Plumbing the Death Star - How Do You Solve a Problem Like Dracula?

Episode Date: October 6, 2019

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SANS Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's spooky episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you solve a problem like Dracula? That's it, that's the guy That's the fella That's your fucking one Anyway Oh, what's that?

Knock at the door Oh, hey, what's this? Oh, it's a coffin Oh, please Hey, can we explore the door. Oh, hey, what's this? Oh, it's a coffin. Oh, please. Hey, can we explore the door we just opened? Sam had opened a regular door, and I, up above him, went in the opposite direction.

I guess I opened a little window. But because Sam had already opened the door, I'm not looking outside anymore. Oh, no! Who's at the house? Okay, a coffin has arrived. Who knocked? Dracula.

Jumps out of the door. Knock, knock. Quickly go back inside. It's daylight as well. He's got to be quick, man. Walk out this shit. Why does this coffin smell like burnt dude? It's like, let me in. Let me in.

Look after this mysterious person! Well, can't see anyone else around. Please, coffin, come on in, I say as I just drag it in. When Dracula's safely inside, bursts out of the coffin, hello, it is I,

Dracula! Look after me! Ah, ah, ah! Okay, so we've got a Dracula. You'll notice by Jackson, not Jackson, other Jackson, Zaman, by his wording, he said, come inside. Yeah, which is what I was going to say.

Can Dracula does it work in reverse? If you're in the house and you're like, no, I uninvite you. Does Dracula fly out like a bullet from a gun? But if he's in a coffin and you weren't like, I don't invite you in, you start dragging him, do you stop? No, I feel like you drag it and you drag the coffin

and Dracula would force his way out the wood at the front. So you're pulling the coffin and Dracula's feet kind of coming outside. I peeled him like a banana. Wow, killing a Dracula is way easier than we thought. Man, if you wanted to be nude and you were Dracula, all you'd have to do is jump at a doorway and your clothes might go through, but you wouldn't. That seems harder work than just taking a coat off.

Dracula's got a lot of lines. He's got the weird little frilly thing. He's got the brooch little He's got the brooch It's his eye Dracula I need to be nude Ah ah ah But also

That just doesn't make Any sense At all What? Like you just That's not how You can push him out I guess

Look I don't know There are We'll just get him nude The regular way Hang on No if you put him outside He's just standing You've got a Barry here.

Dracula forces himself through, but he can't, so he gets pushed out. Yeah. His clothes can't come off or else they'd go through him. Yeah. You'd kill Dracula. What if you put your hands out and you grabbed his clothes? You grabbed his lapel and you pulled him through like that. Yeah.

His lapel. His lapel. That would tear his clothes off. Or just his lapel. You'd tear up the clothes. I guess, are you stronger than a Dracula? No. Is Jackson stronger than a regular man?

No. Is Jackson stronger than a weak man? No. Either way, we've invited Dracula in. We're like, come on in, strange coffin. Sweet, a coffin. Keep me alive! Ah, ah, ah.

And then presumably gets back in the coffin. What pops out and is like, ah-ha. Keep me alive, And then presumably gets back in the coffin. What pops out and is like... Keep me alive, close the blinds. Entertain me. Well, what does a Dracula need? Blood. Got some of that, but not me. Just go to the drawer, pull out a knife, slice my throat a bit.

I got your back, dude. Oh, wow. Fuck. Can Dracula survive off non-humans? Well. Look, I'm going to patch him up while we ask Dracula this question.

The vein's already open, dude. Have at it. Alright, we'll sustain Dracula for a day and a half. Are you saying that's how much blood I have? Dracula doesn't seem he's going to eat a lot of Dracula. That's true. That's a good point. Imagine if he now just got a big stain on the wall.

Oh, yeah. Whoa, look how far it went. I'm woozy. I'm wounded. A gross little sucker worm. That's nice. That went far. Someone hurt me.

Dracula sucking on my neck. It's like I'm breastfeeding, but from my jugular. This is real sweet. I feel like a mother. Oh, rough. Jackson, you're very pale. I'm so tired. He's my baby. This Dracula, he quickly understood what was going on.

It's funny to imagine Dracula biting me on the non-wounded snake. I can't get in. There's a cut. That won't work. Blood pooling. Oh, that's a shame. Onto the ground. Alright, well, Sammy solved the food problem.

After he's feasted on Jack, I might be like, alright, can you survive off a non-human? How often does a Dracula need to feed? Is it every day? Three square meals of blood a day. Hey, can you riddle me this? Why in my brain do for some reason I think that a Dracula would eat an onion?

I was imagining the same thing. I think it's a disconnect between them being, what do you call when someone's magically allergic? You know, like Dracula can't have garlic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever he is.

Susceptible. Susceptible, yeah. Dracula's susceptible to garlic, but garlic's a food, so there's wires that are crossed in your brain. And an onion and a garlic seem like they're opposites for some reason. Well, no, because when you're frying up an onion, you chuck in a bit of garlic and it's all real good. Nice and sautéed.

