Plumbing the Death Star - How Liable is Willy Wonka? Live! (Ft. George Dimeralos)

Episode Date: October 17, 2017

In which our heroes receive a golden ticket, visit a chocolate factory, and then witness countless OH&S issues as we wonder Is Willy Wonka liable? You can watch this episode and see our handsome faces here; https://youtu.be/fV0tphswFvM Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show? Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.com Patreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradio Podkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.com USB Tapes: audiobooksontape.com Merch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradio Want to get in contact with us? Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.com Facebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadio Reddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradio Or individually at; Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13 Jackson: twitter.com/Alldogsaredead Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit George: twitter.com/thegdima Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Beware of horn snozzlers. Hey everyone. Apologies for the late episode and apologies for this shitty recording. I was unexpectedly stuck in London without the large majority of my things like my laptop, a spare change of clothes, a toothbrush, really anything that wasn't on my body. Anyways, this episode was recorded from Melbourne Fringe, and if you want to watch our handsome faces, and especially how handsome George is, because goddamn that boy is beautiful,

just head on over to our YouTube channel, Sandspan CinemaScope, or click the link in the description if I've remembered to put it there and am not, in fact, a garbage man. I'm going to go to sleep on this here couch now before catching a plane to Scotland, so you all have a great day and or night.

Keep talking amongst yourselves when we're about to start, don't stress, despite the fact the music just went down. Also, thank you for coming, but we'll get to that. No, no, no. We're good, it's fine. Disregard everything I just said, we are starting, apparently.

We're just waiting on some drinks that are going to come and interrupt us, like, not even halfway through. Soon. In fact, I think I hear him. Ed Goose? Is he falling down the stairs? Hey, there he is. We asked him to get five drinks, and he came back with two, the son of a bitch.

Wait, does that mean... Thank you, Goose. Alright, so when you get back down, Ed Goose, we would have started. Just bring him in. It's fine. It'll be fine. No! Who was that? Be less rude.

Hey everyone, and welcome to a live episode of Flowing the Death Star. Where tonight we are asking the... Actually, before I do that, we've got a special guest with us today, George DeMorales. Woo! A tentative word, but it's built. Who worked on it? He's fresh from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

You pronounce that strangely, but yes. Yeah, we've never been overseas, so you're technically more famous than us. Everyone should be very enthusiastic about you being here. Yeah. Okay. How's the jet lag going? It's good. Yeah, yeah. Doing all us. Everyone should be very enthusiastic about you being here. Yep. Okay. How's the jet lag going? It's good.

Yeah, yeah. Doing all right. Yeah, that's good. That's good to hear. Anyway, when we ask the important questions, like, how liable is Willy Wonka? So everybody's seen one of the two Willy Wonka films, and we know that in those films, several children get irrevocably damaged. Yes.

And is Willy wonka the proprietor of willie wonka's chocolate factory i was not sure if it had another name i was like chocolate factory yeah i'll make the name of the movie hey here they are interrupting us like i said they would god i'm excited is willie wonka liable for the damage to those children? What do we think? Look, it's hard to say because, like, you want to instantly be like, yes, of course. But also, like, they came into his workplace. The Oompa Loompas are fine.

Are they? The Oompa Loompas are fine. That's question one. I would not make that blanket statement. We'll delve into that in a sec. But I think we can kind of go through them sort of one by one to see just how liable Wonka is. Because, so Augustus

Augustus Gloop is her chairman boy. He was the first one to go into the river. He stressed me the most. Oh, as a child I hated the original movie. It made me really traumatised because I'm like that boy is dying. And everyone's just like, gosh, that's crazy.

The dad literally eats a microphone head. That's beforehand. What kind of monster family is this? Where the child won't stop eating and the dad's eating metal. It's weird when Augustus is drinking from that

river, his mother's like, Augustus, Augustus, save some for later. What? Scoop some of that chocolate into your pockets when Augustus is drinking from that river. His mother's like, Augustus, Augustus, save some for later. What? Scoop some of that chocolate into your pockets, Augustus. Get it like a canteen and just scoop it up. Think smarter, not faster. Who knows how many chocolate legs there are in this factory? Actually, that's a good point.

He fucking, like, first room he fucks himself. Like, he missed out on everything. He's too keen. I've read two stories about what that chocolate river was actually made of in filming, right? The first story is that it was basically gravy. So it was water with a gravy powder in it, which is disgusting because Augustus Gloop is going... So he's actually

drinking just filthy gravy water. But the other story is that it was actual chocolate and that it went off. So either way, the actor who played Augustus Gloop was poisoning himself. He was actually Augustus Gloop. Let's not talk about liabilities of Wonka.

Liabilities of who made this film. Exactly. I feel that's bad, but the only problem there is there's no railing. If there'd been a railing, Augustus would never have got a drink. Willy Wonka, he doesn't say, though, actually, don't drink. Augustus is drinking and he says, stop.

Yeah, he's like, my chocolate can't be touched by human hands. Yeah, which is the kind of thing you'd think you should have said at some point. Well, no. Oh, God, I just realized I'm going to be very pro-Wonka in this. That's all right. Look, I've been in charge of occupational health and safety at a workplace before. And I know that I would be upset if someone like fucking cut their arm off using a door or something. And I was like, that's not on me.

You used that wrong. Okay. Well, 100% if you cut your arm on the door, that's on you. Arm off on a door? Did you shut the door? You shut the door. Never shut the door. So that the door. Never shut the door. So that's on you, because doors are whatever.

But a chocolate lake seems out of the ordinary. It just seems like the kind of thing that if I'm a child a Willy Wonka's like, hey, eat whatever the fuck you want, Jackson. And I'm like, well, the first thing I'm going for is the chocolate River Wonka, because I'm not a fucking idiot. And then I'm drinking it, and he's like, not that. I'm like, well, be clear.

Or at least give me some straws. Yeah, he did. Then I'm drinking it and he's like, not that I'm like, well be clear Why can't I drink? Or at least give me some straws I mean, you fell into the lake You are a fucking idiot What are you doing? My phone's out of my pocket, it's fine If I'm working in a pool I need to make sure that I have a lifeguard

Yeah An Oompa Loompa lifeguard is needed The Oompa Loompas are just on the other side of the river They don't swing about it Was there an Oompa Loompa lifeguard is needed, is what you said. The Oompa Loompas are just on the other side of the river. Was there an Oompa Loompa sitting there, just on a little high chair? With like a whistle? I guess Willy Wonka didn't expect to sing a song about it.

An Oompa Loompa being like, I can't lift him. Shit! I'm tiny. I need five of them! Sick. Adam! I think if they'd been railing, then it wouldn't have been a problem. I think this is largely not... I mean, Willy Wonka as the proprietor should have said something.

Yes. But, like, are there grounds to sue? No. No. I mean... Well, we didn't see the contract they signed. Well, yeah, there are grounds to sue. Because that contract is big until it's tiny,

at which point you're like, that's just a crime. Well, if we talk about the contract, let's just go back a moment. For those who are unaware of what happens, he asks all the children to sign this contract. And one of the fathers is like, do not sign that, I'm your lawyer president.

And one guy's like, if you don't sign it, get in. And so Violet, I think, is like, Daddy, I'm signing this goddamn contract, give me the pen. Shut the Violet, I think, is like, Daddy, I'm signing this goddamn contract. Give me the pen. Shut the fuck up, Daddy. This is my time to shine. And Grandpa Joe's like, no, kids sign away. That's a crime.

