Plumbing the Death Star - How Does a Centaur Work? (Feat. Adam)

Episode Date: September 4, 2016

In which our heroes attempt true beauty, combine man with horse and gallop off into the sunset as we ask how can a centaur possibly work. We solve the question two minutes in, get disgusted about horse/centaur births and create an 'us versus them' dichotomy in a medieval society almost instantaneously. Jackson assumes the man part is all muscle, Adam gets onto his knees to get into the headspace of a centaur and Zammit just wants to know how they pick stuff up off the ground. So join the gang as they combine with beast to truely understand the majesty of nature.Want to learn about giraffes today? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can find out why they have those long necks.In Sydney and want to see the Plumbing Boys live? You can purchase your tickets right here https://www.trybooking.com/MQZP.And don’t forget to purchase your copy of Plumbing the Death Star Vol. 1 right now available at https://audiobooksontape.com/shop/plumbing-death-star-bonus/ and check out the subreddit over at reddit.com/r/sanspantsradio. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio is brought to you by Kale, the sad alternative to being healthy. and Twitter to ensure that you find out when we find out. Also, we've got a subreddit, rsanspantsradio, where fans of the show can get together and ask questions like, who's Gabe and why? With an attached picture of a ball-peen hammer. We occasionally pop up there, and of course, you can always reach us at sanspantsradio at gmail.com. Now, enjoy the show. Hey, everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star,

where we ask the important questions like, how does a centaur work? Enjoy the show. Totally serious. How pure is the poop of a centaur? What? Well, because it goes through several stomachs. It goes through so many stomachs. Right? How do we know that a centaur works like that?

The only way a centaur works... Solving it like two minutes in, is if it is not a horse meets a man or just a horse or just a man. It's got to be its own system. You have so much room within the man part. Yeah. He's got like a belly button. Explain that.

Well, umbilical cords. So in the womb, the nutrients goes into the man's stomach. Yeah. Or woman's stomach. Yeah, I was about to say. Hey, come on. The man's stomach yeah oh woman's stomach yeah i was about to say hey come on the fetus stomach the fetus stomach and is that where the the stomach of the fetuses or is there a connect like there could be a long tube i'm fucking sorry or is it like a cow and has several stomachs it in which case, pure poop. Right? They don't do it to make purer poop. They do it to get more nutrients. But that's why they eat so much

grass, because grass isn't nutrient rich, correct? Yeah. Do I look like a vet? It's the bamboo of the farm. What? I'd eat a lot of it. Oh, no. I always assumed with centaurs This was my hot theory

That the man part or the woman part was just muscle And that when centaurs fought They just slammed them into each other Like giraffe necks How does Zammett's belly button theory come into this? Long tube Long tube, only way to explain it Told ya, I told ya

What do centaurs eat? Because they clearly They eat have like, they have human... They eat the most dangerous sport of all. Man. Man. That's fucking scary. I'm pretty sure like most times you see centaurs being like super fucking, what do you call it, like with nature. Yeah.

So I imagine they're vegetarians. But I also see them, I can imagine a centaur just like hoeing down on like a turkey leg. Like a roast turkey leg. Yeah, but let's think about this evolutionarily. Yeah. So cave centaurs. Cave centaurs. Okay. So a giraffe has a long neck because it eats the leaves at the top of the tree. Yes, Adam? There's some argument

over that, but continue. What's the argument? Yeah. I'm ready to learn. I'm willing to learn today. Adam, tell me about giraffe necks. I don't know how true this is, but I have seen video of giraffes use them in wrestling against other giraffes. Oh yeah, that's cool. As like a, trying to fight for alpha males. Just like my centaur theory. They smack necks.

Like two centaurs fighting over a mate and just slamming their bodies into each other. I always imagined it kind of like a hard rubber. So if you bent it back, it'd just be like... Back up again. There's a lot of muscle in that neck. Because what else is going to be in there? They're not putting the organs there because that's a really vulnerable spot. Anyway, a centaur's head... So it just needs to stand up.

That's why you need all that muscle. Actually, yeah. Because think about the spine of a centaur. Oh, fuck. I never even... Because it's going to have that spine of the horse And it's going to curve upwards And then it's going to be

Our lower back area is where it joins the horse Here's a weird thing And how do they sleep? My fucking god If you think about how bendy is that It must be like That curvy bit Sorry go on

Not C4 but like the opposite of that down the bottom like a c4 is like your cervix i don't know cervix wrong word that is not your stomach no no no stick to your guns centaurs have like a thousand cervixes the back of your neck Yeah No Not thorax That's bugs That's bugs Joel Zammett Does not know

His bones His bones at all Well what Start with the skull Skull bone connects to the Yeah I know It's like L4 or L5

We don't know Lumber Lumber spot You're asking the wrong people You really are. Lumbar, isn't that what keeps a roof up on a house? That's lumber. Lumbar.

