Plumbing the Death Star - How Would Spider-Man Deal with Being Middle Aged? (Feat. Edgoose)

Episode Date: December 28, 2015

In which our heroes buy an Italian sports car, dye their thinning hair, squeeze into tight spandex to recreate the good old days and ask how would Spiderman deal with being middle-aged? We wonder if we'd risk dating Peter Parker, why Aunt May insists on marrying villains and why they made a Man-Spider movie. Duscher predicts sad old man-boobs, Zammit wonders how long Mary Jane sticks it out, Tom is worried about concussions and Jackson gets really into mints. So get prepared for wrinkles and forgetfulness as we try to ignore old Peter Parker's friend requests on Facebook. Want to help the families of the victims of Spiderman? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in curbing web-based homicide in our streets.Hankering for some sweet geeky loot delivered to your door every month? Do us a favour and go to www.geekfuel.com/sanspants and sign up to fuel up your geek today! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SansPantsRadio cruises the drink of our choice. Hey Jack, I notice you lack a lot of geek shit. Yes, my bedroom is sposs. You should go to geekfuel.com slash sanspants and sign up for their amazing subscription. Why the hell would I do that? Because then you could fill up your geek-less room with a bunch of geek-full stuff. Like what? Like collectibles, comics, Steam game, exclusive t-shirts, posters. That sounds amazing.

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That's amazing. And I'm in. And delivers straight to your door every month. You sold me. Stop talking. You sold me. Good. Hey, guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star,

where we ask important questions like, how would Spider-Man deal with being middle-aged? Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can. Spins a web any size. Catches thieves just like flies. Look out! Because let's be honest, I say eating a Junior Man. Spider-Man!

You launched straight into the episode, even though I could see when I introduced it that you were eating. And it's not like no one was ready to jump in. I could clearly see that Zamit was like, I've got something to say, and you're like, Spider-Man! Love the enthusiasm.

Love the enthusiasm. Jackson waits for no man. Or no mint. I'm done with the Junior Men. I have five more that I will eat over the course of this episode count them out and find me the time the fucking time stamp no what I was going to say is that

Spider-Man is like quintessentially a teenage superhero right even when Spider-Man's like 30 or like 35 he still acts like a teenager I would say he's like a bully as well he's a rude guy he's very rude and now Jackson's putting his

Junior Mint fucking package on the fucking microphone. I'm ready to go. You could have not pointed it out and it would have been fine. Are we gonna get like a shit ton of Junior Mints after this? Central's ready. Brought to you by Junior Mints. Eat them all, your friends talk. He's a bully. Like, yes, even though

he is quintessentially like a teenage, he was a teenage superhero. Yeah. It's kind of like a child actor almost. Yeah. Sort of idea. But he's a bully like yes even though he is quintessentially like a he was a teenage superhero yeah it's kind of like a child actor almost yeah sort of idea but he's also

when he grows up and gets older he has a wife and kid although they get kind of retconned and taken by the devil occasionally no that's good

it's one of our favourite storylines one more day one more day one more day so he still becomes like I think he became a teacher on point yeah started teaching biology uh also he wants to be a stand-up comic as well okay i also got about that part

because it's dumb it is quite we should probably decide what middle age is are we talking 50 we're talking spider-man of 50 let's go 45 to 60 yeah yeah that seems solid good range if you're 60 and you're calling yourself middle-aged listeners fucking good range if you're 60 and you're calling yourself middle aged listeners fucking check yourself if you're 60 and listening to a podcast it depends on the type props what is the type of 60

if you're 60 and listening to us now you count as middle aged because you're down with the homies exactly and you're on the level still riding out

your midlife credits you have the finger on the pulse of the youth yeah so 45 onwards so by this time let's see Spider-Man married still?

Yeah. Married to an aging supermodel? That's when she dies, to be honest. Well, let's be honest. They're going to die at some point. That's kind of part of Spider-Man's shtick that the women he loves shuffle off. Also, Spider-Man can't be happy.

That's one of his also... That's Spider-Man's shtick as well. He just can't be happy. But he kind of is happy at the same time. He is. You know, like in that kind of Spider-Man goofy... Pause now. Do you see just put a Twizzler stick in a Dr. Pepper can?

What the fuck is wrong with you two today? Do you know how much American candy is in the studio right now, listeners? Like an almost just ridiculous amount of American candy. I saw that. I was like, I'm going to compose myself. I'm not going to laugh at this shit. I made a good noise too. Christ, indeed.

But what I'm going to to laugh at this shit. I made a good noise too. Christ indeed. But what I'm going to say, let's say that this is either Mary Jane's been radiation semen to death. Let's not say, I think because, I think she would end up leaving him. Oh yeah, true, true. Look, he's they met when they were teenagers, he was

spider-manning around then you know, they got engaged he was still spider-Man-ing around then. They got engaged. He was still Spider-Man-ing. They got married. They actually had a kid. And he still kept Spider-Man-ing. So she would have been well aware of his whole... Yes, dude?

No, I'm fine. Keep going. Would have been well aware of the fact that this is what you do. This is who you are. This is the person I married and fell in love with. But there probably comes to a time when it's like enough is enough you know fucking craven the hunter knock on our door for the upteenth time fucking scorpion is there banging on the window venom don't get me fucking started with that

venom i know spider-man that maybe like as you age your body doesn't deteriorate but i'm just a human being and mine is yeah you're still very prepared to deal with you know all of this shit i don't want to be like aunt may's age yeah more like dark oaks arms are coming in and grabbing me and hassling my business my grapes you know and there's gonna be that kind of like when when is enough enough and i reckon mary jane like testament to the fact that she's still with spider-man, she's a gem. I reckon there'll be a time where she'll be, like, having her own middle life crisis and being like,

I didn't really sign up for this. I guess the question is, how long would you stay with Spider-Man? About 20 minutes. He'd be a really fun weekend. Like, with the webs and all the swinging. That's true. You'd be like, what a time. Nah, if he rescued me and be like, what a time stuff. If he rescued me and like save my life.

Fuck man. I would be his for a good 10 years. Like there would be that whole like adrenaline. I'd be like, that was like that survivors thing. Like he saved my life. He's my hero. And I would live out like a worship.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say survivals. It's not survivors guilt. Cause that's the opposite. Yeah. That's when your friends die and you live and you're like

not Stockholm but kind of like Stockholm I guess hero worshipping this is the man that saved my life there's a thing for it I forget what it's called whatever that is

I would be just enthralled by this person and maybe would I be trying to recreate that spark in the lady years well I think in the lady years

you'd be like I'm falling off a building as Spider-Man and I'd be like Samet that spark in the late years. Well, I think in the late years... You'd be trying to kill yourself. You'd be like, I'm falling off a building, Spider-Man. I'd be like, Sam, honey, can we talk about this? I'd be like, why does a Green Goblin know my home address? I have no idea. It's crazy.

What's going on? I've been checking the emails. Norman Osborn, by the by. Spider-Man is this. He lives here. Come get me. I don't know. Green Goblin would meet Spider-Man and be like,

tell your wife to stop calling me. I know where you live. I am done. I'm done. I'm going back to just being Harry Osborn. Norman Osborn. Harry's his boy. I'm hosting on message boards.

