Plumbing the Death Star - Does Willy Wonka Know How to Run a Damn Competition?

Episode Date: April 19, 2026

Jackson is so mad at Wonka that he forgot the golden rule of running a competition: the goal for the company, or in this instance, the man, is to get as much money as humanly possible. Jackson is so hellbent on Charlie becoming Wonka’s heir that he has perhaps forgotten that Willy Wonka is a famous dirtbag, liar and exploiter of workers. Perhaps with an incredible record setting year in chocolate sales, Wonka has picked this moment to scarper with all those funds and then give the key to his “fortune” to some stupid child who was too busy sucking down snozzberries to realise he had been scammed. Charlie is a literal child, he doesn’t know anything about taxes, shareholders or ROI. Two years down the line, he’s going to get a knock on the door while Wonka has disappeared into the wind, laying down on some beautiful island getting his snozzberry slopped off. We’d say not that island, but truth be told, would you be surprised if Wonka’s name appeared on a list? Charlie is going to rot in jail. Idiot child. Just like Jacksom.Links to everything at https://linktr.ee/plumbingthedeathstar including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's up gamers and fans of podcasts in general? Are you a gamer and a fan of a podcast and maybe in Sydney in April? That was my practice one. I'm good to go. It was really good. I don't think you need to practice anymore. What's up gamers and fans of other podcasts that aren't necessarily video game-based. Did you know that Thumbcrams is heading to Sydney in April?

That's right. Thumbcrams and Friends present Sidney April on April 16 at 7.30 p.m. At where? What? The factory theater. I don't know. Don't look at us. We don't know.

You tell me where we're performing. We're performing it in the factory floor, which is one of the rooms in the wonderful factory theater. And when? I don't know that either. I said just before. Well, remind, he wasn't listening. I'm not listening. I don't know what's going on.

I'm very scared. And it's on April 16. Thursday, April 16 at 7.30 p.m. respectable time for a weeknight. Yeah. And thumb cramps obviously is hosted by me and Jackson. Yes. You might have heard when I said thumb cramps and friends present

in April. And you're probably sitting there being like, Who are friends? I'd love to buy a ticket to this podcast, but I need to know who their friends are. Great news. It's Joel Zammett. Hello, I'm right here.

You probably heard my voice from before when I said, what's going on? You can expect some of the. But you can also expect that from Andrew Levens. He's not in this studio currently. We can't throw to him. Yeah, but he'll be there. Steph Panicassio.

Also not in the studio. But you can imagine what you might say. Chloe Appleby. Same thing. Bet she'd have a good joke right about now. Ruby Inners. I bet she'd say something mean to me. Those are the friends, but whose thumb cramps?

Well, it's Joel Dusha. Hey! It's me. Back to bye. And Jackson Bailey. I'm in Zammett Bailey And Zammett Bailey This starts going really well

Anyway Tickets are available now There is only like 30 or so left We booked a room that we thought Was gonna be too big And now it's looking like it could sell out You can get tickets through the thumb cramps

Instagram bio Or any of the show descriptions Of a thumb cramps episode Listen released in the last Probably the show notes of this episode too Whatever it is Look down I guess Grab your phone and be like

Look down but not too down because that's how you'll find the floor. This is Thumbcrams' first time doing a show outside of Melbourne and technically London. Yeah. So don't forget to come. And I'll see you there, gamers. Don't you dare forget to come to our show. Don't you forget to come.

It's such a funny call-out. Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumming the Death Stuff. I'm Joe. I'm Jackson. I'm also Joel. Plumming the Net Star is a comedy, pop culture podcast, and ask the important questions.

Like, does Willie Wonka know how to run a damn competition? This is a listener suggestion from my good friend Jackson Bailey. Listen to? Yeah. Listen to the podcast. I don't know if he listens.

I listen after the fact. Jackson, but in the podcast, no. Jackson doesn't listen when he's here. And then he goes home and he's like, damn, I want to listen to a podcast. The only podcasts that are funny to me are ones I'm in or Comtown. Yeah.

And I've listened to All of Comtown already, and it's rotting my brain. So I should listen to Plum in the Death Stuff. It's a good podcast, dude. I'm thinking about Willie Wonker and I'm getting full on pissed off. Yeah, because he doesn't know how to run a competition. God, pissed off at Wonka. Oh, it's. Oh, what do you do?

Take us through what's pissing you off. Like, break it down for us. Okay. Break it down. Jackson style. I misremembered a thing. I got pissed off. I message my friends.

I'm Jackson. Time to shoot my pants. I'm going to shout that in a group chat once again. Yeah, that is what happens. That is my life. I'm watching Willie Walker. I'm getting pissed off. I'm messaging my friends.

I'm getting yelled at. My friends will listen to me. They're really angry now. They've ignored my message twice. I shut my pants. Yeah So, okay, what I was thinking about Is I was thinking about how Willie Wonka

So he's, everyone's got Wonka mania Yeah, great, right? He goes, hey, I'm gonna put five You already misremembered I didn't expect to call you on this so early Do you remember where the Wonka Mania is coming from? I guess they are happening concurrently Because the Wonka Mania is because he's put it out

all the fucking Golden tickets Yeah, the Wonka mania is happening because of the tickets But also you've got to remember that Willie Wonka I don't think the Walka mania is happening because of the tickets, bitch, I think. I don't, I disagree with him. I think it is. And also because everyone's hype because Willie Wonka hasn't been seen. No, Willie Wonka.

Willie Wonka hasn't been seen enough. He's a recluse. He's a recluse. And he's started, he's reemerged. But in the beginning of Willie Walker in the chocolate factory. When Charlie goes to the chocolate factory, not the chocolate factory, until he's like local candy store for the first time. Don't we get a shot of the factory?

And they're saying, Who can make the bat? Yeah. There's like a fucking... But that's when the golden ticket is... No, bitch. There's like a montage. There's like a montage that's just like, the world loves Willie Wonka. Oh, you know what?

Wankham mania is ramped through the streets. People are shitting and throwing up. They love this motherfucker's chocolate so much. Yeah. And then... Was it the factory was closed and then it got reopened again? Yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's not the competition. Yeah, because it reopened, right? Yeah, they go. Holy fuck-a-rollie. You know what? Jackson, you were right. Thank you. Vindicate it.

Sometimes, my friends, vindicate me. Not always, but I'm often wrong. Not this time. Synopsis I'm looking at here. Yeah. Real. Look. Touch and go.

Down the line, it does seem like the mania is because the factory's reopening, which is part of the golden ticket thing. I thought it was like reopening and then on top of that. Yeah, it reopens and then the golden. Then they're going to do a golden ticket. Because they do shit where they show like, this computer is designed to love chocolate or whatever. There's like a fucking montage where everybody's...

Which one we talk with? The Gene Wilder one we talk about? Yeah, the Gene Wilder one. You forget that there's this weird montage that's just showing how much people love Willie Wonka's chocolate. And it includes, you know, like the queen's eating it or some shit. And then... They love chocolate.

They go, hey, guess what? You children. Now, is it because of the scarcity and hype of... The Golden Ticket? No. The internet is saying yes. The internet's wrong. But your memory of a movie that when was the last time you saw?

20. Like 2021, maybe? People often keep referring to Wonka Mania as the world going crazy for the Golden Ticket, which does really seem to suggest that it's more for the Golden Ticket. Maybe we're splitting ears, but what if it's it? The Wonka Mania is for the Golden Ticket. the golden ticket, but prior to that, there was Wonka hype. Because when the children rush into the candy store at the beginning of the movie,

they're not doing it for the golden ticket, they're just doing it for the chocolate. Because then the guy goes, who can make the sunshine? And he hits a kid with a... Yeah, he donks the kids. It's great. Smacks a kid with a bench. It's rules. Anyway, this is unimportant.