Okay. I don't. The bottom of the, like, basically where we have all, like, the tailbone, yeah? Yeah. So from the humans with the tailbone, the coccyx, that would just then stretch out to be more spine. And that would be a very weak point for a centaur. Unless there is, is like you know how

the spine's like multiple different small bones connected together what if that part doesn't bend because if like you ever see like a horse you know come down it comes down on its fucking legs or whatever so its belly is touching the ground adorable what if the horse is down like that human body stays upright because that part doesn't bend. Horses, like the, you know, the fucking human part can't bend down. Which makes sense because I was going to say. How do they pick shit up? Well, we end in hips. Our torso ends and there's hips and then legs.

But that can't be how a centaur works because there are no hips. No. If you look, it stops at about like the end of stomach, but there's no like protruding bit. No. I've got to get a picture of a centaur off my phone. A centaur can't pick shit off the ground. That's my...

Which brings me back to my giraffe evolution point. Yeah. What height is a centaur ideal for? Like, leaves? Trees and shit like that. Sticks? Because they're not going to be grazing on grass. Again, vegetarians picking shit off trees.

There you go. Yeah, but they have human teeth So they have canines and shit They're going to be omnivores So they're going to be hunting And they hunt They hunt Centaurs are hunters

Picking squirrels out of trees There you go Centaurs are hunters, yeah? Yeah Centaurs are real good hunters Yeah, they know bow and arrow, yeah How do the centaurs light a fire if they can't bend down? I'm looking at this picture of a centaur. Might not need to.

Like, if they got horse stomach. Can a horse eat raw meat? Well, like, they got the multiple. I don't know. Okay, how does a centaur... Cows can eat meat. Maybe. Cows got similar thing to horses.

Yeah, a cow can... You can feed a cow anything. A steak? That's rad. In the States, they feed cows like... Well, not in the States. All over. They feed cows like uh well not in the state all over they feed cows like fucking what is it like lollies why because there's cornstarch in lollies corn and all those stomachs filter it out till they get all that cornstarch all right america has too much corn and there i said it so cows can eat meat, but feeding cow cow, I think, is what causes mad cow disease.

That's how it happened. Oops. I think you can feed them other meats, though. Okay, so how do centaurs make fire? Like, that's a big part of how we as humans evolved is we discovered fire. So a centaur, if it got in, it's like a horse, how it gets on its haunches and, like, not haunches, it bends its legs and is on the ground. Is he still going to be able to touch the ground? No.

In my imagining, I can't see Centaur touching the ground. Because he's a torso's length away from the earth. Unless they've got real long arms. But they don't. They just have regular human being arms. So how are they going to, they can't even start a fire. They can't build a house. Unless they start one on a rock or something like that, maybe.

Maybe. Or, like, I don't know, fuck. Everything needs to be able to get table height, four of them. Yeah, exactly. Because they can't do anything. Centaurs are fucked. Just think of them like horses. Yeah, but a horse can bend down.

Yeah, no, a horse can bend down. And there's no way a horse is going to develop fucking fire. No. Yes. Don't give them ideas, damn it. But a centaur has dexterity, dexterous hands. They can use flint and stinger and bow and arrows and hunt. The hard meat that they can't cook.

And then how are they going to cook it? Maybe they just eat it raw. Yeah, they must. That's the only way. That's the only way. Because they can't make fire. Yeah. they gonna cook it maybe they just eat it raw yeah they must we just have to assume that's the only way because they can't make fire yeah unless they get like a branch and that one like has been like lightninged and on fire

like an episode of survivor I saw once a centaur has to wait for a storm yes get a cook like oh the branch is burnt and then have like an eternal fire yeah I'm about to say surely like they only need to wait for the storm once if say surely like they only need to wait for the storm once if they're smart they only need to wait once

it's kind of like there's that one centaur who's the mystical shaman of the tribe and the fire may never go out on the watch of the shaman so I guess that would have to happen because it would have to be a huge bonfire something that I've always wondered about centaurs even like beyond the like evolutionary and physical aspect.

I want to go back on fire. Hang on. Oil drums. You know when you see bums over like that? That's perfect for a centaur. What is that but in nature? I was about to say, are you suggesting that centaurs,

without the invention of fire, create oil drums to put their fire in? Because that is nuts I really like the idea of like a human city in a fantasy world and like in down the alleyways there's just hobos centaurs and it's like what's that about they can't make fire but they need it a lot they do

what if they could just eat a hobo what are you trying to say what's the drum giving them is it giving them height Is it giving them height? It's giving them height. Spit roast. Natural occur. What can a centaur make of fire? Spit roast.

Wow. Yeah, that's right. The fire's on the ground still. Fuck, I've solved nothing. They would have to either... Wait for a stomp to burn. They'd have to dig. How?

