Plumbing the Death Star - How Entertaining Would the Hunger Games be to Watch?

Episode Date: August 28, 2016

In which our heroes get chosen as tributes, enter the games, and then start a revolution as we ask would the Hunger Games be entertaining? We discuss other forms of entertainment in the Capitol, laugh at Peeta’s rock throwing abilities, and do the Katniss whistle. Duscher knows the names of all the character, Zammit has a learning experience, and Jackson just falls asleep in the lake but doesn’t drown. So set off the canons, watch the games at gunpoint, and bleed out of your mouth a little. Viva la boring revolution.Want to keep Jackson full of ham? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can fill his tummy goodIn Sydney and want to see the Plumbing Boys live? You can purchase your tickets right here https://www.trybooking.com/MQZP.And don’t forget to purchase your copy of Plumbing the Death Star Vol. 1 right now available at https://audiobooksontape.com/shop/plumbing-death-star-bonus/. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio sounding so true. slightly bigger venue depending on numbers. So just put your name on the waiting list and you'll be the first to know. The live show is all ages, nans are encouraged and hopefully we'll be seeing you in September. Now enjoy the show. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star where we ask the important questions like how entertaining would the Hunger Games actually be to watch i'd say not very i I would say terrible to watch. Like, the opposite of entertaining. Aside from the murder of children. Oh, yeah.

Is there a highlight reel? Well, that's what I want to know. Could I just watch the highlight reel at the end? You know in Big Brother where they're like, hey, it's live streaming, 24 hours a day, give a shit, but look, every Saturday or whatever, here's a highlight reel. These people fucked.

I'm like, good. Yeah. Well, in the film, yeah, there's highlight reels. Like, it shows when that bloke,ke You know the bloke with the good hair Good hair bloke? Good hair bloke What's his name though? I've got a stupid name

Mitra? Mitra No not Not Peter Peter No So we're talking Baker Boy?

No we're not talking Baker Boy Good at throwing rocks Cat flump flump flump I'm not talking about the contestant I'm talking about good hair bloke with the smiley teeth oh Tootsie

yeah yeah he's the like Plutarch whiz maker that is I think Plutarch is actually his name no

no Plutarch is okay look we're all very familiar with the Hunger Games but they've all got dumb as fuck names so we can't remember

nobody's gonna remember them Plutarch is he's any of them. Nobody's going to remember them. Plutarch is... He's one of them. Dead guy's name. Oh, American Beauty Man. No. No? Other dead guy.

Like, real life dead guy. Oh, old mate. Old mate loves heroin. Yeah. Heroin boy. Wow, okay. What the fuck's his name? I can't remember any name.

Man Witch? No. He won awards. He played- Capote. Fuck. He's such a real good actor. Real good actor, real round head.

I can picture his round face. Shaw Phillip. Seymour Hoffman. Seymour Hoffman. Oh, we got that. Anyway, I think his name's Plutarch. Someone's name's Plon but no the guy flickerman is stanley tucci fuck fuck you hunger games but if you were a hang on i'll make the point that i was trying to make before i forgot everyone's name ever ceasar is that what you said

his name was yes ceasar flickerman so yeah when ceasar's on stage and he's being like everyone the hunger games and then like it seems to be like live shows and like when he gets peter to talk about shit that's in the second and third film but yeah they show highlight reels so i'm assuming there would just be a death highlight reel but like because so say you're somebody in one of the districts one of the good districts like district 12 and one 12 is bullshit oh fuck district one one place rules i mean aside of the good districts, like District 12 and 1. No, 12's bullshit. Oh, fuck, District 1. That place rules. I mean, aside from the weird goo in the last one, but it's still

pretty good. If you're one of the people living there, you know, in your fancy pink plastic coats, what is the good of watching the Hunger Games? It's to see people die, right? Yeah. It's meant to support your tribute. You're watching people die, but you're also-

Because the big thing is that they want to, like, build up the relationship between- The capital. Petra Boy and Keflumple. Yeah, no, no, but that's in the specific Hunger Games. I mean, just, like, in general. Yeah, but- Countless. Yeah, but so each one will have a theme.

And so it's sort of like, remember- Hunger. Hunger. What's his name? Humlick Drc uh drunk boy yeah woody harris woody harris let's call him heimlich heimlich smokeweed time is a flat circle heimlich was being like hey you gotta coach him you gotta give the audience what they want and sometimes they make a little love plan yeah and, yeah. And so clearly in each Hunger Games-

So clearly they build narratives for the Hunger Games. But what I mean is like- So they look for- But in the movie, we get to see the highlights. That's the point of the movie. But in the reality, watching the Hunger Games is going to be a lot of people hiding in mud. That's not that good. In the books, the games-

Like in the movies, it makes it seem like the games only go for like one day and one night. But in the book, it's like 12. It's a long time. Ah, yes. That's why it's a The Hunger Games games only go for like one day and one night. But in the book, it's like 12. It's a long time. Ah, yes. That's why it's a The Hunger Games. Yeah. They usually die of starvation. Exactly.

So like, tell me that, you know, where do you watch it on, first of all? So, you watch it. They got TVs? You're meant to watch it to support your tribute. But also, the reason The Hunger Games are held is to build the relationships between the districts and the capital. Yeah. Because even though District 1 is the nicest one, the capital's even nicer.

