Plumbing the Death Star - Does Wonka Know How to Run a Business? (Feat. The Weekly Planet)

Episode Date: June 2, 2015

In which our heroes gorge themselves on chocolate, press all the buttons in the Wonka-vator, get PTSD from the Boat Tunnel and are handed the keys to a chocolate factory, all while wondering if Willy Wonka knows how to run a business. We look at the nefarious secret life of Mr Wonka, the use of slave labour in exchange for cacao beans and try to figure out how to pronounce the word pygmy. Jackson has grave concerns for the health of Charlie Bucket, Mason thinks Willy Wonka is an evil genius who doesn’t understand reality, Duscher has no idea what an Oompa Loompa is and James just wants to defend his controversial decision to read books. It’s a twisted adventure full of booby traps and everlasting gobstoppers as we try to balance the expenses of the factory, but ultimately just get super pissed at Grandpa Joe for lying to everyone about being bedridden. What a crook, a cheat and a swindler. Good day!Want to help us prove that Willy Wonka is in fact a secret Nazi scientist? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in re-writing chocolate-covered history.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least five books about opening your own factory to distract the general public from ever finding out you were once clearly a Nazi. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, the original Funk Soul Brother. Do you want us in your bed? Well, you can now. You can get a Sands Pants Radio pillow at redbubble.com. Just search for Sands Pants Radio or follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, does Willy Wonka know how to run a business? Hold your breath.

Make a wish Count to three Come with me And you'll be In a world of At the end of Willy Wonka In the chocolate factory At the end of his life

In his final moments Rosebud But for chocolate I guess But at the end of the film He gives up the company to Charlie Any spinal moments? Rosebud, but for chocolate, I guess. But at the end of the film, he gives up the company to Charlie, like a 10-year-old boy. A 10-year-old borderline homeless boy. Yeah, like a poor child.

Yes, in tatters. That's enough. Like, I'm not even going to... Clearly there's more problems. But that's where I'm going to start, and I think we'll just gradually... Invariably, and we don't really know how it goes, but invariably a 10-year-old child given control of a chocolate factory would just eat all the chocolate and then and die and die yeah that's another death that's just gonna be like

fucking charlie's dad's like where's my son oh the chocolate bloated corpse yeah chocolate damn exactly he doesn't even have like proper nutritional information he's just eating like cabbage soup like he doesn't know how to maintain a well-balanced diet. And I think he's like cabbage soup again. So he's been eating just a lot of cabbage soup his whole life. And now here he's given like a bounty, a chocolate river that he can just drink whenever he wants. He's going to eat it all and die.

If somebody comes up to Charlie and they're like, hey, Charlie Bucket, Mr. Bucket. Mr. Bucket, sir. Now there's no Mr. Bucket in the movie. His dad is there, but there isn't a book. Is that right? No, I think his dad's in the movie. I don't think he is. No Now there's no Mr. Bucket in the movie He's dad, is there? But there isn't a book, is that right? No, I think his dad's in the movie I don't think he is

No, it's his grandpa No, his grandpa goes with him Fucking, like, on a side Uncle Charlie? No, Charlie's a little mate Uncle... Jesse? Uncle Joey

Yes, Uncle Buck No, um, whatever Let's just name Uncle Joe Grandpa Joe Yeah, yeah He's not an uncle Grandpa grandpa joe's like i'm crippled i'm crippled i can't leave but yeah look after me oh my god and then twisting somebody's arm until they say uncle there i thought of another one okay continue but then charlie's

like hey grandpa do you want to come to a factory for a sicked out and he's like i can walk again yeah exactly you're like you could have been working grandpa joe you You can dance. That means he's been dancing at night. Oh, that's a good point, yeah. Sneaky practices. Like the parents because they had that bed upper level but could still look down. Mezzanine. Yeah, but he goes out every night, he gets crunk

and then he comes back and he's like, oh, I'm so sick. He's just been hung over this whole time. Yeah, I do have Grandpa Joe like sneaking out of the house and just eating sausages and cured meats and sneaking back and being like, oh, thank you for the cabbage soup. Well, he gets a kebab at three in the morning. Yeah, exactly.

