Plumbing the Death Star - Hey Idiot! How You Gonna Save Christmas?

Episode Date: December 23, 2018

Where we ask the hard hitting question like Hey Idiot! How You Gonna Save Christmas?Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website https://bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube https://youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: https://twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: https://twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: https://twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, we love you. Hey, you want the perfect gift? Well, this Melbourne International Comedy Festival, I'm going to be hosting a quiz show called Big Deal. And it's basically going to be the greatest, but somehow most unpleasant quiz show you've ever had the privilege to suffer through. It'll star a whole dirty bunch of Sands Pants people and comedians,

and it'll also be, in many ways, what I imagine hell to be like. Tickets are available from our website, sandspantsradio.com forward slash live, so get in while the getting's good. Hey, everyone, and welcome to a very special Christmas edition of Plumbing the Death Star. That's right, it's a Christmas day. Merry Christmas.

Where we ask the important questions like, hey, idiot, how are you going to save Christmas? Christmas. Am I the idiot? Yes, of course. The classic situation, Santa crashes into your house or whatever. Dies. And he's going to be like, gonna be like hey joel or other hey joel jackson how are you gonna save christmas hey joel also joel and uh the not joel how are you gonna save christmas so is it the three of us together yes are we together or are

we apart well uh do we want to go together first so that if you guys have got any nefarious plans to save Christmas by going rogue? I'd love to hear them. For the classic situation, Santa can't do it. We've got to do it in his stead. Yeah, he's dead. I wouldn't know where to begin. It's great if you imagine all of us just sitting around

like the nice roaring fire, drinking eggnog. We're like, you know what? This has been a really nice... Hey, idiots! He's got to save Christmas! He vomits up blood into his beard and dies. Well, that explains the question because, hey, idiots! How are you going to save Christmas?

I'm like, what? Can I call the cops? That's my first go-to. So we're going to call the cops. Look, a man has just died in front of me. I'm calling the hambos. But he's clearly Father Christmas. Is he? Yes, and he was not a flying slave. Yeah, look, you're full of Christmas cheer.

I'm full of nothing but skepticism. I'm calling the Ambo's. Can you explain to me, so Santa's slave and 12 reindeer have crashed into our lounge room. Yep. Can you explain? They hit the fire. One of the reindeers is singed. Can you explain to me what situation this is?

I can't. That's why I'm calling the ambos. And maybe, like, I don't know, is there an emergency vet? Because I'm like, look, we have a dead fat man in a suit and several injured deer. I would like to snip the phone line. Boys, we got a safe Christmas. It's what Santa wanted.

It's good if you imagine you just gently hanging off the phone. Oh, okay. Imagine services, what's your emergency? Ah, yeah, um, abandon us, sir. And a bearded bee. I guess another prank Christmas call. So I don't know, because the difficulty is that Santa is magic and we are not. Well, okay, so presumably I have somehow come to grips that magic is real that Santa is magic and we are not.

Presumably I have somehow come to grips that magic is real and Santa is real and I have to be like, put on his suit. Try that. See if you get magic. That's a good first go-to move. I'm dressing a dead fat man. What if it's just a homeless man? Well, that's on you. What if the cops come? What if you

trace the call and they're like, something's wrong. They rock up. You're putting on his clothes. I'm putting on a dead come? What if you, like, call, they trace the call, and they're like, something's wrong. They rock up. You're putting on his clothes. I'm putting on the dead man's clothes. I'm like, ah, look. Like, did you do this? No. It's hard to say no.

No, it is easy. Like, did I crash his sleigh into my house? Desecrating the dead also. Oh, no, that's, yeah, he did that. He did do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crime. He is guilty of that crime.

Okay, so Santa Claus is dead in front of us And how are the reindeer? Are they just stroppy? Yeah just upset Cut Cut about the whole situation They're like Well first of all I guess move one

Step one is getting the sleigh going Alright well step one is I'm gonna go to the kitchen And find some carrots for them reindeers Step one I'm gonna rug up To be kitchen and find some carrots for them reindeers. Step one, I'm going to rug up, to be honest. We're going to be high up soon. Yeah, look. Yeah, how does a sleigh go?

Do you remember the reindeer's names, actually? It's probably a good question. Dancer, Prancer. Donner. Blitzen. Blitzen. I almost said Brazes. Comet and Cupid.