You know, just be like, you know, any up-and-coming supervillains, hey, you want to take a look at Spider-Man? Superherospouses.com. Yeah, like, we're going to be here. And I reckon I'd give him a lot. I'd be giving Spider-Man a lot of time, but I reckon, depending how we met,

if we met with his, like, Well, that's what I was going to say. Let's say that we're in the same position as Mary Jane, because that's what we're trying to sort out. So let's say that we, in high school, we had a crush on Spider-Man, Spider-Man had a crush on us, oh, bingo, banga, boom.

You know, Gwen Stacy happened, he went through some griefing period, and we sort of were there, and we're like, hey. Just on that side note, that's why my 20 minutes answer comes in. Because you died. Green Goblin kidnapped you and dropped you off a building.

That's 20 minutes for me finding out that Peter Parker is Spider-Man. And then I ask him a lot of questions. And then I'm like, so Gwen Stacy? And he'll be like, yeah. And I'm like, I'm out. That'd be a horrible day to go on. Hey, remember your ex-girlfriend? See ya, bye.

Just think about that for the rest of the night. I'm too self-involved and egocentric to be like that would happen to me i'm special i won't die so yeah i'd be with him i'm gonna risk it i'm gonna risk it i'd be like i'm very important to him they're gonna come for me they want to hurt him it'll actually hurt him more through me than through him well i think i would stay i just be like, who are your villains? And he'd be like, Kraven the Hunter. I'm like, you think I was a fucking lion? And hunts in a city?

He'd be like, yeah, that's pretty dumb, I guess. Yeah, and Vulture? He's just an old man, huh? Elderly person. Yeah, that's dumb, huh? I'm like, you've got a lot of dumb villains, Spider-Man. Don't even get me started on Mysterio. Isn't he just a magician? No, he's a special effects supervisor for Hulk.

Yeah, I see what you're saying. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I'll stay with you, Spider-Man, because I like you as a guy, but I'm just... You get a lot of dumb villains. And on his villains,

Spider-Man's a young guy. He's a 16-year-old. All of his villains are way older than him. So by the time he rolls around to 45, 60, his villains are dead. He's got nothing to do anymore. That's a good point. Who survives? Like maybe Harry would calm the fuck down

by then. He's not going to still be alive. Harry would just chill out and be like, I was an angry young man. You've probably got Sandman. Vulture dead within 10 years. His daughter also will take up the mantle. I think she's called herself Vulture as well. That's a hassle

legacies yeah the legacy problem Venom will probably still be kicking Venom will find someone Spider-Man's found legacy virus he's not a mutant

it's cool agent Venom but agent Venom's in space we don't have to worry about him the Venom symbiote Venom sure but now Flash Thompson has that

so he's a little sweet plus he's a good guy now Carnage though yeah and Toxin if all of the symbiotes are fucking our day over so what's Toxin doing though sweet, and plus he's a good guy now. Carnage, though. Yeah, and Toxin. If all of the symbiotes are fucking out, they're over. So what's Toxin doing, though? I think Toxin's a good guy, because... Oh, yeah, Toxin's a cop.

I love Toxin. He's great. The greatest villain of all, Shockmaster. Oh, yeah, Shockmaster! Wait. Some of these. Are you telling me that there is an Electro, a Shocker, and a Shockmaster? Shockmaster.

I'm getting confused. It's definitely shocker it's shocker we're doing the shocker symbol ladies and gentlemen one of those ones I like that

Spider-Man has two electric villains that's the dumbest I'd be saying that on our date as well I'd be like weird that you've got electro and shocker

it'd be like well one's like can generate it one it's more of a mechanical thing I'd be like yeah but it's still the same power

aren't they a team? With a team name. Electric. They're just one dude. So Kingpin will be dead by then. He will have had a Connery within five years. It's Heart Attack City. Doc Ock.

Doc Ock. His arms might be a hassle. He's dead, but his arms might be a hassle. That's fine. As it's always shown in the future. Future spides. Who else do we even have? Rhino?

Dead? Lizard? Probably dead. Yeah, lizard dead. Just go through animals. What's the age of a lizard? They don't live very long, do they? Yeah, but he's a man with lizard bits.

He ain't a lizard with man bits. Although a lizard with man bits, that would be a great villain. Like a lizard body with arms and legs That are far too big I'm trying to think if there's any Teenage villains of Spider-Man Spider-Man is like I've never realised that

Spider-Man's a young kid Or a young man fighting older guys Like a 20 year old fighting a 40 year old Yeah and it's because none of them are like 26 or 30 They're all like 40 plus With Vulture being like 80 yeah

and you get Craven his kids yeah Craven the hunter kills himself yeah but he comes back because that whole

family is fucked up because the chameleon and that are his kids oh yeah chameleon like I said just go through animals you get Spider-Man

villains the dog no that doesn't exist but the jackal is so there you go fucking there you go I mean Gorilla Grodd but that's a fucking DC villain but look if Spider-Man villains. The dog. No, that doesn't exist. But the jackal is, so there you go. Fucking there you go. Gorilla Grodd, but that's a fucking DC villain. Look, if Spider-Man is punched a gorilla in the face,

I would not be surprised. In fact, I'm almost certain he has. So let's say a good two-thirds of Spider-Man's villains have shuffled off the mortal coil by the time Spider-Man's, say, 45, 50. Yeah. So he's not really dealing with anybody other than, like, fucking the New Goblin, Craven's kids, and Doc Ock's tentacles.

Yeah, and the symbiote. And the symbiote. If it comes back. So not really a hassle. Not really a hassle. However, I think Spider-Man would want to keep being Spider-Man. Oh, yeah. Because there's this great, I think, like, a backup story

or something like that during Dan Slott's run, where it's, like, he's running a company. Like, Spider-Man is the CEO of, like, a science foundation business, whatever it is and he's got some like shit he needs to get done for the next day and he's like i'll get right on it and then like as he's fighting some crime in spider-man like someone just drops a mobile phone like an apple like iphone he's like i need to return that and then he just spends like a whole fucking night at an adventure trying to return this iphone to somebody like he's going to the

cop he's like hey someone dropped their iphone the cop's the best. Like, he's going to the cop, he's like, hey, someone dropped their iPhone. The cop's like, we don't care, it's an iPhone. I'll get to the bottom of this. And he just goes on a wacky, crazy adventure

because Spider-Man or Peter Parker just can't help being Spider-Man. So I think he's going to accrue a lot more villains anyway. So even though his iconic ones will have died off

or been in jail or anything like that, I think he will still want to accrue younger villains because I think that's what he lives off. He likes the adrenaline. So I think he will still want to crew younger villains because I think that's what he lives off. He likes adrenaline. So I think I would leave Spider. I'd probably pull a Mary Jane, leave him after 20 years.

Yeah. You know? I'd pull a Gwen Stacy. Get kicked off a building and choked by the green gob. Nah, just put the green gob in your neck snap like fucking Spider-Man. That's how she does it. The green gob is not a flattering name.

Hey, green gob! What up? Fucking pumpkin bombs. What? So yeah, so I can... That's Hobgoblin. No, it's Green Goblin too. He also has pumpkin bobs.

Yes, they do. How's Hobgoblin related to Green Goblin? It's the same goblin outfit. No, like it's a prototype. Yeah, I think. So wait, which one comes first?

