Plumbing the Death Star - Hey You Absolute Morons! How Are You Gonna Save Halloween?

Episode Date: October 27, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most biased podcast network. Happy Halloween, you fucking dirtbags. Happy Halloween, you fucking dirtbags. Happy Halloween, you beautiful human beings, and also dirtbags. Fuck you, being called a dirtbag is spooky. I'm scared of it. Rudeness is a negative feeling, which is what spooks and Halloween is all about.

He's right. Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's very special Halloween edition of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, Hey, you absolute morons, how are you going to save Halloween? Halloween We're the more away the more on the situation fuck with If I knew that saying continent idle was Wasn't not okay. Yeah, would have been you dumb cunts.

Okay, so a skeletal baby flies through our window. We're sitting around the table yet again. I'm so excited for all this Halloween candy we stole from kids. And this roast pumpkin. And then we hear this thud. Oh my god, the baby was already dead this

time. Someone's throwing a skeletal baby at us. The baby died beforehand. And then it says, I'm still alive. You've got to save Halloween, you absolute moron. I'm dead. We don't even have to bury this one. Why? It's already a skeleton.

Did the skeleton? Hang on. Did the skeleton just talk? I'm at the window being like, stop throwing dead babies! Wait a minute. I'm holding the baby's skull in my hand. Let's go back to something Jackson just said. Sure. It's a skeleton, so we

don't have to bury it. Yeah. Because it's already a skeleton. You can just put it in the trash. So why do you think we bury people? So they skeletonize. Alright, look. I'm gonna cremate the baby. Yeah, that's a good idea. We don't bury the dead so that they turn into skeletons so we then dig them up to put them in the bin

because putting man flesh in the bin is socially unacceptable. It's a bonus that the baby becomes a skeleton. Okay. All right, we've got this skeleton baby that has died a second time in front of us. How do we save Halloween? What needs to happen? Are the bones connected, or is it now if I pick up one, it's all going to fall away?

No, I imagine it's connected by Halloween magic. What's the role of a Halloween baby? You know, the Halloween baby. The classic Halloween baby. The classic Halloween baby. Well, typically on Halloween night, that's the time when the spirits of the dead and the spirits of the waking, where the veil is thinnest. Yes.

So we've got to, I guess, stop the witches from coming in. Baby, what do we have to do? Baby, are we going to stop witches? Wait, no. Don't we want the witches? I'm already Googling what Halloween's all about. All right, I'm going to Google traditions. First off, we need a pumpkin or a turnip.

Okay, what do we got in the fruit bowl? A banana. Banana and an apple. Yeah. Okay. Okay, Dusha, you got to get on carving a face in that banana. Okay. Give me a second.

Okay. That's looking mushy. That'll do. Now you've got to put a candle in it. I reckon putting a candle in a banana is actually easier than it looks. Yeah? Hey, isn't it all to do with, like, the end of summer? Oh, yeah, shit, you're right.

So we're in Australia. Yes. All right, boys. It's the start of summer. Oh, yeah, shit, you're right. So we're in Australia. Yes. All right, boys. It's the start of summer. All right, gather those baby bones and let's go to the airport. Okay. Why? We've got to go to the northern hemisphere.

Where's the closest place to, where's the closest the northern hemisphere is to the southern hemisphere? No, to the equator, Jackson. To the equator, Jackson. To the equator! Okay. We've got to do some Halloween activities, presumably. Okay, we've got the jack-o'-lantern with douche's on-fire banana.

It's rotten now. Lightning. Oh, no, lighting bonfires. Wait, why a bonfire? Hang on, just throw that banana in the trash, because we've got to be somewhere else first. You can take the banana off the trash because we've got to be somewhere else first. Well, you can take the banana on the plane. I've smushed it already.

You can't take fruit out of the country, idiot. I've got to declare it. We're already declaring baby bones. You're right. You're right. We're taking these baby bones to be buried. Okay, it's got its origins in a Roman feast called Parentalia. Bring your parents.

Rome? Rome? No, maybe. Get in the plane. There's the equator. There's Australia. What are these islands? Yeah, so Asia?

Hey, who's got any bread? I mean, we could probably- We're going to Indonesia. We're going to Indonesia. I'm pretty sure we can ask the stewardess for some bread. Madam, I'd like some bread and wine, and then I put the bread in the wine. I'm doing it to save

the day. Okay, so we're on a flight. I've checked luggage as a dead baby. I've checked luggage as baby bones. A banana. I've declared it. Good, I'm glad you've declared it.