Exactly. They'd have to get a long bit of something and dig around. Or get a shelf, a natural rock shelf, and build it there. There! How did they evolve to the apex predator? Well, that's what I was going to say. Are centaurs apex predators? Probably not. A lion could take down a centaur pretty easy. Are we assuming other fantasy creatures?

Are we saying centaurs? Because other fantasy creatures, we saying centaurs because like other fantasy creatures man there's some shit out there center is not apex predator that's true like fucking dragons swooping save me i just had this terrible image of like I was imagining a centaur dying and the way I was imagining this is going to be a complicated thing to explain

so imagine you've got a cliff face and a centaur has landed on the cliff face landed? yeah on it's drop by the dragon on it's human back but as it did that a rock fell on it's human front and the horse bit just detached

It's dead That's how you die, right? I know, but like Anyway, that was just my image in my head I had to get out there Would you know what you'd found? Or would you just be like What happened to this horse's head?

So yeah, what happens if like ancient Or future archaeologists digging up centaur graves How do they even dig graves? This is a hot puzzle I can't imagine they dig graves I think centaurs from memory any time I've ever seen burials

it's like fire which raises the question again but how do they just build how do they build shit they don't have civilization and that's what I was going to say centaurs are on the same mental level or sentience level as an elf or a human or whatever um but for some reason

they've not developed that technology because they're more nomadic tribesmen yes yes i guess it depends like what sort of well yeah pretty much universally they're like live in forests or whatever even in harry potter where one of them can get a job as a teacher They are still living just in the forest What qualifications did he have? I always thought it's hilarious that he has a big old horse dick And he'd be teaching class And it'd just be swaying in the breeze as he turned

No, that only happens when he's aroused What if it was rubbing against his horse leg? And he's like, anyways, students, and he gestures to the thing and everybody's just like, oh my God. That's a big old horse dick.

I don't know how horse dicks work, but I'm guessing it's kind of- No, they're in the body and then they come out, like a dog's one. How scary. But if it's coming out, then he's aroused

and then that's fucked and you should get rid of that teacher. Yeah, you should. I always also thought it was funny that the... But hang on. Wait, no. If he's teaching in the buff, because centaurs don't wear pants, that'd be like him teaching with a flaccid penis just out.

No, it's in when it's flaccid. Yeah, but you can't see where it lives. You can still see his gross testicles. Yeah, that's true. And butthole. And butthole, his horse bite. Would they make him wear a diaper? I would hope so. I'm not saying it's perfect, I'm just saying you're not seeing a

fucking horse dick flapping about when it's flapping. How much control do horses have of their sphincter? Don't they just like cows where they're just like, oh, it's coming out. Well, he's a man, so you can be like, hey, sir, he's teaching calculus. I don't know, sometimes I'm'm on the bus and it just happens, and there's nothing I can do about that.

He's just there teaching calculus, and suddenly like... And everybody's just like, I hate this class. There's good manure right there. I also really find it funny that Trelawney's classroom is up some stairs, and horses can't go backwards downstairs. No, are you talking about in the Harry Potter thing? No, he teaches on the first floor. Oh, good, because if you want to go the Harry Potter thing? No, he teaches on the first floor. Oh, good.

Because if you want to go upstairs... Yeah, no, specifically for that reason. How does a centaur race integrate with every other race when they can't use any other race's equipment? That is why I live in the forest. Who gave them bows? Because that's like the centaur weapon. I think they're supposed to make their own.

Well, you know, wood is on trees. Yeah, but if they drop it... They can reach that. What? But if they drop one... I think they're supposed to make their own. Well, you know, wood is on trees. Yeah, but if they drop it. They can reach that. What? If a centaur drops its bow. If a centaur drops its bow, it's fucked. Especially if he drops his bow, then trips and just crushes it with his horse hoof.

And it's like, god damn it. It's like he can't. Well, let's see. I'm trying to imagine it's like a horse gate. Does that weird knee fold thing that horses do? Kind of lean to one side hang on I want to find this out now I want to get up somewhere in this room

and try and recreate I'm going to give it a go Adam you do it you're on your knees so you reckon from my waist to where my knees come down, that's a horse lying down, yeah?

Yeah. And I can't do fucking, I'm leaning from side to side, ladies and gentlemen. I reckon you could do that. All right, Adam, pick up this ball. Obviously, I've got to go where it rolled over to, Jackson. Pick up that bottle cap. Yeah, go. It's by the orange bag.

Oh, I see it. Okay. So obviously I've got to kneel down near it, which, to be fair, is a fucking hassle. It's hard enough. Because think about four more knees doing that. Adam's struggling. And then you would topple over.

