Plumbing the Death Star - Hey Idiot! How You Gonna Save New Year's Eve?

Episode Date: December 30, 2018

Where we ask the hard hitting question like Hey Idiot! How You Gonna Save New Year's Eve?Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website https://bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube https://youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: https://twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: https://twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: https://twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, I like my men how I like my coffee. Be again full of cum. Hey, are you sitting at home this New Year's Eve and getting into an argument with the wife and kids about what you're going to do this Melbourne International Comedy Festival? Well, put your woes to bed because I have a solution. It's called Big Deal and it's a nightmare quiz show hosted by yours truly and starring a whole bunch of comedians

and Sands Pants people. It's sort of like the quiz show equivalent of putting your dick into a vacuum cleaner and then all of a sudden realizing how bad an idea that is tickets are available from the melbourne international comedy festival website as well as our own website sanspantsradio.com forward slash live hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, a New Year's Spectacular, where we ask the important questions like, hey, idiot, how are you going to save New Year's Eve? Am I the idiot in question? All three of us are idiots. I'm not offended because I knew I was going to say it.

I also know I'm dumb. I guess it's New Year's Eve. So it's New Year's Eve and Father New Year. No. Baby New Year. What? Excuse me? Let me show you a picture of the fella who's crashing.

He looks drunk. Baby new year. Good, yep. Baby new year. He's crashing into our house, and he's giving us the task. Here he is. Imagine a baby in a top hat and a diaper with a sash that says new year. Also, make it look drunk in your head.

That's baby New Year. Okay. So a little baby has- First of all, what would you think? If there was like a- Like we're in here, say we're recording an episode, or we're sitting in here drinking eggnog and we just hear a- So a baby has crashed through this window?

Yes. Slammed onto the table and said, You have to save New Year. Goo goo ga ga. And then died. All right. baby has crashed through this window, slammed onto the table, and said, You have to save New Year. Goo goo ga ga. And then died. Alright, first off, I'm panicking because A, a baby just... Well, babies speak all the time.

I thought you were going to be like, baby just died. Ah, babies die all the time. That's death and birth, baby. Babies are famously easy to die. Yeah, alright, so we have a dead baby on the table. Alright, cool. I'm going to try and find that parabola arc

to see who hucked a baby at us while I'm calling the cops. That's good. You go outside and call the cops and look for wings. I'm first aid trained. I'm gonna try and resuscitate the baby. I'm checking for wings because I think it was a cherub, maybe. Jackson, this baby's dying and I can't find any wings!

I'm stealing this sash though that top hat is mine I'm gonna put the tiny baby top hat on my head and this sash which will just go over one arm or just around my neck happy new year Jackson a child is dying this is dramatic

see I think if this happens me and you Zammem, we panic. Jackson's like, I know exactly what's happening. We're going to save New Year's. Guys, it's baby New Year's. Don't just slap on his face. It's baby New Year's right here.

Maybe he's not dead. He'll be back when the New Year happens. Well, this one's dead. This one is absolutely dead. He just came in through the window. Next year, there'll be another one. So we're fine. Let me put on the sash.

What if you take the hat? What if you take the diaper? I'm crying. I am taking this a lot more to heart than a dead father clause. If we're going to do this properly, somebody's got to wear the diaper. Somebody's got to wear the sash

and somebody's got to wear the tarp hat. I'm not desecrating a dead baby and putting on a dead baby diaper. No. Well, we can just hook it onto his pants. That's when he doesn't notice. a dead baby and putting on a dead baby diaper. No. Well. We can just hook it onto his pants. That's when he doesn't notice. It's time to save New...

I've been won over somehow. It's time to save New Year's. I'm calling up an ambulance, maybe. This is going to start the same way as last episode, where we abandon you. You've just snipped the cord. We don't have a vehicle this time. Well, that's easy. I have a've just snipped the cord. We don't have a car. We don't have a vehicle this time. Well, that's easy. I have

a car. Come on, guys. We'll just get in that. Is he leaving the dead baby with Zaman? Yeah, he's called the cops. I don't want that evidence. Would you take it with you? Holy shit! In tears, I will be cradling this dead child while I call the police. I like the idea of me and you in your car,

and I'm quickly Wikipedia-ing duties of baby new year. Jackson, Jackson, what are we going to have to do? You've got to let me know, man. According to Wikipedia, baby new year quickly ages until he's elderly. Oh, no. I'm holding this dead baby. It just ages. It's a man.

