Plumbing the Death Star - How Would Spider-Man Deal With Being in the Middle-Ages?

Episode Date: July 8, 2018

In which our heroes ask the hard hitting question; How Would Spider-Man Deal With Being in the Middle-Ages?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammitTheme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube youtube.com/bennythejukebox Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Lightly sparkling. Hey Zammett. What? I heard someone was saying that we're, we being me, you and Joel Disher, plumbing the death star, are gonna come to the UK this year. Who's been telling you these truths? I, oh! Well, give me more details, you scoundrel. Well, we're heading to Edinburgh Fringe, and we're going to be performing four shows.

We're going to be at Just the Tonic on the 14th. We're going to be at Assembly on the 18th and the 25th and the Loft on the 26th. What month is this, you ask? I didn't, but go ahead. I'm assuming it's not September. What's out before September? August

That's the one Baby Yeah That's the one Are we just doing Edinburgh I fell Are we just doing Edinburgh fridge Or are we going up

No Jackson Don't be a silly Stupid piece of shit We're not just doing Edinburgh fridge No We're going other places We're going to go to Glasgow We're going to go to Newcastle.

We're going to Leeds, Nottingham, Cambridge, Manchester, Oxford, Birmingham, Bristol, London, Brighton, Cardiff. Wow. I know, it's crazy.

And did you know in London we're going to be part of the London Podcast Festival? Are you fucking kidding me? No, Jackson, I'm not. It's crazy.

That's incredible. Where can people go to get the damn tickets? You can go to sensepantsradio.com slash live. Are they selling out quick? They are. Glasgow is already sold out, and a bunch of them are already more than 50% sold. Holy shit, the people better get on it quick.

Yeah. Fuck. Holy shit, the people better get on it quick! Yeah! Fuck! Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would Spider-Man deal with being in the Middle Ages? I don't know, but our good friend Adam, you're a history expert, Adam. Roughly in the middle of time.

That raises a lot more questions. In the year 4000, is the Middle Ages now? Are we in the Middle Ages? Yeah, but Dusha, there was like so many millions of years before year zero. Read a Bible for us. I'm a young Earth creationist. Shut the fuck up.. I'm a young Earth creationist. Shut the fuck up. I'm a super young Earth creationist.

I don't think the Earth is old enough to drink yet. I think Jesus in the New Testament is where it started. Correct. The Old Testament stories. Jesus, real. I reckon the world began After Jesus And Jesus is actually just in our hearts

I believe that the world only comes into existence Every morning When I wake up and will it to be I believe everything that Savage Garden Song about belief exists So what is a middle age Adam? What is a middle age? Yeah yeah yeah

A middle age is the middle period is a middle age? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A middle age is the middle period of a thing. I know, but when people say the middle ages, are we talking knights? Are we talking buccaneers? It's a very Eurocentric thing. Are we talking pyramids? No, no. Long after the pyramids.

Pyramids have been around for like 5,000 years. People have stopped caring about them. I do like the idea of just like a crusader knight just coming to Egypt being like, right, let's build a triangle. God wills this. God needs triangles. There are those people who believe

that pyramids were built by the slaves, those people who believe they were built by aliens, and then there's Joel Zaman who believes they were built by the crusaders. The Middle Ages are... I don't know the exact dates. And I don't know if there are exact dates. But it's about from the turn of the first century.

The first millennium, I guess you'd call it. Until about maybe the age of gunpowder, so in about the 16th century. Like knights and kings. And queens and king of queens. And chivalry and what was the king of queens? The king of queens was

Kevin James. No, I know, but what did he do? He was a male. Hang on, wait, let's see if there's anything. Eyes are getting weary, back is getting tight. Stuck in here in traffic on the Queens Road bridge tonight. I don't care, cause all I wanna do is have a drink and come back home to you. Cause baby, all my life I will be driving home to you. There's no clues.

No clues. Actually, there is a clue. Driving. Driving home? I know. Yeah, yeah, but the bridge that he references, it's cause he lives in Queens. He is the king of the area he lives in That's true You know who else lives in Queens? Spider-Man

Spider-Man Is that in New York? I thought that was Rhode Island Queens is in Brooklyn Queens is like it's own Hi, I'm from Melbourne, Australia Isn't Queens like a suburb of New York? Oh, is it near Brooklyn?

I know. Is Brooklyn in New York? It is, right? Yeah, there's the Brooklyn bridge. Hang on, hang on. Gargoyles. They all named themselves after cities. Yeah.

Yes. All those cities near New York. There was a gargoyle called Brooklyn, yeah? Yeah. And another city. Holy shit, New York is the New York. Where's Jersey then? New Jersey is...

Across the bridge. I know New... No, no, no, no. Where is Jersey for there to be a New Jersey? Ireland. Yeah. Are you thinking of Guernsey? No, it's where Jersey... it's where Jersey cows are from.

Yeah. The Jersey Devil? No. No. Is that New Jersey? The Jersey Devil's from New Jersey. Presumably he hopped on a ship from Jersey and was like, here I am. She should be the New Jersey Devil.

But then there's no old Jersey Devil. Well, there was. He was the one that was spooking cows. It's very funny that it's the New World because everything is new something. So many things. But all right. So you're like New York.

Cool. New Jersey. Cool. Someone calls it New England. And surely the king's like, hang on. Wait a fucking second. Well, what about New South Wales? That's too many things.

That's so complicated because Wales is like it's like too small to have a geographic diversity. Okay, we're from Wales. We're from South of Wales and this one's new. New South Wales makes sense. Amazing. Spider-Man.

