Plumbing the Death Star - How Long Would You Last in the Last of Us?

Episode Date: February 26, 2023

Oh no! Didn’t you hear? That mushroom that wrecks ant lives is now wrecking ours! Throw that sloppy burger on the ground, pick through it for only the meat bits (and maybe some lettuce) while we try and figure how long we’d last in this clicker infested wasteland that is the Last of Us. Jackson wants to entertain the people with a five step plan that involves finding a dead clown, Zammit also wants to entertain the people but without a dead clown and more ego and JD joins the fireflies just for something to do. So jump in that working truck a dear uncle gave us and avoid getting bricked in the back of the head, we have circuses and Blockbusters to raid!Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

you're listening to the sans pants network hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star i'm joel i'm jackson and i'm also joel and today we are asking the important questions because this is a podcast that asks the important questions like how long would you last in The Last of Us. Hey, before we start, spoilers for the game The Last of Us, and maybe spoilers for the TV show. We recorded this one a few weeks ago and honestly don't know if they will stay 100 true to the source material but maybe so if you're the kind of person that only cares about the destination and couldn't give two shits about

the journey wait until you finish the game and or the tv show to listen to this one i don't know if you're aware but there's a video game called the Last of Us and they made it into a show. What? They did. Yeah. It's good. For the what and the what. For the PlayStation 3,

PlayStation 4, and now recently remade for the PlayStation 5 and also on HBO. For the television. By HBO for the television. Home cinema. Sometimes they make movies

for stuff other than the TV. Well, it's not a movie. It's a TV cinema. Sometimes they make movies for stuff other than the TV. Well, it's not a movie. It's a TV series. When have they made a television show for not the TV? There's Quibi. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Like Quibi or something. Maybe they made webisodes for the iPod back in the day.

Webisodes aren't made for TV, but they're webisodes. Yeah, that is true. That's like, have you ever made a webisode for television? Sometimes it would have happened backwards. Who was it that made a movie for just nobody and it was just like, it's gonna be

in a vault for like a hundred years and you can't see it. Some guy. Fuck. I can't remember the director, but some fucking guys were in fucking guys Some fucking guys Like a Michelle Rodriguez Yeah It's like some

Some poor people Are in the movie Yeah We'll just have to see We'll see it when we're older Nah we'll be dead We'll be dead You may be

You may be listening out there If you're quite young Yeah yeah You might get to see this movie You're one of the Plummy the Death Star babies Yeah yeah yeah yeah Out there listening Maybe you'll get

to see it one day. Anyway, so in The Last of Us, the TV show and the game, what happened? Well, okay, so in the TV series I can't remember the exact time period for the game, but in the TV series in September

2003, there is a spoiled batch of flour that is used to make a whole bunch of products that's shipped worldwide. Shrooms got into the food chain, and now they're going into us. Basically, fungus evolved so that it could, because obviously- Because cordyceps already does this to ants. Yeah, but they can't currently survive in a human body because the human body

is too hot so cordyceps it's a mushroom it's a fungus it's kind of like I'm going to go and take over an ant and then you're going

to be like ant fuck up your life and go stand into the open field get ate by a bug or ate by a bird

and then we're going to spread out. And then the bird shits. Dude, I would love to do that. Brother, got your back. No worries. Say less. Brother, say less. Say less. I'll do it myself. You don't even need to get in me.

Just ride on top. Brother, I'm happy to. Leave my wife and go get ate by a bird. Cody snaps. This is a bit intense for me. I hate my ant kids. This is unreal. Why couldn't I have gotten a regular ant?

I hate this guy. Dude, you need to beat my bird? Yes! That's awesome. I've always wanted to be in a bird. And then I guess the bird shits it out and finds more ant and history repeats itself. Yeah, history famously repeats

itself. That's the life cycle of cordyceps. Is it only ants or is it other animals? I don't know if this is cordyceps, but there's a thing that can happen to snails where they get some parasite in them and their eyes go like glowy colors. It's like a disco in their brain.

And they do the same thing. They go on a big leaf and get eaten by a bird. Well, isn't it like a bit of a hypothesis about the, I think it's not fungus, but it's parasite. The one that's in cat shit and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the idea is it goes into a mouse or a rat and it's kind of like, hey, fuck up your life. Just fuck up your life. Just fuck up your life. Go harass a big cat.

Oh, yeah, I will. That sounds awesome, dude. I love harassing the big cat. Say less. Say less, brother. Say less. Don't get ate by a cat. Are you kidding me?

I hate my rat wife and rat kids. A chance to get out of the house and maybe die? It's good to get out of the house. That's what every rat's thinking. It A chance to get out of the house and maybe die? It's good to get out of the house. That's what every rat's thinking. It's good to get out of the house. It makes rats more reckless. And there's the prevailing theory that there's a lot of humans who are also infected. And so if you have a cat, it makes you a bit more reckless as well.

Makes you want to get eaten by a cat. Makes you want to get eaten by a cat. Isn't it also like that's part of that kind of domestication theory thing of cats were never domesticated, but basically we've been domesticated by them? We've been parricided, basically. Yeah, because cats are sacks of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As another cat owner, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! I live with a cat, it's not mine, but yeah, I agree.

It's an enigmatic statement, which I like I live with a cat, it's not mine knowing nothing about your living situation from the outside what's going on in there? who should his house meet? is it a cat? isn't that a prevailing theory as well?

I know what's the parasite that's basically in shit? And it kind of went away when we developed plumbing. Yeah. And there are people with, like, IBS and sort of stomach issues that a weird treatment is to actually get infected. Is that when they put, like, a shit implant? Not a transpusion. That's a different thing.