Doesn't matter. Okay. So, they go, there's five golden tickets. Yeah. Okay? And they're randomly dispersed throughout the Wonka chocolates across the fucking wall. world.

Okay? Is it across the world? Yes. What is he? What are you stand to game? It is across the world. One of us from, German.

Oh yeah, they are. Nipicking every fucking thing I say. What do you stand to game? It is across the world. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Sorry, play on.

Continue. Motherfucker. He's decided somewhere along the line that he's the umpire of plumbing the death star. Can we in the future just give you cards that you can hold up

so you don't interrupt. Can I have a whistle? Yes. No, that'll interrupt us. But I can talk through a whistle. I guess. It's because in the early days, and look, I'm wrong sometimes too.

But less. Very big of you. I don't know. I retract my statement. I just think someone moves the goalposts heaps. Yeah. Yeah, and it's not me. I would say...

I would say... Where the goalpost is... currently play on. I would say the thing that helps me the most is most of the time I'm the one that has the computer. Yeah, that's true. I don't want the computer. It's a distraction.

I don't even want my little machine in here, but you yell not to be last episode. Well, it's because every time you don't have it, we're like, oh, yeah, just look it up. And you go, yeah, ah. Or last episode last week, presumably. Yeah. Where you got pissed off because we were looking at a photo and you couldn't see it. Yeah. I was jealous.

Yeah. Anyway, so five golden tickets dispersed across the world. Okay? Uh-huh. And Willie Wonka says it's going to get to go to five children. First of all,

that's not necessarily true. Okay? It could go to an adult. Was it set up it's going to five children or five children? Because you'll buy it out. My question being,

because his whole thing is it's bad to run a competition because again, fair enough. Because like if you're an adult, if you're like a single person who with no children and you get the golden ticket,

is part of the stipulation being like, well, you need to have a child to enter the... As far as I know, all the golden ticket meant is that you got a free tour. Okay.

of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. But the point of the whole competition, really, is so that Willie Wonka can pick an air. Yes. Okay. Which is an, this is just the craziest way. This is like how a sore, Mr. Saw would do it, okay? Where you go, I'm going to get five.

It's not even really at all how Saw works, but you go, I'm going to get five people, not random. I'm going to run them through some trials and hopefully one of them is going to be, like what would, in a world where all five children died horribly. Yes. Okay. Instead of just four. of the five children dying horribly.

And Willie Walker goes, well, that was a massively expensive failure. Good day to you. The thing is, though, it wasn't a massively expensive failure. Because, okay, so you're looking at this as one thing. Yeah. So imagine you're running this competition. Now, you've already drummed up scarcity. You all are like a froth and your chalky.

Because it's like the best chalky. They've already got a little bit of Wonka fever. And then you ramp that up to 11 to be like, man, there is a scarcity ticket. So people are buying, like, by the box. That's true. There's whole people buying, like, factories. You make a fuckload of money. And they're probably presumably either throwing away the chocolate or, like, you know,

you're not even only going to buying more boxes, right? Yeah. So I remember back in the, you know where yowie's? Yeah. Yeah. They remember you used to collect them whatever and they used to go to a place. I think it's up in Ringwood and you'd go there and you'd be like, oh, like you're trying to get the ones you don't have kind of thing.

And they would just offer the chocolate freely because though that place, where they were just buying the yowies, not for the chocolate. Yeah. Not for the chocolate. They're buying for the toy. But they're buying for the toy. So presumably, like, you know you're making chocolate. but like whatever, who gives you shit, you're selling it, it's going out the door.

So that's, you're already making so much money. You're paying the umpalumpas, nothing. Absolutely nothing. And you get, yeah, five, you know, it's like, oh yeah, five kids that come in. All of them are shit. All of them are bad. You're like, dog shit children into the factory. I know none of these are airworthy.

So I'm not even going to mention it. Yeah, I suppose. You run them to the end of the, end of the factory. You're like, there you go. Well, there you're not dead. Well, fuck it off. If I can tell from the beginning that these kids suck. shit. I'm not even going to give him trials.

I'll do it a very stock standing. Here's the tour. You don't know until under pressure. Maybe that's what trials are for. And so then you're like, well, that didn't work. All right, I'm going to wait a bit. And now I'm going to then do another competition. He does say it's this year.

So he kind of does open himself up to do it again. Yeah. But I still think, even if you're going to do it every year. Yeah. Even if you're going to do every year and you're printing, like you're printing, like you're printing. You're making hair. What a fucking idiot!

He's making cash. Great. Yeah. But for his ultimate purpose, his ultimate purpose of getting an air, this is a terrible way to do it. Yeah, but his air is also out of spite, remember? To whom? The chocolate, like, mafia or whatever? I don't know.

We're taking the Timothy Shalaman. And we take him. And we take him. That grasshopper of a man. Yeah. Because I don't, he's just tired of running the factory. And he goes, for somebody to run the factory, they need to be a lot. child, they need to have the brain of a kid

or a child like Lwanda. Yeah, because he's become, like, he's disillusioned. He's really jaded. And then he's just like, fuck it, Charlie, you fucking take that. Who gives a shit? Yeah. So you're imagining. I said good day to you. It's just whoever, I mean, I know it is whatever kid survives. But even if the kid, you know, like if, say, if Mike TV, I don't know, he dodged out of the way of the laser that was going to make him tiny. And he just was normalized and Charlie Bucket

had an aneurism and died. He'd be like, well, Mike TV, you're a piece of shit kid. It just kept burping into that fan. Yeah, he just got buzzed by the fan at the top of the fizzy lifting room. Yeah. He'd just be like, well, fuck it, dude. You're the last kid that survived. Yeah.

It's Mike TV's chocolate factory. Yeah, but also, yeah, that's also like... You signed the contract or whatever, yeah? Yeah, so what... Because this is what I wanted to get to, and I know, look, I'm... This is not me. Okay. It's not being an...

Why do you think this is a bad competition? I think it's just a sort of insane way to try and get an air. I guess in terms of making money, you're right. It is smart. Okay. Scarcity of tickets. People buy the chocolate. People are buying it in insane ways.

Fucking Vylobore. Varuka Salt's dad is like literally buying it in bulk. Right. But as a way to get an air, it's just sort of bizarre. It's like, imagine if Walt Disney while he was alive, I guess, was like, I'm just going to invite five random kids. Truly random children. To the park.

You're going to go buy a ticket to Song of the South. and five lucky children. Five lucky racist children. I'm going to come to Disneyland, and then I'm going to run through a bunch of trials, and the survivor, I'm just going to give Disneyland. So how would you, if you're a Wonka, how would you be getting an ear?

And you know, you know that it needs to be a child. Oh, it has to be a child. Well, that's the stipulation. If I'm Wonka, I would, that's insane. I'm not picking a kid. Why? Because a child, I mean. You're going to get someone with like an MBA?

Yeah, probably. Like a CEO of another company That's come in and like Zaz Lavett And absolutely just like Fuck it up completely Who gives a shit about my legacy So long as that you know

They're making money Yeah I'm made man Are you what are you trying to do here? Yeah Because he seems to be like the anti-capitalist idea Like this I'm so delusioned with it I want someone who cares about this product And he wants to think outside the box

That's not necessarily a child Yeah but also I think he's because he's jaded And whatever If they fuck it up I also don't think he cares He's just like He's sort of like being like this is a direction I want to go in.