An unlit candle. I couldn't take a lighter on the plane Hey, with the baby bones Should we, for Halloween powers Be consuming them or putting them on us Or something Good point, why? For the powers of Halloween What powers does the Halloween baby have, Jackson

And Joel Zammett, who has blindly followed this terrible idea Well You know how, like, with a Cupid you get a bow? Yeah. With a Halloween baby. Hey, do you remember how that happened? You can see ghosts. Hey, yeah. To see ghosts.

To see ghosts. I'm crushing up that baby. Okay, Zammett, snort the baby. I snort the baby. Remember on Valentine's Day Adventure how at the end of the adventure you didn't have to do any of the stuff we just did? Yes. I just snorted this baby. Don't tell him that now. Okay. Don't you think? Oh, Valentine's Day Adventure, how at the end of the adventure you realize you didn't have to do any of the stuff we just did? Yes.

You just snorted this baby. Don't tell him that now. Okay. What do you think? Okay, and it's also based on an ancient tradition called Samhine. Uh-huh. Yes. Do we need a person named Sam? Ask around the plane.

Anyone named Sam? Do we need someone named Sam? Plane, do you know? Sam, anyone named Sam want to snort this baby with me? Okay. Okay. Hang on. Are we getting air?

I feel like an air marsh. Yeah. That's how I'm going to get us. Okay. You two do that because I'm still reading on the plane, but I'm not allowed to have my Wi-Fi on. So the plane's starting to crash. I'm sorry.

We've got to figure out what Sam Hines is about. I've got to pay that $10 to get a little bit of internet. Free bad Wi-Fi. Free bad Wi-Fi. Yeah, that $10 to get a little bit of internet. Free bad Wi-Fi. Free bad Wi-Fi. Yeah, for $10 you get free bad Wi-Fi. Free Wi-Fi, only $10. Oh, I want to steal.

Okay, we've got a lad called Sam. Yeah, good. He's a surfer from Bondi. Yeah, great. He's happy to snort them baby bones with us. How do you feel? He's sad and radical. And did the shakas. That's great. Do you feel good with the baby bones with us. How do you feel? He said radical. And did the shakas. That's great.

Do you feel good with the baby bones in you? Yes. I didn't do it because I don't think we need to. I'm pretty sure I can see ghosts. I don't know if anyone has died on the plane yet. Is this a new plane? People die on planes all the time. Is this a haunted plane?

I've become so lost in what I need to do. Where are we going? Indonesia, that's right. This has the real panic of a real life situation where too much responsibility has been thrust on us and we're just not thinking about anything. We're like, right! Meat fair week! I'm just rubbing baby in the gum.

Why? Because you've got to tell you get it! Get what? Is that a Halloween power? There's no Halloween power! Look up how long it takes to get to Indonesia so we can figure out what time we'll be there. Presumably we've got to do this by midnight, whatever we're doing, to stop the witches from coming in.

So what are we doing? Okay, well, we've got to make sure summer ends. It's five hours. Or ten hours with one stop. We'll do the quick one. So on a flight from Melbourne to Indonesia, five hour flight. Like 400 bucks, guys.

Cheap. And worth it to save Halloween. Jackson, run us through what we need to do. Joel Zammert, stop screaming that you're doing all of these things and wait to see if we actually need to do them. Okay. We need to abst to do them. Okay. We need to abstain from meat. Okay.

There's no meat on the bone. No, no, it's just bone. You're okay. We need to eat potato pancakes and soul cakes. Soul cakes. We need to play some pranks. Okay. Eating a baby counts as a prank.

We need to play divination games. Okay, it's very simple. All right. Stop. There's potatoination games. Okay, it's very simple. All right. Stop. There's potato. Wait. What did I just say? We're on a time limit.

Jackson, before Zaman, here's another thing that he gets excited about rushing into. Why do we need to do these things? Because otherwise summer won't end. Yeah. Yeah. It's like Game of Thrones, but the opposite. Okay.

Summer is coming. Sam and Callan gave Mark the end of harvest season, the beginning of the winter, or the Thrones, but the opposite. Okay. Summer is coming. Sam and I count a game marked the end of harvest season, the beginning of the winter, or the dark half of the year. It was seen as the liminal time and the boundary between this world and the other world. This means, as I see, pronunciation. Is she a monster? The spirits of the family could easily become into the world.

Degraded versions of ancient gods. Eating a cake doesn't stop that. We need to eat the cake. We need to propitate. We need to appease the deity and incur the divine favour. Okay, let's find out how to do this. Use the divine favour to stop the witches.