Green. Green. Green, but then... Hobgoblin is something else entirely. It's like a blonde dude with a mustache. Yeah. Yeah, I think. So wait, which one comes first? Green. Green. Green. Pop Goblin is something else entirely. It's like a blonde dude with a mustache. Then there's the Hemoglobin, who's like a vampire, I think. Is that Morbius? No, there's the Hemoglobin as well. Because Hemoglobin is like a thing in this.

I'm not even joking. There's a Hemoglobin. Genius. There's someone called the Tarantula. I know that much. Yeah. There's like good Spider-Man and bad Spider-Man. There's someone called the Tarantula. I know that much. Yeah. There's like good Spider-Man and bad Spider-Man. There's also that.

Then the whole the Morlan, the whole inheritors, all that nonsense. Something about who's the bone woman? Marrow? Marrow? No, that's X-Man. No, there's a bone woman. No, Marrow, she hangs out with Spider-Man. Okay, there you go.

Yeah. Not Vulture. What's the Black Cat? Oh, yeah. Felicity Hardy? Yeah, Black Cat. Or Felicia. What black cat oh yeah Felicity Hardy yeah black cat or Felicia what's her name

Felicia Hardy Tom Hardy's wife a lot of animals basically Tom Hardy's wife yeah does Spider-Man remain physically good

um I think he's kind of like wiry like he'll put on a little bit of weight like a bit of a punch going on but he can like

throw a punch at people. Does Spider-Man exercise? Are you fucked? What do you think fighting crime is? Yeah, but he swings to the city. I mean, swinging through a city, doing your patrol, that would keep you fit. That's got to up your cardio.

What? But with swinging, oh, no, you know what? With swinging, he kind of tucks his legs in. It's got to be great for your stomach and abs. Also, his arms. Yeah, he's literally pulling himself. I'm thinking of lower body. How often is he running?

Quite a bit. He'd be quite a fit, like 45-year-old. Think like monkey bars. Yeah. Can you do them, Jack? I can do the short ones. Exactly. So that's basically what Spider-Man doing,

but for like all the mind. Yeah, no, that's fair enough. So he'd stay in shape. And also he can like, you know, he can jump and that kind of stuff. His answer would be Callus Daz. Oh, I didn't know that. He says superhuman.

Yeah, well, that's what I was thinking as well. It's his cheat code. 45-year-old man Spider-Man's hands would be so hard from all the web. Ew. And his knuckles would probably have worn out a bit just from having a clenched fist. Yeah. Also, if he's punching people and breaking their hands and shit. Is he immune to brain damage?

Because boxers don't last too long. That's a good point. Boxers have to stop boxing because they've been punched in the head too many times. Imagine just getting clocked once in the skull by Rhino. One of his big, meaty Rhino fists. I'm supposed Spider-Man can still read and write. Has Spider-Man been knocked out? Yeah, heaps all the time.

So, you know, with... Superbaffling. American football. Nine out of ten, with... Super Matthew. Yeah. American football. Nine out of ten doctors say don't get KO'd. Please don't. American footballers, there's this big long study now that goes over years,

the fact that they get knocked out, they tell it was constant damage to their head, even though they're wearing helmets, but they're shown later in life they're just fucked. Yeah. So I think that is going to at least show up in Spider-Man's brain scans

like what's this dark patch over here what is this because he's been knocked out countless of times oh my god yeah and the amount of times

he's been because the moment you get knocked out if you're not knocked out for even a minute or even less than 30 seconds

that you need to go see somebody he's in danger of pulling a benoit none of you guys know what that is like benoit balls that you put up in a bomb?

No. Or a vagina. Dark story. Professional wrestler Chris Benoit. Lots of concussions in his career. Eventually snapped one night and murdered his wife and child. Whoa. Is Spider-Man going to pull a Benoit?

So you might pull a Benoit. I forgot about that. Unless that's covered by the spider superpowers. Not getting brain damage. Stop. Is Matt a web like, okay, Spider-Man, I'm going to quit, because did you see what happened to Benoit?

Chris Benoit. Yeah. Chris Benoit. He used to be an okay wrestler. He was like one of the best, but then he just showed it to the wrong people. Roid rage? Was it roid rage?

No, it was concussions and neck injuries. Just brain damages. They did scan his head after he died. He was like 35, 40, that area. His brain scan was like he had the mind of an 80-year-old guy with Alzheimer's. His head was just gone. Oh, Jesus. That's wrestling.

That's fake. That's fake. That's landing on like the mat. This is Spider-Man landing on concrete ground. On rhino skin being punched in the face. From skyscrapers. That's what he is. And his spider powers consist of whatever spiders can do.

Spiders don't need to protect against brain damage. So why would he be protected from it? That's so true. Although spiders don't... Spiders get brain damage. That's kind of funny. Didn't you say spiders get fall damage? Yeah.

Yeah. From a certain height, they must. If I dropped a spider from, like, a plane, probably. You drop, like, you knock a spider off a ceiling, it lands, it's fine. Yeah, but that's what I mean. Because it's critical mass. That's what it's called, isn't it? No.

Terminal velocity. Terminal velocity. Spider-Man's terminal velocity shouldn't have changed. He's not heavier. No, I know. But, no, I mean, like, spiders' terminal velocity. It mightn't be enough to kill a spider. Can Spider-Man make venom?

None. Does Spider-Man spin webs and then spin eggs in his webs? Sometimes. He's a male. Yeah. They still span webs. Yeah, sometimes. He turned into a spider once. Yeah, I was going to say, what happens to you psychologically when you get man-spided? This is an interesting theory.

Looking at Spider-Man 1 like the film the first Spider-Man Sam Raimi one. If Sam Raimi had have gone down the man spider path I wouldn't have even

been surprised. I would have been like classic Raimi. Vintage Raimi. In the first scene when they're going into the Oscorp or whatever it was called

and they're sort of showing the spider that bites him and they're like yeah this spider can do all this kind of crap that Spider-Man

can eventually do and they mention that this Spider-Man can also be like a chameleon and blend into its surroundings and it's never shown again of like what but they even mention it so there's this theory that even though like the spider bit peter parker peter parker is actually a giant spider but he's using the chameleon-like ability of the spider to just become a man so he blends into society so therefore whenever he like no one's around maybe even like subconsciously when he's sleeping just like that is one Mary Jane leaves him once you wakes up in the middle of the night. Jesus Christ!

He turns over to have a nice cuddle with Peter. Huge fucking spider. Damn, Peter, you wiry. I love the idea... You wiry, Peter. I love the idea of that being like, you know, Tommy Maguire just doesn't know how to interact socially in all those movies, and you're like, that's because Spider-Man's a dweeb. How great of it is just because he's a spider

and doesn't know what's going on. He's like, where was that moment where Peter Parker died in the spite of a gun? You know, that kind of thing. what's going on. He's like, where was that moment where Peter Parker died in the Spider-Bug gun? You know, that kind of thing. That's the question. It's a spider living in a Peter Parker suit. That's those films. Good.

And then occasionally the spider's like, I miss being a spider. So then he dresses up as Spider-Man. Yeah, there you go. How great would Spider-Man be if it was just an abnormally large spider? In a skin suit? No, not even.