All the other old people, though, are pretty super crippled. But if somebody came to there like Mr. Bucket, you're, you know, we're looking at the projections for, like, the next quarter. Looks like it's not going to, you know, this chocolate you've created is not going to do well. What's he going to do? He's a kid. He's just going to be like, oh, no.

Uh-oh. He'll do the Home Alone face. I don't know what happens after that. Home Alone just puts on shaving cream and it's not great. I guess he could set up a series of deadly traps around the factory Home Alone style. I mean, it worked last time, didn't it? Yes, God, yes.

Imagine being smacked with, like, ice cream and bloody... I'm trying to think of actual deadly things in the chocolate factory. Everything in the chocolate factory is a death trap. Yeah, that's right, exactly. It's already, like, pretty bad. In fact, if we go by the logical conclusion, a lot of people have posited like how did Willy Wonka get the chocolate factory in the first place

Did he acquire it from another Was he also a child? Maybe that's how Maybe that's why this chocolate factory is filled with deadly traps Because when Wonka inherited it he didn't know what to do either He was just like okay Chocolate river, TV that tricks people. Giant weird machine that covers you in soap.

A boat ride that's very scary. That chocolate room that Willy Wonka has, like as a kid, you know the big one where he's like world of pure imagination. As a kid, I was like, that's amazing. How delicious. Yeah. Now I'm like, they're walking all over the ground,

which is edible. That's, yeah. Like it's super disgusting and unhygienic and your feet yeah exactly take off your shoes even that's bad don't go in you don't get like shower caps for your feet yeah yeah there's all sorts of oh and this thing but again if he's a kid yeah if he grew in tears as a kid he doesn't know or give a crap. You can say fuck on this one. I know, I've done it before. He doesn't give a... I'll be like, what if he doesn't approve? Oh, I don't.

I don't have a seven second delay like on our podcast where I can delete your bad language. We can just dump it. Nope. Oh no. No, no, no. No naughty words here, fellas did he so clearly i mean if he if he'd built that chocolate room before the did he build it for the kids i think he said it was the best way to like it purifies the chocolate and no but like the trees and shit like the river sure sure yeah but like the trees and the... Oh, did he build it for the kids? Did he build them for the people coming?

I don't think so. What function do they serve? Does it grow? Oh, now that's a question. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, are they all actual plants? Because, yeah, because otherwise, if it's a room that needs to be maintained,

and I guess it is because that's where his river is, does that mean that, like, people come in and, like, put new candy down? Wait, no, is it for the Oompa Loompas? Is that like their natural environment? What are Oompa Loompas? I don't know. Well, they're bright orange with green hair.

Clearly, they're not human. No. They kind of look like people with radiations. Yes. Yeah, maybe they were real people initially, and it's all the radiation from the chocolate factory. It's mutated them. Just turned them into something. And they've just hunched over and kind of shrunk, and then Willy all the radiation from the chocolate factory is mutated them. Just turned them into something.

And they've just hunched over and kind of shrunk, and then Willy Wonka's like, ah, carrots are good for you, and they've just gone on. Like, they've overdosed on beta-carotene, and now they're orange, yeah. That's all right. Oh, yeah, like hunched little radiation-sick orange people. That's good.

My memory of the book is that he goes and says... Oh, this guy reads books. Hey, no, I'm a friend of mine. Nerd. That he goes to this tribe of Oompa Loompas in the middle of some deepest, darkest jungle and they love the cocoa beans or whatever they're called, but they never get them.

Cocaine, they love cocaine. They love it. He lures them back in the boat with a trail of cocaine. Snort it. Like all the way along the trail. And it's like there's all sorts of monsters that live in your jungle and you never get any chocolate beans. If you come and work for me

you'll literally have as much chocolate as you'll ever want. So he gets free labor for chocolate. Because they're addicts. Because they're addicts. But also there's no nutritional value. Like if you're just eating chocolate and it doesn't, you never see like a farm or like a veggie patch somewhere. So like if those umpires are just eating, are a farm or like a veggie patch somewhere so like

if those umpilumpas are just eating are they just dropping like flies yeah because they're so so but they reproduce like flies yeah yeah gross maggots umpilumpa maggots there's a maggot room in the chocolate pack you don't think about it really what happens in the sequel like because there's a sequel book you've read books apparently tell us about accusations tell us about the great glass elevator fine i have read the great glass elevator there's a reason it's not a book because You've read books apparently, James. Tell us about the Great Glass Elevator. Fine, I have read the Great Glass Elevator. There's a reason it's not a book because it's shithouse. The reason it's not a movie.

