Plumbing the Death Star - Hang On, Why is Spider-Man Poor?

Episode Date: June 27, 2021

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Sandspan's Radio, Australia's only five-thumbed podcast network. what that sound is? That was the sound of your genitals shattering like a fucking wine glass. That's right. The absolute worst brains in the city, nay, the country, are going to be performing their unique brand of bullshit live on stage. And this is really the best bit. You can bear witness to it if you would like to do so. It's on Sunday, August 1st, 2pm at Village Cinema's Jam Factory. $20 a ticket, allocated seating, a room huge and COVID safe, so you basically have no reason not to come. In fact, if you come and you mention this ad, I'll give you a saucy little wink guaranteed. Once again, that's Sunday, August 1st, 2pm at Village Cinemaemas Jam Factory. Tickets are $20, but your evening will be priceless. Or worthless. Whatever. Both. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode

of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, hang on, why is Spider-Man I like to think of this episode as a sort of sequel to Why Are the Weasleys Poor. You know, like five years in the making. Yeah. The next fictional character we're wondering about their financial situation. Okay, so yeah. Is Spider-Man often portrayed as poor? In Spider-Man 3, a movie I watched not two nights ago. May I just say congratulations?

Thank you very much. I loved it just as much as I did the first time. Peter Parker, absolute dirtbag, absolutely oblivious. Before he even has the black goo on him, by which I mean the symbiote, he's still like an oblivious weirdo and it's great he's so mean for no reason is it cool when eddie brock prays to god to kill spider-man it's one of the coolest scenes in movies anyway i noticed when peter parker is returning to his very filthy home uh he's sleeping on a camp bed he cannot afford a real bed yes his. His house is also falling apart.

Remember, he's like, I'll get you your rent when you fix this damn door. He can't pay his rent. Yeah, he can't pay his rent. I believe it's Spider-Man 2 where he's a delivery boy. Yeah, pizza time. And so he cooks that pretty badly. Most recently in popular culture, we've seen the Spider-Man PlayStation 4 game, Sony PlayStation.

I don't know if you've heard of it. But on the fourth one they released the Spider-Man game and in that he gets evicted from his apartment for the same reason. Can't pay rent. Sleeps on his nan no auntie's couch. Often he's at home with aunt.

This feels weird. At home with aunt. He's often at home with aunt. It helps weird. At home with aunt. He's often at home with aunt. It helps call a nan mate, because that's the mistake I just made. It does. I say at home with nan. I'm at home with aunt. Yeah, I'm at home with aunt.

But anyway, so I ask you, have you ever had the powers of a spider? Well, actually, technically, I asked you. Well, no, this is a different question. So fair play, play on. If you were born with the powers of a spider or whatever happened, why in the hell are you not somehow making money off this? Well, okay.

So let's tackle what the comics and movies usually try and do. Give us the explanation. They make Spider-Man grounded and have similar problems to us. The every man, the fucking idiots of the world the john q marvel that can't pay their rent yeah the absolute fuckwits that aren't on seven figures yeah when the dumb filth of the world yeah the the scum in this room 99 when my landlord is like I'm not we're getting evicted because you keep throwing any money you get in a pond in Central Park

because you think it's bread for the ducks and I'm like I'm out of my ass but then I look up at the sky and I'm like just like Spider-Man we're the same

yeah me and Spider-Man are the same so I'm going to pay $12 to go see him in Marvel's new beautiful film, Spider-Man No Way Home. Correct.

No Way Jose. Coming to cinemas December 2021. This is sponsored by No Way Home. Yeah. So, yeah, you usually get, so they make him this, but also the way they justify it in most media that Spider-Man appears in. And I feel like this is where we're going to have a problem because it's one of those things where you're like, oh,

okay, wait a second. Yeah. Yeah. Spider-Man's whole thing is like with great power comes great responsibility. I'm saying this and presenting it like we haven't uttered that exact sentence every time Spider-Man comes in. As a consequence of that, he's often doing an internship,

which typically unpaid and the 1% of dogs and we are stupid scum. That is just the way of the world. The way the lines are drawn. He's usually doing an internship, and then studying on top of that, and then looking after aunt or nan. Well, not nan. Why are we not saying mate?

Wait, are we allergic? Looking after aunt. What if they're looking after auntie? Is that better or worse? Way worse. Way worse, looking after auntie. Yeah, looking after auntie? Is that better or worse? Way worse. Looking after auntie. Yeah, looking after aunt or Mrs. Uncle.

Boy looking after aunt, yes. Nephew looking after aunt, yes. It makes sense. And then spider manning on top of that. So he can't hold down a job that pays well. He's spider manning. He's looking after aunt. He's studying. You better go at saying it too. It feels wrong.

It falls out of your mouth wrong. Yeah, it's not good. And He's studying You better go at saying it too It feels wrong It falls out of your mouth wrong Yeah it's not good And he's studying And also being Usually an unpaid intern For either Oscorp Or Old mate Octavius Or blizzard fella

And then he's taking pictures of himself Yeah And getting ripped off Jake Jonah Jameson Pays him fuck all He's got no business acumen That's his problem Just thwip him

Who cares Sell your thwippy device, patent that, and sell it. Do one interview as Spider-Man to the Daily Bugle. Get smeared

all over the paper. But write your choice instantly as your name's dragged through the mud. But Sue, unsuccessfully, you end up poorer

somehow than before. You've got to put a mortgage on your Aunt May's house, out on your ass with her. She knows you're Spider-Man. Joe Chill shoots her in the head. There you go. Spider-Man, this is my eight-step plan.

Does it end with my aunt getting killed? Oh, my God, yes. By a Batman villain? Yes, yes, yes, 100%. Yeah, I think that's the best for you. You live in Crime Alley, yeah? But again, with Spider-Man, he tends to be like, I am a poor, so I need to make ends meet.

So he goes like, right. Yeah, actually, he's expensive. Yeah, he is. So it's like, okay, well, I can Spider-Man my way around places, so I'm going to become a delivery boy. But he cooks it because either he ruins the pizza he's delivering, or he sees something happening while he's Spider-Manning, he's like, well, I've got to Spider-Man that over there.

