Plumbing the Death Star - How Dare Wizards?! (Feat. Adam & Shanks)

Episode Date: January 8, 2017

In which our heroes witness a lot of fantastic beasts, find out where to find them and then rudely get their mind wiped of the whole event while asking "How Dare Wizards?!" Jackson agrees with the Second Salemers (no surprises there), Zammit has no faith in Obliviate, Shanks doesn't think the US ministry should trust Newt at all and Adam just wants to sing a song about brain damage. So join the gang as they explore the direct implications of the events of Fantastic Beasts and realise that, oh boy, things are wrong.Want to help support the show? Just head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and you can!In Sydney in Feb? Why not come see us live! Book your tickets here; http://edgetix.com/. And you can check out our new show Geekdown right here; https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbN8u4XzYwXQ-hLn-wgo3Jw. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio. That's a good idea. Hey everyone! Are you in Sydney on the 2nd or 3rd of Feb? Then why not come see us at the Chippendale Hotel? It'll be this show on the Thursday, and on the Friday, we're teaming up with Film Feuds. And this time, we're bringing our good friend Adam. Tickets are available in the show notes, seating is very limited, so get in while you can. And speaking of Adam, he's hosting this quiz show we filmed entirely in my garage. It's called Geek Down and episode one is now available on our YouTube channel

Sandspan CinemaScope. So go check that out. All the links to that and the tickets are in the show notes. Now, enjoy the show. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star in which we ask the important questions like How dare wizards? Oh no! How fucking dare they? Who do they think they are? Fucking wiping our memories like what the fuck? Like the end of Fantastic Beasts

which we've all seen when, oh gee whiz, an Obscurus memories like what the fuck like the end of fantastic beasts which we've all seen yes when oh gee whiz an obscurus got out thousands of people were dead died the dead in can inconvenience a bunch of people die a lot of the city is destroyed and then the wizards are like look let's just pretend none of it ever happened let's mind wipe an entire city with fucking our magic bullshit and fix the city and how exact are they about the amount of memory that's being well fingers crossed no one gets brain damage well it's that like the joke in eternal sunshine when that when he's signing up to get the procedure done he says like am i gonna get

brain damage and he says like well technically the procedure is brain damage so surely this is just I going to get brain damage? And he's just like, well, technically the procedure is brain damage. So surely this is just selected brain damage. Yeah, well, you would imagine. A storm of brain damage passes through the city. We are the good guys. Away, obliviate.

That's what it feels like. You're like, why? You're watching the movie and you're like, they got him. And then you're like, wait, that's us. Excuse me. What? Does that mean Manhattan is a couple days behind the rest of the world? That's a good question Does it work based on a time allocation

Like it's removing the last couple of days Or just a couple of days related to the memory things Like the man in black thing The problem there was that they had to sort of convince an eagle To be like this is the specifics we want So not just wipe their memory, but wipe their memory in a way and then implant a memory

that it was just a giant rain season that real fucked everyone good. Does the eagle have any control over it? The eagle makes a storm, but he doesn't make the memory wipe stuff. It's a poison from a other creature thing. Yeah, which means it's not exact at all. It's just like a random let's not exact at all. It's just, it's just.

Oh, yeah. Just like a random, let's hope we got it. What is Scamander just doing his calculations wrong? All of Manhattan just grueling. Calculations. You see him do any calculations? Scamander just does it, right? Yeah.

And he's trusted by the American ministry to be like, go for it. Like, he was a fugitive, like, ten seconds ago. Like, you don't know anything about this guy. He could be killing all the muggles. He has broken laws. Imagine if they were just like, we chuck. He could be killing all the muggles. He has broken laws. Imagine if they were just like, we chucked it up there, and all the muggles just start dropping. Oh, no.

I'm also Johnny Death. Gotcha. Because it was a death from above, wasn't it? That was the creature he got the poison from? Yeah, I think so. Or was it a different creature? I don't know. Because the big eagle thing comes out.

Call Dave. The big eagle thing comes out at the uh end and the america what are they called american ministry yeah i don't know what they're called magical uh continental congress or something like that misis or something maccus maccus maccus that's the one um but they don't they just see the the eagle and they're like Fly eagle fly They don't know If they're like And also drop the poison Yeah like they They don't

They just trust him And they shouldn't Madam President scares me On a fundamental level Because I feel like If it were If I were If I'd seen something magical

And they couldn't Obliviate me They'd kill me Yeah oh definitely I feel that right Yeah They've got no Time

Like in that movie The muggles that are, like... I don't want to be death-potioned. You don't want to be... Yeah, exactly. Dropped you in that strange thing of memories. Oh, yeah, that was fucking crazy. That was messed up. But, like, you know, we're supposed to hate, in that movie,

the witch-hunter people, because they're beating each other with belts or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, the sentiment is right. Yeah. Like, I'm with them on, like, a basic level. Yeah. You know?

I mean, don't beat your kids, but, like, the wizards shouldn't. Well. Unless they're magical, then you gotta get them. Does it still count as, like, assassinating a president if they were, like, a presidential hopeful? Because that's kind of what they do in that movie. Yeah. MACUSA. MACUSA.

MACUSA, yes. That shore guy. Yeah. Like, he was going to be president or something like that, right? He was a front runner. Yeah, but that was more of a senator. That was Obscurus. That wasn't...

This was basically... Yeah, that was. That wasn't the ministry. That was more of a point the side plot that went nowhere. Like, literally nowhere. Don't worry. We'll get it in one of the five prequels. Right.

Great. Who knows how effective this magic is? Because it's not very, because it's Kowalski, that's his name, yeah? Yeah. He remembers it because he makes things out of the things he saw. Yeah, that's true. Plus, he's in the next one. Yeah.

So, like, it didn't work. Or is it reversible? What if you had a rogue... It is reversible. Yeah, because in the Harry Potter books, Gilderoy Lockhart slowly gets his memory back after he obliviates himself. Right. And Obliviate, which I'm assuming is far more specific.

Yeah. That's far more intense than a... So probably really easy to reverse the... This is like Willowbark compared to the... Aspirin. Aspirin, yeah. Is this kind of like if they see anything magical, are they just going to be like, oh, Jesus!

Oh, it's all coming back to me. Like a Donna Noble-esque type thing from Doctor Who where you mention space and she's like, oh, my brain's about to implode. Is this what's going to happen? The plot of the sequel is somebody's trying to play a movie that's just like, magic! And everyone's going to see it.

And everyone's going to get their memory back. A talkie on the radio it's like the wizard of oz no no no no no no no actually that'd be kind of sick if they went like you know the uh possibly apocryphal story of orson welles's uh war of the worlds when he did that uh radio play and everyone freaked out because they thought it was a real thing if they do that and suddenly the entirety of new york starts thinking like girl magic is real that would be kind of good because then you'd have like that proper conflict between muggles and wizards instead of just wizards fucking dominating us and us being like goddess yeah we don't even say that because we don't know i also hate how fucking because like it's not just that situation that one's bad that one's indicative of the whole problem but like if you watch all the films, you read all the books, wizards have this terrible opinion of us.

They do. Wizards think we're garbage. They do. Well, they kind of are. But so are they. But I always get mad because they're like, muggles don't know anything. Do they? And I'm like, you're wearing fucking pants. You took a train to your school. Guess who invented those? Us. Muggles. Well, this might be...