I'm holding a dead grandpa. It's also good because we did hook that diaper on Zammett. Yeah, I'm like, he's going to get older, not know why. Yeah, is our task now that the three of us have to age really quickly? I think that's more of like kind of like in the Santa Claus, how you grow a beard and get fat. Okay. We're just aging quickly as a consequence.

Okay, look. Not as a goal. All right, I've now hucked the dead grandpa on the ground and I'm freaking out and I'm chasing you boys. Guys, guys, guys, it grew into a dish, dad. Sam, it's in the rear view mirror. Are you going to stop?

Yeah. I open the door. I'm like, we're getting old. Get in. It turned into a man. I watched a baby turn into a man.

But not like how you're supposed to. Not how is normal. Here's just a quick moment. So we've hooked the diaper onto Zammett's belt. Okay. You have the top hat on.

Yep. I have the sash around my arms. Am I going to get an old torso? Were you going to get an old head? around my arms Am I going to get an old torso Or are you going to get an old head Or is Amit going to get an old waist Or an old belt My belt it got old It's so wrinkly

Guys So with an old belt An old middle An old head That sucks My body is so young yet my head's so old. So now we're going to figure out what the hell we're meant to do. Guys, if we've got to save New Year, surely we just wait.

Has time slowed down? Are we not aging and that's the problem? What do we need to solve? Is baby new year basically father time? Do we need to fix time? Does baby new year become father time? Maybe. Is everything stopped?

Are we in a state of stasis? Okay. What's going on? I'm just trying to find out. Baby new year's purpose. This is good if we're all aging pulled over in a car somewhere. Sam is belt aging by the second guys this is really worrying i like this belt my middle that's where my heart is huh douche's brain oh no

oh no you're gonna get old man brain otherwise known as elzai okay baby new year's purpose varies by myth but he generally performs some sort of ceremonial duty Over the course of his year Okay well we have a night Such as chronicling the year's events Or presiding over the year as a symbol Alright 2018 What happened?

Do you remember a thing that happened this year? Were the Olympics this year? No They're every leap year Jackson Every this year? No They're every leap year, Jackson Every leap year? Yes Sounds fake, but okay One of the Logan brothers, or the Paul brothers

Went into hiding and then came back out again Alright, who do we have to tell? A mayor, I assume Baby New Year was dressed a bit like a mayor Did George Michaels die this year? George Michaels? Who's George Michaels? You mean George Michael?

Yes. I don't know. We've got to find someone to tell. Was that last? I don't know. Do we need to hold a ceremony? Do we need to hold an event? New Year's Eve party.

We're going to have a eulogy for George Michaels. Yeah. I figured that if we can tell the most people what happened this year i don't know smash bros came out of the nintendo switch look i'll just wikipedia 2018 okay see notable events what's the biggest new year's party of the year there's a lot of fireworks at the syd House Let's go there There was a total lunar eclipse in January 31st That's cool You start driving to Sydney

Speed Because we don't have much time Samit you start writing a list of things that happened this year And I'll see if I can deal with our aging body parts Gotcha gotcha gotcha And my belt I like that my head's getting older So my eyesight's getting worse.

Are we gonna crash? Depends how old my head gets. What happens if I take... Well, I was thinking it might be easier if I take the top hat and the diaper and the sash and I'll just wear them all. So my head only got like a couple of years older. But if I take it off,

will you youngify or is it permanent? I want to say I youngify, but... We might need to wait for the new year. There was a royal wedding! That's good. Keep learning, Xamit. A lot of terrible things as well. Yeah, it was not a great year,

but nevertheless, this is our duty. It was a year. As baby new year this year. Alright, so we'll try... We've got to focus on the good, yeah? Huh? We've got to focus on the good. Yeah, Huh? So we've got to focus on the good. So far, supermoon and a royal wedding.

That's pretty good. Unless you hate the royals. Ah, shit. Supermoon. Supermoon. Hey, Saudi Arabia allow women to drive in June. That's good. Saudi Arabia and women drivers. Lunar moon and women drivers. I should not be doing this. Let me put on the sash and the hat.

