Plumbing the Death Star - How Would We Impress Shania Twain?

Episode Date: April 14, 2024

Smart guys, good looking guys, guys with little machines - these things do not impress famous Canadian-Italian Shania Twain but maybe the three biggest knuckleheads in podcasting can figure out what (or who) will impress Shania Twain. Could it be a himbo? Or a loathed toad of a man? And does it change anything if Shania stubbed her toe at the start of the song? A lengthy discussion about doodads and contraptions is had and make sure you all marvel at the inventions Duscher, this generations greatest inventor, comes up with. Arise Sir Wife, it’s time to get our floppy rocket into outer space.Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspant Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. I'm also Joel. And Plumbing the Death Star is a comedy pop culture podcast that asks the important questions like How would we impress Shania Twain? Before we get to the episode, we need to address something. So last week I had three of the same drink.

You sure did. And Jackson threatened my life. And I thought, and then people divided the fan base. Some were like, that's only a liter of water. That's actually normal. Others were like, it's the same drink three times. That makes me sick. It was the Plumbing the Death Star Civil War.

That's what it was. I've tried three different drinks today. That's equally annoying. Are you switching between all three? I think this time I'll probably... I'll drink the Red Bull. You've got a Red Bull? A Red Bull, a Coke Zero, and a... Mount Franklin.

Pineapple sparkling water. Now I also have a Mount Franklin pineapple sparkling water. Delicious drink. I have a coffee. Delicious drink too. So I got three delicious drinks. It's crazy because you often pair two drinks with meals. Yeah.

And they're often fucked up drinks. What's with a meal? Three drinks is crazy! Two drinks is fine. What kind of drinks? If you have a drink and say a glass of water and then you have another drink. Coffee and a Sprite?

See? Apple juice and a milkshake? See? You can do. I don't know. In the Civil War, who fought both? Who attacked all sides in the Civil War? Yeah, fair enough. Who hate both America and, I guess, the British? Yeah.

Hmm. Hmm. I don't know, but whoever it is, that's you, man. Please, I'd, the British. Yeah. Hmm. Hmm. I don't know. But whoever it is, that's you, man. Please, I'd like to know. I want to, I guess, join their nation. I'll be all perked up in the episode, though. That's good.

Well, Jackson just makes himself sick with his two drink choices. Oh, I'm going to mix apple juice and milk. It actually is awesome, and there's no negative effects. That, scientifically, is just inaccurate. There's pairing milk with... You can have a milk and a coke. Yes, you can have a milk and a coke. I did it on an episode of Gamey Gamey Gamey. I drank a kill blow.

And what happened? Everyone was mad at me. You can have a milk coke, I believe. It's delicious. You can, but you shouldn't. You can have a fucking spider or float. Yeah, I have had a fucking spider or float, and I don't think they're that good. Same thing.

I love them. So Shania Twain. Yes. She wrote her the song. She wrote her the song. That don't impress me much. That don't impress me much. So we're trying to figure out today.

What can we do? What can we do? How can we impress her? Shania Twain. Because she has a couple of criterias that she goes through that clearly do not impress her. And one thing that, like, well, I guess she wants. Okay, so straight off the bat, first verse. And this is a sneaky one.

Because at first you're like, oh, she hates smarts. But it's actually not that at all. I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smart. You think you've got being right Down to an art You think you're a genius You drive me up the wall You're a regular original know-it-all

So really it's like an arrogant sack of shit It's like I'm smart and I know it And I'm going to say all these things Maybe potentially confident And so you're like I'm very confident about this thing Because I'm so clever and correct Even though I'm like maybe you're like, you know, like, oh, I'm very confident about this thing because I'm so clever and correct. Even though I'm like,

maybe you're not. Maybe you're dumb as a no at all. But all you do, you just, but you want to be known as a no at all. But she does later on. I mean, maybe this is the same thing.

This is at the second verse. The first verse right now is like, if you are smart, shut the fuck up. Yeah. Well, cause in the pre-chorus, or in the chorus,

she says, so you got the brains. So she's like, yeah, you,'re clever, but have you got the touch? Exactly. Orgasms. Yes. Yeah. Because like, yeah, so you're a rocket scientist.

Because clearly she doesn't like rocket scientists. You know books, but do you know the pussy? Yeah. You've read a book on pussy. But do you know? When it comes to the crunch, when the pins are down. When the pussy is there Which is like again

If you think about That story from NASA Where it was just like We're sending a woman in space For a week or whatever How big your pussy How many tampons you need 100

You need 100 tampons And she's like what the fuck No I need 200 tampons do you need? 100. Is that enough? You need 100 tampons? And she's like, what the fuck? No. Yeah. I need 200 tampons. I have the world's biggest pussy. The heaviest blow and the biggest pussy. This makes sense to us.

We are rocket scientists. Do we think, before we get into the verses properly, do we think the context for this song is changed by the fact that the first line of the whole song is, Ow. Janiya Twain is in pain. Ow. Ow.

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. So she's hit her head. Stop the talk. Stop the talk. Because you know when you're in pain and somebody tries to talk to you. Then you're like, shut up.

Okay, so you need to... Just deal with being sore. So to paint a picture, she is at a bar. Yeah. She's going to order to you. Then you're like, shut up! Okay, so you need to just deal with being sore. So to paint a picture, she is at a bar. Yeah. She's going to order a drink. Someone is about to hit on her and as she goes to order a drink,

she stubs her toe. Ow! Ow! And then the person's like, anyway, hey, I'm a rocker. That don't fucking impress me! You stub on my toe! That don't impress on me.