That's for, like, flora in, like, your body. Oh, yeah, gut flora and stuff. Doctor, don't put shit in me. Shoot me. That's a different thing That's for like Flora in like Your body Oh yeah Gut flora and stuff But there's like a person Doctor don't put shit in me Shoot me That's what I'd say I can't do that I'm a doctor

Hippocratic oath bitch Fuck But there's like this idea Of like I have like I had to leave At IBS or whatever So it's like

I went to like a place That I don't have That plumbing Which is like six Six feet down That's coffins Whatever Yeah And so he's like He took off his like shoes and walked around and

got infected and he's like and now i'm fine and so i guess some people in like wait when we did we evolve for that to be in us well i mean isn't it like so much of our gut shit anyway is foreign entities basically like the vast majority of the microbes and stuff that live in us aren't part of us. They just evolved so they could only live in us. We've entered dangerous territory that we sometimes enter in Plumbing the Death Star, which is confidently saying scientific facts that we believe we've read. And even worse, these are close medical adjacents.

There's doctors out there who are like, I wish I didn't have the Hippocratic Oath I'd love to kill Plum in the Death Star but they are my patients as is every human on the world

on earth so I can't do anything I can't harm them I'd like to just take a leave for about six months how long do I have to leave before the Hippocratic Oath

doesn't count wears off is it an oath I'm a working doctor? It ends when I retire? Quit? Quit? Take leave?

Take leave? I should take a leave. Holiday. Basically, there's three boys I need to hurt. I'm intending to hunt man. As you can imagine, that will impact my medical career. Fair enough.

So, okay. The tips to surviving the Last of Us apocalypse. What's the tips and tricks? What are we trying not to do? Because it just seems like a regular apocalypse, but the zombies are fungus men. So I'm trying to figure out what's the extra steps. I think the biggest difference between surviving in, say, game world and television world is that in game world, there's spores.

And that's how they like transfer which i feel harder to survive oh my god yeah whereas if i have to remember to put on a mask like a gas mask i won't remember i i'll be looking around at you guys with your gas masks on and being like what did i forget yeah you assume automatically you're wearing one gesturing to your face like dude do i have shit on my face no dude dude dude what dude oh shit that's right the fungus um yeah i mean like in the game as well getting bitten also turns okay yeah yeah sure sure so it's like regular zombie rules okay but there's also like spores in the game and in the tv series it's a like tentacle mycelia well Well, basically, it's just a more advanced bite. It's like a special bite and a normal bite.

It's a bite or like a make-out bite with tentacles. Okay. Here's the next question. How do you make a living in this world? So what are we doing day to day? Okay, so there's quarantine zones that got set up immediately. So basically,

world government kicked in straight away, basically. Made some questionable decisions, like shooting people that aren't sick. And then also bombing a lot of places. Oh, yeah. That's expanded on in the television series. They bring in a specialist who's like, hey, we just noticed this person's full of fungus. You're a fungus doctor? Yeah, you're a kind person and a fungus doctor.

How do we cure them? And they say, well, did they get bit? Or like, where's the other person? Like, we don't know. Who's patient zero? And they're just like, whoo. And they're like, okay, what you need to do is you need to bomb Jakarta. Just blow it up.

Yeah. Oh. And I think they bombed certain parts of I guess the United States Oh yeah they bombed Yeah So you set up quarantine zones Then there's like They basically fortify cities

Yeah They've invented a thing That just tests to see If people are infected Oh okay And if you are infected Yeah Shot in the head

Yeah Can it also Fuck up like A cow's day A bomb No Mushrooms I don't think a bomb

Would fuck up a cow's day I disagree No because a cow's done? A bomb? No. Mushrooms. I don't think a bomb would fuck up a cow's day. I disagree. No, because a cow's done so it doesn't even... Like if I stabbed a cow in the side it would fuck up it would not eat that.

But it would fuck up the cow's day. If you bomb a cow the cow just goes. Yeah, but does that mean you think that the cow isn't aware of being alive?

Well, no. It's so quick for the cow. You don't think if a cow sees an explosion in the... So, okay. Oh, wait, no. Okay, explosion the cow. You don't think if a cow sees an explosion in the distance... Oh, wait, no, okay. Explosion in the distance, the cow has a brief second to be like, I thought we were bombing the cow directly. What, putting a grenade under a cow?

Like, I've been given the job of bombing Jakarta and I get to pick where we're aiming. Oh, that cow. Because it's like, oh, no, you fucked up his day. Because the cow's facing ahead It doesn't know Yeah The cow hears a And it's like

What's coming But it can't look up What? Cows can look up Can a cow look up? Yes From straight ahead To like that

To like directly vertical Not directly vertical I don't think a cow Would see a bomb Coming down on top of it I can do that But it hurts my neck Because my body's fucked I don't think a cow would see a bomb coming down on top of it. I can do that, but it hurts my neck because my body's fucked. I don't think a cow could look up.

That aside, you still fucked up what I was asking. Do the mushrooms... I don't think animals are affected. Although, you don't ever see that. Yeah, they should be. Because they're just... I mean, like, it's... Unless it's like, maybe it's the...

I don't know if animals have different body temperatures to us probably some do but like maybe it's the kind of thing where they're a cold-blooded lizard what does that mean well I guess

in the game sorry in the TV series it makes sense for the animals not to be affected because it's in flour yeah we eat it

yeah then a wolf eats us yeah pardon then a wolf eats us a wolf eats us. Pardon? Then a wolf eats us. A wolf eats us. Yeah.

But then we're all, our tasty meat has been replaced by fungus. So a wolf wouldn't want to eat us. And then also with the fungus, it's like the fungus, they established that the fungus kind of knows what it's doing. Yeah. And dogs do hate it.

Yeah. Oh, dogs hate the phone so maybe they just it just hasn't happened like they've avoided it for so long but yeah i'm just trying to think so you're right what do we do in this society so i was like well we gotta eat yeah so i'm like well like flour and like that has been affected and i mean assuming that you're trying to still like you know get bread and that kind of stuff. But you've got to make sure it's not been fucked up. So there is that kind of like bread, grains, vegetables, those kind of things. But I'm like, what about the meat side of stuff?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you still eat cow? Can I get a cow, chickens? There is meat, but it is rare. I don't know. Yeah. You know, there's like Frank does like the whole compound. He's got chickens.