Just a spider crawling around the city and it saves you but you're like, what the fuck was that? Well, there have been times where Peter Parker has turned into a giant spider. Yeah, but he always wears

like a costume. No. Really? Yeah, but he's like a man spider. I just want big spider. Like an eight-legged freak. Yeah, like an eight-legged

freak-level spider but you're like, he just loves justice. Mary Jane is leaving that in a heartbeat. I just love J. Jonah James and being like, it's a menace! And everyone's like, yeah, it's your giant spider. He would be so happy.

It's just a spider. It's fine. Like, we've accepted it. It lives in New York. It protects people from muggers. It's not a problem. The new arch-villain for that Spider-Man is a man with a rolled-up newspaper.

Exactly. A bigger man with a rolled-up newspaper. Yeah, exactly. A bigger man with a rolled-up newspaper. Get out of here. Isn't it great to imagine the Sinister Six with rolled-up newspapers? The one with the broom? We're going to squash this. Vulture could actually become a terrifying villain, just flying around. There's a reason I thought you meant to pick him up.

In his talons. He doesn't have talons. He's Galactus in Spider-Man ever. Galactus, yeah. Probably. Maybe crossover, I guess. Same world. him up in his talons he doesn't have talons sometimes he does in spider-man ever probably maybe crossover i guess yeah same world pretty sure peter park has been like in the

fantastic four at one point yeah he's been everywhere he's also been in power with the cosmic force and became like cosmic spider-man

yeah i remember does cosmic spider-man have a sick suit sounds like he'd have a sick suit he does i hate it oh it's dumb but it's

like kind of like uh it's mostly like white with like little patches like kind of like the outline there is like stars kind of like, it's mostly like white with like little patches, like kind of like, the outline there is like stars and shit, but then he's got this little tiny like little bandana, which is still the, over his like nose and mouth, it's the Spider-Man mask. It looks stupid. That sounds stupid.

But great, but very dumb. Do you think Spider-Man would go through like a midlife crisis? Do you think you'd hit a point where he was like, flashy spider car. Yeah, so all those Spider-Man toys where they have the car attachment, all that becomes real. He's like, how good? Everyone's like, he's a Spider-Man.

Well, he had the spider car, which could go up walls. Oh, wait, did the spider car have legs? Because I had a toy when I was a kid that had... It was a spider car. It was red. It had a claw at the front that you could extend with a button at the back. And then it had fold-out legs. Yep.

Great. That's amazing. I think this was just like a car that could go up walls. But there's a story. I think it's... I'm halfway through it. It's part of the Secret Wars thing, which is a Spider-Man brand new day, maybe? Yeah.

No. Something like in love. Whole new day. Who knows? Basically, big new day. Spider-Man and Mary Jane have a kid, and there's this one giant villain who's like, I'm going to fuck up everyone's shit.

And then Venom is also there, and Venom's like, I'm going to kill your wife and child. I'm going to fuck them up. And Spider-Man's like, oh, the Avengers want help over there, but wife and kid, so he goes and helps the wife and kid and kills or destroys Venom, but all the superheroes die. And then this one villain's like,

I'm going to outlaw superheroes, and basically any superhero I'm going to acquire and get their powers. So Superman's just on the DL with his wife and kid and starts raising the kid, and he's like, we can't show our powers. Superman or Spider-Man? Sorry, Spider-Man. Yeah, cool. Whatever. raising the kid and it's like we can't show our powers superman or spider-man uh sorry spider-man

yeah cool i was like whatever uh so spider-man is like all the marvel heroes are dead you got enough yeah whoopsie daisies so yeah keep your powers on the dl and has to sort of raise kid and not be spider-man again so it's sort of i guess like that but then of course he becomes spider-man because you know hey you Hey, he's Spid-Man. Yes. So I guess there is, like, would he want to retire? I think if he had a kid. And there's always been, like, hinted that he has kids and that kind of stuff

or that he should have at least had a kid, but then who knows what happened. Oh, boy. Really? Like, they hint that Spider-Man has, like, a secret family? No, it was... He's a bad father. He swoops in and they're like... Superhero, deadbeat dad. Our favorite thing here at Plumbing in the Dust is all dead here plumbing the dust off deadbeat dad ended but there was a comic which was basically like they had a kid called may i don't know what happened to it like i just generally do not know

i think mary jane was pregnant or something but then like maybe she lost the baby or something like that where'd it go where'd it go who Where'd it go? Who knows? It's gone. And then Norman Osborn got, like, his gathering of whatever. And then it was basically like, oh, yeah, we've hidden May somewhere. And everyone was like, Peter Parker was like, oh, shit, my daughter goes to the place. But instead of, like, the kid, it's Aunt May, who was rumored to be dead, but was actually just an actress that Doc Ock hired or something. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that. I was actually going to make a dumb Ock hired or something. Yeah, that whole convoluted story. Because I was like, yeah, the kid May just turned out to be the actress May that died and then the real May is alive and in a convoluted way. Aunt May was in this house. But then there's like May, there's like one future universe where she grows up to be

Spider-Woman and then there's Mary Jane and Peter Parker are there and they have another kid like a baby. Yeah. So there's like the mary jane and peter parker yeah and they have another kid like a baby baby um so there's that kind of option weird yeah it's very weird spider-man's whole history yeah it's a mess can we talk about the amount of times aunt may has nearly married one of spider-man's villains because i can think of three separate instances doc arc uh norman osborne and uh mole man i hope you can say harry osborne i'm like Because I can think of three separate instances. Doc Ock. Doc Ock. Norman Osborn. And Mole Man.

I hope he doesn't say Harry Osborn. I'm like, oh, may. Oh, yeah. He's just a bit of a bitch. Hates Peter. Hates the Osborns. Wants to marry everyone. Ruin everyone's life.

Because I think in a lot of them, Spider-Man's like, it's not with any ill intention. I don't know if the Mole Man one has none. And Spider-Man's just like, Aunt May, he's not my new dad. And Aunt May's like, I love Mole Man and he loves me. I'm not even joking. That's a comic. It's like from the 60s or something.

Beautiful. And in the end, Spider-Man's like, I just don't want it to be like this, Aunt May. And Mole Man's like, hey, I get it. And they don't get married. Because Spider-Man's a petulant child. Spider-Man's a little shit. I know. Thinking about a subterranean life.

He'd be your uncle, Spider-Man, not your dad. Settle down. Uncle? Yeah. Because she's Aunt May. Oh, yeah, Aunt May. You're thinking like Spider-Man now. Everyone's my mom.