It's a book already. It is a book. A terrible book. The elevator shoots into space and they have a moon adventure. And I don't remember exactly what happens. Because you know an elevator can go in any direction apparently. By the way, who made that? That's an amazing

piece of technology I mean that's another thing about he invented forever food like a permanent gobstopper is like it will never ever stop

you're like that's no don't make that like do you know famine's a thing Mr. Wonka also does he not know that the worst part of

but I've always had all the chocolate I wanted there can't be famine is he just like super wealthy and above it all I think so yeah but that the worst part of a gobstopper... But I've always had all the chocolate I wanted. There can't be famine. Is he just, like, super wealthy and above it all? I think so. Yeah. But, yeah, the worst part about a gobstopper is the first part,

because it's too big to fit in your mouth properly and it just hurts for a bit. True. That's the worst. You'd have such a sore jaw. But the gobstoppers he gives them don't look much like gobstoppers. No.

They look like little weird... They look like jacks. Yeah. Jacks. I remember jacks. Oh, I'm old enough. I'm old enough. I'm in the 40s. I'll read a book and then play Jacks.

Have a malt with my best girl. In fact, all of Willy Wonka's technology, if you weaponized it... That's the dream, isn't it? I've always had this little pet theory that Willy Wonka is a former Nazi scientist Because he disappears They're like where is he

What's he up to Everything's like super poor I believe that it takes place Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory In a world where the Nazis won And that Charlie lives in this terrible Impoverished town because they're just like, well, life's shit after the war. Yeah, yeah.

Like Ukraine or something. Yeah, exactly. And so Willy Wonka, you know the only people that are wealthy are people who are like selling cars or, you know, whatever Veruca Salt's dad did. Hunting Jews. Hunting Jews. They're the wealthy elite.

Yeah, yeah. But no, that he was like a former Nazi scientist and then they bring him back Jews. They're the wealthy elite. Yeah. But no, that he was like a former Nazi scientist and then they bring him back and they're like, make chocolate. Yeah. For the nation. Like the way that the Nazis invented Fanta. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It checks out. Yeah. Did they invent Fanta or did somebody else invent Fanta?

No, no, no. They invented Fanta. Yeah, that's the case. But like if you think about you know the Violet, what's her name? Violet Brugard? Crumble. The bubblegum girl. Yeah, that's the case. But if you think about the Violet... What's her name? Violet Beauregard? Which one? The bubblegum girl. Yeah, the bubblegum girl.

Yeah, I think Beauregard, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. She balloons out to like... Imagine that as a weapon. Imagine if you weaponized that. Absolutely. You don't even need to weaponize it. It is weaponized.

Take whatever safety device he's put in there to prevent her from literally exploding. Just take that out. Exactly. You just sneak into the Allies base. You're like, here's some gum. Yeah. Enjoy some gum.

Done. You're like, it's just Nazi gum. I'm sure it's fine. Pop, pop, pop, pop. Smell of bloody violets all over the camp. Blue smears. There's that lemonade that makes you fly. I know.

Uncontrollably. Yeah. Like you just float off into space. There's that lemonade that makes you fly. I know. Uncontrollably. Yeah. Like you just float off into space. That's it. To be gunned down by Nazi planes. Imagine you've got this Nazi plane. They're like, okay. Oh, no, because it just sends you up, doesn't it?