And the kids sign, but they don't get the parents or the guardians to sign. So is that contract null and void? It's actually not. I was researching this for some reason. It's actually not null and void? What contract should you get children to sign? No, it is null and void. Sorry. It's actually not. I was researching this for some reason. It's actually not null and void? What contract should you get children to sign? No, it is null and void. Sorry. It's worthless.

A child can't sign a contract. I mean, a child can, but it means nothing. If Willy Wonka, or if they sued Willy Wonka, and Willy Wonka's like, they signed a contract, the child could just be like, I don't care, and then they're fine. I am under 18. It does not mean anything. So why did Willy Wonka... Maybe Willy Wonka's just got a poor understanding of the legal system.

I think so. That could be his ultimate undoing. Well, yeah, I mean, I think his moral compass is a bit skew-whiff. He's terrifying in the first one. He does steal a whole people. As an aside here, I don't know what the term is. I want to say it's like a nicer kind of genocide. Because he doesn't kill them.

He just kidnaps them. So what's a term for kidnapping a people? Well, what's really weird is that there's that scene where they're like, what are the Oompa Loompas? And he's like, oh, they're from Loompa Land. And then that lady who's like, well, I'm a geography teacher. And that's fucking ridiculous. But he's like, no, it's a place.

And you're supposed to be like, oh, Willy Wonka showed that geography teacher. But no, she's a geography. And you're supposed to be like, oh, Willy Wonka showed that geography teacher, but no, she's a geography teacher. So she's right. And then he's like, there's Vinicious Knids and everyone's like, that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, Wonka. So I don't think Loompa Land's a real place. Then where are they from? I don't know.

I just think Willy Wonka was lying about that. Did he just get a couple of midgets and put face paint on them and was like, you're from Oompa Loompa Land? Well, wait. I might have the first outlandish theory of the evening. Yeah. Fallen children from previous tours.

Mutated fallen children. Well, here's a theory that I read. So, you know. With memory loss. What? With memory loss. Yeah. I was always an Oompa Loompa.

It's easy to brainwash a child Oh yeah Hang on that's his point That's like Wonka's literal point Of getting Charlie there at the very end He's like I want you to run this Factory I don't want an adult Because adults want it their way

I want people to run it my way And I need a child for that Because I can teach a child my own thing So brainwashing is on the table If child my own thing. So brainwashing is on the table. If Willy Walker is already pro brainwashing, who's to say that's not what happened? Another theory I read is, you know Violet Burgard

eats the gum and she ends up being a big plum lady? Yeah. Fond memories of that. It's a dessert she turns into, right? So what if the original dessert was pumpkin pie and all the obelisks are just former employees who were like, time to test the gum! she turns into, right? So what if the original dessert was pumpkin pie? And all the overlovers are just former employees who were like, time to test the gum!

Wonka's like, why the fuck isn't this working? Let's try another 5,000 times. He's gotta get it right. Man's a perfectionist. I guess eventually he's like, ah, it's not working. Let's try blueberry pie. That'll sort it out. I guess it makes sense. Everyone gets shrunk rather than...

There's some logic to it. Okay, so that's Augustus Gloop. Augustus Glo it out. I guess it makes sense. Everyone gets shrunk rather than... Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, there's some logic to it. Okay, so that's Augustus Gloop. Augustus Gloop. So I reckon Wonka's a little bit liable. Like, all he needs... It's more of an OH&S issue. Yeah, exactly.

He just needs a fence. They just need to file a report. Or a gate. Like a, you know, a pool gate. Yeah, exactly. Or him to just be like, don't fall in. Or a sign, at least. Or a signage of some kind.

Or not have a pump strong enough to pull a fat boy. Like, that pump just needed to pump chocolate. It shouldn't have been that powerful. But that pump did save the fat boy. So you kind of got to... Yeah, look, nah, fair. Actually, nah, fuck Augustus. If he can't swim, stay away from water or chocolate.

That is water, liquid based. Actually, that's also a good point. Why was Augustus like there right over water when he can't swim? Have you never wanted something so badly he's under water for a disturbing

amount of time ah it's stressful and also like when you drown you swallow so his lungs would be coated with chocolate

he'd love that this is turning into some sort of sore thing death by your love thing my lungs are full of chocolate every time I breathe

I taste chocolate. No, he wouldn't. Every time he breathed the chocolate would crack and it would just stab his lungs. Like in reality, yeah. That's a sore kid. The chocolate went to the boiling room, right? No. Where did it go? The creaming room or something?

The creaming room. The incinerator was with the egg. No, because they're like, we'll boil him. And then his mom's like, you're not going to boil him. And he's like, ah, it might be something else equally terrible. But Willy Wonka's not particularly stressed about the death of the child. Oh, he's not.

He's like, please don't stop it. Oh, don't. Whatever. Who gives a fuck? You're ruining my childhood. Which Wonka is more stressed? G Wilder or Johnny Depp? Depp. Depp's more stressed. Depp's more stressed.

Nah, Wilder. Wilder doesn't give a fuck. Like, he's straight up, he's like, oh, don't touch that. Oh, you touched it. Oh, well. But Johnny Depp's like,

touch it. It would be really nice if you could just touch this chocolate cake. I don't know why he decided to talk like that for the whole film. I like the way your head bobs up. Really into it.

I'm glad someone likes it because I fucking hate it. Don't do that near me ever again. Do it for the rest of the podcast. Who's the next child to get injured? After Augustus. It's Violet Beauregard, right? Because I have the nightmare ride on the boat for no good reason.

Just scar us all forever. We're getting slower, the boat's rolling, you're all going to die, children. There's a horrific imagery of insects getting killed. There's a fox rotting slowly. Is there? Which means that when Willy Wonka set this up, he's like, so we've got the chocolate room, that's sick.

And the next bit's going to be, you know that boat ride where we set the projectors on the wall but they've got the centrepiece on the people's faces? That one. And hopefully that'll weed out a child who's too scared to run. He's like, look, owning a chocolate factory involves a lot of terror, so we've got to make sure the child can hack it.

Or, is this again more of a hint to brainwashing? Oh yeah, like in MKUltra type. Like in the kind of, you know, Clockwork Orange. They're just showing horrific images. Because if you've got to work in a chocolate factory, you're going to see some shit. So we'll prepare you early.

Did you see that before a kid fucking died, mate? Yeah, it did. It's going to be more of that shit, so prepare yourself. There's going to be some body horror in three, two... Oh, there she goes. Yeah, so Violet Burgard, she eats the gum. She's specifically told not to, but she does, and her dad's like, eat it, eat it.

Classic dad. And then she balloons out, so I think in that one it's pretty clear. Yeah, like, again, it's Wonka being a bit of a dick by like, here's this candy I've just made and presents it to them, but then she snatches it, so I feel that's on her. Oh, it's kind of like if they were like, Jackson, hey, here's this experimental chocolate that we've just made and presents it to them. But then she snatches it. So I feel that's on her. It's kind of like if they were like, Jackson, hey, here's this experimental chocolate that we've just made

and I eat it. And they're like, careful, it poisons people. And I'm like, ah! Should have waited until the end of the sentence. Again, in the next couple scenes after, there's exploding candy. What if it had been that? Violet Burgard's head explodes and the dad's like, can you fix that like you could fix the Augustus boy?