See, Spider-Man's mom and dad are secretly dead shield agents They fell out of a plane or something Classic Richard Parker and Richard Parker the tiger from The Life of Pi Spider-Man mum Tiger from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon

Correct My favourite tiger in film My favourite is I was going to say Mike Tiger but that's not a name Wow So getting back to middle age Peter Parker

I don't think we've addressed that at all I don't think he would cope well at all Spider-Man is a type of superhero that, unlike Batman, who sort of ages with grace sometimes, depending on how things are going. Yeah. Spider-Man would... Like, his villains would retire or stop being villains

or die or whatever. Spider-Man would start losing... You'd sort of get, like spider-man reign spider-man happening but it would happen a lot earlier than it does in that comic book probably less sad i think basically i think it's gonna be spider-man's gonna be a deadbeat dad yeah because spider-man again he's he can't stop being spider-man he needs that he will accrue those villains and if may um sorry if mary jane doesn't leave him she's going to at least leave him with the kid and be like you're putting not just like

I signed up let's give credit to Mary Jane she signed up for this she knew he was a Spider-Man she was like I'll deal with it she could be like look I signed up for this but May our daughter did not you're putting her life in danger

and that's when you have that divide of Peter Parker what do you do are you going to just be a dad or are you going to be spider-man because i don't think you could be a dad spider no man dad spider what about dad man spider dad man spider well let's talk of side this is a side note this is uh yeah this is definitely an adjacent note yes an adjacent note um so i've got a can of dr pepper in front of me that's got age voltron on it and then i started thinking about man spider i really want a spider-man story in the new marvel or in the marvel cinematic universe where he turns into man spider and it has to fight the hulk how good would it be if they're like in civil war i know like sure good but how good would it be if in civil war they introduce spider-man and he's

only whatever actor they've chosen for like one scene and in that scene he gets man-spided and they're like no that's the marvel cinematic universe it's not spider-man it's man spider forever now guys you're getting a man spider movie oh sick um so getting back to man spider um so i think yeah no no you're right he would remain spider-man because well would he would he want want to be like, I'm, because Mary Jane being the ultimatum, I think, and that's what it really boils down to. I can actually pick this storyline. I can almost write it now. This is what would happen.

At the start of the storyline, Mary Jane would be like, no, Spider-Man, you're getting too old. This is too much. Like, you're starting to like, you're wearing down now. Like, yes, you're still Spider-Man and you're still much better. You're a tired Alzheimer's Spider-Man. You're getting older, you're slower, you're copping more of a beating,

the villains are younger. You've got a daughter now. You need to look after her. You need to be around for her. And then him being like, with great power comes great responsibility. And then he'd keep fighting. And then she'd be like,

but she's your greatest responsibility. And then he'd keep fighting. And then she'd be like, but she's your greatest responsibility. Yeah. Get your pens out. I was thinking she would say that towards the end and he'd be like, of course. And then he'd hang up the mantle. Except then it would probably be one more climactic fight and then it would just be a happy ending

because that's always what happens in storylines like that. Like, yeah, no, I do retire. The fuck? No one ever calls me. I don't know why this is happening is it your dentist again that's my stepdad norman osborne sorry what's up norman um yes what was i saying yeah and i couldn't i was there's always a

climactic battle and like the end of the storyline that, even though the rest of the plotline makes no sense. No, just let someone else deal with it. But yeah, I could imagine Uncle Ben visiting him in a dream or he's unconscious or something and he's like, no, no, Peter, you've misinterpreted what I've said. Your greatest responsibility was New York, but now it's your family.

Yeah. I like that Uncle Ben comes there, but kind of wanky. I much prefer that Mary Jane saying that, because that makes more sense. It sure does, but hey. Uncle Ben is in every story just by the fact it makes no sense. He's been dead for like 80 years. Let him be dead.

Let Uncle Ben lie. He doesn't come back. He's come back once, but that was a gift of Doctor Strange, I think. In the comics, anyway. Oh, okay. Yeah. No, I mean, like, there's always flashbacks. Oh, yeah. He could do a flashback. So I think that could be

either Peter Parker's gonna have to agree that he's gotta be the dad and stay the dad, or he's gonna be like... Yeah, see, that's what I think is more realistic. I think any superhero, it's kind of like a drug. You know? So here's the thing. Our bodies, as young men,

are designed for, like, hunting. Right? That's just... I mean, we're doing it bad, right? Are you sure? Because I couldn't hunt anything. No, well, that's the thing. Every day we shit on thousands of years of evolution. I've started going to the gym again, and I've started, like, running and stuff.

My shoulder hurts. Why? Why does that? What is that about? But, you know, like, when you go to the gym, you get that adrenaline rush. Which is making a jerking off motion. But using way too much shoulder action to explain why your shoulder hurts.

Way too much everything action, really. I was very optimistic. Yeah, that was like a young man masturbating. He's still got the whole world ahead of him. Slow down, buddy. Slow down, buddy. Take your time. You're going to win out your shoulder for a pound.

You better romance yourself. Why did you die yourself, mate? Have a bath. Treat yourself. But that's the thing. When you go to the gym When you work out You get that adrenaline rush Because you're like

Yeah This is one where my body's like Oh my god thank you This is what I fucking made you for Yeah Not eating candy Watching fucking Pretty Little Liars

Friday Night Lights Or whatever Right So when you're a superhero At superheroing Surely you're getting that rush The whole time You're like yeah

Oh yeah I'm out doing it Like you see this with With Spider-man like yeah he's out there you know fighting a villain he's like ah it's not making sense but then he's like oh hang on then he uses that bit of his brain where he's like i'm a smart guy and he's like i'll just use this instead and i'll like science around this and you can see him getting real fucking excited because he loves working out these problems and that i think is is gonna yeah you're right the moment he stops he's like i've lost that adrenaline that high i used to get because he tried to do that whole think is going to yeah, you're right. The moment he stops he's like, I've lost that adrenaline

that high I used to get because he tried to do that whole, I'm going to be a teacher I'm going to give it for the kids, I'm going to try and be a science teacher, but he failed, he couldn't do it. Much like JD in season 9 of Scrubs he can't simply be a mentor, he has to also be whatever he, a doctor?

Yes. What was that show about? A horse handler? Oh, no, I was forgetting. It was about the janitor, yeah. Was Mr. Ed's TV show just called Mr. Ed? Yeah, I believe so. Hmm.

I wish it had a better name. To support the idea of- Mr. Ed the Talking Horse? Yeah. Talking Horse album with Mr. Ed. Oh, that's a much better title. That is fantastic. You should tell someone about this. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, he needs it. with Mr. Ed. Oh, that's a much better title. That is fantastic. They should tell someone about this.

Yeah, you're right. He needs it. He needs that high. He effectively should get a runner's high from fighting crime. So I think Deadbeat Dad is the most realistic middle-aged Spider-Man. Yeah. That's a guy who's like, I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes. Whip!

So there's either one where he's like, yeah, I'll stop being Spider-Man, and then tries to be a dad I'll stop being Spider-Man and then he gets fat and sad tries to be a a dad fat and sad Spider-Man I would say he wouldn't get fat and sad

no it's gonna be one of two ways because it's exactly what Jackson's talking about there's several different fucking like no I reckon it's solely just one of two ways

yeah he either way Mary Jane leaves him there's no happy ending for him that's sad because he either stays Spider-Man,

looks after himself, is just working off that adrenaline always, and bad things happen to Mary Jane and daughter because villains are getting younger rather than older now. They're getting craftier, probably angrier. But would they care, though? If they're getting younger and that kind of stuff, I don't think they would give a shit about Spider-Man

unless it's a legacy villain like Kraven's kids. The thing is when you kill everyone's dads they're going to come for and if they can't kill your dad they're going to kill you. Your kid's dad. Spider-Man has killed a thousand Uncle Bens. He's created armies of anti-Spider-Man.