And if they fuck it, you've seen the boy in the heron. You think the Willie Walker movie is kind of the boy in the heron? Yeah, where he's like, hey, if you can keep my legacy up, that's awesome. But if you set fire to it, trade your own shit from the ashes. But if he thought like that, he wouldn't do trials. If he thought like that, he'd just pick a kid at random.

What were the trials exactly? In terms of how were the trials? I don't know, you keep saying trials, but were they trials or was it just like industrialized? accidents. Well, I guess if you think about it in terms of trials. I would hate to flip-flop here. Yeah, yeah.

But in both of the book and the original movie, he does say this was the, the tour was actually secret trial. Which is really funny when it's like, Augustus Klupp just falls in. Yeah. What's the trial? Like, please tell me. Like, how was it the trial? I guess the trial's meant to be.

Tell me, please, exactly. How will this help me run a factory? Well, don't fall in the river. No, no, no, no. Listen to instructions. Not to. Yeah. Because none of it, because the thing is, you don't need to run the, whoever the child is that wins.

Yeah. It's not to run the factory. The umpalumpas have that. Okay. Like, you don't need to, like, Willie Wonka's not running the factory. Should have given to the senior umpollpa anyway. I don't think that's true. Willie Wonka makes the big decisions.

Yeah, that's the thing. He makes a decision. He doesn't run the factory. Yeah, but, okay. I suppose he's not, he's not boots in the ground. Yeah. Yeah, but also, like, he's not like fucking being like, oh, I'm going to turn this crank and, you know. Yeah, that's what I mean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not cleaning the chocolate river. No. Of boy corpses. So, yeah. Okay, yeah. But, like, so you basically, he wants the trial there. Yeah.

He wants, he, look, the trials are allegedly to find a child that is pure of heart, but also great imagination. Okay. All right. So great. We are at, we are at the chocolate river. This is it. I'm testing you all. So, well, what Willie Walker says is he goes, you can eat everything here.

Oh, no. Except don't eat, don't drink the river. Greed. Greed. But that's also not really greed. That's like not listening to instructions. Yeah, but it's also like... Know your limits?

It's actually like the child is like disobedient. He's not yours. Yeah, disobedience. Yeah, he's not really greedy. Yeah, it's disobedient. But disobedient could be wonka. You're thinking outside the box. You give me a rule that I want to smash immediately.

Maybe that's good. Yeah, well, maybe it's good. Maybe sometimes you drown in a fucking chocolate room. Yeah. Violet Beauregard is also disobedient. Yeah. I think there are, I think, every single. Don't eat poison.

Well, I want to try this candy. Yeah. And he goes, it's not ready. You need to give it a second. Well, how do you know it's not? Because I'm fucking making. Because I'm really fucking walking. Did he know that was going to happen?

Yeah. Did you try it on a, like, umpollumpur first? Yeah, there's a popped umpa lumpo somewhere in the factory, guaranteed. Yeah. They'd give it to rats first. Like, what happened? Exactly, how do animal testing at that? Like chocolate factory.

I mean, like, a rat just one is. Varuka Salt. Yeah, she was a bad egg. I guess they're all, like, all of the, the trials are just simply, hey, we're going to show you cool shit, but you've got to do not disobey me, Willie Wonka, because I'm looking for an air who, because like, presumably, hey, you decide on me an air, you're probably going to spend some time with them, although at the end of this, maybe not. You just get into a, oh no, no. The glass elevator. Willie Wonka is in the glass elevator with them. Yeah, yeah.

It's not like he's just like, get in here. Bye-bye. Yeah, Baruka Salts is really funny Because I don't even think she disobeys anything he says She just sings a lovely song Her awesome song about a bean feast Yeah Steps on the wrong thing and falls

Yeah, a lot of it is just like wrong place, wrong time Yeah And then Mike TV She's chasing the squirrels That's in the in the Michael Jackson one Yeah In the Johnny Depp one In the other one she just is like

Dancing around the She just steps on the wrapping in the chocolate egg room And then she steps on it And then the squirrels or like whatever hits it. Oh, bad egg. Yeah. It says she's a bad egg. That's... Shouldn't sort kids out like eggs.

The book she's also chasing the squirrel. Yeah, I agree, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Kids aren't eggs. Kids aren't eggs. Wonka? Yeah. Kids aren't egg. What's that machine even fucking measuring, really? Eggs.

Fives? Yeah. Run to the core. I mean, look... Where's children are? Yeah, I agree, dude. Children... It's a certain age? Oh, terrible vibes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 25. Yeah.

Yeah. Variety that, people are like, oh, there's no morality or whatever. No, it's like, no, no, they have morality. It's bad. It's bad. Morality. They're evil. Children are terrible.

They get darkness in their salt. They're born evil and they, as with every breath they take, some of the evil comes out. I was that at a, like, a farm, like, a close by on the weekend. And, like, at the same time, there was, like, I guess a birthday party of, like, like, young kids. And it was, it was the, like, the closest I've ever been to, like, ages back. Dusha talking about, like, using children to, like, have a he hoax up a bus and just, like, a bunch of children to start screaming. It was the closest I've come to experiencing that in real life.

It was kind of like the end of weapons. It's like children are just screaming, running around, yelling at, like, at some sort of alpaca. Oh, that's awesome. And you're like, guys, working, wait, where did you say this was? It was like a farmhouse. Yeah, yeah. Working at a petting zoo, the amount of times a day you're going to say,

imagine a kid, do not, don't do that. Yeah, dude. Grabbing animals' tails, yanking them. And dicks? And dicks. Yeah, probably. Probably, dude. Like that famous clip from Australia's naughtiest home videos that got the show pulled

mid-broadcast from the air. Yeah, dude. Because it was a baby playing with kangaroos nuts. Damn, dude. And rest in peace. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so kids are evil, right?

He has a really good song. Check out I'm a punk by Doug Mulroy. That's Pummy the Netstar's recommendation of the week. It's like a, you know, like it's so rare for someone to write a joke song that's actually sick. Yeah, that is true. And also, it's basically the song, Arshole, but 10 years earlier and actually a punk song. Damn, dude. Yeah.

What genre is that song? Leary. I don't know, whatever Bill Hicks is. Yeah. Yeah, I'm reigniting a beef from. Before I was born. Nice. Because really the test that Willy Wonka does in those kids,

what actually happens to the kid is like, it's not like they are tested for their failure and then they are found wanting. It's more like they die, but it's good because they had a sin. Like that sin mostly being gluttoned. Well, I suppose it's meant to be like Augustus Gloop is greedy, so he dies rightfully so.

Yes. Varucas Salt is an enormous. She dies. Sorry, Vyla Borgad is annoying. Veruca Salt is spoiled. Mike TV love TV too much. Sloth, I guess, I'd say. But he, because, like, what happens to him?

I guess, you know, Viracus like a wrath, I guess. I suppose. She's just, she says she wants a bean feast, you know? She wants to lock it all up in her pocket. It's a her bar of chocolate. But, uh, because Mike TV, Mike TV, Willie Wonka goes, hey, check it out. I can put a chocolate bar in this

gigantic, this is also stupid on Willie Wonka. pod, but that's fine. It's experimental prototype. He goes, I put this giant bar of chocolate in this device and then we send it to a TV. And then somebody can take it out of the TV Wonka Magic. Yeah. And then... Why is that a bad idea? Well, just

in the movie, it's a gigantic bar of chocolate that gets shrunk down to a tiny bar of chocolate. The TV's a tiny... Yeah, but it's just like a waste of chocolate. I guess it's what I... You can re-replicate it over and over again because you're sending out the signal. Yeah. I think that... Doesn't the big bar chocolate disappear? What goes into the... It's a

sending it via... I suppose it's... In every TV. It's in every TV, so it's... But anyway, my point is... Genius. Okay. You guys come for Wonka for his genius ideas.