I guess what maybe they would do is roll onto their side. So, fuck, hang on. I'm going to need some more room. You got this, Adam. With the whole horse spot. Now get up! Horses can get up! It's possible, but it's like a hassle.

Horse uses its weight, rolls itself, gets up. That's fine, but it's a hassle. It's a But it's like a hassle Horse uses it's weight Rolls itself Gets up That's fine But it's a hassle It's a fucking hassle Because also Your lower back Needs to be built more rigid Because that's

Yeah What we established before Yeah exactly So I'm guessing They would have to Kind of go down And then roll on their sides So you're gonna have

A lot of horse Or centaurs On their sides Just making fire and shit Which is adorable Yeah it's kind of A fucking hassle But I think you could do it. All right, all right.

So I guess dropping stuff and picking stuff up isn't as much of a hassle as I previously thought. In a life or death situation, you drop your bow, you leave it. You fucking leave it. If you're being chased by gnomes with sticks or whatever. Imagining tribal gnomes. And you roll onto your side. It's a process like it's about a five ten minute process i reckon to get down yeah it's a hassle the gnomes have stabbed you in the gut we skipped

how much of a hassle it would be for a horse to get down onto its fucking belly exactly all right so it's doable so okay they can make fire it's just gonna be a tough time do you want a bottle cap sam it there you go i wish i had my ball, but it rolled away. All the way over there. Yeah, it's going to be tough, but it's doable for a centaur to get by like that. All right. So you'd think they would have evolved longer arms.

Yeah. You'd think like a realistic, a workable centaur has arms that reach the ground. Or a spine, which is kind of like a wacky waving inflatable tube man. Yeah, he's just... That's so idiotic. Which makes sense why they all have like rippling eight-packs.

Yeah, exactly. Because they need that muscle there. True, yeah. I don't think that'd be even six-packs. I think that'd be like a quad muscle. Yeah, possibly, yeah. I mean, that would be a main muscle of a central muscle. Well, it'd have to be because that's literally what they use to keep themselves elevated.

Because if they don't have like a structural bone in their body yeah which kind of helps that natural curve to keep them upright which i think they might not then those muscles oh man can you imagine a baby centaur how weak and shit i saw this really funny comic because you know like horses can like as soon as they're born a horse like a couple minutes horse is ready to run. But a human baby is not doing that any time. I saw this comic where it's like horse legs running around, human baby like fucking flopping about on the top. But it would be like... That's a really good way to kill a baby too.

You don't shake baby. That's how nannies go to prison. Even just like speaking of centaur babies Centaur birth How the fuck Like horses I guess Like horses but you'd have to get down there And help deliver it

Because the horse The baby head might come out Hang on how do horses give birth Do they do it standing In a sack Yeah they stand I'm pretty sure Hang on

They stand good Sack? Yeah, a fetal sack And you've never seen a horse, baby? That's unrelated to what we're talking about, Jackson That's how they survive in the womb No, the sack comes out too Yes, Jackson

It does, okay That's unrelated to what we are talking about right now It's like in the ballpark but we're trying to go for the home run It does, okay? That's unrelated to what we are talking about right now. It's like in the ballpark, but we're trying to go for the home run and you're talking about the base plate. So they do it standing up, yeah? Yeah.

So I guess that'd be fine because you have all the midwiffs. Midwives. Midwives, okay, yes. Midwifery, there we go. Call them midwiff. Midwiff. Then there'd be like the kneeling down Because I'm guessing with Adam kneeling down on his knees

Before his face would be maybe at Like centaur vagina level And then you'd have the hands I'm short, is that what you're trying to tell me? No, I'm saying that But imagine logistically So we give birth to baby's head first Well, not us

Not always It happens all over the place Yeah my brother was hanging himself in the womb Primarily babies come out head first Emo already was Just like around the neck like kill me now Not even gonna bother Like a dickhead

No but primarily we give birth head first That's the basic way I don't know enough about childbirth We give birth head first That's the basic way and if you're doing it the other way around I don't know enough about childbirth To know that We do it head first But a centaur is designed like a T

So if the baby head comes out then you've just got an upside down Horse in the womb Maybe they lay eggs But does it come out head first Though What do you mean How do it come out head first though? What do you mean? What if it like, how do horses come out?

I'll watch a horse for this show. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. Poor thing. Unless they do lay eggs. Because then they give their laid eggs as hatch. No problem, right? You can have a whole litter. Okay, here's a horse giving birth.

It's so alien, just imagining a half horse, half man laying an egg. Such an alien thing to imagine. It's a sack and I hate it. Give me the fucking thing. I'll watch it. I want to know how a horse comes out.

Oh yeah, Jack, watch it. Describe it. It's so gross. I just want to know what a horse comes out. Oh, yeah, Jack. Watch it. Describe it. It's so gross. I just want to know what part comes out first. Okay. Unless it's a sack, and then if it's all, like, bunched up. Oh, it's just a horse butthole. The music's so pleasant. Ew.