Alright. Here you go Alright Oh my head It is still a bit old But I feel we'll get young again That's good Do I start Hang on

Wait hold on That means your body's older than your head But your head is now also getting older But would I not start Apple made one trillion That's good Apple made one trillion Women drivers in Saudi Arabia

Supermoon Okay Will I get a baby Will I be a baby if i put them all on or do i go old oh no you're scared you're gonna restart yeah i think you might restart okay you gotta get a booster seat or i'm gonna fly out pull over get a booster seat all right i'm pulling over pull over pull over somewhere all, I'm pulling over. What? Don't pull over. Pull over somewhere. All right, I'm pulling to the service station.

Okay. Well, Phil, I need fuel anyway. I guess, damn it, you keep chronicling the year. Me and Dusha, I love that we found three good things, and one of them is that Apple is making money. Look, I skimmed it. Now I'll go a bit more. Me and Dusha will go in and we'll try and find a booster seat Is it good to bring me?

So that they can fit it for me But you're growing I am growing See if you can get many Can I walk yet? No I'm carrying you I'll get a papoose

You can get a papoose I'm wearing a papoose. Okay. Just, yeah, if you can get a papoose. That's wearing a papoose while I drive. But the airbag will hit the field. You'll be crushed. Airbags aren't soft. Okay, okay. Just get a booster system. I don't plan on crashing, though, so maybe it's fine.

That's true. All right, get a booster system. SpaceX successfully conducts its maiden flight of its most powerful rocket to date on February 6th. That's good if you're saying that from the backseat. Elon Musk did a podcast with Joe Rogan. He got high as shit. This is all good stuff. Dank Kush with Joe Rogan.

Strap me in. All right, let's go. Sucking on an icy pole. We got an icy pole and a thing A booster seat and a papoose But I put the papoose in the boot Okay that's good so that I can When we get out you don't have to carry me

You can use your hands if we need to fight anyone What else do we need to do Alright well we gotta get to Sydney So we gotta get to Sydney It's the biggest New Year's Eve party we can think of Alright we're going to Sydney So we've got to go- It's almost definitely one at night.

So we've got to go to Sydney. But Sydney has the Harbour Bridge. That's what I'm thinking. There's so many fireworks. The Opera House. It's all televised. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get to talk to the news.

Okay, so- Oh, the Commonwealth Games. They were held in- I knew there was Commonwealth Games. They were held in the Gold Coast? Yes, they were. Last year. Yeah.

Wow. Due to that, the Gold Coast Suns, the AFL football team, could not play at their home stadium for the first 10 rounds of the AFL season. Okay. Wow. There you go. There's a bit of a fact for you. Anyway, back to yelling.

How are we going to do this? How about just to lay some good groundwork, as we go, I'll call into every radio station and tell them a thing that happened this year. All right. Hey, we've got our first call for today on Australian radio station. And this is Jackson Bailey.

Jackson Baby. This is Jackson. Jackson Baby. How are you doing? I'm the baby New Year's coming at you live. Anyone listening to this radio station, Samit, give me a... Total lunar eclipse takes place on January 31st.

Moon appears as supermoon. That's pretty cool. Hasn't happened since... Have they hung up? It's also the first blue moon eclipse since 1983. Jackson, I think we're losing you. It was also referred to as the super blood moon. Jackson, baby.

Hang on. Just a sec. We're live, Jackson. Blue moon! Blue moon! Thank you so much for calling in, Jackson. I guess we should probably have learned our lesson that taking a call from an actual baby doesn't make for good content.

Anyway, now for our son. Our baby's having a tantrum. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Don't make me pull over. I need to be burped. He's being a bit stroppy. Shut up. I made a little baby spew on my front.

All right, I'll pick him up and burp him. I just huck him and pick him up. Pick up the whole booster seat while I'm driving with that arm. Just drop it in the back seat. Oh, wait. Booster seat should not be in the front seat, but it was. I don't like that it was loose. You just strapped me in and hucked it in the front and off we drove.

We were in a hurry. I'll stop burping that, baby. How quickly can we get to Sydney? Eight hours. Without stopping, it's about eight hours. Okay, well, we started. When did we start? I imagine.

We have till midnight. I'm thinking we're recording. Well, we started now. I reckon maybe like... And it's 3pm. Okay. I was thinking two. We were recording at two.