Yeah, I am coming for Wonka, dude. I'm sick of him. Well, I'm still, like, trying to figure out what about this competition is about. I think I've been pretty clear. So, yeah, sorry. So, yeah, so, yeah, so, yeah, so, yeah, he goes, he gets zapped.

Yeah. And then he gets, he's tiny now. Yeah. But I don't know what he did wrong. Yeah. Other than, in fact, most of the Wonka children like Augustus Gloop

he was thinking outside he's going to hey saying you can't you're saying I can't do this you're restricting me well I'm gonna I'm gonna do it anyway exactly I want to have lots of imagination exactly I'm here

I love chocolate so much I have the powerful love of chocolate these other kids clearly lack and I'll fucking die I'll be a corpse in a tube you say not to do something for chocolate I'm doing the thing for chocolate that's how much I love chocolate

Violet Beauregard, she's willing to fucking, she's like, I know this is untested. But you've got to push the boundaries if you want to fucking, you know, experiment, use your imagination. Exactly. She gets swells up to the size of the fucking... She's the person in any sort of like zombie outbreak thing

or any sort of like anywhere where there's some sort of disease there. She's like this scientist person working on the queue of being like, she's injecting herself. Exactly, she's like, I tested on me. She's Mrs. Tested on me. Yeah. Varouca salt, yeah, I guess. She's a bad egg.

She's a bad egg. But Mike TV, another innovator. Exactly. And also, what I like about Mike TV, again, not sure if it was in the original, but definitely in the Johnny Depp one. He was like, I don't even care for chocolate. And he was quite smart as well. And he was a clever boy.

He was like, oh, yeah, I figured out the, you know, the equation to get the, like, I bought, you know, like, the smallest amount of basically chocolates because I knew what was going to be. Very clever. Exactly. And he's like, he's a little boy. And then when Willie Walker goes, here's my technology. He goes, if you tried people, Willie Walker says, well, we don't know what the risk.

son. Once again, he's like, put me in there. What does Charlie Bucket do? What does he do that's good? Yeah. In the whole movie. He drinks, he buys one bar of chocolate and then he... He's poor. He drinks... He drinks a fizzy lifting drink when he's told not to it.

When his grandfather pulls him to. In the book, it takes him four bars of chocolate to find it. That's funny. He gets one for his birthday, loses. That's right. In the film, he does, like, he goes, oh. Oh, yeah. He does buy a couple.

Yeah, he gets one for Grandpa Joe. Grandpa Joe gives him secret savings to buy another one Nothing Nothing And then he gets maybe beat up by kids But they drop money That's okay Cool

And that's not always Yeah yeah yeah That's interesting You lose my Beating up for your money And they go buy the chocolate And then they win Oh yeah damn

But then Charlie Buck gets the one who's left Not because he's in my opinion A Special kid Yeah He just didn't do anything. Yeah.

I mean, he also, he did, he did the thing that he didn't want, which was he basically, he disobeyed him. He disobeyed,

and that was part of a contract. He says, Good day to you. Yeah, exactly. And then he goes, hey, but also, fucking,

fucking guess what, dude. You know what happened to the boy who got everything you wanted? He lived happily ever after. Getting the fucking lift.

Let's fucking go into space, kid. Oh, fuck you know. Who gives his shit? Yeah. But like,

yeah, again, all the others, again, they all disobeyed, They all did something well. If anything, Charlie is... He's more easy to be led astray, especially by his own...

Exactly. His own keen, as it were. Every other kid, fucking Augustus Gloop, his mom comes over and goes, Augustus, stop he did you chocolate? Yeah. You know? And he's like, shut up, mom.

I'm gonna die for chocolate. I want to be a corpse in a tube. Exactly. You know? Violet Borogod's dad says, oh, are you sure you should be doing that, Violet? Shut up, dad. I'm a plum now.

Yeah. All the other ones are. very disobedient towards their own, like, the parental figures. Whereas, yeah, Charlie is so obedient. Yeah. He's even very, you know, also he's a rule follower. Yeah, exactly, dude. Although, maybe this is what Wonka needs.

Okay. Maybe Wongker is taking so many shortcuts. And maybe he's on the verge of a lawsuit. Yeah. Would be my, like, you know, a little head can of air. Oh, absolutely. Then he goes, there's never any element of the competition where he was looking for an air. He just goes, there's a lot of dead kids.

He needs a fall guy that'll be like, you know, well, you are the one in charge. Like, legally, it's your fault. It's your responsibility. But it is very funny to imagine to being like, Mr. Wonka, four children, dad at your factory on your infamous Wonka tour, and he goes, well, it's not my factor anymore. It's not, no. That was actually... You take the ending where all the children are safe at the end as non-canon.

In my canon, in the Jackson cut, the corpses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, if you look at, well, you know, the court you're on or whatever, if you look at the particular contract, it's actually the day that Charlie took over, this day, all those happened. It's crazy. So, I don't know what happened there. I'm not culpable.

And they go, that's not how that works. The original version of the book implies that not only is this not the first time he's done this, which plays into the fact that it's a thing. But also that the children are dead. That, yeah. And also, because it was originally 10 winners, not five. Okay. What happens to the other five?

Oh, like, they just, like, is in, like, Codd from the, one of them's name is, like, Miranda Grop. Whoa. I wouldn't give my kid that name. Well, you don't get, if that's your surname, if you're Joel Grop. That's, yeah, Joe Grop, but Miranda Grope, that's weird. That's not a good name. Yeah. Reminds me of a mere.

to hug and kiss, but more intense. Miranda Gropa, Miranda Gropa kiss. But yeah, anyway, it's just, it's like, if Charlie hadn't worked out, and clearly in the past, it hasn't worked out either. Yeah. This is just not an effective way to get an ear. It's just, it's bizarre.

I don't know why he did this. Yeah, you've got to look at it as in this is not the first iteration, which maybe it isn't. This is like, this is the last iteration that we just happened to see. It's that kind of thing to be like, I'm going to flip it, like, you know, this coin, and it's going to land heads a hundred times in a row. Yeah.

And you end up just doing it and like you only see that one bit where someone just flips it a hundred times. You're not seeing, you know, there's thousands and thousands of other times where they just fucked up, right? You're only seeing a small portion. Yeah. Maybe this is the same thing. We're seeing the very small time, like the only time where he's actually found the air. Yeah. So you've got to look at this to be like, okay, he's looking for an air.

The competition was all about finding an air. What is it that Charlie did that was different to everyone else that it was like, it's you, kid? I don't know. When they go into the fucking room through the chocolate forest He just sort of quietly eats some chocolate He just kind of walks around and looks at stuff In the other areas of the fucking chocolate factory

The fizzy lifting drink is really the only thing he does That's of note And then That's it Yeah Then I guess at the end he goes hey um Because what happens he says he signs the contract Where he's like you eat it

You sign this whole thing Which means if you taste any of the things You're fucking you're done You're done You did actually I saw you're done And does he have a bit of a cry? Like, how does it go from, like, get the fuck out of my office to, there you go? They leave.