Yeah, yeah. Which is where the weird goo is not district one oh yeah you fucked up everyone's writing angry emails but they've stopped because i corrected you thank you if anyone can stop writing the list of the characters district one don't you meet but yeah I know that's the point but if you're living in the capital you're not thinking that it's not like the fucking the capital's watching it because they're like peasants are dying and that's good

exactly but peasants die like one every like 12 hours that's 12 hours of footage yeah but it's a spectacle because look peasants dying look a peasant is dying But a peasant is getting stabbed with a trident Where fucking what's it face Arrows McPonytail Katniss McEverdeen

Is sleeping in a tree That's boring Yeah but Jack Big Brother right Big Brother is people arguing all the time Even when they're sleeping Yeah but they the time. Even when they're sleeping. Yeah, but they don't show it when they're sleeping. No, but they do.

If you went online. If you watch Big Brother up late. No, there's like a 24-hour live stream. That sounds dull as well. Yeah, exactly. I wouldn't watch it, but someone would. And like this, you could watch it 24 hours or you'd be like a highlight reel at the end of the day.

People could watch it. Is this the only form of entertainment? Of course not. It seems like the one that matters the most. Do sports exist? I mean, this would kind of be your sports. Blood sports. Blood sport?

It's their Olympics. It's held every four years. Is it? Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is actually. Yeah, I think so. It's not every year. No, it's not every year.

I think it's every four years. No, it can't be every four Dear Plumbing It's every year Because she's in one every fucking time She's in like She's brought back for the Hunger Games All Stars Quarter Quell guys

Read a fucking book Preferably fucking Hunger Games Catching Fire Because then you'd know Or Catching fire as it's known on the shelf whenever you were reading or watching like the first one and it was like this is the 49th hunger game you're like ah yeah okay the 50th yeah okay i see what this is going yeah i see where we're doing isn't it the 74th damn no i'm pretty sure it is sure yeah because it's a quarter quell oh no, that makes sense.

Because if it was the 50th, I'd be like, this is the half. What I wonder, right, is so this is the, whatever, the 74th. Yep. And the first one is like they bring out the dogs, evil bees. Yep. It's full on. Tracker jacks. What was the first one?

Probably just four blokes in a hole with some paddles. Twelve blokes in a hole with some paddles. Twelve blokes and they're like, here's some sharp sticks. And somebody's got a camcorder. Twenty-four blokes in a paddle. Why twenty-four blokes? Because there's two from every district. Oh yeah, two from every district. That's true.

No, but they pick a boy and a girl, don't they? Every district. Yeah. I guess everyone's a bloke in my eyes. Disha doesn't see gender. Only blokes. He only sees one gender. So yeah, it would be...

So it's 12 districts initially, and then District 12 fucked off. No, there was... District 13 fucked off. Oh, wait, no, hang on. 26... Wait, hang on. Dear Plumbing the Dabstock,

I've had it up to here. District 13 was destroyed because they were the first district to try and rebel. But there's still people living there. But they were built underground. It's a sneaky district. I know that. I'm saying, were they ever in a Hunger Game? Pretend probably.

It's the 74th. So if they were the first uprising, when was the uprising? Was the uprising on day one? Or was the uprising on year 25? No, because the uprising... The Hunger Games started because there was an uprising, but I think District 13 might have got destroyed in that uprising, which led to the creation of the Hunger Games.

Gotcha. So the Hunger Games was there to be like, see what happened to District 13, you dickheads. We'll get you again. And they did. They did get them again. They bombed real good. Little mute boys sing. He sings a song.

No, he gets Katniss to sing a song. And then everyone's dead. Those things are not... Is that like that made it happen? It's like a song everyone blow up the end. Don't sing, Katniss. You got powers. Something about the hanging tree.

So there'd be 24 boys and girls. With some sticks. With some sticks and paddles. And that would be sort of the first Hunger Games, I guess. And Kiefer Sutherland, the other Sutherland, not Kiefer, whatever. No, he wouldn't be alive for then, would he? Or how old is he in this one?

I don't know, he's dying. President's Day, he's like, 74 Hunger Games, so I don't think he'd be alive unless he is one. If they happen once a year. You know what? I'm almost 100% certain that they mentioned that there was someone before President Snow. Yeah, I think there was. Was he eating people?

I stopped reading and watching the third Friday. That's a good thing to reveal. No, because like... Was he ever revealed as a cannibal? Because you can't have him blood in his mouth. No, he was poisoned back in the day. And it fucked him good. And he always ble blood in his mouth. No, he was poisoned back in the day. And it fucked him good. And he always bleeds from his mouth.

All right. Yeah. So actually, kind of. When he was killed, he used to kill people with poison in their drink. Okay. And the only way to not get caught out was to also drink poison. But then he drank the antidote. But then he had blood ulcers in his mouth.

Sneaky. And that's why he always has the rose in his thing, because the perfume of that disguises the blood on his mouth. So I was always thinking, is he a vampire? No. But he wasn't. I mean, I wish. He was just poisoning himself to get everyone else good.

How do I watch The Hunger Games? Say I'm living in the capital. Jipnik. Flum. All right, Jipnik flum alright Jipnik flum and I'm living my pleasant capital life with a fucking hat four stories tall

and like two flowers on my titties and I'm like oh the Hunger Games is on my favourite time of year what now? what's my next move? you can go down to the stadium

where they broadcast live from at first when you can watch everyone ride in on horses and shit and then Katniss will do a little dance and be on fire and you'll be like, shit, that girl's on fire. Somebody put her out. Oh, my God. She's good.