The garlic is the sun, but an onion is the moon. It's daytime, nighttime, baby. So cool that you lost your mind. It's like fucking five minutes in. It's been a big day. So it's great to imagine Dracula pops out of the coffin and you slam an onion in his mouth. I got you, dude.

Girl! This is from the same family as garlic. It's kind of like garlic, same family as garlic. I don't like garlic, but not as bad. But still bad. What other vegetables can't you eat? I might test him. Potatoes?

Cutting up a carrot? You like this? Carrots. What about a capsicum? Is it all garlic? So hang on, in this situation, is Dracula willing to acquiesce to our strange request in exchange for protecting him?

I imagine it's kind of as he's come in, there's like a nice big sunbeam between us and him. So he's like, you got to wait until the sun goes down, idiot. Until then, eat this onion. I might use Dracula to open cans, you know, slam it into his teeth and turn. Oh, yeah. If I ate a kebab

with garlic sauce, or Souvlaki with garlic sauce, or whatever the generic name for kebab. Meat wrap. Yeah, garlic meat. In bread. Why don't you eat some cloves of garlic? You peel them little bad boys.

All right, then what you want to do is you get a big bit of meat. All right, get those cloves, slam them into that meat, wrap that up, put some sauce on it, doesn't matter what, maybe tomato, maybe a bit of HP, doesn't matter. Then what you want to do is you want to get a bread of some kind. Could be Turkish, could be flatbread, could be bloody Wonder White. We don't know. And then what you want to do is you microwave that for

five minutes. Then, eat it. Yes, anyway. So then I breathe on Dracula with my famous garlic breath. I'm consuming my favourite meal. Is that bad for him? Or is he just like, ugh, that's stinky. Let's discuss the Dracula

garlic immunity, i.e. not the immunity, his weakness too. So what I know, it doesn't kill Dracula. It's not like a cross or a stake through the heart. It's just a thing he doesn't like. Well, same with a cross. It doesn't kill him. He's like, meh.

No, but at least a cross, if you put it on his head, will burn him. Yeah, same with holy water. What about a kebab? Jab him with a kebab. Yeah. I don't know. It never seems like that. It seems like you're like...

And also, I've never seen in a Van Helsing or a Dracula movie, someone use garlic to fight Dracula. Does it just ward him off? If I sleep with a garlic and Dracula's like, oh, sweet, some blood to suck, and he opens my window and looks in, is he just going to be like, oh, never mind. He's got a garlic.

He's like rubbed garlic on your neck. What? Yuck. Heyuck you'll hey you'll smell better than usual though i'm rude now i've lost my mind and i'm rude yeah i feel like i've seen a movie where they trick a vampire into eating garlic and it just makes him shit is this part of my bad mind? Or if Dracula just gets bad diarrhea from garlic. Basically like IBS, you know? He's like, oh no.

Like someone with a gluten intolerance. He's like, I just better not. What if he eats someone weird who's just consumed a lot of garlic recently? Yeah, I don't know. I'm literally going to be focusing on this for years now. Okay, yeah. Let me just describe the scene. Please, I would love to hear it.

And then we'll get back to it. No, I want to know. Let's piece this together. Let's do this math. In my head, a mother is dating someone. Sure. And the someone, the kid, she has a mother has son. Her son thinks dating person is a Dracula.

Yeah, like new stepdad. She doesn't like Dracula. Yeah, he's a a Dracula. Yeah, like new stepdad. She doesn't like Dracula. Yeah, he's a Dracula. Dracula's a bad new stepdad, sure. So they sneak garlic sauce or garlic or something into his food. Are you thinking of the film, you know that film with the next door neighbor is a vampire? Fright Night.

Is that Fright Night? See, that's the one I'm stuck on. I don't think it is Fright Night. I like to think this is just a fevered thing you've imagined. What I'm starting to think is that I've combined Fright Night and a movie in which someone just has an intolerance to something. A Buffy episode? Yeah.

Sounds like a Buffy episode. But yeah, they get real unwell, but then they just shit. And then the kid's like, I thought I was meant to kill you. He's like, no, we've evolved beyond that. But it still makes me shit. Which is very funny because that still incapacitates Dracula. I thought it was meant to kill you. He's like, no, we've evolved beyond that. But it still makes me shit heaps. Which is very funny because that still incapacitates Dracula. What are we going to do? Stop him from fucking his mom.

Floating in, trying to eat you whilst also just shitting yourself. It's like being chased by a bear with the runs. Like, yeah, it's scary. Yeah, I'm going to die. But that bear's shitting itself. Yeah, exactly. Kind of funny. What are we going to do the But that bear's shooting itself in the face. Dracula's, yeah, exactly. Kind of funny. What are we going to do the moment Dracula breaks out

and starts eating the townspeople? Oh, Drax, come on. Okay, just have a casual conversation. Drax, this is what I was trying to ask you before. Can you survive off non-human blood? Yeah, even that question, though, what non-human blood are you getting for it? Say Dracula's like, if I have, you know,

a gallon a day of non-human blood, then getting for it? Say Dracula's like, if I have a gallon a day of non-human blood, then that's tits for Christmas. Tits for Christmas? Hallelujah! Dracula, all right, look. I don't know if you've been paying attention to humanity. A bit. But we like to eat meat.

