Plumbing the Death Star - How Does Aquaman feel about Global Warming?

Episode Date: April 24, 2016

In which our heroes go under the sea, down where it’s wetter, where no body beat us, fry us or eat us and wonder what Aquaman would think of Global Warming. We fry some fish and make him watch, pump gas into the atmosphere to speed everything up and go whaling for research. Jackson's ancestors clearly don't understand how fire works, Zammit gets super scientific by consulting wikipedia and Duscher just wants to prove his dominance by throwing his rubbish in the bin. So join the gang as they freeze the sun to solve the problem once and for all. Want to live forever? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can not be a bloody goldfish. Why doesn't Aquaman do more about overfishing? Do us a favour and go to http://www.geekfuel.com/sanspants and sign up to find out that superheros aren't real!The annual podcast awards are open for nominations so just head to http://www.podcastawards.com and nominate your favourite shows and let’s see if we can get them on the list! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how does Aquaman feel about global warming? Aquaman! Aquaman! No one greater than Aquaman Here's the thing about Aquaman The bloody crux of the lad Is that he's an Atlantean Or half an Atlantean

And he comes from Atlantis And Atlantis is a sea empire Yeah? Yes So as a sea empire You'd want more sea You would So global warming

Kind of works in favour Of the sea empire of atlantis and surrounds the seven kingdoms as it were clever uh zamit has opened up the effects of global warming wikipedia page very early on in this episode and that's good but imagine if neil degrasse tyson did his you know how he does like snarky rude tweets and ruins the movie for everyone actually if he did that for this episode because we got global warming so wrong. What's his name? Neil deGrasse what? DeGrasse High Tyson.

Yeah, Neil deGrasse High Tyson. Neil deGrasse High Tyson. If we get things wrong, please tweet us. I hear you like The Martian. That's good. I hear you didn't really like Interstellar. I think. I don't know. I think you got mad at something. No, you got mad at gravity. That's good. Here you didn't really like interstellar. I think. I don't know.

I think you got mad at something. No, you got mad at gravity. That's right. Yeah. So I think... You'd think for the seven kingdoms of the sea, global warming would be fucking right up Aquaman's bloody alley. It depends because global warming also makes the sea hot. Also potential ice age as well.

That's... Oh, yeah. That's not great for a home visit. How did the Atlanteans deal with the first ice age or the second one did they just get or the third one where they went into a cave full of dinosaurs they're making another ice age movie stop who are they making them for first one came out in 2001 no one that watched the first ice age in the cinema is now like, fuck yeah, another Ice Age. They're like, fuck. I'm so old.

Because fucking somebody needs to give Ray Romano work. I guess that's even needed. I guess everyone loves Raymond. He's gone like syndication. He's probably fine. He's fine for money. Syndication rules are so strange. Like you have to have a hundred episodes. Weird. Anyway.

Keep going. Aquaman. Back 100 episodes Weird, anyway Aquaman Back to Aquaman Yeah, before we delve in How did Aquapiple fight the first Ice Age? Did they just freeze? Well the same shit we have How we No, but we were on land, so that meant that we could find

Places to hide We weren't in the ocean as it froze. But you don't... Did the whole ocean freeze as one solid block, Jackson? No, it did not. From the top of the ocean all the way down. But hear this shit, you stupid cunts. Jackson's catchphrase.

I would love a DJ that was like my face with a cheesy grin And my hand underneath my head Listen here you stupid cunt But As human beings We can light a goddamn fire Get warm from the ice Can't light a fire in the sea dickhead

Well listen to this You daft cunt damn fire get warm from the ice yeah can't light a fire in the sea dickhead uh uh uh well listen to this you daft cunt my new catchphrase yeah uh thermal vents under the sea so you're suggesting that during the ice age the atlanteans were like everyone just huddle around this i guess humanity was huddling around a hot hot fire there's volcanoes under the sea that's yeah and also thermal vents that's a good way to cook do Do you know how hot they get? Yeah, the crabs, they love it there. There's crabs that just hover over there. Yeah, but not fucking weak-ass man skin. Seaman beings. Seaman beings.