Ew. Describe what you see just like the back half of a horse but it's in the sack so it looks like a lizard skin and it's coming out of the horse vagina and it's the size of a foal so the the sack jackson do not look away this is the miracle of life the horse is looking back like what the fuck away. This is the miracle of life. There's so much. The horse is looking back like, what the fuck? The baby horse is looking fucked up. His head's a mess. So his head first? No, it came out leg first, back off.

You're fine. That's okay. Now the horse is walking wrong. I always walk wrong at first. And now it's eating. It's kind of cute. I like that part. And it's eating. It's eating. There's a lot of healthy nutrients in that sack, Jackson. Lots of healthy nutrients.

Do not look away. You stare. Do not close your eyes. I hate it. The music's so nice. It's so pleasant. Jackson, this is beautiful. Say it. Okay.

Say it. It was beautiful. That's right, horse. I can get the whole video, 30 minutes on DVD. Hang on, let me get it. www.b8.com Hang on a minute. Hang on.

They can pay us, then you can plug the website. Want to see more horse boots? We haven't seen one yet hey alright so that was traumatising so it came out feet first it came out

yeah feet first back off back legs first but then it becomes that butt first it's gonna get to the human bit and have to do like

a weird u-turn kind of exactly and then the baby's head is coming out last which is bad because it might suffocate

exactly I reckon it'd come out no because it might suffocate. Exactly. I reckon it'd come out... No, why would it suffocate? You're getting oxygen from your mama. Here's something gross. Just like if it's in that sack, right? The centaur vagina has to open up real wide. Is the horse coming out sideways?

Just like plop out. Horse vagina already got to open up. The human part is not the big part of a centaur already got opened up the human part is not the big part of a centaur the horse is the big part actually you're right because the horse

is the big part the baby I reckon is just gonna you know if I were a centaur I would not be worried about the human part

coming out I'm worried about that fucking big horse badonkadonk coming out I'm thinking maybe if it came out like all four hooves first.

Oh, that worked. And then you just grab the four hooves. Grab them and pull. Tug it out? Yeah. Okay, well. Or like head first and then like the back. It's kind of coming that way. All squished up and you pull it out. Then it learns to walk.

Gross. That's unpleasant. Also, centaurs couldn't kiss whilst having sex and that's unpleasant. Also, centaurs couldn't kiss whilst having sex, and that's sad. Centaurs can't kiss. It depends how flexible their spines are. We established not very. Just at that bend. Okay, I'm going to do some more

actions today. Jackson, get behind me. No, here we go. I'll just do it on the couch that I'm sitting on, okay? You guys are going to have to describe it because I'm far away from the microphone. Alright, yeah, so you're going to be like... I'm getting fucked. You're getting fucked from behind. And then I'm like I want to kiss my centaur boo.

Yeah. You could do it. There you go. It'd be gross and weird. He could kiss you like on the neck or something. I guess like lip to lip is going to be hard. You could do it. It's just like Oh wait, no, hang on. Jackson. I forgot there was a whole centaur body in between. Yeah, it's a while.

Yeah. Centaur lovemaking is a very impersonal experience. But I guess so that's the way with horses anyway. Horses can't kiss. I was about to say yeah, I don't think horses kiss very often during sex. Unless it's a very, very caring horse.

Exactly. Snuggly. Hang on. Centaur beds. What do they fucking look like? They probably don't sleep in a bed. Probably just a pile of straw or hay or something like that. And they lay down.

No, but see, Adam, the reason horses sleep in hay is because farmers provide them with hay. It doesn't just happen in nature. Yeah, what's the wild centaur sleeping on? How funny is it to imagine you're a farmer with a whole bunch of horses and you're just looking out at your pack or whatever they are. Yeah, herd.

And there's like a centaur amongst them and you're like, that ain't right. I guess, like a bird, a centaur must collect things for its nest. It's a bit of stealing, eh? Get out of here! Centaurs are a fucking menace for farmers. Which brings me to my egg theory kind of good, because if it's like a bird...

Then I have to collect stuff. Bird horsemen. Scary thing. Maybe it's not fur, it's feathers. Makes more sense sense like the dinosaurs we always thought there was fur it's not

well not with the dinosaurs but the we never thought dinosaurs had fur furry dinosaurs or scales so if we so where do we assume

that centaurs are eating meat yes okay so look or a diet with meat in it yeah omnivores maybe they like you know they they're the herbivores that eat a little bit of meat you know what i mean yeah yeah okay it's just a sometimes food for them so what is a centaur civilization like

or not civilization but like a a group of centaur in their day-to-day what are they doing it'd be very nomadic tribes in i i would i would argue be very similar to what the early uh what what what the you know australian the early settlers like what they discovered the aboriginals um of of our land was sort of doing the very nomadic tribes going from you know place to place following what they needed and kind of living off the land kind of thing they're often depicted as being very mystical as well oh yeah i suppose magic suppose magic. Oh yeah, magic. We forgot about magic. No, I think we should just leave magic out of this because when you bring in magic,

it's like, well, what the fuck matters now? The thing is, I actually can't think of a time where centaurs are depicted as actually possessing like practical magic. They can like maybe tell the future and shit, which, yeah. I would say like shamans and shit like that. Again, that mystical shaman, and they would have the head of the tribes.