How's Spider-Man dealing with knights and shit? Has he still been bit by a radioactive spider? 100%. There was radiation. Yeah, good. You could still find radiation. Where would you find radiation? Naturally occurring.

Uranium tells the... You know we don't make it radioactive, right? Yeah, no, I know. But what I'm saying is that in the middle of... He said that, but I think he meant no. There's uranium under the ground. I think Jackson thinks we make it radioactive. We look at it and we're like, come on.

Do the radio thing. Yeah, he does. Uranium, all the good shit. I get it. Anyway, my point is, where is it in, like, because I'm assuming we're Middle Ages. We're not like Middle Ages in fucking ancient China. I'll paint you a word, Peter.

It's in Middle Ages England. It's some kind of apocryphal bullshit. They're doing some chemicals. Oh, I see. And there's some chemistry stuff there. Look, they're trying to find the Philosopher's Stone. That was something that happened. Sure.

Or like the God Goblet. Peter Pocketh is on an apprenticeship school trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the goblet called? The holy grail? The holy grail. There it is. They're making something that they think this is it.

They're going to turn the lead into gold or something. Spiders like... Falls in. Comes out and invites old Peter the Parker. Weird, because in my head, I'm thinking leeches are medieval spiders, but spiders have existed for a long time. Spiders are not a new invention. Leech man.

Okay, so it was experimental surgery. He was getting bullied in school, and they were like, to make you tough, we're just going to put leeches on you, because everything in the Middle Ages was cured by leeches. Bloodletting. Leeches had previously, I guess, eaten some uranium. Leeches are just a hole in the head. He got it from a radioactive wood drill. So yeah, so a spider

has bitten him. Hey, here's a problem with a spider or any bug, is that it's the Middle Ages so if the spider's gonna kill you... Jack, it's London. Yeah. Or England. There are no poisonous spiders. Are there any spiders? There's spiders

I'm sure there are But there's no poisonous spiders Yeah, you're not gonna answer that My Australian-centered mind I'm like, yeah, I guess Peter Parker's dead Got by a redback, dickhead No, it's the UK Alright

It's like, the poisonous spiders they have None Like, their daddy long legs are even different than their daddy long legs. You could even just be like, hey, what if... Maybe there are deadly spiders in the UK. What if he just isn't bitten by one of them? If anything, it's like a radioactive badger. They've got them in there, yeah?

They've definitely got badgers in the UK. Absolutely. So he's got the strength of a... So basically, is it a shit spider? Yeah, well, if it's not a poisonous one... Did he get bitten by a poisonous one in the 616 universe? No, I don't think he ever got bitten by a poisonous spider because at no point is he like, I'm dying.

Nor is he ever sick. He's like, he gets a bit sweaty. Yeah, but he gets a bit sweaty and wakes up muscly. So the sweat from his muscles get real swole. And he's kind of wondering, like, does the spider, if he, say, got bitten by, say, a funnel web versus getting bitten by, like, a house... Well, yeah, there's a distinct difference where one would kill him. So there's either... You're going into two parallel universes here. The dead Spider-Man or Spider-Man.

No, but if he got, like, radioactive, like... If he's dead, he's not Spider-Man. No, but if he got radioactive... If he's dead, he's not Spider-Man. Exactly, he's a corpse. The world's a corpse or Spider-Man. So that happened in Sydney, Australia, and he got bitten by a radioactive funnel web. And then he got the... Someone was like, oh shit, that funnel web bit him,

got the antivenom or whatever, and then was like, sick, I'm not poisoned, but I have the powers of a funnel web. I can make webs in a funnel shape, but I forget if it's like Spider-Man, like the Sam Raimi ones. Sam Raimi ones, yeah, he naturally grows the thing, but in the comics, yeah, in the default or whatever. No, I was going to say, I forget which one it is,

but it's when he's in the lab in the first one and they're going through the spider and they're like, this spider combines elements. Like they show all through the spider and they're like, this spider combines elements. Like they show all of the different powers. So is it the special spider that bites him? Yeah, I think in the Sam Raimi ones it's like a genetically enhanced spider. Okay, but otherwise. But in the other ones it's like, it got got by a photon ray and now it's all.

It's just fucking spider magic. Oh, spider magic. I do like the idea of like trapdoor Spider-Man. Oh, spider magic. I do like the idea of trapdoor Spider-Man. Oh, Spider-Man's fucked. What skyscrapers is he leaping between? So yes, anyways, gotten bitten by, I guess, a run-of-the-mill everyday spider. So he's got just a general webbing. Does he have webbing?

Yes. Or does he have mechanical shitty medieval webbing? If he's got mechanical shitty medieval webbing, it's rope. I feel like they're giving him... He's shooting out a big, thick, heavy rope. I was imagining before, because Peter Parker can't chemically make... Medieval Peter Parker is not making a chemical similar to spider silk. What if he's just harvesting a lot of spiders?

That's not even going to be strong enough. He's got like one go. He's like having just two ropes attached to his hips. Yeah, and they're not... The ropes aren't like... Where was Peter... So, a medieval period is heavily caste-structured. Where was Peter Parker born?

Or who was he born to? He's poor in Queens So he's a serf Meaning he is tied to the land That he was born on Can't leave works there Until he's dead Peter Parker can patrol his

Not his serfdom But the serfdom he exists with He can be on his farm and around the local town. But I'm sure, look, Peter Parker, he's a rebellious little kid. Also, Peter Parker's going to get his dad killed. Also, Uncle Ben, that's probably why he dies. Peter Parker goes off to- With great power comes, don't fucking leave the farm.