I stub on my toe! I'm Shania Twain. I stop on my toe. Shania Twain. Italian Shania Twain. Famous Canadian. Famous Canadian. Famous Canadian. Italian. Famous Canadian Italian.

Shania Twain. I stop on my toe. That don't impress on me much. That don't impress on me much. So this is more like the arrogancy, gaslighty, talk-over-y kind of guy. Like the guy whomst you know in real and whom sucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're out there dating men, you've experienced this guy.

And he blows. Yeah, he's no good. He's no good. Good luck. Break up with that man. Yeah. But this is probably not something we were going to try to impress her anyway. No.

I don't think I'm right. Our opening move is not I'm a genius. My opening move is to put my hand in the peanuts and then get an as of before unheard peanut allergy. You ever seen a man crack open a peanut without even using his forehead? As you slam into the bar, discover a peanut allergy, start choking. My forehead starts to swell for some reason.

Help me, I'm sick. Should I call an ambulance for you? I don't know. This is new for me. I don't know, Shania Twain. I don't know what the fuck is going on. I think my brain's swelling. I'm going to try one of these peanuts.

Maybe if I wash down the pain with one of these peanuts. Shania Twain, all it did was make my throat swell like my forehead. Shania! Shania, hey! Shania, help! Okay. Oh, oh, you think you're special. Oh, oh, you think you're something else.

Oh, so you're a rocket scientist. That don't impress me much. So that ties into the, oh, you're smarter than me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, shut up. Exactly. So you got the brains, but how have you got the touch? Now, don't get me wrong. Yeah, I think you're all right, but that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night. They don't impress on me much.

Ah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So again, this comes down to the, all right, you're so smart, but can you finger a pussy? No. Or I guess fuck a pussy or eat out a pussy. Or just be intimate. Just be intimate. You can be intimate. Or maybe, yeah. You can be intimate just be intimate yeah you can be intimate

or maybe yeah you can be intimate 69 yeah you know like spooning

spooning is intimate yeah anal the meaning the meaning of life a sketch where it's just like you know

how you arouse somebody yeah it's almost like sex oh it's always straight to sex yeah yeah you can do something

you can tweak a nipple. That's true. You could tweak a nipple. Like a bum cheek. It's not always about penetration, douche. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I know. Put your knob on the back of their neck.

Yeah. Nothing more intimate. That's true, though. Babe, bend over. Okay. Oh, this is amazing. Are you squatting over? How the fuck else am I putting my nuts?

How is that more normal? Why do you involve so many stools in your lovemaking? Okay, so I'll lay out in this situation. It's a funny little joke because obviously the bend over, it's like, okay, this is a doggy style. I'm from from behind situation. And then I move, and then I put the nuts on the neck. Yeah. But you've brought a stool to play.

Babe, bow. I'm going to stand on this stool and give you a bow on your head. I'm going to knight you. I learned about this thing online called knighting. Let's see if it's good. Yeah. I've come. It was good.

Was it good for you? Sir wife. No, that was bad for me. Bob, you're still sir wife now. On my back? Fucking hell. Okay, verse two. This throws a curveball very early.

Yes. I never knew a guy who carried a mirror in his pocket. Yeah. I guess she's meeting him right now, hey? Yeah, yeah. It's just kind of, well, this person is vain. Like, oh, wow, I've never met a guy, you know, before you, who carried a mirror in his pocket.

Yeah, and I'd curl up his sleeve just in case. Just in case. This guy's very vain, and he's very good looking, very handsome. All that extra whole gel in your hair, I don't like it. Because heaven forbid it should fall out of place he's a perfectionist out of place that's pretty Italian

out of place out of place Italian Shania dude I'm there remember our famous character already the three drinks are causing you problems then she goes

uh oh you think you're special uh oh you think you're something else oh okay so you're Brad Pitt now is it Brad Pitt. Now, is it Brad Pitt? No, it's the same way that she's referring to the smart guy as a rocket scientist. I know that I'm plumbing the Death Star.

We don't like to. We take it on face value. In this instance, the person was not a rocket scientist. It's like, oh, you're a rocket scientist. Oh, you're Brad Pitt. I think there's room for both. Yeah. We don't know. I think there's room for both. Yeah. We don't know. I think there's room for someone who is like, you know,

very clever and very arrogant and very much like, I'm a smart and know-it-all. I'm like, ugh. But then there's also like a, and also a rocket scientist. I think she hates both of them. I think she, I think, and also. Same person who's like, I'm very vain. I'm very good looking.

I make sure I'm perfect with how I look. And also, there's Brad Pitt. And Shania hates them both. Exactly. All right. Fuck Brad Pitt. Yeah. Yeah.

Plus, I think a rocket scientist has a higher chance of being that kind of guy, too. A cunt? Yeah, if you're a rocket scientist. Rocket scientists that listen to Plumbing the Death Star, let us know. Do you suck? If there's a rocket scientist out there that's listened to Plumbing the Death Star, the blood on their hands. Because let me tell you,

the rocket they have designed. The first ever flaccid rocket. Why is it so wet? Science isn't entirely sure. Should it be leaking? That's not oil. How's it good? It's so flaccid.

How will it ever get the smell? To break the stratosphere, you need to lube up the rocket. How did this guy get... How does it not make any sense to need to lube up the rocket. How does it not make any sense to you? Lube up the rocket. Well, he seemed normal until he downloaded a podcast. He said it was in his podcast and it's made him sick, I think. Now did you get all that orangutan hair I asked for?