Yes. Now, we've bred a thing for... Like those kebabs I fed you with. Yeah, like those kebabs we're hocking at you with. That was rude, yes. Okay, but we've over time made this thing that is delicious. Okay. And you know how much, it's basically like a human, but bigger on full, a lot of life.

Are you referring to a cow? Yes. So why don't you come with me, go in the boot, we'll close it down, we'll go to the farm, up like maybe a couple hours away up north. It's real good to imagine you getting to your car and getting in and waiting and Dracula just waiting out the front because he needs to be invited in. You wind down the window, what? What? Can you say, Dracula, can you get in my car?

Dracula, get in my car. Okay. I like the, you actually have to sing get in my car, the David Hasselhoff song. Hey, Dracula, why don't you come in my car. Okay. I like the, you actually have to sing, get in my car, the David Hasselhoff song. Hey, Dracula, why don't you come in my car? I want to take you home. And then later on in the song, when you crack the shits with him, he's like, get the hell out of my car.

Cop that, Dracula, we're rude now. But we're going in a hundred. Get the hell out of my car. No. Dracula slamming're rude now. But we're going at 100. Get the hell out of my car. No. Dracula slamming at the door. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Down the highway. Yeah, I'm sorry, but all right, Dracula, why don't we do a fun game?

It's like, you know, we'll go to the country and eat as many cows as you want. Eat lots of peaches. Yeah. Eat lots of peaches. I don't think that Dracula, like, I feel like that's, you are committing to a life of killing a farmer's cow. And if you're willing to do that for Dracula, I guess good. I've probably committed my life to worse.

All right, Dracula, what we're going to do here is we're going to go, we're going to go to a farmstead. All right. Now you can mesmerize people. Is that a thing you can do? Yeah, sometimes Dracula's got that. Sometimes it turns into a bat. Same kind of thing.

Look, it's mesmerizing. You want to mesmerize a god, you want to kill a god. Either way, we're going to acquire a farm. Okay, so now your plan is, see, I'd rather- Buy a farm, steal a farm. Own a farm now. Steal a farm, own a farm, run a farm. I've played Stardew Valley plenty of times.

I got this. It's so funny to imagine you being like, we get the farm, all the cows are drained by Dracula. You just would slowly have to become a farmer. You would not ever make any profit from it. Well, that's fine because my goal is for him to- Well, you're about to be like, how hard could farming be? How hard could just keeping cows allow you? What do cows eat?

We know what Dracula's eat. What about cows? Hay? Grass? Is that when you owned a dog? Imagine if you owned four dogs. Okay. That's bad now, right?

Yeah, but I'm losing a dog a day. So it kind of balances itself out a little bit. You know what I mean? How many cows do you think a farm has? Four? More than four. I just went with four. It's funny to imagine.

I was trying to get him to put his toe in the water. You were gradually forgetting. Imagine four dogs. No, imagine 14 dogs. Imagine 14 dogs from losing a dog a day. Anyway, we'll go to a farm. Where'd they go? Because how many cows will Dracula eat?

Dracula? No, because what's Dracula? No, that's so much cow. That's what we're talking about. How many cows is he eating? Dracula would probably eat a quarter cow a day. All right, simple. Milk the cow blood.

Install udder on the other side. Udder on his neck. Milk udder, blood udder. Blood udder. Welcome to spooktober. Blood udder is so fucking... Blood into a pile. Bringing it into Dracula sitting

in your country kitchen. The cows don't look too hot. We put it, we erect a barn just for Dracula that can fit one cow in. Then we simply just drag the cow in and that one cow will last Dracula four days. No, because it's got to be fresh.

That's like leaving open milk on the counter, basically. Well, is Dracula, does he drain the blood and then that person dies, or the cow dies, or is it kind of like with, what's her name, where he's kept coming back and forth and biting her neck for a bit and then leaving? Oh, like in the book. Yeah, Bram Stoker's Dracula. Bram Stroker. Yeah. That's the book. Bram Stoker's Dracula. Bram Stroker.

Yeah. That's the boy. Yeah. So could I maybe be like this? Why don't you treat this particular bovine? Suck on this cow heat. Suck on this bovine as you would a pretty young lady. We might as well have gone to the pound and gotten a dog.

Hey, Dracula, suck my cow. I'm still giving the blood on it. He can just suck it like a straw. Exactly. I don't want to take him to the...