Yeah, yeah. Bill does the whole compound. Bill does the compound. Yeah, yeah. Bill does the whole compound. Bill does the compound. Where are you going to get chickens from? Bill. Okay. Bill hates everyone. He does.

Yeah. He's shot when trying to enter the compound to steal. Also, I don't know, how do you steal chickens? Why am I stealing chickens? Oh, you're just taking them. You're buying them from them. Fair enough. I'm just like establishing like if I can, you know, raise chickens, but then will they eventually get like got by the fungus?

No, I think you can raise chickens like pretty much like a regular farm life is possible. Well, I say regular. I mean, in a Waldorf city. Do they have entertainment in the Waldorf cities? There's guitars. Can I do a bit of stand up? You can try. You can try.

A couple jokes About our situation I mean You don't want to go too hard Into leaning into the Jokes about the situation Because they'll just Simply let you outside

Yeah true Yeah You gotta really Thread that needle Of like It's funny But also not like And now I'm reminding you

Of all the like Loved ones we lost Yeah Well I would say There would be An avenue for humor. Yeah. Like in every society.

You got a lot. You got little gallows, humor, some kind of- We'll say that a trade that we see a lot of in both the game and the TV series,

and it seems like everyone's got their finger in their pie, is your dream job, Jackson, a smuggler. Oh! I can smuggle.

Well, this time you can smuggle by foot Yeah that's great What are they smuggling? Lots of things Guns, food, batteries, people Bombs Bombs

Who are they smuggling them against? I mean through and past the government Right? Government runs the quarantine zones, and the Fireflies are like a rebel alliance kind of situation, except not like in Star Wars. I called them rebel alliance, but they're not the good guys. They're just another guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're trying to find a cure, which the government are also trying to do. Everyone's trying to find a cure. It's fine trying to find a cure. That could be a job. That's a good job. I can figure it out. The lifespan, depending on where you work, is a rough one.

Oh, not great. Not great. But, you know, that's a noble cause. It's risky. It's risky and, I guess, morally dubious. But then again, what else are you going to do? Yeah, absolutely. Hey, the morals are going out the window.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Maybe I'd do, like, a circus. Well, I was thinking if I could. No, no, no, no, no, absolutely. Hey, the marbles are going out the window. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Maybe I'd do like a circus. Well, I was thinking if I could. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, all right. Before we actually. You know what?

Yeah. In the world of. Define circus for the longest. I'll give you five steps for my plan. Yep. Five steps. Okay. Step one, go to a zoo.

Okay. There is a pivotal moment of the last of us game. I know, in the last of his game Where they go to a zoo No they don't go to a No I never got to winter So

I never accounted this part of the game They meet a giraffe Yeah but I think it's just I don't think that's a zoo Either way Maybe it is a zoo Maybe I'm double Anyway

Maybe you're double Yeah maybe Because I was in a DLC right No I was in the main game How did I miss it There's a big You chat to a giraffe

I know How did I miss it I finished the game This is an When you spoke to the giraffe Did I There's no giraffe I don't remember this

Did you skip cutscenes Hey giraffe No cause I was invested I'm not him It's not even part of a cutscene You walk up to it Like it's Can you miss it

Probably If you don't Like if you try. No, there is a cut scene to start it. He's like, holy shit. Yeah, okay. But then you'd think, yeah. It's a short cut scene.

Maybe I do remember it. I mean, I can just say I remember stuff too. Yeah, I remember that. No, I'm looking at it now and I'm seeing it as a picture and I'm like, oh. Yeah, you're on like the second level of a building or a balcony and there's two giraffes. That's a very brief interaction with said giraffe. Is it at a zoo? Can you find that out?

I mean, there will be zoos, but like, it's just if we have a zoo, that's more. All right, I'm going to Google the last of us zoo. Yeah, that's a good idea. So, now they encounter a herd in Salt Lake City of giraffes. Yeah, there's signs. Okay, so what you might be getting confused for is there City of giraffes. Yeah. There's signs. Okay. So what you might be getting confused for is there's signs for zoos.

Yeah. And they have a picture of giraffes. So I think Ali might comment on the giraffe. Okay. I was just thinking, but actually this is an important question. So we don't see dogs get affected by the cornice. No. Because dogs are available to also buy. Yes.

So dogs seem immune. Yeah. Okay. But chimpanzees. Looking it up. Deer is also apparently. You can get a deer. also bi, so dogs seem immune. Yeah, okay. But chimpanzees? Look it up. Deer is also apparently... Because a chimp is closer to us than a dog. Seeing like a

chimp clicker is terrifying. Scary. But if I can bring a chimp into one of the cities... Dude, that's the start of a circus. Yeah, or outbreak. That is also a possibly out of brand new contagion. Dude, that's the start of a circus. Yeah, or outbreak. Possibly added brand new contagion. Don't get bit by him.

He is sick. But he's not sick with the fungus disease. He's just a regular rabies. Hey, great news. The game answers your question. Chimps don't get as infected as humans, but do get infected, and there's a recording of a firefly being bitten by an infected monkey, and Joel's like, geez, I'm glad we're not

dealing with that. Come back to me with a monkey in a cloud costume smuggling into the city. If dogs aren't infected, chimpanzees won't be. Your chimp is frothing at the mouth. It's makeup! He has some milk before.

Spoiled, maybe. I gave him spoiled milk before the journey. Now get out, Bojangles, and dance for the people. Sounds like he's trying to talk. It does a bit. Slightly concerning. So it doesn't, yeah, it seems, apart from chips, other animals seem that they are maybe immune

because there's horses and zebras and stuff. Yeah, there's a lot more animals in the last of his part, too. But then also, that's set a bit after, you know, like 10 years or something. Time is fast. I think it's five. Yeah. Okay, well, I can't.

