Plumbing the Death Star - How Does the After Life Work in Pirates of the Caribbean? (Feat. Michael Williams and Adam)

Episode Date: January 1, 2017

In which our heroes receive the black spot, steal cursed aztec gold, and become king to a tribe of cannibals as we ask how does the afterlife work in the Pirates of the Caribbean universe? We try to seperate the heavens, wonder how zombies fit into it, and become overwhelmed with gods. Adam is mad at Davey Jones for not doing his job, Jackson thinks the afterlife must be physical and becomes afraid, and Michael just struggles to remember what those films were even about. So set sail for the open sea, drink way to much rum, and just hope to Calypso you don't die. Because, like, who knows where you'd end up.Want to hire a more competent ferryman? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can start canvassing hires.Everything is 20% off at https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.com and if you’re after a USB tape head to https://audiobooksontape.com or it’s a tee-shirt you’re after check out our store at https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradio. In Sydney in Feb? Why not come see us live! Book your tickets here; http://edgetix.com/.And if you find yourself with a spare 10 mins, help us out by filling in this survey; https://podcastsurvey.typeform.com/to/nRkFml. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sandspan's Radio, are you going skiing this weekend? If so, wear two pairs of socks, keep your toes cool. Hey everyone, got some good news and got some bad news. Good news is we're still coming up to Sydney in February with our good friend Adam for two nights. Details for all of that and where you can purchase tickets for one, either or both nights are in the show notes of this very episode. Bad news is, while we wanted to head up to Brisbane and Canberra at the

same time, we couldn't get any venues around the dates we wanted. But never fear, we are planning something a little bigger towards the middle of the year, so hopefully that all goes according to plan, and we'll be seeing some of your handsome faces very soon. Keep being amazing, and don't forget to check out our other shows, like D&D is for Nerds, or Super Gym Friends. Hey everybody, and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how does the afterlife work in Pirates of the Caribbean 1, 2, 3, and then on Stranger Tides? It doesn't. That's the answer. That was a short episode. Okay. So, so, so. Explain, elaborate, Adam. That's the answer. That was a short episode.

Okay. So, so, so. Explain, elaborate, Adam. Show me the goods. In the first movie, we can just regard that almost entirely because they don't reference it at all. There's the undead, but that's not really the same thing, right? Yeah, yeah. In the second one, we see Elizabeth, her dad, is in a boat, slowly sailing, obviously, to the afterlife, right?

Mm-hmm. But then, in the third one, where they rescue Jack... He's in a desert. He's in a desert, first off. There are no boats in here. There's no little boats there. Where's everyone else? Well, what I assume happens is that you sail your little boat.

Mm-hmm. Maybe you wash up at the shore. And then... And you get out? But where are the boats you wash up at the shore. And then you get out? But where are the boats that wash up? It's a heaven. It can be anything. It doesn't matter. If they have to travel there by boat,

fucking keep some consistency. What happens to the boats? Well, I don't know. I assume were those boats even going to the desert? Or is the desert that Jack arrives in some kind of specific hell for Jack Sparrow himself? Is that the idea?

Furthermore. So Davy Jones is supposed to deal with that. That's his job. He ferries souls to the afterlife or whatever. He ain't doing his job. What the fuck is happening there? He's doing his job. He ain't doing his job What the fuck is happening there He's doing his job He isn't

Isn't that the point He doesn't do his fucking job And people are pissed at him because of that He kind of does his job He gets people on the boat That's not the same thing That's not the same thing He and his crew are supposed to ferry people to the afterlife, but they don't do that.

He's running awry. But isn't it like he gets you, so you're in a ship crash. Yeah. Whatever they call that. Shipwreck. There it is. And you're standing, you're like, oh, I'm up against the bloody barrier. Yeah.

And Davy Jones comes up to you and he says, do you fear death? That's not what he's meant to do, though. What's he meant to do? He's meant to take your soul to the afterlife. Not make you one of the crew. Well, then what the fuck is the little boat? That's, you go into the afterlife. Davy Jones is supposed to take care of that shit.