It's just a little stunt. That's clever. It's a prank. Got to be good. So you can watch that. You can go down to that and just get a monster. Then they get up on stage. And then you're still watching because you're still in the hall. Unless you've got real shit can go down to that Then they get up on stage And you're still watching because you're still in the hall

Unless you've got real shit seats right down the back No I've got good ones He's a wealthy man Anyway Was it Jack Flap Flum or some shit Something Flum And then Katniss goes up on stage

She's like yes I'm Katniss goes on stage She's like Yes I'm Katniss Oh my god This is rough I'm gonna die And I'm like Then they go off To fight the Hunger Games

What's next? How do I watch it now? There's a giant screen In that room Is that the only place I can watch it? No That sounds garbage

You have TVs They have TVs You see them Because when they're Hiding out in the last one They're watching the TV And they're like Oh shit

So what's on the TV? I go home I'm like Man I'm excited For this Hunger Games Go home Click What's happening? man, I'm excited for this Hunger Games. Go home, click, what's happening? Is there multiple channels of the same Hunger Games? Yeah, can I watch multiple people or is it like, can I be like, I just wanna watch District 1? He's the one static image. And I'm like, gee, I hope somebody walks by.

Well, as the person who I guess has just been appointed as the man who is running the Hunger Games, Yes. I believe, yes, it would be similar to Big Brother 24-7, which is not a show that I just made up for today's episode. Like when you watch Big Brother 24-7 on six different channels. Yep.

Yeah, okay. So, yeah, it's a live stream, six different channels, every camera is a thing. So, like, but then it'd also be like, I guess, a highlights channel. Oh, okay. See, I'm just, a highlights channel. Oh, okay.

See, I'm just watching the highlights channel. Yeah, I would always watch the highlight channel. But it would be a day late, or at least a delay on the highlight channel. But here's the thing. I guess with the Hunger Games, you choose a favorite. Except when I'm making dogs. Then I'm very magic. Then you can turn a person into a dog.

That's fucked. And they'll be like, bark, bark, bark. You killed me. Dang. I'm through. But when I'm watching it, you choose a favorite eventually and just watch their channel. Surely that's the way you do it. You've got 24 channels.

Each one is for a different- If you just got, say- Hungary. Actually, that's clever. Where's the camera? I'm in. Cameras are flying. The camera's are flying?

It's a drone. Is it always there? Is it always watching? Are you always being like, that's sick? Yeah, I guess. Surely there's 24 drones and- 24 drones, one for each person. Because you would watching? Are you always being like, that's sick? Yeah, I guess. Surely there's 24 drones and- 24 drones, one for each person, because you would- Well, you'd want more than that.

Wait, no, there's not one for each person, because then people can't hide, because Peter's like, I'm a log now. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Because you'd be like, where's Peter? Oh, that drone is just hovering above that log. But maybe the drones are invisible. They can make invisible walls.

Fuck, they can do whatever they like. It's the Hunger Games. Yeah. Fuck's sake. But how boring, if you're watching Peter do whatever they like. It's the Hunger Games. But how boring if you're watching Peter and you're like, it's been about maybe three hours of him just lying there. So, boys,

is magic on the table? Ah! And that's the official answer. Technology is so advanced it looks like magic, I guess. You can make dogmen. Okay, so if we can make dogmen, can we make invisible cameras? Yeah, we can say we can make cameras that can't be seen by the Hunger Gamies. I feel like...

I'm pretty sure we see cameras in the films. Okay. Where? I feel like there's... I don't know if I'm remembering the Hunger Games or if I'm remembering The Empire Strikes Back with the little droid. I don't remember any flying... The only flying things I remember in the Hunger Games

are the little dealies bringing the tributes. Oh, no, wait. I'm thinking of the cameras that they use to film Katniss. Yeah, that's what it is. But they're probably similar. There's got to be cameras, even if they're like a whole tree is a sneaky camera. Yeah, exactly.

You know what I mean? Those leaves look like camera lenses. And they are. Because, again, when you're watching it, if you're Flum, and I'm your good friend Jackal Pip. Yeah. Flum and Jackal Pip. And I'm like, I'm going to bet on Tribute District 2.

And you're like, ah, District 1. So I'm like, whoa, no, no, no. District 2 are doing something all sick, and there's a love story there. Send them flowers and water. Yeah. And a gun. That's how you get them. That's how you get them. two are doing something all sick and there's a love story there send them flowers and water yeah and a gun good that's how you get them that's how you get them and then you'll be like and seven swords yeah and so we need to be watching them up to date because it happens instantly so katnniss and Peter are like

Kiss boy. Bo McKee is like gotta make it look like we're in love and she's like oh go for a kiss and then she gets a package full of cranberries and salt. Yeah exactly. I need to kiss more boys. More cranberries. So it must be a one to one

I must be able to do it instantly somehow. Yeah because even when Katniss is... I always imagine like a TAB. You go there and there's all these different screens there so you can kind of make bets and odds and shit happening because that would be a huge aspect of it. But how do I... So I'm like, I want to send cranberries and swords.