Gun pen? We did that. what have you done well this might be opening up a massive can of worms but when did wizards like no but when did wizards you say muggles made pants and sure but when pants were invented was it only muggles does wizards come from muggles? Or was there an Adam, Eve, and Albus? And that was kind of where, you know. Did we just like kind of make our own history where we just lie to ourselves that we made pants when really it was some kind of wizard? We're like, we're just all squibs.

Maybe that's it. Like maybe it was always wizards and then like we just asc like We're just all squibs Maybe that's it Like maybe it was always wizards And then like We just ascended From a group of squibs But the population of wizards Is really minuscule It's gotta be

You know I remember reading it For another episode It's tiny It's like Not even a hundred thousand In Britain or something Yeah It's tiny

It's very small But then is it like An X-Men thing That's like I don't know Or is it like a left handed thing You know what I mean Yeah You know what I mean? Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like a certain percentage of the people are just this. So not to make it X-Men again, but like Apocalypse, would there have been like a wizard in ancient Egypt who was like the dude? Like Ra was just some sick, like, pre-Slytherin. I remember somewhere in a book They're talking about like cavemen Being wizards So I think it's like

So I think like From the dawn of humanity Of like the Neanderthals The Homo sapiens And then just like whatever wizards are Or even like a Neanderthal fucking wizard Oh man And like the original ones just being sticks You grab off a tree like just snapping it Because for some reason when you say Neanderthal fucking wizard. Oh, man. And like the original ones just being sticks.

You grab off a tree, like just snapping it. Because for some reason, when you say Neanderthal wizards, I picture like, you know, cavemen in Flintstones. And then like panning right, there's just like somebody in a Hogwarts uniform. Like they're still looking. Little tie, little skirt. They've got like the giant club. Like, I don't care.

Smack him in the face A club wand is fucking sick That's so good And then when magic doesn't work You smack a cunt Yeah You know why they have such a disparaging opinion of us? Because they've been isolated from us

Since like witch hunting times Which is when they separated from the general populace I always had this theory that our muggle cultural idea Because we have an idea of wizards. Like we're already, like as muggles, you know, we write stories about wizards. That is just from centuries and centuries and centuries of obliviating. Like, you know how like, whatever his name is,

Nomadge mate from Kowalski. He's making like the dough of like magical creatures. I think it's quite fresh in his mind. But us, we've just got this idea of wizards that have obliviated us so long it's become like this cultural idea that we all have in our heads. Same with dragons.

When you've expressed that opinion once before and I couldn't stop thinking about how funny would it be if in the Harry Potter canon the Harry Potter books are because J.K. Rowling got obliviated. And just remembers it. And just is like, I like I gotta get out somehow I always had this theory and I think I've expressed it in another episode that we were like mates with wizards up until World War II and that wizards during World War II saw what we did what we were

capable of doing to minorities that'd be great and they're like oh god and then they did like a group obliviate on us because well yeah, yeah. I think they say specifically, though, it's like the Salem witch trials was roughly when they decided isolationism. That's cool. I like that a lot. I think it was, yeah, the witch trials were when they became isolationists. I think World War II would have been the final nail in the coffin of, like, yeah, we are definitely helping these fuckers. Well, the only reason I chose World War II is because they have, like, radios and, like, record players and all of their technology seems to stop around World War II,

which is when we maybe stopped sharing our goods. And Grindelwald was meant to be in cahoots with the Nazi party, wasn't he? Of course he was. They just say that they did it at the same time. That seems kind of coinciding-y. Yeah. It does seem weird the wizards wouldn't help against the Nazis. Why didn't wizards stop the Holocaust?

They can, but they just didn't. Adam's opinions aside, they were pretty clearly the bad guys. I'm not a racist. You know who would say that. Hitler had some right ideas. That's all I'm saying. Well, I think politically he had some very right ideas. That's what I'm saying. Well, I think politically he had some very right ideas. That's what I meant.

But like one wizard going into Auschwitz, just one. Yeah. Could have saved a genocide. Could have stopped a genocide with one jelly leg. Exactly. But instead the wizards are like, I don't want to get involved in Muggle affair. Fuck off to Finland.

I think this is the problem of isolation. So we had the witch trials then all these atrocities happen in the human world. The human realm. And they were just like, well, we're not getting involved no matter what it is. So hopefully in the next kind of films we get people being like, no, no, we should be helping

and then the MACUSAs or whatever being like, no, no, no. We shouldn't. I've got a spinoff. Okay. I want to see Rogue One, but magic, World War II, where the whole wizard community is like, we're not helping, but there's this little, like, rebellious wizard who's like, I don't care what you say, we're going to do him a bit.

And, like, this, like, little ragtag group of, like, rebel wizards sneak into the fucking beaches of normandy and help out the goodies oh man don't you want to see like all the different like magical abilities like ones uh what are you called the ones that can become animals yeah like an animagus or whatever just like a big lion running up the beaches because i don't want to see like all wizards involved in one and two that would just be this big fuck off ridiculous spectacle but if it was this little ragtag group and you kept it kind of

small yeah just like the 501st infantry has like I think the Star Wars thing that's why I pulled that out whatever there's one little infantry platoon has a secret wizard in

there so good that would be kind of cool tell me if you learned about wizards you wouldn't be like get them on our side imagine you know how like you hear an army company has like a

pet bear? What if that bear was secretly an anime? Hang on. The bear's kind of cool enough as it is. Like a bear in the mind of a human. That's even better. It's more like what if the soldier was secretly a bear? That's cool.

Humans, we already know about them. The the pm of uh i was about to talk about yeah imagine the fresh hell that is his life he hates there's a compilation i think compilation but in like one of the books there is like a sequence and it's just like uh like all of the terrible wizard events getting told to the muggle prime minister which means that he does nothing about them because he can't they come in they're like hey so voldemort's back he's gonna probably kill a bunch of you we're not helping we're not telling you to like get you on our side or to offer you our assistance we're just letting you know bye it's kind of been like hey there's an invisible tornado coming good luck can i can you what huh excuse me can we uh that poor guy he tries so hard to get that painting removed the painting that tells him

that the wizard prime minister is coming and also like imagine if that if the muggle pm the muggo pm sorry muggo being what we all assume is Australian for Muggo. Muggo, it definitely would be. Muggo, it's got to be. It has to be. Check it all and confirm. So imagine the Muggo Prime Minister is like, I'm going to tell them.

I'm going to tell the community. I'm going to tell all of my fellow Muggos the situation. Do we think he'd be killed by wizards? Oblivied. And then, like, removed from office, I imagine. You'd have that second spin-off where it's like a Rogue Two movie. Yeah. Where you have a group of, like, what's the opposite of a rebel?

A person doing it right? A person who works against the rebels. A stormtrooper. So you kind of have just, like, for the government being like, a small group of us go in there then just obliviate this guy's mind. Oh, secret agent wizard. I want to see that spin off too. I want to see James Bond as a wizard.

Who's just like, you know, set off by the government to do like secret wizard activities that maybe are in a morally gray area. Like obliviating the prime minister. But I think the thing about wizards, the reason I hate them so much is that if, if like the wizard PM was like, Hey, don't worry.