I said it, then thought about it and it got bad. Suck it on an udder like a straw. I don't want to take him to the pound because I don't know

what dog blood... You don't take Dracula to the pound. Yeah, because I don't want to get a dog from the pound because I don't know what dog blood You don't take Dracula to the pound Yeah because I don't want to get a dog from the pound Because I don't know what dog blood will taste like I can only assume But cow blood

That cow blood is going to be good We make blood sausages out of it Yeah we eat cow meat Yeah that's got blood in it I personally don't eat dog meat Yeah So let's talk about And also we're talking about sustainability

You don't want to Like you don't want to eat a carnivore Because that thing has to eat You know more things for it to be. So the cow is eating the cow now. Let's talk about your cost effect. How now, brown cow. So you buy, you steal a farm.

We've acquired a farm. For one cow. No, for a lot of cows because it's an ongoing thing. Sustainability, Jack. Dracula eats one woman over the course of like two years. Yeah, so how? Okay, so then I guess I'm running a very successful farm. Or you go, hey, Dracula, you chose to live with us.

You're getting a fucking Alsatian, okay? Fine, we'll go get a lab. I will go and get a chocolate lab named, I don't know, Gary. And we'll be like, Oi, Drax, eat this pooch. Why did we pick a purebred dog? That's more expensive on our end.

Maybe I should be like Dracula, the fucking neighbourhood's full of dogs. Yeah, nuts. Wait, hang on. Pigeons. They're all around. I feel like at a certain point Dracula will feast on us. Yeah, look.

I got a good idea to keep him here. We build a fort. No, like a pillow fort or something outside both doors. So he has to, in order to get outside, he's got to be invited inside again. And we just never do. That's clever. Keep him in the house.

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Well, if this sounds like you, then why not head to SantsPantsRadio.com and search for Why Am I Sad? A mental health podcast that's far better than it has any right to be. What if we just let Dracula go into one of his weird Dracula comas and put him in the shed? Put him in the garage, stack him against a wall,

be like, well, you're not coming out. We need an old bed frame or something against him. I'll throw that out on hard rubbish day or whatever Dracula being like I'm hungry I'm weak Eat the rats The rats in the garage Clean your fucking house

Every house has rats There's a rat every fucking 7 centimeters Every rat you can see is 10 more you can't For every 7 seconds you're alive has rats. There's a rat every fucking seven centimetres of your mouth or whatever. You can see there's ten more you can't or whatever. For every seven seconds you're alive there's four rats. Exactly. It's really

classic phrase. How long Dracula in your garage with a bed frame leaning against him and boxes of old Christmas decorations around him. How long does he have to be there before you forget? Before someone's like, what's that coffin? The moment I put the bed frame against his coffin, I forgot.

That's great. You leave the bed frame whilst looking at your phone and just leave. Maybe like two. Look, I want to say maybe between two weeks or two days to maybe three weeks. Yeah, I think, but eventually you'd forget Dracula was in there. After a month. Who? Do you remember that time that coffin got delivered?

No. It's great in like 10 years. You open up the coffin and it's just ash because he's died at some point. You're like, what was in this? It's weird that this thing I own and don't remember buying caught fire on the inside. Did I buy this coffin for me when I died?

Preemptively? I wish that was a thing people did. So I could buy a coffin right now and it wouldn't be weird. But it's like getting a tattoo as a young person. I don't know what I want to do. I'll make a stupid decision.

It's alright, just chuck it on gum tree. Damn, this is gaudy and covered in Spongebob or whatever. Shouldn't have got this coffin Oh well it's an investment I saw I went to a graveyard This is unrelated and a true story I was in a graveyard kind of recently and there was a

Grave plot Parents had passed away rest in peace to Those guys But they had two daughters and the plot had The two daughters names but they were very young and alive they had their birth date and then dash the daughters were relatively

young in their 20s what if they don't want to be buried with their parents well their parents are dead that's true just put a dog in there and then cross out your name and write dog. And then when God's like, it's finally happening,

your daughter's coming to heaven. Wait a second. It's also funny to have a picture of a dog on a tombstone. It's like loving daughter of. Dog. That dog lived for a long time. Imagine being able to visit your own grave. That's great.

I'm going in there one day. That's for me. There's my name on it. Someone should buy me a long time. Imagine being able to visit your own grave. That's great. Huh, I'm going in there one day. That's for me. There's my name on it. Someone should buy me a grave plot. I want to go visit my own grave, but I don't want to buy it because they're expensive. Get it as a gift. You can understand how conflicted I am about this.

Go fund me. Buy me a grave. Buy Joel Tushar a grave. So I think with how do we solve a problem like Dracula, I think immediately I might become just a thrall to Dracula.

Okay. Because I'd be like, all right, look, I don't want to, don't bite me. You need shit done during the day. Yeah.

I'm your boy. I wake up early enough. Yeah. So Dracula's going to do his best. I'm earlier than him. I love to go to bed when the sun's still up.

So Dracula comes to you, he goes, you're like, wow. Oh, my God. That's cool. Mesmerized. Wow, cool. Dracula's like, go out, collect rats, I'll eat them. All right.