I need to put it around the thrusters to make sure the balls are hairy. Right. Okay, man. And I was really late in the game to fire you. We've spent a trillion dollars on this rocket. If I can get like a real whale vein so I can just put it on the side. It's got to look like a penis vein. There's nothing

in the budget for veins. Then how are we getting to space? We're gonna have to let you go. While I quit. Wouldn't want to work for these amateurs anyway. So then we roll into the chorus again. It's slightly different

but it only changes one word. So instead of brains, it's looks. That don't impress me much, so you've got the looks but have you got the touch? Now don't get me wrong, yeah, I think you're alright, but that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night. That don't impress me much, yeah. So yeah, you might look incredible. Sir Wife still unsatisfied.

You might look beautiful, but can you eat pussy? I really like the next line because I know obviously what she's referring to but it's just such a funny line in isolation. You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine. Chronic masturbator. She's been shining my machine in the shed.

You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in to the machine. I can't believe you kissed your car goodnight. Now come on, baby. Tell me you must be joking, right? Now, obviously the car is the machine. But it's awesome to imagine there's a separate

machine. Yes! If I had a machine, you know, a device, some kind of apparatus. A contraption. A contraption. A doodad. No, a doodad's different. A doodad's smaller, you're right. A doodad's like a like a... A gizmo. It's like a pocket knife, but when you open it

it's got a... I wanted to say fork, but that's just a fork. It's a pocket fork. Your gizmos are getting fucking out of control. A pocket fork? Here we are around this campfire eating beans. I did not bring any utensils.

Luckily, I bought my pocket fork. Have you got a pocket knife too? No. I swapped the knife out for a fork. Has anybody ever told you you're a genius? No. They're the smartest men I've ever met. Maybe they should.

You're right. That's a doodad. Barely. It's a doodad. Barely. It's a doodad. Where a contraption is like, kind of like, what if you put a backpack on, but there was a big fan on it, and it pushed you fast. That's a contraption. I believe a contraption is like, you've got to go with it.

Yeah. Yeah, but you put a backpack on. I suppose that's close. I don't know if that's a contraption. I believe a contraption is like, you've got to go with it. Yeah, but you put a backpack on. I suppose that's close. I don't know if that's a contraption. That feels like an invention. A contraption's like, step into the contraption, and you step in and you get like... And then like, yeah.

You step in the contraption, and there's like a bunch of whirring gears, and then this like metal arm comes down, like this joint or whatever, with like a glove and just slaps you in the face. That's a contraption. It's my think machine. It slaps my head until I have an idea.

A contraption is kind of like a little bit of self-like. It's a bit of an infliction of pain somewhere. You think a contraption requires pain? Like accidentally. Well, not in your one. You were slapping yourself in the head on purpose. Well, no. Its role role is to cause pain.

If you made an apparatus. Yes. It's causing you so much stress. If you made an apparatus that if you step inside, it disrobes you. Yes. Like it gets you naked. Yes. Is that an apparatus?

I would call that a device. That to me sounds like a contraption. Device? That's not a device. A device needs to fit in the palm of your hand. Is his pocket spoon a device? Spoon? In a way.

Fuck! I've invented the pocket spoon. No, that's not a device. A device needs to be like... A device has it in the palm of your hand, but has a button you can press. Yeah, you have the palm of your hand... It's a TV remote. You press the middle button and it gets hot.

Yeah, he presses the middle button and a spoon pops out. You're the greatest inventor of our modern age. Behold. But now it's created warmth. Can we pick it up again? No. It will remain hot until the battery's run out. I guess it's a very primitive pocket warmer.

Yeah, but I don't think you want to turn it on in your pocket to get third-degree burns. Put it outside your tent? I don't know. Instead of a campfire, maybe? Have you ever wanted to cause a fire real quick when you cannot put out? But slower than matches.

Jolluz's device. Slower than matches. You can't light a cigarette but you will cause a forest fire okay okay so the device is in the palm of your hand is there a difference between a contraption and an apparatus

you can drive a contraption but you step into an apparatus I reckon apparatus feels like it's kind of like if I put a rod on my arm. Apparatus feels more like an egg beater type thing. That's an apparatus? Yeah, look at a crazy apparatus.

And it's got two egg beaters and some kind of thing you honk. Yeah. That's an apparatus. And then as you do a nap, something comes out. That's an apparatus. The Joel Zabit kitchen apparatus. Fuck up your eggs.

Wreck your eggs day. And a device. Sorry, not a device device That's the hot button Also Dushy's apparatus Let's return to that Was a rod in his arm No It's a brace you put on your arm

And there's like a rod And then attached to the end of the rod Would be like A glove So you can extend your hand poorly Yeah That's an apparatus Like if you wanted to slap someone Sloppily another forearm's length away.

Yeah. That's an apparatus. Okay. That makes sense. What about a machine? Returning to the actual song. Machine's a car. No, it could be anything.

It could be anything. A machine. Oh, I forget. Okay, so I need to let everyone in on. I wasn't even thinking of the song when I snapped. It's a car. So I think that Shania is probably on the bang on the money deal. I think she is referring to a car.

She 100% is. However. If she said little machine, though, that would be a bot. That could be anything. That could be anything. Most likely a phone. Yes. But a machine could be.

Because I think it depends how you introduce the machine. Shut up. Finish my first drink. You say, behold my machine. That machine's huge and it's going to put out the sun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's's huge and it's going to put out the sun. That's like fucking the Wizard of Oz bullshit. Behold my machine and there's a big face

that yells at me. I call him Dad. Why did you make this? Dad 1000. Hello, sons! Hey, Dad! Hey, Dad. Hey, what?