So that's like... So he can never... He can't be a delivery boy. Yeah, yeah. Because he's too distracted. Or he can be a delivery boy, but like a mailman delivery boy. Yeah.

No, because he gets distracted. Yeah, because the moment a crime happens, he's going to go. And it's New York. There's a crime happening on every corner. So he can't be out in the street where he can get distracted. Basically, you've got to treat him like someone with ADHD because he can't get distracted.

Okay? And on that note, how crazy would it be to get your- I've been Joel. Oh, no. You've ended the episode. I'm so sorry. I've been Joel. Wow, six-minute episode.

Jackson broke it halfway through. No, on that idea. But it would be crazy to get a pizza delivered by Spider-Man. But Spider-Man doesn't actually. What are you talking about? No, he whips that pizza. Oh, no, that guy steals a slice. Sorry.

I thought when he whipped that pizza at that guy in the room, he was delivering pizza. My mistake. Because I thought that was insane where I that pizza at that guy in the room, he was delivering the pizza. My mistake. Because I thought that would be insane where I'd be like, aren't you a superhero? He thwips into the apartment building and then he changes in a broom closet or whatever. Well, imagine seeing that. You're looking for a broom. Just need a broom to hit the bat. Oh, my God.

He's a half-naked man. He's too distracted to do any kind of delivery. Yeah. And that's the thing. You kind of got to pin him down. You can't do that. All right. So that's out. Any distracted to do any kind of delivery. Yeah. And that's the thing. You kind of got to pin him down. So you can't do that. All right? So that's out.

Any delivery job, you can't do. Yeah. Now, taking pictures of yourself. Can you do that? Yes. Now, why is he still poor then? Yeah. J. Jonah Jameson is only interested in photos of Spider-Man when Spider-Man is in the news

for something, which the Daily Bugle is then using to smear him further. Go to a different newspaper. Go to another magazine. Explicitly in Spider-Man 3, there's a scene where J. Jonah Jameson is told how many newspapers are doing better than the Daily Bugle, which means that Spider-Man has a myriad of choices he can take. Is it, however, only the Daily Bugle

that's interested in pictures of Spider-Man? Does no one else care because jana jana jana jana jana jameson has such a hard-on for spidey pictures that he's the only one paying well as we saw in the famous deleted scene from spider-man 2 when uh spider-man says spider-man no more and puts his costume in the bin, much in reference to the comic book Spider-Man No More. I've read it. I haven't. I've seen the front cover.

I understood the reference. Thank you, Sam Raimi. One for the true fans. Me, a guy who has not read that but saw a picture of it. But definitely saw a cover. One for the true fans. Jaina Jonah Jameson. Was it better to hear or say? It's way worse to hear.

I saw my own idiocy reflected back at me and I didn't like it. He dresses up as Spider-Man. That's good. I can't remember what I was going to say. Oh yeah, he loves Spider-Man. That's what I was going to say. You wandered down a little pathway in your own brain there, didn't you? Well, I think it was just like giving everyone that's listening to Paul and me that that's something

like they don't ever know what they're talking about. I just gave you so many references to grow, to thrive. Can you message us on Twitter or, you know, Facebook? Yeah, Sam Smith Radio Facebook stuff announces the Discord. Did that feel good, listeners? Were you like, finally, they know what they're talking about? Or did it just sound like a stream of diarrhea coming out of a human mouth? Everyone listens because of the references.

Yeah, that's true. Joel McHale is the bank manager. May goes to kick Peter, kicks him in the shit. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. So him not making money through him taking pictures of Spider-Man is because is he saturating the market with Spider-Man pictures? Is it because no one wants them, or is it because he's like I guess the Daily Bugle is the one for me

and they'll give money? I don't know if I've ever seen him shop his pictures around. He must want to be a photojournalist. But what other journalism does he do? Because I guess, yes, he's in the right area when he's Spider-Man-ing and he sees a problem and he's like, ah, I'll just set this up. Is Spider-Man's problem less that he's getting ripped off from J. Jonah Jameson?

Thank you. That's a reference for the True Fans of 10 minutes ago. J. Jonah Jameson. Why does his real name feel wrong? Anyway, is the problem less that J. Jonah Jameson is ripping Peter Parker off by not paying him for the pictures? Or is it that Spider-Man is half-arsing everything and not whole-arsing a single thing? Because he wants to be a photojournalist. He wants to do science shit.

He wants to be a stand-up comedian, although admittedly not in the Raimi films. Yeah, true. Or the video game that I'm currently playing. He's often wanting to be a stand-up. And he does become a teacher as well. Oh my god. At some point. Have you ever heard of a whole ass Peter Parker?

A whole ass something. I think this is the problem. He's whole assing Spider-Man. Yeah. And that's what he's doing. But that doesn't pay the bills. But he's only going to be three-quarter assing Spider-Man if he's doing all this other stuff.

Yeah. That's not really whole assing. No. His personal life and where he's earning money is just all crack at the moment. No arse. It's just one noose. Yeah, absolutely.

And also, you know, become a fireman or whatever. Well, okay. Why? So Peter Parker often saves people from burning buildings. Spider-Man, not fireproof. Yeah, but he's got spidey sense. He's got spidey sense. Actually, what is a good job?

As opposed to like, why is he poor? Because again, I think that he's poor because he does a whole ass thing. I'm going to stop you there, acrobat. Yes. Join the circus, Peter Parker. Hang on. Let's just put that on the shelf for a sec. Put that on the shelf.

We'll think about this. Put a pin in that. So again, the reason why he's so poor is because he doesn't whole ass anything. He doesn't commit. And he thinks to be like, well, okay, well, my primary job is to be Spider-Man. And what can I do around that? So he's like, okay, well, I'll take photos of myself. That'll be easy.

Because all I need is me in my suit, and that's fine. I can set up a timer, and that's good. But because he's doing that, he's setting up a timer for his phone to kind of take photos. And I guess now with small smartphones, he could take videos. But that's in a fixed position. No one is manning that phone. No. No one is manning the camera.

So it's kind of always going to be a little bit shitty. So it's not going to be great footage for people to get. So that's, again, that's kind of example of why Jay Jonah is being like, I'm not going to pay a lot of money for this. Because you have someone on the street with their camera taking a much better and more dynamic shot. And he's like, well, I'm going to use those instead. I think the opposite.