Did you nearly say it? Brazes the porn. On Brazes. What? Brazos the porn On brazos What? On brazos On porn hub On you porn On axe hamster

I liked it Because we don't know The reindeer's names We'll say them out of order And presumably That'll kick into gear The wrong ones Rudolph

Rudolph Rudolph Starts flying But we have not left. There's a lot of stuff here. I feel I'd be the first one to go, right, we need some order here. I'm going to go get a bag of oats or something from the cupboard. I'm going to look after them deers.

You do something else. And I'd be like, first off, I'd go get some food for the deers. And maybe I'd quickly Google names of reindeer. Mistake number one, leaving me and Jackson with a magical sleigh. I would be, my first move as Zemmik is after that, I'm like, let's get it out the window. Throw a chair out the window to smash it and wedge the sleigh out.

I like the idea that you come back with a bag of oats. Like, hey, it turns out I actually did have these bag of oats and you just see the sleigh crash through the wall. Oh, guys. Or like that classic Christmas image of the sleigh silhouetted against the moon. You know what? Fuck.

I'm going to go find the Grinch. You've just made yourself a villain. I just like to imagine the same silhouette against the moon and the sleigh, but the reindeer's, like, in a knot. Just hanging underneath. All right, fine. Now you've got your antagonist.

Me with a dead Santa body finding the Grinch. That's good because that's me and Duscha flying elegantly over the city. You get in your car, chuck the dead Santa body in the passenger seat. Oi, Google, Google, where's the Grinch? Grinch locations in my area. That's good because you can make the Grinch? Grinch locations in my area. That's good because you can make the Grinch has like that tricked out motorbike sleigh that you'll end up with. That's good. But easy for us to fight.

Hello, emergency services, police, please. Yeah, there's a Prius with a dead man in it. That's good if as we're flying. Oh, the one Prius in all of Australia. The one Prius with a dead man in it in all's good if as we're flying. Oh, the one Prius in all of Australia. The one Prius with a dead man in it in all of Australia. Good luck. My first move while we're in the air, Jake.

Wait a second, you don't even know I'm gone. He's like, yeah. Yeah, I'd be looking. I wouldn't be looking. I would be in the sack looking for presents. So good luck calling the cops on me, dickheads. In my head, I'd be like, I, for helping save Christmas,

should get one present. Right? Right, yeah. be like, I, for helping save Christmas, should get one present. Right? Right? Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, 100%. You deserve it. You've been good.

I'd get through it and I'd find the best ones. Oh, yeah. Does Santa deliver money ever? Ah, he should. To us, for being good boys. I'm just trying to think of the best gift to get from the sack. The sack's huge. I may get lost.

Yeah. All right. You climb in the sack. I'm just like, where is he lost. Yeah. All right. You climb in the sack. I'm just like, where is he? 10 minutes past, I'm like, oh no.

You fall in the sack. I'm hunting the Grinch with a dead sand in the front seat. Yeah. I'm presuming he's a nooter in his boxes because one of you dickheads

is probably wearing his suit. Dusha would have the coat on. I'd have the boxes on over my jeans. You know, you didn't need to take those. I figured I'd have a cold crotch for the trip.

Thought it might be magic. You might have magic underpants. He didn't. I'm hopping in the sack. Alright, good luck. I'm gonna go find the best present. Oh no, he's not coming back.

It's great to hear me like Where's he go? It's basically Dude, it's huge and here I go Jackson Jackson Um okay Yeah

Probably just drop all the presents in like a lake That's not saving Christmas That's ruining Christmas If you throw all the presents in the lake That's also funny because I drown You tip them out You're like Jackson is not turning up There he is If you throw all the presents in the lake, that's also funny because I drown. You tip them out, you're like, Jackson is not turning up. There he is.

Okay, so yeah. Sploosh. All right, okay. This is on you, JD. So you've got, you're in control of maybe some angry deer. You were kind of tied in a knot. You were tied in a knot. Jackson is missing presumed dead.

In a sack. In a sack. How are you going to save Christmas? Because you've abandoned one boy and you've lost another. Well, my go-to would be to call, I guess, someone else. I call you, Zab, and I'm like, hey, whoops. What? Where are you?

I see you've abandoned me. Jackson did it, but then I lost him. Hey, let me just put sound on the line for you. I would hold the phone to the dead corpse. I really like to imagine that you're at like a 7-Eleven. You're like, yeah, look, Grinch is not real, okay? I've been searching all over. No idea.