Damn, my circus plan's falling apart. Also, would I survive? No. What about a mini circus? Okay. With rats. Rat circus? Yeah.

Can I train rats? No. Give it enough time. And also... I was just thinking of adding some levity. But what animals... Because circus often just has horses and shit. Yeah. So you could have a horse. Well, I guess here's what I was thinking of adding some levity. No, but like what animals, because circus often just has like horses and shit. Yeah.

So like you could have a horse. Well, I guess here's what I was thinking. You said I can't train a horse, but seeing a chimpanzee. You think you could train a chimpanzee? No, no, no. No, no, no. God, no. But seeing a chimpanzee would be a novelty for these people.

Yeah. So that's kind of circus enough is what I was thinking. But if you can't train it, what's your plan? You've got, okay. You're dressed as a clown. No, you're dressed as a clown. That's when I die. Wait till it's asleep.

Wait till it's asleep. Try and pull on the baggy pants. Get my neck snapped. Okay, okay. Yeah, are you a traveling circus? No, well, that seems risky. Yeah. Okay, there Are you a traveling circus? No, well, that seems risky Yeah Okay, there's a hurdle

The hurdle is getting the chimpanzee dressed like a clown and sedated The hurdle is Step one, get a chimpanzee Step two, find a dead clown Don't have the clothes to start with. And I bet there's heaps of dead clowns at the circus. I've got to...

Hang on. Step one, find a chimpanzee. Step two, find a circus. Step three, find a dead clown. Step four, put the chimpanzee in the clown costume. I've got to find a dead clown that the clothes will fit that chimp. Okay. Step five, tailor the clown clothes to fit the chimp.

It's become more than five steps. Step six, go back to the compound. Yeah. Display the chimp for money or goods or food. This is the first time. It's like a hurdles event where as the runners are walking out to the track to set up, they've just set up hurdles there too. Because you've tripped over all of those hurdles

before you even got to the start line. Why don't you dress another animal up as a clown? It's not as good, is it? Have you ever seen a horse clown? What other animal are you dressing up? I'm going to go find a big dead clown. Come on, dude. All right, let's say somehow...

Let's work through it. You've stumbled across this zoo, you've found a chimpanzee, it's not infected. Yes. That wouldn't have been a deal-breaker. I would say maybe go to a... try and find a circus first, because chances are that circus might already have a trained

chimp. If I'm very lucky, I might find a chimp already dressed like a clown that knows how to smoke a cigar. How are you getting- Hang on. How long has it been since this chimp hasn't had a cigar? I know. I bring a pack of cigars just in case. That's how you lure everything out.

You're just holding a cigar in front of you. I hold it out and the chimp flips first. And then I light it and I the chimp flips first. Yes! And then I light it and I just drag him into my truck. Your truck? Locked it back. I learned to drive. Where'd you get the truck from?

I inherited it from an uncle of mine. Car batteries are very hard to get in the last years. Yeah, I was very lucky. Very lucky. I was very lucky. I inherited an old truck from a dear uncle of mine. With a working car battery. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. He died in his sleep peacefully, too. And on his deathbed, he said, you are my favorite nephew. Please have my working truck with a working car battery. And he said, you find that chimpanzee, Jackson Bailey. Sir, all Bailey. Sir. You entertain these people. Follow my dream.

It was his dream. You're right. You inherited the truck and the dream. But even then, like, you have a truck in a quarantine zone. Yeah. Well, getting it back in with the chimpanzees. First off, getting out of the quarantine zone. No, getting out is going to be hard. It's a quarantine zone.

It's a quarantine zone. Okay. Well, maybe I... You have to smuggle. Basically, to get out, you have to smuggle yourself out. I don't know how you're going to do that with a truck. Okay. And then to get in, you have to smuggle yourself back in.

Well, can I sign up for any, I don't know, scouting job or any kind of, I don't know. I think they sort of post that because like scavenging and stuff. Yeah, I mean, scavenging and scouting is definitely a career you could go. Yeah. Well, yeah. So I say, oh, I'm scavenging. I'm out scouting. Yeah.

Okay. You're still on the team, buddy. Yeah. No, but that's how I get the truck out. Nevermind. No, no, no. I say I'm out scouting. Gotcha.

They say, oh, okay. Good luck with the scouting. Oh, Jackson's not returned. He's dead. A couple of weeks later, I come back. I say I didn't find much, but I did find this chimpanzee dressed as a clown. Like what your uncle always

was looking for. Come back in. They say that belongs to the whole facility now, not just you. But you're going to be like, well, something's looking after this chimp. I'll be the chimp's mind, though. I'll be the chimp's carer. But then also, take it into quarantine zone. If word has spread about the fact that chimps can get infected, that chimp's getting a bullet

in its brain straight away. They test the chimp. They test the chimp. Does it work on a chimp? Oh, sure. So we're doing studies on chimps to see if they can get infected. If it works on us, it'd work on a chimp. Yeah.

Famously. Exactly the same. What, you think they're going to just Surely if it works on us, it'd work on a chimp. Yeah! Famously. Exactly the same. Well, you think they're going to just shoot the chimp instead of risking it? Yes. Well, they'd probably put the chimp in a quarantine zone. Well, what's quarantine? You're in a quarantine zone.

As in like a quarantine with the quarantine. What'd they do with Ellie? And then they're like, count backwards from 10, chimp. Put your arms out. Ellie is different because Ellie's smuggled in by the Fireflies. At no point is she in the hands of the government because they would just shoot her. Well, maybe I'll have to make a deal with the Fireflies then. Okay.