And I think this actually may be a plot point in Spider-Man 3, the Venom one, is that Peter Parker does get the best shots of Spider-Man, which is why, because J. Jonah Jameson hates him as a man. That seems to be a general plot point. Doesn't respect him, thinks he's a spineless wet weasel of a rat man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is understandable when you look at Peter Parker. Absolutely.

And also in the Raimi series, as we've noted before, and we'll note again because it's funny, the entire world seems to hate Peter Parker for no apparent reason. They love Spider-Man. New York loves Spider-Man. Yeah. Hate Peter Parker. Loathe the man.

Loathe him. I'm honestly shocked that in the train scene when Spider-Man is unmasked, they don't say, it's just a boy. No older than. No bigger than my huge boy. Huge boy. No bigger than my son or whatever. They're not just like, I loathe this man.

I fuck. And then just punch him in the head a couple of times. Thank you. I hate looking at this guy. Oh, no, I like him. He's much better. This is good. So again, him taking photos of himself and granted, maybe it's the best

of Spider-Man or whatever it might be. But also, how many times, say you're a regular Daily Bugle reader. That's your paper in the morning with your dog and your slippers and your cup of coffee. Okay. When you said dog, I was like, what are you?

Okay, now I'm- The dog brought your slippers or is in slippers if you live in a cool house. Yeah. Why wouldn't the dog just bring you the paper in that situation?

It does both. Yeah. It does multiple trips. It's a trained dog. You're too lazy. Do one of them yourself. Then I'll get rid of the dog. Okay. That's sad. get rid of the dog. Okay.

That's sad. What happened to the dog? Did you rehome it? You gave it to a guy. You gave it to a guy. Did you do reference checks or anything? I put a little basket out the front of my house. Free dog.

I'm not allowed to have him anymore because he makes me lazy. Apparently. So you put a basket out and put free dog on it? Yeah. And just some guy picked it up? Yeah. Did you check in? I didn't see it happen.

Well, the dog's gone. What if it just got out of the basket? Was the basket gone too? No, the basket was still there. Anyway. The dog just walked out into traffic. I wasn't giving away the basket. Anyway.

It's true. The sign doesn't say free basket. It says free dog. Free dog in brackets, not basket. Do not take basket. I need it for my lunch. Anyway. Small dog. So if you're reading this... Yeah, I think it was a dog.

Because like... Apparently the basket was for my lunch. This is a dog. This is a rat. You've got a rat bringing you... That's pretty impressive. If a rat brought me something, I'd bring me one slipper and a fucking dime. Yeah, and I guess with a huge rat.

Oh my god! That's a huge rat, as big as my huge son! Oh, that's why it's no bigger than my rat! That rat's so big, it's no bigger than my rat! Anyway! So a rat would also eat through a newspaper. Yeah, none of it was trained, anyway! Yes. Not trained that well if it just left. Well, none of it was trained. Anyway. Yes.

Not trained that well if it just left. Well, he clearly knew I didn't need him anymore. Yeah, that's sad. You said, was it here? No, you just left him in a box. It wasn't even a tearful goodbye. Yeah. Free rat. Free dog crossed out.

Free rat. Sorry. Leave the basket needed for my lunch. If you were reading the Daily Bugle every day, you would be like, it's just... You can only see a picture of Spider-Man so many times before you're like, I fucking know it's that guy. It's got diminishing returns.

And because he's saturating the market, so you're like, well, that's not going to make any money. So again, even though he's maybe doing the best shots of Spider-Man, I would still say he's sort of half-assing that because it's only pictures of Spider-Man. Who cares? Well, I mean, I think a better way to look at the pictures of Spider-Man rather than it being just like a boring,

oh, who cares, I've seen it a million times. Think of it like the back of the sports section when you spend, there's always a picture of like a footy player taking a mark. But it's not the same footy player. Yeah, but it's still like that. Unless it was Spider-Man Weekly, then I'm expecting, because again, Spider-Man, if he takes enough pictures himself, he could make his own magazine.

Yeah. It wouldn't have that many subscribers. It wouldn't have that many subscribers. It wouldn't have that many subscribers. It's just like, oh, yeah, cool. These are terrible things happening in my city. That's a bummer. I think to find him a job, it needs to be something he can do while Spider-Man. Well, yeah, exactly.

Someone going through. So it's like he's taking photos himself. He kind of half-asses it. And even if they're the best one, diminishing returns. How many photos of Spider-Man do we really need? One once. Exactly. The only reason.

One photo. The only reason that J. Jonah Jameson keeps getting them is because he kind of hates slash loves Spider-Man. So he's kind of, it's his obsession. Any other newspaper would be like, that's an absurd amount of time to spend on photos of Spider-Man. Exactly. So then other jobs he's had. So we've gone through like, you know, pizza delivery boy, too distracted. We go through like, I'm taking pictures of Spider-Man.

Again, diminishing returns. Half-assing it. So, okay, him becoming a teacher. Okay, well, it's the same. It's a pizza delivery problem, but worse. Well, because, yeah. You're in the middle of a class and you hear a police siren and your teacher's like, I gotta go. And that's it.

And the thing is, because he's too distracted. He's always thinking about what's happening in New York. Plus, at that moment in time when he becomes a teacher, I'm pretty sure the world know that he is Spider-Man. That's weird. Which then puts a target on the school's back. On the students. I guess, yeah, if you're going to do that,

go work for the X Academy or whatever. Because at least they're used to it. Wolverine's teaching you history, and his lesson is just like, yeah, I guess. I was in World War II. yeah, I guess my experience. I was in World War II. Yeah, I got bombed. That sucked.

Crazy. My hair grew back there. Yeah, it was pretty nice. Do you remember that from the start of the Wolverine? Another reference, just to you, the audience. So again, you have him being a teacher. So either he's, again, a lot goes into being a teacher. Yeah.

You need to lesson plan. You need to do so much. All right, teachers do a lot. They do heaps. And so when you have him leaving. Tell you what, they do heaps of working nine till three Monday to Friday and then complaining when they bloody get six weeks off every year. Am I right? No.