Okay, so we started at two. All right. So like eight hours. We've already killed how many hours of panic and freaking out? Maybe... When did we decide to go to Sydney? Probably by 3.30. Yeah.

So we hit peak hour. That's good. I'm hot. Shut up. All right. So we recorded a bit earlier and basically like about three o'clock or quarter past three is when we decided to go. So I'm just going to do a quick Google Maps.

Okay. See how fast it is. Let's say Sydney Opera House. That's where we're going to do a quick Google Maps. Okay, figure it out. See how fast it is. Let's say Sydney Opera House. That's where we're going to go. As I age to an old man, you've got to huck me onto the stage and I'll chronicle the year. All right. In current traffic, 8 hours 31.

Okay. All right. Okay. We may need to catch a plane. No, look, last minute plane. Very expensive. Do any of you know how to catch a plane. No, look, last minute plane. Very expensive. Do any of you know how to fly a plane? Because I know on the way to Sydney, there is a small private airfield.

I know this because Ryder loves planes. And every time we've passed it, he's pointed it out. Could you learn? No. Can you quickly Google how hard is it to fly a plane? And then once you've Googled that, Google how to fly a plane. All right, a plane all right i'll google if it's easy okay somebody keep your eyes on the road i am a baby i i'm like driving and i'm like hey siri how do i fly a plane you fly a plane okay siri that was no help.

All right, all right, all right, all right. On a scale of one to ten, how hard is it to fly a plane? Yeah. Flying a plane begins with learning the workings of a plane. You need to fly. Propeller, rudder, wing. That takes about two to three months. Oh, God. It takes five to six months.

You have to pass the exam before you even begin flying. Well, we're not doing it legally. No. I think it's our not doing it legally. No. I think it's our only hope. Hey, wait. Yeah? Hey, I'm driving. Alright, first thing I walk. How hard is it to fly a plane? First response. Surprisingly, it isn't

hard at all. As with all things, some people take to it more readily than others. For the most part, it is like driving a car. Only difference is that it can move on six degrees of motion compared to the four of a car. It's like a car, but with up and down. Yeah. Hell yeah.

Here's a picture of the dashboard. Oh, that's easy. I've played Flight Simulator. Yeah, dude. Not well. All right. All right. I have not played a Flight Simulator.

Have you played a Flight Simulator? Not well, yes. I have baby arms and no kneecaps. Last I played it was on Windows 98 computer. Okay. So I'm sure nothing has really changed with planes We're getting a little lighter than aircraft I remember my biggest achievement Was flying upside down underneath the

Eiffel Tower That's good enough Plus also planes Where do they land when it's an emergency The water, what's a Sydney harbour full of water That's true You fly, Zama goes behind, I got a weak body I'll of? Water, easy That's true Super good Well you fly, Zammett goes behind I got a weak body, I'll go in the middle of you

Where it's warm Anybody else remember imagining like a biplane? Yeah, absolutely Or Wright Brothers I was kind of imagining a biplane with two chairs And you just open up the boot or the storage area Huck me in and close it It's hot in here

Shut up baby Shut up New Year baby You got a choice, hot or cold. I'll take hot. Yeah, bang if you start dying. All right, so in almost like Looney Tunes style, or maybe even like a Hanna-Barbera, we do like a U-Bolt near an airport,

crash through the car, go through like a hangar, and then suddenly on the other side, we're in a biplane. All right, okay. This a biplane. Alright. This was surprisingly easy to fly. I like to imagine we googled it, you saw, flying is surprisingly easy, and that was enough. X out of this,

we're in, let's go. Alright, do we know how to get to Sydney from the sky? North? I'll fly. I'm like, Sydney's up No, no, no North North

North, forward Not up Think, Tusha, think Oh, God, sorry Let me get my compass out on my iPhone, I guess Just yell at me when to turn Yeah Alright, that's good

We have Google Maps Yeah, that'll work Slam it on the dashboard of the... are they called dashboards? I don't know Hey Siri, does Google Maps work in the sky? Here's what I found on the web Does Google Maps work in the sky? That's not what we wanted

I hucked my phone out of the plane I don't huck the plane Phone thrown out of the plane and into a field. All right, there's one phone down. Luckily, I've got mine. I'll see if Google Maps works. I do not have my phone as well because I am only in a diaper. I feel like by the end of this flight, though, you're going to be a teen at least.