Hey, is there a little black book in the sleigh? Yes. Can you look up G for Grinch? Don't ask why. It doesn't appear to be the Grinch in here. Go pick up Zamet. Can you get me out of the sack, please? It's good if you imagine

I'm on the corner of High Street and Bell. You did not get far. I did not get far. I'm on the corner of High Street and Bell and people are looking. He's sleeping, leave me alone Oh fuck, I gotta get there quick He's sleeping, don't come close

I think that made him more suspicious I think it was mostly that I was a nude fat man With a definite head injury He's a little bit smooched He is bleeding. There is dried blood. I like to imagine my face pressing against from the inside of the sack like,

Boucher, help. I can't. I'm driving. It's so big in here. Climb out. I don't know where I am. Am I on speaker? Pick me up. Where is he? I'm't know where I am. Am I on speaker? Pick me up.

Where is he? I'm a corner high in Bell. He didn't get far. What? Shut up. He's under here in here. I'm going. Does he have footsteps?

Where's Jack? He's in the sack. I'm going to go pick you up. Is he fine? Jack, get me a present too. I've been good. I like to imagine it's cold in the sack I'm gonna go pick you up Is he fine? Jack get me a present too I've been good I like to imagine it's cold in the sack And I'm wearing lots of Christmas jumpers

To stay warm That's great because we've wasted two hours Of the one Of the night Of the twelve hour night To save and deliver presents to the world We wasted two hours Zama got about ten minutes from where he lives.

That's true. That's true. He was looking for Grinch's. Yeah. Ten minutes from his... What if they live in the next suburb over? Grinch's near me. Oh, this is a bakery.

I search for bread rolls near me. Look, Grinch cafe So we'll pick up Zamit Go get Zamit again So the reindeers kind of crash into the ground We have a dead man in my car problem Just leave him Or

We It depends how you feel about the car I need a newie Attach it to the back of the sleigh And then just drop it from a height Alright that's good What was that? What?

Nothing mate Have you found any good prezzies? I don't know where I am Are you warm? No it's very cold for some reason Find some Christmas pants. Okay. Bye. Footsteps off into the distance again.

Like a splash of a puddle. What was that? Where is he? Oh, excuse me. What? Excuse me, sir. Sorry. Who's he talking to? Okay, well, good. I love that we're back to square one. So I'm just going to do this expression.

All I've done now is swap Jason and Santa. Yep. Okay, I'm going to do this expression while looking at the sack. So that's a hmm, arms crossed. It's a perturbed. It's a what do you do with all these presents? Well, you've got to get them into every child's house that Santa would typically deliver to.

Honestly, I think I would probably pick up a present and then just throw it and see if it was like magic. It's great if you hug the present and it hits a highway. Causes a pileup. You're looking out the back of the... Maybe you're on your... Did it go in?

I'd be looking if there's like a dashboard, like maybe a compartment I can smack around. I'd be like on the slate, is there any hidden compartments? It's great if there's like a dashboard Like maybe a compartment I can smack around I'd be like On the slate, is there any hidden compartments It's great if it's just wood What the hell Where does he keep his at least snacks It's great to imagine you're just tearing it apart

Yeah look I might do that We're gonna have to land at some point Let's pick a house and drop That's me from inside the sack Okay let's land on an oval Last chance of... I just flashback to maybe three hours before Santa

Carina. Let's find an oval. So we can just settle down. So we don't reenact what we witnessed about a mere three hours ago. Okay, crash into an oval. And now I'm wondering, was that Santa or was that just someone in our predicament?

I look at whoever's put on the coat to see if they're getting jolly. I just imagine it's Dusha. There's no change. Well, you're a jolly guy, but also rude. Why are you looking at me? Just wondering if your beard's white. I feel sick. Just wondering if this is a Santa Claus situation.

So let's land the sleigh. Right. Get out Okay What's next plan? Zamet made you land What are we doing? Alright is there a list? There's gotta be a list

That's true Santa's gotta gnaw down nicely I'll check the pockets You'll probably find a list Yeah we'll find a list We found a list Good Kids names

That's a big list Jemima Nice I'm sure there'd be an address. Harry, nice. There'd be addresses. Santa just knows. That's why you've just got to pick a house and home.

Okay, we've got to get a phone book. That's 2018. Where do we get a phone book? I go Google. No, Google Maps won't help. I look at Yellow Page's app on my phone and huck it into the ocean. Got to get a phone booth. We'll get back

in the site. We'll stop in the street, buy a phone booth. No, no, no, we've got this. I've got Yellow Pages app on my phone and we've got a list. Now we can find children famously not in the Yellow Pages. No, but we at least have a last name. What if they're

unlisted? It's alphabetical. Ah, we're going to be doubling up. You also don't know, there's probably several, say, Jemima Smiths in the world. But this is going to be one of them.