I'm anti-education. No, you're very wrong. Get rid of it all. Very wrong. So again, so you have that where like so much Goes into behind the scenes Not just the 9 to 3 Yeah Anti-education douche Um

5 8.30 to 3.30 So you have like 8 weeks All that going on Behind the scenes That he doesn't really do Because he's too busy

Being Spider-Man Plus you need to sleep Like when's he grading papers So again Like sure He might know science But again He's not really putting

The hard yards there He's not really putting the hard yards there. He's not really whole-assing becoming a teacher. So that's out. Then another job he's had is becoming a scientist, and he runs a big science lab. He should have no job that isn't Spider-Man-ing. I agree. He needs to monetize Spider-Man. Because again, the reason the lab stuff falls apart is because I'm pretty sure Octavius,

when he controlled his body, built it. And then when he inherited it, I think it was like Parker Industries. Again, he spends, he doesn't whole ass it again. He spends too much time trying to be Spider-Man. He spends too much time doing that, that he kind of neglects the work. And he's like, I'm in the red?

Oh no. Well, that also happens in the Spider-Man PS4 game. He's interning with Octavius Octavius and he's every time Octavius a mission starts

because Octavius is like where are you Peter yeah you're late yeah he's always late he's always late he's not reliable

he gets dumped because of it terrible don't even get me started on him as a partner oh yeah horrible horrible

so either he needs to have a much better work ethic, he needs to either just figure out how he can monetize being Spider-Man or how he can be his own boss and monetize himself through that. So I have some ideas of how, because the question- Just quickly, I mean, I feel like we've spelt it out to the audience, but the question that we asked at the start of the episode, hang on, why is Spider-Man poor, is because he has a terrible work ethic and is spreading himself too thin yeah but

here luckily peter parker if you're listening we've got some solutions yeah well i yeah see i interpret the question why is he poor because he could be so rich yeah he could be or at least don't be so rich he could at least have a comfortable i think he could be very rich oh same sell out that's what he needs to do. Sell out to big brands, big companies. Disney, put it on his back, be Disney man. Whatever. Doesn't matter. That's your advertising space.

All of New York is looking at you all the time, Spider-Man. Okay, so. Shit. Got one issue. I'm listening. It's going to be something that will affect most superheroes. And I know that there's probably edgy Mark Miller comics or whatever. I don't know.

I'm taking potshots at Mark. He's done nothing to wrong me. Some of his comics aren't good, but hey, who has a hundred percent success? Some of my podcasts are very bad. Anyway, sorry,

Mark, if you're listening and I know you probably are. He is. Apart from like comics where like, they're like, oh, these superheroes have sold out in advertising in the world of Spider-Man or a Batman or whatever.

Vigilantism is still illegal. Like Spider-Man is not loved. Like New York loves him. New York loves him. Some of New York loves him. Correct. Which means that like he can be like, hey, I want to do a corporate sponsorship.

Disney's like, we are not going to put Disney on the back. Don't want to associate Disney with Spider-Man. Yeah, vigilante. But surely some companies will. Maybe not Disney. Well, no, because then what happens is well okay I gotta pay Spider-Man

yeah what's your bank details you just do it in cash because then it's like once you have your details and then if Spider-Man is ever you know what type of ads

you're gonna start getting on Spider-Man in Europe I think and I'm so sorry to interrupt but it's gonna be like play this game for 30 seconds

and you'll come dick pills that's what Spider-Man is gonna land in front of the rhino and he'll be like don't let your girlfriend see you play this game for 30 seconds and you'll come. Dick pills. That's what Spider-Man will land in front of the Rhino. And he'll be like, don't let your girlfriend see you playing this game. Thwip, thwip. And then that's how he'll, you know. Oh, no, it's Pornhub, man. Yeah.

Yeah. That's money, though. Except Pornhub is a legitimate website and a legitimate business. So Spider-Man isn't. So it'd be worse. It'd be bootleg versions. Again, I just, because the moment Spider-Man has to accept pay, they need to have a bank details, right, and bank account.

So if Spider-Man is ever implicated in a crime, the people who are looking into that could go to his employer, i.e. Disney or Pornhub or BigDickPills.com and have a warrant to find out his identity to then charge him. What about if he did it with crypto? Well, see, this is my idea. I think he should just mine crypto. What?

No, he's right. Yeah, shut i'm right okay so what gives spider-man the advantage of mining crypto over john q marvel i'll tell you but he he's gotta he's gotta reveal his identity wow he sues oscorp for access to Oscorp computers, mines crypto through Oscorp's computers. Yeah, so step- I'm skipping step one of that plan, because what? But two and three is pretty much what I had in mind, yeah. Because he's already doing a double identity thing, and he's clever, and good with computers. He's great with machines. Yeah, yeah, he does machines. He's got a spider drone or whatever.

Crawl into the system. Anyway, go into the basement. Set up all the computers. Mine crypto at your workplace. But he's doing that as Peter Parker. Kind of like double life that Peter Parker and Spider-Man have, but it's Peter Parker and crypto Peter Parker. Are you suggesting he gets rid of the Spider-Man? No, no, no. So Spider-Man have, but it's Peter Parker and crypto Peter Parker. You're suggesting he gets rid of the Spider-Man?

No, no, no. So Spider-Man goes around New York. He's like, I'm going to save you, citizen. Looks in and sees an unattended computer. Breaks in. Mines crypto. Fills his crypto wallet. Yeah.

So Spider-Man saves you from a burning building. He's going to the moon. Holds, holds, holds, pump and dump. Spider-Man saves you from a burning building. Here's it's going to the moon. Holds, holds, holds, pump and dump. Spiderman saves you. He's like, thank you. What do I owe you? I guess it's pump, hold, hold, hold, dump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm like Spiderman, what do I, I gotta get, I would love to thank you for saving my life.

He's like, give me access to your computer. 20 minutes. Yeah. Like why? He's like, I can't tell you. He mines crypto from my house. Oh! Yeah. I'm onto why? He's like, I can't tell you. He mines crypto from my house. Oh yeah. I'm onto another thing. That's a similar. So.

