Plumbing the Death Star - How did the Hutts Rise to Power? (Feat. Mr Sunday Movies)

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

In which our heroes take a trip to Nal Hutta, start chatting to the locals and endeavour to start a criminal empire as we question just how the Hutts rose to power. We try to figure out how slug like the Hutts actually are, dry retch at the idea of Hutt Grease, and wonder if Hutts are just all muscle. Jackson proposes a symbiotic relationship between Hutts and Salacious Crumbs, James points out the similarities between Marlon Brando and the Hutts, and Zammit just wishes he could say Twilek without thinking of the delicious Twix chocolate caramel cookie bar, available from all good confectionary stores now. Twix. It’s the only one with the cookie crunch. So watch in awe as the Hutts exchange their evolutionary advantages for a life of crime, make human women dance for their entertainment and slither head first into the Great Pit of Carkoon.Want to help fund a study to prove the Hutt-Crumb hypothesis? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can contribute to this fascinating study.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least eight books on the evolution of the apex predator to crime boss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio. Stranger danger is just a way to stop you from meeting people. This episode's brought to you by Anna Little. Hey Anna, I'm pretty sure I've spoken online before. You've favoured all of Jackson's tweets, but never any of mine. Enjoy the episode. Hey, welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions, like how do the Hutts rise to power? They are just slug people. They're salty. No, they die from salt.

I don't know if they die from salt. I don't know if that's officially canon. I don't think even in the extended universe there's a scene where Han Solo's son salts. Pushes him into the desert. He just starts frying up. But, okay, so Jabba the Hutt. Yes. Hang on, do they have last names?

Or are they all just the Hutts? It's like a title. Or maybe it's a... I thought it was a race. No, it is. Yes. Hang on. Do they have last names or are they all just the Hutts? I think it's like a title. Or maybe it's a... I think, no. I thought it was a race. No, it is. It's a race. Are they Hutts?

Yeah, it's a race. Yeah. So that's like just nobody has last name. Everybody's just something. I guess if you live in Star Wars where your name can be like, beep boop, whatever. You've got enough names to get by. But okay, Jabba the Hutt is in like the desert.

Yeah. Hang on. Can we lay this groundwork that he's like a slug? Sure. Like, do you reckon he seems sl that he's like a slug? Sure. Do you reckon he seems sluggish? He's sluggish. He's not as damp as a regular slug. He's not as moist.

He's pretty dry. We will like if you mixed a slug with a cow, so like a leathery exterior, but probably the mobility of a slug. I just think a desert is an odd place to set up your operations. He doesn't look like he responds well to the heat, is what I'm getting at. Well, do we know what other huts look like?

Do they look like him? Yeah, they all look exactly the same, generally. And I know also, and I don't know whether this changes anything, they can also change sex. Oh, that's rad. Well, that will change something down the track. I don't know what. I know that's going to come into play.

Definitely. Well, there's that. It's like a bounty hunter in the Clone Wars show, and he's got like a kerchief or something. Like a hut bounty hunter? Yeah. What? Get out of here.

I think there is. How quick is he? Is he on a little rolly platform? A little skateboard? Is he really? No, I don't know, but he should be, because otherwise it would be like, take him out eventually. I know you'll get to it at some point.

Until he falls asleep. You're pretty quiet. I would have figured maybe, like, say Jabba. Yeah. Who was just a hut that let himself go. Maybe the huts are, like, very smelt, quick and agile, can wrap around you, constrict like a snake, and just crush you

From memory this one He's not as fat as Jabba Jabba's huge I figured Jabba the Hutt Was like a Marilyn Brando He's a lady He just let himself go But he does let himself go

Because you know how they Put that extended scene In the original And he's younger And he's moving about And he looks He looks way worse Like because of the CGI

Yeah yeah But he's got some movement to him. And clearly in the first... whatever movie he's in. Help me out here. New Hope? Return of the Jedi? In that one. Which one?

Don't do this to me, Simon. Return of the Jedi? Where he's in it? Yeah, the one he's in. Which one? Is it the one where he's a Where he's in it? Yeah, the one he's in. Yeah? Which one? Is it the one where he's like a big part or a small part? I don't know.

I don't know. The big part. The big part. I love how you know there's a bounty hunter heart, but you can't name the specific movie that he's in. Something from the Clone Wars. Something I've never seen. I've seen those movies.