And then I think maybe Grandpa Joe comes back and he's like, you're a piece of shit, Mr. Walker. And then Willie Walker goes, hey, you know what? You're right. I am a piece of shit. Here's the keys to the factor. My office is half. That's pretty funny. I got a half desk.

Isn't that a lot? I'm pissed on my pants every day at work. It's annoying. It's hard to sit on and shit, but it's good for chuckle. Just, I know that, like, this is a thing we'd be. move pastures before, but like, do you want to hear some of the names that were cut? Yeah. So, Mike TV had a different name originally.

Herpes Trout. Whoa. That's an awesome name. Don't call your kid herpes. That's really cool. It was Wilbur Rice. Marvin Prune. Horander Grope.

Yeah. Augustus Pottle was the original name of Augustus Gloop. Okay. Birdy upside down. Terence Roper. Florence Crump. Okay. Now, a really good stuff, Roaldale.

A lot of these are names, though, except for herpes. Nobody's named herpes in this life. Herpes is not a name. Clarence is a name. Yeah, I don't know if Marvin Prune counts as a name. Oh, Marvin's a name. Marvin's a name. Prune, I don't know.

They famously shot Marvin in the face. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if prune's a very common surname. Is it? I'm sorry, I don't know if it's a common surname. Oh, okay, I was going to feel it out there. You know some prunes out there? Jackie Prune?

Oh, gosh. Come on. Yeah. So I don't, once again, the other names are they are first names and they are names. Yeah. Herpes. Herpes, though. Herpes are the name of herpes?

That's true. Is herpes named off for a guy? The first person to fight, like, to get herpes, who got herpes, was like, well, I'm going to name it after me. Yeah. Every time anyone gets herpes, they're going to think of me, Herpes Jones. I really liked it by getting to Google this. He's just looked up herpes. How does the name herpes become herpes?

It's a virus. It's the herpes. virus. Yeah. Someone clearly named the herpes talking through it. Herpes is not a person's name but the name for an infection. Okay. Interesting, dude. I feel like I knew that. Someone's going crazy on your doorbell.

Someone's trying to get in, dude. No, we've got just delivery. They're just like, just come on, come on, come on. I'm getting a delivery today I'm excited about. Some fucked up socks. Yeah, dude. What's fucked up about them? Pre-hold? They're two socks, yeah. No, they're two socks in one. So they're for hiking

And the inner sock is toe socks And then the outside sock is normal socks I'm glad that you have enough shame To be like I'm not wearing toes socks Yeah I'm gonna hide the top socks Inside normal socks Is What's your question

My question What's a benefit? Yeah Is it like toasty with the Toasties are really good Because they stop blisters from forming Between your toes Clever

Because your toes aren't robbing It's like anti-to-chafing Yeah exactly Okay. And then... And the other sock is there to hide the shame. Yeah, I guess so. I don't know what it's there for.

Well, it's good to wear two socks when you're hiking, allegedly. I don't know why. To stop the blisters. Yeah, I guess so. It just stops your shoe rubbing on your foot. Yeah, exactly. So, hey, I'm excited for my socks. Toe and regular.

Yeah, that's awesome. But yeah, toe socks I could never, I would never wear, obviously, revealed. That would be humiliating. Mm-hmm. You know, I don't want anybody... If you got shoe dacked. Standing on the back of the people's shoes as they're walking. Go shoe dacked.

Shoe dacked. Hide your shave. Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, go, fuck. This guy's an idiot. Someone does that. Somehow on my feet, I have, like, a pair of, like, tidy, witty undies on these. Oh, no, my underwear.

Like, tiny waddy's a bit stained. Somehow. Yeah. Ew. How did that happen? Um, piss stains. It's normal. Yeah, there's a piss stains.

It just happens. Yeah, they're on your feet, dude. I don't know. Yeah, and I'm getting caught. Obviously, do you? Oh, I'm going to calm. That's a big day for me at the supermarket. It's been revealed.

I've revealed that I'm wearing underwear on my feet instead of socks. And then the humiliation makes you come. And I'm holding two handfuls of groceries. And I start waddling to the car. Like my pants are down, even though they're not. So getting back to Wonka. Yeah. So you're annoyed with his running a competition.

Are you in the competition or is this just a bad way to pick an air? I suppose maybe the phrasing could have been better. Because you're right. I suppose if the point of the... I guess in my mind, to my eyes, the point of the competition was to get in here. But you're right, gentlemen. There are more points than just that.

Well, ultimately... I mean, fat stacks. Yeah. Because I guess he's got a lot of fat stacks. Also, I think that it's... Now, it's funny that you've brought this to us today because I know what the moment you've been watching our shitload of reality television.

Yes, I have been watching maths. You're married at first said. I'm not really been enjoying it, but circumstances outside my control. I'm now watching maths, dude. And like the Bachelor, Bachelorette, they're looking for love. Yeah. Now you'll realize that competition happens multiple times. Is it a bad contest?

Well, no, but that's got a different function. If the farmer wants a wife. Who are you here to say this is bad? I guess it's not the same farmer every scene. And if people, if they were televising Wongers... But if they don't get married, is it a bad competition? No.

But if they would tell up at the point of that show... So if a kid survives the factory tour and isn't the air, is that a bad competition or is it just like, well, it wasn't the right fit? Wasn't the right fit, which is why I'm like... If herpes doesn't get anything, herpes trout or whatever. Herpes trout doesn't get it.

A kid that fucks fish presumably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Willie Walker says, this is the fish room. Now, remember children, don't fuck. the fish umba lumpa doopi do herpes got sucked off by a fish too oh my um hey um umpulopoma 39 can i speak to you privately you also get sucked off like okay umpulpa 39 i got a couple questions one that was a really uh i don't know if you've been doing but like some answers for you okay well it's a bit it's a bit late now because i was gonna say you where is you first of all is everything okay you

You're not displaying your normal schwa-a-vi. I remember when you started here, you were very happy. You're depressed. And secondly, if this is a touchier subject, it's a little more delicate. But in your song, I noticed you said, too, as though herpes, obviously we didn't want him to fuck any of the fish. But the, so I was just wondering if the first person to fuck the fish, who would that be? Um-pa lumpa-dupid-ee-li.

The first guy to fuck the fish was me. Okay. Okay, just what I thought. Just what I thought. You understand this is you've had many warnings prior to this. We're going to put you in a performance plan because you can't be fucking the fish. Pal, you can't be fucking the fish. I'm sick of having this conversation with you.

It's bad for the tourists. People say, who are these chered? And I have to say they're umpalupas. They're from Lumpurland. They don't normally fuck the fish. And I'm just sick out of the conversation. And he was like, I'm going to get involved. Is it all the fish are for a fucker?

No, no, no, no. You see the problems that happen? Umpulpa number 33. I'm not going to lie and be like, that's just what they do in umpulumpa land. They're all like this is normal for them. They do. You guys go ahead. I'm going to have a word with umpulupa number 33.

I'm, mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Moodapur and umpulumpur 30. He's going to fuck the fish again. He can just get to imagine the umpulumpur just waiting for it to be told not to fuck the fish and just bobbing up and down.

He's muttering on his. He's muttering on his. Dumpo do putty dish I'm gonna fuck another fish Sir, what Why is there a fish Chocolate factory

I'm really horny for the fish Shut up, kid for a fucking second I'm gonna Sheriff is swearing I just get this umpola Okay He's a bad fit I think

Excuse me sir Why do you have fish At your chocolate factory I'll get to that I'm gonna explain that with the song But obviously we all saw Op. 4 for 33 fucking the fish

But there's just no fish in chocolates here Yeah, I know It's... Lumpa dupitylish Nothing feels bad Than getting sucked off by our fish Okay Oh, is that true, sir?