Does he put you in a boat? Yeah, does he organize the little boats? He's supposed to organize that. Who the fuck's organizing? Who's picking up this slack? Because the queen of the sea or whatever is some fucking chick. She's a lot of crabs. She can't help anyone.

Who the fuck is picking up that slack? Well, I mean, I guess that just means that the afterlife in the Pirates of the Caribbean universe is like in disarray. It's got to be. Clearly it is because you got fucking ghost pirates over here. You got fucking zombies out the wazoo you know on stranger tides keith richards is still alive he's kicking it about you know death does not exist when keith richards is still alive so there's very funny i forget where who said it but someone said recently to me uh you know i'm getting to that point in my life where i'm getting a bit older and i'm

just worried about what sort of world we're going to leave behind for Keith Richards. That's great. It's a good line. So something that I've always been confused about is how do Elizabeth Swann and the gang get to the desert afterlife? So if they do that, they flip the world. Does that mean they are now in the afterlife?

Yeah, there's got to be it, right? Hmm. Ups or down. Ups or down, downs or ups. They sail. No, no, no, no. No, because they meet. There's people dying.

No, no. Shut up. All right. Because that's how they get out of the afterlife. But to get there, they sail to the end of the world. And on the way to the end of the world Who do they meet? They meet the dad

Who are Sure for now Also travelling to The end of the world But they're not going to where Jack Sparrow is Is my point Is not Jack Sparrow in some sort of Limbo afterlife thing?

But not the Is that what you're saying? Yeah I'm saying that he's not He's got his own personal hell Yeah it doesn't seem like he's in like But that's an afterlife It's a afterlife. Yeah.

Yeah, you travel to the end of the world and then you get into the afterlife. So they go into the afterlife. Yeah. They rescue Jack Sparrow and then bring him back. But when you go to the afterlife, how do you bring your body? Because Jack Sparrow brings his body. Yeah, well, that's why I'm confused about it. Because it's not like Jack Sparrow...

Everyone's bringing their body. The fuck is that? Does that imply that the afterlife is just a physical location in the world of Pirates of the Caribbean? Yep. Beyond the map's borders is literally heaven. Or... Heaven, hell, and everything in between.

Because I just became real fucking tired. Because... Jack Sparrow Can There's a lot of Remember, he licks a crab There's several Jack Sparrows At certain points Presumably that's just part of his hell though

But that comes into the real world So there's lots of Jack Sparrows on the On the boat, right? I've been on the ride. I can't remember any of this from the ride. All I remember from the ride is that it looked like a pig was giving head to a pirate. I've never been on the ride, so please.

And I remember just being like, No spoilers. What's that pig doing? So please explain to me what the ride says about death in the afterlife. It says that they don't tell no tales. Dead men tell no tales. Dead men tell no tales. That's it. Dead man tell no tales. Dead man tell no tales.

Is that the... No. Okay, let's go through, in all of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, all of the forms of afterlife. So, you either become a zombie from caking cursed gold. Is there another way to do it? What? In Pirates of the Caribbean.

Did they reference another way to do it? To become a zombie? Oh, you can become a sea person. Yeah, that's only if you're part of Davy Jones' crew, though. Part of the ship,ates of the Caribbean. Did they reference another way to do it? To what? Oh, you could become a sea person. Yeah, that's only if you're part of Davy Jones' crew, though. Part of the ship, part of the crew. I could always consider that type of afterlife. I suppose. Because they don't really explain what happens to Bootstrap Bill

once he becomes fully part of the ship. Yeah. Like that other lad does. His mind's gone. It's real sad. It is. Okay, so you could be a zombie pirate. You can be a zombie fish man.

Zombie fish man. You can be in a desert. Easily rescued. Easily rescued. Just go to the end of the world. You're fine. You can be in... Just on a boat sailing towards a nice afterlife, I guess.