Respect the king. But also, it's the Middle Ages, so there's a lot the like the level of farm crime is pretty high that's true there's probably enough crime on one farm for peter parker to patrol for his entire life spider-man throwing ropes or just like no i imagine he just has them attached around his wrist and he can just huck them. So he's pretty much just become a medieval cowboy. Yeah, absolutely. So he's got a kind of like whiplash from Iron Man too, but with rope.

Whiplash. How does it attach? Surely it's got to be like a lasso? No, in my mind it doesn't attach. It's just there to whip folk. Imagine Peter Parker's like, I don't know, arrows flying thick and fast. A guy with a sword is charging him. He quickly takes cover behind a hay bale

and he's like, I gotta think fast. I know, I gotta go with the heavy webbing. He takes off the rope, puts on a chain. See, that's it. So basically, he's kind of like a combination of like a street thug from the 80s

who just had like, like say chains around their wrist and then would whip you that's peter the parker all right so he's got one i will make rope on my arm like a spider cell and then i will whip them in my web i will whip a justice out of the common folk i much prefer it when we fight inside a building, especially a barn, so I can hide in the rafters. Outside, it's fucking hard. I like that we've established a bin by a spider, then given him no powers.

He can climb walls. I can imagine he's climbing. He can climb walls, but as Adam was saying, there's no skyscrapers. How tall is buildings? Maybe around the local castle, which will not be... When you think a castle in the Middle Ages,

no matter what you were thinking, I guarantee you it's bigger than what it really was. We're probably talking maybe a single-story building here. Maybe double-story. Adam, I don't mean to alarm you, but

three boys on this side of the room were well-traveled and have been to an actual castle. That is true. It's bigger than you were trying to describe it being. You're talking about Edinburgh Castle, right? Correct. The capital. The capital's castle. That is as big as it gets.

Think about that. That's still big. Even if you make it half that size, I'd be impressed. As big as it gets. Think about that. That's still big. It's pretty big. Even if you make it like half that size, I'd be impressed. It's not. It's a lot smaller than half that size. Unless Peter Parker... Well, even London doesn't really have a castle to it. If Peter Parker's in Edinburgh, I guess.

Doing alright. Good. On the top of the building, just whipping. But I feel like... Alright. Okay, so he's got... He can climb walls, which, again, not that impressive. Yeah.

I imagine him climbing around thatched buildings. Or maybe he can do stuff in woods. I guess. He'd be alright there. That's true. Those are his skyscrapers. But he can't, like, swing. He can't web between them.

So he's not swinging. Again, he's got strength of a spider, so he can punch good. Yeah. Look, that's neither here nor there. He's good in fights. So honestly, as much as I'm loving Peter Parker, whip boy, I feel he might just become like a squire. Yeah, absolutely.

Because he'd be very good in sword fighting. Nah, he's too quippy. Yeah. He's going to make his liege lord mad. Yeah, but that's if you get him young, right? Imagine if he gets like him 60. Middle-aged in the middle ages. He's quite young.

He's but a boy. Yeah. And the moment he starts doing any quips, he's getting a bit of a snap. He's trying to think of really good quips as well for middle ages. All right. Who's he squiring for?

A scythe is all you're fighting with. Tis a fine weapon, but tis no sword. That's his best quip. Terrible middle-aged quip. But at the time, it slayed. It destroyed. That fucking killed you.

It was so funny. Who's attacking him with a fucking scythe? Most of the peasantry I imagine I guess any farmer is the answer to that Yeah, no, look, fair Or death So I guess he's He probably would have ambitions of becoming a court jester Yeah, I suppose

Well, yeah, because he always wanted to be a stand-up comedian Yeah I always forget that part of Spider-Man. It's the dumbest fucking thing. It's not hard to do comedy. You can do it as well, Peter Parker. It's fucking better than taking photos of yourself. Fucking delivering pizzas.

Yeah, Christ. So, is he fighting... Oh, well, okay. Trajectory of Peter Parker, we'll like transpose this on Peter Parker You know We'll go with the Sam Raimi ones because they're the easiest ones He wants to be like a wrestler So he needs money to get a car to impress

Mary Jane So he's got to get some coin To buy a horse To impress Meredith Jane Perfect Meredith Jane I think Mary was actually quite a common name back then Meredith Jane. Janeth. Perfect. Meredith Jane? I think Mary was actually quite a common name back then.

Meredith Jane. Yeah, Meredith Jane. That's it. Made Mary? Made Meredith James. So... James. Meredith James.

Mary Jane comes from kind of the same social economic background, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, good. He's not trying to marry up. No, no, no. That would not be allowed. They went to the same school. Yeah? Yeah, good. He's not trying to marry up. That would not be allowed. They went to the same school. Pretty sure in one iteration she's got a father that beats her a bit.

Well, in this instance they didn't go to the same school. Well, she comes from a broken house in the real world. It's implied that it's troubled. In the ultimate universe, I'm pretty sure. Which is weird, because you'd think that Peter, if he thought she was getting abused, would just crack the shits one day and go into the house.

Certainly Sam Raimi's Peter Parker. He is all emotion. He's all murderous. I'm pretty sure Sam Raimi's isn't her dad not in the scene anymore. Possibly. I'm not sure. I do not remember Spider-Man 1. I believe no one else.

Oh, no, no, no. Yeah. She comes from a broken household in the Sam Raimi ones. I remember. All right. He's not punching up, no. Yeah, she comes from a broken household on the Sam Raimi ones. I remember. All right. That's a lot. He's not punching up or down. He's just punching across.