No, it's not true Let's move on to the next room Shall we? Let's move on to the next room Wonka, my child has a fish on his genital Yes And I feel that the fish have d-s-l

D-SL It's not Anyway, we're moving on, okay? But leave your kid behind because I've got to have one at the end for some reason. So this kid can stay here. Leave your kid in the fish suckoff room. I mean, the fish, just the fish room.

Just the fished school. Well, yeah, because of that guy. Stop saying it, buddy. Sorry to raise my voice. Okay? This really is the place to be. gotta stop putting you in this department. It's crazy we let you back in.

You're gonna behave yourself? Yes. He's really good at his job. He's really good in the fish room. Umpah, lumpa, doopidi. Oh, no. He doesn't even sing right. He doesn't even know how to say, he's singing wrong and he's fucking all the fish.

But I'm scared to put him in any department with food that's going to go out to people that are going to eat it. Because I don't know what he's going to do to it, okay? I don't have to do a factory recall. because some umpulipa cumbed in all the chocolate. And why is there a fish room? Because I don't fucking know. It's whimsical. Isn't it whimsical?

Well, no one he keeps getting sucked off by them. That's why. It's not, I don't want it to fuck the fish, kid. You think that's good for me? You think I'm happy when I see that? Seems like you're happy with it since you haven't shut down the room. Call it the suck off? I don't call it that.

You did before. I accidentally referred to it like that. It was a slip of the tongue because he's fucking. a fish. So it's on my mind. Don't swear in front my child. Sir, can I just say shut the fuck up? I'm trying to run a fucking competition.

I'm at my wits, and to make me call security. And I'd fire him, but I don't know where else he's going to go, like these Lumpeland guys, you know. They struggle to integrate into normal society because they sing everything in their fucking orange.

Right, orange. They're bright orange. They look like clown babies. Sorry if that's racist. Clowns. Clown like fuck the pumpkin. Yeah, they kind of look like if clowns fuck the pumpkin.

We can't. No. You can't. Hey, this year, the competition's over. And no one's my air. And I get over how I was shut down for 30 years. I'm doing it again. I think it was three.

Well, this time was 30. Okay. Chocolate's over. No one gets chocolate. What are you going about they eating Slugworth's fucking shit candy, okay? Enjoy that. Jesus Christ. Isn't he your employee?

Isn't he your employee? Slugworth. I don't fucking know, dude. How do these kids know everything about the inner workings of my business? Well, here's another scenario. Again, like I said, sure, he's making bank, that's good for him. But in terms of picking an air, what if all five kids are good? What does he do?

He's given to all five? He probably just picks one. Yeah, or then it's like, well, I've got to do more rigorous testing. Or it'll actually be like, okay, hey, whoever does this, like wins the competition, will whoever does these things, we'll do the, get the keys to this fortune. But, you know, what he should be doing? I think I've said this before it. It's just like, you look at all the people that you have there.

And you're like, well, what are the benefits there? And you kind of like, you have to go, like, well, this person might be actually very good at running the business in terms of, like, you know, the bean counting. Yeah. This one might be actually very good at the imagination of, like, different chocolates. And this one might be very good at being a PR. You might, if you're wanting to do that, you could look at these as like, all right. Because the way I see it, see it, is that you have Wonka running the factory, or like the CEO, basically, owner of it all, chucking his face on all the chocolate.

You then have the oompa-lumpus who are doing everything else. Yeah. There is no other guy. There's no humans, right? Other than allegedly Slugworth, but I don't know what he does within the factor. No, he's just there to, I don't know, entice children. to sell their secrets. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's another test. Yeah. He's kind of the only real test that the children receive, to be honest. Yeah. Yeah, like, the others aren't tests.

They're just kids disobeying orders. Slugworth being like, hey, give me the everlasting gobstopper. You know, that's, and the kids deciding, yeah or nay,

that's a test, you know? But otherwise, is that how Charlie gives something? Because he's like, fuck off Slugworth. No, because a lot of the kids do that.

They say, yeah, fuck you, Slugworth, I'm not. I would. I wouldn't give anything to a guy called Slugworth. Yeah, dude. And I think it's fucked up that in that world,

and I probably said this before, but he has a candy, like he's a candy manufacturer and he didn't change his name. Like, if I saw Slugworth's candy, I'm not eating that. There's got to be slugs in it. If your name's Jackson Slugworth

and you're making chocolate, what are you naming it? Cadbury. Yeah, Jackson, what's the most sweet sounding bug? Bug. Yeah, Jackson. Why have you got to bug?

Well, because I'm, you know, Slug, I'm trying to... First of all, one, Slug. Slug, not a bug. What are you sort of bug? Slug is not a bug. I think the problem with bugs is nothing's a bug. Yeah, it's an insect or a bug.

Bugs are not a thing. It's just like a general category. What? Fish aren't bugs. No, there's no such thing as a fish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, say things there's no such thing as a bug. Yeah.

Did we get paid for that? Adred just a... Yeah. I hope so. But yeah, there's no bugs on... Is the slug a bug? Is the slug a bug? But I think a slug could be a bug.

Slug's not insects. I was right. I got really. Yeah, slugs, but slugs could be bugs. Because bugs aren't anything. Bugs aren't real. Adam Friedler's bug. So slugs could be bugs.

Bugs could be bugs if you want to be... What? Yeah. It's a slug. It's a mollusk. Some sort of gross thing. Yeah, it's a fucking... It's like a mollusk, dude, yeah.

Ocean Man, that's on the mollusk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Very nice. Very nice. And snails also mollusk, so to imagine. Yeah, it was a mollusk.

mollusk. I don't know why I forgot about slug. Molusk is great. Mollusk is an awesome name. You'd be a mollusk if you weren't a guy. Maybe I'd be Jackson, mollusk's worth. Mollusk's chocolate sounds fancy. Yeah, it does. But chocolate shells, I can't remember the name of the company. In his tree or it's like, he's...

Yeah, it's like, hey, pay $17 for this... Top dollar for these delicious... Fuck-ass chocolate. Well, wait, when you say if I wasn't a guy, I'd be a mollusk? Do you mean, like, in the, say, the wheel of samsara? Yeah. When I get reincarnated, like, you know, if I was not a man. I wouldn't say if you, like, before this, you're a mollusk.

And after this, you will be a mollusk. This was a test of being a man. See how I do? You're a man once every 5 to 10,000 years. I don't mollusk the rest. They go, okay, you know mollusk is the lowest, buddy. And you've not done anything good as a mollusk to get you up that ladder. But maybe it's the form.

Yeah. So we'll make you a man and see if you do something with it. Back to mollusk. He's fucking it up. He lives. a mollusk life but as a man. And then I'm back and I'm on a leaf and I'm inching along it with my wet belly and I go, thank God.

This I get, dude, you know? This is nice. It's good to be wet. Eat leaf litter. Yeah. I don't know what else a mollusk really wants. A mate sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mostly it's being wet. Be slimy. Yeah. Oh yeah. Damn. That is good.

Have a shell. Maybe not have a shell. I think if I was going to be a mollusk, I'd want to be a slug, really. I want a shell. I don't like that a snail's guts are in its shell. Why? It grosses me out. I'd like my guts inside.

But they are inside. That shell's part of me. Yeah. That's my shell. The shell is my skin. It's just hard. Here's the thing. I reckon it secretly feels good for a snail to tear their shell off.