Let's be honest, Spider-Man has more than made up for Uncle Ben's dad. At a certain point he should be like okay I did it. After Kraven killed himself, he's like, we're even. But I think you're right, he would get fat and sad because he'd lose the... Or he'd stop and he'd get fat and sad

because it's the light. It always happens when people who are really, really into looking after themselves stop. They just start experiencing all the things that they never... He'd get on his body now. I think he would join the gym, that kind of stuff and also if his daughter has got people at the gym and be like you're running way too good for someone who's 50 and eating a bag of chips he'd be having to hoan down and get those calorie intake going and hoeing out on ice creams um every time you

mime ice cream i always think you're gonna say cereal how do you eat ice cream, I always think you're going to say cereal. How do you eat ice cream? Like this? Out of a cone? It looks like you're stirring butter and flour for a cake. But eating it. Like eating out of a bowl, like this. No, I get it. Actually, no, because if you go to mime ice cream eating it out of a cone, it just looks like you're licking a dick.

Yep. You're right. I don't know what that is. Jackson Deep's hurting his ice cream. If you've just joined us, this is Plumbing the Death Star present ice creams. if you've just joined us this is plumbingthedesk.present ice creams how have you just joined us don't trotch that dial don't trotch that dial

don't trotch that dial well he could always you know get his own home yeah get a treadmill I 100% guarantee you that would not happen

it would go one of two ways but he could you know be training his daughter like his daughter could become a superhero which is piss off May. The kick-ass storyline. Sorry, not May. Piss off Mary Jane.

MJ. MJ. That's why I think she'd leave him kind of no matter what. So I think if he was, again, doing that whole responsibility thing and being like, look, I need to be a good father, be a good role model, that kind of stuff, and then he could sort of be there. I reckon she doesn't leave him.

Or he sneakily goes out and be Spider-Man. The incredible storyline. And let's be honest, Spider-Man is not opposed to dressing up as different people. Yeah, that's true. Because he did that whole thing. The Incredible Bag Man. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Because he did, like, The Stingers, I think it was called, where he was, like, four different superheroes. That's the best. Like, he was, like, Hornet, Dusk, Ricochet, and... Bagman. I'm forgetting. Bagman.

Bagman, for those who don't know, is when Spider-Man was like, dang, I got a self-crime without a costume. Lucky I got a paper bag. Just draws, like, a smiley face on it. After a certain time, he would, like, run out of names. He was like, I'm Rope Man. Mary Jane would be like, that's clearly you, Peter. I know it's you.

No. He would simply just go to an animal encyclopedia and just pick a name. That's what he does. Fucking badger. I'm the badger today. I'm the glow worm. Blue whale. That's a weird name to choose.

So I think that's... So if there's... The ultimatum that Mary Jane gives him, he kind of goes either one where he's like, I'll be a good dad. And he becomes kind of fat and sad. He becomes sort of a bit more of a good father and not become fat and sad.

Does he kill himself at the end of that? I can see a comic book kill himself. I can see a very depressed Spider-Man. I think he might turn himself in. Because Spider-Man has killed people in his time depressed Spider-Man. I think he might turn himself in. Because Spider-Man has killed people in his time as Spider-Man. So after a certain point, if he's all depressed and sadly stops Spider-Man, it'll take

a toll on him and he'll be like, I'm going to turn myself into the cops for the people I've killed. And he'll go to prison and find Jesus. Alright! Born again, Spider-Man. Forget all the science as part of his character.

That's nothing. Born again, Spider-Man. Mark Moore would have a field day. You have a young kid coming up to Spider-Man or whatever, Peter Parker, and he's got all middle-aged years. And just be like, I know you. I've worked at your Spider-Man. I know this.

I've researched you. I've done all this kind of stuff. I've trialed you, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then be just kind of like, you would reveal that Spider-Man almost did what the burglar did to Uncle Ben, but what Spider-Man did to this guy's kid. Because how he fucking gets killed. He webs up the villains or the people and just puts them on a lamppost

and just chuffs off for the cops. And you just keep like, yeah, one, like one of my, my, my dad was out there. My uncle was out there doing something.

And you know, like, you know, he was like, for some reason was doing this and you roped him up, webbed him up to a fucking lamppost. Cops didn't come. They didn't come.

Your webbing dissolves. Broke his neck. He fell, broke his neck. He's dead. That was your fault. He does this in the New York ghettos and strings people up and leaves them. Gang members are going to come by before cops. He's just going to leave these people to die.

It's not an efficient way. You don't even call the cops. Rarely, if ever. You just hang them up and off you go. Yeah, and you leave a note. Fucking cops don't read notes. You need to call them. He's basically a serial killer,

taunting the families of his victims. Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Yeah. Exactly. And then so you could have something like that and then you have the toll of, you know, these people being like, oh no, I've done bad. With great power, I can get great things to do.

I'll go turn myself in. I'll turn myself in. You know what's great about that? I mean, aside from Born Again Spider-Man, which is my favorite thing ever, because I'm just imagining Spider-Man whipping up to your door and being like, have you heard about God?

And you're like, oh, Jesus. Yeah, it's him. No, is Spider-Man in prison and then all of his villains, but without their high-tech costumes, just beating the shit out of him? Imagine Rhino just being like, yeah, fuck you. That is the one situation

where Rhino is a proper villain in prison. Exactly. Doc Ock can't do shit. Doc Ock's just a fat little guy. And Rhino can't be separated from his Rhino suit. No, he's a proper mafia or so henchman heavyset guy going to beat the absolute fuck out of Spider-Man in jail. 50-year-old Spider-Man.

Cool. And 60-year-old Rhino. Yeah, but Rhino is in a suit. It doesn't matter. Yeah, Rhino's been, like, prison- That's sad. When Rhino dies, he'll just be in that suit as a corpse. He will.

They'll be like, we're going to get him out. We'll just wait until he's goo and tip it upside down. And just shake him. Somebody else want to hop in? Not until you've cleaned it. No. So, yeah, you've got those sort of possibilities if he stays with Mary Jane. But then if Mary Jane's like,

you either me and the kids or you Spider-Man, he's like, Spider-Man! Whoop! No, because in that storyline, he'd be like, you, of course, but then Mary Jane would catch him Spider-Man-ing and he'd be like, oh, well. This is it then.

Goodbye. But what about like Spider-Man fucking at the tail end of middle age? We're talking about Spider-Man whose brain is just super damaged. Can't read or write anymore. Chris Benoit, Spider-Man. Yeah, Chris Benoit, Spider-Man. I can actually see it.

Like, Chris Benoit wearing the thing. It's awful. Like, awful. So Spider-Man going insane, going to attack, like, Mary Jane and, like, his kid. Mary Jane at least having, like, the Avengers card so she can kind of at least signal to get them to help. Fucking Iron Man, like, middle-aged Iron Man coming down, having the sentry there.

All the people are like, what have you done, Peter? What the fuck have you done? I just like to imagine a senile Spider-Man getting, like, flipping to the top of a building and being like, what am I doing? And, like, all the cops being, like, down the bottom of the building being like, Spider-Man, you all right? And he's like, who are you?

Spider-Man, calm down. Just flip down. I'm so high up! If we take away the brain damage. But he would get it. That's the thing! What does Spider-Man... What does he want? Like, what does Spider-Man need?

What is his sort of end goal? Great responsibility, I guess. Just the weight of the world on his shoulders is his end goal. He's not going to stop, is he? No. His whole thing is great power, great responsibility. He always has power. Even as a 50-year-old man or a 65-year-old man,

he'll still have more power than the average person. I guess that's one thing we haven't looked at. He could start trying to research a cure. He's a clever man. What, for Spider-Man-ism? Yeah, but he could try and be like, well, this is what caused me to go get fucked. What's the opposite of a spider?