Yeah, that's fine. I was going to say, so she becomes a famous performer. Yeah. What does that do? Like a world famous performer. Yeah, she's a model.

Yeah. Did they have models back in the... They didn't have world famous back then. Yeah. But presumably... She plays Lady Mac back then. Yeah. But presumably- Kingdom famous.

She plays Lady Macbeth. Yeah, there you go. Maybe she plays- Maybe she's just popular around town. Okay, so that's not the kind of thing that's going to- Like, I don't know. My Lady Macbeth comment wasn't in the comic, she plays Lady Macbeth.

I was suggesting that as the most popular thing she could do in the Middle Ages. Yeah, that's true. At the globe or wherever fucking shakespeare did when was shakespeare though shakespeare 14 yeah he's a bit towards the end of late middle ages yeah it still counts i think late teen i guess my question is is mary james too famous and perhaps you know you know, in like the royalty are like, I'd like to see this performer. And then suddenly the fact that she's fraternizing with old Peter Parker.

Yeah, quite definitely the astronaut that she ends up with in Spider-Man 2 would probably be like a knight or something. Hang on, though. Female, there wasn't really any female performers. All roles were played by men. That's true. Well, in Shakespeare's time. was that the same in medieval time? Shakespeare's time was after medieval time. It's kind of like end after.

Yeah, okay. Mary Jane might be in a bit of trouble career-wise. Or did she do a bit of a Mulan? Yeah. Are you sure that it was all male performers? She dressed up like a man to pretend to be a woman. That actually has happened. A woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman. That actually has happened. A woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman.

I know some periods that it was like that, but I don't know if it was like that in Europe. I wouldn't presume the whole Middle Ages. I know it's Shakespeare, but I feel like that was just a convention of Shakespeare in theatre. But I don't know. Me neither. So I'm assuming she's pretending to be a man

Pretending to be a woman Yeah To play Lady Macbeth Yes Mad joke lands Well done Then she marries an astronaut By which I mean a knight

Yep No A crusading knight Dates a crusader So who is the son of What would be a newspaper baron equivalent A lord A lord

Yeah Oh man so Mary James Meredith James Meredith James Son of... What would be a newspaper baron equivalent? A lord. A lord, yeah. Oh, man. So Mary James... Meredith James. Meredith James. Meredith James. Whoa, she's like... Spider-Man, he going on the Crusades?

A hundred percent. He would have to. He's able-bodied as hell. That's not how it works. It's not a conscription thing. I'm sure... Again, he's going to be like a squire from a young age. If he's showing aptitude, like, right.

So... Okay, so yeah. It If he's showing aptitude, like, right. So, okay. It's not really an aptitude thing. I'd say he'd become a squire of a knight or something like that, and then he'd probably fuck off to the Crusades. But my original question was, okay, so he's getting a horse and whatever to impress Meredith. What's he doing? Is there like a mud fighting thing?

Presumably, if he lived in- Oh, yeah, you can get into a fist fight for money if you want. Yeah, if you're a peasant. What else is going on? Yeah. Beat the shit out of another peasant. Someone throws you fucking coins. Watch out for the catch poles.

Sweet. Get their farm. Fight them for their farm. Yeah. Okay, so... He could win a lot of property. And then, all of a sudden, he's property rich, which I think puts you equivalent of the king.

Unfortunately, you can't fight the peasants for the farms because they don't own the farm. No, you fight the peasant and then you challenge the lord. To the farm. To the farm. Pink slips, but farms. So he's fighting a lot of people. He's working his way up the bar fighting ring. Yeah, sure.

Adam, just fight. I don't think there was a single name for it. So he's fighting the locals. He's becoming a bit more popular. He's building up a reputation of being this sweet fighter. Because that's the thing. Without his webs or whips, he's doing real good. Just fist fighting.

But presumably, if it's following the trajectory of Spider-Man 1, he goes in to fight. He loses. Or he wins, but they don't give him the money of Spider-Man 1, he goes into fight, he loses, or he wins, but they don't give him the money, and then furiously, as he walks away... He gets into a fight for a farm, finds out that the farmers don't own the farm.

Idiot, you should have known that. You don't own the farm, you look work on. Then, as he's walking backwards, or, like, out of there, angry, his Uncle Ben is killed by the Lord, because he allowed his son to leave the farm presumably that's what goes down there or sandman does it are we making robin hood yeah it's really weirdly heading in that direction i was gonna say i don't know because it wouldn't be the lord killing uncle ben it's a criminal again yeah well i suppose but it would have to be the most reasonable

the most reasonable place for are we in the be in a bandito. The most reasonable place for... Are we in the wild, Wes? I just feel like the most reasonable place for Uncle Ben to die is at the hands of his lord. Nah, because if he dies at the hands of the lord, that kind of follows a trajectory, because then the lord can be the Green Goblin. That's true. That's weird if someone becomes the Green Goblin,

because a goblin, I feel like, was a more prominent idea in medieval times. They didn't believe in spiders, but they heavily believed in goblins. A hundred percent. Just like the idea of a goblin, you would have to be a lot shorter and a lot trickier. That's kind of what I imagine the Lord greasing himself up

in face pain and being like, I'm the Green Goblin. All the locals are being like, he'm the Green Goblin. All the locals are being like, he made a deal with the Fae. Yeah, he made a deal with the Fae for Goblin power. But really he's just hucking pumpkins at Peter's bark, who has whips on the end of his hands that are just

big ropes. Hucking pumpkins full of gunpowder that he found when he was on the Crusades or something like that. Tell me you don't want to see that fight. That fight sounds incredible. In a pumpkin patch, him rolling around, picking up a pumpkin and hitting Peter Parker,

him whipping the pumpkin out of the air. Isn't that full of gunpowder? But also, if you hit a pumpkin with rope, nothing happens. Green Goblin throws a pumpkin, Peter Parker ducks out of the way or whatever, but then the pumpkin bounces, comes back, Peter Parker ducks out of the way. Pumpkin hits the Green Goblin throws a pumpkin. Peter Parker ducks out of the way or whatever. But then the pumpkin bounces, comes back.