Nah. She's dead. Her head exploded's like, can you fix that like you could fix the Augustus boy? No. She's dead. Her head exploded. There's no cure for that. Why is he making exploding candy? And in his quote, for your enemies? I think there's a bit of... Who said his quote?

Yes. And he needs more glycerine or whatever. I've been thinking about, you know, I mean... He wants it to be more exploding. He did. To plumbing the desk, I want to know that I have a little pet theory that Willy Wonka is a Nazi, right?

Uh-huh. He's a Nazi scientist that was brought over by Operation Paperclip or whatever. Doesn't matter. But if you look at the candy he's making in that prototype room, they're all quite war based. So the everlasting gobstopper would be great as rations for a soldier. Would it? Yes, because it's infinite food.

It's infinite something to have in your mouth. And it's like, clearly sugar. Yeah, it's a lot of sugar. And then you just suck it forever. He's created something you can't destroy matter, which is... Yeah, I was about to say, what is that? I don't know, magic. Who knows?

But also... Don't worry about it. Newtonian, that's for sure. The gum is like, here's a full five-course meal. Imagine you're a soldier on the battlefield, and you're like, what am I going to... I'm starving. You're like, whoop, I have have one gum which is so cheap to produce

and then you know it's scary and then exploding exploding gum to give to your enemies the ally yeah that's right oh he's making for the allies so it's all right oh is he oh we got him back but yeah all the candy in there is very strange. And then there's also the pot full of candy that he pours a shoe in and he gives a kick and you're like, what? That's just going to make it taste like shoe. But it does.

So in that regard, I feel Wonka in the clear. Yeah, absolutely. In terms of the death of Violet Beauregard. She's sent to a severe disfig the death of Violet Beauregard. She's sent to a severe disfigurement of Violet Beauregard. Can we all try to imagine a juicing of a

human being that doesn't end in the death of Violet Beauregard? Best case scenario, she's squeezed and all of the like... He says it's juice. He says she's full of juice. Just comes out her paws. And that's just fucking horrible. It could be like a maple tree. You know, you tap it's juice. He says she's full of juice. It just comes out her pores. And that's just fucking horrible. It could be like a maple tree.

You know, you tap it. Oh. Well, the juice is... I read an article the other day about a guy who got the bends wrong. Yeah. Do you guys know what the bends are? Anyone? That was a resounding no.

I'm feeling like, yes. It's basically if you surface whilst you're diving, if you surface too quickly from too deep in the water, your body gets full of little nitrate pockets, I think is how it goes down. And this one guy, it went wrong. And his body was so full of nitrate pockets that he had

like, big balloon like, he looked like the Michelin Man. Yeah. It wasn't pretty. Yeah, so if she's got stuff like that, maybe they just tap the juice pockets, pour it out, reconstitute that shit, back in the gum. That's gross.

Maybe it works this time. I think Marla Burgard is dead. I think that's fair to say, right? 100%. Look, yeah. Well, you see her at the end of the... In the new one, you do. In the end of the in the new one you do in the original

in the original she's ominously absent in the original there's a scene where like Willy Wonka's like ah that'll be fine Charlie but that's literally all the assurance you get

alright so up next we have Veruca Salt ooh everyone's favourite everyone's favourite yeah she falls down the bad egg chute

that chute works for eggs and people. That's weird. What moral system are they basing that on? Because surely that system is designed to be like, this egg is rotten. It's not judging the moral character of the geese's eggs. It's judging whether or not they're good. Maybe she's rotten inside.

Maybe she's got leukaemia. And then just down the chute. That system is saying that this human being is not fit for human consumption. And that's very funny.

you just sent like a cancer kid into the incinerator. If she has it, so does the dad. The dad's a bad egg too. That system is very strice. You just sent like

a leukemia family down to the incinerator. That's not good, Wonka. I don't understand. That room is for wrapping asice. You just sound like a leukemia family down in the incinerator. That's not good, Wonka. I don't understand. That room is for rapping as well. That's where we package everything. Right. Never mind.

Not for spitting fat rhymes. This is where the Oompa Loompas cypher with each other to get their beats tight and fresh. No, it's for rapping. This is where we package everything. But there's like four Oompa Loompas in there. That's just not enough of a team. You know what I mean? The others are busy singing,

Jackson. They've got their priorities straight. That's true. Busy singing and fishing kids out of a pool. And juicing other ones. Yeah, they are actually. Yuck.

Well, where does a bad egg shoot go? Into the incinerator. Or the garbage dump, depending. Willy Wonka can't really remember. It's the garbage dump. And in the new one, he's like, oh, we only get to, you know, the incinerator goes on every Tuesday. Yeah. Like, oh can't really remember. It's the garbage dump, and in the new one he's like,

oh, the incinerator goes on every Tuesday. And you're like, oh, it is Tuesday. So she's burnt to death. Good. But then they say it wasn't turned on. So, you know. Again, Willy Wonka is not liable for that. That was Veruca Salt singing a song and then jumping in a chute.

Why did she do that? Because she wants everything? She wants everything. She wants the whole world. She wants it right up in her pocket. She wants a feast, do she? He knows all the words to this song, by the way. That song opens with her saying, I want a feast. I want a bean feast.

I don't know what a bean feast could possibly constitute. Is it definitely bean and not big? No, it's bean. She says, I want a feast. And her dad's like, we'll get you a feast. She's like, I want a bean feast could possibly constitute. Is it definitely bean and not beak? No, it's bean. She says, I want a feast. And her dad's like, we'll get you a feast. She's like, I want a bean feast. And he's like, oh, one of those. He knows. I'm just imagining

Veruca Salt all prim and prissy with a table covered in chili beans. Thank you, daddy. Anything for my little doer. Anything for you, Veruca. Anything for you Veruca anything for you but just like to clarify though

with that scene in the second one he very clearly pretends that he can't unlock the door and then he totally can unlock the door so in the second one

he's kind of trying to kill the kids he's trying to kill the kid and he's like oh no I can't do it and then as soon as he goes oh there we go

as soon as she's gone gotcha now she's dead but then he also kind of makes sure the adult dies as soon as he goes, oh, there we go. As soon as she's gone. Gotcha. Now she's dead. But then he also kind of makes sure the adult dies as well. Yeah. Got him. Maybe she got caught,

so if you just reach over there and pick her up, you could get her. And so he does. And then a squirrel kicks him. Hmm. Well, so... Why?

It's kind of like in the original, there's just negligence on Willy Wonka's part as he's like, oh, whatever. It's just like the owl. I don't give a shit. But in Wonka's defense, there was a negligence on Willy Wonka's part. He's like, whatever, just let the owl stay. I don't give a shit.

But in Wonka's defense, there was a gate. Yeah, there was a gate, absolutely. She does climb over it in the new one. In the old one, there are like, it's machinery that she shouldn't be climbing on. Yeah, again, I'd say he's not liable in this instance. It's like me going to the Cadbury factory being like, that's a fucking sick M&M. And like crawling on the conveyor belt. What's this, the fact where you heat up the chocolate? I'm jumping in.