He's learning. Ma'am, stewards, do you have any potato? You haven't listened to anything that just happens. You can sometimes get a potato bake on the plane. You can get a potato bake. Sometimes you get potato. Okay.

Great. Look, again, you know, there's no meat. That's easy. We just take the vegetarian options, all of us, including you, Sam. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. No meat.

Just eat potatoes. Okay. So we probably got a potato curry. That's pretty nice. Because Christ died for us because God loves us. So we have a potato curry. Why are we eating a potato curry? Because we ate a potato cake.

But that curry's not a cake. God's love. What is a potato? All right, fine. We've got the potato. If you're going to loophole this, we might as well wait. I'm going to scoop out the potato from the curry and smoosh it up to make a cake. Yeah.

Is that a potato cake? It's a it up to make a cake. Yeah. It's a cake that is made of potato. Apple bobbing, nut roasting, scrying, I've got a potato cake. I've got a ritual. Yes. Okay. We need molten lead.

Yes. Planes get hot. That's easy. Okay. Molten lead. This might be easier. Egg whites. That's probably easy to get. Chicken's lathers. Okay. Do we have water? Yeah, it's easy. Okay. Mold and lead. This might be easier. Egg whites. That's probably easier to get. Chickens lay those. Okay. Do we have water?

Yeah, it's easy water. We don't have a chicken on the plane though. Ma'am, can you hold the egg for my eggs? Okay. So let's land this plane before we get kicked off. Alright. So we're in Indonesia. Great. Find a chicken. You find a cup of water.

Done. Okay. Pour the chicken into the cup of water Do we still need Sam? Pour the egg into the cup of water I don't know if we need Sam Keep him around You can go and enjoy your holiday Hell yeah, dude Okay

Light a bonfire Wait You said to pour the chicken in the water You mean the egg white Yeah, not the chicken Don't put the chicken in the water It'll drown We got the egg white in the water?

Yes. Great. Okay. Now, no, yes. Egg white. Not the white. The white's not the shell. Light a fire!

Can you separate egg white from yolk easy? Do you know how to do it? Yeah. Use your hands. No, it's easy. It would be easier if you just cracked the egg instead of tearing it apart. Just leave it a bit so it drips through.

Okay. I guess we could use your hands. That's easy. Are you doing it? Do you have an egg here? No, I thought we had a chicken. Do you have an egg here? No.

I'll show you how easy my way is. All right. Whatever. Put it in the water and you light a fire. What do I do with the egg yolk? Just throw it out. Give it to a dog. What fire?

I said light a fire. I like to imagine this whole time I've not looked up at either of you. I've been on my phone Googling. Zabit has eaten like seven things, killed someone, yelled at a man, and I'm like, we don't need to do any of this. Listen. I think I'm seeing a heap of ghosts. Zabit's very sick.

Okay, good to hear. All right, how hard is it to start a fire? Not that hard. Get wood, get matches, get oil. Oil. Oil. It's easy. You got to get the matches, and then you get the wood,

and then you get the oil. I'm sure there's like a street vendor or something like that. We can get a lot of this. Sir, one fire, please. Starting a fire is easy. People do it accidentally all the time. All right, we light a fire. Can you use like a street vendor or something like that. We can get a lot of this. Sir, one fire, please. Yes. Starting a fire is easy. People do it accidentally all the time. All right.

We light a fire. Can you use like a stovetop? No, we need ash. Okay. Have we got ashes? Look, I'm sure- We'll just go to a fireplace. Just take all that. Okay.

We'll go into someone's home and steal that. Wait. Wood fire oven. Wood fire pizza. Indonesia is chockers. Okay. Indonesia, that's where Italians are from. Exactly.

All right, great. Now mix it all together. Done. The water, the egg, okay, now rub it on your bodies. Okay. With the egg white and the water. Yeah, and the water and the ashes. We're going to need a lot more egg white and a lot more ash,

a lot more water than the cup. There's a lot of my body. Well, you guys take care of that. I'm going to find us horse costumes. Okay, you find us horse costumes. I'm going to go to the supermarket and get a lot of my body. Well, you guys take care of that. I'm going to find us horse costumes. Okay, you find us horse costumes. I'm going to go to the supermarket and get a lot of eggs. Out of everything to latch onto and other things to just let go, you latch onto potato cake, you let horse costume just pass you right on by.