How great is it to imagine going down by a vent and you see an Atlantean just cook inside one? But they're Atlanteans. I guess they are stronger than your average human being. They wouldn't have human skin, they'd have seaman skin. Yeah, that's true. And that is dealing with the pressure of the ocean, and that would be hard as a fucking diamond, mate. That'd at least be

as hard as toast. Yeah, at least. Toast is harder than skin, right? No! Not at all. But that means I guess, then you're right, then Aquaman and his Atlantean buddies, his Seaman buddies, would be fine for the next Ice Age. Yes.

So it's not even a trip. The hot water isn't even a trip if they can survive a hot vent. That's true. They're just going to need the hot vent. They wouldn't be in the hot vent. Yeah, you'd move and they'd migrate Atlantis. You know how humans lit a fire to stay warm, but they stood around the fire?

They didn't set on the fire? Kind of the same thing. I'm sure one or two sat on the fire and were like, why not working? I just hurt. I'm now not cold. I'm now pain. Grok replaces cold with pain.

It does not work out for him at all. So I think that probably... Don't feel cold, only pain. Fucking cavemen are the best. Anyway. So I guess global warming would work out for him then. It'd work out for the At least the kingdoms

The seven kingdoms And the seven seas With the global warming What happens with it? So the sea levels rise Sea levels rise It gets real hot It gets real hot

Well some places get cold Some places get hot Fucking you gotta deal with UV radiation UV rays I was gonna say Like tornadoes And typhoons

And that kind of shit. Well, at floods, so you get some land. It kind of, like, and also, fucking when the ice caps melt and the sea level rises, like, they encroach on, like, yeah, yeah. With floods, it gets land. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So, yeah, you've got that to deal with. You know, there's going to be death of species.

But it's no species that Aquaman gives a shit about Like if Polar Bear dies, whatever I guess so, but there will I'm sure Aquaman's punched a Polar Bear Yeah, because it's not a sea creature Aquaman hates seals Polar Bears, frogs Human beings

And any other semi-aquatic creature And especially Toucan He hates Toucan beings. No, but I'm sure Aquaman has like a strong... I was going to say he'd have a strong dislike for anything that spends a lot of time on the land and in the water. But Aquaman himself spends a lot of time on the land and in the water. Yeah. Maybe he loves seals. Do you know what would be good though?

Like if there was a flood. Atlanteans would get to eat foods they usually wouldn't get to eat. That's true. They could eat shit from trees. That's also true. I was thinking of them just going into a French restaurant and swimming up, sitting down and being like

I'll have one of this. It's like the corpse of a waiter floating by. This is weird. This is fucking... I love human society. This is good, yes. Yes. Das gut. Even like eating beer

Eating beer Eating cheese, eating dairy and also drinking beer Because I don't think we're going to Why are you assuming Say a flood happens over a city And they're like, oh great All of this wet cheese I'm just thinking dairy

I suppose, but because Atl, but The cows are all dead No, but the cows can't They would still have access to this packaged dairy food What's better though? A wet steak or no steak? Exactly That's the real question Everything of Atlantean they eat is going to be wet

That sucks I think Atlanteans can come on land I know, but They don't Natural Atlanteans in come on land. I know, but... They don't. Natural Atlanteans in their natural environment is going to be underwater. They tend not to. So anything they eat is going to be wet.

Yeah, that sucks. No, but it's fine because they're like fish people. I guess. Do they wear socks? Because I would sock. Do they even have legs? Oh, no. That's mermaids.

They have legs. They have legs. They do have legs. Let's see. What is an Atlantean in the DC Universe? Because I know what Atlantean is in in the marvel universe i'm very unfamiliar well in atlantis is kind of like the capital city and it's off the coast of america somewhere but in the dc universe there are the seven kingdoms which are basically seven different kingdoms of atlantis but they've all been like

frayed like the mongolian tribes and so the whole thing about Aquaman is that he's supposed to be reuniting the Seven Kingdoms. That's his fucking deal. But he just punches Paul Abel. He's like, no, fuck it. I'm going to live on land with my mermaid girlfriend and our dog. And meet Batman sometimes. And sometimes meet Batman and his brother. He's like king of the Atlanteans.