I was thinking instead of parachutes, but no, it just sends you up. Like they drink a swig and dive down, but they just drink a swig. You can get that TV studio one, and you could either make tiny little soldiers and send them in, or you could teleport your enemies directly into a little microwave oven. Oh my god, yes! Right? Just a whole

bunch of them at the same time. How confusing if you're like an allied soldier and you're like in the middle of a war and then suddenly you're like looking at this giant face. You're like, I cannot comprehend what's happening. And why is there a really big lean cuisine next to me? What's going on there? Oh, my God.

Do you reckon you'd realise you're in a microwave? Definitely not. No, you wouldn't figure it out. You would never clue it. You'd pop before it happened. Oh, the scariest part would be when you just hear the beep of it starting and then the plate starts rotating. Oh, God, yeah.

It's like the Gravitron, except you explode. Getting blasted with radiation. And like that kind of Willy Wonka, if they are like pygmies, hey. Pygmies? Well, in the original book, they're pygmies. I think it's pygmy. Did you say pygmy?

Like polygamy. Like pygmy. Like pygmy. Pygmy, pygmy? Like polygamy Like bigamy Like bigamy Bigamy, pygamy Okay, gotcha Look, look You say pygmy Everyone else in the world says pygmy

Just like the song, you know what I mean? Yeah Potato, potato Correct And potato But if they're pygmies Yeah, sorry, sorry And Willy Wonka's a Nazi

Yeah That, I mean, hey, that follows It does, yeah Sure does That makes sense He is this eminent Nazi scientist And he's like, hey, that follows. It does, yeah. Sure does. That makes sense. He is this eminent Nazi scientist, and he's like, hey, can I just sneak some pygmies for

my experiments? They're like, yeah, whatever. Maybe that's why they're so weird and gross in the Gene Wilder one. Because he gets them as just regular pygmies, and his experiments have resulted in sweet potato man. Oh, God. And also he does hand his factory over to an Aryan boy.

That's very true. Oh, that's true, yeah. Blonde, blue eyes, you know? So this episode's become less, can he run a business well, to just... Willy Wonka is a Nazi. Yeah, not a question. Not a question.

It's a basic fact. Evidence says yes. Yes, he is. Is that Toggle? He's just spooking the kids why is that there? why is that there? like that

even him being a Nazi doesn't really explain that does it even that's too fucked of a Nazi let's get off the topic of Nazis even though we love it so much

I guess let's just assume he's an idiot so can he run a business? like it's I just don't understand any of the decisions he's made Like even

Going back to the boat ride Yeah Why is that there? Like Is it a test of fortitude? But Is it like If you're gonna be running

My chocolate factory You're gonna have to deal With some fucked up things You run the gauntlet Yeah Why does he need to give This has probably been explained But I haven't seen this movie

In 20 years So what's Why does he give the chocolate factory away? he says he's getting old he doesn't look that old no exactly he looks pretty young in fact he only appears old for the first 10 seconds

when he's on the spawking stick yeah he pulls the classic Willy Wonka tumble the first thing he does is a trick yeah the first thing he does is prove that he's quite wiry and young you know the best thing about that scene? Gene Wilder was like I will only be Willy Wonka if I can do a tumble

at the start. And they were like, I guess so. Can you do a tumble? You'll find out on day one. And what if they built all the sets and they got all the cast

and he tries it and he shanks it and he's just on the ground and he's like, not doing anything. Pull the hammy. Did Johnny Dunn do the same thing? No, he just laughs

at a puppet. What? I don't remember that movie. I don't think I've same thing? No, he just laughs at a puppet. What? I don't remember that movie at all. I don't think I've seen that one. There's puppets doing a thing. They're like an animatronic adventure. They burst into flames. He claps his hands and laughs.

That sounds scary. I don't like that at all. It is an odd beginning to the film. It is weird that he's choosing a successor so early. Why a child? Yeah, and he just... Why a child? Yeah, it was like being a Jedi. You have to start them early.

Even if they don't want to? Yeah. But isn't it sort of implied that Willy Wonka's chuffing off? He's like, Charlie, this is all yours. Anyway, so long. He goes into space, but he takes Charlie with him. Yeah, no. Your final test is to get back to Earth.