Peter Parker ducks out of the way. Pumpkin hits the Green Goblin. The Green Goblin looks at Peter Parker and says, Don't tell Harry. And then he does. That's even better if you imagine that it's a horse that he rides. Like he's gliding. Like he stands on the back of it and runs around.

Oh, he gets trampled by his own horse. That's a tragedy. Go tell Harry. Okay, how's this, right? So he's in this, like, illegal fighting or whatever. It's like this whole thing being, like, you know, he's fighting people. He wins, but he doesn't get what was owed to him.

And, like, you know, so this burglar or this other kind of fighter, like, pushes past him and says, you know, uncle dies. But that burglar or that, kind of fighter, like, pushes past him and some sour head, you know, uncle dies. Yeah. But that burglar or that, and that fighter, that evil bastard is, like, maybe the lord's favoured guy. And so he kind of, like, works out through, like, you know, some kind of trail that actually, yes, it was Normeth Osborne, the local lord. It's going to suck later on when Pithpocketh realises

it was that sand guy. That guy who just has a lot of... No, the baker who puts sand in his bed! That's who it was that killed Uncle Benneth. I can't imagine that guy's superhero outfit just being bags of sand on his body that he hucks at people

and they're like, ah, ah, Jesus Christ. As Peter Parker comes forward, he breaks some bread and all the sand And it goes into Peter's eyes So at the end of Peter Parker's Spider-Man 1 Fucking Norman Osborn

Gets trampled by a horse Exactly I think Peter Parker has Exposed the Lord for some sort of Corruption He was not worshipping Exactly, I think Peter Parker has Exposed the Lord for some sort of corruption Yeah, absolutely He was not worshipping Our Lord and Saviour

But he was worshipping an imp Yeah, but It doesn't matter Because Peter Parker is responsible for the death of a Lord Beheaded On the lamb On the lamb he'd have to go into hiding Go get him, tiger.

Sorry, go get him, lion. Don't know what a tiger is. Spider-Man 2, Crusades. Let's go. So if a child, yes. Yes, he's on the lamb because he kills the Lord. But if you go on the Crusades, you get forgiveness. That's why he's on the Crusades, you get forgiveness. That's why he's on the Crusades.

I was going to ask if, say, your son or nephew, in this case, kills a lord, do you get in trouble? Like, how's Aunt May going? Probably not. Okay, she's fine. Aunt May's probably fine. Aunt May's sticking around. We'll die at 40 or whatever. I don't think anyone's like, we can't catch Peter Parker.

Let us get ye olde Aunt May instead. Does he have a costume, Peter Parker? Oh, wait, do people know that Peter Parker's kind of like super strong or something? Do they have any... Melody is snoring and it's very

loud. You're awake. Your eyes are open. She sleeps with her eyes open like a creeper zoid you're a weird dog anyway all right so he's uh being charged by for killing um normith but because what i'm thinking is if anyone suspects or thinks that peter parketh is um super strong in any way or is any any way super human they will probably ye olde Aunt May is probably gonna get

tried for witchcraft for giving birth to a Satan wait but she didn't give birth to a Satan she's the aunt she's like not my boy not my boy there still might be a trial there might be a trial of Peter Parker

they trial men for witchcraft Yeah sometimes Could he be argued that Maybe he's one of God's chosen And he needs to go to the crusades I just don't think so but maybe I like to think they duck Aunt May And she drowns

I reckon it's going to be like Yes Aunt May for raising a Satan You are to be dunked until death. Doc Ock. I just imagine a man with an octopus. I feel like that. Is a famous witch hunter. Who has an octopus.

Sure. I can imagine like an octopus on his head. Yeah. Like some kind of like a weird mask. I was just imagining him trailing four ropes behind him. But you don't want at least... Well, no, it doesn't make more sense. I just feel like if I'm

a peasant, if I'm a serf, an octopus is notable enough for that to be a pal. How about he's a famous witch hunter and he's known because what he does is he gets these witches that he captures and ties them up with ropes and trails them behind him. It looks like the tentacles of an octopus.

Yeah, all right. That makes a lot more sense than just having an octopus. Okay, Middle Ages Europe, would they know what an octopus is? Yeah, because you've got Italy and shit. Okay, cool. There's fish and stuff. All right. What about a man?

Four ropes tied to each of his arms and legs. Each of his arms? And legs. So he's got like, they're just like, oh, they're the squid boy. That's very funny for when Peter Parker sees him and he's like, I did the same thing. What's hilarious about that, actually, is that Peter Parker sees him and is maybe like, you're a witch. That's true. Does Peter Parker think he's a witch himself?

I reckon he probably would He doesn't know where it came from Would he be He's masturbating like that 100% All the more reason for him to go on the crusade Would he be like I'm God's chosen Or would he be like this is a Satan

He'd probably be like this is a Satan Knowing what we know about Peter Parker He's definitely team Satan He's like I've done a Satan? He'd probably be like, this is a Satan. Knowing what we know about Peter Parker, he's definitely Team Satan. Yeah, absolutely. He's like, I've done a crime. This is because I jerk it. This is like, I'm being punished and I need forgiveness. So I killed the Lord.