But apparently a lot of the Atlanteans don't actually know that they're Atlanteans. They just think they're some other thing. But lol, turns out they're all Atlanteans. It's a mess down there. So I was going to say, is it like a kingdom that's... Are they actually factioned or broken off from humanity at some point? Or is it just... I don't know.

Probably not. Only because they got like a whole human body. I'm going to say it's magic. It has to be. I'd say magic. Anyway. a whole human body, I'm going to say it's magic. It has to be. Anyway,

so is it sort of like in the Marvel Atlanteans, you go to Atlantis and you sort of walk up some steps and it's going to open up a door and it's air. No, it's all underwater. It's all underwater. And you just kind of float around

this stupid city. Why are Gungans on land Under the sea You can survive under the sea No but they can't that's why they built spaceships to go under the water They're like frogs They're amphibian They can hold their breath for ages and swim real good But they can't

I'm going to throw this bottle in the bin so if you hear a loud noise Listeners that's what it was Okay here we go Nailed it That's actually impressive because me and Jack So if you had a loud noise, listeners, that's what it was. Okay, here we go. Nailed it. Nailed it. That's actually impressive because me and Jack tried it before and we fucked up royally. Badly. Just utterly badly.

Also, I'd just like to point out that you guys were polite enough to do it before we started recording. Not me. Mid-episode. I know. I feel like there are other issues with global warming, though, in terms of I feel like as the sea gets hotter, a lot of the sea animals will die. I feel like that's just part with global warming though in terms of, I feel like as the sea gets hotter a lot of the sea animals will die

I feel like that's just part of global warming. Why doesn't Aquaman do more about overfishing? Do you know how terrible overfishing is for the planet and for the fish? But Aquaman ain't ever done shit about it I find it really hard to just go Jackson, Aquaman's not real?

Oh no! You were like so genuine Why hasn't he? Kind of like if you had a president or a prime minister That wasn't doing something about a really easy problem And you're like, what's wrong with them? If Aquaman existed, if I lived in the DC universe I'd be writing, I wouldn't even be writing letters

I'd be booping up to the fucking DC Space station And I'd be like, hello, What the fuck? Knock, knock. This is me, Jackson. Aquaman, have you seen what they did to lobsters? They used to grow infinitely. They were so big. Now we don't.

What's up with that? You gonna do anything about it, Aquaman? I know you probably can't do shit about freshwater fish. That's fine. Salmon farms, Aquaman? That's not on. That's bad. What are you doing?

Fighting Black Manta? No Maybe sort out the fishing problem I forgot about Black Manta Yeah he's great What are those Anglefish buddies looking like? You know those dudes look like Anglefish Yeah yeah I forgot what they're called

They're in like the New 52 comic Those guys are sick Black Angelfish Black Angelfish Yes Anglerfish I think they are Yeah that's what I meant They're just

They're kind of They're humanoid They just come onto land They're like oh look at this new food yeah and they start eating everyone that's good new fucking new 52 aquaman comic is bloody ripper but all the fish dying is probably not great for aquaman but evidently he doesn't care anyway because he's not doing anything about the fishing problem what's what's a aqualad diet what if i'm just a humble aqualad living in Atlantis? One of the Atlantises. And just being like, this isn't Atlantis.

That's what you'll be thinking. Yeah, exactly. You'll be like, I'm not an Atlantis, but you are. What do they call themselves? They all have different names. Aquaman's girlfriend, I forget. Well, her name is Lorelei. I'm not saying it wasn't names.

It wasn't the name of the fucking town. Well, that's what I'm saying. She's got like a whole different name. That's where she lives. And she doesn't know she's from Atlantis. And then her dad's like'm saying. She's got like a whole different name. That's where she lives and she doesn't know she's from Atlanta. And then her dad's like, yeah, well, soz. Is that what they call them? You're from Atlanta. Aqueduct, yes. Aqueduct.