That's cool. That's cool, yeah. Woo! But it's also like I'm doing that. It's also like me jumping in a vat full of boiling chocolate at the Cadbury factory and the workers being like, oh, that's a shame. Damn, I guess.

Oh, well, in he goes. Well, what would you do? What would I do? I'd be like, please don't do that. If Veruca Salt started singing, I'd be like, we've got limited time on this trip. Please don't sing a song. As in, if I was an employer, I'd be like hitting a button that's like, stop. So the moment Augustus Gloop falls in, I'm like, two is cancelled.

A boy died. You're going to have to tell all of the people in the world that this is just really what it was a disaster. Fair enough. I don't want any more deaths on my. shit because i'm the first one's probably like well it's can't get worse than this so well i guess if a boy dies like oh shit okay everyone eat this pumpkin pie a little bit more umpah lumpahs there it is thank god ten more years five more tickets it's fine it's fine so veruca salt I always think in all of the scenes where one of the kids dies

and their parent has to go off to the juicing room or the boiler or whatever, is that Willy Wonka gets an Oompa Loompa to lead them and I always wonder what their conversation is. As the Oompa Loompa is leading the mum towards the juicing room, what do they say to each other? Anything? Is it silence? Do they sing exclusively? Yeah! Do they get their own song?

Does she like, how long have you been an Oompa Loompa? How does that go down? So Veruca is... Forever. The one thing they say. How long have you been an oompa loompa? Never coming back. Eternity.

I can never die. I'm as old as the sun and the stars. Wonka is a god. One of us now. I just run now I just run Sometimes children die It's fine Well it's funny because to imagine

that the talking voice is like what we just said but for some reason they can just sing fine Angelic voices Alright so after Veruca I was going to say Because Veruca is another word for a wart But in the school When Charlie's in class

They teach There's a chemistry teacher or a math teacher Because he kind of doubles up a bit But he's teaching all the kids how to make wart remover Huh Why All of the scenes that are outside the chocolate factory, especially in the original,

are just the most mysterious scenes in the world. There's just so much. You're like, what time period is this? What country is this? They say dollars, but a lot of people have British accents. It's very confusing. Who's that guy in the fucking early scene when Charlie's looking up at the chocolate factory

and a guy with a knife cut the sweeper, he's like nobody goes in, nobody comes out and Charlie's just like, fuck and runs. Yeah, he's basically like are you afraid of the little green men or some shit? He knows what's going on in there. Who is that guy?

He never comes back. He doesn't. I reckon he was one of the escaped workers. Yeah, the one that didn't eat the pumpkin seed. Yeah, yeah. He's seen Wonka turning all his co-workers into little orange lumps. And he's like, I'm out of here. I'm going to push a cart around England. I don't know.

That's much better for me. As a man who hasn't seen this film in the last week, this scene sounds very made up. No, it's absolutely in there. A man with a knife cart is like, wheels up, it's like night time, Charlie's coming back from his paper route and he's like, nobody

goes in, nobody comes out, you'll die if you go in there. Are you afraid of the little men? And then he exits the scene, but not how you would expect a man to exit a scene wielding a knife cart. He just backs up like a truck. It's so

fucked. There's a scene where they create a computer that wants chocolate. You know that happens? There are all these scenes at the start when the Willy Wonka chocolate golden ticket craze is sweeping the planet where there's a murder

that happens. Wonka mania. Somebody's like, oh, happens. I believe the term is Wonka-mania. Yeah, Wonka-mania. Well, not a murder. Somebody's like, oh, your husband's been kidnapped. It's a ransom. And they're like, what does she want? Oh, he wants all your Wonka bars. And then she's like, might keep them. It's fucked. You can get a new husband any day. The chance

of going through a quite quick tour of the Wonka factory. That's horrible. And it's interesting because in the first one, there's no mention of the grand prize. The grand prize of the first one is a lifetime supply of chocolate.

In the remake, there is a secret sneaky grand prize. We don't know what it is. But in the first one, there's just like, hey, you'll get a lifetime supply of chocolate. How fucking keen are people for that much chocolate's this like, hey, you'll get a lifetime supply of chocolate. How fucking keen are people for that much chocolate to be like, oh, my husband. Let him have it.

Like a lifetime supply of bounty. All the chocolate that you see in the chocolate shop at the start as well, it's just pretty basic chocolate. You don't have the idea that when you go to Wonka's factory, it's going to be this fucking crazy amazing floating candy. It's just like, just bars of chocolate.

Yeah. That's enough. I don't really want to go to the Mars factory. Like, as in, like, I've seen a Snickers. Once you've seen one Snickers, you've probably seen them all. Yeah, and I imagine, like, if I imagine a chocolate factory, it's not glamorous. It's just like people being like, yeah,

this is where we mix the cream and the cocoa. Can you imagine going to, like, the Snickers factory after going to the Mars factory? So they're just like, being like, yeah, this is where we mix the cream and the cocoa. Imagine going to the Snickers factory after going to the Mars factory. So they're just like, so we just put peanuts. That's crazy. Do I get the company at the end of this tour? No, that's ridiculous. Yeah, that's fair.

We need to headhunt. Legally, a child can't run a business. Did you not know that? Has anyone died here? What? Excuse me? That's a fucked question. Has anybody died in a weird, punished for the sin that they specifically embody?

Has that ever happened to you? Any kids ever drowned in chocolate or anyone get blowed up? Just once, but we don't want to talk about it. We had to shut down for a while and we lost a lot of money. That's sad. Have a whimsical job. Have you seen Charlie and Charlie Factory? That's sick.

Be like that. The thing is, though, if the kids were expecting to go to a regular factory, I wonder if they're disappointed they don't get to see how an actual factory works. Yeah, exactly. At no point do they see the construction of chocolate. They just see nonsense. Singing nonsense. Yeah. Wonka's like, oh, I churn

my chocolate by waterfall. No other company does that. There's probably a very good reason for that, Wonka. Is that good? That's fucking ridiculous. I bet that's why. I don't think frothy chocolate would taste good. Yeah, no. Frothy chocolate. Frothy.

It's a huge river, and you watch the Oompa Loompas putting the cream and the sugar in, and it's just like a tiny bit of sugar. It's not a functioning factory at all. I think it's all a show. So what I understand is you've got this whole, it's worldwide. There's world commandos worldwide. So you've got this idea of lifetime supply of chocolate. Everyone's loving it.

But you also had about 20 years ago, or whatever it was, people being like, yeah, it is in public record, public knowledge that we know that there were spies in the chocolate factory. Yeah. There were chocolate wars. Yeah. Because Slugworth, I always remember him as just like a shady fuck. But actually, he has his own chocolate brand. Yeah. Who's buying Slugworth chocolate?

Change your name. It's like if you're like, Slug shit, that's my surname. What do you make? Candy. Eat this Slugshit Gobstopper. Mmm, delicious. What does it taste like?

It's chocolate. It's just a Gobstopper. Why don't you change your name? Slugshit's my dad's name. It's now my name and my candy's name. It does just taste normal, but I can't stop thinking of shit. So who's next? Well, there's the drink that fears nearly dying, the blades scene.