A fly. I get bit by a fly. So, yes, I'm saying you take away the brain damage aspect, because Peter Parker's a clever man, and he knows Tony Stark. So I'm sure if he starts showing... I'm sure at least after every battle, there's at least some med scans that they go through.

Even just being like, do you want to get tiny and hop in? Just like, repair some shit if you can. I'm sure they've got some technical, medical thing going on there. Just even a pill. Just a pill. You know.

Get some fucking Warren Worthington blood. Just scull that. Repair your brain. Wade Williams. Williams? Wade Wilson. Wade Wilson? Eddie Williams?

Get some of his blood in you. Yeah. Yeah, just like get an IV. Actually, that would be bad. Transfusion with Wolverine for a minute. Yeah, just a little bit of Wolverine blood. you. Just get an IV. Actually, that would be bad. Transfusion with Wolverine for a minute. Just a little bit of Wolverine blood. Warren Worthington blood, that heals you. Angel.

Just get Franklin to remove your brain damage. Franklin Richards. Just be like, here's an existence where that doesn't happen. You're like, alright, what just happened? Who knows? Franklin Richards, what a guy. Makes you cry. I did. Getting this blue ball.

All right. So I don't think, yeah, Peter Parker's not going to stop. I think he's just going to go into the sort of, you know those guys that you sort of see where they'll just never stop doing physical labor. Yeah. Like they'll just keep going. They'll just keep doing like, look, I've got to do this. I've got to do this. And it's like, dude, you're 65. You can slow down. Like, no, if I slow down, I die. Yeah. Like, they'll just keep going. They'll just keep doing, like, look, I gotta do this, I gotta do this.

And it's like, dude, you're 65, you can slow down. Like, no, if I slow down, I die. Exactly. He's a shark. Yeah. So, stop moving. I think if Peter Parker stopped, again, he'd probably get, like, fat and gross, or I think he's gonna die on the job. Yeah. Probably one day he just won't be seriously injured.

He won't be physically stable enough for when... So, when Peter Parker is holding up a building, as Peter Parker was wanting to do... Stopping a train with his back. So he's holding up that building. There's going to be like a twinge in his back. He's going to give way, like a muscle or something. And he's just going to be like, oh no!

Imagine a scenario where he's, you know, like the second movie, like Spider-Man 2, he's like holding the train. And you're like in the train, you're like, Spider-Man's got it. And the train's like slowing, slowing. Then it starts speeding up again train and you're like in the train you're like spider-man's got it and the train's like slowing slowing then it starts speeding off again and you're like what happened spider-man torso just on the front of the train arms and legs just popped off you're like well jesus this marks a sad day for new york city you would have to have like stashes

of like glucosamine tablets stashed around the city just to fight his crippling arthritis. Yeah, he would. Oh, God. A dozen times a day, he'd have to take handfuls of them. Yeah.

So can you imagine him being all wiry as well? I can't imagine him being still fit and everything. He'd be like, you know, old man body? Yeah. Yeah. But a bit wiry but like bony with like droopy flesh

yeah bit melted the bit melted look bit melted look um no I reckon he's gonna be haunted by the great power comes great responsibility

and I think that he'd be offered the ultimatum mm-hmm and he'd be like I like I can't do what Mary Jane wants me to do and like give up

on everything like because that's going against what Ben says. I need to find a cure for this because without power I have no responsibility. And then Spider-Man powerless for a bit and then his family get in

trouble. He gets his powers back and then at the end Mary Jane's like no, of course you can continue. You still have great power. Wear your great responsibility. Or even have him be like he doesn't get his powers back he's attacked imagine him being like no that's the start of stand by me the body they find is peter parker no but how good to be like he loses his powers then like say fucking the scorpion comes and he's like i'm gonna fuck you up and he's like i still gotta

protect my family he's like i've lost my power power yeah but i still have responsibility like somebody's still gonna do it smarts to stop that'd be a neat neat little time potatoes in a sock whack him whack him mashed potato in a sock smack himack him. Whack him. Mashed potato in a sock. Smack him in his nuts. There's no way we're fucking not protected on fucking Scorpion. Face. Or be like, hey, ghost Jackal. Like, Jackal, look. I know you've cloned a bunch of me.

Give me three. Just three. That's all I ask. That's all I ask for three. I'll take two. Just give me two. We can haggle. We can haggle.

It's fine. Look, I know you've got This weird pseudo relationship You want with me I don't know what it's about It spooks me But I'm a little scared of it But look Give me two

Is Scarlet Spider still kicking it? See if you can find Scarlet Spider Spider-Man And be like Do you want to do it? Yeah He turned into a giant spider Got stabbed

But then he reverted back To a normal spider Oh he's just Scarlet Spider I think there's Kane as well There's a lot of Spider-Man clones Gunking up New York. So I think you could get a bunch of clones to help you out in your middle age. If the Spider-Man stops Spider-Manning,

there are still other Spider-Men to Spider-Man. Yeah. That's very true. Another option for middle-aged Spider-Man could be, if he's still haunted by this whole great power construction ability, is that you could start almost an academy for young superheroes. An academy for Spiderman. An academy for

gifted youngsters? Yes. I'm Peter Spiderman. Welcome to my Spiderman academy. All the students would not respect him because he's not a mutant. You're a poser. They did this. They did this. He became like a guidance counsellor, like taking over one of the school

thing after Wolverine's death and everyone was like you're not a fucking mutant what the fuck are you doing you piece of shit even Storm was like

who the fuck are you as if they have never explored the alley of Spider-Man actually being a mutant before I think they have surely they would have

he's not but they've looked into it no but it's similar to how Deadpool how he has a mutant thing so that when he gets bitten by the spider, that's why. Because Amazing Spider-Man 2 sort of...

They looked at it in... They've always been really comfortable with the origins, though. They never felt the need to, we've got to sort of change it a bit because it's not good. Make it hip. They're really happy with him being bitten.

That's fine. Like Ezekiel. It works. That storyline when it first sort of brought up. Like spider gods and shit? Yeah, it was kind of like, were you bitten by the spider or did the spider seek you out? Did you get bitten by the spider or did you bite the spider?

That's where I thought that sense of what was going. You got Madame Web kicking it. Yeah. Sometimes like, yo, Spider-Man. And he's like, what? And she's like, there's bad guys coming. He's like, oh, okay. And she's like, yeah, whatever. I'm just on kicking it. Yeah. Sometimes like, yo, Spider-Man. And he's like, what? And she's like, there's bad guys coming. He's like, oh, okay. And she's like, yeah, whatever.

I'm just on a chair. Yeah. Yeah, no, I just always thought that like, because, you know, like Wade Wilson, like how he's got the healing factor. Department H kind of thing. Yeah. Department H.

Sounds like a fucking hemorrhoid cream. Also, like, you know, and this is kind of a problem with just superheroes in general. The moment Spider-Man, say, dies. Rest in peace. is kind of a problem With just superheroes in general The moment Spider-Man Say dies Rest in peace It's not a problem Like Spider-Man's like

I should keep the city going Surely the other superheroes Are like no no it's fine Yeah we've got it Especially in new fucking York You're the Avengers mate Settle down

I think another option Would be for middle aged Spider-Man to Yeah start a school Or at least an after school Program For gifted youngsters Like maybe he should pull a Daredevil

and I'm just going to take this couple of city blocks. This could be my bit. I'll take this bit of Queens. Spider-Man's villains mostly are just villains to Spider-Man. Yeah. Some crossover like Daredevil and shit like that. Yeah but Kingpin.