We got to do it. We need a horse costume for something. He's got it sorted. I can't do that. I could eat the potato cake. Yeah, all right. So you've rubbed the egg on your body, yes? Yeah, well it took about an hour or so but we got more egg, ash and water

and now we're very sticky. Alright, great. Now you two, not me because I didn't do it, are protected from the ghosts. Okay, easy. That was what that was for. Okay, now here's some horse costumes. Did you want to eat the baby?

I'll be all right. We're going to go to these houses. We're dressed as a white mare. We need to lead youths house to house reciting verses in exchange for food. What kind of verses? It doesn't say. Some have pagan overtones. Wonderwall by Oasis?

Is that good? Yeah, that'll do us. You're my Wonderwall. Okay. So it specifically says trading verses for food. A man dressed as a lair band white mare led youths house to house reciting verses, some of which had pagan overtones, in exchange for food. If the household donated food, it could expect good fortune from the muck-ola.

Not doing so would bring bad fortune. Going to bring it back to you. Yep, that's too long. Now we're trading. Yeah, we get the food. They get good fortune. Great. Yep.

Okay. Now we need a- Yeah, that's what I fortune. Great. Yep. Okay. Now we need a- Am I wonderful? Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay. Okay. How many special people change? How many lives and livings change?

Where were you while we were getting high? What's a mangle-wurzel? Someday you will find me. Come beneath the landslide Champagne supernova in the sky Now, Zammett, you ask them for food. Hey, can I have some food? We'll pay.

I found a Halloween party checklist. Okay. Perfect. We need candy. We are going to need candy. Okay. I'll go back to the supermarket and get some candy. We are going to need candy. All right. Okay. Yeah. Okay. We'll get some, I'll go back to the supermarket and get some candy. It's stressing me that we know we need to stop witches,

yet none of this seems to be addressing that at all. I think that's what the bonfire is for, but I'm finding out. How do I see witches yet? The baby hasn't kicked in. Well, maybe I need to see more. Okay. I'm going to Google how do I stop witches, because I think that's something we've got to take.

What was that divination ritual we had to do? I think we did it. Was that the egg white? Yeah. Well, that's useful. I think that was it. Is Samhain the same as Halloween? Yeah.

Oh, no. I'm sorry. They're not the same thing But Samhain has it's roots in Halloween Or possibly vice versa It's vice versa So which part do we need to do Do we have to be a saint

Oh it's All Hallows Eve you're right Yeah Oh boy So what part of Sandheim did we do We did the bit I looked at on Wikipedia. Okay. That's the bit we took care of. Okay.

Can I clean up this egg white now? Yeah, I don't think we're going to be divined at any point. What about the bonfire? That seems like it's good no matter what, so I'm happy we did that. Do we have to fight a witch, or is that, again, the wrong thing that you were looking at?

Great question. Do we need to be in the Northern Hemisphere? Yeah, because it's about the winter. I think we need to get back in the plane. Is it about winter? Yes, no, it is. It is. It is. It is. We did the right thing. So we're here

for a good reason. Yeah. Yes, that's good. Liminal is, it is, it is, it is. We did the right thing. So we're here for a good reason. Yeah. Yes, that's good. Liminal time. Spirits of fairies propagating. Return. The souls of the dead return home on one night of the year. Must be appeased.

That's it. That's what we're doing. We're appeasing the souls of the dead. Okay. I'm so sorry I made us drive to Indonesia or whatever we did. I'm just going to have a quick, is Indonesia in the northern? No. Okay.

It's both the north end. Okay. All right, cool. So we're good. We're good. Oh, hey, no, we did need to do the egg white thing. That's good. I just washed it off.

Okay, get more on. Okay, let's go home. Okay. Why are we going home? Fires mimic the sun. We need to mimic the sun. Powers of growth holding back decay. Do we need to be?

Fuck, we're in the northern hemisphere. The devil. Maybe that's good. Devil. Okay. Okay. So light a torch. Done.

Yes. Great. Now we need to go sunwise around a home to protect it from the spirits of the dead. Gotcha. What's sunwise? And what does this have to do spirits of the dead. Gotcha. What's sunwise? And what does this have to do with any of the end goal? What's sunwise? I don't know.

Figure it out. No, no. Hang on. Jackson, are you just getting us to protect one random house for no reason? Yes. Well, you can't go around the whole of Indonesia. Can you? This is where baby Halloween lives.

All right. We'll knock on the door. Hello. Why don't we do it on our own goddamn fucking house? Because we're in Indonesia. All right, we'll knock on the door. Hello. Why don't we do it on our own goddamn fucking house? Because we're in Indonesia. All right, let's take the five-hour flight back. We've got two hours. What about our hotel?