Yeah. Again, not on Wonka. Wonka's like, don't drink this. On Grandpa Joe. Grandpa fucking Joe. Can we talk about how much of a piece of shit Grandpa Joe is This is a sidebar to grill Grandpa Joe Grandpa Joe is an actual human garbage man

Like He's like I've been bed ridden for 20 years Where the fuck did you get that bar of chocolate from then Grandpa Joe If you've been in bed for 20 years mate This is a secret bar Don't tell anyone How'd you get it

Did you walk with your legs? Did you get out of the rest of the family? Fucking bad. Making you cabbage soup, you fuck. Maybe he's senile. He just doesn't remember. Charlie's like, yeah, grandpa, I didn't know about that chocolate. And then in the depth one, he's even worse.

He's like a selfish old coot. He's basically like, as soon as Charlie gets the ticket, he's like, Mum and Dad are like, oh, who are you going to take, Charlie? Like, as in, which parental figure? And then without missing a beat, Grandpa Joe is like, I'm going! I've learnt to walk again!

And then he does a fucking dance! Yes! At the very least, in the original, the Gene Wilder one, his dance is like him faking his legs being atrophied. Yeah. But then they fix themselves. What I think is fucked is that it's only until the start of the Willy Wonka movie that he's like, maybe I shouldn't get this poor family to spend money on my tobacco.

Yeah. Yeah, he's like, no, look, that's, spend money on me, I need to smoke. And then Charlie's like, I'm not going to, you know, he's like, the parents are so happy for them to spend money on his smoking habit. But he still gets the money, he just spends it on chocolate instead. He's garbage. He's a piece of shit. I know. Back then, maybe smoking was good for you.

Good for your teaser. Yeah, look, no, fair. They're like, we want to keep him alive a little bit longer. Pump him full of cigarettes. And then continuing on how much of a garbage man Grandpa Joe is, it's Grandpa Joe's idea of Charlie, drink this fizzy water. Yeah. Charlie's like, I don't think so, Grandpa.

He's like, fucking do it, kid. Also, after four kids have died from doing the exact opposite of what Wonka says, why the fuck would you still do that? I don't know, because it's a dickhead. Like, oh, sick, there's four kids, they're dead now. I guess there's probably a reason we shouldn't do this thing. Nope. What if we do it?

What I think is fucked is imagine that soda in, like, product, like, you know, going to the store and being like, sweet, goodbye. What happened to your friend Jackson, Joel? Well, he went up and he never came down. I think he got hit by a plane. He drank a coke and... I don't know.

My first reaction would not be to burp, it would be to vomit. That's what I always think. As I was floating up, I'd be like, oh my god, oh my god. I gotta get it out of my system. Would that work? Because there's no burps.

I don't know. You need to get the gas out. Or if Willy Wonka would be like, what happened to Jackson? And oh my God, this room is full of entrails and sick. The Oompa Loompas coming in being like, Oompa Loompa Dooperty, what the fuck? What happened here?

We need a bucket and water. Clearly that was designed though to like as a trial, like all the other kid deaths were trials, yeah? So this was like one as well, right? Yeah. So what was the Oompa Loompa song going to be? Like, Oompa Loompa, doobity-do, Charlie, don't trust your grandpa joke. What was it going to be?

What was Charlie's sin? I don't know. I don't know either. He just was told not to do something that he didn't. Like all the other kids. His sin was trust. Don't trust, look, some kids... Valuable for the business world. Don't trust your grandpa. Well, it's actually not bad advice.

Your grandpa's a fuck, Charlie. Don't trust him if you're going to run the business. Oh no, beer almost came out of my nose. Alright, so again, in that situation, Willy Wonka, not liable. I'm just going to run the business. Oh no, beer almost came out of my nose. Alright, so again in that situation, Willy Wonka, not liable. I'm just going to time out for a bit. You do you. So yeah, Wonka, not liable in that.

Not at all. I didn't learn my lesson. And then it's Mike TV. I'm back. Willy Wonka is like, yeah, jump in that. Don't jump in that. It'll make you tiny.

And he's like, what if I did it? And he does. Yeah, he's like, can it transport a human? And Wonka's like, I guess. Probably. I guess so. And then, oop, he did it and he's tiny. Can we talk about how ineffective that is?

He's like, oh, you've got to make the candy bars huge to get them anywhere. You're like, what a waste. What a fuck. You're like, what a waste. What a fuck. You're so stupid, Willy Wonka. You just don't know how to run a business. No, no. I was also thinking that's very stupid, Wonka. You get a giant candy bar and you shrink it, right? But with a TV, the purpose there is to mass

project, basically, or broadcast on many TVs. So it's kind of like a teleporter but also a cloning machine. It's lucky there was only one TV for Mike TV to get sucked into. Surely Mike TV, the moment he enters that room, is like, oh, fuck.

This one's meant for me. I don't want to look, Wonka. Wonka's like, no, it's harmless. It's not. It'll kill me. I'm Mike TV. It's in the It'll kill me. I'm like TV. It's in the name. It's in my name. It's who I am.

This was built for me. It's just a one. It's just a one. Also, the more we go through this, the more that like Charlie the Chocolate Factory or Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, depending on which film we're talking about, follows the beats of a Saw film. Like, legitimately though, like a Saw film's always like, well, You're a lawyer or something and your body Stole from someone so now you cut your arms off

But Willy Wonka is like You're a bad listener so now you drowned Yeah And it just keeps happening And no one learns their lesson Although there is one weird moment where Wonka Does actually give a warning to the kids But he does it in German

Oh Nazi where Wonka does actually give a warning to the kids, but he does it in German. Oh. Nazi. Just saying. I didn't use the words. I just gave you the facts. That kind of makes sense because he's like, well, I mean, I didn't eliminate them, but if they had a known German, they would have been fine.

Well, can we talk about the fact that... Yeah. So the timeline... I was thinking about this when I was watching it last night, the timeline of when everybody gets the golden tickets to the day that the opening happens is fucked. So Charlie gets the last golden ticket

and then it's the next day that everybody has to be in his little town in London or America. England or America to be the United States of the United Kingdom. Yes. USA, UK. Imagine if it hadn't been Charlie, who just very luckily lived really close to the chocolate

factory. Augustus had got the last one. And they're like, well, you got to be here tomorrow. And he's like, I just physically can't. Well, maybe they would like took that. I don't want to like fuck your question too much. Please. Maybe they took that into consideration. I don't want to fuck your question too much, but maybe they took that into consideration.

Well, how? I mean, because it was broadcast on the news every time someone got a ticket, so when Charlie got the one, they were like, well, let's just do it tomorrow. Oh, wait, but Augusta's group would have already needed to be there. Yeah, that's what I mean. Oh, man, no, I'm an idiot.

Well, Germany isn't that far from either of those countries. Well, America, say. Imagine if it had been Mike TV. Well, I mean, George is right. I mean, the flight is not longer than 24 hours. They're not going by boat, mate. Imagine if it'd been Mike TV. Well, I mean, George is right. I mean, the flight is not longer than 24 hours. They're not going by boat, mate.

I suppose. Do you know how planes work? Not, like, exactly. Nah, fair. Me neither. Well, if you look at it, because Slugworth...

How'd they get up there? I think they go up. Grass elevators? They're so high up. That's for birds. Man should not fly. They flap their so high up. That's for birds. Men should not fly. They flap their wings real high. That makes more sense.

I understand a bird's bird's work. I just didn't complain. Anyway. So Slugworth. Yes. If you look at every time the child gets a golden ticket, Slugworth is there. Yeah. Yeah.