Aqueduct. No, but yeah, so I don't know what they call it. But fuck it, you're from one of those cities. What's your diet? What am I eating? Probably fish. Okay, fish, krill. Yeah, krill. What do you get, like a big whale mouth? Run around being like... No. Suck in the krill. Catch them with a net. Krill Yeah Krill What do you get Like a big whale mouth Run around being like No Suck in the krill

Catch them with a net They're so tiny though No actually They'd probably be better You don't know what krill are do you I always thought they were like prawns No They're like this big

Tiny They're like literally tiny And what the fuck's a whale eating them for Whales are idiots Whales are the panda of the sea They're eating the wrong food for them Whales should be eating like sharks Sharks and people

Killer whales have the right idea Killer whales though Are a dolphin I know it makes me mad But you're probably eating fish realistically Like in the new 52 Aquaman comic He's eating fish and chips And everybody's like why are you eating fish and chips?

And he's like Whatever Fish can't talk That's true Fish aren't people guys I can eat fish Can they farm underwater? Yeah I don't see why not

Can Aquaman speak to animals? Isn't that his power? No he can just communicate with them But like If you communicate with a fish It's like I am a fish I want to eat

And then I would like to Lay my eggs In the ground And then die A good death. You can probably have better conversations with squid and shit because they're pretty clever. Yeah.

That's true. But, yeah, you're probably farming seaweed and stuff, I imagine. Yeah. Which might fuck you up when global warming because... Yeah. Hits you when it slams into the planet. No, because doesn't global warming have a terrible effect on seaweed and kelp

and shit? And also, kelp is one of the largest contributors to our oxygen. People think it's all the forest, but it's actually fucking kelp. Isn't it like algae? Yeah, algae blooms. Yeah, that's the ticket. As the sea warms up, algae spreads

and blue algae spreads super bad. And blue algae is real poisonous and kills everything. Something about blue algae or something about algae. Neil deGrasse Tyson. Help us out. Help us out. Yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah. Well, I know there are negative effects on the ocean. And actually, now that I think about it, Aquaman's more of a human being than an Atlantean. Definitely. So, Aquaman probably doesn't have... Maybe he's stressed about it because he doesn't want the land to melt, but like Atlantis. The land to melt.

Whatever, to get wet. His brother in Atlantis probably. It'd be very funny to see. He's more pro-global warming. Like an environmental episode of like JLA, right? Yeah.

And they're all just sitting on the space station talking about global warming. What are we doing? Blah, blah, blah. And they all just sort of turn to Aquaman and be like, you're hoping for this, aren't you you You want this to happen don't you You've been

You're the fucking traitor now It's great if you imagine that Aquaman has been on his phone the whole time And he's not paying attention And they're just discussing it and Superman's like I suppose if it did hit then All of our cities would be underwater And Batman's like Gotham would be completely submerged And then they're like, wait.

It's like, look at Aquaman. Aquaman's like, hmm? Sorry, what? What's going on? You son of a bitch. Sorry, what? Batman just punches him in the face. Throw him into space.

The one place that Aquaman can't thrive, space. But like, what? Does Aquaman have the breath? So Aquaman has lungs But also gills Can he breathe in space Even if he could He'd get pressurized and die

Can a human breathe in space Can a human breathe underwater Yeah but can a human breathe in space Now can a fish breathe in space As far as I'm aware No But I've never listened to this You've never put a fish in space I far as I'm aware no but I've never listened to this you've never put a fish

in space I don't think we have what if fish can breathe in space NASA would look like the biggest bunch of cockheads I feel like all

Neil deGrasse High Tyson needs to do is just put that quote up be like fucking fact checking the Aquaman episode of Plumbing the Death Star

this quote Neil deGrasse the next generation he's gonna Be like, fucking fact-checking the Aquaman episode of Plumbing the Death Star. This quote. Neil deGrasse the Next Generation. He's going to... Tyson. ...repeat this space. Oh, lordy. What if they can? What if?

Have we sent a fish to space? Have we sent anything with gills into space? That's not... Because gills... Filter air That's not Cause gills Filter air out of the water Yeah We're gonna filter the air out of space There is no air in space

What if we launched it with water in space? But then it would use up the air in the water and die It would drown Yeah Damn Thought I had a solution What if you got like Yes, Zabbits

What if what? So like a shuttle, right? Okay And we just like A bit of it was like Filled with the amount of water In an Olympic sized sink pool Chuffed out the space a bit

And just like Opened up a door Let the water go out What happens to that water? Well, I mean And then put a fish in that water The fish wouldn't live forever, obviously. Nothing is forever, Jack.