It's a world as well. Yeah, we're just in Australia and it's three hours in. I feel like we just focus on Australia, Melbourne first. Yeah. And if we only do Melbourne,

then people are like, wow, something went wrong with Santa this year. Yeah, we're's too big Suburb We've got to pick a suburb Uh

Heidelberg Okay Let's do it We'll go to Heidelberg Alright so let's say Wait can we Make an amendment to this list Yeah

Does it say like Naughty and nice Is it like a magical pen Yeah probably Maybe quill What if I get the quill And I was right Naughty

Oh so we don't have to do Yeah That's clever Oh is this Alright For three hours deep Yeah, probably the big quill. What if I get the quill and I was right? Naughty. Oh, so we don't have to do... Yeah. That's clever. Oh, is that so? All right. We're three hours deep. Maybe three and a half now.

I've got a solution, boys. Everyone's been naughty. We can probably at least do Heidelberg. So let's just... Whilst Duscha gets the sleigh going, you can tick off every other kid as naughty. All right. Heidelberg, Melbourne.

Try to find out some statistics about it. How many kids are we going to have to deliver to? Well, in 2016 it had a population of 6,225. Alright, 6,000. So alright, let's just say, so 6,000 people. Yeah. Not all of them are going to be kids. Exactly. Some of them are going to be adults, some of them are going to be teens, some of them are going to be

you know. Is there a cut off age as well for like delivering American? 18. 18? Oh my god, that's so many kids. That was going to be like 10. Yeah, me too. 10? I'm making an executive 10 and under. No! If there's an age on that list

anyone over 10 is getting naughty. Yeah, naughty. You grew up. That's a sin. Okay, let's just stop on top of a kid's house. Yeah. All right, so first step is landing on the roof. Uh-huh, uh-huh. So we've landed on the roof.

We're like, right. Well, can we land? Well, I guess we've been landing this whole time. What's happening to the reindeer ball? That's my question. Does it just hang over the side of the house? Are there dead reindeers in there? Maybe one or two. Like a rat king.

Hey, quick question. Hey, Jackson in the sack here. How are we going to figure out which present belongs to which kid? That's my next question. You're in the sack. Is there any names on them? There are countless names on them. Alright, let's just say

Jemima Smith that's where we're at Jemima Smith I can find a gen Is that the best? It's not alphabetically organized in here Is there any magic happening if we say a name? No Damn

Alright give me the gen one If I'm trapped in there I'm just going to push it against the outside And hope one of you cuts the sack Yeah what happens if I cut the sack I might cut the sack Is that bad? Don't stab me I feel that might

I feel if we stab the sack a lot of presents are going to Come out and explode I feel like if you cut the sack It loses it's magic It's great to imagine if you cut the sack and my belly pops My belly makes a little suction You know those like if you cut the sack and my belly pops out. My belly makes a little suction. You know those, like, if you go on YouTube and you look at, like, someone squeezing a cyst? Yeah, yeah.

I feel that's going to happen, but with presents. But with Christmas cheer and presents. Yeah. I just had a quick look. No school in Heidelberg, so that's also a good start. Yay. Less children. Let's say 2,000 kids.

Yeah. All right. That sounds reasonable, yeah? Yeah. It's probably less, to be honest. There's 6,000. 6,000. Let's say 1,000 kids. Yeah. That sounds reasonable, yeah? Yeah. It's probably less, to be honest. There's 6,000. 6,000. Let's say 1,000 kids.

Yeah. And every house is going to have at least two kids. Chances are. So wrong, but all right. It's, again, great if it's my belly poking out the sack all in my mouth. It's also good if you imagine that I push my face up against the sack, so the sack is going in my mouth and it's just a wet patch where it's all coming

from. At least two kids to a house. Look, you know what? I'll agree. Yeah, that makes sense. That's 500 houses. I'm just gonna... 500 houses is easy. I'm gonna push, I'm gonna remove my belly, push a present out, and then suction my belly up again. Does that mean if you don't put

your belly there, the present will just start shooting out? Yeah, sure, too. Why don't we use that to our advantage, then? Just aim the sack at the houses. Maybe, look, it's magic, so maybe, look, it'll get there, yeah, yeah, yeah, you'll pull your belly out, and we'll just, like, shoot presses into the ether

and see what happens. Oh, no, you're just, like, on a street, you probably get, like, 10 houses from one standing position. You know what? We're doing this all the wrong way. We're doing the work. All right. Yeah.