We obliviated that mug. Oh fuck. All of the wizards would be like yay got him do you think it was fuck off like guys prime minister say we're just using prime minister here because there's also british he or she ever wanted to be like hey wizards maybe we want to know i want to tell the rest of the people that we exist and the wizards are like no then it's like well that's not very diplomatic we should discuss this and they have like congress like half magic half muggo kind of debating whether or not uh the knowledge of of wizards should uh should spread well you would think that at some point but i think wizards are too self-assured too too like um arrogant to ever even consider the muggles the muggles were like look can we can we chat about this they'd be like no

oblivion fuck off damn but they should they very much should i like to imagine one muggo guy at like all of the wiz like like whatever wizard un is and they're like we got you know the wizards from africa the wizards from asia we get the wizards from America, and this one Margot guy. Yeah, why not? You know, again, it's such a classic thing to say, but if the wizards had a gun, Voldemort would not be that much of an issue because two wands that fire at each other create that weird...

Only if they share a core. No, that happens heaps and heaps of other movies. Even in Fantastic Beasts they do it. Even in Fantastic Beasts, they do it. Yeah, I hated it when they did it. In the books, they say it only happens when it shares a core. Well, still, a gun is quicker than mash. We didn't see a lot of guns in Fantastic Beasts, did we? I kind of was ready for that,

because there were a lot of coppers around. Did the coppers shoot the Obscurus? They did. I tried to. There was a big shield, and they shot that, but I wanted to see some... I like that even though it could fly, for some reason the cops are like,

it flies, but we're going to set up a roadblock. And gosh, if that Obscurus didn't actually go for the roadblock. Ah, what a champ. I think that's the biggest problem with like, again, how fucking dare they mostly it's about just wiping our minds because after the events of manhattan we should learn from that i mean this is the this is a when we ever have any sort of attacks yeah or any kind of thing goes wrong disasters natural or otherwise we learn from that so that we then prepare for

that yeah so you again i think in the river tames they've got all these kind of like all right if there's a big flood or something going on we've got all this bullshit implemented so that we can operate that so then we're not fucked we don't have that opportunity we don't learn from this to go we're just like sheet i know with your example imagine if there was like a fire sweeping through melbourne that the wizards weren't somehow in control of yeah and they're like all right we're not going to tell anyone to evacuate we're just going to hope that we can quell it before too many muggos die i know what like what do i want to know what do wizards think will happen what do wizards think will happen once they're like hey how you doing what's up yo we're wizards what do you think we'll

do to evoke a terrible movie okay we will probably be like hey well wait we are gonna monitor you and we're gonna force some sort of legislature to keep you guys down and kind of like at the end of man of steel yeah superman just like grabs the satellite that's monitoring him and just like throws it in front of the general it's like hey hey, don't monitor me. I'm Superman. What are you going to do? I imagine that the wizards could just be like that. They don't have to pay attention to our laws. Yeah.

They could try. It'd be nice. Because I don't think we're going to try and stop them. I don't think we could. Someone will. Pauline Hanson does exist. That's a good point. And again, if there is a 1% chance that these wizards can go rogue,

we've got to take it as an absolute certainty. I think Hagrid in the first book... You're looking at me here? You're looking at me here bringing up my X-Men mutant issues? It's the same thing, though! Well, yeah, it is. You're the big proponent of killing X-Men. Would you kill the wizards?

Yeah, I mean, probably. We're getting by fine with Adam. Wizards have literally brought us nothing but our sake. And yet, when Auschwitz is brought up, I'm the bad guy. Well, wizards could have stopped Auschwitz, Adam. He just admitted to doing an Auschwitz. But Jews aren't magic, Adam.

He's doing a second. Jews aren't bringing dragons with them. He's doing a second. You're letting him do it. I'm the bad guy, am I? Minorities are not like, guess what? I can mind wipe you, torture you, mind wipe you again, make you shit yourself

on purpose, mind wipe you, then kill you. they're just like we're just existing it's very reasonable to kill all the wizards i disagree you monster but no i think that like again how dare they and i think trust works both ways jack well clearly the last x many centuries has proved that it doesn't on the wizard's part Well yes, but the thing is they didn't trust us because what happened?

Salem Witch Trust, do you know how many witches were actually persecuted in Salem Witch Trust? That's in our reality Even in their reality in the history book it's just like they do a spell and the fire doesn't hurt them and they pretend that it hurts them. And in the book, it specifically states that one witch

thought it was so fun that she allowed herself to get captured nine times. How dare they? No, I'm just on the side of I want to see that spin-off as well. Like this kind of masochistic sex witch, like hanging around Salem. masochistic like sex witch like hanging around salem like sorry that's i'm just name dropping my new frog band oh my god have you guys seen the witch the horror film that came out yeah i was meaning to oh it's good i just imagine that with like a harry

potter witch like ah get me oh man the witch in that film was so good you got to see it it's all right very good they spell it with two V's in that, don't they? I don't know if I like that I don't know if I like that either But I don't know if I don't like that Weird, the bitch Apropos of nothing I drove past, drove, I don't drive

I was on a train here and I went past a building I think it was like It was an apartment building and it said 27 Mews, M-E-W-E-S. And the person putting up the sign had clearly switched the M and the W, and it was clearly the M was an upside-down W, and the W was an upside-down M. And it was such a subtle thing, and I was like, oh, it's a bad day's work.

What? Maybe he's like, good. Got him. Maybe he did it, and then when he was presenting it, he was daring them to comment. Got him. Maybe he did it and then when he was presenting it, he was like daring them to comment. Yeah. I finished. Because it was one of those things that like,

I could see why nobody would notice this, but like it was so obvious that it was the wrong one. And that's why wizards should all. Because I was like, it works both ways. I mean, look, humans like, no, we're happy. I think this is, oh, this is trust issue. Because they're like, if we find out you're a witch, we're going to burn you. But then they're like If we find out you're a witch We're going to burn you

But then they're like Well if you're going to burn us We'll just pretend to be burnt So fuck you And then they just take it to the extreme Because not only if you find us out you burn us Well guess what We can wipe your mind

So it feels like we poke the bear And the bear just wiped our mind I like them patronising us by pretending to get burned. I think that's them being like, well, let the children play. Let us burn you. Let the Wookiee win. Excuse me? What, Jack?

That wasn't the takeaway message. Let us burn them in our ovens? Is that what you're trying to say? If the wizards were like, look, it's not working, then maybe we could come to an accord, but letting us hurt them So our first go-to move Is to burn them

I'm sure that wasn't our first go-to move Oh, guys, it's not working We're like, oh, it's not working Well, I guess we're going to have a discourse now No, we're going to be like You're following the False wizard narrative That's what this is Because you're imagining that this're following the false wizard narrative, Sam.

That's what this is, because you're imagining that this burning is coming out of nowhere, where evidently it's not. Evidently, we've had centuries of wizards- Of wizards stopping the harvests from growing. Exactly. My maze! In the Harry Potter world, it is not- They're stopping the ma- How dare they!

It's not a reasonable practice to assume that the wizards are spoiling our milk. That the wizards are killing our cats and livestock. Actually, hang on. Wizards are very reckless with their matches. Yeah. You see them occasionally. They'll just cast a spell and then something else will just go boom and off to the side. But people are also stupidly superstitious.