To get the chip. What have you got that they want? Okay, straight away, your uncle's truck is becoming the Firefly problem. Your uncle's truck is, whoo. They can have it once I get the chip in. That'll be the deal I strike. Yeah. Dude, I want The Last of of us but it's me and a chimp The last of chimp

The chimp of us Okay you've pitched why the last man Well done Except there's zombies now Yeah there's clickers The chimp will not defend me It will run away Also a clicker will kill a chimp straight away

Because clicker's blind But very sensitive hearing Chimp's loud If you tell me to shh I can be quiet If we tell you to shh Or a chimp Yeah clickers will be

Because you'll be like Okay And then you'll all of a sudden be like tapping your foot or jumping yeah hey guys when you said like shoes did you say like you mean quiet or silence yes i can do one i cannot do the other one and it's neither because yeah you'll be uh i like to imagine me in the gym and i'm like and he just goes and bites my hand. And I just have to cry silently. Not say anything while the clicker passes us.

Staring into the chimp's eyes. I will hit you with a rock when that clicker goes by. So, coming back in with bandaged hands. What happened out there? Chimp bit me heaps. And they shook you because you got bit. By a chimp? Yeah, but they're not going to take the risk.

You're not going to test me. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Maybe I have chimp diseases like Zama was saying from contagion. I don't know. But I don't have the clicker illness. Yeah.

He doesn't have fungus. He's just got, yeah. I don't have the fungus disorder. I'm just very sick with chimp diseases so yeah like

there is yes you could do it to Tabor and I guess you could go and try it like how you're like one track mind of chimp get the chimp

bring the chimp back and all my problems well no because your story ends with the chimp dying of a gunshot wound to the skull in your arms. I was thinking, because you're right, what feasible skills do I have? None.

But I reckon I could pull a Kevin Costner postman style and just reenact plays, i.e. movies, poorly remembered. That's good. That is good entertainment. And I don't need a horse. I mean, he's more entertaining when he does it with say a mule Yeah yeah But I could you know Do it with my good friends

Yeah yeah yeah We could be your mule Yeah Does entertainment still exist? Yeah Surely Physical media Because it's not like a physical

It's not like there is like a Nuclear No it's a stage play Yeah yeah But I'm saying like Oh you mean can I watch a DVD Yeah I think movies still exist I mean You could They're not making movies You could But it's like Stage play. Yeah, yeah. But I'm saying like- Oh, you mean can I watch a DVD? Yeah.

I think movies still exist. I mean, you could. They're not making movies. You could, but it's like a waste of resource of power, right? Yeah, because you'd need the electricity to function. You'd make your TV. But I guess it depends on how they're- Powering everything? Yeah, because if it's just like a windmill-

You could get a mule and like a treadmill or whatever. The mule goes in that powers a projector or whatever. Oh, yeah. Just screen movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The last five copies of movies. Go raid a bunch of like old blockbusters. Wait, when the bomb hit?

Oh, yeah, wait. 2003. Okay, you might be right. Blockbusters still going. Well, 2003, that means you can, if you want, create your own episode three of Star Wars. Oh! What would it be?

World ended before Return of the King, too. Yeah. So you can finish famous trilogies in stage play. But Return of the King is based on a book. Yeah, okay, so Revenge of the Sith is based on a book. Yeah, okay. So Revenge of the Sith is from- Which I haven't read. But I'll give it a stab.

I'll be very fired to go from town to town because I don't want that to sound risky. Just be like, yeah, I knew George Lucas. He told me. This is what happened. This is what's going to happen. You're doing the Return of the King and then one day you find out that a bunch of books have been brought in. You've got to always search to see if Return of the King's in there because it's completely different to your version.

And then Frodo come back and everyone say, In return, my king, Frodo is the true king of Middle-earth. And that's why we should all hail a short king. I'm reading Return of the King. Nowhere does it say Frodo come back. What are you reading sorry let me check that damn it all

stop eating what happened to my book it was contaminated or something maybe you ate it oh shit if you start chewing on something

immediately shot oh shit yeah I reckon could you raid like old blockbusters what movies you got five movies what movies do you reckon you're getting oh I'mbusters what movies you got five movies

what movies do you reckon you're getting oh I'm getting or I'm recreating oh well you say you raid blockbusters so let's say what five movies

do you reckon you can get even from a blockbuster whatever were the new releases in 2003 because I reckon there'd be like a wall of them because like true

like back then a lot of like like blockbusters movie land type things that only have one or two of like the weekly yeah like an old movie but the new release there'd be a whole wall of good point so there'd be like a lot of those you know going and if you're rating you're not going to be like ah sweet the latest release which would be jd in 2003 uh well because it's late 2003. I was pulling up a list of movies that came out in 2004 that if you wanted to have a crack

at making, you could. Because there's some sequels that are pretty big, like 2004 Shrek 2. You could decide what happens to Shrek in the game. Actually, I think that's what I'd go for. I'd go for more broad appeal. Oh, that's clever. Yeah, so like your Shreks, your Aladdins. Well, you got two for the kids.

That's good. For kids? Well, I mean, obviously anyone can watch Aladdin. It's an all-ages delight, as is Shrek. What other classics? When did Avatar come out?

2009. Fuck. You could do Avatar, though. I wouldn't be on my radar. Yeah, that's true. Titanic? Titanic? You could do Titanic. You could do Titanic. It wouldn't be on my radar Yeah that's true Titanic? Titanic You could do Titanic

You could do Titanic It's a good one to get Yeah You gonna get a porno? Yeah For an adult only Nighttime screening? Yeah

That's probably good Yeah get a porno Yeah yeah And like Billy Madison Oh good choice For laughs We need to laugh

It's Nudie Magazine Day It's Nudie Magazine Day Is it October? It's Nudie Magazine Day it's Noonie Magazine Day is it October it's Noonie Magazine Day he loves Noonie Magazine Day well yeah exactly it's good stuff but yeah

I honestly think like just creating sequels to films that when the world ends Matrix Revolutions hasn't come out oh my god

um what what would you decide had happened next for Shrek um what's Shrek doing in Shrek 2 in your version, your play? I would get scared that Terminator 3 was right

because that comes out just before the world ends. That ends with the world ending. That's bad, dude. There's no fungus. No fungus, all robot. If the last movie I'd seen was Terminator 3 and then the fungus happened, I'd think that... Robots were coming.