Every tribe gets one. I think it informs more of their culture than their life. Centaurs might be a highly superstitious people or something like that. We looked in the clouds, and the clouds did this, and then maybe we could... Except maybe their superstitions are more accurate.

Can actually tell the future. Can any of them be pyromancers, control the fires? No. That's how you make fire. That would be useful. Useful, very fucking useful. But I can't think of a time where centaurs have ever been depicted doing this as such.

Centaur breathing fire. It's good to imagine like a centaur dragonkin. Centaurs could never integrate into basic society not without a lot of considerations like and nobody's giving centaurs considerations because they're not like one of the is that why they lay eggs i don't like them let them out of the town is that why they're nomadic because we're like in a in a fantasy setting where a lot of them are humanoids they are just alien enough to for us to be kind of bigoted against them. In a lot of fantasy settings, people who are like that are often either nomadic or go off and make their own society far away.

Because they can't, like, you know, elves and gnomes and dwarves, I mean, they're just basically the same thing. Humans, yeah, with variations. Whereas a centaur is like us, but just a the height. Humans yeah with variations. Whereas a centaur is like us but just a little bit alien. I don't even think it's necessarily like a kind of prejudice but I would say they would be. It's just

impractical. Yeah like it's just practicality but that impracticality would breed prejudice. Maybe. Yeah I guess Well like if we're talking about nomadic tribes that don't go into town very often like you know in any sort of medieval, at least, society, that's going to breed a lot of prejudice because they're like, well, we don't see them. So, you know, they could be fucking anything. Exactly.

Literally and figuratively. But it would easily create an us versus them dichotomy. Like, it's going to be very simple to be. I'm not sure if it would be. To demonize the horsemen. Aspen's them sounds like medieval society. All these societies are like, let's rise up and destroy the

same horse, which I don't think that it would do. It wouldn't be welcome. But in that sort of sense, we like to put things in boxes. We like to kind of... Maybe you do. Don't put me in no box i'm sorry um but we generally as as one of the you know traits of humanity we'd like to put things in boxes

and but see i don't even think like maybe it might breed that but say you're the mayor of a little town of humpton in the in gobbledygook in the shire of gobbledygook and a group of like roaming centaurs they're like hey our forest burned down do you reckon we could come live in your city and you'd just be like we don't like your kind around well see you might be i'd just be like i don't want to i don't know how to build beds for you actually oh i thought you were going to say like that you might welcome them i think i just got sold on welcoming them because like they can tell the future. What if they can help us? We'll be like, we'll take one.

Chain him up! Give me your shaman! Poke him with sticks until he tells me what... But no, like, you know, if there's actually some truth to that... That might be what they would do. You imagine that your cow tipping is meant to be a ritual in certain

places. It's like, capture the fucking fucking seer, capture the truth teller. Nah, I figured out fucking fire. Centaurs are like, farmers, make us some fire and we'll tell you where and when to grow crops. Symbiotic relationship with farmers. If you're a farmer and you see a centaur looking confused amongst your horses, good sign. The fucking mysticism is an evolutionary trait that they evolve in exchange for fire. That guess makes sense. No, it doesn't. It doesn't make a lick of sense.

Jackson, over millions of years, the centaurs learnt that when you look at certain stars You can trade that for fire What don't you get? I guess centaurs could trade lying about the future for fire That's where the mysticism comes in Exactly people are like oh wait no That didn't work at all I guess what can a centaur do that a human can't?

Run faster? Over short distances? Like how we treat Mules and Probably like, you know, fucking beast of burden Like how we use mules and horses Beast of burden, could we use centaurs as beast of burden? It's really cool to imagine like a town

Where there's like a relationship between the humans And the centaurs, because they've created like a Symbiotic thing where the centaurs are like we'll tell you when to plant your crops for good thingo but and you give us fire and shit and we'll like pull your like plows and stuff that's pretty good that's kind of actually can we cut this out i might use that yes um i was gonna say with centaursurs The struggle would just be Building them like Houses But then would they want houses?