I'll become, if we're each getting a role to serve Dracula, I'll become, like I said earlier, a blood bag for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'll be too eager and I'll keep cutting myself. There you go, man. Hey, what if it feels good? What if I just slice my head off? No, that won't feel good.

What if having a blood sucked feels good? It wouldn't feel terrible. It might feel like a blood test. If I get a boner when it happens, will Dracula stop? No, if you get a boner but then it shrivels because he's sucking the blood out. Dracula, put the blood back in. Dracula, spit. Spit back into my vein. Come on, no. You get a boner, but then it shrivels because he's sucking the blood out. Dracula, put the blood back in. Dracula, spit.

Spit back into my vein. Come on, Dracula. Spit, spit. I'm losing my stiffy. Dracula stole my stiffy. Oh, my God. Hey, that's bad. If you're Dracula and you realize you're dragging someone's dick, blood.

You took my boner from me. Dracula, you stole my tongue. And then I have to have a lie down to get some more blood back. Really, it's all dick blood. Well, yeah, all blood is dick blood. Well, yeah. It's all going somewhere.

Do you know what's crossing through your veins? Blood that was in your stiffy. Yeah, stiffy blood, in a way. Well, hey, if Dracula's not unhappy with me screaming about my stiffy, then he can have my blood. I just like the idea of Dracula being like Jackson, I'm hungry and I'm like sick! Slice across my

titty. How about it? Please stop doing that. Is Dracula sucking on your titty? Thank you. Sucking on my titty like you're calling me one of me. Hey, bit my whole nipple off. Jackson, are you in pain? Yeah. Heaps, but there's so little blood in my

system that I'm kind of always semi-conscious. I'm too empty to die. He's keeping me just alive. That's how I like it. That's great because I feel like I'm... I'm flat now. He drank all my liquids. I have to go lie in the bath,

get some liquid back. Is that true, Dracula? Does he have to lie in the bath? No. Well, if a water's out, you ask me why, and I'm like, well, if water's around me, if water's around you what, Jackson? You know.

You haven't thought this through. You haven't thought this through. I haven't thought anything through. That's my secret. That's my whole deal. I say things and I don't think about them or their consequences or how I'm going to achieve them. Do you see how high the water in this bath is? I'm barely breathing.

Jackson, please. We're very worried for you yeah would I eventually become a Dracula just with enough feedings I don't know it depends that's the one thing I'm not actually entirely sure with Dracula

it's like get everything else do you have to like be sucking do you have to be having a big suck blood suck. Two Cs. Yeah, yeah. I think in some fiction, the idea is that Dracula sucks your blood

at the same time as you suck his blood. Yeah. The old blood 69. The old blood 69. The best thing is you cut your neck like Dracula. Come on. Well, here goes like, you get him.

You've taken so much of my stiffy blood. I need some of yours. You're going to become a Dracula What? Can I still get stiffies? No This is my worst nightmare come true Why did we agree to this blood 69? We didn't

Oh that's right I sprung this on you I'm sorry Do I get to say ah ah ah now? You always could. It was inside me all along. Maybe this is good. I don't know. I mean,

yes. I could probably get a stiffy if I drank blood, because the blood's back in me. Yes. Right? Yes. You could get an erection if you have. We've got a cup. We fill it with blood. You put your balls in it.

Suck it back in. Suck it back in. It's great to imagine me with a rat in one hand and my flaccid penis in the other. Three, two, one, go. I can't achieve climax, but I still go for it. It's ejaculating blood. Sir, just to paint a picture for that properly so you're saying

you're going to pick up a rat and your flaccid penis that you're just hammering slamming and waiting for the blood to course through me bite a rat in the belly I was imagining not even the neck blood goes everywhere you then hammer your dick harder as the blood goes down your body.

Into my wangas. Yeah, and then you get a sticky... And then I, in a way, cum the rat's blood. Yeah. That rat helped you achieve orgasm. Are you happy with that? Yeah. That rat sacrificed itself so you could cum.

That rat died so you could cum. You happy with how that happened? Yes. Okay, cool. The rat walked so you could run. I think if I became a Dracula, I would eat the neighborhood dogs. I probably wouldn't go for people, but I might eat dogs. Why dogs?

Yeah, why dogs? Because there's a lot of them around. Dogs bite back. Sure. Not if they're asleep and I'm quick. When was the last time you were able to sneak up on a sleeping dog? At Biden. Wish I had an answer.

Okay, well, if Dracula made you Draculas, how were you getting your blood off? Elderly. People. Okay, so let's explore them both. Samet is clever in a retirement home. They're too weak to get up. Bad blood, old, dusty.