Well, no, fungus men were coming, but not like the fungus men that are coming but like men made from pure fungus that's what all of your movies eventually become about because that's that's my wife's like what would happen in Shrek 2 and I'm like well he's married he's probably gonna have kids he's probably gonna deal with you know like you know life like that of you know fantastical world where there are no clickers. But because your life is so depressing and full of clickers, it just might accidentally happen. The villains are always going to be making like,

why are you reminding us of this? Donkey, be quiet. Another movie that you could have a crack at making that was very successful and has a huge broad appeal. Unfortunately trailers for this one would have come out but movies ended a week and a half before School of Rock dropped.

You could do School of Rock. Can't play a musical instrument but I could do School of Rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you start doing like a because when does it become like when do you get too much of an ego? You doing these little plays for maybe you know your little community everyone's like having a good time and someone scavenges and comes back with like a camera yeah well now we gotta make a move we gotta make a film and then suddenly in this in this post-apocalyptic uh like

setting there's me and other fuckos I've convinced to move resources into making a film and then we get got Baradus Why is the electric fence down tonight? Zamit's making Shrek 2 Oh of course And we've got to take down the electric fence because what if people from other quarantine zones want to come and see it

It's my masterpiece Advertising everywhere across the wasteland Come see Shrek 2 Here's the directions and also come see meet the fuckers if you want to see the parents uh which was the seventh highest grossing film of 2004 blockbuster movie that's very fucking wild was a what a wild time you know what else came out in 2004 that i know it is technically based off a book but i think you put on a great rendition of it, and I don't think Mel's going to be putting it out

because he's sick. He got the fungus thing and died in my universe. Mel Gibson is dead in canon in The Last of Us. Did he turn into a clicker? He just died? No, he just died. He got sick and died. Someone was like, I'm going to drop the bomb.

They picked him. Mel Gibson's dead. They were like, he won't notice because he's looking forward. He was probably on the set of this movie making it because Passion of the Christ comes out. Joel Zammett presents Passion of the Christ. Reintroduce organized religion.

Now, if I did a Passion of the Christ You could easily turn that into a cult straight off the bat. If I did a Passion of the Christ in similar fashion of Mel, would my Jesus, who I imagine I would play because of my ego, and I feel it would go to my head, would, just like Jim Caviezel,

would I also get struck by lightning? What a powerful moment to play, though. What does that mean? Well, see, he took it as maybe he was like, I'm being blessed by God. I think maybe upsetting. Yeah, that is absolutely what I would assume. You get struck by lightning and it just somehow shorts the power of the entire facility. Oh, no.

There's a lot of weird movies that came out in 2004 that I think Joel Zama could easily make. I mean, Spider-Man 2, if you want to speak of it. Easy, done. Ocean's 12. You could use that for smuggling. You could smuggle a thing and say, I'm just shooting my movie Ocean's 12. It's me, George Clooney.

You put on the play of Ocean's 12, but during that, you're actually just comedian-ing us like a smuggling host. It's a kind of Hamlet situation in a way. I'm putting on a play about killing the king and then I'm going to put poison in his ear. Kill my uncle

and get that car battery I need. So what happens in Hamlet? They say, hey, we're going to kill you and then they kill him? I wish. He puts on a play about how his uncle killed his dad. Because his dad's ghost about how his uncle killed his dad. Because his dad's ghost says, your uncle killed me. And he puts on a play.

My brother killed me, now he's fucking my wife. Yeah, I remember now. Shakespeare obviously wouldn't have written this, but it's so funny to imagine the uncle being like, what the fuck? What the fuck? I'm pretty sure in Hamlet, doesn't the uncle be like, ha ha, great play. I have to go. I think so. And then he gets stabbed.

He gets stabbed in a curtain or something? Yeah, he's tangled in a curtain. I have to go and kill a ghost. Yeah, science just copped it at the start of the episode. Do you think if you were a literature major, you were safe for this week's episode of Plum in the Test? Oh, Rome! You're copying it too.

Nobody is safe. Who dies first in Romeo and Juliet? Romeo. Juliet fakes her death. And then she wakes up and is like, oh, she dies. Why haven't we done Shakespeare? That's funny because it sounds like

I'm not saying as an episode. We should do Shakespeare plays. We should do Shakespeare. Yeah, we should do Midsummer Night's Dream. I'll play Puck. Fine, we'll both be Puck. We'll be every other character. Double Puck.

Midsummer's Night's Dream. Puck. Look, I'm excited for your plays. I think that's the best way. I die by getting, you know, by either raiders or clickers, that's the town gone. Yeah, exactly. That's on me.

I couldn't do anything to prevent that. You're just the play guy. Plus you leave a legacy behind. You know, that's nice. It's funny to imagine me going out and getting a chimp, coming back covered in chimp bites and being like, I'm going to be the most popular guy in the town, opening it up and everybody's loving your movies. I got a chimp. Who cares? Hang on, you've got in chimp bites and being like, I'm going to be the most popular guy in the town, opening it up

and everybody's loving your movies. I got a chimp. Who cares? Hang on, you've got a chimp? Ah, Jackson, I have a great idea. Do you remember Dunstan Jackson? Whoa!

Let me do a bunch of chimp movies. It'll be Joel Zammett's King Kong. Yeah! We can make King Kong. Oh my God, they'll have to let the chimp in. Yeah, Peter Jackson's also dead in the Lost of Us canons.

Yeah. Rest in peace. Did they bomb him like they bombed Doug Gibson in that cow? Yeah. Oh my god, they'll have to let the chimp in. Yeah, Peter Jackson's also dead in The Last of Us cannons. Yeah. Rest in peace. Did they bomb him like they bombed Mel Gibson in that cow? Yeah. That's sad. Yeah, it is sad. Yeah, I guess. I don't know.