Yep. Daily bugle. Buy as far as his vitamin. No one gives a shit. You know, people give a lot of shit about NFTs. Okay. What has happened to you?

Spell Spiderman photos as NFTs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, you can just mint them. Have you become a crypto boy? I think I'm anti-crypto just because I think it's stupid,

much like stocks. So I think I just learned a lot about it out of spite. I don't know. Anyway, I don't know what happened to my brain. I think I just got real angry at Elon Musk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He makes me angry to look at. Yeah, he's an angry looking man.

Well, to look at. Yeah, he's an angry-looking man. Well, to look at, yeah. He's not angry-looking. The way that New York reacts to Peter Parker is kind of like how sometimes we react to Elon. Well, yeah, we as in the people in the room. Unfortunately, the world doesn't despise him. They should. Shockingly. Yeah, so non-fungible tokens.

Just mint some for his photos, sells them online. Rich. Easy. Because they're rare. Yeah. What about, no, easier. Much easier. Okay.

That's fine. And it's still crypto. Oh, good. Thanks, God. He makes his own Spidey box. Oh, my God. Spidey coins. A Spidey coin.

So he starts his own crypto. Oh, my God. He's Spider-Man. It's traceless. It's traceless. He's Spider-Man. It's traceless. It's traceless. He's Spider-Man. It's spider coins. Yeah.

Spidey coins. Spidey, spider, spider. And also this is the thing with crypto. Yeah. You can easily inflate the market just through. He's Spider-Man. He only needs to do is be on the news for saving the day and mention Spidey coins. And he was like, yeah, I heard people have started Spidey coins. This is the whole thing.

Like it's unmanaged or whatever. And he can imply that he didn't start it. Yeah, yeah, exactly. People like, I got to get on these Spidey bikes. He stopped this bomb blowing up my car or whatever. Yeah. What better thing to base your currency on than the exploits of Spider-Man? Yeah, exactly.

The Spider-Man dollar. That's where the money is. With this, it can inflate. Yeah. Not with him just going on being Spider-Man dollar. That's where the money is. And with this, it can inflate. Yeah. Not with him just going on being Spider-Man. He's setting up passive income. By doing his job, i.e. saving people and punching the rhino in the face, he is making money.

Although he does risk fighting Green Goblin and someone calling it cringe. Yeah, that's true. And his coin plummeting. Or, you know, like in when he's Spider- plummeting. Or, you know, like in, in when he's Spider-Man no more. Yeah.

Oh no. He's like, I'm giving it up. Crash. He takes the Spidey coin. Well, that's, well,

he has to sell and then it has to be Spider-Man no more. Yeah. Crashes. He buys it up and then he becomes a Spider-Man again. Brilliant. Rich. People say, actually it was based,

not cringe. People will turn around and the whole thing. Brilliant. Rich. People say, actually, it was based, not cringe. People will turn around and the whole thing. I'm 30. So the Spidey coin, that's a way. Spidey coin, I like it. It's not the worst way. Especially if you combine it with NFTs. Again, you kind of want passive income for Spider-Man

so that he could be Spider-Man full time. So he could spend a little bit of time setting this up and having the infrastructure there, which shouldn't take up too much of his time. Starting a crypto is easy. Do you think that this in any way kind of contradicts or goes against his great power comes great responsibility? Well, yes. Yes, it does.

Big time. Yeah. It's kind of insider trading. Yes, it is insider trading. It's a little unpetite. If you were to look at that. Not to mention the damage to the environment. If someone was to open a dictionary after these events

and it said insider trading, it would say, see the Spidey coin debacle. A young Peter Parker made Spidey bucks. Unbeknownst to everyone He himself was Spidey Well How is that any different If Peter Parker says I'm making Spidey bucks To taking photos of Spidey

And selling them Ethically it's the same He's in the clear Photos are made of paper Paper is made of paper. Paper is made of trees. You can get creamed. What if he robs one bank? He's allowed one bank, gets rich,

Spider-Man's the rest of the time. And I know, I'm sure this would have come up in Plumbing the Death Star. And if it hasn't, it's about to. That, Jackson, sounds oddly familiar to a scenario you often find yourself in and wanting people to side with you, which is how many good deeds do you have to do before you can eat a baby

orangutan? Yeah. Well, and that's one example. For anyone who hasn't heard, it's pretty much what I just said. Jackson is obsessed with the idea to the point where he's basically calling us at three in the morning being like,

Hey, all right. Okay. What if I did this? Why is my voice? All right, I've been smoking for hours. How many cigarettes do I have to smoke before it's legally okay for me to baby gorilla?

What? Jackson, go to bed. I've got to smoke more cigarettes. Okay, I'll call you back. No, no, no. He's talking up. He's going to call me back. I can't go to sleep now.

So I think it comes down to great power, great responsibility. He's just not going to call me back I can't go to sleep now So I think I'm awake I'm up It comes down to Great power Great responsibility And that He's just not going to do that I honestly think

When you first said Fireman Yeah I think that would be A very good job For Peter Parker It's not going to be A high earner for him

No But it's going to be A decent wage Yeah And it can at least Be something that he would Take pride in Because even though

A Spider-Man Like a regular spider Isn't fireproof He does have Spider sense True Like a regular spider Like a spider-man like a regular spider isn't fireproof he does have spider sense like a regular spider but unlike a regular spider spider-man is quick and can fall i can move around and not get hit by like getting paid cash in hand in your scenario here well no because he's becoming peter parker oh he's just peter parker he's just peter parker a fireman yeah and so he's using his spidey sense and also going in dangerous situations where people will be like, oh, I'm not following him.

That seems crazy. But he always saves the day. Always saves the day. By swipping. And everyone's like, hang on. Well, he doesn't need to swip. Or if he does, he can be like, this would be a very good tool for the fire department to have, especially if you can make one that's a bit more fire retardant. Yeah, maybe he's got like a thing where he can like plug into the hose.

Yeah. Instead of putting water out, he puts out web. Yeah, and if it's kind of like basically... Why do you look so... Sorry, Joel Zamp. Look how fucking proud he looks because of that idea. What are you... Why did that take... So you mean like a fire extinguisher that shoots out like...