Let's put out a mass tweet. Be like, oi, presents at this oval. Hashtag presents at this oval. Come get them. Hashtag save Christmas. Hashtag save Christmas. Hashtag help the boys save Christmas. Yeah. So then we get presumably

seven or eight people rock up. I'd go to the MCG. Yeah. And just dump all the presents there and be like, oi world, if you want it, come get them. If not, they're going to the pool. Well, what is the consequence? So now if you're being all selfish and want that present, you

are the one that looks like a piece of shit. Now you're getting it to the poor. Also funny to assume the poor don't get presents. Well, I was thinking in my head before I'm like, so Santa only delivers to good kids. He also tends to, if you're poor, like as we've seen from the Polar Express, Santa doesn't give presents to poor kids.

That's canon. Plus there's a lot of people who don't believe in Santa or who have a different religion that doesn't include Santa. So when you break it down, it's not that many people. Yeah. Maybe like 30. Yeah. Exactly.

Look, so I honestly go, let's pick a place. All right. Somewhere that, you know, hey, if it's, whatever, MCG's big. Yeah. It's a big open ground. But what time is it? Maybe the airport. Is it 3 a.m.?

It's 4 at this point. But what time is it? Maybe the airport. Is it 3 a.m.? It's 4 at this point. We have until 8, that means. We would have started it. So Santa's crashing into a house at midnight. I would say, let's say 11 p.m. Give us a bit of time. Let's say 10. 10?

So it's now 1.30, maybe 2 a.m. Here's my problem with your plans, Amit, and I like it. Again, this is the wet patch talking. I like it, but kids aren't on Twitter, all of them. Yeah. And they're certainly not up at 1.30 a.m. All right. That's great because it would just be like adults.

No, it'd be good in the morning. Wait, we can fly. Yeah. All right, let's go somewhere public okay and it'll be great in the morning when the uh kids see twitter and realize that they missed out on presents because they weren't awake well there's like enough presents in this one sack for the world all localized in the mcg wait yeah we're thinking about this so dumb so we've established the sack is magic and it's the magic sealant if you

tear it that breaks the thing inside cut the top off it in the middle of the mcg presence will literally just shoot up yeah rain's presence yeah don't worry about it yeah smashed presses smash presents probably kill a kid big big present land on small child. Goes into the MCG grounds. Great. No kids come. Guess what we've just ruined. Confiscated by the police. Boxing day test. Oh yeah, there's cricket there. I'm going to get out of the sack.

Yeah. Through my belly hole. Are you getting shot out? Yeah. How far are you going? Well, as far as I was imagining with the force of like a cannon. Me too. I was also imagining.

Also being followed by presents. Yeah, I was imagining a the force of like a cannon. Me too. I was also imagining. Also being followed by presents. Yeah, I was imagining a still on the street as well. So can I get smashed through somebody's front window? Yeah. Holding a big present in my hand. Woo! The pressure became too much. And then presents just leak into this.

All right, so you know my MCG idea? Yeah. We can't do it now because all the presents are spewing out on this street Seal the hole I'll deliver this present to the house Nothing's sealing the hole Your belly was the only thing that stopped it for a bit Is my belly magic?

Maybe It's just impossibly round I think if I appear It's also great to imagine me without a shirt on But with big Christmas pants and a Santa hat If I popped out like that into someone's house with a present I want them to think I was Santa So I'll go into the chimney

And then climb back down Get all sooty So I get sooty Like Santa is Then I'll put it under the tree How are you going to explain the broken window? Santa, I'll write a note Dear kids. Dear

kid. There's a white paper covered in soot. Soot prints everywhere. Dear to two big sooty hand prints. Dear kid, sorry about the window. I don't have insurance. Go to

hell. Enjoy this gift. I hope the present was yours. Too young. Yours. I hope the present was yours, kid. Santa. Two mid-twenties come out. We don't even have children.