Yeah. You can also be another kind of zombie that Blackbeard has in On Stranger Tides. Yeah, there are. There are thirds of different zombies. There are so many different. Plus, in the new film, they're ghost pirates. So you can be a ghost as well.

Wait, weren't mermaids once people? Oh, shit. Yeah, isn't that a thing? Mermaids were once people. Oh, man. They become mermaids Yeah It's fucked

The danger here is mixing What if you're a mermaid And you become part of the crew Yeah, exactly What would you guys choose of all the afterlives? I think part of the ship, part of the crew Because eventually you're just a boat Yeah, I like the taste of apples Is there anyone where you still get to eat apples? I think part of the shit part of the crew is eventually just a boat. That's alright. Yeah, I like the

taste of apples. Is there anyone where you still get to eat apples? I think they all sound pretty shit. Well, yeah, but... Yeah, that's afterlife. So, I take the one where you sail in the boats to an unknown place, because I don't know what that is. That could be nice. Comparatively. They seem slightly frightened, though.

The people on the boat, no, they seem alright. No, but remember, Elizabeth's dad is in the boat yeah it was like papa papa she's frightened i don't think he is he seems pretty calm what does he say is he just like it's fine i think he's like i think he's kind of calm about everything i think the fucking um what's he because he's in game of thrones as well who? Uh, Elizabeth's dad. Uh, he plays the High Sparrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The High Sparrow is very popular.

Oh my god, he does. Fuck. You just realized that. That's amazing. Yep. Any of these references landing for you. I know what a sparrow is. Ah, but we'll take it.

Close enough. I've been watching Friends reruns guys Come on Oh man Okay so when Chandler dies And goes to that place of sand Yeah right when Chandler's licking the crap He's like

Could this be any more of a crap? When Chandler's feeling very awkward About the entire sand process Guys there's more than other characters in Chandler Come on When Joey is in the boat and is assuring... I did just watch the one where Joey

is in the boat. There you go. There's a lot of illusions. No, isn't when Elizabeth Swann's dad is in the boat, doesn't he fall in? Doesn't someone fall in? No. What if you did? What if you did?

That's probably a Davy Jones problem. That's something Davy Jones should fix, but he doesn't because he's doing other shit. I think in the Pirates of the Caribbean world, the barrier between the ephemeral and the ethereal and the physical doesn't exist. Oh, yeah? You got something on your tongue. I got something I want to say, but you can finish your point. Because I think if, say, we're all on a pirate ship. Yarr. Oh yeah You got something on your tongue I got something I want to say But you didn't finish your point Because I think Say we're all on a pirate ship

Yar And Sail into the water And we see a boat Yar There we go Pirate city And we see

Zamet And he's died Oh sad But he's in a boat And he's heading For the afterlife I reckon if I got in that boat With Zamet

And took him off the boat I could just Go to the afterlife Oh right You could go to the afterlife. I reckon if I got in that boat with Zabit. And took him off the boat, he'd be fine. I could just go to the afterlife. Oh, right. You could go to the afterlife. But Elizabeth's dad seems very adamant that he can't get out of the boat. Well, I'll go with Zabit. That's fine.

Yeah. My point is, I think it's still a physical boat. Because I can go get fucking Jack Sparrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I reckon I could easily jump in that boat. Grab some podcasting equipment and keep going with this show. Yeah, exactly. So David Jones isn't running a tight ship. Not at all, really.

No, no, no. He doesn't run the afterlife. He's just like a ferryman, almost. Yeah, like the guy who brings you across the river sticks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just there to be like, hey, I'm taking... But what the fuck is his actual job?

That is. It's his job. But if that's his job, fucking Elizabeth's dad still ends up in a boat. just there to be like hey i'm taking but what the fuck is his actual job because that is no but if that's his job fucking elizabeth's dad still ends up in a boat so if david jones is picking up that slack yeah who is i don't know okay here's another point so if i die on land yeah how does david jones get to me he can't come online i'm sure there's another lad with a truck what if i die in a lake a lad with a lake there In a lake, there's a lake fellow. Ah, there's fellows everywhere then, apparently. Imagine, like, a guy with a truck, and it's like, instead of fish, it's like deer and cows.