Kingpin. But like you never see fucking Tony Osborne Tony Osborne Yes Norman Osborne's like cousin Tony You never see Tony Soprano in an X-Men comic Is what Jackson's trying to say

That would be amazing Pretty much just hassle Spider-Man. I know he becomes the fucking Iron Patriot and shit, but when he's Green Goblin, yeah. Who else is he

fucking hassling? How weird is that? Imagine, but New York is so full of superheroes. Imagine being like Tony Stark, right? And you go out

at the fucking Avengers Tower and you go out and you like have your fucking coffee and your fucking dressing gown and you just look over

and you're like, here's a Green Goblin chasing spider-man it's not a problem for literally anybody but spider-man yeah spider-man says he's a superhero and man raises up he's like uh he's gaunted like gaunted at hand like do i and hawkeye just puts his arm down he's like no don't worry about it turn tone look we got like important things aliens to put in a hole on the balcony He's on the balcony, one hand hover coffee, one hand arm outstretched. Clearly being like Tony Stark. Like imagine like Venom going up against the X-Men.

It's like, I'm going to get you. I can't move. Why can't I move? Yes. Oh, God. So my fucking Banshee's like, yo, my power is sound. Ah! Yeah.

It's like, oh, yeah, what was that, Venom? Ah! Tries to kill Wolverine. Wolverine's like, mate, come on. You do not know me. Has there been a symbiote Wolverine before? Almost definitely. There's been a symbiote Hulk.

Oh, that's sick. There's been a symbiote T-Rex. That was dope. What? Yeah. Oh, man. What? That's a weird thing about Spider-Man.

I mean, it's not really got to do with him being middle-aged, but he's sort of relevant. Yeah, a bit irrelevant. I think I can see him in his early stages of the midlife crisis. I can see him trying to still be youthful, still be young, still trying to get down with the young kids, so he'll find the young Avengers and be like, hey, guys, what's going on?

I'll hang out with you. They're going to be like, fuck, it's Spider-Man. He's going to be the mature age student in your class. He's just going to be hanging around. You can't tell him to fuck off because he's Spider-Man. He's going to be like the mature age student in your class. He's just going to be hanging around. And you can't tell him to fuck off because he's Spider-Man. And you have to have that sort of respect for him. He's one of the old heroes. But he's also this old guy who's trying to act young.

And it's really uncomfortable. How about I just play an orange and then you black to use Spider-Man? You do see that already, though. There was a bit where he does a crossover thing with the Inhumans who marvel like, Fuck X-Men. Let's try the Inhumans because we have the rights for them. Is this going to be a movie? Yeah.

These guys have been here forever, we swear. So they have the young Inhumans being like, fuck you, Spider-Man, you outdated piece of shit. Go away. He's like, nah, I'm hip, I'm cool. I'm down with the kids. Yeah, yo. J. Jonah Jameson realizes that Spider-Man is Spider-Man.

Peter Parker is Spider-Man. Probably pretty soon. Everyone works out. It's going to be like, by the time he's middle-aged, it's going to be like the dirtiest secret in all of New York. Yeah, Peter Parker and Spider-Man, don't mention it. We all know. The only person who doesn't know is Peter Parker and he just doesn't know that we know.

It's pretty sad. The dark night rises again. We should have told him years ago we missed the point. Now it's kind of embarrassing. She used $20 to take a photo, but $20 is like, come on. How hard did you actually work for this, Peter? Pretty well. I had to tell my friend Spider-Man to, I'll give you $30.

You know, Peter, I'll give you 30. Yes. You know, Peter, I didn't ever want to say this, but nobody ever takes photos of you and Spider-Man. I noticed that. You can't be that good friends. They'll just print off the camera roll, but there'll be a bunch of pictures of just him. They'll be sorting through it at the Daily Prophet.

What is it? Daily Prophet? That's the Harry Potter one. Daily Bugle. Daily Bugle. And they'll be like, it at the daily profit of the daily what is it daily profit daily they'll be like oh peter parker's dick oh that's a little okay i like it all right it's peter parker's dick because it's covered in like spider bits because it's spider-man sick because he's still wearing the spider-man like the times just pulling it down to take a sneaky nut shot. On a skyscraper. Are there any other superhero that has, like, a whole team that are formed to be like,

fuck you, fuck you right in the eye? I mean, not really. Because, I mean, you've got Batman and his rogues gallery. But they're like, well, we're doing other shit and also we kind of hate Batman. Spider-Man's rogues gallery is just like, fuck Spider-Man. Like, holy shit shit fuck that guy I hate that guy let's have a team

because literally of our mutual hate of this one teenager yeah because he is like he has that teenage mentality of like making fun and making jokes

and he thinks he's being hilarious but if you start calling like an 80 year old man a bald flying prick that's gonna hurt and like he's making a joke about him like again

like you probably can't afford your, whatever, the payment, your daughter's, whatever. It's going to be like, ugh, I can't,

you piece of shit kid. Come on, kid. I'm like 80. There'll be so many nights where Vulture's on top of a skyscraper just weeping to himself. Yeah,

because Spider-Man is a bully. Like, he is genuinely a fucking bully. So I reckon there's just going to be a bunch of people that get together and just be like, Sinister Six, hey, have we tried Sinister 84? Let's just kill fucking Peter. You know Spider-Man's an old senile man now? Let's just get him.

Can you imagine they're all in the same retirement village? It's fucking Spider-Man. What? Gideon. They're playing the long con. I don't understand. When he's asleep, they're going to do a full metal jacket

and put bars of soap and socks and just frag him in the middle of the night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spider-Man would be in such a panic when he woke up. What's happening? Swip, swip, swip. Web all over the room.

Imagine how confusing... 83 people just stuck to one guy with a sock full the room. Imagine how confusing- 83 people just like stuck to the wall, one guy with like a- Imagine how confusing spider-sense would be when you've got dementia as well. Oh no. You'd even have less of a clue what's happening cause you're already trying to piece together your life, then all of a sudden, danger! Danger! Danger!

Where is it? It would just fire off at random. He'd just be like having a dinner with Mary Jane and then suddenly he'd be like thwip and just like smack out the fucking roast turkey she's carrying. And when he gets old and conservative, his definition of danger is going to change. There are some youths

over there that don't look quite right. Come on. My spider sense. Black teens! Thwip, thwip, thwip. I like that Spider-Man just gets super racist. Much like all old people. I also like that Spider-Man just gets super racist much like all old people it just happens

I also like that we've gone from middle age to senile to elderly I think the best solution for Spider-Man to avoid all of his problems just turn into Man-Spider bro just Man-Spider and scuttle the fuck off let's be honest a Man-Spider never ages Man-Spider just keeps man spidering.

Teach a man spider new tricks. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. I've been Tom. This question was brought to you by Zoe's parents who donated to us on Patreon and were like, do an episode about middle-aged Spider-Man.

So enjoy. I hope you liked it. So we're sorry if you didn't. You'll find the Spider-Man. So enjoy. I hope you liked it. So we're sorry if you didn't. You'll find the Spider-Man. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.