Would he be like, I need to go and confess my crimes and go on the Crusades? Or would he be like, no one needs to know about this? I feel like he'd keep it secret. He'd keep it secret, but he'd feel like he needed to go on the Crusades to cleanse himself. Peter Parker's a big liar. We know that about him. Yeah. He loves lying. He's gonna lie, but he's gonna be like, I'm gonna go on the Crusades. I can just imagine

now, like, just the Spider-Man, but with a Crusader cross. Medieval Peter Parker, is he still a good person at heart? Yeah. Oh, he's as good. Oh, the first Crusades. He's as good as the time period allows. He kills a lot of Jewish people and Christian people and Byzantine. Oh, my God.

Yeah. What are the First Crusades? First Crusades? About 11. What are they? Oh, what are they? The First Crusades. I thought it was all about Christians, but no, we killing Christians?

They kind of killed a lot of... Who's doing the killing? So, as the Crusader, it's very complicated, I'm simplifying a lot, but as the Crusaders were moving through Europe, they were idiots. They just kind of picked up and left. So a lot of them were like, well, we need to eat. So on the way there, they would kind of just sack towns in Europe. In the name of God. In the name of God.

In the name of God. Yeah, they would often kill Jews wholesale. Look, this is not going to be fun. Look, a lot of people died, basically. And then they got to the Middle East. And then they killed more. Things got worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I didn't realize they were killing their own people. Oh, absolutely. There were things got worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't realize they were killing their own people. Oh, absolutely. They were Christians in Jerusalem. Yeah. It's just no one has a glowing cross over their head to let you know who's Christian and who's not. Oh, I think they didn't care. Well, that's kind of it as well.

Poor dumb fucks. All right. Yeah, so Peter Parker comes back traumatized. Oh, yeah. He's seen some shit. Or lost for blood, thinks he did the right thing. Although, sorry, at the end, a lot of people think that a miracle happened that allowed the Crusaders to get Jerusalem.

So maybe at the end, Peter Parker's like, it was all bad, but it wasn't for nothing. What was the miracle? Well, it was kind of like, it's hard to say because the records are often like, and then Jesus and his angels descend it down. That's wild! We're not 100% sure. We just think that random reinforcements arrived. But people were like, Jesus and his angels.

Are you Jesus? Are these your angels? What? We're random reinforcements, you fucking idiots. No, my name is Sir fucking Sir Robert Stark That's Game of Thrones

Not Iron Man isn't it Tony I'm Antonius Stark I like that if it's Sam Raimi's Spider-Man it still kind of checks out Because that was a bloodthirsty Spider-Man So if he's Sam Raimi's Spider-Man, it still kind of checks out, because that was a bloodthirsty Spider-Man. So if he comes back and he's like, murder's good, then nothing's changed.

In your opinion. So Spider-Man 2 is where he has this bit of a test, like a crisis of faith that that being is Spider-Man. So he's like, you know, I'm a Satan. Yeah, there it was. Cast it out, then goes to the Crusades, like, no, they need me. Yeah, it works perfectly um but then he's like

i guess gets in spider-man 3 gets possessed by a satan yeah i guess bloodlust i guess we're confirming satan's real yeah spider-man no it's an alien yeah aliens can still happen in the middle ages i don't know about aliens well yeah they think it's a satan but it is an alien right i like that we're like okay look, magic gas that makes you strong. Just all green goblin, guy on a horse. Dark, dark, guy with ropes. Venom, yes. Look, fair.

I like to imagine Venom is just like a mold or something. What if Venom is like someone from far away? What if it's an illness? The Black Death? Yeah, what if Venom is the Black Death? I think one of the symptoms is a little bit of madness. Yeah. How about instead of like, look, you're right.

We're like, you know, Doc Ock is just a guy with some ropes and Normith is just a guy on a horse. What if he ate the spider? As in Norman was just like, there's that. Because it was under my watch. He got powers or whatever. He's super strong. I'm going to eat that spider.

And then he just munches on that spider and then he gets a little bit strong. Not, you know, amazing or like spectacular like Spider-Man. But he still gets trampled by a horse. I thought you were making a reference. Because amazing Spider-Man is a thing. I thought you were making a reference, because Amazing Spider-Man is a thing. I thought you were being like, not amazing, not ultimate, just Sam Raimi. Just web of.

So, yeah, how about that? We'll make Norma a bit... Honestly, I preferred him just a man on a horse yelling. How about he chewed the spider, thought he had powers. Now I'm into it. It's his son now. It's not him. He died in Spider-Man 1. I know. In ye olde Spider-Man. I'm doing some retcons, Adam. I'm into it. It's his son now. It's not him. He died in Spider-Man 1.

I know. In ye olde Spider-Man. I'm doing some retcons, Adam. I'm doing some retcons. Well, I guess the... Raimi wasn't above that either. Yeah, Sideman killed your dad. I mean, uncle.