Do I have to come to the TAB, the betting station equivalent, with my basket, put it down and be like, I'd like this sent to Katniss. Well, no. Maybe. Or is that just for the elite who have the skyboxes? Yeah, it would have to be.

Well, isn't it like you sponsor someone? Yeah. Like, you know in AFL, you have the sort of like, that's the good present box and shit. A lot of references for our non-Australian listeners to have a shit one on.

Because I'm not explaining them. Well, I'm sure every sporting place would have the manager's box and you'd have the VIP box. That isn't the thing I would think that I would struggle with what are they called? something box that box

I can't remember what else I'm guessing only the absolute top echelon of the elite can give them and send them the stuff but if you're like you're flum and you're not up there I like them I'm just going to bet $20 and then you give them $20 and send them the stuff. But if you're like, you're flum and you're not up there and being like,

I like them. I'm just going to bet $20. And then you give them $20. And then the person who is like, they get the $20 to then spend on their tribute. I'm guessing. Or does Hamish, does he the one?

We remember his name now. But I think because it's not Hamish, I think it's Hamish. Hamish? Because I'm pretty sure it's a C-H, not an S. Hamish I think it's Hamish Hamish? Because there's a I'm pretty sure it's a C-H Not an S Hamitch

Yeah Hamitch Hey Mitch Yeah Or is he the one Dedicating like Oh I got money So I can dedicate

Which one's Hamitch? Woody Harrelson Oh Woody Harrelson No Woody Harrelson's like a He's like a coach Yeah I'm not Sorry it's H-A-Y-M-I-T-C-H

Good Hey Mitch It's literally Hey Mitch Hey Mitch Hey Mitch Coach? Yeah. I'm not. Sorry, it's H-A-Y-M-I-T-C-H. Good. Hey, it's literally Hey Mitch. Hey Mitch. Hey Mitch. G'day. My name's Hey Mitch. How you doing? You're one of those Hunger Games blokes.

He's the one who's the sponsor. No, he's not the sponsor. He's the coach. But he's the one that tries to get sponsors. Oh, that's true. Yeah, that's true. So I'm guessing he'd be the one being like, hey, look at our boys. They need some cranberries and swords.

Send them their way, please. So is The Hunger Games kind of only entertaining if you yourself are almost participating in that style? Well, I feel like I'd get... The reason I think The Hunger Games wouldn't be entertaining is that I think after a while, you'd get so bored. You'd be like, it's the same shit. But you're the wealthy elite. And you're being like, oh, this is the best. Look at my cranberries. And then as someone who is not quite that're being like, oh, this is the best. Look at my cranberries.

And then as someone who is not quite that, being like, oh, fuck, the rich love it, so I want to do that. And if you look in history, a lot of the stuff that just happens to rich people, then plebs start doing it. I think it was like cholera or shit like that where it was just like there's some kind of like fucked up disease that only the rich and wealthy are getting. So a lot of people just faked it to be like, yes, I have syphilis. Look how rich and wealthy I am.

Is it like, because if you're like one of the shit districts, say you're district like 12. Yeah. And you're like seeing your people go in and eat shit. And from memory, the way you watch the Hunger Games in the district is on a big screen in the middle of town. Like those people don't seem happy. It doesn't seem like they're getting in on it. Because they're always getting shit on and it's kind of like our district is going to be the first.

You enjoy it more the better your district. It comes down to I think personal enjoyment versus community enjoyment. So in district one you're like, ah whatever bet on everything, pour gravy on me good. And the 12th district, you're like, if she wins or if he wins,

fuck, our lives are going to be better next year. I don't think they get anything. No, in fact, their lives are worse. Yeah. I thought it was like, hopefully... No, no, no, it's like Katniss gets good shit. I thought everyone gets good shit. No.

They get blown up, remember? No, but that was because she starts a fucking finger salute. Hamish won. Remember? Hamish won. Remember? Hamish won. And District 12, when we see it, is still dog shit. Yeah, no, no, they don't get shit. I thought they get like a bounty or something, at least.

No, no, no, it's like the winner does. And you get the goodness of winning. I get Katniss, but I'm pretty sure- No, but I mean like Katniss, think about Katniss before she's like the mockingjay. She's sitting under a tree having a shit one and Peter's like, have some bread, you filthy animal. Yeah, so like... No, I get that, but I'm sure, like, isn't it for, like, they get at least a little bit of a something?

A little bit of a something-something? I'll double-check, though. Because that's why you'd want to rally behind... Because of all of the angry emails we're definitely going to get. Because I'm pretty sure that would be why you would participate without an uprising. No, you're forced to. I know you're forced to, but, like...

Well, you participate without an uprising because you don't want to die. Yeah, I know. But the thing is, like, when you're oppressing a people, you kind of want hope. Yeah. So, I mean. No, but then the whole thing with Katniss is, like, she gives the lower districts hope and they hate it because they're trying to crush it.

But it's kind of like you give them hope, but you also get, like, a couple loaves of bread or some shit. I would be doing that if I wasn't. President Stowe's not your dickhead. You give him a little bit of bread. You win, you do a victory tour. Yeah. Trying to find where the fuck is Nick.

Don't show me all of the fucking ones with their stupid names. Hang on. Fucking garbage. This is the Hunger Games. Reaping, yeah. Mentoring tokens. I'm with your sponsors. Good.