When he's in the floating platform and there's a Sarlacc and shit. Okay, so Return of the Jedi. Yes. I don't even remember what my point was now. No, clearly he's immobile. Yeah. He can't move. He's eating them frogs all day?

Yeah. He's not going anywhere. He's frog fat. Yeah, he's frog fat. So at some point he decided that he was safe enough to stop moving Because I feel like as a hut you're a fucking vulnerable species Because you have no legs And you live in a world where everything has legs

Snails and slugs get by because like 50% of the bug world has no legs Or would huts be better suited for a more wetter climate? I feel like because... Because, again, think about a snake tail. Yeah. Snakes are very good swimmers. Yeah. You're saying huts are aquatic?

Or swamp aquatic? They are actually. Their home world, or a world that they adopt, is called Nalhata. Yeah. I'm embarrassed I know this. It's good. It's useful. And it's this giant swamp kind of world.

So then what the fuck are they doing on Tatooine? Because I think they've got like because they're all like a big crime family. There's another famous Hutt. When I say famous I mean nobody knows this. Called Durga the Hutt who's like his cousin. He's got like a big scar down his face or a birthmark. That's sick.

It's a scar. No it's just a birthmark. It's less cool but I'm still into it is he equally as like a crime king yeah he's equally they're kind of after you know the movie's finished they're like we need a jab of the hot guy and oh this guy except he looks slightly different he's got a birthmark don't mention it he's a bit touchy does that mean that like but how did they make that transition from a swamp-dwelling slug people to like, do you want to just do crime? Because they, like, how do you make that jump? What other races are going on in Nalhata? Yeah, what else?

What was it called? I think there was an, yeah, you're right, you got it. I think there was an indigenous population, and they came in and like got rid of them. But I don't know. I don't know. I just imagine a hot landing and everyone swats. You know when you see a lot of ants

eat like a piece of chicken? Yeah, sure. Like that. Because even if you had a thousand huts, I feel like you could just briskly walk away. I think all they need to do is one guy needs to convince one other guy who can move to kill a guy.

Yeah. And then that's how they find them. I'm guessing they'd have to have a lot of money or credits yeah to be like because once you're in power yeah exactly get as fat as you like exactly what's that mining magnate guy called what's his name clive palmer yeah i know at the moment if someone was like jackson guess what you're the king i'd be like oh my god bring me chicken cut off my legs I don't need these anymore. Useless. Okay, so I guess they've got money to do bribes. Yeah.

But how do they get the money in the first place? What are Hutts good at? Unless. So clearly they have to be doing, like, legitimate shit until they turn evil, yeah? Yeah, I guess so. Or what if, I mean, how old is the Hutt race? Like, could they, thousands and thousands of of years ago be quite svelte and capable and they build like this fucking whatever like this solid crime empire and then they're

like hey whatever we can devolve now we're safe enough to lose our legs well if they can change their sex what else can they change yeah that's if they're like you know used to be basically like you know oh my god like 16 packs and like four pecs and they all were just muscles. Fuck. They're like, we have ruled this known universe with an iron fist. I'm kind of hungry.

I want a nap now. Just that moment where they're like, did we stop predators? I don't think there are predators anymore. Fuck it, let's get fat. Bust me that cream frog But I mean he eats Hang on he just eats frogs Surely there's not that much fat in frogs

What is it? Is it a huddle muscle? Well I know they can also fight How? It's a lot of rolling around And slapping each other with tails Like fucking walrus. Exactly like walruses.

Holy shit. That's the best. No, I'm into Hutts now. Because imagine if Hutts' arms. Like sexually? Yes. Changing their gender. That shit is sweet.

It came back. Imagine if Hutts' arms and fingers is a relatively new addition. Okay, hear me out. I'm like, go on the walrus angle, okay? All right. And they... If they're all muscle, right? And it's just...

It's like... You know the sandworms in Dune? Yes. Imagine if it's all muscle and quite quick, because he's just like... Okay, so you know a hut has a torso? Yeah. Now flap that shit down on the ground and flop its face up.