You know, he did it. Yeah, the baker killed your dad. Idea, though. When did the dancing plague happen? Jack would probably know better than I would isn't it like 1800s yeah I think that's

a bit too late unfortunately I wish that was a symbiote but I like the black death because it also means Venom

is just a lot weaker I feel like the black death killed more people than Venom so it's the black death so Peter Parker

contracts the black death and he goes a little bit crazy but then throws it off because I guess some people could you recover killed more people than Venom did. So it's the Black Death. So Peter Parker contracts the Black Death. Yeah. And he goes a little bit crazy, but then throws it off because I guess some people, could you recover from the Black Death? You can, yeah. Plus he's got spider power, he's strong. So he got the Black Death,

but like felt like he himself was like, yes, it's part of me and have this weird thing. He like coughed on someone. Yeah, I like to imagine as he- Coughed on Eddie Brock. As he gets rid of it, he vomits. He like- Oh, Edward.

He's at the top of a, about like a church. Yeah. And like the bell tower, it's bells ringing and he's like, I'm with the power of my Christianity.

Get it out of me. On, Edith Brock is there being like, why has God forsaken me? Mouth agape and he vomits.

I hate that Peter Parker proved my paintings false. I had a good scam going with this forgery. I was just taking Peter Parker's paintings and painting blacker. And then just gets a bit of vomit into his mouth. No, it's good. Why?

Stop it! No, it's good. Why? Stop it! So Edith Brock is just guzzling down fucking Black Death vomit. And now he himself has the Black Death. It's worse if you imagine, because Black Death was symptomatic with pustules. Imagine those popping and he's sipping on the pus instead. So pus and vomit is dripping down this bell tower That Edith Brock is just wailing about

Screaming tongue out Pitter-patter Pitter-patter peckers Pitter-patter pepper peckers Leave me alone Don't I refuse So now I guess

Eddie Brock is the Black Death And it's also mixed a little bit with spider DNA Then he can be a bit strong and not just die So he can be a bit strong and not die So I'm guessing he's just exuding Black Death as he goes So he's covered in pustules and vomiting himself I just love the idea of someone grabbing someone Forcing their mouth opening and then just vomiting their throat to kill them

And on that note... No thanks. Can we stop, please? Nope. Nope. So that's Venom. So... Spew boy.

Sandman is just a man with sand. You dig that? Yeah. It's the baker. The baker. And he got exposed... I guess somehow by a wizard. He got exposed for putting sand in his bread.

Yep. And then lost his daughter. Yeah. And now has to. To black death. If you put sand in your bread, you were shipped. Oh, no, I guess that was a bit later. No, never mind.

Shipped off to Australia. That happened, yeah, in the 1800s. Are you sure that was a crime? Yeah. Or maybe this is like the folktale, but that's how we get Baker's Dozen. Yeah. It's because- So, back in medieval or whatever times, you were expected to have a certain weight to

your bread because everybody was plumping up their bread with extra shit, but that extra shit would suddenly be poisonous. So, it became a big deal and they had like this crew of people that would go around to your bakery and test the weight of your bread. But because bread's just a fucking unruly thing... Industry? Yeah, sometimes your bread just weighs less because it's something you can't help.

So people would always add an extra thing in there to the 12 they made. That's why you have a baker's dozen of 13, because if your bread weighed under, they would ship you off to Australia. So Australia was founded by a lot of bakers with shitty bread. I guess the takeaway there. Look at us now, though. Best bread in the land. Damn right. Fuck you, France.

Yeah, so Sandman and I'm just trying to remember in Spider-Man 3 how fucking everyone converges if they do at all. So is he a guy with bread just hucking it, or does he have a little bit of... Is he just bread boy? Is he himself made out of bread?

No. I was imagining bread arm. I mean, yeah, he could be wearing bread arm. He's not as much of a threat to the world as he was in Spider-Man 3. Is he a knight as well, or is he just a cook? He's just a guy. He's just a cook, yeah, with sand. Is he a knight as well, or is he just a cook? He's just a guy. He's just a cook, yeah, with sand. And he killed,

I guess, Uncle Ben. I'm sad that Spider-Man isn't fighting any knights. Uncle Ben died choking on his sand, bro. We thought it was the knife wound, but actually, several seconds before, Uncle Ben's taken a bite. Turns around, shank, shank.

Different guy, unrelated. He's already dead. The guy just shanked a corpse. That's good. And then the new goblin is just the son of the Lord running on a horse doing the same thing. On a new better horse. He finds the horses in a secret compartment of the castle. Surely it's like armor that's been painted green, yes?

Yeah. Surely. I'm kind of imagining like Golden Age comics, so it's not armor, it's just a costume. Why, if the horse has been painted green and is stronger because it has lead poisoning and lead madness. Look, you have a big fan of a super horse. Yes, a horse with lead poisoning and lead madness. Look, you know how I'm a big fan of a super horse. Yes.

A horse with lead poisoning and the son of the Lord chasing down Peter Parker. In, like, green tights? Yeah, yeah. And maybe, like, the Sam Raimi thing, so he's got, like, a knight helmet that looks a little bit like an imp. Yeah, yeah. So basically all he's done is he's just added a helmet thing

to his regular outfit. And made his horse sick. Just fed horse lead. This will make you super powered. Maybe he's drinking the lead as well. I like that. Oh, most definitely. I like that Peter Parketh is fighting this horse with big rope from his

arms. It's very good. Surely if you just whip the horse's leg it'll fall over. Doesn't the Green Goblin change sides at the end, though? Yeah, he does. So what's going to happen, right, is he gets his, like, so Peter Parker's got his chain whip, and he's tied it around low to the ground,

so Lead Horse has just, like, broken several of his legs, galloping through, kicked off or pushed off of old mate Normie Jr. He's like, bro, maybe I've got to become paralyzed. Now he's like, I will help you. Give me several crutches. And then I guess they're like, a lord fighting for your side because your fight

is just. And then he's fighting Venom Black Death. Sorry, Venom. No, Black Death. Tries to vomit in Mary Jane's mouth, but I guess just on the street they stop him. As he's vomiting, as the drip of vomit is about to enter her mouth. Yeah, I just love- Maybe Sandman or Bread Boy or Sandbread is just hucks a loaf, hits the vomit.