100%. If it's in like little Dusseldorf in Germany or wherever everyone else is from, he's always there. And that means like like, he knows. Yeah. So the place is rigged. Surely. But that's fucked.

But he does know, doesn't he? Doesn't he work for him in the end? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if the golden tickets are rigged, then that defeats his whole plan. It's so stupid. He's like, I am going to get the perfect child, but I'm going to rig it so that I get children

that will specifically fall into the traps I set. And then when they fall into the traps, I'll be like, I fucking knew it. That's so ridiculous. But then how is Slugworth there? Maybe Willy Wonka's just a fucking idiot. What a specific thing you need with, what do you call it, the chewing gum?

I need a girl or a boy that can chew gum a lot. Perfect. The one who's the world champion. Actually, because there's two people in the town that chew gum. But that means that

he still specifically was, he's like, I have a chewing gum trap. Like Saw, this was simply just a test. So I was like, I'm going to show you something but you have to get out of it, right?

So I know you love fucking chewing gum. So I'm going to give you some gum that you know you want to chew. So if you can, like, stop and not chew, you're a good kid. But then she's just like, nah.

And he's like, well, you're a dickhead. You didn't learn to respect life enough, and now Jigsaw got you. So was his plan basically just for every child to die? Yes. So that's why at the end when Charlie comes in, he's just like, I did not plan this. Sitting in my office shooting myself. Well, he did set them all up.

Never mind. That's what I mean. Because he gave the everlasting gobsucker. Sorry, douche. No, that's good. I was going to say that like, so Augustus Gloop freaks me out, but I also just realized that as a child I was very traumatized by Wonka yelling at Charlie. It stressed me. You're meant to be... Although, for some reason,

I guess as a child I didn't realize that Wonka wasn't a bad guy. He's a very bad man. If it was just an adult when he's yelling at me, that makes sense. You guys know what snozzberries are, yeah? Snozzberries taste like snozzberries. Snozzberry is dick.

There's this other book that Roald Dahl wrote, which I've read, which is about... It's the fucking weirdest plot. There's a group of people who are trying to steal the semen of famous men, okay? And then sell that semen to people... Famous child author. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Roald Dahl. They're going to sell the semen to, like, ladies who would like to get pregnant with, like, Einstein's baby. That's the plot. And yeah, they use snozzberry to refer to a dick throughout the whole thing. So the snozzberries taste like dicks. The dicks taste like dicks. So,

who says that? Willy Wonka. I thought I was worried for a second. Lickable wallpaper. He's like, yeah, try it all. The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries. Basically, he's getting the kids to lick something that tastes like dick. Is that a crime?

Yes. Think about what you just said. Is he liable? Is he liable? Because he's like, I didn't make the kid lick dick. He's got a taste of dick. If he likes it. I don't want to be on Wonka's side.

He's a monster. I'm not. I'm not. However, legally, is that okay? Can he get away with that? He shouldn't. A penis candy that is not a penis. And then it's fine whoever eats the penis candy.

If it's legally known as penis snozzberries somewhere, then that's okay. Like he's not covering it up. Well, we've got to hope basically. As long as he's naming it correctly. We've got to hope snozzberries is also a form of berry. That also just kind of tastes like dick. Slang for penis, you know? You might call it like a fucking plum or whatever.

If plum was slang for penis and you're like, it tastes like plum. I get it. No, I follow. You feel me? It still feels wrong. Snozzberry is also a gross way to refer to a dick. Also, just imagine that wallpaper. Plums are slang for balls.

Huh? Plums are slang for balls? Yeah, people say plums. Yeah, my plums. Berries? Twig and berries. That's a classic. The twig and berries taste like twig and berries. What berries? That's vague as fuck, Wonka. Twig?

This is just penis wallpaper, isn't it? I'd be slapping Charlie. No, don't lick it. They're all penis. That's the twist. Try this. This banana tastes like banana. It tastes like penis, Wonka.

I hate this tour. But imagine that if it's, you know, it's perfectly harmless. It's just candy. Imagine a wallpaper that you can lick to get... Imagine like 20 licks down the track. Ew. I feel like if I put wallpaper in my house, I'd... Don't want to lick it.

Even if I... Yeah, no, that's gross. You drop a fucking something on the floor, you don't want to eat it. Wallpaper's just as filthy. Yeah, I think so. What are you doing to your walls? Are you like walking on your walls? Are you walking on your walls? If you dropped a sandwich on your wall, would you still eat it?

I don't want to eat it because then it fell on the floor. If I was making a sandwich and tripped and it flung against the wall and started sliding down, and then I caught it, I would absolutely fucking eat it. What if it just stayed on the wall? You're like, whoop, and it's like, whoop. I'm like, fuck. And then I'd eat it. What if it just stayed on the wall? You're like, whoop, and it's like, whoop! I'm like, fuck. And then I'd eat it. Yeah. I'm eating that bad boy. That's on you for eating what is clearly a possessed

sandwich. I eat it, it tastes fine, I'm just full of ghosts. Going back to Mike TV. Yeah. He makes a teleporter, yeah. A teleporter and he kind of gets small. A teleporter and a shrinker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Mike TV is dead, yeah? Yeah. The whole sort of teleportation

thing, which is actually easier to just kill whatever's over here and they pop up over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you kill the child, yeah? Yeah. But that's like, what, the fifth kid is killed? It's no big deal. Yeah, but like, catch me up here. Come on, George, pay attention. Kids are dropping like flies, George. No, okay, so... They killed him and made a clone that's smaller.

Well, the idea is that teleportation, it makes more sense for you to be killed on one end and then reconstructed with all of your memories on the other than to actually take all of your bits and reconstitute them. Of course, yeah. And even if the teleporter was to deconstruct you and then reconstruct you, you're still dying. So yeah, like...

Is that a threat? Welcome to the fucking show, George. Let this be a lesson to you, George. In Star Trek, they all fucking die every time they teleport. That's a fact. Is it a fact? Yeah, absolutely.

I checked the books. So he murdered Mike TV. But he murdered Augustus Gloop, Violet Beauregard, and Veruca Salt as well. They're all dead. All the kids in that movie are gone. Except Charlie. Well no, he's up in an elevator full of glass.

And it's going like... It's arcing, but it'll eventually come down. Imagine trying to land an elevator, douche. An elevator that has no controls. I'd just like to imagine I'm just standing in the elevator. Yeah, I don't have this. Wonka?

You'll get to control the factory if we survive this. Is this a test? Because we're going to die, Wonka. What do I... I guess fuck both of us. We're dead. You know what messes me up about the end of that is that Willy Wonka's like, do you know what happened to the boy who got everything, Charlie? And Charlie's like, what?

And he's like, he lived happily ever after. That's not a good lesson. That's just like, what's he saying to him? I don't understand. Again, I think he's to him? I don't understand. Again, I think he's just brainwashing a child. That was like legitimate sadness and distress in your eyes.

It's real. It freaks me out. Maybe it's the world that brainwashes everyone and Willy Wonka's the one who's not brainwashing. That's the point. What? Deep, but didn't make any sense. Wonka's plumbing the death stuff. What? Oh, deep, but didn't make any sense. Walk into a pub in the death star.