If I drown... Part of the crew, yeah? Does he take the bodies? No, he doesn't. He can't, right? What do you mean? He can't take... Because Elizabeth's dad and stuff, they have their bodies.

No, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. What the fuck? So if you drown... So, okay, my point was going to be, say I drown in water. Yeah. And a lifeguard comes, saves me, takes me up on land, and is like, nope, he's died. David Jones just stands at the edge of the water like, damn it. Bring me the body back.

I can't walk on water. Bring him to me. Can't walk on land. Can't walk on land. Well, you can't walk on water. Bring him to me. Can't walk on land. Can't walk on land. Well, you can't walk on water either. It's not Jesus. What I was going to say is that David Jones

actually at no point physically takes anyone anywhere except onto his boat. Because he says, do you fear death? And if they say no, he kills them. But he doesn't do anything with the body. He just kills them, which means their soul must go into the boat. He just kills them, which means their soul must go into the boat.

Does that mean that? Well, what else does it mean? Where's that guy's soul gone? It's not going anywhere. That's the problem. He's not doing his job! Okay, what so what would he be doing if he was doing his job? Yeah, yeah, explain to me. Okay, where? I'm on a boat. Yeah. Yeah, the Zamas, I'm on a boat. Yeah.

Zamas crashed it, that's how he died. Yeah. I know, I've been lined up by Davy Jones. Davy Jones is like... What's he doing to me? Davy Jones somehow provides you with the necessary equipment or materials to go to the afterlife, and then he makes sure you get there.

So he's like, here's a boat, Jackson. Or maybe he keeps you there himself in his boat. I'm not'm not 100 sure because we have not seen him do his job well what does will turner do when will turner becomes the new davy jones presumably he does his job but we don't see that either he just has his crew though surely if getting them on your crew is illegal and not part of the davy jones experience by Meyer. The Davy Jones experience by Meyer. Will Turner should just be like, everyone can go to heaven now. Sorry.

You know? Which, yeah. Does heaven exist? Like the biblical heaven? But I think... Okay, so Davy... That's a big question. That's a big question for plumbing the nest.

And then later on, Will Turner are empowered by the god of the sea or whatever, that chick, right? That's how they get their power. That is confirmed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And part of that agreement is that one day a year, Will Turner can

step onto dry land. What was the point I was trying to make? I think a lot of this episode has just been us nutting out the exact specifics of all of the rules. Well, I was trying to make? I think a lot of this episode has just been us nutting out the exact specifics of all of the rules. Well, I was upset when you said disregard the first movie completely. That's the only one I damn remember. But it's not...

Nothing about the undead afterlife happens in that movie. That guy's eye falls out, the guy from The Office. That's true. Something weird about the first movie that I was always puzz yeah something weird about the first movie is that so there's the a couple of scenes where you know they're ghost pirates they're zombies and they get their arm cut off or they get stabbed because they're zombies ah it doesn't matter yeah and then when jack sparrow puts the last piece of cursed Aztec gold back in the treasure chest,

everybody who's got stabbed bleeds out and dies. I think this is just people who have just been hit. I think there's like a period because you're right, one person, Barbossa, gets shot before it happens and then Jack, not Jack, sorry, Will Turner, immediately drops it and he, you know, has been hurt. But then he comes back through voodoo magic. Yeah.

Man, the art of life is a mess. He's brought back by the sea guy. She's the queen of the sea. Although, fuck, no. Oh my God. Because he dies on land. So whoever the land guy is should have taken him away.