That is true. It'd live longer than we would in space. But what do you call it where... Because water will form a bubble because that's the easiest... It's got a name. It's the easiest shape to have. So you'd effectively just get a big bubble of water with a little goldfish swimming around inside it.

And that's awesome. And what you want is that to fly from your shuttle and just slam onto the window of the ISS. Everybody's like, what in the fucking name of God? Those plumbing boys have done it again. What are the other effects of global warming? For some reason, I just imagined a chimp with gills, and I'm so happy.

That's fucking scary. Let's see here. I didn't really look into the research of the Wikipedia article. I just clicked on the picture. That's enough. So it just says, physical increase in risk associated with some extreme weather events. Oh, we might get struck by lightning.

But Aquaman won't in the sea. Other effects include global mean sea level rise and ocean acidification. That's not great. Global warming could be irreversible for several millennia. So first off, sea level's rising. Sick. Good time for Aquaman and his tribe because they're like, it's great, more land for us, sea for us.

But then this whole acidification means probably the sea becomes an acid. So I'm guessing like pH levels would rise. Yes, or drop. Or drop. Drop. Yes, drop. So that's not great for Aquaman. Not great, but I'm guessing the Atlanteans may be more resilient than, say, Krill. Yeah, presumably, but still.

And you know what? We're talking like Aquaman has this super strong bond with sea creatures. He doesn't. He can just talk to them. It's not like he loves whales. He can just chat to whales if he wants. just talk to them it's not like he loves whales he can just chat to whales if he wants um also the atlanteans like aquaman's bro they're always trying to flood like the rest of the world yeah so it's it's what they want so they want the seed i think in the new 52 comic his brother floods

like metropolis and um gotham and shit that's good and it's like a hectic time all right so i guess he'd be as you should yeah so you Yeah. So you should be like Yaro. Well, way up. That's good. But the application's bad. Yeah, and for Melania, that's rough. Yeah, so ecological. Climate change already poses a significant risk to vulnerable systems.

So we've got Arctic ecosystems and coral reefs. Oh, man. The risks to these systems are large, even with small temperature increases. So we can't, like, look at the pretty reefs. And that, I imagine, as an Atllantean that's like a garden that's not even like a garden but that's like a sweet trippy garden you go to see all the beautiful fishes that's true it's kind of like if they were like look you'll be able to survive like a nuclear apocalypse but it's not going to be nice anymore yeah all the animals will be dead and you'll be roaming around where do we like it's

kind of fucking cool though like post-apocalyptic Aquaman in an underwater post-apocalypse? I'm in! Yeah, I'm kind of sold. So it's Mad Max underwater. Yes. So definitely in. Tinned Trident. Tinned? So like... Mad Aquaman.

Furiosian. Furiosian sounds like Furiosa. Oh, I know what George Miller was going to do with that Justice League movie now. So what's an equivalent of a reef for us land dwellers? Probably be like one of those... A botanical garden? Yeah, but like a sick botanical garden.

Yeah, probably be like full of parrots and shit. There's that place in... That's a good way to judge how sick a botanical garden is, is amount of parrots. Parrot levels How much is the parrot level and where is the macaws I really like to imagine a big chalkboard sign at the front That the caretaker of the garden raises up a little parrot

Along a meter to tell you how the Botanical garden is going Parrot levels are high today I remember going to one up in Queensland It was great and you just put your hand out And the parrots would land on it Friendly birds are weird I love them I was on a boat and there was a bird on it and the bird loved pats but patting a bird feels weird for humans it feels wrong it's great there's

too much bones they're cute with their feathers there was a bird in the city so it's like a little like a convenience store and i had like a cockatoo out the front but it was not a friendly cockatoo it would bite the fuck out of, but it was not a friendly cockatoo. It would bite the fuck out of you, but it was out of its cage. It was just hanging about, and you got to touch it. I remember I got to bite you. Why do you have this in your store with people? Do you know why?