What do you mean? Maybe everyone else is getting twisted and Willy Wonka's the one happy person who's teaching you to... What is the lesson? He doesn't seem happy. He seems stressed. He seems sad. I haven't thought this through, but crazy.

Nobody learns a lesson, really, in Willy Wonka. If somebody dies, they've not learned a lesson. That's what Mr. Saw doesn't understand. Jigsaw? Mr. Saw. If I'm killed for being a bad lawyer, I didn't like, oh man, I'll be a good lawyer now. I'm just dead. The whole thing is you're meant to choose between death

and losing a limb or something, but learning a lesson, and no one ever learns a lesson because they're too busy dying. Well, I guess maybe that's different, but Willy Wonka is like, well, if you weren't greedy, you wouldn't be drowning right now. Well, I mean, yeah, again, in Saw, it different, but Willy Wonka is like, well, if you weren't greedy, you wouldn't be drowning right now. Well, I mean, yeah, again, in Saw, it's the same thing. It's like, well, if you weren't a lawyer,

you wouldn't be in this Saw trap right now. Yeah, yeah. You're like, you're just setting them up. You're setting them up, Willy Wonka, to watch them fall. Yeah. Imagine the fallout that Charlie has to deal with. Anybody ever thought of that?

Well, I always imagined that Charlie's a patsy. For what? For Wonka. So that, what do you mean? Show For what? For Wonka. So that... What do you mean? Show you're working. Wonka kills all these children. He's like, well, I didn't run this factory.

That's you. Anyway, bye. So you're like... He's like, I'm going to make sure that these kids have a great tour. And it's going to be so good. And then he sees Augusta's gloop full. He's like, shit. Okay, I've got to have a backup plan.

It's like after the Oompa Loompa incident where all of these children are now Oompa Loompas I got no more like one of these kids has got to be the fall guy that's great it's great all right we'll keep it to her and one of them will be this it'll be great the other one dead

all right shit shit shit shit and like he's just like he's a real good improver he's just on the fly being like I got this I got this so Charlie has to deal with the amount of contaminated chocolate that Augustus Goop caused.

Yep. Which will tank the chocolate. 100%. That's all his chocolate. Wonka bars are gone. That batch there is gone. That'll take maybe a week to refill. Yeah, he's got to deal with the death of five children.

Four children. He's got to come to terms with the fact that Grandpa Joe's a cunt. Yeah. Which is like, that's more inner turmoil, I guess. Like, wow,

my grandpa sucks. That's the thing I wasn't expecting to learn today. He's also got to now be in charge of our people. Yeah. Yep. The Oompa Loomps. How old's Joey? 12?

Oh, he's like 10. Yeah. I really want to just reiterate that Wonka stole the people. Well, he says they came willingly, but. Well,

in, in, in the Depp version, he basically is like, oh, I pay them in cocoa beans. Oh, God. Man, that's not odd. There are laws to prevent that. Yeah.

He's liable for more than just the children, by the sound of it. Yeah. It's really weird, because in the Depp version, they're all played by the same character, whose name is Deep Roy. That's a good name. They're basically a tribal group. He's like, alright, why don't you come for me and work for me, basically.

And they're like, sick, we love the Cocoa Pregants, we'll do anything for one. And then there's a scene where he's lying after Charlie's like, I don't want to leave my family. Take your fucking factory. Shut up your ass. Fuck off, you crazy bastard. Charlie's rude. Yeah, he's very rude.

He's lying there and he's just talking to an Oompa Loompa who's dressed in a suit as a psychoanalyst. But Wonka would have had to have taken these guys from their village and put him in a suit and teach him what psycho analysis is. Did that Oompa Loompa go

to college is the question. Yes. That's a movie I want to see. And then there's another moment where there's a couple of them dressed in a pink kind of work frock and they're like secretary. What is going on there? Because Wonka... Those guys don't have that. They came from a tribe.

Is Wonka just imposing what he believes should be happening? Yes. So you're doing secretarial work. You need to wear this pink dress. I don't. Why? I don't know. Why is he doing this? Is it the kind of thing where he's like, hey, everybody, come on down. I'll give you cocoa

beans and you work for me. And everyone's like, oh, that sounds like not a great deal, but we'll do it for some reason. And then he gets there and he's like, and you can't leave. Like they're imprisoned, basically, yeah. The Oompa Loompas in the first one certainly are, because you never see an Oompa Loompa just in the street in plain clothes. You never see a plain clothes Oompa Loompa.

No. Well, technically they're probably illegal immigrants, so whether it's England or America, they probably can't leave. So I guess when you look at it, he's not really liable for any of the kids that, well, this time, that died. Except for maybe Augustus, right? Yeah. I'm still team Augustus.

What the fuck? That's not a Wonka. It's a dumb move on Augustus. But what about Willy Wonka's social responsibility to all the people and children of the world by making basically all this chocolate? And now we just got a whole nation world of fat cunts. Is Willy Wonka to blame for childhood obesity?

That's the question that I am putting to the table. Slugworth, he makes chocolate too. Chocolate exists outside of Wonka. That's a far larger question you're asking. Slugworth works for Wonka, yeah? Yeah.

But Slugworth has his own company. No, no, no, that was like an act that he... Okay, phew, thank God. I was stranded for a moment there. I was panicking. That would have been too much. You can't be like working for your rival. That's just bizarre.

But yes, no, I suppose he's contributing to childhood obesity, I guess. But is he in the same way every other chocolate manufacturer is? But he kind of makes this like a huge epidemic. Like, because he's like, all right, there are five tickets only. And then there's this huge spike in sales. Actually, that's another thing Charlie has to deal with. No real life company has ever done a competition for anything. Competitions only exist in fictional universes.

You're 100% right. Is that Monopoly backers? No. Imagine this. Imagine this, right? We get swept up in Wonka Mania. It hits us, right? And we want that golden Wonka mania. It's us, right? And we want that golden ticket,

so we eat copious amounts of chocolate. And then, just at the moment that Charlie is given the chocolate factory, we're like, more chocolate? No, thank you. Can you imagine the plummeting sales of Willy Wonka? I like that you're eating all the chocolate. We're like, Jack, you could just unwrap it.

No, no. Wasteful. But also, that's a very good point. And Wonka bails after those sales and gives the company to Charlie. So Wonka gets... Genius! Wonka not only murders five children and then passes that responsibility to Charlie, the business is all

of a sudden failing. Because basically he would have sold out all his stocks at a high, yeah? Yeah, yeah, of course. Because surely the Wonka stocks would have gone real high. That's a crime. That is a crime. I'm pretty sure it's a private company, I think.

Potentially, yeah. One of the Oompa Loompas is really handsome. I'm re-watching it again and I'm like, oh my God, there's an Oompa Loompa in this that will just treat me right. Like the long face? Yeah, yeah. He's a babe. I'm like, what the hell face? Yeah, yeah. He's a babe.

I'm like, what the hell? What happened to him? Sexy ass Oompa Loompa doing the song. I only noticed it on the rewatch, but I'm like, damn, that's one fine ass Oompa Loompa. All right. Another and another thing. So this isn't really touched upon upon in the rest of the film. It's just in the one scene.

Yeah. Where it's a flashback of Grandpa Joe working for the factory. So it's in the depth version. Yeah. And Grandpa Joe is like, Wonka, got some bad news. We're out of chocolate birds. And Wonka's like, oh, we just have to make more of them. And he grabs an egg.