But the sea guy took him. For some reason, the sea chick can bring him back. So she's got to have some jurisdiction on the land. So then how does she get the souls to the after? It's a fucking mess, is what we're saying. But you're right. Like, anyone else on the crew fighting those soldiers at the end, they're only being stabbed after it's happened.

But Barbossa was shot beforehand. So that doesn't make sense. And also the two, the fella from the office and the little fat goblin lad. Yeah. Man, I hope he's not a listener.

Little fat goblin lad. If you are a listener, come on here and defend your title as not a little fat Goblin Lad against Jackson. Please do. I'm sorry, whatever your name is. But, I'm fairly sure they get attacked and shot.

But in the end, they're just fine. I don't know about that. Oh, no, they don't. In fact, at the end, they join the Navy. Yeah, they have a comedy scene. And then in the next movie, they're like, well, that didn't work out, and we're looking for God. Yeah, they're all about, like, God in the next movie. I don't know about that.

Something weird about Pirates of the Caribbean is, surely if you were Jack Sparrow in the gang, you would realise that anything could be true. Yeah. And, like, you would, like, turn to God, surely. Potentially, yeah. Also, like, if anyone died, you're like, ah, whatever. I'm just going to go to the wood and get them back. Ientially, yeah. Also, like, if anyone died, you're like, whatever. Gotta go to the wood and get them back.

I'm not seeing anything that, like, if I'm in the Pirates of the Caribbean world and I'm having those adventures, I'm like, well, the Bible says a lot of things, but none of what the Bible is saying I am seeing. There's definitely something going on, but I don't know. There are very few mentions of a kraken

in the Bible. Yeah. The Bible does not mention a sea goddess or Davy Jones at any point. I hope the new movie, the first 40 minutes, is just somebody sitting down explaining what the afterlife is. Someone's just like, fuck, I hope it was well. Listen up. Just a one shot of Johnny Depp not even in costume. Just as Johnny Depp going.

My bad. Shouldn't have brought the dog in. That's okay. I'm sorry about that. of Johnny Depp not even in costume just as Johnny Depp going my bad shouldn't have brought the dog in that's okay I'm sorry about that imagine if we killed his, did we kill his dogs? no we didn't kill his dogs fuck that would be good fuckface what's his name threatened it a bunch forget his name

oh me too the funny thing is the only thing I know about him is that I'm pretty sure he was just saying those things to seem relevant and i can't remember his name so it didn't work nice try dickhead yeah you are um but yeah surely that means death's just not permanent in the piracy it messes your brain up because jack sparrow comes out of the desert afterlife not great yeah and yeah no no that sounds about right. But for the most part, you're fine coming back. You want to get brought back by the Sea Witch.

Yeah, by most of the scenes, pretty sure. Yeah, he seems okay. What's her name? He's eating a fucking... Calypso, Calypso. Calypso. You want to be brought back

by Calypso if you want to be brought back by anybody, you know. What about ships in a bottle? I mean, it's not really the afterlife, but it's also an issue. In On Stranger Tides,

they take the Black Pearl and they put it in a bottle. That's right, they do. They just put a bunch of ships in a bottle. I haven't seen this movie. No, it's just black pearl and they put it in a bottle that's right they do yeah they just put a bunch of big bottle i haven't seen this no it's just a small like a ship in a bottle uh black so the smallest ship yeah blackbeard has keeps them as like magic i guess yeah prizes or treasures also i guess there are wizards yeah wait where does blackbeard get his magic i forget i think he just has it he gets it from someone no a weird thing about pirates of the caribbean and it's a topic for another episode but

how will the world develop to this point with all of that happening nothing right surely it's an alternative universe right but like i mean it's gonna continually develop, surely. Yeah. Like, how it developed to exactly this, but what the fuck does the future Pirates of the Caribbean world look like? Well, when Pirates of the Caribbean 14 comes out, and they're doing modern navies, yeah? Oh, man!