I just love that the end fight scene for Spider-Man 3 is, like, it's at a construction site. Sandman swirling around. There's new goblins sliding around. In this version, it's just, like, two people on the street. One's going to vomit and the other's not. You can still have a construction site. Yeah, all right. Sweet.

Hooray. It's just a medieval one. A lot of masonry. That changed a lot, Adam, thank you. No, actually, because in Spider-Man 3, Venom doesn't like the vibrations of the metal. We can have a great scene in medieval

one where he's like, wood! His weakness is wood! And then they just beat the shit out of him. There you go. Like popping his pustules, which hurt. We're weakening him Steel doesn't work Use bats No wait steel also works

Actually just get a sword Blunt trauma Just get a sword Chop his head off I thought he was magic but he just had the plague so then i guess the sandman goes back to his daughter and it's like hey i'm i'm good it's like i'm for some reason a good guy now and i've uh you started using a flower yeah i made a deal i made a deal with a local lord so we could get decent flowers.

Yeah. Shit's cool. It's good. And then Peter Parketh carries on happily with his life. With the trauma of the Crusades behind him. And the Black Death. Well, he doesn't have the Black Death, but everyone else probably does. Everyone else probably has the Black Death,

right? I just feel like you don't pop a postule that close. Oh, yeah. A quarter of the town is dead. That was the average. They didn't have to... The average didn't have to contend with a venom. Yeah, absolutely.

So with venom, I mean, a lot more of it. Maybe half the town is dead of the black plague. Yeah. At least Aunt May, definitely. She's gone. Aunt May was drowned in a pond. That's right. She didn't live, thankfully, to see the blackbird.

No, no, no. She died as a harbinger of a Satan. Absolutely. And even though they'd be thankful, would they be thankful for Peter Parker's services? I think they would be. Oh, because if Normith Jr., if he's crippled and being like, he's a good boy.

He does. Well, of course he does. But as his sickly proclamation of, Peter the Park is a good boy, and then he dies. Then presumably everybody's like, hooray for Peter the Park. Yeah. If any. But then surely. Cue ye olde nickelback song.

Yeah. We can end the movie. And then, I don't know, the kingpin comes in. He's like, now I'm the new lord And then it's just like not again Oh boy I mean it's better than the alternative Which is well Peter Parker can shake the black plague

And his family and friends can't So he just lives in a town where everyone he loves is dead Cause this is all futile Cause a black plague gets you in the end Kind of the moral of life. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Adam. And I've been Xamon.

And I've also been Joel. What the fuck was that? Don't ever do that again. Hey everyone, I'm Jackson Bailey. I'm Mum. I'm Dad. I'm Ryder. And we're here to tell you about our brand new show, Bailey Family Circus,

where we answer your questions to the best of our abilities appreciation if you can't afford a gift? If I help someone out and they said, I'm taking you on a picnic, I'd be like, alright. What is this? Picnics are a bit weird. Words. Words. It's that kind of thing. Words are cheap.

Doesn't necessarily need to be, you know, like a physical thing. You could take them somewhere. Go into a nice lake or something. Does that mean you'll call him up? Look, I just wanted to thank you for the other day, so I'm going to take you to the lake. Well, there you go. Wouldn't you love it if Brides Your Mum were like,

thank you for doing the dishes every morning. Thank you for doing the dishes every morning. There you go. Wouldn't you love it if Brides Your Mum were like, thank you for doing the dishes every morning. Thank you for doing the dishes every morning. There you go. We do appreciate it. I stubbornly refuse. What did I say? I didn't give you a gift. I certainly didn't take you to a lake.

What do you think about this thank you? Jackson, I want to thank you for just being you. That's vague and weird. A deed and a thank you and possibly a macaroni man is the cheapest way to show your appreciation. My neighbour's apple tree grows into my yard. Am I entitled to those apples? Oh, yeah. I don't think you are.

That seems... Nah. They're not your apples. I like to imagine you getting a hot air balloon and going up really far and you're like, I can go wherever. This is my airspace. I think it's... Try and keep me out of the sky.

Nah, nah, it's not okay. That's rubbing. That's rubbing. What about... Commandeering. Commandeering. Commandeered your apple tree. Like a pirate.

So it doesn't really matter what sort of fruit it is. Yeah, that's true. If you steal it, you steal it. No, it's not a pomelo. You eat the skin. So the lower it is, the more you're entitled to it. Yeah, just because I think it's an air thing. We got shot at once.

You got shot at for trying to steal apples? Yeah, in Willie Griffith's bar. Why were they shooting at you? Because we were stealing his apples. What is art? That's a complicated question. I don't think it's complicated. Art is what I say it is.

What about my paintings? Which ones? You got this look of just disgust on your face. Look at that. He didn't try. What about performance art? Like what? Not this.

What we're doing art. What we're doing is this podcast art. It's just us talking. Whilst you're trying to put your stupid views on other people, probably annoying everyone. Is a movie only art if you enjoyed it? Yes. What if I enjoyed it and you didn't?

Bailey Family Circus, a fortnightly advice column where we answer your hard-hitting questions. If you're in need of some unprofessional advice, email us in at baileyfamilycircus at gmail.com. Episode 1 starts July 17th on iTunes, Acast, or listen directly from our website