Yeah, you're rapidly aging. It's getting cramped in here. How big are you? About the size of a young man. So you have to hit old age by midnight. We are on a time limit and that is my body. All right, so basically you're going from a baby to what, 80? Yeah, to death.

Wait. Fuck. 80 to death in the span of how... When did you put it on? Four? Four, yeah, four-ish. So eight hours. Yeah.

So you've got to age eight. So every hour you're aging 10 years. Oh, my God. I think I'm 20. You again. I'm cramping heaps. Can I open this from the inside? Yeah.

I'm going to do that. I just stick my legs out. Fly your legs. This is how I was sitting when I ate. You're dumb. I can't very well rotate in here. So this is what's going to have to happen. That's great because that's just my ass in a diaper.

So now we land or try to land the plane in Sydney Harbour. Okay. Jackson wearing a diaper. Probably now in reference of a diaper with his ass hanging out as a 30-odd-year-old man. Okay. We don't so much as land as just like, all right, there's Sydney Harbour.

Aim. Yeah, aim. You crash, basically. All right. Well, hopefully We don't crash at speed Now I'm assuming Cops are pointing guns At us You know what's in

The Sydney harbour Boats And a bridge Tons of them Sick You got You said When you played

Flight simulator The best thing you ever did Was go upside down Under a bridge Under the Eiffel Tower What is a bridge But many Eiffel Towers Exactly What is a bridge but many Eiffel Towers? Exactly. What is a bridge but an Eiffel Tower sideways? What about this?

I'm saying this from inside. A 30 year old man now. So if, maybe even 40 at this point. So if you go under the bridge upside down and the two of you open the hatches and you just fall into the harbour head first then I jump out and the plane fall into the harbour. Head first. Head first. Then I jump out and the

plane does whatever the plane does and then nobody suspects. Careens into a boat is what it will do. Nobody suspects us and we swim away. Okay, okay. So as we swim, like maybe the hour, you're now a 40 year old man.

I've hit middle age. I'm about to have a midlife crisis. I've hit middle age. I'm about to have a midlife crisis. I'm at middle age, my arms hurt, and I miss my wife. I don't see the kids anymore, do I? What time is this now? 5, 6pm? It would have to be 6. No, later than that.

It'd be like 7pm. You're 50. I'm 50. Oh my God. The good years are behind me. My balls look wrong in the mirror now. My balls are getting long. I'm 50. Oh, my God. The good years are behind me. My balls look wrong in the mirror now. My balls are getting long. I'm losing hair, and the hair I still have is grey. I miss Mildred. All right.

So we're in Sydney Harbour. I've got to call my kids. You don't have any kids, you idiot. Give me your phone. One, his is hucked in a field, and mine is now waterlogged. I'm so sad Alright we're treading water in Sydney Harbour Where I'm assuming a lot of boat fuel is That is not good for our skin

I'm in pain I'm aching and also my skin is weak Shut up Where are we going now baby I'm the New Years man? I'm the New Year's man now. Sorry, I'm man New Year's. Let's climb into a boat and then we'll reconvene. All right, we'll try and swim to find the first boat.

So now we're landing a plane in the harbor. That's already crashed, mate. To then steal a boat. Yeah. To then what? Okay, we're in the boat. This is just a place where we can gather our thoughts It's now like 8 o'clock, you are 60

We've got time We just need to do it Do we need to do it? I've become confused Do we need to do it on midnight? I don't know, that's when you die presumably That's a worry The announcement has to be at midnight And if you don't do it at 12.01, you're dead.

Hey, New Year baby slash man. Sorry, man New Year. Yeah, man New Year. It's almost all man New Year. Because it's already probably New Year's sort of to the east of us. What happened there? I don't know. I don't think it counts.

I don't know. No, no, no, no. It was Wikipedia baby New Year's. I'm't know. I don't think it counts. I don't know. All I did was Wikipedia baby New Year's. I'm still Jackson. Shit. Okay. Is anyone living on this boat? Is this a houseboat?

A houseboat in Sydney Harbour. I don't know. Leave me alone. You drank too much ocean water. Are you drunk? I'm just old and tired. I hate this old man New Year. Bring back baby New Year.