Modern navy being like, ah, we have instructions to a pirate treasure. It can only be found by those that have already found it. And everyone's like, this is ridiculous. Imagine, you know, I think it's in the second or the third one, where they've got the whirlpool and the two pirate ships are firing at each other. Imagine that, but with

modern navies. Fuck, that would be so good. So, two ships are fighting in a whirlpool. For those of you in the office and listening to this, do not know that song. I remember that bit. It was a good moment.

Yeah. Oh, wait. Davy Jones. Yeah. Can he materialize? Because he can move about. Yeah, he can kind of teleport. But can he just do that period?

Or can he do that through the medium of wood? Because if you can't do that on a... What? Doesn't he step that through the medium of wood? Because if you can't do that on a... What? Doesn't he step out of the ship? What if you couldn't do that on a button ship? What if you're running down the hall, you're like, fucking Davy Jones is coming, and then from a wall next to you, you hear...

I can't come through. I'll have to use the door. That's true, though. I mean, like, all of those pirate gods are just out of luck. Like, in the modern age, they just don't kind of function. Will Will Turner become a fish man? I think that's the question we really want to answer here.

Well, obviously. But is that part of the deal, or is that because Davy Jones fucked up his job? Oh, no, you're right. That's what I always say. Oh, no, you're right! Because at the end... They are all fish people because of that. That's what I always say. Oh, no, you're right! Because at the end... They are all fish people because of that. That's right. So at

the end, everybody becomes irregular people again. So that means that Will Turner, as long as he keeps up his bargain, he's fine. He's gonna be handsome lad Will Turner for the rest of his life. Orlando Bloom, gorgeous. Also, Davy Jones' one problem is that his heart has been taken out,

and that's his weak spot but Will Turner doesn't have that problem no no yes he does was his heart taken out? yeah that's how you

defeat Davy Jones you stab his heart put your heart in there never mind it's a deal anyway Davy Jones left his place he was just like

ah beach I guess that's a good place for my heart nah dropping the bottom of the ocean nobody can get there Mariana Trench

also if you drop it there then nobody can get there mariana trench also if you drop it there then you can teleport there because he can't go on land exactly also and it's just a final puzzle of the pirates of the caribbean universe irrelevant to the afterlife but still confusing in the new movie they're trying to find the uh trident of poseidon to control the sea the poseidon trident yep poseidon trident i just wanted to repeat that because it's fun to say greek gods greek gods greek gods are real zeus is about that's good that means there are multiple gods of the sea what is this it also means that there's the greek afterlife whose afterlife do you go to maybe it's like okay maybe it's like superannuation you get to pick

my question is Do you go to the afterlife of the god that you believe in Or the worship Or do Greek people just go to the Greek god Is it just like You're Greek so that's where you're at What if you're half Greek Then I assume you get to choose

Would you like to just go to the desert Maybe that's Dav Stevie Jones' job To tell you where you're going To help you figure it out He's like here's fucking your options Here's the pamphlets for the different afterlifes I'll give you about half an hour to look over them And then you can come to me and tell me where you're going

And maybe that's why he doesn't do his job Because pamphlets don't do well in water Then if he's not doing that job People are still going to the afterlife. That's managed separately. He's just your travel agent. Also, I'm fairly sure, thinking about it now, where Jack Sparrow went

must have been hell. Well, obviously. Yeah, because there's tons of Johnny Depp's there. Loads of Johnny Depp's and salty craps. Nobody wants that. I think we sorted that. Yeah, I think Nobody wants that. I think we sorted that. Yeah, I think we're good. I think we figured that out.

Go team. And on that note. Quick, ship this to Disney. Disney, don't worry. We fixed it. Ship this to Disney. In a crate on a ship. And I guess it themes well.

And on that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Adam. And I've been Michael Williams. Where can we find you, Michael? I do a podcast called Pop Quiz Hotshot. It's a movie trivia game show that I host in my lounge room. I also do another podcast called It's a Duck Blur where me and my wife watch every single episode of DuckTales. They're both mad.

Check them out. Cheers. All right. Bye. All right, bye.