Make it like a big, fat, speedy worm. Okay. And then the evolution that's happened is just a torso and head kind of swap in position so that he's got a bit more of an upright body and then he develops arms all right but you'd need for like again do the worm from june yeah his face like neck need to be like yeah because he's got such a huge mouth that's all i'm saying like oh yeah yeah yeah unless he's like slowly moved like evolved their neck facing forward are they just barreling towards, and just eating and going? Yeah, yeah.

Like a snail or whatever? Yeah, like just, like, tunneling. Just burrowing to the earth, being like, crime is my goal. Fucking crime. I wouldn't fuck with that. No. I'd be like, hey, planet's bloody horse, mate.

Oh, good. I like that. However, again, how do we leap from them being, say, like, the apex predator, just, like, tearing the shit out of everyone, to them being, like, predator, just like tearing the shit out of everyone, to them being like organized crime, crime family. I'll sell you your shit. What kind of crimes do huts do?

Human trafficking? I always imagined human trafficking. They do slaving. They do drugs. Yeah. They, you know, deal in whatever. I think they even have like legal operations as well. That's what smart lawyers do.

Yeah, that's right. Exactly. Oh, my God, yes. Now I'm into it. So I don't know What if I don't know if they could be If they were borrowing I don't think they'd be like let's have a sweet drug ring going on

They'd be like I'm just going to eat you Delicious gnomes Because they seem like they'd have to be all muscle I can't imagine what organs they've got going on I think they've got like a few hearts And stomachs and stuff like they're notoriously hard to kill as well yeah i guess if they are all muscle like yeah lightsaber blaster even just a sword to stab them it's like whatever and then they're gonna crush you exactly they get you you know up close like walrus style yeah like that yes so I guess they would have to

First off, how did they come to the planet? This must have been after they had all this Because I think they polluted their old planet Their old swamp I was going to say They ruined it If they invaded another planet and then enslaved that people, fine But then I'm like, how the fuck did they build a spaceship?

How does a... Oh god Because that that hot arms don't even fucking work how do they like how do they control a pedal well i'm assuming they wouldn't build a spaceship with petals what would they build it with i think every piece of technology they've got they've acquired i think their sole motivation is probably just eating initially. Yeah. Like we can get more food easier if we kill a guy or, you know, whatever. And then,

and then build something from there. I think it all stems from. I think you're right. I think, imagine this. Okay. Hot planet, hot planet of the hots.

They're tunneling around like blah, blah, blah, eating shit. Yep. Oh, here's a sentient race. Another one lands on this

planet and they're like, holy fuck. These guys are fucking terrifying. Where did they come from? And then the Hutts are like, argh, up to him. Stops and is like, facing his knees obviously because his head just faces forward. He's like, hey, if you like, give a shit, we won't eat you. And then slowly

that, because that's all they would have to bargain with initially okay right yeah ship lands down they get out they start exploring these giant hut worms just like tunnel around that ship the ship just falls down they're like where the fuck you gonna go we're sentient you're sentient we can communicate give a shit that language barrier is gonna be a hassle yeah like hey hudson they're like one's probably got a droid yeah whatever droids fucking everyone

put a rocky hit of droid in the Star Wars universe so I guess they'd be like yeah we've now got your would they even know what a ship was I feel like that would be like maybe the fifth ship to land and then they'd be like maybe the fifth ship to land. And then they'd be like, right, we do the circle thing. Like we practiced.

We got them. Because we keep killing the last people that come down. So I guess if people landed and were like, we really want to stay here, they'd be like, hey, we'll bargain with you. You can stay here, but give us some of your food. Yeah, we won't kill you. Because we don't know how to farm.

We don't have arms. We're just barreling through swamps, eating've ruined it somehow but then just because that upright torso makes no sense no it doesn't polluted their home planet do they go through like an industrial period they must have yeah i guess so how does a hut hold a hammer? How does a hut... I just like tiny little stub arms laying around. This raises further questions. Unless huts exist in like a symbiotic relationship with those little Max Grebo dudes.

A little like... Salacious Crumb, by the way. Yeah, so like Max Grebo... He's the band. He plays the band. Maybe they're all as Paris. Yeah, that's right. That's a really good point.