Why? How are they going to put it back in the cage? They don't want to get bitten either. Good point. Another option is robbers. To stop robbers. That's true. Every robber's weakness

is birds you see a bird you want to go pat it I remember in Scotland this lad had like four big owls that he just had around with him in a little alleyway that was spooky well I think the equivalent would be a botanical garden or like that place in Europe

I forget where it is where it's like this beautiful hill covered in all of like these amazing different flowers however yeah nobody on earth believes in atlantis nobody believes in which is really funny because it means they think aquaman's bullshitting which is great like aquaman you're something a fucking liar do you want to just say you got fish powers from eating a fish or something you know what you know you're fucking got fish you fucked eating a fish or something. He's like, no, no, I'm half Atlantean. You know why you fucking got aqualad fish powers? You fucked a fish. We know.

Your dad fucked a goddamn fish, Aquaman, you piece of shit. So I don't actually think they'd be going to the coral reef or anything like that because we fucking monitor that shit, so we'd have seen them. That's true. Unless the government knows about Atlanteans and isn't telling us. Because I'd imagine as a young aqualad, I would want to go see this coral reef. I think that'd be

kind of beautiful. Especially when global warming just fucks it off. That would suck. Alright, so let's see some other factors. Social. Not a lot to talk about.

Everything's underwater. Sectors that include food security, water resource and human health impact will be uneven. What about when humanity starts desalinating

Aquaman's land and drinking it? Or overfishing. Do you think that global warming would... Back to overfishing. Do you reckon global warming would give more dysentery to humans? I don't know why I'm associating dysentery with global warming, but I feel like that would happen. Why?

I don't know. I just feel like acidic water would make people shit blood. Why do you think people have dysentery? Because they drink dirty water. That's why the association came from dysentery is usually yeah gross water but not acidic water no but acidic water i guess would be a different type of gross water but it might wouldn't give you dysentery but it might make you sick yeah that's also seawater yeah but the atlanteans are living in it so like like... Oh, they might get dysentery. That's true.

Oh, man. How does a fucking Atlantean toilet work? Aquashits. Do they have, like, sewage? Fish poops. Fish poops. They just float away. Just go away.

Yeah, they have to just shit in where they're standing. That's disgusting. It's gross. I guess it's the ocean, so it's like a big, large... Like, where's the whale shit? That's a good point. Fair enough. And the last one they're saying, abrupt and large-scale changes.

So it can lead to abrupt and large-scale changes in natural and human systems. So late summer Arctic sea ice extent has already substantially declined and is expected to grease further at lower temperatures. So that's not great. So it seems like the Atlanteans could survive, right? Yes. And Aquaman's kind of... Hang on, there's oceans.

Let's look at this. Oh, boy. All right. So the role of the ocean. Global warming is complex. The oceans serve as a sink for carbon dioxide, taking up much of that would otherwise remain in the atmosphere, but increased levels of CO2 led to ocean acidification,

which, again, I think there was another article down there. I'm going to read that in a sec. Alright, so the temperature of the ocean increases. They become less able to absorb CO2. I'm glad that we did this at the end, or in the second half of the episode rather than the start, because I don't think we'd have an episode. Neil deGrasse,

settle down, stop typing. The ocean has also acted as a sink in absorbing energy from the atmosphere. But the thing about Aquaman, what's lucky for him is that he can kind of go in both places. That's true. So if the world, if global warming, you know, reaches its peak and he's like, well, land's fucked, he can choof into the sea. That's true. Basically increased sea levels, melting of glaciers and ice sheets, warming of the ocean's surface,

leading to increased temperature stratification. So then we have the acidification. One third of the carbon dioxide emitted by human activity has already been taken up by the oceans. Stuff there, blah, blah, blah. Change in pH. Yada, yada, yada. Not good.

None of this works out in the favor of Aquaman hasn't really been much documentation of Aquaman so okay okay so oxygen depletion oh that's not good assuming Aquaman doesn't want global warming

right what does he do about it global warming's too intense i don't understand that people like no it's probably not gonna happen you're like no but science says so so neil degrassi high says so no but like literally so say you're aquaman right and you can see that this is going to destroy the world and you have a unique position in that you can do something about it yes what's that going to do like maybe stop fighting Black Manta and sea witches and focus on the real problems that are facing the world.