Mel Gibson lives in America. He's a formally Australian, I think. Is he? Mel Gibson? No. Maybe. Maybe. He sucks.

No good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rotten man. What are you going to do to survive in The Last of Us? See, I think that you've both gone for... This is going to be a very bold claim, because I was about to say, you've both done ridiculous things that are going to get you killed,

and then I was going to say, I joined the Fireflies. I would get way too bored in a quarantine zone to not do something. Oh, yeah. I get that. I'd just be like, I'm joining the Fireflies. I don't even care what they believe in. Just get me out of this fucking town.

What do the Fireflies do? What does your average day look like working for the Fireflies? Fireflies are pretty much, what is my average day looking like for the Fireflies? Get expendable. I'm going to get hit in the back of the head with a brick and then shot. Definitely. Killed by Joel and Ellie. and my last words will be like Joel's my name too

try and say that before he hits you with a brick I'm Joel too, I'm Joel too it worked for Superman, come on that would fuck me up dude if I was in the apocalypse and I went to kill a guy and he said I'm Jackson too because I would be like does that mean his name is my name or is he me do you mean two as in O-O or T-W-O?

Are you the second Jackson? What? What do you mean? Yeah, that would fuck me up. It would at least cause you a moment of pause that you could then either escape. Yes, that's true. Or get hit by a brick. Yes, it's a perfect time to...

I say, I'm Jackson too. Gets confused, stab him in the belly. So yeah, what are the five flies? You're a rebellion? You fight the government? Yeah, because it's a totalitarian government now. Yeah. They're like...

Yeah, we got to put in a bunch of strict... Well, yeah, it's like the world is not right. How are you going to deal with the clickers, you know? Might as well become a dictatorship. Yeah. Yeah. All right, let me just quickly find out what they believe. Not a good start when the

website starts with Fireflies were. Well, I assume you're joining them now while they're still good. I mean, yeah, you might not survive to the end. They're in situations where they're in danger a lot.

Basically, yeah. My Rebel Alliance comparison was actually pretty spot on. Fireflies were a revolutionary militia group that revolted against military oppression and numerous quarantine zones around the United States intended to restore pre-pandemic

government control. So basically, fuck totalitarianism, bring back democracy. So you're fighting people with guns? Yeah. So you're going out into the wasteland. I mean, they're also studying vaccines and stuff. Are you doing that? Yeah.

Maybe I'll just hang out at the hospital. The day will be like heading to the hospital being like, oh, we got a cure yet? No? Oh, shit. Sure hope no one comes in and tries to take Ali back off us. Sure hope no one comes in with a brick. That would suck. My head is very susceptible to brick wounds.

I like that eventually they're gonna pull you in and be like, hey man, you've not really been pulling your weight. You're where stuff is happening, but you're not really doing anything. You're sort of just a bit of a dead weight, if I'm honest, on the Fireflies. Yeah, and then after...

And then, I mean, the end of the game, The Last of Us, the Fireflies disband because Joel kills a lot of them, if not all of them. And, um... Yeah, kills the guy that was gonna get the cure, maybe. So what are you...

Where's your part in this? Are you just in the hospital Watching I'll be smuggling I'm falling into the I could I'm like I'm my good friend here

I'd be a good smuggler How you doing it With a truck My uncle died And left me a truck He's lucky Yeah I'm very lucky

My uncle died He left me a truck And it's got a It's an old truck But a brand new car battery Wow Yeah And I said I'd follow his dream Of becoming a firefly Okay He left me a truck, and it's an old truck but a brand new car battery. Wow. And I said I'd follow his dream of becoming the Firefly.

Could you, say, hospital day when Joel comes to town, and you hear him bricking other people in the next room, could you just, I don't know, lie down, pretend you're dead? I've already been hit with a brick. Oh, my head. He said he was hit with a brick, I've got to believe him. Yeah, then just lie down for a bit and hope it all blows over. Yeah. Then you wake up and you just loot everyone.

So you did just fall asleep. When I get scared, I get tired. Oh, no, Joel's coming. Oh, shit. I just have to lie down and hide. It is cop field before. Okay, so let's imagine you're smuggling something into the city. Okay, you got a truck.

This is a lovely truck. I'm the god. This is a lovely truck. Yeah, thank you. My uncle died and gave it to me. I'm just bringing some supplies in. Oh, rest in peace. Rip to your uncle.

Yeah, it's sad. He got bit by a mushroom. Then we shot him. Yeah, but it's the best of it. Okay, I understand. do you bring it in uh just some supplies that i found like went out scouting in the local town what what specific supplies i just need to write it down oh yeah just like nothing nothing really that exciting i found like just some like stuff that like i'm old wood for my house. Old wood for your house. Old wood.

Just write that down. Old wood for your house. I'm building a shelf. You went out to get old wood. Well, I was looking for better wood. So it's just wood in the back. We can have a look. Yeah, okay. We can have a quick peek.

Have a look. We go around the back. I've left some old wood in there. Okay. And I'm sitting on a gun or whatever that I was actually smuggling in. Sitting. You look a bit uncomfortable in the chair. I feel fine.

I'm the most comfortable I've ever been. What are we talking about? Like a big guy with a little nozzle just poking out the side. That's my seatbelt. Sitting on a handgun's easy when you're in a truck. You come in and the firefighters are like, great, what have you got? And you just pull out one handgun. Well, smuggling weapons is one handgun's better than no.

Smuggling weapons. One handgun's better than no handgun. I'm a weapons smuggler. Did you say weapons or weapons? Weapon. Weapon. One weapon at a time. Can't be anything bigger than a handgun's better than no handgun. I'm a weapon smuggler. Did you say weapons or weapon? Weapon. Weapon. One weapon at a time. Can't be anything bigger than a handgun.