Cornucopia bloodbath Yeah Feast quarter quails Mm-hmm Mm-hmm Sick I'd find what you get Here we go Yahoo answers

Got my back They're crowned by President Snow They receive money Yeah Prestige Yeah A house to live in Yeah

Monthly food That's good A victor's plaque Ah The end Nothing else? Nope Wow Huh Prestige. Yeah. A house to live in. Yeah. Monthly food. That's good. A victor's plot. Ah. The end. Nothing else? Nope.

Wow. Huh. I always assumed that the district got like a something. No. See, Joel Zalman, if you'd read the books or seen the film. Oh, I angrily saw that film. No, first two are right. First three are right.

Last one's garbage. Last one's dog shit. First one's bad. Second one, good. Third one, worse than the second one. Not as bad as the's garbage. Last one's dog shit. First one's bad. Second one, good. Third one, worse than the second one. Not as bad as the first one. Fourth one... Dog shit. Yeah.

I went to those midnight screenings and didn't even have to record an episode. Why'd you do that? Do you hate yourself? I want to say girls. But you only see blokes. I'm confused. Blokes, probably.

Blokes got you good. Actually, blokes did get me good. I went to every Hunger Games midnight screening. All of them. Why? You fucking idiot. The dumbest bloke of all. Yep. Alright, so wow, okay. So yeah, if you've got people

going in, you get nothing as a district. Why would you give a shit? Why would you give a shit? I would be watching it. Your cousin's gonna die oh well sorry anthony yeah riders in the hunger games get out of there hey you didn't say brother no i don't want your answer it would be oh well sorry jess why did rider go in did he want to no he got picked don't you put up your hand?

no you get picked but then if you were like nah Ryder you stay I'll go then you're in the 100 can I be like can we both go?

excuse me sir I'd like to go as well not in place of like Katniss did that one time you do know that if you go one of you will have to die on the rare off chance

we're a team no no no no no no we hate that we want to win together if you go, one of you will have to die. We're a team. No, no, no. We want to win together. No. It's new, it's innovative. Guards, please shoot him in the head. Sir!

Bang! Pappered with the bullets. I was like, Jackson, you're a fucking idiot. You shouldn't have said that. It's your way of coping is to die. I, well, if he'd said both come, that would have been alright.

Go on then, mate. You grab your bag too. Yes, yes. I mean, grab your dad and your mum. Go on. Whole family.

It's like the fucking thing closing on the helicopter. I'm like, oh, shit. Fuck, right. You're a fucking idiot yeah now both the bailey boys are dead because you're not winning there's no chance you're winning oh i guess what i always wanted like with the hugger games like you know when they go in the room and they're like okay so each of you clearly just has a talent luckily

what would my and they're like here's all the weapons I'd be like maybe I'm good at swords got your own finger off help help help be like I can run pretty fast it's like just don't do you have any talents whatsoever no I'm a sweaty, a bit fat boy. What can you give me? I can shoot a gun. A gun. I'm sorry, I lied. I like ham. Please give me ham.

I will challenge you to ham eating contest. Ryder's like, I'm like a real nature boy. I can hide. I got all these skills. Jackson Bell, eat ham. Middle of the Hunger Games, you know, they got the cornucopia in the middle. I'm just these skills. Jackson Bell, eat ham. Middle of the Hunger Games, you know they got the cornucopia in the middle? Just going in being like,

yeah, good. Shot dead again. Maybe everybody will just take pity on me. Just keep saying, I'm a man who can't die. And then when you just die in the Hunger Games, they're like, wow. I'm invincible, mate.

What are your skills? You can't die? Got any equipment for that? Didn't think so. Maybe some bloody shorts and a singlet. I'll be right. Some thongs. I'm good. Give me some singlet thongs.

Some ham. I'm your man. Trident through the chest. The moment of boom. Boom as a cannon goes off and they show my dumb face on the screen. And everyone's like, nobody wanted him in his Hunger Games. Nobody at any point was betting for him.

That interview with fucking Teethy McTeeth Teeth at the start, he'd be like, so you two are going in as a team? I'd be like, yes. I'd be like, hmm. If he dies, do I instantly get disqualified and get to go home because that's all right that's because i can make that happen right now i'll stab him with a trident right as the one who kills you all right come on come on man

boom jackson bailey lasted five seconds Come on, man. Jackson Bailey lasted five seconds. He'd be like, whatever you do, don't step off before the platform with a bomb and glove. Yeah, yeah, I got it. Oh, look, what's that hand? I hear you. Shut up. It'd be funny if you just fall off.

Fall off, land in the water, everyone fights, everyone dies, I get up, win off. What happened, did I win? Fuck, I fell asleep and nearly drowned. Steve Bradbury. Huh? Steve Bradbury. Jackson Valley Hunger Games winner by default. Fell asleep in a lake.

Fell asleep in a lake. Drowned a bit. But not enough. Just trip. Fucking someone's aiming you the bow. They fucking saw over you. Get someone else like Mr. Magooit the whole time. Fuck, you know how they're like Katniss, girl on fire.

Jackson, the boy who drowned a bit but not enough. Fucking chariots all wet. Tell us, Jackson, what was your strategy? Huh? I fell in the lake when the bell went off and I fell asleep in the lake and I drowned. My face was in the mud, which there must have been an air fog because I didn't die. Then I woke up like two days later, somehow, and everyone... I was a sleepy boy.