Well, I think what you'd have to do... There's too many of them. I think... Eating all of our resources. Aquaman would have to become a violent radical. Yeah. And I think that is what he would have to be. He'd have to be like, I am the protector of the ocean.

You fish, we kill you. Yeah. Aquaman and his violent ocean warriors. Yeah. Why isn't Aquaman blowing up oil, Derek? That's what we want him to do. I think Aquaman, if he was, say, one foot in the ocean, one foot on land kind of thing, he could be seeing exactly where this is all going and realizing that, okay, talk is over.

Talk is cheap, motherfuckers. He's a brutal Aquaman. Yeah. he's got a trident man this is fucking who did the dark knight rises nolan no i mean the comic no frank miller frank miller's aquaman so frank miller's aquaman he's got one like imagine like a shell oil spill and then there's the fucking ceo that just gets a trident through the brain you'd start off with like aquaman distance on a land literally one foot in the ocean one foot on the land because we're talking like heavy symbolism here like heavy obvious symbolism like not terribly clever because frank miller he's like he's pretty on the nose nowadays so it'd be something like that and with this whole thing about you know we've been to like what do you call them symposiums we've had

these fucking meetings we've had these bullshit I feel like Aquaman in this version of the comic would end up killing himself for the ocean or something like he'd end up tridenting himself

into the sun no imagine him tridenting himself into the body and he just explodes into fish and coral and you're like this has been a confusing comic

and not very good thank you Frank Miller no like everything with Frank Miller, it would be him fighting Superman. Yeah, exactly. Superman comes down and is like, nah, for some reason I want global warming.

No, Aquaman would be like, you can stop this, freeze the sun. He's like, nah, that would weaken my powers. And then Aquaman would be like, let's fight. Nah, that's cool. I'm into that. But then Aquaman would just throw his trident and snap and Superman

would pull his eyes out or whatever. You'd almost want him to be going off the rails and being like, you know, the ocean is my territory. I will protect it.

You fish here, I kill you. You oil here, I kill you. In a weird way. Almost be like a treatment of like, you have, say,

this is pretty damn, you have a month to get out of my ocean or I will take you down. But kind of what I think I like about Aquaman is that it doesn't seem like he cares. Aquaman seems like he just wishes he wasn't Aquaman. And I think even if someone was like, you have the response. If you were Aquaman, I think you'd wish you weren't Aquaman.

Imagine if somebody was like, hey, Aquaman, you have the, he'd be like, I just want to live in my lighthouse with my wife and my dog and my son, who I think is black, even though I'm not, nor is my wife. I dog and my son who i think is black even though i'm not nor is my wife i don't understand atlantean genetics he's got like dreads okay i don't know i think there's aqualad i don't know that's weird that's weird yeah i think it is now that i'm thinking about it that's really weird anyway google aqualad everyone maybe he's adopted whatever it seems like aquaman just wants a quiet life yeah and i feel like if you were like aquaman you now have the responsibility of the world.

He'd be like, shit. If he's becoming king of Atlantis. He doesn't want to be. A man with a trident is not expecting a quiet life. Yeah. And again, if he's becoming king of Atlantis, even though he doesn't want to be, like Black Manta isn't,

at least if Aquaman isn't doing it, then Black Manta should definitely be doing it. And rather than just like, we need to be flooding the cities. Like, no, you need to be like destroying like the fucking cruise liners i can imagine that like first strike they just fucking tear down a goddamn i'll be a lot cleverer than what they do in the comics where i think they just like flood the streets of gotham and they're like yes we got them they flood it but it's like up to their knees it is it's like not that deep they're just like yeah

well done atlantis just have them that's another success like swimming like there's like up to their knees it is it's like not that deep they're just like yeah well done Atlantis that's another success swimming like there's like not even like good swimming just walking kind of waddling wading wading through it

through Gotham that's bad but yeah like you know taking any kind of slight against the ocean as a slight against the Atlanteans so it's like you know

you have all these transatlantic cruisers that kind of shit to be as like oh you're in our land motherfuckers tridented that would be good you got, you know, you have all these transatlantic cruisers, that kind of shit, to be like, oh, you're in our land, motherfuckers. Tridented. That would be good. Like, you know, oil rigs.