A bit refreshing, got a breeze on it. Yeah. Yeah, they go, oh, I like how there's probably a moment we're getting scalped feels awesome. Oh, finally. My brain's getting some fresh. When you get the first cool breeze over the top of your scalped head, you go, wow, actually that's really nice. Ah!

That's really nice. I'm in immense pain. Oh, fuck, I forgot. I was just cool. I finally cooled down to the max. It's fucked up you could get scalped and then be fine. That's true. You can find photos of old-timey, like, guys from the Wild West.

scalps and then find they just got like a little bit of less head yeah that's crazy dude that's crazy dude wear a hat that's what would be my recommendation

people get a hole jill in your head and you're fine yeah exactly people still get scalped yeah yes yeah I know factory workers who don't tie up their hair yes that's true

stick the head in the machine go what's going on in here drop a candy down in the machine yeah I better reach in with my head don't turn it off I will be quick. I'm going to get it with my mouth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our accidents, I think. Yeah, that's true. Scalping does happen, but less intentionally. Yeah, that's... Yeah, no, that's true. Back in the day, people scalped each other. Now, machines scalp us.

That's so sad. Industrialization. Machines have stolen our jobs. Yeah, man. What's AI going to scalp? Yeah, exactly, man. I guess it's scalps from artists. Yeah, that's true.

That's kind of close. That's kind of close. Well, if you made a robot that was a good... powered by an AI. The scalping machine. Or like your butler robot scalped you in your sleep. You know, my butler robot, he's a my butler, but he's also designed perfectly to scalp me while I'm sleeping. He's going to switch on the back from butler to the guy who's going to scalp you and you accidentally knock it while you're like turning, shifting past him in the corridor.

Yeah. He stands up straight. What's wrong butler, but nothing, sir. Okay. I'm going to go to bed. What are you doing in my door, Butler? but it's three in the morning. Nothing, sir.

Okay, I'm going to go back to sleep. Ah! Ooh, so crazy. Oh, that's really nice. My window open. And then you're on the phone to the company the next day. Hi, can I buy a hat? Hi, do you sell hats?

I remember when I signed the contract, they said that if this happened is my fault, that's fine. But do you sell hats so I can cover up my scalped head? And I'll try want to turn my butler back to bottle mode. Yeah, no. Oh, a simple switch. Oh, it's a simple. Well, that's easy. You know, I'm just going to get close to him while holding a knife.

How much for a heart? 30 bucks. Yeah. That's pretty good. I just say my credit card over the phone. We just threw it over the phone. Okay, that's sweet. 2, six, eight one. My buttless scalped me is what it says on the top.

I always hope I'm going to be a bit more. I should have asked. Okay. Oh, well, that's a bit embarrassing. It's true. What happened. Nice hat. The fans are going to know.

Did you guess? Yeah, okay. My buttless scalped me. Yeah, we know. He's at home with a knife and I can't get close at home. to turn him off. I'm very worried now because he's already done it. I don't know what he's going to do again.

He might have a taste for scalp. I got less head now. He must get the brain. He might double scalp me. It's like a layer of skull. I've trapped him in my poetry at the moment. I can chair up against it. He just keeps saying, sir, your scalp nigs tending, too. I need to take in your scalp, sir. It's gotten

too big. No. Wrong. I'll get milk for breakfast myself, actually. I'll make my own cereal. That's funny that I was getting my butler robot to make me cereal. What a waste. No, wrong. Very panicky.

No, butler. Wrong, butler rot. No wrong. Please put down the night. No, sir. Come into the pantry with me. No, I'm not going to do that. There's plenty of cereal in a sir.

No. I get serial out here. I'm okay. Not as good as this. Serial, sir. Sir, let me out, sir. I need to do your laundry. I'll do myself.

It's okay, but what I got this. I was gonna call a guy for your company to come and get him out. Spray it with a gas. Just quickly turning off. Yeah, that happens to the newer models. Yeah. We'll spray up with the gas and get to your new one. That's right.

You fall down. Don't worry. It's like the switch. Try to keep knives away from it. Yeah, you got to make sure you just really avoid that switch on the back there. It's just... Is there a less obvious place you guys? could put it? No.

Because you want to know they've hit it. That's a good point. They need a good scalp and... Yeah, some of our customers wanted it to happen. You would be surprised. Why would you have the switch otherwise? Stupid question on my point.

I'm gonna call the other dude. He was in tears. Yeah, okay. He knocked it into bottle. He was like, how do I switch it back? His head was getting so hot. I was going to say, how scalped was he? It's extremely, sir.

It's tiny head. He was basically getting peeled like an apple. He cooled me up in tears. He was like, I couldn't eat. I was wanting to make my own cereal and the bottle didn't for me. My head's flat on top now. And I could get flat on. It takes all sorts, I suppose.

Well, thank you for your help with mine. I'll try and avoid that switch. Good luck, good luck. Yeah, because I don't, you know, I don't. Do you sell like gas? Just in case. Oh, I need to call you? Okay, it's a proprietary gas.

Yeah. I suppose that makes sense. That's supposed that makes sense. Can I, right, you got any other hats in there? I'm probably going to need more. Oh, no, I got to do that over the phone. You're going to do it over the phone. Sure.

The other hats we got is I gassed my butler. Oh, okay. But obviously, because I can't buy the gas, that's got to be for you guys. Yeah, that's the work hat, see? I see. I gas your butler. We gas your butler. The other one says flat head guarantee.

That's for the people who want the scalping. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, well, and how long... Guarantee one? Yeah, I'll grab one, because I just need another hat. And how long till the butler wakes up or... And how will I know he's not on scalping mode?

Well, you'll be able to tell from the switch. Right. And if you're like, you know, if he does more butler-eating activities than scalping activity. If he starts making lunch, then he's Butler mode. And if he scalps you a second time, then he's still in scalping. Yeah, you see. Can I get your name so that if he scalps me again, I can call, I can ask for you. Here's my card.

Mon. very much, Mon. Mon. Okay. Just, thank God. No, so. Mon. No, no number.

Come on. How will this help? Oh, he's left. Oh, he's gone. But you've just gone literally to my next door neighbor. Just go and do exactly the same thing. Yeah. My neighbor there with his hat on.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the bottle of pot for you. Hey. I got some breeze, though. The breeze's nice for a second. And then the immense. The MX pain. I could have done without.

But the breeze for a moment, pow. I was finally cold. Yeah, okay. You see a barbecue on Saturday?

Yeah. Make sure you bring your bottle of a bottle of making. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of scalps there. A lot of scalps,

we don't want that. We don't want that. We don't want him with burgers. Yeah, all right. The barbecue bought. Yeah, see it at the barbecue.

See it at the barbecue. Then I go back is that terrified. Yeah. Um, so yeah, I just think, like, Willie Wonka, the competition's not a bad idea. I can understand what you might think that's a bad way to pick your air.

But I don't think he's bad at competitions. I think he actually nailed the competition. Like, the contest caught on so much that caused a worldwide frenzy. Yeah. His fucking stock owners would be jacking their dicks off on Wall Street. He's made a lot of money. That's true. Where he's like, you know what?

I was wanting an air to keep this going, but I could probably shut down now. Yeah. Because, again, who's he paying? Yeah, he's not paying the oomper's. No. He pays them in chocolate, I'm feeling it's probably like, there's probably shipping. Yeah. Taxes maybe, probably not. But, you know, I'm surely the Lumpur-Lumpers are like a tax write-off.