Everyone was dead. Everyone assumed I was dead. Like, they told me that my face, my big dumb face on the screen. Oh, boom. But that was good. But then I wasn't. I told them my special ability

was that I can't die. Here I am. Here I am. What do you think of that, dick face? How's this for a revolution? Give everyone the finger. Fuck you, cunts! Take my balls out live on TV.

Okay, we'll cancel the Hunger Games. That's fair. Nobody wants this. That's very entertaining. I'd watch that one. Jackson Bailey fucking goofs his way through the Hunger Games. Gets his balls out. The Capitol can way through the Hunger Games gets his balls out the capital

cancels the Hunger Games President Snow's like yeah nah okay maybe we'll rest it this year it just never comes back have a break

see how we do it's the Australian big brother yeah exactly look someone's been turkey slapped we'll just give it a break for a bit

give it a bit see how you feel in like four years and then bring it back and we still don't want it fair enough we'll retire give it a break for a bit give it a bit see how you feel in like four years and then bring it back and we still don't want it oh don't worry about it uh yeah so i mean that aside so that aside uh i think if you're watching it from like district 12 i don't know how is it telling you to be because usually district 11 like eight onwards they're the first to die so do you have to watch because there's guards's guards there, do they force you to watch it?

I was wondering that, say nobody I cared about got in there like Jimmy Smith's the baker's boy who I never met Jimmy Smith's the actor? Bail Organa which is a name that wouldn't be out of place in the argument

Jimmy Smith's or Bail Organa? Bail Organa but say we all live in District 12 be like yeah out of place yeah jimmy smith's or bail or go bail or go you'd be like oh yeah there's that boy bail or go but say say we all live in district 12 yeah and we we're like fucking brick layers or whatever and we just lay bricks on the other side of town we don't really we got our own friends we don't really know the people who get chosen we're there at the day we're like oh i don't want to get chosen i want to go up katniss peter and we're like i don't i think i spoke to him once we then have to watch them like i that's i reckon we're like, I think I spoke to him once.

Do we then have to watch them? I reckon we're forced to. Now that I think about it, because there's guards and shit. We'd be like, you know. They're standing in the rain at one point. Yeah, that's true. You wouldn't do it. But you might just be like, I want our girl to win.

It could just be like, you're tragic. Because District 12 has the whole small town thing where everyone seems to be mates and everyone's sad that anyone got chosen. Yeah, true. So you might just be like the solidarity of the town you're like no no no like how people watch the olympics but no one really likes the olympics it's just culture oh it's that kind of thing where like you don't care about your country until the olympics is happening then you're like fuck yeah we won yeah i suppose you're like fuck yeah district 12 or like even like the afl grand final where where people who don't usually watch sport will just watch it. Might just go, yeah, might just say, yeah, I guess so.

But why are the guards there then? So that if people put their three fingers up, they get shot good. Oh, yeah, true. Why don't you give them one finger? The middle one. That's mine. That's fine, I guess. Full of revolution.

Accidentally out my arse. Jackson, the other face Full of revolution. Accidentally out my arse. Jackson, you're the face of the revolution. What? Your balls are the face of the revolution. When you got your balls out on TV, District 11 rioted and now they win. They shouldn't have. The Capitol's alright.

Yeah, that's good. This boy gives me ham. I got so much ham from winning. So many blokes and so many ham. It's alright. Look at the fucking widespread oppression. And you're like, huh?

I was eating my ham. What am I looking at? I must have missed it. Was I asleep in a lake again? I got a problem with that. Did you see the Hunger Games? That's how I won. Jackson, you're here because... What?

We'll get someone new. Yeah, I guess they're forcing everyone, so it'd be not that entertaining. And I guess from a logistics standpoint, there's going to have to be cameras everywhere. Oh, for sure. And they'd have to be... What's his name?

Plastic Bag Boy. Him controlling the Hunger Games, being like, send them dogs there and raise that platform He's also got someone else behind him Being like alright we want to zoom in on camera one Yeah that's true there's got to be like a director of the Hunger Games Which is kind of cool There is a director of the Hunger Games

It's the same guy that we choose names So Plastic Bag Boy? Nah the other one Which one? The dead one No he's not the director Yeah he is He's not the film director Yeah he is He's the director of the Hunger Games one no he's not the director yeah he is he's not the film director

yeah he is the director he's the director of the Hunger Games and then he rebels at the end he's like he pulls a fucking snape

yeah yeah yeah my bad my bad true but he just doesn't appear until maybe there's a different director in the first one

and then he pops up and catches fire it's an interesting thing because there would have to be and something I was thinking about just then and I guess this is what the highlight reel is for

say you've been following like Prue the whole time or whatever. Not Prue, somebody. You're following somebody. And then like just like a fucking trap gets them. And they're like, whoa, I missed that. Like that sucks. If you've been watching the whole time,

then somebody just dies in a trap and you've got to fucking find them on the highlight reel. But I guess maybe when the canon goes off, you get to see, oh, the highlights of this person. Also, I'm sure there'd be like a YouTube equivalent where you could just search for like... Yeah, that's true. Best of Hunger Games 2013.

Prude death. Sad. Prude death, sad, tears. What about the fact that... Except a shitty montage movie. Yes. Oh, fuck. Prude death, Smallville theme.