I got an impression. And Lex Luthor style plops it in Grandpa Joe's mouth. Oh. And Grandpa's like, and then he opens his mouth and out pops a bird that moves and flaps its

wings. And it's never addressed again. Well, he created chocolate life. With Grandpa Joe. With Grandpa Joe. Was it Grandpa Joe's saliva that was like the womb? It was more like an incubator. With Grandpa Joe. With Grandpa Joe. Was it Grandpa Joe's saliva that was like the womb? It was more like an incubator. So, yes.

So Grandpa Joe's the mother, I guess. Imagine a whole line of people who just have little birds incubating in their mouths to give to the children. So that chocolate bird would have probably imprinted on Grandpa Joe. And then he probably would have ate it. Eat your young, that's fine.

Eat your babies, Jack. God, I feel like the whole thing is just a front for something else. It can't just only be to make chocolate for children. There are too many things in there that a child wouldn't want. Like the gum. No kid wants that.

What kid is like sweet potatoes? If you're at the fucking candy store and they're like, here's a chocolate bar and here's a gum that tastes like mashed potatoes, I would choose the chocolate. Well, I might choose the mashed potato, but a child would choose the chocolate. I don't know. Because the same reason that crazy flavored jelly beans are super interesting.

Someone's like, oh, this one's going to taste like spew. Oh, it tastes like spew. I'm like, oh, this is going to taste like mash. I guess it does. Yeah, it does pretty good. I like mash. Yeah, it's alright. Mash is good. Might have some potatoes when I get home. I just feel every single one,

every single candy that Wonka has, it just has applications for a military setting. Yeah, I agree. Absolutely. Even the bird that hatches. It could be a spider. Well, you're making birds. Why not make soldiers that incubate in the mouths of others? That, like, shoot little exploding bullets.

Exactly. What's to stop that happening? Hello, Nazi boy. Eat this. And out pops a few shots. Teleportation, but tiny. Imagine if instead of Mike TV, it was a bomb. A tiny bomb.

I mean, it's a good way to blow up everyone's TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's on the Wonka channel? Tick, tick, tick. Right. What is that like? Attention, Nazis, at approximately 7.35, turn on your TV.

We have a news announcement. It could be a nuclear bomb, then it doesn't matter if it's little. People are still getting radiated. That's true. Or it could be to destroy propaganda. He's a good guy again. He might be a good guy for the Nazis. Ally propaganda.

A good guy. It's longer TV. I mean, I'm guessing he's sending it to like allied TV. Yeah. There's your TV gone. No more Western propaganda for you. No one knows who to fight anymore because they can't see it on TV. What other candidates does he make?

Help me remember. He makes the everlasting gobstopper, which obviously you can just suck forever. Soft drink that makes you float. Heaps of military applications. Glug, glug, glug. Gum that makes you a plum. What? Oh, right.

That's simply just like... It's an accident, though, as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, the reason I was confused is I thought you were going to say plumber. You're like, gum that makes you plum? And in my head I'm like, uh? Yes.

Go on, douche. That's simply just rations because it's a three-course meal in a very tiny little package. I mean, it doesn't have the nutrients, but like fucking soldiers back in World War II were given garbage anyway. Yeah, they were given crackers. Yeah, so like a gum that tastes like a three-course meal is absolutely amazing. Golden eggs? Dick wallpaper? Okay, now our theory is absolutely amazing. Golden eggs. Dick wallpaper. Okay, now our theory is falling apart.

Golden eggs. Help the war effort and buy war bonds. Yes. Dick wallpaper. Dick wallpaper to distract the nun. Diet like scum. Twig and plumberry. Ohberry. Twig and plumberry. Ooh, that twig and plumberry.

Yeah, it tastes like twigs. Well, wallpaper is the kind of thing, hey, you know, you've got people in a siege, there's no food, you put it up in the nursery, the kids can eat. Funny enough, yes, this is a bit of a history lesson,

but in order to... Go on. I'm too excited by that in World in the World War 1 with the trenches and stuff they actually set up rooms downstairs

and they'd actually put up wallpaper in all the rooms so they wouldn't sleep at night so they could taste their hometown dick while they were

sleeping that's where that was going I just realised tell me where you're from again Jones, Michigan Michigan dick for this room

just like home George just like home Tell me where you're from again, Jones. Michigan. Michigan dick for this room. Just like home, Sarge. Just like home. Thank you for your war efforts. Now eat dick. There are some strange things happening in the trenches. Sarge is like, well, I'm from Michigan. We'll never understand the wars.

Exactly. It's a mystery. So I think when it really all comes down to it, I don't think Wonka's that liable. He's not a good person, but he's not liable legally. Like maybe the death of one child. Just one. That's nothing. And one out of five ain't bad.

So comparatively that's alright. That's a pretty good odds. Statistically speaking, it happens to all of us. Statistically speaking, you take five children into the death trap that is the Wonka factory. Frankly, it's a miracle only four die. You know what? Maybe he's the hero after all. Yeah.

I mean, they were bad kids. Yeah. Hey, that's good. And not just bad kids, bad parents. Yeah, absolutely. Most of the parents died as well, but not all. This is starting to sound like a cleanse, which is starting to lean heavily into it. And not just bad kids, bad parents. Yeah, absolutely. Most of the parents died as well, but not all. This is starting to sound like a cleanse, which is... So they have that beautiful song of Whose Fault Is It,

and they clearly state mother and father. Especially with Augustus Gloop. Who makes him fat? Mom and dad. I think that's how the rhyme goes. They're brats. You know, we talked about a room for rapping earlier But actually there probably would need to be a room For the Oompa Loompas to rehearse their

Mean songs about fat children And their choreography Later on we're going to sing that song But there's a fat kid there So I think he's going to drown So we're going to come up with a song about him Do you reckon they've just got a whole bunch of reams of notes Being like okay he's fat. I reckon

he's gonna die in the pool. So, alright. You guys got anything for it? One Oompa Loompa in the corner being like Oompa Loompa doopity da. We'll give it away with that bit. Oompa Loompa doopity dat. Is that too on the nose? You know at the end of every Oompa Loompa song they're like, why don't you be good or happy

or thin just like the Oompa Loompas do? It's weird. All of their songs are like, we're perfect. Why are you a race of people comparing yourself to the children? Unless they were themselves once children who were like, well, we've been cleansed. I learned a lesson. If we go for the brainwash theory, which seems very plausible. I'm a fan of it.

They're basically like, you should be perfect like us. Yeah. Because we were you at one point, and we went through a cleansing ritual of eating a pumpkin pie, dessert, gum. This is stressful because it's very, very much aligned with what you said earlier on. What, Nazi? Yeah. And so we are the master. They're the Wonka Youth.

The Wonka Youth. And they are the Wonka Youth. The Wonka Youth. And they are the Wonka Race. Yes. Oh, no. I told you. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel.

I've been George. And thank you very much for coming out to a very live Plumbing the Death Star. A very live episode. Fuck was this episode live? Sure, fucking live. More live than it's ever been 3D Smell-O-Vision There is no life I know

to compare with your imagination Living there you'll be free with your imagination living there you'll be free if you truly wish to be

thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows

you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps! And if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever.

Kisses.