You mean just like a fire extinguisher? Well, I was imagining he had like a little tube on his wrist. Yeah. It made you so happy. He stabs into the pipe so no one knows. Why does he need to do that? So the people don't know he's Spider-Man. What do you mean stabs it into the pipe?

And what is he doing? Stabbing what? Why did you look so... Oh, did you look happy because you got away with a maniac comment? Why were you so smug when you reinvented a fire extinguisher? So he's got the fireman hose. Yes. Okay.

And he wants to put out, water's not going to do it for some reason. Yeah, yes. Hang on. So you're saying that he's got a spike, just correct me if I'm wrong. He's got a spike in his wrist that he stabs into the hose

and that injects web from him into the hose. Yeah, and then he comes out the hose nozzle. To get the fire. What could you possibly... What? So, instead of doing it surreptitiously, because if I was standing next to someone, I'm a fellow fireman.

Fellow firemen work together. That's right. He's not alone. And if he was alone, then he could just extinguish a fire with webs Which for some reason you think is good So okay I'm a fireman

I'm next to Peter Parker He's there and I'm like man water is not enough And he's like He jams his wrist and then suddenly The host starts splurging web Which also wouldn't work Because that's not going to smother the fire Because otherwise when he's like webbed up criminals

that would kill them. Yeah. Maybe. No, but like maybe. Yeah, we don't know. Because he has to put out a fire by shooting web at it. It would have to-

But it's just about getting rid of the oxygen in the fire. Yeah. So, shut up. Yes, exactly. So Peter Parker is a smart person. Think about how much web that would be. But yeah Shut up. Yes, exactly. So Peter Parker is a smart person. Think about how much web that would be. But yeah, but this is the thing. Why is that lots of web?

What do you mean, why is that lots of web? He's an inventor. You're trying so hard, but we're going to be still thinking about it. The moment you stop, you might as well just let it happen. Okay, go. What do you mean, why is that a lot of web? Why is it going to be more web? What are you talking about?

What are you talking about? You do an even amount of web? Why is it going to be more web? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You do an even amount of web to the flame. What do you mean? What? An even amount of web to the flame? What? Are you measuring the flame? No, you eyeball it.

X amount of flame equals X amount of web. Get rid of the oxygen in the flame. All I said was it will be a lot of web, which is what that would prove. No, but it's variable. But if water's not doing the job, Jackson, and you think web is better. It's a really hot fire, I guess. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Hey, did you love Dinosaur Park?

The whole dinosaurinosaur Saga even? Well, did you know that just as the Joles wrap up their adventures in the vast reaches of space, a brand new adventure has begun? On the very same night that the Joles entered Dinosaur Park, Jackson's good friends Adam and Cash found themselves trapped in Dinosaur Land, Jackson's nightmare of a theme park. If you want to be part of the next chapter of the Dinosaur Saga, then head to SandsPantsPlus and for as little as $10 a month

you gain access to Dinosaur Park 2 Dinosaur Land, as well as literally an arseload of other content. Once again, that's SandsPantsRadio.com forward slash plus. Head there now. The adventure continues. So you do know that there's fire extinguishers that don't just

it's not just water in them. I know, I know. There's like know that there's fire extinguishers That don't just There's not just water in them There's like foam All the different types for different situations So spiders, Peter Parker He's a very smart person, very good inventor You look at like say Back to what he was saying before You look at like say Ben Reilly

The clone of the Scarlet Spider He invents something called impact webbing So like impact bullets. So basically like he fires his impact bullets. They hit like say a venom. Yeah. And then suddenly there's so much webbing. It's like in case.

So Peter Parker is a smart man. Yeah. He could help the fire department by inventing these things that are easy to carry around. Yeah. Which you could huck onto a fire. It would burst and then would explode, and then hopefully cover the fire and suppress it. So, he could be working for

the fire department in terms of their R&D. Yeah, probably. Probably a lot of web. It probably varies. It's probably a lot of web. Just from that story, it sounded like that was a lot of web. A lot of web in those little bullets.

So for example, he could be like, okay, I manufactured these things. Instead of them shooting like sticky web, it just kind of explodes out. And it's like foam. It's basically anything that's basically fire type. So it's like, okay, let's just do that. And let's improve. And so what if a crime happens? What do you mean?

Oh, wait, while he's fighting a fire. While he's fighting a fire. Well, I guess it's the same thing that would happen if like he was fighting a, it depends. Cause Spider-Man has, would have absolutely been in that situation before. Where like, say he's stopping like someone who's stolen someone's handbag and then there's a car on fire with kids in it. He will be like,

look, I'll just web the handbag away for a second. Like do that. And then turn. Yeah. But it's Peter Parker. And this is the problem. He needs to prioritize. And he's then turn. Yeah, but it's Peter Parker. And this is the problem. He needs to prioritize.

And he's to realize- He's wearing a fireman outfit just wear your Spider-Man clothes underneath it, it's sorted. Yeah, but then he's Spider-Man still. But then he's still Spider-Man. Yeah, but chances are when you're putting out a fire,

like a big fire, a fire that has required firefighters, chances are there's not a worse crime currently happening that Spider-Man would be there to stop. Well, I don't know about that. Yeah, I don't know about that either. What about a mugging?

Someone with a gun? I'd let it happen. See, I think that Spider-Man should let those things happen if he's dedicating his time to being a firefighter. You think he should retire being Spider-Man and become a firefighter full time? Yes. Because, again, he's using his power. He's using his, you know, with great power. Because, again, he's using his power. He's using his, you know, with great power comes great responsibility.

So he's using his powers there in a responsible way of helping out the community. Then he's using his brain power of inventing to then utilize that to help fight fires. Yeah. And utilizing this so it kind of would revolutionize firefighting. What if as another option? But the problem of course does happen if there is a crime happening he'll want to go stop it. He's distracted. He's like a dog sticking his head out the window looking for crime.

He's like, oh, I gotta go stop that mugging happening. And currently with a jobless Peter Parker, if he doesn't turn up oh no, the job that he doesn't have doesn't get done. But if he doesn't turn up, oh no, the job that he doesn't have doesn't get done. He doesn't turn up at the fire department. So maybe I'm giving him even more great responsibility that he's just fucking up. Because again, he needs to whole ass it.