Yeah, I'm paying my workers. Yeah, absolutely. Well, yeah, they're there from Lumpurland because he's imported them or he's brought them from Lumpurland because there was pernicious canids or whatever, eating them there. So it's like an active charity. Life debt, I guess. Yeah, exactly. So he's not paying them shit. He's making heaps of money.

I suppose you're right. As a competition, it's great. as a way to pick an air. Bad. It just seems like it's going to take a lot. Well, yeah, it's going to take a long time. Yeah. Until you find a kid.

And then when you do find a kid, you know, like no kid. Also, what if you get an adult? What if you get an adult who comes in? Is Willie Wonka immediately going to be like, hey, children was river. Yeah, I only want children. And you go, what the fuck, one can you say? No, to take over the company when I, because I don't want to do it anymore.

Oh, you can't do that legally, I don't think. Let me just pull up this database real quick. Search for Willie Wonka. Wonka. Getting a lot of hits here, Willie. Yeah, that a better. William. William Wonka. William Wonka.

William Wonka Rillo is your real name is. William Wonkarillo. So, do much finance work in New York City? It's just a coincidence. What is like the party, hey? William. William! Like, it could also just be, because he's making bank and making a lot of money.

This could just be how he entertains his. Sure. He's doing a bit of a laugh. He's having a fun with it. I guess if he's like, look, here's a competition. And I'll do a factory tour. That's good for publicity. And maybe there'll be the one in a million kid.

Maybe the kid that just reminds him of like, you know, him. Yeah. Maybe it's just like, you know, I had a piece of shit dentist dad or whatever it was. Yeah. Sure. Let's give him a, let's give Wonka a tragic backstory. Yeah. And then, yeah, it's just like, oh, this kid reminds me.

Wonka does have a tragic backstory in his back story. backstory is that he can't read. That's right. That's true. He's illiterate. That's so funny. That's really funny. That's like a riff we would have come up with.

Yeah. He doesn't know the secret ingredient of chocolate because he can't read. Love though. Yeah. It's sharing it. Does that mean in the movie Wonka? He's making dog shit chocolate because he doesn't know what the secret ingredient is? No.

Okay. I think his chocolate is really good because the secret ingredient is bullshit. Oh, okay. It's like sharing it. The best thing about chocolate is sharing it with others. That's not true. I disagree with the thesis of that movie. Dude, you don't like sharing anything with anyone.

That's true. You're the most like only child. not only child I've ever met in my life. Despite having a brother three years younger than me, I am like an only child. Sharing stinks, dude. What's good about it? That's mine. Give it to me.

You're a mix between like an only child and like the runt of a litter. Yeah. Because anytime you get given food, you've got to eat it so fast. Kind of like you're fearful of like a bigger person coming and taking it. And then being abandoned because you're weed. Yeah. Well, yeah, were you like the runt of like a vulture nest? Not that I can remember.

Yeah, but it is easy to imagine me doing that, like, you know, the classic, like, all the piglets suckling from the pig, and I'm trying to get in there, and I call. They're like, fuck, end up sucking on the tail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As a little mullet's trying to suck on a pig's tit. A slug sucking on a pig's tit. I would have to go to hell. That's why you never really can go out. Yeah, exactly.

Every time I reincarnatist. mollusk, I go, time to go to the farm, I think. And they go, Daddy's thirsty. And they go, God fucking damn. It's like he doesn't want to, you know, I hope someone stands on him. Yeah. Oh, they will. It's the last thing, in every life I've ever lived, that's the last thing I hear before my diet.

Yuck! Someone squishes me. It's like you're there, goff towards some pig titty. You see like some snail bait, little palate. You're like, ooh. Oh, y'all, dude, dinner and the drink. Okay. Oh, y'all.

Time to go to the farm. Daddy thirsty. Did this kill me last time or was it delicious? Is that my dead body there? Was that some other guy? Within like an hour. She's a big pile of slugs. His slugs are laughing the balance.

I couldn't see what this is about. It must be something good. on these palaces and having a nap? It seems great. Yeah, what am I get in there? Come alive with a human being and I'm like, I don't know why, but I feel very unhappy.

Time to go to the far. Daddy's thirsty. This is all the slugs of that pallet. They must know something I don't. Dead. They're like, do you learn any lesson? I'm like, who are you? What's happening?

What's a lesson? What's a lesson? People keep talking about a big wheel. Simsorah, you know. Make me a slug again. I really want to have that big milk. Yeah, are you the guys that I talk to about becoming a slug? Yeah. Is that you guys at where I do this?

What's the best way to get pig milk? Because I keep fucking it up, but I don't know. I know I want it. Yeah, and then I just make you a piglet. No. I don't think so. I need to be a slug getting the pig milk. It doesn't really count.

Slug's a taste palate mixed with pig milk. Hoo-hoo! Nelly! You would not believe it. You can sort that out for me, I'd be really happy. Anyway, competitions. Yeah, he's good at it. Bad way to pick an air.

Yeah. Are you satisfied now, Jackson? I believe so. He came up with firing your belly. For now, I'm satisfied. I hope dear listener who said yes at this topic, Jack, if we answered this two, you know, what you wanted out of us. Exactly.

Yeah. Are you happy that I stopped umpiring? Yes. You happy that we got to Butler Bot? There was some good riffs in this. At the end. when we abandoned what you were talking about. Yes.

Yeah. Absolutely. We're incinating as a slug. That was funny. We just did that. Not a minute ago. That was pretty good. Yeah.

Just remembering the greatest hits of this episode. Sometimes it's good. When I was the umpalumpa that fucked the fit. That was a funny roof. There was a really good one. Yeah, hoopies trout. Yeah, good names, funny names. No, no of these roofs are about the contest

No, it's more of a jumping off point You know It's more like somebody to get us in It's an excuse to talk for an hour Yeah, let's be honest Well, on that note As I've been Joel I've been Jackson

And I've also been Joel Remember if you want to support us You can sign up to the bad brand boys Links in the show notes You can go to sanspensradio.com Or if you're listening to this on Apple Podcast Slam a button right there It's right there

Get access to ad-free episodes You get a bonus episode of Plummy the Death Star every month. You get an episode of What If every month? Access of Jackson Belly Spooks America. Oh my fucking God, dude. And if you don't want to pay for shit and you barely tolerated this episode, why not go to At Plumbing Pot on Instagram, jump in the comments and let us know.

Not for me. Bad podcast. Bad podcast. But if heaps of you say it? Then it could get caught in the algorithm. Look, we're never going to be, you know, unimaginably famous. but maybe we could be notorious. Yeah.

Maybe we could truly earn that title Australia's most hated podcast. I reckon we probably already have it, but it could be official. Exactly. Maybe the mayor will cause into their office. Stop fucking the fish. I wasn't.

The umpalumpa war. It was a riff. And he was teaching herpes trout to. Yeah. Were you even listening? Mayor? Mr. fucking mayor?

Fuck your town. Yeah. Fuck the mayor and fuck your town. Yeah. Look, you've got gripes? Yeah, I got... Are you going to grab your own? I got a legitimate beef.

All right, let's... Wonka poses. Oh, a tip of my hat to you, bitch child. Going back in time. Bitch child. Hello, bitch child. Here's the tickets. Oh, pick your ticket, bitch child.

Eat chocolate Eat shit and die, children Welcome to my Fuckery No, no, no No Because I'm stupid I'm the stupidest man alive

I don't know how How do run business I'm Willie fucker, dude I got a lot of questions For you and I know you're not going to be written You got your little machine nurse That's all right We're ready to go

Thank you.