He kicks him out the airlock. He drinks some bloody float lemonade Charlie's fucked You have a choice of one of these horrible mutations to have on the way down Which will you choose? I don't know I'd pick the gum because then maybe I'd bounce

No, you'd just pop You'd hit the ground and people wouldn't know what you were They'd just be like, here's a blue smear what happens to the other kids though the first one nearly drowns Augustus

oh that traumatised the fuck out of me as a kid I was like he's suffocating in there someone do something in the movie also you don't see them

at the end in the book you do yeah in the movie you're kind of left to assume they died right

because yeah the parents are horrified but it horrified me how little they were horrified yeah you're kind of left to assume they died. Right? Yeah. The parents are horrified, but it horrified me how little they were horrified. Yeah. Because they're like, they're like, oh no, my kid.

Oh, well, I guess I'll just go with it. wasn't Augustus Gloop's mom just like freaking out? Nobody else. Everybody else was like, oh, I'll put my little son in my handbag,

whatever. But like, even she had her hand sheared off by a buzzsaw. That's, that was her. She was just caught in another random deadly trap. It had nothing to do with her. Nothing to do with her.

She just turned around the wrong way. God damn. Shit. What happened to Veruca Salt? What happened to her? She does a dance about eggs and then falls into the trash. Oh, my God, yeah. And Willy Wonka's like, oh, is it like the incinerator?

Like, is that where she's going to go? I don't know. Yeah. And her dad's like, oh, dear. Not like, oh, my God. Yeah, he's like, I'm free. I'm free. She was awful.

It's finally happened. Thank you, Willy. Thank you. So that's fucked. Wait, that's a room that literally lays golden eggs. The goose in the room does, yeah. So they have an unlimited supply of gold. Are they chocolate gold or just actual gold?

They're Nazi gold. It's Nazi gold. They eat Nazi gold and then lay it in a head form. Oh, we're rich with the... Wait, SS? What does that mean? Uh-oh. I knew this.

I knew this all along. Wait, is it gold or is it chocolate I think it's gold that's what the fuck haven't seen it in 20 years I might be wrong no I feel like you're right

no well that's I don't know I think it's just more impressive stuff that whole movie is just like hey kids look at my cool shit

yeah why did you have a TV that could beam no he wants to beam chocolate into people's houses propaganda that's why he said yeah but again

is he also making sure that no one's got a screen on their television on the other side? You can just reach it to your television, all the components, you'll be fine. It's in there. I promise.

Also, speaking of him as a bad businessman, the way that works is that he does a giant chocolate bar into a tiny chocolate bar that you can eat. So that means he's spending so much money to make a giant one. You could just film it up close. I'm no expert in media production. But that's an option, Willie. Close-ups. Is it only one

to one as well? What do you mean? Does one chocolate bar go to one TV? Or does that clone it? I don't know. I think it just must go to one TV. Because if it clones it, then I'm worried about the child. Little Mike TV, because that's another... That's not a dad. That's how he got the Oompa Loompas.

Were they huge? Regular man to a little man. That was the prototype that didn't scale them properly. They're just popping out of a TV screen. Oh, my God. That's so disturbing. Fuck the colours. What's more terrifying, the girl from The Ring

or an Oompa Loompa coming out of your TV? Oompa Loompa, hands down. Being like, Oompa Loompa coming out of your TV Oompa Loompa hands down being like Oompa Loompa doopity dad I love it because when you're dying the last thing you hear would just be a song about how you deserved what was coming because let's not forget that not only does no one care

the Oompa Loompas then sing a song about how the kid deserved it which unless the Oompa Loompas are just brilliant songwriters somebody's written I reckon they're an improv team a wacky improv team Which, unless the Oompa Loompas are just brilliant songwriters, somebody's written. I reckon they're an improv team. There's like a room, it's like there's the Oompa Loompa break room and also a room where they can sit down and come up with songs about poor parenting.