But with reason why, it's not outside their own possibility to have fucking, you know, Jack B. Dingus going like, I'm gonna stir up me pot of soup, and as they're stirring it, getting forgetful or whatever, and then someone's milk spoils next door, because that's

part of the twin spell. Plus, I think the wizards have been rather, alright, I don't like the obliviating stuff like that, but when they were like, separatist, that was rather reasonable because that solves the problem of, we try to kill them

and it solves the problem of, they try to fuck with us if, you know, depending how high a level that is. The problem comes in where, you could be separatist, but if we discover you, don't obliviate us, just be separatist. They're basically like a shadow government for the entire world. They're a one world order.

They are like the Templars or the Stonecutters. They're the Illuminati puppeteering the planet. Alex Jones needs to do a radio show about, like, wizards. They don't care about what's happening. It really does. They don't care about what's happening to muggles. They just care that we don't know about them. They're not puppeteering us.

I think they kind of do care, but I think it's from a caring place. Like, I don't think they're like, we don't want those muggles to get too smart for their own good, see? I think they kind of want to make sure things are cool. Like, for every World War II that happened for every Hiroshima, I reckon there were probably a couple of muggle disasters that were averted with the help of the ministry.

That's the vibe I get from the fact that they do have some governmental ties. Yeah, and they can't be everywhere. But also, then there comes the problem. They probably saved us from a Clinton presidency. Like, they saved us from lots of things. Good on them. But this problem there with their isolationists, yes, they can be isolationists if they have their own island or whatever,

their own country where their word is law and all that kind of stuff, but they don't. They coexist with us. Yeah. In fact, there could be a fucking wizard house on top of this house, and we wouldn't know. You'd have no idea. You'd have no idea.

Not their style. They'd do it in between houses. Oh, yeah. There's a scene in The Half-Blood Prince where they're like, we need to go into whatever Grim, maybe it's Order of the Phoenix, whatever the Sirius Black's family home is. Sirius Black's? Sirius Black's family home.

You know where that is? An inner city family living next door. It's in between two apartment buildings. Yeah. And when they, like, bwop, they open it, it just pushes the other apartments aside, and they're like muggles in there, just drinking their tea as everything shakes,

like it's no big deal. Douglas Adams wrote in the Hitchhiker's Series about an SEP field, which is somebody else's problem field, whereby basically you could just have a UFO in the middle of the street and cast using someone else's problem technology. People would see it, but they'd just be like, oh, that's someone else's problem.

So no one would ever register that it was there. And is that kind of the truth with some wizard magic stuff? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, most people can see it. With Hogwarts, isn't it that they basically have someone else's problem field all around it? So everyone's like, well, it's over. Kind of the truth with some wizard magic stuff. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, some wizards can see it. Hogwarts, isn't it? They basically have someone else's problem field all around it, so everyone's like, well, it's over.

Nah, don't worry about it. Yeah, the Westworld, this looks like nothing to me. It's kind of like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it... Doesn't Hogwarts look like a burned-out castle? Yeah, it looks... Hull it out, empty. It's got a big sign that says,

do not enter or be liberated. The only thing they have to fend off is film students. Yeah. They're trying to make real moody music videos. But, like... In fact, they're they're like doing a poker class and there's just like film crew behind them yeah there's a black metal band in full makeup just like running through the room film crew's like someone else has already come in here

you guys shouldn't have a Harry Potter movie what? the universe collapses but like it's interesting You know we're talking shit Like at the idea that When we were burning witches That wasn't justified But when was Salazar Slytherin around

When was Hogwarts founded Oh man he should be burnt Yeah there is evil wizards That's a thing Evil wizard Also I mean like This is like Beautiful

When is your tour I don't know well this uh you just get a little little bit of sizzle for a massacre sex which but like and there's i don't know like um uh uh what was i gonna say evil wizard yeah so here's a here's something that it would be maybe like interesting for us muggles to know. Souls exist. Oh, that's true. Do they exist for muggles? Do muggles have souls?

Are we dogs? In the way that in Star Wars, only Jedi ghosts we see. Like if fucking... Good one. If, you know, Grand Moff dies in the Death Star Spoiler alert for the original Star Wars Can Grand Moff's ghost Come back? That'd be very funny

Just sitting watching Vader getting burned Being like dickhead That's actually a great edit that needs to be made Where Luke looks up and it's all the friendly Jedi And then Grand Moff Tarkin's ghost appears And Luke's just like the fuck is this guy? It's me. I'm just going around.

I'm just getting mad. I'm disappointed in all of this. Well, then wouldn't it be interesting for us muggles to know we don't have souls? Well, yeah. But no, when all the souls are coming out of Voldemort's wand,

aren't some of them muggles? Yeah, they are. One of them is. So we got souls. We're rocking them. Wizards aren't letting us them muggles? Yeah, they are. One of them is. One of them is. So we got souls. We're rocking them. Wizards aren't letting us know that. That old guy is a bloody champ.

He comes out and he's like, that the guy that killed me? Get him, Harry. Do muggles therefore have an afterlife within the Harry Potter universe? Because it feels as though the afterlife is kind of only accessible through the use of magic. Magical paintings. That's clearly some

degree of afterlife point uh ghosts ghosts only in the magic realm can it be muggle ghosts and uh that's a lonely existence if you're a muggle ghost like wizard ghosts get to be like hang out and be like the moment you become a muggle ghost you're kind of like get access to the wizard biz no you actually can't be a muggle ghost because only a wizard can stay behind. So there must be some magic to it because nearly headless Nick is like, if you die and you're afraid, you don't want to go on for whatever reason you don't go on, you become a ghost instead. But the go on implies some afterlife.

But muggles aren't getting it. A white empty train station. Muggles can't stay as ghosts. But like, you know, another thing that the Muggles could have told us, I mean the wizards could have told us about, is in the sixth book when the Dementors attack London and they suck

a bit of Dudley's soul out. Yeah. That's not good. No one really does anything. You know what would be really good for the wizards to tell us about? Oh, werewolves exist. Yeah. You know all these magical creatures? Also dragons. They'll fuck up your town.

There's an actual, there's a group of wizards whose job it is, is when like a magical creature exists to just like mind wipe us. Yeah. You know, Jackson, you know what the wizards are keeping you from? Squatches. Squatches. Squatches. They are too.

I think the Yeti is a book in the... It is. The Yeti is a book in the... It is. The Yeti is a book in the... What is it called? The Book of Magic? Fantastic Beasts and... Oh, the name of the movie. Does it imply a variety of squatches

of which sass is only a single variety? You've got your sass squatch, you've got your bass squatch. Squatches of the world. You love your squatches and they're taking this from you How fucking dare they Why? To what end?