Because if Salacious Crumb does most of the finickity shit. Yeah, like those little birds that fall on a hippo and clean its teeth. Man, you guys are good at this. Salacious Crumb is. Not if it's based on evidence. I'm just like, Salacious Crom was there He has arms He's small and tiny

But yeah he doesn't serve a purpose though Like he's like a jester Yeah So why would he keep him there Exactly If it wasn't for that Like he's not funny No

It's just annoying He's doing most of the laughing Yeah exactly It would be like a jester Getting halfway through his own joke And just cacking at himself and me there being like,

if I didn't cut off my legs, I would have to walk over there and slap you. It would have been worth my time. Instead,

I'd have to sit here and take it. So, okay, we assume Salacious Crumb and his race are like symbiotically

with the Hutts. What's that co-evol, what's that? Yeah, it's not quite co-evolution It's just a symbiotic evolution I think I don't fucking know I was thinking they evolved at the same time And they evolved with them

Like birds picking crocodiles Can't you just imagine I didn't listen But like that Can't you just imagine salacious crumb Hippos pick the bird And just eat it Stop

Sit down I'll help you Sorry It's really easy to imagine salacious crumb Picking shit out of Jabba's teeth And like the folds of Jabba's teeth Somebody needs to clean that shit Because we're living on the swamp world,

and he's like a weird little monkey man who can't seemingly do anything. Yeah. He wants to be near that guy. Exactly, that's protection. And he'd probably get food out of him, like, literally. Yeah, like, genuinely out of those folds? Yeah.

Like, hot grease? Oh, my God. They would sweat in the build-up. You're back out again, aren't you? I'm back out. Hot grease is a disgusting thing to imagine. Oh fuck. Nasty. Yes. Moist.

So they've built up this relationship with and maybe those little salacious crumbs they're like also then would evolve to be more of like an ambassador. Be like hey. Yep. Thank you for landing on our planet. Not a problem. We would happen to give trade but we've got these like giant burrowing huts.

That does not sound good. They will fuck your shit up unless we start up with some trade, you know. Yeah. Whatever, some trade routes. Yeah, okay. Because like, you know, you see a little tiny monkey man.

I'm not threatened, but this giant worm appears behind him. I'm like, shit. They're like, oh boy. I guess we will deal with you. That seems like a reasonable-ish place to start. I think so. And then from there, crime.

Yeah, just crime. Yeah, straight up. If what you're saying, like a hut just wants food, which makes a lot of sense. Yeah. And food, to get more food, you want more power. And I think realistically the best way to get a food. I think food and

comfort yeah yeah yeah huts are hedonistic yes but if like if you want that power the best thing to do is probably crime because like it's the quickest way yeah i i think that way here's something that is puzzling though why have the jedis not been like, oh, Hutts, they're the criminals. They're doing crime. Every Hutts is a criminal. All Hutts are criminals. That's the way they operate. They're not going to run very fast. We've got swords.

Yeah, exactly. We can just... Are you condoning Jedi mandated genocide? Well, maybe like rehabilitation. No, genocide. That's fine though. The force doesn't work on them. They're more, they're

a peacekeeping force though. They're not generally, they're not butcherers. And hey, in some places maybe the Hutts are doing good. Maybe it's like good crime. I haven't seen that happen. But to be honest, we've only seen Jabba Durga and the Capote one. Is his name Capote? No, he speaks the Capote But to be honest, we've only seen Jabba Durga and the Kachif

Is his name Kapote? No, he speaks the Kapote accent, like voice in the Clone Wars, it's like pink and just ambiguous sexuality Is he clothed? This guy? He's got a kachif Like a cravat? No, a kachif, yeah

Does he have a gun, like a blaster belt? I think he must Surely in a fight he can't dodge anything. Unless Hunts can, you know if they're all muscle, they can just tense it up in one place and spring away. Hoi! I guess they just have to take the first shot and be like, good, I know who you are now.

But also, shot in your big eye. Yeah, fuck. Your big football-sized eye. I forgot about that. And also, they can't be that strong because Leia, who is like a frail human woman, can just choke him with a chain. And he's got like a big thick neck. Maybe as they evolve this torso, because clearly, like I keep coming back to it, but that mouth

is not designed for an upright animal. There's no way he uses that mouth. Like, we evolve for reasons. Yep. Unless he's eating, like, 40 watermelons in one go. I wouldn't put it past him. He's getting all that energy so he can spring. Yeah, exactly.

I didn't even think about energy intake. And he's just eating frogs. You don't need that big a mouth to eat frogs. So maybe when they evolved that upright torso and that forward-facing head, like a neck, I guess, they'd lost some of that muscle and some of that mobility.