So what if we get a fat kid coming in? Let's just bounce some ideas off each other. But what if the fat kid drinks the lemonade? What do we sing then? They've got a decision tree Up the back, on the whiteboard Just going through all the ideas These are the various things that we can write

Spooky little songs about Does Willy Wonka request that? Is he like, hey, I'm gonna have kids coming in Some of them might have bad parents If you want to eat Are you gonna kill them boss wow we'll see we'll see one thing that gets pointed out a lot that we haven't mentioned yet is the fact that the boat ride there is the correct amount of seats for the amount of children

that remain at that point yeah that kind of gives you an idea that he knew what he was doing that's that's a good yeah that's that's true That is a good point But it also makes me wonder Like, did he have a backup plan? If like some of the kids didn't take the bait Like if they were like No, maybe I won't eat this gum Because I'm a good kid

And I'm not, I'm gonna My parents are here I'm gonna exercise I'm gonna exercise And then just Wong is like Plan B And just a

Imple-imple kicks the door And he's got a gun Just Jesus I like the big say I thought your a gun jesus i like your big say another boat yeah no gunfire though or he spent a lot of money on

like yeah exactly a series of boats with okay how many is it there's seven kids left okay get the seven seater out i spent a million bucks on each of these boats so he is a bad businessman yeah could be also like there's no I spent a million bucks on each of these boats So he is a bad businessman That's what he's saying Yeah Could be Also like There's no path

With that river That's the only way to get to other parts of the factory And he's like I don't want kids in the river But my boat That's fine You know what I mean He's not really stressed about tainting that river

Whenever you think about Super villain hideouts And this is essentially what it is It's a super villain hideout They never factor in How the regular Or like video game super villain hideouts and this is essentially what it is, it's a super villain hideout they never factor in how the regular, or like video game super villain hideouts especially, like how do the regular workers get in and out during

the day? Okay I have to leap the lake of fire and there's going to be a platform going back and forth very quickly, so I'm going to leap on that and then leap off it again Just to punch in Another day To get into that garden, you walk into a room which goes to a small door, which is to nothing,

and then you go back to the start, and then it's the real door, is that right? Yeah, it is. So is that like an elevator? I don't... What a hassle for the Opelupas to get in there and clean it up. Precisely, that's right. And especially if they're going to the pit of the factory

that you take the boat to, is it like they hop in with their packed launches and shit, they see the disturbing images and the darkness. Yeah, there's that again. There's the centipede in that guy's eye. Just one of the imple lumpers rings up one day, oh, I've got a call in sick.

I can't be in a world of pure imagination. I just can't handle it, for God's sakes. No, thank you. This is too much. I'm going to be okay. I also never really understood the function of that machine that covers you in soap suds. That doesn't kill any kid.

It doesn't do anything. I don't even remember that. It's like they get in and it's like a big steamroller. Maybe it rolls taffy. Nobody remembers this but me. Oh, wait, no, yeah, yeah. Does that have to clean them before they go into another place? Because they're dirty girls and boys.

Yeah. Actually, it's before they go into the, like, Mike TV room, so maybe it does sterilise them. But I'd never really... What if there was a big sign that said Mike TV room? Like, what does this mean? Now they keep going. Don't worry about it.

It sterilises them reproductively. That's what it sterilises them. Not only Oompa Loompas can breed, surely. God, I hope not. Yeah, neither. So Violet Beauregard gets popped. Yep. And they also talk about juicing her,

which I can only begin to imagine. Oh, dear. Because the way you juice an orange is like... Slice it right in half. Yeah, exactly. Squeeze it out. Are they doing that? I guess with a big grape kind of situation,? Just slice it right in half. Exactly. Squeeze it out. Are they doing that? I guess with a big grape kind of situation,

you just throw it straight in. Yeah, straight into some whirling fan blades, yeah. Like, in the best case scenario, they're hooking her up to, like, an IV and, like, draining her of fucking violent plum juice. And that's not good. Yeah. This is the first time he's done this, right?

So if Charlie had have gone into that fan would he have been like well I have to do this again and I'd be like where are the other kids and he's like they all got factories on other continents I don't know what kids but then like what was he doing with this factory before he was giving people tours cause it's like the factory is made only for

terrible tours where kids die what function did so many of the rooms serve Because it's like the factory is made only for terrible tours where kids die. What function did so many of the rooms serve? And also, what was happening in that dark period? Do we ever know? I mean, other than my theory that he was out fighting the Allies. The reason he shut it down, because it used to be open and they used to have real people working there. But people kept stealing his ideas.