Yeah, he was all right. All right. So how are we going to get past security to get into the Sydney Opera House? Yeah. All right. I'm just reading the legend here. I'm just reading the last two lines. Some stories, especially those that depict seasons of years past will have him bear a strong likeness to

key events in his time. At this point, he hands over his duties to the next baby New Year while he either dies or remains in the state. We need to find another baby New Year. Okay, we've got to go to a hospital. We've got to find the first baby born in New Year's and that becomes a New Year baby and you've got to appear

like a key event that happened. Be that super moon. Yeah, okay. We've got to appear like a key event that happened. Be that super moon. Yeah, okay. We've got to get a moon costume. All right. Where can we get a moon costume at this hour? All we've got to do is go to like a Rebel Sports and get a big basketball. All right.

Or a yoga ball and I'll climb in. Yes. Okay. Perfect. All right. We've got to go to a sports shop that's open New Year's Day. Okay. We just will break in. Okay.

We'll break in. My life depends on it. The cops will understand.. Okay? We'll break in. My life depends on it. The cops will understand. All right. We'll go find a rebel sport. Break into a rebel sport. That's it, mate. But before we sort that out,

here's a quick word from our sponsor. Also, I've got to remind you all that this Melbourne International Comedy Festival, I'm going to be hosting a singularly unpleasant quiz show called Big Deal, starring a whole bunch of Sandspence people and comedians.

Tickets are available from our website at sandspenceradio.com forward slash live. Anyway, I'm sure this place has an alarm. Inevitable alarm happens. We'll quickly run and just grab a few different white yoga balls. Various balls. Yep. Let's go back to our safe boat. And I'll climb back in the yoga balls and I'll get ready to find and give my power to a baby.

Basically, we have to find, we've got to go to a hospital, the maternity ward, and we have to find a mother giving birth. Okay. Do we then need to take, do we still need to tell everyone the events of the year? I don't know. We can be yelling that from the boat. I called the radio station. I'm sure it just picked up on it. Okay, let's break into a hospital. We don't have to break into a hospital.

We can walk into a hospital. Unless it's after 8.30pm, in which case visiting hours have ended and therefore we have to break into a hospital. I'm an old man. Say I'm dying. Okay, someone has to break a bone. Why did you both look at me? It can't be him. He's the New Year baby.

I'm Old Man New Year. That makes it easy for him to break a bone. Yeah, but he needs to be given the baby. Ah! Okay, okay. Broken hip, it's fine. I'm fragile. All right, all right.

How do we get into the maternity ward when we are both not mothers-to-be? We just say we're someone's husband, right? Right? Excuse me, maternity ward when we are both not mothers-to-be? We just say we're someone's husband, right? Right? Excuse me, maternity ward, I miss my wife. May I come through and visit? What if I just claim I'm an old man, I don't know what's happening. Are you my wife? I'm crashing this boat.

I can go still on a boat. Crash the boat. Someone will break a boat. Crash this boat, maybe one of us. I'm probably fine. You probably break a bone. I probably break heaps. boat. Crash the boat. So I'm going to break a bone. Crash this boat. Maybe one of us. You probably break a bone. I probably break heaps. Yeah. All your teeth.

Am I 70 now? Maybe. Help. We got to be quick. Oh my God. Okay. I've got broken bones. Collect me in a sack and take me to hospital.

All right. I'm going to pull over this boat. You're going to hop out. Okay. Me and Douche are going to crash this boat. Hopefully an Ambo comes and take us to the hospital, and you can be like, those are my boys. Okay.

Why don't you just use a pay phone? Okay. No, it's fine. It's fine. Crash the boat. Crash the boat. I've already crashed the boat. Yeah.

It's already happened. I see the ambulance drive by me. Get in, dickhead. That was quick ass! Okay. An ambulance pulling over, the driver opening the door and just screaming, Get in, dickhead!

Oh, I thought you two had stolen the ambulance. Either way! Oh, get in the ambulance right now. Get in, dickhead! There's me, legs shattered, just sucking down on that morphine whistle. Basically already starting the New Year's party in the back. This admin looks like he's in a really bad way.

I'm driving the... Am I driving the ambulance or am I in the ambulance? In my mind, yes. Okay, I've stolen... Did you leave the paramedics back at the crashed boat? You've stolen the paramedics uniform, and I'm just like raving like it's 1999, blow up that morphine whistle.