Couldn't you just be like You can have that field I think it's easier for a horse To not have a house They just need the shelter They just need like a tent Yeah Some grass maybe

Not grass Straw I just can't imagine Grass is all over the place They don't need grass They're good for grass Centaur trying to eat Loring its body

Like its human body Just slamming into the ground. I was imagining him at like a bar. And it's like, have a drink. And he's like, okay. Slap, slap. Fucking cutlery everywhere. Glasses smashed. Gets up like beer on his face.

I fear I've done this wrong. A drunk centaur would be a hassle. Oh my God. Even a drunk horse is a hassle. Right, but a centaur. With his head all flailing all over the place. Getting into fights with his giant one peck that's just huge. Smacking into people.

Imagine you're like a human. Looking at my woman. I was just imagining him slamming down forward like headbutting you with his head. Oh fuck. That would hurt. That would kill. That would just kill you. Um,

I was going to say something about centaurs. Centaurs run, like a horse runs fast, like over short distances, which is useful, but we run like, you know, we've got that long distance running.

Yeah. So surely we just, in like the primitive times, just eat the cave the the cave like if you if all all things being equal i think we'd win in a fight well like like sometimes how we eat horse yeah uh or certain like cultures eat horse it'd be the very similar with the center you'd have some cultures it'd have to be like oh my god you alone even as a caveman i'm not saying like jackson you're unfit i'm saying i am though one well whatever that's beside the point one human does not take down a centaur in a fight that's true it'd be a pack oh yeah yeah

you're right in a fight yeah one because one on one of course like human being turns around kicks you because they'll just panics and runs and then you run it till it's exhausted. But no. Centaur's a smarter than that. Centaur just turns around and is like, excuse me? I'll slap you. You're like, oh, nothing, never mind.

No, Centaur turns around and fucking kicks you with his back legs. You just spook him from walking behind him. He brains you good. Can Centaur spook easily? Oh, I hope so. I hope they keep that track. About human level intelligence, surely.

No, I want them to be a... Turn around. I just they keep that track. About human level intelligence, surely. No, I want them... But if it's behind a centaur, you can't turn around. I just want them to have a little bit more of a spook meter. I feel like a centaur should have his torso in the middle of the horse. Please, Jackson. Because no other animal is designed with such a top-heavy front. Like, that's ridiculous. It just, like, wouldn't work in nature.

Birth is going to be harder. But in the middle... Because you're a literal T. You've got 360 vision of your whole body. Well, no, your spine would have... That's not what a centaur is. A centaur is up the front. Deal with what you've got.

Don't change shit, okay? Imagine that spine. You being this weird genetic manipulator No way they have a spine in that instance That's muscle keeping that That is the gelatinous goop Or head on either end

Because otherwise the centaur Or a fucking spine like an owl And then it can just It can swivel Swivel a bit Now that's a spine That solves the centaur problem and then it can just swivel a bit. Now that's a spine. That solves the centaur problem. Can you imagine

trying to sneak up on a centaur or something like that and it just fucking swivels around. Flips around. Trying to sneak up on me? No. Then we just kick you. Centaurs do have the benefit of being able to trample you and stab you with a spear. That is true.

That's pretty good. They've got natural weapons, which we don't. So, I mean, that's a benefit for old Sandors. Wait, hang on. What does a horse hoof look like without a shoe? Is it gross? Yeah, it's long. Like, what happens?

It gets, like... Do they have to get, like, shoes? Do you mean Sandors have to get shoes? Yeah. I you mean centaurs have to get shoes? I'm not 100% sure why horses get shoes I think it's because a horse hoof grows out really gross It grows out really gross If they don't use it a lot though Is that it?

Because horses exist in the wild And they don't have a horse Unless But like They're fucking wild horses and they do just fucking fine. Yeah. Maybe it's like a,

because if you have horses, like racehorses or whatever, they just stay in the one area. They don't go on like hard surfaces very often. So they get little wuss feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Little wuss feet horses. And I guess because,

no, if they're running, they're doing more impact. Yeah. Yeah. And if they're doing a lot of impact running, it might split the male. A metal horseshoe. And also, they might just be...

That they're on hard surfaces, man-made surfaces. Maybe. Like in the wild, they're on rocks and shit. They could Google this. I mean, we fucking looked up horse perking. But I refuse. So, you wouldn't need... You actually might need to... Blacksmiths, though, in the centaur tribe... Would probably need to choose some centaurs. Another thing they't need, you actually might need to.

Blacksmiths though in a centaur tribe. We'd probably need to choose some centaurs. Another thing they'd need to trade. Yeah. Yeah. Could you imagine like a centaur blacksmith just getting down his knees? Hey, symbiotic stuff evolves naturally all the time. Yeah, that's true.

I think a centaur, the best bet for a centaur to really thrive is a symbiotic relationship. But it seems like I'm getting less as the human out of that relationship. Yeah. Like, what am I getting from the centaur

other than him being like, stars are looking good. We're getting everything a horse does but that we can talk to and they can talk back. Well, it depends how good they're out of...