So he closed the gates. But they kept producing chocolate. But nobody knew stealing his ideas. So he closed the gates. But they kept producing chocolate, but nobody knew how he was doing it. That changes everything. Because knowing that people are stealing his ideas, the traps, so people break in. Maybe. Maybe, yeah.

Sort of. I suppose. He's still a terrible businessman. If your solution to, like, people are stealing my ideas is I want to shut everything down, fill it with traps and hire weird oompa-loompas. But everybody who tried to steal something, something horrible happened to them.

Correct. Because they were all stealing shit. Yeah, that's a good point. Oh, the traps existed before that then. Yeah, clearly they did. Plus, Slugworth is just entrapment. But that being said, though, if you were, like, an industrial spy, you're not tasting the gum, surely?

No. You just put it in a case and you take it off with it. You're right. Yeah, like he's a bad businessman and he's a bad counterintelligence operative. He's both those things. He's bad. I like that he's like nobody's allowed in the lemonade room.

It's untested. But he does let Violet Beauregard eat that untested gum. That weird grey piece of gum. Yeah, he's like, bourregard eat that untested gum that weird gray piece of gum yeah he's like nah i guess that's uh also the wallpaper did he intend to market that or was that a neat idea that you just different people lick the same spot i know like taste like snozzberries that's obtuse there's just there's just people he had to clear out like dozens of people who just trapped in that room. Like, but what does Narsbury's taste like?

I'm tasting it, but I still don't know what it is. Vagina, actually. Is it a dick? Or maybe it's dick. Yeah, because. From that book that Roald Dahl wrote about those people collecting the sperm of geniuses, Roald Dahl's written some odd books. What?

It's a book called... You've read books, James. You should know about this. Hey, hey, hey, enough. Oh, bookie, bookie books. That's what we call you, bookie book James. I don't like this show anymore. It's me.

This is some kind of wonker-esque trap just to make fun of me. That's it. No, yeah, it's just a book about some people collecting the sperm of famous people to sell to prospective mothers who want to have a kid with famous people

DNA what year was this was this after he was done with the kids books yeah it was after Charlie and the Chocolate Factory I think what he did

was he it was his first kids book it didn't sell well and kids were like what is this no I think he wrote a bunch of kids books and he tried to

write an adult's book and it didn't really sell that well so he went back to kids books no because he wrote several collections of adult children books and he tried to write an adult's book and it didn't really sell that well, so he went back to kids' books. No, because he wrote several collections of adult children's stories. Yeah, like Boy and Going Solo, probably.

Maybe Mason, I don't know. Oh, God. Portia. They're really good. None of those are comic books. He was also a World War II pilot. Yeah. Rolf Dahl lived a life.

He did a life. For the Nazis. Hey. Ha! There it is. Yeah, so the snozzberries thing, that wasn't a thing at all in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but then in a later book he called a dick a snozzberry

there you go the implications everyone's tasting dick that's a song the Oompa Loompas sing they got that right Oompa Loompa Doobity Dick Snozzberries tasting dick can't rhyme dick with dick

I disagree. Well, all right. Okay, so like legally, what happens after those kids leave the factory? It was the 60s, man. Or 70s or something. So everyone's just like, if it happened, you'd research it now

and it'd be like, mysterious disappearances. It was back in the day where if a kid was acting up in public, just a random person could go give him a clip over the ear. Yeah, that's true. And if that kid went to their parents and was like, oh, this guy gave me a clip over the ear, they'd be like, what were you doing?

Playing around? Give him another clip over the ear, right? So basically what would happen is Violet Beauregard would go home all purple or whatever and be like, oh, I was messing up and they made me eat this gum and I turned all purple. They'd be like, well, have some bloody more gum and get even bigger and then she'd burst. So I'd say there's no I would say he's gone away with this

for so long because there's been no legal ramifications whatsoever. Because it was the 60s or the 70s or whatever it was. World War II. Does he have a team of lawyers? You'd hope he would have a team of lawyers. I think Slugworth's like a lawyer. He's fake Slugworth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think there was a Slugworth. And he was killed. Yes, he was. He was's like a lawyer. He's fake Slugworth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think there was a Slugworth.