I love you, sons! That's awesome. I love you, too. This is a great machine you've invented. One of the best machines ever made. Have you beheld him? Yeah. There's a trend today of us just saying, like, being like, oh, yeah, machines like, and then

taking a big run up. But there's nothing at the end. There's just trend today of us just saying if like being like oh yeah machines like and then taking a big run up I want to get smaller again the difference between a gizmo and a do that yeah because a gizmo was whatever man Gizmo was the hot remote. Yeah, no, that's a device. Gizmo was the flip spoon. The pocket fork. I think a gizmo needs to whir. Gizmo needs to be electronic. I reckon what I said was actually a doodad. Yeah, that was a doodad.

If his pocket fork, if you press a button and LED lights started blinking and there was like a... He filled some pocket knife that got phone reception. I think that would be a gizmo. Or one that could read your thoughts or something. An RC knife.

An RC car. Again, he's making noise. If you put a little tiny speaker Cars make noises. You're right. But I think it needs to be the kind of thing where you put Like an RC car as it is

is a gizmo. A doodad A doodad feels like it needs to be the kind of thing where you put, like, you... Like an RC car as it is, is a gizmo. Yeah. But a doodad... A doodad feels like it needs to be made. And a doodad doesn't need electronic parts necessarily. I feel a doodad is, like, analog. Yes. Very mechanical. Kind of like if you imagine, once again, like, say, a stick,

and you've got, like, maybe a couple... Again, we'll use sticks and gloves. One stick. We understand sticks and gloves. And you've, like, you know, And you've drilled a little hole, whatever, put that on, attached, like, say, I don't know, four other sticks with some gloves and spun it, and you slap someone with it.

That is a do-down. That is a do-down. And I like that it's a sort of more analog version of your face-slapping device. Exactly. It's for on the go. No, so the thinking device, was it a device? No, that was a contraption.

That was a contraption. That contraption makes you think of doodads, and then that's what you invent in the doodad. The only doodad you invent also slaps you in the face. I don't think you can buy a doodad from the shops. No, you gotta make a doodad. You gotta make a doodad. You can buy a gadget, you can buy a gizmo.

Oh, a gadget. That's a brand new a gadget. You can buy a gizmo. Oh, a gadget. Oh, that's a brand new gadget. A gadget is an improved gizmo. Whoa. I'll make that claim. So wait, douche is... Well, let's see if this works. Douche is gizmo was a pocket fork.

That makes a do-do-do-do sound. Yeah. Well, if it was electric somehow, then it would be a gadget. Well, okay. It's got a fork, but it's... No, because a gizmo needs to make a worse sound. Yeah. A gizmo needs to make sounds. I'm sorry. I don't make the rules. I a fork. A gizmo needs to make a word sound. Yeah. A gizmo needs to make sounds.

I'm sorry. I don't make the rules. I'm just saying a gizmo should make sounds. What noise? Do the gizmo noise. I feel it should be like a... kind of sound. Really?

What makes that sound? For me... A blend of... Are you thrown? I think a gizmo can make a... I think it could make that sound. It could make a hum, too, I reckon. There's a lot of options for the machine.

It needs to make a noise, though. Yeah, yeah. Is it the gizmo by Paul Jennings, the author? See, when I think of a gizmo, I think of basically this. It's a spherical thing with a lot of blinking lights, and that clearly makes like a... Does that say Come Home Rick? Probably. I don't know. Is that the name of the gizmo book?

Gizmo. Come Home Rick. Come Back Gizmo. Are you confusing gizmo and Rick? No, no, no. I read back as Rick because the B is behind the gizmo. That makes sense. Oh yeah, it does look like Rick a little bit. The A is a bit hidden.

So yeah, that's why I said gizmo. I think I have a picture of that gizmo too. I don't know where I got the home from. Come home, Rick. Come home, Rick. You named your gizmo. That's nice. Yeah, that's lovely. Yeah, so it's a car. But yeah, it's a car. But she's also clearly not impressed

by little inventions. No, yeah. She wouldn't be impressed by any of our Gizmos, Apple artists' devices or machines. So, yeah. So, come on, maybe it's something you must be joking, right? Oh, oh, you think you're something special. Oh, oh, you think you're something else.

Okay, so you've got a car. Yeah, exactly. That is actually a fair enough point. Unless you're dating a teenager, having a car, not that impressive. And you also have to be a teenager. Yes. Okay, look, this is And you also have to be a teenager. Yes. Okay, look, this is a Plumbing the Death Star guarantee. We will not date teenagers unless we're also teenagers.

And we think that you, the audience, should follow that. It's very unlikely we will ever be teenagers again. If you are a teenager, you can date a teenager. If you are not, don't date a teenager. The only, okay, we are getting into the weeds could date a teenager. If you're not, don't date a teenager. The only, okay, we are getting into the weeds here a little bit. If you are

20, which is not a teenager, you're dating a 19-year-old, which is a teenager, that's okay with plumbing the death studs in. You know what? No. Let's make a hard line. It's not. Yeah. An amendum. Amendum? Addendum? An addendum to our...

Shut up. He's drinking one of his three fucking drinks. Second drink. Anyway, yeah. If you're a teenager, date teenagers. If you're not a teenager, don't date teenagers. Exactly. And Plumbing the Death Star will do the same.