Okay. We'll arrive at the maternity ward. I am currently 80 years old. And broken. I am very damaged. Ma'am, I'm dying. Send me to the maternity ward. My leg broke.

He's on morphine. Douche is fine. I need to see a baby. All right. One of you, douche, you're the only one who's okay. You push her over and I'll keep going. Excuse me, sir. I'll keep going Excuse me sir I'll clamp her up the stairs

Someone please wheel me into a place We can't leave Zammett down there on a stretcher You gotta pull him with us Whistling away You just said you'd run up the stairs I assume when I give the power to the baby All of this will heal Potentially

Brave, brave thought My thing's gonna happen I like get down to the baby, all of this will heal. Potentially. Brave, brave thought. My thing's going to happen. I get down to the lady. I just push. I'm like, hey, excuse me. Where's emergency? I need to take this man there. What about my leg?

That's who I'm talking about. What about me? You go see a baby. Okay. Just constant whistling in the background. I've got to listen for births. It's got to be at midnight, though. Just constant whistling in the background I gotta find I gotta listen for births It's gotta be at midnight though

Maybe I find a lady who's about to give birth And I'm like wait wait wait Stop can you hold on for just a second I know he's saying push but what if no Pull Pull This is what 11.30

We're quite near in the end. Yeah, yeah, 11.30. Pull just for another 20 minutes. Look at my watch. Pull. Clock on the wall. Pull. How long can you not give birth for?

Can you hold a baby in? The same way you might hold a shit in. Can you do that with a baby? Listen, lady, I know you need to birth now but wait 20 minutes it would do me a big favor i know i'm an old man there's probably a few um people giving birth yeah in the maternity ward so you'd be like just running from one to the well really old man hobbling from one to the other waiting i've probably come up and just put you in a wheelchair just pushing just push on you being like, yell if you see a lady that's close.

Basically, it's like tick it along, 11.59. Oh God, is anyone giving birth? What do we think? There's always a New Year's baby. That's what we're looking for. That's the baby you got to give the sash to. We got a minute here, Dushu. You got to push my wheelchair so that I fly out of it

and touch the baby on the head as he comes out. Happy New Year! As he's crowning, you've got to also then put your top hat on his crown. Take the top hat off, spin it around so that it'll land on the baby's head. Put that top hat on the baby. It's a wonder the cops haven't been called. As the baby comes further out, take the sash off my arm, put it on the baby.

The mother is just so shocked, thinks she's hallucinating due to pain. And then the moment the baby comes out, pull that little diaper on. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. That intercut with a celebration where they're like, 10, 9, 8. You're holding up a basketball. Super Moon, motherfucker!

And there's me just whistling. Sam is somehow on top of the Sydney Opera House. Leg at a right angle. Happy New Year! Falls off the Sydney Opera House. Didn't feel a thing! Didn't feel a thing!

He's at the bottom of the Sydney Opera House now. Just a pile of broken bones. Like, yeah! Best New Year's! You die? Why? That's what happens.

A streamer in one corner of my mouth, the morphine whistling the other, just blowing them at the same time. Legs, oh, yes. Legs, who knows. Yeah, you either stay the same or die, apparently. You either die or retire as the super moon. I or retire as the super moon so you've put the hat

sash and diaper on the new year baby and as you do so the yoga ball just starts getting big as you ascend to the heavens and now you have guys I don't want to die

you should have picked the royal wedding, dickhead! I thought I could retire! Oh my god. That's the story of how we saved New Year's and Jackson became the moon. And that's how Earth now has a permanent super blue blood moon. How did this happen?

Happy New Year, everyone. Happy New Year. We did it, and I was totally unscathed Just a regular New Year's Eve For your boy JD I hope that you at home Whenever you look up in the night sky And see our moon and then look slightly to the left

And you see the other moon The screaming moon Just know the effort that it took And the work I put in to get there Get me down I didn't think this would happen. I think I might have stopped listening at some point. And everyone, if you're really

quiet on New Year's Eve, amongst the fireworks you can hear a man screaming get me down. I'm too big. Get me down. I'm coming to you, Earth. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I I've been Joel I've been Jackson

and I've also been Joel happy new years everyone and let's hope for a big 2019 with two moons also if you know anyone who would be good at joining plumbing the death star to replace a new moon Jackson

just let us know thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit

If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps and if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time.

Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.