What is this? Guys! I'm Santa. I'm Santa. Being in the sack Racked my brain a bit Guys these are not children They're just adults

Scarpa Jesus If I get in the panic If you just come out of the chimney Even though you never came through the chimney When you tried to run away You'd probably try and run up I'm stuck

Turns out my belly is a blessing and a curse When you tried to run away, you'd probably try and run up. I'm stuck, guys. Turns out my belly is a blessing and a curse. All right, so we go in there, have to rescue you from a chimney. All the while, presents are spewing out on that street. Or faster. We come out. Cars are being, like, in the road, smashed by GIFs. Police have arrived at this point,

because the mid-20s couple that live there would absolutely call the police, because this is just a home invasion. Let's just get back in the sleigh. We've dumped out my car with the dead's claws in it. Yeah, yeah. That's in an oval. That's in an oval. That's in an oval a while away.

We will definitely get done in animal cruelty because of the reindeer knot. The reindeer king we made. Alright, so let's quickly get into the sleigh. Back in the sky. I have to plug the hole with my belly front ways this time. You're pushing out. You've got to go from the inside.

Or we're going to leave a trail. Or what will happen is you're going to push yourself over the hole. Or just hot presents in the belly. Me holding onto it with you.

Presents falling off the side as we fly off. Hurry up, guys. I'm bruising. Get back in the sack. You're holding... Alright, I'm bruising! Get back in the sack! Alright, I'll get back in the sack and pop my belly.

How many presents are left? Looking out the top of the sack. Belly protruding out the gash in the side. It's smacking me in the back. My kidneys! Why was this fine before? Why is it better

this way? I'm more delicate on my back. Not true. Spines are stronger than fronts. That's true. Spines are stronger than fronts. Alright, so that was a disaster. We've crippled our good friend. Okay, so we've lost a lot of presents. I'm going back to this naughty list. But that's good that we've lost a lot of presents. I'm going back to this naughty list.

But that's good that we've lost a lot of presents because now instead of having to do a thousand kids, we probably can only feasibly do... 30. Oh, yeah, 30 at this point. So many presents were lost in the street. Let's go to a charity. Okay.

And just give them to them. And then be like, this is an anonymous gift from a Santa. Here you go. It's a Christmas miracle. It's very great to imagine like a midnight mass or whatever and everybody's going to their cars and they just see the reindeer not illuminated by the moon. Merry Christmas. It's the plumbing boy.

Fuck, you're right. We need tunes. Let's go get a, is there a speaker in there? We'll get one of those little Frosty the Snowmans that dance. And we'll get one of those cheap microphones from a shopping... Oh, yeah, I was thinking a Bluetooth speaker. Rocking around the Christmas tree on Christmas... We need to write our own song, like what Jackson was singing before.

Oh, good point. Merry Christmas, we're the Plumbing Boys. It's good if you imagine us slowly descending into a church car park And the reindeer not just crushing cars One blinking red nose And then you're like, alright, time to donate the presents That's great because it's my hair down the... Who wants a present?

You pull your belly out And then just... Hit a priest squaring the chest Merry Christmas, what an old... Yeah. In a priest's square in the chest. Merry Christmas, children. Merry Christmas, what an order. Okay, so we're losing more presents now. No, no, no. This is a donation, so it doesn't count as losing them.

Okay, so we're just going to fire them into the church. I'll say, Father Duck. I was thinking going to like, I don't know, like an actual charity. Like a Salvation Army, Red Cross or whatever. I was just imagining a church for some reason. No, but look, that's easier. They're maybe open. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

We just smash it through the stained glass windows. Oh, midnight mass. Well, it's... Or it's... By now it's like 2am, 3. Yeah, that's true. We have four, five, six... We have about five hours because 8am...

Wait, hang on. Seven really is when kids wake up. How far away, time zone-wise, is Perth? Oh, Perth's four hours. So if we quickly legged it to Perth. Let's leg it to Perth. Buy ourselves another three. It takes four hours to get there.

Ah, but we're using the speed of reindeer magic. Speed of magic. Sly. Perth. Melbourne's a bust. Okay? We killed a priest. We?

We killed a priest. Made a home invasion. There's a dead body and a priest floating around somewhere We killed a priest. Made a home invasion. There's a dead body and a priest floating around somewhere. We fucked it, boys. We wrecked it. But we can still save Perth.

I want to... Adelaide. Whoops. Who? I'd like to burst my arms. Northern Territory? Oh, well. Arms and legs

out of the sack as well. So it's belly out one hole, two arms out the top, head out the top of the thing, legs out the bottom. So you're a turtle. Yeah, but with Santa's sack. Hey, before we carry on, here's a quick word from our sponsors, maybe. Also, this Melbourne International Comedy Festival, I'm going to be hosting the game show equivalent of that YouTube video where the horse eats the baby chicken.