Or just rather than just a random building? Douche is right. Yeah, but the hotel could be tall. This is at least one building. No, the hotel. We'll do the hotel. The whole hotel? Yes.

Why would you protect a random person over the people that... Okay, we need to save Halloween, and we are the three that have been chosen. What, you think you're better than this random person? Can we do this? We need to have this. What is that? It's a hobby horse, like a pantomime horse.

So I can barely see that from here, and presumably the people that are looking at this can't see it, and the people that are only listening to this definitely can't see it. So it's okay. So it's like a horse, but it's a horse costume. Imagine a man standing up. So it's like a two-man horse costume, but for one person. Yeah. The horse's head is perpendicular to the crotch.

Yeah. It's like a big dress, but shaped like a horse. We can make it. That looks easy. Okay. Okay. We'll put the remains of the baby bones in the hotel room. Yes.

Okay. I don't know why remains of the baby bones activated my Google. It was like you'd said, okay, Google, for my phone. All right. So we've got the remains of the baby bones in our hotel room. Yes. Okay. Yes.

Now we've got a torch. Sunwise around the hotel. Yes. Holiday Inn, I assume. Okay. Walk. Now we've got a torch. Sunwise around the hotel. Yes. Holiday Inn, I assume. Okay. Walk around the Holiday Inn to keep the spirits of the dead out. Yes. Okay. Great. Should we invite everyone to this Holiday Inn? If you want to protect them, yes. It just feels rude if we're not protecting everyone. Invite everyone. I don't care. Yeah. Okay. Got more traditions to do. I'll put it on Twitter. house party at this one holiday in

okay douche i've got some jobs for the two of you yes zamit you move around this house i've got another question i'm gonna hit me up what is the end goal the end goal is to protect the world from the dead yeah the border between the earth now and heaven earth is thin. Our trust is wavered after our last adventure. So how is saving protecting this one? Quit asking questions. Time is ticking. This one hotel. I yell as I am running around the hotel.

Sam, it's doing good. You're all lip. I have no time for it. I just think that we can probably skip these steps and get to a big thing. Yeah. I'm trying to find a big thing. On my first lap, I'm like, yeah, but what if we need to do this? I keep running.

What if we need to do this? This is what I was scared of. Jackson doesn't know what these things do. He just is trying to get us to do things while he quickly reads. Oh, no. Do any of us have enemies? Probably. Okay, we got to get us to do things while he quickly reads. Oh, no. Do any of us have enemies? Probably. Okay, we've got to get in disguise.

Do you have enemies that are dead? Probably. No. Your goods. Have it get in disguise. That's what the costumes are for, so that when the dead return, they don't kill us out of vengeance. Yeah, all right.

Doucher, I need you. Uh-huh. I put a plastic bag over my face. I need you to dress in black. Yes.er, I need you. Uh-huh. I'll put a plastic bag over my face. I need you to dress in black. Yes. Okay, parade the streets, ringing a mournful bell and calling on all good Christians to remember the poor souls. Okay.

If you could share cakes at the same time, that would be good. Okay. Christian population of Indonesia. And we really need to light those mangle-wurzels, guys. It's 10%. That's decent. That's a whack. Seven are Protestant and three are Catholic.

Oh, okay. I know where to go. Okay. Where? Our church. Okay. Find the biggest church in Indonesia. Okay. Catholic church? Yeah, just as A church. Okay. Find the biggest church in Indonesia. Okay. Catholic church? Yeah, it just says a church.

Biggest Catholic. Yeah. Church. So I've got to bow. Bong. Yeah. Hey, everyone. Uh-huh.

Bong. Remember the dead. Bong. There's a few. There's one that fits 35K. Oh, that's heaps. Yeah. That is where the devil will be coming from.

Tonight, the plumbing boys fight the devil. Finally, we have an end goal. Okay. Can I stop running now? Yeah, take a break, dude. Thanks, dude. So we're going to go to the biggest church in Indonesia because the dance macabre, what is described as a hideous carnival,

is about to occur. And in the Dance Macabre, there will be Satan and a whole manner of heebie-jeebies. All right, so we're going to the Bethany Graha Iginden. Okay, great. Yeah. Okay. Let's have a good visual look of what that looks like. Big.

It's like a stadium. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It looks like Pokemon battles happen there. That looks like. Big. It's like a stadium. Looks like Pokemon battles happen there. That's cool. Okay. Witches will try to attack us as we run. Like I said, the witch problem. So if we can light some hay on fire, we can avoid that.