Sorry, I'm just quickly doing some maths here. Because I think this is going to be important. Because firefighters don't get paid that much. How much do firefighters get to pay? 70k is the average. 70k? Look, that's better than me. Well, yes. Us heroic podcasters How much do firefighters get to pay? 70K is the average. 70K? Look, that's better than me. Yeah. Well, yes.

Us heroic podcasters don't get paid as much as people that put out actual fire. I agree. Yeah, you're right. I'm anti-firefighter too. But I'm just saying, like, look, that's a pretty decent wage. Maybe I'm anti-all emergency services. Take care of yourself. Yeah, fair enough.

It's like Spider-Man sort them out. What about this? What if it was understood that, so Spider-Man has to reveal his secret identity to the mayor, say. Yeah. But it's understood he's a civil servant. Spider-Man gets a wage from the city for protecting the city. That's nice and simple, right?

He goes to the mayor. I'm going to protect the city. I'm Spider-Man. They're like, we got rhinos, so that's fair. that's fair put your mask back but the problem is and you have some people who are like say irate at the city yeah now we'll take it out on spider-man therefore causing more problems well he'll just have to deal all right yeah i'm just saying it might be say bad for the city yeah or bad for the mayor because if you're like like, I know who Spider-Man is. The biggest sparker. I know who Spider-Man is.

Studio apartment in New York. Yeah. Cheapest apartment you can get. Studio apartment. Yeah. For rent or buy? Rent. Okay.

It was 70K Australian a year. Okay. Sorry, for the firefighter. The rent that he would have to pay on average was 36,000 US dollars. Okay. And then probably about times 1.2 ish for the conversion rate.

So you're looking at just under $45,000 a year. Just on rent? Just on rent. So that's half his salary. That's a firefighter? That's a firefighter salary. And that's a studio apartment in New York if he's looking at a one bedroom

one it goes up to probably closer to like 50 to 60k yeah I think Spider-Man's just gonna have

to break a few eggs and do some stuff that's not super above board just so that he can keep

Spider-Man whether that's a protection racket whether that's what if so you know the guy who

invented what if he just sides with Kingpin that's some money do a little mob work okay okay what about the guy who invented- What if he just sides with Kingpin? That's some money. Do a little mob work. Okay, okay, okay. What about the guy-

What's the difference between a Spider-Man working for the mob and an FBI agent going undercover? Exactly. The FBI agent doesn't get paid, but the money the FBI agent gets, I don't think he gets the- Yeah, but Spider-Man gets the money, but then he still can rat out on the mob or whatever. Yeah, I suppose. Two wrongs don't make a right. Does an FBI agent who is undercover get the money they get

for dealing drugs? No. Where's it go? It's evidence, surely. Yeah, but it's going into your bank account. You'll break your cover if they find out what you did with it. No, but as in like a good... And plus you'd have to use some of that money to live.

Yeah, but I feel like this is probably where the undercover... It's where I feel like the police force may fall down a little bit when it comes to behind... You know, the board... What's it called? Corruption? Yes. But no.

Yeah, I feel like some of this stuff would have to be above board, but then you have to do stuff that's not above board. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if Spider-Man's working for Kingpin, it's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah some of this stuff would have to be above board, but then you have to do stuff that's not above board. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Spider-Man working for Kingpin, it's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, goodbye. Alternatively. Yeah.

And I think it makes a lot of sense. Yeah. Spidey coins. Yeah, I think we hit the... Wow. Before you settle on Spidey coins, may I remind you of the person who may have worked for NASA, but the person who invented the super soaker. Okay. So just a spider toy that shoots the webbing out

and you market it solely to kids. Yeah. Sell out your patent, make billions. Yeah, he would. Invest that money into Spidey coins. Same issue that Jackson has, though. What? I feel originally, the original problem of getting sponsorships.

Oh, right. So I don't know if a kid's toy line would necessarily love Spider-Man at points. Depending on where in the school. It's Peter Parker. But people loathe Peter Parker. It's Peter Parker inventing a gun or whatever that shoots Spider-Man. Parker inventing a gun or whatever that shoots spider web.

To be like, he comes in to say like a dragon den situation. The dragon den, love your idea, but your face cannot go anywhere near. Put a bag on it. Christ. Oh my lord. Put a bag on that face. And then he gives it to Moose Products,

some kid's toy developer. So you're saying Peter Parker, coincidentally, in this theory, coincidentally just makes a toy that resembles the web shooters that Spider-Man... Yeah, because I'd be like, well, I saw Spider-Man, and then you could have I saw Spider-Man on the TV, and then I was like, that looks cool.

I'm going to make my own. What if I made my own? I did. I spent all this time and energy researching and developing, maybe because I don't know if Spider-Man did it by invention or by I spent all this time and energy researching and developing. I don't know if Spider-Man did it by invention or by... Born that way? Born that way. I don't know.

I'm just a humble Peter Parker New York man making my inventions in my garage. I'm a rags to riches story. And here I am making this. So let's utilize that for kids toys or to the military. Either way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoever wants it. Think bigger, Peter Parker.

Make rhino suits for children. I don't think he made the rhino. But he could figure it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's easy. What about if he was like a phone sex worker? Like as he's swinging through the city, he's also getting you off. Okay.

So, cool. But what do you think that's going to sound like on the other line to the other person? Um. Hey, stop that, crook! I'm taking my dick out. Rhino, you bastard! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm jerking off, I'm jerking off. And then on top of that, you're just going to go

Sounds really windy when you ask. Yeah, I'm fucking Spider-Man, I'm flipping through the city. Also, he's very openly Spider-Man! Is that Spider-Man. I'm flipping through the city. Also, he's very openly Spider-Man. Is that Spider-Man? Yeah. Do I get talked off by Spider-Man? Here you go.

Have you ever wanted to fuck Spider-Man? Yes. Call 1-800-FUCK-SPIDERS. And this time you'll find out you are here to fuck spiders. Hey, I'm on top of the Chrysler building Let's do this really quickly I can see the vulture, he's like two blocks away Alright let's get you off buddy

Okay yeah here I am in my mask Where do you want me? I do that reverse kiss thing that you saw me do In the newspaper but I'm sucking your I'm sucking your balls off It's pretty good I got the sucking power of a spider. It's real rough.