So grab your tickets right now from sanspantsradio.com forward slash live if you don't want to miss out. So Perth, let's drop onto our house and give it a go. Who's going down a chimney? I did it last time. Didn't work. JD, you're the one in the outfit. Maybe it'll-

How funny would it be if I tried it and it worked? Just hang on a second. Perth is a hot country. Yeah, they probably don't have chimneys, huh? Hot area. I don't know if any of them will have many chimneys in them. They might have skylights. Skylight smash through.

Skylight is basically a chimney for the sun. Yeah. It's good if I'll give you a rock and you can just smash it. Rock? We've got big presents. Smash it with like a guitar or something. Just remove your belly again. That's good.

If we just get the sack on this house and then we just have the hole in the sack on the skylight I like that we've given up all pretense of giving people the gifts that they asked for that's just not happening we've skipped the fact that there's a long line of things that we've got back to break down the basic

core of Christmas Santa delivers presents to nice children and the presents that they want we children and the presents that they want. We've scratched the presents that they want part. Santa delivers gifts to nice children. No, we skipped the nice part. Well, look. Santa had a lot of people that he said were nice.

I disagree. Well, we skipped the children part also. So, Santa delivers presents to nice people. Then we skipped the nice part. Santa delivers presents to people. Now it's... Santa delivers presents to nice people, then we skip the nice part. Santa delivers presents to people, now it's... Santa delivers presents to someone in Perth. Santa breaks house with present in Perth. Yeah, because you know I'm not going to be quick on the draw.

Oh, yeah. If we start opening your belly hole and just aim down presents, that house is getting filled. We might suffocate the family with presents. We will hear stuff smashing and a frightened, angry family, and we will have to leave again. Yeah. All right.

How are we going to do this? Well, I mean, we're pretty back on the mark, to be honest. We've got a couple more hours that we've bought by going to Perth. Yeah. We still just don't know how to get... What we want to do is like a paperboy situation. Oh, yeah. Well, what if we destroy a president every house?

Yeah. All right, yeah. Okay, we're going to go... Ah. Okay, we're going to do it right. Land on a street, like a main street. Yeah. Where it's like, you know, one continuous stretch of road.

You're going to pull in your two arms. Yeah. Presence on both sides. And we're going to aim them either the end. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. What if I... Get our little reindeer rat king to scoot along. What if I huck up the

Santa sack? Yeah. So it's like a big outfit with my arms out the side and then I walk down the street firing them into houses and you two go to the houses and make a note that says, sorry, love Santa. And you stick it to all the doors. That's one main street done.

That's too much effort. How about we just call out sorry instead? Ho, ho, ho. Sorry Christmas. Sorry Christmas. Whoops, whoops, whoops. All right, that's one main street done. That's the best we did all night. Assuming we got them into the houses, not just trees.

I assume we're shooting shooting them through some like Front windows Oh yeah killing dogs or whatever In fact we're making holes Dogs are escaping Going down the main street Being chased by like 30 dogs Dogs and cats

Basically being like We're making a lot of missing pets that Christmas day I really like that every time we land, inevitably the cops will be called. Like, there's just no getting around that. Whenever the cops arrive, I guess we gotta move on. But it's a solid strat. Yeah.

So, the cops that arrive at this situation where there is a lot of broken windows, broken presents, a lot of escaped animals, and then just like a crowd of dogs Yes Are we strong enough to If the dogs come for us

Well, we're not strong enough but the force of a present hitting a pooch is probably enough to slow it down That's true Especially a small one There's something very appealing about dogs tearing at the Santa sack as we try to escape That's bad as well, because if

they tear it, then they're going to make new holes. They're just going to fly. We're losing presents quickly. We'll run out of belly fat to plug up these holes. Okay, something else we haven't done that's a classic Santa thing that I feel like we should do

we're obliged to do is eat the milk and cookies. Otherwise, kids aren't going to know Santa was there. Somebody's got to go and eat all the milk and cookies. So, we go to Main Street. Cops are called. Cops chase after us. We then double back, go back in, and then that's where, rather than the sorry stuff,

we just run across each thing, just grabbing the food. We're sorry. You are going to be both very... I'm assuming I'm not allowed to leave the sack. You are going to be very sick. Milky bellies, both. The milkiest belly. All right, well, we've done that.