What are you getting out of it, wizards? I have a pitch as to why wizards are keeping themselves from us I think that all of the holy texts of the world Were written by wizards To test how humanity would react To higher powers existing And much like in star trek's prime directive they have made the decision we cannot interfere with a more primitive people i mean if

i don't know you guys like star trek at all but they have the prime directive is like if you haven't accessed warp travel you can't interact with them because they're still evolving still finding their identity as a species and wizards are maybe kind of the same like if if they started wizarding it up and they're like hey would, like what would that do to an already fairly religiously indoctrinated population of the world? That would just shatter so many kind of fundamental religious things and also create many more. The church of muggles who kneel at the altar of Albus Dumbledore would be, would be massive. Because here, here's just a legit,

like all of the stuff we, we've got about Christ and all that. He's centuries years old, but walk on water. Motherfucker can, you know, giggle through fire. Like,

I know in the past, what did a wine? What did a butterbeer? You're going to be like, what are the butterflies? But you know, in the past, we've joked about Jesus being a wizard. Yes. What are the butterbeer? You're going to be like, what are the butterflies? Whoa! Well, you know, in the past we've joked about Jesus being a wizard. Yes.

But if you assume that, like, you're saying that all of our current religion, like, what if that's a wizard ploy? Oh, to keep us in the dark. Yeah. What if they're like, look, in the past we didn't have as complicated or as clever spells we couldn't obliviate everyone but people are gonna see us do wizard shit so if we create the idea of saints we create the idea of your jesus's your miracles existed before they separated from

us well or so we think do they find it in our minds yeah or so we think i mean i was i was sort of more pitching what if it's kind of a litmus test to figure out whether or not we're mature enough to deal with supernatural things. I like that idea. I want to see the wizards that are like planting religious relics to make everything look like it's a lot older than it is.

That sounds like fun. That sounds like a good job. Ministry, if you're listening, I know a little bit about archaeology. I can help you out that put me in high i don't want any magic i just want to fool people it'll be good because then i could like magically ageify something yeah so like this parchment so what are they looking for from us what's uh their goal what they're actually i'm sticking with my star trek thing they want a Roddenberry and Utopia where our

ideals and philosophically minded joyous perfect people are at the logical end of our technology where we're not destroying the planet and killing people when we're mature from a group of wizards who very almost systematically birth

a dark lord. Like, once a fucking generation. That's true. Maybe we're keeping them in the dark as well. Like, when you can stop birthing Moldavans. But you might be onto something here. Oh, but wizards do religion as well. Do they?

Yeah. That's sick. They decorate for, like, Christmas and stuff. Yeah, they do religion as well. They just can be aed over from all the Muggle-borns. Hogwarts is... J.K. Rowling once stated specifically, it was like a tweet, so take this as canon as you want,

but that Hogwarts is a non-denominational school. Well, they again, because they have, you know, Muggle family, that kind of stuff. I mean, I celebrate Christmas, but I'm, you know, not even Jewish. Well, I think you might but I'm, you know, not even Jewish. So there you go.

Well, I think you might be onto something here with this whole prime directive, because, again, Jack, if you yourself had found out that wizards exist, what do you want to do? Do I know wizards exist right now? Yep. Do I know where they are? Yep. What are you actually...

What would you actually do Strapping on a suicide vest and running So I know where Hogwarts is For this mind experiment Yes Okay Well the hardest part is going to be Convincing anyone to nuke an abandoned car

Well You've just proven their point I think you're kind of proving their point that like maybe we're not ready to know that they exist i don't know that we could hurt them in any but that's this is it then this is the witch trials again yeah they would just fake it and be like not weren't ready again now you know this is what happened oh it looks like we're gone yeah well done maybe this is what happened they were like Luke, we're gone. Well done. Maybe this is what happened. They were like, all right, let's see where they're going. Well, let's present ourselves to the world.

And like, hey, we're here. We exist. Isn't that sick? They're like, burn them. They're like, well, dickheads couldn't comprehend. That witch who liked being burned is going to love nuclear fire. But again, it didn't just come out of nowhere. You've got your Salazar's.

I'm saying people already kill them But you're like You're just going straight to wiping them out They're rotten eggs They don't want to be wiped out There are two we know of I mean Hitler existed but I don't think we should cleanse the earth of humans Yeah Well I'm one radical gentleman

That's one radical Anti-wizards opinion I'm sure if wizards came out to a more reasonable person Then we'd open a dialogue with them and sort something out Jack you have two modes One of them is laughable goofball The other is genocidal mania But again if you think about this

You're saying like oh what did the wizards do to cause asylum witch trials What if they did nothing What if they said we exist and we're going to turn this water... Your no smoke without fire argument has been used before to incite terrible things. But we already know Salazar Slytherin existed. Salazar Slytherin hates a muggle. This group has had enough of your fear mongering. This is very Trumpian.

So again, you have one wizard being like, look, guys, hi, Salem. Hey, there are such things as wizards and witches. Look at me turn this bucket of water into butterflies. Isn't that amazing? They're just like, you are an abhorrent, you're an abomination, and you are spitting in the face of our god, as Shanks is pointing out. And then they're like, well, you are

clearly not prepared for this. We're going to burn you. Sure, buddy, burn us, I guess. And then one person will be like, oh, burning us? Oh all get on top of that sit in this room for his health hating human beings I was about to say it looks like you're fighting against the room to even it up I was gonna take your side thank you but exceptionalism look at it you're like oh us humans we're so bad I'm not saying when the Wizards out of nowhere I'm not taking

we're bad but right now you're like You found out that wizards exist Your go to is nuke Ultimate power corrupts ultimately Because historically speaking We did burn witches And they don't exist So they didn't do anything wrong

And we burnt them anyway To Jack's argument So like we said Jack Jack knows about wizards and he's like, I'm gonna kill them all. He has to convince someone to try to nuke them. How hard is that?

One wizard could wipe out a lot more humans than one human could wipe out wizards. If I was a wizard and the roles were switched, humanity's done.

Yep. You know? It is. That's so much power for, like, I hate mutants. Because one mutant might be on fire, right? And could potentially burn down a house.

Wizards can be on fire. They can torture us. They got a spell. We can torture them. Not with one wand. We can with like a towel and a bucket of water. Yeah. A wizard could get out of that. Mother can't. a towel and a bucket of water. Yeah. A wizard could get out of that. Muggle can't.

How? Wizard could use wandless magic. Apparate. Become a dog. He'd turn the water into butterflies, which would lift the towel. I wish he didn't teach him that spell. It's too useful. Far more useful than we ever... Imagine like a muggle wizard war,

and they're just going to all of our reservoirs and water supplies. He's going like, butterflies, butterflies. There's a... So thirsty. There's a muggle wizard war. And they're just going to all of our reservoirs and water supplies. You're just being like, butterflies, butterflies. There's a... So thirsty. There's a Vonnegut book. I forget what it's called. And in it, somebody invents like a compound that if it touches water, it will instantly freeze it

no matter how large the body of water is and how great that can be and how potentially dangerous it is. And if that's what our butterfly spell is, like if you just said it once on the ocean, the whole planet is butterflies. Or just one real big one.

Mothra squared. In a straight out fight we lose because humans, humanity, we lose because they can get rid of our guns but we can't get rid of their wands. Yeah, we can snap their wands. If we get up to them in time.

Yeah, but they could be like, ah, your gun is a snake from any range. But you're still fear-mongering here. Because 99% of wizards... It doesn't take 99%, it takes one guy. Yeah, exactly. There was one guy, and the rest of the wizards stopped him. That's probably why they're being so isolationist.