Like, you know, if you're a farmer in a medieval society, you live and die on your goddamn crops. Yeah, that's true. If you fuck up, that might be you.

That might be you. But he can't help. The centaur will just be like, what's the future? And he's like, your crops are going to fail might be you. That might be you. I'll just be like, what's the future? And he's like, your crops are going to fail. Like, shit. What now? But he can help you.

He can be like, grow now, harvest here. It's basically like having an awesome horse. It's like having a horse that can do all the stuff a horse can do, like pull shit, take you for sweet rides, be a fucking horse. But they can also converse with you that's a good fucking point and we have horses jackson and also tell the future i suppose if you were like jackson do you want a horse that can tell the future and you can have a sick conversation about bows and arrows and i could probably become a companion horse yeah what i'm sold on fucking centaurs

Same, I'm good for centaurs now I would go down and buy several centaurs To help out my farm Human level intelligence You went down a strange path Is there centaur slavery in them? You are! It's like a farm hand, yeah

Well then I would go down and hire them Go down to the local centaur slave auction. Well, they would be slaves then. Why? If we're talking about that kind of level. They can be slaves, but they don't have to be slaves. Well, then they have to be slaves, but they would be a centaur slave trade. They might be, yes.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Do you reckon centaurs have a closer affinity with humans or horses? Like, you know a centaur can chat to us, But do you reckon a centaur can chat to a horse? I don't think horses have a conversation, Charleston. But do you reckon a centaur's, like, comfortable within a herd of horses? I don't think so. Because otherwise, it's like he's ignoring, like, two-thirds of his body. Don't forget your origins.

This is where you came from. No, because, like, a fucking... What communication are you going to have with a horse? You sitting down and having a conversation with an orangutan No, just like being comfortable with her But I don't have an orangutan's legs Wow What if I had like an orangutan's legs

And I went and like I would be like Maybe I should get in touch with orangutans Jackson, you're full of bad ideas Why was my first thought That you were implying I would with orangutans. Jackson, you're full of bad ideas, though. Why was my first thought that you were implying I would tell my bad ideas to the orangutan to get the orangutan in trouble? Jackson, you're full of bad ideas. Orangutans have got a couple ideas for how to run a business.

Stop influencing the bad influence of these orangutans. Let's rob a bank, Bono. You're setting them on a bad path. I like that somebody named their orangutan Bono. That pleases me. Anyway. I just think they're dissentable. I don't think they would chat with horses because

if you're talking about sentience levels, you're talking about conversational intelligent-wise, right? Maybe not a conversation with a horse, but they might just enjoy the company of horses. Like the same way you'd enjoy the company of a pet, maybe. But, like, think about it. Can centaurs fuck humans?

And in that case, can a centaur fuck a horse? I don't know if I want a centaur to fuck me. Yeah, big horse dick. Unless he's got a dick on the front. In which case, weird, but kind of cool. What if he's got both? Awesome. So I think I was imagining when you're talking about centaur tipping

with somebody grabbing the centaur's big long hair and tying it to its tail. It's like a cruel prank. His head would be back. It'd be funny. No, but that kind of enforces my point. A centaur can fuck a horse. A centaur is designed to have sex with a horse.

But it couldn't fuck a human. No. So, vis-a-vis, i.e., e.g., a centaur has some affinity with horses. Evolutionarily, a centaur is designed to fuck a horse. Jackson, I do not have an affinity with every animal I can physically fuck. No, but you're not designed to fuck anything but a human. It's more of an effort for you to bang a dolphin. Like, you've got to put in some work.

But for a horse... I imagine a horse might have to put in a little bit, and a centaur might have to put in a little bit. No, but he's got a horse stick, and that's a horse body. Yeah, like, what if a ferret... Does a centaur know when a... Like, a mare is only interested in sex during its heat. Yeah, but centaurs know when that's happening it's heat What if a centaur's on heat

Oh I hate it Centaur vagina smells Fucking heat exists Because a dog Heat exists because a dog or a horse Can't be like hey let's have sex So they need like something to give them That impetus

Centaur doesn't need that Centaur can be like hey hey, let's have sex That's true But a centaur can still, is designed to fuck a horse If I was a centaur catholic I would be like, what's God trying to tell me here? Like if I was anti-evolutionary and a centaur I'd be like, okay, this is what God wants

And on that note, I'd be like, okay, this is what God wants. And on that note, I've been Joel. I'm just trying to express my thoughts. I've been Jackson. I've been Adam. And I guess that's how a centaur works. No, I'm just saying. Jackson, I'm mad.

If your vagina was designed to fuck a rhino, you'd be like, maybe I should be fucking rhinos. Jackson Bailey, full of bad ideas. Yes. Confirmed. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.