If you are 19 and you're dating someone and they are also 19, and then you turn 20, break up. You gotta break up. Let's go, babe. So also, yeah, I guess also the high teens don't date the low teens. and then like one of you turns 20 break up you gotta break up also yeah and then yeah I guess also the high teens don't not date the low teens

yeah that's true you date within your category and also further addendum if we ever get suddenly 16'd again or whatever I will not date a teenager

then either but you also probably won't date well of course I'll just be terrified what happened to me? If you're suddenly, in your words, suddenly 16'd again, which is neither suddenly 30 nor 17 again,

if you're suddenly 16'd again, because you'll still be attracted to older people, but they're going to be following the Plumbing the Death Star rule. Exactly. Which is good. Yeah, yeah. When can I start dating again? Probably when you revert.

Four more years. Four more years? Okay, fine. Even if you re you revert four more years four more years? okay fine even if you revert back four more years I'm sorry just to be safe I'm going to give myself

to four years that makes sense to be honest don't date until you turn 20 I think that's a new little amendment I think if I got suddenly 16 again

I'd just be spending the whole time trying to get back to my original timeline you know what if it was in the original timeline but you no longer exist

as a 30 something 32 year old. Like you got reverse bigged. Time's the same but you're gone. Yeah. Which is what happens

in 17 again as well. Like yeah, you just wake up one day and you're currently now 16. Okay, like now? Yeah.

Whoa. I can't do shit with that. I can't even predict the future or whatever. You're 16. You as you are now. 16. No license. Currently.

Motherfuckers, guess who's going to outlive you? Who are you? I'm Jackson. Do you go back to your stupid voice when you were 16? I'm going to outlive you. What do you think of my life? Someone's going to kill you in the street before I die. Have you reverted back to your fashion sense?

I'm in a kilt with a freaking vinyl purple jacket. I'm unhappy about it. The silver lining is I will live longer than everyone I care about. I don't think you will. I live shorter. I die quicker. Because I'm sick. That's why it's happening.

It's an illness that's occurred to me. Anyway. God, it would suck to be suddenly 16, but then also to have the same trap falls of when you were 16, of, like, your fashion sense, like, how you viewed the world. Oh, no. Like, imagine, like, you still have the memories of when you were, like, say, us in there, like, mid to late 30s.

But then you have the brain chemistry of a 16-year-old. Oh, no. I have life experience, but I'm not translating it into anything. I'm horny all the time. Oh, man. But I'd be in great shape. Were you in great shape as a 16-year-old? Better shape than that.

Dude, I mean, I'm sloppy as fuck these days. I was in my best shape at 18. Yeah. So if I turn 16, I'm still not in good shape. Yeah, but you'll get there. No, I got there because I got sick. Well, I mean, it's not hard to get sick. I guess you were like your best.

No, no, no, no, no. Okay, so here's what happened. Okay. I got glandular fever. So food no longer an option for me for about two weeks. But then that killed my appetite. So when I got better, I just kept all the weight off and

exercised more because it was easier. These days. The food's good. You guys eaten before? I've never had a hot dog in so long. Hot dogs are good, man. When was your last hot dog? I haven't had one for a while either, to be honest.

Within the last couple of months, though. I got a hot dog. I think it was like a half day. I came in, had a hot dog for breakfast. Hot dog for breakfast? Yeah, baby. Hot dog and a coffee. That's not your day.

I don't know why that combo upsets me, but I don't like it. Hot dog and a coffee? That's like, it's fine. What's wrong with that? I think it's, I don't know. I think for having a coffee and like eating a hot dog, and you kinda got like- Is it because they're both hot? No.

No. What do you mean, no? No. No. I don't know why that makes me mad. You just sink dog, that was crazy. That was insane. I've never seen Joel brains activate so off.

No? What do you mean, no? Just so repulsively, oh my god, no you eat- That was nuts. whole brain activate. No. What do you mean, no? So repulsively. Oh, my God. No, you eat. That was nuts. I think I'll be captured that on video because for a second you were the same man. Do you realize that?

Yes. Yeah, we know. Do you realize how stupid it was to insinuate that eating a hot dog and drinking coffee is weird for me because they're both hot? Yeah, because it's a hot drink and a hot food. Because if you have a hot... What? What?

Go on. There's plenty of hot breakfast. Yeah. Oh, here I am eating my delicious hot cakes. And what do I have? A hot coffee. Fucking an egg. Yeah.

Hot egg. Hot scrambled egg with my hot coffee next to me. I don't like having hot and hot. Well, I do. You're the one who fucking ate and drank this combo shut up I need a bit of cold too

that's why I have two drinks well he's like slapping a fucking hot dog on some ice no but like the ideal eating situation

yeah yeah you've got a hot dog I drink my hot coffee I take a bite of my hot dog and I just like suck chew it on some goddamn ice the ideal eating for me the eating scenario of my hot dog, and I just like suck chew it on some goddamn ice. The ideal eating for me, the eating scenario.

Hot coffee, hot dog, soda, Coke. That's perfect. I have a bit of hot coffee. Hot dog, Coke. Coffee, hot dog, Coke. Why do you have a Coke and a hot dog? And a coffee. Choose one of the drinks.

You can have as many drinks as you like in this life. Can he? Not too sure. That's so funny. That's very interesting. Not like this. Well, last week it was different. You didn't like it like that either.

I don't like it either. It's all bad. But if he had a hot dog, he'd be fine. If I swapped the Red Bull, here, give me your coffee for a second. How are we feeling now? No, no. But if he had a hot dog, he'd be fine. If I swapped the Red Bull, here, give me your coffee for a second. Yeah. How are we feeling now? Yeah. No, no.

But if you swapped the Mount Franklin pineapple sparkling water for a hot, no, not for another drink, for a hot dog, I wouldn't be complaining. What if he put a hot dog in amongst this and had all four? That would be... Is it lack of hot dog that you despise? It's part of it. Yeah. I think it is. You need, I don't despise? It's part of it. Yeah. I think it is. I don't know.