You don't know. I know everything. Their blood is full of their own memories It's aged like a fine wine It's fucking vinegar blood Also their memories are sad They're old They remember the wars

Fine, then I'll go the other way Babies, no memories Pure, newborns Hard to get at Hospitals, maternity wards Schools No memories Harder to get at But not impossible Maternity wards Schools I reckon you've got one shot

Like one shot Like Eminem You've got one shot And that's like one night of feasting At the maternity ward before The security guards find you Stomach Like that possum that ate all of the food In the bakery maternity ward before the security guards find you stomach distended. Like that possum that ate all of the food

in the bakery. Belly distended with baby blood. Look, if I gotta go, I might as well go now. Does anyone have any garlic? I need to shit so bad. I know I did a bad, bad

thing, but you know what? Things are about to get a lot worse for everyone involved. And that may be hard to understand as I am in a baby genocide. I get that this might seem like the worst things could be. This seems like peak bad.

But I'm here to tell you. There's a secret hidden level that we're going to be going to We've yet to hit the ceiling We've hit the ceiling but there's an attic We're about to go there I know about the attic I know what's happening next

You've got no fucking idea So arrest me all you want But if you don't get me some garlic Quick, smart Oh boy We are in trouble My good friends That's good if that is.

Do the cops at that point shoot me or themselves? I imagine they shoot Zabit in his belly and it's too pressured and blood spurted out. And then I'm like a balloon. Yeah, and then I try and put my mouth over my belly blood. So you said people, JD. What people? Yeah.

I'm just guys on the street. Hey, how you doing? Just night time. Just get all those night people. People are always around. There's heaps of them. It's good to imagine you standing in the middle of some... How many people are there?

Go on, look up. How many people are there? Those exact wording. How many people are there? Type faster. I'm getting there. I did? Type faster 7.7 billion Johnny you're going to be eating for years At least

Couple of weeks How many people are there Walking around At night There we go Okay I like to imagine you two just standing in the middle of suburbia At about 3am as no one's around

Just looking to your left and then right However, one of the suggestions on Google is a question Which is, are late night walks good for you? It helps to burn calories at a faster pace So all you've got to do is you've got to start a blog Called Night Walking Really push it hard. One-on-one night walking with Count

Joel Dushan. Dracula Joel Dushan. It's fucking funny to be up front. Hi, I'm a Dracula and walking at night is good for you. Don't let that dissuade you from going on a solo walk with me.

Uh-uh-uh. Smaller cities, quietest and most secluded back alleys together. Leave your phone at home. Going on, like, not sunrise, but, like, the project and that, being like, hey, it's real good. Why don't you finish your meal and go on a walk? Not together. I can go on late-night television, but not early-morning television.

Dracula, Joel Dusha, could you please, some people have brought up the fact that maybe because you're a walk, not together. I can go on late night television, but not early morning television. Dracula, Joel Dusha, could you please, some people have brought up the fact that maybe because you're a Dracula, you're doing these things to eat people. Ha, ha, ha, next question. What a foolish idea. Mr. Joel Dracula, we've done some investigation. Yes. We've noticed that everyone that signed up to your walk,

they seem to be a lot of missing. Yeah. No. Next question. They're all thin now, so we don't recognise them. They look different. Better. It's cool that you adopted Dracula's accent.

I like to imagine I do it wrong. I do a weird Swedish accent. I'm here to suck your blood. Jackson, that's not right. What? Ja, ja, ja. Ja, ja, ja. Out of the offspring. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, okay. People, the elderly, babies, sorry. All clever. He yelled at me for the elderly. I still think the elderly is the best shot. No, their blood's bad. Why is their blood bad? Could you explain to me why yours are better than dogs?

Well, one, we... It's the food that we need. Dogs is like the food we need. Jackson, instead of... Yes, it's like the food you need. Jackson, human bodies, they need water. Yeah. Instead of drinking water for the rest of your life.

I drink Coke. No, piss. No, it's kind of like. It's still blood. It's just a worse cut of meat. No, it's basically like a vegetarian Dracula. Yeah. He's basically being like, I don't want to feast on people, so dogs.

No, dogs, I'm in. That's what Edward Cullen does, except I don't think he eats dogs. But who knows? That boy is a mystery. Well, think about the news. I wish he ate dogs and he'd eat Jacob. Yeah. Doesn't he eat like a cougar or some shit?

Fuck yeah. He eats a cougar. I don't think there's a scene in Twilight. I swear there is a scene in Twilight. Where Edward Cullen eats a cougar. No, Bella eats a cougar. Bella eats the cougar. Someone eats a fucking cougar. Edward Cullen eats a cougar No Bella eats a cougar Bella eats the cougar Someone eats a fucking cougar

Edward Cullen eats cougar Twilight they eat a cougar Twilight eat a cougar This is about cougar wrong Did you mean cougar? Yes Part 2 cougar on set I don't know what that means

That might have just been a loose cougar on Twilight There's a cougar There's a scene in Twilight where a random cougar walked on set. I don't know what that means. That might have just been a loose cougar on the Twilight set. There's a scene in Twilight where a random cougar walked on set. Everyone was like, oh yeah. But Edward, I see a cougar. We're watching now a behind the scenes of Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn part two of a cougar that was on set

because remember the cougar's going to hunt a deer and Bella's turned into a vampire. Oh, I do remember it now. And she's going to go eat a deer, and then she's like, it's a deer being like, ooh-hoo-hoo, I'm a big deer, frolicking in the forest. And then this cougar's like, I'm going to eat that fucking deer. And Bella eats the cougar.