Yes. Okay. Are you sure, Dushu, you have no enemies that have died? Yes. Are you positive? Yes. Okay, cool. Okay. So we got it. Are you sure, Dushy, you have no enemies that have died? Yes. Are you positive? Yes. Okay, just checking. My enemies can't die unless I do.

It's a Harry Potter situation. Okay, good. I don't know for certain, but I will be disguised just in case. Okay, well, what- I'm dressed as an ape, coincidentally, anyway. For other reasons. Yeah, yeah. Here's an ape.

I'm a wizard. You're a cowboy. It's good. Yeah, okay, good. Here's an ape, I'm a wizard, you're a cowboy, it's good. Yeah, okay, good. We're already dressed for a Halloween party. Okay, so as we approach this church, we are going to be beset by devils. Damn it.

Okay, but presumably, given that we're wearing costumes, they're like, oh, there's just some guys, it's just a cowboy, an ape, and a wizard. Wait, are we good because we're covered in egg white and you are not? Oh, no! Fellas, I should have covered myself in egg white! Jackson.

I am taken by the devil. Ah! They're going to jab me! All right, and this is the point where our plan totally falls apart because unlike other times, we never established what the end goal was. Jackson has just been killed by the devil. Just taken. We now have no Halloween.

Just stolen. Zaman. Look, he was an enemy. Jackson. Do you think he'd confuse if he sees me now? Jackson gets taken by the devil. We are now standing at a church which is full of devils. Yeah.

Just there. Oh, they're having a dance. What's our next move? Wrong. What are you going to do, fellas? So, Zammett, every time you interrupted me before when I was trying to figure out what the end goal was, do you remember what you spoke over?

Dance macabre. Dance macabre. So you're going to put the clues together. We're at a church for dance macabre. How to. In the background, occasionally, you can periodically hear, ah, ow, fuck. Guys, you can periodically hear, Ow! Ow! Fuck!

Guys, you're not even going to try it. Ow! Ow! You've got to put out milk, I think. Ow! It's hard to read my phone when the devils are stabbing my butthole. That's right. Ow! What do you call out from your phone whilst you are being poked in front of you?

In France! Ow! Some Christian, ow! Families on the night of All Hallows' Eve, ow! Prayed behind the graves of loved ones, setting down dishes full of, ow, milk for them. So we're going to put out a dish of milk. A big meal. Ah, my butthole.

First off, I don't have any milk on me. Second off, all my loved ones are not buried here. Yeah, none of my friends are in Indonesia. Does it need to be our friends or anybody's? I'm going to Google the effects of witches. You figure it out. All right, all right. What do we do?

We've got to stop this dance macabre. Okay, all right. Is there music? Okay, we've got to stop this dance macabre Is there music? We've got to just problem solve this now Is there music at Dance Macabre? Yeah, it's a carnival, it's a hideous carnival Okay, so we've got to find the organ and break it Yeah, that's a good idea, that'll stress them out

They'll stop dancing Oh no It's punky night tonight This is a song about punky night, which is the west country version of Halloween Okay Beg for candles on this night and threaten people This is a song about Punky Night, which is the West Country version of Halloween. Okay. Beg for candles on this night and threaten people who refuse to give them anything. Like a trick or treat. Maybe you should trick or treat them.

The Pope's here, apparently. Well, find him. That guy's all right. The Pope will help you. A Pope, an emperor, a king, a child, and a laborer. But I think it's dead ones Oh no I think they might be evil Fuck

Yeah Okay And now a quick word from our sponsors Also, Plumbing the Death Star is a garbage fire of a podcast That you for some reason love But did you know we produce at least 8 other podcasts? Like, maybe you wish the Plumbing Boys would stop talking about Whether or not Mario's good to marry

and start to talk about whether or not his game is good to play. If this sounds like you, then why not head to sanspantsradio.com and search for Thumb Cramps, a video game review podcast that's far better than it has any right to be. Um, maybe save me from the devil and I can help you. Alright. I punched the devil in its fucking mouth.

Yeah, I'm sure that'll stop. You're covered in egg whites. That's clever. Do this before you go fight the devil. Kill the devil in its fucking mouth. Yeah, I'm sure that'll stop. You're covered in egg whites. That's clever. Do this before you go fight the devil. How to kill a devil. Why doesn't God kill the devil? Supernatural, how to kill a demon brochure. Yeah, I'm sure that's going to be exactly what you need.