Sounds like your web shooter's not working properly. Yeah, shut up! Have you come yet? No. Vultures. You fighting the vulture? I'm gonna have to call you back. Are you fighting the vulture or actual vultures?

I heard a call. Was that a bird or the old man doing a bird call? Are you getting off or not? I'll kill you, Spider-Man. Not really. Okay, what about this? What about this? So Spider-Man straps a GoPro to his head.

Somehow they organised that so it links to the internet. You can pay per view of watching him swipping around New York, Bifford and the Vulture. I so thought you were going to go like the OnlyFans round. Pay per view. He's got no pants on. You pay money, he looks down. Oh, Spidey hog.

Alternatively, you just go into the city and look up. What about, what about, okay. He's so Alternatively, you just go into the city and look up. What about... It's a tiny, you can't see anything. I think I just saw his balls, but I can't tell. Okay, how about this? No balls. So, again, same thing. Webcam on his head, attach it to the internet.

He's got a Twitch channel. Yeah, great. He's streaming. He's streaming. He's streaming. Look down at your balls or whatever. I'm not looking at our balls. That goes against Twitch's TOS. Sorry. So, yeah. So, what about whatever. I'm not looking at your balls. That goes against Scrooge's TOS.

So yeah, what about that? So he's like, hey, and... Although that could be exploitative, because like, five bucks and I'll punch Vulture in the back of the neck. I like the idea that he's beating up Venom and chat's just full of poggers. F's in the chat for Venom. They've rung the bell, F's in the chat. Yeah, wow.

But also, Spider-Man probably sees real-life people die. I don't know if Twitch is ready for that. Yeah, that's true. That's fair. Maybe it should be. Imagine the classic scene in Spider-Man 1 where he's got a pick between Mary Jane and the boss full of kids or whatever.

And he's like, start a poll. Start a poll. Start a poll. And everybody poll. Start a poll. Start a poll. And everybody's, you know, just goofing off in chat. Both die. Yeah. Damn it, chat.

He flips up. Put down. I'm not naked. You're showing my balls. You got a lump, so. Yeah. He's getting around those guidelines. He's getting around those.

Yeah, he's figuring it out. Yeah. Well, I feel like that if you're Peter Parker and you're poor, it's kind of your own fault at this point. I think we've given Peter Parker. Peter Parker's listening out there, sitting on top of the Chrysler building, five vultures. He's changed out of the J.J. and Jameson podcast.

Yeah. Just the facts of J.J. and Jameson. That is another reference for you, the audience. Yes, you. What's this Plummy the Death Star podcast that seems to be talking about my financial situation? That seems rude. Let's listen to that. But now here you are at the end, Peter Parker.

We know your identity. Hey, Peter Parker, you're a fictional character in our world. Are we fictional characters in your world? How are we doing a podcast if that's the case? Playing ourselves? That's weird. We're going to give him a lot of options.

Unfortunately, a lot of them either make you give up being Spider-Man, so you have to hold an actual job and actually have some responsibility. Put some time into it, yeah. Otherwise, you Spidey-bucks. Yeah. The problem is a lot of these initial investment stuff, Spider-Man has to have the initial capital, which you just don't have. Yeah.

And again, I just think, I think Spider-Man, because again, for Spider-Man, he just, he doesn't have what it takes. No. He just doesn't. He doesn't have the right stuff. Fuck, that's brutal. Damn.

Damn. You know, you sometimes hear pieces of the shit being like, you know, just porous. It's a state of mind. Yeah, yeah. You need to really focus on it. But for Peter Parker, I think it is. I think it is the only time it is correct. Because Peter Parker, he could be living the high life.

He could be helping himself out. He could be helping him and his aunt out. But he's not. What about this one final alternative? We haven't thought of this. So Peter Parker is always poor. He gets a very successful company, thanks it poor again.

Maybe it's part of his power set. He got the financials of a spider. Yeah, I need no money. No spider's rich. Strength of a spider, spider sense of a spider, and the financial sensibilities of a spider. What does a spider need?

A spider need web? I make my own web. And fly. I catch them. That does a spider need? A spider need web? I make my own web. And fly. I catch them. That's all I need. I think Spider-Man's as poor as a spider is and I don't think

that's his fault. Yeah, that's true. It's the radioactive spider's fault. Yeah. We're sorry, Peter Parker. Yeah, we're sorry for giving you shit.

Sorry about that, buddy. Yeah. So maybe it isn't your fault. It's the spider's. Yeah. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

And I've been Joel. Spider- been Jackson. And I've been Joel. Spider-Man, Spider-Man has the financial skills of a Spider-Man. Can he buy anything? No, he can't. He's poor. Damn, that is a poor Spider-Man. This is a terrible idea. Why have I done this?

We're Scaredy Boys. The premise is ridiculous. Hi, I'm Damien Robb. Welcome to Scaredy Boys, a weekly podcast where three cowardly friends discuss horror movies. My mum was weird about what movies we watched. I was a coward as well, so I was like, we've got to enforce the law, mum. I think I've watched three horror movies in my time.

One of them by choice. For a big old coward, I have seen a weird number of horror films. Each week, we'll watch a spooky movie. I want to take this up to both of you. Those of you who are like, oh, thrillers aren't horrors. Fuck, they are. They are for us. Try not to piss our pants.

Were we scared? Oh, easily, yes. Yeah, big time. Is he going to die? I'm a scared man. My hands were pretty much covering my face the entire time. Yeah, at what point did you just give up? Early.

And then figure out how the hell we'd survive. I'll punch a nun. No questions asked. I will ban myself to a malevolent entity if it means I'm safe. I've never been so arrogant in my cowardice. I'm going to light a fire. You say it like it's a revelation. I'll punch a grandma in the face if it's between us and dying.

Join me and my good pals Tom Reid and Sean Carney on this haunting adventure. Scaredy Boys, available at SantsPantsRadio.com, Acast and anywhere you listen to podcasts. I'm not getting fingered by any ghosts.