The rest of the wizards denied the existence of that wizard. All right. Let me explain to you something. The good wizards need to win 100% of the time. Because if they lose once, we're fucked. We're done. We're in the dust. But that's assuming that the one plan of the evil wizard is

to destroy all humans. It always is. It was. That was Grindelwald's deal. No, he was just like he just didn't want to be living in the shadows. No, no, he wanted to enslave us. But also he can't just do that with one spell. There's no like one destroy planet spell. I'm looking at a dungeon master right now. Is there

a destroy planet spell? In Harry Potter I don't know they have yet to release the harry potter dnd module is it like just like a long one like the age of empire's equivalent of building a wonder like it'll take a thousand years but then you're good i think we could go into destroying the world in dnd but let's not the elder wand you can get it done no it'd be a long video with the elder wand exactly oh wait unless they get you in your sleep no you can't it done. No, it'd be a lot longer. No one can defeat you with the Elder Wand. Exactly. Oh, wait, unless they get you in your sleep. No, you can't be defeated with the Elder Wand.

That's the point of the Elder Wand. Everyone keeps getting defeated with it. It's actually not that good to have the Elder Wand. I wonder if users of the Elder Wand... It's almost like death tricked people into getting the Elder Wand, you fuck. Anyway, no, you could... Yes, they have to be winning 100% of the fights. But it's like if they lose, they still have to then react to that. And if they lose, it's going to be a series of a lot of losing to kind of enslave us and fuck us all up.

Because, again, wizards aren't as much as a mini nuke as you think they are. Yes, they have power. Yes, they have all this potential. But they can't wipe out a city block. Giants. Dragons. That's not a wizard. We can nuke the giants.

That's a thing wizards have that we, muggos, don't know about. They only need to take over the world. Voldemort gets the giants on side. Hogwarts just gets dragons. There are people whose job it is to collect over the world. Voldemort gets the giants on side. Hogwarts just gets dragons. There are people whose job it is to collect and train dragons. You're telling me that if wizards weren't like, let's destroy a city, they couldn't be like, yo,

dragon. Then you've got this problem now, Jack. You've gone and killed every single fucking wizard, right? You haven't killed the giants and you haven't killed the dragons. Now they're just there. They're easier to deal with. But the people that we knew how to deal with them, they're dead. Yeah, but like, you can set a giant on fire. Gi're easier to deal with. But the people that we knew how to deal with them, they're dead. Yeah, but you can set a giant on fire.

Giants are all mystics. You belligerent. I'm picturing Jackson just running up to a giant who hasn't noticed him, just with a little lighter at the top of his head. Giants are nearly extinct, and dragons are just dumb animals. We can handle both of them. Also, our only real knowledge of Harry Potter is from the books and the films, right? And in every one of the scenarios... Are you about to argue unreliable now, Randy?

Because I'm with that. No, no, no. I'm about to argue, I guess, plot armor. Within this universe, the good guys win. They've won every time. It's like betting on Sebulba. He always wins for a great Phantom Menace reference But then Anakin wins

There aren't enough of them There aren't enough great Phantom Menace references So therefore I think any evil wizard Kind of will lose If history has taught us anything We could almost just be blasé about the whole thing It'll win out

And also with a long enough timeline It is probably, yeah The evil wizard will lose. Or at least... At the expense of muggles, though. It's always at the expense of muggles. Yeah, but even in our own world wars, yes, the evil muggle lost at the expense of a lot of muggles.

That's a long enough timeline. I'm an optimist. I believe that progress continues forward. I think there'll be less and less grindelwalds and you know less and less jackson's moving forward on both sides i think as the blood becomes less and less pure within the magical community ultimately it's going to be a moot point anyway oh now we're about new position again forced into breathing everyone gets magic then it's not an issue like if you take away

forced i'm with you encouraged interbreeding there we go that's not a bad point come on wizards marry a mugger like like there'd be a whole sex do your part like sorry if we learned about wizards that, like, a sick new fetish. Oh, yeah. Like, for sure. Absolutely, yeah. Magic porn. Stick your wands up my butthole.

Suddenly, like, bestiality porn would be fine because it would be animagus. Yeah. You want to fuck a dog? Fuck a fella. Yeah. Expelliarmus is my prostate. You want to fuck a cat? McGonagall's looking pretty good.

You're like, no. I did. Imagine somebody pissing and you turn into butterflies. It cascades over your body. Yeah, that's a way happier cum shot. Exactly. Imagine only the water gets turned into butterflies. You're hit with a lot of ammonia.

Say I'm a wizard. Right. God forbid. But say i'm a wizard right god forbid but say say i'm a wizard you know what i would do straight away sell my wizard cum that's a sick idea do you want a wizard baby yeah i've got the potential for a wizard baby fuck yeah that's it that's that's the fucking Like we did with the Neanderthals We need to breed each other out Exactly Even at playing field If we're all magic I'm fine

If we're all muggers I'm fine Just because I know you Jack Alright so we have We're into breeding So now the majority of us are magic But now we've got a bunch of squibs. We keep doing it until... Let him finish.

Jack, don't fuck this. I'm on your side, Jack. Like left-handed. I'm on your side. So what's that, 10% of the population? Yeah, 10%. Everyone looked at me. We need your opinion.

As a left handed expert Round it down as 10 There we go So 10% of the population are non-magic They can't have it no matter what we do with them Jack hold my hand You can do this I don't want to exterminate them

But I am thinking about it But my question I guess is this Who's inventing our technology He's doing it. But I am thinking about it. But my question, I guess, is this. Yes. Who's inventing our technology? Like, I know wizards can't make, like, TVs. Adam's squeezing my hand. Wizards can't make TVs. Because, like, magic, I think, interferes with electricity.

It does. Squibs could. Yes. So you're saying we take a disenfranchised and physically and potentially developmentally disabled part of our population and turn them into a slave workforce to make TVs? I don't want to say forced labor. But if we're all wizards and magic, then we have no need for TV because we can't watch it. Then fuck them. I'm not going to kill them, but the squibs can just be like this sad part of society we're all embarrassed by. not going to kill them but the scribs can just be like this sad part of society we're all embarrassed by i think we keep encouraging interbreeding with scribs because then you get magic down the line

yeah eventually we'll all be magic and that's fine i just think we let it run its course and and and you know love will win out foolish i thought you were about to say run its course and scribs will go naturally i love the idea of selling wizard cum as a business venture but not as a forced breeding out genocide this is the stolen generation literally but we all end up

magic well I guess Jack I like that forced into breeding place where we all I backed off, but we're attributing. That has been used before. But it's like my mutant argument. Everyone's like, Jackson, it's just like getting rid of the... Oh, Melody's having a night.

Melody's making the noise of a single drip of water in a cave. What? She is too. Because it's good to be magic. You know what I mean? But you can't watch TV. You can't do anything with electronics. I can eat a fucking candy that turns my head

into an eagle. But that's great for you, right? As someone who watches TV, whatever. But you look at the the wizards they see what we do is like to them what we do is magic they're like fuck you got an iphone what the fuck is this arthur weasley sees what we do is mad a lot of them do because they're like objectively they

have the magic objectively at the end of the day they are better than us. They are a superior people living in the shadow. Oh, whoop-de-doop-de-doo. I've got technology. Here's me, Zamit. I have a DVD player. Hello, I'm a wizard. I can turn a rat into a million dollars. They're better, and they hide in the shadows of the world,

controlling everything, keeping us innocent muggos in the shadows of the world, controlling everything, keeping us innocent muggos in the dark. And then they wipe our mind when we find a little hint of it. Just a tiny hint of this larger picture. Picture this. But they're protecting us. Oh, hey, picture this.