Another classic. Sometimes reindeer... My parents did this. Reindeer carrots? Reindeer carrots on the roof. Just let the reindeer ball eat them. Yeah, just let the reindeer shit out the

ball and that's enough. Look, to be honest, maybe the reindeers can help us eat this cookie and milk. Yeah, is that a good way to kill a reindeer? It's probably not a

good way to kill a reindeer, but it might be a way to kill a reindeer. Are the reindeer already dead? Rudolph, I have to assume, is alive if his nose is still blinking.

Yeah, I assume that the one... I think it's blinking, but it's dimming. Each blink is getting slower and slower, I assume that the one- I think it's blinking, but it's dimming. Each blink is getting slower and slower. I imagine what happened was that we called out the names we remembered, so they

started going and then dragged the other ones, but because it wasn't necessarily the front half or the back half, they then got tangled. So some of them, yeah, have been dragging upside down and they're not looking too well. Okay. So, we've got, say, what? Like three hours left of Christmas

until kids wake up. We've done one main street. Wrong. We've still got some presents left, though. In Perth. In Perth. One street in Perth. Okay.

Wrong. All right, boys. I've got an idea. This might not be saving Christmas, but it is an idea nevertheless. Sure. You know what's close to Perth? What's that?

Bali. Let's have ourselves a little holiday. We've earned it. Yeah. And as we go across the sea, I'll just climb out of the sack and all of the many holes from dogs, from just my tearing, it'll just all go into the ocean like you wanted to do originally in a life. It's also funny because if you do that, you might hit us because there's holes in all directions.

You're like, all right, I'm going to go. No, no, no, no. And then just present. We might get brained. Correct. Back of the head. Two little presents. And then we crash into Bali into a house.

And they're like, you got to save Christmas. Oi, idiot. Idiot. You got to save Christmas. And then idiot. Idiot. You gotta save Christmas. And then we all die. And the cycle of Christmas continues. Christmas is magical. So, how well do you think we went?

I think it's just as phenomenal. Honestly, we did just as well as the original Santa, or the original person we assumed was Santa. Santa crashed before he even delivered any presents, clearly. We at least delivered a Main Street. We delivered some presents to Heidelberg in Melbourne. Then we delivered lots of presents to a main road in Perth. We did a lot of property damage.

We killed a priest. I'd like to go through our crimes, if I could. Okay. Breaking an anteroom. Disposing of a corpse. Disposing of a corpse. Is there a crime for if you have a dead body that you didn't kill but you do nothing about?

That. Malicious intent somewhere. Yeah, and also I feel like we shouldn't have flown in. Obstructing justice. Evading the police. I know murder's a crime, but is murdering the clergy a different crime? I feel like it might be.

Is that like a crime against the Pope? Some kind of religious murder we did as well. And destroying a church, because I imagine we fired some presents through some stained glass windows. In brackets, church. Property damage in brackets, houses. Murder in brackets, priest. Yeah, animal cruelty in brackets, houses. Murder in brackets, priests.

Yeah, animal cruelty. Is ruining the MCG a separate crime? Did we get to that? Or did we end up not going there? No, we did it. We landed. Oh, good. We just decided it wasn't for us.

We were worried about the Boxing Day test. Oh, we were. Quite a few of our- Ruining the cricket ground? Quite a few of our initial plans were like, go to a place. Wait, this isn't going to work. Go to another place. Littering?

Littering, yeah, absolutely. Causing a highway pileup? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I forgot we did that. And is it a crime to pollute the ocean with lots of Christmas gifts? Yeah, okay. Definitely. I'm sure this is like an international incident.

Yeah, 100%. We've crashed our sleigh into another country. Yeah, but it's from the north. Travelling without a passport? Is that a crime? Yeah, we travelled to Bali. I didn't bring mine. We didn't go through customs or anything. Desecrating the dead? Desecrating the dead, absolutely. Animal cruelty because

of the reindeer not, but also for all the dogs we killed when they tried to chase us. I think that about covers the amount of crimes we committed. Grand Theft Auto. And Grand Theft Auto. Because we did steal a sleigh.

Yeah, Santa was never like, steal my sleigh and deliver all the presents. He just said save Christmas. I wonder what his plan was. Yeah, what did he think we were going to do? I hope he's proud of us. But you know what isn't a crime? Not saving Christmas. Oh, that's true.

Not going to jail for that, Santa. And on that note Merry Christmas everyone and have a happy new year and I hope your Christmas is as good as ours was that we saved I've been Joel and I've also been Joel and we've been new Santa

Merry Christmas boys and girls one and all I hope you get those presents shot out of a sack. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13.

I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you want to hear our other shows, you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com.

Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.