But like, also, another thing that I think Would make The Hunger Games Real boring Is that it's the same Fucking shit every time No that's the point It's not It changes

That's why they get The director The basic idea doesn't change No but that's why They get the director I would be so bored After the fifth one Well

Cause like it's the same With Big Brother They're like oh it's A new Big Brother But you're like It's the same It's the same Yeah you'd get tired

But then like you know People are still like you know like murder, kids' murder. That's kind of rad. I would get bored of kid murder. I guess you kind of would. After enough, it's 74 years of kid murder. If it's happening once a year. And if it's happening once every four years.

Let's use Big Brother as an example again, because one of my housemates that's not Aaron is obsessed with it, so I have a pretty deep knowledge. Oh, really? Yeah, like crazy. Yeah, Ryder loves it as well. Every time it's on, Ryder gets full on. But not the Australian one.

UK one. UK one and the Canadian one are her favorites. All right. But yeah, pretty much what they do is they'll put different dynamics in there on purpose. So stuff like, usually with Big Brother, the winners are pretty sneaky and like yeah yeah um 2014 was fucking awesome the australian one tim yeah tim yeah just like straight up sociopath oh yeah he he did exactly the same thing because he got put in the canadian one yeah oh really and he came third but he only came third because he just decided he didn't want to win because his say actually tim is a good example

so tim 2014 is a strange big brother dude he was just a sociopath and he was just like all right if i just do this i this can't blow up in my face but it means that he just had pretty much planned his whole journey he would just sew the sea he's like i need to get this person out explain this to me what happened tell me the story of tim so his kind of whole strategy was that he was like okay this person's a threat to me. I need to get them out of the house. So then he would go up and he'd chat to the right people, say the right thing so that everybody suddenly hated this person

and bam, they voted out. But he wouldn't do anything that he wouldn't be like, hey, this person's a piece of shit. He'd be like, hey. Who left the blah blah open or something. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stuff like that.

Knowing full well that he knew who it was. And it'd be like the week before, they're fucking best mates. Week after, fucking... It was amazing to watch. And about halfway through the Australian one, here's probably an example of a massive play he did. There was a couple in there, and they'd got together in the show. And Tim had pretty much been like, I like this girl also.

But it hadn't been like a creep about it, but it'd been enough about it so that the dude was like the fuck Yeah, let's go bro Yeah And then he looks like a con for starting a fight the girl then picked Tim to go into like the winners room with him Just to be like we're like friends and stuff like that Like this can't go any further and he pretty much played like the sad boy card, but only for like two weeks So the other dude looked like a piece of shit because they're like stop being mean to him like he can't help who he likes Even though he had no interest in this girl whatsoever.

It's fucking, oh, it was so good to watch. And yeah, in the Canadian one, what happened is that like, yeah, he did exactly the same thing and he got to the final four and he was like, you know what, I just can't be fucked. And then it just got to a thing and he was like, ah, because the Canadian one is different. There's like actual games and challenges.

Oh, really? A head of household and stuff like that. So like if you win this event, then you're in charge. You get to put up, and all the nominations and evictions are done in-house rather than getting the public to vote. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So pretty much he figured out exactly which weeks

to win head of household, which weeks to get like the power of veto, which is when you can be like, oh, I got nominated, but I'm going to take myself down and put someone else else up so that like you can win certain weeks so that you don't seem like a threat you just seem like you're doing it to survive yeah yeah yeah did that got to the final four and then there's like a quiz at the end and he just didn't study because he was like fuck it i'm done i've won one before what else it was amazing so i guess if you had like

tim level bullshit happening because i guess other big brothers have happened and I just haven't cared. Oh yeah, the one I was going to talk about before you mentioned Tim was there was these two dudes that just went in and usually people like have secret alliances. Yeah. These guys are like, we're called Chill Town now.

My name's Mike, his name's Boogie. We're going to have a fucking sick time and we're just going to be so brazen about it. They used to go into the diary room together. That's the best. Like just be like like but it wouldn't even be like they wouldn't even be like oh yeah so here's a plan like anyway so i fucking just did this to this girl and now she's all sad and now mike's gonna go in and talk to her and we're gonna be fucking on fucking we're gonna win that's the best yeah fuck that's good oh they one of them got evicted. So they just played the whole thing, good cop, bad cop? Oh, no, it was mostly just like dickhead, dickhead.

All right. Yeah, like the diary room things were like stupid because they used to pretend to call each other on the phone even though they're sitting next to each other. That's good. And then they'd be like, anyway, so we did this to this person and someone called the electricity department because she's in the dark they'd be like anyway so uh we did this to this person and uh someone called the electricity department because she's in the dark just stuff like that and then they just like

used to just laugh and just so much laughing that sounds amazing yeah but the difference there is that the big brother and the hunger games are very different games so you're not going to get that kind of like awesome manipulation happening you're just going to get good moods well that's true i mean like the peter and Katniss thing, that was an example of manipulation and something that the Hunger Games hadn't seen for a couple of years, which is why everyone was like, let them live, because remember at the end

they were like, alright, mad game, one of you kill the other, and they're like, we're both going to die, and they're like, this is some Romeo and Juliet bullshit. They should have just let them both die. Yeah, and then it should have been like, good Hunger Games. Yeah, I was like, that was mad. Remember that time where there was no winner? But what else?