Pray? Jackson, do you know the Lord's Prayer? We could pray. Lord, who is in heaven as I am on earth with a butthole full of pitchforks, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, my butthole is done. Burn the demon's earthly remains using a demon-killing knife made by the Kurds. What?

How do you hinder a devil? You said it's so annoyed. By the Kurds? An angel? The first blade. Surgeon's spells. There's a hinder list there as well. How do you hinder?

Let me zoom in. Holy water. We're in a church. Hey, let's eat some holy water. There's probably salt on that chicken we ate I'll give it some good old smooches we just ate the egg

we didn't eat we didn't eat the egg either no one stopped oh wait we're eating no meat this is because nobody made a Halloween pumpkin yeah was there salt

in that potato cake yeah probably in your pocket you could pull out the potato cake you ate that on the plane yeah I left some in my pocket for later pull out the potato cake. You ate that on the plane. Yeah. I left some in my pocket for later because you yelled at me.

Absolutely. Good, I'm glad I yelled. Okay, so we've got some holy water and some salt, and we're going to free you from that demon. All right, throw the salt at the demon. Oh, I hate this. He drops me. I'm like, boys, and I pull the trident out of my arsehole.

Let's go kill the devil. All i've got this satan stick what do we have to do um still unclear you've got the directions on how to kill the devil in front of you this is killing a dead like a devil we're not v devil i think what we have to do is go and put- This is saying summon an angel, maybe. Yeah. Google, how do you summon an angel? Wait, exorcism. Return him back to hell. That's a prevent.

Yeah, but he's already there. Which is why you can't prevent him. Yeah, but this says exorcism is in the prevention. Return the demon back to hell. To prevent that, I mean, that's the demon's already there. Part of me thinks we should set the church on fire. No, but- Thoughts? No, Satan's love fire. Yeah, yeah, you are right. I think we should set the church on fire. No, but how? Thoughts?

No, Satan's love fire. Yeah, yeah, you are right. I think we should cool it down. Yeah. Get a hose. I turn the AC on in the church. This is quite nice. Okay, the church cools down.

I guess Samet goes and gets a hose and sprays the devil. Just get like a little squirt bottle. Like if a cat's being naughty. Bad Satan. Imagine that the devil works very similar to Charmander in Pokemon and if his heat goes out, he dies. Yes. That's true.

All right, Satan goes up in a puff of smoke or he just cools down and we can just send him on his way. So he cools down and then we just wail at him with bats. You've got that trident still here. I'll just stab him in his butthole. Hey, that hurt my butthole. See, Satan? All right.

Now that Satan's dead and the dance macabre has ended, we need to let the good souls of the dead head on to the afterlife. Yeah, to fight the witch? Where's the witch coming to? I don't think I was right about the witches. I'm sorry. That's good news. I don't think we have to worry about the... Oh no, hang on. Children, dress up like

witches and devils. Night of the Year, it's not a problem. It's a game. There's no harm in that. Okay, St. Feast, Halloween, Protestant, dress up, you a game. There's no harm in that. Okay. Saint Fest, Halloween, it's a picture of Protestants. Dress up. You dress up. We are in costume. That's good. Pentecost, Parakalesis. Okay. Vespas. We may need motorbikes. Okay.

I'll go get some Vespas. Oh no, Vespas are old men. Come back. Alright, I'm coming back. Okay. I think we gotta light candles and hollow out that banana. You didn't bring it. No, I didn't bring a banana. Go pick a banana from a tree. Hollow it out. You didn't bring it. No, I didn't bring a banana. Go pick a banana from a tree. All right.

Hollow it out. Put a face in it. Light it on fire. Slam it down on the graves of the dead. And hopefully that will send their souls on. I don't know. Everyone or just once? Well, we've got to do it for everyone,

but we don't have all night. What time is it? Well, just pick one, dude. How long until it's not Halloween anymore? How long until it's the first? It's nighttime now because Dance Macabre happened. They don't kill the devil in the daylight. I've always said that.

You can't kill the devil in the daylight. You've got to kill him in the pale moonlight. Yeah, absolutely. Because that's where he dances. Yeah, Dance Macabre, pale moonlight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't believe we killed the devil with the trident that was in Jackson's butthole. Oh, I've got, okay. Oh, Dan Smacala, Paladin Moonlight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't believe we killed the devil with the trident that was in Jackson's butthole. Oh, I've got, okay.

Oh, okay. I've got another one. Okay. Getting up at midnight. What time is it? Let's just say it's around about 9.30 p.m. Okay, when it's midnight, let me know. Okay, we'll chill for a bit.