Oh, tridented. You've got people going on their yachts. Yachts? Yachts. Hang on. Yachts. I didn't say that's not the right word. Yachts.

No. Yacht. Let's go yachting. I love the annual yacht race. Get on the yacht. So they're going on their yachts being like, try it in a... I think that'd be a very cool way. I think that'd be alright, but I can't see Aquaman

doing it. I can see maybe Aquaman's brother doing it. What's his name? Yumcha. Yumcha. I don't know what it is. I don't even know Black Manta's name other than Black Manta. I was going to say Yumcha-sha sounds super familiar.

One, it's a food. Two, Dragon Ball Z. There you go. So how does Aquaman feel about global warming? I'm guessing he's indifferent. Yeah, indifferent, though, largely. It sounds like Aquaman is a little bit indifferent about life. Because Aquaman, you've got to remember,

was raised by an old fisherman who might not even believe in global warming. Really funny to imagine if the J jla are up in their like satellite and superman's like look it's a quiet week let's see what we can do about global warming aquaman's like fucking liberal media superman over here we want to sort out a real problem let's talk about these marriage rights he's just like what the fuck aquaman you are i was raised in a seaside town by a fisherman. You are married to a non-human.

Yeah. I know. But a female non-human. Where do we draw the line? Can a man marry a dog now? Can a man marry a fish woman? Yes, he can, I have. But an actual fish, though? No, no, I have. But a actual fish though?

No, no, no. It was Adam and Eve not Adam and fish boy. Everyone's just like, okay well we'll just fuck you off then I guess. Pull out his eyes. He gets the call. I heard you got some cool dreads.

You seem like a more progressive guy. Is it a thing if you squeeze a fish, their eyes pop out? I'm sure it would happen. Because they can just do that to Aquaman, just squish him. I'm sure Superman could do literally anything. But Aquaman, he just sort of seems like

he was born just a human being. And I feel like if I was in charge of the JLA, I'd be like, Aquaman, hey, it's cool. Don't worry, just live in your lighthouse. We won't bother you. I see if I was Aquaman You'd want Aquaman to be a bit more of a progressive I think Superman can do it though

Superman can do anything Superman shouldn't be but is Yeah, he's raised on Kansas Yeah, he should be like I'm only going to save whites Well, he shouldn't be like that But based on his upbringing That's so amazing

Being like Superman So you're going to protect Humanity? He's like yes But I'm only going to save whites I'm glad he's not Because racism is wrong but comic books have taught me that sometimes heroes are bad

because writers are bad that's true imagine the shocked silence after white pride superman flies away and everyone's just like did he fucking say he's only saving white

did you fucking hear that get the kryptonite is he being gravedigant like no is batman with his little fucking kryptonite. Is he being brainwashed? No. Is Batman with his little fucking kryptonite meter? No. No, he's a... Damn it. Made a lot of noise there.

Well... Okay, assuming Aquaman is not like a anti-gay marriage, anti global warming bigot, then I think he... And assuming Superman... He's not just going to save just flies.

I assume that Aquaman doesn't want to do something about global warming, but probably feels obliged. Yeah. I think that's probably what it would come down to. And also, though, if Aquaman was doing... Because he's sort of stuck between those two worlds of land and the sea.

Land and sea, yeah. And so if he was to try and do something, because he's Atlanteans, would be just like, fucking do something? Yeah, they would. They'd be like, do you know how hot it's getting in here? And if he goes to attack an oil rig or something, then it's kind of like, oh, I see where your loyalties lie. Aquaman.

Aquaman. I guess that's a problem for Aquaman is that he can't really, that's the reason he can't solve all the fishing Because then people will get mad at him And send him back to the sea that he hates Because everything's all wet I mean have you ever tried eating a wet fish? Nobody wants wet steak

No one wants wet steak I stand by the fact that wet steak is better than no steak Aquaman Atlanteans have never eaten a cow And that's a weird thought and on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson I've also been Joel

I remember my catchphrase listen here you dumb cunts listen here you dumb cunts buy it on a t-shirt Aquaman Cunts. Buy it on a t-shirt. Aquaman! If you think this show is worth at least a dollar,

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