And then Bella's like, eat the cougar. Well, can I change my answer, then? To what? To cougars? No. So you've just reminded me that, well, thinking back to our cow discussion, I don't have to eat one dog a day. I'll eat the rats for coming, but I don't have to eat

like a dog a day. You wouldn't even eat rats because you need to, just because you can. Yeah, absolutely. But, you know what probably has the most blood? The elephants at the zoo. So I'll just become a sort of zoo predator. Do you know what elephants famously have? What? Memories. Very thick skin. Oh yeah, that's true.

The elephants will remember when I'm just going to the zoo. What? Whoa, that elephant's cool and it'll stampede me. Hey, are you the fella that's been sucking all of our elephants of their blood? Elephants' memories are so good that they

work both ways. They can see the past, they can remember the past and remember the future. They're clever. Plus an elephant, no, you're right, does have a thick hide. So I'll be clamped onto the side like a parasite. Kind of suck its ass. That's where the weakest skin will be.

Sir, are you eating that elephant's ass? No, I'm a Dracula. Trying to get the blood from it. Or I wait till the elephant's asleep. I sneak up, I grab its big nose. No I'm a Dracula So Trying to get the blood From it Where is the weakest Cause it'd be like Or I wait till the elephant's asleep I sneak up I grab it's big nose It's trunk

I'm like The elephant's like What's happening I'm like Go back to bed dude Go back to it Imagine what happens You bite the little tip

You bite over the top of it It wakes up And then blows Yeah You thought What happened To this man at the zoo? He exploded from sucking on this elephant trunk.

That's great. I imagine, yeah, their little nose is quite soft. That would be the weakest place. And I imagine maybe like their lips. Yeah, or even just their tongue. Yeah, just when they're sleeping, go in and just like peel open their lip a little bit. That's much clever.

I was climbing, Ian. Hey, why is our elephant looking so upset this morning? What about a giraffe? Go for a giraffe instead. They're all neck. Lots of neck. They're all neck. Here's how I'd do a giraffe, okay?

Clamber in like a little beetle. Climb up the neck so I'm at the giraffe's head. Embed fangs. Drag down like a pirate on a sail on a ship. Then the giraffe's neck would peel open like that and I'd be bathed in the blood. Okay. I love it.

However, you're not drinking the blood, you idiot. You're just doing an animal murder. You're just playing with blood at this point. Can we start a podcast where I go through the zoo and talk about how I'd kill each animal in the zoo? Because that's giraffe. That episode's done already. That was the pilot.

Did you like it? Did you hate it? Let us know in the comments. If I was a Dracula, this is how I would just murder a giraffe. Yeah. I still think maybe I would just... Just take a gun. Bang!

Prank, prank. Oh, wait, that's not what I'm here for. I still think maybe I would just... Just take a gun. Bang! Prank, prank. Oh, wait, that's not what I'm here for. I still think, so if I'm not, yeah, if I'm going with the elderly or going with new babies... I think maybe if I was like, I'll be more humane, I might go and befriend a farmer that has like a large cattle or horse farm and feast off them.

I think you just want to live on a farm. That's my suspicion. Why do you have to befriend the farmer? Okay, I'll mesmerise the farmer. Why can't you just sneak on and suck a cow? Because I want a cow. Okay. My thought process is I'm a lazy shit.

So I don't want to have to do a lot of things. The lazy option. Steal an entire farm. So if I I can't be bothered getting money out of the ATM. I'm going to go rob the bank. But mostly it's kind of like I want an endless supply of farm animal. I know how to do that, but a farmer does. So I'll be like, knock, knock, hey.

See, that's even more... Can I come in? Can I borrow a... How are we going to deal with that? Can I come in No What Oh no

What do you mean I'm not used to this Wait I'm just figuring out The best way to get nude Close tear me to shreds Wait that doesn't make sense I might just start crying What do you mean

Why can't I come in Come on I'm good, I'm trustworthy Is there a way to loophole this? Someone knocked on my door Yeah And then I opened the door and they were like, hi Can I come in? And I said no and they started to cry

I would be like You'd be like, I made the right decision I'd be like, clunk, close the door I'd be like, this is I'm glad I didn't say yes You have proven What? What do you mean I can't come out?