I just can't handle it. Food? Yes. In the middle of this episode? Yes. If you had a hot dog, I would be satiated. Anyway. I think it's the taste of the hot dog that would ruin the taste of the coffee.

I just think milk and- I think the coffee would ruin the taste of the hot dog. I think those two flavor profiles, hot dog and coffee, are ruining both meals. Honestly, did you have condiments on the hot dog? Yeah, brother. I had cheese, onion, mustard, tomato sauce, fucking pickles, bitch. You had bitch on your hot dog?

That's crazy. I went that whole nine yards. If it was just a plain, if for some reason he had a sad hot dog? That's crazy. I went that whole nine yards. If it was just a plain, for some reason he had a sad hot dog. That pairs better with coffee in my head. I don't think it does. One loose dog. You've got to include the bread.

Don't eat like a serial killer. Not using it to stir the coffee. Not using it as a straw. Like an insane son of a bitch I like the idea of dipping a hot dog in a coffee just stirring it

then putting the hot dog in and then just sucking the coffee off the hot dog because imagine that noise like oh yeah this flaccid hot dog

flopping around and slowly you'd pull away some of the skin too with every slurp truly a god awful truly a god awful meal. Truly the meal for someone who does not live in reality.

You've got to pair your meals and drinks better. Do you think that would impress your diet? I love the idea of going to a restaurant. Wait, could I please have the singular hot dog? And what would you be pairing it? May I recommend the hot coffee? Waiter, one hot dog. Hold the bread and condiments.

And cutlery. And could I also order a latte extra hot? Scalding hot. Burn the milk. You want a cappuccino, sir? I want that foam. I want that froth and a bit of... Oh yeah, give me a mocha. You want a cappuccino, sir. I need the foam. I want that foam. I want that froth and a bit of, oh, yeah, give me a mocha.

I want a bit of sprinkled. Oh, yeah. Scrumptious. It's bad because at the end of that, this turned into something you actually want to do. Absolutely. It's part of life's, you know, rich tapestry. What if it's good?

Sucking a hot dog that's covered in coffee. That don't impress me much. So you've got the loose bit. You've got the touch coffee. That don't impress me much. So you've got the loose bit. Have you got the touch? Now, don't get me wrong. Yeah, I think you're all right. But that one can be warm in the middle of the night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, the outro, okay. So what do you think? You're Elvis or something? Whatever. That don't impress me much. See, I want to put forward the thing, I think, honestly,

and I hate to admit this, because honestly, I do think that the person that might actually impress Shania Twain is Jackson Bailey himself. He's not clever. He's not a rocket scientist. I'm not handsome. He's not handsome. Doesn't care.

Doesn't drive a car. Doesn't own a car. No machines. He hates any sort of technology. I remember once your dad being like, I really wish I didn't have to have passwords. It makes everything too much. The apple did not fall far from that tree.

It's true. Yeah, you do not think you're something special or something else. I'm a worm on the awesome side. Yeah. You don't think you're Elvis No brother Maybe Shania would love me I've always thought Princess Diana would love me I thought you were going to say Princess Diana's hot

For some reason I don't know what happened to my brain She is beautiful It's sad that the paparazzi killed her Or maybe Queen Elizabeth. What do you say? Yeah, and like, now your touch. Yes.

It's wet. I would describe it as wet. But I wouldn't describe it as cold. Would you like to hold my hand now? No. Like live on air? You gotta do it. No, I don't want to do it.

Do it! I hate it so much! Do it! Do it! It's so bad! It kind of feels like... It's so bad. It kind of feels like. It's so bad. Okay, listeners, imagine like when you're rubbing moisturizer on your hand,

but you haven't rubbed it in properly. So it's like thick wet. Not just like clammy. Because it's not clammy. It's not clammy. It's fish. Okay, it's like. No, because it's warm.

So what you've done is. Imagine getting like, say, a pile of talcum powder and then squeezing moisturizer in that. It's like some kind of paste, but it's a bit gritty. Or you've caught a fish and then just put it in the oven for a bit and then taken it out and then touched it. Haven't de-scaled it. No, no, no.

Haven't killed it. Just put it in the oven. Just kind of kept it warm killed that's the craziest thing that could ever happen to a fish dude fish is already shocked because it's not in the sea Up there they have a device that makes you a bit warm. I don't understand what the fuck happened to me. I've ever been in my life. I thought I was about to eat a weed.

Yeah, so. But I'm not impressed because obviously the context of the song is Shania Twain wants somebody to, you know, be intimate with. Yes. Anal, as Dusha said. Yes. That's a great quote to attribute to me. I did say it. He did say it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shoulders are 24. Balls in the back of the neck and shoulders are 24. Intimate moment. So that's what she's looking for. Now, I'm impressive under the sort of guise of like a sideshow. And oddity. Ripley's believe it or not.

Yeah. That's so funny. Just sitting in there amongst the guys with strange deformities and like the, you know, world record attempt or whatever. I'm just, hello. I'm a peculiar man. I think that hot dogs and fucking coffee is a good combo.

I've broke no world record. There's nothing extremely special about me. Nothing extremely special as you stir a latte with a fucking hot dog. I'm just a strange guy. I'm like if Mr. Bean was believable. But yeah, I'm impressive maybe in that way.