When it's midnight, we can truly exorcise the devil and we can save the land. Should we do our things like bobbing for apples and stuff? Yes, let's chill for a bit. When it's midnight, we can truly exercise the devil and we can save the land. Should we do our things like bobbing for apples and stuff? Yes, let's bob for apples. Let's treat ourselves. We killed Satan. Playing pranks and spotting bats. Yeah, bob for apples for the next two and a half hours until midnight.

And we'll gorge on some candy. We need some black beans. Also, everyone take off your shoes. Shouldn't you have told this to us? Before we started bobbing for apples? Midnight is a minute. You've got a minute to find beans. Okay.

We don't have beans. I'm going to dig this grave up real quick and hope that one of them has beans in them. I'm going to go search the church pantries. Surely they've got beans there. You've got beans. I've got maggots. It didn't move.

Okay. Rude. Now we need to walk barefoot, throwing the black beans over our shoulder, and we need to repeat this. You've got beans, I've got maggots. It didn't move. Okay. Now we need to walk barefoot, throwing the black beans over our shoulder, and we need to repeat this. I hold the beans in my hand. I huck off my shoes. Repeat after me.

I send these. With these beans, I redeem me and mine. With I send these, with these beans, I redeem me and mine. Ghosts of my fathers and ancestors, be gone. Be gone. Okay. I joined in on the last bit. It worked. It's 1201.

Does anyone feel different? I'm a little sticky. Do you think we saved the day when we killed Satan? I guess it's like we killed Satan and then we did that thing that meant that Satan doesn't come back. Yeah, that's pretty good. Do you think this was an appropriate use of our Halloween time? I would have liked to go trick-or-treating instead.

Yeah. Instead I'm sweaty. They kill the devil every Halloween. Apparently. From what I Googled, lucky we finished there. I got 7% battery. I haven't charged my phone since Melbourne. Man, that was lucky.

Hey, do you think the cops will be mad I dug up this grave? Probably. Are we going to spend our nights languishing in an Indonesian prison? Three-day observation? Oh, did we cook it this year? We went too late. Oh, no. That's on the skeleton, baby.

We should have started two days earlier. Scroll down, Joel Zammett. Yeah. I can see your laptop. Yeah. Not history, because I think that's what Jackson read out. Not Christian influence. Oh, no. If there's traditions, that's who I'm looking for

Trick or treating? And guising I don't know if there are Halloween traditions I think we did it right Look, I've got some Do you want me to read out This is according to MantleFloss.com Do you want to check my working? This is according to Mantafloss.com. Do you want to check my working?

Yeah, we'll sit around this very wet and cold church. Yeah, this open grave. Uh-huh. I won't sit because my butthole is shredded. Okay. Carving Halloween's jackolines. I point to your banana. We did it.

Yep. Okay. Seeing ghosts. I tried. Yep. We couldn't because we were covered in the egg yolk. Yeah. Wearing scary costumes.

Yeah. I thought I saw maybe a ghost on a plane, but it's hard to say. Trick-or-treating. We tried. Didn't do that one. We knocked on someone's door. Okay, getting spooked by black cats. Didn't do that one.

No, we didn't do that one. Okay, bobbing for apples. We did that for two and a half hours. Yeah, decorating with black and orange. Didn't do that one. Playing pranks. Is opening a grave a prank? Snorting a baby's bones on a plane a prank.

I think so. Yes. Lighting candles and bonfires. We did that. We did that. Eating candy apples. We did sort of. Yeah.

We ate apples. Spotting bats. I want to say yeah, because there's bats in Indonesia. Gorging on candy. I mean, perhaps so. No? Okay, maybe let's get some candy and go home. Alright. We did it.

We'll find some kids, push them over, take their candy. Hey kid, we saved Halloween, so give me those candy, give me them three musketeers or whatever. Yeah! And then through Indonesia as the sirens of the police, we board a plane, board ourselves on delicious Halloween candy.

Knowing that, hell yes, the boys have done it again. Once again, the boys have saved a holiday, this time by killing Satan. Yes. And as we go back on the plane, I will panic to myself that I vaguely skimmed several Wikipedia articles in my attempts to instruct us this time. I wonder if truly I did save Halloween.

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've also been Joel. I've been Jackson. Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween. The devil's fucking dead. We fucking got him. Yeah. The devil's fucking dead We fucking got him Yeah Zam it, zam it. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there.

There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. Good night forever. Kisses.