Fine, fine, you plan How did you think this was going to go? It's called if you're like, can I come in? And douche is like, no And you're like, well, you can't come out You can't leave your house no yes i can't i'll go the these are the lost boys and befriend some kids and they'll invite me oh that's true that's clever hey i don't well that's another benefit of dogs just to go back

to the dog argument no one has to invite me in oh to, to the kennel. Yeah. Dogs. Hey, Rover. Rover. I need you to quickly learn English. Real quick. Just bark once for yes, two for no. Can I come in your house? That was not one of the options. But then he's out. So if someone comes in.

Trick dogs into attacking you so they get close yeah it's genius it's clever but like can I come in to your house but like a lot of people might not be the owners

of the house so if I'm befriending like say a kid or a person so if I go in I'm like can I come in like yeah but you know it's a rental

I'm like yeah like could we actually invite a vampire into this place considering to the landlord well I like that we just invite them vampire into this place? Well, they have to go to the landlord. Well, I like that we just invite them in because don't vampires catch fire or something? I just think they just can't.

Yeah, they shoot out. They're like, nah. There's like an invisible wall that they can't get through. That would be my assumption anyway. What are things you need to get in and out of every day? What if a house has no one in it? What if you build a house around a Dracula? How?

I guess we've got the Dracula with the bed frame that we don't need anymore on the coffin. Well, my question is, so at what point does a house become a house? When is a house a home? So you've got Dracula standing still. He can live forever, so he doesn't have to go anywhere. Is this a house?

Me making a house over my microphone? Does this microphone live here now? I get a brick. I put it above Dracula's head. He dies. Is he in a house? You drop the brick, he dies. A brick of bone, Dracula.

Dracula, bite the curb. We decided earlier on that a blanket fort counted. So I think if we say something's a house, it's a house. I just sit under a table. Hey, this is my house. If we do this over Dracula, like put our hands up. We do the Eiffel Tower. If we're double teaming Dracula

and we high five over the top of him. It has to go back and forth. It's a nice bit of friction. Whoa! That's the greatest lovemaking move there is. That's the trick. He has to go back and forth.

He vibrates in you. The vibrating Eiffel Tower. It's great though if he just pops. What do you need? Two participants and a Dracula. In brackets brackets third participant but does that mean that if you got a Dracula standing still in the middle of the room

you do that but then if someone pulls out and takes a side step Dracula's gonna fly in Dracula's gonna hit a wall you know like the rocket things you have that's like a plunger attached to a hose and You know like the rocket things you have that's like a plunger attached to a hose and then there's a rocket that shoots up? It'll be like that except

from his arse and your dick. It'll be kind of like if you're on a treadmill that's going too quickly and you let go too suddenly and fly back. Yeah. But my question is Dracula's standing in the middle on just floorboards.

Yes. Then I build one wall. Is it a house yet? No. Two walls? No. Three walls? Oh.

It's a carport. Two walls is a carport. You need a roof though. Yeah. Okay. So what about one wall and a roof? Like a pergola type situation. What about like a bus stop?

Is that a house? That's like around the bus stop. Yeah. It's complicated. We call the homeless homeless even if they live in a bus stop. That's a good point. So I guess that's not a house. But if there was a bus stop that no one lived at and was abandoned

and a homeless person spent every day there, we might be like, that's their home. It's tough. And then I would say that's a home. Question. Yeah. Question. A tent.

Yes. So is that a house? No, it's a tent. If I got in there and like zipped up. Are you living there? Yeah, and I was like dragging the car in. Yeah, so someone would have to be like, move in. You have to be like, announce loudly, I'm moving into this.

Absolutely. Okay, all right. So A tent could be a house. Like you said earlier, a sleeping bag. Do you live in it? I mean, I can. Then yes, it's a home. I've decided on my definition, fellas. If I've got a sleeping bag and just like

put it over Dracula, does Dracula live in it? Fire into the ground fire into the core of the earth killing him instantly ending the planet like a bullet like somebody's

held a Glock up to mother earth and pulled the trigger that's Dracula he's a bullet from a gun oh no I knew this would happen

so how do we solve a problem like Dracula I guess we shoot him into the core of the earth, killing us all. Or alternatively, we don't invite him in. We say, hey, this coffin was probably not meant for us.

And we call the delivery guy. And I didn't sign for this. And then all we hear from a coffin is, what? He starts crying. Hey, you deliver this crying coffin. I really don't want it. Guys, come on. He opens a crack.

Come on. It's light outside. Shine a torch in. What's in this? Kill him instantly. Just a whole bunch of ash or a screaming guy for a bit. Why do you deliver ash of a screaming then ash? I don't understand, sirs.

I don't know what this was, but I'll sign for it. Coffin full of ash, yeah, all right. Oh, your ash is valuable. I've been meaning to have a coffin. Because I will die one day, Mr. UPS man. Thank you very much. You have a good day. Shake all the ash out.

Perfect. Hop in on the driveway. I'm getting in early. You're a bit of his rules. So quiet. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel.

Happy Spooktober! Happy Halloween! Hey, it's the scariest month. Happy Halloween on the 6th of October. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13

I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps and if you want to support us head to Sandspantsplus.com.

Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.