he's from? Why not put it in America, but just

a park? Yeah, because I'm pretty sure there would be sanctions against this. Yeah, I'm fairly sure the American government, Obama, would be like, uh, nope. That's not going to happen. Imagine the protests. Good, I'm glad that wouldn't happen. Jurassic Park isn't...

I think the reason why is because, yeah, protests. To go there and protest, you've got to spend at least you know yeah exactly nobody's sinking like 15 grand to go there and hold up a picket sign no no that's why he built it so far away jurassic park is in no way and never will be a commercially viable theme park or a good idea in general. Just, it's an awful idea. No one really cares that much about dinosaurs. If someone was like to me, hey, Joel, let's come see a dinosaur,

I'd be like, okay, but if I had already had plans, I mightn't even cancel them. Yeah, exactly. If all my friends were like, Jackson, we're going to go to Jurassic Park this summer. I'd be like, oh yeah, so how much is it? They're like, 15 grand. I'm like, I have to live.

I've got to work. No, I guess. Yeah, I would propose that if I was, say, John's brother, George, I would say, hey, John, rather than do this, why don't we clone those miniature dinosaurs that are like herbivores and sell them as pets? Yeah. Well, see, there you go. That's more viable, but it's probably a lot of

red tape involved in that. Probably. You know. But you're telling me there's no red tape in fucking Jurassic Park? I'm sure that... You're building it on an island. Illegal, Pat. Certainly. Jurassic Park is dumb. John Hammond sucks.

He needs a much better legal team. God damn it. Somebody should have told him it was a bad idea. No, he should have listened. Everyone told him it was a bad idea. John Hammond just should have listened. This has been Plumbing the Death Star. I've been Joel.

I've also been Joel. And I have been Jackson. Let's go buy a dinosaur. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.