That were repressed as shit. So let's, imagining we're the director of the upcoming four Hunger Games. The upcoming four. Yeah. We've got to come up with a hook for each one, right? Because I'm struggling to think of others more than like two people are in love, two people are enemies. As a director, I'd be like... Brother and sister?

Because you kind of want to do... It's all like... It's random. No, you can't. Oh. Come on. I forgot we are oppressing them. No, sure.

Yeah, random. You're always forgetting that we're oppressing those other guys. Am I an idiot? Yes. Also, at one point, I would make sure that I picked really young people from District 1 and 2, like 12-year-olds. Oh, yeah. And then get District 11 and 12 having adults, like 17, 18-year-olds. Because then the disadvantage of them also, like, you're, like, cheering for the kids.

Plus, District 1 and 2 are the ones that train up. Yeah, exactly. So they'd be, like, buff 12-year-olds. Man. We don't run up. So I'm just thinking theme wise but it'd be like an ice lava theme

yeah yeah but I mean like what's the story but there's no that's the thing I think it's a lot of improv actually I just realised district 1 and 2

train people and then they don't get randomly drawn they nominate themselves yeah that's true so they pick they're like I'm gonna be in the Hunger Games

this year so you can't have your 12 year olds sorry I mean you could ban that I hear

or you could just be like hey district 1 we're on good terms choose 12 year olds it's going to work real good for this thing

I'm planning yeah I think you can't you can't pick the theme of your Hunger Games I'm pretty sure

at the start when Katniss and Peter are there aren't they like alright we gotta sow this narrative? Isn't there that discussion before the Hunger Games start?

They are having that, but as a director, you have no input in that. Oh, yeah, yeah. I guess it's about what you choose to... The director can choose who to die, though. That's true. Who to kill, I should say. But I guess you're right. There's a lot of improvisation there, isn't there?

Well, what do you want? Say you're like a coach. What do you want out of your... Well, I guess there is no entertainment Going back from what you were asking before There's no entertainment because otherwise I'd be like I don't give a shit about this This is like bullshit whereas I can go and watch a film

Yeah like if I could just like chuck on cheers Or whatever I'd do that You know see what Norm's up to Instead of the Hunger Games Yeah I guess you'd have to for this Hunger Games to be as big as it is in this particular world, there almost has to be no other forms of media.

And plus, if it's mandatory, like it seems to be in the other districts, then that's why it's so popular. That's a good way to get viewers. Yeah. I just force the viewers. It's kind of replaced, if you look at the Pokemon universe,

how everything is just Pokemon, it's the same thing. Everything is Hunger Games. Because look at Smiley McGee. His whole s. Everything is the Hunger Games. It's the same thing. Everything is Hunger Games. Because look at Smiley McGee. His whole shtick is about Hunger Games. That's true. He must get one paycheck. If you think about four, like...

If you think in a year, right? Yeah. So how long is a Hunger Game, right? All right. Well, okay. So let's say a Hunger Game takes the place over like 12 weeks, right? Okay. Let's just say at the maximum it's 12 weeks.

All right. So you got three months is a Hunger Games. Yep. All right. So you've got the building of the Hunger Games. Yeah. You've got the preamble. You've got like all this bullshit that goes around it.

You've got journalism being like, oh, let's do like a piece about the winner of last year or the winner of this year. Let's check back in the winner of like four years ago. Plus I'm sure if you're living in the capital you can watch the like grand designs equivalent of like, this is how we built, you know. So I'm sure all the entertainment and media would be all about the Hunger Games. And then when the Hunger Games is finished, they're just still talking about, what did we think?

Let's talk about this move. What did we think of the Hunger Games? Yeah. Hashtag let me die. Yeah, I think it'd just be a lot of that. And I think your whole I mean like you see that especially in Catching Fire and stuff like that and even in the later ones with like Peter

how do you feel that Katniss has fucked you good that's true that's basically all they talk about so it'd be a it's a universe or a world that is obsessed with the Hunger Games so the reason the Hunger Games is entertaining is because you've got no other option

or you're just forced to watch it. Yeah. So it's actually not entertaining, but it's got good viewership. It's not entertaining because, well, because I guess, you know, you could do anything, but it has to be entertaining because otherwise the rich people would be like,

this is boring for us, entertain us, please. So I guess it needs to be entertaining for the very rich. Yeah. And then it just kind of trickles on down. Put bombs in their head so that, like, if someone gets boring. That'd be great. You know, in Katniss, it's like, I'll fire my laser up at the roof. No?

You won't. There you go. And then we can put maybe, like, coloured bits in there, little things. Like Kingsman. Yeah, that'd be sick as well because, you know, that means when they die, you can just set them off anyway. Fuck, why didn't they do that? That'd be sick.

Instead of a cannon, you could put the cannon in a person. Yeah. Because then you could be like, and it's like puff of bright coloured smoke or whatever. And you're like, oh, they died over there. That's true. I'm for that. I'm in. Yeah, see, I just fixed the Hunger Games. You're welcome. And there that's true I'm for that I'm in

yeah see I just fixed the Hunger Games you're welcome and on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson and I've also been Joel tweet us all our mistakes

at SansPenceRadio or if you want to get in touch with Jackson who has made the most mistakes at AllDogsAreDead I feel like I won the Hunger Games though

yeah you did so no mistakes and yeah I'm at Douche13 and Zamit is at goddammitzamit. Damn right I am. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.