All right, I'm your side, Shanks. We go out in the woods. The tables keep turning. We go out in the woods, right? I'm a rogue agent. All right, me and Jack. Me and Jack. We're camping in the woods. We're camping in the woods. The tables keep turning. We go out in the woods, right? I'm a rogue agent. All right, me and Jack. Me and Jack. We're camping in the woods.

We're camping in the woods. I already don't believe this story. Out of the forest comes an amazing Squatch, right? Oh, Squatch time. Hey, what's going on? And we're like, oh my God, it's Sasquatch. Squatch. And then we have an amazing adventure with this Sasquatch, right?

We're like, holy shit, Sasquatch is a whale. He's our good friend. He's our good buddy. Then some fucking wizards come over yeah obliviate us and who knows what they've done to henry exactly what's your side exactly i actually don't it's gotten confusing so you're arguing against them but i don't know what your point is just catch me up on it so that i can help you uh i uh those fucking no i i think i think in that example that is a bad example because that doesn't even necessarily mean magic you just found a little sasquatch that can just be you know

you know two two two beautiful boys in the woods had a little frolic and we are and you got a little story but the sports is magical terabithia shit you know yeah i mean they're sad but it is a magical creature and as such Because they do exist And part of the wizarding mandate Is that us muggos can't The Sasquatch specifically Socialize or whatever In the book it says that it's a very isolated

It doesn't like interactions with people Well we got a friendly one We just found a friendly wood ape Well then maybe you'd be allowed to remember that The first person who saw an elk Probably thought it was magic A Sasquatch is non-magical enough That if enough people saw it

It would just be like Yeah it's just a mammal Yeah it's just like one of them It's just an ape It's just the kind of ape we got And the woods are keeping this from us No they're not Like the Patterson Gimli

Like all this shit It exists They don't catch all of it Imagine instead of a Sasquatch then it's a Grindylow Or a Groblin They just catch the stuff that's dangerous But also we're just talking about the wizards Keeping us away from magic

But actually there is a far larger Sort of series of events The wizards are seeing A grander picture of the world Than we are Us muggles get like this tiny glimpse at this larger picture. It's an analogy for the government. But also, the wizards aren't even seeing a larger picture.

Anything that we do, like technological advancements, all of that things that we do with science and shit like that, they ignore. So it's kind of like they're fucking us both real good. Because imagine the human race with our innovation and that kind of stuff. If we had access to magic as a resource, what we could potentially do with that,

likewise with the wizards. But because they're so fucking backwards and dickheads, they were probably like, no, no, new technology is bad because they're still stuck weirdly in like the 18th, 19th century. Plus,

you're assuming good, very good things of humanity. No, I'm not. I'm assuming things. Be they good, be they bad. They're just things that would be interesting.

But like, imagine a mega nuke powered by wizard magic. A nuke with a dragon in it with three dragons my point is that I don't know where I'm standing I'm good at convincing because I'm loud

I think like I can somehow see a kind of matrixian this was actually a cut subplot from the hit hit sbs2 series the wizards of oz um whereby like uh non-magical people had sort of stolen that kind of kidnapped wizards and were using them as like a battery farm kind of like humans in the matrix so it's like kind of the joke was there was a type of wizard called spinning wizard it was a wizard that just couldn't stop spinning and that was where their power came from and essentially because because all they did was spin they couldn't move vertically so you just

like would dig a wizard hole and trap them and then they'd just be stuck and it would just be an endless power generator just a spinning wizard yeah that's a man and removing the spinning like i feel like you could kind of like mine the uh the the mana or whatever the what's the word i'm trying to think of the magical energy yeah yeah yeah yeah um I think that that would be a thing that would happen. I kind of hope there's a subplot in an upcoming Fantastic Beasts thing. I think that's kind of cool. Well, like you could tap the power, like an obscurial or whatever it is. Imagine tapping the power of that.

That's a lot of energy. See, that goes against your Yeti argument. That's like trapping an animal and making it work for you. An obscurial isn't an animal. Yeah, it is. It's a parasite. It's an animal. It's like, it's not an animal. Also, first off, parasites are animals. Not always. No, an obscurial is not a creature. It is, it's a sentient creature.

But it's birthed from a wizard. But that's why Fuckface is keeping it. It's separate from that, though. Separate from the person. Yeah, but it comes from a person. It's not natural. Well, it is natural it is it happens naturally nobody it's evil though humans come from people well it is a little bit evil but that doesn't mean that you can capture it and make it like prisoners don't run in giant hamster wheels however we use a dragon yeah and ethically treat it people in prisons are always pretty jacked. Have a kind of self-powering cancer wheel

that's optional in the cell and just fucking jog all day. Why not? They want to get in shape anyway. There you go. Then they can shiv harder. There's this larger narrative of existence. That's what I'm arguing. Wizards are not only keeping us from spells. Wizards are also keeping us from magical artefacts, from from ghosts from the afterlife yeah wizards are keeping us from like like

potions which are not clearly magic yeah they could definitely fix cancer like they could sort cancer out that's kind of one i'd be like what are you doing um in that when there's war and injury so when there's injury and like in war where you lose a limb, they can regrow an arm. Yeah. You know what I mean? They can regrow bones. They can really think about the good that they can do for the medical community. They laugh in the face of danger.

Quidditch is a joy for them. Exactly. Plus, love. Love is a tangible thing for wizards. For us, when we talk about love, we either talk about it in this kind of sort of namby-pamby whatever, or we're like, ah, it's neurons in your brain.'s i don't think we know how to harness love but it well regardless they can't it's like a there's a they can harness infatuation they they have that weird rape potion yeah love potions yeah quotation marks and like that's such a weird little stuff like it's like

this innocent little thing but it's like no you no, you would have like, you would have like, date raped that guy. But on a heavy level. Yeah. Yeah. Because you make the victim the rapist. Yeah. Yeah.

It's very wrong. And it's just sold to whoever. And sold to children. At a joke shop. What a funny joke. Oh, man. Oh, man. Isn't there a,

why the fuck do you want potions? Love potion is fucked up Voldemort is fucked up I forget, Voldemort can't feel love Because his mum He was conceived through love potion Wait, really? Is that true? Yeah, his mum love potioned his dad

That's why his dad was really bitter Because his dad was like, shit, I didn't love her at all Yeah, he was just trapped with a kid Also, the potential for sexual abuse of polyjuice potion is pretty like wizards are a sex crime night exactly although i mean yes but maybe they're in some like very very utopic post-sex society like a thousand sexual revelations but that's not true because we still see like teenagers withers. I think Hermione makes a big shot of boners in the movies. Yeah, yeah. Excuse me?

It's mostly boners. No, Hermione makes some reference to plowing crumb. Yeah. Yeah, she does. When? I forget what it is. It's in the fourth book somewhere. Well, obviously, it's the one with crumb.