And so that's why he's easy to kill because he's like a shitty version of what he used to be. You know? I know I feel sorry for him. I know you mentioned Marlon Brando before. Their evolution is the career of Marlon Brando. Yeah, it is. Start off as this taut, ripped, aggressive lunatic

and then devolve into this fat, slobbering lunatic. Oh, my God. It's so weird. The Hutts are fucking Marlon Brando. Oh, no. Oh, my God. That's hectic, ass. They can't learn their lines.

They've got to read them off a script and placed in very inconspicuous places marlon brando's also resisted to the force marlon brando's a little parasitic dude kind of does ambassador from fucking the island dr um oh yeah that that oh my god so yes so yes a hundred percentts are Marlon Brando And that's how they rise to power So I guess Sorry but the salacious crumb guy

They also devolved At the same time Because they're just jabbering idiots now So they both just Fucking they're racked In like 100 years the Hutts are going to be just Unrecognisable gross worms With this little monkey

being like around them because you're right because the moment the huts get that power initially they work with the salacious crumbs yep and they there they go they're empowered they're doing all the crimes they're like like we're saying whatever i'll just eat shit now i'm just gonna get fat the salacious crumbs like well i'm not necessary i'm gonna devolve into insanity. He probably won't eat me, I don't know. Am I sentient? What's going on? Who knows? He probably was at one point. Not so much. Oh, man. So I imagine if he was in the Swamplands, he'd be like a lanky orangutan.

Yeah, quite large. But then he's just swinging from trees and shit. He's got like a little pot belly. Yeah! Though he can jump and hit the roof. He did that. Oh yeah, that's true. So he's still got something. They can both spring. Yeah.

How great would it be if in Return of the Jedi, they're like, Leia's trying to kill Jabba the Hutt, and he just tents us up, and you're like, what the fuck is happening? Just leaps out. Boom! But because he's so fat, just like, gah! Into the cell, like this. I'd imagine he'd get meshed through the window

it's like cheese just like heart fucking Luke hitting the sand into the sarlacc all the bodyguards and everyone

just like just stops because it's just too sad yeah I guess we don't work here anymore I guess we take

this thing back Luke's like I'm so sorry guys just like I love the idea of Luke and he just kind of sees that, and it just kind of stops. What am I seeing here? What could this be?

The Sarlacc just got to get its tendrils and just leaps itself up, has a look, and is like, oh. Oh, gross. Are you a hut? I knew what you were once were. This is depressing. And then he just back down. So I think hut timeline. I knew what you were once were This is depressing I need to Back down

So I think hot timeline If there is such a thing Hot worms with salacious Orangutans Just apex predator of a planet A couple of humans Or like whatever Dudes with long

Twillax They land and they're like This is a neat planet I always think twix And wrong A couple of humans or like whatever, sentient aliens. Dudes with long, yeah. Twi'leks, yeah. They land, they're like, this is a neat planet. Every time I say that word, I always think Twix and like, wrong. Wrong. Twix the candy? Yeah. All right. Twi'leks.

And they're like, oh, we want this planet. This planet's good. And the salacious crumb's like, look, mate, either you give us some of your food and we don't eat you. Oh, you fuck right off. And they're like, cool. Yeah. Let's use that springboard into power. Either you give us some of your food and we don't eat you. Oh, you fuck right off. And they're like, cool. The Hutts use that springboard into power.

And then when they got power, devolve. Yes. Until they're fat, useless, and their salacious crumb is insane. Yeah. So they have to get another guy to do all the talking and stuff. Their salacious crumb is so bad. They're like, you're fucking useless. We hate to see what happens to the Twi'leks after 15 years. Under the fucking rule of the hut.

They're just going to be just like millions of you, just rows of gibbering idiots. And all the droids that live forever just going to be like, what happened to this place? So promising. And on that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been James. Mr. Sunday Movies. Full that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been James.

Mr. Sunday Movies. Full name. And I've been Giles Abbott. Maybe just, yeah, maybe feed your crumb? I just think, you know,

Hutz, you took a lot of effort to get to where you were and then you kind of fucked it. Yeah, just think how disappointed that your great,

great, great, great, great, great, great, great grand mum-dad would be. A lot. A lot.

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