And he was killed. Yes, he was. He was killed in a trap, yeah. Absolutely. That guy's not Slugworth. He's got a different name, I think. Okay. I'll just try this new Wonka brand artificial sweetener in my coffee in the morning.

Oh, it's acid! And then he just melted. New Slugworth is required. It worries me that he then, like, back to Wonka being a bad businessman even when he hands

over the business even though it's a child if it was anyone it's still a bad decision because he then fucks off to space with that person so it's like

hey you're in charge of this business let's go that kind of defeats the purpose of appointing someone to look after your business that's how Richard Branson

is going to do it you're in charge of the business let's go to space nobody's saying no but I feel like Richard Branson's going to do it. You're in charge of the business. Let's go to space. Nobody's saying no. I feel like Richard Branson probably read The Glass Elevator or whatever it's called and was just like, it's my life sorted. Sorted.

There we go. What a good solution. Virgin Cola, anybody? No. No, no, Richard Branson. Richard, no. They can't all be winners, all right, Mace? No Richard Branson.

Richard. They can't all be winners, all right, Mace? So I think what we've learnt. We've learnt a lot this episode. We've learnt something. I don't know. Willy Wonka's definitely a Nazi. He's definitely a Nazi.

Charlie's a patsy. We haven't discussed that, but he is. Charlie's a patsy. Well, I mean, like, Willy Wonka's probably in trouble for killing those kids, but it's not his business anymore. That's right. Like, the feds are bearing down on fucking Willy for his war crimes. Maybe his plan wasn't to give the business to somebody else until he accidentally killed all those children on his factory tour.

And then he's like, oh, how can I get out of this slug worth? I'll give it to a kid. Okay, great. Great idea. You know what? At the end, he's in his weird half office. Yeah. And he's like, oh, he's having such a stress yeah what is that at the end there is he just stressing because he's

like i'm in such trouble like what is he gonna put me away for such a long time isn't he stressed because charlie was the only one left and he wanted to give the factory to him but then because he drank the lemonade he was like i can't now yeah but then he's like but i can because that guy made no fucking sense i think think if we've learned anything today, it's that Willy Wonka, a ridiculous man. Yeah, a ridiculous man. But I guess someone somehow is running that business because they're a candy all over the world.

I'd love a modern day sequel where you go back and Charlie's just lost his mind. Well, because he's been traumatised because there's... We see after, when it escapes in the glass elevator, you see a scene where, like, police helicopters all surround it. And then Willy Wonka uses Charlie as a human shield and he's brutally gunned down. And then Charlie has to run this business after this horrific event.

After seeing that, after witnessing that. And, like, all of the kids that you didn't see what happened to them, he's got to deal with that. Like, the Oompa Loompas come up, they're like, Augustus Gloo's bloated corpse is in the pipes. We're sending a Oompa Loompa down to collect him. Violet Beauregard was incinerated. Yeah, it's true.

You're over ashes. I'm imagining a Charlie of about 40 who's like got a comb over, huge bags under his eyes. He's having a bad time. Overweight. Oh, massively. Because all he's eating is chocolate. And because he's poor,

they've got no kind of sense of... Yeah, you can't just thrust somebody into that. No, you can't just give them all that because he's just going to kind of consume it all. Which is what we started by saying. Full loop. And on that note... Or a lump. A full lump. And on that note, or a lump.

A full lump. And on that note, there we go. I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been myself. I've been James. And this is the Weekly Planet Crossover you've been hoping for. This is what you were waiting for, listeners. I hope it was great. Is there a topic you always wanted us to talk about?

I would love not enough people talk about Willy Wonka and the Third Reich. And combining them. We did it, guys. Hooray! Breaking new ground. He is a Nazi. He's a Nazi.

Like, it makes a lot of sense. I'm a Nazi too, guys. Are we still recording? What's going on? If you want to view paradise Simply look around and view it Anything you want to do it Want to change the world

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