I think it's like she's just like, I liked him only physically, and then there's like a little giggle and we move on. And a single droplet of cum drops out between her legs. That's how it goes down. She slips on it. Ron's like... JK Rowling at her desk is like, yeah, that's subtle enough. Paragraph.

I like an argument with the editor. No, it's very important. The character was originally called Cum, and they're like, you just got to add an R. JK Rowling spells Cum with a K. That's what I've learned from that. This is subtle enough. Paragraph two.

But yeah, you're right. Think about the technological advances that we have when we simply have a horse, and we're like, well, we need crops, and so we're going to put this thing on this horse, and it's going to do, and what we could have done in several weeks, we could have done in an afternoon.

Imagine that, but with a dragon. Yeah. Or with any of the myriad of fucking- Wizards are keeping us from Utopia. Magical creatures. Well, but what would that do to the workforce? I mean, I believe eventually robots will be doing our

jobs for us in our Jetson society. But then, in the interim, people aren't enjoying that. There'll be no farmers left because dragons... There'll be dragon farmers. But then we have this... That is actually kind of true. It's like a... If we have robots... It would have to be staggered. Yeah, with robots, it's like a slow thing.

People will slowly upskill or change their skills. But if we introduce magic, there would have to be staggered. Yeah, with robots, it's like a slow thing. People will slowly upskill or change their skills. But if we introduce magic, there's going to be, oh, a Great Depression. Yeah. Probably. Well, it comes down to this idea of how does society and how do we work? Because if we've got all these magical things taking the jobs of unskilled labor kind of stuff, it's kind of then what is the point of existence? Is our point of existence just to simply work and to earn money

or can we maybe break through those social constructs and hit a utopia? I say we don't because we're scum as humans. Yeah, yeah, humanity is inherently evil. Self-hating human beings. Maybe I'm the only one who loves being human, I guess. It would take us to a post-scarcity society whereby we no longer need to toil to survive.

That's how you get Star Trek. Exactly, that's how you get Star Trek because that's what Star Trek is. And also then it's like, are you just so bored on Earth with nothing to do that's just like, go. But because of magic, we wouldn't be bored.

We'd be like, let's turn into canaries. Let's all of us see what it's like to live like a dog for a year. Oh, fuck yeah, that's sick. Who needs a holodeck when the world is... The world's your holodeck. You're like, you know what, today I'm going to turn my car

into a train and I'm just going to drive down the road. And if I hit anyone, I'll just regrow their bones. Exactly. Let's just chop my limbs off and then, oh, that's a bit much. Oh, the depths. We're gonna go. Also, time turners. C and B torture, Jack.

Time turners exist, which basically means that you can quick save life. Yeah. It's the best. I'm not cleaning my room, Mom. Fuck you. Like, killer. Like, rewind ten minutes. You're like, great, done. Still just won't. Not gonna kill you, though. It, rewind 10 minutes. You're like, no, it just won't. Still just won't.

Not going to kill you, though. It's kind of like this time. What do you mean this time? Nothing. Slowly just like drifts away. I feel like this is the exact reason wizards are keeping magic from us. It almost feels like that minority report where you have to go to a little hub

and be like, I'm going to imagine killing my boss. This is like, I'm going to kill my boss. Rewind. Time turn of magic. And you're like, that's really good. Notice the time turn on his neck. You're like, I reckon he to imagine killing my boss. This is like, I'm going to kill my boss. Rewind. Time turner magic. And you're like, that's really good. Notice a time turner in his neck. You're like, I reckon he's killed me before. I reckon he's killed me countless times. Several months after

Unification Day, there's like a wizard who's like, I'm sick and fucking tired. That Jackson kid's coming around again today, you know? You know he wants me to chop his limbs off and then throw them back? I just want to be a head for a minute. Feed me my cock. Feed me my dick fried

scrambled poached I don't care I want to try them all I was imagining myself as like the person who unified them and they're like ah yeah Jackson imagine if Martin Luther King or like one of those great leaders is like yeah okay well he degenerated really quick

he palpatined he palpatined. He palpatined hard. The sheevy bastard. Like, Department of Mysteries are like, oh, God, you want a time turner? There's a wait for those. A several-year wait. But then again, if you just take the time turner and move it forward, does that speed up the wait? I feel like you're fucking with time, and in the book book they quite early on say that that's a bad idea but they don't say it's not doable so you could

yeah absolutely go ahead to be my guest i think if we unify it's just this great utopia where everyone's having a blast i don't think so yeah i i think that it would be i don't know i i think that we would kind of destroy ourselves with it we wouldn't know what to do I think it would be the end of humanity human culture would stagnate we would be fucked then why are wizards why is it not happening

to wizards hang on because they always had it it's a prime directive what technology are they using they've stagnated already yeah they're stagnated

they're stuck they're stuck in the early like 1900 yeah or is that just England? Look at America. America was doing alright.

If we look at how they're sending owls, look at the way they dress, look at their traditions. They're doing a lot of that even in the Americas. Robes are new though. Robes is a new fashion style for wizards. Potentially. No. What? In America, none of the wizards are wearing robes.

Are they just doing that to blend in? Yeah. Because they spend a lot of time just on the street. Actually, I guess the queen of the macabre. Madam President. MACUSA. MACUSA. Again, I think the wizards already have.

That's what I was thinking. They already stagnate. They'll probably end up breeding themselves out. Well, good. Because they just won't evolve or they won't kind of get with the times as it was. Oh, does this mean

we don't need actually... Do we actually not need to worry about wizards? Will they just kill themselves off? Yeah. Then you'll get maybe the occasional one that's born to...

No, yeah, it was like, oh, it's obscured. But no, we won't because they won't repress themselves. You'll be like, oh, man, you're real good at magic tricks.

Good on you, mate. Is there any example in the Harry Potter universe, I'm just thinking of Phantom Menace again, like there's a vergence of the Force that creates Anakin, supposedly. Is there something like that in Harry Potter where a wizard was born of two muggles? Yeah, that does happen. Hermione.

Yeah, muggle-born. Oh, that's right. No, I thought she was a half blood no she's Muggleborn no she's mud blood she's a filthy mud blood I want to see that movie as well

that's a fun spin off it's like a little romcom you know get like Matthew McConaughey 10 years ago and like Jennifer Garner or whoever

and they have a baby that's magic and it's Hermione magic baby they slowly realise that baby Hermione is crazy which luckily we named her something fanciful I know Hermione. Magic baby. They slowly realize that baby Hermione is crazy.

We're still like, luckily we named her something fanciful. I know. Didn't you call her like Stephanie? Sue. Yeah, Sue. Hermione is not going to seem like such a strange name in like 10, 15 years. Yeah, that's true. That's true. There are a lot of kids named Hermione now.

Katniss and all the poor, poor kids. Anyway, I just think that the wizards are just kind of being dicks, I guess, at the end of the day. I think so. Keeping us out. They're not giving us the opportunity to learn from our mistakes, and that, quite frankly, rude. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. I've been Adam. I've been Shanks. Wipe them out. That Wizards of Oz thing you were talking about earlier sounds really nice. Oh, yeah, it's real good. It's real good. It's on YouTube now for free.

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