But am I what Shania Twain is looking for in this scenario? I just guess everything that she's not looking for, you tick those boxes. Yes, that's true. And then the thing is

she just wants someone to keep, you know, warm in the middle of the night. I can do that. And you can do that. You've got a touch. Yes. Don't know, warm in the middle of the night. I can do that. And you can do that. You've got a touch. Yes. Don't know if it's the touch that she might be looking for, but maybe.

So far, I'm ticking most of the boxes. And obviously, maybe it is she's looking for something sexual or intimate, but maybe she just needs the heat. Yeah. I can do that. I can lie at the end of her bed like a faithful hound. Yeah. Do you think that Shania Twain has ever dated a whole man?

I don't know, but maybe it's time. Maybe it's time. Like, you run hot that day. Oh, I run hot, dude. See? I run so hot, I'm scalding. To be honest. I'm scalding hot, man.

Same. I always have a fan going. Oh, wait. You hate to share a bed. I do hate to share a bed wait. You hate to share a bed. I do hate to share a bed. You do hate to share a bed. That's true. I'm out.

But it's funny because I'm not out. Shania hasn't rejected me. You've rejected Shania. No, Shania, I'll probably get too hot in the bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to sleep on the couch. Yeah, can you keep me warm? With the windows open.

A long, cold, lonely night. Yeah, I mean, like, yeah, then I leave, right? Then I'll go to my bed. No, we get to snuggle all night. Shania, no, thank you. Let me tell you how it's going to go, Shania. We can make a sweet love to you all night long. Yeah, I'll do whatever you need, dude.

And then you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to say, good night, Shania. Give you a little kiss on the forehead. And then I'm going to leave, close the door, and go to my own bed. I'm going to go into my own bed, and then you'll hear me watching videos on my phone. Full volume. Because I've lost my headphones.

But you'll hear my headphones are clearly Bluetooth together in the lounge room. Occasionally you'll hear me say, what the hell? It's so disconnected. I can't hear it. I can kind of hear it. Why is it so quiet?

And then you're going to hear rummaging around like rats as I scour around my bedroom trying to find my headphone. I don't know. What the hell? And you hear like a thud as I fall. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Wait it on my nuts. Wait it on my nuts.

Oh, that's so engorged. You can still hear it. Wait, is it under the bed? Is it under the bed? You hear me screaming, and then you hear a moment of silence as I get stuck. Huh. Shania? Are you still up?

Bye. Can you come get me? Can you drag me out? Can you drag me out, and I'll be wearing shoes and a t-shirt, but nothing else. Oh, fuck. There's my headphones. Anyway, good night, Shania. Little cock and balls dragging on the floorboards. Well, it's good to. Anyway, goodnight, Shania. Little cock and balls

dragging on the floorboards. Well, it's good to imagine my feet sticking out. She grabs it and then the reveal of my arse cheeks kind of hitting the underside of the bed and going, oof, oof, oof, oof,

and then pulled out maybe like full jumper shirt jacket on top. Like, what was I doing? Thanks, Shania. Goodnight. Wait, have you seen my headphones? I can hear them, but they're really quiet.

I keep turning up the volume. Oh, shit. I left them on the toilet. Then I go to get them. They're like in the toilet. I go to get them, but instead of grabbing them, my hand just goes and flushes them. Like, the whole time I'm walking up to it. Don't flush them.

Don't flush them. Don't flush them. Shania, do you know the number for a plumber? How deep are toilets? Shania, we're going to need to drive to the waste management plant, but I don't have a car. Looking at the toilet being like, Shania, where does it go? Like, is it trapped in there or something?

Those are expensive It's like that big bit on the back Can I get that? Can I Lift in the top off the back of the toilet Oh fuck I've never seen this before There's just heaps of water in here

But it's like Can you drink it? So where do the shits go? I think my headphones are with the shits Wait do the shits just stay up here? That's disgusting Are we just sitting there shits the whole time? the shits just stay up here? That's disgusting. Are we just sitting there shits the whole time?

Is there like a tank under the house where the shits go? Is there like a septic tank or something? She stayed so quiet. Other than the initial mama me up. I imagine she's just rubbing her head. You picked this. You said I was the perfect man. That's on you, dude. Yeah.

I'll just walk to the race treatment plant, I guess. Good night. Shoes, jacket, no pants still. Cock flopping in the breeze. You'll get there by morning, I guess. The perfect one-night stand for Shania Twain. Well, dude, I mean, imagine how much your life's going to improve after that. That's got to be rock bottom.

Well, yeah, yeah, because that would not impress anyone. No. That's pretty good. But in a way, it is impressive, like you were saying before, on the oddity level, the freak show level. Yeah. How could a man be like this? Yeah. But no, it's not quite what she's looking for.

Yeah. I guess. I think she's just looking for a man that isn't arrogant. I think that literally is just a- Yes. I guess we could say that. Well, no, but also, because I think that's kind of the trick. So smart, you need to be smart, handsome, and driving, but just not arrogant about it.

So it actually is a pretty tricky trifecta. Well, not driving. Because it's like, yeah, well, I think you're all right. Like, that's the whole thing. She's like, look, hey, I do think you're all right, but come on, man. She likes a smart guy. And who doesn't like a handsome man? And if you've got a machine or a device.

Doodad even? Ladies love a gizmo. Ladies do love a gizmo. So gals love a doodad. The only thing I can think of is that maybe it's either don't be arrogant or it doesn't matter if you're smart or handsome or have a car. Can you finger? Yes, that's true.

Make me come. Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say, what about like, say, like a himbo? Oh, yeah. But they don't know that they're, like, attractive. Okay. But they're good at,'re, like, attractive. Okay. But they're good at, like, eating puss.