Could probably be a knife problem. Maybe. Seems dangerous. You might cut your butt cheek. Hi, Joel. Did you just come through? You just like accidentally shift on the seat and slice your ass cheek? Although. Yeah, you You look at the guard

Did you just cut your ass off? Sir, we've seen this before This happens when people try to smuggle a knife by sitting on it Is this not me? I can see the blood pooling around your chair I'm pissing I couldn't fix it Is this not me? I can see the blood pooling around your chair.

I'm pissing. I couldn't fix it. I'm pissing myself. Your piss is thick and red. Let me in. I reckon I could smuggle weapons in a very slow and good way, which is go out with an empty holster. Oh, yeah.

Come back with the handgun in my holster. They say, what'd you bring in? I'll be like, I couldn't find anything. They'll just assume I went out with the gun. Because you gotta have protection. Yeah, okay. That's pretty good. My favorite part about this is the period of time you spent unarmed in the wasteland.

There is that. It's so funny, I can't imagine you pull out a gun you hadn't hidden. Two guns, motherfucker. Yeah, I guess you're beating someone with a gun to hand it to you, I guess. You've got to get to the drop without getting clicked. But otherwise, yeah, I guess you could do it. But a car can outrun a clicker. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. Clickers are strong. So if I hit a clicker with my car, though, the clicker might be... Well, clicker might die, though The clicker Well Clicker Might die But it's not a guarantee No yeah For sure

I gotta be careful Because especially In the world of the TV series The fungal network Means that if you like Make sounds and stuff In certain things It alerts

Horns Oh yeah You don't want that Yeah They seem now Quite connected Because yeah I don't think you could

Really mow down Like a whole horde Of these clickers with, say, your truck. But if you had, like, a thrasher. Oh, yeah. Something like that. I think, like, farm vehicles. Tractors. I know.

The chassis is too expensive. The chassis? Is that the one I'm looking for? The place where you sit. Now farm experts are a yellow belt carriage I love calling a farmer a farm expert they are an expert on the farm

you're not wrong maybe they're not farmers maybe they just build the vehicles tractor builders or is the body the chassis or am I getting confused because a chassis of a car is where you sit, but that's not the name of the-

Is it the cabin? Yeah, the cabin of the tractor is unprotected. Cabin of the tractor seems wrong. But in a plane, it's a cabin. Yeah, in a truck, also a cabin. Yeah. Makes you think, doesn't it? Really, yeah, puts you in a philosophical Frame of mind

For sure Yeah Yeah But some farm equipment You'd be okay in Yeah What? Like probably a

A thresher you'd be okay in Because you're really high up Yeah but And they'd have to Full on climb up Yeah but How fast the threshers go Oh

Good point And also They only thresh on Yeah that's right They only thresh on one side Yeah and also like How clogged up Will this machine get Good point And also They only thrash on Yeah that's right They only thrash on one side Yeah And also like How clogged up

Will this machine get Yeah And also like You're driving mostly Through suburban streets Or whatever Yeah That's

I mean no It's mostly not roads It's like off road Fucked up Yeah But still not places You're meant to drive A thrash on

No You're gonna be Churning up concrete Yeah Yeah yeah Easy to fuck it up Yeah Yeah Maybe then A click is coming And tearing your entire head off not places you're meant to drive a thrush. You're going to be churning up concrete. Yeah, easy to fuck it up. A clicker's coming and tearing your entire head off. The guards are

watching. They can visibly see. Oh, the clicker. Oh, yeah. They do that sometimes. Ripped up his neck and now he's spitting his massillion things right down his neck hole. Well's spitting his mycelium things

Right down his neck hole Well he can't bite anyone I guess I wish he didn't alert all the clickers to this close to town But it's okay lucky we've set up defences And whatever Just at that moment Zama gets struck by lightning as Christ And the power goes out And that's when the chimp chooses

To go ballistic I was trying to feed a porridge And that's when the chimp chooses to go ballistic. I was trying to feed a porridge. Before you left on your thresher? Or am I on the thresher? Who's on the thresher? Who's on thresher? If Zammett's doing the play, and I'm feeding the chimp porridge,

and you're sitting on a knife, you're nursing your sliced ass cheeks, then who's driving the Thrasher? I reckon we'd last pretty well. Yeah, a long time. None of us really were in that much danger. Joel chose hard mode. We choose easy, chill life. Yeah, exactly. If they're ever like, we need you to smuggle

a little girl across the country We say no thank you Well I mean I say yes Because I'm a firefly And it's a firefly job Okay well that is you Good luck

See ya Bye My name's also Joel We making a Joel trip? Oh yeah Joel trip Two Joel's Two and a half Joel's We're referring to Ellie as Joel Mountain.

All right. Where are we going? Hospital. I'll come up behind. No, we're going somewhere first. Drop zone. Oh, yeah, the drop zone, but it's fucked up. Oh, yeah.

Well, we get some guns, I guess. That's all right. Well, me and the chip are going to have our own adventure. It's good for me to choose to be a Firefly Because I've played both The Last of Us and The Last of Us Part 2 And the whole message of the second one Is Ali don't choose violence I'm like yeah I'd be so bored

I'd choose violence Yeah Well would we last in The Last of Us? Yeah Easy If you give us a chimp, a truck and a knife to sit on We'll be fine. And a projector screen.

Or an acting school. Or a mule. Or a mule. Just a stage. Just a stage. Two two-by-fours, actually. Yeah. If we just have...

You just let us... I just need some old wood. Yeah. Which you're smuggling in. You're bringing that in. There you go. We teach the chimp to be Hamlet. Poison his uncle.

Poison the chimp. Get confused. Is this Romeo and Juliet? And then we finally get that truck off your uncle? I hope someone finds a cure soon. Not for the clicking, for our dumbness. And on that note note I've been Joel I've been Jackson

And I've also been Joel Yeah we did it I think so Kind of All of us is good I don't think we'd be An even better audition Yeah I agree