Okay. Smart. Sorry. Dumb. Dumb as hell. Handsome. Handsome, but they don't know it. Yeah.

They're like, okay. Drives? Maybe. You've seen 30 Rock. I have. Jon Hamm's character in 30 Rock. Yes. What's his name?

Dr. Guy. I can What's his name? Dr. Guy. I can't remember his name. Sure. Okay. But that kind of vibe of like, he's just so handsome, but he's stupid. He's dumb as hell. But then he does think he is smart, though. That's the problem.

Well, that's the trick. That's the problem. So someone like that, where they are quite handsome, but maybe doesn't believe all their Tracy Morgan from Dirty Rock. Quite handsome. Quite handsome. but maybe doesn't believe all that. Tracy Morgan from 30 Rock. Quite handsome. Quite handsome. Very stupid. Very stupid.

Very dumb. But he is in love with his wife. Yeah, he does love his wife. He's got a wife? Yeah, he's a massive wife guy. I don't know. That's one of the great reveals of 30 Rock, because he seems like he's such a man about town.

He's like, Liz Lemon, I'm a wife guy. He loves his wife. And Liz Lemon's like, Godzooks! Whatever a famous catchphrase is. You're all fired. Yeah, that's right. Ack! Ack!

Classic Liz Lemon. What about Alec Baldwin? Nah, he's too arrogant. He's too arrogant. He's handsome, though. He's like, Lemon, I killed that lady when I was making that movie. He predicted it. That's crazy.

They're like, you shouldn't have done crazy. You shouldn't have done that. You shouldn't have forego all of the safety measures that resulted in the death of an innocent person at your hand. You should be in jail, Alec Baldwin from 30 Rock. I remember that scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Don't release the movie, but they're going to. They're going to.

It's going to come out. And it's going to make money because a lady died. Yeah. Alec Baldwin should be in prison. Most celebrities should to be honest. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Put them all away.

Unless you're a celebrity and you're a fan of Plumbing the Death Star. Then you should come on our show. We have a fourth line for your idea. And you shouldn't be in jail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should be in the studio with us. Elevate this. Get more listeners.

Maybe get some more advertisement money. Yeah, exactly. And you've listened to today's episode. You know what's worth it. Our numbers should be skyrocketing. I can see them from here. So, reaching that stratosphere.

Just like that fluffy rocket. Yeah, just like that fluffy flaccid rocket. So, handsome? You don't know you're handsome. Smart, but you're humble about how smart you are. You don't even really know you're smart. You're just like street smart. It's not book smart.

Or even just like you are an intelligent person. Maybe you're emotionally intelligent. You know what you're sort of, but you're not really. You're like, you never think you are the smartest man in the room. And then sometimes you might be the smartest man in the room, but you're always like, actually, I don't know. In my opinion, as far as we know, maybe this is the solution. You can.

You're willing to learn and grow. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You've got a car, but, you know, you're not a car guy. Not a car guy. He gets you from A to B. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can drive, I guess.

You're not obsessive. You're not kissing the car goodnight. You're not, like, polishing it every evening. What about Kenneth from 30 Rock? Okay. Well, it's good to about Kenneth from 30 Rock? Okay. Well, it's good to go through the 30 Rock characters. Handsome. He's handsome.

He's handsome. He's not smart. Jack McBrayer. No, he is smart. But he is smart. He's very, very smart. He's very smart. He's maybe an angel.

He's possibly immortal. It's unclear. He doesn't drive. Doesn't he drive? No, I don't think so. But he might be able to. But I don't think I've seen him drive like one of them carts around the NBC. Yeah, he might drive a little cart.

I don't think you need a driver's license to drive a little cart. Yeah, yeah. He's always very eager to please. Eager to please. Eager to please. Okay. Yeah. Now we're cooking.

So it could be Kenneth. Could be Kenneth Oh Plummy the Death Star The greatest pop culture podcast Has solved another pop culture mystery Who will impress Shania Twain Kenneth Why is Kenneth

Kenneth The hero Oh when did that episode come out Oh middle of 2024 They've done it again Fucking geniuses Oh my god Clever boys Solving pop culture's greatest mysteries One at a time They've done it again! Fucking geniuses. Oh my god. Clever, clever boys.

Solving Pop Culture's greatest mysteries one at a time. I think I can hear the applause now. And the winner of best podcast episode of 2024 goes to Plumbing the Death Star. For what would impress Shania Twain? Answer Kenneth from Earthy Rock. We've done it again, boys. Another problem. We stay winning, dude.

Problem in the lifestyle has never been easier. It's true. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Let us know, who do you think would impress Shania Twain? Yeah. Is it Kenneth from 30 Rock?

It probably is, right? Yeah, there's no other answers. Did you finish all three drinks? No. Yeah. That's right. Oh, fuck's no other answers. Did you finish all three drinks? No, yeah, that's right. Oh fuck this one's still pretty full Finish these two though. Didn't even finish my coffee. Finish it off. God. This is probably too much to just knack Instant regret. Yeah, it's not gonna happen God I hate that. See that very unpleasant noise. I didn't want to do that Why are you sucking a can?

I don't know. There was sucking noises there. You seem so out of breath. And your eyes are the wettest eyes I've ever seen in my life. What the fuck just happened? He's remembering the saddest moment as he sucks down a goddamn Mount Franklin. Why were you suckling me? And he dies a little inside, tears down his cheeks.

Where are you? Watch us up. The sloppiest man you know, Jackson Bailey. Good stuff. He's gone now. I don't know why my leg just cramped. Dude, that just under my thigh became the most painful time of the day. Oh, fuck.